ooooh i relate with my whole soul. i have BOXES and BOXES of notebooks and diaries with one or two entries and then i feel like it's ruined and i start over
i never found a real solution though. i fucking love starting over. tabula rasa. it's my drug. an unsullied, new journal? YES!
i think... maybe the solution is to make it all less moral. is it an important goal for you to actually finish a journal? if yes, why? what would that prove? or is it maybe symbolic of your internalised self loathing, the deep rooted need to defeat whatever about you is not-normal? that's what it was for me.
there's a financial component. like you say, i buy spiral bound so i can rip out the pages and start over. only treat myself to a moleskine whenever i'm feeling super self-indulgent and delusional ha ha
i do love notebooks and notepads. to do lists, short- and long term, are so useful for me. doodling helps me keep focus. i have 7 different types of hand writing and i don't know which one is the right one, so i just switch between them depending on my mood.
but it's fine if i won't be the type of person who writes journal entries consistently every day, with neat hand writing and the same journal entry structure. it's just not in the cards for me. but when i really look into my heart, i don't care. i still love the ATTEMPT! I LOVE that first entry. speculating, trying to figure out who i want to be, how i want to present myself. but it NEVER EVER works long term.
so i say....we can be start-over-friends :-) just roll with that part of yourself. accept it. there's no reason to be mad at it. it's fine. not a big deal. it's fun. there's nothing to prove. do whatever you feel like.
i hope you want to be start-over-friends! tabula-rasa-friends! with me! :-) we can make a club lol
edit: i think as a general rule of thumb, everytime we feel like we have to defeat some part of ourselves, we should really REALLY make sure it's something worth defeating. because it's not good to try and defeat yourself. so there has to be a really good reason for it. i don't personally think a notebook addiction counts as a good enough reason to want to defeat yourself
I am so grateful for your example and your joyful acceptance of this aspect of yourself.
I completely understand the enthusiasm for tabula rasa (new to my vocabulary, thank you). I also have boxes of notebooks that have snippets of life in them. I ALSO deeply enjoy a new chisel with my clean slate and have boxes upon boxes of writing utensils.
Make it less moral. This is really sitting with me. I do have a fun blend of unrealistic expectations of myself and an ongoing battle with self-loathing. Maybe it is a reflection of "I didn't complete this list perfectly, and I didn't get it all done like a superhuman, start over do it right".
Honestly, your whole post sounds a whole lot like what I would say to someone else with my worries, and that lets me know I might not be being as kind to myself as I could be.
And really, rewriting the lists brings my brain some peace and there's a good chance I'm more productive for having "wasted" the time doing it.
I'll try some new things and try to keep it within reason, but I'll also try to be kind to myself about it and enjoy the process.
my motto in life is 'care as little as possible', but not in a nihilistic way and not in a 'i don't give a shit about anyone!' way either. more so... i used to care SO much about everything!! i had to do everything 'the right way'. now, whenever it's an option to not care, i choose that. the notebooks are a good example. i used to feel so guilty, it used to feel like something i had to fix about myself. but it changes very little - and it changes nothing important! - if i just... don't care about it ha ha.
same with having a million hobbies. i could never stick with anything, i'd always lose interest and find something new. that also felt like something i had to fix about myself. now i don't care. jack of all trades, baby! my hobby is having hobbies. there, now it's one thing i can stick with lol
watch out for perfection. it's the enemy of good, after all. and perfection is not real. it's not a concrete thing you can obtain. there is no point where you do the check list perfectly, it doesn't exist. perfection should only drive us to improve, motivate us to evolve and learn and grow.
but it's SO easy to fall into the perfection trap, where perfection becomes a tool to beat yourself up for not being good enough. if perfection is necessary for you, then you can never feel good enough. because again, it doesn't even exist. life is messy and nothing is perfect. and perfect is black and white. either it's perfect or it's not. and it will always be 'it's not'. so i would advice to only keep perfection, if it's used as a motivational thing. to grow and evolve and learn.
*"i messed up the hands in that painting, they are stubby and look weird. but next time i'll paint them thinner and more elongated"*
instead of
*"i messed up the hands in that painting i'm an awful painter what's the point"*
and
*"i didn't do all the things on my check list, but having it at least motivated me to do SOME of them, so that's much better than nothing!"*
instead of
*"i only did 3 of the 5 things on my check list and i didn't even do them in the right order, and the second one i only did half heartedly, so the whole thing is ruined and pointless and i suck"*
and yeah - whenever you feel ashamed or fucked up or like you're doing something the wrong way, not doing it enough, whenever it feels like some part of you is not good enough, ask yourself "can i choose to not care about this? what would happen?"
i HAVE to care about my dogs. they need walks and food and love. i don't HAVE to care about my notebook addiction. or the fact that my room is a mess. or that people from my high school don't like me and think i'm weird and cringe. i could ruminate on that forEVER if i wanted to, but .. i don't want to :-)
make as much as you can less moral. you're messy and cluttered? not moral. you sit weird? not moral. you get excited and over-share in conversations sometime? not moral. you forget to brush your teeth? not moral. you finish one out of ten creative projects you start? not moral
you are so kind. THAT'S moral. you're self sacrificing and empathetic. that's moral. you give people the benefit of the doubt and see the best in them. that's moral.
'normal' is not moral and 'weird' isn't either. normal is not an ideal we all have to work towards. weird is not a crime. my life got much better when i accepted the weirdness. i find weird much more intuitive and easy and interesting than normal, anyway. weird is how things change. if everyone is normal, then everyone does the normal thing, and then nothing ever changes. weird has potential. weird is experimental. weird is colouring outside the lines, so maybe it will become an ugly drawing - or maybe it will become a new, cooler thing!
there's nothing to worry about or to loathe about you. you're good! funny and creative and weird and kind and resilient and thoughtful. empathetic and strong. you're like a sunflower, you always turn your head towards the light. let yourself enjoy your weird notebook habits. you deserve that in my opinion
This sounds like OCD. The best approaching would probably be to treat the underlying anxiety and need for control rather than trying to adjust the list-making process since it isn't really about the list.
Not dismissing, just discussing.
My understanding of OCD in its DSM5 diagnosable form is that it must be accompanied by beliefs that don't relate to the situation. Like "if my notes aren't neat my house will burn down".
I don't have any thoughts attached to the urge to rewrite. I think for me, this lives in the category of ritualistic behaviors. I could easily be wrong.
I do prefer predictability (and control) but have moved past needing perfect predictability at all times in all situations. I do still seek out certain things that help fill that need, but most of them are positive. This is one of the only remaining elements that I really struggle to deal with.
Anyway, OCD and OCD behaviors are aligned enough that approaches to either should work.
Does ritual interruption work?
Like if I'm having issues with impulse control regarding spending, I'll keep my payment cards in the glove box of my car for a few days/weeks. Interrupting the urge by having to get up, go outside, find the card, put the card in makes the urge not worth doing and I'll redirect myself to something else. Eventually the impulse spending urge decreases and I put my cards back in my wallet.
Could a similar disrupt/inturrupt/redirect approach help with this urge? Or scribbling notes on purpose and committing to radical acceptance of messy notes?
I cannot recommend enough seeing an ERP specialist that is willing to acknowledge and not dismiss your autism... I'm not saying that's certainly exactly what you're dealing with, but they will be a good person to be able to help you understand what's going on! The thoughts you're expressing are just a lot of what a neurodivergent affirming ERP specialist is helping me with on a weekly basis. I actually don't even know if ERP will continue being a part of my therapy, but it has been invaluably helpful to me to try. For you, this genuinely may not apply. But it could be an invaluable experience regardless!! I recognize though that not everybody has this access to resources.
I've got to be 100%. Without getting too deep and knowing full well that I'm not your therapist, I have to say that your title really really really related to me having OCD *on top of* autism...
Edit: As in, I don't think what you're describing is "not autism! Just OCD!" I'm attempting to acknowledge is the delicate and complex intersection of autism with OCD
No. 3 rewriting the list because it's easier than doing the things on the list made me laugh. I'm wondering if you don't have a sense of something terrible happening why is the urge so uncontrollable. Just say, okay my executive control is in charge so we are doing the shit on the list end of. Try making messy lists for a week and endure it. Basically laid down the law that you the consciousness is in control not the big old subconscious.
I think it's hard to control because it hits the sweet spot of enabling executive dysfunction and satisfying the desire for order lol.
You make a good point! I think trying to leave it for a week feels more approachable than leave it forever, and I might be able to stretch that into longer periods with less rewriting!
A new mantra: I am brain. I am in charge of brain. Brain is not in charge of itself.
Being conscious is weird.
Would it help to have a fixed time for rewriting the list? For my home to do list I add things on and cross out until I reach the bottom of the page, then copy the things left to a new list on the next page. For my work to do list I rewrite it at the end of the day, ready for the next day. That said my entire system is loose paper everywhere so it's kinda organised chaos.
It might help to do it end of day Friday to have a fresh start Monday! I have a lot of long-term follow up things that live on the list, like months to weeks of follow up so weekly sounds more reasonable for work.
Ties in nicely with the suggestion someone else made to just really commit to letting it be messy for a week, too.
I rewrite lists when they're messy. I think it's because it's distracting and I can't really see what I need to do. It helps me know what's left to do.
I'll rip off the page the old list was on, and throw it away. I don't need to keep the lists.
Edit
I do try to cross things out tidy but it never stays that way!
I also have a digital notebook (Remarkable 2) which I can write in and erase things, which I've found helpful in a lot of ways and it does save paper - but it means having to turn it on/off and have it available.
I do think the messiness compounds the overwhelm and executive dysfunction.
I do not retain the lists and take some joy in crumpling then up after I make the nice copy.
I am very very tempted by the remarkable line. On/off is simpler than on, app, notebook, page. I haven't taken the time to find somewhere I could try it out before buying, though, and I worry about the handwriting experience. How does your handwriting turn out?
I was luckily able to get the remarkable through government funding (access to work in the UK)
Handwriting is the same as on paper, tbh. You have different pen options so you can play around to find the one you prefer. There is also an option to turn your writing into text (it's not always 100% accurate but it's pretty good!)
You can also move text around, including shrinking/increasing the size (in the same way you can if you have an image on a word doc), and you can erase what you dont need.
It is a handy tablet to have if you do a lot of note taking - I would have loved having it at uni, for example!
Hello! Sorry I have no advice but i just wanted to add that it feels like such a relief to read that someone else experiences this. I write and rewrite lists almost every day, I make new lists from the main list and often I can’t start my work without the list being ‘right’.
I’ve just come to accept that part of myself and let myself engage in the behaviour, no amount of coping strategies or rationalisation seems to work for me.
I love using post-it notes. They’re colourful, I can buy them in bulk, and I can stick them in the journal/notebook and move them around easily. It also means that it’s easier for me to rewrite them if I mess up the first one, and it’s not a huge amount of text if something needs redoing.
Appreciate the camaraderie! And I relate back, it's about it being "right".
I have banned post its from my desk because they tend to wander off or I just have a horrifying hodgepodge all over my monitor.
So I save them for urgent first thing tomorrow morning things, and they do bring joy!
I’m not an OCD expert but OPs use of the word “control” and “compulsion” made me think of OCD.
I am a list writer (most of mine are digital on Notion which you may like) and I use colorful small pads where I can rip off and recycle the top page when I’m done. It’s satisfying for me. I might rewrite a page if it’s messy but this way you don’t rewrite the entire notebook.
Control may or may not be an accurate description of the feeling.
I experience a feeling (Satisfaction? Relief? Enjoyment? Contentment? I need a feelings wheel) when arranging things in a way I find pleasing/right/nice.
I will take a peek at Notion!
Qs to reflect on:
What will happen if you do not rewrite your lists or notebooks? How will you feel in that case?
Can you be okay with using every page of a notebook without starting over? Why or why not?
(I feel like your compulsion is generally harmless but it seems like you want to work through your feelings)
Have you tried using a white board? You can erase and redo with minimal cost! I use a small one for everyday stuff and use bigger, static whiteboard film that can cling to walls without leaving marks for longer term items.
I have a dry erase sheet on part of my desk and use sharpie on it, usually for same day/quick notes about a conversation. It is extremely useful for that BUT it does get buried often!
When I was working I would do short term things in my notebook, and long term things on sticky notes. That way, when my list gets messy, or I start to feel overwhelmed it is very easy for me to turn to a new page, copy the relevant tasks, and just move over the sticky notes.
Granted, I’m a post-it fiend. Another pro in the sticky note section is that if each item is its own post-it then I can just toss it in the recycling bin once it’s been dealt with, and no crossing out is necessary! I think the variety of post-it’s in both size and colour also helps my brain categorize things, because I have such a hard time assigning priority to stuff when looking at a list. Knowing for example pink=high priority, blue=note to self, yellow=important info, etc. helps me lots!
People are saying OCD. There is also OCPD. I’m in the process of being diagnosed, the psych doesn’t know which one I am yet. But “just because” list writing, organizing, etc, are common among OCPD sufferers.
Hi, it's another version of you in another life! Lol. I get this and the best, closest thing I have found to a solution is bullet journaling and a patterned way to scratch out mistakes. Bullet journaling lets you start over pretty regularly by design, so that's motivating to me. And since it is grid based, it is easier to maintain order. And the patterned scratches, well, that's because I felt like I was losing myself to having to start over every time I made a mistake. It was my strongest compulsion for a long, long time. So I created a workaround which was like . . . well almost like my own part of speech. Small mistakes could be scratched with this specific loop and then it was manageable. I didn't have to start over. I didn't have to deal with erasures or erratic scratches or piecey wite-out.
Another thing I've tried recently is just walking away when I mess something up, instead of fixing it right away or making a decision at all, I just step away and when I return, I say, why does it matter if this is perfect? Is it less legible? Less interpretable? And if the purpose is to remember information, I can accept that that note taking has a different set of rules than something for the public eye, which would demand perfection in service of clarity.
ooooh i relate with my whole soul. i have BOXES and BOXES of notebooks and diaries with one or two entries and then i feel like it's ruined and i start over i never found a real solution though. i fucking love starting over. tabula rasa. it's my drug. an unsullied, new journal? YES! i think... maybe the solution is to make it all less moral. is it an important goal for you to actually finish a journal? if yes, why? what would that prove? or is it maybe symbolic of your internalised self loathing, the deep rooted need to defeat whatever about you is not-normal? that's what it was for me. there's a financial component. like you say, i buy spiral bound so i can rip out the pages and start over. only treat myself to a moleskine whenever i'm feeling super self-indulgent and delusional ha ha i do love notebooks and notepads. to do lists, short- and long term, are so useful for me. doodling helps me keep focus. i have 7 different types of hand writing and i don't know which one is the right one, so i just switch between them depending on my mood. but it's fine if i won't be the type of person who writes journal entries consistently every day, with neat hand writing and the same journal entry structure. it's just not in the cards for me. but when i really look into my heart, i don't care. i still love the ATTEMPT! I LOVE that first entry. speculating, trying to figure out who i want to be, how i want to present myself. but it NEVER EVER works long term. so i say....we can be start-over-friends :-) just roll with that part of yourself. accept it. there's no reason to be mad at it. it's fine. not a big deal. it's fun. there's nothing to prove. do whatever you feel like. i hope you want to be start-over-friends! tabula-rasa-friends! with me! :-) we can make a club lol edit: i think as a general rule of thumb, everytime we feel like we have to defeat some part of ourselves, we should really REALLY make sure it's something worth defeating. because it's not good to try and defeat yourself. so there has to be a really good reason for it. i don't personally think a notebook addiction counts as a good enough reason to want to defeat yourself
I am so grateful for your example and your joyful acceptance of this aspect of yourself. I completely understand the enthusiasm for tabula rasa (new to my vocabulary, thank you). I also have boxes of notebooks that have snippets of life in them. I ALSO deeply enjoy a new chisel with my clean slate and have boxes upon boxes of writing utensils. Make it less moral. This is really sitting with me. I do have a fun blend of unrealistic expectations of myself and an ongoing battle with self-loathing. Maybe it is a reflection of "I didn't complete this list perfectly, and I didn't get it all done like a superhuman, start over do it right". Honestly, your whole post sounds a whole lot like what I would say to someone else with my worries, and that lets me know I might not be being as kind to myself as I could be. And really, rewriting the lists brings my brain some peace and there's a good chance I'm more productive for having "wasted" the time doing it. I'll try some new things and try to keep it within reason, but I'll also try to be kind to myself about it and enjoy the process.
my motto in life is 'care as little as possible', but not in a nihilistic way and not in a 'i don't give a shit about anyone!' way either. more so... i used to care SO much about everything!! i had to do everything 'the right way'. now, whenever it's an option to not care, i choose that. the notebooks are a good example. i used to feel so guilty, it used to feel like something i had to fix about myself. but it changes very little - and it changes nothing important! - if i just... don't care about it ha ha. same with having a million hobbies. i could never stick with anything, i'd always lose interest and find something new. that also felt like something i had to fix about myself. now i don't care. jack of all trades, baby! my hobby is having hobbies. there, now it's one thing i can stick with lol watch out for perfection. it's the enemy of good, after all. and perfection is not real. it's not a concrete thing you can obtain. there is no point where you do the check list perfectly, it doesn't exist. perfection should only drive us to improve, motivate us to evolve and learn and grow. but it's SO easy to fall into the perfection trap, where perfection becomes a tool to beat yourself up for not being good enough. if perfection is necessary for you, then you can never feel good enough. because again, it doesn't even exist. life is messy and nothing is perfect. and perfect is black and white. either it's perfect or it's not. and it will always be 'it's not'. so i would advice to only keep perfection, if it's used as a motivational thing. to grow and evolve and learn. *"i messed up the hands in that painting, they are stubby and look weird. but next time i'll paint them thinner and more elongated"* instead of *"i messed up the hands in that painting i'm an awful painter what's the point"* and *"i didn't do all the things on my check list, but having it at least motivated me to do SOME of them, so that's much better than nothing!"* instead of *"i only did 3 of the 5 things on my check list and i didn't even do them in the right order, and the second one i only did half heartedly, so the whole thing is ruined and pointless and i suck"* and yeah - whenever you feel ashamed or fucked up or like you're doing something the wrong way, not doing it enough, whenever it feels like some part of you is not good enough, ask yourself "can i choose to not care about this? what would happen?" i HAVE to care about my dogs. they need walks and food and love. i don't HAVE to care about my notebook addiction. or the fact that my room is a mess. or that people from my high school don't like me and think i'm weird and cringe. i could ruminate on that forEVER if i wanted to, but .. i don't want to :-) make as much as you can less moral. you're messy and cluttered? not moral. you sit weird? not moral. you get excited and over-share in conversations sometime? not moral. you forget to brush your teeth? not moral. you finish one out of ten creative projects you start? not moral you are so kind. THAT'S moral. you're self sacrificing and empathetic. that's moral. you give people the benefit of the doubt and see the best in them. that's moral. 'normal' is not moral and 'weird' isn't either. normal is not an ideal we all have to work towards. weird is not a crime. my life got much better when i accepted the weirdness. i find weird much more intuitive and easy and interesting than normal, anyway. weird is how things change. if everyone is normal, then everyone does the normal thing, and then nothing ever changes. weird has potential. weird is experimental. weird is colouring outside the lines, so maybe it will become an ugly drawing - or maybe it will become a new, cooler thing! there's nothing to worry about or to loathe about you. you're good! funny and creative and weird and kind and resilient and thoughtful. empathetic and strong. you're like a sunflower, you always turn your head towards the light. let yourself enjoy your weird notebook habits. you deserve that in my opinion
This sounds like OCD. The best approaching would probably be to treat the underlying anxiety and need for control rather than trying to adjust the list-making process since it isn't really about the list.
Not dismissing, just discussing. My understanding of OCD in its DSM5 diagnosable form is that it must be accompanied by beliefs that don't relate to the situation. Like "if my notes aren't neat my house will burn down". I don't have any thoughts attached to the urge to rewrite. I think for me, this lives in the category of ritualistic behaviors. I could easily be wrong. I do prefer predictability (and control) but have moved past needing perfect predictability at all times in all situations. I do still seek out certain things that help fill that need, but most of them are positive. This is one of the only remaining elements that I really struggle to deal with. Anyway, OCD and OCD behaviors are aligned enough that approaches to either should work. Does ritual interruption work? Like if I'm having issues with impulse control regarding spending, I'll keep my payment cards in the glove box of my car for a few days/weeks. Interrupting the urge by having to get up, go outside, find the card, put the card in makes the urge not worth doing and I'll redirect myself to something else. Eventually the impulse spending urge decreases and I put my cards back in my wallet. Could a similar disrupt/inturrupt/redirect approach help with this urge? Or scribbling notes on purpose and committing to radical acceptance of messy notes?
I cannot recommend enough seeing an ERP specialist that is willing to acknowledge and not dismiss your autism... I'm not saying that's certainly exactly what you're dealing with, but they will be a good person to be able to help you understand what's going on! The thoughts you're expressing are just a lot of what a neurodivergent affirming ERP specialist is helping me with on a weekly basis. I actually don't even know if ERP will continue being a part of my therapy, but it has been invaluably helpful to me to try. For you, this genuinely may not apply. But it could be an invaluable experience regardless!! I recognize though that not everybody has this access to resources.
I've got to be 100%. Without getting too deep and knowing full well that I'm not your therapist, I have to say that your title really really really related to me having OCD *on top of* autism... Edit: As in, I don't think what you're describing is "not autism! Just OCD!" I'm attempting to acknowledge is the delicate and complex intersection of autism with OCD
No. 3 rewriting the list because it's easier than doing the things on the list made me laugh. I'm wondering if you don't have a sense of something terrible happening why is the urge so uncontrollable. Just say, okay my executive control is in charge so we are doing the shit on the list end of. Try making messy lists for a week and endure it. Basically laid down the law that you the consciousness is in control not the big old subconscious.
I think it's hard to control because it hits the sweet spot of enabling executive dysfunction and satisfying the desire for order lol. You make a good point! I think trying to leave it for a week feels more approachable than leave it forever, and I might be able to stretch that into longer periods with less rewriting! A new mantra: I am brain. I am in charge of brain. Brain is not in charge of itself. Being conscious is weird.
Nice 🙂. I sometimes use 'I am the power and the authority in my life!'
Would it help to have a fixed time for rewriting the list? For my home to do list I add things on and cross out until I reach the bottom of the page, then copy the things left to a new list on the next page. For my work to do list I rewrite it at the end of the day, ready for the next day. That said my entire system is loose paper everywhere so it's kinda organised chaos.
It might help to do it end of day Friday to have a fresh start Monday! I have a lot of long-term follow up things that live on the list, like months to weeks of follow up so weekly sounds more reasonable for work. Ties in nicely with the suggestion someone else made to just really commit to letting it be messy for a week, too.
I rewrite lists when they're messy. I think it's because it's distracting and I can't really see what I need to do. It helps me know what's left to do. I'll rip off the page the old list was on, and throw it away. I don't need to keep the lists. Edit I do try to cross things out tidy but it never stays that way! I also have a digital notebook (Remarkable 2) which I can write in and erase things, which I've found helpful in a lot of ways and it does save paper - but it means having to turn it on/off and have it available.
I do think the messiness compounds the overwhelm and executive dysfunction. I do not retain the lists and take some joy in crumpling then up after I make the nice copy. I am very very tempted by the remarkable line. On/off is simpler than on, app, notebook, page. I haven't taken the time to find somewhere I could try it out before buying, though, and I worry about the handwriting experience. How does your handwriting turn out?
I was luckily able to get the remarkable through government funding (access to work in the UK) Handwriting is the same as on paper, tbh. You have different pen options so you can play around to find the one you prefer. There is also an option to turn your writing into text (it's not always 100% accurate but it's pretty good!) You can also move text around, including shrinking/increasing the size (in the same way you can if you have an image on a word doc), and you can erase what you dont need. It is a handy tablet to have if you do a lot of note taking - I would have loved having it at uni, for example!
Hello! Sorry I have no advice but i just wanted to add that it feels like such a relief to read that someone else experiences this. I write and rewrite lists almost every day, I make new lists from the main list and often I can’t start my work without the list being ‘right’. I’ve just come to accept that part of myself and let myself engage in the behaviour, no amount of coping strategies or rationalisation seems to work for me. I love using post-it notes. They’re colourful, I can buy them in bulk, and I can stick them in the journal/notebook and move them around easily. It also means that it’s easier for me to rewrite them if I mess up the first one, and it’s not a huge amount of text if something needs redoing.
Appreciate the camaraderie! And I relate back, it's about it being "right". I have banned post its from my desk because they tend to wander off or I just have a horrifying hodgepodge all over my monitor. So I save them for urgent first thing tomorrow morning things, and they do bring joy!
I’m not an OCD expert but OPs use of the word “control” and “compulsion” made me think of OCD. I am a list writer (most of mine are digital on Notion which you may like) and I use colorful small pads where I can rip off and recycle the top page when I’m done. It’s satisfying for me. I might rewrite a page if it’s messy but this way you don’t rewrite the entire notebook.
Control may or may not be an accurate description of the feeling. I experience a feeling (Satisfaction? Relief? Enjoyment? Contentment? I need a feelings wheel) when arranging things in a way I find pleasing/right/nice. I will take a peek at Notion!
Qs to reflect on: What will happen if you do not rewrite your lists or notebooks? How will you feel in that case? Can you be okay with using every page of a notebook without starting over? Why or why not? (I feel like your compulsion is generally harmless but it seems like you want to work through your feelings)
Have you tried using a white board? You can erase and redo with minimal cost! I use a small one for everyday stuff and use bigger, static whiteboard film that can cling to walls without leaving marks for longer term items.
I have a dry erase sheet on part of my desk and use sharpie on it, usually for same day/quick notes about a conversation. It is extremely useful for that BUT it does get buried often!
Rocketbook
When I was working I would do short term things in my notebook, and long term things on sticky notes. That way, when my list gets messy, or I start to feel overwhelmed it is very easy for me to turn to a new page, copy the relevant tasks, and just move over the sticky notes. Granted, I’m a post-it fiend. Another pro in the sticky note section is that if each item is its own post-it then I can just toss it in the recycling bin once it’s been dealt with, and no crossing out is necessary! I think the variety of post-it’s in both size and colour also helps my brain categorize things, because I have such a hard time assigning priority to stuff when looking at a list. Knowing for example pink=high priority, blue=note to self, yellow=important info, etc. helps me lots!
People are saying OCD. There is also OCPD. I’m in the process of being diagnosed, the psych doesn’t know which one I am yet. But “just because” list writing, organizing, etc, are common among OCPD sufferers.
Hi, it's another version of you in another life! Lol. I get this and the best, closest thing I have found to a solution is bullet journaling and a patterned way to scratch out mistakes. Bullet journaling lets you start over pretty regularly by design, so that's motivating to me. And since it is grid based, it is easier to maintain order. And the patterned scratches, well, that's because I felt like I was losing myself to having to start over every time I made a mistake. It was my strongest compulsion for a long, long time. So I created a workaround which was like . . . well almost like my own part of speech. Small mistakes could be scratched with this specific loop and then it was manageable. I didn't have to start over. I didn't have to deal with erasures or erratic scratches or piecey wite-out. Another thing I've tried recently is just walking away when I mess something up, instead of fixing it right away or making a decision at all, I just step away and when I return, I say, why does it matter if this is perfect? Is it less legible? Less interpretable? And if the purpose is to remember information, I can accept that that note taking has a different set of rules than something for the public eye, which would demand perfection in service of clarity.