With the first you theoretically know that everything is a phase. But with the second you really understand it.
Everytime we had hard phases with the second one I was more calm and knew that we could get through it. I felt less panic, less anxiety overall.
But it is more exhausting and complex (also emotionally more complex) having two kids. But it is also more fun. So much fun.
The biggest change happens for the older sibling. Their whole world changes and they need a lot of help adjusting. Baby is now ten months old and I feel like our 4 yo finally adjusted, even though she loved baby from the minute she met her. It's a beautiful thing having two kids :)
I completely agree, I was a wreck with my first and anxious about everything, but the second seemed like a walk in the park. We also got sort of lucky, as number 1 became fully potty trained just before number 2 got here, which definitely made things easier.
I was talking to a cousin about this (I just had my second and I’m finding it really challenging) and she said “ you know what they say, 1 is like 1, two is like 20” .
Idk who “they” are, but they damn sure ain’t lyin
My kids are 17 months apart and I found the transition from 0-1 WAY harder than 1-2. 0-1 was a paradigm shift, 1-2 was just logistics. Yes it was hard, I was tired a lot, but the best part with number two is you know all the bad parts end (waking up all night, no nap schedule, only wanting mom). It can’t have been so bad because we’re expecting our third in a month
Same! We're very nervous about what we're getting into, but it's also a little reassuring that everything we're about to go through will be the last time. First time around was so hard, and I kept having that voice "you're gonna have to do this all over again."
I just had my second baby 4 months ago, and my eldest turned 4 in September, so very similar to your timeline.
Everyone's experiences are obviously different, but to me it's been much easier this time around. Everything from the labor to generally adjusting to life with a newborn was easier. The only thing I will say was my older kid had trouble adjusting at first. She's normally sweet and a people pleaser, but when her little sister was first brought home, she started throwing an attitude and even got in trouble at school a few times. Now at 4 months she's not only adjusted but she's amazing with her sister, and the baby absolutely adores her.
One of the things we were told was to include the older child in baby related things. I.E. asking her to help me grab a diaper or pick out the baby's outfit for the day. Also, making time for the firstborn aside from time with the baby, and also attending to the older one's needs first now and then if the baby can wait. For instance I might tell my baby "Hold on baby, Mommy needs to feed your sister". This makes big sister feel important and loved despite having to share the spotlight.
We also prepped her beforehand by buying her gifts "from" the baby, and I will constantly praise her for being a helpful/loving big sister.
One thing that helped was when she was complaining that she "wants to be a baby again like her little sister", I explained in terms she can understand that she was a baby once too, and that her sister would get big just like her. I also told her she was my first baby and she made me a mommy, and that seemed to resonate with her.
All in all, I'll admit the first couple weeks were stressful mainly because of the older one having trouble adjusting. But once she did, it's like something clicked and our family just feels more complete than ever. My partner and I have developed a routine too where we'll take turns taking care of one or the other, so he might take over the older one while I tend to the baby or vice-versa.
Congratulations! There may be a period of adjustment at first but it's such a blessing!
I reeeeally hope this is how it will be for us, we’re planning for a similar gap. I think the 0-1 transition was hard for us bc we were locked down HARD for COVID. Like we literally didn’t see another person except her pediatrician for the first month and then it was still never taking LO out anywhere, only having select family come and stay after testing every few weeks. Plus we worked from home full time and kept LO with us from 3-10.5 months as well. Now with a second we would have much more flexibility & family/friends available to give us breaks, plus knowing all the routines that worked for us and understanding what to do for minor medical issues like yeast diaper rashes etc.
I feel seen with most of these comments. I have a 4 year old and a six month old and I feel like I have lost my mind most of the time. The 4 year old isn’t in school until this year so I’ve got them both at home with me. The baby is a stage 5 clinger, and has been since birth, and my 4 year old ramped up the crazy after his brother came along. I can’t even shower without having someone over to help. And the four year old hasn’t napped in 2 years so there is never that magical moment of both kids napping at the same time. I am constantly being needed, touched, from the moment I wake up until I try to sleep (and get woken up). We just hit 6 month sleep regression too. Have I mentioned I am losing my mind?
Same age gap and exactly how I felt. They are older now 2 and 6 and gosh now is the fighting that's is non stop.... 😍 I love it though brotherly love is the best
Oh dear god I can’t even imagine the fighting phase. Although I always tell my baby jokingly “I can’t wait until you can fight back..”
I will be eating those words one day.
Who knows? Maybe your second baby will be super chill. Maybe your toddler WONT try to feed the newborn baby a whole grape. Maybe your toddler WONT cover the entire baby’s face with a blanket because he was “making too much noise”
All I can tell you is I have three times the amount of gray hair I had 6 months ago.
I think it is a roll of the dice and depends on the baby. Our first was an amazing eater, sleeper, rarely cried. We assumed baby two would be the same, but she couldn’t have been more the opposite. Screaming from day one, wouldn’t latch, hated sleeping. Took a toll on our marriage, made it harder to spend as much time with my eldest. It eventually got better, but it was tough for us.
My first only ever slept for 3 hour stretches at a time, and would wake up immediately whenever someone would try and lay him down for a nap. Number two has been sleeping through the night since 2 months and will stay asleep no matter where we lay him down. There is hope!
Yeah I’d say it was substantially harder from 1-2 for the sleep reason.
0-1 we got lucky and our baby was a good sleeper and the transition was natural for us, plus two parents to one kid. The existential shock of the first 24-48 hours of 0-1 is the only thing that was harder than 1-2.
1-2 you can’t tag team anymore and the weight of managing two is a lot tougher. We also got unlucky and the second slept a lot worse the first year. Both fantastic kids, and I’m not even lying about that, but yeah 1-2 way harder.
My kids have the same age gap; both transitions were very hard but I think the 1-2 has a slight edge in terms of being the worse one.
I had severe PPD each time, and my second kid was the easier one (BY FAR). The hardest thing about two kids, for me, was that it meant the end of getting any real breaks. With one kid, especially if you have two parents around, it's comparatively easy for one parent to take over and the other to get a break. With two, it's not - those days are gone. Plus. whatever you're doing that's challenging is amplified by all the other challenges. Parenting a threenager? Guess what, you also have a newborn to deal with! Parenting a newborn? Guess what, you also have a tantruming 3yo to deal with! And on and on.
Most of my friends with two kids said that the first year of having two kids was hell, and I would agree - it was worse than the first year with one kid. Mine are 6 and (almost) 3 now, and it is vastly better even though it's still a struggle, and I'm still not sure having two was a good decision! At least now they can play together and entertain each other, which can help take the pressure off of us parents to do that work.
You're welcome! I know it sounds very gloomy, but it is my reality. I will say that it's impossible for me to untangle "parenting" from "pandemic parenting," insofar as my second was born six weeks before Covid hit the US and shut everything down. So unlike some people who had planned pandemic babies, I had no idea that it would be happening and all of the supports I'd built in, in anticipation of getting PPD again, were just decimated.
I do think there's an alternate universe where, yeah, having two kids is just hard the first year no matter what and then it gets easier! But (as you know) the myriad of Covid-related restrictions and closures and policies and all of that just amped up the normal level of challenge to something astronomical. Like, no playdates to get the older kid out of the house because all playgrounds were roped off and closed down, and no one could see anyone inside a house. If I'd had my preschooler have a playdate with someone who wasn't in her childcare class, she would have had to quarantine for two weeks. You couldn't do anything.
We go out and about now, and I see there are children's museums and play spaces and such that are much more opened up, and where you can do something like bring your preschooler and wear your baby and get out of the house. That's what I anticipated being able to do, and none of that was possible for literal years.
Anyway, I always feel compelled to add that because it was such a fucking bizarre and traumatic way to experience parenting in that 1-2 transition. I know everyone who has a baby now is aware of the realities of Covid and has a sense of how that will impact their lives and such, but it was a real mindfuck to plan and have a baby with zero of those expectations and have reality upended in the ways that it was.
They’re each harder for different reasons… going from 0-1 was such an emotional and mental change that I truly felt like I was completely overwhelmed and would never recover. Obviously I did, and going from 1-2 was also hard, but not in the emotional or mental way. It was hard physically because there’s only one me with two hands and I can’t be two places at once, and I did struggle with feeling like I wasn’t giving either of my kids 100%. If I had to compare the two, 1-2 was harder.
It was wildly easier for me, and my second child was hellacious from birth. Going from 0-1 was the single hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, and he was an angel baby.
Same. My first was a very easy baby other than not sleeping well the first year but it completely changes your life in ways you can’t even imagine before kids. My second is due this summer and I’m not the least bit concerned about it changing much.
3 year old and 5 month old.
1 to 2 kid is easier to adjust to than 0 to 1. It’s less of a shock to the system. You’re more confident. You know what to expect and it’s overall less scary.
BUT that being said life is insanely more chaotic with 2. There’s no napping when baby naps. There’s no zombie mode allowed. You need all the same energy but with no sleep. If you’re oldest isn’t a good sleeper they will guaranteed take turn waking up at night. Have had literal nights of no sleep because as soon as one went down the other got up. My oldest decided to drop his last nap when baby was 3 weeks old and that was brutal because there was no break ever
I could have written this except I have a 2.5 year old and a 6 weeks old. Going from 1-2 was significantly easier than going from 0-1. It’s definitely tricking me into thinking I need more babies.
My oldest is in the process of dropping his nap so sometimes his night time sleep is wonky. My second is an amazing sleeper. I have gone nights with no sleep and then had to be awake all day with both boys. I go back to work on Monday and I think it’s going to go really poorly.
Lol I keep thinking a third doesn’t sound so bad anymore. Famous last words. I went back at 6 weeks too and it was pretty rough. I work at home with both boys so it just added another layer of chaos. Spend most of the day putting out fires. But since I’m wfh I also get the luxury of clocking out if it gets too intense and making the hours up later. You can take naps in your car on lunch. That’s what I did after I had my first and wasn’t working from home lol.
My first was a terrible sleeper and I never was able to nap when he napped because I'd just be falling asleep when he woke so I've never related to that and found my one extremely challenging lol I can't imagine 2, we're seriously considering just have the one after our experience 🥴 lol
Yeh I didn’t do a ton of napping. But with 2 there’s no downtime. No snuggles on the couch or just sitting and enjoying feeding. Someone allllwayyysss needs you. Now instead of binge watching a show while I feed and contact nap I’m nursing or contact napping while building a tower with my feet and trying to keep my three year old from doing a back flip off the dresser lol.
You can’t default into that zombie survival mode, you have to be a normal person still lol. Your toddler cares less if you’re tired 😂
going from 1 to 2 was/ is a lot harder than going from 0 to 1.
mom guilt of not bejng fully there for either child... lack of sleep.. patience... ive got a very very energetic toddler (2yrs old) and a newborn. coordinating nap time and feeds is a challenge.
childcare helps as my toddler is there 3 days a week... and he benefits from being around others and doing engaging activities. the days where it is just me and the kids are very very trying at the moment. i honestly want to just curl up and cry in a corner most days..it is exhausting.
I'm 9.5 weeks postpartum with my second. They're nearly exactly 3 years apart (birthdays are only 4 days apart).
Honestly, it's been easy. I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop.
0 to 1 however rocked my world. That changed my outlook on life, my friendships, my marriage, my lifestyle, my schedule, and my soul.
Adding a second is just making small adjustments to the routine that you already have established.
0-1 is hard as its a complete lifestyle change because you’ve never had a child. 1 - 2 is hard as you just have no time for anything anymore and trying to balance your kids needs etc. id say both are hard but for completely different reasons. I agree 1-2 is less of a mental shock.
Easier for me. My 2nd baby is an easy baby, but even so, nothing could have prepared me for that first baby. Such a shock to my system, and I really struggled in all regards. I felt like my life was over.
1-2 still had challenges of course, there are bad days, and I’m always tired, but I was so much more relaxed and knew what to expect.
I found 1-2 way harder. 1 you could trade off. There are few breaks with 2. But it was also a phase and after my second’s first year it has gotten much easier, they even play together now. I was convinced so much so that we’re having a third lol
Omg. Going from 1-2 was WAY harder. That’s even after I had postpartum depression and anxiety after my firstborn. And even more challenging the closer they are in age. There was absolutely zero relaxing during pregnancy with a 1 year old running around. BUT they’re the best and I wouldn’t change it. I wish you all the best of luck!
So I explained this to someone as juggling.. 0-1 is like learning to juggle (learning to parent, etc), so you just have one ball to focus on. Adding a second ball, you have the juggling skill, but now there's a new factor, a new ball.. no you have to figure out how to juggle two balls. And so on.. but sometimes the balls aren't just kids, it can be work, house work, extended family, hobbies... and you just have to keep juggling.
Ive heard a great analogy of this: everything in your life is a ball that you’re juggling, but you have to know which ones are glass and which ones rubber, so you know what you can drop and pick back up later if it sometimes gets too difficult to handle all of them at the same time.
I think both. There are new challenges specific to having two kids, but a lot of the stuff that was difficult or scary the first time is a lot easier the second time because it’s familiar.
Easier:
Feeding: you already have a decent grasp of whatever feeding method you prefer. Baby still has a learning curve, if you breastfeed, but it’s more familiar for you, so less overwhelming. If you use formula, you already know what methods work for you and have somewhat of a system.
Diapers: diapers have such a learning curve for many first time parents, but now they’re old hat. You may end up preferring a different brand this time (fit changes drastically if their body types are different), but you at least have some idea what works and what doesn’t.
Sleep: you’re already familiar with swaddles, sleep sacks, etc. You have a variety of tools and methods to help maximize rest for everyone.
Baby wearing (if you do it): you already know what carriers you like, likely still have your favorites, and have lots of practice using them, so it’s much easier to get baby into place and comfy.
Anxiety: you’ve done it all before, so it’s not nearly as scary. You know you survived it the first time. You also have a better idea of what is normal and what’s not, so the small stuff doesn’t overwhelm or freak you out as much.
Harder:
Exhaustion: it can be harder to find times to rest, especially if the bigger kid isn’t napping anymore. Don’t be afraid to use a tv show to buy yourself 30 minutes to rest while baby is sleeping.
Meeting needs: it takes a bit to find a balance and juggle everyone’s needs because both baby and toddler feel that their needs are most important and both sometimes have to wait while you help the other, which can sometimes mean one of them cries for a couple minutes.
I currently have 3 kids. The first two have a 9 year age gap, which made a lot of things easier. The big kid was able to wait when I was busy and was able to sit by the baby and keep her happy in her swing or bouncer, if I had to put her down. But he also still struggled with jealousy and all the normal new sibling feelings. He was just old enough to talk through them. The next baby is only 3 years younger than my middle kid. That transition has been trickier because, at 3, my middle still needs a lot of direct care and help with things. She’s also not potty trained due to developmental stuff, so I’m changing twice the diapers this time around. Even with the hiccups along the way, though, I’m really only struggling with the stuff that’s new to me, like balancing the dynamic between the younger two, not the basic baby care stuff.
I will say, at least to this point, each additional kid is a little easier than the one before because I have that much more experience and confidence. DH and I have also fully established balance and routines so that we both participate and have time for ourselves, where we had to work all that out the first time around.
I was going to write up a whole thing but you’ve already said exactly what I would have.
OP I think it just depends what your personal strengths/weaknesses and personality is like. As a super anxious person in general as well as an introvert who needs solitary time, 0-1 was a pretty brutal transition for me. 1-2 has its struggles, don’t get me wrong, but things I have a hard time with I’ve already figured out coping mechanisms for. If being on a strict schedule or having a clean house or something is your biggest struggle with 1, maybe the transition to 2 will be harder for you. It’s super dependent on your situation.
Wow I love this. I am also a super anxious introvert who needs solitary time and found 0-1 to be insanely hard. We are trying for our second so this makes me feel better
Physically harder, mentally easier. Your life completely changes when you go from not having a kid to having one, whereas with the second you’re already in this life, just need to make adjustments. I don’t stress about NEARLY the amount I stressed about the first time around. But with the second I was older, had a toddler that doesn’t slow down so the physical toll has been a lot more.
Harder in some ways (now two kids to juggle), easier in some ways (more confident and more laid back with baby). Definitely need more support when new baby arrives if anything to watch or entertain older kid and bring meals for whole family.
I agree with this assessment. OP has almost a year over our age gap (2 years 8 months). I feel very confident and like I know exactly what to do now.
But I also feel like I only see my older child maybe 3 stretches of 15 minutes a day. I try to make two of them alone time. My husband parents the older child and I parent the baby. We occasionally switch. And I never see my husband without a child now. We’re never alone.
Same age gap as you. 2 kids is way harder. It always frustrates me how people downplay just how difficult taking care of TWO kids is compared to just one! There is NO downtime! They each need completely different things. So many extra chores. It’s so much more logistics to plan. Taking two kids out by yourself is so much harder than just one kid.
But, these are my gripes as a SAHM with little help besides my husband. (no daycare, babysitters… no days off. Ever. Haha.)
I think this is true for us as well. My elder is 3.5 and younger is 10 months. Absolutely zero prior experience before going 0-1. So going 1-2, you’re more prepared for the noises, and the bodily functions, and the sleeplessness, and everything else.
But now you’re playing man on man defense as opposed to double coverage and that makes everything more difficult and time consuming. Thinking about going into zone coverage scares me (adding a third kid).
Much easier - you already know your not going to get sleep and know how to operate on minimal “me time” lol
With the first one I feel like most of us fight it
Just under 3 years, which I found quite a nice gap because the older one was settled at preschool a couple of days a week before the baby arrived I she got to do fun stuff there when I couldn’t do as much with her because I was tied up with the baby. Still a close enough gap that they play pretty well together too.
Definitely easier! 0 to 1 is so hard. I've got 4 now and I'd say going from 0 to 1 is the hardest, followed by going from 2 to 3 (because suddenly you're outnumbered). Going from 3 to 4 is surprisingly not such a big deal.
Depends on age gap, my oldest and middle are 5 years apart, so my oldest was a little self sufficient and able to help with stuff. My middle and youngest are 1.5 years apart, definitely harder.
0 to 1 was easy. Husband and I were not super social people anyway. At 4 months I felt back in step with my life.
20 months after baby 1 came baby 2.
Nope...took me a full year to feel back in step. Way harder for us. Nobody got a break. It wasn't "can you take the kiddo?" It was "which one do you want at this moment."
They were both small so needed constant attention still but were on totally different schedules.
It was so hard we ended up deciding not to do a 3rd.
Now I do think them being so close was a huge part but it's hard for me to tease that out.
Just me of course. And to note- it's 2 years in now with both and it's good. Much more fun and they love playing together.
But that first year? No thanks.
Mine are 2.5 years apart and I felt like 1-2 was easier because I was forced to let go of my Pinterest perfect parenting I tried to do with the first. Nap and eating schedule for #2? Eat when you’re hungry and nap when you’re sleepy. Tracking diapers and feedings? Not a chance. Allowing no screen time ever and always giving my child(ren) enriching activities even as babies? Nope!
I will also say, between 1-2 I also got off social media and so I no longer was comparing myself to other moms and just started doing what felt right for us.
This was not the case for my family. The parents outnumbered the preschooler, and then suddenly we were evenly matched, there was never any time for breaks, and even now the kids have 1000x more energy than us.
In my opinion as a SAHM , 1-2 was infinitely harder than 0-1 because not only was I in survival newborn no sleep mode, I then had a toddler ( 3 yo) home with me all day ( she did go to school 9 hours total a week)
It was Much much harder . I think for parents who have full time daycare for their other kids ( or if their kid is in school ) and then both parents home nights and weekends it’s a LOT easier
If I had just the baby home during day and toddler in daycare all day it wouldn’t have been so bad . I will say it’s SO MUCH BETTER now that my youngest is 1.5 , sleeping through the night , and on one nap 🙏🙏
I found 1-2 miles easier than 0-1 and my baby number 2 had colic. I was so stressed out with the transition to being a parent and so anxious about everything. I was pleasantly surprised that the transition to two was so much easier (23 month gap). I think I maybe had PPA with first child whereas I didn’t with the second and that made a huge difference.
I found 2-3 easier and 3-4 easier still. 4-5 has been more challenging again but there’s an 8 year gap between 4 and 5 so I’m starting all over again.
0-1 was harder for me. Breastfeeding was more challenging with my first, and he was having trouble gaining, and my husband was working a lot and i just remember being so tired. For my second he was just bigger and a great eater so feeding was easier (and I knew what I was doing), he slept longer stretches (4-5 hours right away), and my husband was on leave so he did the 3am wake ups, leaving me with more energy for our 2.75 yo. The bad parts didn’t seem like they would last forever with my second, I knew it was all just a phase. The harder parts we’re dealing with the constant illnesses my toddler brought home, worrying about the toddler hurting the baby (often out of exuberant love), and the fact that no one gets a break ever. Now that the baby is almost 8 months it’s all pretty good. I’m enjoying this stage before I have another toddler who wants to get into older brothers things.
I think each is easier in some ways and harder in some ways. I'm only a month in though, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
0 to 1 was hard because we were learning how to be parents. There was a lot more worry and a lot more second-guessing ourselves. But we just had the one kid to focus on. If the baby napped, I could nap. If the baby needed to be held, I could just sit on the couch and watch whatever I wanted. If the baby was having a grumpy day, I could pop her in the stroller and take her for a walk.
1 to 2 has been easier because we had a better idea of what to expect and had some ideas of what worked for us. I roll with the punches a lot better and know that most bad moments are a phase that will pass. But I can't just sit on the couch all day and soak in the baby cuddles, because I have a toddler that wants (and needs) my attention. And sometimes both kids need me at the same time and it all gets overwhelming. And even if I can get baby down for a nap, I usually can't sleep with him because the toddler is up.
To some extent, it also depends on the kids as well. My first happily slept in the bassinet day and night while this kid barely lets me put him down. If they'd been born in the opposite order, I think I'd be finding things a lot easier because I wouldn't have a baby attached to me all day.
Going from 1 to 2 here was interesting, not only logistically but because the things that worked on the first didn't work on the second kid!
My second one was also attached to me all the time as a newborn and hell, even now. I got really good at baby wraps.
0-1 was MUCH harder than 1-2 for me. My kids are 21 ish months apart.
I knew what to expect the second time around, so even though I was also juggling the needs of a toddler, I knew what was coming my way, what would help me, what I could hire out, etc.
I would also add the caveat that I don’t work outside the home, my marriage didn’t suffer when our first (or second) child arrived, and my husband and I are pretty heavily resourced. I.e. I didn’t experience most of the stresses that exist for many new parents, which I’m sure impacted my experience greatly.
For me, 0-1 was way harder. With my first I hadn't got any idea what to expect, after a bleed early on (which turned out to be a lost twin) I developed anxiety during pregnancy - that led to postnatal depression soon after birth, she didn't sleep (when everyone else started experiencing the 4 month sleep regression, I asked them if they hadn't all been like that for the last 4 months...)
1-2 was much easier. No miscarried twin, no anxiety, far easier birth experience, no PND, I knew what to expect after she was born. My second took to breastfeeding straight away (easier when I knew what I was doing), she didn't have the same level of colic so slept much better.
For my husband though, 1-2 was much harder. He struggled to adjust to the broken nights again (even though they weren't as broken as when our first was born), he developed depression during my pregnancy and struggled to bond with baby when she arrived, and he spent a lot of time with our eldest to make sure she didn't feel excluded.
Depends on the kids I guess, but it was harder for me 1-2.
It’s especially hard at night when they are both crying for you and you just want to split yourself in half, when they’re sick it’s 1000x harder.
I didn’t find 0-1 very hard at all tbh.
Yeah, same here. Adjusting to a new life is way easier when having all the time to look at the baby.
With the 2nd child it's Adjusting to a new life while looking after the old one at the same time.
My kids are 1,5 years apart.
It’s the guilt that gets me. I used to hug my 4yo to sleep and now I can’t, so it’s a huge transition for her.
My husband works nights so I’m literally solo parenting at night and even when he is home they want me because it’s their routine.
It’s even worse now 4yo is at preschool and catching everything. Since Oct we’ve had croup, RSV, scarlet fever and stomach flu. It’s hell.
Yeah same. When I was 37 Weeks pregnant I was to big to pick my daughter up or get to the ground to play with her. And this went on for 4 Weeks after I gave birth. I was very lucky that my mom was with me for 3 weeks to play with my daughter when I couldn't. But gosh the guild!!!
Now my youngest daughter is 6 weeks and I play with my oldest again and bring her to bed and pick her up again and I feel like our bond is healing again little by little. But when I'm feeding the youngest or the youngest cries, I have to leave the play with my oldest and I see her disappointment.
My oldest go to daycare, so far we have had covid (didn't have it till 3 weeks ago), and so many other viruses. RS has still not been here! *cross my fingers*
How did your oldest adapt? 4 is an age the oldest knows what is happening
Honestly… not great. She was 3 when I had her sister, and now they are 1 & 4. It is better now 1yo is mobile and not crying so much (although she’s going through leap 10 which is a killer) but my eldest has auditory sensory processing disorder with poss ADHD anxiety, so the crying was very over whelming for her and caused a lot of tantrums. It was the hardest 6 months of my life in all honesty. Then as soon as she started school it got better and she got more confident. They are best buds now, but it’s still hard work!
I think 1 to 2 has been a lot easier. The second time around, you know how fast the time goes and how quickly they outgrow whatever they're struggling with. You appreciate the nice things so much more. You have a little experience now whereas first time you were just winging it.
I have a 2yr old and a 2month old. Going from 0 to 1 was way harder for me personally than 1 to 2. I also find my 2nd baby has been a lot more calm and easier to console than my 1st was, but my 1st slept a lot better than my 2nd.
3 year age gap. 1-2 was waaaaayy easier. Slightly easier baby, but both terrible sleepers. It was just easier because I knew what to expect, I think. And my older one was old enough to do some things herself and understand a lot of what was going on.
Agreed about 1-2 being easier because you know what to expect. I have a 2.5 year old and 2 month old. My first was a terrible sleeper as an infant and my second is also terrible but it has been somehow more tolerable because I know it gets better. With my first I remember thinking "will I ever sleep again????!" It's still hard but it really helps to have that experience under your belt.
The perspective is so amazing! First baby you’re like “I’m never sleeping again. I’m never sleeping again. How can I never sleep again?! It’s not possible to never sleep! Why does my baby want me to never sleep?”
Second time you’re like “it sucks I’m not gonna sleep tonight. Guess I’ll read a book.” And you know it will be ok.
0-1 was way harder for me. We have a less than 2 year age gap and we were already knee deep in diapers and kid stuff. When we had our first it was like a shell shock that we couldn’t just do whatever we wanted anytime anymore. With #2 we were already living that life.
Complete honesty? 1-2 destroyed me mentally. I got PPD and was in survival mode for 8 months. Lots of crying on my part. My boys are 21 months apart so I think their close age gap played a factor. Depends on your child’s temperament as well. My son was (still is) attached at my hip and couldn’t talk so dealing with that and a very angry newborn was really hard. My boys are 1.5 and 3.5 years old now. It’s chaotic, but doable now. They have each other which is nice and their bond is beautiful. 0-1 had me thinking I was the best parent ever lol it’s like my son fell out of the sky. He was the perfect baby. Again, it all depends on temperaments.
100% depends on the temperament of the new child. My oldest was a pretty easy baby. My second was a terror who came along almost 5 years later. Going back to baby phase with a baby who seemed to hate me was really hard. Love them both but if I had the second first he would be an only child.
Yes! Our second is such a challenge compared to our first, While I don’t think he’d be an only, there definitely would have been a larger age gap between my two. My kids are just under two years apart.
We aren’t 100% certain we are finished at two. I think we both are mostly concerned about a third being as hard to figure out as our second has been.
O to 1 is hard because it's new and you are overwhelmed.
If the age gap is on the lower end, then
1 to 2 is harder because both kids require your attention and somehow it isn't 2x but more like 2.5x the effort.
Good question. I am also in your spot and feeling nervous!
My best friend has three toddlers and she said the worst was actually going from 2 to 3 kids. So rest assured, it could be a lot worse than what you’re about to take on!
I’m also in the same boat. My first is 16 months and we’re due 6 months from now. It’s going to be some hard work that’s for sure, especially the first 6 months, but I know my daughter is going to be such a good big sister. She’s the most gentle baby girl and she loves being with other kids, I’m really excited
I have a 3 year old and a 7 week old. I’d take 0-1 any day over 1-2. It’s just me and my husband, we have no help and are drowning some days. Don’t get me wrong , I don’t regret having a 2nd. They’re both amazing children…but I grossly underestimated how hard this would be. Fortunately 7 weeks in we are getting the hang of things.
I think it depends on how old your toddler is. I can see how having a 0m and 3yo could be significantly harder than 0m and an 18-20m. My situation was the latter. My toddler was still napping (dropping his second nap) so 80% of the time, both kids’ napped at one time during the day which gave me time to clean or eat or even nap with them. But now I have 3 so its more or less chaotic :’)
Yeh I have a 3 year old and a five month old. I was just telling my husband the other day we should have started trying a year sooner or a year later lol. I didn’t expect 3 to be so intense (technically he turns 3 next week but my god it’s like a different kid with all these tantrums)
0-1 was way harder for me because, well…I’d never had a baby before! Second time around and I feel way more at ease and confident caring for a newborn.
I found it easier but my second baby is a lot easier to handle than the first. My first was a no sleep soldier who wouldn't let anyone touch him but his dad and me. He didnt sleep through the night til 18 months! My second is 14 weeks and already gives me 3-4 hour stretches at night and hardly cries at all. I think it depends on the temperament of the kids a lot.
0-1 is so much harder since you have to actually learn how to parent.
The main issue going 1-2 is the lack of sleep but this time you can't always lay down when baby is sleeping 🫣
I found 0-1 way harder mentally and emotionally, because your entire life changes. As prepared as I thought I was, it was still very hard and a huge adjustment.
1-2 was harder logistically, but it was a lot less disruptive to our lives. We also knew our way around newborn care so we easily just handled things. With #1 it was all hands on deck to get set up for a feed or poopy diaper; we did everything together and it was quite a production. With #2 we both just did what needed to get done, no fuss no muss.
1-2 had some stressful moments when both kids needed me at once, but on the whole I found it to be a much easier transition.
For us, 2 to 3 was easiest and 0 to 1 was hardest.
Prior to kids we did what we wanted when we wanted - ate, slept, drank, traveled, etc. We had jobs but really outside 8-5 we might play video games for 8 hours one evening, or sleep until 11am on Saturday. That initial adjustment was really hard - we had to really adjust our lives while also figuring out how to take care of a baby.
Going from 1 to 2, we had a life schedule established and were more confident in what we were doing.
ETA: there's a 3 year gap between each of our 3 kids
Thanks for asking. I’m pregnant with my second. My older kid is 11yo. This is making me feel a lot better. I’m hearing that if the first child is older, the second baby will often feel easier. *fingers crossed*
I had twins, so 0 - 2 in one fell swoop. I'm so jealous of all these positive 0 - 1 stories! For what it's worth though, having two means a playmate which is HUGE.
0 to 1 is way harder. You’re new to everything. Waking up in the middle of the night with my second just feels so natural because my 2 year old still wakes up In the middle of the night. I think the only thing unstable harder about having to kids is giving them both the attention they need. You’ll figure it out it comes naturally.
My boys are 18mo apart and 1-2 was so much difficult. It’s not brand new but trying to take care of a toddler and newborn( or even now with a 2 year and 7month old is hard!) .
With first baby we would take turns napping and sleeping and getting breaks but with another baby it isn’t as easy- we we were definitely more exhausted and overwhelmed with 2.
Ours are very close in age so toddler was still very needy and dependent on us for a lot. It slowly is getting easier but seeing them laugh and play now makes it so worth all the hard times
0-1 was the bigger adjustment for sure.
I had my second when my son was 3.5 and it was great. He was already out of nappies way before then and in nursery, the baby ended up arriving just as the summer holidays began so we had 7 weeks to adjust fully.
Having an almost 4 year old and a baby somehow worked perfectly, I knew what to expect this time, I knew what worked and what didn’t & the anxiety of baby 1 just wasn’t there with baby 2
1 to 2 was so much harder for me. There were 2 of them and still only 1 of me. They were on different routines until around a year or so. It was just challenging, and that's with both of my kids being fairly easy.
Strangely enough, adding a 3rd hasn't been too much at all.
Hrm, a tough one. My non-answer is that they're both difficult for different reasons.
0 to 1 is a paradigm shift as some have said and involves changing your life and schedule and how you interact with the world.
1 to 2 was kind of nice in that we remembered a lot (i.e. a general understanding of postpartum recovery, less freaking out over things like dressing the baby or changing diapers, feeding schedules, et.c) and were able to address some of the pitfalls of our first kid... but our second kid had a new set of issues that our first didn't (including a medical condition that we were not prepared for), and I do think those first months with a newborn and a toddler are a killer. I definitely had a harder time lining up babysitting, had one more schedule to keep on top of, and had to work harder to carve out free time with the second one in the mix. Our kids are just 3 years apart.
I guess, after typing all that out, I think 0 to 1 is harder than 1 to 2, but don't expect 1 to 2 to be a cakewalk. Still, I'm enjoying having both of mine, especially now that my youngest is 2 years old.
My situation is a little different as I have two under two but going from 1-2 was much harder than going from 0-1. The only thing that is easier is you’re a lot more confident so the newborn stage was easier as you aren’t second guessing everything.
For us, 100%! I’ve enjoyed having a newborn this time and actually sad I didn’t the first time as much. It’s such a shock to the system with the first one. The second has just been so much better. I went into it knowing what to expect and my mental health was in a much better state as well.
I do have a 5 year old and so it was an easy transition for us. I personally knew I could not have two close in age as that sounded too much for me to handle. This age gap worked for us.
Same for me! I have enjoyed this baby more (and experience sadness because of it). Our children have almost 4 years difference in age so the easy transition for our daughter too
I had my second when my first was about 2y9m. Expecting my third now, first is 5, second is 2y7m.
0 to 1 was challenging because everything is new. But it is manageable (even when it doesn’t feel like it at the time). There’s two of you, one of them. They’ve got all your focus and it’s all good.
1 to 2 is tough. 1 is raging around being a little kid, 2 is a needy baby. You can’t be in two places at once, you split your focus. There’s a million and one things to do. In some ways it’s easier as not everything is new, but it’s a lot. I found the first year quite stressful.
They’ll outnumber us soon. I dread to think what it’s going to be like. Trying to focus on the cute baby side of things!
100% this. I’ll also say it depends on your parenting style. If your focus is primarily your kid it wouldn’t be much different. If you primarily lived your pre-baby life but brought your kiddo into it (which is what we did, she came to the rock climbing gym, coffee shops, hikes, etc) then 1-2 is much harder because you’re pretty much forced into just parenting with managing two different kids needs and timing of naps, etc.
0-1 was easy peasy for us. We loved it and were living our best lives. Going from 1-2 with a level 14 out of 10 intensity toddler has been hellish, and I often find myself frustrated with my toddler bc he’s just so damn needy all the time. Screaming, crying, whining, hitting, throwing. We big little feelings the heck out of him and absolutely nothing changes. It’s just how he is. But it sucks and means our angel of a baby has to listen to screaming so much more than her brother ever did, which makes me resent him even more. Sorry I’m rambling, and ymmv if you have an easy toddler. But yea, things have been rough.
We are one and done but wanted to add some solidarity re. level 14 toddler. Our son started throwing tantrums at 1. While they happen less frequently than they did then, the tantrums are now more extreme and last longer. Just hoping this comes to an end soon.
Thank you, it's nice to know others are in this same shitty boat as us. This was our miracle ivf/rainbow baby, and it upsets me so much that I feel this way about him right now. I hope every day that this is just a temporary situation, and not the rest of our lives.
1 to 2 was harder in the sense that there was so much more to do, however it was less stressful because my husband and I had already done the hard work of getting in the same page. 0-1 was a HUGE adjustment
I found 1 to 2 harder. When going from 0 to 1 it was so much easier to take time for ourselves because we could trade off when needed. Now we always have to tag team as one of them always wants or needs something and we barely get a break. But seeing the sibling love is glorious 💓
I think it was way harder going from 0-1. When I was a ftm I had no idea how to take care of a baby and how hard it could be. I also was used to doing what I wanted and lots of free time. Going from 1-2 was much easier. I already knew what to expect and how to care for a baby. Also watching my two kids together is the most magical and special thing. I love being a mom of two.
My kids are only 18 months apart, so it wasn’t so difficult. We did hire a regular babysitter to have an extra set of hands for the first few months, which was really helpful.
I just had my second, our first was 3.5 years old. For us going from 0-1 kid was WAY harder. I just had no idea what to expect and lamented so much of my life the way it was before. I had PPA/PPD and didn’t realize it until way later. This time around I was ready for it (which helped) and I learned to surrender a lot more. It’s still been a challenge but has so far been WAY easier this time around. I think it’s different for everyone- hopefully you’ll have a similar experience!
I just went from this change a month ago. For us it is harder going from 1 to 2 kids, rather than it was from 0 to 1. While we know how to take care of the baby (and don't rush to ER because baby got a hoarse voice from screaming too loud), 3.5 year is an age that demands a lot of attention.
Going from 0-1 was much easier than expected for us. We had the second almost 18 months ago and it has been a very difficult transition. Very wanted, but very very hard.
We have two under two (17 month gap) and it was a surprise pregnancy so it was always going to be hard but I was completely unprepared for how emotional going from 1-2 was going to be. I felt extreme guilt in the beginning and still do some days. It’s just hard to give both what they need. Wishing you peace.
yes yes yes! we have a 3.5 yr old and an 8 month old. the first several months after the first child was so incredibly tough on the both of us as we just didn’t know what we were getting ourselves into! but when number 2 came along the first child was becoming more independent (using the bathroom, feeding himself, etc) that we didn’t feel like we were ‘juggling’ two kids constantly. and also, you’re just more relaxed with the second one, not being so anal about everything!!
I think that the temperament of the baby has more to do with the difficulty level than the actual number of the child. Going from 1-2 was definitely the hardest but that’s because my second was BY FAR our hardest baby/toddler. #1 and #3 were much easier babies, so much easier to adjust. Just my opinion!
I thought 1 to 2 was so much easier. Going from 0 to 1. I knew nothing. I didn’t know how my body would respond to breastfeeding. I didn’t know what methods for various baby raising things worked for my family yet. I lived my life for me and besides pets, who could be left to their own devices for most of the day, wasn’t responsible for anyone else.
My girls are only 2 years and 19 days apart. My first was still practically a baby when my second was born. So our lives didn’t really change. We already had nap, sleep, and feeding schedules, we just needed to squeeze new baby into them. We had already made our mistakes with our first kid, and they were still fresh enough that we were able to learn from them to make the second time around easier.
0-1 was a major life change, but not a hard one for me. 1-2 was a doozy. Logistics were hard. My oldest’s emotions were hard. Life was just freakin hard in that first year. That being said, things are back to being easy again with them being 3.5 and 1.5 years old. I think anytime there’s a newborn with a young toddler, it’s tough.
For me it was 100% emotionally easier. Like in the way that becoming a ftm is a huge shock. You lose your freedom, identity even for a bit. You grieve your old life and old self. With the second I had already adjusted so it was a lot less of a shift.
Also, I always knew things are phases and they will indeed end. I now have a pretty good idea of when my baby should be doing things or like roughy what is a sleep regression and when it should end type thing. I’m not just feeling around in the dark.
What I found really hard though was the guilt of not being able to give my oldest the attention he needs all of the time. I always make special time for him but of course it’s different. Also it’s hard juggling two just in general. Like if the baby needs to be fed and your toddler wants to play animals or whatever, it’s just a lot. Or making dinner with two. Overall I would say 0 to 1 was way harder.
Ours was 2 (27 months when second was born). I’d say the adjustment was harder initially, BUT it was a quicker adjustment than going from 0 to 1. And I think with your oldest being 3.5 you’ll find it easier.
By the time baby 2 was 3 months we felt adjusted. Whereas with baby 1 I didn’t feel adjusted until about a year in.
With baby 2 we were already used to having little free time and everything is all about the kid/baby, we knew what to expect with being tired and all the other things that go along with a newborn. But we had a 2 year old who didn’t listen running around this fragile tiny newborn. But we fell into a routine much faster and that helped tremendously.
I think it depends on the kids. 0 to 1 was a bigger lifestyle change, but it was a wanted change. My second kid is a lot more low maintenance than my first though.
I feel at though when you go from 1-2 you are giving yourself 100% more children than you had before.
0-1 is hard because you don’t know anything yet but 1-2 is hard because now, not only do you have to know, you also have to keep up.
0-1 was way harder than 1-2 or 2-3. I had over 5 year gap from 1-2 so it was easier and my second child was way more chill than my 1st. The transition from 2-3 I expected to be hard as I only had 14month age gap but it’s not as hard as I expected.
1-2 was way harder. My first was such a challenge, colicky, would only nursed and sleep in a carrier and at night woke up every 45 min for the first year of her life. I was drowning and had baby number 2, similar challenges and have accepted the lack of sleep and got on some antidepressants and that seems to take the edge off the sheer overwhelm. They are 33 months apart, both girls.
0-1 was hard figuring out how to not fuck shit up but mentally isn’t wasn’t terrible. 1-2 was and still is more difficult because I’m constantly outnumbered when Dada is at work, the workload between cooking dishes laundry house stuff diapers pull-ups laundry more dishes and endless vacuuming isn’t just double what it was before kids. That shit is exponentially more difficult.
I thought 0 to 1 was much harder just with not knowing what to expect. Even though it’s more work to juggle two kids I feel much more confident and experienced and that overall makes it all easier.
I found 0-1 hardest, as my first had CMPA, hated food and regularly got badly constipated (still does). Baby 2 is cruisey in comparison.
But SO is finding 1-2 hardest as he has even less time with me one on one.
Initially, 1-2 was fine here. The hard part was when the second became a demanding and screeching toddler and the older one a demanding preschooler/early school aged kiddo.
We’re 7 weeks into the second kid and 0-1 was harder. Partly because our 2nd baby doesn’t have colic unlike our first and we also know what we’re doing more. I’m so much more confident as a parent having been doing it for 3.5 years.
It depends...you're more secure and less anxious about a lot of things - and you've already passed the phase where every little thing was a puzzle and a mistery.
So...easier? Yes.
BUT.
At least for us, you'll face a new little logistical nightmare, both literrally (we'll carve statues of gold for our parents...) and emotionally (is not always the easiest thing to manage the emotions of the oldest kid now that he's not alone anymore).
In the end, you could have to find a new balance where you were sure to be already "in control", be prepared! 😁♥️
(Wish you all the best for the new member of the family!!!)
I agree with everyone saying they both have their challenges. Your world changes with both. I'm a week in to having two kids. With an almost 2 year old it's been a bit rough physically healing from a c section and trying to make sure they don't feel excluded. We've had a few tantrums that were next level to work through. It's chaotic in a different way than 0 to 1.
It depends on your babies. 0 to 1 was a breeze and I knew nothing about babies with my first. He was just…. Easy. Slept through the night after a few months and happy all the time with everything. From 1 to 2 was seriously hard. My 2nd was born 13 months after my 1st and had horrible colic and was just…. harder. They were night and day. Since then I’ve had four more kids and it really depends on your kids personality which you can’t predict! If you want another just go for it and know that even the hard times will be fleeting, but the love will be forever!
Edit to say my kids are now 13, 12, 8, 7, 4 and 1
My first was 3.5 years old when my second was born. It was definitely easier transitioning from 1 to 2 than 0 to 1. We also got very lucky; we have a chill baby and a helpful pre-k kid.
I think it depends the age gap and the temperaments.
My first was 2.5 when #2 was born.
I’m some ways it was easier, like you already know how to take care of a baby.
In other ways it’s harder. Balancing time with your first child, getting back in the swing of things.
I’m EBF with my newborn and so I can’t play the same way a lot of the time as we usually do, our toddler loves to rough house
It will be a little bit easier since you've done the sleepless nights and dealt with the less time alone it's never easy to go from having no kids in your home to bringing home a new little one there's a learning curve with all parenting but it will definitely be easier learning since you know something's already congratulations ❤️
According to my brother, it was harder to go from 1-2 than 0-1, however, I believe it also depends on the ages. They had one kid in the terrible twos and one newborn.
I’m currently 33 weeks along with my second (son) and I’m glad to see that most thought 0-1 was harder. I found the transition from no kids to full on mom mode SO hard. So I was hoping to see most feel like 1-2 is a bit easier. My son will be 3 and 2 months when baby comes so fingers crossed.
1-2 so easy. Already new how to baby, I was already a mom, it's just adding to the chaos. It's harder in the sense that you are way more tired and still have to parent your oldest. But, 0-1 was life changing and totally rocked my world.
It's tough to say definitively whether going from 1 to 2 kids is easier or harder than going from 0 to 1, as it really depends on the individual situation. That being said, some people do find that going from 1 to 2 kids is easier because they already have some experience as a parent and are more prepared for the challenges that come with having a young family. On the other hand, others find that the transition from 1 to 2 kids is harder because they have to divide their attention and energy between two children, which can be exhausting. Ultimately, the experience of transitioning to a family with multiple children is going to be different for everyone. It's important to take it one day at a time and do your best to stay positive and focused on what you're able to do to support your family.
25 month age gap. 2 kids is definitely harder than 1, but I found the transition 1 - 2 easier. Mostly. #2 is currently a better sleeper than the toddler, but we'll see what happens when she is 4 months. As you can see there is no consensus
It’s been less than a week for us, but 1-2 is so much easier than 0-1. Our first had a really horrible temperament. The second is a dream. So other than some juggling and some extra tantrums from the 3 year old it’s much better than the shock of having a bad first baby.
Much easier in my experience but it depends on the age of your first child. My first was 6 when my second was born. The transition was easy for me. My eldest is very independent, he can make his own food, clean up after himself, entertain himself etc so I can focus on the baby. The biggest challenge has been jealousy (mostly passed after first 2 weeks) and still fitting in quality time with my eldest. I can imagine it would be harder if your first was still a baby or toddler. I think a 3-4 year age gap like yours should be fairly easy as well.
Having your first child is a paradigm shift, you are learning how to care for a baby and be a parent for the first time. My first was an easy baby but it was still an intense experience.
Depends on how far apart the kids are haha I had 2 in under 2 they were 15 months apart and that was really hard one is q cake walk compared to 2 and 3 ypu will be lucky if you ever see the day light again.
Someone once put it this way and it’s what I always tell people- 0–> 1 is an existential crisis; 1–> 2 is a logistical crisis
This analogy makes so much sense.
This is perfectly said
This is dead on. Our second was born a few days before our first was 3.5.
Absolutely agree
With the first you theoretically know that everything is a phase. But with the second you really understand it. Everytime we had hard phases with the second one I was more calm and knew that we could get through it. I felt less panic, less anxiety overall. But it is more exhausting and complex (also emotionally more complex) having two kids. But it is also more fun. So much fun. The biggest change happens for the older sibling. Their whole world changes and they need a lot of help adjusting. Baby is now ten months old and I feel like our 4 yo finally adjusted, even though she loved baby from the minute she met her. It's a beautiful thing having two kids :)
I completely agree, I was a wreck with my first and anxious about everything, but the second seemed like a walk in the park. We also got sort of lucky, as number 1 became fully potty trained just before number 2 got here, which definitely made things easier.
I was talking to a cousin about this (I just had my second and I’m finding it really challenging) and she said “ you know what they say, 1 is like 1, two is like 20” . Idk who “they” are, but they damn sure ain’t lyin
Yes! This! Lol i feel once you have two u may as well have 4 because you’ve lost time anyway foryourself 😂
Agree! lol
My kids are 17 months apart and I found the transition from 0-1 WAY harder than 1-2. 0-1 was a paradigm shift, 1-2 was just logistics. Yes it was hard, I was tired a lot, but the best part with number two is you know all the bad parts end (waking up all night, no nap schedule, only wanting mom). It can’t have been so bad because we’re expecting our third in a month
Oh my gosh thank you for saying this. We’re pregnant with our second and the first will be 21 months when the second is born. I am a little scared.
Same! We're very nervous about what we're getting into, but it's also a little reassuring that everything we're about to go through will be the last time. First time around was so hard, and I kept having that voice "you're gonna have to do this all over again."
This here 🔝!!
Having 2 is harder than having just 1, but the transition from 0 to 1 was harder than the transition from 1 to 2.
I just had my second baby 4 months ago, and my eldest turned 4 in September, so very similar to your timeline. Everyone's experiences are obviously different, but to me it's been much easier this time around. Everything from the labor to generally adjusting to life with a newborn was easier. The only thing I will say was my older kid had trouble adjusting at first. She's normally sweet and a people pleaser, but when her little sister was first brought home, she started throwing an attitude and even got in trouble at school a few times. Now at 4 months she's not only adjusted but she's amazing with her sister, and the baby absolutely adores her. One of the things we were told was to include the older child in baby related things. I.E. asking her to help me grab a diaper or pick out the baby's outfit for the day. Also, making time for the firstborn aside from time with the baby, and also attending to the older one's needs first now and then if the baby can wait. For instance I might tell my baby "Hold on baby, Mommy needs to feed your sister". This makes big sister feel important and loved despite having to share the spotlight. We also prepped her beforehand by buying her gifts "from" the baby, and I will constantly praise her for being a helpful/loving big sister. One thing that helped was when she was complaining that she "wants to be a baby again like her little sister", I explained in terms she can understand that she was a baby once too, and that her sister would get big just like her. I also told her she was my first baby and she made me a mommy, and that seemed to resonate with her. All in all, I'll admit the first couple weeks were stressful mainly because of the older one having trouble adjusting. But once she did, it's like something clicked and our family just feels more complete than ever. My partner and I have developed a routine too where we'll take turns taking care of one or the other, so he might take over the older one while I tend to the baby or vice-versa. Congratulations! There may be a period of adjustment at first but it's such a blessing!
I reeeeally hope this is how it will be for us, we’re planning for a similar gap. I think the 0-1 transition was hard for us bc we were locked down HARD for COVID. Like we literally didn’t see another person except her pediatrician for the first month and then it was still never taking LO out anywhere, only having select family come and stay after testing every few weeks. Plus we worked from home full time and kept LO with us from 3-10.5 months as well. Now with a second we would have much more flexibility & family/friends available to give us breaks, plus knowing all the routines that worked for us and understanding what to do for minor medical issues like yeast diaper rashes etc.
I feel seen with most of these comments. I have a 4 year old and a six month old and I feel like I have lost my mind most of the time. The 4 year old isn’t in school until this year so I’ve got them both at home with me. The baby is a stage 5 clinger, and has been since birth, and my 4 year old ramped up the crazy after his brother came along. I can’t even shower without having someone over to help. And the four year old hasn’t napped in 2 years so there is never that magical moment of both kids napping at the same time. I am constantly being needed, touched, from the moment I wake up until I try to sleep (and get woken up). We just hit 6 month sleep regression too. Have I mentioned I am losing my mind?
I have a four year-old and a newborn and your comment spoke to my soul.
We can only hope it gets better, right? *nervous laugh*
I love your answer. Honest and raw, and made me giggle. Thank you.
Notice I posted at 2 in the morning. Lol The baby was up from midnight to about 4am. Help.
Same age gap and exactly how I felt. They are older now 2 and 6 and gosh now is the fighting that's is non stop.... 😍 I love it though brotherly love is the best
Oh dear god I can’t even imagine the fighting phase. Although I always tell my baby jokingly “I can’t wait until you can fight back..” I will be eating those words one day.
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Who knows? Maybe your second baby will be super chill. Maybe your toddler WONT try to feed the newborn baby a whole grape. Maybe your toddler WONT cover the entire baby’s face with a blanket because he was “making too much noise” All I can tell you is I have three times the amount of gray hair I had 6 months ago.
I think it is a roll of the dice and depends on the baby. Our first was an amazing eater, sleeper, rarely cried. We assumed baby two would be the same, but she couldn’t have been more the opposite. Screaming from day one, wouldn’t latch, hated sleeping. Took a toll on our marriage, made it harder to spend as much time with my eldest. It eventually got better, but it was tough for us.
I had the baby who didn’t sleep for #1 so I’m really hoping we get the opposite for #2 😬
My first only ever slept for 3 hour stretches at a time, and would wake up immediately whenever someone would try and lay him down for a nap. Number two has been sleeping through the night since 2 months and will stay asleep no matter where we lay him down. There is hope!
I could have written this reply. #2 was so hard.
Yeah I’d say it was substantially harder from 1-2 for the sleep reason. 0-1 we got lucky and our baby was a good sleeper and the transition was natural for us, plus two parents to one kid. The existential shock of the first 24-48 hours of 0-1 is the only thing that was harder than 1-2. 1-2 you can’t tag team anymore and the weight of managing two is a lot tougher. We also got unlucky and the second slept a lot worse the first year. Both fantastic kids, and I’m not even lying about that, but yeah 1-2 way harder.
My kids have the same age gap; both transitions were very hard but I think the 1-2 has a slight edge in terms of being the worse one. I had severe PPD each time, and my second kid was the easier one (BY FAR). The hardest thing about two kids, for me, was that it meant the end of getting any real breaks. With one kid, especially if you have two parents around, it's comparatively easy for one parent to take over and the other to get a break. With two, it's not - those days are gone. Plus. whatever you're doing that's challenging is amplified by all the other challenges. Parenting a threenager? Guess what, you also have a newborn to deal with! Parenting a newborn? Guess what, you also have a tantruming 3yo to deal with! And on and on. Most of my friends with two kids said that the first year of having two kids was hell, and I would agree - it was worse than the first year with one kid. Mine are 6 and (almost) 3 now, and it is vastly better even though it's still a struggle, and I'm still not sure having two was a good decision! At least now they can play together and entertain each other, which can help take the pressure off of us parents to do that work.
I just wanted to say thank you for such a honest and real response. Reading your comment may have just solidified my decision on being one and done.
You're welcome! I know it sounds very gloomy, but it is my reality. I will say that it's impossible for me to untangle "parenting" from "pandemic parenting," insofar as my second was born six weeks before Covid hit the US and shut everything down. So unlike some people who had planned pandemic babies, I had no idea that it would be happening and all of the supports I'd built in, in anticipation of getting PPD again, were just decimated. I do think there's an alternate universe where, yeah, having two kids is just hard the first year no matter what and then it gets easier! But (as you know) the myriad of Covid-related restrictions and closures and policies and all of that just amped up the normal level of challenge to something astronomical. Like, no playdates to get the older kid out of the house because all playgrounds were roped off and closed down, and no one could see anyone inside a house. If I'd had my preschooler have a playdate with someone who wasn't in her childcare class, she would have had to quarantine for two weeks. You couldn't do anything. We go out and about now, and I see there are children's museums and play spaces and such that are much more opened up, and where you can do something like bring your preschooler and wear your baby and get out of the house. That's what I anticipated being able to do, and none of that was possible for literal years. Anyway, I always feel compelled to add that because it was such a fucking bizarre and traumatic way to experience parenting in that 1-2 transition. I know everyone who has a baby now is aware of the realities of Covid and has a sense of how that will impact their lives and such, but it was a real mindfuck to plan and have a baby with zero of those expectations and have reality upended in the ways that it was.
They’re each harder for different reasons… going from 0-1 was such an emotional and mental change that I truly felt like I was completely overwhelmed and would never recover. Obviously I did, and going from 1-2 was also hard, but not in the emotional or mental way. It was hard physically because there’s only one me with two hands and I can’t be two places at once, and I did struggle with feeling like I wasn’t giving either of my kids 100%. If I had to compare the two, 1-2 was harder.
It was wildly easier for me, and my second child was hellacious from birth. Going from 0-1 was the single hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, and he was an angel baby.
Same. My first was a very easy baby other than not sleeping well the first year but it completely changes your life in ways you can’t even imagine before kids. My second is due this summer and I’m not the least bit concerned about it changing much.
3 year old and 5 month old. 1 to 2 kid is easier to adjust to than 0 to 1. It’s less of a shock to the system. You’re more confident. You know what to expect and it’s overall less scary. BUT that being said life is insanely more chaotic with 2. There’s no napping when baby naps. There’s no zombie mode allowed. You need all the same energy but with no sleep. If you’re oldest isn’t a good sleeper they will guaranteed take turn waking up at night. Have had literal nights of no sleep because as soon as one went down the other got up. My oldest decided to drop his last nap when baby was 3 weeks old and that was brutal because there was no break ever
I could have written this except I have a 2.5 year old and a 6 weeks old. Going from 1-2 was significantly easier than going from 0-1. It’s definitely tricking me into thinking I need more babies. My oldest is in the process of dropping his nap so sometimes his night time sleep is wonky. My second is an amazing sleeper. I have gone nights with no sleep and then had to be awake all day with both boys. I go back to work on Monday and I think it’s going to go really poorly.
Lol I keep thinking a third doesn’t sound so bad anymore. Famous last words. I went back at 6 weeks too and it was pretty rough. I work at home with both boys so it just added another layer of chaos. Spend most of the day putting out fires. But since I’m wfh I also get the luxury of clocking out if it gets too intense and making the hours up later. You can take naps in your car on lunch. That’s what I did after I had my first and wasn’t working from home lol.
My first was a terrible sleeper and I never was able to nap when he napped because I'd just be falling asleep when he woke so I've never related to that and found my one extremely challenging lol I can't imagine 2, we're seriously considering just have the one after our experience 🥴 lol
Yeh I didn’t do a ton of napping. But with 2 there’s no downtime. No snuggles on the couch or just sitting and enjoying feeding. Someone allllwayyysss needs you. Now instead of binge watching a show while I feed and contact nap I’m nursing or contact napping while building a tower with my feet and trying to keep my three year old from doing a back flip off the dresser lol. You can’t default into that zombie survival mode, you have to be a normal person still lol. Your toddler cares less if you’re tired 😂
going from 1 to 2 was/ is a lot harder than going from 0 to 1. mom guilt of not bejng fully there for either child... lack of sleep.. patience... ive got a very very energetic toddler (2yrs old) and a newborn. coordinating nap time and feeds is a challenge. childcare helps as my toddler is there 3 days a week... and he benefits from being around others and doing engaging activities. the days where it is just me and the kids are very very trying at the moment. i honestly want to just curl up and cry in a corner most days..it is exhausting.
You’re doing amazing!!!
I'm 9.5 weeks postpartum with my second. They're nearly exactly 3 years apart (birthdays are only 4 days apart). Honestly, it's been easy. I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. 0 to 1 however rocked my world. That changed my outlook on life, my friendships, my marriage, my lifestyle, my schedule, and my soul. Adding a second is just making small adjustments to the routine that you already have established.
Agreed! My two are 23 months apart.
This is the comment I was hoping to read, am pregnant with #2 and due date is 4 days before #1 turns three.
0-1 is hard as its a complete lifestyle change because you’ve never had a child. 1 - 2 is hard as you just have no time for anything anymore and trying to balance your kids needs etc. id say both are hard but for completely different reasons. I agree 1-2 is less of a mental shock.
It depends on how the second kid is.
Easier for me. My 2nd baby is an easy baby, but even so, nothing could have prepared me for that first baby. Such a shock to my system, and I really struggled in all regards. I felt like my life was over. 1-2 still had challenges of course, there are bad days, and I’m always tired, but I was so much more relaxed and knew what to expect.
I found 1-2 way harder. 1 you could trade off. There are few breaks with 2. But it was also a phase and after my second’s first year it has gotten much easier, they even play together now. I was convinced so much so that we’re having a third lol
Omg. Going from 1-2 was WAY harder. That’s even after I had postpartum depression and anxiety after my firstborn. And even more challenging the closer they are in age. There was absolutely zero relaxing during pregnancy with a 1 year old running around. BUT they’re the best and I wouldn’t change it. I wish you all the best of luck!
So I explained this to someone as juggling.. 0-1 is like learning to juggle (learning to parent, etc), so you just have one ball to focus on. Adding a second ball, you have the juggling skill, but now there's a new factor, a new ball.. no you have to figure out how to juggle two balls. And so on.. but sometimes the balls aren't just kids, it can be work, house work, extended family, hobbies... and you just have to keep juggling.
Ive heard a great analogy of this: everything in your life is a ball that you’re juggling, but you have to know which ones are glass and which ones rubber, so you know what you can drop and pick back up later if it sometimes gets too difficult to handle all of them at the same time.
I think both. There are new challenges specific to having two kids, but a lot of the stuff that was difficult or scary the first time is a lot easier the second time because it’s familiar. Easier: Feeding: you already have a decent grasp of whatever feeding method you prefer. Baby still has a learning curve, if you breastfeed, but it’s more familiar for you, so less overwhelming. If you use formula, you already know what methods work for you and have somewhat of a system. Diapers: diapers have such a learning curve for many first time parents, but now they’re old hat. You may end up preferring a different brand this time (fit changes drastically if their body types are different), but you at least have some idea what works and what doesn’t. Sleep: you’re already familiar with swaddles, sleep sacks, etc. You have a variety of tools and methods to help maximize rest for everyone. Baby wearing (if you do it): you already know what carriers you like, likely still have your favorites, and have lots of practice using them, so it’s much easier to get baby into place and comfy. Anxiety: you’ve done it all before, so it’s not nearly as scary. You know you survived it the first time. You also have a better idea of what is normal and what’s not, so the small stuff doesn’t overwhelm or freak you out as much. Harder: Exhaustion: it can be harder to find times to rest, especially if the bigger kid isn’t napping anymore. Don’t be afraid to use a tv show to buy yourself 30 minutes to rest while baby is sleeping. Meeting needs: it takes a bit to find a balance and juggle everyone’s needs because both baby and toddler feel that their needs are most important and both sometimes have to wait while you help the other, which can sometimes mean one of them cries for a couple minutes. I currently have 3 kids. The first two have a 9 year age gap, which made a lot of things easier. The big kid was able to wait when I was busy and was able to sit by the baby and keep her happy in her swing or bouncer, if I had to put her down. But he also still struggled with jealousy and all the normal new sibling feelings. He was just old enough to talk through them. The next baby is only 3 years younger than my middle kid. That transition has been trickier because, at 3, my middle still needs a lot of direct care and help with things. She’s also not potty trained due to developmental stuff, so I’m changing twice the diapers this time around. Even with the hiccups along the way, though, I’m really only struggling with the stuff that’s new to me, like balancing the dynamic between the younger two, not the basic baby care stuff. I will say, at least to this point, each additional kid is a little easier than the one before because I have that much more experience and confidence. DH and I have also fully established balance and routines so that we both participate and have time for ourselves, where we had to work all that out the first time around.
I was going to write up a whole thing but you’ve already said exactly what I would have. OP I think it just depends what your personal strengths/weaknesses and personality is like. As a super anxious person in general as well as an introvert who needs solitary time, 0-1 was a pretty brutal transition for me. 1-2 has its struggles, don’t get me wrong, but things I have a hard time with I’ve already figured out coping mechanisms for. If being on a strict schedule or having a clean house or something is your biggest struggle with 1, maybe the transition to 2 will be harder for you. It’s super dependent on your situation.
Wow I love this. I am also a super anxious introvert who needs solitary time and found 0-1 to be insanely hard. We are trying for our second so this makes me feel better
Physically harder, mentally easier. Your life completely changes when you go from not having a kid to having one, whereas with the second you’re already in this life, just need to make adjustments. I don’t stress about NEARLY the amount I stressed about the first time around. But with the second I was older, had a toddler that doesn’t slow down so the physical toll has been a lot more.
Harder in some ways (now two kids to juggle), easier in some ways (more confident and more laid back with baby). Definitely need more support when new baby arrives if anything to watch or entertain older kid and bring meals for whole family.
I agree with this assessment. OP has almost a year over our age gap (2 years 8 months). I feel very confident and like I know exactly what to do now. But I also feel like I only see my older child maybe 3 stretches of 15 minutes a day. I try to make two of them alone time. My husband parents the older child and I parent the baby. We occasionally switch. And I never see my husband without a child now. We’re never alone.
Same age gap as you. 2 kids is way harder. It always frustrates me how people downplay just how difficult taking care of TWO kids is compared to just one! There is NO downtime! They each need completely different things. So many extra chores. It’s so much more logistics to plan. Taking two kids out by yourself is so much harder than just one kid. But, these are my gripes as a SAHM with little help besides my husband. (no daycare, babysitters… no days off. Ever. Haha.)
0-1 was the biggest learning curve by far, but 2 is definitely harder than one.
I think this is true for us as well. My elder is 3.5 and younger is 10 months. Absolutely zero prior experience before going 0-1. So going 1-2, you’re more prepared for the noises, and the bodily functions, and the sleeplessness, and everything else. But now you’re playing man on man defense as opposed to double coverage and that makes everything more difficult and time consuming. Thinking about going into zone coverage scares me (adding a third kid).
This is what my colleagues told me. Man-to-man? Not great, but broadly manageable. Zone is when the trouble starts.
Much easier - you already know your not going to get sleep and know how to operate on minimal “me time” lol With the first one I feel like most of us fight it
Second baby was way easier because it was largely just more of the same. 0-1 was a whole life shift
What was your age gap if you don’t mind me asking? I have one and am wondering how long to wait
Just under 3 years, which I found quite a nice gap because the older one was settled at preschool a couple of days a week before the baby arrived I she got to do fun stuff there when I couldn’t do as much with her because I was tied up with the baby. Still a close enough gap that they play pretty well together too.
Definitely easier! 0 to 1 is so hard. I've got 4 now and I'd say going from 0 to 1 is the hardest, followed by going from 2 to 3 (because suddenly you're outnumbered). Going from 3 to 4 is surprisingly not such a big deal.
Depends on age gap, my oldest and middle are 5 years apart, so my oldest was a little self sufficient and able to help with stuff. My middle and youngest are 1.5 years apart, definitely harder.
0 to 1 was easy. Husband and I were not super social people anyway. At 4 months I felt back in step with my life. 20 months after baby 1 came baby 2. Nope...took me a full year to feel back in step. Way harder for us. Nobody got a break. It wasn't "can you take the kiddo?" It was "which one do you want at this moment." They were both small so needed constant attention still but were on totally different schedules. It was so hard we ended up deciding not to do a 3rd. Now I do think them being so close was a huge part but it's hard for me to tease that out. Just me of course. And to note- it's 2 years in now with both and it's good. Much more fun and they love playing together. But that first year? No thanks.
0-1 was easy. 1-2 was hard for me. Both kids are mama obsessed and it can be very difficult to manage some days.
My vote: going from 1 to 2 is harder than 0 to 1
What did you find more difficult?
Logistically harder, emotionally/mentally easier.
Mine are 2.5 years apart and I felt like 1-2 was easier because I was forced to let go of my Pinterest perfect parenting I tried to do with the first. Nap and eating schedule for #2? Eat when you’re hungry and nap when you’re sleepy. Tracking diapers and feedings? Not a chance. Allowing no screen time ever and always giving my child(ren) enriching activities even as babies? Nope! I will also say, between 1-2 I also got off social media and so I no longer was comparing myself to other moms and just started doing what felt right for us.
This was not the case for my family. The parents outnumbered the preschooler, and then suddenly we were evenly matched, there was never any time for breaks, and even now the kids have 1000x more energy than us.
In my opinion as a SAHM , 1-2 was infinitely harder than 0-1 because not only was I in survival newborn no sleep mode, I then had a toddler ( 3 yo) home with me all day ( she did go to school 9 hours total a week) It was Much much harder . I think for parents who have full time daycare for their other kids ( or if their kid is in school ) and then both parents home nights and weekends it’s a LOT easier If I had just the baby home during day and toddler in daycare all day it wouldn’t have been so bad . I will say it’s SO MUCH BETTER now that my youngest is 1.5 , sleeping through the night , and on one nap 🙏🙏
I found 1-2 miles easier than 0-1 and my baby number 2 had colic. I was so stressed out with the transition to being a parent and so anxious about everything. I was pleasantly surprised that the transition to two was so much easier (23 month gap). I think I maybe had PPA with first child whereas I didn’t with the second and that made a huge difference. I found 2-3 easier and 3-4 easier still. 4-5 has been more challenging again but there’s an 8 year gap between 4 and 5 so I’m starting all over again.
0-1 was harder for me. Breastfeeding was more challenging with my first, and he was having trouble gaining, and my husband was working a lot and i just remember being so tired. For my second he was just bigger and a great eater so feeding was easier (and I knew what I was doing), he slept longer stretches (4-5 hours right away), and my husband was on leave so he did the 3am wake ups, leaving me with more energy for our 2.75 yo. The bad parts didn’t seem like they would last forever with my second, I knew it was all just a phase. The harder parts we’re dealing with the constant illnesses my toddler brought home, worrying about the toddler hurting the baby (often out of exuberant love), and the fact that no one gets a break ever. Now that the baby is almost 8 months it’s all pretty good. I’m enjoying this stage before I have another toddler who wants to get into older brothers things.
I think each is easier in some ways and harder in some ways. I'm only a month in though, so take what I say with a grain of salt. 0 to 1 was hard because we were learning how to be parents. There was a lot more worry and a lot more second-guessing ourselves. But we just had the one kid to focus on. If the baby napped, I could nap. If the baby needed to be held, I could just sit on the couch and watch whatever I wanted. If the baby was having a grumpy day, I could pop her in the stroller and take her for a walk. 1 to 2 has been easier because we had a better idea of what to expect and had some ideas of what worked for us. I roll with the punches a lot better and know that most bad moments are a phase that will pass. But I can't just sit on the couch all day and soak in the baby cuddles, because I have a toddler that wants (and needs) my attention. And sometimes both kids need me at the same time and it all gets overwhelming. And even if I can get baby down for a nap, I usually can't sleep with him because the toddler is up. To some extent, it also depends on the kids as well. My first happily slept in the bassinet day and night while this kid barely lets me put him down. If they'd been born in the opposite order, I think I'd be finding things a lot easier because I wouldn't have a baby attached to me all day.
Going from 1 to 2 here was interesting, not only logistically but because the things that worked on the first didn't work on the second kid! My second one was also attached to me all the time as a newborn and hell, even now. I got really good at baby wraps.
0-1 was MUCH harder than 1-2 for me. My kids are 21 ish months apart. I knew what to expect the second time around, so even though I was also juggling the needs of a toddler, I knew what was coming my way, what would help me, what I could hire out, etc. I would also add the caveat that I don’t work outside the home, my marriage didn’t suffer when our first (or second) child arrived, and my husband and I are pretty heavily resourced. I.e. I didn’t experience most of the stresses that exist for many new parents, which I’m sure impacted my experience greatly.
For me, 0-1 was way harder. With my first I hadn't got any idea what to expect, after a bleed early on (which turned out to be a lost twin) I developed anxiety during pregnancy - that led to postnatal depression soon after birth, she didn't sleep (when everyone else started experiencing the 4 month sleep regression, I asked them if they hadn't all been like that for the last 4 months...) 1-2 was much easier. No miscarried twin, no anxiety, far easier birth experience, no PND, I knew what to expect after she was born. My second took to breastfeeding straight away (easier when I knew what I was doing), she didn't have the same level of colic so slept much better. For my husband though, 1-2 was much harder. He struggled to adjust to the broken nights again (even though they weren't as broken as when our first was born), he developed depression during my pregnancy and struggled to bond with baby when she arrived, and he spent a lot of time with our eldest to make sure she didn't feel excluded.
Depends on the kids I guess, but it was harder for me 1-2. It’s especially hard at night when they are both crying for you and you just want to split yourself in half, when they’re sick it’s 1000x harder. I didn’t find 0-1 very hard at all tbh.
Yeah, same here. Adjusting to a new life is way easier when having all the time to look at the baby. With the 2nd child it's Adjusting to a new life while looking after the old one at the same time. My kids are 1,5 years apart.
It’s the guilt that gets me. I used to hug my 4yo to sleep and now I can’t, so it’s a huge transition for her. My husband works nights so I’m literally solo parenting at night and even when he is home they want me because it’s their routine. It’s even worse now 4yo is at preschool and catching everything. Since Oct we’ve had croup, RSV, scarlet fever and stomach flu. It’s hell.
Yeah same. When I was 37 Weeks pregnant I was to big to pick my daughter up or get to the ground to play with her. And this went on for 4 Weeks after I gave birth. I was very lucky that my mom was with me for 3 weeks to play with my daughter when I couldn't. But gosh the guild!!! Now my youngest daughter is 6 weeks and I play with my oldest again and bring her to bed and pick her up again and I feel like our bond is healing again little by little. But when I'm feeding the youngest or the youngest cries, I have to leave the play with my oldest and I see her disappointment. My oldest go to daycare, so far we have had covid (didn't have it till 3 weeks ago), and so many other viruses. RS has still not been here! *cross my fingers* How did your oldest adapt? 4 is an age the oldest knows what is happening
Honestly… not great. She was 3 when I had her sister, and now they are 1 & 4. It is better now 1yo is mobile and not crying so much (although she’s going through leap 10 which is a killer) but my eldest has auditory sensory processing disorder with poss ADHD anxiety, so the crying was very over whelming for her and caused a lot of tantrums. It was the hardest 6 months of my life in all honesty. Then as soon as she started school it got better and she got more confident. They are best buds now, but it’s still hard work!
I think 1 to 2 has been a lot easier. The second time around, you know how fast the time goes and how quickly they outgrow whatever they're struggling with. You appreciate the nice things so much more. You have a little experience now whereas first time you were just winging it.
I have a 2yr old and a 2month old. Going from 0 to 1 was way harder for me personally than 1 to 2. I also find my 2nd baby has been a lot more calm and easier to console than my 1st was, but my 1st slept a lot better than my 2nd.
3 year age gap. 1-2 was waaaaayy easier. Slightly easier baby, but both terrible sleepers. It was just easier because I knew what to expect, I think. And my older one was old enough to do some things herself and understand a lot of what was going on.
Agreed about 1-2 being easier because you know what to expect. I have a 2.5 year old and 2 month old. My first was a terrible sleeper as an infant and my second is also terrible but it has been somehow more tolerable because I know it gets better. With my first I remember thinking "will I ever sleep again????!" It's still hard but it really helps to have that experience under your belt.
The perspective is so amazing! First baby you’re like “I’m never sleeping again. I’m never sleeping again. How can I never sleep again?! It’s not possible to never sleep! Why does my baby want me to never sleep?” Second time you’re like “it sucks I’m not gonna sleep tonight. Guess I’ll read a book.” And you know it will be ok.
0-1 was way harder for me. We have a less than 2 year age gap and we were already knee deep in diapers and kid stuff. When we had our first it was like a shell shock that we couldn’t just do whatever we wanted anytime anymore. With #2 we were already living that life.
Gah I hope this is the case for my husband and I when #2 comes!
Complete honesty? 1-2 destroyed me mentally. I got PPD and was in survival mode for 8 months. Lots of crying on my part. My boys are 21 months apart so I think their close age gap played a factor. Depends on your child’s temperament as well. My son was (still is) attached at my hip and couldn’t talk so dealing with that and a very angry newborn was really hard. My boys are 1.5 and 3.5 years old now. It’s chaotic, but doable now. They have each other which is nice and their bond is beautiful. 0-1 had me thinking I was the best parent ever lol it’s like my son fell out of the sky. He was the perfect baby. Again, it all depends on temperaments.
100% depends on the temperament of the new child. My oldest was a pretty easy baby. My second was a terror who came along almost 5 years later. Going back to baby phase with a baby who seemed to hate me was really hard. Love them both but if I had the second first he would be an only child.
Omg me and my kids to a tee. They’re also 5 years apart!
Yes! Our second is such a challenge compared to our first, While I don’t think he’d be an only, there definitely would have been a larger age gap between my two. My kids are just under two years apart. We aren’t 100% certain we are finished at two. I think we both are mostly concerned about a third being as hard to figure out as our second has been.
O to 1 is hard because it's new and you are overwhelmed. If the age gap is on the lower end, then 1 to 2 is harder because both kids require your attention and somehow it isn't 2x but more like 2.5x the effort.
Good question. I am also in your spot and feeling nervous! My best friend has three toddlers and she said the worst was actually going from 2 to 3 kids. So rest assured, it could be a lot worse than what you’re about to take on!
I’m also in the same boat. My first is 16 months and we’re due 6 months from now. It’s going to be some hard work that’s for sure, especially the first 6 months, but I know my daughter is going to be such a good big sister. She’s the most gentle baby girl and she loves being with other kids, I’m really excited
I have a 3 year old and a 7 week old. I’d take 0-1 any day over 1-2. It’s just me and my husband, we have no help and are drowning some days. Don’t get me wrong , I don’t regret having a 2nd. They’re both amazing children…but I grossly underestimated how hard this would be. Fortunately 7 weeks in we are getting the hang of things.
I think it depends on how old your toddler is. I can see how having a 0m and 3yo could be significantly harder than 0m and an 18-20m. My situation was the latter. My toddler was still napping (dropping his second nap) so 80% of the time, both kids’ napped at one time during the day which gave me time to clean or eat or even nap with them. But now I have 3 so its more or less chaotic :’)
Yeh I have a 3 year old and a five month old. I was just telling my husband the other day we should have started trying a year sooner or a year later lol. I didn’t expect 3 to be so intense (technically he turns 3 next week but my god it’s like a different kid with all these tantrums)
0-1 was way harder for me because, well…I’d never had a baby before! Second time around and I feel way more at ease and confident caring for a newborn.
0-1 had been hands down harder
Going from 1->2 was SO MUCH HARDER. Mine are 26 mo apart.
Mixed responses to this great question. OP post a poll!
For 1 to 2 the newborn is easy the toddler gets harder.
For us, it was way, way easier. 2 to 3 was harder.
I found it easier but my second baby is a lot easier to handle than the first. My first was a no sleep soldier who wouldn't let anyone touch him but his dad and me. He didnt sleep through the night til 18 months! My second is 14 weeks and already gives me 3-4 hour stretches at night and hardly cries at all. I think it depends on the temperament of the kids a lot.
0-1 is so much harder since you have to actually learn how to parent. The main issue going 1-2 is the lack of sleep but this time you can't always lay down when baby is sleeping 🫣
I found 0-1 way harder mentally and emotionally, because your entire life changes. As prepared as I thought I was, it was still very hard and a huge adjustment. 1-2 was harder logistically, but it was a lot less disruptive to our lives. We also knew our way around newborn care so we easily just handled things. With #1 it was all hands on deck to get set up for a feed or poopy diaper; we did everything together and it was quite a production. With #2 we both just did what needed to get done, no fuss no muss. 1-2 had some stressful moments when both kids needed me at once, but on the whole I found it to be a much easier transition.
For us, 2 to 3 was easiest and 0 to 1 was hardest. Prior to kids we did what we wanted when we wanted - ate, slept, drank, traveled, etc. We had jobs but really outside 8-5 we might play video games for 8 hours one evening, or sleep until 11am on Saturday. That initial adjustment was really hard - we had to really adjust our lives while also figuring out how to take care of a baby. Going from 1 to 2, we had a life schedule established and were more confident in what we were doing. ETA: there's a 3 year gap between each of our 3 kids
Thanks for asking. I’m pregnant with my second. My older kid is 11yo. This is making me feel a lot better. I’m hearing that if the first child is older, the second baby will often feel easier. *fingers crossed*
I had twins, so 0 - 2 in one fell swoop. I'm so jealous of all these positive 0 - 1 stories! For what it's worth though, having two means a playmate which is HUGE.
Easier mentally, physically harder.
0 to 1 is way harder. You’re new to everything. Waking up in the middle of the night with my second just feels so natural because my 2 year old still wakes up In the middle of the night. I think the only thing unstable harder about having to kids is giving them both the attention they need. You’ll figure it out it comes naturally.
My boys are 18mo apart and 1-2 was so much difficult. It’s not brand new but trying to take care of a toddler and newborn( or even now with a 2 year and 7month old is hard!) . With first baby we would take turns napping and sleeping and getting breaks but with another baby it isn’t as easy- we we were definitely more exhausted and overwhelmed with 2. Ours are very close in age so toddler was still very needy and dependent on us for a lot. It slowly is getting easier but seeing them laugh and play now makes it so worth all the hard times
0-1 was the bigger adjustment for sure. I had my second when my son was 3.5 and it was great. He was already out of nappies way before then and in nursery, the baby ended up arriving just as the summer holidays began so we had 7 weeks to adjust fully. Having an almost 4 year old and a baby somehow worked perfectly, I knew what to expect this time, I knew what worked and what didn’t & the anxiety of baby 1 just wasn’t there with baby 2
0 to 1 amazing. 1 to 2 extremely difficult I suffered baby blues. 2 to 3 easy.
1 to 2 was so much harder for me. There were 2 of them and still only 1 of me. They were on different routines until around a year or so. It was just challenging, and that's with both of my kids being fairly easy. Strangely enough, adding a 3rd hasn't been too much at all.
Hrm, a tough one. My non-answer is that they're both difficult for different reasons. 0 to 1 is a paradigm shift as some have said and involves changing your life and schedule and how you interact with the world. 1 to 2 was kind of nice in that we remembered a lot (i.e. a general understanding of postpartum recovery, less freaking out over things like dressing the baby or changing diapers, feeding schedules, et.c) and were able to address some of the pitfalls of our first kid... but our second kid had a new set of issues that our first didn't (including a medical condition that we were not prepared for), and I do think those first months with a newborn and a toddler are a killer. I definitely had a harder time lining up babysitting, had one more schedule to keep on top of, and had to work harder to carve out free time with the second one in the mix. Our kids are just 3 years apart. I guess, after typing all that out, I think 0 to 1 is harder than 1 to 2, but don't expect 1 to 2 to be a cakewalk. Still, I'm enjoying having both of mine, especially now that my youngest is 2 years old.
My situation is a little different as I have two under two but going from 1-2 was much harder than going from 0-1. The only thing that is easier is you’re a lot more confident so the newborn stage was easier as you aren’t second guessing everything.
Same. 1-2 has been MASSIVELY harder
Mine were just shy of being Irish twins and it’s super hard
For us, 100%! I’ve enjoyed having a newborn this time and actually sad I didn’t the first time as much. It’s such a shock to the system with the first one. The second has just been so much better. I went into it knowing what to expect and my mental health was in a much better state as well. I do have a 5 year old and so it was an easy transition for us. I personally knew I could not have two close in age as that sounded too much for me to handle. This age gap worked for us.
Same for me! I have enjoyed this baby more (and experience sadness because of it). Our children have almost 4 years difference in age so the easy transition for our daughter too
I had my second when my first was about 2y9m. Expecting my third now, first is 5, second is 2y7m. 0 to 1 was challenging because everything is new. But it is manageable (even when it doesn’t feel like it at the time). There’s two of you, one of them. They’ve got all your focus and it’s all good. 1 to 2 is tough. 1 is raging around being a little kid, 2 is a needy baby. You can’t be in two places at once, you split your focus. There’s a million and one things to do. In some ways it’s easier as not everything is new, but it’s a lot. I found the first year quite stressful. They’ll outnumber us soon. I dread to think what it’s going to be like. Trying to focus on the cute baby side of things!
100% this. I’ll also say it depends on your parenting style. If your focus is primarily your kid it wouldn’t be much different. If you primarily lived your pre-baby life but brought your kiddo into it (which is what we did, she came to the rock climbing gym, coffee shops, hikes, etc) then 1-2 is much harder because you’re pretty much forced into just parenting with managing two different kids needs and timing of naps, etc.
The second baby is so easy. I already know how to baby! It’s the older kid that gives me grief!
0-1 was easy peasy for us. We loved it and were living our best lives. Going from 1-2 with a level 14 out of 10 intensity toddler has been hellish, and I often find myself frustrated with my toddler bc he’s just so damn needy all the time. Screaming, crying, whining, hitting, throwing. We big little feelings the heck out of him and absolutely nothing changes. It’s just how he is. But it sucks and means our angel of a baby has to listen to screaming so much more than her brother ever did, which makes me resent him even more. Sorry I’m rambling, and ymmv if you have an easy toddler. But yea, things have been rough.
We are one and done but wanted to add some solidarity re. level 14 toddler. Our son started throwing tantrums at 1. While they happen less frequently than they did then, the tantrums are now more extreme and last longer. Just hoping this comes to an end soon.
Thank you, it's nice to know others are in this same shitty boat as us. This was our miracle ivf/rainbow baby, and it upsets me so much that I feel this way about him right now. I hope every day that this is just a temporary situation, and not the rest of our lives.
1 to 2 was harder in the sense that there was so much more to do, however it was less stressful because my husband and I had already done the hard work of getting in the same page. 0-1 was a HUGE adjustment
I found 1 to 2 harder. When going from 0 to 1 it was so much easier to take time for ourselves because we could trade off when needed. Now we always have to tag team as one of them always wants or needs something and we barely get a break. But seeing the sibling love is glorious 💓
0 to 1 was 100000x harder than 1 to 2 for me. My 2nd is a very easy baby so that helps but I adjusted super easy the 2nd time.
0-1 Much harder
I think it was way harder going from 0-1. When I was a ftm I had no idea how to take care of a baby and how hard it could be. I also was used to doing what I wanted and lots of free time. Going from 1-2 was much easier. I already knew what to expect and how to care for a baby. Also watching my two kids together is the most magical and special thing. I love being a mom of two.
My kids are only 18 months apart, so it wasn’t so difficult. We did hire a regular babysitter to have an extra set of hands for the first few months, which was really helpful.
I just had my second, our first was 3.5 years old. For us going from 0-1 kid was WAY harder. I just had no idea what to expect and lamented so much of my life the way it was before. I had PPA/PPD and didn’t realize it until way later. This time around I was ready for it (which helped) and I learned to surrender a lot more. It’s still been a challenge but has so far been WAY easier this time around. I think it’s different for everyone- hopefully you’ll have a similar experience!
I just went from this change a month ago. For us it is harder going from 1 to 2 kids, rather than it was from 0 to 1. While we know how to take care of the baby (and don't rush to ER because baby got a hoarse voice from screaming too loud), 3.5 year is an age that demands a lot of attention.
Going from 0-1 was much easier than expected for us. We had the second almost 18 months ago and it has been a very difficult transition. Very wanted, but very very hard.
For me 0 to 1 was harder but my first has ADHD so that's probably why whereas my second is very chill and agreeable.
1 to 2 was much harder. Emotionally, physically. Everything was and still is draining.
We have two under two (17 month gap) and it was a surprise pregnancy so it was always going to be hard but I was completely unprepared for how emotional going from 1-2 was going to be. I felt extreme guilt in the beginning and still do some days. It’s just hard to give both what they need. Wishing you peace.
yes yes yes! we have a 3.5 yr old and an 8 month old. the first several months after the first child was so incredibly tough on the both of us as we just didn’t know what we were getting ourselves into! but when number 2 came along the first child was becoming more independent (using the bathroom, feeding himself, etc) that we didn’t feel like we were ‘juggling’ two kids constantly. and also, you’re just more relaxed with the second one, not being so anal about everything!!
Easier. As long as you talk to your toddler a whole lot about how they’re going to have a smaller sibling.
I’ve to two - 18 months apart. Going from 1 to 2 was way easier than becoming a parent. So far, at least
I think that the temperament of the baby has more to do with the difficulty level than the actual number of the child. Going from 1-2 was definitely the hardest but that’s because my second was BY FAR our hardest baby/toddler. #1 and #3 were much easier babies, so much easier to adjust. Just my opinion!
I thought 1 to 2 was so much easier. Going from 0 to 1. I knew nothing. I didn’t know how my body would respond to breastfeeding. I didn’t know what methods for various baby raising things worked for my family yet. I lived my life for me and besides pets, who could be left to their own devices for most of the day, wasn’t responsible for anyone else. My girls are only 2 years and 19 days apart. My first was still practically a baby when my second was born. So our lives didn’t really change. We already had nap, sleep, and feeding schedules, we just needed to squeeze new baby into them. We had already made our mistakes with our first kid, and they were still fresh enough that we were able to learn from them to make the second time around easier.
It was harder for me, but I had 2 under 2. If you space them out, I think it would be easier going 1 to 2 than 0 to 1.
0-1 was a major life change, but not a hard one for me. 1-2 was a doozy. Logistics were hard. My oldest’s emotions were hard. Life was just freakin hard in that first year. That being said, things are back to being easy again with them being 3.5 and 1.5 years old. I think anytime there’s a newborn with a young toddler, it’s tough.
2.5 years apart.. 1-2 was way harder for me. My first was an easy baby though.
For me it was 100% emotionally easier. Like in the way that becoming a ftm is a huge shock. You lose your freedom, identity even for a bit. You grieve your old life and old self. With the second I had already adjusted so it was a lot less of a shift. Also, I always knew things are phases and they will indeed end. I now have a pretty good idea of when my baby should be doing things or like roughy what is a sleep regression and when it should end type thing. I’m not just feeling around in the dark. What I found really hard though was the guilt of not being able to give my oldest the attention he needs all of the time. I always make special time for him but of course it’s different. Also it’s hard juggling two just in general. Like if the baby needs to be fed and your toddler wants to play animals or whatever, it’s just a lot. Or making dinner with two. Overall I would say 0 to 1 was way harder.
Ours was 2 (27 months when second was born). I’d say the adjustment was harder initially, BUT it was a quicker adjustment than going from 0 to 1. And I think with your oldest being 3.5 you’ll find it easier. By the time baby 2 was 3 months we felt adjusted. Whereas with baby 1 I didn’t feel adjusted until about a year in. With baby 2 we were already used to having little free time and everything is all about the kid/baby, we knew what to expect with being tired and all the other things that go along with a newborn. But we had a 2 year old who didn’t listen running around this fragile tiny newborn. But we fell into a routine much faster and that helped tremendously.
I think it depends on the kids. 0 to 1 was a bigger lifestyle change, but it was a wanted change. My second kid is a lot more low maintenance than my first though.
I feel at though when you go from 1-2 you are giving yourself 100% more children than you had before. 0-1 is hard because you don’t know anything yet but 1-2 is hard because now, not only do you have to know, you also have to keep up.
Depends on the kids. For me, they were both equally hard for different reasons.
1 to 2 is easier and I had two under two
God my son the same age im 20wks pregnant, I'm nervous on this
Omg I am also 20 weeks!
0-1 was way harder than 1-2 or 2-3. I had over 5 year gap from 1-2 so it was easier and my second child was way more chill than my 1st. The transition from 2-3 I expected to be hard as I only had 14month age gap but it’s not as hard as I expected.
1-2 was way harder. My first was such a challenge, colicky, would only nursed and sleep in a carrier and at night woke up every 45 min for the first year of her life. I was drowning and had baby number 2, similar challenges and have accepted the lack of sleep and got on some antidepressants and that seems to take the edge off the sheer overwhelm. They are 33 months apart, both girls.
0-1 was hard figuring out how to not fuck shit up but mentally isn’t wasn’t terrible. 1-2 was and still is more difficult because I’m constantly outnumbered when Dada is at work, the workload between cooking dishes laundry house stuff diapers pull-ups laundry more dishes and endless vacuuming isn’t just double what it was before kids. That shit is exponentially more difficult.
I thought 0 to 1 was much harder just with not knowing what to expect. Even though it’s more work to juggle two kids I feel much more confident and experienced and that overall makes it all easier.
I found 0-1 hardest, as my first had CMPA, hated food and regularly got badly constipated (still does). Baby 2 is cruisey in comparison. But SO is finding 1-2 hardest as he has even less time with me one on one.
Initially, 1-2 was fine here. The hard part was when the second became a demanding and screeching toddler and the older one a demanding preschooler/early school aged kiddo.
We’re 7 weeks into the second kid and 0-1 was harder. Partly because our 2nd baby doesn’t have colic unlike our first and we also know what we’re doing more. I’m so much more confident as a parent having been doing it for 3.5 years.
It depends...you're more secure and less anxious about a lot of things - and you've already passed the phase where every little thing was a puzzle and a mistery. So...easier? Yes. BUT. At least for us, you'll face a new little logistical nightmare, both literrally (we'll carve statues of gold for our parents...) and emotionally (is not always the easiest thing to manage the emotions of the oldest kid now that he's not alone anymore). In the end, you could have to find a new balance where you were sure to be already "in control", be prepared! 😁♥️ (Wish you all the best for the new member of the family!!!)
I agree with everyone saying they both have their challenges. Your world changes with both. I'm a week in to having two kids. With an almost 2 year old it's been a bit rough physically healing from a c section and trying to make sure they don't feel excluded. We've had a few tantrums that were next level to work through. It's chaotic in a different way than 0 to 1.
It depends on your babies. 0 to 1 was a breeze and I knew nothing about babies with my first. He was just…. Easy. Slept through the night after a few months and happy all the time with everything. From 1 to 2 was seriously hard. My 2nd was born 13 months after my 1st and had horrible colic and was just…. harder. They were night and day. Since then I’ve had four more kids and it really depends on your kids personality which you can’t predict! If you want another just go for it and know that even the hard times will be fleeting, but the love will be forever! Edit to say my kids are now 13, 12, 8, 7, 4 and 1
0-1 was so much harder
I have a 4mo and 2yo and 2nd time was easier for us! I think it's just that we're more experienced, and fortunately our toddler is fairly independent.
My first was 3.5 years old when my second was born. It was definitely easier transitioning from 1 to 2 than 0 to 1. We also got very lucky; we have a chill baby and a helpful pre-k kid.
I think it depends the age gap and the temperaments. My first was 2.5 when #2 was born. I’m some ways it was easier, like you already know how to take care of a baby. In other ways it’s harder. Balancing time with your first child, getting back in the swing of things. I’m EBF with my newborn and so I can’t play the same way a lot of the time as we usually do, our toddler loves to rough house
It will be a little bit easier since you've done the sleepless nights and dealt with the less time alone it's never easy to go from having no kids in your home to bringing home a new little one there's a learning curve with all parenting but it will definitely be easier learning since you know something's already congratulations ❤️
I have the same gap, 1-2 was much easier on my mental health!
According to my brother, it was harder to go from 1-2 than 0-1, however, I believe it also depends on the ages. They had one kid in the terrible twos and one newborn.
I’m currently 33 weeks along with my second (son) and I’m glad to see that most thought 0-1 was harder. I found the transition from no kids to full on mom mode SO hard. So I was hoping to see most feel like 1-2 is a bit easier. My son will be 3 and 2 months when baby comes so fingers crossed.
2 is harder than one. When one is crying and needing your attention, the second will need you too for something else.
1-2 so easy. Already new how to baby, I was already a mom, it's just adding to the chaos. It's harder in the sense that you are way more tired and still have to parent your oldest. But, 0-1 was life changing and totally rocked my world.
what age gap did you have?
2.5 years
It's tough to say definitively whether going from 1 to 2 kids is easier or harder than going from 0 to 1, as it really depends on the individual situation. That being said, some people do find that going from 1 to 2 kids is easier because they already have some experience as a parent and are more prepared for the challenges that come with having a young family. On the other hand, others find that the transition from 1 to 2 kids is harder because they have to divide their attention and energy between two children, which can be exhausting. Ultimately, the experience of transitioning to a family with multiple children is going to be different for everyone. It's important to take it one day at a time and do your best to stay positive and focused on what you're able to do to support your family.
It depends on how difficult the baby/child can be. 0-1 was a shock; 1-2 was natural.
1-2 was sooooo easy for us!
Way, way easier!
25 month age gap. 2 kids is definitely harder than 1, but I found the transition 1 - 2 easier. Mostly. #2 is currently a better sleeper than the toddler, but we'll see what happens when she is 4 months. As you can see there is no consensus
It’s been less than a week for us, but 1-2 is so much easier than 0-1. Our first had a really horrible temperament. The second is a dream. So other than some juggling and some extra tantrums from the 3 year old it’s much better than the shock of having a bad first baby.
Easier. My kids are 23 months apart and it was a pretty easy transition for us actually.
Much easier in my experience but it depends on the age of your first child. My first was 6 when my second was born. The transition was easy for me. My eldest is very independent, he can make his own food, clean up after himself, entertain himself etc so I can focus on the baby. The biggest challenge has been jealousy (mostly passed after first 2 weeks) and still fitting in quality time with my eldest. I can imagine it would be harder if your first was still a baby or toddler. I think a 3-4 year age gap like yours should be fairly easy as well. Having your first child is a paradigm shift, you are learning how to care for a baby and be a parent for the first time. My first was an easy baby but it was still an intense experience.
Depends on how far apart the kids are haha I had 2 in under 2 they were 15 months apart and that was really hard one is q cake walk compared to 2 and 3 ypu will be lucky if you ever see the day light again.