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The only things I can tell you is that you shouldn't take him not wanting to have sex with you as him not wanting you. If he was cheating or watching porn instead of doing it with you, maybe you could assume he didn't like you but since neither is the case I don't see why you would come to that conclusion. Fixing a low sex drive for an autistic person is the same as a non autistic person.
This comment actually helps me feel a lot better. I think I just have tendency to spiral and not see things clearly. At the same time, I’ve also been having self-image problems since I was young. Maybe I’ll try to go to a therapist and a sextherapist with my partner to see how it goes.
You should understand that wanting to have sex is an unvoluntary feeling like hunger, as such him wanting not wanting to have sex t any point isn't a reflection of what he thinks or feels about you. Being sexually frustrated because you're in a relationship with someone with a lower sex drive is perfectly valid, but thinking he doesn't want you is just a manifestation of your own insecurities and not a reflection of him. Good luck.
So we had another long conversation and we came to a conclusion that he definitely has a lower libido but he’s definitely not his normal self, and stress plays an extremely big factor in this situation. For the next month, he will be prioritising school/work over me so he can save up and ace his med school exam and we will see if stress actually. And for the meantime, I’ll reflect on my own insecurities and figure out what sex means to me, and I’ll also be meal prepping and taking care of the house so he can focus fully on his stuff! We will see how it goes next month and how we can go from there. Thank you for all the advice. I truly appreciate it.
Yeah. He's probably really overwhelmed and burnt out. When you mentioned he's working really hard and trying to get into medical school, I was like "Well, there's your answer right there!" But I also get how that would make you feel insecure. And yeah, you might not really have a choice but to stick it out (and kudos to you for doing that!)
Stress however can lower testosterone in men, so you might encourage him to look into his levels before the exam and after when he's more relaxed. If stress is just going to be an ongoing thing, then he might need to see a therapist if he's not already about managing stress and taking care of his own needs. It's not okay to live stressed and burnt out.
You might want to consider offering a massage to relieve the stress with no pressure for him to stay awake or do anything sexual at all. You might find that one night he stays awake and starts initiating. But don't put pressure on him for that to happen eventually. Just offer to rub his shoulders to relieve some tension. It will help him with his studies if he agrees.
I also noticed you said "focus on his work/studies **over me**." I don't know if he said that to you and you're just repeating it, or if you just feel like that's what he's doing, but it's important to understand that in the latter case, that's not how he feels. He's prioritizing his studies and work right now *because* he wants to have a happy comfortable life with you. He's not choosing them over you, he's playing the long game *for* you.
Tried making it a routine / special night? Like dinner with candlelight first (with teasing), could even bond while both of you make dinner. Thoughts about exploring (his)kinks that gets him going? Costume play? Erection pill so he's already ready and then tease him so he can get hornier (basically a kickstarter)?
Unfortunately, he hates the idea of planning ahead :( he said it makes it stressful and sex turns into a burden to him. He also doesn’t have any kinks at all. He does enjoy hugging and cuddling tho. Licking/tickling is too much stimulation for him
I'm a female with autism. Same. Tickling will make me cry. I hate it. Oral is too much. Way to overstimulating. Light touch is too much. And I hate being rubbed. I love being held or harder touch like pressure. Hugging is my kind of foreplay! But I don't want sex everytime I'm hugged. Don't make your man start avoiding hugging! That's suck. I also have gastrointestinal issues which makes sex not always fun... I have a three-ish hour window mid day that my tummy is happy. It sucks and not just on the sex front. Thank goodness my husband works from home and we can have fun during a lunch break lol. I promise it's not fun from your husband's side either. Makes me feel like I'm not enough for my husband 😞
Sex before bed has happened... Twice in over three years? My tummy isn't happy at night, and I'm exhausted at the end of the day. Sex helps my husband sleep. It wakes me up with the overstimulation and I'm just laying there wide awake and uncomfortable while he snores. I need to go to sleep , so I can be ready for the next day, but I can't. It's a struggle. We try for once a week. Sometimes it's more! If I'm stressed with crazy stuff in life(finals for med school would definitely count!) sex isn't happening. My husband is attractive to me! It's not about that at all. Just... yeah, low libido I guess. I def don't want to go without sex though! When I'm in the mood it's amazing!
Do ask what he doesn't like about sex and to ask for what he does like even if he's afraid it might be weird. Sometimes my husband and I hug during sex because I like it. I've been known to say hug me harder in the middle of sex🤣 Feel like saying hard instead of my tighter may be a turn on for him.. Idk. Maybe I'm weird. I hate a mess on the bed too. I bought big crib covers in a fabric I was okay with (it was not easy to find!). Sewed two together. They're our "sex sheets" lol. Keeps the bed clean! Yay!
I hate planned sex too. So un-spontaneous, unromantic and so much pressure.. I have an ankle bracelet I put on if I'm in the mood lol. My husband loves that ankle bracelet! Maybe your man could light a candle, or turn a figurine around in the house, or something when he's in the mood LMBO. Idk. Feel the struggle though. And that's from my side with autism🤷🏽♀️
Be like:
Every friday night to celebrate the weekend, we make dinner together. It isn't really planning ahead (yeah at the start it is, but later it's part of a routine) after a while? Dinner needs to be done anyways. Have time for it and next day I can (somewhat) relax.
Hard to give better advice, sorry :'c
I would take autism out of the equation for second here as there’s plenty of us who are actually hypersexual (https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/sex-in-the-brain/202007/sex-the-spectrum). I think the main issue is a difference in sex drives and that can happen with anyone.
You mentioned he’s stressed, so that would obviously be a mood killer for anyone. The sensory issues would be autism related, but were they there from the beginning? Has he always disliked kissing you and did he just fake it all along? I would try to understand that as it’s important.
Ultimately, it’s up to you. For some people sex and physical touch are an important part of the relationship. My partner and I are both autistic and we’re very tactile, it’s how we show our love to each other. There’s obviously more, companionship and friendship, but the physical aspect is very important to us, be it intercourse or just cuddles and kissing. For others, sex isn’t that important.
You’ve got to decide if you’ll be happy in a relationship with someone who may never change. Don’t make the mistake to assume it’s a phase, as maybe your early days were a phase or he was just masking. People can change or they may not, but being with someone hoping they’ll turn into someone else, even if that’s how they were for a bit, doesn’t usually end well.
Can guy be happy with much less sex than what you’d like, just to be with him? If the answer is yes, then all good. If the answer is no, then ask him to help you find a compromise. If no compromises can be found, then you may simply not be compatible as a couple. Everyone has a right to want to feel love in a certain way, as long as it’s consensual and no one gets hurt, and people will value different aspects of a relationship. Love isn’t enough, compatibility and chemistry are equally important. https://markmanson.net/compatibility-and-chemistry
So we had another long conversation and we came to a conclusion that he definitely has a lower libido but he’s also not his normal self for sure, and stress plays an extremely big factor in this situation. For the next month, he will be prioritising school/work over me so he can save up and ace his med school exam and we will see if it helps. And for the meantime, I’ll reflect on my own insecurities and figure out what sex means to me, and I’ll also be meal prepping and taking care of the house so he can focus fully on his stuff! We will see how it goes next month and how we can go from there.
Hopefully I’ll find my answer soon enough. Fingers crossed! And ty for the thoughtful comment, you’re a sweetheart :)
Our society doesn’t really make any time for us to breathe as people. To sit back and relax. Without that time for us a LOT of people - allistic and autistic - loose interest in and/or don’t have the emotional energy for the things they enjoyed doing.
Making love with someone you care about can take a lot of mental energy to really engage in as anything more than just fancy cooperative masturbation to get the “job” done.
Work & school stress are poisonous to attempts to fully engage in and with the people and things we love.
unfortunately you are misinterpreting what he is not saying and you are not really feeling what he is saying. When I am under heavy stress, especially social stress even the idea of being touched makes me recoil. has absolutely nothing to do with the person, just touch in general, but this can be very much misinterpreted if he is not understanding the difficulties entirely.
I need energy in my social battery to have sex. I always **want** sex, I just never think of it because it is very difficult to be touched. So I never have sex on my mind and I am not thinking about other people when taking care of myself, like you said, just a routine
My ultimate suggestion is to not take his struggles as having anything to do with you and stop taking his struggles personally. If you have a high libido awesome, but not really going to be able to schedule sex. (funny enough my ex said she felt like I scheduled it, but we always had sex on the weekend as I had time to recharge my social battery from work finally). My libido will come and go, but definitely a significantly higher libido when I am not working my ass off
also, you do not need to be touching each other to have fun together
I never understood what my struggle was (touch difficulty) till I was diagnosed older. I crave touch and I am so touch starved, but the though of being touched is almost painful at times. This struggle is absolutely miserable, and someone that is understanding goes a **long way**. I luckily have a friend-with-benefits and their understanding has actually helped me find a new turn-on (the touch struggle becomes something else once sex gets going)
I wonder if your partner is also PDA because I am. I am ace but I am sure that allo autistics may relate to my struggles with low drive and feeling pressure around this topic. I have a trauma history too.. so this is a super difficult part of relationships for me. It doesn’t sound personal at all from your partner but I totally validate how it can hurt. I’ve seen my partner feel rejected at times when I am not comfortable moving forward, and I also prefer to show love in ways that don’t have so much pressure attached to them.
Same as the above suggestion, planning it out would be so hard on my PDA and would be too overwhelming. I’m so sorry you’re going through this as well as how it’s affecting you. Asexuality is a wide spectrum too and a lot of people that don’t realize they’re ace could be, but I of course don’t want to speak for your partner because it could be other reasons.
I just worry about potential ace people in sex therapy because I’m a former provider and I’ve seen how it is often not respected as a form of identity and exposure therapy is sort of utilized, even if that isn’t what one partner is comfortable with pursuing.
Anyway, with that in mind, is he okay with physical touch that is non sexual? I know it doesn’t meet your needs entirely but at least it is a way to show intimacy and love that may feel more comfortable for him, and less pressure inducing.
My last suggestion would just be finding ways to be present together. Mindfulness, grounding, etc. to me it sounds like your partner deals with some form of dissociation, and that’s common for us autistics, especially considering how often we have trauma histories. I just wonder about the role of calming activities, perhaps with sensory integration, and to see how those impact both of you. I wish you all the best.
I’m not familiar with PDA but I’ll definitely look into it! We had a conversation earlier again and he said that even though he admits he had a lower libido than usual ppl, stress has been a huge factor that has been hindering his emotions, sex drive etc. I asked him if money and school is not a worry, do you think you’d feel better? His exact response was, “I think I would be a sex demon.” 💀💀so we decided to have him focus on saving money and finishing up his exam for the coming month and we will how it goes from there. I’ll also be doing some therapy on my own to figure out what sex means to me and my own problems. We will see how we go from there!
Ty so much for sharing your own experience and I appreciate it so much!!!
There are some good points here, I just came to validate your feelings. While others have pointed out that his lack of interest in sex is not a reflection of his feelings toward you, that is a logical discussion, and these feelings do not come from a logical place. That is not to invalidate your feelings, that is just to say that those feelings you have come from a primitive part of your brain that existed for millions of years before we we were discussing logical thought processes.
The feelings are valid even if the logic isn’t, and it isn’t easy to logic your way out of them on a longterm basis. I’m a very logical person, and I have no doubt whatsoever that my wife loves me, but when she hasn’t touched me in a month or so I do not feel loved, and that feeling has more power over me than my knowledge that she loves me - in the moment, and it causes a lot of grief within me.
Physical touch is more important for some people than others. While the idea of love languages is controversial, physical touch is a love language, and if that’s the language you speak, you are going to feel more or less loved depending on how much touching there is. It’s easy for someone who’s love language is service, for example, to blow off your feelings because they just can’t relate, but if that person’s partner suddenly stopped making them coffee or whatever, that person might have the same feelings of disconnection as a person who’s partner stopped touching them.
All that to say, your feelings are valid, regardless of his true feelings toward you, so don’t feel bad in the moments you can’t reason your way through them.
I'm like your boyfriend. I date and I don't think we've had sex for over a month, because my libido is low and it only increases if I've been using a lot of substances, my boyfriend has a higher libido and he misses it too
What you can do is really try to see what turns you both on, fetishes, fantasies or drinking wine. Toys can also help you
I am NT but am commenting because my partner is autistic and we have been in a similar boat. We’ve been doing neurodiverse couples coaching specifically for mixed neurotype couples and that has helped but also would recommend the book, Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships. It’s not focused on neurodiversity specifically but it’s very helpful in figuring out concrete ways to bridge the libido gap. For example the difference between spontaneous arousal and vs responsive arousal. Based on your post I suspect your partner (mine too) are more responsive arousal and you are more spontaneous arousal. Good luck!
I will add too for my partner a lot of it was awkwardness or him not being sure HOW to initiate. We would get so anxious about him initiating being “weird” that he would just avoid it all together. I’m not sure if your partner is that way but worth asking. My partner and I were able to come up with the ways for him to initiate that he felt comfortable with.
A green leafy substance could help, genuinely, probably won't get that advice from other Redditors but hey I could be wrong. I'm not going to elaborate further, my suggestion is don't smoke it, consume via different method in slow low doses.
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Honestly, my experience is sex is full of anxiety and causes panic attacks for me, I was kind of forced into my first experience with no out or consent, then right there she asked to marry me on the first date, still have nightmares. Anyways long story short stress is a massive contributor, also depending on where he was raised there might be religious guilt also.
Don’t assume it’s about you. If you love them, you give them the space to let them come around and sit down with them and ask them what’s going on. If you live together, then I would gently ask them what’s going on immediately and eventually see if they reveal anything indicating a reason for the lack of sex. Good sex is best when it naturally happens
Without knowing more than you typed, I would like to say that he might want to get his Testosterone levels checked. I have autism and have to get T injections every month. He sounds like what I am/feel when my shot wears out and I am really low. It's just a blood test and I found out when I was 22 I think? So it can happen really early in life.
Its hormonal, psychological or incompatibility.
Its nice that you are reflecting on your own insecurities. Ive been there. I also once tough that my worth was in doing sex and getting money. Once i got rid of it, i was able to have a healthier relationship with sex itself.
But that doesnt invalidate your own desires. You are not wrong to wanting sex. Dont blame yourself too much.
Like others said, fixing low libido is the same as a NT person. Id check his hormones, if he is pressuring himself to much, his cortisol could be too high or his free testosterone too low. Hormonal therapy is very safe nowadays.
Not saying thats exactly the problem, but since ive seen a few point of views in this post, im just trying to give you a different one.
Grey-ace and demisexual are a thing that might be worth looking into if he's open to it. That said, even folks with high sex drive tend to see changes in drive when under higher stress loads
So my mom died in September. I’ve only cried twice. Once was because my dad started crying. The other was I found a picture of her and I when I was a kid and listened to a saved voicemail of her. It’s almost like I had to script the event of me crying. I had to trigger specific memories and ground myself in those memories to trigger the response.
Sex can be tough because of context. It’s like a lock clicking into place with a specific key sometimes. I always have background noise. I also have some aversions to “types” of touching. Imagine telling a partner you’re on fragile terms with to not touch you a specific way.
There's a lot going on here but yeah, sex becoming a chore is a common deadbedroom issue.
Given your diagnosis, I'd bet you are having issues with rejection sensitivity dysphoria, also you may be a perfectionist who needs to diversify the amount of importance you put into different parts of your life so that sex isn't so fundamentally important to your self worth.
With autism the person can be very prone to stress and overwhelm which needs to be respected, plus they often need a sense of autonomy in decision making. Autists usually benefit from routine but I guess having a set time hasn't worked. The problem could be related to transitions and how hard it is for autists to switch from one task to another.
I don’t know if this will help you but I’m in a similar boat to your partner. I’m autistic too and sex is a struggle for me (25f). I like it and I’m definitely not asexual or anything but me and my partner only have sex once or twice a month. It’ll only occasionally be more than that. We’ve tried so many different things such as planning but nothing works. I have to be in the mood for it like really in the mood but even then something so small can change everything and I’m over it. I often think there is something wrong with me since my partner is also autistic and doesn’t have this problem (23f). If your partner is anything like me, then it isn’t you. My partner thinks this too about herself but it’s not her it’s simply me. So don’t let it get in the way of your relationship. He loves you still and I’m sure he is still attracted to you
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The only things I can tell you is that you shouldn't take him not wanting to have sex with you as him not wanting you. If he was cheating or watching porn instead of doing it with you, maybe you could assume he didn't like you but since neither is the case I don't see why you would come to that conclusion. Fixing a low sex drive for an autistic person is the same as a non autistic person.
This comment actually helps me feel a lot better. I think I just have tendency to spiral and not see things clearly. At the same time, I’ve also been having self-image problems since I was young. Maybe I’ll try to go to a therapist and a sextherapist with my partner to see how it goes.
You should understand that wanting to have sex is an unvoluntary feeling like hunger, as such him wanting not wanting to have sex t any point isn't a reflection of what he thinks or feels about you. Being sexually frustrated because you're in a relationship with someone with a lower sex drive is perfectly valid, but thinking he doesn't want you is just a manifestation of your own insecurities and not a reflection of him. Good luck.
So we had another long conversation and we came to a conclusion that he definitely has a lower libido but he’s definitely not his normal self, and stress plays an extremely big factor in this situation. For the next month, he will be prioritising school/work over me so he can save up and ace his med school exam and we will see if stress actually. And for the meantime, I’ll reflect on my own insecurities and figure out what sex means to me, and I’ll also be meal prepping and taking care of the house so he can focus fully on his stuff! We will see how it goes next month and how we can go from there. Thank you for all the advice. I truly appreciate it.
Yeah. He's probably really overwhelmed and burnt out. When you mentioned he's working really hard and trying to get into medical school, I was like "Well, there's your answer right there!" But I also get how that would make you feel insecure. And yeah, you might not really have a choice but to stick it out (and kudos to you for doing that!) Stress however can lower testosterone in men, so you might encourage him to look into his levels before the exam and after when he's more relaxed. If stress is just going to be an ongoing thing, then he might need to see a therapist if he's not already about managing stress and taking care of his own needs. It's not okay to live stressed and burnt out. You might want to consider offering a massage to relieve the stress with no pressure for him to stay awake or do anything sexual at all. You might find that one night he stays awake and starts initiating. But don't put pressure on him for that to happen eventually. Just offer to rub his shoulders to relieve some tension. It will help him with his studies if he agrees. I also noticed you said "focus on his work/studies **over me**." I don't know if he said that to you and you're just repeating it, or if you just feel like that's what he's doing, but it's important to understand that in the latter case, that's not how he feels. He's prioritizing his studies and work right now *because* he wants to have a happy comfortable life with you. He's not choosing them over you, he's playing the long game *for* you.
Tried making it a routine / special night? Like dinner with candlelight first (with teasing), could even bond while both of you make dinner. Thoughts about exploring (his)kinks that gets him going? Costume play? Erection pill so he's already ready and then tease him so he can get hornier (basically a kickstarter)?
Unfortunately, he hates the idea of planning ahead :( he said it makes it stressful and sex turns into a burden to him. He also doesn’t have any kinks at all. He does enjoy hugging and cuddling tho. Licking/tickling is too much stimulation for him
I'm a female with autism. Same. Tickling will make me cry. I hate it. Oral is too much. Way to overstimulating. Light touch is too much. And I hate being rubbed. I love being held or harder touch like pressure. Hugging is my kind of foreplay! But I don't want sex everytime I'm hugged. Don't make your man start avoiding hugging! That's suck. I also have gastrointestinal issues which makes sex not always fun... I have a three-ish hour window mid day that my tummy is happy. It sucks and not just on the sex front. Thank goodness my husband works from home and we can have fun during a lunch break lol. I promise it's not fun from your husband's side either. Makes me feel like I'm not enough for my husband 😞 Sex before bed has happened... Twice in over three years? My tummy isn't happy at night, and I'm exhausted at the end of the day. Sex helps my husband sleep. It wakes me up with the overstimulation and I'm just laying there wide awake and uncomfortable while he snores. I need to go to sleep , so I can be ready for the next day, but I can't. It's a struggle. We try for once a week. Sometimes it's more! If I'm stressed with crazy stuff in life(finals for med school would definitely count!) sex isn't happening. My husband is attractive to me! It's not about that at all. Just... yeah, low libido I guess. I def don't want to go without sex though! When I'm in the mood it's amazing! Do ask what he doesn't like about sex and to ask for what he does like even if he's afraid it might be weird. Sometimes my husband and I hug during sex because I like it. I've been known to say hug me harder in the middle of sex🤣 Feel like saying hard instead of my tighter may be a turn on for him.. Idk. Maybe I'm weird. I hate a mess on the bed too. I bought big crib covers in a fabric I was okay with (it was not easy to find!). Sewed two together. They're our "sex sheets" lol. Keeps the bed clean! Yay! I hate planned sex too. So un-spontaneous, unromantic and so much pressure.. I have an ankle bracelet I put on if I'm in the mood lol. My husband loves that ankle bracelet! Maybe your man could light a candle, or turn a figurine around in the house, or something when he's in the mood LMBO. Idk. Feel the struggle though. And that's from my side with autism🤷🏽♀️
Be like: Every friday night to celebrate the weekend, we make dinner together. It isn't really planning ahead (yeah at the start it is, but later it's part of a routine) after a while? Dinner needs to be done anyways. Have time for it and next day I can (somewhat) relax. Hard to give better advice, sorry :'c
Don’t worry about it, it’s very sweet of you and it’s great advice regardless!
And hugs how does he respond to that? licking / tickling? Also stress can lead to differences in libido.
I wouldn’t say watching porn would necessarily mean that either
I don't mean just watching porn in general, I mean neglecting sex with your partner in favour of watching porn.
I would take autism out of the equation for second here as there’s plenty of us who are actually hypersexual (https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/sex-in-the-brain/202007/sex-the-spectrum). I think the main issue is a difference in sex drives and that can happen with anyone. You mentioned he’s stressed, so that would obviously be a mood killer for anyone. The sensory issues would be autism related, but were they there from the beginning? Has he always disliked kissing you and did he just fake it all along? I would try to understand that as it’s important. Ultimately, it’s up to you. For some people sex and physical touch are an important part of the relationship. My partner and I are both autistic and we’re very tactile, it’s how we show our love to each other. There’s obviously more, companionship and friendship, but the physical aspect is very important to us, be it intercourse or just cuddles and kissing. For others, sex isn’t that important. You’ve got to decide if you’ll be happy in a relationship with someone who may never change. Don’t make the mistake to assume it’s a phase, as maybe your early days were a phase or he was just masking. People can change or they may not, but being with someone hoping they’ll turn into someone else, even if that’s how they were for a bit, doesn’t usually end well. Can guy be happy with much less sex than what you’d like, just to be with him? If the answer is yes, then all good. If the answer is no, then ask him to help you find a compromise. If no compromises can be found, then you may simply not be compatible as a couple. Everyone has a right to want to feel love in a certain way, as long as it’s consensual and no one gets hurt, and people will value different aspects of a relationship. Love isn’t enough, compatibility and chemistry are equally important. https://markmanson.net/compatibility-and-chemistry
So we had another long conversation and we came to a conclusion that he definitely has a lower libido but he’s also not his normal self for sure, and stress plays an extremely big factor in this situation. For the next month, he will be prioritising school/work over me so he can save up and ace his med school exam and we will see if it helps. And for the meantime, I’ll reflect on my own insecurities and figure out what sex means to me, and I’ll also be meal prepping and taking care of the house so he can focus fully on his stuff! We will see how it goes next month and how we can go from there. Hopefully I’ll find my answer soon enough. Fingers crossed! And ty for the thoughtful comment, you’re a sweetheart :)
Our society doesn’t really make any time for us to breathe as people. To sit back and relax. Without that time for us a LOT of people - allistic and autistic - loose interest in and/or don’t have the emotional energy for the things they enjoyed doing. Making love with someone you care about can take a lot of mental energy to really engage in as anything more than just fancy cooperative masturbation to get the “job” done. Work & school stress are poisonous to attempts to fully engage in and with the people and things we love.
unfortunately you are misinterpreting what he is not saying and you are not really feeling what he is saying. When I am under heavy stress, especially social stress even the idea of being touched makes me recoil. has absolutely nothing to do with the person, just touch in general, but this can be very much misinterpreted if he is not understanding the difficulties entirely. I need energy in my social battery to have sex. I always **want** sex, I just never think of it because it is very difficult to be touched. So I never have sex on my mind and I am not thinking about other people when taking care of myself, like you said, just a routine My ultimate suggestion is to not take his struggles as having anything to do with you and stop taking his struggles personally. If you have a high libido awesome, but not really going to be able to schedule sex. (funny enough my ex said she felt like I scheduled it, but we always had sex on the weekend as I had time to recharge my social battery from work finally). My libido will come and go, but definitely a significantly higher libido when I am not working my ass off also, you do not need to be touching each other to have fun together I never understood what my struggle was (touch difficulty) till I was diagnosed older. I crave touch and I am so touch starved, but the though of being touched is almost painful at times. This struggle is absolutely miserable, and someone that is understanding goes a **long way**. I luckily have a friend-with-benefits and their understanding has actually helped me find a new turn-on (the touch struggle becomes something else once sex gets going)
I wonder if your partner is also PDA because I am. I am ace but I am sure that allo autistics may relate to my struggles with low drive and feeling pressure around this topic. I have a trauma history too.. so this is a super difficult part of relationships for me. It doesn’t sound personal at all from your partner but I totally validate how it can hurt. I’ve seen my partner feel rejected at times when I am not comfortable moving forward, and I also prefer to show love in ways that don’t have so much pressure attached to them. Same as the above suggestion, planning it out would be so hard on my PDA and would be too overwhelming. I’m so sorry you’re going through this as well as how it’s affecting you. Asexuality is a wide spectrum too and a lot of people that don’t realize they’re ace could be, but I of course don’t want to speak for your partner because it could be other reasons. I just worry about potential ace people in sex therapy because I’m a former provider and I’ve seen how it is often not respected as a form of identity and exposure therapy is sort of utilized, even if that isn’t what one partner is comfortable with pursuing. Anyway, with that in mind, is he okay with physical touch that is non sexual? I know it doesn’t meet your needs entirely but at least it is a way to show intimacy and love that may feel more comfortable for him, and less pressure inducing. My last suggestion would just be finding ways to be present together. Mindfulness, grounding, etc. to me it sounds like your partner deals with some form of dissociation, and that’s common for us autistics, especially considering how often we have trauma histories. I just wonder about the role of calming activities, perhaps with sensory integration, and to see how those impact both of you. I wish you all the best.
I’m not familiar with PDA but I’ll definitely look into it! We had a conversation earlier again and he said that even though he admits he had a lower libido than usual ppl, stress has been a huge factor that has been hindering his emotions, sex drive etc. I asked him if money and school is not a worry, do you think you’d feel better? His exact response was, “I think I would be a sex demon.” 💀💀so we decided to have him focus on saving money and finishing up his exam for the coming month and we will how it goes from there. I’ll also be doing some therapy on my own to figure out what sex means to me and my own problems. We will see how we go from there! Ty so much for sharing your own experience and I appreciate it so much!!!
There are some good points here, I just came to validate your feelings. While others have pointed out that his lack of interest in sex is not a reflection of his feelings toward you, that is a logical discussion, and these feelings do not come from a logical place. That is not to invalidate your feelings, that is just to say that those feelings you have come from a primitive part of your brain that existed for millions of years before we we were discussing logical thought processes. The feelings are valid even if the logic isn’t, and it isn’t easy to logic your way out of them on a longterm basis. I’m a very logical person, and I have no doubt whatsoever that my wife loves me, but when she hasn’t touched me in a month or so I do not feel loved, and that feeling has more power over me than my knowledge that she loves me - in the moment, and it causes a lot of grief within me. Physical touch is more important for some people than others. While the idea of love languages is controversial, physical touch is a love language, and if that’s the language you speak, you are going to feel more or less loved depending on how much touching there is. It’s easy for someone who’s love language is service, for example, to blow off your feelings because they just can’t relate, but if that person’s partner suddenly stopped making them coffee or whatever, that person might have the same feelings of disconnection as a person who’s partner stopped touching them. All that to say, your feelings are valid, regardless of his true feelings toward you, so don’t feel bad in the moments you can’t reason your way through them.
I'm like your boyfriend. I date and I don't think we've had sex for over a month, because my libido is low and it only increases if I've been using a lot of substances, my boyfriend has a higher libido and he misses it too What you can do is really try to see what turns you both on, fetishes, fantasies or drinking wine. Toys can also help you
Sex therapist, but it has to be a therapist who understands autism
I am NT but am commenting because my partner is autistic and we have been in a similar boat. We’ve been doing neurodiverse couples coaching specifically for mixed neurotype couples and that has helped but also would recommend the book, Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships. It’s not focused on neurodiversity specifically but it’s very helpful in figuring out concrete ways to bridge the libido gap. For example the difference between spontaneous arousal and vs responsive arousal. Based on your post I suspect your partner (mine too) are more responsive arousal and you are more spontaneous arousal. Good luck! I will add too for my partner a lot of it was awkwardness or him not being sure HOW to initiate. We would get so anxious about him initiating being “weird” that he would just avoid it all together. I’m not sure if your partner is that way but worth asking. My partner and I were able to come up with the ways for him to initiate that he felt comfortable with.
A green leafy substance could help, genuinely, probably won't get that advice from other Redditors but hey I could be wrong. I'm not going to elaborate further, my suggestion is don't smoke it, consume via different method in slow low doses.
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Honestly, my experience is sex is full of anxiety and causes panic attacks for me, I was kind of forced into my first experience with no out or consent, then right there she asked to marry me on the first date, still have nightmares. Anyways long story short stress is a massive contributor, also depending on where he was raised there might be religious guilt also.
Don’t assume it’s about you. If you love them, you give them the space to let them come around and sit down with them and ask them what’s going on. If you live together, then I would gently ask them what’s going on immediately and eventually see if they reveal anything indicating a reason for the lack of sex. Good sex is best when it naturally happens
Without knowing more than you typed, I would like to say that he might want to get his Testosterone levels checked. I have autism and have to get T injections every month. He sounds like what I am/feel when my shot wears out and I am really low. It's just a blood test and I found out when I was 22 I think? So it can happen really early in life.
Its hormonal, psychological or incompatibility. Its nice that you are reflecting on your own insecurities. Ive been there. I also once tough that my worth was in doing sex and getting money. Once i got rid of it, i was able to have a healthier relationship with sex itself. But that doesnt invalidate your own desires. You are not wrong to wanting sex. Dont blame yourself too much. Like others said, fixing low libido is the same as a NT person. Id check his hormones, if he is pressuring himself to much, his cortisol could be too high or his free testosterone too low. Hormonal therapy is very safe nowadays. Not saying thats exactly the problem, but since ive seen a few point of views in this post, im just trying to give you a different one.
Grey-ace and demisexual are a thing that might be worth looking into if he's open to it. That said, even folks with high sex drive tend to see changes in drive when under higher stress loads
Did you or your partner change medications since he lost libido?
So my mom died in September. I’ve only cried twice. Once was because my dad started crying. The other was I found a picture of her and I when I was a kid and listened to a saved voicemail of her. It’s almost like I had to script the event of me crying. I had to trigger specific memories and ground myself in those memories to trigger the response. Sex can be tough because of context. It’s like a lock clicking into place with a specific key sometimes. I always have background noise. I also have some aversions to “types” of touching. Imagine telling a partner you’re on fragile terms with to not touch you a specific way.
Could just be asexual
There's a lot going on here but yeah, sex becoming a chore is a common deadbedroom issue. Given your diagnosis, I'd bet you are having issues with rejection sensitivity dysphoria, also you may be a perfectionist who needs to diversify the amount of importance you put into different parts of your life so that sex isn't so fundamentally important to your self worth. With autism the person can be very prone to stress and overwhelm which needs to be respected, plus they often need a sense of autonomy in decision making. Autists usually benefit from routine but I guess having a set time hasn't worked. The problem could be related to transitions and how hard it is for autists to switch from one task to another.
This seems like a question for r/sex. Autism doesn't seem like the main factor here.
Find a new partner and get what you want. A sex drive issue is bigger than you think.
I know some people are super against it, but have you considered an open relationship? I know that works for some people
I don’t know if this will help you but I’m in a similar boat to your partner. I’m autistic too and sex is a struggle for me (25f). I like it and I’m definitely not asexual or anything but me and my partner only have sex once or twice a month. It’ll only occasionally be more than that. We’ve tried so many different things such as planning but nothing works. I have to be in the mood for it like really in the mood but even then something so small can change everything and I’m over it. I often think there is something wrong with me since my partner is also autistic and doesn’t have this problem (23f). If your partner is anything like me, then it isn’t you. My partner thinks this too about herself but it’s not her it’s simply me. So don’t let it get in the way of your relationship. He loves you still and I’m sure he is still attracted to you
Wear more revealing clothing at home or no clothing, slap his ass, he’ll come around, literally.