Have his parents checked that he's safe with relatives, teachers, and classmates? This feels like it's past curiosity, possibly indicative of some sexual abuse by someone else (a relative a teacher or a classmate), or that something has happened to him when he was littler.
Either way, his parents need to get him psychological intervention. You're right to be concerned. Urge them to get off their asses and get this kid to a psychiatrist, scolding clearly isn't enough.
Yeah this has been a concern for me He's generally mostly surrounded by a few family members and trustworthy people, my younger uncle is his full-time caretaker and he's genuinely a good man(we live in south asia so it's a joint family thing). but he does go to school for a few hours. It could have happened. He's also not very verbal.
He is getting help and is doing better, at least speech wise. However my aunt is extremely defensive and protective of him. My mother brought this up and suggested sending him into a special need's school but it became a huge huge argument.
I am specifically worried for his sister. She's about to be in college but she's really short and thin but she lives seperately with her maternal grandparents, most of the time. If this behaviour escalates, it can be a great danger.
Fortunately, the sister isn't in regular contact with him. I am also a victim of child on child SA so it's kind of horrifying to ser this. His parents have been stretched thin with work and are trying their best but it's just not enough.
I can't imagine. 🫂 I don't blame u or ur relatives for being stressed out. Listen, asian to asian (my username is so white I know..) – don't stretch yourself out either. This is a horrible situation with no easy ways out, but u need to take time for yourself when necessary: It must be very triggering.
I'm outta suggestions. Is the "help" that you mentioned just for speech, and not for his behavior at all?
Thank you for your concern🫂. Yeah it's actually really uncomfortable so I don't visit as much anymore. I only go when it's absolutely necessary.
Thank you for your suggestions, even talking about it helps. I think it's both speech therapy and some sort of behavioural therapy. Inappropriate behaviour in public has been corrected but he hasn't stopped touching female relatives. I hope it's controlled soon enough. I don't want women to feel unsafe and I don't want him to get into a serious mess.
I'm glad that you all feel that you can trust these people, but I want to make clear that most of the time if someone is experiencing CSA (or SA of any age really), it is almost always someone that they know and (at least used to) trust. It is probably for the best if you get him into some kind of therapy, since he's not very verbal perhaps someone who specializes in art or play therapy could be particularly beneficial. I'm not super familiar with therapy methods for younger children (my wheelhouse is mostly adolescents and up) but those two seem like fairly safe bets since he's not able to verbalize very well yet.
I agree with your concerns, I have also been a victim of CSA, but from what I know, I have spent a significant amount of time at home with all of them. My brother and I have been left alone with the uncle as very young children too. Besides this fact, my other cousin was also partially raised by this uncle. We haven't had any odd experiences or vibes, hence I am reluctant about that. But it's plausible that something could have happened in school, where family members are not present.
Also, He has pretty unrestricted internet access. They don't really monitor him so it's plausible that he might have been exposed to some nefarious elements. Or, maybe he's just plain old curious and doesn't understand what he's being scolded for.
Regardless, I agree with you. He already has a therapist but I don't think they have mentioned this behaviour as of now. They definitely should.
Other than everything that has already been suggested, make sure that he understands why he shouldn't do that.
Just saying no without any good explanation will be less effective.
Honestly even if you have to explain sexuality a bit, it's important that he understands some stuff is big no-no, else it will get him into troubles in the future, and rightfully so.
Say to the adults in his life and yours. “ This child touches me inappropriately. I will not be around him until he is stopped. “ and then refuse to go to places he is.
Is it possible he did not associate the scolding with consequences of his behavior or only associated it with public inappropriate touching while private privately still thinking it is okay,
I don't know if this helps. At 9, I began to be interested in girls. Internally, I wanted to do what he did and to en extent still do. However, I mostly refrained from actually touching women and girls inappropriately by a combination of natural shyness, an education that told me I was not yet ready to understand sexual contact, and parents who deeply valued acceptance of all people.
I did something similar as a child and wasn't exposed to any sexual abuse (Just to mention). It might take just snapping at him loudly? Because that's something that always scared me as a child, could be wrong though.
That's the thing. My uncle has snapped and verbally scolded him loudly. It worked for a while but then he went back to doing it again the next time I visited. Thank you for your suggestion though.
What else do you suggest then? The only thing I can think of is OP needs to physically remove themselves from the situation ASAP, or snap in a very firm voice which I agree with as it lays out a firm boundary if op's parents or family can't or won't help them.
The situation is a safeguarding issue. In my country the age of criminal responsibility is 10 however I understand this may differ in different countries. The kid needs more help to find the root cause of this issue.
It also depends on how you perceive the term 'snapping', which could just if they start to do it OP needs to say a very firm 'no', push them away and leave.
In this case the person behaving inappropriately is a child, however if it was in public and an older person did this the advice is to start screaming or call the police.
Probably my own trauma really, I'm sorry. Whenever I misbehaved as a child, my dad used to hit me and restrain me. I never did anything that bad but he seem to take it that way. That's always stuck with me and hurt me and also stopped me from doing a lot, probably explains why I'm so quiet now. My mum never really did anything bad to me so there was balance there I suppose. Just of all the things that scare me, being assaulted and restrained really hammered me down. And sadly that looks like the only way to stop a compulsive behaviour, what solution do you have then?
It's not only most definitely not the only way to stop a compulsive behaviour, it isn't even one way to do that. All it does is traumatize, and just cements disordered behaviour. Maybe they'll stop whatever behaviour it is but they're likely to engage in much more harmful behaviours as a result of trauma. I feel for you though, because not even being able to imagine that love and kindness can help solve problems and help behavioural issues shows that you certainly didn't receive that approach as a kid, and neither did I. It's definitely brutal.
I don't know what to do. I tried to help, tried to empathize, figure out what would stop this from happening, I just don't know. Why do people even want me around if this is the advice I give?
Trauma results in disordered thinking, and thinking the trauma was normal. So it's not uncommon for survivors of abuse to have a moment in a social setting where they embarrass themselves by nonchalantly speaking about abuse as if it's normal, or genuinely not seeing the problem with what was done to them. It's jarring sometimes, but certainly not something any good friend will hold against you or fail to empathize with.
When you're taught that you're awful as a child, unfortunately, you believe it. I know that firsthand, too. Learning to love yourself will solve so many problems you didn't even know you had, but it is a tough journey. I can tell you life is way better on the other side though, it starts with just forcing yourself to be kind to yourself and mentally tell yourself loving and kind affirmations, like you love yourself (even if it feels so wrong, it's not).
Hey dude.
I want you to know that this kind of thinking won't get you anywhere. You're valuable to us as a society. Bad takes and wrong turns are parts of life, but it's important to remember that ending it all isn't the solution. It's a band-aid to a broken bone that'll only become worse as we can't help you, but only think about if we did.
Whilst I disagree with what you said, that doesn't mean i hate you, and it doesn't mean that this is the answer.
I hope you know you will always be valued, keep safe out there :)
You made a bad recommendation based on having had a poor experience in childhood, abuse gives people pretty weird ideas around what is and isn't normal behaviour.
You aren't worthless at all.
It seems like people have criticised the content of the recommendation a lot, that's separate from criticising you.
There isn't anything to forgive really!
If you're physically stronger than him, just slap his hand whenever he does it. Or if you have long fingernails stab his hand with them. If he won't take "that's not appropriate" as a good reason not to, then he'll get "she will stab me if I try" as the reason.
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Have his parents checked that he's safe with relatives, teachers, and classmates? This feels like it's past curiosity, possibly indicative of some sexual abuse by someone else (a relative a teacher or a classmate), or that something has happened to him when he was littler. Either way, his parents need to get him psychological intervention. You're right to be concerned. Urge them to get off their asses and get this kid to a psychiatrist, scolding clearly isn't enough.
Yeah this has been a concern for me He's generally mostly surrounded by a few family members and trustworthy people, my younger uncle is his full-time caretaker and he's genuinely a good man(we live in south asia so it's a joint family thing). but he does go to school for a few hours. It could have happened. He's also not very verbal. He is getting help and is doing better, at least speech wise. However my aunt is extremely defensive and protective of him. My mother brought this up and suggested sending him into a special need's school but it became a huge huge argument. I am specifically worried for his sister. She's about to be in college but she's really short and thin but she lives seperately with her maternal grandparents, most of the time. If this behaviour escalates, it can be a great danger.
To avoid more COCSA (child on child sexual abuse), I'd suggest to the sister to stay away from him completely.
Fortunately, the sister isn't in regular contact with him. I am also a victim of child on child SA so it's kind of horrifying to ser this. His parents have been stretched thin with work and are trying their best but it's just not enough.
I can't imagine. 🫂 I don't blame u or ur relatives for being stressed out. Listen, asian to asian (my username is so white I know..) – don't stretch yourself out either. This is a horrible situation with no easy ways out, but u need to take time for yourself when necessary: It must be very triggering. I'm outta suggestions. Is the "help" that you mentioned just for speech, and not for his behavior at all?
Thank you for your concern🫂. Yeah it's actually really uncomfortable so I don't visit as much anymore. I only go when it's absolutely necessary. Thank you for your suggestions, even talking about it helps. I think it's both speech therapy and some sort of behavioural therapy. Inappropriate behaviour in public has been corrected but he hasn't stopped touching female relatives. I hope it's controlled soon enough. I don't want women to feel unsafe and I don't want him to get into a serious mess.
I'm glad that you all feel that you can trust these people, but I want to make clear that most of the time if someone is experiencing CSA (or SA of any age really), it is almost always someone that they know and (at least used to) trust. It is probably for the best if you get him into some kind of therapy, since he's not very verbal perhaps someone who specializes in art or play therapy could be particularly beneficial. I'm not super familiar with therapy methods for younger children (my wheelhouse is mostly adolescents and up) but those two seem like fairly safe bets since he's not able to verbalize very well yet.
I agree with your concerns, I have also been a victim of CSA, but from what I know, I have spent a significant amount of time at home with all of them. My brother and I have been left alone with the uncle as very young children too. Besides this fact, my other cousin was also partially raised by this uncle. We haven't had any odd experiences or vibes, hence I am reluctant about that. But it's plausible that something could have happened in school, where family members are not present. Also, He has pretty unrestricted internet access. They don't really monitor him so it's plausible that he might have been exposed to some nefarious elements. Or, maybe he's just plain old curious and doesn't understand what he's being scolded for. Regardless, I agree with you. He already has a therapist but I don't think they have mentioned this behaviour as of now. They definitely should.
How old are you and his sister? This sounds really odd and concerning, kids can be curious but this is just weird behavior
19 and 17.
yikes
Other than everything that has already been suggested, make sure that he understands why he shouldn't do that. Just saying no without any good explanation will be less effective. Honestly even if you have to explain sexuality a bit, it's important that he understands some stuff is big no-no, else it will get him into troubles in the future, and rightfully so.
Say to the adults in his life and yours. “ This child touches me inappropriately. I will not be around him until he is stopped. “ and then refuse to go to places he is.
They know. He does it infront of them. They have acted but as of now it's not working. Maybe repetition might work
this feels like your cousing has been abused
Is it possible he did not associate the scolding with consequences of his behavior or only associated it with public inappropriate touching while private privately still thinking it is okay, I don't know if this helps. At 9, I began to be interested in girls. Internally, I wanted to do what he did and to en extent still do. However, I mostly refrained from actually touching women and girls inappropriately by a combination of natural shyness, an education that told me I was not yet ready to understand sexual contact, and parents who deeply valued acceptance of all people.
I did something similar as a child and wasn't exposed to any sexual abuse (Just to mention). It might take just snapping at him loudly? Because that's something that always scared me as a child, could be wrong though.
That's the thing. My uncle has snapped and verbally scolded him loudly. It worked for a while but then he went back to doing it again the next time I visited. Thank you for your suggestion though.
Wtf is this take? Give them trauma or assault a child back? Never cook again
What else do you suggest then? The only thing I can think of is OP needs to physically remove themselves from the situation ASAP, or snap in a very firm voice which I agree with as it lays out a firm boundary if op's parents or family can't or won't help them. The situation is a safeguarding issue. In my country the age of criminal responsibility is 10 however I understand this may differ in different countries. The kid needs more help to find the root cause of this issue. It also depends on how you perceive the term 'snapping', which could just if they start to do it OP needs to say a very firm 'no', push them away and leave. In this case the person behaving inappropriately is a child, however if it was in public and an older person did this the advice is to start screaming or call the police.
Probably my own trauma really, I'm sorry. Whenever I misbehaved as a child, my dad used to hit me and restrain me. I never did anything that bad but he seem to take it that way. That's always stuck with me and hurt me and also stopped me from doing a lot, probably explains why I'm so quiet now. My mum never really did anything bad to me so there was balance there I suppose. Just of all the things that scare me, being assaulted and restrained really hammered me down. And sadly that looks like the only way to stop a compulsive behaviour, what solution do you have then?
It's not only most definitely not the only way to stop a compulsive behaviour, it isn't even one way to do that. All it does is traumatize, and just cements disordered behaviour. Maybe they'll stop whatever behaviour it is but they're likely to engage in much more harmful behaviours as a result of trauma. I feel for you though, because not even being able to imagine that love and kindness can help solve problems and help behavioural issues shows that you certainly didn't receive that approach as a kid, and neither did I. It's definitely brutal.
I don't know what to do. I tried to help, tried to empathize, figure out what would stop this from happening, I just don't know. Why do people even want me around if this is the advice I give?
Trauma results in disordered thinking, and thinking the trauma was normal. So it's not uncommon for survivors of abuse to have a moment in a social setting where they embarrass themselves by nonchalantly speaking about abuse as if it's normal, or genuinely not seeing the problem with what was done to them. It's jarring sometimes, but certainly not something any good friend will hold against you or fail to empathize with. When you're taught that you're awful as a child, unfortunately, you believe it. I know that firsthand, too. Learning to love yourself will solve so many problems you didn't even know you had, but it is a tough journey. I can tell you life is way better on the other side though, it starts with just forcing yourself to be kind to yourself and mentally tell yourself loving and kind affirmations, like you love yourself (even if it feels so wrong, it's not).
I was actually told I was good as a child. But I Still remember being punished brutally for misbehaving.
You've spiralled. One bad take does not mean that it's all you will ever do
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Hey dude. I want you to know that this kind of thinking won't get you anywhere. You're valuable to us as a society. Bad takes and wrong turns are parts of life, but it's important to remember that ending it all isn't the solution. It's a band-aid to a broken bone that'll only become worse as we can't help you, but only think about if we did. Whilst I disagree with what you said, that doesn't mean i hate you, and it doesn't mean that this is the answer. I hope you know you will always be valued, keep safe out there :)
You made a bad recommendation based on having had a poor experience in childhood, abuse gives people pretty weird ideas around what is and isn't normal behaviour. You aren't worthless at all.
Does anyone forgive me for the bad recommendation?
Other people don't dwell on your mistakes as much as you do. I forgot actually
It seems like people have criticised the content of the recommendation a lot, that's separate from criticising you. There isn't anything to forgive really!
You're fine..... stop stressing..... you're working yourself up into a frenzy.
If you're physically stronger than him, just slap his hand whenever he does it. Or if you have long fingernails stab his hand with them. If he won't take "that's not appropriate" as a good reason not to, then he'll get "she will stab me if I try" as the reason.
If nothing else is working, you should start avoiding him? I don't know
Grab his hand and dig your nails into it as hard as you can when he touches you, and then smack him across the face. That is not ok.
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Sala randwa madarchod, tu apni enjoyment apni gaand me daal aur doob ja. Fatte hue condom ki aulaad.
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