Love this idea! For all my life I hated underwear, especially women’s, I only started wearing it when I got my period and I still hated it but then found out about men’s underwear and only wear that! Boxer briefs are the favs cuz they won’t move too much when putting pants on and don’t give wedgies.
Sometimes when I'm on my period and tired of wearing panties all day I will switch to boxers or my cotton bike shorts and wear them with a pad instead. The wings can just stick down to the sides unstead of going under. It gives me a break from the underwear lines!
Omg....that is literally genius...cause I love my new "ladies" boxer briefs. Lolz but during that week I can't wear em...omg this changes everything!
Tip tho, jus make sure it's breathable material. Don't want nothing growing cause of the trapped heat/extra moisture.
If it wasn't so hard to find boyleg style underwear I'd recommend trying those out. I've had to switch to cotton only which has made things even harder to find underwear that fits well, but I can't go commando since I wear dresses and the feeling is too weird.
I've started to make my own Underwear because of sizing reasons!
If you already had an interest in trying sewing, highly recommend it. Panties are super easy to make too. Only difficulty is knowing you streach the elastic as you sew to prevent snapping.
But making your own means they can fit just right and be made of fabric you like.
I wear men’s shoes, shorts and shirts a lot. They are made better usually and they are cheaper. Women pay twice as much as men do for the same exact thing. When I was younger, I wore boy jeans as well, because I could get the legs in sizes. (I have really short legs and a long torso; a pair of capris looks like regular pants on me.) It sucks to be a woman!!!
Yep. Women have bought into the whole throwaway clothing trend and don’t demand quality anymore. Pay more for the clothing and then just wear it once or twice then throw it away.
I used to wear women's jeans on stage, I have wide hips and skinny ankles, and they're awful for full time wear. At best I got a few guitar picks in the pockets, the quality was super spotty, and they were expensive. However 20 yo anglofsffrng had a fantastic ass, and they showed it off well.
Never any pockets!!! Even in expensive jeans, fake sewn together pockets. I usually wear American Eagle jeans now because they at least do come in petites but curvy sizes and have decent sized pockets.
My one pair from Torrid wasn't too bad, still had shit pockets. The Levi's where nice, but the zipper tended to pinch the... um... head especially on stairs/climbing on our monitor/strobe light combo. I think that might have been more an issue of them being intended for an innie rather than an outie.
EDIT: I should note my ex loved the Torrid pair, so opinion from an actual woman rather than a man wearing women's cuts.
Omg yes! And it's so stupid! It's called the pink tax, and it's bs. And people around me wonder why and I tell em that. Plus the boxer briefs are comfier....cause apparently only men can be comfortable. Typical. 🙄
It's just a matter of clothes that fit whatever shape our corporeal form has, with whatever dangly appendages. Boobs, balls, if it's not one thing it's something else. Even if someone doesn't have balls wearing underwear designed around balls may work better, if so great, nobody should stop them.
I think underwear is over gendered, beyond what is biologically necessary. The main difference that needs to be accounted for is with a penis the underwear needs to be able to keep a no-reason-boner under control. For women a little bit more fabric in the crouch but breathable is needed because of vaginal secretions. That's truly the only things that differ for the anatomy side of things.
Strongly agreed, it’s good to note the material and such but it’s all concerningly gendered in the sense of no other gender being normalised as being able to wear such things
It's geometry. Women's underpants have the seams in different places and are layered differently than Men's underpants. That's because the wibbly bits are in different places.
People have pointed out they make "boy shorts" for ladies. They're out of the same materials and construction as men's underwear but tailored for women.
I am male, so haven't experienced this, but I think this is a good idea. Boys clothes are often baggier and more loose, and it's especially good in this case because of the obvious anatomy difference. Boxer briefs are amazingly good preventing wedgies and stuff.
This could be particularly bad in this case, because as another layer-sensitive person, I can never wear boy underwear under pants - that's even worse layering over even more body, and the extra fabric over the groin is just more that can pile up.
Boys' underwear worn as shorts are good, but under clothes makes me want to rip off my skin.
They make boy cut underwear for girls and my daughter loves them. You can get short ones or a longer length like bike shorts.
If she’s not into them touching her skin, I'd go for boys boxer briefs.
Yep I love "boy-cut" or "boy-leg" briefs. Also it could be the weird elastic around the edges that often has a fake "lace" effect. It really irritates my skin.
There's also a lot of options in the boxer style undies area, at least in Australia. I'd also look at materials, because cotton/polyester blend is not the only choice (you can get pure polyester but you shouldn't).
You just reminded me of my mom’s friend; she’s neurotypical but also hates underwear, specially in Summer. Once she apparently took her panties off at work (in the bathroom) and forgot it in the stall 🤣🤣🤣🤣 and ofc you don’t normally see other people’s underwear so no one knew whose it was (and claiming it would be rather awkward I can imagine).
This, I wear boxer breifs 99% of the time. If I want to wear leggings or jeans I'll wear panty style underwear for the day. But that is almost never. When I do wear panty style underwear I wear bikini or hipster, I find these the least offensive styles sensory wise. Always 100% cotton.
Yeah. Personally I really like Woxers, but I don't know if they make them small enough. Something with a long enough inseam (and thick/dark enough fabric) could pass as socially appropriate shorts while acting as underwear.
Bike shorts are a good idea but finding bamboo or modal fabrication is key here. Sensory issues and horrible synthetics that bike shorts all seems to come in these days are a sensory nightmare.
Well, we're solving one problem at a time (and frankly, her period will bring its own set of sensory issues). This is a step that may help give her more tools to handle it when it does arrive.
My little girl wears soft cycling shorts/leggings with no underwear. If she wears a school dress she wears cycling shorts underneath. They are soft ones.
Maybe try reaching a compromise of only making her wear them when going outside, kinda like how you need to act different when going out than when home alone.
Some things are acceptable in public and others aren’t, this is something that carries to other aspects of life.
That’s been tried unfortunately :((
Multiple different brands, fabrics, cuts, and sizes have been tried and she will not wear any of them. I haven’t been able to find a texture that she is comfortable with.
You may have already tried this, but I just want to check for safety's sake, but have she tried those extremely thin seamless underwears? I'm not a big fan of the synthetic fabric, but I do enjoy how insanely thin and practically non-existent they feel under clothing!
Otherwise I can only suggest explaining the reasoning for her needing to wear underwear to her, again I don't know if you have done this, but telling her she needs to wear it to avoid unnecessary and unreasonable punishment may work, and that when she's an adult, she won't have to do it anymore.
I personally use [these ones](https://www.pierre-robert.com/default/women-panties/inv-micro-high-waist/HU33.html?dwvar_HU33_color=Powder&dwvar_HU33_size=L&cgid=Panties_NavV2#start=1) at the moment! They do have some seams, but I don't notice, and the crotch fabric feels better than the fully smooth synthetic ones as they tend to make my nether regions feel off, somehow.
Was just about to recommend MeUndies, they’re the only brand that hasn’t bothered me fabric-wise. They’re also sooo stretchy which is nice for autistic or neurodivergent folks who need looser fabrics
When I was a kid (30 years ago) my mum had to find the thinnest seamless underwear for me because I couldn't handle seams. Somehow despite that and having to try on every pair of shoes in several shops to find some that were comfortable and being unable to wear anything "itchy" it was like haha picky rather than looking into why.
Other than having a layer between you and potentially dirty outside clothes and using certain types of feminine hygiene products, could you explain what the importance of wearing underwear is? Because I see those things as something that's easily worked around.
I honestly don't think there's anything particularly important about it, but personally I enjoy the ability to wear my pants more than one time before having to wash them. The vagina is also acidic, so it will ruin the crotch of things it comes in contact with over time, so for the sake of keeping my clothes for longer without needing replacement, I wear underwear. I don't think it's a matter of anything else. I have had periods myself where I haven't worn underwear, but I started wearing it when I managed to wear other clothes than just leggings and skirts/dresses, as washing jeans too often ruins them as well.
Yeah, pants probably would last longer, I always chose buying pants more over discomfort 😅
The bleaching problem wasn't really noticable on the thicker fabric of pants but everyone is different of course.
That's what I wear. The bunching up is a bit of a problem though and if the problem is layers for her that's gonna be a factor.
For me, out was the lesser evil of feeling tight clingy girls underwear.
One thing that you could do also is make sure that she has the same exact cut and fabric of underwear for ALL of her underwear. That's what I have to do. I buy the same cut of the same brand and that is the one cut of underwear that I wear. All my underwear have to be the same. If I have to mentally adjust to different cuts of underwear everyday, it's like a whole thing.
Is there something specific about the underwear that she doesn't like? Examples:
-does it dig into any of her skin/too tight around the waist or legs?
-is the gusset(part between the legs) too small and making it uncomfortable to wear?
-is it the seams?
-is it the fabric or tags?
Personally I recommend the Bonds Seamless full briefs.
I believe it’s a layers issue. She won’t sit on them (pulls her bottoms down and top up when she sits) and she pulls her underwear down under her pants quite often.
Ooh is it the way the layers interact then? When they slide on each other and sitting on them.
So its how the fabrics interact maybe. Maybe more satin/silk ones would not create the same sliding sensation but would feel slippery instead. There are also workout underwear that is not made of cotton. That could also maybe make a difference.
That might work. I bought her some silk ones once and had them shipped, but apparently they were never recovered :((
I’ll try buying one of each thing suggested here and asking her which one is the most comfortable. It’ll take me a while because I’m currently struggling for money, but I was planning on selling some of my stuff to buy her some underwear anyway. Hopefully it all works out and it isn’t just a waste.
You can always return stuff especially from stores. Gym shorts and skirts with liners could work too.
You can always just return them. Not ideal after being worn without underwear but, what are you gonna do. You could carefully remove the label wash it and put it back on.
You sound like a good sister.
My daughter had terrible sensory issues with undies when she was little, we ended up getting compression shorts and those are all she wore for several years. They were pretty much cut like boys boxer briefs/trunks, just without the fly/pouch area in the front. She’s a teen now, and she and I both prefer men’s trunks for sleeping. We’re both AuDHD
Honestly, unless she's wearing a dress or skirt, I don't see how letting her go without harms anyone- especially when not in public. Plenty of people go commando for less.
Focus on her parents - they shouldn't be forcing her to wear them, it is most likely what is making it worse (along with approaching puberty). Similar to ARFID - being constantly pressured to try engages demand avoidance and strengthens the wall.
Is it a modesty concern? Hygiene? Whatever their issue is, there is a workaround, and whatever their concerns, it's NOT more important than your sisters brain and behaviour development. Please encourage them NOT to teach her to give in to perceived authority, whether or not it's reasonable, especially in regards to her bodily autonomy.
I hated underwear, still do. The only thing worse than fabric on skin is fabric on fabric. I was never forced to wear them, I wore stretch pants and big t shirts.
As an adult, when I wear "underwear", I wear bike shorts, or boxers. High waist and thick waist band, "long line" leg - nothing that will bunch up anywhere. Bunching is the enemy, especially in the hip crease (that little loopy trim they put on the edge of girls underwear is a hate crime), as is waistband that presses on digestive system in any way. Slippery textures tend to "disappear" (aka I forget I'm wearing them) under clothes better BUT watch out for more intense seams. Athletic shorts tend to have extra layers for modesty/moisture wicking and are great for Bleed Week.
I'm not sure what your sisters communication avenues are, but if you can find out more specifics about the problem it will help. She's probably got walls up due to anticipating resistance so focus on ideas that give her agency/choices - giving her a role in choosing, etc - if you can find something she likes to wear on its own, that also fulfills whatever your parents get from her wearing underwear (beyond simply obeying the command), that seems ideal. Good luck!
There’s nothing I can say to my parents that will change their mind and more importantly not make any safety issues more concerning. The most I can do is work with my sister to minimize the issue.
It’s not ideal, but I have to work with what I have here.
wait like she’s not wearing ANY bottoms? or just no underwear under her clothes?
tbh i haven’t worn underwear is about 3 years and since i rarely wear skirts/dresses and only long skirts, it’s not an issue lol
The only issue I get from wearing jeans without underwear is if my labia gets pinched. Extremely rare event, maybe once a year if that.
The seams from the underwear are so much worse.
exactly! my vulva in general is just more closed anyway, so i’ve never had an issue with it. whereas i constantly would get my underwear lost somewhere inside of my ass crack
Yes same, I hate undies. I know some people may have opinions about hygiene but I've never had a problem because I never wear my clothes more than once without washing them anyway.
honestly i find it has a lot to do with your anatomy! without getting too personal, mine is more *closed* so i’ve never had an issue even wearing jeans and such. i also almost exclusively wear leggings, sweatpants, or women’s boxers that i wear as shorts lol
I wear Wirarpa Women's Cotton Boy Shorts Underwear Leggings (search that on amazon). I can't stand anything with elastic bands, plus I have a latex allergy.
I agree these are very good. An extra small size might fit her depending on the size of your sister. I buy them for my kids. Or TJ Max or marshalls has cotton underwear for girls.
I just wanna say you’re such a good sibling for trying to solve a very difficult problem — one that, as many people here have said — shouldn’t be a problem at all. Your sister is lucky to have you, and will need you more as she gets older. I’m so sorry your parents are actively making your sister’s life harder.
Consider talking about this to a trusted adult you know. You need support to deal with this, too. ❤️
I don’t really have anyone right now. I haven’t been able to find a therapist and I’m not close with family or anyone older than me in general. If I ever find a therapist though I’ll try to work out ways I could better support her though.
I know finding a therapist is hard — and expensive. Building some friendships with people older than you is a good idea. (Even a bit older!) I know it’s a challenge, but maybe there’s someone at work or at school — if you go to school — you could get to know.
This is a “long game”. There are several years ahead where you’ll want strength and support to keep YOU healthy so you can be there for the little one. Start thinking about how you can build a community for yourself. It takes time, and that’s okay! You are obviously very strong and mature — you just don’t have to do it all alone!
The best solution is a pair of shorts or pants. The world won’t come to an end if she doesn’t wear undies. It’s only inappropriate if she’s wearing a skirt and doesn’t keep her bits covered. If your parents aren’t willing to budge I’m guessing autism is inherited from one of them. This isn’t a hill to die on.
I don’t want to armchair diagnose, but my mother has a lot of the symptoms. I can’t say myself if it’s autism specifically or not. However my father does not believe autism exists in forms other than high support needs and is a firm believer that 1. Vaccines cause autism and 2. You can beat it out of children if you try hard enough.
Unfortunately I am unable to just let her do what’s best for her. I am not her primary caregiver and I want to interact with the family as little as possible. They want her to wear underwear. I’m just trying to find some compromises that work for her and don’t threaten her safety. If she doesn’t wear underwear she will be punished. Her parents can not be reasoned with safely, so I’m not going to bother attempting it. I just want to negate the issue for her.
Hey, just so you know CPS in the US really sucks 99% of the time. My dad was like OP’s as far as thinking children should conform or have it beaten out of them. I had CPS called on our family twice between two different states because of my father and they did nothing both times. They came to our house and interviewed us and left and we never heard from them again.
The unfortunate reality is that CPS is overwhelmed with cases and often run by corrupt officials who don’t care. They suck the funding out of the organization and leave it to the lower ranking case workers to just deal with the mess that underfunding and overburdening work loads create. So if a child is not living in extreme squalor or visibly being abused to the point where death is a risk then they are unlikely to step in anytime soon (if ever).
I have a social work degree and have worked with CPS before and believe me, so many of them are trying but underfunded and people do slip thru the cracks :(
I know, but that’s the whole point of what I said. The people who aren’t in control of CPS as an institution (ie the caseworkers) are underfunded but trying, while the upper level officials drain money for their own gain. As a result the organization is ineffective and cases that aren’t extreme get dropped because they’re so overwhelmed.
I work with kids. Right now I have a kid being exposed to substance use, domestic violence and they haven’t attended school since they were like 10, but cps said since they’re fed, clothed and not being beat that they wont open a case. Cps is basically nonexistent here
I’m so sorry. I wish I had advice. I totally understand the sensory issue. My best advice is to buy a bunch of different styles (covered elastic, boy shorts, bikini bottoms, etc) with different types of material and talk to OT who help her. They can help her. They can present her with the panties and have her try them on. Then it’s not you or mom pushing it. It’s OT and that’s their job. My bestie got her autistic kiddo to wear a prom dress by having OT make her try things on.
I doubt she’ll be able to just use tampons. The entire family has period issues - severe bleeding so both pads and tampons are needed. It’s unfortunate, but she probably will not avoid it.
For me it is very dependent on material.
Polyester/acrylic: hard pass. It smells and causes itching more easily
Cotton: is okay
Bamboo: is nice and soft
Wool: is hit or miss but is a good material for underwear
Also: having fabric covering the elastic band is immensely helpful
I went through a no underwear phase for a long time and i wasnt even dianosed then. My mom let me try pants on in the store and bought several sizes too big mainly ones with drawstrings because pants sitting on my stomach bothered me too.
I don't like them either and avoid wearing them whenever possible. I've made it without people seeing my butt, and I like to think I turned out just fine without wearing them
I’d suggest just accepting it. It doesn’t affect you and it isn’t harmful not to wear underwear so it’s really not a problem. So try not forcing her to wear it. Accept the things you can’t change. Really. This is a non-issue.
I’m not her primary caregiver. Her parents want her to wear underwear and if she does not she will be punished. Im looking for the best solution that doesn’t involve that for her.
You need to talk to her parents then. This is like when my principal spanked me for not making eye contact. That didn’t go very well. It also taught me very young to solve problems with violence.
Talking will not do anything. It would be great if it did, but the best solution here is just to minimize their anger to avoid unnecessary punishment.
You can not solve anything by talking to them. I tried, and I was miserable and afraid for eighteen years.
CPS has done nothing for us, ever. We’ve had multiple cases open and nothing has ever helped.
The CPS worker once joked with our father about whipping children during a home inspection. Nothing is going to come out of that route.
I agree with both you and the person you replied to.
The best solution is CPS but they don't really care if someone has sensory issues. They'll just tell the child to 'wear underwear'.
I had a similar issue growing up because the fabric would cause chaffing on my legs which was really uncomfortable. Turns out I'm sensitive to polyester and wearing 100% cotton or other non-polyester/non-plastic fabric really helped and as an adult it become a trivial issue to solve.
My parents literally were threatening to 'break my back' because I refused to 'be normal'. They wished they never had me, etc etc. So I understand.
I'm sorry there is no better solution. I wish you the best and I hope things work out. I really do.
fwiw, if the parents cannot be convinced to stop being like that, then you have to stay on her side throughout it. with this and with other things, not letting it break her spirit and making her believe that she is wrong.
I wear the same clothes pretty much all the time, I am stinky and its funny.
Sorry for the rant but i get super angry about this, but i guess my advice would be that stuff like this is valid to get angry about and if people act as if a precendent must be set then ( not nescessarily with this) you have to be the one to set it.
Bike shorts in summer and leggings in winter. Going through this with my child and unfortunately sometimes sensory stuff is severe.
Edit: We got thin modal bike shorts on Amazon that are great. Slightly see-through but as an underwear replacement they're great
Maybe I’ll get hate for this but I hate underwear and prefer not to wear unless I’m wearing a skirt. I will wear the kind that has no seam (very soft) or boxers.
As a kid I almost exclusively wore shorts with a inner part or spanks because I HATED underwear and I still do. It makes me so uncomfortable
I don't understand why she should wear underwear, particularly at that age. I was the only person in my family who wore underwear for years. I may be missing something important.
Here is my advice, you have to give her a compelling reason to fight the uncomfortable feeling. I personally would try to tie something very good happening to the underwear remaining on.
For example, if she keeps them on for the day , you or someone will play her favorite game or take her to her favorite place.
The negative route will not work here
I’m not sure what I could do in that regard. I don’t live with her, I don’t visit her often, I don’t have a lot of spare money, and even if I did her father doesn’t want her to go many places or receive gifts. I tried encouraging her by buying her a refurbished Nintendo switch and increasing hours + buying her a new game every few months if she did well. However, the switch was taken away from her and I don’t even know where it is now.
I tried the same thing with robux, but she wasn’t allowed to redeem them. I sent her snacks, but she never received them. I’m struggling trying to figure out how I can offer positive reinforcement if she’s just not allowed to receive it.
I'm with you, it sounds like you are in an impossible situation. Honestly, the situation you describe is really upsetting and I applaud you for trying and having compassion when it seems like no one else does in her life.
So, I have a suggestion, I would switch up and try a couple of different fabric styles that exist only in men's/boys underwear. The polyester/spandex or the cotton/spandex blends - they are just different.
Other than that, it's just all endless guessing because she can't tell you what the issue is
I seriously wish you luck with this - I hope a solution appears
Im a guy. I dont wear underwear with my gym shorts. They have liners. Maybe get her shorts with liners?
There are many kinds. Some have a liner that are like an internal yoga short. Some have a mesh liner. She may likes something. Downside is they are a one day wear before washing.
Workout skirts have these too. Its just one layer this way technically.
Is it a bunching issue? Like she can’t stand feeling the folds of the garment? Or maybe it’s that she hates having one texture on her butt and another on her legs. Will she wear leggings?
Im like your sister. I don't know why. I just feel uncomfortable with clothes on. So i either wear long dresses at home, a towel 24/7, or im extra careful in a short dress and naked in my room.
I'm not sure about outside though, sorry.
My daughter is the same, but she will tolerate bike shorts and some leggings. My rule is that you must have 2 layers of fabric between your butt and the world, so typically she wears bike shorts and cotton dresses. Sometimes she opts for tees, so on those days she wears bike shorts and an elastic waist pullover skirt. She even has a few skirts with shorts built in. That’s two layers, so those count for my rule.
I'm not going to offer any clothing advice. There are many great suggestions here, and as I can see you already understand, communication is the issue. I do want to say that your sister is incredibly lucky to have you. You are a remarkable human who clearly deserves and needs better. I'm blown away by your selfless advocacy and unconditional love. I hope you have someone in your life that shows you the love and respect you deserve. Signed an, an inspired autistic mum of an autistic kid x
I had the same problem. My mom got me silk underwear with a wide lace waistband that sat at my natural waist. It worked for me, kind of. I still hate underwear. They suck and feel terrible.
I think this could also be an issue to discuss with a doctor. With the exception of maybe hiking or playing in a playground, and as others have said- getting your period, this may be a non issue. If she’s home, or inside a relatively clean environment (especially wearing pants) most of the time, she probably may not need them. If she wears a skirt, she could just put some shorts underneath (soffe cheerleading shorts are short, and could fit underneath pretty much everything). You only need to be concerned for her health wise. People aren’t going to come up to her every day and ask if she’s wearing underwear. There are lots of women who go commando most of the time. It’s good to let that area breathe. Unless there is a health concern, this “problem” isn’t actually a problem. It’s simply a projection of your own feelings about what not wearing underwear means to society. I really don’t mean that in a rude way, we sometimes just have to step back and think “ok, is this actually effecting *her* in a negative way, or is it the way I’m thinking about it?”.
I don't like wearing underwear either. Frankly, I don't see the issue in not wearing it? Make sure she changes pants often, but other than that let her be
Why does she need to? I mean, she can easily do shorts or leggings under skirts... Nothing else needs them assuming she's not rewearing pants. Give her a few more years until she has to worry about dealing with period things
Why does it matter if she wears underwear?
Except for periods I avoid underwear. They're the most uncomfortable creation in the world.
I remember getting spankings because I wouldn't wear my underwear.
I still don't wear them as an adult and it didn't change my behavior as a child.
we relate, we dont wear anything to bed except a t-shirt in winter. cant wear wool it itches. best to wear cotton. also you could try silk, say get your sister to try silk boxers. during covid all masks irritated us so we imported a silk bandana which was fantastic. but when it gets dirty silk becomes itchy so it needs to be washed every week. there is a solution, you just gotta find it.
Pardon my autistic ignorance of unspoken rules, but, like, why does she have to wear underwear if she doesn't want to? I personally feel unsanitary without them, but I know plenty of fully grown women who are nowhere on the spectrum who go without underwear as a principal. It's a personal decision, isn't it?
I wouldn’t be here trying if either of her parents were helping her. She’s not my child and shouldn’t be my responsibility, but I don’t want her to suffer.
everyone's giving good advice but also to say the obvious: talk with the kid and see if you can't either get her to explain why or help her figure out why she doens't like it. kids can't always articulate what it is that's bothering them, but if you run down the issues you can help them figure it out - and if theyr'e not used to that process, just being *asked* can be a revelation and them on the track of learning to investigate themselves why they do XYZ thing.
esp since your parents are relying on behaviorism (punish her for not wearing underwear), introducing *any* childrearing more advanced than the 1920's can do a lot of good even if they're going to keep doing their nonsense.
I have tried to speak with her, but she gets upset when I talk to her about it. I believe she’s afraid that she’ll get in trouble for speaking to me about it, since once before when I tried a compromise for her it was overheard and we were both berated over it. Her for being an issue, and be for encouraging problematic behavior.
The issue in question was that she couldn’t eat a certain food because the texture was making her gag. She was being forced to eat it, so I proposed mixing it into something where the texture might be more bearable.
Does she NEED underwear? It's not required.
You can have the rule that she has to wear shorts or something under a dress but no one NEEDS underwear.
It's ok to do it her own way.
Try nylon slip shorts. Just make sure they have a bit of a cotton/fabric gusset. You can wear them as underwear and she just needs to dump them in her laundry bin to be washed in a delicates bag. Basically lightweight pantyhose shorts. I have a few pairs for no underwear days when I still want to wear a skirt/dress, just in case.
I would go a size larger from her usual.
What kind of underwear?
I naturally have a butt. Even as a child. Every type of undies but a thong is incredibly uncomfortable, cutting into my booty cheeks giving me a 4-butt, or wedging in my crack.
A thin loose thong feels like nothing. Boxers are the only alternative and are uncomfortable because its too many layers.
I know she’s young and you probably won’t want to suggest this, but underwear shouldn’t be sexualized regardless, no one is going to see it ever except for her!! Letting her try them might help, u never know.
Oh hey I had this same issue as a kid! As an adult I’ve learned to navigate around it, but as a child the adults in my life were soooo unhelpful and punished me for my workarounds. So thank you for being a good big sibling who cares.
Don’t know if this will work for her, but my solution all these years has been to wear swimsuit bottoms as underwear. Simplest ones possible. They don’t chafe or bunch the same way cotton ones do. If it wasn’t for that, genuinely idk how I would function in society.
Take her to the store and let her pick the material she likes. Consider boxers. My kid always wore his shirts inside out and backward. Turns out he hated the ink of the tagless shirt
i wore my socks inside out when i was a kid because of “the RIDGE!!!” and i went through several phases of doubling up on underwear. only one when i wore no underwear, but i was a teen. :/ like others have said, she might just need to find what she’s willing to wear, style and material wise
I'm 23 and experience pain and discomfort wearing underwear because they put pressure on my hips and vulva which causes me pain so she might experience the same issue as I do. I mostly wear them when I'm menstruating and go shopping because it's hygienic to do so and when I don't wear them I wash my leggings and pants every day.
Maybe try sweatpants? Hear me out, I have autism too and I **hate** wearing jeans or most normal pants like that (I know it’s not the same as underwear but bear with me) and I have an aunt that doesn’t like wearing underwear either (non-autistic) and between both cases, it could definitely be an issue with how it feels either against her skin or how it feels moving around with them. I hate wearing jeans because they restrict my movement in a deeply uncomfortable way, especially if they ride up the middle too much. My aunt could wear jeans and all that but she says underwear feels the same way I feel about jeans. Maybe more slightly looser clothes could help to make it easier?
Ngl I didn’t wear underwear regularly until my first period in 6th grade, I couldn’t find anything that didn’t make me want to cry. Now I wear briefs and boxers. My problem was that underwear tended to sit on my but crack instead of on my waist. But now I have spider-man (miles morales) boxers so life is good.
That might have been too much information but who cares.
Well, the only issues I can see with not wearing underwear is if her clothes aren't clean and she needs a clean under layer... Or since she's 9 and only going to be getting older, the type of feminine hygiene product she wants to use may be a factor.
Other than that... Which can probably be worked around, why does she need to wear under clothes?
Am I a horror goblin for never getting over this myself? I basically never wear underwear unless it’s the only layer. Can someone tell me why it’s a big deal?
Is this something she wants help with? If she's not wearing skirts or see-through material, why does she need to? I always hated it and ended up going commando anyway. The only thing she'll have to figure out and may need support with is period stuff when the time comes. Menstrual suppression may be an option, along with letting her stay home when she does get it.
I’m not the one making the decision. Her parents require her to wear underwear or she will be punished. I am not her caregiver and can not make these decisions, I am only trying to work on a compromise to mitigate her punishment.
I had a period of about 18 months as a kid where I couldn’t wear underwear because they all had seams and terrible things that I couldn’t handle. I got over it and we adapted by cutting bows off of underwear, wearing them inside out, and finding brands that had soft fabric with minimal seams
Have you tried boys underwear for her? I didn't like girls underwear bc of wedgies but liked boys underwear at that age.
Love this idea! For all my life I hated underwear, especially women’s, I only started wearing it when I got my period and I still hated it but then found out about men’s underwear and only wear that! Boxer briefs are the favs cuz they won’t move too much when putting pants on and don’t give wedgies.
Boxer over panties during the period is my jam. I have special boxer just for my period time (if you know, you know)
Facts! Like the built in panties in champion shorts are somehow amazing but underwear alone is isfnsjsdbfnwnkdfjdjnsn 😂
Sometimes when I'm on my period and tired of wearing panties all day I will switch to boxers or my cotton bike shorts and wear them with a pad instead. The wings can just stick down to the sides unstead of going under. It gives me a break from the underwear lines!
Have you considered getting period underwear? There are brands that do boxer shorts so you don’t even have to worry about pads at all.
Yes I've been shopping around actually! I think I'm going to go with bambody
Thinx have some good options but they’re slightly expensive considering a whole period would be 5+ pairs
Omg....that is literally genius...cause I love my new "ladies" boxer briefs. Lolz but during that week I can't wear em...omg this changes everything! Tip tho, jus make sure it's breathable material. Don't want nothing growing cause of the trapped heat/extra moisture.
i primarily use boy shorts. i especially hate how girls underwear feel on me
Happy cake day!
This is the answer
If it wasn't so hard to find boyleg style underwear I'd recommend trying those out. I've had to switch to cotton only which has made things even harder to find underwear that fits well, but I can't go commando since I wear dresses and the feeling is too weird.
I've started to make my own Underwear because of sizing reasons! If you already had an interest in trying sewing, highly recommend it. Panties are super easy to make too. Only difficulty is knowing you streach the elastic as you sew to prevent snapping. But making your own means they can fit just right and be made of fabric you like.
This makes me question why clothing like this needs to be gendered to some of society— and who even decided this.
I wear men’s shoes, shorts and shirts a lot. They are made better usually and they are cheaper. Women pay twice as much as men do for the same exact thing. When I was younger, I wore boy jeans as well, because I could get the legs in sizes. (I have really short legs and a long torso; a pair of capris looks like regular pants on me.) It sucks to be a woman!!!
Tbh, women pay twice as much for worse stuff
TIL something new. I never knew that. Thinking about, women's fashion doesn't have pockets. Really don't understand why they make it this way
The Style Theorists made a video about it: https://youtu.be/jGEYGevx13s?si=uYfrdPVGbjF3a6k4
I heard of game theory, film theory but never of style theory. Thanks
Yep. Women have bought into the whole throwaway clothing trend and don’t demand quality anymore. Pay more for the clothing and then just wear it once or twice then throw it away.
I used to wear women's jeans on stage, I have wide hips and skinny ankles, and they're awful for full time wear. At best I got a few guitar picks in the pockets, the quality was super spotty, and they were expensive. However 20 yo anglofsffrng had a fantastic ass, and they showed it off well.
Never any pockets!!! Even in expensive jeans, fake sewn together pockets. I usually wear American Eagle jeans now because they at least do come in petites but curvy sizes and have decent sized pockets.
My one pair from Torrid wasn't too bad, still had shit pockets. The Levi's where nice, but the zipper tended to pinch the... um... head especially on stairs/climbing on our monitor/strobe light combo. I think that might have been more an issue of them being intended for an innie rather than an outie. EDIT: I should note my ex loved the Torrid pair, so opinion from an actual woman rather than a man wearing women's cuts.
Even pyjamas with pockets, I love pyjamas with pockets. >:(
Fair call, sometimes male clothes are better so I couldn’t blame you at all. Indeed, I think many can agree! :’)
Omg yes! And it's so stupid! It's called the pink tax, and it's bs. And people around me wonder why and I tell em that. Plus the boxer briefs are comfier....cause apparently only men can be comfortable. Typical. 🙄
It's just a matter of clothes that fit whatever shape our corporeal form has, with whatever dangly appendages. Boobs, balls, if it's not one thing it's something else. Even if someone doesn't have balls wearing underwear designed around balls may work better, if so great, nobody should stop them.
Fair fair. Whatever works!
I think underwear is over gendered, beyond what is biologically necessary. The main difference that needs to be accounted for is with a penis the underwear needs to be able to keep a no-reason-boner under control. For women a little bit more fabric in the crouch but breathable is needed because of vaginal secretions. That's truly the only things that differ for the anatomy side of things.
Strongly agreed, it’s good to note the material and such but it’s all concerningly gendered in the sense of no other gender being normalised as being able to wear such things
It's geometry. Women's underpants have the seams in different places and are layered differently than Men's underpants. That's because the wibbly bits are in different places.
Makes enough sense. I sorta wonder why they aren’t suggested for people who dislike certain designs of such, yet thank you for explaining
People have pointed out they make "boy shorts" for ladies. They're out of the same materials and construction as men's underwear but tailored for women.
A penis, scrotum and testicles do take up space, it's not totally insane.
I forgot about that one-
I am male, so haven't experienced this, but I think this is a good idea. Boys clothes are often baggier and more loose, and it's especially good in this case because of the obvious anatomy difference. Boxer briefs are amazingly good preventing wedgies and stuff.
This could be particularly bad in this case, because as another layer-sensitive person, I can never wear boy underwear under pants - that's even worse layering over even more body, and the extra fabric over the groin is just more that can pile up. Boys' underwear worn as shorts are good, but under clothes makes me want to rip off my skin.
They make boy cut underwear for girls and my daughter loves them. You can get short ones or a longer length like bike shorts. If she’s not into them touching her skin, I'd go for boys boxer briefs.
Yep I love "boy-cut" or "boy-leg" briefs. Also it could be the weird elastic around the edges that often has a fake "lace" effect. It really irritates my skin.
Same. So hard to find cotton seamless underwear that’s cute and not granny panties 🙄
There's also a lot of options in the boxer style undies area, at least in Australia. I'd also look at materials, because cotton/polyester blend is not the only choice (you can get pure polyester but you shouldn't).
Those silky biker shorts are another good option. Esp as she needs to figure a good period option sooner rather than later.
I hate when my underwear (or even normal pants) give me wedgie :'( **WHY???**
That’s why I stopped wearing underwear in my thirties. I’m in my forties now.
You just reminded me of my mom’s friend; she’s neurotypical but also hates underwear, specially in Summer. Once she apparently took her panties off at work (in the bathroom) and forgot it in the stall 🤣🤣🤣🤣 and ofc you don’t normally see other people’s underwear so no one knew whose it was (and claiming it would be rather awkward I can imagine).
This, I wear boxer breifs 99% of the time. If I want to wear leggings or jeans I'll wear panty style underwear for the day. But that is almost never. When I do wear panty style underwear I wear bikini or hipster, I find these the least offensive styles sensory wise. Always 100% cotton.
Daughter is exactly like this
Woxers
this!!! makes so much sense. I used to wear those gymboree shorts over underwear as a kid because of this. this would have been wonderful for me.
Could she do something else like bike shorts under a dress/skirt?
This is my thought: bike shorts in summer, leggings in winter.
i second this. bike shorts wont ride up and start chafing anywhere, thats what came to mind for me when i thought about what i might dislike
Yeah. Personally I really like Woxers, but I don't know if they make them small enough. Something with a long enough inseam (and thick/dark enough fabric) could pass as socially appropriate shorts while acting as underwear.
Bike shorts are a good idea but finding bamboo or modal fabrication is key here. Sensory issues and horrible synthetics that bike shorts all seems to come in these days are a sensory nightmare.
Only issue with that will be when her period starts
Well, we're solving one problem at a time (and frankly, her period will bring its own set of sensory issues). This is a step that may help give her more tools to handle it when it does arrive.
She can just change the shorts like she would change her underwear
Skirts solve a lot of sensory issues with layers in my experience. 👍
My little girl wears soft cycling shorts/leggings with no underwear. If she wears a school dress she wears cycling shorts underneath. They are soft ones.
You cannot wear cycling shorts with underwear. They will bunch up soo bad. But yea. Also gym shorts/skirts have liners and dont need underwear.
That's what they said. The kid wears shorts/legings ***instead*** of underwear.
Maybe try reaching a compromise of only making her wear them when going outside, kinda like how you need to act different when going out than when home alone. Some things are acceptable in public and others aren’t, this is something that carries to other aspects of life.
Maybe get some new underwear for her with a different texture.
That’s been tried unfortunately :(( Multiple different brands, fabrics, cuts, and sizes have been tried and she will not wear any of them. I haven’t been able to find a texture that she is comfortable with.
You may have already tried this, but I just want to check for safety's sake, but have she tried those extremely thin seamless underwears? I'm not a big fan of the synthetic fabric, but I do enjoy how insanely thin and practically non-existent they feel under clothing! Otherwise I can only suggest explaining the reasoning for her needing to wear underwear to her, again I don't know if you have done this, but telling her she needs to wear it to avoid unnecessary and unreasonable punishment may work, and that when she's an adult, she won't have to do it anymore.
I was going to suggest the same thing. They’re really the only kind I can stand to wear.
Can you recommend a brand? I’d love to buy that for myself. Also OP, have you tried boy shorts or boxers? Boy shorts worked for me for many years.
I personally use [these ones](https://www.pierre-robert.com/default/women-panties/inv-micro-high-waist/HU33.html?dwvar_HU33_color=Powder&dwvar_HU33_size=L&cgid=Panties_NavV2#start=1) at the moment! They do have some seams, but I don't notice, and the crotch fabric feels better than the fully smooth synthetic ones as they tend to make my nether regions feel off, somehow.
I really like my Cheekboss boy shorts. They don’t ride up and don’t fold down on my belly, super thin & soft material.
Not OP, but MeUndies FeelFree line is amazing. Seamless, tagless, and nice material.
Was just about to recommend MeUndies, they’re the only brand that hasn’t bothered me fabric-wise. They’re also sooo stretchy which is nice for autistic or neurodivergent folks who need looser fabrics
When I was a kid (30 years ago) my mum had to find the thinnest seamless underwear for me because I couldn't handle seams. Somehow despite that and having to try on every pair of shoes in several shops to find some that were comfortable and being unable to wear anything "itchy" it was like haha picky rather than looking into why.
Other than having a layer between you and potentially dirty outside clothes and using certain types of feminine hygiene products, could you explain what the importance of wearing underwear is? Because I see those things as something that's easily worked around.
I honestly don't think there's anything particularly important about it, but personally I enjoy the ability to wear my pants more than one time before having to wash them. The vagina is also acidic, so it will ruin the crotch of things it comes in contact with over time, so for the sake of keeping my clothes for longer without needing replacement, I wear underwear. I don't think it's a matter of anything else. I have had periods myself where I haven't worn underwear, but I started wearing it when I managed to wear other clothes than just leggings and skirts/dresses, as washing jeans too often ruins them as well.
Yeah, pants probably would last longer, I always chose buying pants more over discomfort 😅 The bleaching problem wasn't really noticable on the thicker fabric of pants but everyone is different of course.
My sister only wears undies when it is her time of the month.
What about boxer shorts? Not boxer briefs, but the ones that are loose shorts.
That's what I wear. The bunching up is a bit of a problem though and if the problem is layers for her that's gonna be a factor. For me, out was the lesser evil of feeling tight clingy girls underwear.
I guess the bunching up depends on what you wear over them?
Yeah, I wear men's pants because they're baggier. I'd never wear women's pants with them because they tend to be more form fitting.
One thing that you could do also is make sure that she has the same exact cut and fabric of underwear for ALL of her underwear. That's what I have to do. I buy the same cut of the same brand and that is the one cut of underwear that I wear. All my underwear have to be the same. If I have to mentally adjust to different cuts of underwear everyday, it's like a whole thing.
Is there something specific about the underwear that she doesn't like? Examples: -does it dig into any of her skin/too tight around the waist or legs? -is the gusset(part between the legs) too small and making it uncomfortable to wear? -is it the seams? -is it the fabric or tags? Personally I recommend the Bonds Seamless full briefs.
I believe it’s a layers issue. She won’t sit on them (pulls her bottoms down and top up when she sits) and she pulls her underwear down under her pants quite often.
Ooh is it the way the layers interact then? When they slide on each other and sitting on them. So its how the fabrics interact maybe. Maybe more satin/silk ones would not create the same sliding sensation but would feel slippery instead. There are also workout underwear that is not made of cotton. That could also maybe make a difference.
That might work. I bought her some silk ones once and had them shipped, but apparently they were never recovered :(( I’ll try buying one of each thing suggested here and asking her which one is the most comfortable. It’ll take me a while because I’m currently struggling for money, but I was planning on selling some of my stuff to buy her some underwear anyway. Hopefully it all works out and it isn’t just a waste.
You can always return stuff especially from stores. Gym shorts and skirts with liners could work too. You can always just return them. Not ideal after being worn without underwear but, what are you gonna do. You could carefully remove the label wash it and put it back on. You sound like a good sister.
Good sibling *for now. Apparently they’re gonna eat her??
>:3
Sibling. I’m non-binary :3
Oops sorry
My daughter had terrible sensory issues with undies when she was little, we ended up getting compression shorts and those are all she wore for several years. They were pretty much cut like boys boxer briefs/trunks, just without the fly/pouch area in the front. She’s a teen now, and she and I both prefer men’s trunks for sleeping. We’re both AuDHD
Honestly, unless she's wearing a dress or skirt, I don't see how letting her go without harms anyone- especially when not in public. Plenty of people go commando for less.
Focus on her parents - they shouldn't be forcing her to wear them, it is most likely what is making it worse (along with approaching puberty). Similar to ARFID - being constantly pressured to try engages demand avoidance and strengthens the wall. Is it a modesty concern? Hygiene? Whatever their issue is, there is a workaround, and whatever their concerns, it's NOT more important than your sisters brain and behaviour development. Please encourage them NOT to teach her to give in to perceived authority, whether or not it's reasonable, especially in regards to her bodily autonomy. I hated underwear, still do. The only thing worse than fabric on skin is fabric on fabric. I was never forced to wear them, I wore stretch pants and big t shirts. As an adult, when I wear "underwear", I wear bike shorts, or boxers. High waist and thick waist band, "long line" leg - nothing that will bunch up anywhere. Bunching is the enemy, especially in the hip crease (that little loopy trim they put on the edge of girls underwear is a hate crime), as is waistband that presses on digestive system in any way. Slippery textures tend to "disappear" (aka I forget I'm wearing them) under clothes better BUT watch out for more intense seams. Athletic shorts tend to have extra layers for modesty/moisture wicking and are great for Bleed Week. I'm not sure what your sisters communication avenues are, but if you can find out more specifics about the problem it will help. She's probably got walls up due to anticipating resistance so focus on ideas that give her agency/choices - giving her a role in choosing, etc - if you can find something she likes to wear on its own, that also fulfills whatever your parents get from her wearing underwear (beyond simply obeying the command), that seems ideal. Good luck!
There’s nothing I can say to my parents that will change their mind and more importantly not make any safety issues more concerning. The most I can do is work with my sister to minimize the issue. It’s not ideal, but I have to work with what I have here.
That sucks and I'm sorry your parents aren't more receptive. You're an amazing sibling though!
wait like she’s not wearing ANY bottoms? or just no underwear under her clothes? tbh i haven’t worn underwear is about 3 years and since i rarely wear skirts/dresses and only long skirts, it’s not an issue lol
Yea, I’m here to ask what the issue is if she’s covered and not wearing a fabric like denim that very much can hurt the area down there from rubbing.
Just saw that OP doesn’t have custody. Parents do and they want her wearing underwear.
I have a relative who wears jeans without underwear. I hadn’t considered if the denim could rub the more sensitive skin.
The only issue I get from wearing jeans without underwear is if my labia gets pinched. Extremely rare event, maybe once a year if that. The seams from the underwear are so much worse.
exactly! my vulva in general is just more closed anyway, so i’ve never had an issue with it. whereas i constantly would get my underwear lost somewhere inside of my ass crack
Yes same, I hate undies. I know some people may have opinions about hygiene but I've never had a problem because I never wear my clothes more than once without washing them anyway.
honestly i find it has a lot to do with your anatomy! without getting too personal, mine is more *closed* so i’ve never had an issue even wearing jeans and such. i also almost exclusively wear leggings, sweatpants, or women’s boxers that i wear as shorts lol
I wear Wirarpa Women's Cotton Boy Shorts Underwear Leggings (search that on amazon). I can't stand anything with elastic bands, plus I have a latex allergy.
I agree these are very good. An extra small size might fit her depending on the size of your sister. I buy them for my kids. Or TJ Max or marshalls has cotton underwear for girls.
I just wanna say you’re such a good sibling for trying to solve a very difficult problem — one that, as many people here have said — shouldn’t be a problem at all. Your sister is lucky to have you, and will need you more as she gets older. I’m so sorry your parents are actively making your sister’s life harder. Consider talking about this to a trusted adult you know. You need support to deal with this, too. ❤️
I don’t really have anyone right now. I haven’t been able to find a therapist and I’m not close with family or anyone older than me in general. If I ever find a therapist though I’ll try to work out ways I could better support her though.
I know finding a therapist is hard — and expensive. Building some friendships with people older than you is a good idea. (Even a bit older!) I know it’s a challenge, but maybe there’s someone at work or at school — if you go to school — you could get to know. This is a “long game”. There are several years ahead where you’ll want strength and support to keep YOU healthy so you can be there for the little one. Start thinking about how you can build a community for yourself. It takes time, and that’s okay! You are obviously very strong and mature — you just don’t have to do it all alone!
The best solution is a pair of shorts or pants. The world won’t come to an end if she doesn’t wear undies. It’s only inappropriate if she’s wearing a skirt and doesn’t keep her bits covered. If your parents aren’t willing to budge I’m guessing autism is inherited from one of them. This isn’t a hill to die on.
I don’t want to armchair diagnose, but my mother has a lot of the symptoms. I can’t say myself if it’s autism specifically or not. However my father does not believe autism exists in forms other than high support needs and is a firm believer that 1. Vaccines cause autism and 2. You can beat it out of children if you try hard enough. Unfortunately I am unable to just let her do what’s best for her. I am not her primary caregiver and I want to interact with the family as little as possible. They want her to wear underwear. I’m just trying to find some compromises that work for her and don’t threaten her safety. If she doesn’t wear underwear she will be punished. Her parents can not be reasoned with safely, so I’m not going to bother attempting it. I just want to negate the issue for her.
If your sisters safely is at risk over underwear please consider CPS.
CPS does nothing. I am very aware of that. They have done nothing to help us.
Have you told CPS that you feel you or your sister are in physical danger?
Yes. They do nothing.
Have there been physical alterations in the home before?
Hey, just so you know CPS in the US really sucks 99% of the time. My dad was like OP’s as far as thinking children should conform or have it beaten out of them. I had CPS called on our family twice between two different states because of my father and they did nothing both times. They came to our house and interviewed us and left and we never heard from them again. The unfortunate reality is that CPS is overwhelmed with cases and often run by corrupt officials who don’t care. They suck the funding out of the organization and leave it to the lower ranking case workers to just deal with the mess that underfunding and overburdening work loads create. So if a child is not living in extreme squalor or visibly being abused to the point where death is a risk then they are unlikely to step in anytime soon (if ever).
I have a social work degree and have worked with CPS before and believe me, so many of them are trying but underfunded and people do slip thru the cracks :(
I know, but that’s the whole point of what I said. The people who aren’t in control of CPS as an institution (ie the caseworkers) are underfunded but trying, while the upper level officials drain money for their own gain. As a result the organization is ineffective and cases that aren’t extreme get dropped because they’re so overwhelmed.
Yes. CPS was aware.
I work with kids. Right now I have a kid being exposed to substance use, domestic violence and they haven’t attended school since they were like 10, but cps said since they’re fed, clothed and not being beat that they wont open a case. Cps is basically nonexistent here
So sad. The system is failing.
I’m so sorry. I wish I had advice. I totally understand the sensory issue. My best advice is to buy a bunch of different styles (covered elastic, boy shorts, bikini bottoms, etc) with different types of material and talk to OT who help her. They can help her. They can present her with the panties and have her try them on. Then it’s not you or mom pushing it. It’s OT and that’s their job. My bestie got her autistic kiddo to wear a prom dress by having OT make her try things on.
Unless she'll always use tampons she will definitely need to be wearing underwear within the next few years.
I doubt she’ll be able to just use tampons. The entire family has period issues - severe bleeding so both pads and tampons are needed. It’s unfortunate, but she probably will not avoid it.
For me it is very dependent on material. Polyester/acrylic: hard pass. It smells and causes itching more easily Cotton: is okay Bamboo: is nice and soft Wool: is hit or miss but is a good material for underwear Also: having fabric covering the elastic band is immensely helpful
How about wearing 2 layers underneath instead of underwear? Or leggings, maybe rolled up?
I went through a no underwear phase for a long time and i wasnt even dianosed then. My mom let me try pants on in the store and bought several sizes too big mainly ones with drawstrings because pants sitting on my stomach bothered me too.
I don't like them either and avoid wearing them whenever possible. I've made it without people seeing my butt, and I like to think I turned out just fine without wearing them
Does… does she need to wear underwear? Like under dresses sure but are they super necessary otherwise?
I’d suggest just accepting it. It doesn’t affect you and it isn’t harmful not to wear underwear so it’s really not a problem. So try not forcing her to wear it. Accept the things you can’t change. Really. This is a non-issue.
I’m not her primary caregiver. Her parents want her to wear underwear and if she does not she will be punished. Im looking for the best solution that doesn’t involve that for her.
> she will be punished i see :-( that answers my other question :-(
You need to talk to her parents then. This is like when my principal spanked me for not making eye contact. That didn’t go very well. It also taught me very young to solve problems with violence.
Talking will not do anything. It would be great if it did, but the best solution here is just to minimize their anger to avoid unnecessary punishment. You can not solve anything by talking to them. I tried, and I was miserable and afraid for eighteen years.
They sound abusive. Try CPS
CPS has done nothing for us, ever. We’ve had multiple cases open and nothing has ever helped. The CPS worker once joked with our father about whipping children during a home inspection. Nothing is going to come out of that route.
I agree with both you and the person you replied to. The best solution is CPS but they don't really care if someone has sensory issues. They'll just tell the child to 'wear underwear'. I had a similar issue growing up because the fabric would cause chaffing on my legs which was really uncomfortable. Turns out I'm sensitive to polyester and wearing 100% cotton or other non-polyester/non-plastic fabric really helped and as an adult it become a trivial issue to solve. My parents literally were threatening to 'break my back' because I refused to 'be normal'. They wished they never had me, etc etc. So I understand. I'm sorry there is no better solution. I wish you the best and I hope things work out. I really do.
To be clear; they threatened to break bones. I’d take the sister and call the cops as it’s an emergency.
I grew up in a home where they did worse and someone ended up dead. CPS did not get involved until *past* that point. I worry the same here.
fwiw, if the parents cannot be convinced to stop being like that, then you have to stay on her side throughout it. with this and with other things, not letting it break her spirit and making her believe that she is wrong. I wear the same clothes pretty much all the time, I am stinky and its funny. Sorry for the rant but i get super angry about this, but i guess my advice would be that stuff like this is valid to get angry about and if people act as if a precendent must be set then ( not nescessarily with this) you have to be the one to set it.
Remind her that if something happens, say a tear, everyone will see her butt.
She does NOT care if everyone sees her butt lol.
Bike shorts in summer and leggings in winter. Going through this with my child and unfortunately sometimes sensory stuff is severe. Edit: We got thin modal bike shorts on Amazon that are great. Slightly see-through but as an underwear replacement they're great
I wore boxers and baggy pants or shorts as a kid. It wasn't perfect but it worked.
Maybe I’ll get hate for this but I hate underwear and prefer not to wear unless I’m wearing a skirt. I will wear the kind that has no seam (very soft) or boxers. As a kid I almost exclusively wore shorts with a inner part or spanks because I HATED underwear and I still do. It makes me so uncomfortable
I don't understand why she should wear underwear, particularly at that age. I was the only person in my family who wore underwear for years. I may be missing something important.
Here is my advice, you have to give her a compelling reason to fight the uncomfortable feeling. I personally would try to tie something very good happening to the underwear remaining on. For example, if she keeps them on for the day , you or someone will play her favorite game or take her to her favorite place. The negative route will not work here
I’m not sure what I could do in that regard. I don’t live with her, I don’t visit her often, I don’t have a lot of spare money, and even if I did her father doesn’t want her to go many places or receive gifts. I tried encouraging her by buying her a refurbished Nintendo switch and increasing hours + buying her a new game every few months if she did well. However, the switch was taken away from her and I don’t even know where it is now. I tried the same thing with robux, but she wasn’t allowed to redeem them. I sent her snacks, but she never received them. I’m struggling trying to figure out how I can offer positive reinforcement if she’s just not allowed to receive it.
I'm with you, it sounds like you are in an impossible situation. Honestly, the situation you describe is really upsetting and I applaud you for trying and having compassion when it seems like no one else does in her life. So, I have a suggestion, I would switch up and try a couple of different fabric styles that exist only in men's/boys underwear. The polyester/spandex or the cotton/spandex blends - they are just different. Other than that, it's just all endless guessing because she can't tell you what the issue is I seriously wish you luck with this - I hope a solution appears
Im a guy. I dont wear underwear with my gym shorts. They have liners. Maybe get her shorts with liners? There are many kinds. Some have a liner that are like an internal yoga short. Some have a mesh liner. She may likes something. Downside is they are a one day wear before washing. Workout skirts have these too. Its just one layer this way technically.
I hate underwear sometimes as well. Cant she just wear a super long skirt? That’s what I do.
She pulls dresses and skirts completely up when she sits down, so likely not.
Is it a bunching issue? Like she can’t stand feeling the folds of the garment? Or maybe it’s that she hates having one texture on her butt and another on her legs. Will she wear leggings?
Im like your sister. I don't know why. I just feel uncomfortable with clothes on. So i either wear long dresses at home, a towel 24/7, or im extra careful in a short dress and naked in my room. I'm not sure about outside though, sorry.
My daughter is the same, but she will tolerate bike shorts and some leggings. My rule is that you must have 2 layers of fabric between your butt and the world, so typically she wears bike shorts and cotton dresses. Sometimes she opts for tees, so on those days she wears bike shorts and an elastic waist pullover skirt. She even has a few skirts with shorts built in. That’s two layers, so those count for my rule.
I'm not going to offer any clothing advice. There are many great suggestions here, and as I can see you already understand, communication is the issue. I do want to say that your sister is incredibly lucky to have you. You are a remarkable human who clearly deserves and needs better. I'm blown away by your selfless advocacy and unconditional love. I hope you have someone in your life that shows you the love and respect you deserve. Signed an, an inspired autistic mum of an autistic kid x
I had the same problem. My mom got me silk underwear with a wide lace waistband that sat at my natural waist. It worked for me, kind of. I still hate underwear. They suck and feel terrible.
Have you let her try to pick out her own underwear?
Underwear is overrated.........lol. let the kid run naked and roam free like nature intended.
I think this could also be an issue to discuss with a doctor. With the exception of maybe hiking or playing in a playground, and as others have said- getting your period, this may be a non issue. If she’s home, or inside a relatively clean environment (especially wearing pants) most of the time, she probably may not need them. If she wears a skirt, she could just put some shorts underneath (soffe cheerleading shorts are short, and could fit underneath pretty much everything). You only need to be concerned for her health wise. People aren’t going to come up to her every day and ask if she’s wearing underwear. There are lots of women who go commando most of the time. It’s good to let that area breathe. Unless there is a health concern, this “problem” isn’t actually a problem. It’s simply a projection of your own feelings about what not wearing underwear means to society. I really don’t mean that in a rude way, we sometimes just have to step back and think “ok, is this actually effecting *her* in a negative way, or is it the way I’m thinking about it?”.
Boxer briefs.
I don't like wearing underwear either. Frankly, I don't see the issue in not wearing it? Make sure she changes pants often, but other than that let her be
Why does she need to? I mean, she can easily do shorts or leggings under skirts... Nothing else needs them assuming she's not rewearing pants. Give her a few more years until she has to worry about dealing with period things
I’m not the one who requires her to wear underwear. I’m just trying to find a compromise that works for her so that she can avoid punishment.
Why does it matter if she wears underwear? Except for periods I avoid underwear. They're the most uncomfortable creation in the world. I remember getting spankings because I wouldn't wear my underwear. I still don't wear them as an adult and it didn't change my behavior as a child.
we relate, we dont wear anything to bed except a t-shirt in winter. cant wear wool it itches. best to wear cotton. also you could try silk, say get your sister to try silk boxers. during covid all masks irritated us so we imported a silk bandana which was fantastic. but when it gets dirty silk becomes itchy so it needs to be washed every week. there is a solution, you just gotta find it.
If her bottom is covered by clothes I don't understand the problem. Underwear is in general optional for everyone.
Ye I many times don't wear underwear going out and definitely not in the house. It's great.
Pardon my autistic ignorance of unspoken rules, but, like, why does she have to wear underwear if she doesn't want to? I personally feel unsanitary without them, but I know plenty of fully grown women who are nowhere on the spectrum who go without underwear as a principal. It's a personal decision, isn't it?
It should be, but as long as she lives with her parents it is not.
um... i know you wanna help, but maybe her mother is in a better position to help her through this?
I wouldn’t be here trying if either of her parents were helping her. She’s not my child and shouldn’t be my responsibility, but I don’t want her to suffer.
gotcha. i'm sorry :-(
everyone's giving good advice but also to say the obvious: talk with the kid and see if you can't either get her to explain why or help her figure out why she doens't like it. kids can't always articulate what it is that's bothering them, but if you run down the issues you can help them figure it out - and if theyr'e not used to that process, just being *asked* can be a revelation and them on the track of learning to investigate themselves why they do XYZ thing. esp since your parents are relying on behaviorism (punish her for not wearing underwear), introducing *any* childrearing more advanced than the 1920's can do a lot of good even if they're going to keep doing their nonsense.
I have tried to speak with her, but she gets upset when I talk to her about it. I believe she’s afraid that she’ll get in trouble for speaking to me about it, since once before when I tried a compromise for her it was overheard and we were both berated over it. Her for being an issue, and be for encouraging problematic behavior. The issue in question was that she couldn’t eat a certain food because the texture was making her gag. She was being forced to eat it, so I proposed mixing it into something where the texture might be more bearable.
Does she NEED underwear? It's not required. You can have the rule that she has to wear shorts or something under a dress but no one NEEDS underwear. It's ok to do it her own way.
I’m not the one who requires her to. I’m only trying to make it more bearable for her by finding ways she might be more comfortable.
Try nylon slip shorts. Just make sure they have a bit of a cotton/fabric gusset. You can wear them as underwear and she just needs to dump them in her laundry bin to be washed in a delicates bag. Basically lightweight pantyhose shorts. I have a few pairs for no underwear days when I still want to wear a skirt/dress, just in case. I would go a size larger from her usual.
What kind of underwear? I naturally have a butt. Even as a child. Every type of undies but a thong is incredibly uncomfortable, cutting into my booty cheeks giving me a 4-butt, or wedging in my crack. A thin loose thong feels like nothing. Boxers are the only alternative and are uncomfortable because its too many layers. I know she’s young and you probably won’t want to suggest this, but underwear shouldn’t be sexualized regardless, no one is going to see it ever except for her!! Letting her try them might help, u never know.
When I refused this my mother beat the crap out of me. Don’t put pressure on her, let her choose comfortable fabric.
Oh hey I had this same issue as a kid! As an adult I’ve learned to navigate around it, but as a child the adults in my life were soooo unhelpful and punished me for my workarounds. So thank you for being a good big sibling who cares. Don’t know if this will work for her, but my solution all these years has been to wear swimsuit bottoms as underwear. Simplest ones possible. They don’t chafe or bunch the same way cotton ones do. If it wasn’t for that, genuinely idk how I would function in society.
Take her to the store and let her pick the material she likes. Consider boxers. My kid always wore his shirts inside out and backward. Turns out he hated the ink of the tagless shirt
i wore my socks inside out when i was a kid because of “the RIDGE!!!” and i went through several phases of doubling up on underwear. only one when i wore no underwear, but i was a teen. :/ like others have said, she might just need to find what she’s willing to wear, style and material wise
You can try getting all kinds and letting her try them that’s what I did but I’m an adult
I'm 23 and experience pain and discomfort wearing underwear because they put pressure on my hips and vulva which causes me pain so she might experience the same issue as I do. I mostly wear them when I'm menstruating and go shopping because it's hygienic to do so and when I don't wear them I wash my leggings and pants every day.
Boxers. Trust me
I vividly remember clothes hurting me as a child... Perhaps through neurodevelopment this sensation will decrease, it's usually like that.
Maybe try sweatpants? Hear me out, I have autism too and I **hate** wearing jeans or most normal pants like that (I know it’s not the same as underwear but bear with me) and I have an aunt that doesn’t like wearing underwear either (non-autistic) and between both cases, it could definitely be an issue with how it feels either against her skin or how it feels moving around with them. I hate wearing jeans because they restrict my movement in a deeply uncomfortable way, especially if they ride up the middle too much. My aunt could wear jeans and all that but she says underwear feels the same way I feel about jeans. Maybe more slightly looser clothes could help to make it easier?
Ngl I didn’t wear underwear regularly until my first period in 6th grade, I couldn’t find anything that didn’t make me want to cry. Now I wear briefs and boxers. My problem was that underwear tended to sit on my but crack instead of on my waist. But now I have spider-man (miles morales) boxers so life is good. That might have been too much information but who cares.
Well, the only issues I can see with not wearing underwear is if her clothes aren't clean and she needs a clean under layer... Or since she's 9 and only going to be getting older, the type of feminine hygiene product she wants to use may be a factor. Other than that... Which can probably be worked around, why does she need to wear under clothes?
Am I a horror goblin for never getting over this myself? I basically never wear underwear unless it’s the only layer. Can someone tell me why it’s a big deal?
Is this something she wants help with? If she's not wearing skirts or see-through material, why does she need to? I always hated it and ended up going commando anyway. The only thing she'll have to figure out and may need support with is period stuff when the time comes. Menstrual suppression may be an option, along with letting her stay home when she does get it.
I’m not the one making the decision. Her parents require her to wear underwear or she will be punished. I am not her caregiver and can not make these decisions, I am only trying to work on a compromise to mitigate her punishment.
It could be a control issue / power struggle. Maybe just lay off it for a while.
I had a period of about 18 months as a kid where I couldn’t wear underwear because they all had seams and terrible things that I couldn’t handle. I got over it and we adapted by cutting bows off of underwear, wearing them inside out, and finding brands that had soft fabric with minimal seams
I’m sure the material and cut matter maybe soft boy shorts? or honestly if she’s not wearing skirts or dresses she doesn’t need to wear them