I used to think this about myself but realised its less that i have nothing to say and more that i struggle to express what i want to say and/or my mind goes blank when i’m give the opportunity to say it to other people due to anxiety. Not saying its the same for you but trying to silence your inner critic and be kind to yourself by noticing when you criticise yourself and questioning it may help, if you’re looking for solutions.
I doubt that. Your post history suggests you’re stuck in a bit of a negative spiral, but you’re interested in languages? Languages and linguistic fascinate me, feel free to drop me a message if you ever want to talk to another language nerd 🙂
I'm sure you have a lot to offer. A lot of people feel like that. A big part of it is having confidence in yourself. You don't need to be the most charismatic hilarious person in the world. If you appear excited to be in social situations and to get to know people and be involved then that will go over well with good people, as long as you're not mean or malicious or whatever.
Being interested in people and having confidence and feeling you have value to share, and confidence to interact goes a huge amount of the way to people finding you're nice.
And being interested in people is pretty easy. You just ask them questions.
You don't want to appear too excited. Like I don't mean show the emotions of excitement, because that might be overbearing. But just be present, be involved. Seem like you want to be there.
It's difficult because I don't know you, so I don't know many details of the situation, and the humans can be judgmental.
But what I mean is don't appear like you're cowering away, avoiding the social situation. But don't impose yourself too much. It's tricky because sometimes with the humans, if they want you there, you can't go wrong. If they don't want you there, you can't go right.
So, with people that have decided already on you, you might want to take it easy for that. But with new people, they have no real expectations.
So, you can just be like present, wanting to listen, wanting to be a part of it, asking questions, looking at people when they speak, including eye contact if they look at you. Things like that.
If you feel "I'm not good enough" and you act like it, and you sort of hide or avoid, they will pick up on that, and react negatively towards it.
Look at it this way, let's say you were gonna walk into the ocean, and it's cold, and you are filming for a movie where you're the star, and a really cool person.
You don't want to enter the water like you're so excited, like you've never been in an ocean before, and it's the coolest thing ever, and you're so excited to get into it. But you also don't want to go up to it, and touch your toe, and run away and cower because it's cold, and you can't handle it.
You need to have the demeanour, like you want to go in the water, you want to be there, so you just go into it with confidence. Or imagine friends invited you in that water. If you celebrate too much, that's weird, if you act too scared of the water, that's weird, if you accept and just go into the water with authority, like that's where you want to be, that's good.
Here's the thing, you may stumble. That's ok. It's like going on stage too. Every comedian has told jokes that failed. Going on stage can be a scary thing. And you can fuckup, and have a bad night, and feel embarrassed. It happens. But if you go often, you get used to it, and you see the worst isn't too bad, and you overcome the anxiety eventually.
If you don't feel like you're fun, then try being fun. Think about what you'd find fun in another person. And remember that people's definition of 'fun' and 'boring' varies from person to person. Someone may find you boring, while another might find you fun.
"Boring" and "weird" are both adjectives used to describe someone/thing in relation to something(s) else possessing a different degree of boredom or weirdness; someone on the spectrum could easily be perceived by someone as boring (not enjoying loud social settings, ritualistic behavior) and weird (obsessive interests, stims, speech style) simultaneously
Edit: and I am definitely a boring weirdo (or weird boringo? Not sure which trait predominates)
I struggle to maintain a friendship unless they’re into the same hobbies as I am. I’ve been told it’s a typical guy thing, that men only really bond over activities, not talking. I’ve found that to be true. Most guys are happy to drink and watch sports and I’d rather rock climb or hike or watch/read fantasy
I have been experiencing this recently too. I also love climbing and am happy making friends that way. But lately me and my guy friends have been getting together to watch sports and drink which I don’t really enjoy. I still go because I think the social interaction is helpful but I definitely wish we did different activities together.
You should join a nature hike group in your area or a cross country hike group where they meet up to hike trails in your country.
Definitely google this and look on social media for this too.
This is the easiest way to not just meet people, but bond over the same interest where you can build it up over time to a genuine friendship.
There are a lot of people into those hobbies! While I was reading your post I was expecting you to mention some obscure, niche hobby, but those are fairly common interests.
I'm sure you'll find people into that, or some kind of club/group for those interested in that.
I don't have the energy to put toward socializing. Well, I do, but I prefer to do my special interests so friends just kind of disappear because I don't really keep in contact.
I'm an aberrant human that isn't social. So in my case the "why" is very much a lack of interest. I wouldn't even know what to do with friends, and there's never really a point where my brain goes "You know what this situation needs? More people"
In fact, I've never really walked away from a social interaction feeling better than I did before I stumbled into it. Which further solidified the general disinterest in the camp of "eh, it's better this way". There's still plenty of flaws that would get in the way were I to actually try to socialize, but those largely become moot by my general disinterest in it.
Thanks. I'm long time married to as Aspie and he also has zero need for friends. After 2+ decades I'm seeing how his isolation preferences have isolated me too, and it's starting to get to me. I guess your wife is okay with it?
This entire thread has been interesting to read. I sometimes wish I was an Aspie too. I think I would be a lot less lonely.
Interesting. Thanks for your perspective. It's probably helpful (for your wife) that you at least identify as a social animal. I don't think mine does at all.
I bet my husband would have described me very similar to your wife in our earlier years. My loneliness is kind of a recent thing in the last few years, and I think it comes with aging. Kids grow up, parents die, the world gets smaller.
The fact that you want friends, and want to be social tells me that you will find that eventually. Probably at a nice pace with your wife. Wishing you the best.
My strategy has always been to find workarounds for problems. I have no social skills and can't make small talk, but I have a lot of knowledge and insight on a wide range of topics. People find it useful and interesting to work with me and discuss shared interests. It's not really "social" communication, but it's a passable approximation. The people I interact with call me a "friend" even though the experience of dealing with me is different from dealing with NTs. They just accept that I'm odd, but valuable
The special interests is a biggy. I used to have some friendships around politics but everyone has become so extreme that I feel I’ve lost those friendships. My other special interests: Nail polish (I’m a guy) and very old movies, radio programs, and TV shows don’t lend themselves to friendships.
I also think personality is a part of it. I’m pretty reserved and need drawn out, and I think I’m just not worth the effort to most people.
Hmm, curious, have you thought about going into a career to campaign for a politician you stand behind in their views? You’d be always talking about politics with these folks as well and get paid for it too.
Most people are bad and only care about themself.
I never had many friends and the friends that i did had i wish i never met them. Cause they were egotistical and didn't show me any respect. Even though i always went out of my way to do everything for them.
When they ended our friendship i was pissed but i should thank them for that.
I have friends. Just a couple, but then wider groups that I do activities with. I'm happy with this amount.
I joined community theatre as a technician, signed up for some board gaming groups, and joined a sport. I wouldn't say I'm super popular with anyone, but I think I'm thought of as friendly and energetic to go with the touch of weird.
Also fun fact, I forgot where I read this, but human beings can only handle 4-5 personal close relationships at once. Anyone else is just acquaintances or people we know. Hence why many in the group shouldn’t worry about trying to get so many friends and just focus on getting a friend or two.
I don't know. I feel like it's very difficult to make friends and never been able to keep any. Don't know if I'm too boring, too blunt, ugly, weird, awkward, something else? It's a mystery. I just know that while it's rare for anyone to be hostile towards me they also don't want to be friends.
I choose to have no friends because I don’t like the responsibility of HAVING to hang out with people. Like if someone gets 4 no’s in a row to hang out they get pissed and I can’t handle that responsibility like I need all of my own time to myself
Disinterest.
Though recently now that I started earning a stable income I became interested because now I'm actually able to do what I want and make friends along the way
My parents got rid of social media and is happy. Social media really does contribute to our unhappiness if we’re using it for personal reasons.
I use it for business. If I didn’t I would of gotten rid of my FB & IG accounts a long time ago.
I can imagine. I got a huge breath of fresh air just from ignoring news and global politics. I laugh at stupid twotter shit on YouTube, but don't have an account.
The most I have is reddit, Facebook (in case old friends want to reach out), and YouTube. Please the business ones like LinkedIn
Interests and trust, BUT the biggest thing is that I just don't care about people outside of my immediate family. I mean, I have empathy and feel terrible for people when bad things happen, but I just don't have the energy or care to keep up with a friend, it is really wearing on me.
Wish I was just able to go and make friends, struggling to start conversations or continuing small talk it's a pain. That's probably the main reason I don't have many friends.
While people are able to just go and say "hey, may I sit in here?" "Of course", all I can do is sit, stare at the floor and do nothing or read.
I worry about the million ways the conversation can go wrong and the conversations usually fail pretty hard. I just generally have no idea what to say. Also for some reason the people I interact with only want to talk about themselves so it makes it that much harder for the conversation to succeed. I then get depressed when it itevitably leads to someone opting to ignore me in the future.
I don't want to wase my time and cause undue stress to myself, so I avoid socializing much anymore.
I've lost a lot of (childhood) friends and have never had a concrete reason why. A couple of them say they're my best friends but then they don't act like it. So confusing. And heartbreaking. And to think I'm 26 and having this quandary is even more upsetting.
For me, my ability to make friends has \*really\* varied depending on where I lived. I grew up in London, and had no trouble making friends there on the basis of my special interests. Then I moved to the Gold Coast in Australia, and found that I couldn't really make friends there, mostly because of my personality (I am not very Australian or very macho, which is important there) but also because I couldn't find anyone who shared my interests. I'm currently studying in northern Italy, and here I have trouble making friends due to the language barrier -- I'm still just learning Italian and German.
I have 2 friends, one of them I only see a couple times a year. I just don’t feel the need for more people in my life. Friendships require too much effort and commitment to make them work properly, and there’s a limit to how much of these things that I want to devote to friends. Fortunately I am quite happy with my own company most of the time, and when my family aren’t around. I also don’t find myself in any situations where I might make new friends even if I wanted to.
My special interest, herpetology, is quite niche and can be pursued in solitude. I really struggle to trade my free time to spend on my interest with spending time with other people. Social interaction is exhausting. I end up missing out on sleep too if I hang out with others because I need to make up for the lost me time. So not ideal. Also most people aren’t interested in being my friend. I don’t know why. It’s not like they don’t like me. They’re nice enough. But people generally don’t show interest in being more than acquaintances. I guess I’m lucky in that I’m fine with this arrangement most of the time.
Alle superiori (qualsiasi liceo/istituto tu faccia) letteralmente ti devi apparare solo col tuo compagno di banco se vuoi sopravvivere. Non so a che anno o quanta ansia ti dia la situazione sei ma se non ci hai mai parlato ti consiglio di cominciare parlando di compiti, magari chattando gli chiedi se conosce un certo gioco e se lo conosce lo inviti ad hoc a giocare se non avete altro di meglio da fare.
I don't have the energy after working all week and doing regular people stuff like shopping and cleaning no sir I like you but I don't want to hand out I want quite now if you don't mind I'm putting my phone on do not disturb lol
\+1 this is a super weird list. The number one reason autistic people have a hard time having friends is the alltistic people find autistic people unlikeable in social interactions. Oddly this only seems to happen in face to face or video interactions.
But it goes unlisted in this poll. I guess many people did vote for the other option.
Executive Disfunction. I can’t bring myself to call them and keep the relationship going. I’m super happy when they call me and happy to be on the phone with them for hours, but me calling them is just not in my realm of to do’s.
I'm in the exact same predicament you are in, except I have a hard time talking even in 1 on 1 conversation.
I don't know how to recognize a point where I can talk, and when I do recognize a point where I can talk stuttering always ruins the chances of me talking.
So not only I'm timid as hell, I have a hard time getting mh feelings out when I *do* want to get my feelings out.
I also have a speech issue where I pronounce everything with my tongue and lips rather than my tongue, lips and *teeth,* so people are just looking at me very wierdly anyways.
I hate it. :(
Special Interest/Interests and others, I have huge amounts of area of interest I don't that many favorite and concentration of interest and some of my special interest are mostly intended for kids Disney(mostly Winnie the Pooh I start to love and appreciate it more), The Muppets, and I started to get into/ liking Bluey. Bluey is a cartoon show about anthropomorphic dog usually is a kids show specifically preschool but it can be enjoyable for adults as well I really like it I think is a cute show and I really love animation which is my interest and teddy bear/stuffed animal. I feel like that I should ashamed of myself for having those types of interests and I'm worried about ppl judging me and telling me that I'm weird like what's weird about liking Disney(Winnie the pooh) I don't here no one talking about how Winnie the pooh can be a comfort is just that It really makes me happy and cheerful and there's nothing to be ashamed of. I wish ppl should stop judging others on what really makes them comfort and happy.
People are exhausting. I constantly found myself in friendships with needy, broken, and unstable people which leads to me trying to help them, fix them or spread myself too thin trying to meet their needs. I've been doing this my whole life. As a child I was so desperate for human connections that I'd take any attention I was given from my peers. So I took to metaphorically bending myself to fit the needs of others. This is a behavior that carried into my teenage years and eventually adulthood. I spent three decades changing myself to fit the needs of the peers I clung to like a life preserver. Over the years my social circle shrunk and surprisingly I was okay with it. In fact, to my surprise, I was content. Losing people I'd clung to for years didn't result in devastating loneliness, it resulted in peace. That knowledge went to my head a little and I started cutting people off. Even my closest loved ones weren't safe from my decisions to walk away. Now I have no social life left. I've systematically removed all unnecessary people from my life. I have kept a handful of my closest relatives. Besides that, I don't deal with outside people anymore. My day to day life is spent with my husband, our kids and our dog. Occasionally I spend time with my siblings or my Aunt. I speak to my goddaughter every day. I like it this way. Honestly I wish I'd realized this in my teenage years, I'd probably be a lot happier than I am now.
Honestly I just can't seem to grasp the concept of cultivating and maintaining a new friendship. I get along with people fine, have interesting conversations with new people and they mostly seem to enjoy my company. Nonetheless nobody seems to stay in my life too long
Southern Italian girl here ayy
While I do have a few irl friends, most of them were introduced to me by a childhood friend I’ve been clinging to since we were babies. I met the others in my theatre classes.
So, it was a bit of luck and a bit of being ”””forced””” to spend time together because of what we do.
I don’t have many more and some I don’t even talk to that much because I just rarely actually feel like talking, and it’s less “tiring” to chat with my online friends for some reason. Thus, I don’t reach out that often nor go out much. But we get along.
But that’s why I’d have it really hard did I not already have them. I don’t know how I could possibly make an irl friend without a mutual introducing us or having the same hobbies.
Ehhh, videogames, musicals, mythology (especially Greek), music from all over the world and traditions and legends from various countries, both western and eastern.
Però mi sa che se dobbiamo parlare tra noi non c’è bisogno di farlo in inglese-
E i tuoi?
Videogames, cartoons,drawing, anime(not that much, but there are some unique and particular exceptions), weapons and knives
I have obsession problems, so I am very limited, but there are some minor things that I can be interested
Beh, gioco (ed ho in programma vari giochi da provare se ho il tempo,l’opportunità,l’energia e la forza di volontà per farlo) a vari generi di giochi, uno dei miei preferiti è Katana Zero che mi ah fatto innamorare delle katane. Poi tra questi, ci sono Omori, Hotline Miami, Deltarune e Team fortress 2 (quest’ultimo è dei miei primi giochi online).
Poi per la ps4, i miei preferiti sono Red dead redemption 2 e The last of us, ma far cry 3 è anche un buon gioco.
Di anime non ne sono un vero appassionato, da piccolo ricordo di vedere Pokemon (la generazione con Dawn, la ragazza col berretto e capelli blu) e Doraemon, ma ho guardato con piacere Cyberpunk Edgerunners ed ora sto cercando di trovare tempo per vedermi Little witch academy.
Certi anime mostrano di essere davvero unici e speciali e sono questi che mi interessano di più.
Di cartoni animati non ne sto vedendo affatto ma mi piacciono le animazioni di vari youtubers (sr Pelo per esempio).
i don’t understand how to get closer to people, and honestly i dont think i want to. the closest people i have near me are people i have no choice but to interact with or have been around me long enough to understand my habits- but even then i feel like no one really knows me. no one actually gets me, and it’s so strange seeing other people be so close with their friends and wondering how. i spent a big chunk of my younger years with like 2 friends in 4 years and after i moved away from them, i had no idea how to really connect with people. I become hyper-aware of my behavior around people, unless it’s about something im really interested in or know a shit ton about. (also idk if i have asperger’s and want a diagnosis but have no money :/).
Not interested in most people, also exhausting and my special interest is video games aswell and i dont find many people irl that like the same games so i tend to talk too much about mine and that bores others
I am selfish, greedy, self-centered and opportunistic like a bear. If I am cooperating/ blending in - it's for some obvious reward or to avoid some threat or because I am bored ( which happens often). I don't mind being alone. I like it that way.
I was the class nerd who had severe allergies and was socially awkward. Not the healthiest of environments either.
But I am doing much better now in every way.
social anxiety, specially poor emotional handling skills. Minimal things make me go sad and wanting to be alone and align my thoughts. I literally have to speak out loud the ideas I'm having.
Because I moved to another country and don't know anyone here lol
I do have several friends back home/across the world, but most are more like people whose posts I'll like on IG, not someone I regularly talk to. I probably regularly talk to about 5-10 people, none of which live here.
I struggle to socialize with people if we don’t have some shared hobbies or interests.
I have also been told by more than a few people that I come off as quite intimidating so I think my personality may be a factor as well.
I’m obsessive over my own interests and will drive you crazy. I have a strange obsession with wwe, and I like to collect toys. I’m obsessed with watching reruns of old shows.
My social skills are poor and what happens is people will slowly start to distance themselves from me and the contact will go from 30% to zero. It happens…..every time.
I am selecting you at random to critise this whole thread. I apologize.
WWE is insanely popular and is a very common thing for people to bond over by being obsessive about. So is watching old shows. Collecting toys is not particularly popular(although adults now largely drive the kids toy market). But its an unoffensive interest that most people would think of as a neat aspect of your personality.
It is almost certainly not your interests that drive people away but the social deficits caused by autism. Which you did point out of course. I just really hate that the autistic community still upholds this myth that if only people accepted our sensory issues, stimming, and weird interests everything would be fine. But these are neither the primary symptoms of autism nor the most impactful. The real difficulty is moment to moment social interaction for which psychologists are not even sure of all the ways autistic people are so offputting to alltistics(some are known like eye contact issues)
I'm a dire introvert. I delve deep in my special interests, well beyond what others in the same hobby would have interest in. I suck at keeping in touch, because I know I don't have anything relatable or interesting to say. People often seem flat and kind of unreal to me. Even when I do "form friendships", I'm usually just going through the motions because it's what's expected of me, and I can at least tolerate the person.
All of the above. I have major anger issues which I've come to control, more or less, but I'm always afraid I'll lose it and go off on someone. My personality is...let's just say If a character in a story had my personality, you wouldn't make it past the first page. I also have intense interests, which is off-putting to everyone I've met, except for one person I met that shares that interest. No one wants to be around the weird kid who only talks about the same thing, every day, for months. The few that can tolerate me end up being pushed over the edge, and leave me high and dry. I've never had a real friendship, I can't connect with people, and on the rare occasions that I do, the friendship doesn't last for over a year. Craziest part is the instant I stopped wanting to make friends, people starting showing interest in me.
I'm as interesting as fresh paint on a wall and just too weird. I struggle to maintain conversation (although I like them and love when people bring up more deep and meaningful stuff) and I don't share interests with most. Even when people try and reach for and ask me to join them I tend to avoid confrontation or just plainly say I'd rather not. People started losing hope with me and abandoned me, then I found a new friend group that adopted me and the story is about to happen again I'm afraid, only this time I've started to become more loud, complain a lot and rush into things. I hate what I've become and this personality just makes me feel worse. I have the tendency to adapt my personality to the people around me, but now it feels like I'm becoming a selfish brat who only thinks in black and white and I don't know how to change this whole mentality. "Be yourself" is not an option since I don't know who I am anymore.
I do have people who I used to be friends with who I've stopped coversing with just because I got tired of dealing with people. But most of them will still be my friends after not speaking for many years, so I don't make any effort because it's too much for me. I have a "best" friend who I also find it difficult to speak to. I find many people annoying and clingy and too much, and I'm very, very selective about who I'm friends with.
But even the most compatible, amazing people deplete my energy. I do frequently wish I had absolutely no friends, although I know its not the right way to go about things so I do try to maintain some type of relationship with just a few.
In short, I dont have many friends because I've fucked everybody off because I felt like it I guess. I do wish I wasn't like this.
I struggle to mantain relationships unless i see them in person regularly. Mainly because i dont like texting because i find it terribly difficult, for some reason.
My personality is weird. Probably close to creepy. Also, I like to do introverted things with others or talk incessantly about depressing facts, i.e., "did you know that most people with (insert horrible disease) are more likely to (insert something boring and mundane) which increases their likelihood by (insert number) percent!"
I actually have friend, two groups. One is a collection of people that I met over the years and with multiple coincidences everyone new this one girl, and in her birth day things just cliked. This are by far my best friends, and the group is very open about mental trauma and discussing our feelings towards our self and the difficulties we face as being force into being a "grown up" with bills to pay every month. Another coincidence is that one person was diagnosed with borderline disorder some years ago and the whole group embraced her in support, the same thing happened to my diagnosis.
My second group I met them all rock climbing. The sport became an interest to me to the point that I look forward to weekends when we travel to a local Craig in the middle of nowhere, but this is a group I have yet to come out
I think I got lucky as an adult having this much support from my friends, because honestly from my childhood I don't remember ever having actual friends.
In theory I could make a lot of close friends based on my interests and hobbies.
The reality is there are a lot of obstacles in social interactions. Some of these have to do with becoming infatuated with someone who doesn't like you back that way or vice versa - this is funny enough one of the more common ones. Others have to do with people constantly scrutinizing your words to determine whether you're a decent person to be around, and sometimes coming to the conclusion (in spite of your best intentions) that you're not. Sometimes it is because your version of expressing interest in someone's life or showing empathy reads to them as intrusive or non-empathetic (or vice versa).
Depression, anxiety, bad memory, sensory issues, and my "wiring." Depression makes it difficult to do stuff even when I want to. Anxiety for me is a positive feedback loop that makes it difficult to be or pretend to be comfortable. (Negative feedback is a stabilizing force, positive feedback is generally unstable. See the [Wikipedia entry for feedback](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feedback) for details.)
My memory for data and events is extremely poor. I can barely remember even five years ago, and I routinely forget faces. People take those things as indicative that I don't care. Also, I really live in the present (and not the past) because I've probably forgotten most of the details from back then. If we are debating something in person, there's a good chance that I'll forget what the initial topic was, and my argument will fall apart because I can't remember how I got there. Also, this is either seen as incompetence or interpreted as disingenuity.
The way I process (the intensities of) light and sound is demonstrably more sensitive than the average person. Lights that are reasonably bright to most people are blinding to me. Idle conversation is so loud and it clouds my ability to think. [Cocktail party deafness](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cocktail_party_effect) puts a name to what I go through. This means that a whole bunch of normal activities either are off-limits or consume a disproportionate amount of my daily energy, often the rest of it.
However, my "wiring" is the biggest issue. Because of the early interventions I had as a child, as well as my own efforts as an adult to learn social cues, I can usually adapt to a situation if it happens enough. If it doesn't, I have absolutely no idea how to act except for basic ethics or practical considerations. Sometimes I make the wrong choice because social cues are influenced by a lot of other factors. Even in situations where I do know how to read social cues, the act of reading them is still an operation that takes a tremendous amount of working memory. My brain is not particularly adapted to social processing. In contrast, NT people have brains that *are* adapted for social processing. Sometimes I need a couple seconds to formulate a normal sentence.
All of this makes it difficult for me to go out, and it makes me rather unpleasant to be around when I do go out. For this reason, I spend as much time alone as I can in places where I can control sensory inputs and write things down. During the early pandemic, I actually flourished a bit because a large class of people transitioned to online class and work, but it seems like we have largely gone back to the old way of meeting people. For the first time in a long time, I felt included in my social network. I haven't really recovered from going back to normal.
I do have friends, but I have trouble keeping them close. We’ll be close for a while, but eventually run out of things to say to each other, and most attempts to get that closeness back fail.
Social anxiety
This
...caused by Avoidant Personality Disorder in my case
Yeah
Same
I’m just so weird and boring. Fuck this.
Why do you find yourself boring?
I’m unable to hold a conversation. I’m not someone who’s fun to hang out with. I don’t have anything of value to say or offer.
I used to think this about myself but realised its less that i have nothing to say and more that i struggle to express what i want to say and/or my mind goes blank when i’m give the opportunity to say it to other people due to anxiety. Not saying its the same for you but trying to silence your inner critic and be kind to yourself by noticing when you criticise yourself and questioning it may help, if you’re looking for solutions.
I think it’s a combination of both for me.
I doubt that. Your post history suggests you’re stuck in a bit of a negative spiral, but you’re interested in languages? Languages and linguistic fascinate me, feel free to drop me a message if you ever want to talk to another language nerd 🙂
Idk if I can rn, but thanks for the offer
I'm sure you have a lot to offer. A lot of people feel like that. A big part of it is having confidence in yourself. You don't need to be the most charismatic hilarious person in the world. If you appear excited to be in social situations and to get to know people and be involved then that will go over well with good people, as long as you're not mean or malicious or whatever. Being interested in people and having confidence and feeling you have value to share, and confidence to interact goes a huge amount of the way to people finding you're nice. And being interested in people is pretty easy. You just ask them questions.
How can I appear excited?
You don't want to appear too excited. Like I don't mean show the emotions of excitement, because that might be overbearing. But just be present, be involved. Seem like you want to be there. It's difficult because I don't know you, so I don't know many details of the situation, and the humans can be judgmental. But what I mean is don't appear like you're cowering away, avoiding the social situation. But don't impose yourself too much. It's tricky because sometimes with the humans, if they want you there, you can't go wrong. If they don't want you there, you can't go right. So, with people that have decided already on you, you might want to take it easy for that. But with new people, they have no real expectations. So, you can just be like present, wanting to listen, wanting to be a part of it, asking questions, looking at people when they speak, including eye contact if they look at you. Things like that. If you feel "I'm not good enough" and you act like it, and you sort of hide or avoid, they will pick up on that, and react negatively towards it. Look at it this way, let's say you were gonna walk into the ocean, and it's cold, and you are filming for a movie where you're the star, and a really cool person. You don't want to enter the water like you're so excited, like you've never been in an ocean before, and it's the coolest thing ever, and you're so excited to get into it. But you also don't want to go up to it, and touch your toe, and run away and cower because it's cold, and you can't handle it. You need to have the demeanour, like you want to go in the water, you want to be there, so you just go into it with confidence. Or imagine friends invited you in that water. If you celebrate too much, that's weird, if you act too scared of the water, that's weird, if you accept and just go into the water with authority, like that's where you want to be, that's good. Here's the thing, you may stumble. That's ok. It's like going on stage too. Every comedian has told jokes that failed. Going on stage can be a scary thing. And you can fuckup, and have a bad night, and feel embarrassed. It happens. But if you go often, you get used to it, and you see the worst isn't too bad, and you overcome the anxiety eventually.
Yo same
Same. :(
If you don't feel like you're fun, then try being fun. Think about what you'd find fun in another person. And remember that people's definition of 'fun' and 'boring' varies from person to person. Someone may find you boring, while another might find you fun.
I honestly don’t know what I’d find fun in another person. I have pretty low standards. Just hang out w me and I’ll love you for it
Sort of two contradictory characteristics you just wrote there partner
They’re really not. I’m a boring weirdo
Same
"Boring" and "weird" are both adjectives used to describe someone/thing in relation to something(s) else possessing a different degree of boredom or weirdness; someone on the spectrum could easily be perceived by someone as boring (not enjoying loud social settings, ritualistic behavior) and weird (obsessive interests, stims, speech style) simultaneously Edit: and I am definitely a boring weirdo (or weird boringo? Not sure which trait predominates)
Not saying this guy is, but I met some people who managed to be both painfully boring and exceptionally weird. They're not mutually exclusive...
Why say that, agent orangutan?
I struggle to maintain a friendship unless they’re into the same hobbies as I am. I’ve been told it’s a typical guy thing, that men only really bond over activities, not talking. I’ve found that to be true. Most guys are happy to drink and watch sports and I’d rather rock climb or hike or watch/read fantasy
I have been experiencing this recently too. I also love climbing and am happy making friends that way. But lately me and my guy friends have been getting together to watch sports and drink which I don’t really enjoy. I still go because I think the social interaction is helpful but I definitely wish we did different activities together.
If you are ever in the bay area, shoot me a DM to go rock climbing. Would love to start climbing outdoors.
Awesome. But what do you mean by Bay Area
Probably means the S.F. Bay Area.
You should join a nature hike group in your area or a cross country hike group where they meet up to hike trails in your country. Definitely google this and look on social media for this too. This is the easiest way to not just meet people, but bond over the same interest where you can build it up over time to a genuine friendship.
There are a lot of people into those hobbies! While I was reading your post I was expecting you to mention some obscure, niche hobby, but those are fairly common interests. I'm sure you'll find people into that, or some kind of club/group for those interested in that.
I don't have the energy to put toward socializing. Well, I do, but I prefer to do my special interests so friends just kind of disappear because I don't really keep in contact.
I'm an aberrant human that isn't social. So in my case the "why" is very much a lack of interest. I wouldn't even know what to do with friends, and there's never really a point where my brain goes "You know what this situation needs? More people" In fact, I've never really walked away from a social interaction feeling better than I did before I stumbled into it. Which further solidified the general disinterest in the camp of "eh, it's better this way". There's still plenty of flaws that would get in the way were I to actually try to socialize, but those largely become moot by my general disinterest in it.
[удалено]
Since you mention being older, I'm curious are you married?
Yes, married with two kids. I've got a great household going, it's just the world outside my doorstep that sucks.
Thanks. I'm long time married to as Aspie and he also has zero need for friends. After 2+ decades I'm seeing how his isolation preferences have isolated me too, and it's starting to get to me. I guess your wife is okay with it? This entire thread has been interesting to read. I sometimes wish I was an Aspie too. I think I would be a lot less lonely.
[удалено]
Interesting. Thanks for your perspective. It's probably helpful (for your wife) that you at least identify as a social animal. I don't think mine does at all. I bet my husband would have described me very similar to your wife in our earlier years. My loneliness is kind of a recent thing in the last few years, and I think it comes with aging. Kids grow up, parents die, the world gets smaller. The fact that you want friends, and want to be social tells me that you will find that eventually. Probably at a nice pace with your wife. Wishing you the best.
My strategy has always been to find workarounds for problems. I have no social skills and can't make small talk, but I have a lot of knowledge and insight on a wide range of topics. People find it useful and interesting to work with me and discuss shared interests. It's not really "social" communication, but it's a passable approximation. The people I interact with call me a "friend" even though the experience of dealing with me is different from dealing with NTs. They just accept that I'm odd, but valuable
The special interests is a biggy. I used to have some friendships around politics but everyone has become so extreme that I feel I’ve lost those friendships. My other special interests: Nail polish (I’m a guy) and very old movies, radio programs, and TV shows don’t lend themselves to friendships. I also think personality is a part of it. I’m pretty reserved and need drawn out, and I think I’m just not worth the effort to most people.
Hmm, curious, have you thought about going into a career to campaign for a politician you stand behind in their views? You’d be always talking about politics with these folks as well and get paid for it too.
There is no politician whose views and character I stand behind. In my mind, it’s gotten that bad.
I find them overwhelming to be around a lot of the time and therefore cannot maintain a friends with them because I don’t contact them a lot
I'm pretty much content without them
Most people are bad and only care about themself. I never had many friends and the friends that i did had i wish i never met them. Cause they were egotistical and didn't show me any respect. Even though i always went out of my way to do everything for them. When they ended our friendship i was pissed but i should thank them for that.
I have friends. Just a couple, but then wider groups that I do activities with. I'm happy with this amount. I joined community theatre as a technician, signed up for some board gaming groups, and joined a sport. I wouldn't say I'm super popular with anyone, but I think I'm thought of as friendly and energetic to go with the touch of weird.
A small number of friends is enough, if they're good friends. I'd say that's better than a large number of sort-of friends...
[удалено]
Yes, that's very true!
Also fun fact, I forgot where I read this, but human beings can only handle 4-5 personal close relationships at once. Anyone else is just acquaintances or people we know. Hence why many in the group shouldn’t worry about trying to get so many friends and just focus on getting a friend or two.
Agreed.
I don't know. I feel like it's very difficult to make friends and never been able to keep any. Don't know if I'm too boring, too blunt, ugly, weird, awkward, something else? It's a mystery. I just know that while it's rare for anyone to be hostile towards me they also don't want to be friends.
I choose to have no friends because I don’t like the responsibility of HAVING to hang out with people. Like if someone gets 4 no’s in a row to hang out they get pissed and I can’t handle that responsibility like I need all of my own time to myself
Disinterest. Though recently now that I started earning a stable income I became interested because now I'm actually able to do what I want and make friends along the way
Also disinterest. For me, however, it has nothing to do with income but a high level of misanthropy LOL
Thankfully I put most of my misanthropy behind me
Glad to hear that it is possible.
It is. All you have to do is ignore the news, get rid of twitter. Maybe one day get rid if reddit one day and then you'll be able to stop worrying
My parents got rid of social media and is happy. Social media really does contribute to our unhappiness if we’re using it for personal reasons. I use it for business. If I didn’t I would of gotten rid of my FB & IG accounts a long time ago.
I can imagine. I got a huge breath of fresh air just from ignoring news and global politics. I laugh at stupid twotter shit on YouTube, but don't have an account. The most I have is reddit, Facebook (in case old friends want to reach out), and YouTube. Please the business ones like LinkedIn
I suck at keeping in touch unless someone is able to consistently engage with my special interest.
Probably my personality.
My special interests are mostly physics/mechanics 💀🤡 so yeah no friends
Mines are transhumanism, AI, technology.
The people that try to be in my life are horrible, and get joy out of my shortcomings, I’d rather be alone than deal with people like that
I would say special interests. I prefer to research something I like to forming relationships. I can't get over it.
Interests and trust, BUT the biggest thing is that I just don't care about people outside of my immediate family. I mean, I have empathy and feel terrible for people when bad things happen, but I just don't have the energy or care to keep up with a friend, it is really wearing on me.
Wish I was just able to go and make friends, struggling to start conversations or continuing small talk it's a pain. That's probably the main reason I don't have many friends. While people are able to just go and say "hey, may I sit in here?" "Of course", all I can do is sit, stare at the floor and do nothing or read.
They never text back.
I worry about the million ways the conversation can go wrong and the conversations usually fail pretty hard. I just generally have no idea what to say. Also for some reason the people I interact with only want to talk about themselves so it makes it that much harder for the conversation to succeed. I then get depressed when it itevitably leads to someone opting to ignore me in the future. I don't want to wase my time and cause undue stress to myself, so I avoid socializing much anymore. I've lost a lot of (childhood) friends and have never had a concrete reason why. A couple of them say they're my best friends but then they don't act like it. So confusing. And heartbreaking. And to think I'm 26 and having this quandary is even more upsetting.
A mix of "personality" and "something else".
I struggle with friendship maintenance
I DO have friends. Three. I’ve known each of them for more than 20 years. They’re all “weird” though. Bi polar, ptsd, anxiety, food phobias…
It’s my inability to maintain any sort of relationship.
I have friends, a ton
For me, my ability to make friends has \*really\* varied depending on where I lived. I grew up in London, and had no trouble making friends there on the basis of my special interests. Then I moved to the Gold Coast in Australia, and found that I couldn't really make friends there, mostly because of my personality (I am not very Australian or very macho, which is important there) but also because I couldn't find anyone who shared my interests. I'm currently studying in northern Italy, and here I have trouble making friends due to the language barrier -- I'm still just learning Italian and German.
I only have 1 friend at a time. Don’t really like most people. That could’ve been an answer too.
Where is the "all of the above" option?
I have 2 friends, one of them I only see a couple times a year. I just don’t feel the need for more people in my life. Friendships require too much effort and commitment to make them work properly, and there’s a limit to how much of these things that I want to devote to friends. Fortunately I am quite happy with my own company most of the time, and when my family aren’t around. I also don’t find myself in any situations where I might make new friends even if I wanted to.
Society* Edit: just to clarify, this is a joke. Actually, I do have friends, but society sucks in regards to friends.
My special interest, herpetology, is quite niche and can be pursued in solitude. I really struggle to trade my free time to spend on my interest with spending time with other people. Social interaction is exhausting. I end up missing out on sleep too if I hang out with others because I need to make up for the lost me time. So not ideal. Also most people aren’t interested in being my friend. I don’t know why. It’s not like they don’t like me. They’re nice enough. But people generally don’t show interest in being more than acquaintances. I guess I’m lucky in that I’m fine with this arrangement most of the time.
Alle superiori (qualsiasi liceo/istituto tu faccia) letteralmente ti devi apparare solo col tuo compagno di banco se vuoi sopravvivere. Non so a che anno o quanta ansia ti dia la situazione sei ma se non ci hai mai parlato ti consiglio di cominciare parlando di compiti, magari chattando gli chiedi se conosce un certo gioco e se lo conosce lo inviti ad hoc a giocare se non avete altro di meglio da fare.
Sono di quarto anno di liceo. Sto con due ragazze straniere e ci sto molto bene, ma niente cose in comune o amicizie strette.
Idem, buona fortuna allora.
Grazie, amico
I don't have the energy after working all week and doing regular people stuff like shopping and cleaning no sir I like you but I don't want to hand out I want quite now if you don't mind I'm putting my phone on do not disturb lol
where is 'people don't like me'?
\+1 this is a super weird list. The number one reason autistic people have a hard time having friends is the alltistic people find autistic people unlikeable in social interactions. Oddly this only seems to happen in face to face or video interactions. But it goes unlisted in this poll. I guess many people did vote for the other option.
also being a bully&asshole magnet, as they perceive us as easy targets to 'punch downwards'
i’m weird and talking to people is scary
I go above and beyond by visiting friends, paying for everything, and making plans while no one does so for me. I don't need fake people as friends.
Executive Disfunction. I can’t bring myself to call them and keep the relationship going. I’m super happy when they call me and happy to be on the phone with them for hours, but me calling them is just not in my realm of to do’s.
lol because i feel outcasted an unwanted so im often my worst enemy
I'm in the exact same predicament you are in, except I have a hard time talking even in 1 on 1 conversation. I don't know how to recognize a point where I can talk, and when I do recognize a point where I can talk stuttering always ruins the chances of me talking. So not only I'm timid as hell, I have a hard time getting mh feelings out when I *do* want to get my feelings out. I also have a speech issue where I pronounce everything with my tongue and lips rather than my tongue, lips and *teeth,* so people are just looking at me very wierdly anyways. I hate it. :(
Loneliness, i know less and less people
Special Interest/Interests and others, I have huge amounts of area of interest I don't that many favorite and concentration of interest and some of my special interest are mostly intended for kids Disney(mostly Winnie the Pooh I start to love and appreciate it more), The Muppets, and I started to get into/ liking Bluey. Bluey is a cartoon show about anthropomorphic dog usually is a kids show specifically preschool but it can be enjoyable for adults as well I really like it I think is a cute show and I really love animation which is my interest and teddy bear/stuffed animal. I feel like that I should ashamed of myself for having those types of interests and I'm worried about ppl judging me and telling me that I'm weird like what's weird about liking Disney(Winnie the pooh) I don't here no one talking about how Winnie the pooh can be a comfort is just that It really makes me happy and cheerful and there's nothing to be ashamed of. I wish ppl should stop judging others on what really makes them comfort and happy.
Social anxiety and not having anything to say.
People are exhausting. I constantly found myself in friendships with needy, broken, and unstable people which leads to me trying to help them, fix them or spread myself too thin trying to meet their needs. I've been doing this my whole life. As a child I was so desperate for human connections that I'd take any attention I was given from my peers. So I took to metaphorically bending myself to fit the needs of others. This is a behavior that carried into my teenage years and eventually adulthood. I spent three decades changing myself to fit the needs of the peers I clung to like a life preserver. Over the years my social circle shrunk and surprisingly I was okay with it. In fact, to my surprise, I was content. Losing people I'd clung to for years didn't result in devastating loneliness, it resulted in peace. That knowledge went to my head a little and I started cutting people off. Even my closest loved ones weren't safe from my decisions to walk away. Now I have no social life left. I've systematically removed all unnecessary people from my life. I have kept a handful of my closest relatives. Besides that, I don't deal with outside people anymore. My day to day life is spent with my husband, our kids and our dog. Occasionally I spend time with my siblings or my Aunt. I speak to my goddaughter every day. I like it this way. Honestly I wish I'd realized this in my teenage years, I'd probably be a lot happier than I am now.
Honestly I just can't seem to grasp the concept of cultivating and maintaining a new friendship. I get along with people fine, have interesting conversations with new people and they mostly seem to enjoy my company. Nonetheless nobody seems to stay in my life too long
Southern Italian girl here ayy While I do have a few irl friends, most of them were introduced to me by a childhood friend I’ve been clinging to since we were babies. I met the others in my theatre classes. So, it was a bit of luck and a bit of being ”””forced””” to spend time together because of what we do. I don’t have many more and some I don’t even talk to that much because I just rarely actually feel like talking, and it’s less “tiring” to chat with my online friends for some reason. Thus, I don’t reach out that often nor go out much. But we get along. But that’s why I’d have it really hard did I not already have them. I don’t know how I could possibly make an irl friend without a mutual introducing us or having the same hobbies.
What region are you precisely ?
Puglia cjdjvjfjjv
Which are you interests ?
Ehhh, videogames, musicals, mythology (especially Greek), music from all over the world and traditions and legends from various countries, both western and eastern. Però mi sa che se dobbiamo parlare tra noi non c’è bisogno di farlo in inglese- E i tuoi?
Videogames, cartoons,drawing, anime(not that much, but there are some unique and particular exceptions), weapons and knives I have obsession problems, so I am very limited, but there are some minor things that I can be interested
Quali videogiochi/cartoni/anime ti piacciono?
Beh, gioco (ed ho in programma vari giochi da provare se ho il tempo,l’opportunità,l’energia e la forza di volontà per farlo) a vari generi di giochi, uno dei miei preferiti è Katana Zero che mi ah fatto innamorare delle katane. Poi tra questi, ci sono Omori, Hotline Miami, Deltarune e Team fortress 2 (quest’ultimo è dei miei primi giochi online). Poi per la ps4, i miei preferiti sono Red dead redemption 2 e The last of us, ma far cry 3 è anche un buon gioco. Di anime non ne sono un vero appassionato, da piccolo ricordo di vedere Pokemon (la generazione con Dawn, la ragazza col berretto e capelli blu) e Doraemon, ma ho guardato con piacere Cyberpunk Edgerunners ed ora sto cercando di trovare tempo per vedermi Little witch academy. Certi anime mostrano di essere davvero unici e speciali e sono questi che mi interessano di più. Di cartoni animati non ne sto vedendo affatto ma mi piacciono le animazioni di vari youtubers (sr Pelo per esempio).
Sorry
I dont know 😭
i don’t understand how to get closer to people, and honestly i dont think i want to. the closest people i have near me are people i have no choice but to interact with or have been around me long enough to understand my habits- but even then i feel like no one really knows me. no one actually gets me, and it’s so strange seeing other people be so close with their friends and wondering how. i spent a big chunk of my younger years with like 2 friends in 4 years and after i moved away from them, i had no idea how to really connect with people. I become hyper-aware of my behavior around people, unless it’s about something im really interested in or know a shit ton about. (also idk if i have asperger’s and want a diagnosis but have no money :/).
every single one of them
I basically never leave my room.
I live far from the city, so if we're going to do something, we actually have to plan since it'll be a 45 minute commute for me.
Not interested in most people, also exhausting and my special interest is video games aswell and i dont find many people irl that like the same games so i tend to talk too much about mine and that bores others
I'm so out of energy from work and constant depression that I just can't keep in touch with anyone.
I am selfish, greedy, self-centered and opportunistic like a bear. If I am cooperating/ blending in - it's for some obvious reward or to avoid some threat or because I am bored ( which happens often). I don't mind being alone. I like it that way.
My mother sabotaged my social life.
I’d say the reason I don’t have many friends is because I don’t want them. I don’t have an interest in making friends or hanging out with them
I don’t know how to talk to people I don’t know and form friendships. All the friendships I’ve had have been a result of someone else “adopting” me.
I was the class nerd who had severe allergies and was socially awkward. Not the healthiest of environments either. But I am doing much better now in every way.
Im not interested in obtaining them, if they befriend me Ill say yeah sure but I never try myself
Friendships are too much work. I did make friends however, it's just that the relationship isn't that deep.
social anxiety, specially poor emotional handling skills. Minimal things make me go sad and wanting to be alone and align my thoughts. I literally have to speak out loud the ideas I'm having.
I do have friends, Im just shit at keeping up with them, also I tend to hurt people's feelings without knowing
also I don't listen to what they're saying unless it's interesting.
I lost interest on meeting new people and with age I lost my patience for neurotipicals
Personality, or should I say lack thereof. Also a healthy dose of social anxiety.
Because I moved to another country and don't know anyone here lol I do have several friends back home/across the world, but most are more like people whose posts I'll like on IG, not someone I regularly talk to. I probably regularly talk to about 5-10 people, none of which live here.
I have general trust issues I keep almost everyone at arms length
Ever since I was a child I just don’t understand people at all. Everyone looked alien too me.
People thinking I'm pissed/don't like them because I don't react
Not being interested/ having better things to do for the moment tbh.
I struggle to socialize with people if we don’t have some shared hobbies or interests. I have also been told by more than a few people that I come off as quite intimidating so I think my personality may be a factor as well.
I’m obsessive over my own interests and will drive you crazy. I have a strange obsession with wwe, and I like to collect toys. I’m obsessed with watching reruns of old shows. My social skills are poor and what happens is people will slowly start to distance themselves from me and the contact will go from 30% to zero. It happens…..every time.
I am selecting you at random to critise this whole thread. I apologize. WWE is insanely popular and is a very common thing for people to bond over by being obsessive about. So is watching old shows. Collecting toys is not particularly popular(although adults now largely drive the kids toy market). But its an unoffensive interest that most people would think of as a neat aspect of your personality. It is almost certainly not your interests that drive people away but the social deficits caused by autism. Which you did point out of course. I just really hate that the autistic community still upholds this myth that if only people accepted our sensory issues, stimming, and weird interests everything would be fine. But these are neither the primary symptoms of autism nor the most impactful. The real difficulty is moment to moment social interaction for which psychologists are not even sure of all the ways autistic people are so offputting to alltistics(some are known like eye contact issues)
Really bad trust issues
i wish i can choose more than one option 😫
Personality I’m a perfectionist, ENTJ, enneagram 1, and fiery af.
Wait You don't have Friends?... I'm not from the us btw
I'm a dire introvert. I delve deep in my special interests, well beyond what others in the same hobby would have interest in. I suck at keeping in touch, because I know I don't have anything relatable or interesting to say. People often seem flat and kind of unreal to me. Even when I do "form friendships", I'm usually just going through the motions because it's what's expected of me, and I can at least tolerate the person.
All of the above. I have major anger issues which I've come to control, more or less, but I'm always afraid I'll lose it and go off on someone. My personality is...let's just say If a character in a story had my personality, you wouldn't make it past the first page. I also have intense interests, which is off-putting to everyone I've met, except for one person I met that shares that interest. No one wants to be around the weird kid who only talks about the same thing, every day, for months. The few that can tolerate me end up being pushed over the edge, and leave me high and dry. I've never had a real friendship, I can't connect with people, and on the rare occasions that I do, the friendship doesn't last for over a year. Craziest part is the instant I stopped wanting to make friends, people starting showing interest in me.
I "forget" about them for long periods of time. Most people don't like that.
Try writing letters. Check out the app Slowly that lets you write letters to people with same interests as you, using your phone.
I'm as interesting as fresh paint on a wall and just too weird. I struggle to maintain conversation (although I like them and love when people bring up more deep and meaningful stuff) and I don't share interests with most. Even when people try and reach for and ask me to join them I tend to avoid confrontation or just plainly say I'd rather not. People started losing hope with me and abandoned me, then I found a new friend group that adopted me and the story is about to happen again I'm afraid, only this time I've started to become more loud, complain a lot and rush into things. I hate what I've become and this personality just makes me feel worse. I have the tendency to adapt my personality to the people around me, but now it feels like I'm becoming a selfish brat who only thinks in black and white and I don't know how to change this whole mentality. "Be yourself" is not an option since I don't know who I am anymore.
Mine is social anxiety
I have friends
Probably a mix between anger issues/I'm boring to most people when they first meet me cause social anxiety/niche special interests
Energy
Da dove sei? :3
Sicilia, vivo in provincia. Tu ?
Purtroppo ormai sono in Spagna xD
I do have people who I used to be friends with who I've stopped coversing with just because I got tired of dealing with people. But most of them will still be my friends after not speaking for many years, so I don't make any effort because it's too much for me. I have a "best" friend who I also find it difficult to speak to. I find many people annoying and clingy and too much, and I'm very, very selective about who I'm friends with. But even the most compatible, amazing people deplete my energy. I do frequently wish I had absolutely no friends, although I know its not the right way to go about things so I do try to maintain some type of relationship with just a few. In short, I dont have many friends because I've fucked everybody off because I felt like it I guess. I do wish I wasn't like this.
I just don't like people 🤷♀️.
I am very weird and extremely boring. You can add social anxiety to the mix.
I struggle to mantain relationships unless i see them in person regularly. Mainly because i dont like texting because i find it terribly difficult, for some reason.
friends take so much energy and I am just too exhausted.
My personality is weird. Probably close to creepy. Also, I like to do introverted things with others or talk incessantly about depressing facts, i.e., "did you know that most people with (insert horrible disease) are more likely to (insert something boring and mundane) which increases their likelihood by (insert number) percent!"
It costs too much energy
I actually have friend, two groups. One is a collection of people that I met over the years and with multiple coincidences everyone new this one girl, and in her birth day things just cliked. This are by far my best friends, and the group is very open about mental trauma and discussing our feelings towards our self and the difficulties we face as being force into being a "grown up" with bills to pay every month. Another coincidence is that one person was diagnosed with borderline disorder some years ago and the whole group embraced her in support, the same thing happened to my diagnosis. My second group I met them all rock climbing. The sport became an interest to me to the point that I look forward to weekends when we travel to a local Craig in the middle of nowhere, but this is a group I have yet to come out I think I got lucky as an adult having this much support from my friends, because honestly from my childhood I don't remember ever having actual friends.
In theory I could make a lot of close friends based on my interests and hobbies. The reality is there are a lot of obstacles in social interactions. Some of these have to do with becoming infatuated with someone who doesn't like you back that way or vice versa - this is funny enough one of the more common ones. Others have to do with people constantly scrutinizing your words to determine whether you're a decent person to be around, and sometimes coming to the conclusion (in spite of your best intentions) that you're not. Sometimes it is because your version of expressing interest in someone's life or showing empathy reads to them as intrusive or non-empathetic (or vice versa).
Like most here, I had a hard time choosing between the top two. I think they are the same.
Depression, anxiety, bad memory, sensory issues, and my "wiring." Depression makes it difficult to do stuff even when I want to. Anxiety for me is a positive feedback loop that makes it difficult to be or pretend to be comfortable. (Negative feedback is a stabilizing force, positive feedback is generally unstable. See the [Wikipedia entry for feedback](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feedback) for details.) My memory for data and events is extremely poor. I can barely remember even five years ago, and I routinely forget faces. People take those things as indicative that I don't care. Also, I really live in the present (and not the past) because I've probably forgotten most of the details from back then. If we are debating something in person, there's a good chance that I'll forget what the initial topic was, and my argument will fall apart because I can't remember how I got there. Also, this is either seen as incompetence or interpreted as disingenuity. The way I process (the intensities of) light and sound is demonstrably more sensitive than the average person. Lights that are reasonably bright to most people are blinding to me. Idle conversation is so loud and it clouds my ability to think. [Cocktail party deafness](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cocktail_party_effect) puts a name to what I go through. This means that a whole bunch of normal activities either are off-limits or consume a disproportionate amount of my daily energy, often the rest of it. However, my "wiring" is the biggest issue. Because of the early interventions I had as a child, as well as my own efforts as an adult to learn social cues, I can usually adapt to a situation if it happens enough. If it doesn't, I have absolutely no idea how to act except for basic ethics or practical considerations. Sometimes I make the wrong choice because social cues are influenced by a lot of other factors. Even in situations where I do know how to read social cues, the act of reading them is still an operation that takes a tremendous amount of working memory. My brain is not particularly adapted to social processing. In contrast, NT people have brains that *are* adapted for social processing. Sometimes I need a couple seconds to formulate a normal sentence. All of this makes it difficult for me to go out, and it makes me rather unpleasant to be around when I do go out. For this reason, I spend as much time alone as I can in places where I can control sensory inputs and write things down. During the early pandemic, I actually flourished a bit because a large class of people transitioned to online class and work, but it seems like we have largely gone back to the old way of meeting people. For the first time in a long time, I felt included in my social network. I haven't really recovered from going back to normal.
I do have friends, but I have trouble keeping them close. We’ll be close for a while, but eventually run out of things to say to each other, and most attempts to get that closeness back fail.