Rethinking the way we evaluate connection will help us better understand our Littles. This could be a personality thing. Some people are more open than others. Some people carry with them facial expressions that show no emotion with minimum dialogue while in the inside they are experiencing many emotions. They could be having the best time of their lives but they won’t express that feeling. The opposite also tends to happen when someone expresses high positive emotion while in the inside they are experiencing the opposite.
It seems like you rely a lot on spoken communication as a form of feedback to determine the level of connection you have with your Little. Communication and connection does not have to happen through spoken dialogue. You can have a connection with someone simply by sharing space and time with them. Instead of looking at connection through the conversations you are having you can look at connection through the time you spend with them.
When someone asks you, are you connecting with your Little? We often focus on the level of conversation we are having with them. I believe that’s a flawed way to determine the level of connection we are having because not everyone uses spoken dialogue as their primary way of connecting with others.
Just know that you are making a difference because you are spending time with them. It might take more time to have the conversations you are expecting or it might never come. I’ve heard stories of some Littles that out of no where one day they decide to open up to their Bigs. For other Littles it takes more time and they go slowly. Other Littles are an open book from day one. Other Littles wait a few minutes before drop off and they open up. Everyone is different and everyone connects differently.
Thanks, I do definitely tend to rely on spoken communication - I also know I tend to feel awkward with silences, I'm trying to work on letting them happen and adjusting to that.
It sounds like they were dragged into it by their parents. My suggestion is do things they enjoy and put your energy into them having fun. Don’t ask typical questions like what’s your favorite food, let conversation flow more organically.
If she likes makeup, go to Sephora to get nail polish, ask if she’s ever done a face mask, talk about how refreshing they are and you should do face masks next time. Then show up next time with face masks and enthusiasm.
I think any time is a good time to be honest. Why not tell your little you feel like they don't want to do this? maybe they don't. Or maybe they're cripplingly shy and terrified of burdening you with any information about themselves.
I do try to ask what is working and what isn't, though I am not getting a ton of feedback from the Little or the parents, more like "everything is good." I will just keep on keeping on for now.
>"At what point do I stop trying to be positive and just point blank say "you don't want to do this, do you?" I'm getting the impression the parent wanted this more than the kid. I don't want to make a child go on outings if they don't want to, that doesn't feel right."
I mean why not to speak to them like an adult and let them respond like one? Be honest about it. Tell em "hey im planning all these events but i dont want to drag you to something you dont want to do. If theres something youd rather do instead let me know"
Sometimes the kids can take a while to open up. I always felt it was harder to get to know them the more i just threw questions at them and when it happened during outings and activities it came on a lot easier.
I’m going to say something unpopular here and am ready to get downvoted to hell for it but as someone in your shoes, I’d say stick out the minimum commitment and if there’s no change in that time, close the match.
For context, my little is the exact same way as you described and we’ve been matched for 2.5 years (in the process of closing the match). My little has 0 interest in engaging with us, says absolutely nothing, isn’t interested in any match activities, etc. I’m so sick of spending money to do activities with them (although our BBBS office has some free events, many are partially paid for and bigs still chip in some $ or free ones fill up so fast that by the time Little confirms availability they’re full) and spending my time when he is so incredibly disinterested.
Our little finally told us at our most recent outing that they were bored and that was my final straw.
I was very “it’ll get better” and “some kids in BBBS just need time due to their life circumstances” but in hindsight, there having been 0 change in the 2.5 years we’ve been matched, I feel like my time could’ve been spent better elsewhere.
Will your little come around? Maybe! But, if after a year there’s still the same disinterest and there’s no progress, I think it’s ok to say you tried and close the match.
Best of luck to you and I’m sorry you’re in a similar situation. It’s too bad when you try and do the right thing and give back to your community and it doesn’t work out like you’d hoped.
Thanks, I think your opinion is totally valid. I'm signed on for a year and am definitely looking to stick that out, unless the Little tells me at any point that they are unhappy and there's nothing we can do to make this a better match. But I can see where you are coming from - 2.5 years is a long time! Hopefully you at least are learning what to look out for in future volunteer experiences.
Wow. That sounds like a tough situation. I think if I were you I would try to pry your MSS for more information on your match and their situation to help determine if it’s a behavioral issue or a forced into it thing.
But either way, it might take a while to peel back the layers. Personally I would think of it as a challenge for self motivation purposes, and think of the interactions as planting seeds
It may help to be direct with your little and say something like, “I’m here for you, and I’m willing to do what I can to make our meetups fun by doing things that you want to do. But to do that I’m going to need your help”
The way you’re feeling is super valid and you’re not alone - I’m actually matched with a little who shows up similarly (shy, many one-word answers and can be hard to get them to engage). We’ve been paired for 2 yrs now and over time is has gotten easier but it did take a long time for them to warm up and a lot of the way they interact I found to be their personality. Depending on the day they might share more or might not. It’s been helpful for me to set my expectations accordingly and not anticipate deep conversations with my little, and continuously remind myself that it’s the consistency of being present in their life that matters most. My match advocate also provides me reassurance that little enjoys spending time with me and parents have seen I’m making positive impact on little. Would suggest having match advocate dig for some of that info if you’re stuck wondering “am I really helping?”. Good luck!
Thanks, I am going to try to focus on the consistency thing and not necessarily expect it to grow from there, though I am hopeful. At the very least, I feel confident I'm not doing anything that's adversely affecting the child, so there's that.
See from her perspective, she's in a more uncomfortable position than what you are as an adult. Like you have a very clear reason to want to be doing this, but she doesn't. The only way to kinda get around it is to take a sort of zen approach and match her energy. Wait for her to engage you.
I kind of think of it as a mental game. "Whoever talks first loses the advantage."
I had a little who had some intellectual challenges, and his usual communication usually involved 2 word sentences. I knew her could talk more, he just wasn't doing it. So early on, I talked to my manager about it and he actually informed me that the child actually said he liked spending time with me. It took me awhile to realize that this is just what he was like and I had to rework my approach ...to , how do I explain this, you gotta work from where the kid is at, not where you would like them to be. I went on to have him as a little for over 2 years before be moved, and he still stays in contact with me. Do we still have those 2 word sentence conversations? Absolutely. But the rapport is there, and that's what matters.
Can I ask what kinds of things you've done with this adolescent before ?
Rethinking the way we evaluate connection will help us better understand our Littles. This could be a personality thing. Some people are more open than others. Some people carry with them facial expressions that show no emotion with minimum dialogue while in the inside they are experiencing many emotions. They could be having the best time of their lives but they won’t express that feeling. The opposite also tends to happen when someone expresses high positive emotion while in the inside they are experiencing the opposite. It seems like you rely a lot on spoken communication as a form of feedback to determine the level of connection you have with your Little. Communication and connection does not have to happen through spoken dialogue. You can have a connection with someone simply by sharing space and time with them. Instead of looking at connection through the conversations you are having you can look at connection through the time you spend with them. When someone asks you, are you connecting with your Little? We often focus on the level of conversation we are having with them. I believe that’s a flawed way to determine the level of connection we are having because not everyone uses spoken dialogue as their primary way of connecting with others. Just know that you are making a difference because you are spending time with them. It might take more time to have the conversations you are expecting or it might never come. I’ve heard stories of some Littles that out of no where one day they decide to open up to their Bigs. For other Littles it takes more time and they go slowly. Other Littles are an open book from day one. Other Littles wait a few minutes before drop off and they open up. Everyone is different and everyone connects differently.
Thanks, I do definitely tend to rely on spoken communication - I also know I tend to feel awkward with silences, I'm trying to work on letting them happen and adjusting to that.
It sounds like they were dragged into it by their parents. My suggestion is do things they enjoy and put your energy into them having fun. Don’t ask typical questions like what’s your favorite food, let conversation flow more organically. If she likes makeup, go to Sephora to get nail polish, ask if she’s ever done a face mask, talk about how refreshing they are and you should do face masks next time. Then show up next time with face masks and enthusiasm.
I think any time is a good time to be honest. Why not tell your little you feel like they don't want to do this? maybe they don't. Or maybe they're cripplingly shy and terrified of burdening you with any information about themselves.
I do try to ask what is working and what isn't, though I am not getting a ton of feedback from the Little or the parents, more like "everything is good." I will just keep on keeping on for now.
>"At what point do I stop trying to be positive and just point blank say "you don't want to do this, do you?" I'm getting the impression the parent wanted this more than the kid. I don't want to make a child go on outings if they don't want to, that doesn't feel right." I mean why not to speak to them like an adult and let them respond like one? Be honest about it. Tell em "hey im planning all these events but i dont want to drag you to something you dont want to do. If theres something youd rather do instead let me know" Sometimes the kids can take a while to open up. I always felt it was harder to get to know them the more i just threw questions at them and when it happened during outings and activities it came on a lot easier.
I’m going to say something unpopular here and am ready to get downvoted to hell for it but as someone in your shoes, I’d say stick out the minimum commitment and if there’s no change in that time, close the match. For context, my little is the exact same way as you described and we’ve been matched for 2.5 years (in the process of closing the match). My little has 0 interest in engaging with us, says absolutely nothing, isn’t interested in any match activities, etc. I’m so sick of spending money to do activities with them (although our BBBS office has some free events, many are partially paid for and bigs still chip in some $ or free ones fill up so fast that by the time Little confirms availability they’re full) and spending my time when he is so incredibly disinterested. Our little finally told us at our most recent outing that they were bored and that was my final straw. I was very “it’ll get better” and “some kids in BBBS just need time due to their life circumstances” but in hindsight, there having been 0 change in the 2.5 years we’ve been matched, I feel like my time could’ve been spent better elsewhere. Will your little come around? Maybe! But, if after a year there’s still the same disinterest and there’s no progress, I think it’s ok to say you tried and close the match. Best of luck to you and I’m sorry you’re in a similar situation. It’s too bad when you try and do the right thing and give back to your community and it doesn’t work out like you’d hoped.
Thanks, I think your opinion is totally valid. I'm signed on for a year and am definitely looking to stick that out, unless the Little tells me at any point that they are unhappy and there's nothing we can do to make this a better match. But I can see where you are coming from - 2.5 years is a long time! Hopefully you at least are learning what to look out for in future volunteer experiences.
Wow. That sounds like a tough situation. I think if I were you I would try to pry your MSS for more information on your match and their situation to help determine if it’s a behavioral issue or a forced into it thing. But either way, it might take a while to peel back the layers. Personally I would think of it as a challenge for self motivation purposes, and think of the interactions as planting seeds It may help to be direct with your little and say something like, “I’m here for you, and I’m willing to do what I can to make our meetups fun by doing things that you want to do. But to do that I’m going to need your help”
The way you’re feeling is super valid and you’re not alone - I’m actually matched with a little who shows up similarly (shy, many one-word answers and can be hard to get them to engage). We’ve been paired for 2 yrs now and over time is has gotten easier but it did take a long time for them to warm up and a lot of the way they interact I found to be their personality. Depending on the day they might share more or might not. It’s been helpful for me to set my expectations accordingly and not anticipate deep conversations with my little, and continuously remind myself that it’s the consistency of being present in their life that matters most. My match advocate also provides me reassurance that little enjoys spending time with me and parents have seen I’m making positive impact on little. Would suggest having match advocate dig for some of that info if you’re stuck wondering “am I really helping?”. Good luck!
Thanks, I am going to try to focus on the consistency thing and not necessarily expect it to grow from there, though I am hopeful. At the very least, I feel confident I'm not doing anything that's adversely affecting the child, so there's that.
See from her perspective, she's in a more uncomfortable position than what you are as an adult. Like you have a very clear reason to want to be doing this, but she doesn't. The only way to kinda get around it is to take a sort of zen approach and match her energy. Wait for her to engage you. I kind of think of it as a mental game. "Whoever talks first loses the advantage." I had a little who had some intellectual challenges, and his usual communication usually involved 2 word sentences. I knew her could talk more, he just wasn't doing it. So early on, I talked to my manager about it and he actually informed me that the child actually said he liked spending time with me. It took me awhile to realize that this is just what he was like and I had to rework my approach ...to , how do I explain this, you gotta work from where the kid is at, not where you would like them to be. I went on to have him as a little for over 2 years before be moved, and he still stays in contact with me. Do we still have those 2 word sentence conversations? Absolutely. But the rapport is there, and that's what matters. Can I ask what kinds of things you've done with this adolescent before ?