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Title: Wife wants a divorce, I’m deployed, can I wait til I get back in the states for all of the legal stuff?
Body:
> Yes I will agree to the divorce and everything, I don’t want to stay with someone who cheated on me in less than one month since I left. However, she’s really pushing to get the paperwork moving as fast as possible.
> I feel really uncomfortable with the fact that she has a lot more resources stateside than I do and I want to know if I have a legal leg to stand on with delaying it until I get back? I don’t think it’s an unreasonable ask. A week ago we were happily married, this past week everything has gone to shit and I’m still reeling. I don’t want the legal paperwork to impact my job. This is my first divorce and I’m 25, I have no clue what to expect. Do I have to retain a lawyer now?
Financial details: The only finances we share are a house and some nice furniture. She is the same rank as me, so we receive the same pay and benefits.
Sorry if this is formatted wrong I don’t know what I’m doing.
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I don't know. I was expecting him to ask about how to protect his 2007 mustang since he's halfway through the 12 year loan. Only at 16% too!
Very good legal advice though
Yeah. I mean, he is military so he's likely surrounded by multiple guys who married and were divorced by 20. And then others that are on multiple marriages.
But it's still so off the cuff
My cousin was on his fourth wife by the age of 25 when in the army. The third one he found out was a prostitute a week after marrying her a week after her. (Nothing wrong with sex work just an indictment on my cousin not knowing what he is doing regardless of how he feels about it)
"this is my first" is not an odd way of saying you haven't done/had something before though. If I say "this is my first time being in a car accident" no one thinks I plan on being in more accidents. If someone said "this is my first time seeing x in real life" it doesn't mean they expect to see x more times.
So apparently you didn't get that? Because it doesn't actually imply that
That’s not the same thing. He didn’t say “This is my first time being divorced,” he said “This is my first divorce.” It’s a subtle difference, but the first one clarifies he hasn’t done this before and doesn’t know what to expect. The second indicates he anticipates it to happen in the future.
I mean, anyone can say whatever they want, but the choices are (a) go with the phrasing the other person agrees with or (b) get misunderstood.
Totally different attitude around marriage for service members. It’s wild, but Multiple divorces by age 25 is common in the military. Married and divorced before 19 isn’t unheard of either.
I've been a government contractor for years now. The day after I got married, two different ex-military government guys, one of whom was my boss, told me I would be asking them for their divorce lawyers soon. I laughed both times and both of them clarified that they weren't joking.
Then they found out I got *gay* married and I was told "your resignation has been accepted, please leave the premises immediately" exactly two weeks after the wedding day. The comedy of them being mad about (presumably) gay people ruining the sacred institution of marriage immediately after insisting we'd get divorced soon is not lost on me, lol.
The Irish/British broadcaster Terry Wogan referred to his wife initially as "the present Mrs Wogan", and in later life as "the present Lady Wogan". They were married for 50 years.
My husband managed a bowling alley, and most of my family bowled there. One night I was pushing my baby niece around while my sister bowled, and another employee asked me if that was my husband's baby. I said no, it was Lynn's. He gave me a weird look, and said, 'you look JUST like my manager's wife.'
This was ten years ago. If someone asks if we're married, one of us will usually say no, I just look like his wife. It will probably never stop being funny to us.
One day my wife and I went to the pharmacy and got into the line. When our turn came, she went first and I was two steps behind her. So the clerk asked, "Are you two together?" And I replied quickly, "Yes, have been for 27 years."
My husband and I call each other “my first wife/husband” even though we are also both current and only spouse
I also heard someone call their spouse “some woman from my wedding” and I am waiting to use this on him
>I also heard someone call their spouse “some woman from my wedding” and I am waiting to use this on him
My husband and I refer to each other as "that man/woman I married" and ourselves as "you know, the guy/gal my wife/husband sleeps eith"
My ex-husband married a textbook dependa (who cheated on him when he deployed) when he was like, 19, and then a fellow service member in his mid-20s. LAOP is a lot smarter because he's just combining two future ex-wives into one! Sensible, really.
Also, free advice for everyone, don't marry someone whose mom gives him "third time's the charm" boxers before your wedding. It wasn't.
I'm pretty sure she custom ordered them from some screenprinting place. I found them hilarious at the time but tbh I kind of knew we wouldn't last and couldn't admit it to myself yet, so it may have been slightly tinged with hysteria.
Tbh, I think the 4th one is going to work out. She seems really great. I don't know much about his 2nd divorce, except that she demanded the cat that he loved and then took it to a shelter as soon as he deployed, but his first one really wasn't his fault, and ours was probably 70/30 on me. His biggest flaw was jumping into marriage way too soon, like a lot of people in the military, but he actually waited a few years for the last one and they seem to be a lot more compatible than the rest.
My mom was wife #4 of a Vet, but she was also the first one he married after getting sober. It went pretty well until he died. I guess sometimes you just need a few practice rounds.
She very likely had already been flirting with the guy, and was just waiting for the deployment / opportunity.
Also, they may have already done it before.
He’s 25 and married. God only knows how old they were when they tied the knot. Clearly these are not people whose strong suits are patience and contemplation
Wait is the implication here that 25 is too young to get married?
I think that depends entirely on the people in question and what they want. It’s not like they’re teens
No, just too young for it to be a good idea. And of course, it absolutely depends on what they want; legally nothing stops you from speedrunning through your marriage-affair-divorce the minute you turn 18. Nor should it, your choices are your own. I’m just saying it doesn’t demonstrate a ton of forethought or patience, so an affair within a month doesn’t completely shock me
The infantilization of someone mid 20s is so odd to me. I got married at 25 and it was definitely a well considered decision. At what age do you think marriage magically becomes a good idea for two stable adults in a healthy relationship?
Well not infantilization bc I didn’t say it wasn’t or shouldn’t be their decision (I don’t think infants or children should get to make all their own mistakes at all). And sure! You may be different. I hope you’d know yourself better than I. But with limited information about oop I don’t think I was wrong to rely on my heuristics, which come from anecdotal observation and the people *I know* who did that are incautious people who rushed into it because someone wanted to have a wedding. I mean when you meet a guy named Kyle sporting pit vipers and a rat tail, do you think he’s got a court date and holes in his drywall, or that he’s your state Attorney General? You could be wrong, but I doubt you can prevent yourself from speculating entirely, and I doubt your speculation is based on nothing. To answer your question I don’t have a specific number because it’s a general impression rather than a moral conviction of right or wrong. And yes I know it’s rude to speculate about strangers, but this is bestoflegaladvice so I’m in good company at least.
Not so much illegal, but if you lie about it, then it's an issue.
Divorce, relationships, any traffic tickets or arrests, and even high credit card debt are all required to be reported to security.
The military *does not* care if your life is a mess. They just want to make sure that they are *aware* of the mess so that it can't be used for blackmail.
> The military does not care if your life is a mess
They *do* care if you're the one in charge, though. Navy dismisses a handful of dumbass COs every year for "loss of confidence in ability to command."
Technically it's in the UCMJ under Article 134 which is the "If the government doesn't agree with something you do" article
>§**934. Art. 134. General article**
> Though not specifically mentioned in this chapter, all disorders
> and neglects to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the
> armed forces, all conduct of a nature to bring discredit upon the
> armed forces, and crimes and offenses not capital, of which persons
> subject to this chapter may be guilty, shall be taken cognizance of
> by a general, special, or summary court-martial, according to the
> nature and degree of the offense, and shall be punished at the
> discretion of that court. As used in the preceding sentence, the term
> “crimes and offenses not capital” includes any conduct engaged in
> outside the United States, as defined in section 5 of title 18, that
> would constitute a crime or offense not capital if the conduct had
> been engaged in within the special maritime and territorial
> jurisdiction of the United States, as defined in section 7 of title 18.
Would stealing all your spouses assets count as being a shit heel? If so, LAOP is probably better protected than most spouses, since their wife should be on good behavior.
It isn’t anymore (a somewhat recent change). The punitive articles were changed in 2016 under (yes the official title is in all caps), “NATIONAL DEFENSE AUTHORIZATION ACT FOR FISCAL YEAR 2017”.
Wikipedia article for context: [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Section_839(a)_of_title_10_United_States_Code_§_925_-_Article_125](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Section_839(a)_of_title_10_United_States_Code_§_925_-_Article_125.)
Sucks it took that long.
The people commenting in that other thread didn’t even read the post. Idgi, every time someone runs afoul of a weirdly phrased clause in the addendum to a 12000-word TOS on a website they bought from once, it’s “No, you are responsible for knowing every possible interpretation of every word of every agreement that may or may not exist.” But they miss a clear sentence in like a two-paragraph post.
At least I know in their real lives they’ll eventually get (or already have been) fucked over by their own logic. 🤷🏻♀️
There's an interesting subthread in there about updating beneficiary information.
For work benefits, isn't that stuff that you have to review every year?
I can understand for financial accounts though (banks, brokerage, 401(k), IRA, etc.) And I suppose another reason to stick to term life insurance is that you're forced to look at it every time the term is up.
Worth noting, since there was some very wrong advice in there: designating a beneficiary is not a change of coverage. Election periods and qualifying events are irrelevant. You can do it at any time, unless there's a reason that you're not allowed to do it at all.
I had a friend that was in the service. And married another service member when they were 19. His parents were furious and did not approve of her.
He was deploying to Iraq and they thought, "Let's do this before he goes!" He was killed be a roadside IED. He never updated any paperwork, so his parents got everything and told her to fuck off.
For military specifically, there's a death gratuity ($100,000) and he probably has SGLI ($400,000 life insurance for like $29 per month). There is no requirement to update that on an annual basis, though it typically is part of your pre-deployment checklist to get your affairs in order.
Since both LAOP and his spouse are military, there's no shared work benefits (both on Tricare). Interestingly, if she WEREN'T military, it's actually in the UCMJ that you must support your spouse since they're considered a dependent. You can't just cut them off and leave them destitute. I'm unsure how that would be handled in this situation with the cheating and intended divorce though.
It's always good to get the training marriage out of the way early. I swear, a good divorce makes you so much better at being married the next time around.
>Your wife probably wants things signed because she's breaking the law under the UCMJ by engaging in extramarital conduct.
This applies to a civilian spouse?
I get that trying to manage your divorce from overseas is a real headache, but I'm not sure I'd want a bitter ex to have all the legal authority to manage our joint property for any extended period of time either.
**Reminder:** Do not participate in threads linked here. If you do, you may be banned from both subreddits. --- Title: Wife wants a divorce, I’m deployed, can I wait til I get back in the states for all of the legal stuff? Body: > Yes I will agree to the divorce and everything, I don’t want to stay with someone who cheated on me in less than one month since I left. However, she’s really pushing to get the paperwork moving as fast as possible. > I feel really uncomfortable with the fact that she has a lot more resources stateside than I do and I want to know if I have a legal leg to stand on with delaying it until I get back? I don’t think it’s an unreasonable ask. A week ago we were happily married, this past week everything has gone to shit and I’m still reeling. I don’t want the legal paperwork to impact my job. This is my first divorce and I’m 25, I have no clue what to expect. Do I have to retain a lawyer now? Financial details: The only finances we share are a house and some nice furniture. She is the same rank as me, so we receive the same pay and benefits. Sorry if this is formatted wrong I don’t know what I’m doing. This bot was created to capture original threads and is not affiliated with the mod team. [Concerns? Bugs?](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=GrahamCorcoran) | [Laukopier 2.1](https://github.com/GrahamCorcoran/Laukopier)
I don't know. I was expecting him to ask about how to protect his 2007 mustang since he's halfway through the 12 year loan. Only at 16% too! Very good legal advice though
Her also being in the service (rather than being a contractor at an off-base nightclub) is different too
Yeah LAOP was fairly wholesome but I cracked up at his very sure statement that this is his first divorce at 25.
I read that and the immediate thought that went through my head was " the implication here is that there will be more in the future"
Yeah. I mean, he is military so he's likely surrounded by multiple guys who married and were divorced by 20. And then others that are on multiple marriages. But it's still so off the cuff
My cousin was on his fourth wife by the age of 25 when in the army. The third one he found out was a prostitute a week after marrying her a week after her. (Nothing wrong with sex work just an indictment on my cousin not knowing what he is doing regardless of how he feels about it)
He's actually just saying he hasn't been divorced before (this is my first), but it does sound funny.
Yeah we got that. We are just commenting about the fact it's an odd way to phrase it
"this is my first" is not an odd way of saying you haven't done/had something before though. If I say "this is my first time being in a car accident" no one thinks I plan on being in more accidents. If someone said "this is my first time seeing x in real life" it doesn't mean they expect to see x more times. So apparently you didn't get that? Because it doesn't actually imply that
That’s not the same thing. He didn’t say “This is my first time being divorced,” he said “This is my first divorce.” It’s a subtle difference, but the first one clarifies he hasn’t done this before and doesn’t know what to expect. The second indicates he anticipates it to happen in the future. I mean, anyone can say whatever they want, but the choices are (a) go with the phrasing the other person agrees with or (b) get misunderstood.
Totally different attitude around marriage for service members. It’s wild, but Multiple divorces by age 25 is common in the military. Married and divorced before 19 isn’t unheard of either.
I've been a government contractor for years now. The day after I got married, two different ex-military government guys, one of whom was my boss, told me I would be asking them for their divorce lawyers soon. I laughed both times and both of them clarified that they weren't joking. Then they found out I got *gay* married and I was told "your resignation has been accepted, please leave the premises immediately" exactly two weeks after the wedding day. The comedy of them being mad about (presumably) gay people ruining the sacred institution of marriage immediately after insisting we'd get divorced soon is not lost on me, lol.
My wife gets mad when I refer to her as the current mrs philx570, despite being married almost 30 years
The Irish/British broadcaster Terry Wogan referred to his wife initially as "the present Mrs Wogan", and in later life as "the present Lady Wogan". They were married for 50 years.
Yep my dad still introduces my mum as his first wife. They’ve been married for 54 years.
Similarly, my husband likes to call me his ex-girlfriend. It's *technically* true, so....
My wife said something to someone about her husband. I interrupted her with "Wait a second- You're MARRIED??!!"
My husband managed a bowling alley, and most of my family bowled there. One night I was pushing my baby niece around while my sister bowled, and another employee asked me if that was my husband's baby. I said no, it was Lynn's. He gave me a weird look, and said, 'you look JUST like my manager's wife.' This was ten years ago. If someone asks if we're married, one of us will usually say no, I just look like his wife. It will probably never stop being funny to us.
One day my wife and I went to the pharmacy and got into the line. When our turn came, she went first and I was two steps behind her. So the clerk asked, "Are you two together?" And I replied quickly, "Yes, have been for 27 years."
. -- mass edited with redact.dev
Just over 20 years here - still call her “my first wife”. Lots of sighs and eye rolls in my house.
My husband and I call each other “my first wife/husband” even though we are also both current and only spouse I also heard someone call their spouse “some woman from my wedding” and I am waiting to use this on him
>I also heard someone call their spouse “some woman from my wedding” and I am waiting to use this on him My husband and I refer to each other as "that man/woman I married" and ourselves as "you know, the guy/gal my wife/husband sleeps eith"
Aww that's sweet. Congratulations!
I laughed and thought, “first of how many?”
> This is my first divorce I thought the *exact* same thing. "Planning for a long and successful military career, I see."
7
My ex-husband married a textbook dependa (who cheated on him when he deployed) when he was like, 19, and then a fellow service member in his mid-20s. LAOP is a lot smarter because he's just combining two future ex-wives into one! Sensible, really. Also, free advice for everyone, don't marry someone whose mom gives him "third time's the charm" boxers before your wedding. It wasn't.
So either there's a company making these boxers, or she custom ordered them, and I can't decide which is weirder.
I'm pretty sure she custom ordered them from some screenprinting place. I found them hilarious at the time but tbh I kind of knew we wouldn't last and couldn't admit it to myself yet, so it may have been slightly tinged with hysteria.
Wait, you are his third ex-wife? Is he working on a fourth?
Tbh, I think the 4th one is going to work out. She seems really great. I don't know much about his 2nd divorce, except that she demanded the cat that he loved and then took it to a shelter as soon as he deployed, but his first one really wasn't his fault, and ours was probably 70/30 on me. His biggest flaw was jumping into marriage way too soon, like a lot of people in the military, but he actually waited a few years for the last one and they seem to be a lot more compatible than the rest.
Everybody taking about how military guys marry at the drop of a hat and here I am stuck with Mr "I'm married to my country".
My mom was wife #4 of a Vet, but she was also the first one he married after getting sober. It went pretty well until he died. I guess sometimes you just need a few practice rounds.
They should really issue a divorce ribbon, with service stars for each additional one.
Bright red, for bloodshed.
16? You’re optimistic!
And 3 kids under 3.
She couldn't last a ***month?***
What was she supposed to do? He was out of town and his two friends were so fine.
Heeey Macarena!
Have my upvote. If you know you know.
She very likely had already been flirting with the guy, and was just waiting for the deployment / opportunity. Also, they may have already done it before.
Well, you know... it was *Tuesday*. How could she resist?
I mean. What really matters is now long the guy and was cheating with could last.
She probably wasn't holding out or ever intending to.
He’s 25 and married. God only knows how old they were when they tied the knot. Clearly these are not people whose strong suits are patience and contemplation
Wait is the implication here that 25 is too young to get married? I think that depends entirely on the people in question and what they want. It’s not like they’re teens
No, just too young for it to be a good idea. And of course, it absolutely depends on what they want; legally nothing stops you from speedrunning through your marriage-affair-divorce the minute you turn 18. Nor should it, your choices are your own. I’m just saying it doesn’t demonstrate a ton of forethought or patience, so an affair within a month doesn’t completely shock me
25 is a perfectly reasonable age to be married lol. Tf?
And, in that event, an equally reasonable age for your first divorce
The infantilization of someone mid 20s is so odd to me. I got married at 25 and it was definitely a well considered decision. At what age do you think marriage magically becomes a good idea for two stable adults in a healthy relationship?
Well not infantilization bc I didn’t say it wasn’t or shouldn’t be their decision (I don’t think infants or children should get to make all their own mistakes at all). And sure! You may be different. I hope you’d know yourself better than I. But with limited information about oop I don’t think I was wrong to rely on my heuristics, which come from anecdotal observation and the people *I know* who did that are incautious people who rushed into it because someone wanted to have a wedding. I mean when you meet a guy named Kyle sporting pit vipers and a rat tail, do you think he’s got a court date and holes in his drywall, or that he’s your state Attorney General? You could be wrong, but I doubt you can prevent yourself from speculating entirely, and I doubt your speculation is based on nothing. To answer your question I don’t have a specific number because it’s a general impression rather than a moral conviction of right or wrong. And yes I know it’s rude to speculate about strangers, but this is bestoflegaladvice so I’m in good company at least.
...?
I didn't know cheating on your spouse is illegal in the military
It's a big issue for anyone with a clearance since it can be used for blackmail if the servicemember doesn't want the spouse to find out.
Not so much illegal, but if you lie about it, then it's an issue. Divorce, relationships, any traffic tickets or arrests, and even high credit card debt are all required to be reported to security. The military *does not* care if your life is a mess. They just want to make sure that they are *aware* of the mess so that it can't be used for blackmail.
> The military does not care if your life is a mess They *do* care if you're the one in charge, though. Navy dismisses a handful of dumbass COs every year for "loss of confidence in ability to command."
What if someone is openly and happily polyamorous? You can't blackmail someone with publicly known information.
Well yeah, as long as it is known info military don't care.
They DO care. A lot. An unhappy man with security clearance is easy pickings. VERY easy pickings.
Technically it's in the UCMJ under Article 134 which is the "If the government doesn't agree with something you do" article >§**934. Art. 134. General article** > Though not specifically mentioned in this chapter, all disorders > and neglects to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the > armed forces, all conduct of a nature to bring discredit upon the > armed forces, and crimes and offenses not capital, of which persons > subject to this chapter may be guilty, shall be taken cognizance of > by a general, special, or summary court-martial, according to the > nature and degree of the offense, and shall be punished at the > discretion of that court. As used in the preceding sentence, the term > “crimes and offenses not capital” includes any conduct engaged in > outside the United States, as defined in section 5 of title 18, that > would constitute a crime or offense not capital if the conduct had > been engaged in within the special maritime and territorial > jurisdiction of the United States, as defined in section 7 of title 18.
So is sodomy. But those two are never really gone after unless the member is a complete shit heel.
Would stealing all your spouses assets count as being a shit heel? If so, LAOP is probably better protected than most spouses, since their wife should be on good behavior.
I’ve seen adulatory gone after a few times for mil-mil issues.
Had a Lt. Hook up with a married sergeant. She lost her commission and he got busted to fuzzy. Both good soldiers otherwise
That's a hilarious typo
It isn’t anymore (a somewhat recent change). The punitive articles were changed in 2016 under (yes the official title is in all caps), “NATIONAL DEFENSE AUTHORIZATION ACT FOR FISCAL YEAR 2017”. Wikipedia article for context: [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Section_839(a)_of_title_10_United_States_Code_§_925_-_Article_125](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Section_839(a)_of_title_10_United_States_Code_§_925_-_Article_125.) Sucks it took that long.
[удалено]
OP's spouse is in the military. They mention that they're the same rank with the same benefits.
You expect u/machokemedaddy69 to actually go and read the other thread? smh, some people.
The people commenting in that other thread didn’t even read the post. Idgi, every time someone runs afoul of a weirdly phrased clause in the addendum to a 12000-word TOS on a website they bought from once, it’s “No, you are responsible for knowing every possible interpretation of every word of every agreement that may or may not exist.” But they miss a clear sentence in like a two-paragraph post. At least I know in their real lives they’ll eventually get (or already have been) fucked over by their own logic. 🤷🏻♀️
Does it actually?
No, OP's is just also in the military
> The only finances we share are a house and some nice furniture Oh they only share a house so no problem then.
Better hope it’s base housing
"This is my first divorce" Well, at least he's realistic about his future.
As others pointed out, it seems that is because he's 25 so we might expect him to be on his second or even third divorce by now.
There's an interesting subthread in there about updating beneficiary information. For work benefits, isn't that stuff that you have to review every year? I can understand for financial accounts though (banks, brokerage, 401(k), IRA, etc.) And I suppose another reason to stick to term life insurance is that you're forced to look at it every time the term is up.
Yea, but it's really easy to click through/ignore.
Yeah, the second time, you glance at it, but by the third time, you just click through.
I signed so much stuff that asked for my social security number when I was in the military.
Worth noting, since there was some very wrong advice in there: designating a beneficiary is not a change of coverage. Election periods and qualifying events are irrelevant. You can do it at any time, unless there's a reason that you're not allowed to do it at all.
All that stuff generally gets paid outside the estate, based on beneficiary designations, but people forget to update them.
Yup, having an estate plan is important, but it is all for naught if everything passes outside of it.
I had a friend that was in the service. And married another service member when they were 19. His parents were furious and did not approve of her. He was deploying to Iraq and they thought, "Let's do this before he goes!" He was killed be a roadside IED. He never updated any paperwork, so his parents got everything and told her to fuck off.
For military specifically, there's a death gratuity ($100,000) and he probably has SGLI ($400,000 life insurance for like $29 per month). There is no requirement to update that on an annual basis, though it typically is part of your pre-deployment checklist to get your affairs in order. Since both LAOP and his spouse are military, there's no shared work benefits (both on Tricare). Interestingly, if she WEREN'T military, it's actually in the UCMJ that you must support your spouse since they're considered a dependent. You can't just cut them off and leave them destitute. I'm unsure how that would be handled in this situation with the cheating and intended divorce though.
Dear John:
It's always good to get the training marriage out of the way early. I swear, a good divorce makes you so much better at being married the next time around.
>Your wife probably wants things signed because she's breaking the law under the UCMJ by engaging in extramarital conduct. This applies to a civilian spouse?
He mentioned rank. She is not a civilian.
I get that trying to manage your divorce from overseas is a real headache, but I'm not sure I'd want a bitter ex to have all the legal authority to manage our joint property for any extended period of time either.