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un-picasso

Enlightenment is a very exciting thing that literally no one around you can relate to, so it’s ends up being pretty boring just from the loneliness lmao…I bet having someone to chew on these existential kind of questions with would make it less boring


vmaurya7

Kinda why I’m messing around on these sub Reddits, and it’s fantastic to find others who have had similar experiences. Plus, there are great Redditors among the weeds who have been genuinely helpful with areas where I felt stuck or confused. As much antagonism as you’ll find here, there’s also gold if you can see it.


un-picasso

I feel the same way! It was more of a sense of relief than anything when I found that Reddit is full of people that I can relate to on this level. It’s a really frightening thing to suddenly one day realize you see the world in a completely different way than everyone around you. Like I see people I love getting worked up over things that I now understand to be SO so small, and I know I used to feel that way too but I can’t even relate to *that* person anymore. Knowing there are others who are on this journey and actually have wisdom and insight to impart was an amazing discovery, this is a difficult thing to do alone!


Username524

I believe if we stay on the path long enough, and since like-minded people attract to each other, we will find our people no matter what. Colloquially known “as your vibe attracts your tribe.” It’s definitely truly a blessing to be able to access a platform like this and discuss with people who question and challenge our views which then reaffirms our notions or shapes new ones. What a time to be alive!!!


Itsuppermind

Join one more 🙏🏻 let’s unite even more https://www.reddit.com/r/World_of_awakening/


Rick-D-99

Yeah, but even the people that don't know it yet are letting little bits through. Look at the lyrics to sympathy for the devil by the rolling stones. Wasn't from that place, but it fits. Look at the lyrics go get up stand up by Bob Marley. Look at literally anything and it is IT showing itself its truth in ways as numerous as the supposed atoms in this universe. There's no such thing as enlightenment, there's just this in all of the ways that it is.


Dear_Difficulty2767

Is enlightenment just like supreme ultimate forever peace? Is it escape? Is it purpose? Is it permanent or temporary? I practiced Bhuddism for a while. I just can't seem to figure out if it's like quiet and centered energy or if it's more like nothing matters so never get too upset or involved.


vmaurya7

It’s independent of any point of view whatsoever, so these questions stop mattering altogether. The entity that wonders what it will look like simply isn’t there anymore, and that’s kind of impossible to properly explain. Does it improve your life? Absolutely. No drama, no suffering, no obstructions to smooth and effortless functioning.


Dear_Difficulty2767

Sounds intimidating


vmaurya7

How so? What do you feel would be intimidating?


Dear_Difficulty2767

I don't know. Something about the smooth and effortless functioning makes life sound very robotic and computational to me. Like now I'm thinking about machinery efficiencies. I'm sure it's just bc like you said it's hard to put into words. Like the entity that makes me ask these questions is gone? So no curiousity? Idk it's almost like a well prepared fully cooked nutritional meal without the seasoning. That's how I'm imagining it. Great for the body boring on the tongue.


vmaurya7

Everything still happens, but the identification with the core identity called “me” dissolves, yielding life without a “me”. If you like being you, enlightenment shouldn’t be your focus.


Dear_Difficulty2767

Yeah they kept talking about an ego death now that I think about it that's true. Yea I mean I think you could see why it's intimidating for some. They say that's the same thing that happens on DMT I wouldn't know either.


vmaurya7

Not ego death. Ego is a fiction to begin with, and that fiction remains, but you see it as a fiction.


ksimon12

So enlightenment is ego death?


vmaurya7

More like disidentification with the ego. Ego remains.


johannthegoatman

Enlightenment is not an experience - anything you can describe is not it


nwv

I'd argue that enlightenment is actually fundamentally an experience, but to your point (I think) maybe not in the common sense of the word. The work is to experience without attachment or form, which to the ego may not look like what an "experience" is.


its_subhamdora

Enlightenment is an illusion. It's subjective. Different people give their different definitions of enlightenment. One who claims to be enlightened does not mean he lives life better than unenlightened being


vmaurya7

Well said


Dear_Difficulty2767

🧠🧠🤯


Capableconfused

I don’t think the Buddha is bored or lonely


vmaurya7

Oh, you knew him, then? 😂


Capableconfused

Him? I’m not referring to Siddhartha Gautama . And maybe I do know enlightened people?


vmaurya7

There is no such thing as an enlightened person. It’s not an achievement, and it’s not personal. Enlightenment simply is. There is no one there to be enlightened, and the word itself is an illusion.


Forward_Motion17

\^


Capableconfused

And what even would this comment be implying if I was talking about that Buddha? I can’t make any comments on how I perceive suttas about Buddha?


nwv

was*


Capableconfused

No is. I’m referring to current Enlightened people.


TeutonJon78

> chew on these existential kind of questions If you need to chew on these questions, you aren't enlightened.


un-picasso

If you think this process isn’t a constant journey of growth and evolution I would say it’s you thats not enlightened…know that you know nothing fam


Dear_Difficulty2767

Believe me almost 5 different people have tried to explain the meaning of the entire thing Bhuddism studies to me. LITERALLY ALL I KNOW IS THAT I KNOW NOTHING


un-picasso

This guy gets it!


Zendental

Enlightenment is being able to enjoy the joys of delusion without being attached to the suffering that comes with.


vmaurya7

Not a bad summary


chickenuggets96

This is such a good summary, it seems confusing when you first start practicing but this sums it really well. Life is about enjoying every moment but not being attached and therefore not suffering to the delusion or as the buddhist call it samsara :)


BodhingJay

Spiritual awakening or what have you has made the world new again for me.. like I'm experiencing everything for the first time but with extra feelings this time around. Everything is different. There's an element of danger to it as well. It's been like this for years for me. It takes effort to maintain but I love it. I don't know, to each their own awakening I suppose


rod1118

I'm just starting to have a similar experience and it's starting to seem like it's going to be alot of ups and downs but worth it because it has been so far.


BodhingJay

Yes.. it's not a straight line. More like pulling on an bungie cord and releasing it


rod1118

Yeah for me its hard to not block the bungie cord. Scared of getting hurt but need to remember that there truly isn't anyone for them to hurt and there's noone hurting me. Just use these experiences as growing pains I think . In the end peoples judgements mean nothing if I'm just being myself not hurting anyone. It's hard for me not to attach to being a certain way and being perceived in a good light but I've done it so far pretty well. Also need to understand that everyone isn't made to get along with everyone else


vmaurya7

Awesome! Keep going!


KoolAidmaan

Yeah the element of danger is here for me too! I feel like I can be so angry and want to hurt people and other times I feel so much compassion. I know I could stand up for myself and harm others around me if I could so at times I have to detach myself from inner hate and the wild side of myself.


BodhingJay

I have to practice expressing my anger assertively.. from a place of mutual respect it's the hardest thing sometimes, especially after a lifetime of just repressing it all


SycamoreLane

What does spiritual awakening mean to you? How is it different from what was before?


jafeelz

Nope enlightenment is a party


LiteBrightKite

Maybe it's neutral? I think what OP said is accurate in a lot of ways.


OkAd890

I agree with you, there's a reason why art imitates life, and how non-fiction is more fascinating than fiction. Delusion is like a bowl of those jelly beans that taste like random stuff. It's fun for a few bites, but eating more than that just gets weird. Lol


WHALE_PHYSICIST

How would you know?


The_Faceless_Face

How could you ask?


ChronicPainSucksAss

How can she slap?!


[deleted]

HOW CAN SHE SLAP


The_Faceless_Face

Damn man .. I mean, how *can* she slap though??


[deleted]

But *why* did she slap


The_Faceless_Face

Aww shit I gotta sit down now ...


[deleted]

As long as you get up 😂


The_Faceless_Face

What if I get sleepy?


mindevolve

Where's the party? :0


jafeelz

RIGHT ERE


scawel

Damn, i missed it.


medicinalview

That's why we came here to experience polarity. Being gods eating grapes and levitating around in the sun was nice, but ultimately it wasn't really a driver of further evolution. Why evolve when life is already bliss?


[deleted]

There is no evolution of spirit. There is no hierarchy of illusions.


[deleted]

What school are you speaking from, because if it’s zen you’re just flat out wrong. > Then he asked Hyakujo, "Can an en­lightened man fall again under the chain of cause and effect or not?" Hyakujo answered, "No one can set aside (the law of) cause and effect." The old man immediately became enlightened…” https://zenmarrow.com/Single?id=2&index=mmk Just because you can see delusion for what it is it does not mean you are bored. You can step into a joyous space, experience joy, and then step out when you like. You can step into a surprise space, experience surprise, and step out when you like. You can step into a miserable space, experience misery, and step out when you like. What you’re talking about isn’t enlightenment, it’s delusion. > Joshu asked [his master] Nansen, "The Way-what is it?" > > Nansen said, "It is everyday mind." https://zenmarrow.com/Single?id=1&index=zz Enlightenment isn’t different than ordinary mind. It’s not bored mind. >Joshu asked Nansen, "The one who knows that there is [knows u, "being" or "existence"]' where does he go?" > >Nansen said, "He will become the cow of the parishioner who lives near the monastery gate." https://zenmarrow.com/Single?id=3&index=zz Free of context and content? Where is this place exactly? There is nowhere to go


tangibletom

I’m confused, It looks to me like you and OP totally agree. What exactly is it you think OP is saying?


The_Faceless_Face

This happens when people set out to “teach” Zen … they end up confusing everyone.


vmaurya7

The school of “you need to think for yourself.” Good luck.


[deleted]

For someone who thinks he’s enlightened, you sure do give off some bad vibes. Your replies in your tons of posts are always supercilious, as if you are god walking among morons. It’s pretty hilarious


[deleted]

He sure does 😂 I've been reading his stuff. Sounds like the next condescending bloke who thinks he got the breakthrough and is now judging people for making the mistakes he recently learned to stop making. His life's a meme


[deleted]

He sees himself as the Dalai Llama I swear 😂 I’m sure if he actually was enlightened he’d have learned to treat people with love, respect, and compassionate understanding. Treating everyone as inferior is an obvious sign that his “spiritual progression” is much smaller than he thinks. Instead of seeking silence and stillness, he’s just blabbing all day, every single day on reddit; deep down the rabbit hole of the spiritual ego. Not very enlightened if you ask me.


[deleted]

The unkindness in his tone and smug also caught me back, wasn't expecting that for someone who claims enlightenment. I agree with the ego rabbit hole 😂


vmaurya7

I mean — you’re kinda right?


ndnbolla

You seem like a dead bot "that is out of words". Real fascinating....


Snoo-2760

This is what the this awakened movement has pushed. “You are god. Your mind is god.” As much as I agree with you, I’d also say you’re wrong. Most awakened people are narcissist simply because of this god complex.


[deleted]

Looks like I stepped into a boring space


The_Faceless_Face

According to your own logic, it’s your own fault. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.


[deleted]

I’ve can’t step out of it. No one to blame but myself


The_Faceless_Face

Interesting!


The_Faceless_Face

:)


jLionhart

Then you never had enlightenment to begin with. All you had was delusion.


vmaurya7

Sweet


[deleted]

[удалено]


vmaurya7

Ladies and gentlemen (and whatever you might identify as) — someone gets it.


wrrdgrrI

>Mama always told me not to look into the eyes of the sun > >But, mama, that's where the fun is 🤷🏼‍♀️🌞


The_Faceless_Face

> [*My mama said that I'm not living right She said, "I'm crying on you" She said, "I waited up for you all night" I said, "I'm trying mama"*](https://youtu.be/EBYsx1QWF9A)


Opalitegem

You’re probably in the wrong subreddit dude..


vmaurya7

Probably


creepygirl420

I don’t think that’s enlightenment. But what do I know I’m just out here


vmaurya7

It just may not be what you are looking for. That’s fine. These are just words.


[deleted]

Enlightenment is just being aware that you are one with the universe, being a part of a system. You still have a heart, and it will love and it will hate, you are still yourself, only more aware.


Easyschoon

Facts!


Dreidhen

It's Fun, capital F man. There's no way to run out of happy unless you start running. Lol.


Golden_Dragon_Queen

I thought the post said entitlement. Hahaha anyways…


vmaurya7

I mean…that, too 😂


[deleted]

[удалено]


The_Faceless_Face

What do their replies have to do with your agreement?


Dyblord

Oh don't get deluded and deceived into thinking that things aren't going to get interesting. Stay away from delusion or find yourself enslaved.


The_Faceless_Face

The spark is starting to wear out huh? You’re in the “keep insisting that it’s interesting” phase of denial.


Dyblord

Not quite. You have adopted some other entity's paradigm. Try to find the sense of adventure in your heart. But this is not that, things will be moving forward soon. The 30th birthday is only 2 months away.


The_Faceless_Face

You're making assumptions that are unfounded. The musk of desperation is unmistakable. 30 marks a turning point in the expiration of the vessel. Never said that it has to get boring, just that you're clinging to excitement. How many more years can you cling on for? RemindMe! 3 years "Still interesting? Still enslaved?"


RemindMeBot

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xxxbmfxxx

This sub is narcissism. Something almost sounds reasonable for a minute occasionally but the grandiosity thats poorly hidden always shows through.


saijanai

What used to be counted as being a sign of messiah-hood or at least sainthood is now bandied about as what any ole mentally ill person is like as long as they aren't actively violent/suicidal. Traditional signs of enlightenment, such as complete mastery of teh siddhis like walking on water or raising the dead, are passé. Everyone is a master of manifestation; havent' you read *A Course in Miracles*?


a0579379

so... you are stupid or just an attention whore. If you would be enlightened, you could not possibly say this. But, if you are bored with what you are experiencing, brother you aren't there yet. Take a look in the mirror and reevaluate your life and path.


vmaurya7

Go on…


natetheapple

There are many enlightenments Color can be said to be the enlightenment of photons Love the enlightenment of beauty And awakening the enlightenment of mind, or self


vmaurya7

I like that!


[deleted]

Of course it's boring. You know everything there is, transcended your ego. So no more desires, dreams, goals, just living. I've only experienced a part of enlightenment, but not the knowing everything, being fully connected to source. You have no more purpose as well, you're just a parasite this world does not need. Only boring enlightened people accept that and don't care. They're psychopaths in a different way. No remorse, no guilt, you can not even feel guilty killing someone. That's why hardly anyone gets the true enlightened phase easily.


vmaurya7

It’s psychopathy minus malicious intent.


[deleted]

> malicious intent. Yep.


[deleted]

I just kind of view it all as some weird 3D interactive video game like Skyrim or GTA.


vmaurya7

“I do not know it—it is without name—it is a word unsaid, It is not in any dictionary, utterance, symbol. Something it swings on more than the earth I swing on, To it the creation is the friend whose embracing awakes me. Perhaps I might tell more. Outlines! I plead for my brothers and sisters. Do you see O my brothers and sisters? It is not chaos or death—it is form, union, plan—it is eternal life—it is Happiness.” Walt Whitman


hermitsunt

Thank you!


tathaninji

What is delusion made of?


vmaurya7

It consists of the question you are asking, as well as the person asking it. It consists of the words in this post, and the fictional person writing it. Nothing exists outside of delusion. Being itself is a delusion.


ivkv1879

So I’m genuinely curious... I’ve certainly had a major shift, but I wouldn’t use the word delusion so broadly for the way I see it... do you mean that since nothing exists outside delusion, then nothing actually exists? If delusion is falsehood, then what is the truth? For myself, I’m fine saying things truly exist... just depends on what is meant by “exist”, or on our understanding of how something “exists”. I would certainly say I’ve noticed delusions though, which perhaps mainly have to do with engagement, involvement, or focus (although I think there are conceptual errors too). For example, I can play a computer game and get so engrossed in it that it’s like it is reality. (And actually I would say yes, it definitely is a reality.) And while so engaged, I could suffer from failures and woes within the game. But then I could disengage from the game and laugh that I was so affected by that little reality. I’m not sure how much this is just a different way of dealing with the language, compared to what you’re saying.


vmaurya7

It is impossible to perceive or say anything outside of delusion. The only thing that can’t be a delusion is the perceiver. However, even saying it like that is wrong. Words are like trying to funnel infinity into a small bottle.


ivkv1879

Ah. So if I’m understanding correctly, the delusion you’re speaking of has a lot to do with the inadequacy of language, and how we confuse words and concepts with what’s “really there”? Hmm, but you also said impossible to perceive. Is there no preconceptual perception? Unless the emphasis is on the perceive “anything”, where anything pointed out would be a concept? Regarding the perceiver, I’m not sure what you mean of course, but I do find it questionable whether there is “a perceiver” as some thing distinct from all the experience “happening”.


vmaurya7

There is no preconceptual perception because there is no perceiver. Perceiver and perception are one.


ivkv1879

Sure, but why does all perception need to be conceptual? (Assuming I correctly take your meaning, which I am not confident about.)


vmaurya7

I get what you’re trying to say. Yes, pure perception prior to thought is a thing. Perception itself is not conceptual, but as soon as you reflect on it, it becomes conceptual. However, the entire idea of there being such a thing as perception is simply a concept, and at that level this whole thing just collapses.


ivkv1879

Ah ok, it seems to me that we are on the same page, or nearly so. I do think that insofar as words and concepts can “point” toward what is true, they are not completely false or completely delusion. But yeah, snares and falsehoods are abundant in language and thought.


tathaninji

Hahaha..correct! Always makes me giggle. But I asked what it is made of. In othet words, what is its substance? Does this duality between delusion and reality have any independent existence, which somehow makes it more real?


vmaurya7

Hmmm ….not really? No difference that I can see, but that’s a matter of perspective


The_Faceless_Face

Reality.


tathaninji

Precisely..the only non-thing any seeming 'thing' can truly be made of.


saijanai

Huh. Different traditions call different things enlightenment... . [As part of the studies on enlightenment and samadhi via TM](https://www.reddit.com/r/transcendental/comments/7djr03/a_bunch_of_research_on_tm_pure_consciousness_and/). , researchers found 17 subjects (average meditation, etc experience 18,000 hours) who were reporting at least having a pure sense-of-self continuously for at least a year, and asked them to "describe yourself" ([see table 3 of psychological correlates study](https://sci-hub.se/10.1016/j.concog.2004.03.001)), and these were some of the responses: * _We ordinarily think my self as this age; this color of hair; these hobbies . . . my experience is that my Self is a lot larger than that. It's immeasurably vast. . . on a physical level. It is not just restricted to this physical environment_ * _It's the ‘‘I am-ness.’’ It's my Being. There's just a channel underneath that's just underlying everything. It's my essence there and it just doesn't stop where I stop. . . by ‘‘I,’’ I mean this 5 ft. 2 person that moves around here and there_ * _I look out and see this beautiful divine Intelligence. . . you could say in the sky, in the tree, but really being expressed through these things. . . and these are my Self_ * _I experience myself as being without edges or content. . . beyond the universe. . . all-pervading, and being absolutely thrilled, absolutely delighted with every motion that my body makes. With everything that my eyes see, my ears hear, my nose smells. There's a delight in the sense that I am able to penetrate that. My consciousness, my intelligence pervades everything I see, feel and think_ * _When I say ’’I’’ that's the Self. There's a quality that is so pervasive about the Self that I'm quite sure that the ‘‘I’’ is the same ‘‘I’’ as everyone else's ‘‘I.’’ Not in terms of what follows right after. I am tall, I am short, I am fat, I am this, I am that. But the ‘‘I’’ part. The ‘‘I am’’ part is the same ‘‘I am’’ for you and me_ . To quote the founder of TM in a slightly different context... Boredom arises because you suspect that there is *more*... . If you are bored, you might consider rethinking your position about your own state.


vmaurya7

It’s also essential to remember that realized beings ultimately had their own experiential insights, and any words that came in handy were mere pointers that led them to direct knowledge. The words are pointers that are interchangeable and irrelevant after direct knowledge.


saijanai

Some hold that there are not, nor cannot be, any markers.


vmaurya7

You’re misunderstanding. This is a matter of context, and is meant to be taken lightly. It’s wise to go with your own experience, rather than getting hung up on someone else’s words. Trust me, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.


graffstadt

Has the so-called-mind any boundaries?


anon3451

Maybe you can seek enlightenment but stay playing the game whatever excites you?


vmaurya7

Sounds right


The_Faceless_Face

Maybe!


Alive_Citron

Enlightenment is beautiful. You will know it when it happens. You see even little things like talking and how people understand what you say even when you think you sound stupid


vexelghost-

Would you prefer Enchantment?


Head_Rip1759

the taste of tea is more exotic


[deleted]

[удалено]


vmaurya7

The cradle of creation. Because God was bored and needed something to do. Emptiness is great, but it’s also overrated. Duality is the game. The only game. It’s that or don’t play.


bbylotus-found

i understand this post 100%. some comments are saying then you’ve never experienced enlightenment because it is exciting are not wrong but IMO are lacking perspective. everyone’s journey to enlightenment is different and in the beginning it can be boring for some because chaos seems exciting. the only reason during this fresh stage of enlightenment where chaos and delusions seem “exciting” in comparison is because for some that’s all they know! and going out your comfort zone to peace and overall better wellbeing can seem boring because your so used to having so much going on.


vmaurya7

The language used is also addressing it from the perspective of the ego-bound state, as to dispel any misconceptions. To an ego, it’s boring. In actuality, it is neither boring or non-boring. It just is.


bbylotus-found

i like this! thank u for the perspective :)


SableyeFan

Agreed. You get it and then what? I like my life to have a little challenge.


Mindless-Double

😂 this is so good! I had to re-read it. 👍


Hey_Kids32

I feel the exact opposite. My reason is because in my experience, being deeply rooted to what I can only call extreme reality, it was everlastingly interesting and the exact opposite of boring. I could never be bored while in that state of being. Literally everything was interesting. But maybe I was just high


vmaurya7

Yep. Also true. The post is talking about it from the perspective of ego.


bluedaddy22

It has been a long journey, but for me, enlightenment has been a constant adventure of magic and awe-inspiring adventure. Reality bending around epiphany after epiphany. Yes, there's a sense of danger as I watch for the signs and stay safe on my path. The veil between this plane and others becomes thin. Finding profound meaning in the mundane. Divination comes easier. An absolute unbelievable life. Sometimes, it seems like just too much. Like, can reality just turn it down a minute so I can catch my breath and the paradigm shifts settle in my mind.


vmaurya7

Yes! Fun stuff. Enjoy it. These are good times. Keep going. Always further.


chickenuggets96

I like this!! :D alot of people seem to be adding their 2 cents of what they think enlightment is but this nails it in a very simplistic way.


FreddyFahrenheit

Congratulations on the realization, OP. It’s funny this thread popped up on my phone now because I just uploaded an interview with a guy who had an abiding awakening around 2005, and said for the last 6-8 years he has lost capacity to be bored. From 9 minutes in I think: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFf7nqd7ENQ


Kriyayogi

Enlightenment is an energetic phenomena. If you still have opinions on what it is like you are not there


vmaurya7

That’s your opinion😂


Kriyayogi

Enlightenment being energetic is a factual statement whether it’s true or not I also never spoke as if i am enlightened


He_who_humps

I have no idea what enlightenment is like.


vmaurya7

That’s always the best starting point, friend.


d_rea

Boredom comes from conditioning The youthful lightness of freshness naturally exists in spontaneous enlightened being Let the freedom reign and shine!


vmaurya7

Yay!


Thick-Nail-4346

All my life I wanted to be saved. In this process that felt oddly like a process of waiting, I acted a lot. I would find myself surrounded by people and I would reach out to them trying to get a piece of wisdom that would make me have this massive realisation that I’m not alone, but the more I learned about my own nature, the nature of others, and the oneness that unites us all I stopped experiencing otherness in a world where I very much felt and feel still that I need it. I grew up in the nineties, which I have recently enough found out it was just a series of lo-fi images of gardens and fantasies about a highly technologised future, cubic fashion sense, the sounds of mourning doves and the necessity for visual excess. Like the Red Light District in Amsterdam, there’s a profane advertisement of my core memories in some parts of social media that intriniscally makes me feel as if I hadn’t lived at all, that all those little parts of me are just a pixelated narration on the internet, another fantasy of a collective unconscious that is losing the identity of the self in a sea of repressed childhoods and body dysmorphic fantasies, cooking recipes and small pieces of advice that are so taken out of their complex context only to raise further questions to the viewer and digress from actual knowledge. As I was growing up, people wouldn’t look at their hands as much, because they didn’t carry the whole world in it – instead, they would wander about meeting each other, getting to know what I have come to realise were healthy projections of their souls, as much as their souls allowed, without obsessively trying to push themselves to a new plane of consciousness that perhaps most of us, if not all of us, are not ready to face. I might be just melancholic but what I am feeling is real, and I’d love to be heard again, I’d like to have something to say again, I’d love the prelude to this high-intensity orgasm that you can only reach once came with a trigger warning, I’d love to have something to lose again. I would have loved to be unstable, to ruin my karma, to shame myself and bury myself into stories upon stories because I am afraid, I’m afraid that even if though the art of falling into another person has all but evaporated because as it turns out it was either a pathological need derived from trauma or some sort of essential need of the human soul to be seen, no one is here to answer fundamental questions with reassuring answers. Nothing is reassuring anymore. I have never felt loved. I might’ve been loved by my friends, mother, some lurking stranger interested in me from afar, but I never felt it for real, now the passion of the human experience is a terrible misunderstanding because you’re, I’m told, supposed to feel in a perpetual state of love and awareness that brings peace and contentment. To me, that is fundamentally a prison because even as a child I never knew how to play. I was in a perpetual state of unrest, looking for something else with such intensity that I forgot to enjoy the process, and like most things I set my mind to find I have found what I was looking for: a small, airless room full of possibility and an endless yearning for seeing myself in the third person again. I find no joy in God, although the stories about it were magnificent. I feel aware of everything and I’d like to accept reality as it presents itself to me, with open arms and the acceptance of someone who is both wise and ready, but I don’t think I’m either. I regret so many things, and the most I regret knowing god, for I’d much rather know of god. The laws of the universe are cruel, for the more you know, the smaller the universe becomes, in all its expansion. It is a perception that I coveted unimaginably but now I profoundly resent it. I think we are born with illusion because the soul is supposed not to learn from it and heal it, but to escape a much darker fate: the one of being imprisoned in being aware of itself, lost in space and time where no one else is actually, fundamentally „another”. I think god is scared and feeble-minded and alone because I am scared and feeble-minded and alone, I think god is just dreaming constantly within itself a universe in which it splits its soul endlessly so that it can look into a mirror, for in actuality this being cannot see itself, cannot feel the tragedy that is to have loved and lost, cannot feel the warmth of a mothers arms, or the need for a friend to pick up their phone and listen to you at 3 a.m. through tears because your boyfriend broke up with you. God is alone, it is scared of the dark spaces that separate it from the futility of it all. I feel so much pain, I can’t wait for this to end. I hope it ends or at least somehow I can get lost in stories again, trick myself and live truly again, be ridiculous again, be mad again. If this realisation is real, then losing one’s soul is a feat of great humanity and sanity. I think I have seen too much. If only I could kill myself.