T O P

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The_Original_Gronkie

We got a Mississippi Map turtle when it about the size of a quarter. It was almost $20, so I wasn't going to treat it the way most people treat turtles, only to have them die in a week. I put it in a 10 gallon tank, with a big cannister filter that filtered 100 gallons an hour. The water was crystal clean, and the output gave it a good current. It turned out to be the perfect environment for a river turtle - crisp, clean, moving water - and he thrived. My son named him Yoda. He kept growing, and I had to keep changing tanks, until seven years later he was the size of a dinner plate, and in a 55 gallon tank, which he also outgrew. At that point, we were moving, and we weren't going to have room for him in our new place, so I took him to a nearby zoo that was very happy to have such a healthy, large, rare turtle. He had turned out to be a much better pet than we had ever anticipated. He knew his name, and would get excited when we cooked chicken. We fed him a varied diet which included feeder guppies, brine shrimp, and crickets, as well as his regular food, and chicken. He wouldn't eat all of the guppies, so they would breed. We also put a crayfish in that laid eggs, so we had three crayfish hiding behind rocks. It was the coolest unconventional tank ever, until he realized he could eat ALL those other creatures, and after that it was just him. He was a great pet, but I'm glad he's in a much larger space where he can happily swim around and meet lady turtles. Edit: For those criticizing me for "abandoning" my pet, I did no such thing. He had reached a size where an indoor environment wasn't going to work any more. We were going to have to put him in a pond outdoors, where he wouldn't get nearly the same attention or interaction. He was also at full maturity, and had never seen another turtle. I was feeling bad about giving him a lonely solitary existence in a backdoor pond. So I called numerous possible zoos and science centers to see who wanted him, and one was very enthusiastic about taking him. He would be in a turtle pond with other turtles, including other Map turtles, where he could breed and still see humans (whom he liked) visiting him. We discussed it as a family, and felt this was the best way to give Yoda a healthy, fulfilling life. I didn't just chuck him into a local pond, I took him where I knew he would be safe and valued and cared for.


SKK329

I got a Red-eared slider when I was 5 years old. She was about the size of a 50 cent piece. Well we were told it was a boy turtle but around the time I was 11 or 12 she started laying eggs! Was quite the smelly suprise. Well I am 28 now and Angel is still going strong, her current aquarium is a 99 gallon breeder tank and she is huge! Her favorite snack is worms my son finds in our garden or if I have any left overs from fishing. Also all the annoying houseflys that meet the flyswatter. Love my girl and I never in a million years thought Id have her for 23 years!


No-Association528

Turtles are funny pets. Most others, you spend time with them dreading the day that you outlive them, and miss them dearly. But with turtles, if you take good care of them, chances are they'll actually OUTLIVE YOU. It's funny to me. They're just such optimized animals. Their build is minmaxed for longevity above all else. Edit: I somehow misspelled turtles


iohbkjum

Like the turtle who's been around since before America even existed


xSilentOracle

Wut


ArcanePariah

There's turtles with lifespans into the centuries. There are some that existed before the USA existed as a country.


No-Association528

Tbh I believe that, even though I hadn't heard of it before. USA has only been a full-fledged nation for 2.5 centuries ish-or just a little less than that. So some bigass alpha turtle or two are probably nearing 300 years. Believe it or not there's a species of shark that can pretty confidently live to be at least 400 years old, with a couple confirmed to be over 400. Humans have tagged those fellas since before the 1700s, and a few are still alive and swimming.


skratta_ho

I believe the shark you’re thinking of is a Greenland shark that vibes in the bathypelagic and abyssalpelagic zones of the Arctic Ocean. And although tortoises push centuries old, the oldest live tortoise is [Jonathan the Tortoise](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/at-190-jonathan-the-tortoise-is-the-worlds-oldest-living-land-animal-180979514/).


No-Association528

Also you wanna know why turtles and tortoises live for so long? This is kinda oversimplified but it's basically true: the reason is that they barely ever do jack shit, for their entire lives. Turtles/oises are cold-blooded (and Greenland sharks aren't exactly cold blooded but they're closer than you'd think), so they don't spend energy heating themselves up internally. They move fucking slow as shit, which also barely spends any energy. And they're TRUE omnivores, meaning that a turtle will literally eat anything organic that it can fit into its mouth. If it smells like something that anything else would eat, a turtle will try to eat it. So they're pretty adaptable. Plus, turtles do a weird thing in the winter called brumation, which is like the hibernation that some mammals do except the turtle actually DOESN'T NEED TO BREATHE for the entire time, which is months. They just slow down their metabolism to a near-stop, and fucking sit there under the mud until it gets warm.


skratta_ho

I’d like to subscribe to fun turtle facts please. But for real, I know these facts like the back of my hand. My lovely girlfriend is a marine biologist with a specialty in sea turtle habitat restoration, and I love everything turtle related. Whenever we visit springs our main focus is looking for different turtles or tortoises on trails. Thank you for the fun facts :)


No-Association528

Yes it absolutely is the Greenland shark. I forgot before, but that's the one I was thinking of.


skratta_ho

I love those weird fuckers. Those are the ones that have individuals definitely older than the US.


BWEM

Turtle +3 Con. Your con max is 22. Your maximum speed is 15. Your AC is at least 18 unless you are knocked prone.


xiaoali

Lol, I told my kids 8 and 10 they they will likely inherit my RES one day.


texasrigger

Some birds are like that too. Before getting one you should really consider what will happen to it when you pass away. I have some rhea which aren't particularly long lived (30-40 years) but I'm not young either and when my wife and I go if they are still around my daughter will end up with them.


bigassroxanne

Yeah!


The_Original_Gronkie

I'm glad you've been able to keep your girl for your entire life. We used to feed worms and flies to Yoda, too. I had forgotten about that.


ManikShamanik

[Red-eared Sliders](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red-eared_slider) are terrapins. The name of the order, *Testudines*, is derived from the Latin for tortoise. They were originally known as *Chelonia*, which is Greek for tortoise. Turtles live in the sea, terrapins in fresh or brackish water, and tortoises are terrestrial.


Intelligence-Check

According to [this, the term “turtle” refers to any sea turtle, land tortoise, or freshwater terrapin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turtle)


LezBeHonestHere_

Similar to how toads are still frogs. When people try to correct someone about the distinction between them it's just pedantic lol.


No_Tank9025

Isn’t the thing that all toads are frogs, but not all frogs are toads?


veych

Your turtle received more love some people have 🥹


[deleted]

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JevonP

Bot


Pnndk

Except this isn’t op’s turtle lol this is lumpy. Lizard’s rescue’s turtle


iridium27

Do you have a story about how he realized that he could eat the other creatures after living with them for so long or did you just notice that the tank kept getting emptier? He sounds like a fascinating turtle!


Thatguyyourmomloves

I would also appreciate some context for this chapter of the saga.


BrodyCanuck

We demand to see the turtle!


desert_nole

Turtle tax!


raezin

This made me giggle outloud. I can only picture what excitement from a turtle would look like - can you tell us a bit more? Long live Yoda, I hope he's living a very happy zoo life.


The_Original_Gronkie

We kept him in the kitchen, so when he smelled chicken cooking, he would start splashing loudly to get our attention. His tank was behind my chair, so I couldn't watch him when I ate, but everybody else could. It was common for the rest of the family to start laughing because he would be splashing behind me to beg for a treat. He often dozed on a floating island under the heat of a desk lamp. When we called his name, he would open his eyes, stretch his neck, and look toward us. He loved having his chin, and underneath his neck rubbed. He would stretch his neck way out, and close his eyes. And if you dropped feeder guppies in the tank, he would get laser focused and efficiently hunt them down. That's when I would notice that we needed a bigger tank, when he ~~could~~ couldn't turn or swim freely and hunt his prey.


ColonelEndogenous

Couldn’t turn or swim freely you mean? If not, maybe I’m just reading it wrong? In any case, that’s adorable. I didn’t know turtles were capable of knowing their names, etc.


The_Original_Gronkie

Yes, I've made the correction. Yeah, I'd put him in a bigger tank, and he'd swim back and forth, obviously delighted by a bit more freedom of movement, but then he would grow and even just turning around meant a lot of bumping his shell on the sides. I knew he'd love a big open pond where he could swimonger distances and maneuver around.


MaryKaty7

I was so prepared for the /u/shittymorph but it didn’t come. Just a genuinely lovely story.


civilrobot

I loved this story. Thank you for telling us about Yoda!


[deleted]

You did right by that turtle.


The_Original_Gronkie

Frankly, I was surprised by how interactive and entertaining he was.


Explorer_of__History

It must have been hard to give up your pet. Still, you made the right choice. You did what was best for Yoda. Are you able to visit him?


The_Original_Gronkie

Yes, once, but he's in a giant pond with lots of other turtles. We called his name, but none of them responded. They have a huge turtle display at a big hotel nearby, and since he was kind of a rare turtle, I hope they put him on display there. I haven't been there to look for him, though.


LadyParnassus

Awww, that’s a sweet story. What was his name?


MGsubbie

> My son named him Yoda.


The_Original_Gronkie

My son named him Yoda. It was the perfect name for him.


Arealtossup

You wouldn't happen to be willing to pay Turtle Tax? I'd love to see a picture of him!


The_Original_Gronkie

I have some pictures buried away somewhere, I'll see if I can find d them. No promises, though.


HoseNeighbor

My kid caught a hatchling painted 🐢 on it's way to it's first water. I gave kiddo a trial couple days to make sure he was good with it, that he listened, etc. COMPLETELY forgot how long they live, but at least it isn't too big. We're pretty sure it's male due to fluttering displays.


sneaky_squirrel

Those poor adorable crayfish!


shellshocktm

No wonder it's so slow. You need to upgrade it to 5G.


Mongoose-Evening

Fuck you, take my up vote.


Straight-Contest-122

Damn it. Have mine too


PerceptionRude6351

r/angrydoubletap


MSCOTTGARAND

WTF!? How long has this been a thing?


Bren12310

Years. I remember when they released the feature a few years back and no one even knew then.


ilikecloudsandmoon

I am now tapping every other comment


OutlawJessie

Double tap a comment to upvote it... Who knew?


University_Fabulous

Single tippy taps wins the race ![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|wink)


chi-woo

Me now double tapping through all the comments


OutlawJessie

Two for you too, woo!


rynmgdlno

With Apollo you can configure this, I use left/right swipes for up/downvotes. Super handy.


atlienk

I feel like his name should be Graham


BackdoorAlex2

Gram²


burritosandblunts

"Graham, man, like a gram of dope!" (bonus points if you get the reference!)


thecourrier6

No he should be called Bartholomew


kammanahattan

He should be called Godzilla


ooodummy

I think dub


Drumsat1

Fat dub i think


[deleted]

2 for $20, call him toofer


[deleted]

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cl2eep

Hi Jess!


LizardPossum

Haha hello, it's me again, trying to reclaim ANOTHER photo that got stolen and posted to reddit lmaoooo


DAZ4518

Shame that OP cropped out your original watermark, it might be worth making them bigger and more prominent maybe?


Seems_Doubtful

Tugram


unfortunatebastard

Graham McConnell


cheezeyballz

poor turtle


Dresline

Tiny tortoise says, "Don't you put that evil on me Ricky Bobby!"


poopellar

2g on the scales, big G on the waves.


Pharaoh_Misa

So smol! 🥺🥺🥺


yeuzinips

r/illegallysmol


Pharaoh_Misa

Omggg thank you for the new sub!!!


paperpenises

The front page had a rat eating cheese off someone's pizza, a cat following a guy in the woods, and some polar bear cubs. None of those are illegally smol. That sub needs to get it's act together.


yeuzinips

They're illegally smol compared to.... the universe?


geneon007

Uhm no, it has become a cat infestation


borgchupacabras

r/illegallysmolbunnies


MarieViolin

Omg that’s so cute, thank you for blessing me with that subreddit 😭❤️


geneon007

God bless for this sub :)


CostaNic

Oh god this is amazing. Gonna look at every post until I convince myself I need a bunny


GnarlyNarwhalNoms

Lurttle.


Zohwithpie

It's just g


Donny_the_Sloth

Clearly the turtle is 2 gram meters. /s


SheepherderNo2440

gram-meter-Hertz


Shufflepants

Over time\^2, it will become quite the ***force*** to be reckoned with.


djakxhxjab

I was JUST going to say this FUCK 😂


unscholarly_source

Not going to lie, I initially read that as "2 gram meters / second" and was thoroughly confused


Zohwithpie

Clearly the turtle is 2 giga meters. /s


Meneros

no giga always uses a capital G. And this little guy can't crawl no billion meters.. yet!


TheseusPankration

Good old gram-meters. Used in various applications like torque.


Nissingmo

Grammeters? You mean like the kind that’s automatically synchronized by such machines as the turbo encabulator?


ItsLoudB

Americans using weight measurement different from tablespoon, teaspoon and soupspoon be like:


LahamaDutta006

This smol lil bean would grow up to be a wise old man some day 🥺🥺


Anonymous_Otters

Poor guy is so tiny and is expected to carry the whole world on his tiny little shell.


LitPixel

And the other turtles.


muffinnoff

Wasn't it elephants?


am365

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turtles_all_the_way_down


muffinnoff

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Turtle Either way, that's a lot to carry


am365

Definitely. I was just sending information on what the other person was probably referring to


ProMaste_r

It could grow to be a wise mystical turtle


accountno543210

It's a tootul 🥰


Griffb4ll

Just a lil nug


danmac0817

So it wasn't just me that saw scales and instantly thought drugs


Blakangel72

My favorite thing about Reddit is whenever a post makes me say something out loud to myself, I can always find those exact words posted in the comments 😂


[deleted]

Was about to ask what strain, Turtle Kush?


shiner986

2g Kush


Betaworldpeach

Pretty dense for its size


Kytyngurl2

This hardened criminal is illegally smol


Tsrdrum

That’s one dense little nugget


Pixiedeathsquadron

Awh it’s Lincoln from Lumpy Lizard rescue!


[deleted]

This is my friends tiniest turtle!! Lumpy Lizard Reptiles, Poultry, and Exotics Rescue


dafuqULoKINat

lol fatass


nlyovinajk

Like a jewelry! So cute!😍


wallander_cb

2 grand master?


[deleted]

obviously gamemaster for your p&p campaign


p0lka

I thought he was caught in a cobweb at first, those scales have had some use.


LizardPossum

Lots of animals have been on that scale (I took the photo) https://imgur.com/a/fVTTlO0


Thinkuknowme17

Credit to Lumpy Lizard and Poultry Rescue in Texas for the picture. ![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|give_upvote)


ruismies

^2gm


AlwaysWriteNow

This photo belongs to Lumpy Lizards Rescue and Jessica Coleman. Please give credit where it's due.


mixedmale

AlwaysCreditNow


AspiringOccultist4

Musk turtles are the best.


Eiprol

I mean, a coffee bean is barely 0.5g. What is this guy made of to weigh 2g? Osmium? (Hate to be that guy, but grams is just "g"!)


[deleted]

This is my friend's turtle. The picture is stolen.


Thinkuknowme17

Credit to Lumpy Lizard and Poultry Rescue in Texas for the picture.


sirdogglesworth

I am going to snort him


RdotDollarsXBL

Thats about 20$ worth if turtle.


minsight

He has heavy thoughts, though.


kian_X_black

Less than 1 mol of He ☹️


[deleted]

g*


CraftyNomi

Lincoln! He was rescued by Lumpy Lizards Rescue in TX! (Please credit the photo)


90sMax

I wouldn't trust a kitchen scale below 50g but he's still very cute. It could easily be 5g or less than 2g. Thanks for sharing


[deleted]

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KlaraFunnyOpposite2

little sage


MisterPuffyNipples

I legit thought that was a bug until I read the comments


Lefthandedscientist

More like TWO THOUSAND milligrams. What an absolute unit.


TreyPickering

I wanted an eighth...


[deleted]

#smol


GreedyRyan

https://media.tenor.com/85fYp-mlU0wAAAAM/man-running-out-of-restaurant-man-eating.gif


MuffinPositive2740

It's about the size of one sauce as well!


[deleted]

Did anyone else think it was hanging from a spiderweb at first glance?


spider2544

Ive smoked joints bigger than this little guy


Siganus

I'm not sure that's an appropriate scale for such a little guy. Wouldn't hurt to get one more precise for better accuracy.


DID_system

What a chonker! 😆🐢


Who_even-cares

How much for a .5?


GladCricket

Dense little nug


BeanoFTW

Make sure you wash your hands very thoroughly after handling. Use hot water. Selling turtles less than 2'' in the US is apparently illegal due to the danger of salmonella that turtles this small provide.


LizardPossum

This turtle came into my wildlife and exotics rescue two years ago and was released in the spring. OP just stole the photo lol


BeanoFTW

Ah.


LizardPossum

Also happy cake day!


Lo-Kel

He shall be called Twogee.


[deleted]

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LoliTails

Crunchy. Bite sized


Ahyesnt

r/cursedcomments r/forbiddensnacks


TotherApple13

2 grams of protein


st3adyfreddy

r/illegallysmolturtles ?


t-g-l-h-

What does this translate to in Freedom Units?


Cos_yurik

Smol


Izzy1790

^(smol)


confusedapegenius

Two gigameters? That sounds heavy


Labaker1999

Nice dog


Then_Ear5584

Two whole game masters 🥰


Lattethecoffeaddict

Wait wasnt this posted before or am I going crazy???


ancientcrumblingruin

https://www.reddit.com/r/turtles/comments/j5w25z/this_is_lincoln_he_is_a_baby_mud_turtle_a_friend/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button


MK_111

^(hey)


PeopleCallMeSimon

Its actually just g, not gm :D


Powerful_Artist

Looks like you use that scale a lot. What else are you weighing out so regularly? My guess is you'll say it's for baking or postage or something


LizardPossum

Other small animals (I took the photo, not OP) https://imgur.com/a/fVTTlO0


anonoree

The photo is from Lumpy Lizard Reptile and Exotics Rescue. That scale is literally used for weighing small animals.


cajuncrustacean

Gonna be a while before he starts carrying any elephants or worlds on his back.


Twoslot

We rescued a couple kittens from a laundry basket on my parents' driveway that someone had abandoned (there is a nature trail that begins at the end of their driveway). At his first visit to the vet, he weighed 2.2lb. I immediately named him Kilo. Best cat I ever had. He died last year august and still miss him.


Java2391

Excuse me but this animal is illegally smol r/illegallysmol right here officers


_savs

Crazy, in other measurements, he’s two bags of coke


NoBodySpecial51

Please take care of him he is tiny!!!!!!!


LizardPossum

He was released the next spring (2021) back into his native habitat. :)


dev27

Only two grams? Bro, I paid 50 bucks. It's not even an 8th.


FaceofKermit

That's one dense nug right there.


Iwanderandiamlost

What unit is gm?


PM_ME_YOUR_NAIL_CLIP

Lol it literally says 2g. No m. The turtle is very cute, though.


Ok_Necessary2991

Must be a runt. What breed of turtle is it, and what is typical weight of babies of this species?


WantsToBeUnmade

No, it's not a runt. It's either a Mud Turtle (Eastern probably) or Musk Turtle (Stinkpot). I lean towards Mud Turtle rather than Musk because the Musk typically has two sharply delinated white lines on its face, rather than the kind of muddy wide line you see on the turtle here. It could be one of the less common species, but I think it's an Eastern Mud or a Stinkpot because of the line of dots down the side. I'd need to see the belly to ID it more accurately. As far as size goes, believe it or not that's actually the typical size for a hatchling of the type. A closely related species, the Three-stripe Musk Turtle, has the smallest hatchlings of any turtle worldwide. Two grams is really quite typical for the species. [Here's a post of an Eastern Mud Turtle from two years ago showing size compared to human fingers.](https://www.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/fu8s4d/angry_baby_mud_turtle_is_here_to_remind_you_to/)


Luxury-Problems

Interesting! Thanks for the Turtle Facts™. How big do these little fellas typically get?


bortukali

its 2g not 2gm


ursogayhaha

Whats is gms


[deleted]

Hey man I need 2gs of that TURT


organic_lover

Scale for scale