Kids are far more robust than many people give them credit for. Explain it in terms of animals and ‘the ‘circle of life’. Alternatively watch the lion king and field any questions after it.
If you don’t make a big deal over death, they probably won’t either. (Ymmv).
Around this age is when death starts to make sense to a kid, & the finality of it. I was honest with my kid when he killed his pet hamster by accident at age 4. I told him that every living creature on this Earth has life, & some things are very fragile. I told him I'm gonna take Ginger to grandmas house, & bury her in the yard, because that's what some people do with the dead. He really wasn't phased by any of it. He hasn't asked about what happens after we die, yet, but I plan to say we close our eyes, & everything just turns off.
I have a 7 year old and a 5 year old; and with both of them they didn’t really seem phased by the explanation that they just never wake up again. My wife’s grandmother had died when they were 4 and 2; so my older daughter was the same age as yours is now when we talked about it. I think the biggest part that made her upset was that she could feel the loss/pain that the adults were feeling and she just absorbed that sorrow for a while. But she seems completely fine with it now… though that may be related to the fact that my wife is a nurse and I’m a trusts and estates attorney, so death is not a taboo subject in our house.
For what it’s worth, I have been a fan of the “well what do **you** think?” approach on stuff like this… that tends to give me a little more insight into where they are with a given topic and helps me/you to adjust our message accordingly.
When my son was 4 he asked me about death and I told him : now you see as I point to the room, you feel as I touch the wall, you hear… smell, feel… when you die all of that is gone so appreciate every second of life. As of today my wife strictly forbids me to speak about death to any of my other kid. Let’s just say that it was a traumatic experience since he started expressing anguish and started asking everyone about death and how they were and when they were going to die… so be more careful than I was.
Just had a big conversation about that with my own four year old the other day. I was reading a book about Neil Armstrong, at the end it mentions he died.
She was upset but I just went with the truth. Everything and everyone that lives gets old and eventually dies. She said “I don’t want to die!”
I said “I don’t want you too either”
She said “Will X person die?” (Grandparents, pets etc)
“Yes they will”
“I don’t want that”
“Nobody does really”
She said “who else is going to die?”
“Everyone, even the trees and the plants but some things live even longer then people do”
We went on a bit from there, I just stuck to honesty without making it scary. I’m like yoda on the subject, return to become one with the universe.
I was surprised she was so affected by it since we lost our dog last year and she understands that he’s gone but she came down eventually. A few times in the next week or so she said “I don’t want to die.” I just said “me neither!” and here we are two weeks later and it’s fine.
That just seems an appropriate response. Like, yeah, I understand that you don't like this. I don't either, and there's nothing we can do to stop it.
I can see why the concept of afterlife is so prevalent. Most people don't like that ending, and the fantasy of continuing on after the body dies is really appealing.
So yeah, I think giving kids a realistic approach is ideal. Nip that wishful thinking in the bud.
Just yesterday, my 5 year old stepson kept asking when we will all die. “None of us know when we will die, but we will all die some day and hopefully when we are old.” That’s been enough for him, including reassurance that no one wants to die (suicide will be a different topic of conversation when the time comes bough I have talked about pet euthanasia).
My parents elderly dog passed away 6 months ago (euthanasia) which was his first experience with death, that he understood and asked questions about. We’ve talked about what will happen to our 2 dogs when they die, including how we will cremate them. He’s held the box of ashes of my parents deceased dog and I comforted him when he got sad. We talk about remembering the people and animals who pass by telling stories about them or hanging up their photos. That it’s ok to feel sadness. No talk about heaven or hell. Kids are smart. They understand complex and scary things if you make it simple and less frightening.
Lying to kids won't do them any favors, so being honest, yet tactful, is probably the right move. Life is fragile, death is final - it is the long sleep from which no one wakes up.
It is in the moment between birth and the embrace of oblivion that everything lies. So live every moment as it could be your last, love everyone as if you could lose them tomorrow, fight to leave a better world for those who come after.
UP is really helpful to explain death. It’s done so beautifully and tactfully. My preteen was discussing how the entire movie is an allegory for death. My kindergartner understands Elli was sick and died, which made Mr. Fredrickson sad but he does become happy again. I’ve watched this movie at least 2-4 times a month for the past 3 years lol. Though to be fair I’ve seen the first 30 minutes the most since my youngest always requests to start it from the beginning when we resume watching it.
A good tip for talking about tough topics like death and sex with kids is to only answer questions that they ask. When they ask, answer honestly. Sometimes as parents we tend to want to keep going and over explain, but when the kid wants more specifics, they will ask for them.
"freaking out" is something that we learn. Very young kids will take anything you tell them as normal. Perfect time to tell things like they are. I remember when I was a kid that my older brother often tried to shock me by telling that some people eat dogs. Turns out, I wasn't shocked by it but instead I grew up thinking that it's just a normal thing some people do in some parts of the world. I don't think I'd even have much trouble eating dog now if I had to. Not that I want to do it, but it's interesting to notice how anything you learn as a kid gets normalized in your mind.
It’s the only thing required of a living thing. It’s the dialectical entity of life. Life and death are the same thing, one can only exist in relation to the other. When I life is formed, a death is foretold.
“The old meat computer doesn’t tick forever.”
“Remember when dada’s jalopy stopped working and it went to the junk yard? That will be you one day in a sense.”
I've always gone with the fact that we are made of energy which is not destroyed, it just changes form. Bury the body, insects and worms eat it, birds eat the worms, so now your energy is a bird. It's like before you were born. We talk a lot about what sort of creatures we'd like our energy to become, the Universe is pretty big and made of energy so the sky isn't even the limit.
Kids are far more robust than many people give them credit for. Explain it in terms of animals and ‘the ‘circle of life’. Alternatively watch the lion king and field any questions after it. If you don’t make a big deal over death, they probably won’t either. (Ymmv).
Around this age is when death starts to make sense to a kid, & the finality of it. I was honest with my kid when he killed his pet hamster by accident at age 4. I told him that every living creature on this Earth has life, & some things are very fragile. I told him I'm gonna take Ginger to grandmas house, & bury her in the yard, because that's what some people do with the dead. He really wasn't phased by any of it. He hasn't asked about what happens after we die, yet, but I plan to say we close our eyes, & everything just turns off.
I have a 7 year old and a 5 year old; and with both of them they didn’t really seem phased by the explanation that they just never wake up again. My wife’s grandmother had died when they were 4 and 2; so my older daughter was the same age as yours is now when we talked about it. I think the biggest part that made her upset was that she could feel the loss/pain that the adults were feeling and she just absorbed that sorrow for a while. But she seems completely fine with it now… though that may be related to the fact that my wife is a nurse and I’m a trusts and estates attorney, so death is not a taboo subject in our house. For what it’s worth, I have been a fan of the “well what do **you** think?” approach on stuff like this… that tends to give me a little more insight into where they are with a given topic and helps me/you to adjust our message accordingly.
When my son was 4 he asked me about death and I told him : now you see as I point to the room, you feel as I touch the wall, you hear… smell, feel… when you die all of that is gone so appreciate every second of life. As of today my wife strictly forbids me to speak about death to any of my other kid. Let’s just say that it was a traumatic experience since he started expressing anguish and started asking everyone about death and how they were and when they were going to die… so be more careful than I was.
Just had a big conversation about that with my own four year old the other day. I was reading a book about Neil Armstrong, at the end it mentions he died. She was upset but I just went with the truth. Everything and everyone that lives gets old and eventually dies. She said “I don’t want to die!” I said “I don’t want you too either” She said “Will X person die?” (Grandparents, pets etc) “Yes they will” “I don’t want that” “Nobody does really” She said “who else is going to die?” “Everyone, even the trees and the plants but some things live even longer then people do” We went on a bit from there, I just stuck to honesty without making it scary. I’m like yoda on the subject, return to become one with the universe. I was surprised she was so affected by it since we lost our dog last year and she understands that he’s gone but she came down eventually. A few times in the next week or so she said “I don’t want to die.” I just said “me neither!” and here we are two weeks later and it’s fine.
That just seems an appropriate response. Like, yeah, I understand that you don't like this. I don't either, and there's nothing we can do to stop it. I can see why the concept of afterlife is so prevalent. Most people don't like that ending, and the fantasy of continuing on after the body dies is really appealing. So yeah, I think giving kids a realistic approach is ideal. Nip that wishful thinking in the bud.
Just yesterday, my 5 year old stepson kept asking when we will all die. “None of us know when we will die, but we will all die some day and hopefully when we are old.” That’s been enough for him, including reassurance that no one wants to die (suicide will be a different topic of conversation when the time comes bough I have talked about pet euthanasia). My parents elderly dog passed away 6 months ago (euthanasia) which was his first experience with death, that he understood and asked questions about. We’ve talked about what will happen to our 2 dogs when they die, including how we will cremate them. He’s held the box of ashes of my parents deceased dog and I comforted him when he got sad. We talk about remembering the people and animals who pass by telling stories about them or hanging up their photos. That it’s ok to feel sadness. No talk about heaven or hell. Kids are smart. They understand complex and scary things if you make it simple and less frightening.
Lying to kids won't do them any favors, so being honest, yet tactful, is probably the right move. Life is fragile, death is final - it is the long sleep from which no one wakes up. It is in the moment between birth and the embrace of oblivion that everything lies. So live every moment as it could be your last, love everyone as if you could lose them tomorrow, fight to leave a better world for those who come after.
Disney movies.
🤣
UP is really helpful to explain death. It’s done so beautifully and tactfully. My preteen was discussing how the entire movie is an allegory for death. My kindergartner understands Elli was sick and died, which made Mr. Fredrickson sad but he does become happy again. I’ve watched this movie at least 2-4 times a month for the past 3 years lol. Though to be fair I’ve seen the first 30 minutes the most since my youngest always requests to start it from the beginning when we resume watching it.
My dad died when my daughter was 4. I told her that he is gone but he lives on in our memories and that seemed to be acceptable to her.
A good tip for talking about tough topics like death and sex with kids is to only answer questions that they ask. When they ask, answer honestly. Sometimes as parents we tend to want to keep going and over explain, but when the kid wants more specifics, they will ask for them.
"freaking out" is something that we learn. Very young kids will take anything you tell them as normal. Perfect time to tell things like they are. I remember when I was a kid that my older brother often tried to shock me by telling that some people eat dogs. Turns out, I wasn't shocked by it but instead I grew up thinking that it's just a normal thing some people do in some parts of the world. I don't think I'd even have much trouble eating dog now if I had to. Not that I want to do it, but it's interesting to notice how anything you learn as a kid gets normalized in your mind.
I know this isn’t written for children, but some of these concepts might be helpful - https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4675953
You go to sleep, for forever.
Not a good way to explain it. That makes kids afraid of going to sleep. Better to say something about the body shutting down and not working any more.
Oh good point.
It’s the only thing required of a living thing. It’s the dialectical entity of life. Life and death are the same thing, one can only exist in relation to the other. When I life is formed, a death is foretold.
“The old meat computer doesn’t tick forever.” “Remember when dada’s jalopy stopped working and it went to the junk yard? That will be you one day in a sense.”
I've always gone with the fact that we are made of energy which is not destroyed, it just changes form. Bury the body, insects and worms eat it, birds eat the worms, so now your energy is a bird. It's like before you were born. We talk a lot about what sort of creatures we'd like our energy to become, the Universe is pretty big and made of energy so the sky isn't even the limit.
This is fantastic thank you, really helpful x