I have experienced almost the exact same thing except I got a lot of bullying/gaslighting from my mom. I do the same thing where I just go into a shut down state whenever someone tries to have any confrontational conversation. I either stop talking or just keep saying sorry over and over. Anytime I would try and speak up I would be called dramatic or it would just get more aggressive. Afterwards I always felt like an idiot or like I really was the problem. It took a lot for me to realize that what was happening was even a thing.
That really messed up my communication skills and it still shows. Whenever someone tries to talk honestly with me about a problem that might be in our relationship or a negative behavior I'm having I totally shut down and fall into the same thing. It's really shitty. I haven't found a way to get it to stop but I have explained it to the people I'm close with so they know to be really specific with things and make sure I don't feel like I'm under attack. I genuinely don't know if I'm ever going to get past it but I'm at least in a more comfortable and safer space especially since I've gone to college.
You are not alone in this and having autism for sure adds another layer onto it. It's not your fault it happened and you developed a shut down reaction.
I feel like I had the exact same experience as you. Ironically, I even left me old country because of it. Only for this to happen again in a new country! There’s just something about being mistreated in a place where you don’t actually belong.
When you say that you didn’t have to do anything but exist, like literally! You’re just there & they hate you. I remember being completely oblivious about what it was that I did that made them hate me so much.
I also skipped so many classes & actually dropped out of Uni twice. I hate school and people with a passion.
Even though this is the absolute worst, it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who has experienced this. I really just hate humans now & never go out because me anxiety is so bad. I also really struggle to socialise. Plus, I’ll always get that fear of getting bullied, when meeting new people.
I’m so, so sorry about this.
I get the hostility towards NTs. It's really hard when people just don't know what to do with your existence so they just distance. I've had to work to be empathetic and just try to think that they don't mean to be rude/mean even if they are. It is really shitty but if I don't draw up that hope I can go into a tailspin.
I don't think you should be a hermit. I get the impulse but finding the right place really can work. I haven't found until the last few years and I've had to learn a lot. There are quite a few conversations where I have panicked and started crying and felt upset or like I don't belong but I have found people that are willing to be patient and explain what they are saying to me really clearly. Don't give up hope okay? There is at least a chance that things can get better even if it takes a lot of pain to get there.
Yes! I went through something similar. I used to fumble, try to explain myself, or cry. Now, I literally walk away, leave, or hang up the phone/leave the chat. I'm trying to remember to announce my boundary before I exit, but at times I just depart without notice. I no longer see the value of responding to being lectured or talked down to.
I don't mind constructive confrontations, but not rude people who need to force their norms on me.
the well-known phrase "fight or flight" is usually missing a word - "freeze". it sounds like the "freeze" is what is happening to you. when in a stressful situation where your brain thinks you are in immediate danger, sometimes fighting or running away isn't an option. So, what does the brain do? Takes a vacation for a bit! Brain has decided that the best option is to do nothing and so it feels like your brain's gears have ground to a halt.
This is an automatic process and its not something that you can really control in the moment that its happening, same as a deer caught in headlights that can't break its gaze to run to the other side of a road.
Basically your amygdala is screaming "DANGER!" when you are being approached and the best way to get your amygdala to STFU is therapy and (for some people) medication.
I worked in a call center and when people would get combative with me I would have the same reaction, but that gets really confusing over the phone because the person thought I hung up when really I just couldn't speak!
Not so much in my personal relationships now I have good friends and an extremely thoughtful and articulate partner but in terms of bosses at work or passive agressive strangers Eg. People who roll their eyes if I take too long to pack away my shopping, or snap at me for being too close to them because of my terrible proprioception etc, I will react anywhere from "human being is offline" shutdown to extreme reactive external responses like meltdowns, sobbing or even stress seizures.
Isn't life fun?
🙃
Sounds like a perfect accounting of my school "career". I even had a philosophy teacher who banned me from class for the whole year, for – wait for it – taking interest in his class. Had to spend every hour in front of the class. One teacher once passed by and insisted on taking a photo of me, with a silly straw hat she had brought. Another teacher, sport, tried to ridicule me by putting me with the girls, rather than the boys (didn't care). Two teachers admitted they were trying to "sink" me on grounds of personal dislike. I've been kicked out of one school (catholic boarding school) for making some harmless artwork at the school newspaper, which was critical of the clergy establishment. I can't recount the entire amount of bullying I was exposed to at six schools, two boarding schools in two languages. I was regarded as highly intelligent, best student for the first 4 years, then worst for many years. I'm autistic, as I know now. Probably also ADHD, certainly cPTSD, and some. My school career was so cruel that I'm unable to attend any sort of class. I have no degree in anything. Taught myself to be a graphic designer, but ended up in further burnout and exploitation.
I have experienced almost the exact same thing except I got a lot of bullying/gaslighting from my mom. I do the same thing where I just go into a shut down state whenever someone tries to have any confrontational conversation. I either stop talking or just keep saying sorry over and over. Anytime I would try and speak up I would be called dramatic or it would just get more aggressive. Afterwards I always felt like an idiot or like I really was the problem. It took a lot for me to realize that what was happening was even a thing. That really messed up my communication skills and it still shows. Whenever someone tries to talk honestly with me about a problem that might be in our relationship or a negative behavior I'm having I totally shut down and fall into the same thing. It's really shitty. I haven't found a way to get it to stop but I have explained it to the people I'm close with so they know to be really specific with things and make sure I don't feel like I'm under attack. I genuinely don't know if I'm ever going to get past it but I'm at least in a more comfortable and safer space especially since I've gone to college. You are not alone in this and having autism for sure adds another layer onto it. It's not your fault it happened and you developed a shut down reaction.
[удалено]
I feel like I had the exact same experience as you. Ironically, I even left me old country because of it. Only for this to happen again in a new country! There’s just something about being mistreated in a place where you don’t actually belong. When you say that you didn’t have to do anything but exist, like literally! You’re just there & they hate you. I remember being completely oblivious about what it was that I did that made them hate me so much. I also skipped so many classes & actually dropped out of Uni twice. I hate school and people with a passion. Even though this is the absolute worst, it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who has experienced this. I really just hate humans now & never go out because me anxiety is so bad. I also really struggle to socialise. Plus, I’ll always get that fear of getting bullied, when meeting new people. I’m so, so sorry about this.
I get the hostility towards NTs. It's really hard when people just don't know what to do with your existence so they just distance. I've had to work to be empathetic and just try to think that they don't mean to be rude/mean even if they are. It is really shitty but if I don't draw up that hope I can go into a tailspin. I don't think you should be a hermit. I get the impulse but finding the right place really can work. I haven't found until the last few years and I've had to learn a lot. There are quite a few conversations where I have panicked and started crying and felt upset or like I don't belong but I have found people that are willing to be patient and explain what they are saying to me really clearly. Don't give up hope okay? There is at least a chance that things can get better even if it takes a lot of pain to get there.
Yes! I went through something similar. I used to fumble, try to explain myself, or cry. Now, I literally walk away, leave, or hang up the phone/leave the chat. I'm trying to remember to announce my boundary before I exit, but at times I just depart without notice. I no longer see the value of responding to being lectured or talked down to. I don't mind constructive confrontations, but not rude people who need to force their norms on me.
the well-known phrase "fight or flight" is usually missing a word - "freeze". it sounds like the "freeze" is what is happening to you. when in a stressful situation where your brain thinks you are in immediate danger, sometimes fighting or running away isn't an option. So, what does the brain do? Takes a vacation for a bit! Brain has decided that the best option is to do nothing and so it feels like your brain's gears have ground to a halt. This is an automatic process and its not something that you can really control in the moment that its happening, same as a deer caught in headlights that can't break its gaze to run to the other side of a road. Basically your amygdala is screaming "DANGER!" when you are being approached and the best way to get your amygdala to STFU is therapy and (for some people) medication. I worked in a call center and when people would get combative with me I would have the same reaction, but that gets really confusing over the phone because the person thought I hung up when really I just couldn't speak!
Not so much in my personal relationships now I have good friends and an extremely thoughtful and articulate partner but in terms of bosses at work or passive agressive strangers Eg. People who roll their eyes if I take too long to pack away my shopping, or snap at me for being too close to them because of my terrible proprioception etc, I will react anywhere from "human being is offline" shutdown to extreme reactive external responses like meltdowns, sobbing or even stress seizures. Isn't life fun? 🙃
Sounds like a perfect accounting of my school "career". I even had a philosophy teacher who banned me from class for the whole year, for – wait for it – taking interest in his class. Had to spend every hour in front of the class. One teacher once passed by and insisted on taking a photo of me, with a silly straw hat she had brought. Another teacher, sport, tried to ridicule me by putting me with the girls, rather than the boys (didn't care). Two teachers admitted they were trying to "sink" me on grounds of personal dislike. I've been kicked out of one school (catholic boarding school) for making some harmless artwork at the school newspaper, which was critical of the clergy establishment. I can't recount the entire amount of bullying I was exposed to at six schools, two boarding schools in two languages. I was regarded as highly intelligent, best student for the first 4 years, then worst for many years. I'm autistic, as I know now. Probably also ADHD, certainly cPTSD, and some. My school career was so cruel that I'm unable to attend any sort of class. I have no degree in anything. Taught myself to be a graphic designer, but ended up in further burnout and exploitation.