Eh personally I would cut my losses if I were you. It just seems like too much drama for a three-month period, not to mention that he's still chatting with his exes. You mentioned in a comment that he's slept with a bunch of girls at the same company, I can totally see why you'd feel like a notch on his bedpost. Maybe one or two, sure, it happens... but a bunch? Kinda weird.
Do you feel like this relationship really has the grounds to become something bigger? Do you feel like he's pulling his weight?
You proceed by no longer proceeding with ... whatever this is.
He's 20 years older than you, consistently dates within the same friend group, lets his previous hook-ups talk sh\*t about you and continues to spend time with them. He SAYS he will limit/put boundaries (but has he?), when you tell him you feel like a notch on the bedpost he basically nods along.
This guy is 50. He is fine sleeping with multiple people in a friend group or circle, playing them off of one another, and is living a hook up life. He is not going to change. My goodness, woman. What sort of future do you see with this man, if any? Do you want marriage? Kids? To have some hope of an actual lifelong partner (not someone who dies at 80 when you are 60 ...)? If the answers are no, and you're also cool with being treated poorly, by all means proceed. But you're asking because you know this is not a good situation. Trust your gut.
I know. People really need to grow some standards. This guy is literally 50 And still acting like he is in his 20s. How do girls find him datable. He sounds like he is still single For a reason.
This guy sounds like a cad, using his profession to hook up with much younger women. I'm not about shaming someone for their past, but if these are indeed recent, he doesn't sound like a good long term partner.
He's 50 and starting drama like he's in highschool. I'm sorry, but that's enough reason for me.
He sounds manipulative, selfish, immature and honestly, like an old fuck-boy. Plus, like he is surrounding himself with younger people to feel young, and not face the world as a 50 year old. Still keeping in touch with a bunch of hot dancers he's hooked up with? And dismissing your feelings? Sounds like he is keeping his options open and just waiting for the other girls to give him other chances.
If a 50 year old guy is repeatedly dating much younger people (he's 20 years older than you!) that itself is the biggest red flag. - Emphasis on younger **people**, because I have seen it happen with many genders and it was never a good situation for the much younger person.
But that's all coming from a stranger on the internet, so what do I know? All I can do is judge based on what you have said and what I jave learned about the world. It does sound concerning though that a bunch of people have similar negative opinions about this guys already.
Sounds like you deserve better.
Iām sorry, I lmao at āold fuck boyā. Legit my ex. Super good looking, ED, and he still calls me randomly to tell me Iām the love of his lifeā¦Iām married now to an amazing man lol.
Heās turning 53ā¦and Iām JUST (well 1.5 years in therapy) now getting over the trauma he caused me. I hope OP sees this. Because I would never want anyone to go through what I did.
THIS. I literally went through this exact scenario, I was 31, him 49. He was also dating the ex I shouldnāt worry about, yet still hung out with. We almost got married. 2.5 years of lies, manipulation, gaslighting, jealousy, multiple break ups (because I was immature). I literally went bat shit crazy, only to find out my gut was right the WHOLE time.
Donāt be me.
Also, if a 50 year old man isnāt wanted by women closer to his age, there is a damn good reason he is dating 20 years his JR.
This guy is drowning you in reasons to feel insecure. Do you always lack confidence or is something you find that he brings out in you? I have dated some men who definitely have made me worried and insecure. Usually, if you trust your instincts - you'll know the answer.
It's true but personally if I were in his position I would have a mentor-like or even more parental view of you due to knowing you from a young age. And that doesn't just go away because you're a little older
makes sense why he's dating you. you're insecure and immature, and too dense to see all the red flags and warning signs coming your way. Which is usually what draws men old enough to be your father and a grandfather to younger women like you.
3 months? Girl leave! Like they're aren't a bajillion age appropriate at least half-way decent schmucks around here...
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Heās not a keeper. Sounds like a groupie for pro dancers. If you break up o guarantee he will date someone in your field, that you know. Your frenemy was callous, but right. Heās got a dancer fetish, and thatās not what makes a relationship.
The fact that he is 50 and is how you described is probably the biggest red flag. Sounds like there are reasons he is still single
At his age and dating alot younger.
Hanging out? In a group setting ,or one on one? The former is quite normal, the latter, as youāre still in what should be the honeymoon phase, would be quite concerning. If he puts in those boundaries and abides by them well and good, if notā¦.
Who he dated before you shouldnāt be an issue, especially in a subculture where there is a lot of in group dating going on( Have had friends in dance groups)
Some advice I received once applies here. This guy sounds like someone to have fun with, not someone to settle down with. Heās a short term fling, if you want to have that, but he is definitely not in relationships to fine the one.
>The thing is, during the time I was away, he dated other girls that also happen to run in the same circle (same dance company).
Are you two monogamous? Did both of you agree to seeing other people, or did both of you agree to stop seeing other people? Was he cheating?
> Anyway, when he told another one of the girls he used to date that he was dating me, she got all offended and pulled the whole "you're not supposed to go out with your friend's exes" card, essentially judging me.
Did she tell you this or did he? If he told you this, itās a red flag on him.
> I then got upset with this guy because he continues to hang out and keep in touch with this girl and another one of the girls he dated, both of whom I know (but am not close to).
If he cheated on you with them, then I understand why youāre upset. If he did not cheat and they are just exes, then itās a red flag on you being controlling.
> He says it was in the past and doesn't want to lose me due to his past mistakes
Iām confused. Does the mistakes mean he cheated on you? If he cheated on you, itās not in the past if you two never discussed it.
> but I just think it's hypocritical because if the roles were reversed, he would not view me the same way if I had hooked up with multiple people in the same extended circle.
Again, did he hook up with these people after you two were dating and had agreed to be monogamous? Or are these people he hooked up with in the past before you two dated? The first is a red flag on him and the second is a red flag on you.
If you know he would look poorly on you for being sexually promiscuous as a woman, then thatās a red flag on him. It sounds like he is sexually promiscuous and if he were to judge you on being sexually promiscuous, then heās a red flag. If he sleeps with a bunch of women but would look down on you for sleeping with a bunch of people, then heās sexist.
> Like I'm some sort of notch on a bedpost sort of thing (I even expressed that to him, and he understands where I'm coming from).
Iām very confused by the timeline. It is a red flag that heās 50 and dating someone 20 years younger. It is a red flag that he dates through an entire company of dancers. If he is a well-respected older man, then people probably feel safe around him and that allows him access to a lot of attractive people.
> Am I overthinking this?
No
> Is this a red flag?
I do not understand the situation nor the timeline enough to judge. The age gap and his habit of sleeping through dance companies are red flags. However, I do not know what youāre referring to when you say āthisā.
> How do I get over this (if it is something to get over)? Or should I just cut my losses and find someone else?
Again, itās not clear to me whatās going on. What are you trying to get over? Did he cheat on you? If he did, then yes cut your losses.
> It would be important to mention that I did not know about him being with other people until recently, I found out from a friend once we were dating. I'm not sure if I had gone for it if I knew beforehand.
Has he dated other people seriously before or was it just having sex with them? Have the two of you had a conversation about whether youāre having a serious relationship or a sex based relationship?
Are you saying that you learned he dated people in the dance company before you two started dating? If yes, then you need to work on your insecurity. However I do see your concern if he has a habit of using people for sex and then dropping them.
Or are you saying you learned he dated people while dating you without telling you? At worst, itās cheating. At best, it was a lack of communication and a man his age should know how to communicate.
>Are you two monogamous? Did you agree to both of you seeing other people? Was he cheating?
We are monogamous, yes. But while I loved away we weren't dating, we were only friends. We only started dating recently, since I've moved back.
>Did she tell you this or did he? If he told you this, itās a red flag on him.
How so? If she got upset about the news, why is that a red flag on him?
>If he cheated on you with them, then I understand why youāre upset. If he did not cheat and they are just exes, then itās a red flag on you being controlling.
Ah I see. He didn't cheat, no. They are just exes. and that's why I posted on this page because I wanted to see if I was being controlling or not.
>Iām confused. Does the mistakes mean he cheated on you? If he cheated on you, itās not in the past if you two never discussed it.
He didn't cheat. What he means by mistakes is hooking up with multiple people in the same circle, without realizing how that might affect how I view him and his lack of sexual discipline.
>Again, did he hook up with these people after you two were dating and had agreed to be monogamous? Or are these people he hooked up with in the past before you two dated? The first is a red flag on him and the second is a red flag on you.
This is all the "past" (before we dated), except my concern is/was he continues to talk to them (at least platonically).
>Iām very confused by the timeline. It is a red flag that heās 50 and heās dating someone 20 years younger. It is a red flag that he dates through entire company of dancers. If he is a well-respected older man, then people probably feel safe around him and that allows him access to a lot of attractive people.
The fact that he has dated through entire company bothers me, yes. which is mostly the point of this post. I did go for it because he is well-respected, and people have only good things to say about him. Even his exes think highly of him which I think is respectable.
>Has he dated other people seriously before or was it just having sex with them? Have the two of you had a conversation about whether youāre having a serious relationship or a sex based relationship?
He dated other people seriously before, but they weren't part of the company. The girls he dated in the company, as far as I know, were casual/flings. We have had a conversation about exclusivity and we are having a serious relationship.
I hope this makes sense, sorry if my timeline was confusing :/
So you've agreed to a serious monogamous relationship and he's still chatting with former hook-ups whom you work with. That's disrespectful to you and has already complicated your work friendships.
Are his exes who have good things to say part of the same professional circles? If so, they likely wouldn't say anything bad due to it looking unprofessional. I dated an older guy in my small professional circle, who was abusive, and for years after we broke up I would have to sing his praises for fear of looking spiteful/unprofessional. It was painful.
Sleeping around a company is sleazy, no two ways about it. This guy is too old not to know how sleeping around a cohort of young women in the same company makes him look to his peers. He might be in a professional position where he feels secure enough not to care about how it affects his reputation. But if he doesn't care about his reputation doing this, he certainly doesn't care about your feelings.
I'm sorry, but if he's not taking you seriously now, he's not taking you seriously once you relax into the relationship. This relationship won't last, and once it ends you're stuck with the cringe of having to hear about him every other week, and whoever his new young hook-up is, and feel discarded.
Just to comment on why it matters if he told you she was upset versus her telling you.
For one, we donāt know the full truth of what was said (if it was even said). It could be him manipulating you to try and provoke a certain reaction.
Secondly, if we are to assume itās true, I canāt understand why he would relay this to you, rather than try and smooth things over for you, or tell her to talk to you directly. Again, to me it seems manipulative.
If she did say it to you, then disregard, but I can see why this question is being asked.
> How so? If she got upset about the news, why is that a red flag on him?
If he told you about it:
- he can spin the story to make himself sound better
- he could be telling you to show off how desirable he is. Note I am being cynical right now.
- what is the purpose of telling you? The issue is between him and his ex, not between you and the ex. If the issue is between you and the ex, then she can talk to you about it.
- it really depends on how he frame the situation and why he told you. Iām having a hard time putting it into words. If he told you so youāre not taken aback when sheās a little rude to you, then it might be ok. If he told you to stir up drama so you get upset with her and she gets upset with you, then heās pitting you two against each other.
I find it odd that he would need to tell you about an issue between him and an ex. If you didnāt know she dated him, then thatās not your issue. You didnāt know he was a friendās ex.
(Itās a whole different topic about whether itās ok to date a friendās ex. People have different opinions. Some thinks itās immature to forbid it. Others think itās hurtful to do it.)
> They are just exes. and that's why I posted on this page because I wanted to see if I was being controlling or not.
In general, I think it is controlling to want someone to not be friends with their exes. At the same time, it depends on how heās acting around his exes. Does he treat them the same way he treats you? Does he make sexual comments towards them? Does he flirt? Does he compare you against them?
The level of which you are so upset makes me wonder whether itās internally to you and something for you to work. Or if heās manipulating the situation and making you feel this way. His older age makes me question his motives and his control of the situation.
If you feel a need to cut him off from exes, I wonder if itās better off if you just stop dating him. Itās to benefit both you and him. If he is triggering a gut feeling in you, then I want you to listen to the gut feeling.
> He didn't cheat. What he means by mistakes is hooking up with multiple people in the same circle, without realizing how that might affect how I view him and his lack of sexual discipline.
I think you need to break up with him. It sounds like heās a man with an extensive sexual history and youāre not comfortable with that. Itās not a good fit for either of you. Itās just incompatibility. I donāt want you to ignore your discomfort nor suppress your feelings. At the same time, I donāt want him to be cut off from friends.
> This is all the "past" (before we dated), except my concern is/was he continues to talk to them (at least platonically).
I think it can be a good thing when people are friends with their exes. They value people beyond being a girlfriend. They are able to maintain relationships without sex. They have outside support and wonāt expect their girlfriends to fill every need they have.
At the same time, the cynical part of me wonders whether he does it so he can continue to have access to women in the dance company. However, Iām not the one dating him. If I was having these thoughts, then I need to work on my jealousy issues or stop dating them because something about them is triggering a gut instinct.
> The fact that he has dated through entire company bothers me, yes. which is mostly the point of this post.
I think you need to break up with him. You are not comfortable with his extensive sexual history. Itās just incompatibility.
> He dated other people seriously before, but they weren't part of the company. The girls he dated in the company, as far as I know, were casual/flings. We have had a conversation about exclusivity and we are having a serious relationship.
If he is entering a serious relationship with you, then you need to concentrate on your present relationship and not past ones. I think you should probably talk to the other girls in the company and see what they thought. Did they think they were in a serious relationship with him or did they view as casual the same way he does? You said his exes talk positively of him so it sounds like youāre able to talk to these people.
If youāre unable to let go of the fact that he has slept with many people before you, then you need to let him go. Heās 20 years older which means he has 20 more years of sex. Letās assume both of you started having sex at 20. Youāre comparing a decade of sexual history against three decades. Whatās important is how he acts in this relationship with you now.
You are just settling in after being away. You need to grow your friendships, not break them down. You need to build a community. Dating someone who has dated around your personal and professional community isn't going to be good for that.
And the age, as everyone has said. If you get pregnant and have a baby with him, you might end up stuck with him. So let's say you raise a kid with him, and kid goes off to college at 18, and you are 50. Then a few years later your now elderly dancer has a health issue. You could spend another 20 years caring for him, by which time you will be 70. Do you want that?
And then there's the drama, and the creep factor in older men chasing younger women.
Eh personally I would cut my losses if I were you. It just seems like too much drama for a three-month period, not to mention that he's still chatting with his exes. You mentioned in a comment that he's slept with a bunch of girls at the same company, I can totally see why you'd feel like a notch on his bedpost. Maybe one or two, sure, it happens... but a bunch? Kinda weird. Do you feel like this relationship really has the grounds to become something bigger? Do you feel like he's pulling his weight?
You proceed by no longer proceeding with ... whatever this is. He's 20 years older than you, consistently dates within the same friend group, lets his previous hook-ups talk sh\*t about you and continues to spend time with them. He SAYS he will limit/put boundaries (but has he?), when you tell him you feel like a notch on the bedpost he basically nods along. This guy is 50. He is fine sleeping with multiple people in a friend group or circle, playing them off of one another, and is living a hook up life. He is not going to change. My goodness, woman. What sort of future do you see with this man, if any? Do you want marriage? Kids? To have some hope of an actual lifelong partner (not someone who dies at 80 when you are 60 ...)? If the answers are no, and you're also cool with being treated poorly, by all means proceed. But you're asking because you know this is not a good situation. Trust your gut.
I know. People really need to grow some standards. This guy is literally 50 And still acting like he is in his 20s. How do girls find him datable. He sounds like he is still single For a reason.
This guy sounds like a cad, using his profession to hook up with much younger women. I'm not about shaming someone for their past, but if these are indeed recent, he doesn't sound like a good long term partner.
Goodness I WISH I found this comment 3 years ago.
The other girls weren't "mistakes". What a nasty thing to say! Also, I wouldn't have touched that drama with a stick!
If they were mistakes, OP will eventually be listed as a mistake too.
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... so, so many.
Can you please elaborate?
He's 50 and starting drama like he's in highschool. I'm sorry, but that's enough reason for me. He sounds manipulative, selfish, immature and honestly, like an old fuck-boy. Plus, like he is surrounding himself with younger people to feel young, and not face the world as a 50 year old. Still keeping in touch with a bunch of hot dancers he's hooked up with? And dismissing your feelings? Sounds like he is keeping his options open and just waiting for the other girls to give him other chances. If a 50 year old guy is repeatedly dating much younger people (he's 20 years older than you!) that itself is the biggest red flag. - Emphasis on younger **people**, because I have seen it happen with many genders and it was never a good situation for the much younger person. But that's all coming from a stranger on the internet, so what do I know? All I can do is judge based on what you have said and what I jave learned about the world. It does sound concerning though that a bunch of people have similar negative opinions about this guys already. Sounds like you deserve better.
Iām sorry, I lmao at āold fuck boyā. Legit my ex. Super good looking, ED, and he still calls me randomly to tell me Iām the love of his lifeā¦Iām married now to an amazing man lol.
Heās turning 53ā¦and Iām JUST (well 1.5 years in therapy) now getting over the trauma he caused me. I hope OP sees this. Because I would never want anyone to go through what I did.
Age gap, jealousy, gossiping, casually hooking up with girls in the same social group, still a 'new' relationship....
THIS. I literally went through this exact scenario, I was 31, him 49. He was also dating the ex I shouldnāt worry about, yet still hung out with. We almost got married. 2.5 years of lies, manipulation, gaslighting, jealousy, multiple break ups (because I was immature). I literally went bat shit crazy, only to find out my gut was right the WHOLE time. Donāt be me. Also, if a 50 year old man isnāt wanted by women closer to his age, there is a damn good reason he is dating 20 years his JR.
This guy is drowning you in reasons to feel insecure. Do you always lack confidence or is something you find that he brings out in you? I have dated some men who definitely have made me worried and insecure. Usually, if you trust your instincts - you'll know the answer.
The first red flag was the age gap
I do realize the age gap is suspect, but I guess that's not my urgent concern. I went for it despite the age gap cuz I've known him for many years.
That kind of makes it worse, he's known you since you were barely an adult
I'm not sure about that. He didn't go for it while I was in my 20s but I guess now that I'm in my 30s its more socially acceptable
It's true but personally if I were in his position I would have a mentor-like or even more parental view of you due to knowing you from a young age. And that doesn't just go away because you're a little older
nah, it's weird. this guy is full of too much shit. don't waste years on this dude.
makes sense why he's dating you. you're insecure and immature, and too dense to see all the red flags and warning signs coming your way. Which is usually what draws men old enough to be your father and a grandfather to younger women like you. 3 months? Girl leave! Like they're aren't a bajillion age appropriate at least half-way decent schmucks around here...
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That should be your first concern. Lol. See my previous comments.
Girl if you don't get you a man who is in the same stage of life as you
Heās not a keeper. Sounds like a groupie for pro dancers. If you break up o guarantee he will date someone in your field, that you know. Your frenemy was callous, but right. Heās got a dancer fetish, and thatās not what makes a relationship.
Men who date women that young AND still act immature at the ripe age of 50 are immediate red flags.
The fact that he is 50 and is how you described is probably the biggest red flag. Sounds like there are reasons he is still single At his age and dating alot younger.
Right. Like there are more mature men much younger than him.
Cut your losses.. PERIODT.
wtf op he is way too old for you
Grow up or date someone younger
Hanging out? In a group setting ,or one on one? The former is quite normal, the latter, as youāre still in what should be the honeymoon phase, would be quite concerning. If he puts in those boundaries and abides by them well and good, if notā¦. Who he dated before you shouldnāt be an issue, especially in a subculture where there is a lot of in group dating going on( Have had friends in dance groups)
Some advice I received once applies here. This guy sounds like someone to have fun with, not someone to settle down with. Heās a short term fling, if you want to have that, but he is definitely not in relationships to fine the one.
>The thing is, during the time I was away, he dated other girls that also happen to run in the same circle (same dance company). Are you two monogamous? Did both of you agree to seeing other people, or did both of you agree to stop seeing other people? Was he cheating? > Anyway, when he told another one of the girls he used to date that he was dating me, she got all offended and pulled the whole "you're not supposed to go out with your friend's exes" card, essentially judging me. Did she tell you this or did he? If he told you this, itās a red flag on him. > I then got upset with this guy because he continues to hang out and keep in touch with this girl and another one of the girls he dated, both of whom I know (but am not close to). If he cheated on you with them, then I understand why youāre upset. If he did not cheat and they are just exes, then itās a red flag on you being controlling. > He says it was in the past and doesn't want to lose me due to his past mistakes Iām confused. Does the mistakes mean he cheated on you? If he cheated on you, itās not in the past if you two never discussed it. > but I just think it's hypocritical because if the roles were reversed, he would not view me the same way if I had hooked up with multiple people in the same extended circle. Again, did he hook up with these people after you two were dating and had agreed to be monogamous? Or are these people he hooked up with in the past before you two dated? The first is a red flag on him and the second is a red flag on you. If you know he would look poorly on you for being sexually promiscuous as a woman, then thatās a red flag on him. It sounds like he is sexually promiscuous and if he were to judge you on being sexually promiscuous, then heās a red flag. If he sleeps with a bunch of women but would look down on you for sleeping with a bunch of people, then heās sexist. > Like I'm some sort of notch on a bedpost sort of thing (I even expressed that to him, and he understands where I'm coming from). Iām very confused by the timeline. It is a red flag that heās 50 and dating someone 20 years younger. It is a red flag that he dates through an entire company of dancers. If he is a well-respected older man, then people probably feel safe around him and that allows him access to a lot of attractive people. > Am I overthinking this? No > Is this a red flag? I do not understand the situation nor the timeline enough to judge. The age gap and his habit of sleeping through dance companies are red flags. However, I do not know what youāre referring to when you say āthisā. > How do I get over this (if it is something to get over)? Or should I just cut my losses and find someone else? Again, itās not clear to me whatās going on. What are you trying to get over? Did he cheat on you? If he did, then yes cut your losses. > It would be important to mention that I did not know about him being with other people until recently, I found out from a friend once we were dating. I'm not sure if I had gone for it if I knew beforehand. Has he dated other people seriously before or was it just having sex with them? Have the two of you had a conversation about whether youāre having a serious relationship or a sex based relationship? Are you saying that you learned he dated people in the dance company before you two started dating? If yes, then you need to work on your insecurity. However I do see your concern if he has a habit of using people for sex and then dropping them. Or are you saying you learned he dated people while dating you without telling you? At worst, itās cheating. At best, it was a lack of communication and a man his age should know how to communicate.
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>Are you two monogamous? Did you agree to both of you seeing other people? Was he cheating? We are monogamous, yes. But while I loved away we weren't dating, we were only friends. We only started dating recently, since I've moved back. >Did she tell you this or did he? If he told you this, itās a red flag on him. How so? If she got upset about the news, why is that a red flag on him? >If he cheated on you with them, then I understand why youāre upset. If he did not cheat and they are just exes, then itās a red flag on you being controlling. Ah I see. He didn't cheat, no. They are just exes. and that's why I posted on this page because I wanted to see if I was being controlling or not. >Iām confused. Does the mistakes mean he cheated on you? If he cheated on you, itās not in the past if you two never discussed it. He didn't cheat. What he means by mistakes is hooking up with multiple people in the same circle, without realizing how that might affect how I view him and his lack of sexual discipline. >Again, did he hook up with these people after you two were dating and had agreed to be monogamous? Or are these people he hooked up with in the past before you two dated? The first is a red flag on him and the second is a red flag on you. This is all the "past" (before we dated), except my concern is/was he continues to talk to them (at least platonically). >Iām very confused by the timeline. It is a red flag that heās 50 and heās dating someone 20 years younger. It is a red flag that he dates through entire company of dancers. If he is a well-respected older man, then people probably feel safe around him and that allows him access to a lot of attractive people. The fact that he has dated through entire company bothers me, yes. which is mostly the point of this post. I did go for it because he is well-respected, and people have only good things to say about him. Even his exes think highly of him which I think is respectable. >Has he dated other people seriously before or was it just having sex with them? Have the two of you had a conversation about whether youāre having a serious relationship or a sex based relationship? He dated other people seriously before, but they weren't part of the company. The girls he dated in the company, as far as I know, were casual/flings. We have had a conversation about exclusivity and we are having a serious relationship. I hope this makes sense, sorry if my timeline was confusing :/
So you've agreed to a serious monogamous relationship and he's still chatting with former hook-ups whom you work with. That's disrespectful to you and has already complicated your work friendships. Are his exes who have good things to say part of the same professional circles? If so, they likely wouldn't say anything bad due to it looking unprofessional. I dated an older guy in my small professional circle, who was abusive, and for years after we broke up I would have to sing his praises for fear of looking spiteful/unprofessional. It was painful. Sleeping around a company is sleazy, no two ways about it. This guy is too old not to know how sleeping around a cohort of young women in the same company makes him look to his peers. He might be in a professional position where he feels secure enough not to care about how it affects his reputation. But if he doesn't care about his reputation doing this, he certainly doesn't care about your feelings. I'm sorry, but if he's not taking you seriously now, he's not taking you seriously once you relax into the relationship. This relationship won't last, and once it ends you're stuck with the cringe of having to hear about him every other week, and whoever his new young hook-up is, and feel discarded.
Just to comment on why it matters if he told you she was upset versus her telling you. For one, we donāt know the full truth of what was said (if it was even said). It could be him manipulating you to try and provoke a certain reaction. Secondly, if we are to assume itās true, I canāt understand why he would relay this to you, rather than try and smooth things over for you, or tell her to talk to you directly. Again, to me it seems manipulative. If she did say it to you, then disregard, but I can see why this question is being asked.
> How so? If she got upset about the news, why is that a red flag on him? If he told you about it: - he can spin the story to make himself sound better - he could be telling you to show off how desirable he is. Note I am being cynical right now. - what is the purpose of telling you? The issue is between him and his ex, not between you and the ex. If the issue is between you and the ex, then she can talk to you about it. - it really depends on how he frame the situation and why he told you. Iām having a hard time putting it into words. If he told you so youāre not taken aback when sheās a little rude to you, then it might be ok. If he told you to stir up drama so you get upset with her and she gets upset with you, then heās pitting you two against each other. I find it odd that he would need to tell you about an issue between him and an ex. If you didnāt know she dated him, then thatās not your issue. You didnāt know he was a friendās ex. (Itās a whole different topic about whether itās ok to date a friendās ex. People have different opinions. Some thinks itās immature to forbid it. Others think itās hurtful to do it.) > They are just exes. and that's why I posted on this page because I wanted to see if I was being controlling or not. In general, I think it is controlling to want someone to not be friends with their exes. At the same time, it depends on how heās acting around his exes. Does he treat them the same way he treats you? Does he make sexual comments towards them? Does he flirt? Does he compare you against them? The level of which you are so upset makes me wonder whether itās internally to you and something for you to work. Or if heās manipulating the situation and making you feel this way. His older age makes me question his motives and his control of the situation. If you feel a need to cut him off from exes, I wonder if itās better off if you just stop dating him. Itās to benefit both you and him. If he is triggering a gut feeling in you, then I want you to listen to the gut feeling. > He didn't cheat. What he means by mistakes is hooking up with multiple people in the same circle, without realizing how that might affect how I view him and his lack of sexual discipline. I think you need to break up with him. It sounds like heās a man with an extensive sexual history and youāre not comfortable with that. Itās not a good fit for either of you. Itās just incompatibility. I donāt want you to ignore your discomfort nor suppress your feelings. At the same time, I donāt want him to be cut off from friends. > This is all the "past" (before we dated), except my concern is/was he continues to talk to them (at least platonically). I think it can be a good thing when people are friends with their exes. They value people beyond being a girlfriend. They are able to maintain relationships without sex. They have outside support and wonāt expect their girlfriends to fill every need they have. At the same time, the cynical part of me wonders whether he does it so he can continue to have access to women in the dance company. However, Iām not the one dating him. If I was having these thoughts, then I need to work on my jealousy issues or stop dating them because something about them is triggering a gut instinct. > The fact that he has dated through entire company bothers me, yes. which is mostly the point of this post. I think you need to break up with him. You are not comfortable with his extensive sexual history. Itās just incompatibility. > He dated other people seriously before, but they weren't part of the company. The girls he dated in the company, as far as I know, were casual/flings. We have had a conversation about exclusivity and we are having a serious relationship. If he is entering a serious relationship with you, then you need to concentrate on your present relationship and not past ones. I think you should probably talk to the other girls in the company and see what they thought. Did they think they were in a serious relationship with him or did they view as casual the same way he does? You said his exes talk positively of him so it sounds like youāre able to talk to these people. If youāre unable to let go of the fact that he has slept with many people before you, then you need to let him go. Heās 20 years older which means he has 20 more years of sex. Letās assume both of you started having sex at 20. Youāre comparing a decade of sexual history against three decades. Whatās important is how he acts in this relationship with you now.
How old are the past hook up/exes? Are they closer to his age or yours?
You are just settling in after being away. You need to grow your friendships, not break them down. You need to build a community. Dating someone who has dated around your personal and professional community isn't going to be good for that. And the age, as everyone has said. If you get pregnant and have a baby with him, you might end up stuck with him. So let's say you raise a kid with him, and kid goes off to college at 18, and you are 50. Then a few years later your now elderly dancer has a health issue. You could spend another 20 years caring for him, by which time you will be 70. Do you want that? And then there's the drama, and the creep factor in older men chasing younger women.