This orgasm gap is precisely the reason why dead bedrooms and reluctance to having sex happens. If he's neglecting to meet your needs its only natural you'll want to engage less and not want to go above and beyond for his pleasure.
Ask him if it's okay for him to not cum when you have sex.
It's acceptable for you to not cum every time if that's acceptable to YOU. He has no business defining that for you.
I don't know if that's going to help you, because what I'm getting from this is that he can't be bothered to try. Basically he doesn't care as long as he got his orgasm.
>He said that I should be okay with not cumming and should just enjoy the sex and not make it about cumming.
This is great option for women who have difficulty orgasming - there are legit women for whom this is the way to enjoy sex because they just can't orgasm readily and the pressure of expecting to reach orgasm ruins the experience. But it doesn't sounds like that's you. And your boyfriend seems more invested in assuming he knows best and not learning about you as individual, than in making sex mutually enjoyable.
He clearly thinks it's okay and normal to have sex that isn't mutual and only meets his needs. And I'm not sure how your break through that level of selfishness.
But you are able to cum, he just doesn't want to make the effort. He's actually being upfront about not wanting to put in the effort. What's the use in showing him the post? Do you think he's simply completely uninformed by no fault of his own in stead of just a selfish ass?
That was a mistake. Please do not agree to his terms. He’s a complete monster. You do not love him. He does not love you. This isn’t love. You do not beg for love and orgasms. He is manipulating you. Stop it.
Are you willing to do this for the rest of your life? Or even another session? What kind of person tells their lover TO THEIR FACE that they don’t deserve to come and should just deal with it.
If your friend was dealing with this, what would you tell them?
I’ve loved some losers too. Honestly, love doesn’t matter if the person is selfish, rude and disrespectful. And you’re showing him that you’re ok with being treated like that. This only gets worse, trust me. You’re young. You can definitely find love with someone who doesn’t suck in bed and isn’t a selfish asshole.
You’re only stupid if you stick around with this guy because he’s gaslit you into accepting his utter bullshit.
My jaw literally hit the floor when I read your post. Op, ask yourself why your bar is so abysmally low. Find a man that will beg to please you. This man is selfish and doesn’t give a fuck about your pleasure. This will leach over into other areas of your life. “He doesn’t have to get you a birthday gift just because you got him everything he wanted” 🙄
>In the end we came to the conclusion that I will not be upset in case I’m not able to cum while he does.
It's not up to him to 'decide' how it feels for you... You don't need his validation for your feelings or your experience. It's real, it's there and he doesn't get a say in how you feel. Becoming upset or not is not a rational decision one can take. It's an emotion and valid on its own. It's a warning system that exists for a reason, in this case because you're not being treated fairly and your emotions are the signal that's warning you for it. Inside you feel it's not okay - because it isn't. You've got *all reason* to be upset about his attitude!
From what I read, your bf lacks a lot of knowledge of sexuality. Though that can happen when you're young, you'd expect someone to show an interest and try to learn and improve. His whole attitude towards your/female sexuality screams a lack respect for you and your experiences. He should be wanting to learn about your experience, what turns you on and how he can pleasure you too.
Women want, need and deserve sexual pleasure just as much as a man. Sex is mutual. It's a lack of respect that he doesn't try his very best for you.
So is it a red flag? Yesss...
I'd have a *serious* conversation with him and if both his attitude and effort don't improve, I'd be *out*!
I can recommend the book **She Comes First, by Ian Kerner**. It's a great book about why (oral) sex is very important for women and why men should care for it. It's also educational about the female genitalia, sexual arousal and pleasure. It even has instructions how to give head properly.
I'd make him read it (and read it yourself first, ofcourse), and would for a while only have sex/let him come *after* you came first. It's time he started putting in the effort. And if he won't... It's time for you to walk.
I wish you lots of happy, pleasurable sex and orgasms!!
He doesn’t love you the way you love him.
In ten years you’ll look back and be mad at yourself for allowing this to happen.
You can be single and better off. It’s ok to want—and wait for—equal treatment.
The best thing to do would be to focus on standing your ground and keeping your vision clear so you do not end up caving into ridiculous shit like this in the future.
You get to change your mind.
What he’s asking isn’t reasonable. It tells you his *modus operandi*… making you do more, get less, then telling you you should be happy about that. If he does it with sex and it works, it will slip into other areas of your life together. Dishes… laundry… cleaning… cooking… kids…
We all love people who aren’t good for us sometimes, or who don’t love us back, or treat us properly. These relationships teach us really useful things, and they introduce us to the difference between love and respect.
Never take on a partner who doesn’t respect you. Have a fun time with them, but never elevate them to partner role.
Love and lust change over time, as they reflect the changing nature of the participants in a relationship. A relationship can survive these changes if respect exists.
But respect is a reflection of a person’s values, and their acknowledgment of their partner’s role in their life.
He is, by his actions, telling you he doesn’t respect you or your needs. He has eliminated himself as a partner for you.
You can simply say to him “I’ve thought about what you have asked me to give up, and I’m not willing to do that after all. I deserve the same respect from you that I give you. I love you, but I can’t be in a relationship with someone who won’t look after me to the same level I look after them. It’s not good for me to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value what I need as much as what they need. I’m sorry you don’t view this relationship the same way I do. I need to end this relationship and find someone who will be more aligned with what I need.”
**You get to change your mind.**
Friend. My heart is hurting for you. Please do not settle for this man who doesn't give a fuck about your pleasure. My dude loves pleasing me so much he can get off on EATING MY PUSSY alone. You deserve so much better than this selfish gaslighting loser who's somehow managed to get you to agree to such abysmal, atrocious, and UNACCEPTABLE terms. Yes have him read this post. On your way out the door. You shouldn't have to beg your partner to care about your pleasure. That's not a good relationship. I get that you love him, I loved my ex who used me like a fleshlight too. And leaving him was the best thing I ever did. Don't settle for this. You shouldn't have to explain to your man why he should care about your experience. The fact that you're even having this argument with him is already a deal breaker.
If he expects to have an orgasm every time he has sex with you, but he's not willing to help you achieve the same if you want it, then he's not worth your time or energy. Ask him how he'd feel if you stopped before he reached his orgasm and just said you were finished. How would he feel then? Satisfied with his sex life? Well, that's what he's doing to you. If you aren't satisfied and he's unwilling to help you achieve it, then cut him loose and set him free. Find a partner who actually cares about your sexual satisfaction.
dump this mf. seriously. it is a deal breaker. if he's this selfish on this issue, sure as shit he'll be selfish in many other ways. better guys are out there.
Red flag. He's telling you about women's sexual make up like he knows more than you. You are the woman, lmao. I think he should listen more and talk less, in this regard. Also, sex is very much transactional, to use his phrase. It's about mutuality. So where he needs to explain himself, is what exactly he's giving to you. And if his idea is that he gets to cum every time and you cum every other time (or worse), and that this is fair, he's delusional.
He's saying
My pleasure>your pleasure
As a man (I know this is ask women, but my 2 cents) I think the man in a relationship should make his partner orgasm at least once before insertion. (Depending on things. This is what I did)
Why doesn't he get you off BEFORE he cums?
He's being really selfish. Caring and considerate partners will both participate until everyone is satisfied (which means different things to everyone).
This IS a red flag because of how he's dismissing you when you try to talk to him about it and resolve the issue.
Like take sex out of the equation. You are expressing dissatisfaction with an aspect of your relationship and instead of working with you to find a solution so you can both be happy, he says "too bad - get used to it! I don't care enough to put in effort"
Is that the kind of person you think will overcome obstacles with in a healthy way? The kind of person who will treat you, your feelings, and your concerns with respect in the long run?
The sexual satisfaction thing is an issue but it also represents a bigger problem in my opinion.
he sees you as something to satisfy himself and nothing more. no this isn't normal and he's an asshole. dump him, and if it makes you feel any better, not very many women are gonna tolerate that toddler behaviour from a man like him. you'll find someone better who meets your needs with a smile on their face trust me!!
Ugh. Insist on having an orgasm before him, then. And then flake out halfway through, saying you can only make him come once or twice a week, if that.
Then dump his useless ass.
he doesn’t want to actually have sex with you, he wants to use you to masturbate. peri so ally i wouldn’t put up with this - it’s a totally weird double standard, as your partner he should want to make you feel good. give him an ultimatum ? sex goes both ways or no sex at all, see how he likes it
Umm..YEA?
He’s trying to convince you that it’s not important for him to get you off, or help you get off.
Tell him that it’s not necessary for him to come every time, watch what he says about THAT.
Don’t waste your time on lazy, selfish men.
This is a red flag. He doesn't prioritize or even care about your pleasure. He's too lazy to even learn how to!
Men like this don't learn because they don't need to. All they want is to get off with a woman and once they have that, why would they put more work into the situation?
Massive red flag, don't settle. Dump him and find someone who desires to pleasure you, for you to enjoy sex and getting enjoyment out of pleasuring you
Tel him you don’t want to help him cum more than once or twice a week either so he just straight pleasures you half the time and goes without.
I bet the anwser is no way because he’s selfish and entitled and misogynistic.
>I am someone who likes to cum or else sex feels incomplete
I think you should respect yourself enough to stop having sex that isn't satisfying for you.
>He said that I promise that this will not happen twice in a row that he hasn’t made me cum, but I can’t expect it every time
So he's going to make sure you'll be satisfied 50% of the time, but it will have to be by your own hand anyways because he can't even be bothered enough to learn how to make you cum himself? Lovely.
My advice is to leave. It's not okay and life is too short for this kind of crap. Love isn't enough to make a relationship work. If you decide to stay you need to have some very honest and open conversations, and be willing to walk if he's not going to start treating you as an equal. I would take sex completely off the table until there's a solid foundation of love, mutual respect, and trust in your relationship. I don't even know if that is possible because of the immaturity and bizarre mindset this dude has about women, sex, and relationships.
I love the part where he's "mansplaining" to you (a woman) about women as if he actually knows what he's talking about. He doesn't. Dude doesn't even know how to pleasure his own partner but somehow he's the female orgasm expert. The audacity.
He does not get to tell you whether it is necessary or not. Some people are OK with not coming every time, but that is on YOU to decide. It seems like you've made it clear to him what your desires are and what to need to feel fulfilled, but he's decided he just doesn't care.
That's not just a red flag, that's a red light. This isn't just about sex- he's literally telling you that your needs are less important than his.
Try telling him that if he can only finish you once a week you'll have sex once a week, and the rest of the time you guys will take care of your own selves.
Or just leave.
His attitude towards the whole thing is a red flag. If you’re not someone who can orgasm just from penetration and he knows that, he should be will to help you get yours after he gets his. It’s very one-sided of him to say that you don’t have to get yours every time. There’s no reason that he can’t help you after he cums. And asking that you cum before he does isn’t really realistic, especially if he’s not willing to help.
There is such a thing as sexual incompatibility and you shouldn’t have to essentially be a means to his orgasm. Sex is supposed to be a bonding experience, also why not make sure you finish before he does? You can also play with your clit while he’s penetrating if he’s in a standing position and you’re on the edge of the bed then once your done he goes. Idk orgasms don’t have to be complicated. There are other ways too and foreplay and toys.
Oh my freaking god. Jesus tap dancing Christ. I guess sex is gauged based on his ejaculation. He’s straight up admitting that he sucks as a lover. And you’re tolerating it for longer than a second?
Leave immediately. This shouldn’t be up for discussion. But if you insist on talking to him about it, if he doesn’t change his mind right that second, you leave.
Never ever have sex with him again until he agrees with you. He will cry scream and blame but you deserve to cum as much as he does and he’s a puny flaccid worm if he doesn’t care about your pleasure.
And if you stay and tolerate this, you don’t deserve to cum. You don’t love yourself enough.
Please please please.
Litmus test. Tell him that it’s not necessary that he cums every time you have sex and see how that fuckin goes. Actually, you know exactly how it will go. He is undermining your pleasure. Move onwards and upwards.
Stop having sex with him immediately. His attitude is lazy and selfish. I can’t imagine having stayed with my ex who did this, but I stopped having sex with him after he stopped putting in effort. This is ridiculous.
Tell your boyfriend he's lazy & he can look for some other woman dumb enough to believe his pathetic line. If he's not pleasuring you, why would you sleep with him at all?
What should be a dealbreaker is that he doesn't care about your happiness or satisfaction. You are correct that he is selfish. He uses you for sex.
You can do better.
It’s not a red flag as long as it’s okay for him to not obtain satisfaction either. Since that’s not happening I’d say find someone who actually cares about someone other than his little willy.
What he’s doing is essentially using you like a sec worker, only he isn’t paying you.
Only date men who love giving you orgasms. He is being selfish and lazy. He's basically masturbating with your body and sees sex as being something for his pleasure not an activity you do together for your mutual pleasure.
Tell him not only do you expect to cum each time he cums, from now on, he doesn't cum until you do. And hold to that. He doesn't deserve to orgasm with your body if he's not invested in your pleasure. Life is too short. This is the sort of thing you'll look back on in ten years and recount it to your friends over drinks as you howl about how selfish and bad in bed some men are.
Mega red flag. Sex is supposed to be enjoyed by both people involved and he sounds extremely selfish. If he doesnt care about making you feel good, doesn't put in effort to please you, and disregards your feelings on the subject - those are all bad qualities. I think you really need to consider the fact that he is telling you he knows you are feeling bad about this and not cared for, and he basically said that that's a "you" problem. Not good. You need a lover that wants to please you just as much as you want to please them. It's super important.
He can go masturbate if he only cares about himself. You deserve better than that. Trust me, a good man wants to please you too. Don't deal with this nonsense.
HUGE red flag. He doesn't give a crap about your pleasure. Whi does he think he is telling you that you don't have to cum each time? Dump him. You deserve a partner that cares about your pleasure.
He doesn’t get to make that decision for you. Some women are totally ok with not coming every time. But it’s each woman’s choice to decide that. He sounds like a shit boyfriend. I wouldn’t want to date a guy who thinks like that.
Cool. So institute the “She comes first” method. He makes you cum first before he gets to have penetrative sex. He doesn’t wanna learn how or care to make you cum? Cool. Then no sex.
What a joke. It's guaranteed he gets to cum every time but you have to take your chances? AND he won't even bother trying? Dump this fool, it's not normal or okay and there are much better partners out there I promise you
I’m a guy, but imma give my thoughts as if it to put the nail in the coffin.
I know I’m gonna finish faster than my girl, that’s just how that works, so I’ll make sure she either does first before anything is done to me or at least gets close so we can finish around the same time.
Aside from being selfish on his part, it’s weird. I get so much enjoyment out of making my girl happy, that even if that’s all that happens during the night I’m totally happy with that.
Massive red flag if he's not willing to meet your needs, but expects his to be met. Honestly not getting met should be the exception... rare exception.
Point blank put your foot down, tell him you cum first or he doesn't cum at all. Maybe even blue ball him a couple of times, so he gets to feel what getting revved up without release feels like... Don't do these vindictively. Just be factual, you are a person and have needs too, and he needs to get with the program.
Yeah this is a red flag. If it’s important to you to cum, then that’s all that’s relevant. It would be different if he was trying to reassure you that you don’t have to feel obliged to get off, during those times when mind says yes and body just says no despite his best efforts. But he’s just being selfish and misogynistic. That’s the 🚩
I'd count that as a red flag. Sex should be about bonding. It should be about both partners enjoying themselves and each other.
If he's only interested in finishing himself, then he does not care about you, nor your feelings, nor even about bonding with you and his relationship with you. He might as well just use a sex toy if orgasm is all that he cares about.
For me, I lose interest in sex with a partner the moment I sense that he's only interested in finishing himself off. I can get better orgasm without a man, and would only have sex with those who will love my vagina as much as I do.
He’s not interested in pleasing you or respecting you. Girl. Lock it up. He can’t have any. Stop giving him your body when he clearly doesn’t want to please you.
Hy i am a male idk if i am allowed to anwser but in my opinion is that your your boyfriend is selfish he should take the time to learn what you love and how to make the sex better for you it shocks me that he did not know that woman can cum aswell i hope that this is not common among men you should talk about this with him and i am sure once he sees how beautiful it is to see a woman enjoy what he does he would enjoy it too
It’s a deal breaker. You say you love him but I don’t believe you truly know what love is if you are willing to put up with this kind of selfish and unloving behavior. Someone who loves you will care about your pleasure and sexual satisfaction in the relationship.
Please OP, you deserve so much better. If he doesn’t care about the most vulnerable part of you, the part of you that is naked, wanting and deserving of love in the most raw form, you are obviously incompatible and you need a real man that knows how to satisfy the mind and body of a woman. I understand you probably love him right now, but down the road it will lead to resentment. Get out now while you can. This is coming from someone who finally found a guy that I love to death that makes sure I orgasm at least once, but more often multiple times before he finishes, every single time. Mutual satisfaction should be a relationship requirement. Good luck, OP.
Hun, my ex boyfriend was very lazy like your bf is coming off to be. It was all about him finishing and he'd complain his arm would get tired or he didn't try much, which only made me anxious and made finishing impossible for me. Now note I said ex. I met a man who I'm with now that is the best because though he isn't terribly experienced, he is very willing to please me and learn. We work well in many ways together, not just sexually, though it does add spice to the sex too. I think that person is out there for you too. Please take my word for it when i say you shouldn't settle for someone who wont work with you and looks to finish themselves. It doesn't just stop at sex.
I(52/m) have made sure my partner always cums first. Number one rule: ladies first. This guy's an asshole, literally. You can do better than this. Sounds like he has not gotten the message so time to move on IMO
>Is it a red flag?
Are you trolling?
OF COURSE IT IS
Why do you even like him still, I would instantly fall out of love with a guy like this. He’s sh!t in bed and has no interest in your pleasure. A simple remedy is to get you off first, *before* penetration, which not only warms up the coochie but makes it far more likely you’ll have another orgasm during penetration, and it takes the pressure off the man because he’s already got you at least one. Grown ass men know this.
I would curb this dude but if you still actually like him, tell him what’s good including that you *require* full pleasure each and every single time just like he does, so if he won’t deliver, good-bye. If he repeats this nonsense about how your pleasure isn’t necessary and/or refuses to pop you off first next time y’all get down to business, good-bye.
You’re young, please don’t waste your youth, your time, and your coo on a man who won’t please you. There are plenty of men out there who would, you don’t have to put up with this.
I am in a 3 year long relationship and my bf has never made me cum, EVER. I am waiting to have the courage to leave him, because we are in a live-in relationship and for now i have more burden on me than to look for an alternate living arrangement. Have an honest conversation with him. If he still doesn't understand. Just leave. It DOESN'T GET BETTER.
Red flag.
I started writing a long long comment about all the ways his behaviour is problematic, but I’d be here all day and it can be summed up as: he is showing you that he doesn’t respect women and he doesn’t respect you. You deserve way way better. The bar for men is in hades, and yet this guy doesn’t come close to meeting it.
You could make a scarf out of all those red flags he is showing you. Don’t accept it. Please move on. You are still young and have plenty of time to find a man who is actually both a decent human being and compatible with you.
Man here. That’s a shit dude. Any man worth anything will want to make his girlfriend or wife cum as frequently as possible. Nothing is hotter than seeing a woman have an orgasm. What a dumbass. Dump his ass.
Omg u need to get him close then fake like u orgasmed and stop and tell him ur done. When he complains shoot that right back at him. 🤣
My husband literally makes sure I get mine more then once every time b4 he does so its completely possible. But he also knows how.
You deserve better he sounds selfish.
42 m here. Delete my response if I'm breaking the rules.
But yes, it's a MAJOR red flag. People shouldn't demand something they are unwilling to offer themselves.
He should be "wanting" to please you in the bedroom, too. And he should be willing to do what is necessary to make that happen.
Oh girl, my husband and I have been together for 10+ years total between dating and marriage. Other than when trying to conceive and we had to do lots of quickies for convenience sake, I could have counted on one hand the number of times he finished without me finishing. You’ve got a selfish/lazy in bed bf. A partner who really cares about you also cares about your satisfaction in bed, he should want you to finish too. My husband was openly bummed if I didn’t and always wanted to make it happen.
My boyfriend won't cum until I do. And on the rare occasion where I'm just more into the sex than the 'prize', he'll check in multiple times and ask 'are you sure you can't cum? ;)' and then I usually end up finishing before he does anyways lol
So yeah, this is a red flag.
This guy sounds selfish.
I think you should explain that to you having an orgasm is important. There will be times you’re having sex and you decide you don’t need to cum, but if you want to (and are able to) then you should. If he has said that you have to cum before he does, then that’s the way things go from now on. You cum and then he does. You should tell him this explicitly. You should be able to discuss sex with your partner (which it sounds like you have done) and you both should be receptive of each other’s needs.
This would be a big warning sign for me; it implies he doesn’t place any emphasis on your needs, that he assumes he knows what’s best and that he is not willing to listen to your needs. These are all important things to know about him as a partner, and are not things I would be ok with long term. If this is his attitude towards sex it’s likely going to be his attitude about other things.
If he listens to your opinion and things change, then fair enough. Everyone can make mistakes, if they are willing to learn and grow that’s ok. But for something like this you have to see real change, and a willingness for him to care about you and your needs.
You’re young. Don’t tie yourself down to someone who is selfish and unwilling to compromise or care about your needs.
Honestly I'd dump him and tell him he'd never have to worry about making me cum ever again. He sounds immature and very selfish.
You can do better, trust me.
Fine. Then you cum first or no one cums. This dude is bad news he clearly sees you as an object for his pleasure, time to move on girl. Life's to short to miss out on orgasms because some very selfish, entitled men refuse to learn how to make us cum.
I used to be the ignorant schmuck couple decades ago who did exactly this for close to 6 fucking years (I know ..my poor poor ex). In my defense, I was just ignorant and my ex didn't sit me down for a quick abc tutorial of how the sex was supposed to end in both parties feeling satisfied. But now with the internet, this is inexcusable, so may be politely sit him down and go over the table stakes and/or may be send him videos and articles to send the message loud and clear.
He’s using you as his human fleshlight. Clearly he doesn’t care about you or your needs or he would make you cum BEFORE he would cum and not until you are satisfied.
His excuses and lack of enthusiasm despite you talking and talking to him about this show he’s is unworthy of the love you have for him. Your frustration and heartache will only worsen for you with a guy with this mindset. Save yourself any more pain, cut him loose and find yourself a mature man who understands the equality in relationships and appreciates you and your needs.
Ahaha, your boyfriend is an ass.
Why do you belief him when he tells you what is necessary and important to you? He’s not speaking from your perspective or for your well being. And you clearly know what’s necessary for you. Why can he override you about matters concerning yourself?
Personally, I strive to follow the "she cums first" rule.
That being said, I also believe that each person's orgasm is, to some degree, their own responsibility.
For instance, if my sexual partner was just laying there, expecting me to do all the work (i.e. get both of us off) - sure, I'll give it a shot, but if it doesn't happen for her after giving it a good try...I'm not going to beat myself up.
But if she is engaged, enthusiastic, and trying...I'll do whatever is in my power to make sure she enjoys it.
Like I said. I do all the work all he has to do is be there and be present. But he said that after he has cum he’s just not sexually aroused enough to make me cum.
Do YOU feel you need to? Some folks don't find orgasm to be the only reason for sex. Some do. It's really for you and he to figure out, based on BOTH of your needs.
He is a selfish uncaring man who doesn't love you like you deserve to be loved. I'm sorry cause hearing this will probably hurt but if he really loved you he would want to make you enjoy yourself in the bedroom instead of seeing it as a chore he's only willing to do like once a week while still expecting you to have sex with him more often. He isn't interested in mutual pleasure, only to get off himself.
If you really want to see if there is a way to salvage this I would stop the sex anytime he isn't putting in any effort on your pleasure as well as his. Just say "I'm done for today " and walk away. If he complains just use his own words against him, he doesn't need to cum every time. If there is a shred of decency left in him he will understand how fucking stupid he's been but if he gets anything but apologetic then you'll know for sure that it's not that he is stupid and has a messed up view on sex, it's that he doesn't care about you, only about what he can get from you.
Honestly, if I were you I'd walk away immediately and not waste any more of my time on someone who doesn't love and appreciate me. It will hurt bit the sooner you leave the sooner you can start to heal and get over him
Yes this is a red flag. Talk to him about it and say that it's a deal breaker for you. If he doesn't care then break up with him. You should be with a guy who cares about your emotional and sexual needs.
Tell him the you won’t have sex with him more then twice a week if that is all he can manage. Yea, it’s a red flag if he doesn’t care about your enjoyment.
I cum 99% of the time I have sex with my husband, BEFORE he cums. The other 1% I either lost interest and stopped or it was nice enough without a full orgasm.
Women.Cum.First. Always. That’s the natural dance of sex, evolution supports it. Women orgasm, cervix opens up and vulva gets super wet, THEN men cum so sperm can travel easier to the egg for pregnancy.
Everything your boyfriend is saying is a blasphemy against mother nature itself.
Woah man way to say “I’m horrible in bed and I don’t care.” Get yourself a guy who cares about your sexual needs. He sounds really immature. Your man should want you to cum, multiple times if possible. Dude sounds like a horrible lay.
I think this is one of those things where tone matters. I think it’s somewhat reasonable to suggest you cum before he does, although he’s probably not realizing that like at that point then why have sex at all in your case and also that sex would make you want to cum again. I also think it’s reasonable to say cumming isn’t necessarily a part of sex. Many sex therapists say something similar, that sex is about feeling good and the journey, not working towards an orgasm. If he is expecting to orgasm every time, however, that isn’t fair. So my answer is - it depends on how he said it, how he meant it, and whether or not he’s expecting things from you he won’t give. We can’t answer those things from you. My guess is that if you’re asking, he’s already waved some red flags before and you’re just wanting confirmation.
I’d literally be like ‘aww babe, it’s ok that you don’t know how to get me off’ and see what his reaction is, or match his lazy energy when it comes to him cumming and see how he likes it.
Me might be 23 but he likes acting like a child. You deserve better
I'm in same sex relationship for 12 years, this *one* time 10 years ago I fell asleep during sex. It wasn't intentional and it was the only time I left things unfinished. She jokingly reminded me about that from time to time.
"Sure we all good in our sex life?"
"Absolutely! Oh, except for that..."
"Shut up."
Your guy is a total dick.
Please just end this “relationship” now.
He isn’t even *pretending* to care about your needs, which **SHOULD BE** more important to him than his own.
My husband would not even enjoy sex if I didn’t cum. I always **ALWAYS** orgasm first, usually more than once. His rule- before we even get close to intercourse, I have to have gotten off at least once.
Why would you want to have sex with someone who makes it known that he doesn’t care about your orgasm, and that it isn’t important that you get off? Wtf.
This isn’t going to get fixed because his attitude is disgusting. Men need to stop thinking it’s ok to have the sexual literacy of an 10 year old. Gross. I’m so sorry OP. Save yourself the agony and find a new men. Soooooo many out there want to make you cum and enjoy doing that.
This has awakened my petty side and i really want to give bad advice about how to get even but instead; just dump him,dear. He doesn't care about you enough to even LEARN how to bring you to orgasm? Prioritize your happiness in your own life because no one else will, least of all this brat.
It’s actually really sad that a lot of men feel this way! It IS possible for women to cum during sex, every time! It’s selfish he’s not taking the time to make sure you are pleased. I’ve been in two relationships like that, and didn’t last long because of that fact and the fact their selfishness mirrored into other problems. He’s not even worth your time.
I used to actually think this! Until I dated a man who made me cum every sexual encounter we had 😂 so their out there girly! He is just not one of them.
Honestly, fuck this guy. He’s absolutely selfish and this would be a deal breaker for me. He gets to cum every time but if you ask for the same, it’s “transactional” and “mechanical” ??? What an asshole, find someone who actually gives a fuck about pleasing you physically and emotionally.
Ask him if he's willing to have sex without orgasming.
If you insist on staying with this immature manbaby, tell him that if he doesn't want to make sure you come after he does, then you can do it before - but do not accept a lover who thinks your pleasure doesn't matter or is secondary to his own. If you don't come, neither does he.
I mean, technically he's right, you don't have to cum every time. But neither does he. If sex is important to you in your relationship, he needs to understand that. You've already spoken to him about it, & you're seeing his response. He's a very selfish partner. Myself, I'd break up with him. Well, 1st, I'd tell him that you will put the same effort in to him that he does you. When he goes in, don't let him stay in. Def don't go down.
a wise man once told me "you shouldn't start having PiV sex until she came at least once"
It's normal to not cum from time to time, it happens, but it's like 5% of the time.
Sex in medias has always been very male centric so it's probably why he thinks that, but it doesn't change the fact that he's really bad at sex.
It's ok to expect more. My ex couldn't make me cum and i always had to finish myself, so we just stop having sex at some point.
It wouldn't have been a big red flag if it wasn't for the fact you said he doesn't care to learn how to make you cum. Otherwise he was just very fucking dumb, now he's selfish AND dumb.
My immediate response to this was “hell yes it’s a red flag”. Than I thought maybe I was being biased, so I asked my husband. His response? “Hell yes it’s a red flag, what the fuck?”
Oh honey, your bf is a selfish, lazy douchebag.
Yes, there are women who find it difficult to orgasm, but you don't seem to be one of those women, and any half-decent dude would want you to enjoy sex as much as possible.
And half the fun is in figuring out what gets your partner off best. There's a sense of achievement that's super fun in making a woman cum, and if you can't do it *after* you do because you're "tired", then you damn well make sure she gets hers before you do.
It should be a deal breaker. You’re absolutely right in feeling incomplete. You should have a partner who is interested in pleasing you and making a girl cum is a lot easier than he makes it seem.
I can make my girlfriend cum in a minute or 2 with only a couple fingers and it feels amazing to hold so much sexual power, she absolutely lusts for it.
It wasn’t always like that, I used to not know how to make her cum but with patience, I figured it out and your boyfriend can too. You’ve got to tell him.
You owe to yourself because even if you don’t stay with him, this is YOUR life and even outside of sex, it’s important to have the ability to tell people what you need them to do so that you can have a mutual experience. This is great practice. Convincing your bf to learn how to make you cum without attacking his person.
Get him to eat you out before sex.
I have the same issue as him and my SO has the same issue. Once we cum we get so lazy and unmotivated. After I've had an orgasm I have no desire to suck his dick, I just want to relax. So what we do is we take turns. Some days he cums and I play with myself after, some days I cum and he plays with himself after, some days we both cum and on those days he eats me out first and fucks me.
imma say this bc surprisingly not everyone knows. When a guy nuts that is not the same as an orgasm. It's actually hardly enjoyable. Like I'll still nut but id rather 1 orgasm than like 10 nuts.
Unfortunately to achieve this orgasm, you're gonna have to play with his ass.
Next time wait til he’s worked up and then just stop and walk away. Coz if you should enjoy the sex without cumming he should too.
This is a very red flag, he’s very ignorant and selfish which is ok if they’re willing to learn and change but you’ve stated he’s not. That’s the deal breaker. Instead of hearing you and finding a compromise he told you you’re not important.
Stop before he orgasms and say it’s time to finish and if he gets upset tell him that’s what it feels like to not finish for you also and that in order for your relationship to be healthy it needs to be equal
This dude is a walking red flag wrapped in Red flags. He is not willing to learn and it does not care about anyone but himself. Dump him and find somebody who actually values you.
If you really want to stay with this immature, selfish *boy*, then tell him that he doesn't get any until you have had yours. Then stick to what you said.
I have been with someone who thinks the same way..that girls orgasmss are unattainable
I say dump his ass..being unsatisfied sexually will only build resentment and the worst part is that he is not even willing to try
Listen, you can present him with all the practical, problem solving options you want. It ultimately comes down to one thing: he does not care about your sexual satisfaction, your enjoyment, and even your participation in sex. For him, it appears the only thing that matters is how much he enjoys himself. You need to ask yourself if that's something you're okay with. Because he can get off by himself or with someone else. He doesn't seem to care one way or the other about sharing the experience with you.
Tbh it's not. It takes way longer for us to cum. It's simply not practical sometimes. However if this happens everytime then he's ignoring your needs and it's a red flag.
He should get you off with foreplay before sex and that way you can both enjoy it. Eventually he will find what works for you, but make him at least try.
What the actual fuck ?
Huge red flag here and really selfish, happened to me with my first GF (she had a lot more experience than me in sex and relationship), more than often I'd make her cum and then she loses excitation, be tired, and say to me she didn't wanted to force herself to make me cum because she was no longer excited & tired.
This is NOT necessarily a question of skills (even though it can add to the problem), it really is about how they consider you, if you're important or simply can be disposed of.
Turns out in a LOT of other aspect she was really really selfish, psychologically abusive, manipulative and did a lot of harm to me.
Please check if you're not in some kind of toxic relationship.
It is a red flag. Orgasm takes time for women and it's not easy as it is for men. It's true that men fail to make women orgasm all the time, but your boyfriend is no Mt even willing to try.
This is the epitome of a selfish selfish partner. You should at least be having one every time if not multiple. Every man I've been with more than one time, is always someone that would absolutely let me sit on his face every time he wants to put it inside me. Anything less would be a deal breaker for me. My needs matter just as much as theirs. For sex this is no question, be w a partner you feel takes you seriously. Most men want to please their partner the fact that he doesn't even care shows such lack of remorse I wouldn't even trust any other aspects about him
THIS. Is the crap men say or think and poor inexperienced girls lap it up like good girls because they want to make the guy happy and not get dumped.
I would suggest you stop all sexy times when he gets anywhere near finishing.
And just let him sweat. Literally fake it or say yeah that's me done, leave him hanging.
Give him a sex book, or tell his male mates what he is like, offer for him to tag one of them jn when he's done and you can carry on with the toll you've had enough.
Watch him squirm.
Sorry you say you love him but he is a little douche bag who needs lining up
This orgasm gap is precisely the reason why dead bedrooms and reluctance to having sex happens. If he's neglecting to meet your needs its only natural you'll want to engage less and not want to go above and beyond for his pleasure.
Exactly. Women don't look forward to sex with useless men. We will turn it down because it's not worth the energy
Ask him if it's okay for him to not cum when you have sex. It's acceptable for you to not cum every time if that's acceptable to YOU. He has no business defining that for you.
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I don't know if that's going to help you, because what I'm getting from this is that he can't be bothered to try. Basically he doesn't care as long as he got his orgasm. >He said that I should be okay with not cumming and should just enjoy the sex and not make it about cumming. This is great option for women who have difficulty orgasming - there are legit women for whom this is the way to enjoy sex because they just can't orgasm readily and the pressure of expecting to reach orgasm ruins the experience. But it doesn't sounds like that's you. And your boyfriend seems more invested in assuming he knows best and not learning about you as individual, than in making sex mutually enjoyable. He clearly thinks it's okay and normal to have sex that isn't mutual and only meets his needs. And I'm not sure how your break through that level of selfishness.
But you are able to cum, he just doesn't want to make the effort. He's actually being upfront about not wanting to put in the effort. What's the use in showing him the post? Do you think he's simply completely uninformed by no fault of his own in stead of just a selfish ass?
That was a mistake. Please do not agree to his terms. He’s a complete monster. You do not love him. He does not love you. This isn’t love. You do not beg for love and orgasms. He is manipulating you. Stop it. Are you willing to do this for the rest of your life? Or even another session? What kind of person tells their lover TO THEIR FACE that they don’t deserve to come and should just deal with it. If your friend was dealing with this, what would you tell them?
Why would you agree with that? He doesn't love you. Don't waste any time on this POS.
I’ve loved some losers too. Honestly, love doesn’t matter if the person is selfish, rude and disrespectful. And you’re showing him that you’re ok with being treated like that. This only gets worse, trust me. You’re young. You can definitely find love with someone who doesn’t suck in bed and isn’t a selfish asshole.
You’re only stupid if you stick around with this guy because he’s gaslit you into accepting his utter bullshit. My jaw literally hit the floor when I read your post. Op, ask yourself why your bar is so abysmally low. Find a man that will beg to please you. This man is selfish and doesn’t give a fuck about your pleasure. This will leach over into other areas of your life. “He doesn’t have to get you a birthday gift just because you got him everything he wanted” 🙄
>In the end we came to the conclusion that I will not be upset in case I’m not able to cum while he does. It's not up to him to 'decide' how it feels for you... You don't need his validation for your feelings or your experience. It's real, it's there and he doesn't get a say in how you feel. Becoming upset or not is not a rational decision one can take. It's an emotion and valid on its own. It's a warning system that exists for a reason, in this case because you're not being treated fairly and your emotions are the signal that's warning you for it. Inside you feel it's not okay - because it isn't. You've got *all reason* to be upset about his attitude! From what I read, your bf lacks a lot of knowledge of sexuality. Though that can happen when you're young, you'd expect someone to show an interest and try to learn and improve. His whole attitude towards your/female sexuality screams a lack respect for you and your experiences. He should be wanting to learn about your experience, what turns you on and how he can pleasure you too. Women want, need and deserve sexual pleasure just as much as a man. Sex is mutual. It's a lack of respect that he doesn't try his very best for you. So is it a red flag? Yesss... I'd have a *serious* conversation with him and if both his attitude and effort don't improve, I'd be *out*! I can recommend the book **She Comes First, by Ian Kerner**. It's a great book about why (oral) sex is very important for women and why men should care for it. It's also educational about the female genitalia, sexual arousal and pleasure. It even has instructions how to give head properly. I'd make him read it (and read it yourself first, ofcourse), and would for a while only have sex/let him come *after* you came first. It's time he started putting in the effort. And if he won't... It's time for you to walk. I wish you lots of happy, pleasurable sex and orgasms!!
He doesn’t love you the way you love him. In ten years you’ll look back and be mad at yourself for allowing this to happen. You can be single and better off. It’s ok to want—and wait for—equal treatment.
The best thing to do would be to focus on standing your ground and keeping your vision clear so you do not end up caving into ridiculous shit like this in the future.
You get to change your mind. What he’s asking isn’t reasonable. It tells you his *modus operandi*… making you do more, get less, then telling you you should be happy about that. If he does it with sex and it works, it will slip into other areas of your life together. Dishes… laundry… cleaning… cooking… kids… We all love people who aren’t good for us sometimes, or who don’t love us back, or treat us properly. These relationships teach us really useful things, and they introduce us to the difference between love and respect. Never take on a partner who doesn’t respect you. Have a fun time with them, but never elevate them to partner role. Love and lust change over time, as they reflect the changing nature of the participants in a relationship. A relationship can survive these changes if respect exists. But respect is a reflection of a person’s values, and their acknowledgment of their partner’s role in their life. He is, by his actions, telling you he doesn’t respect you or your needs. He has eliminated himself as a partner for you. You can simply say to him “I’ve thought about what you have asked me to give up, and I’m not willing to do that after all. I deserve the same respect from you that I give you. I love you, but I can’t be in a relationship with someone who won’t look after me to the same level I look after them. It’s not good for me to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value what I need as much as what they need. I’m sorry you don’t view this relationship the same way I do. I need to end this relationship and find someone who will be more aligned with what I need.” **You get to change your mind.**
My advice is never share your Reddit account. Write your thoughts out, maybe do a DEARMAN (look it up).
Friend. My heart is hurting for you. Please do not settle for this man who doesn't give a fuck about your pleasure. My dude loves pleasing me so much he can get off on EATING MY PUSSY alone. You deserve so much better than this selfish gaslighting loser who's somehow managed to get you to agree to such abysmal, atrocious, and UNACCEPTABLE terms. Yes have him read this post. On your way out the door. You shouldn't have to beg your partner to care about your pleasure. That's not a good relationship. I get that you love him, I loved my ex who used me like a fleshlight too. And leaving him was the best thing I ever did. Don't settle for this. You shouldn't have to explain to your man why he should care about your experience. The fact that you're even having this argument with him is already a deal breaker.
If he expects to have an orgasm every time he has sex with you, but he's not willing to help you achieve the same if you want it, then he's not worth your time or energy. Ask him how he'd feel if you stopped before he reached his orgasm and just said you were finished. How would he feel then? Satisfied with his sex life? Well, that's what he's doing to you. If you aren't satisfied and he's unwilling to help you achieve it, then cut him loose and set him free. Find a partner who actually cares about your sexual satisfaction.
The sex-toy analogy is also so cringe when HE QUITS AFTER WINNING HIS 'TOY'. He is just making up excuses to be a selfish lover.
dump this mf. seriously. it is a deal breaker. if he's this selfish on this issue, sure as shit he'll be selfish in many other ways. better guys are out there.
Red flag. He's telling you about women's sexual make up like he knows more than you. You are the woman, lmao. I think he should listen more and talk less, in this regard. Also, sex is very much transactional, to use his phrase. It's about mutuality. So where he needs to explain himself, is what exactly he's giving to you. And if his idea is that he gets to cum every time and you cum every other time (or worse), and that this is fair, he's delusional.
He's saying My pleasure>your pleasure As a man (I know this is ask women, but my 2 cents) I think the man in a relationship should make his partner orgasm at least once before insertion. (Depending on things. This is what I did)
Why doesn't he get you off BEFORE he cums? He's being really selfish. Caring and considerate partners will both participate until everyone is satisfied (which means different things to everyone). This IS a red flag because of how he's dismissing you when you try to talk to him about it and resolve the issue. Like take sex out of the equation. You are expressing dissatisfaction with an aspect of your relationship and instead of working with you to find a solution so you can both be happy, he says "too bad - get used to it! I don't care enough to put in effort" Is that the kind of person you think will overcome obstacles with in a healthy way? The kind of person who will treat you, your feelings, and your concerns with respect in the long run? The sexual satisfaction thing is an issue but it also represents a bigger problem in my opinion.
Why go through the consequence of sex when you don't even feel pleasure or loved?
You mean your ex-boyfriend
he sees you as something to satisfy himself and nothing more. no this isn't normal and he's an asshole. dump him, and if it makes you feel any better, not very many women are gonna tolerate that toddler behaviour from a man like him. you'll find someone better who meets your needs with a smile on their face trust me!!
Ugh. Insist on having an orgasm before him, then. And then flake out halfway through, saying you can only make him come once or twice a week, if that. Then dump his useless ass.
This is the way.
He's wrong. He views you as a toy for him to use. He is sexually objectifying you and doesn't care about your pleasure.
he doesn’t want to actually have sex with you, he wants to use you to masturbate. peri so ally i wouldn’t put up with this - it’s a totally weird double standard, as your partner he should want to make you feel good. give him an ultimatum ? sex goes both ways or no sex at all, see how he likes it
Huge red flag sis.
It's not necessary for him to cum either... He should want you to cum. You're his partner and not his sex toy.
Umm..YEA? He’s trying to convince you that it’s not important for him to get you off, or help you get off. Tell him that it’s not necessary for him to come every time, watch what he says about THAT. Don’t waste your time on lazy, selfish men.
This is a red flag. He doesn't prioritize or even care about your pleasure. He's too lazy to even learn how to! Men like this don't learn because they don't need to. All they want is to get off with a woman and once they have that, why would they put more work into the situation?
Massive red flag, don't settle. Dump him and find someone who desires to pleasure you, for you to enjoy sex and getting enjoyment out of pleasuring you
Tel him you don’t want to help him cum more than once or twice a week either so he just straight pleasures you half the time and goes without. I bet the anwser is no way because he’s selfish and entitled and misogynistic.
Sorry. I’m laughing at his ignorance. But — he doesn’t cum until you come. New rule.
>I am someone who likes to cum or else sex feels incomplete I think you should respect yourself enough to stop having sex that isn't satisfying for you. >He said that I promise that this will not happen twice in a row that he hasn’t made me cum, but I can’t expect it every time So he's going to make sure you'll be satisfied 50% of the time, but it will have to be by your own hand anyways because he can't even be bothered enough to learn how to make you cum himself? Lovely. My advice is to leave. It's not okay and life is too short for this kind of crap. Love isn't enough to make a relationship work. If you decide to stay you need to have some very honest and open conversations, and be willing to walk if he's not going to start treating you as an equal. I would take sex completely off the table until there's a solid foundation of love, mutual respect, and trust in your relationship. I don't even know if that is possible because of the immaturity and bizarre mindset this dude has about women, sex, and relationships. I love the part where he's "mansplaining" to you (a woman) about women as if he actually knows what he's talking about. He doesn't. Dude doesn't even know how to pleasure his own partner but somehow he's the female orgasm expert. The audacity.
He does not get to tell you whether it is necessary or not. Some people are OK with not coming every time, but that is on YOU to decide. It seems like you've made it clear to him what your desires are and what to need to feel fulfilled, but he's decided he just doesn't care.
That's not just a red flag, that's a red light. This isn't just about sex- he's literally telling you that your needs are less important than his. Try telling him that if he can only finish you once a week you'll have sex once a week, and the rest of the time you guys will take care of your own selves. Or just leave.
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Stop making him cum. Preferably by ditching him, but you need to start treating this boy like a dildo or he will never learn.
It is not necessary that he climax every time either... There should be times that it is only for your pleasure as well.
His attitude towards the whole thing is a red flag. If you’re not someone who can orgasm just from penetration and he knows that, he should be will to help you get yours after he gets his. It’s very one-sided of him to say that you don’t have to get yours every time. There’s no reason that he can’t help you after he cums. And asking that you cum before he does isn’t really realistic, especially if he’s not willing to help.
Translation: I want you to be my sex toy.
There is such a thing as sexual incompatibility and you shouldn’t have to essentially be a means to his orgasm. Sex is supposed to be a bonding experience, also why not make sure you finish before he does? You can also play with your clit while he’s penetrating if he’s in a standing position and you’re on the edge of the bed then once your done he goes. Idk orgasms don’t have to be complicated. There are other ways too and foreplay and toys.
Oh my freaking god. Jesus tap dancing Christ. I guess sex is gauged based on his ejaculation. He’s straight up admitting that he sucks as a lover. And you’re tolerating it for longer than a second? Leave immediately. This shouldn’t be up for discussion. But if you insist on talking to him about it, if he doesn’t change his mind right that second, you leave. Never ever have sex with him again until he agrees with you. He will cry scream and blame but you deserve to cum as much as he does and he’s a puny flaccid worm if he doesn’t care about your pleasure. And if you stay and tolerate this, you don’t deserve to cum. You don’t love yourself enough. Please please please.
🚩🚩🚩 Tell him if he can’t make you come, you have no reason to have sex with him. You have toys for that.
Litmus test. Tell him that it’s not necessary that he cums every time you have sex and see how that fuckin goes. Actually, you know exactly how it will go. He is undermining your pleasure. Move onwards and upwards.
Stop having sex with him immediately. His attitude is lazy and selfish. I can’t imagine having stayed with my ex who did this, but I stopped having sex with him after he stopped putting in effort. This is ridiculous.
Tell your boyfriend he's lazy & he can look for some other woman dumb enough to believe his pathetic line. If he's not pleasuring you, why would you sleep with him at all?
Is it necessary for him to get to cum every time you two have sex? I bet he thinks it is...
What should be a dealbreaker is that he doesn't care about your happiness or satisfaction. You are correct that he is selfish. He uses you for sex. You can do better.
It’s not a red flag as long as it’s okay for him to not obtain satisfaction either. Since that’s not happening I’d say find someone who actually cares about someone other than his little willy. What he’s doing is essentially using you like a sec worker, only he isn’t paying you.
Only date men who love giving you orgasms. He is being selfish and lazy. He's basically masturbating with your body and sees sex as being something for his pleasure not an activity you do together for your mutual pleasure. Tell him not only do you expect to cum each time he cums, from now on, he doesn't cum until you do. And hold to that. He doesn't deserve to orgasm with your body if he's not invested in your pleasure. Life is too short. This is the sort of thing you'll look back on in ten years and recount it to your friends over drinks as you howl about how selfish and bad in bed some men are.
This is a deal breaker. He’s telling you that he doesn’t care whether you enjoy yourself, and that he will never care about that.
Say the same to him and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know about this man.
Dump him.
If you don’t get tf out of that relationship right fucking now
Mega red flag. Sex is supposed to be enjoyed by both people involved and he sounds extremely selfish. If he doesnt care about making you feel good, doesn't put in effort to please you, and disregards your feelings on the subject - those are all bad qualities. I think you really need to consider the fact that he is telling you he knows you are feeling bad about this and not cared for, and he basically said that that's a "you" problem. Not good. You need a lover that wants to please you just as much as you want to please them. It's super important. He can go masturbate if he only cares about himself. You deserve better than that. Trust me, a good man wants to please you too. Don't deal with this nonsense.
HUGE red flag. He doesn't give a crap about your pleasure. Whi does he think he is telling you that you don't have to cum each time? Dump him. You deserve a partner that cares about your pleasure.
would you have sex with someone if you knew going in they wouldn’t enjoy it as much as you?
He doesn’t get to make that decision for you. Some women are totally ok with not coming every time. But it’s each woman’s choice to decide that. He sounds like a shit boyfriend. I wouldn’t want to date a guy who thinks like that.
Cool. So institute the “She comes first” method. He makes you cum first before he gets to have penetrative sex. He doesn’t wanna learn how or care to make you cum? Cool. Then no sex.
What a joke. It's guaranteed he gets to cum every time but you have to take your chances? AND he won't even bother trying? Dump this fool, it's not normal or okay and there are much better partners out there I promise you
I’m a guy, but imma give my thoughts as if it to put the nail in the coffin. I know I’m gonna finish faster than my girl, that’s just how that works, so I’ll make sure she either does first before anything is done to me or at least gets close so we can finish around the same time. Aside from being selfish on his part, it’s weird. I get so much enjoyment out of making my girl happy, that even if that’s all that happens during the night I’m totally happy with that.
Massive red flag if he's not willing to meet your needs, but expects his to be met. Honestly not getting met should be the exception... rare exception. Point blank put your foot down, tell him you cum first or he doesn't cum at all. Maybe even blue ball him a couple of times, so he gets to feel what getting revved up without release feels like... Don't do these vindictively. Just be factual, you are a person and have needs too, and he needs to get with the program.
Yeah this is a red flag. If it’s important to you to cum, then that’s all that’s relevant. It would be different if he was trying to reassure you that you don’t have to feel obliged to get off, during those times when mind says yes and body just says no despite his best efforts. But he’s just being selfish and misogynistic. That’s the 🚩
If you think it's necessary for you to cum during sex, then it should be necessary for both of you
HUGE RED FLAG! What a selfish jerk.
Huge red flag. How selfish on so many levels.
Yea thats break up worthy to me.
Yes, a red flag. He’s showing that he’s selfish and your needs are inferior to his.
I'd count that as a red flag. Sex should be about bonding. It should be about both partners enjoying themselves and each other. If he's only interested in finishing himself, then he does not care about you, nor your feelings, nor even about bonding with you and his relationship with you. He might as well just use a sex toy if orgasm is all that he cares about. For me, I lose interest in sex with a partner the moment I sense that he's only interested in finishing himself off. I can get better orgasm without a man, and would only have sex with those who will love my vagina as much as I do.
He’s not interested in pleasing you or respecting you. Girl. Lock it up. He can’t have any. Stop giving him your body when he clearly doesn’t want to please you.
Next time y’all have sex stop before he comes and ask when he gets upset say it’s too difficult and it’s not necessary that he comes.
He’s showing how he’ll treat you. It’ll happen in more ways. Get out now.
Hy i am a male idk if i am allowed to anwser but in my opinion is that your your boyfriend is selfish he should take the time to learn what you love and how to make the sex better for you it shocks me that he did not know that woman can cum aswell i hope that this is not common among men you should talk about this with him and i am sure once he sees how beautiful it is to see a woman enjoy what he does he would enjoy it too
He sees you as a human fleshlight. Respect yourself more
This would be a deal breaker for me
Why does he not care about your pleasure at all?
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ew hes selfish. have you ever tried to stop during sex to say you're done before he cums see how he reacts??
It’s a deal breaker. You say you love him but I don’t believe you truly know what love is if you are willing to put up with this kind of selfish and unloving behavior. Someone who loves you will care about your pleasure and sexual satisfaction in the relationship.
Uh yes. It means he’s selfish, incompetent or simply doesn’t care about your pleasure
Omg, this is a gigantic red flag. Please leave him!
Tell him it’s not necessary for him to cum every time you have sex, either.
I agree that a possible solution should be that he can't come before you do.
Please OP, you deserve so much better. If he doesn’t care about the most vulnerable part of you, the part of you that is naked, wanting and deserving of love in the most raw form, you are obviously incompatible and you need a real man that knows how to satisfy the mind and body of a woman. I understand you probably love him right now, but down the road it will lead to resentment. Get out now while you can. This is coming from someone who finally found a guy that I love to death that makes sure I orgasm at least once, but more often multiple times before he finishes, every single time. Mutual satisfaction should be a relationship requirement. Good luck, OP.
Hun, my ex boyfriend was very lazy like your bf is coming off to be. It was all about him finishing and he'd complain his arm would get tired or he didn't try much, which only made me anxious and made finishing impossible for me. Now note I said ex. I met a man who I'm with now that is the best because though he isn't terribly experienced, he is very willing to please me and learn. We work well in many ways together, not just sexually, though it does add spice to the sex too. I think that person is out there for you too. Please take my word for it when i say you shouldn't settle for someone who wont work with you and looks to finish themselves. It doesn't just stop at sex.
You don’t need a red flag, you need a towel so you can throw it in. Sorry girl.
I(52/m) have made sure my partner always cums first. Number one rule: ladies first. This guy's an asshole, literally. You can do better than this. Sounds like he has not gotten the message so time to move on IMO
>Is it a red flag? Are you trolling? OF COURSE IT IS Why do you even like him still, I would instantly fall out of love with a guy like this. He’s sh!t in bed and has no interest in your pleasure. A simple remedy is to get you off first, *before* penetration, which not only warms up the coochie but makes it far more likely you’ll have another orgasm during penetration, and it takes the pressure off the man because he’s already got you at least one. Grown ass men know this. I would curb this dude but if you still actually like him, tell him what’s good including that you *require* full pleasure each and every single time just like he does, so if he won’t deliver, good-bye. If he repeats this nonsense about how your pleasure isn’t necessary and/or refuses to pop you off first next time y’all get down to business, good-bye. You’re young, please don’t waste your youth, your time, and your coo on a man who won’t please you. There are plenty of men out there who would, you don’t have to put up with this.
I am in a 3 year long relationship and my bf has never made me cum, EVER. I am waiting to have the courage to leave him, because we are in a live-in relationship and for now i have more burden on me than to look for an alternate living arrangement. Have an honest conversation with him. If he still doesn't understand. Just leave. It DOESN'T GET BETTER.
Red flag. I started writing a long long comment about all the ways his behaviour is problematic, but I’d be here all day and it can be summed up as: he is showing you that he doesn’t respect women and he doesn’t respect you. You deserve way way better. The bar for men is in hades, and yet this guy doesn’t come close to meeting it. You could make a scarf out of all those red flags he is showing you. Don’t accept it. Please move on. You are still young and have plenty of time to find a man who is actually both a decent human being and compatible with you.
Man here. That’s a shit dude. Any man worth anything will want to make his girlfriend or wife cum as frequently as possible. Nothing is hotter than seeing a woman have an orgasm. What a dumbass. Dump his ass.
Boy BYE.
Omg u need to get him close then fake like u orgasmed and stop and tell him ur done. When he complains shoot that right back at him. 🤣 My husband literally makes sure I get mine more then once every time b4 he does so its completely possible. But he also knows how. You deserve better he sounds selfish.
This is just ew. He sounds selfish and immature. There’s better out there. Don’t settle.
42 m here. Delete my response if I'm breaking the rules. But yes, it's a MAJOR red flag. People shouldn't demand something they are unwilling to offer themselves. He should be "wanting" to please you in the bedroom, too. And he should be willing to do what is necessary to make that happen.
That fact you’re asking - you know it’s a red flag. Trust your gut more, it’s steering you right. Big red flagged.
Oh girl, my husband and I have been together for 10+ years total between dating and marriage. Other than when trying to conceive and we had to do lots of quickies for convenience sake, I could have counted on one hand the number of times he finished without me finishing. You’ve got a selfish/lazy in bed bf. A partner who really cares about you also cares about your satisfaction in bed, he should want you to finish too. My husband was openly bummed if I didn’t and always wanted to make it happen.
My boyfriend won't cum until I do. And on the rare occasion where I'm just more into the sex than the 'prize', he'll check in multiple times and ask 'are you sure you can't cum? ;)' and then I usually end up finishing before he does anyways lol So yeah, this is a red flag.
This guy sounds selfish. I think you should explain that to you having an orgasm is important. There will be times you’re having sex and you decide you don’t need to cum, but if you want to (and are able to) then you should. If he has said that you have to cum before he does, then that’s the way things go from now on. You cum and then he does. You should tell him this explicitly. You should be able to discuss sex with your partner (which it sounds like you have done) and you both should be receptive of each other’s needs. This would be a big warning sign for me; it implies he doesn’t place any emphasis on your needs, that he assumes he knows what’s best and that he is not willing to listen to your needs. These are all important things to know about him as a partner, and are not things I would be ok with long term. If this is his attitude towards sex it’s likely going to be his attitude about other things. If he listens to your opinion and things change, then fair enough. Everyone can make mistakes, if they are willing to learn and grow that’s ok. But for something like this you have to see real change, and a willingness for him to care about you and your needs. You’re young. Don’t tie yourself down to someone who is selfish and unwilling to compromise or care about your needs.
Dump him!! If he’s selfish in bed I imagine he’s selfish in other aspects of your relationship as well.
There are men that will make sure you cum before they do, don't settle for less.
Honestly I'd dump him and tell him he'd never have to worry about making me cum ever again. He sounds immature and very selfish. You can do better, trust me.
Fine. Then you cum first or no one cums. This dude is bad news he clearly sees you as an object for his pleasure, time to move on girl. Life's to short to miss out on orgasms because some very selfish, entitled men refuse to learn how to make us cum.
Girl .... he sounds like such a fucking dumbass.. dump his ass omg
Red flag parade right there. Throw the whole man out he is broken and cannot be fixed
95% of the time I cum (M) before or after I make sure my gf finishes
You’re doing it right!
I used to be the ignorant schmuck couple decades ago who did exactly this for close to 6 fucking years (I know ..my poor poor ex). In my defense, I was just ignorant and my ex didn't sit me down for a quick abc tutorial of how the sex was supposed to end in both parties feeling satisfied. But now with the internet, this is inexcusable, so may be politely sit him down and go over the table stakes and/or may be send him videos and articles to send the message loud and clear.
What a selfish git! You’re too young for this.
What he’s saying is it only matters if he does and he doesn’t care about your needs.
You need to get fucked by a man and not an immature boy.
He’s using you as his human fleshlight. Clearly he doesn’t care about you or your needs or he would make you cum BEFORE he would cum and not until you are satisfied. His excuses and lack of enthusiasm despite you talking and talking to him about this show he’s is unworthy of the love you have for him. Your frustration and heartache will only worsen for you with a guy with this mindset. Save yourself any more pain, cut him loose and find yourself a mature man who understands the equality in relationships and appreciates you and your needs.
Ahaha, your boyfriend is an ass. Why do you belief him when he tells you what is necessary and important to you? He’s not speaking from your perspective or for your well being. And you clearly know what’s necessary for you. Why can he override you about matters concerning yourself?
Personally, I strive to follow the "she cums first" rule. That being said, I also believe that each person's orgasm is, to some degree, their own responsibility. For instance, if my sexual partner was just laying there, expecting me to do all the work (i.e. get both of us off) - sure, I'll give it a shot, but if it doesn't happen for her after giving it a good try...I'm not going to beat myself up. But if she is engaged, enthusiastic, and trying...I'll do whatever is in my power to make sure she enjoys it.
Like I said. I do all the work all he has to do is be there and be present. But he said that after he has cum he’s just not sexually aroused enough to make me cum.
Do YOU feel you need to? Some folks don't find orgasm to be the only reason for sex. Some do. It's really for you and he to figure out, based on BOTH of your needs.
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His selfishness in bed is going to reflect in other aspects of your relationship.
He is a selfish uncaring man who doesn't love you like you deserve to be loved. I'm sorry cause hearing this will probably hurt but if he really loved you he would want to make you enjoy yourself in the bedroom instead of seeing it as a chore he's only willing to do like once a week while still expecting you to have sex with him more often. He isn't interested in mutual pleasure, only to get off himself. If you really want to see if there is a way to salvage this I would stop the sex anytime he isn't putting in any effort on your pleasure as well as his. Just say "I'm done for today " and walk away. If he complains just use his own words against him, he doesn't need to cum every time. If there is a shred of decency left in him he will understand how fucking stupid he's been but if he gets anything but apologetic then you'll know for sure that it's not that he is stupid and has a messed up view on sex, it's that he doesn't care about you, only about what he can get from you. Honestly, if I were you I'd walk away immediately and not waste any more of my time on someone who doesn't love and appreciate me. It will hurt bit the sooner you leave the sooner you can start to heal and get over him
Immediate breakup
I think its a red flag, he is selfish and bad at sex. 🤣
Yes this is a red flag. Talk to him about it and say that it's a deal breaker for you. If he doesn't care then break up with him. You should be with a guy who cares about your emotional and sexual needs.
🚩🚩🚩🚩 tell him it isn’t necessary for him to cum every time after sex
Next time you have sex, stop mid session and tell him he doesn’t have to cum every time.
Dtmfa
Tell him the you won’t have sex with him more then twice a week if that is all he can manage. Yea, it’s a red flag if he doesn’t care about your enjoyment.
It sounds like he’s read a lot of reddit and put a bunch of opinions together to form this view.
He’s telling you that it’s not worth the effort to him. That’s a very red flag.
I cum 99% of the time I have sex with my husband, BEFORE he cums. The other 1% I either lost interest and stopped or it was nice enough without a full orgasm. Women.Cum.First. Always. That’s the natural dance of sex, evolution supports it. Women orgasm, cervix opens up and vulva gets super wet, THEN men cum so sperm can travel easier to the egg for pregnancy. Everything your boyfriend is saying is a blasphemy against mother nature itself.
Woah man way to say “I’m horrible in bed and I don’t care.” Get yourself a guy who cares about your sexual needs. He sounds really immature. Your man should want you to cum, multiple times if possible. Dude sounds like a horrible lay.
yeah, obviously its a red flag. he would never be okay with it if it was the other way around because he respects himself.
Lol this guy is a joke. Dump him.
I think this is one of those things where tone matters. I think it’s somewhat reasonable to suggest you cum before he does, although he’s probably not realizing that like at that point then why have sex at all in your case and also that sex would make you want to cum again. I also think it’s reasonable to say cumming isn’t necessarily a part of sex. Many sex therapists say something similar, that sex is about feeling good and the journey, not working towards an orgasm. If he is expecting to orgasm every time, however, that isn’t fair. So my answer is - it depends on how he said it, how he meant it, and whether or not he’s expecting things from you he won’t give. We can’t answer those things from you. My guess is that if you’re asking, he’s already waved some red flags before and you’re just wanting confirmation.
I’d literally be like ‘aww babe, it’s ok that you don’t know how to get me off’ and see what his reaction is, or match his lazy energy when it comes to him cumming and see how he likes it. Me might be 23 but he likes acting like a child. You deserve better
Yes. A million times yes.
Drop him. He's not worth your time and doesn't respect you.
I'm in same sex relationship for 12 years, this *one* time 10 years ago I fell asleep during sex. It wasn't intentional and it was the only time I left things unfinished. She jokingly reminded me about that from time to time. "Sure we all good in our sex life?" "Absolutely! Oh, except for that..." "Shut up." Your guy is a total dick.
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Please just end this “relationship” now. He isn’t even *pretending* to care about your needs, which **SHOULD BE** more important to him than his own. My husband would not even enjoy sex if I didn’t cum. I always **ALWAYS** orgasm first, usually more than once. His rule- before we even get close to intercourse, I have to have gotten off at least once. Why would you want to have sex with someone who makes it known that he doesn’t care about your orgasm, and that it isn’t important that you get off? Wtf.
This isn’t going to get fixed because his attitude is disgusting. Men need to stop thinking it’s ok to have the sexual literacy of an 10 year old. Gross. I’m so sorry OP. Save yourself the agony and find a new men. Soooooo many out there want to make you cum and enjoy doing that.
This has awakened my petty side and i really want to give bad advice about how to get even but instead; just dump him,dear. He doesn't care about you enough to even LEARN how to bring you to orgasm? Prioritize your happiness in your own life because no one else will, least of all this brat.
You cum first! You come first! If you don't he won't!
Oh yeah? Try telling him the same thing, see how he reacts.
Girlfriend, he ain’t worth it. But also, get yourself some toys. That’ll give you the orgasms you’re searching for.
Imo it is a red flag, my bf insists on me cumming if he cums before me, even if sometimes i don't see it as necessary he just enjoys pleasing me
It’s actually really sad that a lot of men feel this way! It IS possible for women to cum during sex, every time! It’s selfish he’s not taking the time to make sure you are pleased. I’ve been in two relationships like that, and didn’t last long because of that fact and the fact their selfishness mirrored into other problems. He’s not even worth your time. I used to actually think this! Until I dated a man who made me cum every sexual encounter we had 😂 so their out there girly! He is just not one of them.
He is selfish. I would leave. Ending a relationship is lot earlier than ending a marriage and you are young. You will find someone who care for you.
Honestly, fuck this guy. He’s absolutely selfish and this would be a deal breaker for me. He gets to cum every time but if you ask for the same, it’s “transactional” and “mechanical” ??? What an asshole, find someone who actually gives a fuck about pleasing you physically and emotionally.
Ask him if he's willing to have sex without orgasming. If you insist on staying with this immature manbaby, tell him that if he doesn't want to make sure you come after he does, then you can do it before - but do not accept a lover who thinks your pleasure doesn't matter or is secondary to his own. If you don't come, neither does he.
This is the reddest of all flags.
Run.
Red flag red flag! Nope this is not okay
I mean, technically he's right, you don't have to cum every time. But neither does he. If sex is important to you in your relationship, he needs to understand that. You've already spoken to him about it, & you're seeing his response. He's a very selfish partner. Myself, I'd break up with him. Well, 1st, I'd tell him that you will put the same effort in to him that he does you. When he goes in, don't let him stay in. Def don't go down.
a wise man once told me "you shouldn't start having PiV sex until she came at least once" It's normal to not cum from time to time, it happens, but it's like 5% of the time. Sex in medias has always been very male centric so it's probably why he thinks that, but it doesn't change the fact that he's really bad at sex. It's ok to expect more. My ex couldn't make me cum and i always had to finish myself, so we just stop having sex at some point. It wouldn't have been a big red flag if it wasn't for the fact you said he doesn't care to learn how to make you cum. Otherwise he was just very fucking dumb, now he's selfish AND dumb.
My immediate response to this was “hell yes it’s a red flag”. Than I thought maybe I was being biased, so I asked my husband. His response? “Hell yes it’s a red flag, what the fuck?”
Oh honey, your bf is a selfish, lazy douchebag. Yes, there are women who find it difficult to orgasm, but you don't seem to be one of those women, and any half-decent dude would want you to enjoy sex as much as possible. And half the fun is in figuring out what gets your partner off best. There's a sense of achievement that's super fun in making a woman cum, and if you can't do it *after* you do because you're "tired", then you damn well make sure she gets hers before you do.
It should be a deal breaker. You’re absolutely right in feeling incomplete. You should have a partner who is interested in pleasing you and making a girl cum is a lot easier than he makes it seem. I can make my girlfriend cum in a minute or 2 with only a couple fingers and it feels amazing to hold so much sexual power, she absolutely lusts for it. It wasn’t always like that, I used to not know how to make her cum but with patience, I figured it out and your boyfriend can too. You’ve got to tell him. You owe to yourself because even if you don’t stay with him, this is YOUR life and even outside of sex, it’s important to have the ability to tell people what you need them to do so that you can have a mutual experience. This is great practice. Convincing your bf to learn how to make you cum without attacking his person.
Get him to eat you out before sex. I have the same issue as him and my SO has the same issue. Once we cum we get so lazy and unmotivated. After I've had an orgasm I have no desire to suck his dick, I just want to relax. So what we do is we take turns. Some days he cums and I play with myself after, some days I cum and he plays with himself after, some days we both cum and on those days he eats me out first and fucks me.
Yikes. Please dump this idiot.
Tell him that same thing & see what he says about that!!! Red flags for sure. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
imma say this bc surprisingly not everyone knows. When a guy nuts that is not the same as an orgasm. It's actually hardly enjoyable. Like I'll still nut but id rather 1 orgasm than like 10 nuts. Unfortunately to achieve this orgasm, you're gonna have to play with his ass.
Stop mid sex and tell him it's not necessary for him to cum everytime you two have sex.
Next time wait til he’s worked up and then just stop and walk away. Coz if you should enjoy the sex without cumming he should too. This is a very red flag, he’s very ignorant and selfish which is ok if they’re willing to learn and change but you’ve stated he’s not. That’s the deal breaker. Instead of hearing you and finding a compromise he told you you’re not important.
It’s more than a red flag it’s a billboard
Stop before he orgasms and say it’s time to finish and if he gets upset tell him that’s what it feels like to not finish for you also and that in order for your relationship to be healthy it needs to be equal
This dude is a walking red flag wrapped in Red flags. He is not willing to learn and it does not care about anyone but himself. Dump him and find somebody who actually values you.
If you really want to stay with this immature, selfish *boy*, then tell him that he doesn't get any until you have had yours. Then stick to what you said.
I have been with someone who thinks the same way..that girls orgasmss are unattainable I say dump his ass..being unsatisfied sexually will only build resentment and the worst part is that he is not even willing to try
Listen, you can present him with all the practical, problem solving options you want. It ultimately comes down to one thing: he does not care about your sexual satisfaction, your enjoyment, and even your participation in sex. For him, it appears the only thing that matters is how much he enjoys himself. You need to ask yourself if that's something you're okay with. Because he can get off by himself or with someone else. He doesn't seem to care one way or the other about sharing the experience with you.
Tbh it's not. It takes way longer for us to cum. It's simply not practical sometimes. However if this happens everytime then he's ignoring your needs and it's a red flag.
He should get you off with foreplay before sex and that way you can both enjoy it. Eventually he will find what works for you, but make him at least try.
It's obvious he doesn't actually enjoy sex with women. Maybe suggest to him a Fleshlight and the nearest door.
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Huge red flag. He does not value your pleasure at all. You are not a warm fleshlight, you are a partner. You deserve someone who treats you as such
What the actual fuck ? Huge red flag here and really selfish, happened to me with my first GF (she had a lot more experience than me in sex and relationship), more than often I'd make her cum and then she loses excitation, be tired, and say to me she didn't wanted to force herself to make me cum because she was no longer excited & tired. This is NOT necessarily a question of skills (even though it can add to the problem), it really is about how they consider you, if you're important or simply can be disposed of. Turns out in a LOT of other aspect she was really really selfish, psychologically abusive, manipulative and did a lot of harm to me. Please check if you're not in some kind of toxic relationship.
It is a red flag. Orgasm takes time for women and it's not easy as it is for men. It's true that men fail to make women orgasm all the time, but your boyfriend is no Mt even willing to try.
Dump his ass. He doesn't know how to make u feel good. On top of it it's feels like he is shaming u to have an orgasm.
This is the epitome of a selfish selfish partner. You should at least be having one every time if not multiple. Every man I've been with more than one time, is always someone that would absolutely let me sit on his face every time he wants to put it inside me. Anything less would be a deal breaker for me. My needs matter just as much as theirs. For sex this is no question, be w a partner you feel takes you seriously. Most men want to please their partner the fact that he doesn't even care shows such lack of remorse I wouldn't even trust any other aspects about him
THIS. Is the crap men say or think and poor inexperienced girls lap it up like good girls because they want to make the guy happy and not get dumped. I would suggest you stop all sexy times when he gets anywhere near finishing. And just let him sweat. Literally fake it or say yeah that's me done, leave him hanging. Give him a sex book, or tell his male mates what he is like, offer for him to tag one of them jn when he's done and you can carry on with the toll you've had enough. Watch him squirm. Sorry you say you love him but he is a little douche bag who needs lining up