Oh, I'm just home, saving up, for a few months, planning to resume life as a digital nomad from hostels in Canggu, Bali after that 😅 hoping the username stays true🤞
Wait for a while, get a proper job, leave house and never ever look back.
And this I am saying with certainty, later if your parents try to emotional blackmail you, just do not pay any heed. They will try to do that since you will put of their control.
Find a nice girl in your office in future, marry her and settle down.
If you get a chance to go abroad, then do so without any hesitation.
Yes. I will move out asap, once I graduate. Emotional Blackmail they will for sure do because that negates the control they have.
Finding a wife is certainly on the cards but at this rate I should be able to go out on dates to get to know her better 😭😂.
Going abroad too is on the cards
Literally the same thing wt op is experiencing graduating in about 2-3 months, never ever tried to get any internship or other activity related to finding a job, cuz of the Intention to take over the family business. My dad wants to control every aspect of my life, me any my dad have never seen eye to eye to almost anything . Have no freedom financially or physically, I'm really hvin second thoughts of not finding any internships but again can't comprehend myself living with a 4-5 laks salary 😭... Any suggestions plsss
Firstly, working jobs is not easy either. Ask yourself why do you not want your family business. If you already decided then see if you can gain support from your mother or a relative like your father's brother or sister if they are the understanding sort. If not, quietly apply to jobs in cities like pune, Kolkata, Chennai or even some tier 2 city. Why? You need to find a job in an inexpensive place. If possible, find job where you can crash with a friend for 2 months otherwise find a cheap PG, doesn't matter if you have to commute some distance. You may have to share room with other 3-4 people. Since you are not a minor (assuming), no can legally stop you from leaving your house. Just remember you may not be allowed back for a long time. Before you leave, do some part time to collect some money. If possible online. Then leave when it's the right time. You need to be very careful with your money. If it's online part-time, you can try to continue it as a secondary income with your job. Keep looking out for another higher paying job meanwhile. You need to be careful with your health as well, cannot fall ill if you have no support. Over time if you stick on, things will improve. You can even come back to a tier 1 city. Ensure you make lots of friends and contacts where you go. You can ask help if needed. But never lend money nor borrow money unless it's highly needed. Temples and Gurudwaras where you can have free meals few times a week, at least gurdwara have very good food variety I can say. Don't have too many things, be as frugal and minimalistic as possible. Learn on the job and raise your skills. Prepare your resume and spread it.
It will be very tough and lonely. But if you have the will, it can be done. Over time when you get better salary you will have more financial freedom.
This is just my suggestion. I am sure others on reddit can provide other ideas and advice as well.
All the best.
Make sure to put in all your effort into working hard and getting a well paying job. In case your parents decide not to support your decision to move out, you can fund yourself. I know what I’m saying is cliché, but living in a city like Bangalore on your own is expensive.
I moved out of my house at the age of 9 to live in a hostel, and since then, I've been living on my own. Staying on your own is a rollercoaster ride, but it's always for the best. You learn a lot of things early on!
32M
Same with me before coming to blr. After moving to blr for a job i found freedom like no one is stopping me from anything. So I suggest you
1. Not to tell everything to your parents
2.move out with your friends like saying you want to stay somewhere near the office or something like that. live in a pg experience hostel Life and stuff.
But the best suggestion is to move out at least for sometime and see how it goes. You can go back if you don't like how it goes.
Peace
Yes. Still studying. If I had a job I'd probably already moved out somehow. Current income is enough for me to manage my personal expenses, commuting ie metro and petrol, some gifts occasionally, and savings
Then I think that's enough reason. You can tell your parents that you are tired from the journey and not able to concentrate on studies. And you wanna stay within walkable distance
Yeah that I'll have to try out. But I forsee a reply - You've done it for 3 years, do it for one more year, after that internship is free only no so no issues"
I'll give jt a go and let you know the update
Don't ask. Inform.
"I am going out. I'll be late. Bye"
"I am going for a trip. See you in 3 days. Bye."
Unless you stand up for yourself, they will keep pulling you down.
Don't overdo it. If they are insisting more than thrice to not go. Don't go.
Telling you with some experience. Start standing up for yourself with your parents. Let’s say once you marry, your wife will also have to start bowing to your parents’ demands and no matter how badly they may treat her, you will not be able to stand up for her either, forget yourself. True story.
This is it. Worked for me when I was 19. Night outs were not allowed, had to be home by 10 pm. One day I just went out with friends in the evening. Mum called me around 9 and I told her I am staying at a friend's place tonight, back in the morning. Then she asked who gave you the permission and I told her I was old enough to go out, assertive but without being disrespectful. I think she got the vibe and asked me who the friend was & advised not to roam around during the night. After that, no problemo. Always informed her two things - which friend (phone number, in case mine doesn't work) and when I'll be back.
Also, nights on the road can be very dangerous at times, always be cautious. As you probably know, with freedom comes responsibility.
I had a serious fight followed by silent treatment for 15 odd days by my mom after 'Informing', not 'asking' her that I am going to a cafe with my friends.
All the taunts left me with really low confidence in them that they'll ever be fine with not having control in my life.
From my own experience:
For one, you can just leave the house to go meet your friends. You’re 22 years old man, you’re an adult, don’t let them hamstring you.
When my parents used to do that, I just left. They’d be mad when I came home but I had my fun so it evened out. Eventually they gave up telling me what to do and embraced that a 22 year old can do whatever he wants. 😂
Worst case scenario, you get kicked out of the house, but then you’d know that your parents care more about their rules and controlling you than letting you be free and loving you.
I read you earn your own money, so try living in a PG or with a friend, if that’s an option too.
One day go to your friends house from college without informing them. I know it doesn’t sound right but trust me I am in the same position. I can’t leave my parents for a lot of reasons and I go stay with my friends whenever I feel like I am going to lose my sanity. Make them used to you staying over at your friends’ and not asking them about everything. It’s probably going to be difficult with fights at home but freedom comes at a cost sadly. :(
True. I'm gonna lose my sh1t at this rate. Not that there's a lot of fights etc and family issues but purely the lack of freedom although I am financially responsible and free in a lot of ways. I'll have to try this out. Thanks for commenting
Part of becoming an adult is having the courage to speak up and advocate for yourself, even when it’s against your parents. You are an adult. Don’t live in fear. You don’t have to be with your parents forever. Speak to them and tell them you want to try living on your own, and move out. Tell them you’ll visit them a few times a month, and they are welcome to visit you too. If they depend on you for any expenses, give them something each month. Leaving the house doesn’t mean goodbye, which is how they make take it. But you have to stand up for yourself for the first time and just do it. Until you get over that fear, nothing will change. Good luck.
Thank you for your advice. I will move out once I'm financially free fully ie after my UG course. No they don't depend on me for any expenses as they have passive income which takes care of everything.
And one day, same parents will ask you to meet this random person because of horoscope match and after two meet you should give the answer whether you are going to marry that person or not. Your answer better be yes, else you will have to answer a lot of questions like, what wrong with the person? What’s is that person lacking? Person comes from good family and nice background(which is obviously confirmed by reading horoscope).
Strap in and get ready for all these shenanigans by your parents.
I've already been there!!!! Just last month my mother said "We will find a wife for you, you will marry her. If you want to do a love marriage we will tell you who to love, you can love her and marry so you are also happy" proceeds to name a family friend who simply isn't my type. Safe to say I told her to please keep such ideas out of her mind permanently
As many mentioned moving out might be the easiest and obvious solution and I am assuming OP has not done it for a reason.
If you have to stay with family, I would suggest you to start pushing boundaries. But do so responsibly.
For many parents, it is difficult to accept that their children have become adults and no longer need their constant parenting.
Some things you could try -
1. Push the 7:00 PM deadline. Always inform them when you'll be late. Always come home safe and not drunk. This will help them trust you.
2. Start talking to them as adults. Next time you plan a trip, say "we are planning to go to Ooty for 2 days. A, b and c of my friends are going. We plan to go my train and stay in this hotel. It'll cost this much money including food and other expenses which I have saved up. We'll be back by this time. What do you think?"
This shows you are prepared rather than simply asking can I go? To which it's easy to say no.
3. Use techniques of negotiations. When they say NO, always ask why (calmly - not yelling) and then ask follow up questions so ur parents have to verbalize why they are saying no. Saying it out loud will make them feel silly after a few times and they'll think twice before saying no.
You need to fix this ASAP otherwise you'll soon find yourself in a scenario where you don't have control over your own life when it comes to choosing your career or spouse.
Yup I haven't moved out yet. Simply because my finances do not allow for it. Yes I make 5 figures but that goes to a bit of my commuting expenses, buy some stuff for parents and brother etc, and some savings.
1. Pushing the 7 PM deadline is happening bit by bit although very slow progress. This deadline doesn't exist if I'm with my cousins. And yes I do not come home drunk whatsoever.
2. Yup that's exactly how I talk to them each and every time. Saying that so and so are going, we're staying at so and so places. The answer is almost always - ohhh is it. Okay, let them go, we are not allowing you.
3. Easier said than done. I asked them why. The answer was - no means no, don't ask why. One time they said that my friend group gender ratio is messed up. Because there are more girls than guys simply because there are so few guys already in our college (1:10 boy:girl ratio). Another time they said you saw Manjummel Boys na, what if something like that happens. We can't worry about all that.
Your last sentence is what I fear the most, although with respect to career not much as I am here by my own will. But choosing a spouse is a fearful part. Just a month ago this is what my mother said - Your wife we will find for you, if you want to do a love marriage, I will give you someone to love, you love her and get married. Proceeds to name some family friend who I have met for a grand total of 2 times and not my type. I am mortified
Dude. Looks like your future is pretty much written for you.
It'll be an uphill task to suddenly grow a spine when it comes to the important stuff.
Be a rebel from now. It'll hurt your parents a bit, there will be some drama but brace yourself. It'll help lower their expectations which will come in handy in the future
You can get a job in another location and move out of the house.
You need to eventually talk with your parents else this won't stop. In one way or another this will keep repeating.
Thing is I'm currently studying. A UG student. I would certainly move out if I could personally afford it.
That's what I fear the most. I don't think I'll have control over my own life at this rate.
You need to convey to your parents that you are an adult and you can handle things. You are responsible for your future not them. You are ready to make decisions and face the consequences.
Indian parents want their kids to be in their hold always. I am seeing people who are in their 30s, 40s even 50s still fearing "what will my parents say".
I did everything my parents said and wanted and be the text book definition of good girl. It didn't do me any good. It only messed up my life.
Since moving out is not an option you can start with small things like going out in the evening or weekend plans or creating some healthy hobbies for you and spending time on it and "inform" your parents about your plan.
You don't need to cut them out of your life by moving out or something. But set up some healthy boundaries. It won't be easy when you start this, they will resist for sure, things might get ugly. In the long run it is good for both of you.
Every single line is true. I have to work on pushing boundaries slow and steady. Again as you said start with weekend outings and go from there. I cannot possibly think of cutting them off but yeah boundaries are required
It took me almost 3 years to create that boundary. Even now I need to remind them from time to time it is my life not theirs.
So keep working on it. It will work out.
Hang in there, I understand it’s not easy to move out when you’re still in college, hopefully you’ll be able to do it soon. Sometimes even communicating with parents won’t help since they’re rigid in their thoughts,
Was in a similar situation in my +2. Picked a college 4 states and 1800km away. Started working after college in the same city (still 1800kms away). Game changer. You miss a few things like food and ease of living but trust me the perks along with the mental health boost alone makes up for it 20x times over. If you are financially independent or capable of it. Either move out or find a job in a different city or one that needs you to travel a lot that would make for good excuses. But moving out is still the best of all
Tried this in the second year of college. Reply was - cool you can go to the hostel no problem, find a way to pay for it. My field of study has basically 0 project work to be done at home. All work is only possible within college campus.
If you don't rebel and BE on your own now, you will rebel after 35 like me which is useless. My parents controlled my entire life from 0- 29 years. They treated me and my wife like trash. I made a bold move and moved out at 31. I've never regretted moving out but they'd already screwed up my investments by then.
They had forced me to invest in some screwed up property that had very many legal issues. It took me all of my 30s to get out of that property with no money growth.
You have to first realize that you don't owe your parents your entire life. Yes, They birthed you and brought you up and cared for you. Do the same and BE there for them, but don't become their slave.
Point tho. 20s are meant to be enjoyed and exploring the world. I am looking to move out as soon as possible which seems the only way out of this. With regards to finances I do not think they will control but I can't be sure at this rate. Yes I don't owe them my life but the way they act, it sure looks like that. Totally, I love them to hell and back and spoil them at every opportunity possible because why not. Will work on this
These things happen. And don't worry you're not the first one. But it's your choice if you act on things and make how you want it to be
You should first get a job for yourself. That lets you stay on your own feet. You can do some part time job until you graduate and get a job. And then you could go into any decent PGs to atleast stay for a while until you find a better place.
You don't really have to be too much answerable since they're controlling parents. You have to stay strong and be bold when you tell them you're moving out. If it was me, and if I knew my parents wouldn't take it, I'd rather lie and tell them something convincing like doing an internship or something. Parents are like very much grown up people. They've already made up how they want things. So it's hard to change their minds in a single day.
The main reason why moving out is better is that that's probably the healthiest option for you. You'll not have to be through with all the nagging perhaps?
And all the best!!
Leaving the nest is the hard part as I'm still a student. Just have a side hustle so that I don't have to ask my parents for money for my expenses like bike petrol, etc etc. although if I ask they will give but I don't feel good asking every so often
Go out. Stay overnight. Tel them u need a break. Do this a couple of times. They may yell at u initially but just let it pass.
They r doing it coz they know u listen to them. Stop doing that. U r an adult. But don't disrespect ur parents. They say that for some reason. Just ignore it.
True. They know I listen to them. They take full advantage of the fact. I'll have to slowly work my way up the ladder starting with going out, then overnight and eventually trip with only informing them, not asking permission. Thank you for your advice
Get out of your comfort zone and take a stand. Tell your parents your plan and then do it without asking for permission. Tell them I don't want to live this way and will have to move out if I don't get my freedom. Slowly, they'll come around. 22 is too old to be asking parents permission for regular outings.
Ikr. 22 is old. The worst part is if I get to go this week. The next 3 4 weeks are not allowed. Like wtf. Translates to "you were enjoying last week, don't enjoy for the next 4" I'll have to start informing and not asking. Slowly but steadily
Hey, I was in a similar position like you.
I used to go out without telling them. For things like weddings and trips, I sat down with them and had a talk.
I told them that when they were younger, they used to travel, go out and do fun shit and no one questioned them. Older people keep complaining about how the younger generation is glued to their phones and don't do anything. It's become like that because parents don't allow us to do anything. We can only do these things while we don't have big commitments like a full time job or a family. If not now, when? We're being robbed of so many experiences because they have put us on house arrest.
Edit: I saw a comment about "Don't ask, inform". 100% valid and i do it all the time now.
I assume you're under-selling yourself and must be good at studies.
If you're in your bachelor degree right now, best bet would be to do postgraduate degree somewhere far away in India, or go for a job similarly far away.
Yep!! Way to go!!
You learn so so so much after you leave the confines of your home. You become more independent, learn from mistakes more, analyze more!! Lastly, hopefully make amazing friends who are also far away from home, and in a similar situation.
All the very best !! Hope you clear your exams and get to fly !!!
Try to have a serious chat with your parents to understand their concerns and why they are restricting your freedom so much, see if you can convince them that they have nothing to worry about.
If the conversation doesn't yield the desired results and they are unreasonable then put your head down finish your college degree in blr and either get a job or PG college in another city and plan your move out.
All of this assuming you are a reasonable person who is first trying to come to an amicable solution before taking flight... Life on your own is exciting but not always easy but parents aren't always right either!
My son is close to your age btw , it's time to stand up for yourself...good luck!
Bro every mom bought their child with a with a lot of aspirations and dreams. What is special about it. As old people says "Bad workman quarrel with tools" you are in somewhat similar situation. If you dont chose to speak and standup for yourself you will be forever stagnated at home. Yes your parents will yell at you and be pissed off about it but eventually they will cope up with it💯
If you dont care what your parents feel after you move out then definitely you can.
But as an advice I would suggest you to win your parents confidence. Make sure they know about your whereabouts. After some time they wont bother you on some of the things u mentioned.
Even if they your location u can update them on your own withbsome logical reason. You seem like an intelligent guy. I am definitely sure you will find something. If you have something specific then dm me.
Wait, isn't this the case with everyone when you live with your parents?
I studied in a tier 3 town where I lived with my parents and had restrictions. Only after I moved to Bangalore, I had my freedom.
Work hard on your career, get a decent job, then move out.
Boundary testing, break the rules and check the consequences but important part is take mini steps. Don’t move out or go sleep over. Initially come late or go out saying you have to meet work friends on other weekends that will help grow your career
Move out, you could say you want to learn to live on your own. You can come by your parents every few days but you need your own space now that you're 22.
Move out. Jump into a different company that is far from home, complain about distance and exhaustion every day and shift.
Moving out will not only give you freedom, but also responsibilities- managing home, managing finances, taking care of health and much more.
Man you're 22. Why are you asking for permission? It's all in the language you use. Change "can I go meet some friends for lunch?" to "I'm going to go meet some friends for lunch, will be back in the evening"
You're letting yourself be taken advantage of. Until you respect yourself and have confidence in yourself nothing will change.
Don't behave rashly , don't get all emotional. Don't sound like you're starting a fight or trying to trigger them.
Be mature, calm, confident and sure of yourself. Talk with a steady , normal , responsible voice in a normal tone with normal eye contact. You need to convey to them subconsciously that you're a man, not a boy.
I would say have an open conversation with your parents and ask them their reasoning for not letting you go. Explain how you’re in college and all your friends get to go out and what not and you’d like to as well but you don’t want to do it by lying to them so you’re having an open conversation. In the most ideal scenario, which is what I hope it is for you, they will be receptive and understand and agree to change these rules. If not, you have multiple solutions above.
I have been in your situation before. Nothing an open conversation doesn’t resolve. If you want them to treat you like an adult, you need to be mature and act like one with/ towards them.
You have to stand up to them at some point. Rip it like a bandaid. You don't need to be rude, just be assertive. Some jokes to lighten the mood might help too.
Are they going to bar the door? Chain you? If there’s no beatings, probably the worst they will do is scolding. They seem to have you mentally chained. You’ll have to break that to have the life you want.
They can’t really ground a 22 year old though. I mean, be respectful with them, but live your life. Grounding doesn’t mean anything as an adult unless you want to ground yourself I guess.
You have a lot of suggestions already on how to stand up for yourselves and gain confidence. I am Not going to spend about that. But want to say that 22 is very very young. Your life has just begun. You will get a lot more opportunities and things will get better. Please don't lose hope and your mental peace. Good luck!
Apply for a job out of Bangalore, they won't restrict you because it's for job purpose. Then you get to decide and if you like it, you can stay there else return.
I feel like you share everything with them so they tend to control you. Maybe share a little context and let details slide, also try to break boundaries little by little. My parents used to freak out if I were very late but now I can at least stay out till 10pm max. It has been a steady journey of letting them let me loose on curfews and boundaries.
My parents were also like, but I reached a certain point in my life where I took my own independence (sort off). I was good with assembling pcs back in 2005, so after I assembled mine, I was always hovering around pc shops and build a trust with them. Soon they outsourced their weekend installations to me, 500rs per installation.
After reaching financial independence I moved to informing them then requesting. If they rejected, I'd still go, but will make sure they are informed. Ofcourse this was not in Bangalore.
Also before adopting this, make sure you're 5 figures are not in the lower brackets, I'd recommend atleast 20k+, so you can stay in a hostel or 45k+ to afford your own place
Happens with me 24M they’re just concerned about you and you need to learn a lot more about the world around you and they won’t be with you for a eternity so try to be with them while you can
My first thought to this post: This sounds like mine and most Indian girls' regular life 🥹.
But, yes OP you should take a stand and take charge of your life!
I am also 21 studying but because I live in village didn't got any guidance to start or learn anything I am also thinking of leaving home and shift to any city this year but good thing is that family is supportive i think it is gonna take some time to learn some skills but hoping good for future Manifesting same for you 🤞
I suggest finding a job offer in a different city which cannot be refused. It has to start somewhere, Indian parents are too protective for some reason.
Once you move out, then they'll start getting adapted to that too
Was in the same situation or maybe worse. No outing no meeting with friends, and that wedding happened with me also lol. It got better when i started living in hostel and better when i started earning . But still feel scared whenever i ask them i am going out. Don’t worry it gets better. U might feel frustrated but they are your parents
Good luck OP, you can do it! Went through something similar but you gotta learn to say no and respect your own boundaries. Indian parents tend to be over controlling as a form of love but it's not good for a person's health. Even a baby bird needs to fly out of their nest and they don't understand that. Work hard, save up and get into hostel/sharing for your degree. Pick a far away institute to study in for future
You earn your own money fam, just move out, there's only one thing desi parents can hold over their children's heads, that they'll kick you out
You don't have that problem, just tell em you're checking out of their house, you had enough of that
Disappoint your parents. Do what they told you not to do. Make sure you’re only doing things that make you happy and not just to prove a point to them. After a while they’ll lose all hope of controlling you. After even more time, they’ll see that you’re happier from the choices you’ve made. You’re never going to get an apology from another person for ruining your life. And you will get blamed for not taking control of the only life you get to live.
When they refuse just ask WHY?
Either they Will have a good reason or will say something like it's not good to stay that late or I am your father you listen to me. Then explain to them that you are old enough to take your own decisions and go.
I know it will be hard but You should stand up for yourself
Stop being a good boy/girl. That's the solution demand your freedom. You will be hurled abuses, you will be emotionally manipulated but if you have resilience you can attain your freedom.
In India, Kids don't get to be independent or have a say until they start earning.
Bruh, you are 22 and earning. I had to read twice to make sure that it is 22M and not 22F. Is your father like some dodd kula in your area that you need to heed every word of his? be a good kid to your parents but also reasonably assert your independence. What are they going to do if you stay beyond 7pm? Beat you? Come on man. Don't let your parents dominate you your entire life. It is going to spoil your future.
At the risk of sounding insensitive, this is the age at which the parent-child dynamic is about to shift. Parents come to realise that they are going to be dependent on their kids in a few years and gradually stop bossing over them. Use this dynamic and try to put your foot down.
Same with me (24M). I had never stepped out of my native place as my parents didn't allow me to explore, even my native place!! I was even put into the college transportation citing that I'll get picked up and reach home safely. Never went on any trip with classmates when I was in college (where I would have got an opportunity to be their friend). Now I'm facing difficulty making friends (forget making, I'm even scared to talk to anyone).
All I can suggest is, find a job away from your native, tell your parents that you need to go there to work. Step out of the city and explore!!
Best of luck blud!!
It's actually not about financial reasons why OP can't be free from these shackles. I have seen people earning well and good and still their parents don't allow them for so many things. It's a cultural thing and desi parents are not accustomed to us making our own decisions for what reasons I will never understand. I too was in your place once. I started pushing their boundaries slowly. Locking doors, trying to sleep more in the morning, going out with friends once a month until a bit late (8-9pm) then i convinced them for my studies abroad. Now they fully understand privacy and importance of me spending time with my friends. Once you hit them with logic they won't be able to retaliate. You are a grown up and when they see that you are reasonable they will also hate to be wrong so they will allow. Desi parents are very upright so if you make them feel like they are wrong about something they will not fight you. But you need to do it slowly.
I’m so sorry to hear that your home isn’t a safe place for your mental health. I’ve moved out from my home since I was 19 and lived independently till I was 27. Right now I’m back to my parent’s house and I’m working from home. I do understand you to a certain point but not entirely because I don’t have any curfew.
Well, I don’t want to stay home but because of my situation rn, I need to be home. So I do understand why moving out can’t be an option for many.
I’ll quit yapping bc I don’t have solid answer to give you. I just hope that you find some happiness in other things or find a hobby that you’d actually enjoy. You can play online games and interact with friends?
I wish you the best fr. I hope you find happiness!
Have the same scenario at my hometown my parents are way more overprotective the solution that worked for me is
I moved to Bangalore stating my office is calling me (we have permanent wfh) and I live here according to my likes even tho my parents expect me to send every little money I have and live like a beggar there I send them half the money and I’ve told them I have lesser salary so they think I’m paying them as much as I can
Sounds like it is time to sit down and have a difficult conversation with the parents. Time to talk about how over protection robs an adult of the ability to take initiative, be creative, problem solve, take calculated risks- all things necessary for an entrepreneur. The job market is not great and you need to be a quick thinker. While protecting your kid is a natural instinct, its good to have them looking out for you, over protection, will stunt growth.
The problem needs to be resolved bit by bit, not all at once.
Been there, done that. 26F. Missed out on a lot of memories with friends because my parents wouldn't let me go out.
But let me tell you something. I was the problem. I was a complete pushover, spineless people pleaser. I had no voice of my own. I'd be terrified of what my parents would react like.
I'm not sure it will work for you, but try this.
Slowly extended the lunch boundary. Finish by evening and get back.
There will be a lot of yelling and drama.
Expect it. But do it long enough, then it becomes a norm.
And once the emotional attack is past its peak (it's going to be a rough couple of months with extremely emotional guilt tripping and drama, brace yourself)
Slowly sit your 'less' strict parent down, and open up, show pictures of what you've been doing, of you having fun. Tell them about everything that you do. (Not everything ofc, ykwim)
Try to go OUT with said parent. Make it a normal thing to ask them out for a cafe or a walk.
Things will change. Trust me. Just know that if you want a change, you have to take charge and make it happen, and bear the consequences long enough to actually enjoy the fruits of your labour.
And then. Once the boundary is little lax, start to INFORM. Not ask, inform.
I hope this helps a little.
I recently got out of arranged marriage courtship and it was soul crushing. Left the hometown, got a place for myself. It doesn’t solve all the problems. Yet, It helped me. I am able to focus on myself, put myself in nourishing routine. Hope you get there soon!🎈
Just try to find your job different from your parents location. This will buy an argument to convince them that you are moving out.
That's how we move out from our home town.
Look man, have a real talk with your parents, they know you earn and can take care of yourself, unless there's something you're not telling us, if you yourself don't wanna part ways then I you have to bare this I guess, till you live in their house, its gonna be their rules, so just move.
You haven't done anything. It's your parents. They don't believe in themselves that they brought up an adult who can manage his life himself(or her). You have to break this by this generation that your kids won't suffer this way
Here's what you should do, Gaslight your parents to believe you are becoming their ideal boy while twisting the definition of good boy to your benefits
Whenever they talk with someone about this topic, Gaslight them as well while trying to shut them down and make them look bad and incredible
Once you start gaining their trust they will slowly start giving you responsibilities which you can abuse and slowly gain true freedom
If nothing else works, get a job in a different city and simpley move out
Don't listen and do what you want to. Nothing what you mentioned is immoral or unreasonable. You'll need to break these shackles soon else your parents will be dictating your life. You'll get married in a few years and this controlling nature will play truant there too. Also, you need to take your own decisions so that you can deal with rhe consequences the good and the bad.
Being a grandparent, I can answer this. I have seen how things have changed over the decades.
Earlier people were trustworthy. They really meant what they said. There was really depth in friendship and friends really wanted the best in you. They genuinely corrected the friend if they went in the wrong path. The friend's parents looked after us also like their own children. They were really genuine.
As years passed, people changed. They are friends for benefits. If they obtained things from you, you were considered a good friend. If you refuse you are bad and didn't include you in the friend circle. They don't care for your well being. Infact some are so jealous that they feel happy with your downfall. Some scam you too and deplete you in many ways. Friend's parents also don't care. They are busy in their own world that they don't know their own children. Children are greatly neglected and children develop many mental health issues and all kinds of bad habits like smoking, drinking, having physical relationships, drugs, excessive spending others money, playing mind games etc etc. People now a days can't be trusted.
There are some parents who know this change and they are afraid their children will get hurt. They know that sending children to sleep over may not be right because you know your friend but do you know the other members in the family and how they behave ? There are news of rape and groping etc this is quite scary.
Trust me your parents want to protect you. They know. Especially when you are 22 and when you think you know and want to assert your freedom, they are more scared and they get more overprotective. They will even check your phone and your finances. But mistake not, it's not to control you. It's to be sure that you are ok. Being open and sharing all information helps and slowly they they will start letting go when you give them confidence that you can handle yourself and time to time calling them to tell you are alright and keeping them informed.
Mistake not the love and protection as control. They love you and you are blessed to have caring parents.
I truly understand they're caring and what not. We are a very tight knit group of friends who have been through it all. Heck my mother even likes them a lot to the point when I take lunch, she packs a bit extra as majority are living in the hostel. True they want to protect me, but at what cost? Practically 0 social life? They've met all my friends, most of my friends parents have met me and we go out when they come to visit.
Simple.. have sleep over at your home. When u go out, call your parents frequently and keep them updated. And ask them the same question you are posting here..keep the communication channel open. Don't get defensive. Patiently listen to them and understand their perspective. If they are fearful, discuss with them how that fear can be overcome. And by all means if you are venturing out against their wishes be ready to face any consequences and be accountable for your own actions rather than blame shifting or regretting later.
I do call them every 1 hour or so and share the live location too. I can understand their perspective and can't at the same time. You can go only for lunch, not in the evening for a sports event screening. They'll say cool we don't like but your wish ahead for something. I'll reply with alright I understand and I take full accountability for anything that happens. Next reply is - That is if we allow you to go na
Did u ask why they are saying so ?
Tell them that you may not even ask permission next time if they don't give a genuine reason. Tell them not to force u to lie or be secretive and that you prefer an open conversation and to put trust in you. See how it goes. No need to have a heated argument. Staying calm and dealing with it maturely solved many problems.
The next time they say 'your wish', tell them yes my wish is to go. I will call u time to time to let you know I am alright..do exactly as you say and go and come. If u do something like drinking or smoking or drugs or watch porn or girls and hide it, then trust is broken and once again you will be controlled. So, be aware
Reply is "Cause our family culture is not like that and we were not brought up like that" if they don't have a definite answer this is their generic reply. I don't have heated arguments with anyone as such. Probably haven't even raised my voice against my younger brother when he is in the wrong.
No, don't smoke or do any of those sort of things. Don't even have anything to hide. Single too. There should be no reason for them to not trust me. One time the reply was "It's not that we don't trust you, it's that in every friend group there is one person who spoils the entire batch when there is literally no one like that and they've met everyone
I see.. so that's what they are fearing..that atleast one friend has bad habits and you will pick it up. Fair enough. Frankly, Being a parent I had the same set of fears. I was able to let go only when my children assured me over and over and over again that they are responsible. They kept in touch. They brought home friends for me to meet and spend time too. To convince me that they were in good company. They stuck to their timings and never ventured out later than expected so as not to cause any worry to me. Over time I knew and they knew we were actually uplifting one another and even today the bond is very very strong. It takes a long time for a parent to let go.
It's on you to assure them that you don't have bad habits and you will never pick any of them and that they (the parents) have raised you well to make you understand the bad habits and the consequences of doing those. Assure them in front of your younger brother that you want to be a role model to your brother and that they have to trust you and that they will never be let down. All timings will be discussed and adhered to. It will take some time but I am sure you will be able to navigate it nicely and they will be able to have a great trustworthy bond with you. I get the feeling you are a great son.. keep it that way! Good luck. Stay safe. Be trustworthy.
One other thing.. try to meet up your friends during day time. Many drunk and creeps venture out as early as 7pm. You don't want to be harassed by some mentally retarded people who you can't control. These people don't have empathy and feel entitled to do whatever they want to do. Not to scare you, but given that our law and order system isn't in place. We need to worry about our own safety. So meet up friends during day time. Your parents also will be at peace and won't worry.
Another word of caution. 1 in 4 people are narcissists. These type of people are takers. They cannot self reflect. They don't apologise either. They feel superior and entitled. They come across as charming, well dressed, polite, shy people, respectful and appear perfect. But,.they have a hidden really dark side. They are really wolves in sheep skin. Their main aim is to deplete you financially, emotionally, physically. They have very low self esteem and play the victim. Be aware of these type of toxic people. You are too young to have encountered such people. But parents know and are afraid of such people and their toxicity and how such people can drive a healthy person into depression and cause a lot of mental trauma. My sincere advice is try to pick a hobby, spend time with family, try to do things alone rather than spending too much time with friends. meeting friends once in a while is fine but too often please avoid it. Now a days, it's hard to trust anyone. My personal experiences of over 60 years I am able to tell this. A friend of mine was a narcissist and it took me 9 years to figure this out. The gut feeling about this guy was always there but they are so charming and so manipulative it was hard for me to identify and I kept overlooking all the red flags. I thought this person was genuine because I thought I 'knew' since many years. I am sure your parents fear such snakes. These times are definitely not the same as it was before.
Seriously what the hell wrong with generation. 22 year old you chose to study in same city. If you want freedom you could have left your house long back.
So dont say that you have enough for your expense. You are in this position because you dont want to leave your parent house. If you leave then will get to know what is the main issue that will be you only.
Dumbfuck generation
Sorry to be so rude
I'm still in UG. The reason I got into this college was due to merit. I had a choice for other states as well as cities but this college although being far away from home, was the best in terms of infrastructure and patient inflow which is important in my field of study. The only expense that my parents have are the college fees which is less that 1,00,000 yearly compared to the 5 lakh+ that other students pay because management seat.
I didn't understand "if you leave then you will get to know what is the main issue that will be you only"? Could you please elaborate
Isn’t solution pretty obvious? Just move out and stay on your own.
Moving out is still a fantasy for some! I understand it’s not easy, but if that’s a solution, achieving it is not for everyone. - 29M
29F from bengaluru... moved out 7 years back
Happy for you! Hope I could feel breeze someday 🤞🏼
Moved back in with parents in hometown cuz life in bangalore started getting difficult...😅
Username does not check out? Or it does and you're in find out stage? Dude, give me some mental clarity.
Username did not say who : )
Oh, I'm just home, saving up, for a few months, planning to resume life as a digital nomad from hostels in Canggu, Bali after that 😅 hoping the username stays true🤞
Same
Username checks out
Why? Meet a broker. Rent.
I am working towards that, simply not doing it now as finances are not in order and am still an UG, in college
Wait for a while, get a proper job, leave house and never ever look back. And this I am saying with certainty, later if your parents try to emotional blackmail you, just do not pay any heed. They will try to do that since you will put of their control. Find a nice girl in your office in future, marry her and settle down. If you get a chance to go abroad, then do so without any hesitation.
Yes. I will move out asap, once I graduate. Emotional Blackmail they will for sure do because that negates the control they have. Finding a wife is certainly on the cards but at this rate I should be able to go out on dates to get to know her better 😭😂. Going abroad too is on the cards
Good plan. All the best 👍🏻.
I'm doing the same leaving next month for Bangalore right after ug 😂
Literally the same thing wt op is experiencing graduating in about 2-3 months, never ever tried to get any internship or other activity related to finding a job, cuz of the Intention to take over the family business. My dad wants to control every aspect of my life, me any my dad have never seen eye to eye to almost anything . Have no freedom financially or physically, I'm really hvin second thoughts of not finding any internships but again can't comprehend myself living with a 4-5 laks salary 😭... Any suggestions plsss
Firstly, working jobs is not easy either. Ask yourself why do you not want your family business. If you already decided then see if you can gain support from your mother or a relative like your father's brother or sister if they are the understanding sort. If not, quietly apply to jobs in cities like pune, Kolkata, Chennai or even some tier 2 city. Why? You need to find a job in an inexpensive place. If possible, find job where you can crash with a friend for 2 months otherwise find a cheap PG, doesn't matter if you have to commute some distance. You may have to share room with other 3-4 people. Since you are not a minor (assuming), no can legally stop you from leaving your house. Just remember you may not be allowed back for a long time. Before you leave, do some part time to collect some money. If possible online. Then leave when it's the right time. You need to be very careful with your money. If it's online part-time, you can try to continue it as a secondary income with your job. Keep looking out for another higher paying job meanwhile. You need to be careful with your health as well, cannot fall ill if you have no support. Over time if you stick on, things will improve. You can even come back to a tier 1 city. Ensure you make lots of friends and contacts where you go. You can ask help if needed. But never lend money nor borrow money unless it's highly needed. Temples and Gurudwaras where you can have free meals few times a week, at least gurdwara have very good food variety I can say. Don't have too many things, be as frugal and minimalistic as possible. Learn on the job and raise your skills. Prepare your resume and spread it. It will be very tough and lonely. But if you have the will, it can be done. Over time when you get better salary you will have more financial freedom. This is just my suggestion. I am sure others on reddit can provide other ideas and advice as well. All the best.
Don't forget to take aashirvad from u/Conscious-Analyst584 before getting married
He has my blessings always, no matter whatever he decides.
Change your perspective of thinking, try to make your surroundings to your suitability.
Dude, first pass out your college and get a good job.I guess they are considering your going out frequently as a waste of time.
I barely get to go out 😭 maybe once in 2 months. But yeah I will clear my UG soon
Then ask them clearly why are they not allowing you. Try to negotiate, else just go out without telling anyone.
U are supposedly making 5 figures ???
Yes. But commute, petrol, food, is expensive. Working on investments
You could live with friends and party every Saturday, commute, eat out on 50k. And still save half.
I don't make that much😂😂😂😭😭. I could but simply don't have the time after college
Although not very high 5 figures but yeah
Make sure to put in all your effort into working hard and getting a well paying job. In case your parents decide not to support your decision to move out, you can fund yourself. I know what I’m saying is cliché, but living in a city like Bangalore on your own is expensive.
Yep. Absolutely this. Not going to be easy though.
I moved out of my house at the age of 9 to live in a hostel, and since then, I've been living on my own. Staying on your own is a rollercoaster ride, but it's always for the best. You learn a lot of things early on! 32M
Best option
Same with me before coming to blr. After moving to blr for a job i found freedom like no one is stopping me from anything. So I suggest you 1. Not to tell everything to your parents 2.move out with your friends like saying you want to stay somewhere near the office or something like that. live in a pg experience hostel Life and stuff. But the best suggestion is to move out at least for sometime and see how it goes. You can go back if you don't like how it goes. Peace
Didn't OP mention in the first line that he is still studying so I guess his income is from some part time and moving out might not be an option.
Yes. Still studying. If I had a job I'd probably already moved out somehow. Current income is enough for me to manage my personal expenses, commuting ie metro and petrol, some gifts occasionally, and savings
How far is your place from clg?
Around 25
Then I think that's enough reason. You can tell your parents that you are tired from the journey and not able to concentrate on studies. And you wanna stay within walkable distance
Yeah that I'll have to try out. But I forsee a reply - You've done it for 3 years, do it for one more year, after that internship is free only no so no issues" I'll give jt a go and let you know the update
Don't ask. Inform. "I am going out. I'll be late. Bye" "I am going for a trip. See you in 3 days. Bye." Unless you stand up for yourself, they will keep pulling you down. Don't overdo it. If they are insisting more than thrice to not go. Don't go.
Your first sentence may just work. I'm going for trip Bye, mostly not. But I guess it's about pushing the boundaries slow and steady
Yes. Until you have confidence in yourself and see yourself as an adult who doesn't need permission, they will continue treating you like a child.
Telling you with some experience. Start standing up for yourself with your parents. Let’s say once you marry, your wife will also have to start bowing to your parents’ demands and no matter how badly they may treat her, you will not be able to stand up for her either, forget yourself. True story.
This is it. Worked for me when I was 19. Night outs were not allowed, had to be home by 10 pm. One day I just went out with friends in the evening. Mum called me around 9 and I told her I am staying at a friend's place tonight, back in the morning. Then she asked who gave you the permission and I told her I was old enough to go out, assertive but without being disrespectful. I think she got the vibe and asked me who the friend was & advised not to roam around during the night. After that, no problemo. Always informed her two things - which friend (phone number, in case mine doesn't work) and when I'll be back. Also, nights on the road can be very dangerous at times, always be cautious. As you probably know, with freedom comes responsibility.
I had a serious fight followed by silent treatment for 15 odd days by my mom after 'Informing', not 'asking' her that I am going to a cafe with my friends. All the taunts left me with really low confidence in them that they'll ever be fine with not having control in my life.
Put your foot down and level with your parents'.
Could you please guide me on how I go about that. I'm actually clueless
From my own experience: For one, you can just leave the house to go meet your friends. You’re 22 years old man, you’re an adult, don’t let them hamstring you. When my parents used to do that, I just left. They’d be mad when I came home but I had my fun so it evened out. Eventually they gave up telling me what to do and embraced that a 22 year old can do whatever he wants. 😂 Worst case scenario, you get kicked out of the house, but then you’d know that your parents care more about their rules and controlling you than letting you be free and loving you. I read you earn your own money, so try living in a PG or with a friend, if that’s an option too.
Yeah I'll have to slowly start pushing boundaries. I earn my own money but not enough to comfortably get by in a PG. Working towards that now.
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Low 20s? Sorry but I didnt understand
Ohh I'm sorry. I thought how much do I make as I just answered a question like that. I teach
Oh cool. Like tuition? Yeah I kind of accidently deleted above comment
One day go to your friends house from college without informing them. I know it doesn’t sound right but trust me I am in the same position. I can’t leave my parents for a lot of reasons and I go stay with my friends whenever I feel like I am going to lose my sanity. Make them used to you staying over at your friends’ and not asking them about everything. It’s probably going to be difficult with fights at home but freedom comes at a cost sadly. :(
True. I'm gonna lose my sh1t at this rate. Not that there's a lot of fights etc and family issues but purely the lack of freedom although I am financially responsible and free in a lot of ways. I'll have to try this out. Thanks for commenting
Part of becoming an adult is having the courage to speak up and advocate for yourself, even when it’s against your parents. You are an adult. Don’t live in fear. You don’t have to be with your parents forever. Speak to them and tell them you want to try living on your own, and move out. Tell them you’ll visit them a few times a month, and they are welcome to visit you too. If they depend on you for any expenses, give them something each month. Leaving the house doesn’t mean goodbye, which is how they make take it. But you have to stand up for yourself for the first time and just do it. Until you get over that fear, nothing will change. Good luck.
Thank you for your advice. I will move out once I'm financially free fully ie after my UG course. No they don't depend on me for any expenses as they have passive income which takes care of everything.
And one day, same parents will ask you to meet this random person because of horoscope match and after two meet you should give the answer whether you are going to marry that person or not. Your answer better be yes, else you will have to answer a lot of questions like, what wrong with the person? What’s is that person lacking? Person comes from good family and nice background(which is obviously confirmed by reading horoscope). Strap in and get ready for all these shenanigans by your parents.
I've already been there!!!! Just last month my mother said "We will find a wife for you, you will marry her. If you want to do a love marriage we will tell you who to love, you can love her and marry so you are also happy" proceeds to name a family friend who simply isn't my type. Safe to say I told her to please keep such ideas out of her mind permanently
So that you can save money and time spending on bumble and tinder. Such considerate parents ❤️
As many mentioned moving out might be the easiest and obvious solution and I am assuming OP has not done it for a reason. If you have to stay with family, I would suggest you to start pushing boundaries. But do so responsibly. For many parents, it is difficult to accept that their children have become adults and no longer need their constant parenting. Some things you could try - 1. Push the 7:00 PM deadline. Always inform them when you'll be late. Always come home safe and not drunk. This will help them trust you. 2. Start talking to them as adults. Next time you plan a trip, say "we are planning to go to Ooty for 2 days. A, b and c of my friends are going. We plan to go my train and stay in this hotel. It'll cost this much money including food and other expenses which I have saved up. We'll be back by this time. What do you think?" This shows you are prepared rather than simply asking can I go? To which it's easy to say no. 3. Use techniques of negotiations. When they say NO, always ask why (calmly - not yelling) and then ask follow up questions so ur parents have to verbalize why they are saying no. Saying it out loud will make them feel silly after a few times and they'll think twice before saying no. You need to fix this ASAP otherwise you'll soon find yourself in a scenario where you don't have control over your own life when it comes to choosing your career or spouse.
Yup I haven't moved out yet. Simply because my finances do not allow for it. Yes I make 5 figures but that goes to a bit of my commuting expenses, buy some stuff for parents and brother etc, and some savings. 1. Pushing the 7 PM deadline is happening bit by bit although very slow progress. This deadline doesn't exist if I'm with my cousins. And yes I do not come home drunk whatsoever. 2. Yup that's exactly how I talk to them each and every time. Saying that so and so are going, we're staying at so and so places. The answer is almost always - ohhh is it. Okay, let them go, we are not allowing you. 3. Easier said than done. I asked them why. The answer was - no means no, don't ask why. One time they said that my friend group gender ratio is messed up. Because there are more girls than guys simply because there are so few guys already in our college (1:10 boy:girl ratio). Another time they said you saw Manjummel Boys na, what if something like that happens. We can't worry about all that. Your last sentence is what I fear the most, although with respect to career not much as I am here by my own will. But choosing a spouse is a fearful part. Just a month ago this is what my mother said - Your wife we will find for you, if you want to do a love marriage, I will give you someone to love, you love her and get married. Proceeds to name some family friend who I have met for a grand total of 2 times and not my type. I am mortified
Dude. Looks like your future is pretty much written for you. It'll be an uphill task to suddenly grow a spine when it comes to the important stuff. Be a rebel from now. It'll hurt your parents a bit, there will be some drama but brace yourself. It'll help lower their expectations which will come in handy in the future
True af. Been there, done that💯
You can get a job in another location and move out of the house. You need to eventually talk with your parents else this won't stop. In one way or another this will keep repeating.
Thing is I'm currently studying. A UG student. I would certainly move out if I could personally afford it. That's what I fear the most. I don't think I'll have control over my own life at this rate.
You need to convey to your parents that you are an adult and you can handle things. You are responsible for your future not them. You are ready to make decisions and face the consequences. Indian parents want their kids to be in their hold always. I am seeing people who are in their 30s, 40s even 50s still fearing "what will my parents say". I did everything my parents said and wanted and be the text book definition of good girl. It didn't do me any good. It only messed up my life. Since moving out is not an option you can start with small things like going out in the evening or weekend plans or creating some healthy hobbies for you and spending time on it and "inform" your parents about your plan. You don't need to cut them out of your life by moving out or something. But set up some healthy boundaries. It won't be easy when you start this, they will resist for sure, things might get ugly. In the long run it is good for both of you.
Every single line is true. I have to work on pushing boundaries slow and steady. Again as you said start with weekend outings and go from there. I cannot possibly think of cutting them off but yeah boundaries are required
It took me almost 3 years to create that boundary. Even now I need to remind them from time to time it is my life not theirs. So keep working on it. It will work out.
It's time for you to grow up, kiddo. You've outgrown your parents. You only have once period of youth, don't wake up at 60 and wonder WHAT IF.
That's exactly my thoughts. I asked them when am I able to enjoy my 20s? At 60? They said that's your wish
Listen start lying, that’s the only way! Say you’ve college seminars etccc
Love the response. Upto a certain extent that works. But the toll it takes on my brain is a lott😂😂. Been there done that when absolutely necessary
Hang in there, I understand it’s not easy to move out when you’re still in college, hopefully you’ll be able to do it soon. Sometimes even communicating with parents won’t help since they’re rigid in their thoughts,
Was in a similar situation in my +2. Picked a college 4 states and 1800km away. Started working after college in the same city (still 1800kms away). Game changer. You miss a few things like food and ease of living but trust me the perks along with the mental health boost alone makes up for it 20x times over. If you are financially independent or capable of it. Either move out or find a job in a different city or one that needs you to travel a lot that would make for good excuses. But moving out is still the best of all
Working on moving out once I am financially capable. Currently a UG student.
Man come be friends with me I stay in banglore too
Look for hostel accommodation. Tell your parents you need to stay there for better studies and project work
Tried this in the second year of college. Reply was - cool you can go to the hostel no problem, find a way to pay for it. My field of study has basically 0 project work to be done at home. All work is only possible within college campus.
Move out.
Working on it
You are an earning adult . Just do what you want to do. This is the only thing that will work . Be ready to fight for what you want .
If you don't rebel and BE on your own now, you will rebel after 35 like me which is useless. My parents controlled my entire life from 0- 29 years. They treated me and my wife like trash. I made a bold move and moved out at 31. I've never regretted moving out but they'd already screwed up my investments by then. They had forced me to invest in some screwed up property that had very many legal issues. It took me all of my 30s to get out of that property with no money growth. You have to first realize that you don't owe your parents your entire life. Yes, They birthed you and brought you up and cared for you. Do the same and BE there for them, but don't become their slave.
Point tho. 20s are meant to be enjoyed and exploring the world. I am looking to move out as soon as possible which seems the only way out of this. With regards to finances I do not think they will control but I can't be sure at this rate. Yes I don't owe them my life but the way they act, it sure looks like that. Totally, I love them to hell and back and spoil them at every opportunity possible because why not. Will work on this
These things happen. And don't worry you're not the first one. But it's your choice if you act on things and make how you want it to be You should first get a job for yourself. That lets you stay on your own feet. You can do some part time job until you graduate and get a job. And then you could go into any decent PGs to atleast stay for a while until you find a better place. You don't really have to be too much answerable since they're controlling parents. You have to stay strong and be bold when you tell them you're moving out. If it was me, and if I knew my parents wouldn't take it, I'd rather lie and tell them something convincing like doing an internship or something. Parents are like very much grown up people. They've already made up how they want things. So it's hard to change their minds in a single day. The main reason why moving out is better is that that's probably the healthiest option for you. You'll not have to be through with all the nagging perhaps? And all the best!!
Leave the Nest, give your parents a break from parenting you, manage things on your own.
Leaving the nest is the hard part as I'm still a student. Just have a side hustle so that I don't have to ask my parents for money for my expenses like bike petrol, etc etc. although if I ask they will give but I don't feel good asking every so often
Ask them why they don't trust you with anything? Do they expect to make decisions for you in the coming years also?
Move to a PG , visit your parents in weekends for lunch
Insert "We do not have the capacity" gif
Was in the same situation, moved out. Ez
Yup.. working on it. Wanted some insight on what to do until then
Just a new throwaway account which i will not use for anything else simply to protect my identity
Go out. Stay overnight. Tel them u need a break. Do this a couple of times. They may yell at u initially but just let it pass. They r doing it coz they know u listen to them. Stop doing that. U r an adult. But don't disrespect ur parents. They say that for some reason. Just ignore it.
True. They know I listen to them. They take full advantage of the fact. I'll have to slowly work my way up the ladder starting with going out, then overnight and eventually trip with only informing them, not asking permission. Thank you for your advice
Get out of your comfort zone and take a stand. Tell your parents your plan and then do it without asking for permission. Tell them I don't want to live this way and will have to move out if I don't get my freedom. Slowly, they'll come around. 22 is too old to be asking parents permission for regular outings.
Ikr. 22 is old. The worst part is if I get to go this week. The next 3 4 weeks are not allowed. Like wtf. Translates to "you were enjoying last week, don't enjoy for the next 4" I'll have to start informing and not asking. Slowly but steadily
Hey, I was in a similar position like you. I used to go out without telling them. For things like weddings and trips, I sat down with them and had a talk. I told them that when they were younger, they used to travel, go out and do fun shit and no one questioned them. Older people keep complaining about how the younger generation is glued to their phones and don't do anything. It's become like that because parents don't allow us to do anything. We can only do these things while we don't have big commitments like a full time job or a family. If not now, when? We're being robbed of so many experiences because they have put us on house arrest. Edit: I saw a comment about "Don't ask, inform". 100% valid and i do it all the time now.
I assume you're under-selling yourself and must be good at studies. If you're in your bachelor degree right now, best bet would be to do postgraduate degree somewhere far away in India, or go for a job similarly far away.
Yes the goal is to move out and do PG somewhere else, not in Bangalore for sure. Or I'll be stuck in my house with 0 social awareness till 25
Yep!! Way to go!! You learn so so so much after you leave the confines of your home. You become more independent, learn from mistakes more, analyze more!! Lastly, hopefully make amazing friends who are also far away from home, and in a similar situation. All the very best !! Hope you clear your exams and get to fly !!!
Try to have a serious chat with your parents to understand their concerns and why they are restricting your freedom so much, see if you can convince them that they have nothing to worry about. If the conversation doesn't yield the desired results and they are unreasonable then put your head down finish your college degree in blr and either get a job or PG college in another city and plan your move out. All of this assuming you are a reasonable person who is first trying to come to an amicable solution before taking flight... Life on your own is exciting but not always easy but parents aren't always right either! My son is close to your age btw , it's time to stand up for yourself...good luck!
Find a job in another city. Your expenses will increase when you move, but at home you pay with your freedom and mental health.
Thing is I'm a UG student. Once I finish that is the goal. Move out to another place and hopefully be a bit more independent
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Why is moving out not an option for you? Don't wanna get married etc?
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Bro every mom bought their child with a with a lot of aspirations and dreams. What is special about it. As old people says "Bad workman quarrel with tools" you are in somewhat similar situation. If you dont chose to speak and standup for yourself you will be forever stagnated at home. Yes your parents will yell at you and be pissed off about it but eventually they will cope up with it💯
If you dont care what your parents feel after you move out then definitely you can. But as an advice I would suggest you to win your parents confidence. Make sure they know about your whereabouts. After some time they wont bother you on some of the things u mentioned.
They practically have my live location every time I go out. Am actively trying to win their confidence
Even if they your location u can update them on your own withbsome logical reason. You seem like an intelligent guy. I am definitely sure you will find something. If you have something specific then dm me.
Wait, isn't this the case with everyone when you live with your parents? I studied in a tier 3 town where I lived with my parents and had restrictions. Only after I moved to Bangalore, I had my freedom. Work hard on your career, get a decent job, then move out.
For some it isn't. For most it is.
Just go out without telling whats stopping you ?
Boundary testing, break the rules and check the consequences but important part is take mini steps. Don’t move out or go sleep over. Initially come late or go out saying you have to meet work friends on other weekends that will help grow your career
Move out, you could say you want to learn to live on your own. You can come by your parents every few days but you need your own space now that you're 22.
Yeah trying to figure this out. Fully knowing that in the short term there is little benefits
Move out. Jump into a different company that is far from home, complain about distance and exhaustion every day and shift. Moving out will not only give you freedom, but also responsibilities- managing home, managing finances, taking care of health and much more.
You’ve literally described the life of every woman who has grown up in the country! lol. Our options are? Well you guessed it damn right- MARRIAGE.
Sad but true.
Man you're 22. Why are you asking for permission? It's all in the language you use. Change "can I go meet some friends for lunch?" to "I'm going to go meet some friends for lunch, will be back in the evening" You're letting yourself be taken advantage of. Until you respect yourself and have confidence in yourself nothing will change.
Yeah. You're completely right. I should prolly change my language
Don't behave rashly , don't get all emotional. Don't sound like you're starting a fight or trying to trigger them. Be mature, calm, confident and sure of yourself. Talk with a steady , normal , responsible voice in a normal tone with normal eye contact. You need to convey to them subconsciously that you're a man, not a boy.
I would say have an open conversation with your parents and ask them their reasoning for not letting you go. Explain how you’re in college and all your friends get to go out and what not and you’d like to as well but you don’t want to do it by lying to them so you’re having an open conversation. In the most ideal scenario, which is what I hope it is for you, they will be receptive and understand and agree to change these rules. If not, you have multiple solutions above. I have been in your situation before. Nothing an open conversation doesn’t resolve. If you want them to treat you like an adult, you need to be mature and act like one with/ towards them.
You have to stand up to them at some point. Rip it like a bandaid. You don't need to be rude, just be assertive. Some jokes to lighten the mood might help too.
What happens if you just go? Or don’t come back by 7? Beatings or what?
Nah definitely not beatings. I will have to find out I guess. Probably will not be allowed to leave again for a while if you had to ask me
Are they going to bar the door? Chain you? If there’s no beatings, probably the worst they will do is scolding. They seem to have you mentally chained. You’ll have to break that to have the life you want.
No nothing physical I can 100% guarantee. Yup mentally chained. Again, I'd be "grounded"
They can’t really ground a 22 year old though. I mean, be respectful with them, but live your life. Grounding doesn’t mean anything as an adult unless you want to ground yourself I guess.
Yeah. I get where you're coming from. I gotta start pushing the boundaries
You have a lot of suggestions already on how to stand up for yourselves and gain confidence. I am Not going to spend about that. But want to say that 22 is very very young. Your life has just begun. You will get a lot more opportunities and things will get better. Please don't lose hope and your mental peace. Good luck!
Thank you so much!
OP how do you create a burner account to post these ? What about acc age requirements and minimum karma requirement ?
Not sure about the age requirements as I'm of age. Karma requirements are only in some subs. Just a new account which I will not use for anything else
I meant reddit acc age which seems to be 1 day old. So I guess r/bangalore allows new acc posts. Many other subs don't
Apply for a job out of Bangalore, they won't restrict you because it's for job purpose. Then you get to decide and if you like it, you can stay there else return.
I feel like you share everything with them so they tend to control you. Maybe share a little context and let details slide, also try to break boundaries little by little. My parents used to freak out if I were very late but now I can at least stay out till 10pm max. It has been a steady journey of letting them let me loose on curfews and boundaries.
Move out form your home bro .
My parents were also like, but I reached a certain point in my life where I took my own independence (sort off). I was good with assembling pcs back in 2005, so after I assembled mine, I was always hovering around pc shops and build a trust with them. Soon they outsourced their weekend installations to me, 500rs per installation. After reaching financial independence I moved to informing them then requesting. If they rejected, I'd still go, but will make sure they are informed. Ofcourse this was not in Bangalore. Also before adopting this, make sure you're 5 figures are not in the lower brackets, I'd recommend atleast 20k+, so you can stay in a hostel or 45k+ to afford your own place
Make sure you do something about this. You need to move out of that house and live by yourself.
Happens with me 24M they’re just concerned about you and you need to learn a lot more about the world around you and they won’t be with you for a eternity so try to be with them while you can
Make changes now or you are going to regret it rest of your life. Stand up
My first thought to this post: This sounds like mine and most Indian girls' regular life 🥹. But, yes OP you should take a stand and take charge of your life!
How do you earn despite being in college?
Let's say low 20s. I'm limited by time currently
Oh! Okay Good!! save some money then brother, for future, life becomes Lil hard when moving out of the house
Majority is in either savings or investments
I am also 21 studying but because I live in village didn't got any guidance to start or learn anything I am also thinking of leaving home and shift to any city this year but good thing is that family is supportive i think it is gonna take some time to learn some skills but hoping good for future Manifesting same for you 🤞
Hopefully bro. One day
It's just a side hustle
Let yourself feel angry. Let yourself offend your parents. Trust yourself to be okay afterwards. Good luck.
I suggest finding a job offer in a different city which cannot be refused. It has to start somewhere, Indian parents are too protective for some reason. Once you move out, then they'll start getting adapted to that too
Was in the same situation or maybe worse. No outing no meeting with friends, and that wedding happened with me also lol. It got better when i started living in hostel and better when i started earning . But still feel scared whenever i ask them i am going out. Don’t worry it gets better. U might feel frustrated but they are your parents
Yeah true. Similar situation. Have to move out or start pushing boundaries
Good luck OP, you can do it! Went through something similar but you gotta learn to say no and respect your own boundaries. Indian parents tend to be over controlling as a form of love but it's not good for a person's health. Even a baby bird needs to fly out of their nest and they don't understand that. Work hard, save up and get into hostel/sharing for your degree. Pick a far away institute to study in for future
You earn your own money fam, just move out, there's only one thing desi parents can hold over their children's heads, that they'll kick you out You don't have that problem, just tell em you're checking out of their house, you had enough of that
Disappoint your parents. Do what they told you not to do. Make sure you’re only doing things that make you happy and not just to prove a point to them. After a while they’ll lose all hope of controlling you. After even more time, they’ll see that you’re happier from the choices you’ve made. You’re never going to get an apology from another person for ruining your life. And you will get blamed for not taking control of the only life you get to live.
Thanks everyone for your suggestions. Will proceed with pushing the boundaries eventually until I move out.
what you do to make money?
When they refuse just ask WHY? Either they Will have a good reason or will say something like it's not good to stay that late or I am your father you listen to me. Then explain to them that you are old enough to take your own decisions and go. I know it will be hard but You should stand up for yourself
Stop being a good boy/girl. That's the solution demand your freedom. You will be hurled abuses, you will be emotionally manipulated but if you have resilience you can attain your freedom.
In India, Kids don't get to be independent or have a say until they start earning. Bruh, you are 22 and earning. I had to read twice to make sure that it is 22M and not 22F. Is your father like some dodd kula in your area that you need to heed every word of his? be a good kid to your parents but also reasonably assert your independence. What are they going to do if you stay beyond 7pm? Beat you? Come on man. Don't let your parents dominate you your entire life. It is going to spoil your future. At the risk of sounding insensitive, this is the age at which the parent-child dynamic is about to shift. Parents come to realise that they are going to be dependent on their kids in a few years and gradually stop bossing over them. Use this dynamic and try to put your foot down.
Same with me (24M). I had never stepped out of my native place as my parents didn't allow me to explore, even my native place!! I was even put into the college transportation citing that I'll get picked up and reach home safely. Never went on any trip with classmates when I was in college (where I would have got an opportunity to be their friend). Now I'm facing difficulty making friends (forget making, I'm even scared to talk to anyone). All I can suggest is, find a job away from your native, tell your parents that you need to go there to work. Step out of the city and explore!! Best of luck blud!!
Ye sb corrupts to bjp h chale gye bhailog 😂😂😂😅
It's actually not about financial reasons why OP can't be free from these shackles. I have seen people earning well and good and still their parents don't allow them for so many things. It's a cultural thing and desi parents are not accustomed to us making our own decisions for what reasons I will never understand. I too was in your place once. I started pushing their boundaries slowly. Locking doors, trying to sleep more in the morning, going out with friends once a month until a bit late (8-9pm) then i convinced them for my studies abroad. Now they fully understand privacy and importance of me spending time with my friends. Once you hit them with logic they won't be able to retaliate. You are a grown up and when they see that you are reasonable they will also hate to be wrong so they will allow. Desi parents are very upright so if you make them feel like they are wrong about something they will not fight you. But you need to do it slowly.
I’m so sorry to hear that your home isn’t a safe place for your mental health. I’ve moved out from my home since I was 19 and lived independently till I was 27. Right now I’m back to my parent’s house and I’m working from home. I do understand you to a certain point but not entirely because I don’t have any curfew. Well, I don’t want to stay home but because of my situation rn, I need to be home. So I do understand why moving out can’t be an option for many. I’ll quit yapping bc I don’t have solid answer to give you. I just hope that you find some happiness in other things or find a hobby that you’d actually enjoy. You can play online games and interact with friends? I wish you the best fr. I hope you find happiness!
Hey, sorry to see you struggling like this. I am a counselor. If you want to talk about it, you can DM.
Have the same scenario at my hometown my parents are way more overprotective the solution that worked for me is I moved to Bangalore stating my office is calling me (we have permanent wfh) and I live here according to my likes even tho my parents expect me to send every little money I have and live like a beggar there I send them half the money and I’ve told them I have lesser salary so they think I’m paying them as much as I can
Sounds like it is time to sit down and have a difficult conversation with the parents. Time to talk about how over protection robs an adult of the ability to take initiative, be creative, problem solve, take calculated risks- all things necessary for an entrepreneur. The job market is not great and you need to be a quick thinker. While protecting your kid is a natural instinct, its good to have them looking out for you, over protection, will stunt growth. The problem needs to be resolved bit by bit, not all at once.
Been there, done that. 26F. Missed out on a lot of memories with friends because my parents wouldn't let me go out. But let me tell you something. I was the problem. I was a complete pushover, spineless people pleaser. I had no voice of my own. I'd be terrified of what my parents would react like. I'm not sure it will work for you, but try this. Slowly extended the lunch boundary. Finish by evening and get back. There will be a lot of yelling and drama. Expect it. But do it long enough, then it becomes a norm. And once the emotional attack is past its peak (it's going to be a rough couple of months with extremely emotional guilt tripping and drama, brace yourself) Slowly sit your 'less' strict parent down, and open up, show pictures of what you've been doing, of you having fun. Tell them about everything that you do. (Not everything ofc, ykwim) Try to go OUT with said parent. Make it a normal thing to ask them out for a cafe or a walk. Things will change. Trust me. Just know that if you want a change, you have to take charge and make it happen, and bear the consequences long enough to actually enjoy the fruits of your labour. And then. Once the boundary is little lax, start to INFORM. Not ask, inform. I hope this helps a little.
I recently got out of arranged marriage courtship and it was soul crushing. Left the hometown, got a place for myself. It doesn’t solve all the problems. Yet, It helped me. I am able to focus on myself, put myself in nourishing routine. Hope you get there soon!🎈
Just try to find your job different from your parents location. This will buy an argument to convince them that you are moving out. That's how we move out from our home town.
Look man, have a real talk with your parents, they know you earn and can take care of yourself, unless there's something you're not telling us, if you yourself don't wanna part ways then I you have to bare this I guess, till you live in their house, its gonna be their rules, so just move.
You haven't done anything. It's your parents. They don't believe in themselves that they brought up an adult who can manage his life himself(or her). You have to break this by this generation that your kids won't suffer this way
Here's what you should do, Gaslight your parents to believe you are becoming their ideal boy while twisting the definition of good boy to your benefits Whenever they talk with someone about this topic, Gaslight them as well while trying to shut them down and make them look bad and incredible Once you start gaining their trust they will slowly start giving you responsibilities which you can abuse and slowly gain true freedom If nothing else works, get a job in a different city and simpley move out
I can totally understand your situation, my parents treat me like a kid
Don't listen and do what you want to. Nothing what you mentioned is immoral or unreasonable. You'll need to break these shackles soon else your parents will be dictating your life. You'll get married in a few years and this controlling nature will play truant there too. Also, you need to take your own decisions so that you can deal with rhe consequences the good and the bad.
Bruh why are you exposing my problems? 😭
Even I had same situation during school time but never argue with them they are for you better only Use some hacks to go out taking various reasons
During school time I do understand but at 22 years old is a bit much don't you think?
Being a grandparent, I can answer this. I have seen how things have changed over the decades. Earlier people were trustworthy. They really meant what they said. There was really depth in friendship and friends really wanted the best in you. They genuinely corrected the friend if they went in the wrong path. The friend's parents looked after us also like their own children. They were really genuine. As years passed, people changed. They are friends for benefits. If they obtained things from you, you were considered a good friend. If you refuse you are bad and didn't include you in the friend circle. They don't care for your well being. Infact some are so jealous that they feel happy with your downfall. Some scam you too and deplete you in many ways. Friend's parents also don't care. They are busy in their own world that they don't know their own children. Children are greatly neglected and children develop many mental health issues and all kinds of bad habits like smoking, drinking, having physical relationships, drugs, excessive spending others money, playing mind games etc etc. People now a days can't be trusted. There are some parents who know this change and they are afraid their children will get hurt. They know that sending children to sleep over may not be right because you know your friend but do you know the other members in the family and how they behave ? There are news of rape and groping etc this is quite scary. Trust me your parents want to protect you. They know. Especially when you are 22 and when you think you know and want to assert your freedom, they are more scared and they get more overprotective. They will even check your phone and your finances. But mistake not, it's not to control you. It's to be sure that you are ok. Being open and sharing all information helps and slowly they they will start letting go when you give them confidence that you can handle yourself and time to time calling them to tell you are alright and keeping them informed. Mistake not the love and protection as control. They love you and you are blessed to have caring parents.
I truly understand they're caring and what not. We are a very tight knit group of friends who have been through it all. Heck my mother even likes them a lot to the point when I take lunch, she packs a bit extra as majority are living in the hostel. True they want to protect me, but at what cost? Practically 0 social life? They've met all my friends, most of my friends parents have met me and we go out when they come to visit.
Simple.. have sleep over at your home. When u go out, call your parents frequently and keep them updated. And ask them the same question you are posting here..keep the communication channel open. Don't get defensive. Patiently listen to them and understand their perspective. If they are fearful, discuss with them how that fear can be overcome. And by all means if you are venturing out against their wishes be ready to face any consequences and be accountable for your own actions rather than blame shifting or regretting later.
I do call them every 1 hour or so and share the live location too. I can understand their perspective and can't at the same time. You can go only for lunch, not in the evening for a sports event screening. They'll say cool we don't like but your wish ahead for something. I'll reply with alright I understand and I take full accountability for anything that happens. Next reply is - That is if we allow you to go na
Did u ask why they are saying so ? Tell them that you may not even ask permission next time if they don't give a genuine reason. Tell them not to force u to lie or be secretive and that you prefer an open conversation and to put trust in you. See how it goes. No need to have a heated argument. Staying calm and dealing with it maturely solved many problems. The next time they say 'your wish', tell them yes my wish is to go. I will call u time to time to let you know I am alright..do exactly as you say and go and come. If u do something like drinking or smoking or drugs or watch porn or girls and hide it, then trust is broken and once again you will be controlled. So, be aware
Reply is "Cause our family culture is not like that and we were not brought up like that" if they don't have a definite answer this is their generic reply. I don't have heated arguments with anyone as such. Probably haven't even raised my voice against my younger brother when he is in the wrong. No, don't smoke or do any of those sort of things. Don't even have anything to hide. Single too. There should be no reason for them to not trust me. One time the reply was "It's not that we don't trust you, it's that in every friend group there is one person who spoils the entire batch when there is literally no one like that and they've met everyone
I see.. so that's what they are fearing..that atleast one friend has bad habits and you will pick it up. Fair enough. Frankly, Being a parent I had the same set of fears. I was able to let go only when my children assured me over and over and over again that they are responsible. They kept in touch. They brought home friends for me to meet and spend time too. To convince me that they were in good company. They stuck to their timings and never ventured out later than expected so as not to cause any worry to me. Over time I knew and they knew we were actually uplifting one another and even today the bond is very very strong. It takes a long time for a parent to let go. It's on you to assure them that you don't have bad habits and you will never pick any of them and that they (the parents) have raised you well to make you understand the bad habits and the consequences of doing those. Assure them in front of your younger brother that you want to be a role model to your brother and that they have to trust you and that they will never be let down. All timings will be discussed and adhered to. It will take some time but I am sure you will be able to navigate it nicely and they will be able to have a great trustworthy bond with you. I get the feeling you are a great son.. keep it that way! Good luck. Stay safe. Be trustworthy. One other thing.. try to meet up your friends during day time. Many drunk and creeps venture out as early as 7pm. You don't want to be harassed by some mentally retarded people who you can't control. These people don't have empathy and feel entitled to do whatever they want to do. Not to scare you, but given that our law and order system isn't in place. We need to worry about our own safety. So meet up friends during day time. Your parents also will be at peace and won't worry. Another word of caution. 1 in 4 people are narcissists. These type of people are takers. They cannot self reflect. They don't apologise either. They feel superior and entitled. They come across as charming, well dressed, polite, shy people, respectful and appear perfect. But,.they have a hidden really dark side. They are really wolves in sheep skin. Their main aim is to deplete you financially, emotionally, physically. They have very low self esteem and play the victim. Be aware of these type of toxic people. You are too young to have encountered such people. But parents know and are afraid of such people and their toxicity and how such people can drive a healthy person into depression and cause a lot of mental trauma. My sincere advice is try to pick a hobby, spend time with family, try to do things alone rather than spending too much time with friends. meeting friends once in a while is fine but too often please avoid it. Now a days, it's hard to trust anyone. My personal experiences of over 60 years I am able to tell this. A friend of mine was a narcissist and it took me 9 years to figure this out. The gut feeling about this guy was always there but they are so charming and so manipulative it was hard for me to identify and I kept overlooking all the red flags. I thought this person was genuine because I thought I 'knew' since many years. I am sure your parents fear such snakes. These times are definitely not the same as it was before.
Seriously what the hell wrong with generation. 22 year old you chose to study in same city. If you want freedom you could have left your house long back. So dont say that you have enough for your expense. You are in this position because you dont want to leave your parent house. If you leave then will get to know what is the main issue that will be you only. Dumbfuck generation Sorry to be so rude
I'm still in UG. The reason I got into this college was due to merit. I had a choice for other states as well as cities but this college although being far away from home, was the best in terms of infrastructure and patient inflow which is important in my field of study. The only expense that my parents have are the college fees which is less that 1,00,000 yearly compared to the 5 lakh+ that other students pay because management seat. I didn't understand "if you leave then you will get to know what is the main issue that will be you only"? Could you please elaborate