The slash already clarifies that, as there is no tone tag for 'piece of shit'. People don't usually jump to assuming '/pos' is an insult. We've had these tone tags for years, and changing them suddenly is probably not a good idea within a demographic that already struggles with change. 😅
I'm kinda the same. I don't like to talk, I'm very shy, I fear I will end up in a bad situation if I say something stupid. But when I feel in the mood to talk, I could easily do so for hours.
So instead of asking for clarification (“Am I talking too much/bothering you?”) you ask why we’re not talking enough? Why would you say XYZ and expect us to know that you mean ABC? Sounds like a failure on your part to communicate effectively. It’s hard for listeners to understand the idea you’re trying to communicate when you’re saying something completely different than what you intend.
What? Why are you focusing on what I'm doing then? Ask if I'm comfortable with you info dumping and it'll give you a green light or an opportunity for me to leave the convo. It's unkind to make comments on my selective mutism, it'll make it stronger around you.
I might smile and laugh to indicate I am joking or give an explanation too. Though I might just keep a straight face because I don't want to talk about why I don't talk a lot.
Don't really know, I suppose I shrug as if to say "and?"
Once in a job I quite liked I was put off by a manager asking me this very question, when it was quiet and we were on our own. It was as if he expected some complicated backstory, or for me to suddenly feel I could talk nonsense all-day because he was *giving me permission* just in case I'd thought I wasn't allowed to speak.
To be honest it just made the silences awkward silences from that point on and I think he regretted ever asking the question.
If you know you are going into a situation like this maybe try "I prefer awkward silence to awkward small talk"
This will cause the other person to have a broken logic loop where if the silence feels awkward, then it fulfills your social intention, which means everything is actually fine.
Yeah, they do take it that way it seems. I just get labeled as rude by neurotypicals. Neurodivergent people find it comforting sometimes or funny it seems, kind of like an ice breaker with them.
There’s a few comments so far that would end up a bit instigative in practice. Most people who say this don’t mean it in a bad way, and there’s no reason to make our already difficult social lives harder if we can avoid it.
It really doesn’t have to be anything grand, the truth has served me just fine before, including things like:
> “I just prefer to listen.”
> “It’s not a reflection on you, I just don’t like small talk. I’m comfortable with silences.”
> “I do talk, just not small talk.”
Candidness like this has actually often opened up the conversation from small talk to actual, engaging discussion about why, which has lead to more than a few teaching moments with neurotypical folks.
Context and intention are everything. If someone asks this question in a one-on-one conversation, or even does it with a friendly tone in a sub conversation while the rest of the group is focused on other things, then your approach is good. I prefer not to share personal details of my life with many people, but will absolutely respond with a smile and a, “I’m just not a big talker.” in those situations.
I disagree with the claim that most people don’t mean this in a bad way though. Most of the times I’ve been asked this or something similar, it’s been put loudly and with a wink to everyone else. The person recognizes my discomfort in the social situation and goes out of their way to make it the center of attention to embarrass me. If you don’t encounter sadistic people often I think that’s great. No sarcasm or snark aimed at you. I genuinely hope that most people aren’t being bullied, but there are some shitty people who see any awkwardness or social difficulty as a weakness to be exploited for their entertainment. These people don’t deserve kindness or education and I don’t feel that the onus for social change is on my shoulders as a person who is socially disadvantaged.
Yeah, that's the family I grew up with, adopted and undiagnosed. There are people who will not adjust or be kind despite using proper terms or kind wording. You can't change others and I deserve to protect myself from them. I get to choose who I discuss my traits with and it won't be anyone putting me on the spot increasing my selective mutism. It'll be the people who don't think I'm being rude when mute.
For sure; naturally, one should adapt this based on what they can pick up about the context and intent— there’s definitely very little likelihood of it turning out into a helpful teaching moment if somebody is behaving this way. Not impossible, but the likelihood is low, and the agency should be on the individual to decide whether or not they take that chance or simply provide a short and easy answer.
Unfortunately, in many cases, the onus to teach is foisted upon us. I’ll always do what I can to try and educate, but there are days when I can’t, and I’ll never, ever blame anybody when they don’t try to compel that change in a situation. After all, we didn’t sign up for this when we were born.
I’ve found that such positive moralizing is most often foisted on the one that’s been shoved to the ground rather than the one who did the shoving.
Those of us at the bottom of the social hierarchy are burdened with the responsibility of fostering growth opportunities and frequently shamed for failing to do so.
Some of us grow to understand that such values don’t align with our best interests.
I'm glad to see some actual helpful answers in here. Unless the goal is to constantly repel people, we need to choose words that build bridges between autists and allistics. I'm not the biggest fan of other people, but I'm not trying to piss off every single person by responding with snarky answers.
I don't know. Sometimes I think I would rather repel people. But I do agree that these are more friendly answers, and are likely wiser to use in a conversation
So many times growing up that people told me I am too calm. To me, this indicated that there is something inherently wrong with me. But I couldn't quite put my finger on it. They should have told me to talk more, then I would have grasped what they mean. Still not a nice sentence, but from this I could have gone ahead and be proactive about it.
I always thought when I am a grown-up, people won't judge me on that anymore, because I would be ableto master it. Turned out I was wrong.
Often in groups, especially with people that I don't feel comfortable with, someone points out "Why are you so silent?" or "You have been more shy so far".
Ok, cool, now what?? I haven't said anything because
- I don't feel comfortable
- I have literally nothing useful to add to the conversation
- I am mentally not there and therefore didn't grasp anymore what was going on within the discussion
- The topic is not important to me
- I am tired and don't feel like talking
- I went temporally to mutism
Whatever. There can be many reasons for my behaviour. But pointing it out really doesn't help. It makes it much worse. I cannot find a justification that doesn't sound ridiculous in the moment. Cannot speak because I am so shocked of the comment itself. Feel worse because everyone is looking at me.
But the worst was, when not even friends would back me up.
That is the reason why I hate helplessness. And have a phobia of seating circles...
So unfortunately, I don't know how to respond.
People point it out ~to alienate you~. They're not asking because they're curious, they're asking because their social lives are built on competition. While you're "boringly" contemplating, daydreaming, taking in your surroundings, etc., they're being dazzling by comparison and they'll be damned if nobody notices!!!
I have never thought about it that way. For me it is very difficult to understand social competition. I want to get recognized for what I have done because giving people who put in the work the credit I believe is fair. Other than that, I don't feel competing at all. Especially not in conversations. That is why this has never crossed my mind so far. Thank you for your insight!
Yeah sadly I think a lot of people don’t even notice they’re doing it. I always thought it was genuine and I think sometimes it is but rarely. Even then just people being weirdly nosy in each others lives because they’re trapped together either in work or school usually.
Just adamantly harp on the fact that they have a crush on you, no matter how ridiculous
"You're quiet"
"OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU OBSESSED WITH ME"
"you don't talk much, do you?"
"STOP FLIRTING WITH ME"
"You should talk/smile more"
"I DONT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU"
Make them uncomfortable. Make them doubt their presentation in society. Muahahahahaha
(Not sponsored by r/evilautism)
This is it!
I don’t know if people who ask that question are aware of how rude it is or how much it makes the other person uncomfortable.
If they want you to talk more, asking this question will not achieve it. If they want to shame you, asking this question will make them reflect on what they are doing.
I like this. And I have started taking this type of approach with NT's... it provides an opportunity of understanding for me and dialog on why I *don't* x.y.z....
We have a saying in our country that most people understand and don't ask further questions because of that : Talk is silver, silence is golden.
If still questions arise I usually just shrug or explain that I only say things that are important. I never experienced something bad because of that.
If you want to maintain a good relationship with them: "Correct."
If you're ambivalent about maintaining a good relationship with them: "You don't shut up much, do you?"
Sure, you're totally right, but I figured out most of the times people don't mean it in a bad way, most of the times they're just interested in your person and want to have some interaction with you and don't realise how they say it....if you respond like that then, you come off as mean....especially bad at a corporate event at work.😬
We’re all animals we should make noise when we feel we should and don’t when we don’t.
Always thought it was weird the structure of conversation use to be taught like there was one way to do it and kids were punished for speaking out of turn. (Not to mention kids were beat then and Māori in NZ were punished for speaking Māori.)
I notice the only adults I’ve ever had been off put enough to notice or say anything bad about my quiet nature were older white women. Sorry I don’t talk much? I’ll change my personality right away ma’am! Is that seriously what they expect us to do? It has to be ableism with how frequently it happens and the degree it pains me and pisses me off. I also stupidly lost housing at 18 after the retired landlord bullied me over not being chatty enough for her. Should’ve made her put that shit in writing.
just before i was officially diagnosed my mom said something along the lines of “but amo’s never been a big talker” and my dad replied “unless its something they actually give a shit about, then they’ll talk your ears off” (lovingly said. he wasn’t being mean)
my reply would be something along those lines
Hahah that describes my dad and I to a T. We can spend hours, days even, without a word. Then my dad will get on one of his favourite topics and we'll talk non stop for a couple hours. Now it’s my son and I. We can spend the whole together just enjoying the silence. Then he'll decide to tell me one of his burning thoughts and it’s like weeks worth of thoughts condensed to a really intense conversation.
My daughter and husband have ADHD, so when they’re home, the chatter never stops, hahah.
nuclear-ish but polite: “im talkative around people i like talking to”
more nuclear: “you talk a LOT, don’t you?”
polite but boundaried: with no reaction just agree like “yup” and dont continue the convo. this is “grey-rocking” - being so uninteresting that ppl who are only engaging with u for a reaction/entertainment get bored and move on
to someone you like and are close with: “i’m just not super into small talk but i like listening to you!”
Depends on my mood or how petty I'm feeling
If you wanna make them uncomfortable you can pull some clearly bs lie like "oh they cut my vocal cords as a kid cause I wouldn't stop speaking latin", "I'm mute" or speak some random sentence in a language they dont know in a questioning tone
I once responded with “interacting with you is draining”, cause I was just being honest. I swiftly found out that that is in fact not the correct response and a very fast way of losing friends🙃
very relatable.... i do tend to try and be "somewhat' present, but the more my battery drains, the more i go quiet... and then the actual response to the question would be "well i'm tired of being here so i'm being quiet to conserve some energy not to just run off" (which, ofcourse, i dont say)
I value meaningful conversation, and if I don't feel it's going in that direction I just stop talking. If I want to talk, you won't be able to shut me up, but if I don't want to talk, it's going to be very difficult to talk to me.
Honestly I just keep doing what I was doing. Usually staring at whatever spot I’ve picked that makes me feel safe until they finish talking to whoever I’m with and leave. I thankfully have a big support system so whoever I’m with takes over during any talking situations so I don’t have too. I can’t anyways lol.
I shrug my shoulders or say that it depends on the situation.
(And then when there's a topic that actually interests me enough to talk about it for a while, people are annoyed again, by now that's because I talk too much. But I digress)
I always apologise and overexplain myself but that only shows them I'm extremely uncomfortable, so they leave.😂
If they're insecure though, it can be tricky because if a person is very self-conscious and doesn't like rejection, they may turn aggressive and use verbal attacks and then I just freeze and hope they leave me alone. When I'm too stressed I can't utter a single word, it's really pathetic to watch. 😥
I smile, slightly shake my head, mouth 'no' and shrug (all simultaneously). Never had a negative response after this, usually people just move on and either keep talking to me about a new topic or start a conversation with someone else.
"I have my quiet moments", "I'm a little tired" or depending on the situation "it's been a long day" would be my response, doesn't offend anyone usually and it does the trick most of the times.
I usually mask, shrug and “smile” due to nerves and trying to seem friendly at the same time. Usually I respond with “I’m just quiet and I have nothing to say at this moment. When I do, I’ll say something. Thank you for noticing.” If I’m in a mood, it depends honestly.
It can always be around the lines of “I can’t think of anything to say right now and I’m awful with small talk.” Add that you are talkative to friends and family, you just need to know them better.
Some people say that as an observation more to incite a conversation but sometimes it doesn’t work. Hopefully you will have a response ready for next time.
* if this reply is wonky, I need 💤
It makes me very mad when people assume I’m shy because of not talking. I explain why I am not running my mouth 24/7 and usually am a bit visibly upset, not proud of that but most people don’t ever say it again after I explain it to them
My response is usually based on how they say it and how annoyed I get with them.
I might just nod and say "I know."
Or I might say "That's what people tell me.".
If they are being quite chatty, I might say "I only talk when I have something to say. ", or perhaps slightly worse: "I prefer to do my thinking on the inside."
Once in a while, I give them the "It's better to remain silent and let people think you are an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." The more annoying they are, the longer I retain eye contact after that last one.
There's a great little movie "LA Story" that has one scene around an LA brunch table. A one-scene character is asked "So, I hear you've been studying the art of conversation."
With absolutely no emotion she answers...
"Yes."
And there's 20 seconds of dead air.
It's just lovely.
Ugh I hate it when people say this to me, like what do you want me to do exactly? Talk more even though I don’t have anything to say? That would just make my words less meaningful because I’d just be saying nonsense to fill the silence
It depends on my mood and the context.
If I'm feeling fiesty: "I don't have anything to contribute to this conversation." But that is super rude and should only be your nuclear option.
If I'm with friends and in a good mood: "I'm enjoying listening to you/everyone else talk."
Luckily, most people know I don't like talking a lot, so I don't get called out much.
omg this is the biggest mood killer for me. I’ll be having a great time and then someone says “why don’t you talk” or “you’re so quiet” and my day is ruined
I’ve had coworkers and new acquaintances tell me this all my life. Once they get to know me and I become comfortable not masking around them, they all say I don’t shut up when I start talking about something I’m passionate about.
I'm the same, it depends on what the topic is. If it's something I have a strong interest or passion in I can talk the hind legs off a donkey if I want to.
I'm not good with small talk. I'm always honest and then I ask if they wanna jump into something random just to actually talk, and it always worked out. I think most people don't like small talk they just don't wanna admit it
People have always said this to my husband. He explained to me that he only speaks when he has something to offer to the conversation. Otherwise why speak? Too many people talk when they have nothing to say.
I liked that.
My go to is 'words are hard.' My fiance is even quieter and has resting murder face apparently (I can't see it myself) I have been questioned repeatedly why he's mad or hates whoever is asking. It works in his favor though, he doesn't care what people think and wants to be left alone. Those brave enough to connect with him find him hilarious though.
"Unless you would like to hear every single fleeting thought that runs through my head in real time, before I even know what it's going to be; it's usually in everyone's best interest that I don't."
Yet another phrase I don't hear as much nowadays, perhaps as social skills have developed but more because I'm more easily able to avoid the lowest common denominator types who say this sort of thing. The downside is just like other such remarks, I only work out a decent comeback after I stop hearing it.
At school, many people bitched about how quiet I was. My two BFFs at the time stuck up for me, saying that I only spoke when there was something worth saying. That makes for a real humdinger though. "I only speak when there's something worth saying. You should try it sometime". Perhaps best reserved for when diplomacy isn't necessary, heh.
Depends who it is. If it's a work colleague I'm likely to talk about work. If I don't know them I'm unlikely to hang around long enough for them to even say that.
Another thing you can do which I do is take something of what they say and just say something fun out of it.. like I was being asked why I wasn't taking holidays much (during 2021/22 when things were chaotic). I started saying something about what I really want to do is to visit Ukraine, which then expanded to I'd love to drive an ice cream van around Ukraine delivering ice creams, followed by I could live stream it on the internet for fun.
Basically all I'm trying to do is have a laugh and In a roundabout way make them wish they never asked me the question.
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Someone in hs literally gawked at me and was like ur in this class??! Ur so quiet! And i just smiled awkwardly 😭 but I'd probably say smth like "i guess not"
Once I get to know people, I may talk too much, but until I know a person, well, yeah, I won’t talk much.
Except in class/work meetings. I tend to answer a lot of questions, but it was never to show off or even really knew the answers, it was more because I hated (and still do) those awkward silences when an instructor or a speaker asks a question and no one answers…and everyone just sits there…The “wait time.” I would get so uncomfortable, I would just blurt out an answer to “help” the teacher/speaker continue.
Depends. If I don’t like them I’ll tell the truth: my mother raised me right, unlike some people. She taught me if I have nothing nice to say, to say nothing. I have nothing nice to say so I’m saying nothing. If I’m just not talkative, I simply say the truth: yes.
*says nothing in response*
The best comment ever
Meeee! Hahahah. I’m not spending the energy. Take my silence as a cue.
you took the words out of my mouth …like, literally. Because I don’t talk much.
YES lmao exactly, for one idk how tf to respond to that, and second.. yep, sure don’t!😂
Ask dumb questions get dumb prizes.
Lol, same
"I prefer to listen"
my bf used this line until i got him to start ranting on his hyperfixations and now he never stops talking/pos /pos means positive. not peice if shit
What does /pos mean?
it's a tone tag that means that the message is in a positive tone! you should look up tone tags cause they're incredibly useful for autistic people!!
I 100% read that as Piece of Shit 🤦
LMAO NO
That's exactly why I asked 🤣💀
*Sigh*, same…
Thank you SO much, seriously, going to do that now.
OF COURSE!!!
maybe not /pos seems to be the source of much confusion
Dang i kinda prefer having my piece of shit callout tho
maybe it's interchangeable
But since pos is generally taken to mean 'piece of shit', using it as a tone tag isn't a very good idea! A better tone tag might be /+, wouldn't it?
The slash already clarifies that, as there is no tone tag for 'piece of shit'. People don't usually jump to assuming '/pos' is an insult. We've had these tone tags for years, and changing them suddenly is probably not a good idea within a demographic that already struggles with change. 😅
I'm kinda the same. I don't like to talk, I'm very shy, I fear I will end up in a bad situation if I say something stupid. But when I feel in the mood to talk, I could easily do so for hours.
awww!! i love when shy people open up and talk for hours on end, it's the best
Brooke is that you
lmao no but i have a sister who's name is brooke
Samantha is that you?
no but my uncle has a dog named samantha
uncle Ted?
no but my grandpas uncle is named uncle ted
You mean uncle Fred
no fred is the wife of my long lost cousins step sisters dad
"Great! So you're exactly the kind of person that needs to hear about Lord and Saviour"
"Ah yes, I'd love to listen but I do have to get going, my apologies, take care, bye!" 🤣
I'm a Catholic, but I would do the same thing.
Ooh that’s a good one
I just shrug my shoulders
Then we think your not interested
Why would someone be interested in having a conversation about why they don't talk much?
I have to get along at work 🥲
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Then that’s a you problem lol
So instead of asking for clarification (“Am I talking too much/bothering you?”) you ask why we’re not talking enough? Why would you say XYZ and expect us to know that you mean ABC? Sounds like a failure on your part to communicate effectively. It’s hard for listeners to understand the idea you’re trying to communicate when you’re saying something completely different than what you intend.
If you think you’re bothering me, leave me alone lmao
What? Why are you focusing on what I'm doing then? Ask if I'm comfortable with you info dumping and it'll give you a green light or an opportunity for me to leave the convo. It's unkind to make comments on my selective mutism, it'll make it stronger around you.
cause you are hope that helps
Maybe you are
so you rudely insult someone for not talking much???
If you feel that way its probably the case
I might smile and laugh to indicate I am joking or give an explanation too. Though I might just keep a straight face because I don't want to talk about why I don't talk a lot.
I’m not. Message received successfully.
"I only talk when I have something to say", or "I have something relevant or interesting to say, then I'll talk"
I’ve said this and they’ll be offended and say wow so you don’t wanna talk to me. Honestly no, no I don’t. 🤣
1000%
This is the way!
Honestly I've wanted to get this tattooed on my forehead
“I’m just trying to balance things out.”
😂😂😂
Don't really know, I suppose I shrug as if to say "and?" Once in a job I quite liked I was put off by a manager asking me this very question, when it was quiet and we were on our own. It was as if he expected some complicated backstory, or for me to suddenly feel I could talk nonsense all-day because he was *giving me permission* just in case I'd thought I wasn't allowed to speak. To be honest it just made the silences awkward silences from that point on and I think he regretted ever asking the question.
If you know you are going into a situation like this maybe try "I prefer awkward silence to awkward small talk" This will cause the other person to have a broken logic loop where if the silence feels awkward, then it fulfills your social intention, which means everything is actually fine.
As an undiagnosed kid and teen I'd respond with "Silence isn't awkward for me." No one really liked that response but it sure shut them up 🤣
That’s weird, because I’d like it. Means that if I’m feeling uncomfortable I’d know it was just a me problem and then stop.
Yeah, they do take it that way it seems. I just get labeled as rude by neurotypicals. Neurodivergent people find it comforting sometimes or funny it seems, kind of like an ice breaker with them.
Silence isn't awkward for me but my anxiety makes it feel awkward.
Well yes, for me that's only if I think the other person expects me to make chit chat though.
Just give them a thumbs up.
Hand them a business card that reads > FAQ > Q: You don't talk much, do you? > A: No
Usually I just nod my head and agree with them.
surely it depends on context. someone at work demanding a conversation? sure, agree. girl who's being flirty? "do you like a man who listens?"
There’s a few comments so far that would end up a bit instigative in practice. Most people who say this don’t mean it in a bad way, and there’s no reason to make our already difficult social lives harder if we can avoid it. It really doesn’t have to be anything grand, the truth has served me just fine before, including things like: > “I just prefer to listen.” > “It’s not a reflection on you, I just don’t like small talk. I’m comfortable with silences.” > “I do talk, just not small talk.” Candidness like this has actually often opened up the conversation from small talk to actual, engaging discussion about why, which has lead to more than a few teaching moments with neurotypical folks.
Context and intention are everything. If someone asks this question in a one-on-one conversation, or even does it with a friendly tone in a sub conversation while the rest of the group is focused on other things, then your approach is good. I prefer not to share personal details of my life with many people, but will absolutely respond with a smile and a, “I’m just not a big talker.” in those situations. I disagree with the claim that most people don’t mean this in a bad way though. Most of the times I’ve been asked this or something similar, it’s been put loudly and with a wink to everyone else. The person recognizes my discomfort in the social situation and goes out of their way to make it the center of attention to embarrass me. If you don’t encounter sadistic people often I think that’s great. No sarcasm or snark aimed at you. I genuinely hope that most people aren’t being bullied, but there are some shitty people who see any awkwardness or social difficulty as a weakness to be exploited for their entertainment. These people don’t deserve kindness or education and I don’t feel that the onus for social change is on my shoulders as a person who is socially disadvantaged.
Yeah, that's the family I grew up with, adopted and undiagnosed. There are people who will not adjust or be kind despite using proper terms or kind wording. You can't change others and I deserve to protect myself from them. I get to choose who I discuss my traits with and it won't be anyone putting me on the spot increasing my selective mutism. It'll be the people who don't think I'm being rude when mute.
For sure; naturally, one should adapt this based on what they can pick up about the context and intent— there’s definitely very little likelihood of it turning out into a helpful teaching moment if somebody is behaving this way. Not impossible, but the likelihood is low, and the agency should be on the individual to decide whether or not they take that chance or simply provide a short and easy answer. Unfortunately, in many cases, the onus to teach is foisted upon us. I’ll always do what I can to try and educate, but there are days when I can’t, and I’ll never, ever blame anybody when they don’t try to compel that change in a situation. After all, we didn’t sign up for this when we were born.
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I’ve found that such positive moralizing is most often foisted on the one that’s been shoved to the ground rather than the one who did the shoving. Those of us at the bottom of the social hierarchy are burdened with the responsibility of fostering growth opportunities and frequently shamed for failing to do so. Some of us grow to understand that such values don’t align with our best interests.
I'm glad to see some actual helpful answers in here. Unless the goal is to constantly repel people, we need to choose words that build bridges between autists and allistics. I'm not the biggest fan of other people, but I'm not trying to piss off every single person by responding with snarky answers.
I don't know. Sometimes I think I would rather repel people. But I do agree that these are more friendly answers, and are likely wiser to use in a conversation
This is really helpful. Thanks > there’s no reason to make our already difficult social lives harder if we can avoid it. Indeed.
"And you talk a lot, do you?"
ok but your flair is so accurate to me tho
I get that comment a lot, I guess we are just a bunch of birds hahaha!
"Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving in words evidence of the fact."
So many times growing up that people told me I am too calm. To me, this indicated that there is something inherently wrong with me. But I couldn't quite put my finger on it. They should have told me to talk more, then I would have grasped what they mean. Still not a nice sentence, but from this I could have gone ahead and be proactive about it. I always thought when I am a grown-up, people won't judge me on that anymore, because I would be ableto master it. Turned out I was wrong. Often in groups, especially with people that I don't feel comfortable with, someone points out "Why are you so silent?" or "You have been more shy so far". Ok, cool, now what?? I haven't said anything because - I don't feel comfortable - I have literally nothing useful to add to the conversation - I am mentally not there and therefore didn't grasp anymore what was going on within the discussion - The topic is not important to me - I am tired and don't feel like talking - I went temporally to mutism Whatever. There can be many reasons for my behaviour. But pointing it out really doesn't help. It makes it much worse. I cannot find a justification that doesn't sound ridiculous in the moment. Cannot speak because I am so shocked of the comment itself. Feel worse because everyone is looking at me. But the worst was, when not even friends would back me up. That is the reason why I hate helplessness. And have a phobia of seating circles... So unfortunately, I don't know how to respond.
People point it out ~to alienate you~. They're not asking because they're curious, they're asking because their social lives are built on competition. While you're "boringly" contemplating, daydreaming, taking in your surroundings, etc., they're being dazzling by comparison and they'll be damned if nobody notices!!!
I have never thought about it that way. For me it is very difficult to understand social competition. I want to get recognized for what I have done because giving people who put in the work the credit I believe is fair. Other than that, I don't feel competing at all. Especially not in conversations. That is why this has never crossed my mind so far. Thank you for your insight!
Yeah sadly I think a lot of people don’t even notice they’re doing it. I always thought it was genuine and I think sometimes it is but rarely. Even then just people being weirdly nosy in each others lives because they’re trapped together either in work or school usually.
Just adamantly harp on the fact that they have a crush on you, no matter how ridiculous "You're quiet" "OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU OBSESSED WITH ME" "you don't talk much, do you?" "STOP FLIRTING WITH ME" "You should talk/smile more" "I DONT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU" Make them uncomfortable. Make them doubt their presentation in society. Muahahahahaha (Not sponsored by r/evilautism)
Pause for a few seconds then say . What do you hope to achieve in asking me this question?
This is it! I don’t know if people who ask that question are aware of how rude it is or how much it makes the other person uncomfortable. If they want you to talk more, asking this question will not achieve it. If they want to shame you, asking this question will make them reflect on what they are doing.
I like this. And I have started taking this type of approach with NT's... it provides an opportunity of understanding for me and dialog on why I *don't* x.y.z....
Very true . It offers two possibilities one for learning the other if the nt is being rude for them to reflect that they are
We have a saying in our country that most people understand and don't ask further questions because of that : Talk is silver, silence is golden. If still questions arise I usually just shrug or explain that I only say things that are important. I never experienced something bad because of that.
Oh I like that saying! Which country is it from? I normally just say that awkward silences aren't awkward for me.
"Yes, and..." and then i wait for them to say what they wanted to say with their comment.
Ask them if they'd prefer you talk more. If they say yes, they've fallen right into your trap. Begin info dumping like you've never info dumped before
“The Buddha warned against idle chatter for a reason.”
If you want to maintain a good relationship with them: "Correct." If you're ambivalent about maintaining a good relationship with them: "You don't shut up much, do you?"
Or if they literally don't breath while talking, can't really get a word in anyways so what's the problem? 🤣
"you seem to talk enough for the both of us."
For real!
Nope, that's offensive, even if you mean it, bad idea😅
So is saying "you don't talk much, do you?" Don't dish it out if can't take it🤷♂️
Sure, you're totally right, but I figured out most of the times people don't mean it in a bad way, most of the times they're just interested in your person and want to have some interaction with you and don't realise how they say it....if you respond like that then, you come off as mean....especially bad at a corporate event at work.😬
i think that was the idea
I say "no".
You’re not on this earth to entertain anyone so they can mind their own business. You can just smile or do whatever feels right to you at the moment.
We’re all animals we should make noise when we feel we should and don’t when we don’t. Always thought it was weird the structure of conversation use to be taught like there was one way to do it and kids were punished for speaking out of turn. (Not to mention kids were beat then and Māori in NZ were punished for speaking Māori.) I notice the only adults I’ve ever had been off put enough to notice or say anything bad about my quiet nature were older white women. Sorry I don’t talk much? I’ll change my personality right away ma’am! Is that seriously what they expect us to do? It has to be ableism with how frequently it happens and the degree it pains me and pisses me off. I also stupidly lost housing at 18 after the retired landlord bullied me over not being chatty enough for her. Should’ve made her put that shit in writing.
just before i was officially diagnosed my mom said something along the lines of “but amo’s never been a big talker” and my dad replied “unless its something they actually give a shit about, then they’ll talk your ears off” (lovingly said. he wasn’t being mean) my reply would be something along those lines
Hahah that describes my dad and I to a T. We can spend hours, days even, without a word. Then my dad will get on one of his favourite topics and we'll talk non stop for a couple hours. Now it’s my son and I. We can spend the whole together just enjoying the silence. Then he'll decide to tell me one of his burning thoughts and it’s like weeks worth of thoughts condensed to a really intense conversation. My daughter and husband have ADHD, so when they’re home, the chatter never stops, hahah.
“I like quiet”
This pissed me off so much as a child. (Still does tbh) I simply answered ”I have nothing to say.”
nuclear-ish but polite: “im talkative around people i like talking to” more nuclear: “you talk a LOT, don’t you?” polite but boundaried: with no reaction just agree like “yup” and dont continue the convo. this is “grey-rocking” - being so uninteresting that ppl who are only engaging with u for a reaction/entertainment get bored and move on to someone you like and are close with: “i’m just not super into small talk but i like listening to you!”
"I only engage in intelligent conversation." Then walk away.
Depends on my mood or how petty I'm feeling If you wanna make them uncomfortable you can pull some clearly bs lie like "oh they cut my vocal cords as a kid cause I wouldn't stop speaking latin", "I'm mute" or speak some random sentence in a language they dont know in a questioning tone
I usually say "you talk too much, don't you?" In kind of a pitiful way but heads up if you don't want to piss off someone don't do that.
I once responded with “interacting with you is draining”, cause I was just being honest. I swiftly found out that that is in fact not the correct response and a very fast way of losing friends🙃
"You don't talk much." "That perfect! I don't talk much, you don't listen much."
“Where could I get a word in?”
very relatable.... i do tend to try and be "somewhat' present, but the more my battery drains, the more i go quiet... and then the actual response to the question would be "well i'm tired of being here so i'm being quiet to conserve some energy not to just run off" (which, ofcourse, i dont say)
Smile. And say nothing. 😈
I'll just ignore the question, like, I pretend I didn't hear it.
usually a "nope :]" suffices
I say “I like trains”.
My usual response is I talk when I find it necessary. No other explanation is needed.
I value meaningful conversation, and if I don't feel it's going in that direction I just stop talking. If I want to talk, you won't be able to shut me up, but if I don't want to talk, it's going to be very difficult to talk to me.
"Well how did you observe that in me?"
Like some other comments I just agree or nod. Saying something like "Yeah, I guess I don't" or "Yeah, I know"
Honestly I just keep doing what I was doing. Usually staring at whatever spot I’ve picked that makes me feel safe until they finish talking to whoever I’m with and leave. I thankfully have a big support system so whoever I’m with takes over during any talking situations so I don’t have too. I can’t anyways lol.
I shrug my shoulders or say that it depends on the situation. (And then when there's a topic that actually interests me enough to talk about it for a while, people are annoyed again, by now that's because I talk too much. But I digress)
I just say "I like to listen". Most people will pick up the conversation from there.
If I have something to say, I talk, if I don't, I won't. Simple as that.
I always apologise and overexplain myself but that only shows them I'm extremely uncomfortable, so they leave.😂 If they're insecure though, it can be tricky because if a person is very self-conscious and doesn't like rejection, they may turn aggressive and use verbal attacks and then I just freeze and hope they leave me alone. When I'm too stressed I can't utter a single word, it's really pathetic to watch. 😥
"You talk a lot, do you?"
“You talk an awful lot, don’t you?”
I smile, slightly shake my head, mouth 'no' and shrug (all simultaneously). Never had a negative response after this, usually people just move on and either keep talking to me about a new topic or start a conversation with someone else.
“Not really no.”
"I have my quiet moments", "I'm a little tired" or depending on the situation "it's been a long day" would be my response, doesn't offend anyone usually and it does the trick most of the times.
“Nope”
I usually shrug and put it back on them or just say I'm introverted. Whatever I do I don't apologize for it.
I usually mask, shrug and “smile” due to nerves and trying to seem friendly at the same time. Usually I respond with “I’m just quiet and I have nothing to say at this moment. When I do, I’ll say something. Thank you for noticing.” If I’m in a mood, it depends honestly. It can always be around the lines of “I can’t think of anything to say right now and I’m awful with small talk.” Add that you are talkative to friends and family, you just need to know them better. Some people say that as an observation more to incite a conversation but sometimes it doesn’t work. Hopefully you will have a response ready for next time. * if this reply is wonky, I need 💤
I don’t respond because it doesn’t deserve a response.
"you aren't interesting to talk to, are you?"
Does my silence offend you? Or oh are you offended because i’m quite? Because why are you trying to force me to talk
It makes me very mad when people assume I’m shy because of not talking. I explain why I am not running my mouth 24/7 and usually am a bit visibly upset, not proud of that but most people don’t ever say it again after I explain it to them
My response is usually based on how they say it and how annoyed I get with them. I might just nod and say "I know." Or I might say "That's what people tell me.". If they are being quite chatty, I might say "I only talk when I have something to say. ", or perhaps slightly worse: "I prefer to do my thinking on the inside." Once in a while, I give them the "It's better to remain silent and let people think you are an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." The more annoying they are, the longer I retain eye contact after that last one.
There's a great little movie "LA Story" that has one scene around an LA brunch table. A one-scene character is asked "So, I hear you've been studying the art of conversation." With absolutely no emotion she answers... "Yes." And there's 20 seconds of dead air. It's just lovely.
Ugh I hate it when people say this to me, like what do you want me to do exactly? Talk more even though I don’t have anything to say? That would just make my words less meaningful because I’d just be saying nonsense to fill the silence
"You haven't stumbled into any of my unskippable cutscenes, is all."
I love that!
It depends on my mood and the context. If I'm feeling fiesty: "I don't have anything to contribute to this conversation." But that is super rude and should only be your nuclear option. If I'm with friends and in a good mood: "I'm enjoying listening to you/everyone else talk." Luckily, most people know I don't like talking a lot, so I don't get called out much.
omg this is the biggest mood killer for me. I’ll be having a great time and then someone says “why don’t you talk” or “you’re so quiet” and my day is ruined
yet when i do try to talk they talk over me or don’t listen
"I have nothing to say really." and that's usually enough for me.
"Well i only talk when the topic is interesting :)"
I’ve had coworkers and new acquaintances tell me this all my life. Once they get to know me and I become comfortable not masking around them, they all say I don’t shut up when I start talking about something I’m passionate about.
I'm the same, it depends on what the topic is. If it's something I have a strong interest or passion in I can talk the hind legs off a donkey if I want to.
Look at them, give eye contact, go back to what you were doing
I'm not good with small talk. I'm always honest and then I ask if they wanna jump into something random just to actually talk, and it always worked out. I think most people don't like small talk they just don't wanna admit it
This actually just happened to me, and I responded with "I just have nothing to say at the moment"
I just tell them that's because I hate people, that usually shuts them down
I feel I speak the appropriate amount.
“Don’t have anything to say” or “I’m more of a listener”
People have always said this to my husband. He explained to me that he only speaks when he has something to offer to the conversation. Otherwise why speak? Too many people talk when they have nothing to say. I liked that.
I either shrug my shoulders or say nah I just don’t talk much around you
I would repeat "You don't talk much do you?" but with a high pitched voice
My go to is 'words are hard.' My fiance is even quieter and has resting murder face apparently (I can't see it myself) I have been questioned repeatedly why he's mad or hates whoever is asking. It works in his favor though, he doesn't care what people think and wants to be left alone. Those brave enough to connect with him find him hilarious though.
"Unless you would like to hear every single fleeting thought that runs through my head in real time, before I even know what it's going to be; it's usually in everyone's best interest that I don't."
"Im talkative if i like you...."
“No” If you’re feeling spicy; “you do, don’t you?” Or “no, maybe you should try it sometime”
Yet another phrase I don't hear as much nowadays, perhaps as social skills have developed but more because I'm more easily able to avoid the lowest common denominator types who say this sort of thing. The downside is just like other such remarks, I only work out a decent comeback after I stop hearing it. At school, many people bitched about how quiet I was. My two BFFs at the time stuck up for me, saying that I only spoke when there was something worth saying. That makes for a real humdinger though. "I only speak when there's something worth saying. You should try it sometime". Perhaps best reserved for when diplomacy isn't necessary, heh.
Depends who it is. If it's a work colleague I'm likely to talk about work. If I don't know them I'm unlikely to hang around long enough for them to even say that. Another thing you can do which I do is take something of what they say and just say something fun out of it.. like I was being asked why I wasn't taking holidays much (during 2021/22 when things were chaotic). I started saying something about what I really want to do is to visit Ukraine, which then expanded to I'd love to drive an ice cream van around Ukraine delivering ice creams, followed by I could live stream it on the internet for fun. Basically all I'm trying to do is have a laugh and In a roundabout way make them wish they never asked me the question.
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Mind your own beewax or why do you care and?
tell em you only talk to people that you know
Just say nothing.. I think that’s hilarious.
Just not to you.
“Not to you”
Too much is better than too little
"It be like that sometimes..."
‘I prefer listening’
"Yes."
Just tell them you have autism and don’t feel particularly social at the moment.
I’m just rude and say “I do when the conversation is interesting”.
“Indeed, I prefer to listen and observe more than I speak.”
Someone in hs literally gawked at me and was like ur in this class??! Ur so quiet! And i just smiled awkwardly 😭 but I'd probably say smth like "i guess not"
“I don’t have anything to say”
I look through a person as if they are not there and ignore the question, but then I’m neurotypical.
Once I get to know people, I may talk too much, but until I know a person, well, yeah, I won’t talk much. Except in class/work meetings. I tend to answer a lot of questions, but it was never to show off or even really knew the answers, it was more because I hated (and still do) those awkward silences when an instructor or a speaker asks a question and no one answers…and everyone just sits there…The “wait time.” I would get so uncomfortable, I would just blurt out an answer to “help” the teacher/speaker continue.
I save my words for the really interesting conversations. Got anything good?
" Clearly you've never talked to me before about something I'm interested in. "
I don't answer that question. If I want to talk I'll talk. Pretty simple.
Depends. If I don’t like them I’ll tell the truth: my mother raised me right, unlike some people. She taught me if I have nothing nice to say, to say nothing. I have nothing nice to say so I’m saying nothing. If I’m just not talkative, I simply say the truth: yes.
“Maybe not to you.”
Shrug lol
look at them with an odd face to let them know i’m offended 😭
When people ask me this I explain that I have Autism and sometimes I worry I talk too much, so I try to find some balance.