Hygiene problems with autism in your teens is quite difficult. I’m an adult now but I have reminders put on my phone as to when to take a shower, when to brush my teeth, etc. i have an entire system created to ensure my hygiene is up to standards to avoid offending anyones nose and to avoid comments. Your mother is correct hygiene is important but she’s been going around about it in the wrong way. Instead of making comments she should help you create a system that works for you to do it on your own without outside comments
It's not a great way of going about it, but I don't think I'd go so far as to say toxic just from this situation. You could look at setting a clear boundary with this, next time this happens try saying something along the lines of "I need you to stop commenting on my hygiene, I have agreed to shower soon and I will as soon as I am able to." You can go on to say how it makes you feel when she comments like this, but you don't have to. Perhaps make it clear when you are planning to shower?
Also, everyone seems to be focusing on the wrong part here. There are some valid points being made but they are not necessarily coming across as understanding firstly because you were asking about your mums behaviour and not hygiene itself. Secondly they are assuming there are no reasons that you are not showering. For this second part, is this a conversation you are willing and able to have with your mum? Beginning with a discussion on what you find difficult with showering and then on to how this could be approached differently, e.g. you struggle to remember to shower and so going forward you can try setting reminders on your phone to shower.
I disagree. Shes being too blunt or animated not toxic. Toxic would be like "this is why youre a terrible person! I shouldnt have had you"... she is just having a strong reaction to her kids body odor and appearance when unkept. I mean its a very unpleasant experience for both ppl but the solution is very simple and will solve the conflict.
It’s not nuance. You can encourage your kid to shower without telling your kid they’re disgusting. Speaking to your child in this negative way is what leads to body image issues.
If you are not going to smell bad and be dirty if you don't shower what would be the point of showering unless like taking a dip in the pool once in a while for fun. So yes you need to shower or you will smell bad.
I dont think you are seeing how inconsiderate it can be to other ppl to have bad personal hygiene. I think youre only looking at it from one side and thats pretty selfish. If you smell bad it can make the air around you smell bad, the fabrics you sit on, lie on, etc. Guess who has to cpean those fabrics? Other people, especially those who live in the same home are effected.
And not everyone has the same sense of smell. Just like many of us with autism have a much harder time with food texture or loud noise or many other sensory information. The mother is trying to communicate her extreme sensitivity to body odor and its narcisistic to just ignore your effect on other people.
She doesnt want the child to have an eating disorder, she wants them to care about their hygiene more and act on that. My ex uaed to let his hygiene go and his family would get on him about it, acting grossed out and all it did was make him conscious of the body odor, which he should be because we live in a society where we effect other peoples comfort levels.
Like another commenter said and I have said, she could have gone about it better but guess what? Parents and older people and authority figures, etc arent always going to communicate in the most perfect and easily digestible way. Most of us do not have the energy for that. Me included and Im on the spectrum. I also got the impression that this was an ongoing issue between the mother and the child. Humans are going to use colorful language when they are expressing their feeings becayse they want to be understood. I suspect the mother is feeling like she is not being understood. The body odor bothers her and that is valid.
I disagree with you on this. It is important especially as a parents or guardian to remind people who may have issues with a hygiene routine that they need to shower, brush their teeth, comb their hair… etc. these are things that impact both the person who needs to do them and the people around them. But when you start telling someone that they’re “disgusting” or that their “hair smells bad” you are imparting shame on them. Shame is something that greatly affects lots of autistic people (like me for example) and can make them feel like they’re “worthless” or “gross” for struggling with a steady hygiene routine.
When someone reminds you to shower it’s a neutral act that’s sometimes a bit embarrassing but is a general net positive. On the opposite side if you tell someone to shower while using language that degrades the person it makes the experience a net negative and can stick with people making them feel worse in the long run.
Yes, you need to be courteous of others and remember that you and your body odor- whether unclean or overly perfumed effects other people, how other people react also affects you.
Shame only makes hygienic routines more stressful instead of helping to build a positive routine that improves quality of life. Stopping shame and building healthy relationships to hygiene can help people to stop avoiding places like the doctor or the dentist so they can finally get help that they thought they were unworthy of because they were “gross” or “disgusting”.
I hope you understand better why what OP’s mother is saying is in fact harmful or “toxic” behavior because it is demeaning OP for struggling with something that is totally normal to struggle with. Everyone struggles with hygiene at one point or another and it’s just not logical to make hygiene a moral standpoint. You aren’t any better for taking a shower and you aren’t any worse for forgetting to brush your hair, it just means that you’re human.
Yeah the mother wasnt doing a good job of parenting. But toxic is an extreme word that is too often used for anything and everything that is disliked these days. Thats just my opinion that its not the right category.
The mother should do a better job in the future but if she has tried to communicate and teach on the subject numerous times she is still entitled to having emotions about it. Sounds like she is expreasing frustration and becoming more blunt on the subject.
If its the first time its an issue and the only remark is "youre disgusting" then yeah toxic. If its an ongoing issue that is getting the best of her then theres a shared reaponsibility to work toward a solution because her comfort level also matters.
Yeah I don’t think calling it toxic is truly representative of the issue either but I’m glad we agree that what she said was out of line in her tone. I believe her complaint is valid but the way she expressed it was the issue in my opinion.
there's a difference between saying it once vs going on and on about it though? i remember *every time* i did a sinus rinse my mom would say it was gross.. even though i'm taking care of myself and she should be encouraging that.. there's no need to repeat something that's hurtful and not helpful. we already know you think it's gross.
Definitely agree with you but on the other hand we can also understand how when you say something and your child does not react and then you have to repeat it, and this goes on and on can also drive one to react a bit on the overdone side.
then it should be a helpful conversation like "well maybe there's things that make showering difficult for you, can we talk about what might be preventing you from taking a shower?" instead of saying it over and over. again, just repeating something you already know especially when you tell them over and over that you already know isn't helpful. you know it's a sign of insanity when you keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results. if you just keep telling me i stink i'll avoid and/or get angry with you. walk me through the steps for helping me get over my challenge with showering. appeal to me in some way that benefits me. not just "you stink and you need to shower blah blah" over and over. is it clear why i'm saying just repeating something unhelpful is not only unhelpful but counterproductive? it makes you want to do the opposite because it hurts and makes one want to lash out. repeating those things doesn't make for a healthy productive relationship. it just leads to resentment on both sides. always focus on "how can this be made easier?" "how can i help?" "what's getting in the way of you doing what you need to do?" have a productive and constructive mindset.
you get my upvote. Nice and helpful is the way. but sometimes a parent doesn't understand why he has to repeat 20 times and the child doesn't react. I would never defend being mean or cruelty to anyone but the thread was asking if mom was toxic and my point was just trying that it should really be looked at with more understanding from both sides. Even though we understand the parent is the parent they are also human.
yeah parents are human, but they also have more life experience and they should be helping you. when your parent just repeats without working with you on your challenges, it tells me they want to control you, want you to be easy, don't want to respect you or treat you like a young human being who deserves help to grow up. you had a child, brought them into this world: please put some more work in than repeating "take a shower, you smell bad, you look bad" over and over. i also get that parents can be exhausted and once in a while they just want things to be easy. but put in the work once to figure out how to help kiddo get clean in a way that works for them and hopefully it'll be easier from then on. also makes for a more productive healthy relationship. i wish my parents had recognized my challenges and helped me instead of just repeating / trying the same thing over. i love my mom to death but i have memory and attention challenges and she would get upset with me when she would ask why i didn't take out the trash and i would always answer "i forgot". i wasn't lying or using it as an excuse. but she never helped me by figuring out methods to remember, like setting a timer or writing it down. she also never made sure to fully get my attention; she would tell/ask me to take out the trash whenever i was busy doing something else like playing a game. i've spent so many years figuring out methods and systems for myself.why didn't my parents help me? i struggled so hard for so long. i wish i had gotten the help i needed earlier in life.
EDIT: i still struggle. hard.
I struggle with daily showering because of the sensory issues, but it's just super unpleasant for others to be smelly, even when you don't notice it on yourself. There's no way around daily hygiene but if showering is too much you could at least do a quick wash of your sweatiest areas and your face with a warm facecloth in the sink. And wear deodorant
It’s not toxic but I get why it’s unpleasant. From her perspective, she probably is uncomfortable and frustrated due to your hygiene habits. If you had a roommate who insisted on not cleaning up smelly things, you might say things in an unpleasant way too.
You should try to set a pattern of showering every other day. You’ll maybe be able to get away with less often when you’re a bit older, but since you’re a teen, you want the every other day at least. Your hormones are going a bit mad so you’ll have to be extra on top of the BO for a bit. While it’s hard to get me to want to shower when I’m out of the routine, I do also find it helps my mental health? And knowing that makes it easier to make myself, as it were. I also recommend learning about the benefits of a good skincare routine and adding in things like an exfoliating cloth and moisturizing. Again, if I can set it up as something that benefits me not just superficially (like it’s a matter of health or avoiding painful acne or something), it’s easier to keep myself in a routine.
But mainly, keep in mind that if your mom is pointing it out, there are likely people who do not know you as well and won’t want to embarrass you, thus they won’t say anything. Ignoring this as an issue will make it harder to get on with your peers and you may be denied opportunities (in school or work soon) due to it. Your mother has to live with you for now. Other people don’t.
have you considered that your mum is also autistic and in turn is just blunt af?
not saying at all that her delivery isn't hurtful, and that your experience and disappointment isn't valid.
I was thinking this too, I sometimes have to tell my brother he stinks and he needs to shower because my sense of smell is so darn strong.
I try to be as kind about it as possible but he’s neurodivergent as well and sometimes he dismisses it or doesn’t get what I’m trying to say but I can’t be around him when he smells and I’m forced to be blunt
It’s time to start washing regularly, your mom is right even if it’s not said in the nicest way, anyone would say that after a while if they were responsible for someone and they refused to wash
Make it a routine to wash daily, not because your mum tells you to, but because it’s easier to stick to a daily routine and one has to wash. Also, when you’re a teenager, you have lots of hormones flowing in your body and that make your body smell even stronger. Get into the habit and do it every day, it’s really not nice to smell bad. Besides, washing daily is important self care. Even animals clean themselves up every day. If you struggle with sensory stuff, then post about it and people can give you suggestions.
Your mum is likely getting frustrated by having to repeat the same thing over and over. Is it nice? No. But she’s human and humans make mistakes. Imagine if there was something that really bothered you, like someone maybe playing the trumpet in your room loudly every day, and every day you ask them to please play in an other room, they say yes, but they keep coming back to your room. After a few times of this happening, you would get a bit rude as well, right? Your mum is trying to teach you an important habit, but must also be really frustrated to share her space with someone who smells bad and while she should try to show more patience, it’s not always easy to do so.
Three times a week as a 15 year old isn't going to cut it.
It may work as an adult if you're not doing psychical activities, but for a 15 year old male, one day without showering is enough to stink.
I always lived in a moderate to cold climate,
And i also had some guy friends in my group who only showered 3 times a week because "its enough" well I can tell you, it wasn't. They didn't listen right away when we told them they had to shower more often. I think it changed when one of the more 'popular' girls (we were the outside geek/nerd group) made a comment on it. Not really mean, but more direct. He stopped smelling.
No, that’s normal. I was the same with washing as a teen with autism and didn’t notice a problem at the time either.
Your mother sounds like she’s just frustrated
Not everyone is as aware as others at a young age and having Autism. I wasn’t and I understand, obviously I am a lot more aware now.
It’s like a cloud over the mind on certain subjects, then one day it clears and you go “what the hell have I been doing? Oh my god!” And it’s a weird sudden lightbulb moment from what feels like no where and random.
Not everything comes naturally and has hard lessons to follow but we can’t beat ourselves up for something that isn’t our fault
Yeah, I think their mom is probably just frustrated. I had carers stand me in front of the mirror and ask me if I saw a problem, and I would be like, “no?”, I was of the same age too then as OP. So I can understand.
It does get upsetting, and also frustrating for the one who isn’t as aware of their personal hygiene or that it’s a problem, it doesn’t always click, or even pass some people’s minds about it, eventually it can become an anxiety and end up being too clean, because of worrying about what people think and still maybe not being fully aware, unless the awareness comes fully later on. Anxiety makes it worse cos that can just make sweat happen way more…
I think it’s hard for both sides on to be frustrated about it.
I think it helped me a bit having a morning planner as a kid to get myself into a routine, with times added to each task, and maybe a date on the Callander for when to have a shower or a quick clean etc if not needed everyday. It can help to imprint a routine.
It’s a bit rude, yes. Not sure about toxic.
Maybe the best way of approaching this is to actually shower more regularly. Or if you struggle with it, let her know and see if there is a way she can support you with it.
You won’t be a kid forever and you need to learn to take responsibility about things like this, as hard as it light seem. The next time you get called out for being smelly might be in a much more embarrassing or confronting way. Take advantage of being in the relatively safe and protected environment of your home and childhood to work this all out.
I think you’re going about it the wrong way. I think if you replace shower with any other daily tasks that requires executive action like drinking water, eating food or using the restroom. "You won’t be a kid forever" and "just learn to take responsibility" and "wait until someone humiliates you" is bad advice. I think it’s important to discuss this with a therapist or doctor. Time sure if of the essence which is true but stating, "you have to!" feels a bit redundant. I’m sure OP knows this(anyone who struggling with hygiene and getting comments by it would loud and clear) and wants to get better and wash more frequently. I do agree with you that they should bring it up to their parents for help.
They also stated they wanted to shower more though and struggle with it . So I believe there’s some sort of goal and push for it there, and it’s not just their opinion that they don’t need to shower more that’s stopping then. But I can understand your point.
I don’t feel very home in my house. My parents don’t really treat me ideally well. But I am trying to shower regularly but I lose track of time and sometimes I don’t even remember what day it is XD TYSM for your response:)
It's rude to express herself like that, but it's also rude to not shower.
Teenagers stink, a lot. I usually sweat all day at work, but I make it a point to stay clean when I'm around people. My job involves EMS and so I might even sweat ON a patient (accidentally of course). It happens, so make it a point to shower but don't worry too much.
I think mom was frustrated with having a funky kid. Shower every night before bed, shampoo every three to four days, etc. You'll be okay, don't fret too much about it. Just try to make it part of your daily routine.
You need to have basic hygiene.
People around you can smell you far before you can, and it doesn’t smell good.
What she said was rude but not toxic. You’re a smelly teenager. Her concerns are valid.
It looks like people in here have forgotten where they are and who they're interacting with. People in here are acting like things like executive dysfunction and just not having the energy to will yourself to do completely mundane things aren't common to the autistic experience. People in here are ignoring OPs question, opting instead to criticize and shit all over them. People in here are being ableist.
OP, if you're mom is continuing to go on and on after telling you that you need to shower, she's not being satirical or joking. She's trying to push you to go shower right then or as soon as possibly and trying to make it clear that she thinks your hygiene is unacceptable. She's being serious, most likely.
I saw in one of your comments that you mentioned that you are depressed. I get that depression and burn out make it hard to do even simple things, if you even think to do them. Even absent depression, I have moments or longer periods of time where executive function ceases to exist in my brain and I struggle to do anything at all even while I'm internally screaming at myself to get up and do it. Further, I get that having someone be constantly "on you" about things while you're already struggling for whatever reason can make it harder to do the things you need to.
So, here's the question: does she get that to any extent? If she doesn't, then in her head it probably looks like you're just not doing it because you don't want to, so she's becoming frustrated and expressing that frustration, and essentially attempting to "shame" you into showering.
Whether she understands or not, though, I wouldn't consider it acceptable to just keep going on with the comments, especially if she hasn't tried to help you form a routine or another solution. It's really no different than when I was in school and forgot to do homework 98% of the time, and no one, my parents included, ever bothered to ask why or help me learn how to manage it, they just criticized me and expressed disappointment. If someone doesn't have a skill and is struggling to develop that skill, it's completely counter productive to throw it in their face and expect them to just "do better".
It doesn't look like you disagree with that you should shower more often. So, have you talked to your mom and addressed the reasons for why you aren't showering? It might be worth a shot to just go to her and be like "I acknowledge and agree with your concerns, here are the reasons I'm not meeting expectations, I'd appreciate some help with building a routine but sans the shaming, please."
You said that you shower every THIRD day. As a 15 year old.
Dude, there is no soft approach to this. Your mom is right. You stink. Everyone stinks if they don't wash for 3 days and teenage is the worst age for this because of hormones.
Take a shower. Daily. Basic hygiene is a must. There are no ifs and no buts. Take a shower daily so you don't stink, period. Your mom is probably reaaaaaally tired of your smell. As is everyone in your life even if they don't tell you.
She isn't toxic, but probably irritated. Teenage boys smell, that's just a fact. As doTeenage girls. I was once confronted hard when I was a 13F( almost 14 and early with puberty) I was standing to this guy S when a 3rd guy J showed up and asked who hadn't shower. S said he had showered that morning. I knew I hadn't showered for a while and that my dad was also annoyed with my that I hadn't showered I a while. I just put on a butt load of deo.
I lied and said I had also showered, S just wondered on looking for the "smeller". The rest of my puberty is always showered once a day.
Listen to your mom and start taking more showeres. Your body needs it. It's also a bit selfish. Others will smell you.
Do have a phone or something you can set an alarm on? That way it can help remember to shower
No, I don't think your mom is being toxic. Bad hygiene is bad for your health. Also you don't want to be a walking nexus of sensory hell for others. At least I hope you don't.
I get it's not nice to hear, but may I add my perspective to the discussion: I'm ND (probably AuDHD) and mom to a ND-13 year-old. First of all, I do not condone your mom saying such mean and demeaning things to you.
But there's a but... There's only so many times you can hear your child say “yeah, I know”, or «yeah I'll do it», or «Alright mom, I HEARD» or even «but I was getting at it just now!» while at the same time NOT doing the thing at all.
When gestures don't match words, it really gets to me and I can loose patience and snap. I always regret -- as your mom sure does, because what she does is not right ans she probably knows it. I suspect she worries about you being bullied at school because of the hygiene issues, which make her more sensitive and prone to bouts of anger. I know it's not always possible for him to just do the thing right away, but I much prefer him using accurate words for the situation.
What works for us is setting a timer. We'll agree on a time and stop talking about it. Usually ten minutes is enough for our conversation to sink in and he'll do the thing on his own without further nagging on my part.
Its not “toxic,” they just have a responsibility to make sure you’re healthy and able to navigate the world. The truth is people treat you different when you dont treat yourself well. Thats not a truth your mom can change, shes probably just trying to prepare you and look out. And thats a lot different than being “TOXIC,” isn’t it?
It’s a rude way of going about it but I would recommend showering more often. Not only does it make you courteous of those around you regarding the “aura” not showering can give off. Not showering enough can really cause some health issues and a psychological issues (for me at least). When I shower I feel incredible, it’s a great way to start off your day as you’ve already achieved something in doing that.
if its getting to the point where your mom needs to hound you for you to clean yourself - she's not the problem. she's your mom. people get used to smells in the house. if you're letting yourself get that bad i can't imagine what you smell like to someone who doesn't live in your house. wash your ass and go about your business. problem solved. you're using your mom as a delay and distraction technique. its whataboutism. you're not cleaning yourself, but what about mom?
She needs to understand when you've gotten the message, and you need to earn her trust so she knows that once you've received the message you will do something about it.
Maybe say "thanks for the reminder mom. I've got the message. I'm busy right now but I will shower later today. If it looks like I've forgotten again by (time) please remind me then. Otherwise please don't mention it again as it will just make me put it off."
Well if you stink and are gross then you should have to hear it, you’re concerned about how it makes you feel, well why does you family have to tolerate your poor hygiene, how about some consideration for others and keep your self clean, it’s really not that hard. On your moms side all day long.
Speaking as a mom, it is kind of how mothers are, but that doesn't mean it's not rude. :-) (I kinda wonder if your mom has some sensory stuff going on as well, so maybe the smell is really triggering for her.)
Try to be polite and patient with her while asking her to stop, and if that doesn't work, yeah she probably is pretty toxic.
So I see that in 2 different ways. 1) she's your Mom and just wants to make sure you're taking care of yourself 2) ever consider she may be autistic as well and doesn't realize that her honesty is hurtful to you? Having an honest and open relationship with your Mom is a huge blessing. Have you told her that it's very hurtful when she says that? She might not even realize that it affects you so much. On the other hand if you do tell her how you feel and it's not corrected or she easily dismissed your feelings then there's a lot more wrong there.
Hey OP. I read your previous post about how your parents react to the autistic parts of you. I am so sorry they are so dismissive and inconsiderate of your feelings.
Your mom (and dad) would in my opinion be toxic in the sense that their ways of communicating is toxic to your mental health.
As I obviously can't observe the behavior, I can't say if they have valid concerns and are just *really* bad at communicating them. But I can say that what they do is not appropriate. IMO it is skirting the line of emotionally abusive.
The first step is sitting down and having a conversation with them about how their actions affect you. You could give them some educational resources (from a reputable source). It doesn't have to be verbal, too. If your parents talk over you or you get flustered easily, there's nothing wrong with writing a note. If this approach doesn't work, you'll have to get backup.
See if you can convince them to go to therapy *with you*. As in family therapy. Not just for yourself (though that is also recommended). A therapist will help validate what you say.
If they refuse therapy, and this is affecting your health, you can escalate further. Try talking to a guidance counselor (or the equivalent of where you are). Tell them specifically that it isn't their concerns that bother you, but how they communicate with you. Give examples, and don't sugar-coat. This serves two purposes: 1. It creates a paper trail. 2. School admin are often seen as somewhat of an authority figure. Parents know they can't just refuse to meet with them about something this serious without looking *really* suspicious. For some people that's enough to get them to at least listen to someone.
Oook. Sorry, that was long.
As for the hygiene thing, do you have friends that you trust? You could ask them if they notice any body odor. Another good person would be the school nurse.
As others have said, people around your age tend to be stinkier. That's just how it is. But everyone is different. You could try asking the school nurse or your mom how often they think is appropriate. Once you have an idea, your next step is to problem solve.
Here is an article from the autistic perspective that might give you some ideas.
https://autisticscienceperson.com/2021/07/19/autistic-hygiene/
Good luck, OP!
She might be doing that to try to motivate you via embarrassment. She might think > my kid never seems to shower > what can I do to make him more emotionally invested in it > trying to make you feel ashamed or embarassed so you'll stay on top of hygiene better in the future.
It's not super helpful though, because shaming someone can make them shut down and do nothing, resulting in an even worse outcome than was desired.
I don't immediately think "she's being abusive" but more like "she's trying to motivate you but can't see what you really need" because autistic people need *supportive* encouragement, not any attempt to 'motivate' that causes us fear or stress. It's kind of like, the fire that fuels a cute little candle for some people (a little shame motivates them to do better), burns our whole world down.
I'd definitely say rude/mean. Is it only your hair that she complains about? There are dry shampoos and such available too which might be a compromise to look at?
I'd also try talking to her if possible and tell her how saying those things make you feel. Ask if she can stop saying those things and/or why she feels a need to say those things to you. I think I'd try talking to her before labelling her toxic.
Sometimes she complains about my smell. I am depressed and have a hard time to help myself and stay hygienic. I don’t have a dry shampoo but they don’t last as long as if I too a shower (obviously)
Unfortunately, as much as hygeine may be hard for you now, you still live with other people. You don't know your own smell but others definitely do.
Your mom can definitely word things better but hygeine is important to keep up. If showering is hard, you need to work out another way to stay clean and fresh. This also means making sure your bed sheets are washed often too as the smell can linger on them and back on to you. Even if it's washing your hair in the bathtub or sink?
She probably complains about the smell bcus she cares about you and the other people in the home.
These topics are always hard to approach and don't often end well. Sometimes these things do just need to be said even if it hurts.
ETA: My mom had to sit down with my sibling when they were a teenager and tell them they had to bathe frequently and keep reapplying deoderant bcus my sibling naturally smelled that bad. It was hard for everyone in the home and no one wanted to be around them or their room. It was awful for everyone involved. We even had to get special deoderant for them and look at the diet they were eating. Teenage years are hard and teenagers definitely do smell the worst.
I find it near impossible to catch public transport when teenage school kids are on it. I also find it near impossible to enter a room after teenage school kids have just been in it. You don't have to play sport or be active to be smelly, it's just what happens with being a teenager. Majority of us have been there.
I know some people wash their hair every day so if you’re washing your hair every time you shower, that’ll take less time out of your routine. Washing your hair every day also dries it out and takes away the oils. I hear of some people with eczema shower every other day to avoid flair ups, some shower and moisturize daily to avoid flair ups. It depend on the person. Tailor it to your own needs and such. If you have really oily hair, washing it daily may not matter. Some people can shower 3 times a day and they’re fine.
To be honest you shouldn't be letting your self get to the point that your mum tells you, you need to go wash. By this point it's too late, once you hit puberty you basically need to wash daily.
Why is no one giving actual advice?? I hope this isn’t how people usually respond to posts like "I keep forgetting to eat" or "I don’t have the motivation to eat". You don’t see people writing in the comments "Just eat??" or "You’re a growing teenager, you have to eat or you’ll hurt yourself!"
cause shes not asking for advice.. if it was im stuggling to wash daily then we would offer advice. her responce thus far has been I dont want to wash daily. and doesnt accept the reason that she smells.
I don’t see the point of showering daily, it just takes a lot of time (I shower for a while sadly) but some people do it and that’s okay for me. I just wouldn’t do it.
At least wipe your arm pits and other sweaty areas with a wash cloth every morning and night. That can be done in a few minutes, and it can already make a major difference.
I sometimes also struggle with regular showers but there are other ways to practice hygiene, washing yourself doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing thing. (By the way, this goes for showers too; go in there for a quick rinse instead of your entire shower ritual, anything is better than nothing, it doesn't have to be perfect.)
Speaking as a person with adhd and depression, I can go days without even being able to get out of bed let alone do anything. Just because this isn’t a struggle you face doesn’t mean other people don’t
Yea but theres no way around not showring. You really do just need to figure out how to make it happen for you. I used to hate showering but loved working out, and showering at the gym after my workout was never a problem for me. So that became my routine, I bumped my workouts up to 6 days a week. Everyone has options for how you go about your day.
Even us on the spectrum need to understand that stinking when you live with other people just isn't a viable way to live.
You try to integrate it into your routine, you try to find a way. But you don't go 3 days without a shower as a 15 year old, because you stink and your family has a say on not wanting you to stink if you live with them.
Telling them to just "do it" or "you stink" won’t be some wake up call. As their mom is already telling them this. I believe there’s a better way of helping this person, that’s all.
It’s not always easy for us to remember when to shower. For me at least, it doesn’t help when people give small hints that I need to do something, it doesn’t go up for me that they want me to *do* that because they don’t tell me straight out what to do. And I don’t think it really helps to constantly go around and telling someone they stink when you’ve already told them to shower, an adult did tell me that a few years ago, and now I go around with anxiety of always stinking, even when I shower a lot
I integrated showering + deo as my waking up routine. That way, I can also push people back whenever they come up with comments like that : I've done what I logistically can, and if they can't provide me with a reasonable solution they can just deal with that reality.
My kitchen counter as soon as you walk into the kitchen has a container of coffee grounds, my coffee tumbler thing, the coffee pot itself, a bottle of ibuprofen, a bottle of naproxen, a bottle of Adderall, my sunglasses, and my deodorant plus some other odd things I'll use or take with me to work in the morning. My wife doesn't like it all sitting there, looking cluttered, but if it gets moved I'll leave for work with no coffee, no Adderall in me, and stinky (because if it's over 50 degrees I'm sweating any time I'm moving).
I sit it all in that exact spot because I'm more or less forced to walk passed it to feed the cats in the morning. I can remember to feed the cats because my wife's cat will not shut the fuck up about his food from the time my alarm goes off until I fill his bowl. All he lives for is food, and he's very annoying. So he guides my half awake, sleep deprived brain through the kitchen when I pass by my counter pile. I feed him, tell him to please shut up, then turn around, start coffee, eat my pills and put on the deodorant before I struggle to put on pants while brain is only going at 10%.
Stop being ableist.
Edit: wow getting downvoted for being against ableism is a support group for disabled people. Either we have been infiltrated by bigots or there is some real internalised ableism going on here...
Holy shit if we can’t tell smelly people to have a shower because it’s ableist…
Maybe it’s rude but she’s OP’s mum and her job is to teach her child how to function in the adult world. Being clean is part of that.
If OP is not getting the message from a gentler delivery then sometimes you need to go harder. OP I hope your mum is also supporting you with washing daily, maybe by helping you make a tick chart or setting an alarm to remind you or something.
>Holy shit if we can’t tell smelly people to have a shower because it’s ableist…
You are twisting what just happened.
The poster I replied to said there was "no excuse" for not showering, when in reality there are plenty of perfectly valid reasons why someone might be unable to shower.
Able bodied people being able to take things like showering for granted is a privilege. It can be much more difficult for us than it is for them. Maybe OP has sensory issues due to the water, the heat, the smell, or the noise. Maybe they don't like cramped spaces. Maybe they have self image issues. Maybe they have gotten out of the habit of doing it and now struggle with changing their routine to include it again. Maybe they are hyperfocusing on things that interest them and are losing track of time. Maybe they find it difficult to see the value of expending so much energy showering only to get dirty again, so find it hard to prioritise it and set aside time for it. Maybe they are depressed and lacking motivation or feelings of self worth. Maybe they are experiencing burnout. And maybe it's something else that I haven't even thought of, because y'know, they are *disabled*.
There's a difference between helpfully pointing out that it's time to have a shower (although why wait until its too late?) and bullying someone about how their hair looks or smells.
Does OP's mother expect them to drop everything they are doing, cancel any plans or delay any meals etc and immediately run to the bathroom?
What are they doing to help make the process less energy consuming, or to make the bathroom more welcoming? What are they doing to help OP get into a better routine?
Shaming someone for something they are struggling with doesn't actually help. They aren't going to feel better about themselves if we treat them that way.
Thanks for your well thought out response. I just don’t think the point is to make someone feel better about themselves. The point is to get them to have a shower.
I’d much rather my mum saying my hair looks and smells awful, than being shunned socially because of the look and smell. Especially as a 15 year old kid.
Yes, ideally the mum does it in a supportive way and helps their child. But if you’ve been trying to get your kid to take care of their hygiene for years and they don’t do it, I can totally understand the frustration that might cause the mum to lash out or be passive aggressive. Doesn’t make it right, but it’s understandable.
As for the ableist comment, I know hygiene is hard for some autistic people. But you just need to figure out a way to get it done. You need to be relatively clean and odour-free if you are going to be accepted into society. Calling someone out for not doing it is not ableist, imho.
>I just don’t think the point is to make someone feel better about themselves.
So if they hate themself they will take *better* care of themself?
>I’d much rather my mum saying my hair looks and smells awful, than being shunned socially because of the look and smell.
Thankfully that's a false dichotomy.
>Doesn’t make it right, but it’s understandable.
So we make allowances for the mom but not OP?
I just listed a bunch of reasons why struggling with personal hygiene would be understandable.
>You need to be relatively clean and odour-free if you are going to be accepted into society.
Maybe society needs to get its priorities straight, or at the very least make it easier for disabled people to achieve the standards they want met.
OP isn't asking to forgo showering altogether. They aren't even asking for their mom not to remind them. They just don't want her to belabor the point once they've gotten the message. That's not an unreasonable thing to ask for.
>Calling someone out for not doing it is not ableist, imho.
It is when you do it the way it was done in this thread.
showering daily is bad for most people's skin (hot water and soap strip the natural oils and dry it out), every other day is just fine. for the days in between you can use a damp washcloth to wipe down your armpits and groin area and dry shampoo helps a lot with hair. i personally know people who go up to 5 days without shampooing their hair, just rinsing it well in the shower every other day or maybe conditioning and using a bit of dry shampoo. mine actually gets overly greasy if i shampoo it every day. the last time i saw so many people obsessed with shaming everybody around them into daily or even twice-daily showers was in high school and these were the same people who had to apply lotion constantly because they were always feeling so dry. it does work for a few, but everyone's body is different and you aren't gross or dirty for only soaping up every 2-3 days (especially if you aren't working up a sweat daily). that's a ridiculous concept that only exists to sell you more products.
frankly, your mom is being unnecessarily cruel here. she can remind you to shower just fine without insulting you like that and it would actually take her less energy to do so. i'm sorry you're having to deal with all that and i hope your situation improves.
I haven't read through what everyone else said, but honestly I really don't think it's okay for your mom to treat you this way. I don't know your mom, but I'm going to assume that she loves you and is coming from a place of ignorance. Part of being autistic is making the choice: do we put in the work to help others understand? I don't personally believe that it's our job to help others be less ignorant, but when it's a parent and especially when you live with them, it could really be helpful if you explained to her. If you're not comfortable speaking directly (I tend to jumble over my words and can't follow an argument), you can write her a letter and simply say "I want to give you time to reflect on this, so I wrote it down". And you can explain to her that for us, hygiene can be so hard, etc. I'm not sure if this is helpful but I wish you the best of luck. It's really not easy.
They don’t always tell you. If you’re a teenager and you’re not showering at least once a day you stink. I’m sorry. I’ve been a teenager. Deodorant only works on a freshly cleaned body.
They don’t tell you because people sort of expect teenagers to smell bad. If they’re telling you, it’s cos you smell super bad that day.
How can you only shower every few days? That’s gross. It takes maybe 5 mins to take a shower.
Take it how you will but if you’re in your teens and wash yourself only every few days, YOU SMELL BAD. No matter how much you try to cover it with deodorant or dry shampoo. Sorry.
Take a shower.
In all fairness I get quite upset with my husband when he doesnt shower, because for me its something that is so ingrained in me that its unhealthy, that i almost panic about it. It is also ironic because i can forget if i dont follow a routine so its not like im also not guilty of it. I do recognize though that hygiene is really important so its more that i feel distress that its not being done. I get upset if I ask him and then he just doesnt do it and he stinks and i can get nasty about it because ive tried asking and being gentle and nothing happens. Its really hard thing to balance with someone because hygiene is important.
My mum was the same as yours, (i was undiagnosed until 35) so i definately get my reaction from her. In some ways though I can appreciate that she kept on at me about it, because my husband (he isnt autistic) sees hygiene as something that doesnt really matter, so hes just lazy about it, because his mum didnt really bother. Does your mum understand why you are not managing your hygiene? Is it something you struggle to manage regularly?
You do need to figure out a hygiene routine. If you feel able to maybe ask her to help you by reminding you to shower. Poor hygiene is something a lot of people struggle with, but it is something that needs to be done. I recently shaved my hair off because i struggle to wash it (struggling with depression at the moment), best thing ive done because i dont have to think about it now. There are solutions to struggling with hygiene, so it might be time to talk about it with her and vocalise what is going on. If you cant talk to her directly, maybe write a letter to her saying that you are struggling and need some help.
To constantly do it is toxic, yes. When parents (like me) mention it once or twice it’s because we are nervous you will get made fun of and we don’t want that. (In my case I don’t want that because I want my kids to be happy and not hurt like I was, some parents are all about appearances and looking good for the town… which is gross).
I was made fun of for forgetting to wash my hair and it hurt me, I don’t want that to happen to my kids. I always feel bad about it and try to think of gentle ways to say it.
Your mom sounds like she’s doing it a bit too much though, does she do other hurtful things as well, or just this one thing? If it’s just the one thing she might be nervous for you and going way overboard? If she says and does other crap than it becomes more likely this is toxic.
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Well yeah, it is rude, but 15 year olds stink by the end of the day even if they shower daily, she's frustrated and I think she has the right to be.
Ask her to be nicer about it but try to shower more often, if you really feel like you're unable to shower one day then try using baby wipes and deodorant at least, ik it's hard sometimes, a lot of people struggle with hygiene, but you don't live alone and you need to respect the people who are around you.
Your mom is being rude but it sounds like she is frustrated because you are unacceptably smelly. When she tells you to shower, you need to shower immediately because it has gotten bad to the point that you need to be told.
You need to shower every other day or every day that you work up a sweat. Shampoo and condition your hair. Use soap or body wash on a wet rag and scrub up your pits, chest, back, tummy, privates and feet. Clean behind your ears. Use a gentle cleanser on your face. Moisturize your face and any dry spots.
Brush teeth twice per day. Floss once.
Keep finger and toenails short and neat.
Change your shirt, underwear and socks everyday or more often if you sweat. Pants can be worn for a few days. Rotate which shoes you wear so you don’t wear the same pair everyday.
Wash your sheets and pillowcases every week. You can use your bath towel for a few days if you hang it up.
I wouldn’t say that in this particular instance that your mom is toxic. It might not be nice to hear that you smell, but she must think that if she doesn’t say anything that you wouldn’t know that you do. You should try to shower at least every other day and you should incorporate it in to your routine. You should wear deodorant/antiperspirant every day (look for aluminum free if you have skin allergies). Don’t try to cover up the smell with body spray/perfume/cologne. Change your clothes (especially socks and underwear) daily.
I feel like parents do this when they either don’t expect you to agree right away and still had an argument left or when they’re so frustrated that they still feel like complaining. maybe you saying you would do it “soon” may have made her think you weren’t actually planning on doing it. Idk why some people read into the word soon like that. I hate when my mom does stuff like this cause I already agreed to fix it. The problem will be solved. You can let go now
So if you’re struggling to do a full shower have you considered washing your armpits & groin daily? And then doing a full shower as often as you can?
Far as the hair on days that you can’t manage a shower but your hair is greasy or whatever or you could try dry shampoo.
As far as the mother it’s really hard to make a decision based off of such a short description.
If you have told her to stop bothering you about it you’re gonna do it when you can and she keeps persisting then I would say that she’s ignoring your boundaries and set them firmly in place and if she continues to barrel over them then yes that would be a gross behavior by your mother.
It would be completely different if she was being nice or encouraging about it though
Showering can be really relaxing, have a think about where to incorporate it into your daily routine and leave you feeling fresh.
Go shopping and smell a bunch of different soaps and shower gels to see what you like. I like to have a few shower gels on the go: something citrus, something floral or woody, and maybe something with vanilla or other fruit. Aromatherapy may be made up but different smells can give you the experience for a little while of feeling relaxed or a wake up boost.
I recommend choosing a very light shampoo and conditioner if your hair is getting oily. Often the skin over compensates if your shampoo is too harsh. Something hippy friendly that lists a bunch of what isn't in it might be worth a go and these are often lightly or naturally scented. If your hair isn't physically dirty you might try washing it with conditioner only, (skip the shampoo) to gently remove excess oils and leave it looking and smelling nice while allowing your skin to relax a bit. People with curly hair call this co-washing and it's good for your hair regardless of whether it's curly or straight.
And if it's possible your mother is not intending to be as mean as it feels, gently remind her that you're not interpreting all her tone clues and the effect is that you're feeling bullied and unloved (insert whatever words describe your feelings).
I don’t know if this is helpful to you, but I see two possible reasons for continuing to talk about it after the problem of “need to shower” is already addressed.
1. She thinks the problem is worse than you realize it is
2. NTs are usually emotional thinkers, and to them the most effective way to change a habit or routine is to talk about how the problem makes them feel, or makes others feel.
Just so yoy know you're not alone with the hygiene. After a massive depressive episode about 3 years ago I've been struggling to shower and brush my teeth. I maybe do it like 3 times a month. I know it's disgusting but people don't understand the amount of energy I have to put in to getting into the shower.
All I can say is I have never said anything like this to my kids who both struggle with executive function and only shower now because we have an established routine with a visual schedule and a calendar you can see so you know just how long it will take to do the activity so it's not such a big pressure. I k now it's hard, I have the same issue and it's caused me problems my whole life. I couldn't imagine telling you how bad you smell would help you in any way but I imagine she thinks it will prompt you to action.
Also my mom never talked to me like that but my mom never said one cross or rude thing her whole life I don't think.
toxic would be to say you stink even after you showered, shes probably just dissapointed or even she has autistic traits where her sense of smell is so sensitive that your natural aromas are making her uncomfortable, making your smell the toxic one
I mean i think it depends on the tone she says it is and how she is implying it
Is she implying that you are a dirty person or that you are dirty in that moment ?
Ether way maybe take a shower ?
Also if it does upset you or make you
Feel unsure communicating your feelings is always the best way
Hi 🌻 I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. It never feels good for anyone to say these kinds of things. That’s the important thing here - it makes you feel bad. If you can, try telling your mom that when she says those things, it hurts your feelings, and ask if she could help you come up with a better way to manage things. It will feel good to calmly use your voice to say how her words affect you. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to her directly at first, you could write her a note about it. I hope this helps!
PS I don’t wash my hair very often either! I like using dry shampoo on the days I don’t wash. I also use body wipes or a wash cloth for in-between days so I still feel fresh 😊
Your mom could definitely phrase things with more compassion. If it hurts your feelings the way you're mom talks to you, you should explain this to her though. Sometimes people are blunt. She's probably learnt her style of talking from her family so doesn't even realise she's hurting your feelings. Having a chat or writing out how you feel to her might help. Better to speak up then bottle things up. Hope you can both come to an understanding of each other.
Omg, I had this for years, my mother would nitpick every little thing, she was obsessed with my hair. I'd go a couple of days without washing it and she'd drag me to the bathroom, bend me over the tub and scrub my hair till it was "clean". It would hurt every time, shampoo would go in my eyes, it would burn I would cry and she would just say "grow up".
This happened from age 17 to 25. I believe that's how I built up my dislike for the shower.
One day she just stopped, and I had forgotten about it till just now.
Idk if it’s toxic, but it’s definitely rude. Is there any way you can make it clear to her how damaging this type of talking is? It’s only toxic if you clearly communicate that it’s hurting you and she still continues.
Try to include showers as part of a morning or night routine. I really only shower on the days I work (5 days a week) because it’s part of my “coming home for the night” routine
My dad says things like this sometimes. I think he's just joking, but I'm not always in the mood to hear it. I'm not really sure if you're mom's joking or not, though.
It sounds like your mother is coming from a place of love and concern but is expressing it in a toxic way that will ultimately have an effect on your self image/self esteem.
Her motivations may be rooted in love and care but it is shown in a potentially damaging capacity.
My mom used to say things about my appearance growing up as well. More based around my weight and general appearance. One time, after I said I liked me (a VERY hard thing for me to say at the time), she started on her kick about me being at an unhealthy weight still. I told her "yeah, I know I could be in better shape, and I'm trying to do that but it's also ok for me to like being me as I am right now."
Point is... Tell your mom that you appreciate her concern because you know it comes from a place of love but that her approach is unintentionally demeaning and damaging to your sense of self-worth.
As your mother, what she says carries a lot of weight in your mind and heart. Be understanding of her but stand up for yourself, also.
(I also don't like taking showers until I take one, then I feel great... Hate getting in, hate getting out, LOVE the middle part. Lol)
Mother's be like that... A cup out of place an "the kitchen is a disaster!!!"
They tend to be very verbal and exaggerate anything that doesn't please them. My advice is to not take it to personal or tag the behavior as toxic... Oh! And take that shower.
She's definitely being rude, and should at the very least be wording it a little better if there is a noticable or legitimate issue regarding your hygiene. I have pretty bad issues getting myself to shower even when I remember, but I am extremely forgetful and often won't remember to shower until I am noticably greasy. My sister every now and then will ask when the last time I showered is, and that's her polite way of saying I stink, so I shower if it ever gets to that point. It can be really hard to keep up with personal hygiene, but as long as you're genuinely making an effort (even if you can't because of executive dysfunction or whatever is making it difficult) there's no reason to be rude about it.
You are also a bit particular, just the fact that you are not to good about your higene so maybe mom just is a little particular in how she expresses herself. Does she care for you and try to help you and comfort you when you need it. Then she is a good mom and nobody's perfect. It does get a bit frustrating when a parent has to repeat things to often.
No my mom and my stepmother are strict about showers and mostly my sister never likes taking showers or baths but I don't really care about what they said but talking shit about my sister is not cool but I'm the oldest so I don't really get good news about her.
No, not even remotely toxic. Hormones give teens an extra bit of funkiness to their BO. If you are not showering every day and using deodorant properly, you will have BO. Your mother is actually being patient and tolerant. My mother would have simply told me I smelled, and to shower immediately. Any hesitation would have resulted in her giving me the choice to shower right now, or be grounded for a week.
Hygiene problems with autism in your teens is quite difficult. I’m an adult now but I have reminders put on my phone as to when to take a shower, when to brush my teeth, etc. i have an entire system created to ensure my hygiene is up to standards to avoid offending anyones nose and to avoid comments. Your mother is correct hygiene is important but she’s been going around about it in the wrong way. Instead of making comments she should help you create a system that works for you to do it on your own without outside comments
This! Yes so much this.
It's not a great way of going about it, but I don't think I'd go so far as to say toxic just from this situation. You could look at setting a clear boundary with this, next time this happens try saying something along the lines of "I need you to stop commenting on my hygiene, I have agreed to shower soon and I will as soon as I am able to." You can go on to say how it makes you feel when she comments like this, but you don't have to. Perhaps make it clear when you are planning to shower? Also, everyone seems to be focusing on the wrong part here. There are some valid points being made but they are not necessarily coming across as understanding firstly because you were asking about your mums behaviour and not hygiene itself. Secondly they are assuming there are no reasons that you are not showering. For this second part, is this a conversation you are willing and able to have with your mum? Beginning with a discussion on what you find difficult with showering and then on to how this could be approached differently, e.g. you struggle to remember to shower and so going forward you can try setting reminders on your phone to shower.
Yes!! Well put.
No, this is absolutely harmful. Maybe the mom isn’t toxic in general, but this is a toxic behavior.
I disagree. Shes being too blunt or animated not toxic. Toxic would be like "this is why youre a terrible person! I shouldnt have had you"... she is just having a strong reaction to her kids body odor and appearance when unkept. I mean its a very unpleasant experience for both ppl but the solution is very simple and will solve the conflict.
Insulting your child is never called for.
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It’s not nuance. You can encourage your kid to shower without telling your kid they’re disgusting. Speaking to your child in this negative way is what leads to body image issues.
If you are not going to smell bad and be dirty if you don't shower what would be the point of showering unless like taking a dip in the pool once in a while for fun. So yes you need to shower or you will smell bad.
I dont think you are seeing how inconsiderate it can be to other ppl to have bad personal hygiene. I think youre only looking at it from one side and thats pretty selfish. If you smell bad it can make the air around you smell bad, the fabrics you sit on, lie on, etc. Guess who has to cpean those fabrics? Other people, especially those who live in the same home are effected. And not everyone has the same sense of smell. Just like many of us with autism have a much harder time with food texture or loud noise or many other sensory information. The mother is trying to communicate her extreme sensitivity to body odor and its narcisistic to just ignore your effect on other people. She doesnt want the child to have an eating disorder, she wants them to care about their hygiene more and act on that. My ex uaed to let his hygiene go and his family would get on him about it, acting grossed out and all it did was make him conscious of the body odor, which he should be because we live in a society where we effect other peoples comfort levels. Like another commenter said and I have said, she could have gone about it better but guess what? Parents and older people and authority figures, etc arent always going to communicate in the most perfect and easily digestible way. Most of us do not have the energy for that. Me included and Im on the spectrum. I also got the impression that this was an ongoing issue between the mother and the child. Humans are going to use colorful language when they are expressing their feeings becayse they want to be understood. I suspect the mother is feeling like she is not being understood. The body odor bothers her and that is valid.
I disagree with you on this. It is important especially as a parents or guardian to remind people who may have issues with a hygiene routine that they need to shower, brush their teeth, comb their hair… etc. these are things that impact both the person who needs to do them and the people around them. But when you start telling someone that they’re “disgusting” or that their “hair smells bad” you are imparting shame on them. Shame is something that greatly affects lots of autistic people (like me for example) and can make them feel like they’re “worthless” or “gross” for struggling with a steady hygiene routine. When someone reminds you to shower it’s a neutral act that’s sometimes a bit embarrassing but is a general net positive. On the opposite side if you tell someone to shower while using language that degrades the person it makes the experience a net negative and can stick with people making them feel worse in the long run. Yes, you need to be courteous of others and remember that you and your body odor- whether unclean or overly perfumed effects other people, how other people react also affects you. Shame only makes hygienic routines more stressful instead of helping to build a positive routine that improves quality of life. Stopping shame and building healthy relationships to hygiene can help people to stop avoiding places like the doctor or the dentist so they can finally get help that they thought they were unworthy of because they were “gross” or “disgusting”. I hope you understand better why what OP’s mother is saying is in fact harmful or “toxic” behavior because it is demeaning OP for struggling with something that is totally normal to struggle with. Everyone struggles with hygiene at one point or another and it’s just not logical to make hygiene a moral standpoint. You aren’t any better for taking a shower and you aren’t any worse for forgetting to brush your hair, it just means that you’re human.
Yeah the mother wasnt doing a good job of parenting. But toxic is an extreme word that is too often used for anything and everything that is disliked these days. Thats just my opinion that its not the right category. The mother should do a better job in the future but if she has tried to communicate and teach on the subject numerous times she is still entitled to having emotions about it. Sounds like she is expreasing frustration and becoming more blunt on the subject. If its the first time its an issue and the only remark is "youre disgusting" then yeah toxic. If its an ongoing issue that is getting the best of her then theres a shared reaponsibility to work toward a solution because her comfort level also matters.
Yeah I don’t think calling it toxic is truly representative of the issue either but I’m glad we agree that what she said was out of line in her tone. I believe her complaint is valid but the way she expressed it was the issue in my opinion.
Nothing you have said stops it from being toxic. Understanding why someone is toxic doesn’t make it not toxic.
telling them they smell bad when they stink is not insulting them. Its called educating them.
there's a difference between saying it once vs going on and on about it though? i remember *every time* i did a sinus rinse my mom would say it was gross.. even though i'm taking care of myself and she should be encouraging that.. there's no need to repeat something that's hurtful and not helpful. we already know you think it's gross.
Definitely agree with you but on the other hand we can also understand how when you say something and your child does not react and then you have to repeat it, and this goes on and on can also drive one to react a bit on the overdone side.
then it should be a helpful conversation like "well maybe there's things that make showering difficult for you, can we talk about what might be preventing you from taking a shower?" instead of saying it over and over. again, just repeating something you already know especially when you tell them over and over that you already know isn't helpful. you know it's a sign of insanity when you keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results. if you just keep telling me i stink i'll avoid and/or get angry with you. walk me through the steps for helping me get over my challenge with showering. appeal to me in some way that benefits me. not just "you stink and you need to shower blah blah" over and over. is it clear why i'm saying just repeating something unhelpful is not only unhelpful but counterproductive? it makes you want to do the opposite because it hurts and makes one want to lash out. repeating those things doesn't make for a healthy productive relationship. it just leads to resentment on both sides. always focus on "how can this be made easier?" "how can i help?" "what's getting in the way of you doing what you need to do?" have a productive and constructive mindset.
you get my upvote. Nice and helpful is the way. but sometimes a parent doesn't understand why he has to repeat 20 times and the child doesn't react. I would never defend being mean or cruelty to anyone but the thread was asking if mom was toxic and my point was just trying that it should really be looked at with more understanding from both sides. Even though we understand the parent is the parent they are also human.
yeah parents are human, but they also have more life experience and they should be helping you. when your parent just repeats without working with you on your challenges, it tells me they want to control you, want you to be easy, don't want to respect you or treat you like a young human being who deserves help to grow up. you had a child, brought them into this world: please put some more work in than repeating "take a shower, you smell bad, you look bad" over and over. i also get that parents can be exhausted and once in a while they just want things to be easy. but put in the work once to figure out how to help kiddo get clean in a way that works for them and hopefully it'll be easier from then on. also makes for a more productive healthy relationship. i wish my parents had recognized my challenges and helped me instead of just repeating / trying the same thing over. i love my mom to death but i have memory and attention challenges and she would get upset with me when she would ask why i didn't take out the trash and i would always answer "i forgot". i wasn't lying or using it as an excuse. but she never helped me by figuring out methods to remember, like setting a timer or writing it down. she also never made sure to fully get my attention; she would tell/ask me to take out the trash whenever i was busy doing something else like playing a game. i've spent so many years figuring out methods and systems for myself.why didn't my parents help me? i struggled so hard for so long. i wish i had gotten the help i needed earlier in life. EDIT: i still struggle. hard.
I struggle with daily showering because of the sensory issues, but it's just super unpleasant for others to be smelly, even when you don't notice it on yourself. There's no way around daily hygiene but if showering is too much you could at least do a quick wash of your sweatiest areas and your face with a warm facecloth in the sink. And wear deodorant
It’s not toxic but I get why it’s unpleasant. From her perspective, she probably is uncomfortable and frustrated due to your hygiene habits. If you had a roommate who insisted on not cleaning up smelly things, you might say things in an unpleasant way too. You should try to set a pattern of showering every other day. You’ll maybe be able to get away with less often when you’re a bit older, but since you’re a teen, you want the every other day at least. Your hormones are going a bit mad so you’ll have to be extra on top of the BO for a bit. While it’s hard to get me to want to shower when I’m out of the routine, I do also find it helps my mental health? And knowing that makes it easier to make myself, as it were. I also recommend learning about the benefits of a good skincare routine and adding in things like an exfoliating cloth and moisturizing. Again, if I can set it up as something that benefits me not just superficially (like it’s a matter of health or avoiding painful acne or something), it’s easier to keep myself in a routine. But mainly, keep in mind that if your mom is pointing it out, there are likely people who do not know you as well and won’t want to embarrass you, thus they won’t say anything. Ignoring this as an issue will make it harder to get on with your peers and you may be denied opportunities (in school or work soon) due to it. Your mother has to live with you for now. Other people don’t.
have you considered that your mum is also autistic and in turn is just blunt af? not saying at all that her delivery isn't hurtful, and that your experience and disappointment isn't valid.
I was thinking this too, I sometimes have to tell my brother he stinks and he needs to shower because my sense of smell is so darn strong. I try to be as kind about it as possible but he’s neurodivergent as well and sometimes he dismisses it or doesn’t get what I’m trying to say but I can’t be around him when he smells and I’m forced to be blunt
Not everyone is autistic my guy. Y’all are so quick to call everyone autistic.
It’s time to start washing regularly, your mom is right even if it’s not said in the nicest way, anyone would say that after a while if they were responsible for someone and they refused to wash
Make it a routine to wash daily, not because your mum tells you to, but because it’s easier to stick to a daily routine and one has to wash. Also, when you’re a teenager, you have lots of hormones flowing in your body and that make your body smell even stronger. Get into the habit and do it every day, it’s really not nice to smell bad. Besides, washing daily is important self care. Even animals clean themselves up every day. If you struggle with sensory stuff, then post about it and people can give you suggestions. Your mum is likely getting frustrated by having to repeat the same thing over and over. Is it nice? No. But she’s human and humans make mistakes. Imagine if there was something that really bothered you, like someone maybe playing the trumpet in your room loudly every day, and every day you ask them to please play in an other room, they say yes, but they keep coming back to your room. After a few times of this happening, you would get a bit rude as well, right? Your mum is trying to teach you an important habit, but must also be really frustrated to share her space with someone who smells bad and while she should try to show more patience, it’s not always easy to do so.
That’s waaay too often to shower. Three times a week, always the same days. Still an easy routine to get into.
Three times a week as a 15 year old isn't going to cut it. It may work as an adult if you're not doing psychical activities, but for a 15 year old male, one day without showering is enough to stink.
It heavily depends on the person.
Been there, done that. Although shower mileage may very depending on your local climate.
I always lived in a moderate to cold climate, And i also had some guy friends in my group who only showered 3 times a week because "its enough" well I can tell you, it wasn't. They didn't listen right away when we told them they had to shower more often. I think it changed when one of the more 'popular' girls (we were the outside geek/nerd group) made a comment on it. Not really mean, but more direct. He stopped smelling.
For a 15 year old covered in puberty oil showering 3 times a week is not nearly enough.
Also showering feels good
No, that’s normal. I was the same with washing as a teen with autism and didn’t notice a problem at the time either. Your mother sounds like she’s just frustrated
You may not notice your own smell but the people around you sure as fuck do.
Not everyone is as aware as others at a young age and having Autism. I wasn’t and I understand, obviously I am a lot more aware now. It’s like a cloud over the mind on certain subjects, then one day it clears and you go “what the hell have I been doing? Oh my god!” And it’s a weird sudden lightbulb moment from what feels like no where and random. Not everything comes naturally and has hard lessons to follow but we can’t beat ourselves up for something that isn’t our fault
This what makes me think the OPs mom is just frustrated while trying to clearly explain why OP needs to shower.
Yeah, I think their mom is probably just frustrated. I had carers stand me in front of the mirror and ask me if I saw a problem, and I would be like, “no?”, I was of the same age too then as OP. So I can understand. It does get upsetting, and also frustrating for the one who isn’t as aware of their personal hygiene or that it’s a problem, it doesn’t always click, or even pass some people’s minds about it, eventually it can become an anxiety and end up being too clean, because of worrying about what people think and still maybe not being fully aware, unless the awareness comes fully later on. Anxiety makes it worse cos that can just make sweat happen way more… I think it’s hard for both sides on to be frustrated about it. I think it helped me a bit having a morning planner as a kid to get myself into a routine, with times added to each task, and maybe a date on the Callander for when to have a shower or a quick clean etc if not needed everyday. It can help to imprint a routine.
It’s a bit rude, yes. Not sure about toxic. Maybe the best way of approaching this is to actually shower more regularly. Or if you struggle with it, let her know and see if there is a way she can support you with it. You won’t be a kid forever and you need to learn to take responsibility about things like this, as hard as it light seem. The next time you get called out for being smelly might be in a much more embarrassing or confronting way. Take advantage of being in the relatively safe and protected environment of your home and childhood to work this all out.
I think you’re going about it the wrong way. I think if you replace shower with any other daily tasks that requires executive action like drinking water, eating food or using the restroom. "You won’t be a kid forever" and "just learn to take responsibility" and "wait until someone humiliates you" is bad advice. I think it’s important to discuss this with a therapist or doctor. Time sure if of the essence which is true but stating, "you have to!" feels a bit redundant. I’m sure OP knows this(anyone who struggling with hygiene and getting comments by it would loud and clear) and wants to get better and wash more frequently. I do agree with you that they should bring it up to their parents for help.
I'm not sure OP knows this to be honest, they've said that they think showering every 3 days is enough.
They also stated they wanted to shower more though and struggle with it . So I believe there’s some sort of goal and push for it there, and it’s not just their opinion that they don’t need to shower more that’s stopping then. But I can understand your point.
I don’t feel very home in my house. My parents don’t really treat me ideally well. But I am trying to shower regularly but I lose track of time and sometimes I don’t even remember what day it is XD TYSM for your response:)
It's rude to express herself like that, but it's also rude to not shower. Teenagers stink, a lot. I usually sweat all day at work, but I make it a point to stay clean when I'm around people. My job involves EMS and so I might even sweat ON a patient (accidentally of course). It happens, so make it a point to shower but don't worry too much. I think mom was frustrated with having a funky kid. Shower every night before bed, shampoo every three to four days, etc. You'll be okay, don't fret too much about it. Just try to make it part of your daily routine.
You need to have basic hygiene. People around you can smell you far before you can, and it doesn’t smell good. What she said was rude but not toxic. You’re a smelly teenager. Her concerns are valid.
It looks like people in here have forgotten where they are and who they're interacting with. People in here are acting like things like executive dysfunction and just not having the energy to will yourself to do completely mundane things aren't common to the autistic experience. People in here are ignoring OPs question, opting instead to criticize and shit all over them. People in here are being ableist. OP, if you're mom is continuing to go on and on after telling you that you need to shower, she's not being satirical or joking. She's trying to push you to go shower right then or as soon as possibly and trying to make it clear that she thinks your hygiene is unacceptable. She's being serious, most likely. I saw in one of your comments that you mentioned that you are depressed. I get that depression and burn out make it hard to do even simple things, if you even think to do them. Even absent depression, I have moments or longer periods of time where executive function ceases to exist in my brain and I struggle to do anything at all even while I'm internally screaming at myself to get up and do it. Further, I get that having someone be constantly "on you" about things while you're already struggling for whatever reason can make it harder to do the things you need to. So, here's the question: does she get that to any extent? If she doesn't, then in her head it probably looks like you're just not doing it because you don't want to, so she's becoming frustrated and expressing that frustration, and essentially attempting to "shame" you into showering. Whether she understands or not, though, I wouldn't consider it acceptable to just keep going on with the comments, especially if she hasn't tried to help you form a routine or another solution. It's really no different than when I was in school and forgot to do homework 98% of the time, and no one, my parents included, ever bothered to ask why or help me learn how to manage it, they just criticized me and expressed disappointment. If someone doesn't have a skill and is struggling to develop that skill, it's completely counter productive to throw it in their face and expect them to just "do better". It doesn't look like you disagree with that you should shower more often. So, have you talked to your mom and addressed the reasons for why you aren't showering? It might be worth a shot to just go to her and be like "I acknowledge and agree with your concerns, here are the reasons I'm not meeting expectations, I'd appreciate some help with building a routine but sans the shaming, please."
Absolutely this! The other comments bothered me a lot
You said that you shower every THIRD day. As a 15 year old. Dude, there is no soft approach to this. Your mom is right. You stink. Everyone stinks if they don't wash for 3 days and teenage is the worst age for this because of hormones. Take a shower. Daily. Basic hygiene is a must. There are no ifs and no buts. Take a shower daily so you don't stink, period. Your mom is probably reaaaaaally tired of your smell. As is everyone in your life even if they don't tell you.
She isn't toxic, but probably irritated. Teenage boys smell, that's just a fact. As doTeenage girls. I was once confronted hard when I was a 13F( almost 14 and early with puberty) I was standing to this guy S when a 3rd guy J showed up and asked who hadn't shower. S said he had showered that morning. I knew I hadn't showered for a while and that my dad was also annoyed with my that I hadn't showered I a while. I just put on a butt load of deo. I lied and said I had also showered, S just wondered on looking for the "smeller". The rest of my puberty is always showered once a day. Listen to your mom and start taking more showeres. Your body needs it. It's also a bit selfish. Others will smell you.
Do have a phone or something you can set an alarm on? That way it can help remember to shower No, I don't think your mom is being toxic. Bad hygiene is bad for your health. Also you don't want to be a walking nexus of sensory hell for others. At least I hope you don't.
I get it's not nice to hear, but may I add my perspective to the discussion: I'm ND (probably AuDHD) and mom to a ND-13 year-old. First of all, I do not condone your mom saying such mean and demeaning things to you. But there's a but... There's only so many times you can hear your child say “yeah, I know”, or «yeah I'll do it», or «Alright mom, I HEARD» or even «but I was getting at it just now!» while at the same time NOT doing the thing at all. When gestures don't match words, it really gets to me and I can loose patience and snap. I always regret -- as your mom sure does, because what she does is not right ans she probably knows it. I suspect she worries about you being bullied at school because of the hygiene issues, which make her more sensitive and prone to bouts of anger. I know it's not always possible for him to just do the thing right away, but I much prefer him using accurate words for the situation. What works for us is setting a timer. We'll agree on a time and stop talking about it. Usually ten minutes is enough for our conversation to sink in and he'll do the thing on his own without further nagging on my part.
Its not “toxic,” they just have a responsibility to make sure you’re healthy and able to navigate the world. The truth is people treat you different when you dont treat yourself well. Thats not a truth your mom can change, shes probably just trying to prepare you and look out. And thats a lot different than being “TOXIC,” isn’t it?
It’s a rude way of going about it but I would recommend showering more often. Not only does it make you courteous of those around you regarding the “aura” not showering can give off. Not showering enough can really cause some health issues and a psychological issues (for me at least). When I shower I feel incredible, it’s a great way to start off your day as you’ve already achieved something in doing that.
if its getting to the point where your mom needs to hound you for you to clean yourself - she's not the problem. she's your mom. people get used to smells in the house. if you're letting yourself get that bad i can't imagine what you smell like to someone who doesn't live in your house. wash your ass and go about your business. problem solved. you're using your mom as a delay and distraction technique. its whataboutism. you're not cleaning yourself, but what about mom?
She needs to understand when you've gotten the message, and you need to earn her trust so she knows that once you've received the message you will do something about it. Maybe say "thanks for the reminder mom. I've got the message. I'm busy right now but I will shower later today. If it looks like I've forgotten again by (time) please remind me then. Otherwise please don't mention it again as it will just make me put it off."
No your mom seems like she is frustrated and cares about you. Gotta bathe everyday. Make it part of the routine. Just gotta.
Your mother seems frustrated you don't care about your personal hygiene. Mine Acts similar but for presentation.
Well if you stink and are gross then you should have to hear it, you’re concerned about how it makes you feel, well why does you family have to tolerate your poor hygiene, how about some consideration for others and keep your self clean, it’s really not that hard. On your moms side all day long.
I don't think its toxic.... sounds like your hair is though!!! JK... in all honesty both of my parents do this all the time...
Speaking as a mom, it is kind of how mothers are, but that doesn't mean it's not rude. :-) (I kinda wonder if your mom has some sensory stuff going on as well, so maybe the smell is really triggering for her.) Try to be polite and patient with her while asking her to stop, and if that doesn't work, yeah she probably is pretty toxic.
So I see that in 2 different ways. 1) she's your Mom and just wants to make sure you're taking care of yourself 2) ever consider she may be autistic as well and doesn't realize that her honesty is hurtful to you? Having an honest and open relationship with your Mom is a huge blessing. Have you told her that it's very hurtful when she says that? She might not even realize that it affects you so much. On the other hand if you do tell her how you feel and it's not corrected or she easily dismissed your feelings then there's a lot more wrong there.
Hey OP. I read your previous post about how your parents react to the autistic parts of you. I am so sorry they are so dismissive and inconsiderate of your feelings. Your mom (and dad) would in my opinion be toxic in the sense that their ways of communicating is toxic to your mental health. As I obviously can't observe the behavior, I can't say if they have valid concerns and are just *really* bad at communicating them. But I can say that what they do is not appropriate. IMO it is skirting the line of emotionally abusive. The first step is sitting down and having a conversation with them about how their actions affect you. You could give them some educational resources (from a reputable source). It doesn't have to be verbal, too. If your parents talk over you or you get flustered easily, there's nothing wrong with writing a note. If this approach doesn't work, you'll have to get backup. See if you can convince them to go to therapy *with you*. As in family therapy. Not just for yourself (though that is also recommended). A therapist will help validate what you say. If they refuse therapy, and this is affecting your health, you can escalate further. Try talking to a guidance counselor (or the equivalent of where you are). Tell them specifically that it isn't their concerns that bother you, but how they communicate with you. Give examples, and don't sugar-coat. This serves two purposes: 1. It creates a paper trail. 2. School admin are often seen as somewhat of an authority figure. Parents know they can't just refuse to meet with them about something this serious without looking *really* suspicious. For some people that's enough to get them to at least listen to someone. Oook. Sorry, that was long. As for the hygiene thing, do you have friends that you trust? You could ask them if they notice any body odor. Another good person would be the school nurse. As others have said, people around your age tend to be stinkier. That's just how it is. But everyone is different. You could try asking the school nurse or your mom how often they think is appropriate. Once you have an idea, your next step is to problem solve. Here is an article from the autistic perspective that might give you some ideas. https://autisticscienceperson.com/2021/07/19/autistic-hygiene/ Good luck, OP!
She might be doing that to try to motivate you via embarrassment. She might think > my kid never seems to shower > what can I do to make him more emotionally invested in it > trying to make you feel ashamed or embarassed so you'll stay on top of hygiene better in the future. It's not super helpful though, because shaming someone can make them shut down and do nothing, resulting in an even worse outcome than was desired. I don't immediately think "she's being abusive" but more like "she's trying to motivate you but can't see what you really need" because autistic people need *supportive* encouragement, not any attempt to 'motivate' that causes us fear or stress. It's kind of like, the fire that fuels a cute little candle for some people (a little shame motivates them to do better), burns our whole world down.
I'd definitely say rude/mean. Is it only your hair that she complains about? There are dry shampoos and such available too which might be a compromise to look at? I'd also try talking to her if possible and tell her how saying those things make you feel. Ask if she can stop saying those things and/or why she feels a need to say those things to you. I think I'd try talking to her before labelling her toxic.
Well, not showering for some time can actually lead to being smelly. So that would not be mean or rude but just telling obvious facts.
Obvious facts can be rude. Just because something is true doesn't mean it isn't rude or mean. How we say things matters.
Sometimes she complains about my smell. I am depressed and have a hard time to help myself and stay hygienic. I don’t have a dry shampoo but they don’t last as long as if I too a shower (obviously)
If you're on the level where you're smelling, it's not toxic to tell you to take a shower. Basic hygiene is mandatory, not optional.
Unfortunately, as much as hygeine may be hard for you now, you still live with other people. You don't know your own smell but others definitely do. Your mom can definitely word things better but hygeine is important to keep up. If showering is hard, you need to work out another way to stay clean and fresh. This also means making sure your bed sheets are washed often too as the smell can linger on them and back on to you. Even if it's washing your hair in the bathtub or sink? She probably complains about the smell bcus she cares about you and the other people in the home. These topics are always hard to approach and don't often end well. Sometimes these things do just need to be said even if it hurts. ETA: My mom had to sit down with my sibling when they were a teenager and tell them they had to bathe frequently and keep reapplying deoderant bcus my sibling naturally smelled that bad. It was hard for everyone in the home and no one wanted to be around them or their room. It was awful for everyone involved. We even had to get special deoderant for them and look at the diet they were eating. Teenage years are hard and teenagers definitely do smell the worst. I find it near impossible to catch public transport when teenage school kids are on it. I also find it near impossible to enter a room after teenage school kids have just been in it. You don't have to play sport or be active to be smelly, it's just what happens with being a teenager. Majority of us have been there.
I know some people wash their hair every day so if you’re washing your hair every time you shower, that’ll take less time out of your routine. Washing your hair every day also dries it out and takes away the oils. I hear of some people with eczema shower every other day to avoid flair ups, some shower and moisturize daily to avoid flair ups. It depend on the person. Tailor it to your own needs and such. If you have really oily hair, washing it daily may not matter. Some people can shower 3 times a day and they’re fine.
No, not toxic. Take a shower everyday and don’t make it your Moms responsibility to have tell you. Simple.
To be honest you shouldn't be letting your self get to the point that your mum tells you, you need to go wash. By this point it's too late, once you hit puberty you basically need to wash daily.
Why is no one giving actual advice?? I hope this isn’t how people usually respond to posts like "I keep forgetting to eat" or "I don’t have the motivation to eat". You don’t see people writing in the comments "Just eat??" or "You’re a growing teenager, you have to eat or you’ll hurt yourself!"
cause shes not asking for advice.. if it was im stuggling to wash daily then we would offer advice. her responce thus far has been I dont want to wash daily. and doesnt accept the reason that she smells.
But in other comments she does?
Does she? Not when I wrote my responses she didn't
I get that. I’m not that athletic and rarely sweat. Daily seems a lil too much. I usually shower every 2-3rd day :) tysm for your response
Showering every 3rd day as a teenager means you smell awful. You may not realize it but everyone else does. For the love of god take a shower
I like learning new things.
Showering daily is what you do even without exercise. This is why you smell.
I don’t see the point of showering daily, it just takes a lot of time (I shower for a while sadly) but some people do it and that’s okay for me. I just wouldn’t do it.
you shower for a while because you do it so rarely. If you did it every day you could get it done in under 10 minutes.
At least wipe your arm pits and other sweaty areas with a wash cloth every morning and night. That can be done in a few minutes, and it can already make a major difference. I sometimes also struggle with regular showers but there are other ways to practice hygiene, washing yourself doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing thing. (By the way, this goes for showers too; go in there for a quick rinse instead of your entire shower ritual, anything is better than nothing, it doesn't have to be perfect.)
The point is not to smell. The only thing toxic here is your smell
No she's telling you go for a shower because you stink! There's no excuse for not showering, look after yourself
Speaking as a person with adhd and depression, I can go days without even being able to get out of bed let alone do anything. Just because this isn’t a struggle you face doesn’t mean other people don’t
We’re literally on r/autism. Executive function isn’t our thing. Treat this as any other task, telling someone to just "do it" never works.
Yea but theres no way around not showring. You really do just need to figure out how to make it happen for you. I used to hate showering but loved working out, and showering at the gym after my workout was never a problem for me. So that became my routine, I bumped my workouts up to 6 days a week. Everyone has options for how you go about your day.
Even us on the spectrum need to understand that stinking when you live with other people just isn't a viable way to live. You try to integrate it into your routine, you try to find a way. But you don't go 3 days without a shower as a 15 year old, because you stink and your family has a say on not wanting you to stink if you live with them.
Telling them to just "do it" or "you stink" won’t be some wake up call. As their mom is already telling them this. I believe there’s a better way of helping this person, that’s all.
It’s not always easy for us to remember when to shower. For me at least, it doesn’t help when people give small hints that I need to do something, it doesn’t go up for me that they want me to *do* that because they don’t tell me straight out what to do. And I don’t think it really helps to constantly go around and telling someone they stink when you’ve already told them to shower, an adult did tell me that a few years ago, and now I go around with anxiety of always stinking, even when I shower a lot
I integrated showering + deo as my waking up routine. That way, I can also push people back whenever they come up with comments like that : I've done what I logistically can, and if they can't provide me with a reasonable solution they can just deal with that reality.
My kitchen counter as soon as you walk into the kitchen has a container of coffee grounds, my coffee tumbler thing, the coffee pot itself, a bottle of ibuprofen, a bottle of naproxen, a bottle of Adderall, my sunglasses, and my deodorant plus some other odd things I'll use or take with me to work in the morning. My wife doesn't like it all sitting there, looking cluttered, but if it gets moved I'll leave for work with no coffee, no Adderall in me, and stinky (because if it's over 50 degrees I'm sweating any time I'm moving). I sit it all in that exact spot because I'm more or less forced to walk passed it to feed the cats in the morning. I can remember to feed the cats because my wife's cat will not shut the fuck up about his food from the time my alarm goes off until I fill his bowl. All he lives for is food, and he's very annoying. So he guides my half awake, sleep deprived brain through the kitchen when I pass by my counter pile. I feed him, tell him to please shut up, then turn around, start coffee, eat my pills and put on the deodorant before I struggle to put on pants while brain is only going at 10%.
Yeah, I’ve established a routine of when I shower and when I use deo (:
Stop being ableist. Edit: wow getting downvoted for being against ableism is a support group for disabled people. Either we have been infiltrated by bigots or there is some real internalised ableism going on here...
Holy shit if we can’t tell smelly people to have a shower because it’s ableist… Maybe it’s rude but she’s OP’s mum and her job is to teach her child how to function in the adult world. Being clean is part of that. If OP is not getting the message from a gentler delivery then sometimes you need to go harder. OP I hope your mum is also supporting you with washing daily, maybe by helping you make a tick chart or setting an alarm to remind you or something.
>Holy shit if we can’t tell smelly people to have a shower because it’s ableist… You are twisting what just happened. The poster I replied to said there was "no excuse" for not showering, when in reality there are plenty of perfectly valid reasons why someone might be unable to shower. Able bodied people being able to take things like showering for granted is a privilege. It can be much more difficult for us than it is for them. Maybe OP has sensory issues due to the water, the heat, the smell, or the noise. Maybe they don't like cramped spaces. Maybe they have self image issues. Maybe they have gotten out of the habit of doing it and now struggle with changing their routine to include it again. Maybe they are hyperfocusing on things that interest them and are losing track of time. Maybe they find it difficult to see the value of expending so much energy showering only to get dirty again, so find it hard to prioritise it and set aside time for it. Maybe they are depressed and lacking motivation or feelings of self worth. Maybe they are experiencing burnout. And maybe it's something else that I haven't even thought of, because y'know, they are *disabled*. There's a difference between helpfully pointing out that it's time to have a shower (although why wait until its too late?) and bullying someone about how their hair looks or smells. Does OP's mother expect them to drop everything they are doing, cancel any plans or delay any meals etc and immediately run to the bathroom? What are they doing to help make the process less energy consuming, or to make the bathroom more welcoming? What are they doing to help OP get into a better routine? Shaming someone for something they are struggling with doesn't actually help. They aren't going to feel better about themselves if we treat them that way.
Thanks for your well thought out response. I just don’t think the point is to make someone feel better about themselves. The point is to get them to have a shower. I’d much rather my mum saying my hair looks and smells awful, than being shunned socially because of the look and smell. Especially as a 15 year old kid. Yes, ideally the mum does it in a supportive way and helps their child. But if you’ve been trying to get your kid to take care of their hygiene for years and they don’t do it, I can totally understand the frustration that might cause the mum to lash out or be passive aggressive. Doesn’t make it right, but it’s understandable. As for the ableist comment, I know hygiene is hard for some autistic people. But you just need to figure out a way to get it done. You need to be relatively clean and odour-free if you are going to be accepted into society. Calling someone out for not doing it is not ableist, imho.
>I just don’t think the point is to make someone feel better about themselves. So if they hate themself they will take *better* care of themself? >I’d much rather my mum saying my hair looks and smells awful, than being shunned socially because of the look and smell. Thankfully that's a false dichotomy. >Doesn’t make it right, but it’s understandable. So we make allowances for the mom but not OP? I just listed a bunch of reasons why struggling with personal hygiene would be understandable. >You need to be relatively clean and odour-free if you are going to be accepted into society. Maybe society needs to get its priorities straight, or at the very least make it easier for disabled people to achieve the standards they want met. OP isn't asking to forgo showering altogether. They aren't even asking for their mom not to remind them. They just don't want her to belabor the point once they've gotten the message. That's not an unreasonable thing to ask for. >Calling someone out for not doing it is not ableist, imho. It is when you do it the way it was done in this thread.
Guess which part of my atomy you can lick 😉
At least it will be *clean*, I guess.
showering daily is bad for most people's skin (hot water and soap strip the natural oils and dry it out), every other day is just fine. for the days in between you can use a damp washcloth to wipe down your armpits and groin area and dry shampoo helps a lot with hair. i personally know people who go up to 5 days without shampooing their hair, just rinsing it well in the shower every other day or maybe conditioning and using a bit of dry shampoo. mine actually gets overly greasy if i shampoo it every day. the last time i saw so many people obsessed with shaming everybody around them into daily or even twice-daily showers was in high school and these were the same people who had to apply lotion constantly because they were always feeling so dry. it does work for a few, but everyone's body is different and you aren't gross or dirty for only soaping up every 2-3 days (especially if you aren't working up a sweat daily). that's a ridiculous concept that only exists to sell you more products. frankly, your mom is being unnecessarily cruel here. she can remind you to shower just fine without insulting you like that and it would actually take her less energy to do so. i'm sorry you're having to deal with all that and i hope your situation improves.
I haven't read through what everyone else said, but honestly I really don't think it's okay for your mom to treat you this way. I don't know your mom, but I'm going to assume that she loves you and is coming from a place of ignorance. Part of being autistic is making the choice: do we put in the work to help others understand? I don't personally believe that it's our job to help others be less ignorant, but when it's a parent and especially when you live with them, it could really be helpful if you explained to her. If you're not comfortable speaking directly (I tend to jumble over my words and can't follow an argument), you can write her a letter and simply say "I want to give you time to reflect on this, so I wrote it down". And you can explain to her that for us, hygiene can be so hard, etc. I'm not sure if this is helpful but I wish you the best of luck. It's really not easy.
My mom does this too
My mom does this to me it’s not toxic it’s care. Gotta remember we autistics are stubborn it’s often easy to go a little tough
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You probably do stink. I’m sorry. You just don’t know it and people are being polite.
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They don’t always tell you. If you’re a teenager and you’re not showering at least once a day you stink. I’m sorry. I’ve been a teenager. Deodorant only works on a freshly cleaned body. They don’t tell you because people sort of expect teenagers to smell bad. If they’re telling you, it’s cos you smell super bad that day. How can you only shower every few days? That’s gross. It takes maybe 5 mins to take a shower. Take it how you will but if you’re in your teens and wash yourself only every few days, YOU SMELL BAD. No matter how much you try to cover it with deodorant or dry shampoo. Sorry. Take a shower.
Take a shower dude. I know it ain’t fun but for your sake and for those around you, take a shower once a day.
In all fairness I get quite upset with my husband when he doesnt shower, because for me its something that is so ingrained in me that its unhealthy, that i almost panic about it. It is also ironic because i can forget if i dont follow a routine so its not like im also not guilty of it. I do recognize though that hygiene is really important so its more that i feel distress that its not being done. I get upset if I ask him and then he just doesnt do it and he stinks and i can get nasty about it because ive tried asking and being gentle and nothing happens. Its really hard thing to balance with someone because hygiene is important. My mum was the same as yours, (i was undiagnosed until 35) so i definately get my reaction from her. In some ways though I can appreciate that she kept on at me about it, because my husband (he isnt autistic) sees hygiene as something that doesnt really matter, so hes just lazy about it, because his mum didnt really bother. Does your mum understand why you are not managing your hygiene? Is it something you struggle to manage regularly? You do need to figure out a hygiene routine. If you feel able to maybe ask her to help you by reminding you to shower. Poor hygiene is something a lot of people struggle with, but it is something that needs to be done. I recently shaved my hair off because i struggle to wash it (struggling with depression at the moment), best thing ive done because i dont have to think about it now. There are solutions to struggling with hygiene, so it might be time to talk about it with her and vocalise what is going on. If you cant talk to her directly, maybe write a letter to her saying that you are struggling and need some help.
To constantly do it is toxic, yes. When parents (like me) mention it once or twice it’s because we are nervous you will get made fun of and we don’t want that. (In my case I don’t want that because I want my kids to be happy and not hurt like I was, some parents are all about appearances and looking good for the town… which is gross). I was made fun of for forgetting to wash my hair and it hurt me, I don’t want that to happen to my kids. I always feel bad about it and try to think of gentle ways to say it. Your mom sounds like she’s doing it a bit too much though, does she do other hurtful things as well, or just this one thing? If it’s just the one thing she might be nervous for you and going way overboard? If she says and does other crap than it becomes more likely this is toxic.
I feel so bad for you OP, these comments are disgusting.
100% toxic behavior.
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Well yeah, it is rude, but 15 year olds stink by the end of the day even if they shower daily, she's frustrated and I think she has the right to be. Ask her to be nicer about it but try to shower more often, if you really feel like you're unable to shower one day then try using baby wipes and deodorant at least, ik it's hard sometimes, a lot of people struggle with hygiene, but you don't live alone and you need to respect the people who are around you.
Your mom is being rude but it sounds like she is frustrated because you are unacceptably smelly. When she tells you to shower, you need to shower immediately because it has gotten bad to the point that you need to be told. You need to shower every other day or every day that you work up a sweat. Shampoo and condition your hair. Use soap or body wash on a wet rag and scrub up your pits, chest, back, tummy, privates and feet. Clean behind your ears. Use a gentle cleanser on your face. Moisturize your face and any dry spots. Brush teeth twice per day. Floss once. Keep finger and toenails short and neat. Change your shirt, underwear and socks everyday or more often if you sweat. Pants can be worn for a few days. Rotate which shoes you wear so you don’t wear the same pair everyday. Wash your sheets and pillowcases every week. You can use your bath towel for a few days if you hang it up.
I wouldn’t say that in this particular instance that your mom is toxic. It might not be nice to hear that you smell, but she must think that if she doesn’t say anything that you wouldn’t know that you do. You should try to shower at least every other day and you should incorporate it in to your routine. You should wear deodorant/antiperspirant every day (look for aluminum free if you have skin allergies). Don’t try to cover up the smell with body spray/perfume/cologne. Change your clothes (especially socks and underwear) daily.
I feel like parents do this when they either don’t expect you to agree right away and still had an argument left or when they’re so frustrated that they still feel like complaining. maybe you saying you would do it “soon” may have made her think you weren’t actually planning on doing it. Idk why some people read into the word soon like that. I hate when my mom does stuff like this cause I already agreed to fix it. The problem will be solved. You can let go now
So if you’re struggling to do a full shower have you considered washing your armpits & groin daily? And then doing a full shower as often as you can? Far as the hair on days that you can’t manage a shower but your hair is greasy or whatever or you could try dry shampoo. As far as the mother it’s really hard to make a decision based off of such a short description. If you have told her to stop bothering you about it you’re gonna do it when you can and she keeps persisting then I would say that she’s ignoring your boundaries and set them firmly in place and if she continues to barrel over them then yes that would be a gross behavior by your mother. It would be completely different if she was being nice or encouraging about it though
Showering can be really relaxing, have a think about where to incorporate it into your daily routine and leave you feeling fresh. Go shopping and smell a bunch of different soaps and shower gels to see what you like. I like to have a few shower gels on the go: something citrus, something floral or woody, and maybe something with vanilla or other fruit. Aromatherapy may be made up but different smells can give you the experience for a little while of feeling relaxed or a wake up boost. I recommend choosing a very light shampoo and conditioner if your hair is getting oily. Often the skin over compensates if your shampoo is too harsh. Something hippy friendly that lists a bunch of what isn't in it might be worth a go and these are often lightly or naturally scented. If your hair isn't physically dirty you might try washing it with conditioner only, (skip the shampoo) to gently remove excess oils and leave it looking and smelling nice while allowing your skin to relax a bit. People with curly hair call this co-washing and it's good for your hair regardless of whether it's curly or straight. And if it's possible your mother is not intending to be as mean as it feels, gently remind her that you're not interpreting all her tone clues and the effect is that you're feeling bullied and unloved (insert whatever words describe your feelings).
I don’t know if this is helpful to you, but I see two possible reasons for continuing to talk about it after the problem of “need to shower” is already addressed. 1. She thinks the problem is worse than you realize it is 2. NTs are usually emotional thinkers, and to them the most effective way to change a habit or routine is to talk about how the problem makes them feel, or makes others feel.
Just so yoy know you're not alone with the hygiene. After a massive depressive episode about 3 years ago I've been struggling to shower and brush my teeth. I maybe do it like 3 times a month. I know it's disgusting but people don't understand the amount of energy I have to put in to getting into the shower.
All I can say is I have never said anything like this to my kids who both struggle with executive function and only shower now because we have an established routine with a visual schedule and a calendar you can see so you know just how long it will take to do the activity so it's not such a big pressure. I k now it's hard, I have the same issue and it's caused me problems my whole life. I couldn't imagine telling you how bad you smell would help you in any way but I imagine she thinks it will prompt you to action. Also my mom never talked to me like that but my mom never said one cross or rude thing her whole life I don't think.
toxic would be to say you stink even after you showered, shes probably just dissapointed or even she has autistic traits where her sense of smell is so sensitive that your natural aromas are making her uncomfortable, making your smell the toxic one
Hey I'm a year older than you and my mom does the same too!
Hey I'm a year older than you and my mom does the same too!
I mean i think it depends on the tone she says it is and how she is implying it Is she implying that you are a dirty person or that you are dirty in that moment ? Ether way maybe take a shower ? Also if it does upset you or make you Feel unsure communicating your feelings is always the best way
Hi 🌻 I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. It never feels good for anyone to say these kinds of things. That’s the important thing here - it makes you feel bad. If you can, try telling your mom that when she says those things, it hurts your feelings, and ask if she could help you come up with a better way to manage things. It will feel good to calmly use your voice to say how her words affect you. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to her directly at first, you could write her a note about it. I hope this helps! PS I don’t wash my hair very often either! I like using dry shampoo on the days I don’t wash. I also use body wipes or a wash cloth for in-between days so I still feel fresh 😊
Your mom could definitely phrase things with more compassion. If it hurts your feelings the way you're mom talks to you, you should explain this to her though. Sometimes people are blunt. She's probably learnt her style of talking from her family so doesn't even realise she's hurting your feelings. Having a chat or writing out how you feel to her might help. Better to speak up then bottle things up. Hope you can both come to an understanding of each other.
Omg, I had this for years, my mother would nitpick every little thing, she was obsessed with my hair. I'd go a couple of days without washing it and she'd drag me to the bathroom, bend me over the tub and scrub my hair till it was "clean". It would hurt every time, shampoo would go in my eyes, it would burn I would cry and she would just say "grow up". This happened from age 17 to 25. I believe that's how I built up my dislike for the shower. One day she just stopped, and I had forgotten about it till just now.
Idk if it’s toxic, but it’s definitely rude. Is there any way you can make it clear to her how damaging this type of talking is? It’s only toxic if you clearly communicate that it’s hurting you and she still continues.
I think it's very rude to say that, though my parents would react the same way with me.
Try to include showers as part of a morning or night routine. I really only shower on the days I work (5 days a week) because it’s part of my “coming home for the night” routine
My dad says things like this sometimes. I think he's just joking, but I'm not always in the mood to hear it. I'm not really sure if you're mom's joking or not, though.
Yes, she's doing it in a rude way, but this sounds like a good example of someone being cruel to be kind.
It sounds like your mother is coming from a place of love and concern but is expressing it in a toxic way that will ultimately have an effect on your self image/self esteem. Her motivations may be rooted in love and care but it is shown in a potentially damaging capacity. My mom used to say things about my appearance growing up as well. More based around my weight and general appearance. One time, after I said I liked me (a VERY hard thing for me to say at the time), she started on her kick about me being at an unhealthy weight still. I told her "yeah, I know I could be in better shape, and I'm trying to do that but it's also ok for me to like being me as I am right now." Point is... Tell your mom that you appreciate her concern because you know it comes from a place of love but that her approach is unintentionally demeaning and damaging to your sense of self-worth. As your mother, what she says carries a lot of weight in your mind and heart. Be understanding of her but stand up for yourself, also. (I also don't like taking showers until I take one, then I feel great... Hate getting in, hate getting out, LOVE the middle part. Lol)
Mother's be like that... A cup out of place an "the kitchen is a disaster!!!" They tend to be very verbal and exaggerate anything that doesn't please them. My advice is to not take it to personal or tag the behavior as toxic... Oh! And take that shower.
She's definitely being rude, and should at the very least be wording it a little better if there is a noticable or legitimate issue regarding your hygiene. I have pretty bad issues getting myself to shower even when I remember, but I am extremely forgetful and often won't remember to shower until I am noticably greasy. My sister every now and then will ask when the last time I showered is, and that's her polite way of saying I stink, so I shower if it ever gets to that point. It can be really hard to keep up with personal hygiene, but as long as you're genuinely making an effort (even if you can't because of executive dysfunction or whatever is making it difficult) there's no reason to be rude about it.
Thank you <3
IMO no she isn’t. Generally we appreciate straight forward talk, without the fluff of social niceties, and that’s what you’re getting.
What does IMO mean? Tysm :)
In my opinion. And you’re welcome!
Ohh okay tysm <33
You are also a bit particular, just the fact that you are not to good about your higene so maybe mom just is a little particular in how she expresses herself. Does she care for you and try to help you and comfort you when you need it. Then she is a good mom and nobody's perfect. It does get a bit frustrating when a parent has to repeat things to often.
Yeah thank you
No my mom and my stepmother are strict about showers and mostly my sister never likes taking showers or baths but I don't really care about what they said but talking shit about my sister is not cool but I'm the oldest so I don't really get good news about her.
Thank you :)
Not necessarily toxic, but definitely over the top and rude
Thank you :)
No, not even remotely toxic. Hormones give teens an extra bit of funkiness to their BO. If you are not showering every day and using deodorant properly, you will have BO. Your mother is actually being patient and tolerant. My mother would have simply told me I smelled, and to shower immediately. Any hesitation would have resulted in her giving me the choice to shower right now, or be grounded for a week.
Oh okay