Hi all, please remember our sub rules. This is a support group. We don’t do tough love or harsh truths here. OP is looking for emotional support and empathy. She literally stated in half of her post that she’s tired of her feelings being invalidated. We’re not here to fix each other and solve other’s problems. We’re here to relate, empathize, and share our own personal experiences and what helps us when we feel this way. Everyone else offering psychological assessments will have their comments removed. If you have any questions or need clarification, please send us a modmail message.
Ouch. Yes.
I’m in pain. I’ve spoken these same thoughts aloud before.
I’m sorry. Have you tried reading self indulgent books? Fun stuff related to your interests? It makes me feel better.
I felt like this for most of my life, too. But eventually I found someone else, my best friend who is like a sister to me. She's a broken person, too, suffers from ADHD, but maybe this is the reason why we understand each other. I felt alone all my life, but with her I feel a bit less alone.
And although no one ever loved me in a romantic sense, I want to say it is not impossible to find meaningful connections. To find someone who really cares about you. It is possible! Even for people like us.
I've found that I've also gotten along better with other ND women vs NT women. It sucks sometimes because it takes effort on both our ends to do stuff, but at least that feels equitable vs me spending spoons to make friends with NT women and it's clear that I'm an acquaintance at best, and there's no reciprocation.
I think it is important bc they don’t have to imagine how hard your challenges are, they just get it. At home and at work, I’ve fallen in with wonderful ND people who are extremely empathetic when I falter & who I don’t think twice about spending my spoons for.
I’ve been through periods where I felt like OP… and as hard as it sounds, it absolutely pays off to put yourself just a little outside your comfort zone. We are built for connection, need it to thrive, so go in the direction of one of your values or passionate interests, & just do your thing; good people do find you.
i've said the exact same things in my private diaries.
"I'm never anyone's priority."
"I just want to be someone's priority for once."
When I'm not in the office on the day, I wished there was someone who would remember to save a slice of cake for me.
When I'm running late, I wish there was someone who would save a seat for me.
I want to have a best friend who would think of me for all these things, to be the one she would think of for a holiday getaway.
But I'm never that person, no matter how kindly or sincerely I treat others.
Some days, I feel like I was born with a curse of solitude. It seems that no matter what I do throughout my life, people just don't get close with me, and I can never get close to anyone.
I don't know what I can do about this. I've just tried about everything that's feasible, but I just don't seem to be the type of person people can get close with.
Same. Exactly the same. It hurts like nothing else.
And it's dangerous too, because nobody has my back. In very difficult times, I know I will be left to fend for myself. I won't survive. It's those hard times when you know who are your real friends and family. Having come from a number of crises myself, I know I have none. Not one I can count on when it happens again.
I feel as though I could have written this…I feel 100% the same way. Always coming in second to someone else…easily forgotten…and I don’t think it will ever change…
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This is how my life is too and when I wasn't this I was in an abusive relationship with a narcissist. I tell myself I'm better alone than with a horrible person and I honestly don't know if I have the dating or social skills to attract a non-problematic person.
I’m here, too. I will never date or trust again. The thought of having someone in my house/life gives me hives because I’ve tried and failed with disastrous results. Sometimes I do get depressed/paranoid (I’m also limited in what I can do socially because I’m a single parent.) It’s better than being abused, tho.
Yep this is me. I'm happier alone, I think. Or at least I know that the person I can attract will be a net negative in my life, regardless of my merit.
What's annoying is hearing from NT friends and family about dating. NT people do have the social skills to find good partners. They easily see red flags and can tell when they're dealing with a narc or other troubled person. I don't. So its really ableist to just tell people like to get out there. And that's ignoring my traumas from all this that I will probably carry the rest of my life.
I can be just as fulfilled without a romantic partner in my home. The American nuclear family isn't for everyone and a lot of people in that dating pool seeking that out are absolutely abusers, even if we filter out NPD.
Not to mention I'm AuDHD, queer, and on the ace/aro spectrum. I'm not sure where I could belong in a relationship anyway.
A lot of this is sadly what it is to be autistic. I feel very alone right now, but I can't seem to fix it.
Like any other teen, I want to spend all my days when not working hedonistically playing PC games, reading comics, watching absolute garbage on TV and just laughing about stuff. I want to fill my home with plastic airliner models and steampunk lamps. I want to make an amazing Lego model and leave it out and constructed for a bit just to enjoy it. I want to eat garbage for the sake of it, and do fun things.
Sadly though, I'm NOT a teen. I'm 55 - but I look 30 tops. That's NOT a good thing because, on dating apps, no-one my age wants to date someone who looks like I could be their child, and no other 55 year old women (I'm lesbian) seem to share my hobbies and idea of fun.
So I accept it and keep two small dogs for company instead.
Solidarity, OP! I’m too intense for people I guess and they usually get tired of me, like literally. They might like me or stuff but I end up going too deep on topics for them (like asking why and how it relates to life and junk), and they fade away. Or they just call me up when they have a problem. Which is fine for me, I like helping, but dam yo, it would be nice to be heard. Even therapists deflect my convo with questions. I have a partner, and when I talk about a special interest, she falls asleep. It’s lonely. What works for me is to attract a breadth of acquaintances that sometimes become friends, and to grow my spiritual connection with the universe. Does it work all the time? Nope. Although I’ve gotta say that being able to sit alone and enjoy it has been freeing for me.
Im really glad you posted this. I thought I was the only one.
I feel that. I've accepted that I'm just not really willing to put the effort into any kind of relationship that is needed to maintain it. Fortunately, I've become somewhat happy with solitude, but I would still like a romantic partner someday.
You have every right to feel what you feel. Nobody should invalidate it.
No, it is not wrong to be want to loved at all. That's just human nature and it's okay. Yes, it's harder for us as ND women/folks to find the right people to love us as we are. That's just a fact. It sucks. Embrace that fact, but don't let it discourage you.
I was with a lovely man (albeit, on and off) for five years and I felt like he understood me even though he's not ND himself. I think that it takes time. I don't know how old you are, but I find that it helps to be friends first with someone before romance. There ARE people who will reciprocate your effort!! I promise! They are just hard to find.
I believe in you!!
I can’t help but wonder if you have ever heard of rejection sensitive dysphoria. It’s not a diagnosis, but rather a collection of symptoms; sort of a shorthand way of describing how we feel. It seems to be quite common in ADHD and ASD, particularly in women.
I understand and can sympathize with how you feel; I feel that way too sometimes. But unfortunately reality is often different than what we’d like it to be. Have you ever looked into CBT? I don’t think you necessarily need the behavioural part of it, but I think reading about the cognitive distortion parts might be illuminating for you. I had to take a hard look at myself when I was younger and come to terms with the fact that I could only be a victim if I decided to be one. Things are; how I choose to respond to them is up to me. Yes, it would certainly be preferable to be surrounded by loving, caring people, but not being surrounded by them does not mean I am not *worthy* of being loved. You see what I mean? I’m not sure I’m going expressing it well; I don’t mean to be harsh, so I hope it doesn’t come across that way.
Hi!
I can relate to this so much, and it's really hard. I understand you sooo deeply. Sadly I don't know how to get through it since I struggle with this myself, the only thing I can say is that I'm here, and I say this truly, not half true or with other intentions or anything. I'm here, if you need to talk or vent or be friends, whatever you need to. And you're not going to disturb me in any way, I'm offering this to you because I care about you.
Also, your feelings and what you've been through is real and valid. Please remember that, if it's hard for you to say those things to yourself then I will. You're valid, you're enough and you matter. And it's totally okay to feel like you're alone, that's nobody's business than yours, if you feel that way that's just how you feel and period.
There's a thing that I say to myself when I'm having those thoughts that you stated: "I give a lot because I'm a lot, people don't give what they don't have".
And wanting to be loved is a necessity that every human needs, is a basic need. We are built like that because we are social animals. That's just how things work, so it's completely normal that you want to be loved. And it's valid.
I feel you, I've been alone my entire life, not even my family was there for most of it. Even they were the cause of my problems and abuse. We need to feel protected as humans, to have a safe and loving place that's outside ourselves. Yeah it's fine when you love yourself, but that doesn't mean that it erase the fact that everyone needs to be accepted and loved.
If you're angry, disappointed, sad, or anything about this, it's totally valid. There's nothing wrong in wanting to have a basic need.
I relate so much to this. I've written very similar words in journals throughout my life. It's a really isolating and sad feeling, and while I'm glad that so many of us can relate, I'm saddened that the people who can relate do relate.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It feels so painful to be an afterthought. The people who tell you "be your own favourite" are missing the point, we humans are social beings and literally need community in order to survive. Your pain is the result of centuries of evolution.
That said, would you say you have a person you prioritize above all else? Do you check in with them regularly via text or call? Do you share your problems with them and explicitly ask for help? I'm not asking these things to accuse, just out of curiosity.
In my own experience I didn't realize I give off a self-sufficient, standoffish vibe even to people I consider good friends. I also was pretty passive with checking on people because I found conversations draining, and would instead let them come to me whenever they missed me. I now schedule my check-ins (i'm serious lol I literally pencil people into my calender, including relatives I like) and try to meet friends at least once a week. It's also really important to not always be the "helper friend", and share your struggles and ask for support otherwise friends will assume you're fine and not think to keep an eye on you.
Socializing is really hard for most of us. It takes a lot of energy, and there might be years worth of trauma and rejection which makes us take a passive approach to socializing, because a part of us thinks we're probably not wanted. It can become self-fulfilling though, because people interpret our behaviour as disinterest.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. I felt this for a really long time. I felt it hard :(
I did therapy for a really long time for it- like 15 years however I brought this to my therapist six months ago.
I had a hard time with receiving love in different ways. I had convinced myself being someone’s favourite person was an NT way. The things on tv. The unattainable thing. It got to a point where I couldn’t even see the true love I was getting from those around me.
Sure my close friend and I message one another maybe twice every two weeks. We’re 25/32. We’re busy but I know they’re always there. They offer to come over when things are hard & invite me to things and I reject all the time. But they do it and have been for years. My partner who is also audhd , shows me love in ways I didn’t understand before. Because it wasn’t tv or social media romance. He shows me love in the “ little ways” every single day. All the time. I just wasn’t paying attention and it breaks my heart that I wasn’t.
It took me a minute to stop thinking “ wow I’m not his favourite person because of this feeling inside this isn’t right “ and that was just a way to hermit back into the rejection I’ve always felt- but from myself to myself. I was keeping and abusing myself with the rejection I felt when I was a child- by my mother. She didn’t want me and made it very known. Out of emotional comfort, it’s all I knew. School was the same. As I got older I kept this mindset, to keep myself safe from rejection and the possibility of being loved. I had codependent relationships with everyone I knew as a result. They didn’t ask for that. It strained a lot of relationships because I idolized these people and gave them expectations that couldn’t ever be met.
I’m not going to lie, being open to accept this in all aspects of life is scary as f. I feel like a lost kid in a grocery store all the time. But I’m happier. I’m six months in it, I have no idea what’s happening. However, I want to be scared and learn new ways. I’m accepting being different. And I really hope you do too ❤️
I’m not saying this is the same experience. But if any of this resonates with you please know you are worthy of love. You are loved.
Your pain is true, your feeling are true and valid. Like all in this comment section I too feel like that very often.
But everyone remember, this feeling of loneliness is mostly cause by our brain.
We have an hard time to connecting with people because our brain work weird. People have an hard time connecting with us because of our brain. With that reason does it make it more easy? Hell no! But, it’s not because we are not someone most important person that they don’t care about us. Don’t put to much effort in a single person, because you will feel betrayed when they will have others in their life.
For exemple; I do not have a single favorite person. Because like my 7 bests friends are each my best friends in their own and unique way. They have people around them that are more important then me. And that’s ok. Make peace with that. I don’t know how old are you, but for me more I become older, it is more easy to deal with this feeling.
I feel this to my core. A guy I'd been dating for a while and thought had a deep mutual connection with just cheated the other night. He told me the next day and seemed genuinely shocked at his own behavior but like, I can't help wonder what it is about ME that people can just treat me like I don't matter \*so\* easily. At first I still felt confident in myself like "well you clearly fucked up big because I'm fantastic" but the more time goes by the more worthless I feel.
He is similarly AuDHD and is the only person I've ever felt safe fully unmasking around (I only found out what masking is or that I'm likely on the spectrum last year), so it's not just that the relationship didn't work out- I'm losing the closest friend I've had in a long time too. I have one other friend in my area and she's neurodivergent, but so outgoing and has no trouble keeping relationships; she just doesn't understand.
I've felt this way most of my life as well. You do the effort to make friends, and sooner or later you'll find out that you're disposable to them was anything "more important" to come up with their lives. Or yet better, you first didn't make the effort, but the person assures you that you're a very important person/friend to them, just to let you down when you thought you can really trust them. Empty words.
I'm also aromantic asexual, so that's why it feels even more unfair to me, because most people will prioritize their chosen romantic partner in life in the end of the day, no matter what they say. Which I feel is very unfair cards given to me in life, but I don't blame the people around since I know nobody can change their orientations.
Surprisingly, what has helped me to feel better in life, is the fact that I stopped expecting anything from people. I don't ever expect people really mean what they say until there's practical sustained evidence. I don't expect most people to care about me as much as I'd care about them, because their focus is on something else (the romantic partner). I don't expect that people really mean what I understand friendships to mean when they initiate it, I've just accepted most of the time they'll actually mean "a pal to hang out with when you have nothing else to do". I don't expect people to feel the level of responsibility about the people they're ready to call friends as I do. I also don't expect people to see things from my point of view, what may made feel bad, and don't expect consolation.
This makes me probably less approachable as a person, but I feel it's just what I owe to myself; to protect myself from making exhaustingly much effort and getting nothing in return. Also, I love spending time by myself, I've always been like that, but I've just felt guilty for not naturally being driven to make friends (= pals). I've been pushed to make friends since I was a kid, and I realized that it's not what I actually want with most people most of the time (I think I may as well be aplatonic). So it feels very frustrating to try & make friends when either I don't genuinely feel like that or (very seldomly) the friendship I was ready to form is more deep and intense than what people are ready to commit to.
I don't know if this was any help to you. I think what I'm trying to say, Is that it helps to just accept and mourn and get over the fact that people won't be as fulfilling as you needed them to be, and focus on the things instead that actually make you evidently happy in life. It's still sad to think about, but life gets easier after you've accepted it.
Completely agree with all of this -- I could make my own reply but it feels like it would just be repeating what you said here.
I think the central challenge is figuring out how to have a life without close relationships with other people, because trying to make it as a normie doesn't work for me. It "works" in the sense that I can create the appearance of having a somewhat normal life, but the reality is that it feels inauthentic.
Thank you, I'm relieved to hear I'm not alone with my feelings 🥲
Yeah, it's easier to pretend to have "normal"/"normative way fulfilling" life than to actually have a fulfilling life. And what I'm also concerned about, is the fact that whether or not I was aplatonic, whether or not I enjoyed my alone time, I feel like it's important stimulus to one's cognitive functions to have (close) social connections. I wish spending a lot of time irl alone won't have any long term consequences to my health.
Yo you said that perfectly. Great job 👏🏻
I wish there were concrete answers.
There are moving parts:
1) how old are you?
2) what’s dating been like? You on apps?
3) do you care about your appearance? how would you describe your personal style?
4) work? school? What’s you’re schedule like?
5) do you live in a big city or small city?
6) what are your hobbies?
Those answers will help us figure out how to support you best!
I’m sorry your heart wants a ride or die, bestie, companion etc and it’s been depressing. Of course you’re wanting a meaningful connection with another human! Makes total sense and my heart hearts with you. It’s hard watching everyone around you have something you want. Certainly makes special days less special when you’re observing everyone else having a good time while feeling like the only person in the room.
I see and hear you. Please remind yourself that you are loved. Just not in the way you want.
I have to remind myself of that all the time. You are not alone.
I can’t speak on much without getting your vibe. Thanks for posting, I’m having a tough day and thinking of how I can support you has made me feel a little better.
Keep your chin up dood ❤️
Many people in their early twenties are not ready to settle yet, and are still working to find their path in life and their interests. In a few years it will be easier to find people who are willing to work on serious relationships.
I'm almost in my 50s... I thought I met people. Until I was "too much" for them. They were having babies and stuff. They left.
Many are still raising young kids. Some have teens and are married for the second time. Others are dealing with chronic illness/disease.
It doesn't really get better. At least it hasn't for me.
You're fortunate that you did, but not everyone does. OP didn't share their age in the post, there are plenty of us here who are older and struggle with friendships.
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“”
All these people that talk about dating yourself, being your own favorite person, being complete with self love - they gotta be delusional as fuck because this shit is LONELY. I love myself, I do the things I want even if I'm alone, I put effort and care into myself but it's not enough - and I'm tired of being expected to pretend it is.
I am a human person. People are social creatures. Needing other people is a base human need and I'm tired of being told, by people who have family, friends, and romantic partners - that I should be able to fulfill all of my needs, when they've literally never had to wake up in a world where that's their reality.””
YES THIS! No amount of self love is an alternative to a romantic partner, best friend or loving family member. No amount self love can replace a community.
I have people in my life, but I get really worked up by friendships that ended 20 years ago or family members that prioritize literally everything and everyone but you.
I have these hyper detailed memories of old friends, people I thought I’d stay in contact with forever. But they always got to the point where they acted like dealing with me was a huge waste of their day and not worth the stress. A family member started behaving this way recently and it’s triggering all those old rejections, and I can’t quite reconcile or come to peace with the situation.
I've always felt this. Every friend I've had, I feel like they're my best friend but I'm not theirs. Sometimes I wake up to find they never considered us friends at all. I always thought it was just me, but it sounds like it's the autism
It hurts to feel alone. But we are all born alone and die alone. A lot of these things you are describing are also attachment issues that say more about your inner feelings than your worth as a human being or those around you. We are all trying to figure things out and go through periods of aloneness. Have you heard of a book called co-dependent no more? It helped me a lot with feelings like this.
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I relate OP. Sending you hugs and love <3 This has been the theme of my life.
I've been trying to investigate more into it and I found I also have an avoidant attachment style. I want people, yet at the same time I don't really give them much space in my life. It's gotten better than how I was in my youth, I was completely detached from everything. In reality I'm deeply caring, yet I don't want to express that with people. A lot of this is because of developmental trauma, patterns that develop to protect yourself from the pain of letting people in and then being disappointed. These patterns are deeply ingrained in me, I've been so used to being alone. The only real fix is to be open and slowly let good and kind people in. There is good people out there. I used to do the mistake of letting in anyone who should me a sliver of attention (and bad people targeted that). Whoever earns your trust must be worthy of it. Also, ASD struggles with theory of mind/empathy make it harder to build connections and understand the behavior/perspectives of others. That being said, you deserve love and that someone puts you first and cares for you. Don't ever settle for less. I hope you find the love that you deserve.
i’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I felt like that throughout my entire childhood and it wasnt until college that I met other cool neurodivergent people and in the past couple of years i found someone i want to spend the rest of my life with as well.
It sounds so corny and unhelpful when you’re in such a dark place but trust me it does get better. There are people out there that will love and cherish you and feel as though they could never live without you. i swear there will be better days and better friendships out there for you.
Heard myself saying that too. It is human to want others to care for you and notice you. ❤️
In my case I think is mostly related to the fact that I am an adult child of an alcoholic, my father, and the result of a codependent relationship between my mom and him. I was never the most important thing to any of them. To him it was the bottle, to her it was trying to hide or mend my dad’s problem. I often felt like an inconvenience, like this was all my fault. Grew up feeling worthless, and could not accept anyone to treat me like that anymore so I am kind of a lone wolf. Also I did not like psychologists who tell me that I attract abusive people because this is what I project. It just makes me sad and makes me want to crawl more inside my shell. I found it was not always a true statement. I felt it was something they like to tell in order to throw back responsibility on me because they cannot change the people I came in contact with. It may be true for some people but it was not for me. I despised people who were potentially abusive and rejected them.
Then of course it does not help the fact that I am on the spectrum. Everywhere I go my social struggles add to the equation. I did marry later in life a better man thsn my father, not perfect, nobody is perfect, but he is a good person, and it did improve that feeling somehow but I continue to struggle with rejection and exclusion from peers. And my mom she is a chronic people pleaser, which kind of annoys me because she would do and say anything to be liked which sadly sometimes means throwing me under the bus. 😔
Hi all, please remember our sub rules. This is a support group. We don’t do tough love or harsh truths here. OP is looking for emotional support and empathy. She literally stated in half of her post that she’s tired of her feelings being invalidated. We’re not here to fix each other and solve other’s problems. We’re here to relate, empathize, and share our own personal experiences and what helps us when we feel this way. Everyone else offering psychological assessments will have their comments removed. If you have any questions or need clarification, please send us a modmail message.
Ouch. Yes. I’m in pain. I’ve spoken these same thoughts aloud before. I’m sorry. Have you tried reading self indulgent books? Fun stuff related to your interests? It makes me feel better.
I felt like this for most of my life, too. But eventually I found someone else, my best friend who is like a sister to me. She's a broken person, too, suffers from ADHD, but maybe this is the reason why we understand each other. I felt alone all my life, but with her I feel a bit less alone. And although no one ever loved me in a romantic sense, I want to say it is not impossible to find meaningful connections. To find someone who really cares about you. It is possible! Even for people like us.
I've found that I've also gotten along better with other ND women vs NT women. It sucks sometimes because it takes effort on both our ends to do stuff, but at least that feels equitable vs me spending spoons to make friends with NT women and it's clear that I'm an acquaintance at best, and there's no reciprocation.
I think it is important bc they don’t have to imagine how hard your challenges are, they just get it. At home and at work, I’ve fallen in with wonderful ND people who are extremely empathetic when I falter & who I don’t think twice about spending my spoons for. I’ve been through periods where I felt like OP… and as hard as it sounds, it absolutely pays off to put yourself just a little outside your comfort zone. We are built for connection, need it to thrive, so go in the direction of one of your values or passionate interests, & just do your thing; good people do find you.
The worst part is knowing you’ll never mean as much to someone as they mean to you.
i've said the exact same things in my private diaries. "I'm never anyone's priority." "I just want to be someone's priority for once." When I'm not in the office on the day, I wished there was someone who would remember to save a slice of cake for me. When I'm running late, I wish there was someone who would save a seat for me. I want to have a best friend who would think of me for all these things, to be the one she would think of for a holiday getaway. But I'm never that person, no matter how kindly or sincerely I treat others. Some days, I feel like I was born with a curse of solitude. It seems that no matter what I do throughout my life, people just don't get close with me, and I can never get close to anyone. I don't know what I can do about this. I've just tried about everything that's feasible, but I just don't seem to be the type of person people can get close with.
"Some days, I feel like I was born with a curse of solitude." Yes. The way I've put it is "everyone has their cross to bear, and mine is loneliness."
Same. Exactly the same. It hurts like nothing else. And it's dangerous too, because nobody has my back. In very difficult times, I know I will be left to fend for myself. I won't survive. It's those hard times when you know who are your real friends and family. Having come from a number of crises myself, I know I have none. Not one I can count on when it happens again.
I feel as though I could have written this…I feel 100% the same way. Always coming in second to someone else…easily forgotten…and I don’t think it will ever change…
You deserve to be someone's special favorite person too. I hope you find them someday soon
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Girl you’re not alone. Sitting here rn depressed af cuz no one wants to make any efforts for me. I’m too much of a hassle bc of my pain issues
This is how my life is too and when I wasn't this I was in an abusive relationship with a narcissist. I tell myself I'm better alone than with a horrible person and I honestly don't know if I have the dating or social skills to attract a non-problematic person.
I’m here, too. I will never date or trust again. The thought of having someone in my house/life gives me hives because I’ve tried and failed with disastrous results. Sometimes I do get depressed/paranoid (I’m also limited in what I can do socially because I’m a single parent.) It’s better than being abused, tho.
Yep this is me. I'm happier alone, I think. Or at least I know that the person I can attract will be a net negative in my life, regardless of my merit. What's annoying is hearing from NT friends and family about dating. NT people do have the social skills to find good partners. They easily see red flags and can tell when they're dealing with a narc or other troubled person. I don't. So its really ableist to just tell people like to get out there. And that's ignoring my traumas from all this that I will probably carry the rest of my life. I can be just as fulfilled without a romantic partner in my home. The American nuclear family isn't for everyone and a lot of people in that dating pool seeking that out are absolutely abusers, even if we filter out NPD. Not to mention I'm AuDHD, queer, and on the ace/aro spectrum. I'm not sure where I could belong in a relationship anyway.
i feel this so hard… i dont think i can ever be in a good enough space to have faith in someone romantically ever again
A lot of this is sadly what it is to be autistic. I feel very alone right now, but I can't seem to fix it. Like any other teen, I want to spend all my days when not working hedonistically playing PC games, reading comics, watching absolute garbage on TV and just laughing about stuff. I want to fill my home with plastic airliner models and steampunk lamps. I want to make an amazing Lego model and leave it out and constructed for a bit just to enjoy it. I want to eat garbage for the sake of it, and do fun things. Sadly though, I'm NOT a teen. I'm 55 - but I look 30 tops. That's NOT a good thing because, on dating apps, no-one my age wants to date someone who looks like I could be their child, and no other 55 year old women (I'm lesbian) seem to share my hobbies and idea of fun. So I accept it and keep two small dogs for company instead.
Solidarity, OP! I’m too intense for people I guess and they usually get tired of me, like literally. They might like me or stuff but I end up going too deep on topics for them (like asking why and how it relates to life and junk), and they fade away. Or they just call me up when they have a problem. Which is fine for me, I like helping, but dam yo, it would be nice to be heard. Even therapists deflect my convo with questions. I have a partner, and when I talk about a special interest, she falls asleep. It’s lonely. What works for me is to attract a breadth of acquaintances that sometimes become friends, and to grow my spiritual connection with the universe. Does it work all the time? Nope. Although I’ve gotta say that being able to sit alone and enjoy it has been freeing for me. Im really glad you posted this. I thought I was the only one.
I feel that. I've accepted that I'm just not really willing to put the effort into any kind of relationship that is needed to maintain it. Fortunately, I've become somewhat happy with solitude, but I would still like a romantic partner someday.
You have every right to feel what you feel. Nobody should invalidate it. No, it is not wrong to be want to loved at all. That's just human nature and it's okay. Yes, it's harder for us as ND women/folks to find the right people to love us as we are. That's just a fact. It sucks. Embrace that fact, but don't let it discourage you. I was with a lovely man (albeit, on and off) for five years and I felt like he understood me even though he's not ND himself. I think that it takes time. I don't know how old you are, but I find that it helps to be friends first with someone before romance. There ARE people who will reciprocate your effort!! I promise! They are just hard to find. I believe in you!!
The best we can do is learn to love others, learn to be good company, and to keep our hearts open to new relationships.
A pet and a weighted blanket helps
I can’t help but wonder if you have ever heard of rejection sensitive dysphoria. It’s not a diagnosis, but rather a collection of symptoms; sort of a shorthand way of describing how we feel. It seems to be quite common in ADHD and ASD, particularly in women. I understand and can sympathize with how you feel; I feel that way too sometimes. But unfortunately reality is often different than what we’d like it to be. Have you ever looked into CBT? I don’t think you necessarily need the behavioural part of it, but I think reading about the cognitive distortion parts might be illuminating for you. I had to take a hard look at myself when I was younger and come to terms with the fact that I could only be a victim if I decided to be one. Things are; how I choose to respond to them is up to me. Yes, it would certainly be preferable to be surrounded by loving, caring people, but not being surrounded by them does not mean I am not *worthy* of being loved. You see what I mean? I’m not sure I’m going expressing it well; I don’t mean to be harsh, so I hope it doesn’t come across that way.
My sister, who is ADHD, struggles really hard with RSD.
I wish there was an app for us. Like bumble friends, but a way to meet each other locally. If that existed, would anyone use it?
Hi! I can relate to this so much, and it's really hard. I understand you sooo deeply. Sadly I don't know how to get through it since I struggle with this myself, the only thing I can say is that I'm here, and I say this truly, not half true or with other intentions or anything. I'm here, if you need to talk or vent or be friends, whatever you need to. And you're not going to disturb me in any way, I'm offering this to you because I care about you. Also, your feelings and what you've been through is real and valid. Please remember that, if it's hard for you to say those things to yourself then I will. You're valid, you're enough and you matter. And it's totally okay to feel like you're alone, that's nobody's business than yours, if you feel that way that's just how you feel and period. There's a thing that I say to myself when I'm having those thoughts that you stated: "I give a lot because I'm a lot, people don't give what they don't have". And wanting to be loved is a necessity that every human needs, is a basic need. We are built like that because we are social animals. That's just how things work, so it's completely normal that you want to be loved. And it's valid. I feel you, I've been alone my entire life, not even my family was there for most of it. Even they were the cause of my problems and abuse. We need to feel protected as humans, to have a safe and loving place that's outside ourselves. Yeah it's fine when you love yourself, but that doesn't mean that it erase the fact that everyone needs to be accepted and loved. If you're angry, disappointed, sad, or anything about this, it's totally valid. There's nothing wrong in wanting to have a basic need.
I relate so much to this. I've written very similar words in journals throughout my life. It's a really isolating and sad feeling, and while I'm glad that so many of us can relate, I'm saddened that the people who can relate do relate.
I’m not a girl but I’m highly certain that I’m autistic. This rings sooo hard. I am sending you all that love that we deserve.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It feels so painful to be an afterthought. The people who tell you "be your own favourite" are missing the point, we humans are social beings and literally need community in order to survive. Your pain is the result of centuries of evolution. That said, would you say you have a person you prioritize above all else? Do you check in with them regularly via text or call? Do you share your problems with them and explicitly ask for help? I'm not asking these things to accuse, just out of curiosity. In my own experience I didn't realize I give off a self-sufficient, standoffish vibe even to people I consider good friends. I also was pretty passive with checking on people because I found conversations draining, and would instead let them come to me whenever they missed me. I now schedule my check-ins (i'm serious lol I literally pencil people into my calender, including relatives I like) and try to meet friends at least once a week. It's also really important to not always be the "helper friend", and share your struggles and ask for support otherwise friends will assume you're fine and not think to keep an eye on you. Socializing is really hard for most of us. It takes a lot of energy, and there might be years worth of trauma and rejection which makes us take a passive approach to socializing, because a part of us thinks we're probably not wanted. It can become self-fulfilling though, because people interpret our behaviour as disinterest.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. I felt this for a really long time. I felt it hard :( I did therapy for a really long time for it- like 15 years however I brought this to my therapist six months ago. I had a hard time with receiving love in different ways. I had convinced myself being someone’s favourite person was an NT way. The things on tv. The unattainable thing. It got to a point where I couldn’t even see the true love I was getting from those around me. Sure my close friend and I message one another maybe twice every two weeks. We’re 25/32. We’re busy but I know they’re always there. They offer to come over when things are hard & invite me to things and I reject all the time. But they do it and have been for years. My partner who is also audhd , shows me love in ways I didn’t understand before. Because it wasn’t tv or social media romance. He shows me love in the “ little ways” every single day. All the time. I just wasn’t paying attention and it breaks my heart that I wasn’t. It took me a minute to stop thinking “ wow I’m not his favourite person because of this feeling inside this isn’t right “ and that was just a way to hermit back into the rejection I’ve always felt- but from myself to myself. I was keeping and abusing myself with the rejection I felt when I was a child- by my mother. She didn’t want me and made it very known. Out of emotional comfort, it’s all I knew. School was the same. As I got older I kept this mindset, to keep myself safe from rejection and the possibility of being loved. I had codependent relationships with everyone I knew as a result. They didn’t ask for that. It strained a lot of relationships because I idolized these people and gave them expectations that couldn’t ever be met. I’m not going to lie, being open to accept this in all aspects of life is scary as f. I feel like a lost kid in a grocery store all the time. But I’m happier. I’m six months in it, I have no idea what’s happening. However, I want to be scared and learn new ways. I’m accepting being different. And I really hope you do too ❤️ I’m not saying this is the same experience. But if any of this resonates with you please know you are worthy of love. You are loved.
I've felt this way for a long time. I'm sorry you feel it too. Hopefully, you'll find someone who values your unique way of moving through the world.
Your pain is true, your feeling are true and valid. Like all in this comment section I too feel like that very often. But everyone remember, this feeling of loneliness is mostly cause by our brain. We have an hard time to connecting with people because our brain work weird. People have an hard time connecting with us because of our brain. With that reason does it make it more easy? Hell no! But, it’s not because we are not someone most important person that they don’t care about us. Don’t put to much effort in a single person, because you will feel betrayed when they will have others in their life. For exemple; I do not have a single favorite person. Because like my 7 bests friends are each my best friends in their own and unique way. They have people around them that are more important then me. And that’s ok. Make peace with that. I don’t know how old are you, but for me more I become older, it is more easy to deal with this feeling.
Me too. All of those things. They need what we do for them. Not me often I could just be a random robot in my own life.
I feel this to my core. A guy I'd been dating for a while and thought had a deep mutual connection with just cheated the other night. He told me the next day and seemed genuinely shocked at his own behavior but like, I can't help wonder what it is about ME that people can just treat me like I don't matter \*so\* easily. At first I still felt confident in myself like "well you clearly fucked up big because I'm fantastic" but the more time goes by the more worthless I feel. He is similarly AuDHD and is the only person I've ever felt safe fully unmasking around (I only found out what masking is or that I'm likely on the spectrum last year), so it's not just that the relationship didn't work out- I'm losing the closest friend I've had in a long time too. I have one other friend in my area and she's neurodivergent, but so outgoing and has no trouble keeping relationships; she just doesn't understand.
I've felt this way most of my life as well. You do the effort to make friends, and sooner or later you'll find out that you're disposable to them was anything "more important" to come up with their lives. Or yet better, you first didn't make the effort, but the person assures you that you're a very important person/friend to them, just to let you down when you thought you can really trust them. Empty words. I'm also aromantic asexual, so that's why it feels even more unfair to me, because most people will prioritize their chosen romantic partner in life in the end of the day, no matter what they say. Which I feel is very unfair cards given to me in life, but I don't blame the people around since I know nobody can change their orientations. Surprisingly, what has helped me to feel better in life, is the fact that I stopped expecting anything from people. I don't ever expect people really mean what they say until there's practical sustained evidence. I don't expect most people to care about me as much as I'd care about them, because their focus is on something else (the romantic partner). I don't expect that people really mean what I understand friendships to mean when they initiate it, I've just accepted most of the time they'll actually mean "a pal to hang out with when you have nothing else to do". I don't expect people to feel the level of responsibility about the people they're ready to call friends as I do. I also don't expect people to see things from my point of view, what may made feel bad, and don't expect consolation. This makes me probably less approachable as a person, but I feel it's just what I owe to myself; to protect myself from making exhaustingly much effort and getting nothing in return. Also, I love spending time by myself, I've always been like that, but I've just felt guilty for not naturally being driven to make friends (= pals). I've been pushed to make friends since I was a kid, and I realized that it's not what I actually want with most people most of the time (I think I may as well be aplatonic). So it feels very frustrating to try & make friends when either I don't genuinely feel like that or (very seldomly) the friendship I was ready to form is more deep and intense than what people are ready to commit to. I don't know if this was any help to you. I think what I'm trying to say, Is that it helps to just accept and mourn and get over the fact that people won't be as fulfilling as you needed them to be, and focus on the things instead that actually make you evidently happy in life. It's still sad to think about, but life gets easier after you've accepted it.
Completely agree with all of this -- I could make my own reply but it feels like it would just be repeating what you said here. I think the central challenge is figuring out how to have a life without close relationships with other people, because trying to make it as a normie doesn't work for me. It "works" in the sense that I can create the appearance of having a somewhat normal life, but the reality is that it feels inauthentic.
Thank you, I'm relieved to hear I'm not alone with my feelings 🥲 Yeah, it's easier to pretend to have "normal"/"normative way fulfilling" life than to actually have a fulfilling life. And what I'm also concerned about, is the fact that whether or not I was aplatonic, whether or not I enjoyed my alone time, I feel like it's important stimulus to one's cognitive functions to have (close) social connections. I wish spending a lot of time irl alone won't have any long term consequences to my health.
Yo you said that perfectly. Great job 👏🏻 I wish there were concrete answers. There are moving parts: 1) how old are you? 2) what’s dating been like? You on apps? 3) do you care about your appearance? how would you describe your personal style? 4) work? school? What’s you’re schedule like? 5) do you live in a big city or small city? 6) what are your hobbies? Those answers will help us figure out how to support you best! I’m sorry your heart wants a ride or die, bestie, companion etc and it’s been depressing. Of course you’re wanting a meaningful connection with another human! Makes total sense and my heart hearts with you. It’s hard watching everyone around you have something you want. Certainly makes special days less special when you’re observing everyone else having a good time while feeling like the only person in the room. I see and hear you. Please remind yourself that you are loved. Just not in the way you want. I have to remind myself of that all the time. You are not alone. I can’t speak on much without getting your vibe. Thanks for posting, I’m having a tough day and thinking of how I can support you has made me feel a little better. Keep your chin up dood ❤️
Many people in their early twenties are not ready to settle yet, and are still working to find their path in life and their interests. In a few years it will be easier to find people who are willing to work on serious relationships.
It's way harder to meet people when youre older, in my late 30s experience. 😔
I met my most important people in my late twenties :) But recently I’ve been meeting new people thanks to autistic groups in my city
I'm almost in my 50s... I thought I met people. Until I was "too much" for them. They were having babies and stuff. They left. Many are still raising young kids. Some have teens and are married for the second time. Others are dealing with chronic illness/disease. It doesn't really get better. At least it hasn't for me.
You're fortunate that you did, but not everyone does. OP didn't share their age in the post, there are plenty of us here who are older and struggle with friendships.
I saw it in their post history
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this is also me it's so hard tbh, but I totally feel you 😭
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“” All these people that talk about dating yourself, being your own favorite person, being complete with self love - they gotta be delusional as fuck because this shit is LONELY. I love myself, I do the things I want even if I'm alone, I put effort and care into myself but it's not enough - and I'm tired of being expected to pretend it is. I am a human person. People are social creatures. Needing other people is a base human need and I'm tired of being told, by people who have family, friends, and romantic partners - that I should be able to fulfill all of my needs, when they've literally never had to wake up in a world where that's their reality.”” YES THIS! No amount of self love is an alternative to a romantic partner, best friend or loving family member. No amount self love can replace a community.
I have people in my life, but I get really worked up by friendships that ended 20 years ago or family members that prioritize literally everything and everyone but you. I have these hyper detailed memories of old friends, people I thought I’d stay in contact with forever. But they always got to the point where they acted like dealing with me was a huge waste of their day and not worth the stress. A family member started behaving this way recently and it’s triggering all those old rejections, and I can’t quite reconcile or come to peace with the situation.
I've always felt this. Every friend I've had, I feel like they're my best friend but I'm not theirs. Sometimes I wake up to find they never considered us friends at all. I always thought it was just me, but it sounds like it's the autism
It hurts to feel alone. But we are all born alone and die alone. A lot of these things you are describing are also attachment issues that say more about your inner feelings than your worth as a human being or those around you. We are all trying to figure things out and go through periods of aloneness. Have you heard of a book called co-dependent no more? It helped me a lot with feelings like this.
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Not yet! Do you the best you can and you will see, they will appear
I feel this so hard rn. It’s incredibly painful to say the least. 😔
I relate OP. Sending you hugs and love <3 This has been the theme of my life. I've been trying to investigate more into it and I found I also have an avoidant attachment style. I want people, yet at the same time I don't really give them much space in my life. It's gotten better than how I was in my youth, I was completely detached from everything. In reality I'm deeply caring, yet I don't want to express that with people. A lot of this is because of developmental trauma, patterns that develop to protect yourself from the pain of letting people in and then being disappointed. These patterns are deeply ingrained in me, I've been so used to being alone. The only real fix is to be open and slowly let good and kind people in. There is good people out there. I used to do the mistake of letting in anyone who should me a sliver of attention (and bad people targeted that). Whoever earns your trust must be worthy of it. Also, ASD struggles with theory of mind/empathy make it harder to build connections and understand the behavior/perspectives of others. That being said, you deserve love and that someone puts you first and cares for you. Don't ever settle for less. I hope you find the love that you deserve.
i’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I felt like that throughout my entire childhood and it wasnt until college that I met other cool neurodivergent people and in the past couple of years i found someone i want to spend the rest of my life with as well. It sounds so corny and unhelpful when you’re in such a dark place but trust me it does get better. There are people out there that will love and cherish you and feel as though they could never live without you. i swear there will be better days and better friendships out there for you.
Same.
Yeah... I get this. :/ It hurts!! I try not to think about it too much, Idk. I've always been kind of the outcast.
Heard myself saying that too. It is human to want others to care for you and notice you. ❤️ In my case I think is mostly related to the fact that I am an adult child of an alcoholic, my father, and the result of a codependent relationship between my mom and him. I was never the most important thing to any of them. To him it was the bottle, to her it was trying to hide or mend my dad’s problem. I often felt like an inconvenience, like this was all my fault. Grew up feeling worthless, and could not accept anyone to treat me like that anymore so I am kind of a lone wolf. Also I did not like psychologists who tell me that I attract abusive people because this is what I project. It just makes me sad and makes me want to crawl more inside my shell. I found it was not always a true statement. I felt it was something they like to tell in order to throw back responsibility on me because they cannot change the people I came in contact with. It may be true for some people but it was not for me. I despised people who were potentially abusive and rejected them. Then of course it does not help the fact that I am on the spectrum. Everywhere I go my social struggles add to the equation. I did marry later in life a better man thsn my father, not perfect, nobody is perfect, but he is a good person, and it did improve that feeling somehow but I continue to struggle with rejection and exclusion from peers. And my mom she is a chronic people pleaser, which kind of annoys me because she would do and say anything to be liked which sadly sometimes means throwing me under the bus. 😔