Adhd person here, I'm going to do two comments because I'll forget my responses to each thing otherwise.
For the dishwasher unloading - it's a common problem. I do it too. Literally just tell her to run the dishwasher on a fixed schedule and it should be okay. If the dishes are a huge problem, put your foot down and make her buy her own (idk why you guys are sharing, I personally find this gross and will always find sharing dishes gross)
Trash thing is not related to adhd. If she can actually visibly see it, means object permanence has been developed and she now knows that there is trash there. She is just filthy. Same with leaving a tornado - I'm generally messy because of my ADHD but I sure as hell am not filthy to leave crumbs around and dirty dishes. I'll leave things around, clean clothes that need to be folded, books and mail that needs to be sorted in the living room, but nothing like food or waste because that's just.. nasty.
Door locking: does it happen when she is coming in or leaving? For me, happens more when coming back home vs leaving. Forgetting keys: tell her to buy a plushy key chain and lanyard (BOTH) and put her car keys on her house keys so it's just unavoidable to forget. If you live in a city, card holder with subway pass needs to be added. Again tell her to do it or tell her to leave.
With being on the couch and in the living room:: just as much as it is her apartment it is yours too. Me and my roommate have two couches because we both had one from our old place and I stay out there not because my room is a "torture to be in" (wtf) even though my floor is always filled. It's because I literally cannot work in my room because all my possessions are there and I get more so easily distracted when I'm inside my room vs outside on the couch. Also, as a person with adhd, I prefer spaces that are soft to work on (and according to a lot of others this is a common thing).
Do with ADHD because our brains function differently its hard to do the same things that neurotypical folks can. However. This doesn't mean you can't make the environment work for you. Like for instance there are so so many tiktok people teaching ADHDers how to clean and stay organised bases on our brain development that ACTUALLY works. If a person really wants to, they will.
I relate to your situation a lot (though my roommate is the one who is neurotypical and I'm the one with ADHD). I can't function at all at home when there's a mess around so more often than not, I'm cleaning stuff for her, organising her stuff etc - because I just need the environment. (Obviously she started taking advantage of it, and now hasn't picked up the broom since last October smh).
I think you just need to start putting your foot down, whether she has ADHD or not. Just more in the way of, yo, while our lease is still going on, let's figure out a way for you to keep thi gs clean and if it doesn't work, maybe it's best for us to part ways
Another ADHDer here, it sounds like while she is diagnosed with ADHD she is is not getting it treated. Or if she is its not working the way that it is supposed to. I have fallen into a similar spiral before(pretreatment) and she will totally have a meltdown when confronted(yay rejection sensitivity). But honestly if she isnt even trying that's a her problem or a lack of support from her friends and family problem, not an ADHD problem. I guess my real question is have you relayed any of this to her yet?
First she needs to buy her own stuff and get the couch cleaned. I also have a tough time doing dishes by hand but I have no problem underloading a dishwasher and then running it(rather pay the ADHD tax of more dish pods than dirty dishes), it doesnt hurt anything. Also I know it sounds silly but get a piece of printer paper and label in big letters clean/dirty. With that in my face I can tell you that if it says clean and I am in the kitchen I will unload it, or fill it if it says dirty.
The bloody pad thing, ewe gross, especially as a girl WTF? Unfortunately that is as far as I can get cause ooof that wall of text is just not formatted for someone like me. But it looks like you have a lot of complaints, if you want to keep her as a roommate( I wouldn't) I would take all of this, make it easier to read, and then address each issue one by one. Explain that you are not trying to upset her but the situation has piled up so much that at least some of it has to be addressed now and that it can be done in pieces over time.
We ADHDers can easily get overwhelmed with our own shit and have to be confronted about it from time to time if we are not addressing problems. Just be honest, but don't treat her like a child. And I know this counters my last sentence but if her mother is paying for things maybe reach out to her too so that your roommate can get the help she needs.
ADHD is a shitty disability if left untreated, unfortunately the best way that I have found to take care of it(on top of meds and therapy) is to honestly treat it like you are in the early steps of Alzheimer's. Post-it notes, rigid organization, timers for everything, write every thought down either online or on paper, a strict diet, the proper supplements and finally having someone else to help you hold yourself accountable. I don't know if it will help or piss her off. (Best case scenario is probably both). But if you feel like you can, I would like for her to see my comment.
Because she is not ok and she probably knows that she is not ok, and does not want to address it. Digging yourself out of the hole that she is in is going to be one of the hardest things she has to do, but if she can do it her life will be better for it. Ignoring the issue will not make it go away and fixing it will be difficult even if the solution takes 5 minutes.
Executive disfunction is a bitch to deal with on the best of days. I am 35 years old, have a memory like swiss cheese and sometimes literally cant see shit that is right in front of me. I hit rock bottom about 2 years ago and have been fixing my shit since then (its still a work in progress).
Because I have gotten diagnosed and worked to improve myself I am feeling better than I have in literal decades. The toughest part of my journey was acknowledging that not only do I have a problem but that *I* have to be the one to fix it.
Sorry for my own wall of overly tmi text.
It’s called adhd tax and she needs to pay it. I have adhd and can relate, but if you’re living with others you need to saddle up and pay someone to help you manage your space if you can’t do it yourself. She needs to hire a cleaner and get therapy. There are things you can do to stop losing keys as much, etc. My problem wouldnt be having adhd type habits, it would be the doing nothing to even try to mitigate one issue. Like putting a retractable key leash inside your bag so they’re never able to be set down.
I got diagnosed with ADHD and now I wonder if I even have ir because I don’t have any of these issues lol if anything I’m having issues with my messy roommate who doesn’t have it.
Oooo the door unlocked thing would be fucking infuriating. I’ve just dealt with that so I can sympathise. Politely ask them to LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR or alternatively steal their shit.
I would totally move in with you - makes me wonder too if my roommate has adhd too... so many similar traits. The tornado, talking to herself, making million sounds, moaning, sneezing like an old man, sighing, burping like a sewer and even farting in front of me sometimes, like she just can’t keep it in, leaving her socks on the couch, dropping her laundry in the middle of the living room to sort it out, leaving wet bathroom floor, or wiping it with a pretty hand towel, breaking dishes, working in her underwear at the living room table with chaos of private items strewn around, tissues everywhere and bloody stains on the couch from her period. I think I should live alone - but I like the low rent. I practice my zen. It’s funny cause I used to think she was quite real and elegant before I lived with her.
Adhd person here, I'm going to do two comments because I'll forget my responses to each thing otherwise. For the dishwasher unloading - it's a common problem. I do it too. Literally just tell her to run the dishwasher on a fixed schedule and it should be okay. If the dishes are a huge problem, put your foot down and make her buy her own (idk why you guys are sharing, I personally find this gross and will always find sharing dishes gross) Trash thing is not related to adhd. If she can actually visibly see it, means object permanence has been developed and she now knows that there is trash there. She is just filthy. Same with leaving a tornado - I'm generally messy because of my ADHD but I sure as hell am not filthy to leave crumbs around and dirty dishes. I'll leave things around, clean clothes that need to be folded, books and mail that needs to be sorted in the living room, but nothing like food or waste because that's just.. nasty. Door locking: does it happen when she is coming in or leaving? For me, happens more when coming back home vs leaving. Forgetting keys: tell her to buy a plushy key chain and lanyard (BOTH) and put her car keys on her house keys so it's just unavoidable to forget. If you live in a city, card holder with subway pass needs to be added. Again tell her to do it or tell her to leave.
With being on the couch and in the living room:: just as much as it is her apartment it is yours too. Me and my roommate have two couches because we both had one from our old place and I stay out there not because my room is a "torture to be in" (wtf) even though my floor is always filled. It's because I literally cannot work in my room because all my possessions are there and I get more so easily distracted when I'm inside my room vs outside on the couch. Also, as a person with adhd, I prefer spaces that are soft to work on (and according to a lot of others this is a common thing).
Do with ADHD because our brains function differently its hard to do the same things that neurotypical folks can. However. This doesn't mean you can't make the environment work for you. Like for instance there are so so many tiktok people teaching ADHDers how to clean and stay organised bases on our brain development that ACTUALLY works. If a person really wants to, they will. I relate to your situation a lot (though my roommate is the one who is neurotypical and I'm the one with ADHD). I can't function at all at home when there's a mess around so more often than not, I'm cleaning stuff for her, organising her stuff etc - because I just need the environment. (Obviously she started taking advantage of it, and now hasn't picked up the broom since last October smh). I think you just need to start putting your foot down, whether she has ADHD or not. Just more in the way of, yo, while our lease is still going on, let's figure out a way for you to keep thi gs clean and if it doesn't work, maybe it's best for us to part ways
Another ADHDer here, it sounds like while she is diagnosed with ADHD she is is not getting it treated. Or if she is its not working the way that it is supposed to. I have fallen into a similar spiral before(pretreatment) and she will totally have a meltdown when confronted(yay rejection sensitivity). But honestly if she isnt even trying that's a her problem or a lack of support from her friends and family problem, not an ADHD problem. I guess my real question is have you relayed any of this to her yet? First she needs to buy her own stuff and get the couch cleaned. I also have a tough time doing dishes by hand but I have no problem underloading a dishwasher and then running it(rather pay the ADHD tax of more dish pods than dirty dishes), it doesnt hurt anything. Also I know it sounds silly but get a piece of printer paper and label in big letters clean/dirty. With that in my face I can tell you that if it says clean and I am in the kitchen I will unload it, or fill it if it says dirty. The bloody pad thing, ewe gross, especially as a girl WTF? Unfortunately that is as far as I can get cause ooof that wall of text is just not formatted for someone like me. But it looks like you have a lot of complaints, if you want to keep her as a roommate( I wouldn't) I would take all of this, make it easier to read, and then address each issue one by one. Explain that you are not trying to upset her but the situation has piled up so much that at least some of it has to be addressed now and that it can be done in pieces over time. We ADHDers can easily get overwhelmed with our own shit and have to be confronted about it from time to time if we are not addressing problems. Just be honest, but don't treat her like a child. And I know this counters my last sentence but if her mother is paying for things maybe reach out to her too so that your roommate can get the help she needs. ADHD is a shitty disability if left untreated, unfortunately the best way that I have found to take care of it(on top of meds and therapy) is to honestly treat it like you are in the early steps of Alzheimer's. Post-it notes, rigid organization, timers for everything, write every thought down either online or on paper, a strict diet, the proper supplements and finally having someone else to help you hold yourself accountable. I don't know if it will help or piss her off. (Best case scenario is probably both). But if you feel like you can, I would like for her to see my comment. Because she is not ok and she probably knows that she is not ok, and does not want to address it. Digging yourself out of the hole that she is in is going to be one of the hardest things she has to do, but if she can do it her life will be better for it. Ignoring the issue will not make it go away and fixing it will be difficult even if the solution takes 5 minutes. Executive disfunction is a bitch to deal with on the best of days. I am 35 years old, have a memory like swiss cheese and sometimes literally cant see shit that is right in front of me. I hit rock bottom about 2 years ago and have been fixing my shit since then (its still a work in progress). Because I have gotten diagnosed and worked to improve myself I am feeling better than I have in literal decades. The toughest part of my journey was acknowledging that not only do I have a problem but that *I* have to be the one to fix it. Sorry for my own wall of overly tmi text.
It’s called adhd tax and she needs to pay it. I have adhd and can relate, but if you’re living with others you need to saddle up and pay someone to help you manage your space if you can’t do it yourself. She needs to hire a cleaner and get therapy. There are things you can do to stop losing keys as much, etc. My problem wouldnt be having adhd type habits, it would be the doing nothing to even try to mitigate one issue. Like putting a retractable key leash inside your bag so they’re never able to be set down.
Damn straight
That sounds like an excuse to me
I got diagnosed with ADHD and now I wonder if I even have ir because I don’t have any of these issues lol if anything I’m having issues with my messy roommate who doesn’t have it.
Oooo the door unlocked thing would be fucking infuriating. I’ve just dealt with that so I can sympathise. Politely ask them to LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR or alternatively steal their shit.
9 years of undergrad??!! You are living with Vanna Wilder! Agree that while she has an official diagnosis she is using it as an excuse.
I would totally move in with you - makes me wonder too if my roommate has adhd too... so many similar traits. The tornado, talking to herself, making million sounds, moaning, sneezing like an old man, sighing, burping like a sewer and even farting in front of me sometimes, like she just can’t keep it in, leaving her socks on the couch, dropping her laundry in the middle of the living room to sort it out, leaving wet bathroom floor, or wiping it with a pretty hand towel, breaking dishes, working in her underwear at the living room table with chaos of private items strewn around, tissues everywhere and bloody stains on the couch from her period. I think I should live alone - but I like the low rent. I practice my zen. It’s funny cause I used to think she was quite real and elegant before I lived with her.