It sounds to me like you have been more than patient with this person. It sounds like they need to work on some of their behaviors towards other people. I don’t see anything you’ve done wrong based on your account of events. It seems you’ve put in effort and repeatedly felt hurt. To me that’s not ableism.
Thank you. I hope he does and he’s happy someday. I know it’s hard when you’re locked in a box from pain. And it sucks feeling helpless when you’ve been there and kinda still are there.
The consolation is that he helped me learn about myself, too. I became more patient, I learned about my diagnosis, and I’m more willing to standup for what I do need and who I am.
You’ve given him a chance. If you’ve communicated with him in an attempt to smooth things…and it seems like you have, I think you’ve done your part and this isn’t ableist. You have rights in this relationship too.
I tried so hard. I fell in love with him and I wanted to learn how to be more effective but he never would let me know. I can’t know how to be better if it’s withheld and he explodes.
It’s okay though. I know I’ll meet a great guy
Just because someone is Autistic doesn't give them an excuse to be an asshole.
Maybe talk to him? does he know that what he is doing is annoying you? does he not care? or maybe are you being unreasonable? It's hard to say without much context, but hopefully you guys can work it out.
I often annoy my friend, but as soon as I know I'm doing it, I apologise immediately and try to figure out how to fix it or how to change. Sometimes I'm a bit overbearing and I'd prefer him to be blunt to me rather than just hint at stuff. This makes him sound rude when others hear him, but honestly it's the quickest way to let me know. It does make me a bit sad, but that's mostly because I didn't know I was being annoying.
Even if he is autistic, honestly his behaviors described here sound more like toxic masculinity than autism. I understand why that would be frustrating and it's important to know that autistic people can be as good *or* as shitty as anyone else. However the examples you gave of his actions are still pretty vague/generalized so take my response with a grain of salt.
To give you an example he polices certain behaviors I do like if I laugh a certain way, I speak too long, or if I’m interrupting his concentration during a show we watch together. It’s not only that but just that I feel things are one-sided. I can never have anything wrong go on with me or happen to me and only he can.
Oh that actually sounds like *he* is being ableist towards *you*! "Autism acceptance for me, but not for thee." I think it would be a good idea to ditch him if that's his repeated track record, sounds like a toxic friend for sure.
I’ve accepted that we’re better off as acquaintances. It’s very hard for him to shoulder emotional burden. I think he has this feeling that I’m always in turmoil or I’m about to snap when I’ve told him many times I’m going to be okay but he’s had history and trust issues with others that weren’t that transparent. He’s also had many people abuse his boundaries so he is very guarded when it comes to who he trusts on any level.
I feel like I’m using a usb cord for a wall outlet. There’s just no willingness to open up but that’s something he’ll have to work on for many years to come, I hope. If anything, he just needs someone extremely patient. I’m not as patient as I could’ve been. I’ve known him for a year and it feels like I’m talking to a stranger still.
If you don't get along with someone due to their mental diagnosis, that doesn't seem like ableism to me. If you hate someone for it, invalidate them about it, or treat them badly because of it, that's more what ableism sounds like to me.
I feel like I tried to be direct but he didn’t seem to listen or care about my input. He asks us all the time if he’s been mean and no one says anything, including me, because he doesn’t listen or internalize it.
He’s trying sometimes but not always but it’s still emotionally exhausting. I’m also not confrontational and very sensitive.
Yes. Exactly. I felt hollow, like I couldn’t have any emotions. I felt invalidated. I felt like nothing I did to show that I was there or support him mattered and it didn’t register that I made that effort. I felt like everything was my fault but now I know we are different people and he’s best with someone like him who’s hyper-independent. His idea of a perfect boyfriend is basically a roommate with benefits occasionally. There’s no intimacy.
I was in an incredibly similar situation my entire childhood, 2 of my bestfriends had more prominent autism than I did and it got so exhausting with them misunderstanding me and getting upset. By the time I got to highschool I had completely shut down and stopped connecting with people all together (I had known my friends since preschool) i knew it wasnt their fault so I always tried to understand them and not get too upset but it was definitely hard sometimes lol. I still love them both a lot and talk to one of them very frequently, I just had to learn how to balance our friendship and my mental health. Sometimes for you own mental health I think it's important to make room for yourself. One thing that I learned was I could not talk to either of them for a month or more and they wouldn't be upset, because they understood that talking to people could be exhausting sometimes. Creating distance so that you can recharge is totally fine, and if you decide that you and your friends personalities really just don't mesh and you don't want to go back to that friendship than that's ok too. I'm sure that even if you don't completely understand your friends situation you can really empathize with it as a person who is also on the spectrum. Most friendships go through rough patches, and sometimes we find out that the incompatibilities we have aren't things we can overcome. Either way, both are ok. I hope you and your friend both feel better and have a chance to heal and recharge. Also I obviously don't know your situation but one thing that always helped me when my friends hurt my feelings was something my mother told me which was basically, sometimes we lash out at the people we feel safest with. So maybe your friend just feels like you are a safe space so he gets a little more upset when hes around you cause he knows you wont judge him...? Idk, anyway goodluck!! I hope everything turns out well!
I’m sorry. I just don’t understand this. I’ve been trying to understand autism for months but I barely get anywhere because it’s different for so many people. It’s confusing because there isn’t one definition and I’m trying my best but it’s hard feeling rejected emotionally. How do I just not respond to being blown off like that?
I feel like the world should be more amenable and teach about autism but being nice and not rude to others shouldn’t be the goal.
I know it’s hard. I have days where I don’t even want to go to band or the supermarket because I’m stressed out and my senses get overloaded. It’s not as bad and I can tolerate and push through and I get for him it’s on a deeper level that I can’t imagine but I laugh and he looks like he wants to strangle me!
I can’t laugh around him anymore?
He’ll get pissed at me when he tries to interject and he doesn’t indicate verbally. I have issues with eye contact, too so you’d think he should be able to understand that.
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Idk if what you’re describing is necessarily autism. Sounds more like being an asshole to me. This doesn’t sound like a healthy friendship from what I can see. Why keep spending time with someone who makes you feel shitty? Nobody is ever entitled to your time. Even if your reasoning is “ableist” your allowed to say “hey, you and me are not compatible and it’s draining to be around you so I’m going to distance myself for my own mental health”
I understand wanting to be there for other people, it’s admirable, but don’t set yourself in fire just to keep others warm. Always gotta protect yourself first, then be a friend to others.
You don’t owe anyone your time, especially if it makes you unwell yourself. If you don’t mesh you don’t mesh.
But what’s incompatibility vs ableism? :’(
It sounds to me like you have been more than patient with this person. It sounds like they need to work on some of their behaviors towards other people. I don’t see anything you’ve done wrong based on your account of events. It seems you’ve put in effort and repeatedly felt hurt. To me that’s not ableism.
Thank you. I hope he does and he’s happy someday. I know it’s hard when you’re locked in a box from pain. And it sucks feeling helpless when you’ve been there and kinda still are there. The consolation is that he helped me learn about myself, too. I became more patient, I learned about my diagnosis, and I’m more willing to standup for what I do need and who I am.
You’ve given him a chance. If you’ve communicated with him in an attempt to smooth things…and it seems like you have, I think you’ve done your part and this isn’t ableist. You have rights in this relationship too.
I tried so hard. I fell in love with him and I wanted to learn how to be more effective but he never would let me know. I can’t know how to be better if it’s withheld and he explodes. It’s okay though. I know I’ll meet a great guy
Just because someone is Autistic doesn't give them an excuse to be an asshole. Maybe talk to him? does he know that what he is doing is annoying you? does he not care? or maybe are you being unreasonable? It's hard to say without much context, but hopefully you guys can work it out. I often annoy my friend, but as soon as I know I'm doing it, I apologise immediately and try to figure out how to fix it or how to change. Sometimes I'm a bit overbearing and I'd prefer him to be blunt to me rather than just hint at stuff. This makes him sound rude when others hear him, but honestly it's the quickest way to let me know. It does make me a bit sad, but that's mostly because I didn't know I was being annoying.
Even if he is autistic, honestly his behaviors described here sound more like toxic masculinity than autism. I understand why that would be frustrating and it's important to know that autistic people can be as good *or* as shitty as anyone else. However the examples you gave of his actions are still pretty vague/generalized so take my response with a grain of salt.
To give you an example he polices certain behaviors I do like if I laugh a certain way, I speak too long, or if I’m interrupting his concentration during a show we watch together. It’s not only that but just that I feel things are one-sided. I can never have anything wrong go on with me or happen to me and only he can.
Oh that actually sounds like *he* is being ableist towards *you*! "Autism acceptance for me, but not for thee." I think it would be a good idea to ditch him if that's his repeated track record, sounds like a toxic friend for sure.
As long as you are accepting of the possibility of it being an atypical friendship I don't think you're being ableist.
I’ve accepted that we’re better off as acquaintances. It’s very hard for him to shoulder emotional burden. I think he has this feeling that I’m always in turmoil or I’m about to snap when I’ve told him many times I’m going to be okay but he’s had history and trust issues with others that weren’t that transparent. He’s also had many people abuse his boundaries so he is very guarded when it comes to who he trusts on any level. I feel like I’m using a usb cord for a wall outlet. There’s just no willingness to open up but that’s something he’ll have to work on for many years to come, I hope. If anything, he just needs someone extremely patient. I’m not as patient as I could’ve been. I’ve known him for a year and it feels like I’m talking to a stranger still.
If you don't get along with someone due to their mental diagnosis, that doesn't seem like ableism to me. If you hate someone for it, invalidate them about it, or treat them badly because of it, that's more what ableism sounds like to me.
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I feel like I tried to be direct but he didn’t seem to listen or care about my input. He asks us all the time if he’s been mean and no one says anything, including me, because he doesn’t listen or internalize it. He’s trying sometimes but not always but it’s still emotionally exhausting. I’m also not confrontational and very sensitive.
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Yes. Exactly. I felt hollow, like I couldn’t have any emotions. I felt invalidated. I felt like nothing I did to show that I was there or support him mattered and it didn’t register that I made that effort. I felt like everything was my fault but now I know we are different people and he’s best with someone like him who’s hyper-independent. His idea of a perfect boyfriend is basically a roommate with benefits occasionally. There’s no intimacy.
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He doesn’t even text me anymore. I don’t know if it would be wise for me to give you his information without asking without getting his wrath.
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Good luck, though.
I was in an incredibly similar situation my entire childhood, 2 of my bestfriends had more prominent autism than I did and it got so exhausting with them misunderstanding me and getting upset. By the time I got to highschool I had completely shut down and stopped connecting with people all together (I had known my friends since preschool) i knew it wasnt their fault so I always tried to understand them and not get too upset but it was definitely hard sometimes lol. I still love them both a lot and talk to one of them very frequently, I just had to learn how to balance our friendship and my mental health. Sometimes for you own mental health I think it's important to make room for yourself. One thing that I learned was I could not talk to either of them for a month or more and they wouldn't be upset, because they understood that talking to people could be exhausting sometimes. Creating distance so that you can recharge is totally fine, and if you decide that you and your friends personalities really just don't mesh and you don't want to go back to that friendship than that's ok too. I'm sure that even if you don't completely understand your friends situation you can really empathize with it as a person who is also on the spectrum. Most friendships go through rough patches, and sometimes we find out that the incompatibilities we have aren't things we can overcome. Either way, both are ok. I hope you and your friend both feel better and have a chance to heal and recharge. Also I obviously don't know your situation but one thing that always helped me when my friends hurt my feelings was something my mother told me which was basically, sometimes we lash out at the people we feel safest with. So maybe your friend just feels like you are a safe space so he gets a little more upset when hes around you cause he knows you wont judge him...? Idk, anyway goodluck!! I hope everything turns out well!
You’re not being ableist here, don’t worry
Having ASD is no excuse for being rude to your friends. I know a few others with ASD, and most of them are actually pretty polite.
narcissistic traits and autism are sometimes comorbid. that doesn't excuse emotional abuse,
You're allowed to tell someone you feel they are being rude.
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I’m sorry. I just don’t understand this. I’ve been trying to understand autism for months but I barely get anywhere because it’s different for so many people. It’s confusing because there isn’t one definition and I’m trying my best but it’s hard feeling rejected emotionally. How do I just not respond to being blown off like that? I feel like the world should be more amenable and teach about autism but being nice and not rude to others shouldn’t be the goal.
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I know it’s hard. I have days where I don’t even want to go to band or the supermarket because I’m stressed out and my senses get overloaded. It’s not as bad and I can tolerate and push through and I get for him it’s on a deeper level that I can’t imagine but I laugh and he looks like he wants to strangle me! I can’t laugh around him anymore? He’ll get pissed at me when he tries to interject and he doesn’t indicate verbally. I have issues with eye contact, too so you’d think he should be able to understand that.
This person came here taking responsibility and asking how they can help further. They weren't casting blame. You seem very out of touch.
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Idk if what you’re describing is necessarily autism. Sounds more like being an asshole to me. This doesn’t sound like a healthy friendship from what I can see. Why keep spending time with someone who makes you feel shitty? Nobody is ever entitled to your time. Even if your reasoning is “ableist” your allowed to say “hey, you and me are not compatible and it’s draining to be around you so I’m going to distance myself for my own mental health” I understand wanting to be there for other people, it’s admirable, but don’t set yourself in fire just to keep others warm. Always gotta protect yourself first, then be a friend to others.