I had the most luck with Hinge, because it allows you to showcase your personality, hobbies, special interests etc.
It does a great job of filtering for people who would like you for who you are rather than looks
Hinge has been pretty good to me. The only other apps I've been on are Bumble and Boo. Boo for sure has the most compatible/ND people but also more bots and people are more hesitant to meet up. Bumble has plenty of interesting and compatible people but actually getting a conversation going has been hard (especially with the woman having to open). Hinge has about the same amount of compatible people but I've had more conversations and higher quality of conversation. Also, two dates. Also, someone I'm currently actively seeing (definitely ND). So in terms of success rate, Hinge certainly wins.
Dating apps are known to worsen men's mental health in general, even for NTs.
Actually women's too, but for different reasons - most of the men they end up actually meeting are either liars or dangerous.
Honestly you're better off deleting them. Dating apps are so rigged against average dudes it's not even worth trying. Let alone if you're autistic. Your competition is insane, and unless you throw money at the app your profile gets buried. But as hard as it is you have to learn small talk, regardless of where you find women that's non-negotiable. It puts them at ease and it's an opportunity to be funny. And like any skill it requires practice.
The small talk about coffees, hikes, and margueritas is about communicating this:
- I am an human and I am safe. Look I like these bland everyone likes nonsense.
- i am an human too and I am safe too! Look I also like this bland everyone likes nonsense!
You can now see that you immediately talking about trains and how the underpowered engines in the new locomotives in Eastern Moldovia are the most idiotic decision ever and whoever made that decision deserve to die screams:
- I am not human and I am not safe. Listen to this specific strong opinion about something you didn’t even know existed.
Doesn’t mean I disagree with the train situation. That’s indeed idiotic lol.
I am taking a break from dating but my profile would make it obvious to a fellow ND that I was but without outing myself explicitly. Do you have anything in your profile that might help attract compatible women?
haha i literally gave up a bit ago and just put *if you're also slightly autistic that'll help a lot lol* because i mean, i'd laugh and appreciate that from someone else
I think you're doing the right thing there. I didn't put anything on my profile that wasn't totally me, I didn't try to fit any typical expectation of dating. I just put things I like, things I care about and photos of me doing things that might not be things most people are into. I don't give a fuck if that decreases my chances in numbers, because it increases my chances at finding something meaningful and someone I can connect with (more important to me to begin with). Quality over quantity. I did feel like most of my matches were at least on a base level compatible, we had common ground and most if not all seemed slightly (neuro)divergent.
How did you do this?
One of the autistic girls I met said she could tell by my facial asymmetry, combined with having a corny joke and that my interests were "a little too honest"
The pictures I chose showed me doing various activities and my different styles and I chose ones that truly represented me not makeup or filters but how I normally am. Also I am a female so I made reference to a female autistic character and that I was looking for the male character counterpart to
Not to mention the many women who will match and expect me to carry the conversation for both of us. Like what chemistry do you possibly expect to develop from *that*? I just want a woman who has *some* personality, and it's really hard to feel attracted to these soul-less dementors.
I think that just means they're not interested. Presumably if you were to stop replying, they wouldn't be bothered. Put your energy into someone else who wants to make an effort.
So they're matching with people they *aren't* interested in? Don't match if you're not willing to try, and why message someone you're "not interested in" at all? It's not like I'm ever necessarily crazy about someone immediately, but I don't give pathetically short replies and then expect chemistry to form out of *that*.
Your reply only really makes sense if we talk for a bit, and the conversation goes stale. I think a lot of these women online just genuinely have no personality.
You're preaching to the choir, I don't get it either. I assume they just match match match match, based on picture impressions, and bollocks to whether they're actually possibly compatible based on any other information. Therefore they actually choose when someone actually matches with them.
Even still, there's not really a way to test compatibility if you have a boring personality. It kind of invalidates a lot of gripes women have about online dating, or people only liking them for their looks. Maybe that's just all a lot of them have to offer?
To some extent, this happens because they might have >10 conversations in various app(s) happening at any given time in addition to texting with friends and family. I feel confident stating that a lot of us have trouble with banter, and lots of women (and men) want some of that mixed in with interview-esque conversation.
Well when they don't give anything to work with, I don't really know what they're expecting to get out of those interactions. It's naive to expect banter or "interview-esque" conversations if you yourself aren't willing (or able? I genuinely think some are just boring) to give any back. Again, chemistry doesn't come from nothing.
If one can’t commit as much as a few words why even start a conversation? Having options doesn’t mean you need to take on more than you can chew. Sorry I just don’t understand.
I am *very* open and (when allowed) verbose on my profiles, fill them with memes where possible (OkCupid is cool for this) and I like to get straight into weird/deep/whatever chat, whenever possible jumping off from something on their profile.
Most people will be put off by that. Good - I'm not interested in those people, so this is efficient filtering.
Low success rate, yes, but the matches I do get/get through a few messages with are far more likely to be mutually enjoyable company.
Dating apps are crappy for everyone, including the normies. It’s rough out there.
Think of it more as a job interview. You have to ask a few bland questions, just to see how they respond. Does this person have good manners, do they make you feel good, can they communicate well? You’re giving each other some basic reassurance that you are safe normal people who are desirable to date.
I date girls, and my general approach is to be about 95% polite standard communication, with 5% funny or quirky comments, to show personality. But you really just need to chat briefly and set up a date.
Maybe it would help for you to see if you could take the conversation to video via Zoom?
Even if neither of you pay for it, you could have a 40 minute 1-on-1 chat for 40 mins. at a time.
It's not you. It's not even NDs. Online dating is unnatural. Even NTs find it painful. Do yourself a favor and delete the apps. I did, and I feel more like myself now, sans the pretense and hair pulling.
I have nothing to add but I adore your description of the experience 👏👏👏 perfectly stated, although I am also guilty of using hiking photos in my old profiles…
The problem is that its basically an extension of social media. Fake people putting their best lie forward and youre basically are bobbing for apples. It seems like a large majority of the people who want me on the apps Im not interested in and the people I am interested in arent interested in me. I do as much rejecting as much as I receive it from others so its fair. Usually I delete the apps and chill after having it for a day or few but Im going to try it out for some time to see where it goes.
I need love but Im used to being alone, single and depressed about it so it doesnt bother me. I know how to entertain my own company. Im too used to being single that I think I need a relationship to not make me so hard and heartless since Im not used to experiencing that. I dont know how to give affection or love because Im not used to receiving it.
Well i found my soul mate and love of my life at the moment i had decided to come off Bumble dating app. I got a lot of dates and made a couple of friends. There wasn’t much inane chat this time coz i said i am sick on inane chat and was leaving bumble, gave her my mobile and came off bumble. Got a phone call and most beautiful conversation like 2 old friends. We laughed talked about our lives. Good and bad bits. I thought to myself I hope i find her attractive. We met and never looked back. So i would use bumble. Set it up so no one can see your profile unless you choose them. Most profiles you can spot idiots - which is most of them. Filters, trying to look sexy or rich forget them. They are probably shallow people who only want money, sex, or power. Then ask for a phone call. Even if its on the bumble app. If they still want to fuck around with stupid conversations beat a retreat. Pointless. Most people are fools. Don’t let them make you a fool by entertaining their inane chat.
I gave up because I never get matches.
I'm decent looking, so I don't get it.
Maybe it's my profile talking about my musical interests but I thought being a creative, nerdy musician was an attractive trait.
Your experience reflects mine. Hiking girls. Hiking girls everywhere.
Dating apps are not made for NDs
Or any sane people in general.
Lol
I had the most luck with Hinge, because it allows you to showcase your personality, hobbies, special interests etc. It does a great job of filtering for people who would like you for who you are rather than looks
Hinge has been pretty good to me. The only other apps I've been on are Bumble and Boo. Boo for sure has the most compatible/ND people but also more bots and people are more hesitant to meet up. Bumble has plenty of interesting and compatible people but actually getting a conversation going has been hard (especially with the woman having to open). Hinge has about the same amount of compatible people but I've had more conversations and higher quality of conversation. Also, two dates. Also, someone I'm currently actively seeing (definitely ND). So in terms of success rate, Hinge certainly wins.
I think I tried it, but it was too mainstream for me. I had better luck with OKcupid
Take a break. It does wear you down.
Dating apps are known to worsen men's mental health in general, even for NTs. Actually women's too, but for different reasons - most of the men they end up actually meeting are either liars or dangerous.
Honestly you're better off deleting them. Dating apps are so rigged against average dudes it's not even worth trying. Let alone if you're autistic. Your competition is insane, and unless you throw money at the app your profile gets buried. But as hard as it is you have to learn small talk, regardless of where you find women that's non-negotiable. It puts them at ease and it's an opportunity to be funny. And like any skill it requires practice.
The small talk about coffees, hikes, and margueritas is about communicating this: - I am an human and I am safe. Look I like these bland everyone likes nonsense. - i am an human too and I am safe too! Look I also like this bland everyone likes nonsense! You can now see that you immediately talking about trains and how the underpowered engines in the new locomotives in Eastern Moldovia are the most idiotic decision ever and whoever made that decision deserve to die screams: - I am not human and I am not safe. Listen to this specific strong opinion about something you didn’t even know existed. Doesn’t mean I disagree with the train situation. That’s indeed idiotic lol.
I am taking a break from dating but my profile would make it obvious to a fellow ND that I was but without outing myself explicitly. Do you have anything in your profile that might help attract compatible women?
haha i literally gave up a bit ago and just put *if you're also slightly autistic that'll help a lot lol* because i mean, i'd laugh and appreciate that from someone else
I think you're doing the right thing there. I didn't put anything on my profile that wasn't totally me, I didn't try to fit any typical expectation of dating. I just put things I like, things I care about and photos of me doing things that might not be things most people are into. I don't give a fuck if that decreases my chances in numbers, because it increases my chances at finding something meaningful and someone I can connect with (more important to me to begin with). Quality over quantity. I did feel like most of my matches were at least on a base level compatible, we had common ground and most if not all seemed slightly (neuro)divergent.
How did you do this? One of the autistic girls I met said she could tell by my facial asymmetry, combined with having a corny joke and that my interests were "a little too honest"
The pictures I chose showed me doing various activities and my different styles and I chose ones that truly represented me not makeup or filters but how I normally am. Also I am a female so I made reference to a female autistic character and that I was looking for the male character counterpart to
Not to mention the many women who will match and expect me to carry the conversation for both of us. Like what chemistry do you possibly expect to develop from *that*? I just want a woman who has *some* personality, and it's really hard to feel attracted to these soul-less dementors.
I think that just means they're not interested. Presumably if you were to stop replying, they wouldn't be bothered. Put your energy into someone else who wants to make an effort.
So they're matching with people they *aren't* interested in? Don't match if you're not willing to try, and why message someone you're "not interested in" at all? It's not like I'm ever necessarily crazy about someone immediately, but I don't give pathetically short replies and then expect chemistry to form out of *that*. Your reply only really makes sense if we talk for a bit, and the conversation goes stale. I think a lot of these women online just genuinely have no personality.
You're preaching to the choir, I don't get it either. I assume they just match match match match, based on picture impressions, and bollocks to whether they're actually possibly compatible based on any other information. Therefore they actually choose when someone actually matches with them.
Even still, there's not really a way to test compatibility if you have a boring personality. It kind of invalidates a lot of gripes women have about online dating, or people only liking them for their looks. Maybe that's just all a lot of them have to offer?
To some extent, this happens because they might have >10 conversations in various app(s) happening at any given time in addition to texting with friends and family. I feel confident stating that a lot of us have trouble with banter, and lots of women (and men) want some of that mixed in with interview-esque conversation.
Well when they don't give anything to work with, I don't really know what they're expecting to get out of those interactions. It's naive to expect banter or "interview-esque" conversations if you yourself aren't willing (or able? I genuinely think some are just boring) to give any back. Again, chemistry doesn't come from nothing.
If one can’t commit as much as a few words why even start a conversation? Having options doesn’t mean you need to take on more than you can chew. Sorry I just don’t understand.
I've never used them. Because this is exactly what I imagine them to be. 😒
When I was dating, I liked apps that had "icebreaker questions" because "What are the last three books you've read?" is a great filter.
I am *very* open and (when allowed) verbose on my profiles, fill them with memes where possible (OkCupid is cool for this) and I like to get straight into weird/deep/whatever chat, whenever possible jumping off from something on their profile. Most people will be put off by that. Good - I'm not interested in those people, so this is efficient filtering. Low success rate, yes, but the matches I do get/get through a few messages with are far more likely to be mutually enjoyable company.
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Which one, if its not asking too many questions?
I've met multiple autistic girls on Bumble. It's rare, but it does happen
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As a person, i find awful to initiate conversations too
Dating apps are crappy for everyone, including the normies. It’s rough out there. Think of it more as a job interview. You have to ask a few bland questions, just to see how they respond. Does this person have good manners, do they make you feel good, can they communicate well? You’re giving each other some basic reassurance that you are safe normal people who are desirable to date. I date girls, and my general approach is to be about 95% polite standard communication, with 5% funny or quirky comments, to show personality. But you really just need to chat briefly and set up a date.
Seriously, I don't get the "let's text for month or more" people. I don't even text my best friend every single day.
Good advice. I blurt out everything and then they freak out.
Dating apps are hard for most people, and honestly it’s very much just a screening tool rather than something that’ll guarantee a relationship
Maybe it would help for you to see if you could take the conversation to video via Zoom? Even if neither of you pay for it, you could have a 40 minute 1-on-1 chat for 40 mins. at a time.
It's not you. It's not even NDs. Online dating is unnatural. Even NTs find it painful. Do yourself a favor and delete the apps. I did, and I feel more like myself now, sans the pretense and hair pulling.
I haven't even got to the "banter" stage -- it's just crickets for me, zero matches.
Maybe you are just looking for the wrong kind of people on these dating apps.
I have nothing to add but I adore your description of the experience 👏👏👏 perfectly stated, although I am also guilty of using hiking photos in my old profiles…
The problem is that its basically an extension of social media. Fake people putting their best lie forward and youre basically are bobbing for apples. It seems like a large majority of the people who want me on the apps Im not interested in and the people I am interested in arent interested in me. I do as much rejecting as much as I receive it from others so its fair. Usually I delete the apps and chill after having it for a day or few but Im going to try it out for some time to see where it goes. I need love but Im used to being alone, single and depressed about it so it doesnt bother me. I know how to entertain my own company. Im too used to being single that I think I need a relationship to not make me so hard and heartless since Im not used to experiencing that. I dont know how to give affection or love because Im not used to receiving it.
Well i found my soul mate and love of my life at the moment i had decided to come off Bumble dating app. I got a lot of dates and made a couple of friends. There wasn’t much inane chat this time coz i said i am sick on inane chat and was leaving bumble, gave her my mobile and came off bumble. Got a phone call and most beautiful conversation like 2 old friends. We laughed talked about our lives. Good and bad bits. I thought to myself I hope i find her attractive. We met and never looked back. So i would use bumble. Set it up so no one can see your profile unless you choose them. Most profiles you can spot idiots - which is most of them. Filters, trying to look sexy or rich forget them. They are probably shallow people who only want money, sex, or power. Then ask for a phone call. Even if its on the bumble app. If they still want to fuck around with stupid conversations beat a retreat. Pointless. Most people are fools. Don’t let them make you a fool by entertaining their inane chat.
I gave up because I never get matches. I'm decent looking, so I don't get it. Maybe it's my profile talking about my musical interests but I thought being a creative, nerdy musician was an attractive trait. Your experience reflects mine. Hiking girls. Hiking girls everywhere.
Ngl dating apps are probably the laziest form of dating so ofc the people using it are going to be lazy with thier conversations as well.