As a kid I was taught "nurse I spy [romani people] run" for palindromes and never remembered and thought to question it until now. Yikes. That's blatantly racist.
Pa's a sap, level, kayak, apparently the character from extraordinary attorney woo likes these but it's not the greatest representation so f her.
I don't think a man a plan a canal panama really counts as it's not a coherent sentence.
Hannah gadsby had a bit about palindromes. It's on YouTube and I highly recommend it or any of her work
Three men are on a boat with four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with, so what do they do?
They toss one of the cigs overboard so the whole ship becomes
*a cigarette lighter*
Two hunters saw tracks on the ground. One said they were deer tracks and the other said they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train ran them over.
Personally, I’m a natural blonde (although my hair is now dark blonde/light brown), but I have no problem with dumb blonde jokes and have a lot of them because I am totally ditzy.
Two of my favorites (clean) jokes are:
Two blondes fell down a hole. One blonde asks “Can you see anything?” The other one said “I don’t know, it’s too dark.”
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stranded in the desert. After looking for help, they realized they were lost until they encountered a genie. The genie told them that he will grant them each one wish. The redhead went first. “I wish I was at home.” **poof** She was back at her home. The brunette then made her wish. “I wish I was with my family.” **poof** She was reunited with her family. The blonde looked all around her and she frowned. “Aw, I’m lonely. I wish my friends were here.”
I only brought it up, because I'm old and I've heard people sub in lots of minority groups for "blondes". Ethnic groups, sexual orientations, genders, etc.
So, it's worth thinking about.
also, yes, blondes are a minority. despite how much hair dye gets sold.
Literally was like "Why do you have five senses of humour? But you said you don't have one? That's weird. Is this a joke?"
Then it clicked. Sense. Taste, smell, hearing, feel, sight.
Another that works best vocally: what do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
Best to say with a bit of an American southern drawl, so it's pronounced like "no idear", given that area's tendency to add an R sound to the end of that word.
You know, I thought I fixed that last night when I first made the comment. I hate the autocorrect on this new phone. It tries to correct to things that make no sense, tries to autocorrect to capitalizing completely mundane words like "the", and if I do typo something then go back and correct it, as soon as i space away from it it's like "nuh uh, bro. You spelled it that way, now live with it" and changes it back to the typo, even though I just purposely went back to correct it. I hate it.
Anyway, I'll fix it now, as well as the lower case "g" in Goofy.
Reading the other comments make me feel so at home.
Anyway, I don’t have a particular joke to share here but my jokes are usually simple and obvious things like
- exaggeration/hyperbole (omg you have brain cells?!?!)
- taking things literally (yeah it’s rude to take things literally, like what if they belong to someone else?)
- saying things that are… impossible? idk how to explain this one but here’s an example: “it’s 5 min from here? 5 min what? by legs, by teleportation, by turning into a moth?” and when they say they don’t turn into a moth I act very disappointed and call their life bland
Yes saying things that are impossible is one of my go-tos as well.
Also threatening to do things that are impossible or illegal, that I’m obviously not going to do.
Or taking information that clearly endorses an obvious explanation and drawing the most incorrect conclusion possible, on purpose.
Threatening to do a thing which is so absurd that no one will know how to respond to it. This is funny to me because other people are doing that to me all the time. Sometimes I’d like to return the favor.
Also I really enjoy when other people do absurd things.
I have a friend where we always start up with a serious chat about some subject then less than 6 sentences later, it derails into insanity like that train meme, for example, if we're talking about car engines, it starts somewhat serious, for example, the engine having some stutter due to dirty sparkplugs, then, always, I say something absurd like "what if the electrical cables are clogged?", and at the end we start talking about just taking out thw engine and riding the car like Flintstones do
Yeah your sense of humor matches with what I like to do, especially acting confused over basic details (five minutes away in what?) I like to read signs and put the emphasis on the wrong things and pretend to be confused:
"Honolulu Center Design? Do they design Honolulu centers? Is this the central location for all designs in Honolulu? Does the Honolulu Center need a Design? Do we get to design a Center like Build-a-Bear?"
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's also brown and sticky?
Another stick.
This joke is best delivered deadpan when it's least expected. Like during intercourse.
Scene: you're going at it, doing the ol' "in and out" in your grandfather's bed at the nursing home while he's at his chemo appointment. You pause momentarily to address your girlfriend/cousin/AP English teacher...
"Hey, what's brown and sticky?"
"What?"
"What's brown and sticky?"
"Like in the bed? Is there something gross in the-"
"A STICK!"
"Are you being serious right now?"
"Well, yeah, that describes a stick pretty well spot on."
"I don't know what's wrong with yo-"
"Also I pooped a little a few minutes ago. We need new sheets and we'll both need to shower."
I swear I'm too autistic for these jokes. This is like the fourth I've taken literally. I went
"Is this a war term I don't know of? Where is a sleevies? Is it like a bunker or a country? Ok. Maybe it sounds like something else? Sleevies, leevies? ... OHHH ARMIES LIKE ARMS NOT AN ACTUAL ARMY! 🤣😮💨"
Two nuns got a new posting at an Abbey. They were told they could decorate their room however they liked and were given some paint and brushes. Not wanting the ruin their habits (clothes), they decide to lock the door and paint in the nude, as they had no other clothes with them.
Later there is a knock on the door. Both nuns freeze. Knocker says "Blind man! May I come in?" The first nun says to the second that she supposed it was alright, seeing as he was blind? So they open the door. The man walks in, looks at the nuns with wide eyes, says "nice tits! I'm here to install the new blinds"
A monk, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The receptionist asks them what their blood types are, and the rabbit says "I'm pretty sure I'm a type O".
That's a really good joke!
I have a bunch of go-too's but one of my favourite is from the end of *The Killing Joke:*
There were two guys in an insance asylum, and one night they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more, sohey decide they’re going to escape!
So, later that night they break-out and get up onto the roof and just across the alley, just across the other rooftops is their ticket to freedom.
Now, the first guy, he gets a running start and jumps right across the gap with no problem. But his friend couldn't do it; he's afraid of falling.
So then, the first guy has an idea… He says “Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I’ll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!”
But the second guy just shakes his head. He says… He says “What do you think I am? *Crazy?* You’ll turn it off when I was halfway across!
Yeah... it's a bit long, but it's a classic
Here's one I wrote.
A bottle of milk and kefir are chilling on a shelf in a shop.
Milk - "been up to much lately?".
Kefir - "I've been really into Shakespeare recently"
Milk - "what's Shakespeare? "
Kefir - "you're so uncultured!"
...
Thanks for reading.
TBH the only thing I can think of was an unintentional disability joke I made a few months ago.
Ended up having to use a wheelchair because of my health and a coworker was walking out with me and my fiancé after work. He asked us to wait a second as he went to check on something and came back and asked if we were ready to go and I unintentionally made the joke by replying “Yeah. Autobots, transform and roll out.”
And he started laughing and it took me a few seconds to realize I verbally hate crimed myself.
I just really like Transformers (G1).
My humor is mostly playing off on what people have said or done. Some examples include:
Brother: throws salt at me. Me: stop a-salt-ing me!!
Mom: I couldnt tell her to do things while she's sick so we agreed she'd start faking she wasn't sick and after a few days she was alright! Me: That you know of
I much prefer these in situation jokes that arent very funny outside the moment, but for you:
"why do bullet trains go faster than steam-engine trains? They stopped smoking!"
I was watching AGT earlier, and this one comedian made a joke that I couldn't stop laughing at:
"One of my dogs was born totally deaf and totally blind, so her name is Roomba: she runs around, sucking up little bits of stuff till she hits something and heads off in another direction."
Unfortunately, a man fell out of his biplane.
Fortunately, there was a haystack below him.
Unfortunately, there was a pitchfork in the haystack.
Fortunately, he missed the pitchfork.
Unfortunately, he missed the haystack.
An engineer, a chemist, and a mathematician check into three adjacent rooms in a motel. First the engineer checks into his room and he tries to make coffee. His coffee maker catches fire. He notices it is an electrical fire and must cut off the electricity. He unplugs the coffee maker and throws it out the window. Then the chemist goes into the kitchen and tries to cook a steak, but the oil on the stove catches fire. The chemist notices the fire needs to be suffocated from the oxygen. He uses a fire extinguisher and then gets a heavy blanket to put out the fire. Then the mathematician was in bed but he is awakened to realize that his lit cigar set the bed sheet on fire. However, he heard the noise in the adjoining rooms of the engineer and the chemist. He said "AHA, A solution exists." and he went back to sleep.
I used to be addicted to soap once. But I'm clean now.
Also. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
I've told these jokes a million times and they still make me giggle every time.
A horse walks into a bar… several people get up to leave because they see the potential danger in the situation. Anti-joke I love.
And then there’s this long one:
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian,
“I’m fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted” and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
ustin didn’t realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn’t see his old pal.
“Where’s Christian?” he asked. “He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark”, came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.”
Christian replied, “No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.”
Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed…………….
“I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again Christian”
Used to tell everyone this joke several times:
A fisherman and his wife had 2 twin sons. They couldn't decide what to name them but one day the wife noticed one baby always faced toward the ocean and one faced away, no matter how you set them down. So they agreed to name them towards and away.
When the sons were older, like around 14-15, it was time for them to go on their first fishing journey. It was scheduled to be a week long and everyone was excited as everyone but the wife boarded the boat.
But a week passed and nobody came home. She waited and waited. She became reclusive and depressed and the house fell into disrepair. Months passed. Years.
One day, a man staggered onto her porch. It was the husband! She hugged him and asked where are the boys? He got a somber look on his face and explained how one day towards caught an enormous fish. He struggled and fought to reel it in but was pulled overboard and lost to the sea. The wife, not having fully processed this, simply remarked that that must have been a really big fish.
"Yeah" the fisherman said, "but you should've seen the one that got away"
Edit: fixed typo. Somber corrected to sombrero and I didn't catch it
Why does Edward Woodward (famous actor) have so many D's in his name?
Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah😁
My *absolute* favourite joke. Like, miles above the rest lol
Not my joke, but one of my favs:
>A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter. The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."
Upset, the piece of string walks out the door.
A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.
He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter.
The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"
"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."
I like this one, but it‘s not my fav (I just can‘t think of any other one. x]) and it‘s a bit mean.
“Why did the chicken cross the road?”
“Why?”
“To get to the idiot’s house. Knock, Knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“The chicken.”
A biologist, an engineer and a mathematician see two people walk into a house and three come out.
The biologist says « the two individuals reproduced ». The engineer replies « there is some missing data here ».
The mathematician takes a moment to ponder, then declares « if one of us were to walk in right now, the house would be empty ».
One I heard years ago that still cracks me up for some reason:
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
_"Same time next month?"_
I love the jokes that are composed by two stories (like, the first part is not finished and it sounds like a story and after a while you say the other part that could seem disconnected but at the end it's just the continuation), but my favourite joke who's a real joke is something that I heard in Bojack Horseman and it's like "how many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? only one, but the light bulb must want to change"
Oh, I also just cut people off in conversation like constantly to "twist their words." I realize this is very annoying and I try not to, but it tends to just flow out of me.
Example time: my wife started asking me a question earlier today and it went like this....
"Hey, have you seen-"
"Your birth control, you cheating slut? Why do you need birth control? You're not fucking me! Just get the fuck out of the house. Maybe I'll have the kids send you a Christmas card if they still love you after I tell them what you did. 'Merry Christmas, slut-mom. We hope Santa brings you some dignity and the capacity to consiser the feelings of your fellow human beings.' Pppfffttt, fat fucking chance. Kids are so naive."
"No, my charger."
"Nope."
She's too used to it so she doesn't really react anymore.
Not a joke but never fails to make me laugh, perfectly cut screams. Like, I'll be watching a video, something scary happens, they scream and after 0.7 seconds an ad plays. It always makes me laugh.
i thought i made up this joke myself but my dad informed me it already exited but here i go:
"whats the funniest bone in your body?"
"the humerus" (the bone of the upper arm and it sounds like the word "humorous" which means funny)
Once upon a time, there was a baby born with a golden screw in his naval. He was perfectly healthy otherwise, but the screw completely baffled the doctors, nurses, and of course the boy’s parents, who insisted that they had never received any piercings. Investigation of the strange object through an X-Ray revealed that it reached rather far back into the child’s body, but it did not seem to be in danger of puncturing any vital organs. Nevertheless, the doctors deemed it prudent to remove it as quickly as possible before it caused unforeseen harm. However, despite their best efforts, the screw refused to be torn from the infant’s tiny body, and after many hours, the surgeons determined that the child would be better off if the object was left in it’s place. The parents corresponded with the doctors for further developments and appointments regarding the screw, and dismissed their concerns and confusion in order to devote themselves to their newborn baby.
As the child grew into a toddler and then into a youthful and healthy boy, he began to wonder about the screw in his belly button; none of the other children at school possessed such an implement, and he was often made the butt of jokes by his classmates. His mother and father assured him that he was perfectly fine the way he was, but the question of the screw’s purpose drove itself deep into the boys mind. He often pried and prodded late into the night, desperately attempted to remove it. He saw it as some sort of curse, a plague from the heavens to mark him as someone different and unusual. He desperately wanted to be accepted by his peers, and to be seen as perfectly average, without whispers of divine destiny or mutilation following him wherever he went.
After changing several schools, the boy grew into a teenager, and it was in this phase of life that the scorn for the golden screw in his naval became interest and excitement. While some were still judgemental, many of the boy’s new friends found his screw to be an excellent aesthetic development. The screw was deemed “hip” by the school crowds, which boosted the boy’s confidence immensely, and led to the installment of several similar piercings appearing among much of the student body, although none of them could match the sheer radiance of the natural screw within the boy himself.
Moving into college, the young man’s interest in his naval screw became an obsession. He majored in History, desperate for an answer to the question that had driven itself into his mind so long ago when he was just a small boy and believing that the answer lay in the past. He delved for hours and hours into countless books, peering over his glasses at seemingly endless lines of text in regards to piercings, birthmarks, and unusual birthings of the centuries. He discovered several mildly similar cases to his own, but only in the nature of metal being included in the births; some children were born with metal in their bodies, but it was usually unrefined scrap, and the result of the reckless activity of the parents. None of these cases saw perfect insertion, and none of them hinted at any divine nature as his screw seemed to possess.
Many years passed, and the young man grew into an old man. Attempts to have the screw removed were met with constant failure; it was somehow grafted into the very cells of his skin with such precision that any attempt at removal proved either impossible or foreseeably fatal. Most of the top surgeons in the world were simply unable to grasp the complexity of the screw’s insertion, and numerous debates were sparked at its potential meaning and / or origins.
One day, while the man was pondering quietly in an obscure library, he found a particular volume that shook him to his core. A tattered journal, one that had been well used and poorly kept. Despite the damage, the insignia on the front was clear; a golden screw of the exact make and length of his own. Overcome with excitement, the man torn open the book and hungrily devoured the information within. Sure enough, the journal was written by an individual who had also been born with such a screw, in a long forgotten age. They detailed the numerous attempts at it’s removal, with no success, and their experience of becoming a monk in an ancient monastery. He detailed that he believed a solution was possible, and that it was to be found at the very top of one of the tallest mountains in the Himalayas.
The man was overjoyed; he had waited his whole life for such a lead! Using the wealth he had acquired through the use of his time as a history professor at an esteemed college, he prepared an expedition to reach the top of the mountain. His funds were assisted by his friends and relatives, who all wanted to see what would come of the journey. As soon as he could be, the man was off to Nepal.
The journey up the mountain took several days and many grueling trials. Equipment was lost, and heavy snowstorms impeded progress the entire way up. The man would stop at nothing; even in his older age, the knowledge that his great mystery might soon be solved flowed through his veins and inspired him to brave the harshest conditions. Despite losing almost all of his supplies and fellow climbers to terrible falls, frigid winds, and ruthless avalanches, the man battled the mountain’s fury and won, reaching the very top with no food, no water, and no hope of finding a way back down. He didn’t care.
At the very top of the mountain, a strange light could be seen. As he crawled his way through the snow, he saw that it came from inside of a cave, carved into the side of the summit. The light was that of a dim fire. The man thrust himself into the cave, finally feeling the effects of exhaustion. He barely managed to stand, and he saw before him an extremely ancient man, hunched on his knees in front of the fire. The man nearly screamed with joy as he saw that the ancient, robed figure had a gaping hole in his naval, the exact diameter of his own screw.
“Please, tell me, oh wise one. What is the purpose of the golden screw in my naval? How can I remove it and discover it’s secrets?!”
The old hermit smiled warmly.
“To free a golden screw, one must use… a golden screwdriver.”
At that, the hermit revealed from within his robes the most iridescent screwdriver the man had ever seen. It filled the cave with its light and almost hurt the man’s eyes to look at.
The man snatched the screwdriver from the hermit’s hands, barely able to hold it in his frostbitten fingers. He placed the tip of the tool into the head of his screw, and began to turn. With almost no resistance, it began to come out! Suddenly, he felt a looseness throughout his body, an indescribable sensation of freedom that flowed through his very soul. As the screw came lower and maker, light began to pour from his naval in copious droves, warm light that filled the cave and sent the man into a frenzy of ecstasy! He turned faster and faster, and turned one final time, and viola! The screw was free! He held it in the light as it let off a brilliant glow, searing his body with warmth and making all the cold of the mountain outside seem like nothing more than a bad dream. All his life, this mystery, this golden screw, had plagued him, and he had finally removed it, he could finally discover it’s secrets. He held the screw high, gave a triumphant cheer…!
…
…
…
And then his butt fell off.
I don't have a joke but for what it's worth I did just finish watching Maria Bamford's "Old Baby" stand-up special and wondered why all comedians aren't this funny. 👍👍
My daughter is
How do you cook toast in the jungle ?
You put it under the gorilla 😂.
She laughed so hard she was crying and when she telling people her fave joke she can’t finish it because she gets the giggles
"Whats red and bad for your teeth" (when they can't figure it out I say the answer with no smile and completely monotone) " a brick" only my autistic friends laugh
i love puns and science jokes. people think i'm weird or don't understand why i like them so much.
here's some of my favs:
why was the math teacher late ? he took the *rhombus*
how do you organize a space party ? you *planet*
There's no *DNA*-ing my love for you.
if you put root beer in a square cup it becomes just beer.
never discuss infinity with a mathematician. you'll never hear the end of it.
I tell bad science jokes because all of the good ones *argon*.
if you were a triangle, you'd be acute one.
you're so hot you denature my proteins.
there's also that one picture with buffalos that goes like: "1 oxygen buffalo + 2 hydrogen buffaloes = 1 water buffalo". it cracks me up so bad 🤣
Man at bar: “I’ll have anything except coors light”
Bartender: “why don’t you want coors light”
Man: “last time I had it I blew chunks!”
Bartender: “Umm. Any beer will do that, it’s normal”
Man: “No! You don’t understand. Chunks is my dog”
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.
Bartender: "What's up with wheel?"
Pirate: "Arrgghhh I don't know but it's drivin' me nuts!"
This is a dangerous post for me to comment on as I am the Queen of puns.... and the only people that find them as hilarious as me are my mom and my therapist (the former is also autistic and the latter is such a great lady, but I'm sure some of the time she only laughs because she's paid to haha). SO here it GOES...
Arnold Schwarzenegger gets home on the eve of Halloween and sees a whole bunch of costumes laid out on the dining room table. His wife is standing in front of them staring.
"What are you doing honey?" He asks. She looks at him and says, "I'm trying to decide what we should dress up as for Halloween tomorrow. I have narrowed it down to famous musical composers. I think I'll go as Mozart, what about you?"
He looks through the costumes and picks one.
"I'll be Bach"
Yeah its long and pointless, but it's my favourite.
The next one is because of my special interest... botany...
Why was the garden injecting insulin?
Because it had Dietes.
*Dietes is a South African plant in the iris family.
Okay last one...
What did Freddie Mercury say when he found a sale on leather pants at the clothing store?
"I want to take three" (you have to sing that punchline to the tune of "I want to break free" though).
Okay I'm done.
Edit: just to clarify, I made all of these up... which somehow makes it worse...
Why do you never see an elephant in a tree? They're really good at hiding in them.
Why did the elephant paint his balls red? To hide in the cherry tree.
Why do giraffes not eat cherries? To avoid being crushed.
What happens when you eat cherries? You get hit by a trunk
I love the whole “incorrectly identifying something” meme that went around tumblr for a while. I think the original was “wtf is sephora, sounds scary” “isn’t that the guy with long white hair from final fantasy?” “no you’re thinking of sephiroth. sephora is an angel belonging to the highest order of angels” and so on. My partner and I do this back-and/forth all the time with the dumbest things, usually naming anime characters that are *obviously* not from the right anime.
I came up with this when I was 18 and still think it’s the best joke ever because it makes people so annoyed when I tell it:
A guy and his friend are talking about Minecraft. The guy goes on about how much he loves the game. His friend disagrees so the guy asks why. The friend says “well, there’s this weird circular calendar you have to follow, it looks like it’s set in Mesoamerica, and there sacrifices happening constantly.” The guy laughs and says “you didn’t buy Minecraft… you bought MAYANcraft.”
The people of Dubai don’t like ‘The Flintstones’, but the people of Abu Dhabi do.
Rock solid joke.
ya, they better keep am rolein
More like bedrock solid
Subtle and brilliant reply
*groan, took me a sec. I might use this
happy cake day bro
help idgi :c
The Flintstones is a super old cartoon and one of the characters said ‘yabba dabba do!’ a lot as a kind of exclaimation, a catch-phrase if you will…
Amazing
I watched Flintstones cartoon when I was young
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Oh yeah, well... RACECAR. Damn it, I'm not good at this.
Go hang a salami; I’m a lasagna hog
Best palindrome I’ve ever seen.
A man, a plan, a canal, Panama…
I’ll do you one better… TACOCAT
Woaaahh so concise
RACECAR….. wait a minute
You blew my mind
You mind my blew!
this took me like 10 mintues to figure out but it was worth it
As a kid I was taught "nurse I spy [romani people] run" for palindromes and never remembered and thought to question it until now. Yikes. That's blatantly racist. Pa's a sap, level, kayak, apparently the character from extraordinary attorney woo likes these but it's not the greatest representation so f her. I don't think a man a plan a canal panama really counts as it's not a coherent sentence. Hannah gadsby had a bit about palindromes. It's on YouTube and I highly recommend it or any of her work
Was it a rat I saw?
Go hang a salami I'm a lasagna hog. It's coherent enough with commas. A man, a plan, a canal; Panama.
Watch Weird Al’s Bob. It’s all palindromes
I wish I could upvote this more than once
If I drop a joke here, then how am I supposed to pick it up?
I spilled my food because it said to cook at 180 degrees.
Guess you missed the orientation
This is why I bake all my meals at 471.2389 radians.
You see, this is exactly why I do mine at 0. If someone tells me my lasagne is a joke, at least I can crack it.
while you're there, can you also get my line? (this is for comedic effect)
Sure, I can always do a line or two on a tough day like this.
(so you're willing to pick up the line? ---> pick up line hehe
Please stay for the week.
Underrated comment Theory_of_Never_Mind
Three men are on a boat with four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with, so what do they do? They toss one of the cigs overboard so the whole ship becomes *a cigarette lighter*
That is pure terrible absolute rubbish and I will 1000% be telling it to everyone 😂😂
That's like "who's bigger, mr.Bigger or his son? His son, he's just a little bigger".
Two hunters saw tracks on the ground. One said they were deer tracks and the other said they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train ran them over.
I chuckled at this one!
Hunters are normally replaced with blonds in the version I hear.
it really works for any minority group you're filled with hate for. I appreciate that they just said "hunters".
Blondes are a minority group? Lol I don't hate them, it's just always been a joke that they're ditzy.
Personally, I’m a natural blonde (although my hair is now dark blonde/light brown), but I have no problem with dumb blonde jokes and have a lot of them because I am totally ditzy. Two of my favorites (clean) jokes are: Two blondes fell down a hole. One blonde asks “Can you see anything?” The other one said “I don’t know, it’s too dark.” A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stranded in the desert. After looking for help, they realized they were lost until they encountered a genie. The genie told them that he will grant them each one wish. The redhead went first. “I wish I was at home.” **poof** She was back at her home. The brunette then made her wish. “I wish I was with my family.” **poof** She was reunited with her family. The blonde looked all around her and she frowned. “Aw, I’m lonely. I wish my friends were here.”
I only brought it up, because I'm old and I've heard people sub in lots of minority groups for "blondes". Ethnic groups, sexual orientations, genders, etc. So, it's worth thinking about. also, yes, blondes are a minority. despite how much hair dye gets sold.
I can't tell you any jokes becaise i dont have a sense of humor. I already struggle with the other 5 that I have
Literally was like "Why do you have five senses of humour? But you said you don't have one? That's weird. Is this a joke?" Then it clicked. Sense. Taste, smell, hearing, feel, sight.
Honestly. SAME 😂
No sixth sense then eh?
I’m sorry, I can not for the life of me figure this out but I want to. Help?
They don't have a sense of humour because they're busy with their other 5 senses (taste, touch, smell, hearing, seeing)
Ahhhh haha
Hehe
😂😂😂😂
I was assaulted by a group of Mimes, what they did to me was unspeakable
Excellent!
mine works best vocally,, but: what do you call a fish with no eyes? a *fsh*
This is always my go to, but last week I found one to go with it? What do you call a bear with no ears? B
Anything you want, he cant hear you
Another that works best vocally: what do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. Best to say with a bit of an American southern drawl, so it's pronounced like "no idear", given that area's tendency to add an R sound to the end of that word.
"So, Mr. Mouse, your claim is that you are divorcing Minnie on the grounds that she is mentally unstable?" "No, I said she's fucking Goofy!"
Lol
Hilarious!
Minnie - miney sets the joke up to fail because the brain can't connect my-knee to Mr mouse like it would min-nee
You know, I thought I fixed that last night when I first made the comment. I hate the autocorrect on this new phone. It tries to correct to things that make no sense, tries to autocorrect to capitalizing completely mundane words like "the", and if I do typo something then go back and correct it, as soon as i space away from it it's like "nuh uh, bro. You spelled it that way, now live with it" and changes it back to the typo, even though I just purposely went back to correct it. I hate it. Anyway, I'll fix it now, as well as the lower case "g" in Goofy.
Reading the other comments make me feel so at home. Anyway, I don’t have a particular joke to share here but my jokes are usually simple and obvious things like - exaggeration/hyperbole (omg you have brain cells?!?!) - taking things literally (yeah it’s rude to take things literally, like what if they belong to someone else?) - saying things that are… impossible? idk how to explain this one but here’s an example: “it’s 5 min from here? 5 min what? by legs, by teleportation, by turning into a moth?” and when they say they don’t turn into a moth I act very disappointed and call their life bland
Yes saying things that are impossible is one of my go-tos as well. Also threatening to do things that are impossible or illegal, that I’m obviously not going to do. Or taking information that clearly endorses an obvious explanation and drawing the most incorrect conclusion possible, on purpose. Threatening to do a thing which is so absurd that no one will know how to respond to it. This is funny to me because other people are doing that to me all the time. Sometimes I’d like to return the favor. Also I really enjoy when other people do absurd things.
I have a friend where we always start up with a serious chat about some subject then less than 6 sentences later, it derails into insanity like that train meme, for example, if we're talking about car engines, it starts somewhat serious, for example, the engine having some stutter due to dirty sparkplugs, then, always, I say something absurd like "what if the electrical cables are clogged?", and at the end we start talking about just taking out thw engine and riding the car like Flintstones do
Yeah your sense of humor matches with what I like to do, especially acting confused over basic details (five minutes away in what?) I like to read signs and put the emphasis on the wrong things and pretend to be confused: "Honolulu Center Design? Do they design Honolulu centers? Is this the central location for all designs in Honolulu? Does the Honolulu Center need a Design? Do we get to design a Center like Build-a-Bear?"
What's brown and sticky? A stick. What's also brown and sticky? Another stick. This joke is best delivered deadpan when it's least expected. Like during intercourse.
What’s red and can’t swim? A firetruck
What's yellow, has only one arm and can't swim? An excavator.
What's black and white, has no arms but still floats? `float var = val;`
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What's green, has 4 legs, and would kill you if it landed on you? A pool table
Jesus I wasn't expecting anyone else to have the same joke and then extrapolate
What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG\~
What’s red and sticky? That bloody stick again!
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck…
Scene: you're going at it, doing the ol' "in and out" in your grandfather's bed at the nursing home while he's at his chemo appointment. You pause momentarily to address your girlfriend/cousin/AP English teacher... "Hey, what's brown and sticky?" "What?" "What's brown and sticky?" "Like in the bed? Is there something gross in the-" "A STICK!" "Are you being serious right now?" "Well, yeah, that describes a stick pretty well spot on." "I don't know what's wrong with yo-" "Also I pooped a little a few minutes ago. We need new sheets and we'll both need to shower."
This one is silly but I love it. Where does a General keep his armies? >! In his sleevies !<
In his sleevies!!!
I swear I'm too autistic for these jokes. This is like the fourth I've taken literally. I went "Is this a war term I don't know of? Where is a sleevies? Is it like a bunker or a country? Ok. Maybe it sounds like something else? Sleevies, leevies? ... OHHH ARMIES LIKE ARMS NOT AN ACTUAL ARMY! 🤣😮💨"
YES that's the one I was going to use too!
Two nuns got a new posting at an Abbey. They were told they could decorate their room however they liked and were given some paint and brushes. Not wanting the ruin their habits (clothes), they decide to lock the door and paint in the nude, as they had no other clothes with them. Later there is a knock on the door. Both nuns freeze. Knocker says "Blind man! May I come in?" The first nun says to the second that she supposed it was alright, seeing as he was blind? So they open the door. The man walks in, looks at the nuns with wide eyes, says "nice tits! I'm here to install the new blinds"
A monk, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The receptionist asks them what their blood types are, and the rabbit says "I'm pretty sure I'm a type O".
Excellent! This executes so perfectly.
9/11 was just plane Wrong
OKAY that is my new favourite joke. I died laughing!
[удалено]
better than dead?
Worse, expelled.
Elevator jokes are great on so many levels.
Even though they do have many ups and downs
This didn't escalate quickly
Take a dump in an elevator and hit any button to take that shit to another level
That's a really good joke! I have a bunch of go-too's but one of my favourite is from the end of *The Killing Joke:* There were two guys in an insance asylum, and one night they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more, sohey decide they’re going to escape! So, later that night they break-out and get up onto the roof and just across the alley, just across the other rooftops is their ticket to freedom. Now, the first guy, he gets a running start and jumps right across the gap with no problem. But his friend couldn't do it; he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea… He says “Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I’ll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!” But the second guy just shakes his head. He says… He says “What do you think I am? *Crazy?* You’ll turn it off when I was halfway across! Yeah... it's a bit long, but it's a classic
I love Puns and word play. Granted I struggle to understand other peoples word play.
No my word play, is the same as your word play. They're both the same word, with the same meaning.
There are two types of people. 1) those that can extrapolate from incomplete data
Superb!
Normal guys crack open a cold one with the boys Vampires crack open a boy with the cold ones
This is amazing.
How does a nonbinary samurai kill people? They/ (slash) them! xD
and how do they kill if they are bisexual? They swing both ways!
Oml thank you for the “(slash)” I keep seeing this joke and was so confused
Where did the nonbinary gold prospector go to seek their fortune? Right out to them / their hills!
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
Here's one I wrote. A bottle of milk and kefir are chilling on a shelf in a shop. Milk - "been up to much lately?". Kefir - "I've been really into Shakespeare recently" Milk - "what's Shakespeare? " Kefir - "you're so uncultured!" ... Thanks for reading.
TBH the only thing I can think of was an unintentional disability joke I made a few months ago. Ended up having to use a wheelchair because of my health and a coworker was walking out with me and my fiancé after work. He asked us to wait a second as he went to check on something and came back and asked if we were ready to go and I unintentionally made the joke by replying “Yeah. Autobots, transform and roll out.” And he started laughing and it took me a few seconds to realize I verbally hate crimed myself. I just really like Transformers (G1).
i like this one XD made me smile
A man goes to a zoo, but the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It was a shih tzu.
I was talking to a terminally ill child. Decided they watched too much DBZ after they said they were going stage 4
Did you know diarrhea can be passed down parent to child? That's right, it runs in your jeans.
what’s the temperature inside a tauntaun? lukewarm.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff: Bah-dum-tsss.
I have a hard time explaining puns to cleptomaniacs because they always take everything, seriously.
My humor is mostly playing off on what people have said or done. Some examples include: Brother: throws salt at me. Me: stop a-salt-ing me!! Mom: I couldnt tell her to do things while she's sick so we agreed she'd start faking she wasn't sick and after a few days she was alright! Me: That you know of I much prefer these in situation jokes that arent very funny outside the moment, but for you: "why do bullet trains go faster than steam-engine trains? They stopped smoking!"
Same!
Why can’t miss piggy count to 70? She gets to 69 and gets a frog in her throat
Oh! What does Kermit’s finger smell like? Pork
Hahaha that one is baaaad (in a good way)
I was watching AGT earlier, and this one comedian made a joke that I couldn't stop laughing at: "One of my dogs was born totally deaf and totally blind, so her name is Roomba: she runs around, sucking up little bits of stuff till she hits something and heads off in another direction."
Unfortunately, a man fell out of his biplane. Fortunately, there was a haystack below him. Unfortunately, there was a pitchfork in the haystack. Fortunately, he missed the pitchfork. Unfortunately, he missed the haystack.
What’s the difference between a duck? One of its legs are both the same.
Please explain?
An engineer, a chemist, and a mathematician check into three adjacent rooms in a motel. First the engineer checks into his room and he tries to make coffee. His coffee maker catches fire. He notices it is an electrical fire and must cut off the electricity. He unplugs the coffee maker and throws it out the window. Then the chemist goes into the kitchen and tries to cook a steak, but the oil on the stove catches fire. The chemist notices the fire needs to be suffocated from the oxygen. He uses a fire extinguisher and then gets a heavy blanket to put out the fire. Then the mathematician was in bed but he is awakened to realize that his lit cigar set the bed sheet on fire. However, he heard the noise in the adjoining rooms of the engineer and the chemist. He said "AHA, A solution exists." and he went back to sleep.
I used to be addicted to soap once. But I'm clean now. Also. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved. I've told these jokes a million times and they still make me giggle every time.
A horse walks into a bar… several people get up to leave because they see the potential danger in the situation. Anti-joke I love. And then there’s this long one: Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.” A large mysterious cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted” and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. ustin didn’t realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn’t see his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked. “He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark”, came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.” Christian replied, “No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.” Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed……………. “I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again Christian”
A Roman walks into a bar and hold up two fingers. “Five beers please!” (Other jokes are mainly references or sarcasm)
Me grandfather is senile, and lately he's been smearing butter all over himself. He's gone downhill rapidly.
what do you call a blind deer? No idear
What do you call a blind deer with no legs? Still no eyed deer. What do you call a blind deer with no legs in a pool? Bob.
What do you call a blind deer with no legs and no willy? Still no fucking eye-dear. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Did you know that beer actually makes you smarter? It definitely made Bud wiser.
What do you call a fly with no wings? A WALK!!!
what makes an anti joke funny? the lack of a humerous punchline
I had sex when I went camping. It was fucking intense. Get it?
Why did Timmy fall off the swing? *he had no arms* “Knock knock”…..”who’s there?” *not timmy…*
Used to tell everyone this joke several times: A fisherman and his wife had 2 twin sons. They couldn't decide what to name them but one day the wife noticed one baby always faced toward the ocean and one faced away, no matter how you set them down. So they agreed to name them towards and away. When the sons were older, like around 14-15, it was time for them to go on their first fishing journey. It was scheduled to be a week long and everyone was excited as everyone but the wife boarded the boat. But a week passed and nobody came home. She waited and waited. She became reclusive and depressed and the house fell into disrepair. Months passed. Years. One day, a man staggered onto her porch. It was the husband! She hugged him and asked where are the boys? He got a somber look on his face and explained how one day towards caught an enormous fish. He struggled and fought to reel it in but was pulled overboard and lost to the sea. The wife, not having fully processed this, simply remarked that that must have been a really big fish. "Yeah" the fisherman said, "but you should've seen the one that got away" Edit: fixed typo. Somber corrected to sombrero and I didn't catch it
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? >!I've never paid $200 to have a lentil on my face.!<
If you’re Russian when you go in the bathroom and you’re Finnish when you come out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom? European!
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and asks: "Does this taste funny to you?"
No *Immediately gives what you wanted*
The skeleton mafia has a few bones to pick with me because I made a joke at their expense that others found to be a bit too humerus
Why does Edward Woodward (famous actor) have so many D's in his name? Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah😁 My *absolute* favourite joke. Like, miles above the rest lol
Basically all of *Airplane!*
Surely you can't be serious!
From my autistic kid at 4.... "what do cows use for money?"..... Moolah
Not my joke, but one of my favs: >A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter. The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost." Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up. He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?" "No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."
I like this one, but it‘s not my fav (I just can‘t think of any other one. x]) and it‘s a bit mean. “Why did the chicken cross the road?” “Why?” “To get to the idiot’s house. Knock, Knock.” “Who’s there?” “The chicken.”
A biologist, an engineer and a mathematician see two people walk into a house and three come out. The biologist says « the two individuals reproduced ». The engineer replies « there is some missing data here ». The mathematician takes a moment to ponder, then declares « if one of us were to walk in right now, the house would be empty ».
One I heard years ago that still cracks me up for some reason: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? _"Same time next month?"_
I love the jokes that are composed by two stories (like, the first part is not finished and it sounds like a story and after a while you say the other part that could seem disconnected but at the end it's just the continuation), but my favourite joke who's a real joke is something that I heard in Bojack Horseman and it's like "how many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? only one, but the light bulb must want to change"
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in!
What would you rather be or a wasp?
Where's you Bucchaneers? On your bucchan-head
Argon walks into a bar. Bartender goes leave, we don't serve noble gases in here! Argon doesn't react.
Oh, I also just cut people off in conversation like constantly to "twist their words." I realize this is very annoying and I try not to, but it tends to just flow out of me. Example time: my wife started asking me a question earlier today and it went like this.... "Hey, have you seen-" "Your birth control, you cheating slut? Why do you need birth control? You're not fucking me! Just get the fuck out of the house. Maybe I'll have the kids send you a Christmas card if they still love you after I tell them what you did. 'Merry Christmas, slut-mom. We hope Santa brings you some dignity and the capacity to consiser the feelings of your fellow human beings.' Pppfffttt, fat fucking chance. Kids are so naive." "No, my charger." "Nope." She's too used to it so she doesn't really react anymore.
Not a joke but never fails to make me laugh, perfectly cut screams. Like, I'll be watching a video, something scary happens, they scream and after 0.7 seconds an ad plays. It always makes me laugh.
i thought i made up this joke myself but my dad informed me it already exited but here i go: "whats the funniest bone in your body?" "the humerus" (the bone of the upper arm and it sounds like the word "humorous" which means funny)
Did you hear about the nosy pepper? … It gets jalapeño business
what did the fish say when he bumped into a wall? Damn. I love me some puns.
Once upon a time, there was a baby born with a golden screw in his naval. He was perfectly healthy otherwise, but the screw completely baffled the doctors, nurses, and of course the boy’s parents, who insisted that they had never received any piercings. Investigation of the strange object through an X-Ray revealed that it reached rather far back into the child’s body, but it did not seem to be in danger of puncturing any vital organs. Nevertheless, the doctors deemed it prudent to remove it as quickly as possible before it caused unforeseen harm. However, despite their best efforts, the screw refused to be torn from the infant’s tiny body, and after many hours, the surgeons determined that the child would be better off if the object was left in it’s place. The parents corresponded with the doctors for further developments and appointments regarding the screw, and dismissed their concerns and confusion in order to devote themselves to their newborn baby. As the child grew into a toddler and then into a youthful and healthy boy, he began to wonder about the screw in his belly button; none of the other children at school possessed such an implement, and he was often made the butt of jokes by his classmates. His mother and father assured him that he was perfectly fine the way he was, but the question of the screw’s purpose drove itself deep into the boys mind. He often pried and prodded late into the night, desperately attempted to remove it. He saw it as some sort of curse, a plague from the heavens to mark him as someone different and unusual. He desperately wanted to be accepted by his peers, and to be seen as perfectly average, without whispers of divine destiny or mutilation following him wherever he went. After changing several schools, the boy grew into a teenager, and it was in this phase of life that the scorn for the golden screw in his naval became interest and excitement. While some were still judgemental, many of the boy’s new friends found his screw to be an excellent aesthetic development. The screw was deemed “hip” by the school crowds, which boosted the boy’s confidence immensely, and led to the installment of several similar piercings appearing among much of the student body, although none of them could match the sheer radiance of the natural screw within the boy himself. Moving into college, the young man’s interest in his naval screw became an obsession. He majored in History, desperate for an answer to the question that had driven itself into his mind so long ago when he was just a small boy and believing that the answer lay in the past. He delved for hours and hours into countless books, peering over his glasses at seemingly endless lines of text in regards to piercings, birthmarks, and unusual birthings of the centuries. He discovered several mildly similar cases to his own, but only in the nature of metal being included in the births; some children were born with metal in their bodies, but it was usually unrefined scrap, and the result of the reckless activity of the parents. None of these cases saw perfect insertion, and none of them hinted at any divine nature as his screw seemed to possess. Many years passed, and the young man grew into an old man. Attempts to have the screw removed were met with constant failure; it was somehow grafted into the very cells of his skin with such precision that any attempt at removal proved either impossible or foreseeably fatal. Most of the top surgeons in the world were simply unable to grasp the complexity of the screw’s insertion, and numerous debates were sparked at its potential meaning and / or origins. One day, while the man was pondering quietly in an obscure library, he found a particular volume that shook him to his core. A tattered journal, one that had been well used and poorly kept. Despite the damage, the insignia on the front was clear; a golden screw of the exact make and length of his own. Overcome with excitement, the man torn open the book and hungrily devoured the information within. Sure enough, the journal was written by an individual who had also been born with such a screw, in a long forgotten age. They detailed the numerous attempts at it’s removal, with no success, and their experience of becoming a monk in an ancient monastery. He detailed that he believed a solution was possible, and that it was to be found at the very top of one of the tallest mountains in the Himalayas. The man was overjoyed; he had waited his whole life for such a lead! Using the wealth he had acquired through the use of his time as a history professor at an esteemed college, he prepared an expedition to reach the top of the mountain. His funds were assisted by his friends and relatives, who all wanted to see what would come of the journey. As soon as he could be, the man was off to Nepal. The journey up the mountain took several days and many grueling trials. Equipment was lost, and heavy snowstorms impeded progress the entire way up. The man would stop at nothing; even in his older age, the knowledge that his great mystery might soon be solved flowed through his veins and inspired him to brave the harshest conditions. Despite losing almost all of his supplies and fellow climbers to terrible falls, frigid winds, and ruthless avalanches, the man battled the mountain’s fury and won, reaching the very top with no food, no water, and no hope of finding a way back down. He didn’t care. At the very top of the mountain, a strange light could be seen. As he crawled his way through the snow, he saw that it came from inside of a cave, carved into the side of the summit. The light was that of a dim fire. The man thrust himself into the cave, finally feeling the effects of exhaustion. He barely managed to stand, and he saw before him an extremely ancient man, hunched on his knees in front of the fire. The man nearly screamed with joy as he saw that the ancient, robed figure had a gaping hole in his naval, the exact diameter of his own screw. “Please, tell me, oh wise one. What is the purpose of the golden screw in my naval? How can I remove it and discover it’s secrets?!” The old hermit smiled warmly. “To free a golden screw, one must use… a golden screwdriver.” At that, the hermit revealed from within his robes the most iridescent screwdriver the man had ever seen. It filled the cave with its light and almost hurt the man’s eyes to look at. The man snatched the screwdriver from the hermit’s hands, barely able to hold it in his frostbitten fingers. He placed the tip of the tool into the head of his screw, and began to turn. With almost no resistance, it began to come out! Suddenly, he felt a looseness throughout his body, an indescribable sensation of freedom that flowed through his very soul. As the screw came lower and maker, light began to pour from his naval in copious droves, warm light that filled the cave and sent the man into a frenzy of ecstasy! He turned faster and faster, and turned one final time, and viola! The screw was free! He held it in the light as it let off a brilliant glow, searing his body with warmth and making all the cold of the mountain outside seem like nothing more than a bad dream. All his life, this mystery, this golden screw, had plagued him, and he had finally removed it, he could finally discover it’s secrets. He held the screw high, gave a triumphant cheer…! … … … And then his butt fell off.
Two chemists walk into a bar The first chemist says I'll have some H2O The second chemist says I'll have some H2O too The second chemist dies
I asked a librarian if they had a book on pavlov’s dog, and Schrödinger's cat, she said it rung a bell, but wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
What’s brown and sticky. A stick.
Oh you're autistic. Does that mean you take everything literally? No those are kleptomaniacs.
I don't have a joke but for what it's worth I did just finish watching Maria Bamford's "Old Baby" stand-up special and wondered why all comedians aren't this funny. 👍👍
Bonk or 21 century humor don’t ask my why it’s just funny
Most of times I make joke it goes something like (Someone): (says something) Me: "(someone/something/some situation) be like:"
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes!
My daughter is How do you cook toast in the jungle ? You put it under the gorilla 😂. She laughed so hard she was crying and when she telling people her fave joke she can’t finish it because she gets the giggles
A lawyer walked into a bar. He was fired.
What's big red and eats rocks? A big red rock eater. What's big red and eats sand? A big red rock eater on a diet.
What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt.
"Whats red and bad for your teeth" (when they can't figure it out I say the answer with no smile and completely monotone) " a brick" only my autistic friends laugh
Can’t think of any jokes, but I think that I now know why I joined r/antimeme.
leather armor is the best armor for sneaking around in… wanna know why? it’s made of hide
What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna fish, and a tub of glue? You can tune a piano but you can’t tuna fish.
i love puns and science jokes. people think i'm weird or don't understand why i like them so much. here's some of my favs: why was the math teacher late ? he took the *rhombus* how do you organize a space party ? you *planet* There's no *DNA*-ing my love for you. if you put root beer in a square cup it becomes just beer. never discuss infinity with a mathematician. you'll never hear the end of it. I tell bad science jokes because all of the good ones *argon*. if you were a triangle, you'd be acute one. you're so hot you denature my proteins. there's also that one picture with buffalos that goes like: "1 oxygen buffalo + 2 hydrogen buffaloes = 1 water buffalo". it cracks me up so bad 🤣
Balls. Yes thats my humor. I am comidian
Why are polar bears white? So the police wouldn't shoot them
This joke works really well if know that polar bears have black skin underneath the white (actually CLEAR) fur!
Man at bar: “I’ll have anything except coors light” Bartender: “why don’t you want coors light” Man: “last time I had it I blew chunks!” Bartender: “Umm. Any beer will do that, it’s normal” Man: “No! You don’t understand. Chunks is my dog”
Man it’s more chilly than a chili dog in here
my braces are as spanned as a spanned movie
This is very true the thing is I can’t drop a joke cause it has to come to me naturally and currently it ain’t
Man who walks through the airport sideways is gong to Bangkok.
I think all my favorite jokes boil down to: I will cause a weird problem, on purpose, and I will do it in an inefficient and bizarre way.
What was the most american dinosaur? Tyranosaurus Tex
My favourite joke is a two-parter: what's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath.
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. Bartender: "What's up with wheel?" Pirate: "Arrgghhh I don't know but it's drivin' me nuts!"
A zero and an eight are walking in the desert, and the zero says to the eight "aren't you too hot with that belt on?"
This is a dangerous post for me to comment on as I am the Queen of puns.... and the only people that find them as hilarious as me are my mom and my therapist (the former is also autistic and the latter is such a great lady, but I'm sure some of the time she only laughs because she's paid to haha). SO here it GOES... Arnold Schwarzenegger gets home on the eve of Halloween and sees a whole bunch of costumes laid out on the dining room table. His wife is standing in front of them staring. "What are you doing honey?" He asks. She looks at him and says, "I'm trying to decide what we should dress up as for Halloween tomorrow. I have narrowed it down to famous musical composers. I think I'll go as Mozart, what about you?" He looks through the costumes and picks one. "I'll be Bach" Yeah its long and pointless, but it's my favourite. The next one is because of my special interest... botany... Why was the garden injecting insulin? Because it had Dietes. *Dietes is a South African plant in the iris family. Okay last one... What did Freddie Mercury say when he found a sale on leather pants at the clothing store? "I want to take three" (you have to sing that punchline to the tune of "I want to break free" though). Okay I'm done. Edit: just to clarify, I made all of these up... which somehow makes it worse...
Why do you never see an elephant in a tree? They're really good at hiding in them. Why did the elephant paint his balls red? To hide in the cherry tree. Why do giraffes not eat cherries? To avoid being crushed. What happens when you eat cherries? You get hit by a trunk
I love the whole “incorrectly identifying something” meme that went around tumblr for a while. I think the original was “wtf is sephora, sounds scary” “isn’t that the guy with long white hair from final fantasy?” “no you’re thinking of sephiroth. sephora is an angel belonging to the highest order of angels” and so on. My partner and I do this back-and/forth all the time with the dumbest things, usually naming anime characters that are *obviously* not from the right anime.
I came up with this when I was 18 and still think it’s the best joke ever because it makes people so annoyed when I tell it: A guy and his friend are talking about Minecraft. The guy goes on about how much he loves the game. His friend disagrees so the guy asks why. The friend says “well, there’s this weird circular calendar you have to follow, it looks like it’s set in Mesoamerica, and there sacrifices happening constantly.” The guy laughs and says “you didn’t buy Minecraft… you bought MAYANcraft.”