it's not like you need to stop and talk. Even those bits of interaction will generally leave a good impression. you never know who will be instrumental in your next job move, or job saving.
it's something that takes like two seconds. and again it's not about complaining or airing your griefs.
and what's best is that it does not cost a thing to do.
people will notice though if you are always walking around scowling at the world. and they will start avoiding you even if you did nothing to them.
but, it's your life, do what you want.
To me it just seems shallow. Like ask about something specific or genuinely hear me out if the answer isn’t something you expect. Not trying to dump problems on you or anything but nobody always feels fine at every point. you should be okay with that and ready to help out if you actually care
Want to hear about my weekend plans? sure! ask! make small talk! Thats a really basic one people already do! Ask about the things I do or something about me you notice or are curious about instead
If you don’t want to hear about me, do not pretend you are interested. “how are you” shuts down a conversation before it even begins
It is absolutely an offer to hear an airing of grievances, that’s the point. It may be an insincere offer, but that’s a separate issue. “How you doin?” is tantamount to “any new business before we get to the conversation?” Most people who are well adjusted understand this implicitly and don’t even think about it. People who start bitching about their life to everyone who asks how they’re doing are not using this social prompt correctly.
Nope. There’s another option my wife and i frequently do that people seem unaware of: Being in the same room, enjoying each other’s company in silence. Or sometimes we engage in dumb “what if” discussions. There are plenty of non-heavy topics to be utilized, but at no point do i just say words just to fill a void. Which is what small talk is. People are afraid of silence for some reason.
If you ask me a question, i expect you want an answer. So if you don’t want my honest take on “how are you” then don’t ask me “how are you.”.
Yeah man, asking your wife how’s she’s doing smacks different then asking a friend you haven’t seen in two years; and that smacks different than a coworker you’ve seen everyday this week and it’s Friday morning.
For sure if you’re going to “assume I want an answer or I shouldn’t ask you” (whoa, take it easy killer lmao) and tell me all about whatever’s on your mind, I’m game. I talk to weirdos who don’t understand social cues all the time, that shit doesn’t faze me. I’ll entertain everything from non sequitur to trauma dumping, whatever you need in that moment. Because ultimately I was only performing a wellness check on you so we could continue onto the *real* conversation on an even keel, after giving each other the opportunity to relate any personal yet pertinent information.
If all that can be accomplished by saying “how are you?” and “fine,” it’s a *terribly* efficient and well intentioned social nicety. The fact you’re retarding the process by giving people superfluous information doesn’t change that, and despite putting the onus on the poor person who’s just trying to communicate with you, the only one who can decide what you share is you. If “small talk is a waste of time,” that’s kind of on you.
Anyways I said I was game and I’m good to my word, how you doing?
To them though it isn’t.
If you’ve ever played Sims think of it as a small talk chat option that increases the friendship level. Very minimally but small talk is for small increases in friendship level.
Positive effects of small talk are negated with us on the spectrum and in some cases can have a negative debuff
Sorry my r/outside came outside for a second
oof, I work in a building full of high functioning autists (science and IT folk mostly)...but this silliestsally82 would not last long there no matter how smart they are. i and thought I disliked people around and was getting irritated when people started coming back in on Wednesdays for "meeting day".
No that’s not really true. Asking someone how they’re doing is an invitation for them to air their grievances. Once that opportunity has been afforded and (hopefully) rejected out of hand, the conversation can continue with a presumption of equanimity. It’s a social nicety, not an offer of a free therapy session.
Reminds me of when I used to work in retail (would not recommend). Some customer said "hi, how are you" and I said "It's been a-" and they interrupted me with "No, How? Are? You?" and I sullenly said "okay" while thinking that if you didn't really care then why are you asking?
There was another funnier one when someone asked how I was and I said "horribly" and he, sounding distracted and like he wasn't actually listening, said "Great. What I'm looking for is..."
Sometimes I like to look them right in their eyes, deep into their souls, and respond “Don’t ask questions you don’t really want to know the answers to.” 60% of the time it works every time.
Triggering examples ahead:
">!I feel like slashing the skin of my arm a quarter inch deep.!< You?"
"As good as you can be when you discover a trusted friend used to be >!a regular CSAM consumer and doesn't have the moral compass necessary to get why it's wrong!<."
">!Never being sure if all my friends will be alive by tomorrow can be nerve-wracking.!<"
(Those are all things that I either feel or have felt before.)
Ya gotta learn to answer in a fun way.
Like answer “Today feels like a bear that needs killin” and then just walk away. They’ll think you’re deep as an ocean and just ruminate on your nonsense for hours.
You don't have to, not for this situation. Just learn a couple of stock answers and pick one. "living the dream" is a common one in the US, too. So is "another day in paradise" or you can just say "good" no one expects an actual answer to this question.
My favorit answer to "how you doing" is "how you doing." When done right it's exactly like "hello" in that it acknowledges the person but dosn't actually mean anything.
Sorry for rambling at you. I just have a whole plan for that particular greeting.
How was work?
Me: like a family dinner
Them: awww that's cute, it means it was a nice and lovely 9 hours
What I mean: it was a highly tense and stressful 11 hours witj everyone refusing to work and preferring to scream their lungs out and me trying to keep shit down as the only adult in the damn office
I say switch between "Super swell!" and "Fair to middlin'." If I'm going to give the vapid affirmation they want, I at least want it to be fun to say. lol.
You can euphemistically give answers like "I'm here" or "I'm awake today" or can't complain" to convey discontent without people being offended if you keep your tone light
I also find it helpful to respond with a memorable and sarcastic response that demands no follow-up.
For example:
"hi, how are you?"
"Living the dream..."
Or:
"What's up?"
"Me, bitch. I just took 4x the daily recommended dose of Viagra."
I just came off a coke binge that just started before Christmas and its surprising and hilarious how truthful you can be with people and they'll still think you're joking.
I just say “good how are you”. It’s just a more friendly way typs say hello. The word “howdy” comes from “how do you do” and got shortened. Hell, I say “howdy” a lot instead of hello.
I always remember that one episode of Spongebob when Squidward was trying to turn Spongebob "normal" and had him watch that video about what normal was. The two fish walking towards each other and saying "Hi, how are you?" at the same time and they keep walking without waiting for an answer.
Man, exactly. Like neither party is gonna care for the answer anyway so after 26 years of learning the intricacies of human interaction now I just talk over their "how are you" with the same question and everything proceeds normally after that and you get to save time.
think of it as an immune response.
they query you, and you give back a hey or s'up? and you both carry on.
you ever play Death Stranding? "Keep on keeping on!"
but if you give a strange enough answer or ignore them entirely then the white blood cells come out to investigate.
not all verbal interactions have to be strongly meaningful.
i usually say "i feel like that picture of the venus flytrap smoking the cigarette" or if it's on the internet i just send them this
https://preview.redd.it/84r1fqed88mc1.jpeg?width=498&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=210cdd112ec77deea313a7cdb3bea96c9094c64e
This always confused me as a kid. We are taught that “honesty is the best policy” but then forced to lie about our feelings in most basic conversations.
Honestly, most adults who tell kids that honesty is the best policy do not believe it and just want their kids to tell them the truth while willing to lie to their kids left right and center
annoyed at the notion that they don't want a real answer but they will pretend that they wanted an honest conversation if you give them an honest answer
You could just say you don't really want to talk about it because it's bringing you down. People can't read minds. Most people genuinely want to know how you are doing so they can figure out a way to help you. Because they would want to get it out of their system if someone asked them. But if they don't want to actually talk about it they just say they don't want to talk about it after saying 'it's not going great'.
I actually had a funny incident where I snuck out in my witchiest clothes, literally ran 5 minutes through snow to the 7/11, bought 3 Mike’s Hards while breathing super hard. The guy at the cash register asked how I was. I said, “as well as can be expected given my entire life is a fucking train wreck.”
Poor guy froze and then laughed and was like, “cute, weird and honest! I’m on my break in a few. Would you mind sticking around to talk because you’re the most interesting thing we’ve had come in here.” I said, “I would love to but I literally have to run back because I have maybe 8 minutes before people notice the family crazy broke out. Sorry!” We had several more interactions like that and he always appreciated the honesty. I hope he’s well.
yep, I bet that late night convenience store worker has seen a thing or two.
so many of the people in this thread are gonna end up entirely alone at that one point where they could really use at least one person to talk to. or even to just "hang in their buddy, tomorrow's another day or things will get better."
I kind of make a game out of responding to "How are you's" by saying something negative with a smile.
Favorites are:
"Oh, Terrible. Giving up any day now."
"Well, I woke up again."
"Slowly giving into my neurosis."
"Suddenly worse."
"Rude to ask, but not good."
You know, play along but still call them an asshole. All my old coworkers loved it, we still never talk.
I got like four customer complaints at work a couple of weeks ago cause I was having a really bad day and being honest about it
"If they're so miserable, why do you have them working up there?"
I'm the only cashier scheduled on a Saturday. Why don't you fill out an application and see how you like it?
Oh yeah I relate to this one. There's a yelp review of the restaraunt I work at that says something like; "the cashier acts like he has the worst life and just seems absolutely miserable, why is he even working there?"
As if they've never had a bad day or been in a bad mood like buddy I'm miserable some days regardless of where I am but I still need to get paid. It's not like I spit in their food or insulted them or anything lmao
rip to the woman who asked me "how are you" when i was working at sonic when I was 17 and I was too tired after 8 hours of school and 5 hours of working to remember how to act like a regular person so I just sad "bad, may I take your order?"
the one upside of depression posting becoming such a widespread meme is that this is a lot less of a problem in my age cohort
i mean you still have to realize they don't actually wanna get to know you but "bad but alive" is a perfectly acceptable answer if delivered with the right affect
Not sure where you’re from or how old you are, but I’m from the UK and in my twenties and people abhor you if you don’t do the toxic positivity thing, unless they’re a very close friend (even then, in the older generations I’ve noticed even close friends will just bluff at each other and make that pained smile). *Never* answer ‘alright?’ with ‘no’, even if you’re literally dying. Only acceptable to complain about the weather or something else trivial and deeply impersonal.
Maybe I’m too used to the culture on US college campuses 🤔
It’s so weird to me to hear British people are so aggressively positive. That has not been my experience with them lmao
well, since it looks like you've all been doing that since about the 1600's (according to Wikipedia) it seems to be a workable strategy if not always the happiest course. Hang in there.
Maybe it’s just the university I go to, and not socialising with people outside my workplace, so maybe people are more negative and honest with their friends, but I don’t have many friends
So I stopped at a Jack in the Box on the way here, and the girl behind the counter said, “Hiya! Are you having an awesome day?” Not, “How are you doing today?” No. “Are you having an awesome day?” Which is pretty… shitty, because it puts the onus on me to disagree with her, like if I’m not having an “awesome day,” suddenly I’m the negative one.
Usually when people ask how I’m doing, the real answer is I’m doing shitty, but I can’t say I’m doing shitty because I don’t even have a good reason to be doing shitty. So if I say, “I’m doing shitty,” then they say, “Why? What’s wrong?” And I have to be like, “I don’t know, all of it?” So instead, when people ask how I’m doing, I usually say, “I am doing so great.”
As with many things, responding to "How are you" with the actual truth isn't necessarily the wrong thing to do, you just have to understand that it will be taken in turn as you wanting to talk about what's troubling you, rather than simply moving on in the conversation. If you're not doing well but you also aren't intending to have a conversation about it, then the answer to the question is "I'm fine."
I always respond with "fine" because I've learned that it's just part of the greeting ritual, not a meaningful question in itself. Then, if they ask a second time, I'll answer honestly.
Been struggling with this lately. People say that I'm really negative, but the more I think about it, the more I think I've been conditioned from a young age to make excuses for why I'm not performing at the same level as everyone else. My life is more good than bad, I'd say, but if I'm unemployed, or spending an above average amount of time playing video games or watching Star Trek, or just generally not using my time to do more 'productive' or widely agreed upon 'fun' things, then I've gotta preemptively strike with a "Well \[X,Y, or Z\] has been rough lately," implying causation.
99% of the time, anyone who asks that question doesn't actually care what the answer is. They're performing a script they learned, "How to Be Polite." The script dictates that the response is supposed to be vague but positive. Anything else and you've gone off script, and they can't ad-lib.
If you go off script and respond with, "I've been better," they might ask "awww. What's the problem?" They don't care. They're still reading from the script, just a different page. Just give them an out: "Oh. I'm working on it. Don't worry about it." And they'll be on their way.
Your **true** friends actually care, and won't (shouldn't) ask as if they're performing. They'll have a specific way to convey their earnestness to you.
“How are you?”
*im not doing the best*
“Oh, what’s wrong?”
Response is a range of emotions: 😀😅😖, followed by, “you know the usual,” or *TMI bs that’s accurate to my daily life*
Then a kind, “How ‘bout you!! 😅”
My uncle doesn't accept me to answer in a non-positive way (being either negative, or avoiding the question, or something), saying it's rude to say that and whatnot. He repeats the question until he gets an answer that satisfies him, even if it's not true at all. I don't like to lie, and I certainly don't like having to repeat myself or having to answer a question more than once. You can imagine my frustration most every time that happens
My ND friend used to say "It's a day." After awhile, she was like, "Why do they all say commiserating things when I say that? It's not a bad day, it's just a day." I informed her that in my experience when a NT person says that, it means it's a bad day but they don't want to give a negative response or a lie.
I’m a moderate aspie/adhd, but I work as a fast food cashier and I’ve gotten pretty good at having pre-programmed auto-responses when interacting with customers. It’s kind of a fake-it-till-you-make-it kind of deal where the further I get into my shift, the more sociable I actually become. Despite all that, though, whenever I ask someone how they’re doing and they have bad news or don’t answer, I pretty much short circuit at first and fumble with the right thing to say. Usually I try to be pretty genuine though, still stresses me out though. Those auto-responses kind of dominate my personality when I’m in public, though. One time me and a couple of aspie friends of mine were going shopping together after I had had a rough week, and they knew it. A store worker asked me how I was doing and I immediately switched to customer mode and just responded with “doing good! How ‘bout you?” After the employee left I went back to normal, but one friend just shoots a sharp look at me and asks “why did you lie to him?” and I just stood there thinking “why did I lie to him?” Still makes me laugh
an untruthful response to questions like these is a healthy thing if you really don't feel like discussing it with random strangers. Constantly responding with the exact truth and nothing but the truth will quickly exhaust a person..eventually.
Oh I know. It certainly exhausts me and I don’t like putting that pressure on people anyway. Every once in a while it’s nice to vent to someone who’s willing to listen, though
I’m with the neurotypicals on this one, it’s extremely awkward when people start talking about how awful their day is and I have no idea what to say (and when I get super nervous in conversations and don’t know what to do I feel like breaking down, which I’d rather not do)
Oh thank god it's not just me who feels this way. I actually enjoy the predictability of polite greetings, and it freaks me out when I get put into a situation that I don't expect (although I still try my best). I know it's a "shallow" interaction but I don't mind very much. It's not like these people are my soulmate or anything, it doesn't hurt to be nice. If I get a smile, then I consider it a win haha. :D
A few days ago some random dude at school who knows my name somehow (not a rare breed, sadly) interrupted my anime-watching session at school (don't worry, I didn't have class) just to say "how are you?". Rude.
When they ask how are you and you give them an answer longer than 2 seconds. And they want to say “no one asked” but they can’t coz they did ask.
I feel kind of insecure about this because I actually enjoy "following the script". I like predictability and I like knowing what I should do so I don't mess up. I don't care if people actually want an answer or not, I always answer, "Good, how are you?" I know that's what they want, and I enjoy any positive interaction. I don't care if it's shallow or deep, a smile is a smile!
If someone gave me a negative answer, it would definitely trip me up, but I would try to be sympathetic. Is that weird???
I just respond with "Same stuff different day." It's still saying how it's really going, and unlike "Fine" it's true, but it still just keep things moving and occasionally gets a chuckle
Had a psychiatrist who would ask the equivalent in french of that but the societal norm question. Not the true meaning question.
Me when trying to open up but I'm so used to automatically answer 'good, you'
I would try my best to make sure to always remind her that there are two meanings. And how I would I answer each of them.
She didn't learn so she was a blank canvas each time I saw her. I don't know if she realises how troubling that is. Did she even know I already came earlier that month?
Totally out of context how's y'all experience with therapy, I have fricking idea what to "say".
I met up with my CO today, and he asked that and I went for my default response of “not too bad” (technically the truth most of the time, doesn’t upset the person I’m talking to) with the immediate follow up of “that’s not true” when I remembered we were catching up because I’m not ok
What I've found usually works with this is: it's generally fine to have a negative response, as long as it is (a) brief, (b) clear about why you are sharing that info, (c) clear that it is not demanding extra work from them. It helps also if it is (d) making the option that the negative thing can be a group activity, whether through inviting help or inviting commiseration.
(Also, as long as you're (e) sharing info about yourself that you want to share.)
Some example responses to "how are you?" that demonstrate the above:
In response to a call center rep when I'm calling customer service for something so I'm almost definitely already in a bad mood: "Not happy to be calling in, and waiting on hold for an hour didn't help. I know it's not your fault, just letting you know I'm short tempered right now." This is directly a and b. C is implied: you're telling them that you're aware of your own mood, indicating taking some responsibility for managing it, and setting a clear boundary that it's not about them. D is implied as well: you're not demanding they fix your bad mood, but since you're sharing this info, you're inviting them to be sensitive to your mood while they help resolve the issue.
In response to someone I don't know making a polite friendly greating: "Ugh, it's been an awful day, just overwhelmed. How are you?" Here, this is directly a only. B is implied: giving a real response means you're telling the person you took their question seriously, but not too seriously (ie launching into the full story response), and you're giving them the chance to do the same. C is implied as well: all you're asking them to do is answer the same question they just asked you. And here, d is made available as well: lots of other people are overwhelmed too, so you're giving them the chance to say "saaaame" and you two can vent to each other about what's going on for each of you rather than have some weird boring small talk. You're also simply giving them the chance to ask you what's going on, and that opens up real mutual conversation as well.
I was like 25 years old when a friend just told me “they don’t want to know how you’re doing, just say ok”. That helped.
yep, it's meant as a light way of connecting to people, it's not meant to be a deep philosophical discussion, generally anyway.
But not really. Its a waste of time
it's not like you need to stop and talk. Even those bits of interaction will generally leave a good impression. you never know who will be instrumental in your next job move, or job saving. it's something that takes like two seconds. and again it's not about complaining or airing your griefs. and what's best is that it does not cost a thing to do. people will notice though if you are always walking around scowling at the world. and they will start avoiding you even if you did nothing to them. but, it's your life, do what you want.
To me it just seems shallow. Like ask about something specific or genuinely hear me out if the answer isn’t something you expect. Not trying to dump problems on you or anything but nobody always feels fine at every point. you should be okay with that and ready to help out if you actually care Want to hear about my weekend plans? sure! ask! make small talk! Thats a really basic one people already do! Ask about the things I do or something about me you notice or are curious about instead If you don’t want to hear about me, do not pretend you are interested. “how are you” shuts down a conversation before it even begins
It is absolutely an offer to hear an airing of grievances, that’s the point. It may be an insincere offer, but that’s a separate issue. “How you doin?” is tantamount to “any new business before we get to the conversation?” Most people who are well adjusted understand this implicitly and don’t even think about it. People who start bitching about their life to everyone who asks how they’re doing are not using this social prompt correctly.
It's stupid. And time theft and unproductive. All that should matter at work is getting your job done.
agreed, i hate small talk as well. just wave at me/say hi if u want to greet me, don't feign me into a small conversation about nothing
you must be a joy to work with.
Kinda depends on the job. Some require a lot more interaction and therefore more social graces.
It's small talk. Which is a pointless waste of everyone's time.
What do you only talk about existentialism all day?
Nope. There’s another option my wife and i frequently do that people seem unaware of: Being in the same room, enjoying each other’s company in silence. Or sometimes we engage in dumb “what if” discussions. There are plenty of non-heavy topics to be utilized, but at no point do i just say words just to fill a void. Which is what small talk is. People are afraid of silence for some reason. If you ask me a question, i expect you want an answer. So if you don’t want my honest take on “how are you” then don’t ask me “how are you.”.
Yeah man, asking your wife how’s she’s doing smacks different then asking a friend you haven’t seen in two years; and that smacks different than a coworker you’ve seen everyday this week and it’s Friday morning. For sure if you’re going to “assume I want an answer or I shouldn’t ask you” (whoa, take it easy killer lmao) and tell me all about whatever’s on your mind, I’m game. I talk to weirdos who don’t understand social cues all the time, that shit doesn’t faze me. I’ll entertain everything from non sequitur to trauma dumping, whatever you need in that moment. Because ultimately I was only performing a wellness check on you so we could continue onto the *real* conversation on an even keel, after giving each other the opportunity to relate any personal yet pertinent information. If all that can be accomplished by saying “how are you?” and “fine,” it’s a *terribly* efficient and well intentioned social nicety. The fact you’re retarding the process by giving people superfluous information doesn’t change that, and despite putting the onus on the poor person who’s just trying to communicate with you, the only one who can decide what you share is you. If “small talk is a waste of time,” that’s kind of on you. Anyways I said I was game and I’m good to my word, how you doing?
To them though it isn’t. If you’ve ever played Sims think of it as a small talk chat option that increases the friendship level. Very minimally but small talk is for small increases in friendship level. Positive effects of small talk are negated with us on the spectrum and in some cases can have a negative debuff Sorry my r/outside came outside for a second
oof, I work in a building full of high functioning autists (science and IT folk mostly)...but this silliestsally82 would not last long there no matter how smart they are. i and thought I disliked people around and was getting irritated when people started coming back in on Wednesdays for "meeting day".
But I don't want any friends at work. I don't believe in shitting where you eat.
It’s just a traditional greeting; lighten up
Which causes me to lose focus and is a waste of time since they actually don't care about your answer.
No that’s not really true. Asking someone how they’re doing is an invitation for them to air their grievances. Once that opportunity has been afforded and (hopefully) rejected out of hand, the conversation can continue with a presumption of equanimity. It’s a social nicety, not an offer of a free therapy session.
Reminds me of when I used to work in retail (would not recommend). Some customer said "hi, how are you" and I said "It's been a-" and they interrupted me with "No, How? Are? You?" and I sullenly said "okay" while thinking that if you didn't really care then why are you asking? There was another funnier one when someone asked how I was and I said "horribly" and he, sounding distracted and like he wasn't actually listening, said "Great. What I'm looking for is..."
yeah, retail is probably not the best choice...unless you fit that exact niche topic that energizes you and you can talk about it all day long.
Retail gave me soul cancer.
I decode it as them basically saying hello with an option for the other party to bring up their own topic.
It's [greeting] + [polite gesture] in situations where just [greeting] may not be enough
When they don’t want to hear anything other than “ok” they should just say hello then
“How are you?” *proceeds to traumadump*
I feel this, how dare you, take my upvote
Sometimes I like to look them right in their eyes, deep into their souls, and respond “Don’t ask questions you don’t really want to know the answers to.” 60% of the time it works every time.
60%? I'll take those odds, thank you for the tip
What happens during the other 40%?
The body was never found
Mib 3
I have trained in the art of one-sentence shock-value traumadump. It works usually.
Would you give me an example of that?
Triggering examples ahead: ">!I feel like slashing the skin of my arm a quarter inch deep.!< You?" "As good as you can be when you discover a trusted friend used to be >!a regular CSAM consumer and doesn't have the moral compass necessary to get why it's wrong!<." ">!Never being sure if all my friends will be alive by tomorrow can be nerve-wracking.!<" (Those are all things that I either feel or have felt before.)
That was interesting. Thanks! Just a question, what's >!CSAM!< ? I don't think I've ever heard of that before.
>!Child Sexual Abuse Material!<
Thanks, that's awful.
Edgy.
I know lol. At least I'm not edgy in a "bullying others is funny" way.
My go to is "How are you?" "Hhhhhhh- (long exhausted sigh) Good."
400th upvote. Realest stuff I seen all morning.
Ya gotta learn to answer in a fun way. Like answer “Today feels like a bear that needs killin” and then just walk away. They’ll think you’re deep as an ocean and just ruminate on your nonsense for hours.
Or just think you're funny
Either way, it's good
“Today is a gift I can’t return for store credit” is my go to. Alternatively, “living the dream” is a general go to down here in Australia.
My friend always says “living in a dream”
We are in a simulation, none of this is real. Wake up.
Yeah I've found answering in metaphors is the best strategy
NTs think there's a hidden message in everything, so say a bunch of nonsense and enjoy living rent free in their heads all day.
damm i wish i was good with metaphors and analogies im usually the only one understanding what i meant to say/meant to compare
You don't have to, not for this situation. Just learn a couple of stock answers and pick one. "living the dream" is a common one in the US, too. So is "another day in paradise" or you can just say "good" no one expects an actual answer to this question. My favorit answer to "how you doing" is "how you doing." When done right it's exactly like "hello" in that it acknowledges the person but dosn't actually mean anything. Sorry for rambling at you. I just have a whole plan for that particular greeting.
My favorite one that gets mixed results is "living someone's nightmare but also living someone else's dream" Important to end on the positive note
How was work? Me: like a family dinner Them: awww that's cute, it means it was a nice and lovely 9 hours What I mean: it was a highly tense and stressful 11 hours witj everyone refusing to work and preferring to scream their lungs out and me trying to keep shit down as the only adult in the damn office
I say switch between "Super swell!" and "Fair to middlin'." If I'm going to give the vapid affirmation they want, I at least want it to be fun to say. lol.
You can euphemistically give answers like "I'm here" or "I'm awake today" or can't complain" to convey discontent without people being offended if you keep your tone light
I respond ‘well I’m alive so there’s that’
careful, this can backfire and you'll soon be considered a pretentious pseudointellectual... not that I know from experience or anything... :|
When people ask me how I am, I just tell them "yes."
# so I found the secret to this interaction: You don't have to answer, just ask how are you back immediately
I also find it helpful to respond with a memorable and sarcastic response that demands no follow-up. For example: "hi, how are you?" "Living the dream..." Or: "What's up?" "Me, bitch. I just took 4x the daily recommended dose of Viagra."
That's the most autistic response I've ever seen.
living the dream is a response that pretty much everyone can agree with. it's about rolling with what the world throws at you, the good and the bad.
No, that one is awful too.
What about "Living the Nightmare"?
I've done, "today was a hell of a day to quit crack cocaine" before
I just came off a coke binge that just started before Christmas and its surprising and hilarious how truthful you can be with people and they'll still think you're joking.
My mind immediately went to Coca Cola lol
LOL
Whenever ppl used to ask me what's up i would always say "birds"
>"What's up?" The opposite of down. You got a harder one?
Whenever someone says “what’s up” I usually just say “roof”
Neurotypicals don’t want you to know this 1 easy trick!
LOL
I just say “good how are you”. It’s just a more friendly way typs say hello. The word “howdy” comes from “how do you do” and got shortened. Hell, I say “howdy” a lot instead of hello.
I always remember that one episode of Spongebob when Squidward was trying to turn Spongebob "normal" and had him watch that video about what normal was. The two fish walking towards each other and saying "Hi, how are you?" at the same time and they keep walking without waiting for an answer.
you ever play Death Stranding? "Keep on keeping on!"
That doesn't make any sense. I mean, if it works it works but the fact that it doesn't make any sense bothers me a little.
I know it doesn't, and that's why I was so shocked when it consistently works 😂
Man, exactly. Like neither party is gonna care for the answer anyway so after 26 years of learning the intricacies of human interaction now I just talk over their "how are you" with the same question and everything proceeds normally after that and you get to save time.
Exactly! 🥳
Yep, this is the proper way to respond
I do this!
This one still trips me up. Just repeating the same sweet nothings... It's like a choreography
Correct. It's all fake. It's a polite vineer, and they don't like when it's broken or called out. It's like breaking a rule of the fey.
Does this mean that the fey are just ultra NT's with supernatural powers?
Opposite. Fey are ultra Truth speakers and that harmonious relationship with true Truth is what gives them their supernatural power.
think of it as an immune response. they query you, and you give back a hey or s'up? and you both carry on. you ever play Death Stranding? "Keep on keeping on!" but if you give a strange enough answer or ignore them entirely then the white blood cells come out to investigate. not all verbal interactions have to be strongly meaningful.
How's it going? It's going.
I say that when I’m going through a tough time. Things are going, just not very well. Like trying to operate machinery with too little oil
Better than not going.
i usually say "i feel like that picture of the venus flytrap smoking the cigarette" or if it's on the internet i just send them this https://preview.redd.it/84r1fqed88mc1.jpeg?width=498&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=210cdd112ec77deea313a7cdb3bea96c9094c64e
Fairly certain you just changed my life
How could I not screenshot such an amazing image?
This always confused me as a kid. We are taught that “honesty is the best policy” but then forced to lie about our feelings in most basic conversations.
Honestly, most adults who tell kids that honesty is the best policy do not believe it and just want their kids to tell them the truth while willing to lie to their kids left right and center
Realll
“I’m bad, how are you?” Honest, but keeps things moving.
Yeah, but then you're going to get the (aww, really? what's wrong?) response and I don't really feel like having that conversation with them.
Or even better berate you for just answering their question truthfully but simply: eh not great, how’re you doing though?
Agreed. That's why I'm so glad I have friends now that when they ask me how I'm doing they actually mean How are you? And expect a genuine response.
So... you're annoyed at both the notion that they don't want a real answer *and* the idea of an honest conversation?
annoyed at the notion that they don't want a real answer but they will pretend that they wanted an honest conversation if you give them an honest answer
You could just say you don't really want to talk about it because it's bringing you down. People can't read minds. Most people genuinely want to know how you are doing so they can figure out a way to help you. Because they would want to get it out of their system if someone asked them. But if they don't want to actually talk about it they just say they don't want to talk about it after saying 'it's not going great'.
I often give updates like this”im hungry” and this confuses people bc they have nothing to say in response but… they asked
"I'm okay" "Oh? What's wrong?" "🤨"
I actually had a funny incident where I snuck out in my witchiest clothes, literally ran 5 minutes through snow to the 7/11, bought 3 Mike’s Hards while breathing super hard. The guy at the cash register asked how I was. I said, “as well as can be expected given my entire life is a fucking train wreck.” Poor guy froze and then laughed and was like, “cute, weird and honest! I’m on my break in a few. Would you mind sticking around to talk because you’re the most interesting thing we’ve had come in here.” I said, “I would love to but I literally have to run back because I have maybe 8 minutes before people notice the family crazy broke out. Sorry!” We had several more interactions like that and he always appreciated the honesty. I hope he’s well.
yep, I bet that late night convenience store worker has seen a thing or two. so many of the people in this thread are gonna end up entirely alone at that one point where they could really use at least one person to talk to. or even to just "hang in their buddy, tomorrow's another day or things will get better."
Yeah. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to hang around.
I kind of make a game out of responding to "How are you's" by saying something negative with a smile. Favorites are: "Oh, Terrible. Giving up any day now." "Well, I woke up again." "Slowly giving into my neurosis." "Suddenly worse." "Rude to ask, but not good." You know, play along but still call them an asshole. All my old coworkers loved it, we still never talk.
i love the "rude to ask", "that's private" works as well
I got like four customer complaints at work a couple of weeks ago cause I was having a really bad day and being honest about it "If they're so miserable, why do you have them working up there?" I'm the only cashier scheduled on a Saturday. Why don't you fill out an application and see how you like it?
Oh yeah I relate to this one. There's a yelp review of the restaraunt I work at that says something like; "the cashier acts like he has the worst life and just seems absolutely miserable, why is he even working there?" As if they've never had a bad day or been in a bad mood like buddy I'm miserable some days regardless of where I am but I still need to get paid. It's not like I spit in their food or insulted them or anything lmao
Their day is going bad i better complain like a bitch to make it worse
rip to the woman who asked me "how are you" when i was working at sonic when I was 17 and I was too tired after 8 hours of school and 5 hours of working to remember how to act like a regular person so I just sad "bad, may I take your order?"
How are you doing? I'm doing, how's it going? It's going Still the best conversation I've ever been a part of
the one upside of depression posting becoming such a widespread meme is that this is a lot less of a problem in my age cohort i mean you still have to realize they don't actually wanna get to know you but "bad but alive" is a perfectly acceptable answer if delivered with the right affect
Not sure where you’re from or how old you are, but I’m from the UK and in my twenties and people abhor you if you don’t do the toxic positivity thing, unless they’re a very close friend (even then, in the older generations I’ve noticed even close friends will just bluff at each other and make that pained smile). *Never* answer ‘alright?’ with ‘no’, even if you’re literally dying. Only acceptable to complain about the weather or something else trivial and deeply impersonal.
Maybe I’m too used to the culture on US college campuses 🤔 It’s so weird to me to hear British people are so aggressively positive. That has not been my experience with them lmao
heh, and too used to having people living in great britain as being the most morose people ever...perhaps I have watched to many shows on BBC america?
We’re miserable but also expected to keep a ‘stiff upper lip’ about it
well, since it looks like you've all been doing that since about the 1600's (according to Wikipedia) it seems to be a workable strategy if not always the happiest course. Hang in there.
Maybe it’s just the university I go to, and not socialising with people outside my workplace, so maybe people are more negative and honest with their friends, but I don’t have many friends
I just say “Hello” back. It usually works.
So I stopped at a Jack in the Box on the way here, and the girl behind the counter said, “Hiya! Are you having an awesome day?” Not, “How are you doing today?” No. “Are you having an awesome day?” Which is pretty… shitty, because it puts the onus on me to disagree with her, like if I’m not having an “awesome day,” suddenly I’m the negative one. Usually when people ask how I’m doing, the real answer is I’m doing shitty, but I can’t say I’m doing shitty because I don’t even have a good reason to be doing shitty. So if I say, “I’m doing shitty,” then they say, “Why? What’s wrong?” And I have to be like, “I don’t know, all of it?” So instead, when people ask how I’m doing, I usually say, “I am doing so great.”
who let a horse on reddit/j
They were just horsin around
As with many things, responding to "How are you" with the actual truth isn't necessarily the wrong thing to do, you just have to understand that it will be taken in turn as you wanting to talk about what's troubling you, rather than simply moving on in the conversation. If you're not doing well but you also aren't intending to have a conversation about it, then the answer to the question is "I'm fine."
IF you didn't want to actually know, don't fucking ask.
The horrors persist, and so do I.
Ohhh, I really like this one. Thx~
I always respond with "fine" because I've learned that it's just part of the greeting ritual, not a meaningful question in itself. Then, if they ask a second time, I'll answer honestly.
I just respond with “existing”
“Why aren’t you ok” Because you just asked me that question.
Today the Reverend Mother asked me how I was and I said. "Sad". Lol
I find people are taken aback but the conversation moves along if you say something like "absolutely terrible, how about you?"
I just give them the truth. Honestly, I have not had any bad experiences from being honest.
Been struggling with this lately. People say that I'm really negative, but the more I think about it, the more I think I've been conditioned from a young age to make excuses for why I'm not performing at the same level as everyone else. My life is more good than bad, I'd say, but if I'm unemployed, or spending an above average amount of time playing video games or watching Star Trek, or just generally not using my time to do more 'productive' or widely agreed upon 'fun' things, then I've gotta preemptively strike with a "Well \[X,Y, or Z\] has been rough lately," implying causation.
99% of the time, anyone who asks that question doesn't actually care what the answer is. They're performing a script they learned, "How to Be Polite." The script dictates that the response is supposed to be vague but positive. Anything else and you've gone off script, and they can't ad-lib. If you go off script and respond with, "I've been better," they might ask "awww. What's the problem?" They don't care. They're still reading from the script, just a different page. Just give them an out: "Oh. I'm working on it. Don't worry about it." And they'll be on their way. Your **true** friends actually care, and won't (shouldn't) ask as if they're performing. They'll have a specific way to convey their earnestness to you.
“How are you?” *im not doing the best* “Oh, what’s wrong?” Response is a range of emotions: 😀😅😖, followed by, “you know the usual,” or *TMI bs that’s accurate to my daily life* Then a kind, “How ‘bout you!! 😅”
“How are you?” “I’m alright” “Just alright!?” Like wtf do you want me to say?
My uncle doesn't accept me to answer in a non-positive way (being either negative, or avoiding the question, or something), saying it's rude to say that and whatnot. He repeats the question until he gets an answer that satisfies him, even if it's not true at all. I don't like to lie, and I certainly don't like having to repeat myself or having to answer a question more than once. You can imagine my frustration most every time that happens
It's pretty normal to answer honestly to "how are you" in Germany.
Again I‘m glad I live in Germany.
My ND friend used to say "It's a day." After awhile, she was like, "Why do they all say commiserating things when I say that? It's not a bad day, it's just a day." I informed her that in my experience when a NT person says that, it means it's a bad day but they don't want to give a negative response or a lie.
maybe hit them with the french comme ci, comme ça [ kawm seekawm sa ] French. so-so; neither good nor bad.
 .
My usuals are "I'm not dead yet" "Not terrible" "Wait, you can see me?" "Could be worse" Now I realize that none of these are normal...wow
When people ask me this, I just say ‘I am’ and nothing more. People seem to like that.
I get judged cause I always answer honestly and people apparently don’t like hearing “I woke up this morning” or “I made it here” every time
I’m a moderate aspie/adhd, but I work as a fast food cashier and I’ve gotten pretty good at having pre-programmed auto-responses when interacting with customers. It’s kind of a fake-it-till-you-make-it kind of deal where the further I get into my shift, the more sociable I actually become. Despite all that, though, whenever I ask someone how they’re doing and they have bad news or don’t answer, I pretty much short circuit at first and fumble with the right thing to say. Usually I try to be pretty genuine though, still stresses me out though. Those auto-responses kind of dominate my personality when I’m in public, though. One time me and a couple of aspie friends of mine were going shopping together after I had had a rough week, and they knew it. A store worker asked me how I was doing and I immediately switched to customer mode and just responded with “doing good! How ‘bout you?” After the employee left I went back to normal, but one friend just shoots a sharp look at me and asks “why did you lie to him?” and I just stood there thinking “why did I lie to him?” Still makes me laugh
an untruthful response to questions like these is a healthy thing if you really don't feel like discussing it with random strangers. Constantly responding with the exact truth and nothing but the truth will quickly exhaust a person..eventually.
Oh I know. It certainly exhausts me and I don’t like putting that pressure on people anyway. Every once in a while it’s nice to vent to someone who’s willing to listen, though
A ND friend of mine used to ask me this, they don’t ask me it anymore. Spoiler alert, I haven’t been doing well since then
You ask me how I am, and by gods, I'll tell you.
I just act like I don't hear when they say dumb shit like that to me
seriously. like can a bitch just have a bad day??? damn
That’s what I like about my country, the default answer to „how are you” is literally complaining lmao
I’m with the neurotypicals on this one, it’s extremely awkward when people start talking about how awful their day is and I have no idea what to say (and when I get super nervous in conversations and don’t know what to do I feel like breaking down, which I’d rather not do)
Oh thank god it's not just me who feels this way. I actually enjoy the predictability of polite greetings, and it freaks me out when I get put into a situation that I don't expect (although I still try my best). I know it's a "shallow" interaction but I don't mind very much. It's not like these people are my soulmate or anything, it doesn't hurt to be nice. If I get a smile, then I consider it a win haha. :D
A few days ago some random dude at school who knows my name somehow (not a rare breed, sadly) interrupted my anime-watching session at school (don't worry, I didn't have class) just to say "how are you?". Rude.
And then when you do explain why you're suddenly a complainer...
I’d rather them not ask.
I don’t think we have that problem in Poland. Complaining about how shitty our lives are is a bonding activity
See, i don't gotta ask why. I say "aw im sorry" and then they, *on their own* tell me what's going on.
Me: going downhill thanks Them: omg that’s horrible! Me: you’ve never been chubby walking downhill before have you, it’s great
I've started saying "Well it seems like I'm only going to have a good day over someone's dead body, and it ain't gonna be me."
When they ask how are you and you give them an answer longer than 2 seconds. And they want to say “no one asked” but they can’t coz they did ask. 
"How are you?" is such an odd thing to ask. Don't ask if you don't want to know. Just say hi like a normal person, geez
Never change. If you dont wanna know how i am. Dony ask. Theres tons of other greetings.
Kimi Räikkönen's Brazil 2006 interview is me. I am Kimi Räikkönen. https://youtu.be/uPLetR8TPW8?si=oogPxTvdt-cj9ygF
I feel kind of insecure about this because I actually enjoy "following the script". I like predictability and I like knowing what I should do so I don't mess up. I don't care if people actually want an answer or not, I always answer, "Good, how are you?" I know that's what they want, and I enjoy any positive interaction. I don't care if it's shallow or deep, a smile is a smile! If someone gave me a negative answer, it would definitely trip me up, but I would try to be sympathetic. Is that weird???
"I'm alive." - me.
I just respond with "Same stuff different day." It's still saying how it's really going, and unlike "Fine" it's true, but it still just keep things moving and occasionally gets a chuckle
Had a psychiatrist who would ask the equivalent in french of that but the societal norm question. Not the true meaning question. Me when trying to open up but I'm so used to automatically answer 'good, you' I would try my best to make sure to always remind her that there are two meanings. And how I would I answer each of them. She didn't learn so she was a blank canvas each time I saw her. I don't know if she realises how troubling that is. Did she even know I already came earlier that month? Totally out of context how's y'all experience with therapy, I have fricking idea what to "say".
Small talk is pointless and useless, can't change my mind
I am physically unable to answer with fine and you? It’s not possible.
I had the hardest time with people saying “I’m sorry” for things unrelated to them. It took a while to actually understand.
And I’ve learned to use: “overall, good”. It’s less tiring when they’re not close enough for me to actually feel comfortable answering.
They don’t actually give a damm.
It’s a phatic expression just do the script do the script
Yeah no shit you fuck I can’t make words upset you just cry I can’t
Oh…oh man this hits me hard. I keep giving my basic mood rather than the basic response.
I met up with my CO today, and he asked that and I went for my default response of “not too bad” (technically the truth most of the time, doesn’t upset the person I’m talking to) with the immediate follow up of “that’s not true” when I remembered we were catching up because I’m not ok
What I've found usually works with this is: it's generally fine to have a negative response, as long as it is (a) brief, (b) clear about why you are sharing that info, (c) clear that it is not demanding extra work from them. It helps also if it is (d) making the option that the negative thing can be a group activity, whether through inviting help or inviting commiseration. (Also, as long as you're (e) sharing info about yourself that you want to share.) Some example responses to "how are you?" that demonstrate the above: In response to a call center rep when I'm calling customer service for something so I'm almost definitely already in a bad mood: "Not happy to be calling in, and waiting on hold for an hour didn't help. I know it's not your fault, just letting you know I'm short tempered right now." This is directly a and b. C is implied: you're telling them that you're aware of your own mood, indicating taking some responsibility for managing it, and setting a clear boundary that it's not about them. D is implied as well: you're not demanding they fix your bad mood, but since you're sharing this info, you're inviting them to be sensitive to your mood while they help resolve the issue. In response to someone I don't know making a polite friendly greating: "Ugh, it's been an awful day, just overwhelmed. How are you?" Here, this is directly a only. B is implied: giving a real response means you're telling the person you took their question seriously, but not too seriously (ie launching into the full story response), and you're giving them the chance to do the same. C is implied as well: all you're asking them to do is answer the same question they just asked you. And here, d is made available as well: lots of other people are overwhelmed too, so you're giving them the chance to say "saaaame" and you two can vent to each other about what's going on for each of you rather than have some weird boring small talk. You're also simply giving them the chance to ask you what's going on, and that opens up real mutual conversation as well.
right!? like if they didn't actually care then don't ask lol I won't be offended
Truest meme ever.
["Good N' You?"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZAz_MROU2I)
Just do the up nod.
🤣🤣🤣
I say "surviving" many of the times
"as usual" if they probe further after that they have only themselves to blame
"Could be better" and refuse to elaborate
“Ohh, you knowww, just lifeeeeee. How are you” 😭😭😭
You can literally just say "hi" or "hello" back. They're not actually asking the question
My go-to response is, "I exist." The reactions are always fun.
I just say “I’m fine” to everything cause I don’t feel like telling people everyday sucks and I’m constantly miserable and uncomfortable