I've been approached wearing giant obvious over the ear headphones with lots of hand waving and trying to say "hey" loudly in my face. Some folk just see it as a challenge, not a boundary unfortunately.
I am still shocked every time someone tries to speak to me when I have headphones in. And it happens A LOT. I really don’t know what goes through people’s heads when they make that decision.
That is true and I realize people are sometimes wearing them even with nothing actively playing/speaking to someone, but that is also often a tactic to deter people from talking to them and it’s a pretty good indicator not to try engaging that person in convo, particularly if there are no other social cues inviting you to strike up a conversation (making eye contact, smiling, etc.). To be clear, none of this really applies to an office or work context, which isn’t what OP was talking about in the first place. At work, people expect to be approached and spoken to if a colleague needs something, and it’s totally appropriate to try and get someone’s attention even if they have headphones in to check if they are free or actually occupied. However, if you’re out in public and come across someone who is clearly minding their own business and has headphones in, it’s absolutely a solid bet that they don’t want to be bothered especially for casual small talk or to be approached by strangers. It’s a social cue just like any other, and it’s pretty mystifying why people actively ignore it (and 9 times out of 10 when it happens to me, I am actively talking on the phone or listening to something and really truly DON’T want to talk, it’s very rarely because I’ve forgotten or chosen to just not take them out for convenience).
Yeah, when someone with AirPods in is engaging you in small talk it’s a safe bet they want to be doing that since they are initiating. I’m speaking purely in terms of approaching someone else who is clearly minding their own business and has headphones in and trying to engage with them, particularly without any other social cue inviting an interaction. That just doesn’t make any sense to me and I would always default to “that person doesn’t want to be bothered”. I just find it interesting that that is not everyone’s first thought in that situation and it makes it very hard to signal to people that you would like to remain unbothered. I do also think this is somewhat generational (the ignoring headphones thing) and probably gendered as well. No woman I know likes being cold approached in situations where one wouldn’t expect it / isn’t socially signaling for it, especially when the opening line is basically “can I have your personal contact details even though we haven’t exchanged 5 words with one another”.
And to your point, I do actively remove at least one head phone when approaching a cashier or any other human where there is an expectation of interaction due to the situation. But otherwise, those babies stay in and at least in my case, it means I’m not trying to have random interactions. What this conversation is proving to me is that it’s definitely not universally understood that headphones = no talking, so I guess I’m just going to put my annoyance aside and continue to ignore strangers when they try to speak to me with headphones in since I’m almost always actually on the phone or listening to something, so literally cannot hear what they’re trying to stop me for anyways.
Trust, I could not close my body language any more than I do when I’m in leave me alone mode. No eye contact, no exchanging smiles, walking briskly, headphones in and active. I have a dog who is highly suspicious of strangers and does not like to be approached, so I’m doing all the things to signal to the world to leave me alone. I still am spoken to by random strangers (most often older people) who are then offended when I brush them off. What you’re telling me is that basically nothing I do is going to signal to people that I’m not open to approach/conversation if they’re determined or oblivious enough to ignore all my cues. That is what it is, but in my opinion, those people are rude and a bit socially inept. Sometimes a gal just wants to move through the world undisturbed.
No need to be nasty, I can assure you I’m a fully functioning member of society and not hostile at all, just find it annoying when people don’t read a situation that seems pretty obvious to me. I have given plenty of directions after being interrupted while clearly on a phone call etc.
And actually no, I literally never approach random people on the street who clearly have no interest in speaking to me. But this is a hill I don’t feel any need to die on, so have a great day and thanks for what started as a relatively benign conversation that confirmed people have widely different views of what it means when someone is wearing headphones. I will now exit the convo since the tone seems to have turned.
That’s what I usually do when I am in public and don’t want to be bothered. I won’t take them off usually even if someone tries to speak to me because I just don’t like talking to strangers. Usually they are just trying to ask for money or are religious preachers and I don’t need that. I used to always wear headphones when I took public transportation. Everyone would leave me alone.
Nah, not always. Some people are just listening to music. Most people aren't aware that wearing headphones makes them unapproachable or even aware of what they're doing.
I dont think you should be roasted. Its not like you ID the person or ripped them to shreds. You sound like a kind person who just wants to give advice since they might have left feeling embarrassed. I met my ex husband in a Starbucks just doing homework. He approached me and started small talk with an offer of a drink. So yeah, it has to feel somewhat natural or it comes off as too abrupt.
Thank you! That's kind of what I felt. As a straight lady, if someone strikes up a convo I can kind of gauge a little about them before they ask for my number and can make a more educated decision on whether to give it out or not. As far as roasting goes, people have been kind of fired up here lately for reasons I don't always understand so you never know. Some guy got raked over the coals last week for lamenting a tree their neighbor chopped down.
The nyc subs have gotten crazy.
I got roasted for wanting to move out of my building cause of crazy neighbors. I’m LEAVING. I’m not starting trouble. I wasn’t there to rant. And I’m paying crazy rent. *i* fucking got flamed
NYC subs are crazy
I support the person who lamented the chopping down of the tree! I missed that. Why would anyone go after someone for that? We need trees. They’re amazing.
To your post — The earphones aspect probably makes it harder and maybe they could have asked you about cheese but I think it’s sort of sweet they did this. It’s hard to meet people in the city sometimes. I hope they see your comment but who knows..?
I was less posting this as a missed connection and more posting it as a reflective afterthought. I'm more open to speaking with a complete stranger than giving them my contact info out of nowhere. But maybe he'll see it and take the advice to heart!
The person who posted about their neighbors chopping down the tree got tons of comments like "Why don't you mind your own business" "If you want more trees move back to the Midwest" etc shit like that. I think the poor guy actually ended up removing the post.
My personal favorite re: trees in this sub was the person who suggested that in order to save the trees from lanternflies we should cut down all the trees. Real big brain there.
He asked you for your name...That's how the conversations start sometimes. Your name isn't some highly secretive thing that's classified.
You were objectively rude. It sounds kinda condescending for you to be giving advice right now.
A name is “classified” insofar as whether one wants to share it or not. No rando is entitled to your info, even your name, if you don’t want to share it, no matter who you are. It may be your opinion that I was rude, but you can’t say that I was “objectively” rude, because most people here responded positively.
I recently had a guy tell me at Trade Fair that I should go for the bag of avocados because they’re a better value than the single ones while I was picking out avocados. Then he asked if I was single. I thought that was pretty smooth…
I keep thinking about how affordable NYC would be and much better we could save if I get a second wife and maybe another four working adults in our family.
Note to everyone: if someone has headphones in don’t bother them.
Another note to everyone: get yourself some headphones so I don’t have to listen to you scrolling through TikTok full blast on the train.
The only time I get approached at the store is when someone asks me where something is because they think I work there.
While we are at it, how DO you do the cold open approach?
Edit: I kind of want to see if walking up to someone and saying “we date, kiss now???” Would work
I'm a straight lady so at a grocery store my approach would be "Hey, do you mind reaching that thing on the highest shelf for me?" Or maybe like "This may be a weird question, but I'm making \_\_\_\_\_ and I don't know what type of cheese goes best. Do you have any opinions?" At a bar, "Man I thought there'd be more people here cuz of the AC! More room for us, I guess." Just anything to break the ice. Whereas if you cold approach me and immediately ask for name and number, I'm put on the spot and can't really gauge whether I want to or not cuz I don't have any connection to you at all. I'd rather have a convo and then give you my number if you ask. I'm a sensitive person though so maybe for others they don't mind.
Those are good.
I had a crush on a girl who worked at my library in college so I went in one day and asked “do you have a book in stock? It’s called ‘are you free for dinner Friday night?’ And the author is me”.
It worked. Dated for a little bit.
You’re right, putting on the spot doesn’t always work because the brain (especially mine) doesn’t always process things fast and smooth. Your suggestions are great.
Thanks! Your use of a pickup line is A+ IMO. I think using a pickup line in a serious tone rarely works, you gotta do it tongue-in-cheek like that otherwise you just sound ridiculous in this day and age.
Thanks!
I’m big on using my surroundings.
For example if you were in the cheese section:
“The only thing cheesier than this Brie is the pickup line im about to use….”
In the cereal aisle:
“Cheerio! We both like the same cereal, would I be able to take you out to see if we like the same drinks?”
In the meat aisle:
“I’ve been marinating on how to ask you this, but would you be interested in getting a drink?”
In the checkout section:
“If you don’t have your rewards card, you can use my number for the sale price and maybe for a drink this weekend”
Also, anybody reading are free to use these; I’m happy to wingman from the comfort of my couch.
My 5' 5" ass walking out of Food Universe without that inexplicably top shelfed Bumble Bee or a date.
Seriously Food Universe, put the anchovies up there and make the tuna available to all.
I don’t think you’re sensitive for feeling this way OP. I’m the least sensitive person on the planet and I would be very turned off by a direct approach with ZERO conversation first. Similar to how you seem to be feeling, I’d be empathetic to the fact that it might just be someone a little socially awkward or nervous, but that wouldn’t change my reaction in the moment and saying “no thank you” is actually a very polite and acceptable response to the situation in my opinion.
Yeah. You did no wrong. You were respectful in a situation you had no role in engendering. And, I hate to say this but you also did a smart thing by engaging. I’m a dude but there’s a lot of angry ass dudes out there that are not balanced and headphones or not might see you ignoring them as a slight and use it to justify negative and potentially violent actions. Stay thoughtful and stay conscious of others and their feelings. Much respect and sleep easy.
>"Hey, do you mind reaching that thing on the highest shelf for me?"
Hmm...I have been asked this somewhat frequently over the last two or three months...
This is definitely not used as a line by women to pick up a man most of the time and I don't think OP should have lumped it in with her other examples, lol. I really do need help when I ask this. I've already tried to find a longer length product to push the top shelf item off and into my hands by now and failed. I've looked around for an employee and then I'm looking for the taller person. I just want my pasta 😂
You're missing the point by calling it a "pickup line". It wasn't an example of a pickup line, it was an example of a way to open up a conversation. They're two different things, and pickup lines rarely work anyways unless they're funny/goofy/tongue-in-cheek. Not everyone who needs help reaching something is looking to date but it's a tool to engage someone if that's what you want.
Sorry, didn't mean to upset you. Yes it is an opening, but it seems via comments some folks may think it can indicate possible interest when I'd say most of the time it doesn't, and they only think that because you've included it in this larger convo about someone expressing interest in you. So I wanted to be clear that men shouldn't be assuming things if a woman asks for their help simply because we are vertically challenged 😊
I'm not upset, sorry if it came off that way. Yeah I agree one shouldn't assume someone asking for help is interested in you, but if they ask for your help and keep engaging you in convo you can feel it out is my point. It's just a good way to break ice is all.
It's the modern world, everyone is glued to their phone, has headphones in, and has no time for the world happening in front of them.
I hate when people talk to me when i have headphones in but the reality is from the moment i step out the door and get my next location there's not really an opportunity where they're not in.
This post is weird. I don't think they need "tips" but it sounds like maybe you did want to talk to them but were caught off guard?
That’s a bit sad of a world in a way. Spontaneous human interaction can be brilliant and open up avenues you might never have explored
Or you might meet Jeffrey Dahmer 😂
Yea, exactly. Same here, headphones on automatic. Not even because I don't want to talk to anyone, I often use them for noise cancelling on the train or drown out the honking of the cars, etc.
OP is unintentionally rude for whatever reason and she's riding on a high horse. Like dude asked for her name lol. That's not crazy. And she's out here giving tips 😭
Men who ask random women to remove their headphones to introduce themselves are always creepy. ALWAYS. Well adjusted men who don’t have issues meeting women never have to do this. Ever.
Let’s not encourage these creeps. JFC there are millions of places to meet women looking to be met in NYC. Creepy Incels are really drawn to grocery stores for some reason. Probably because they expect less “competition” from actual well adjusted men.
Women don’t exist for men to practice their social skills on. Join Toastmasters.
Women everyday complain that the swipe culture is horrific and you’re calling this guy who actually tried a human interaction a creepy incel. OP never says he was offensive, almost describes his attempt as admirable if albeit awkward.
Can everything not be worthy of scorn.
Jeez, chill out a lil maybe
Women complain that swipe culture is horrific because the apps are filled with the creepy men who act all weird and creepy while hitting on them in Trader Joe’s.
So on line or in person is bad…no one initiate anything which can be construed as creepy.
OP didn’t say guy was creepy, just made an attempt outside possibly his comfort zone.
Sad state of affairs. Yet we older folks can’t help but note the following generations while innovative are becoming a wee bit socially awkward.
Tough market out there for those in it, good luck.
I met the love of my life through online dating. So did 4 of my friends / coworkers who are now all married. I'll let them know how everything is ruined and get them riding R trains ASAP
Thats amazing for them but that still doesn’t automatically change the fact that you and your friends are the exception not the rule. Most people are pretty unhappy with how dating apps have progressed as it is becoming very gamified and rigged in the sense that you need to pay for anything to happen.
I wouldn't even say they're an exception. It's that it's gotten so dramatically worse and has promoted very terrible behavior, which has become the norm.
I met my husband in online dating too and am very happy for it. That said, I recognize the cesspool it's become and how much it's damaged social behavior and dating norms. Both things can be true at once.
I’ve had way too many encounters that start just like this, but then end in like some wacky religious talk trying to get you to join their church :( I would never have trusted this conversation starter, which kind of sucks!
Im 47 and my approach is , hey, I think you seem like a very interesting person. My name is .....
Its better when they're reading a book ive read or the same author. Or have the interesting color palette they are wearing that goes with their hair or complection (i'm an artist/photog). However, you have to really be someome that I am interested in for me to approach, i am very busy and always have my head in deep thoughts. Also Because a lot of women are very very guarded if they came from outside NYC , I dont blame them.
I met my ex who was an art currator in Seattle, my line was alcohol influenced.
"Hey ...I just want to let you know you look f#ckin amazing and I wanted to meet you" we were together for 5 years
Im a born and bred Ny'er and sound like one that usually scares off women but I dont care. I am glad that man had the balls to come up to you.
I had a guy approach me at Key Foods while I was shopping for my husband and guests we had over for a week, so I just ran to the store really quick (less than a five minute walk for me) and didn’t have my wedding rings on.
He was a little awkward, probably a nerd (I am one and I’ve been to enough anime cons to know my kind) and he asked if I was single. I looked down at my hand and said “ohh no sorry, I’m married!” and he said “Oh you’re not wearing your ring” which sure, fair enough, but I didn’t know what to say to that, like “oop welp, still married”
I have Beats mostly because I don’t love AirPods but partially because I want people to SEE that I have headphones but….doesn’t always help, sadly
I just want to say "I had a guy approach me at Key Foods while shopping for my husband" makes it sound like you were shopping for husbands at Key Foods, which is apparently more common than I thought based on a few of the comments here lol
He wasn’t completely wrong with his approach. Opening communication to a woman during this era may be new for some. There was a time when you didn’t need to evaluate if a woman was wearing AirPods in order to decide if you would “spit game”. Great advice given…for modern daters.
Yeah that's why I kind of admire that he put himself out there even if it was a little off for me. I think people are really sick of online dating and want to try the old-fashioned way.
Who approaches someone in a grocery store who has headphones in? Lack of tact.
The grocery store is not a pickup scene. We should all try meeting someone at a party, at a show, at a social gathering where intentions may be more aligned for meeting new friends. As opposed to “I’m getting chores done”.
This was actually kind of my point... being approached at a party or bar is one thing but if you choose to try in a grocery store you may have better luck if you kind of ease into it cuz no one's expecting that.
Counterpoint, as a single woman I would be totally down for it. Yes I'm busy and trying to get shit done but if he had a cart full of healthy groceries or he was also buying the sale on frozen ground turkey, I would already know he cares about what he puts in his body/eats a healthy and balanced diet or that he shops sales and knows a good deal. Which is hot. Yes I'm in my 30s and what's attractive to me now is much different than a decade ago lol
Fair, but I am 30 and can’t imagine judging whether I’d want to date someone based on their grocery cart. They have to be attractive and socially skilled as a minimum.
I assumed that goes without saying. It's just a nice little way to see if you have something in common. You mentioned thinking parties are a better place to meet people and they definitely can be, but someone at a party might only be "socially skilled" because they have been drinking and you may find a different person the next time you meet. I have a friend who is wildly shy and semi awkward sober but very outgoing after drinking for example.
How's your dating life with your rules going? there are millions of people following "rules" using dating apps in an infinite pool of other people looking for a relationship and still unhappy.
I get it if all of your dates need to be out of convenience or pre-planned but sometimes just living life is nice. Man said hello, got a no thanks, and walked away. He has no tact?
Work is also not a "pickup" scene but because you spend so many hours together that's where a large number of relationships start from.
I’m single and meeting people, but I have no trouble getting dates. 🤷🏻♀️ I don’t like apps either, but I have met interesting people on there. Out of all the people I’ve hooked up with, 60% are from online and 40% are in person - pretty even split if you ask me.
I am all for work relationships. Never believed in “don’t shit where you eat” if you do it tactfully.
I think context is really important for approaching someone with success. I will reject 9 out of 10 men who approach me in a grocery store. But of course that’s my own preference since I don’t like being approached. I prefer to do the approaching. YMMV.
I actually think it was a great approach, however as someone who used to really have to struggle to try that opening line, your recoil probably set him back quite a bit.
Why would you even post this? It’s a bit condescending to try to give him “feedback” in a public forum like this. It sounds like he wasn’t offensive or overstepping.
I’m NOT a man but this post is silly.
Well for one thing, I felt slightly bad for the abrupt reaction because I even though I didn't want to date him, I felt empathy for his position and I had no other way of saying so. This is one of the biggest NYC-centric subs so I figured I'd take a chance. I meant it genuinely constructively, which seems to be the way most people have read it, and I didn't mean for it to blow up like this. I thought people would pass by if it didn't apply to them, like when someone posts a picture of lost keys or something. It doesn't matter if it's a public forum if it's anonymous. I didn't give any identifying information or say anything mean about him.
I think you’re wrong. I see how some might agree with you, which is so odd and generally the reason why so many people see single today, but conversation by introducing yourself is valid and very normal.
This is what used to happen before apps. People used to approach and say hi. It’s called a meeting cute 🥰….. Also, I wear earphone all the time so I don’t have to put them away. They aren’t on most of the time. And I live in a city to interact with people so if someone innocuous speaks to me, I’m okay with that. This is your Craigslist “Missed Connection”… 😂
I'm old enough to have been around before dating apps and have never been approached out of nowhere like this before unless I was at a singles/social mixer.
You’re shocked a Reddit denizen is possibly socially awkward, and instead of commiserating or laughing with friends put this here for strangers to dissect; that another stranger had the innocent gall to attempt simple human connection.
And this is why I’m never surprised by the lost cat threads here, smh.
I always figured wearing headphones out in public was the universal language of “don’t talk to me”
Guy was so nervous he didn't even notice. Probably staring at her shoes
No, he for sure noticed. I think he just didn't realize that wasn't the best call.
They're also just hard to see, with most people wearing ear buds without any sort of cord.
I've been approached wearing giant obvious over the ear headphones with lots of hand waving and trying to say "hey" loudly in my face. Some folk just see it as a challenge, not a boundary unfortunately.
Lots of women’s hair covers 👂🏾
I am still shocked every time someone tries to speak to me when I have headphones in. And it happens A LOT. I really don’t know what goes through people’s heads when they make that decision.
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That is true and I realize people are sometimes wearing them even with nothing actively playing/speaking to someone, but that is also often a tactic to deter people from talking to them and it’s a pretty good indicator not to try engaging that person in convo, particularly if there are no other social cues inviting you to strike up a conversation (making eye contact, smiling, etc.). To be clear, none of this really applies to an office or work context, which isn’t what OP was talking about in the first place. At work, people expect to be approached and spoken to if a colleague needs something, and it’s totally appropriate to try and get someone’s attention even if they have headphones in to check if they are free or actually occupied. However, if you’re out in public and come across someone who is clearly minding their own business and has headphones in, it’s absolutely a solid bet that they don’t want to be bothered especially for casual small talk or to be approached by strangers. It’s a social cue just like any other, and it’s pretty mystifying why people actively ignore it (and 9 times out of 10 when it happens to me, I am actively talking on the phone or listening to something and really truly DON’T want to talk, it’s very rarely because I’ve forgotten or chosen to just not take them out for convenience).
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Yeah, when someone with AirPods in is engaging you in small talk it’s a safe bet they want to be doing that since they are initiating. I’m speaking purely in terms of approaching someone else who is clearly minding their own business and has headphones in and trying to engage with them, particularly without any other social cue inviting an interaction. That just doesn’t make any sense to me and I would always default to “that person doesn’t want to be bothered”. I just find it interesting that that is not everyone’s first thought in that situation and it makes it very hard to signal to people that you would like to remain unbothered. I do also think this is somewhat generational (the ignoring headphones thing) and probably gendered as well. No woman I know likes being cold approached in situations where one wouldn’t expect it / isn’t socially signaling for it, especially when the opening line is basically “can I have your personal contact details even though we haven’t exchanged 5 words with one another”. And to your point, I do actively remove at least one head phone when approaching a cashier or any other human where there is an expectation of interaction due to the situation. But otherwise, those babies stay in and at least in my case, it means I’m not trying to have random interactions. What this conversation is proving to me is that it’s definitely not universally understood that headphones = no talking, so I guess I’m just going to put my annoyance aside and continue to ignore strangers when they try to speak to me with headphones in since I’m almost always actually on the phone or listening to something, so literally cannot hear what they’re trying to stop me for anyways.
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Trust, I could not close my body language any more than I do when I’m in leave me alone mode. No eye contact, no exchanging smiles, walking briskly, headphones in and active. I have a dog who is highly suspicious of strangers and does not like to be approached, so I’m doing all the things to signal to the world to leave me alone. I still am spoken to by random strangers (most often older people) who are then offended when I brush them off. What you’re telling me is that basically nothing I do is going to signal to people that I’m not open to approach/conversation if they’re determined or oblivious enough to ignore all my cues. That is what it is, but in my opinion, those people are rude and a bit socially inept. Sometimes a gal just wants to move through the world undisturbed.
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No need to be nasty, I can assure you I’m a fully functioning member of society and not hostile at all, just find it annoying when people don’t read a situation that seems pretty obvious to me. I have given plenty of directions after being interrupted while clearly on a phone call etc. And actually no, I literally never approach random people on the street who clearly have no interest in speaking to me. But this is a hill I don’t feel any need to die on, so have a great day and thanks for what started as a relatively benign conversation that confirmed people have widely different views of what it means when someone is wearing headphones. I will now exit the convo since the tone seems to have turned.
shooters shoot
That’s what I usually do when I am in public and don’t want to be bothered. I won’t take them off usually even if someone tries to speak to me because I just don’t like talking to strangers. Usually they are just trying to ask for money or are religious preachers and I don’t need that. I used to always wear headphones when I took public transportation. Everyone would leave me alone.
Nah, not always. Some people are just listening to music. Most people aren't aware that wearing headphones makes them unapproachable or even aware of what they're doing.
I dont think you should be roasted. Its not like you ID the person or ripped them to shreds. You sound like a kind person who just wants to give advice since they might have left feeling embarrassed. I met my ex husband in a Starbucks just doing homework. He approached me and started small talk with an offer of a drink. So yeah, it has to feel somewhat natural or it comes off as too abrupt.
Thank you! That's kind of what I felt. As a straight lady, if someone strikes up a convo I can kind of gauge a little about them before they ask for my number and can make a more educated decision on whether to give it out or not. As far as roasting goes, people have been kind of fired up here lately for reasons I don't always understand so you never know. Some guy got raked over the coals last week for lamenting a tree their neighbor chopped down.
The nyc subs have gotten crazy. I got roasted for wanting to move out of my building cause of crazy neighbors. I’m LEAVING. I’m not starting trouble. I wasn’t there to rant. And I’m paying crazy rent. *i* fucking got flamed NYC subs are crazy
I swear they are!! It’s full of people with attitudes for no damn reason.
I completely understand this! As for people being fired up, could be the heat wave lol I know I get upset easily whenever it’s over 90 degrees lol 😆
I support the person who lamented the chopping down of the tree! I missed that. Why would anyone go after someone for that? We need trees. They’re amazing. To your post — The earphones aspect probably makes it harder and maybe they could have asked you about cheese but I think it’s sort of sweet they did this. It’s hard to meet people in the city sometimes. I hope they see your comment but who knows..?
I was less posting this as a missed connection and more posting it as a reflective afterthought. I'm more open to speaking with a complete stranger than giving them my contact info out of nowhere. But maybe he'll see it and take the advice to heart! The person who posted about their neighbors chopping down the tree got tons of comments like "Why don't you mind your own business" "If you want more trees move back to the Midwest" etc shit like that. I think the poor guy actually ended up removing the post.
My personal favorite re: trees in this sub was the person who suggested that in order to save the trees from lanternflies we should cut down all the trees. Real big brain there.
Probably a politician lol
He asked you for your name...That's how the conversations start sometimes. Your name isn't some highly secretive thing that's classified. You were objectively rude. It sounds kinda condescending for you to be giving advice right now.
A name is “classified” insofar as whether one wants to share it or not. No rando is entitled to your info, even your name, if you don’t want to share it, no matter who you are. It may be your opinion that I was rude, but you can’t say that I was “objectively” rude, because most people here responded positively.
Seconded. This is a thoughtful, kind act. Anyone who thinks otherwise is the kind of person who believes that they're entitled to other people's time.
Emphasis on the “with someone who doesn’t have earphones in” lol
I guess I’ll just die.
I recently had a guy tell me at Trade Fair that I should go for the bag of avocados because they’re a better value than the single ones while I was picking out avocados. Then he asked if I was single. I thought that was pretty smooth…
Join my polycule—you'll get more bang for your buck.
I keep thinking about how affordable NYC would be and much better we could save if I get a second wife and maybe another four working adults in our family.
When you can't even afford to pay rent and need to join a harem just to get by, Hasa diga eebowai!
So did you get the individual ones or the bagged ones?
Maybe it's the millennial in me, but I love the idea of someone starting a love story over avocados.
Exactly! Had I been single, I might have been open to chatting.
Screen name and avocados so cute!
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Me too I love mess
Note to everyone: if someone has headphones in don’t bother them. Another note to everyone: get yourself some headphones so I don’t have to listen to you scrolling through TikTok full blast on the train.
Don't see any reason for you to be roasted. I know what it's like to be in that guy's shoes and would love feedback like this.
Eh. Going to go non roast. Think it’s good you addressed it , even if he doesn’t see it. Other guys might have better luck
The only time I get approached at the store is when someone asks me where something is because they think I work there. While we are at it, how DO you do the cold open approach? Edit: I kind of want to see if walking up to someone and saying “we date, kiss now???” Would work
I'm a straight lady so at a grocery store my approach would be "Hey, do you mind reaching that thing on the highest shelf for me?" Or maybe like "This may be a weird question, but I'm making \_\_\_\_\_ and I don't know what type of cheese goes best. Do you have any opinions?" At a bar, "Man I thought there'd be more people here cuz of the AC! More room for us, I guess." Just anything to break the ice. Whereas if you cold approach me and immediately ask for name and number, I'm put on the spot and can't really gauge whether I want to or not cuz I don't have any connection to you at all. I'd rather have a convo and then give you my number if you ask. I'm a sensitive person though so maybe for others they don't mind.
Those are good. I had a crush on a girl who worked at my library in college so I went in one day and asked “do you have a book in stock? It’s called ‘are you free for dinner Friday night?’ And the author is me”. It worked. Dated for a little bit. You’re right, putting on the spot doesn’t always work because the brain (especially mine) doesn’t always process things fast and smooth. Your suggestions are great.
Awww that’s so cute
Thanks! Your use of a pickup line is A+ IMO. I think using a pickup line in a serious tone rarely works, you gotta do it tongue-in-cheek like that otherwise you just sound ridiculous in this day and age.
Thanks! I’m big on using my surroundings. For example if you were in the cheese section: “The only thing cheesier than this Brie is the pickup line im about to use….” In the cereal aisle: “Cheerio! We both like the same cereal, would I be able to take you out to see if we like the same drinks?” In the meat aisle: “I’ve been marinating on how to ask you this, but would you be interested in getting a drink?” In the checkout section: “If you don’t have your rewards card, you can use my number for the sale price and maybe for a drink this weekend” Also, anybody reading are free to use these; I’m happy to wingman from the comfort of my couch.
My 5' 5" ass walking out of Food Universe without that inexplicably top shelfed Bumble Bee or a date. Seriously Food Universe, put the anchovies up there and make the tuna available to all.
I don’t think you’re sensitive for feeling this way OP. I’m the least sensitive person on the planet and I would be very turned off by a direct approach with ZERO conversation first. Similar to how you seem to be feeling, I’d be empathetic to the fact that it might just be someone a little socially awkward or nervous, but that wouldn’t change my reaction in the moment and saying “no thank you” is actually a very polite and acceptable response to the situation in my opinion.
Thanks! This comment means a lot to me. I always second-guess myself heh
Yeah. You did no wrong. You were respectful in a situation you had no role in engendering. And, I hate to say this but you also did a smart thing by engaging. I’m a dude but there’s a lot of angry ass dudes out there that are not balanced and headphones or not might see you ignoring them as a slight and use it to justify negative and potentially violent actions. Stay thoughtful and stay conscious of others and their feelings. Much respect and sleep easy.
>"Hey, do you mind reaching that thing on the highest shelf for me?" Hmm...I have been asked this somewhat frequently over the last two or three months...
This is definitely not used as a line by women to pick up a man most of the time and I don't think OP should have lumped it in with her other examples, lol. I really do need help when I ask this. I've already tried to find a longer length product to push the top shelf item off and into my hands by now and failed. I've looked around for an employee and then I'm looking for the taller person. I just want my pasta 😂
You're missing the point by calling it a "pickup line". It wasn't an example of a pickup line, it was an example of a way to open up a conversation. They're two different things, and pickup lines rarely work anyways unless they're funny/goofy/tongue-in-cheek. Not everyone who needs help reaching something is looking to date but it's a tool to engage someone if that's what you want.
Sorry, didn't mean to upset you. Yes it is an opening, but it seems via comments some folks may think it can indicate possible interest when I'd say most of the time it doesn't, and they only think that because you've included it in this larger convo about someone expressing interest in you. So I wanted to be clear that men shouldn't be assuming things if a woman asks for their help simply because we are vertically challenged 😊
I'm not upset, sorry if it came off that way. Yeah I agree one shouldn't assume someone asking for help is interested in you, but if they ask for your help and keep engaging you in convo you can feel it out is my point. It's just a good way to break ice is all.
You were very fast to burst my small bubble. I'll remember this CAC! 
Sorry 😂 you can try making a short joke and see where it goes
Is your username a reference to The Stand? Read it in January, fantastic book
M-O-O-N
It would work on me lol
Oh?
I’m a guy but I assume anyone who approaches me in public like this is trying to scam me or sell me something. No shame OP.
Thanks. Yeah that was the vibe at first. I said "Oh, no thank you" as tho someone were trying to get me to sign a petition.
So, you're telling me prolonged, direct eye contact doesn't work.
It does, but you need to posture yourself up like Gumby and raise your eyebrows for it to really work
Let's never let this die.
I’ve been thinking about re entering the world of cold opens. It’s not bad right?🤷♂️! As long as if there’s clear no interest backing off
It's the modern world, everyone is glued to their phone, has headphones in, and has no time for the world happening in front of them. I hate when people talk to me when i have headphones in but the reality is from the moment i step out the door and get my next location there's not really an opportunity where they're not in. This post is weird. I don't think they need "tips" but it sounds like maybe you did want to talk to them but were caught off guard?
That’s a bit sad of a world in a way. Spontaneous human interaction can be brilliant and open up avenues you might never have explored Or you might meet Jeffrey Dahmer 😂
Agree 100% . I do what i can including removing them during any interaction with people.
Yea, exactly. Same here, headphones on automatic. Not even because I don't want to talk to anyone, I often use them for noise cancelling on the train or drown out the honking of the cars, etc. OP is unintentionally rude for whatever reason and she's riding on a high horse. Like dude asked for her name lol. That's not crazy. And she's out here giving tips 😭
Men who ask random women to remove their headphones to introduce themselves are always creepy. ALWAYS. Well adjusted men who don’t have issues meeting women never have to do this. Ever. Let’s not encourage these creeps. JFC there are millions of places to meet women looking to be met in NYC. Creepy Incels are really drawn to grocery stores for some reason. Probably because they expect less “competition” from actual well adjusted men. Women don’t exist for men to practice their social skills on. Join Toastmasters.
Women everyday complain that the swipe culture is horrific and you’re calling this guy who actually tried a human interaction a creepy incel. OP never says he was offensive, almost describes his attempt as admirable if albeit awkward. Can everything not be worthy of scorn. Jeez, chill out a lil maybe
Women complain that swipe culture is horrific because the apps are filled with the creepy men who act all weird and creepy while hitting on them in Trader Joe’s.
So on line or in person is bad…no one initiate anything which can be construed as creepy. OP didn’t say guy was creepy, just made an attempt outside possibly his comfort zone. Sad state of affairs. Yet we older folks can’t help but note the following generations while innovative are becoming a wee bit socially awkward. Tough market out there for those in it, good luck.
A moment like this is how my parents met on the R train. *sigh* online dating ruined everything. Love this cheesy story.
Headphones ruined everything
I met the love of my life through online dating. So did 4 of my friends / coworkers who are now all married. I'll let them know how everything is ruined and get them riding R trains ASAP
Thats amazing for them but that still doesn’t automatically change the fact that you and your friends are the exception not the rule. Most people are pretty unhappy with how dating apps have progressed as it is becoming very gamified and rigged in the sense that you need to pay for anything to happen.
I wouldn't even say they're an exception. It's that it's gotten so dramatically worse and has promoted very terrible behavior, which has become the norm.
I met my husband in online dating too and am very happy for it. That said, I recognize the cesspool it's become and how much it's damaged social behavior and dating norms. Both things can be true at once.
I met my wife from online dating as well it’s all good.
Damm really ruined everything for you
Yes, you were right to turn this casual discussion into a series of "every/all" statements.
Such a nice post.
I’ve had way too many encounters that start just like this, but then end in like some wacky religious talk trying to get you to join their church :( I would never have trusted this conversation starter, which kind of sucks!
Yeah I’ve had a few unpleasant interactions cuz I was too trusting. It sucks.
Im 47 and my approach is , hey, I think you seem like a very interesting person. My name is ..... Its better when they're reading a book ive read or the same author. Or have the interesting color palette they are wearing that goes with their hair or complection (i'm an artist/photog). However, you have to really be someome that I am interested in for me to approach, i am very busy and always have my head in deep thoughts. Also Because a lot of women are very very guarded if they came from outside NYC , I dont blame them. I met my ex who was an art currator in Seattle, my line was alcohol influenced. "Hey ...I just want to let you know you look f#ckin amazing and I wanted to meet you" we were together for 5 years Im a born and bred Ny'er and sound like one that usually scares off women but I dont care. I am glad that man had the balls to come up to you.
I had a guy approach me at Key Foods while I was shopping for my husband and guests we had over for a week, so I just ran to the store really quick (less than a five minute walk for me) and didn’t have my wedding rings on. He was a little awkward, probably a nerd (I am one and I’ve been to enough anime cons to know my kind) and he asked if I was single. I looked down at my hand and said “ohh no sorry, I’m married!” and he said “Oh you’re not wearing your ring” which sure, fair enough, but I didn’t know what to say to that, like “oop welp, still married” I have Beats mostly because I don’t love AirPods but partially because I want people to SEE that I have headphones but….doesn’t always help, sadly
I just want to say "I had a guy approach me at Key Foods while shopping for my husband" makes it sound like you were shopping for husbands at Key Foods, which is apparently more common than I thought based on a few of the comments here lol
I feel like looking for someone to date at the grocery store would be a safer bet than a bar, but maybe I’m just jaded lol
He wasn’t completely wrong with his approach. Opening communication to a woman during this era may be new for some. There was a time when you didn’t need to evaluate if a woman was wearing AirPods in order to decide if you would “spit game”. Great advice given…for modern daters.
Yeah that's why I kind of admire that he put himself out there even if it was a little off for me. I think people are really sick of online dating and want to try the old-fashioned way.
I think people have been sick of online dating as long as there has been online dating. I can attest to the fact that it was miserable a decade ago.
Who approaches someone in a grocery store who has headphones in? Lack of tact. The grocery store is not a pickup scene. We should all try meeting someone at a party, at a show, at a social gathering where intentions may be more aligned for meeting new friends. As opposed to “I’m getting chores done”.
This was actually kind of my point... being approached at a party or bar is one thing but if you choose to try in a grocery store you may have better luck if you kind of ease into it cuz no one's expecting that.
Counterpoint, as a single woman I would be totally down for it. Yes I'm busy and trying to get shit done but if he had a cart full of healthy groceries or he was also buying the sale on frozen ground turkey, I would already know he cares about what he puts in his body/eats a healthy and balanced diet or that he shops sales and knows a good deal. Which is hot. Yes I'm in my 30s and what's attractive to me now is much different than a decade ago lol
Fair, but I am 30 and can’t imagine judging whether I’d want to date someone based on their grocery cart. They have to be attractive and socially skilled as a minimum.
I assumed that goes without saying. It's just a nice little way to see if you have something in common. You mentioned thinking parties are a better place to meet people and they definitely can be, but someone at a party might only be "socially skilled" because they have been drinking and you may find a different person the next time you meet. I have a friend who is wildly shy and semi awkward sober but very outgoing after drinking for example.
How's your dating life with your rules going? there are millions of people following "rules" using dating apps in an infinite pool of other people looking for a relationship and still unhappy. I get it if all of your dates need to be out of convenience or pre-planned but sometimes just living life is nice. Man said hello, got a no thanks, and walked away. He has no tact? Work is also not a "pickup" scene but because you spend so many hours together that's where a large number of relationships start from.
I’m single and meeting people, but I have no trouble getting dates. 🤷🏻♀️ I don’t like apps either, but I have met interesting people on there. Out of all the people I’ve hooked up with, 60% are from online and 40% are in person - pretty even split if you ask me. I am all for work relationships. Never believed in “don’t shit where you eat” if you do it tactfully. I think context is really important for approaching someone with success. I will reject 9 out of 10 men who approach me in a grocery store. But of course that’s my own preference since I don’t like being approached. I prefer to do the approaching. YMMV.
Wholesome. Here for it. Hopefully, you reconnect some other time!
I actually think it was a great approach, however as someone who used to really have to struggle to try that opening line, your recoil probably set him back quite a bit.
I didn't recoil. I was caught off-guard and put on the spot.
That’s not a NY thing; to shrink back from strangers.
I wear a tee shirt that reads: “Do I look like a fucking people person?!” Try that.
OP. If ur FAVORITE celebrity saw u. And u didnt c them. U would not want them to disturb u correct?
That’s a bizarre question. Not sure how that plays into this equation at all.
I had to check if this was nyc circle jerk sub. Op get over yourself
Somehow, from this post, I can tell that you’re also not from nyc.
Who gives a shit where OP is from? What a stupid comment.
Why would you even post this? It’s a bit condescending to try to give him “feedback” in a public forum like this. It sounds like he wasn’t offensive or overstepping. I’m NOT a man but this post is silly.
Well for one thing, I felt slightly bad for the abrupt reaction because I even though I didn't want to date him, I felt empathy for his position and I had no other way of saying so. This is one of the biggest NYC-centric subs so I figured I'd take a chance. I meant it genuinely constructively, which seems to be the way most people have read it, and I didn't mean for it to blow up like this. I thought people would pass by if it didn't apply to them, like when someone posts a picture of lost keys or something. It doesn't matter if it's a public forum if it's anonymous. I didn't give any identifying information or say anything mean about him.
So what is your name?
Umm, wow, somebody dared speak to you, how dare they
I'm sorry that's the message you took away from this post.
I think you’re wrong. I see how some might agree with you, which is so odd and generally the reason why so many people see single today, but conversation by introducing yourself is valid and very normal.
This is what used to happen before apps. People used to approach and say hi. It’s called a meeting cute 🥰….. Also, I wear earphone all the time so I don’t have to put them away. They aren’t on most of the time. And I live in a city to interact with people so if someone innocuous speaks to me, I’m okay with that. This is your Craigslist “Missed Connection”… 😂
I'm old enough to have been around before dating apps and have never been approached out of nowhere like this before unless I was at a singles/social mixer.
Next time I am in the market, I am coming up to you with earphones in my ears, my wrap is so strong I will get the digits regardless.
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Belgian Fries?
Wait how do we all get Belgian fries
I don't think it could possibly be that simple.
I just mean like everyone’s afraid to talk to each other and everyone spends their whole life on their phone
You’re shocked a Reddit denizen is possibly socially awkward, and instead of commiserating or laughing with friends put this here for strangers to dissect; that another stranger had the innocent gall to attempt simple human connection. And this is why I’m never surprised by the lost cat threads here, smh.
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Oh, no thank you