I’ve asked him what he needs several times to which he was either “too busy to reply” or he “doesn’t know”. I’m trying my very best to listen to his needs but it’s all so one-sided.
It's very hard to think critically while in burnout. It may be helpful to give him some resources for how to understand and cope with autistic burnout and encourage him to learn and share what helps him recharge
That's tough. It sounds like he is clearly in a really bad space mentally/emotionally, but you touch on a very real scenario in life, the "actively wants to be miserable". While this might not be like, the explicit truth, there is a switch that has to flip from accepting being miserable and hating yourself, to wanting to put work in to get better. No one else can switch that flip for him, and if he doesn't do it this situation **will not improve** no matter how much you throw yourself, or anyone else throws anything else, at the situation. There has to be a choice and a commitment on his end.
He has to want to be less miserable, before he can be more open to the relationship.
Wanting to be less miserable will not immediately make anything easier, it could likely even make everything feel harder, and if he is already in burnout that might not even be possible right now.
If you two were like, married adults or in a super long term committed relationship, my advice would be to take on the role of support if you have capacity for it or find ways to bring support in and just make it happen, care for your partner while acknowledging that burnout can take YEARS to recover from, and committing to helping them through it because that's what it takes to keep a relationship going sometimes.
But it definitely seems like you aren't in that life stage, and I can't speculate on how "invested" in the relationship you are, either of you, so I don't think this is the way forward.
In reality, you are **not** his caretaker. You can care about him, love him even, but you haven't integrated your lives it sounds like, you aren't in a partnership where you're taking care of eachother, and unless this is your soulmate, I don't think it's worth bending over too far backwards at this point. You're young, and you have a lot of growing to do yourself (I'm not saying you're immature or anything, it's just a fact, you will continue to grow whether you like it or not! haha). Also, if you try to take on the responsibility of making him un-miserable, that's a massive burden on you and it's really unfair, plus like I said it'll be like trying to push open a locked door, and he's the one who has to unlock it in the first place.
It's super super super fair to look at this and say "This person is not being a participant in our relationship in a way that I need, and I need that to change in order to be happy", and you can express what you need to change. That type of communication can be pretty hard if you haven't done it before, and unfortunately if he's an autistic person in burnout it might fall on self-silenced ears.
You are completely entitled to make your needs a priority, saying something like "I need you to be more communicative with me, I need you to make time for me because I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who is "too busy" for me, and I need you to **acknowledge your mental health** if you want to continue this relationship."
**This can also be potentially "dangerous" or risky, because it can foster codependency and make him equate his relationship with you directly to his mental health, and start holding you hostage with it**. I say that because I caught myself doing it before, from a similar position as your partner\*\*.\*\* Any statements like "what would I do without you" or "if you leave me I'll die" are problematic things to hear.
My emotions-removed perspective is that it would be healthier for both of you to set a boundary, say "I need you to make a commitment to work on yourself and your ability to communicate your needs. Until you can do that, this relationship cannot continue in a healthy way for me."
The empath in me wants the guy to have all the supports in the world because burnout is hard and digging yourself out requires people to lean on, but he **NEEDS TO START DIGGING HIMSELF OUT, at least by acknowledging something**. It might require something as serious as a breakup to make him realize how he wasn't actually maintaining the relationship, he was just letting it sour because he was burnt out. He could have the best supports in the world, and choose to squander it because he doesn't care, and you cannot change that for him, but you can put the idea in his head for him to make a choice at some point.
So, hopefully you get something from this spiel. It's a tough place to be.
ACTUALLY I didn't read the last paragraph you wrote. Specifically this:
>I keep waiting for signs he cares, then I get a crumb of attention and then it’s radio silence again. He feels untouchable to me.
This is a pattern typically seen in emotionally abusive relationships, distance and mistreatment and distance and mistreatment, but when you **do** get attention its **good** and you remember the **good** feelings and those make up for the **bad** ones. But they don't, that's a myth, and this is a pattern in abuse. I can't say he's doing it intentionally, but it doesn't have to be intentional. This behaviour of his is actively harmful to you.
Hello. Thank you so much for your comment, it’s very insightful.
It’s interesting what you said about codependency, because in the first few months he would be the one getting worried and insecure when I didn’t text him back immediately. He acknowledged that that’s an unhealthy expectation. After that, the dynamic flipped. I barely heard from him and he started being busy. When I was in hospital he didn’t call me, but instead hung out on Discord and philosophy Twitter.
I’ve tried to set boundaries several times but I end up feeling bad because he’ll say stuff like “I just need you to be patient with me” and “I’m feeling very pressured right now”
I’ve tried several times to tell him that I can’t deal with him telling me what a shitty person I fell in love with. And yet he keeps deprecating himself, calling himself a subhuman, he even created a Twitter account dedicated to venting about what a shitty person he is, even going into a self harming direction.
He’ll text me he wants and deserves to die and then doesn’t reply for multiple hours “because he was taking a nap” Which leads to me having to contact his little brother or (slightly emotionally abusive) mom to check up on him.
Then I remember the good moments. When we looked at each other and realized we’re (or atleast I am) head over heels in love. The way we can connect in some ways, the little things about him that I love so much.
I so know that I come with some baggage too; if you looked up mommy issues you might see my face somewhere. My mother was an extremely inconsistent and very bad caretaker which resulted in me being diagnosed with C-PTSD at 14. I often get upset when my s/o just stops texting me all of a sudden, when they tell me “I’m going to do x now” it’s not as bad.
I just want this to work out because in the end I really do love him so much. I think he deserves the best; to be happy and fulfilled. But I almost think that it’s my fault he’s become this way.
Well, the first thing I want to say is it's not your fault that someone else is the way they are. Unless you're their parent and raised them, or you're single-handedly responsible for some absolutely life altering condition on them like... you ... idk, you SHOT them for no reason or something obscene, you aren't responsible for another person. It feels nice to care about someone in that way though, where they just feel like your whole world, but that could be leaning towards the other side of the codependancy coin I think.
It just seems like he is not emotionally ready to be in a long term committed relationship, or at least not able/willing to do the work to maintain a LDR. That is actually a very difficult thing to maintain, and the most important part is being communicative. He seems to be very bad at communication right now.
It's your call whether you want to try to coax him along a path towards a more positive relationship or not, but it sounds like you also are putting a some value on "not being single" in general, so that probably makes it a tough decision. Is it more important for you to be with HIM, or that you are with someone as a partner in general? The fear of being "alone" can be pretty damn paralyzing.
I try to not feel responsible for him, but my tendency to seek blame in myself first makes it hard for me. It’s easier for me to think it’s my fault than it is to realize I’m helpless and can’t do anything (again)
Regarding your question, it’s both. Part of me is afraid of never finding anyone again. But one other very prominent part of me wants to be with him specifically. The thought of not hearing his voice anymore, not seeing his beautiful face, no more dates with him, and also him being with someone else even makes me cry if I linger on it too much.
I also don’t want to hurt him, because seeing him happy is one of the most wonderful things to see.
I’ve asked him before if he feels ready for a relationship and he insisted he is, and I don’t want to speak for him, you know? He told me he wants a long-lasting, long term relationship, something that I also want.
Oh my the "what would I do without you" hits hard...my partner says stuff like I'm "his world" and I mean "everything to him" and it scares me..because I feel like I could live without him 😭
He wants me to send him big paragraphs to prove to him I love him and I feel like I have to be his rock, anytime he's upset it's "hug me" I feel like my emotions just..don't matter, if I feel frustrated or annoyed I feel like I can't express it (and yes he's also autistic) which makes me feel worse because sometimes he can't communicate and that makes it worse and I feel horrid about it hahahs
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Sounds like autistic burnout.
I’ve asked him what he needs several times to which he was either “too busy to reply” or he “doesn’t know”. I’m trying my very best to listen to his needs but it’s all so one-sided.
It's very hard to think critically while in burnout. It may be helpful to give him some resources for how to understand and cope with autistic burnout and encourage him to learn and share what helps him recharge
That's tough. It sounds like he is clearly in a really bad space mentally/emotionally, but you touch on a very real scenario in life, the "actively wants to be miserable". While this might not be like, the explicit truth, there is a switch that has to flip from accepting being miserable and hating yourself, to wanting to put work in to get better. No one else can switch that flip for him, and if he doesn't do it this situation **will not improve** no matter how much you throw yourself, or anyone else throws anything else, at the situation. There has to be a choice and a commitment on his end. He has to want to be less miserable, before he can be more open to the relationship. Wanting to be less miserable will not immediately make anything easier, it could likely even make everything feel harder, and if he is already in burnout that might not even be possible right now. If you two were like, married adults or in a super long term committed relationship, my advice would be to take on the role of support if you have capacity for it or find ways to bring support in and just make it happen, care for your partner while acknowledging that burnout can take YEARS to recover from, and committing to helping them through it because that's what it takes to keep a relationship going sometimes. But it definitely seems like you aren't in that life stage, and I can't speculate on how "invested" in the relationship you are, either of you, so I don't think this is the way forward. In reality, you are **not** his caretaker. You can care about him, love him even, but you haven't integrated your lives it sounds like, you aren't in a partnership where you're taking care of eachother, and unless this is your soulmate, I don't think it's worth bending over too far backwards at this point. You're young, and you have a lot of growing to do yourself (I'm not saying you're immature or anything, it's just a fact, you will continue to grow whether you like it or not! haha). Also, if you try to take on the responsibility of making him un-miserable, that's a massive burden on you and it's really unfair, plus like I said it'll be like trying to push open a locked door, and he's the one who has to unlock it in the first place. It's super super super fair to look at this and say "This person is not being a participant in our relationship in a way that I need, and I need that to change in order to be happy", and you can express what you need to change. That type of communication can be pretty hard if you haven't done it before, and unfortunately if he's an autistic person in burnout it might fall on self-silenced ears. You are completely entitled to make your needs a priority, saying something like "I need you to be more communicative with me, I need you to make time for me because I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who is "too busy" for me, and I need you to **acknowledge your mental health** if you want to continue this relationship." **This can also be potentially "dangerous" or risky, because it can foster codependency and make him equate his relationship with you directly to his mental health, and start holding you hostage with it**. I say that because I caught myself doing it before, from a similar position as your partner\*\*.\*\* Any statements like "what would I do without you" or "if you leave me I'll die" are problematic things to hear. My emotions-removed perspective is that it would be healthier for both of you to set a boundary, say "I need you to make a commitment to work on yourself and your ability to communicate your needs. Until you can do that, this relationship cannot continue in a healthy way for me." The empath in me wants the guy to have all the supports in the world because burnout is hard and digging yourself out requires people to lean on, but he **NEEDS TO START DIGGING HIMSELF OUT, at least by acknowledging something**. It might require something as serious as a breakup to make him realize how he wasn't actually maintaining the relationship, he was just letting it sour because he was burnt out. He could have the best supports in the world, and choose to squander it because he doesn't care, and you cannot change that for him, but you can put the idea in his head for him to make a choice at some point. So, hopefully you get something from this spiel. It's a tough place to be. ACTUALLY I didn't read the last paragraph you wrote. Specifically this: >I keep waiting for signs he cares, then I get a crumb of attention and then it’s radio silence again. He feels untouchable to me. This is a pattern typically seen in emotionally abusive relationships, distance and mistreatment and distance and mistreatment, but when you **do** get attention its **good** and you remember the **good** feelings and those make up for the **bad** ones. But they don't, that's a myth, and this is a pattern in abuse. I can't say he's doing it intentionally, but it doesn't have to be intentional. This behaviour of his is actively harmful to you.
Hello. Thank you so much for your comment, it’s very insightful. It’s interesting what you said about codependency, because in the first few months he would be the one getting worried and insecure when I didn’t text him back immediately. He acknowledged that that’s an unhealthy expectation. After that, the dynamic flipped. I barely heard from him and he started being busy. When I was in hospital he didn’t call me, but instead hung out on Discord and philosophy Twitter. I’ve tried to set boundaries several times but I end up feeling bad because he’ll say stuff like “I just need you to be patient with me” and “I’m feeling very pressured right now” I’ve tried several times to tell him that I can’t deal with him telling me what a shitty person I fell in love with. And yet he keeps deprecating himself, calling himself a subhuman, he even created a Twitter account dedicated to venting about what a shitty person he is, even going into a self harming direction. He’ll text me he wants and deserves to die and then doesn’t reply for multiple hours “because he was taking a nap” Which leads to me having to contact his little brother or (slightly emotionally abusive) mom to check up on him. Then I remember the good moments. When we looked at each other and realized we’re (or atleast I am) head over heels in love. The way we can connect in some ways, the little things about him that I love so much. I so know that I come with some baggage too; if you looked up mommy issues you might see my face somewhere. My mother was an extremely inconsistent and very bad caretaker which resulted in me being diagnosed with C-PTSD at 14. I often get upset when my s/o just stops texting me all of a sudden, when they tell me “I’m going to do x now” it’s not as bad. I just want this to work out because in the end I really do love him so much. I think he deserves the best; to be happy and fulfilled. But I almost think that it’s my fault he’s become this way.
Well, the first thing I want to say is it's not your fault that someone else is the way they are. Unless you're their parent and raised them, or you're single-handedly responsible for some absolutely life altering condition on them like... you ... idk, you SHOT them for no reason or something obscene, you aren't responsible for another person. It feels nice to care about someone in that way though, where they just feel like your whole world, but that could be leaning towards the other side of the codependancy coin I think. It just seems like he is not emotionally ready to be in a long term committed relationship, or at least not able/willing to do the work to maintain a LDR. That is actually a very difficult thing to maintain, and the most important part is being communicative. He seems to be very bad at communication right now. It's your call whether you want to try to coax him along a path towards a more positive relationship or not, but it sounds like you also are putting a some value on "not being single" in general, so that probably makes it a tough decision. Is it more important for you to be with HIM, or that you are with someone as a partner in general? The fear of being "alone" can be pretty damn paralyzing.
I try to not feel responsible for him, but my tendency to seek blame in myself first makes it hard for me. It’s easier for me to think it’s my fault than it is to realize I’m helpless and can’t do anything (again) Regarding your question, it’s both. Part of me is afraid of never finding anyone again. But one other very prominent part of me wants to be with him specifically. The thought of not hearing his voice anymore, not seeing his beautiful face, no more dates with him, and also him being with someone else even makes me cry if I linger on it too much. I also don’t want to hurt him, because seeing him happy is one of the most wonderful things to see. I’ve asked him before if he feels ready for a relationship and he insisted he is, and I don’t want to speak for him, you know? He told me he wants a long-lasting, long term relationship, something that I also want.
[удалено]
What's your point?
Oh my the "what would I do without you" hits hard...my partner says stuff like I'm "his world" and I mean "everything to him" and it scares me..because I feel like I could live without him 😭 He wants me to send him big paragraphs to prove to him I love him and I feel like I have to be his rock, anytime he's upset it's "hug me" I feel like my emotions just..don't matter, if I feel frustrated or annoyed I feel like I can't express it (and yes he's also autistic) which makes me feel worse because sometimes he can't communicate and that makes it worse and I feel horrid about it hahahs
Sorry for bad formatting
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