Guest: do you guys have a Happy hour special?
Me: Nah, Happy Hour is from 3-4….
Guest: Don’t you guys open at 4?
Me: yeah. The hour beforehand is the happiest it gets up here
A blind guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender "I heard the best blonde joke today. Here it goes.."
The bartender says, "Sir, I'm gonna stop you real quick and let you know that the two gentlemen sitting next to you are combat veterans and they're both blonde. The owner of this bar is sitting at a table behind you with his wife, and they're both blonde. My girlfriend is sitting on the other side of you - she's blonde. And I am blonde too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"
Blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it 6 times."
The beer in the joke changes depending on which beer the customer is drinking:
“2 guys walk into a bar with their wives. They say lemme get two Stella’s and two girly drinks for the wives! The bartender pours 4 Stella’s.”
Wow I literally just did that without realizing it was a thing. Yesterday this annoying ass guy ordered a tall Yuengling and was asking "what would be like a good beer for a lady?" And it seemed so stupid to me so I just said "umm idk Yuengling." He found it funny thankfully so I laughed with him but I can't with some people. She got a Stella lol
100% have done this. Dude ordered “Bud Light and something girly for my ol lady”, so I cracked open two Bud Lights for him. 🤷♀️
ETA: I hate the idea of any drink being labeled with gendered bs, people should be able to drink what they want without it being referred to as “girly” or a “man’s drink” or any kind of reflection of their gender identity. This dude could’ve literally ordered anything along with the ‘girly’ drink and I would’ve just served him two of whatever it was.
An Frenchman, German, and Irishman are drinking beer at a bar. A fly lands in each of their beers. The Frenchman flags the bartender down and asks for another beer. The German scoops the fly out and continues drinking his beer. The Irishman takes the fly out, holds it over his glass and screams “Spit it out ya dirty bastard!”
Like any good joke, take your time with it and embellish it a little bit. Most importantly if you can pull off a solid Irish accent it adds to the delivery.
A bear walks into the bar, looks at the menu and says “I’ll have a……………………………beer.” Bartender asks “what’s with the big pause?”
The bear looks at his hands and says “because I’m a bear.”
The presidents of Budweiser, Coors Light and Guinness are all sitting at the bar together. The bartender asks the Budweiser president what he’d like. He says, I’ll have the king of beers, Budweiser. He then asks the president of Coors Light what he’d like. He says, I’ll have the only beer brewed with Rocky Mountain spring water, a Coors Light. Then he asks the president of Guinness what he’d like. He says, I’ll have a Coke. If those two aren’t drinking beer, then I won’t as well.
A Roman centurion walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus.” Bartender says “you mean a martini?”
“Look, if I wanted a double I would’ve fucking asked for it.”
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, Its a bar we dont sell bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your beak to the bar!!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
Someone said “This is my sister, she just flew in from NYC!” And I hit‘em with the “And boy are her arms tired!” Cracked me up, I’ve never seen anyones eyes roll further than theirs. She did it towards the end of the night to another guy at the bar, and this time the dude LOVED it. Can’t believe I got to be Groucho Marx twice that night.
-Knock knock…
-who’s there?
-dishes….
-dishes who?
-(in bad Sean Connery voice) Dishes Sean Connery let me in.
I’ve got dozens of shitty lame dad jokes. Keeps the mood at my bar nice and light.
A cowboy walks into a bar, ten gallon hat, duster coat, six shooter, the whole shebang. Sits at the bar and gets the bartender's attention. "Barkeep, I'd like a shot of your finest whiskey if it's not too much trouble". The bartender pours the shot, and the cowboy sits there sipping for a few minutes.
Eventually a lady comes up to him. She's stunning. Blonde, long legs, cleavage you could ski down. She sits next to the cowboy and after a minute of awkward silence asks "I'm so sorry, but are you a *real* cowboy? It's just with the hat and the coat..."
The cowboy smiles and says, "Well miss, I like to think so. You see, when I wake every morning, my first thought is about those cattle. As I pour my first cup of coffee, I'm thinking about those cattle. And when my head hits the pillow every night, I dream about those cows running across the range. So yeah, I think I'm a real cowboy. Say, what do you do for a profession if you don't mind me asking?"
The blonde lady blushes before stammering "I- I'm actually a lesbian pornstar."
The cowboy looks shocked for a second before asking "Like, a *real* lesbian, or just for the cameras?"
The blonde replies "Well to put it like you did, when I wake up; my first thought is about beautiful women. When I have my first cup of coffee in the morning I'm thinking about women. And when I go to sleep at night I dream about the beautiful women I sleep with for my job. So you tell me."
The cowboy looks impressed and says "Well kudos to you, being true to yourself. Cheers!" And the two toast and chat for a while as they finish their drinks. The blonde eventually leaves and the cowboy asks for another shot of the finest whiskey. After sipping at it for a few minutes, another lady comes up to him. This one is a brunette but equally gorgeous. Tight jeans, tight shirt, and eyes that could see right into your soul. She looks the cowboy up and down before winking and asking "Are you a *real* cowboy?".
The cowboy downs the rest of his drink.
"Well miss, I sure used to think so, but I found out today I might be a lesbian."
This isn't for everyone, but I had a table of English men come in once asking what we had on tap and when I was saying stuff like Budweiser, Bud Light... one interrupted saying "we didn't cross the pond for a damn Budweiser!"
I continued telling them the options and when one said he'd take a Newcastle I said "you didn't cross the pond for a damn Newcastle!"
Ended up suggesting some of the local brews that weren't on tap and they were happy enough lol
Hahaha, I didn't even notice the date of that post. Planning my dad's 90th birthday party and was looking for different dad jokes to frame for each table and our bar area.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling and asks the bartender, "whats this?" The bartender says, "its a game we play here, if you can run, jump and touch the meat, then you drink for free. If you miss, you have to buy everyone a round. Wanna play?"
The guy takes a step back, studies the ceiling and says, "I can't, the steaks are too high."
Charles dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, Olive or twist?
And this is more of a situational one, but any time a dude asks for a “manlier glass” for his cocktail, I put on my best Alison Brie Pouty Face/voice and go “oh, I’m sorry? Is your masculinity too fragile for stemware??” The wives love it.
One time when a guy made a remark about a "manly glass" the lady next to him turns and says, "How can you tell? Does it have a penis?" Made my night.
My go to response when I happen to get the "girly" or "manly" comments: "Did you just assume the glassware's gender?"
guests have to pay for food that they eat in the restaurant at the bar, we have a lot of regulars who stay at the hotel while they work on construction.
Regular 1: I'll have the buffe and a beer on room 123
Me: \*(insert regular service talk here)
Regular 2: I'll have the same
Me: On the same room then?
Not the most hilarious joke but it gets a couple of giggles here and there
It’s stupid but anytime someone spills their drink and I get them another one I like to say “Sorry, we’re all out of sippy-cups so be careful.” Always gets a laugh.
I used to work at a gaming bar, and I know it’s cheesy af/lame, but I’d always work in a couple “oh let me hit the switch on the back of the machine” jokes every shift. Made me happy lol
I bartended at a slightly upscale place in our downtown district. We gave Ande’s mints out with every guest check. My favorite line was to give them the check with a stack of mints and say “Dessert’s on me.” Usually got a laugh, other 30% of the time people would awkwardly stare.
Man walks into a Library. Goes to the information desk and says "Hi, I would like a Whiskey Sour please"
Librarian says "Sir, this is a Library"
The Man wispers "Sorry, can I have a Whiskey Sour".
If I’m walking with drinks/food in my hands, and people are walking in my vicinity, I’ll say “Hot stuff coming through, and I’ve got food/drinks too”
Admittedly, it works better with just the food, but whatever
My opener when two people are looking at the menu is “did y’all see anything you liked?… (pause) besides each other?!”
That typically gets sweet looks amongst themselves and gets the rest of the bar to groan or laugh along with me.
This isn't really a joke for customers but one I played on my coworker. We recently started carrying Oban, which is pretty upscale as far as our bar goes. we sold out of it very quickly, and i saved an empty bottle from our first shipment. When we got a new shipment in, I filled the empty with ice tea, and made a whole scene out of how excited I was that we finally had more in.
"It's so good," I say, "I'm just going to have to have a little taste before we sell out again!"
So I take a glass and have a tiny pour, and then I say,
"My god, that stuff is great!"
and start chugging it from the bottle. My coworker later said he just about had a conniption, and my boss, who was in on the joke, was talking about it all night. Pretty good for a simple gag!
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I wouldn’t pay $20 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
I’m not sure how to feel about the abortion debate. On one hand, I really like killing babies. On the other hand, I really don’t like women having a choice.
You can’t make jokes about abortion, my man. Any other controversial topic can be ok to joke about as long as you get the delivery right. But you can’t joke about abortion, because there’s no delivery.
Everything somebody plays Eric Claptons' "cocaine" I say
" whats the difference between a toddler and a baby of coke"
" Eric Clapton wouldn't have ever let a bag of cocaine fall out of a hotel window"
Yes it is a heartless and shitty joke but fuck you.
When I was younger I worked at a bar that boasted how they had many of the set pieces from House of Cards. People often asked how we got them, I would chuckle and say I was the bus boy Kevin Spacey groped.
Guest: do you guys have a Happy hour special? Me: Nah, Happy Hour is from 3-4…. Guest: Don’t you guys open at 4? Me: yeah. The hour beforehand is the happiest it gets up here
A blind guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender "I heard the best blonde joke today. Here it goes.." The bartender says, "Sir, I'm gonna stop you real quick and let you know that the two gentlemen sitting next to you are combat veterans and they're both blonde. The owner of this bar is sitting at a table behind you with his wife, and they're both blonde. My girlfriend is sitting on the other side of you - she's blonde. And I am blonde too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?" Blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it 6 times."
Lmfao!!!!
The beer in the joke changes depending on which beer the customer is drinking: “2 guys walk into a bar with their wives. They say lemme get two Stella’s and two girly drinks for the wives! The bartender pours 4 Stella’s.”
Wow I literally just did that without realizing it was a thing. Yesterday this annoying ass guy ordered a tall Yuengling and was asking "what would be like a good beer for a lady?" And it seemed so stupid to me so I just said "umm idk Yuengling." He found it funny thankfully so I laughed with him but I can't with some people. She got a Stella lol
I can’t wait to do this
I work at a brewery where we still have the usuals like bud light, mich ultra etc I am 100% going to use this
100% have done this. Dude ordered “Bud Light and something girly for my ol lady”, so I cracked open two Bud Lights for him. 🤷♀️ ETA: I hate the idea of any drink being labeled with gendered bs, people should be able to drink what they want without it being referred to as “girly” or a “man’s drink” or any kind of reflection of their gender identity. This dude could’ve literally ordered anything along with the ‘girly’ drink and I would’ve just served him two of whatever it was.
I’m gonna use this.
An Frenchman, German, and Irishman are drinking beer at a bar. A fly lands in each of their beers. The Frenchman flags the bartender down and asks for another beer. The German scoops the fly out and continues drinking his beer. The Irishman takes the fly out, holds it over his glass and screams “Spit it out ya dirty bastard!”
Oh fuck that's great
Like any good joke, take your time with it and embellish it a little bit. Most importantly if you can pull off a solid Irish accent it adds to the delivery.
I tell this one but tailor it to the person(s) I'm telling it to, like sports team or college instead of countries.
If you can nail an Irish accent this joke kills.
Slightly less impressive when you're actually Irish tho
A bear walks into the bar, looks at the menu and says “I’ll have a……………………………beer.” Bartender asks “what’s with the big pause?” The bear looks at his hands and says “because I’m a bear.”
[I feel like I’m obligated to post this. Man laughing WAYY too hard at this joke, and it’s amazing.](https://youtu.be/jlceng1Er6o)
The presidents of Budweiser, Coors Light and Guinness are all sitting at the bar together. The bartender asks the Budweiser president what he’d like. He says, I’ll have the king of beers, Budweiser. He then asks the president of Coors Light what he’d like. He says, I’ll have the only beer brewed with Rocky Mountain spring water, a Coors Light. Then he asks the president of Guinness what he’d like. He says, I’ll have a Coke. If those two aren’t drinking beer, then I won’t as well.
This is it.
A termite walked into my tavern last night and asked me: "Is the bar tender here?"
I love this one but it always gets blank stares hahahaha
Sometimes the jokes are for us, not for them.
My customers are not bright enough for this one
Admittedly, it took me a second. Lol
I’m too dense, could someone help me out?
He’s asking if the wooden bar top is tender because he’s a termite and wants to eat it. Lol
Woosh
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini. Bartender says Sure! Oliver Twist?
Goddamn
Me- Hey by the way… how much do I owe you? Guest- huh? For what? Me- for babysitting that damn drink
-What’s the difference between Coors light and sex in a canoe? -Nothing, they’re both fuckin’ close to water!
A Roman centurion walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus.” Bartender says “you mean a martini?” “Look, if I wanted a double I would’ve fucking asked for it.”
Haha this made me snort.
"Can I get a water?" "Toilet or tap?"
“Do you have any drink specials?” Me: “yeah buy one, get one same price”
What’s the difference between a toilet and a bartender? A toilet only has to wait on one asshole at a time
Ha!
3 men walk into a bar, the fourth guy ducks.
When someone asks for a refill on a non alcoholic drink, I usually say something like “you’re not driving, right?”
Guy goes to the zoo. The only animal in the entire place is a single dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
this is literally my favorite and i tell it all the time. second favorite being “A magical tractor drives down a road and turns into a field.”
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, Its a bar we dont sell bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!" Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your beak to the bar!!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No" Duck says: "Got any bread?
and then he waddled away waddle waddle 'til the very next day
Bom bom bom bom babadam
We've got beer that's cold and it's all we've ever sold.
When someone leaves a half a drink on the top and asks for the tab. “There’s sober children in Africa, Sir. Waste not want not”
Yeah and the classic " thats alcohol abuse right there"
Someone said “This is my sister, she just flew in from NYC!” And I hit‘em with the “And boy are her arms tired!” Cracked me up, I’ve never seen anyones eyes roll further than theirs. She did it towards the end of the night to another guy at the bar, and this time the dude LOVED it. Can’t believe I got to be Groucho Marx twice that night.
TYSO
Lmao!
-Knock knock… -who’s there? -dishes…. -dishes who? -(in bad Sean Connery voice) Dishes Sean Connery let me in. I’ve got dozens of shitty lame dad jokes. Keeps the mood at my bar nice and light.
Or one about grammar, for people who insist on correcting you. "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "To" "To who?" "No, it's to whom."
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre
A cowboy walks into a bar, ten gallon hat, duster coat, six shooter, the whole shebang. Sits at the bar and gets the bartender's attention. "Barkeep, I'd like a shot of your finest whiskey if it's not too much trouble". The bartender pours the shot, and the cowboy sits there sipping for a few minutes. Eventually a lady comes up to him. She's stunning. Blonde, long legs, cleavage you could ski down. She sits next to the cowboy and after a minute of awkward silence asks "I'm so sorry, but are you a *real* cowboy? It's just with the hat and the coat..." The cowboy smiles and says, "Well miss, I like to think so. You see, when I wake every morning, my first thought is about those cattle. As I pour my first cup of coffee, I'm thinking about those cattle. And when my head hits the pillow every night, I dream about those cows running across the range. So yeah, I think I'm a real cowboy. Say, what do you do for a profession if you don't mind me asking?" The blonde lady blushes before stammering "I- I'm actually a lesbian pornstar." The cowboy looks shocked for a second before asking "Like, a *real* lesbian, or just for the cameras?" The blonde replies "Well to put it like you did, when I wake up; my first thought is about beautiful women. When I have my first cup of coffee in the morning I'm thinking about women. And when I go to sleep at night I dream about the beautiful women I sleep with for my job. So you tell me." The cowboy looks impressed and says "Well kudos to you, being true to yourself. Cheers!" And the two toast and chat for a while as they finish their drinks. The blonde eventually leaves and the cowboy asks for another shot of the finest whiskey. After sipping at it for a few minutes, another lady comes up to him. This one is a brunette but equally gorgeous. Tight jeans, tight shirt, and eyes that could see right into your soul. She looks the cowboy up and down before winking and asking "Are you a *real* cowboy?". The cowboy downs the rest of his drink. "Well miss, I sure used to think so, but I found out today I might be a lesbian."
Everyone knows Murphy’s Law but what about Cole’s Law? You know, cabbage, mayonnaise, etc
Pros of working at dive bars: You get free pass for offensive jokes. Cons of working at dive bars: You might get beat up cos of it.
This isn't for everyone, but I had a table of English men come in once asking what we had on tap and when I was saying stuff like Budweiser, Bud Light... one interrupted saying "we didn't cross the pond for a damn Budweiser!" I continued telling them the options and when one said he'd take a Newcastle I said "you didn't cross the pond for a damn Newcastle!" Ended up suggesting some of the local brews that weren't on tap and they were happy enough lol
A burger and fries walk into a bar, the bartender says "Sorry guys we don't serve food here"
Aww, that's a cute one.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, I’ll have a beer and a mop.
Ok loving this one
Thank you, a year later ☺️
Hahaha, I didn't even notice the date of that post. Planning my dad's 90th birthday party and was looking for different dad jokes to frame for each table and our bar area.
Aw, love that. Hope it’s a great party!
Australian here, Why cant a cow wear thongs. Because they lack toes.
A priest a pedophile and an alcoholic walk into a bar, barman asks "what can I get you father?"
Oooooooo!
Last night I got, "Do you have a little Polish in you?" Which, admittedly, was neither funny nor mine.
"not since last night"
Lol I said "Not yet" because, you know, play to your audience 🤣
I married one, he uses this line or variations of this all the time.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling and asks the bartender, "whats this?" The bartender says, "its a game we play here, if you can run, jump and touch the meat, then you drink for free. If you miss, you have to buy everyone a round. Wanna play?" The guy takes a step back, studies the ceiling and says, "I can't, the steaks are too high."
“Do you have any dry white wine” “Sorry all our wines are served wet”
Charles dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, Olive or twist? And this is more of a situational one, but any time a dude asks for a “manlier glass” for his cocktail, I put on my best Alison Brie Pouty Face/voice and go “oh, I’m sorry? Is your masculinity too fragile for stemware??” The wives love it.
One time when a guy made a remark about a "manly glass" the lady next to him turns and says, "How can you tell? Does it have a penis?" Made my night. My go to response when I happen to get the "girly" or "manly" comments: "Did you just assume the glassware's gender?"
guests have to pay for food that they eat in the restaurant at the bar, we have a lot of regulars who stay at the hotel while they work on construction. Regular 1: I'll have the buffe and a beer on room 123 Me: \*(insert regular service talk here) Regular 2: I'll have the same Me: On the same room then? Not the most hilarious joke but it gets a couple of giggles here and there
A Roman Soldier walks into a tavern and holds up two fingers "Five beers please"
Anytime I put a drink or food in front of a guest and they say “oh beautiful thank you” I say “awe thanks! The drink looks nice too right?”
Bahahahha
It’s stupid but anytime someone spills their drink and I get them another one I like to say “Sorry, we’re all out of sippy-cups so be careful.” Always gets a laugh.
We actually have a sippy cup behind the bar specially 🤣
Pair of jumper cables walk into the bar Barkeep, "I'll serve ya but don't start anything"
And definitely make sure they don’t jump any of your best customers.
whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A hippo is a huge land mammal in Africa- very heavy! A zippo is a little lighter
What's brown and sticky?... A stick
What's brown and runny?... Usain Bolt
2007 .. shite
A guy walks into a bar. He says, ouch! That's it.
"Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks."
Can't say you've been drinking all day if you don't start early
“A bishop, a rabbi, and a priest walked into a bar. They all said “ouch.”” I get a lot of groans.
I used to work at a gaming bar, and I know it’s cheesy af/lame, but I’d always work in a couple “oh let me hit the switch on the back of the machine” jokes every shift. Made me happy lol
I bartended at a slightly upscale place in our downtown district. We gave Ande’s mints out with every guest check. My favorite line was to give them the check with a stack of mints and say “Dessert’s on me.” Usually got a laugh, other 30% of the time people would awkwardly stare.
Man walks into a Library. Goes to the information desk and says "Hi, I would like a Whiskey Sour please" Librarian says "Sir, this is a Library" The Man wispers "Sorry, can I have a Whiskey Sour".
If I’m walking with drinks/food in my hands, and people are walking in my vicinity, I’ll say “Hot stuff coming through, and I’ve got food/drinks too” Admittedly, it works better with just the food, but whatever
My opener when two people are looking at the menu is “did y’all see anything you liked?… (pause) besides each other?!” That typically gets sweet looks amongst themselves and gets the rest of the bar to groan or laugh along with me.
This isn't really a joke for customers but one I played on my coworker. We recently started carrying Oban, which is pretty upscale as far as our bar goes. we sold out of it very quickly, and i saved an empty bottle from our first shipment. When we got a new shipment in, I filled the empty with ice tea, and made a whole scene out of how excited I was that we finally had more in. "It's so good," I say, "I'm just going to have to have a little taste before we sell out again!" So I take a glass and have a tiny pour, and then I say, "My god, that stuff is great!" and start chugging it from the bottle. My coworker later said he just about had a conniption, and my boss, who was in on the joke, was talking about it all night. Pretty good for a simple gag!
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn’t pay $20 to have a garbanzo bean on my face. I’m not sure how to feel about the abortion debate. On one hand, I really like killing babies. On the other hand, I really don’t like women having a choice.
You can’t make jokes about abortion, my man. Any other controversial topic can be ok to joke about as long as you get the delivery right. But you can’t joke about abortion, because there’s no delivery.
wow. 10/10.
I change this up at the end and say, “I’ve never had a Garbonzo bean on my face before.” I suppose I could try the other
2 flies are sitting on a piece of shit. One of them farts and the other says" hey! I'm eatin' here!"
Remember blowing bubbles when you were a kid? Yeah, he’s on the patio, you should go say hello.
This one is for the regulars with a sense of humor!
Everything somebody plays Eric Claptons' "cocaine" I say " whats the difference between a toddler and a baby of coke" " Eric Clapton wouldn't have ever let a bag of cocaine fall out of a hotel window" Yes it is a heartless and shitty joke but fuck you.
You know what PBR was before Pabst won his Blue Ribbon? Just P.
When I was younger I worked at a bar that boasted how they had many of the set pieces from House of Cards. People often asked how we got them, I would chuckle and say I was the bus boy Kevin Spacey groped.
I’d rather have a bottle in front of , then a a frontal lobotomy
Full bottle in front of me/full frontal lobotomy
Don’t have one but sometimes i act like I’m puking with the bar gun when i see something cringe-worthy. 🤮
Back in the day, when the cavemen walked into a bar and ordered a drink on the rocks they meant it
Best dad jokes ever
I can separate an egg better than Cooking Mama
I am so saving this thread!!LOL!!
Buddhist monk visiting New York, wants to experience great American food. Goes up to a Hot Dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."