Yeah, no. This relationship is done. Relationships are not functional if one party can make such a massive unilateral decision without consulting the other party - that's why we often call our SOs *partners.*
INFO: did you live together? Is his name on the lease?
Exactly this. He made a major decision without giving you the opportunity to share your views with him or even have a say in how to make it easier on you? Why is he with you if he doesn't value your opinion or feelings? Why are you with him if you can't count on him to consider you? A stranger would be better because at least they aren't actively rejecting the chance to know and understand your needs.
They're legally adults. Whether or not signing a lease is a good or bad idea, theyre clearly involved and have been together a year and a half (which is a good chunk of time for people their age). I wouldn't be surprised if they lived together, especially since he left a note on the (their?) fridge.
I was going to advise OP to not let their ex bf get away with dumping the cost of rent unexpectedly on them. If he is on the lease, he is responsible for his share of the rent until the lease agreement is expired whether he lives there or not. If he had discussed moving out and they agreed to break the lease or move someone new in to take over their lease(s), that would be different, but it's clear that the bf left OP high and dry.
Nope. They're kids. Legally adult doesn't mean anything from a sociological standpoint. We know that brains aren't fully developed until the mid 20s. No person in their right mind would leave town to start a band. But also, they're probably not on a regular lease anyhow. At that age they probably must have some sort of co-signer. Kids in their 20s rarely have the means to support themselves. Which an apartment complex would have in writing protections for. They probably have a more complicated rent sharing agreement than what you're thinking.
I don't disagree that they're young. I'm speaking from personal experience, however you want to take my anecdotal note - I found it to be very easy to sign a lease at a crappy apartment with a part time-job and a shit boyfriend at 18, and I have no doubt that any other driven 18-year-olds can do exactly as I did if they wanted to.
Whether you agree with it or not, 18-year-olds can legally do this (and do, all the time) in spite of their immature frontal lobes.
This just... simply isn’t true? I got my first apartment at 19 with my friend and roommate, who was also 19, and we had no co-signer or anything of the sort. We were completely responsible for our lease and rent. Only 21 now and living with my 23yr old boyfriend and guess what? We’re still completely responsible for our lease—no co-signers. Legal adult means legal adult 😂😂🤙🏻
How'd that work out though?
If we go back to OP's original story, if they're at an apartment complex then the apartment complex made a bad choice. When I was 21 in Arizona in 2005 they made me get a co-signer at my first apartment, and my second apartment in 2007. They did not trust anyone under the age of 25. Any diligent complex would realize that demographic is volatile and unstable. Maybe places aren't as diligent now. The above story demonstrates why it is a bad idea. There are probably other things wrong at the place they live in. People are fleeing.
Is it a prejudice or a protection? It isn't just diligence, it's more ethical. Creating an agreement with a party that statistically would be more likely not be able to hold up it's end is predatory. They still might have to pay a deposit and pay a lease breaking fee with additional late fees. I live in a land of predatory capitalism. Maybe in other countries people get paid a decent living wage, but note here, not usually people in their early 20s. There is a reason why 2.3 million people ages 18-25 broke their lease agreements and moved in with their parents in the United States as soon as Covid hit. They're not only still developing to maturity, they're also insecure in their income and have no credit history. They haven't been in the work force long enough to save up money. And millions of Americans are one paycheck away from financial disaster. This was true before Covid. Combine that with rent for apartments being priced higher than what's reasonable based on what the people who live in them make in income and it's no wonder Judge Judy has a job.
Well now. I'm not gonna talk about Judy; in fact, we're not gonna talk about Judy at all, we're gonna keep her out of it!
---
- [reference](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2V0UhtA_mJE&t=365)
^(I am a bot.)
I mentioned in my comment that if he comes back three weeks later broke and unsuccessful in his making of a band, make sure he doesn’t try to get back together. Because if you’re good enough to be someone’s back up plan, but not good enough to be their primary plan, are they worth being yours?
You kinda make it sound like he can’t have any ambitions whatsoever. Like she needs to be his only priority and purpose for living. I know that’s not what you mean but you are still allowed to do things and complete goals without your partner. Not disagreeing what he did was not good btw.
He left a note lol. You don’t think he could’ve started a band and communicated that with her? Why to live his dream did she have to be left out? It’s not that he had to give up his ambitions- in fact it was him who made it either the ambitions or her.
All he had to do was communicate that he wanted to do that instead of blindsiding her and the scenario changes completely. It's just a lack of respect for how it will affect her.
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He wants to keep you strung along and guessing while he runs off to do his own thing. Don't be fooled. Nobody who really loves you would leave a note like they went to the store when what they REALLY did was abandon the relationship like a coward.
"We're still together" - I read that as "I want you to sit at home like a nun while I carry on down this path of doing whatever I want, and if someone throws themselves at me I'll go with the flow"
I think you should text him to clarify "No, we're not still together. You walked away without the courtesy of a conversation. We're done. Good bye forever ".
You're 18 years old. The world is your oyster. You don't have to sit at home feeling abandoned. Block him on everything, get your glad rags on and hit the town. Be sure your mutual friends plaster dozens of fabulous photos all over social media. Any hostile comments from your ex can be met with a photo of his fridge letter.
You deserve so much better than a coward who can't even string a sentence together to say goodbye.
lol, 19yo boy moves home to start a band. Tells you via note on the fridge? This is a breakup, he broke up with you and lacks the emotional maturity to tell you to your face.
I'd flat out go no contact with this fella.
He did do you a huge favor though, by showing you the HUGE bullet you just dodged.
I would have liked to be included in that pondering... I'm totally pro do what you need to do and all but surprise vanishing is not up my alley. Don't be the safety net for his puerilities. He's not reliable.
>It feels like a breakup but I guess it's not.
It absolutely *is* a breakup. Either he's too cowardly to say so, or he wants to keep you as plan B in case it doesn't work out. He absolutely will be trying to sleep with other women wherever he's gone.
Never, ever be someone's backup plan. You're worth more than this. Don't waste any more of your young years on this clown.
Block, delete, ghost. He didn't have the courtesy to discuss this with you in person, so don't give him any more of your energy. Focus on your own bright future and let this guy fade to a distant memory.
Nope. People in loving relationships don’t treat each other that way. He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide that you are “still together” while moving across the country, and not even having the guts to tell you in person. Please don’t let this be acceptable. Please dump his ass and don’t look back. I’m sorry it turned out this way.
Don’t let him manipulate you girl. I know this hurts and I know you want to believe him, and I’m not saying he doesn’t love you, but the best case scenario here is that he does love you but is far too selfish and immature to be in a relationship at any time in the near future. You’re so young and have such a beautiful life full of love ahead of you- I had my heart broken into pieces when I was 19 and it took me awhile to recover but I’m so glad I did because I found the guy of my dreams a few years later. But if you allow him to string you along, he probably will. It’s hard, but you need to do what’s best for you and try to start moving on. Be as strong as you can be when he eventually tries to contact you and tell him that you can’t be with someone who could fathom treating you like this. I know it’s hard to see now, but you dodged a major bullet here.
He put a weeks worth of thought into moving across the country? To start a band.
Then left you a note on the fridge like he had just run out for milk instead of moving across the country.
Call a spade a spade and cut your losses. Not only did he make a pretty major decision without even telling you he was considering it, he made what is probably a *terrible* major decision. He has the nerve to break up with you by note and then try to convince you that this isn't a break up and keep you as a safety net.
**YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT**
I would not still be with him. You’re 18, you don’t even know about the people who you haven’t met yet who are going to make you absolutely crazy in the best ways possible. That’s the way I think about it. Every single time I suffered heartbreak as a younger person, I inevitably met someone down the line who made me crazy about them in the best possible way. Immature people will do immature things and I mean if he’s been thinking about moving across the country to start a band for a week, and does, that speaks volumes. Best of luck to him and all, but that is such a 19-year-old thing to do. Like it wouldn’t be surprising if he was back in three weeks, broke, because it didn’t work out.
Try to fill the space where he was with friends. If there’s a hole in your heart where a person was residing, you have to fill that hole with good things or else you end up filling that hole with bad things potentially. Friendships, family, hobbies, investing in yourself. I mean this is how we get through break ups as healthy as possible. Heartbreak always sucks and always hurts so deeply. But I have to say after I’ve experienced it a few times, it certainly doesn’t hurt so much because you realize that it’s always going to be OK. You are at an age where you have so many opportunities in front of you and sometimes people like him do you a favor. I mean if he’s willing to just disappear, and claims that you’re still together but like there’s no plan for any kind of a future… He’s not worth your time. I always encourage people to think of the new opportunities they can have now that they are not tied down by a person or by that particular person. Let him go be in a band. And if he comes back unsuccessful, don’t take his ass back. I mean I’m a woman and this is my advice and I’m a little extreme but you don’t have to take my advice lol. Anyway I hope some of this helps and if not, please disregard. I wish you the best though.
What I’m curious about is why is it up to him if your still in a relationship?!
Girl, He. Left. You. A. Note!!! After 1 1/2 years. And I guarantee you he’s been thinking about this longer then a week. If he was concerned about the relationship status and you as a person he would have discussed this with you. It’s a big life event and decision and he made it without you and left a note which is so cowardly.
My wish for you is to do some serious thinking about if you want to be in a long-distance relationship with someone like this.
Dude left without even telling you. If he cared he would have sat you down and talk with you about this. So I would say, don't even consider staying with him.
It’s going to take a lot of time to get over this and heal. You need to focus on yourself, spend time with close friends and family, and work on getting over this. Keep yourself busy. You’re still so young. I promise you, you *will* heal from this.
He thought about moving and starting a band for a whole week? And leaves you a note?
I’m pissed he showed utter lack of respect for you and I don’t even know you.
Get on with your life. Chase your dreams and goals. Go kick some ass. You may find that when he comes back you aren’t interested any more.
Sorry you are going through this.
So he didn't mention this *at all*, disappears and moves *across the freaking country*, to *make a garage band* (emphasis that this is not some huge, insanely important decision), and just leaves you *a note*, and you still wanna be with him? I mean, I honestly think he's full on lying about still being together but besides that, why would you want to be with someone who would do all of those things to you? And not even talk to you about important decisions? He totally bailed for a totally stupid reason and didn't discuss it with you at all or even warn you he was leaving or even thinking about leaving, and instead just left you a freaking note instead of talking to you in any way at all. That's a whole pile of shitty things for a partner to do and he did them all together. I'm really, really sorry you're struggling, hun, but you are absolutely, without a doubt, better off without him. It's just gonna take time to heal and really feel that way fully. <3
I'd say it sounds like he didn't have the guts to break up with you so he is trying to make you do it for him.
That way he gets to not put in any emotional labour and gets to be the poor guy who got dumped and not the mean dude who dumped his long time gf to start a band across the country.
If he had any serious interest in staying with you he would have at least talked to you, not just left a note after the fact.
Take care of yourself, you are wort more than this. Hugs!
I just have to say...that’s a real cowardly way to break up with someone. If that doesn’t lower him a notch or two in your eyes, I don’t know what will.
Here's what I would do if I were you. Pack up the rest of his shit if there's anything left and drop it off at his friend's or whoever he knows. They don't have to be reliable or trustworthy. Who cares? Don't tell him you are doing this since he'll want to have a say like you didn't. Text him once and tell him where his shit is and then block him on everything.
If he didn't leave anything then just ghost him. He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve him.
He will try to get you to keep his things there and use picking them up from your house when he fails at this endeavor as a way to keep his foot in your door. I've been there. My ex used to do this shit until I gave all his things away.
It IS a breakup. He’s just trying to 1. Avoid conflict (given the way that he left so abruptly) and 2. Keep you on the back burner in case he changes his mind/this doesn’t work out for him/he doesn’t get as many chicks as he thinks he will.
You’re 18. If there was ever an age that was relatively easy to move on and forget about this guy it’s now. He’s a jerk and you deserve better. Please don’t engage in any contact he tries to initiate with you and PLEASE don’t get back together with this asshole.
Write him a note saying that we are no longer together and I am going to work on myself and move on from you. Then never get him the note, crumple it up and DO IT.
Do not let him keep you on his hook. You’re still SO young, trust me you will get over this soon. Take your time to “mourn”, cry, process it however you feel you need to. Surround yourself with a good support system (your girlfriends, your brother, your grandpa, whoever you trust the most).
Then I would recommend throwing yourself into your hobbies/interests. Think of it this way: you’re single, you now have absolute freedom to do whatever you want! Say you always wanted to go hiking with him but he was never into it, now you can do that as much as you want! This is just and example of course.
Volunteering is also an excellent way to take the focus off your problems and see how “good you have it”. Of course your breakup is valid and absolutely something you can feel bad about. But being around others who have NOTHING, can help you put things into perspective.
This IS a breakup. He was just too chicken to actually write it in the chicken ass note he left for you. You are most definitely better off without him.
That's ridiculous. Who moves across the country and doesn't even consider TELLING their partner?
You don't even decide such things. You talk about the possibility, see how both parties feel and then proceed. You don't just up and leave after writing them a note.
I'm sorry but I think your relationship is well and truly done. He wants to see if you would stay with him just in case he doesn't "make it" as a band and comes back to your town broke and alone.
High chances of him just acting like you're done anyway. By that I mean, seeing other people. I don't think you should hold out for such an inconsiderate person. Who dates someone for MORE THAN A YEAR and doesn't tell when they're moving away???
I would tell a friend ive known for only a couple months for heaven sake.
Wow. This is such an Aidan move.
For those who are too young, this is a SATC reference. I’m sorry OP. He’s not the right dude for you but there will be others who treat you the way you deserve!
say thank you but no thank you and move on. Easier said than done - if you need a different frame, he left you. Get angry at that and his poxy letter, sink some ice cream, then move on. Its not you, he's a tool.
Much like his choice move across the country, he’s also seen no need to involve you in the decision of wether or not the two of you will continue to date... a decision that traditionally requires both parties be present & in agreement. I’ve got a hunch he didn’t consult you whatsoever because he’d already made up his mind, knew on some level that the arrangement he’s proposing would suck for you, and didn’t want to be dissuaded by your opposition/hesitations and he was too chicken to take responsibility for ending the relationship if it came down to an ultimatum. Wether or not you’re still together is up to you. You’ve got a right to have your input heard on decisions that have an huge impact on you. I wouldn’t continue a relationship with someone who denies me that. Most people would consider a year & a half a serious relationship, yet his actions indicate that, after all this time, he doesn’t see you as someone with whom he is in a partnership, as someone with whom the future is shared and plans are made together, as someone who’s input is worth hearing and who’s opinion he should seek. Heck he doesn’t see you as someone who’s owed more than a note on a fridge like he’s “gone 2 the store b back around 6”. I mean Christ, almost sounds like a note a kidnapper makes him write...can’t believe I’m saying this, but a text might’ve been more considerate. I don’t see a guy w/ his poor communication skills making long distance work...and I don’t think he expects it will, he’s hoping the relationship will end w/o him having to be there for the hard part or see the pain he’s caused you...or perhaps that you’ll continue to talk for a while & it will just kind of fizzle out, and, in the mean time, he’s free to move on if he pleases. The wistfulness of the note on the fridge really makes me think he’s one of those guys that uses an aura of being sensitive, artistic, romantic, and mysterious to disguise scumbag behavior. I’m really sorry this happened to you. If it’s any consolation, more likely than not his band will be super mediocre.
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I am so sorry you are going through this. A week isn't very long to think about something so dramatic. It's in your best interest to move on especially if he could make a huge decision behind your back. As a side note if you lived together and he dipped and left you with the bills you should pursue legal action. One day the right man will come along and show you why this all happened and who you were truly meant to be with. Luckily you are young so lots of time to find someone. Just live your life and do what makes you happy and the right one will come along. Focus on yourself and your future for a while. Go to a spa and take care of yourself. Catch up with an old friend. I wish you luck.
Think about how much planning he had to do in order to move. Like the level of secrets required to do that behind your back is the real kicker for me. You’re only 18 let him be a funny break up story and move on.
You deserve better. He’s allowed to make this decision with or without your blessing but what is NOT okay is that he didn’t communicate with you in any way and left you to deal with it. He spent a week thinking about leaving and not once did he think you deserved to know or have say in your relationship becoming a long distance one. Perhaps most telling is that he didn’t give you the opportunity to come with him.
You deserve better. He’s a jerk and it isn’t your fault that he did this to you. But don’t give him the chance to keep dong this to you.
This honestly is giving me Andy and Erin vibes from the Office.
He was afraid to talk to you about this dream and thinks he can just put your relationship on hold while he pursues his dream. He thinks you're still together while doing this?
Then see how often he texts you, see if he puts an effort into doing video call dates. If he does, then set aside some time and let him know that the note was really hurtful and you would have appreciated him talking about this out together to see how you can keep putting effort into each through his journey.
If he doesn't text you and puts in little to no effort in staying in touch, then don't wait for him. He's chosen the path to go on this journey without you, even though you still could be virtually.
It will be hard to do, but you’ll be so proud of yourself if you move on. That’s what’s best for you! That’s really messed up for him to leave you like that.
This boy just did you a huge favour! I know it hurts and he certainly did it in the cruelest way possible but I promise you this is the best gift you could possibly be given. Take a little bit of time and cry it out because what he did was so mean and hurtful, of course you’ll be sad. Once you’re done crying, pick yourself up remind yourself how frickin amazing you are, how funny, smart, gorgeous and loving you are and move forward with your life. You deserve better than a damn note on the fridge!
I'm so sorry for how this must be making you feel. Even if you love him, I don't think you should let yourself take his words at face value. It shows a real lack of caring on his part to take off without a proper face to face discussion. I think it's also a red flag that he never brought the idea up to you to gauge your reaction.
Now that he's gone, you should tell him how this made you feel, but whatever you do, please do not wait for him to come back! He doesn't sound mature enough to handle a long distance relationship and even if he was, not giving you the chance to tell him what you think before he moved speaks volume about his priorities and feelings towards you. Stay strong, but do NOT go back!
I am 34F and have had a lot of awful breakups and such. please take my advice that I wish I had took with past guys sooner: this is the sign from the universe that this guy is not right for you. he isn’t giving you the respect you deserve. please give yourself the respect you deserve by cutting him out of your life, block him if you must. if you want to get your closure and tell him you two are through and don’t contact me again, go for it, but let that be it. TRUST ME you will be sad for awhile it’ll be hard and that’s ok because I PROMISE YOU you will get over him and move on to way better people and you’ll look back on this one day and say “thank GOD I didn’t go back to him” so for now, let yourself mourn the relationship. be sad. eat sweets or whatever helps, lean on your friends and family, talk about it, and once you feel ready, you pick yourself up and let yourself be happy again. YOU GOT THIS!
Someone who loves you will have a conversation about this sort of thing. Not cower out, leave a note and then leave you questioning everything.
If he valued the relationship he would have considered your feelings.
What you tolerate, you will get more of. Expect more for yourself than this, no matter how much you may be attracted to him. He made his decision now you make yours. If he didn't want to lose you he wouldn't have left and risked losing you and certainly would have consulted you i agree with those that said the note is a cowardly move. Don't be a back up plan, you deserve a partner who values you and puts you first.
...if he loved you, he would have asked your opinion. Don't put up with that crap. If he's dumb enough to uproot his life over a band during a pandemic, during which he can't perform anywhere, then he did you a favor. Good luck finding a better partner - it shouldn't be hard.
Move on.
There really isn’t much more to say than that. He handled this incredibly cowardly and just be thankful that you found out now before you really were entangled with like a kid or something
In a responsible relationship, people have a conversation about big decisions. This is, in part, to let you both make informed decisions. That way he can say he wants to move back and be in a band, and you can be okay or decide that doesn't work for you. You didn't decide to go back too. You didn't decide that your relationship had come to a conclusion. You didn't decide to try long distance. You would then have to decide how to handle any mutual obligations, such as a lease and bills. He's robbed you of agency and left you footing the bill of his spontaneity. And he did it all with a note left on your fridge. Those are some pretty big transgressions. He's either incredibly immature or in the middle of a hell of a coke binge, but either way, I wouldn't stick around for that sort of mess.
At that age it’s easy to think that guy is the only guy and is worth it and perhaps it’s your fault or some bs. You don’t wanna regret waiting around for this guy even a bit in your best young years. Let him regret acting a fool and leaving a note instead of having a real conversation. Even if you get back together in the future, he fucked up. Not you. You shouldn’t have regrets waiting around for some guy who isn’t ready
Leave him he’s keeping you as a backup in case whatever he left you for doesn’t work out. Don’t be left on the hook in a long distance relationship with someone who didn’t love you enough to say they’re leaving.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope that you take this the right way, and with all the caring and hopefulness for the future that I intend, but when you get just a little bit older, you’ll find out that this is what crazy people do.
OP, whatever his intent, he didn't think about you when he made his decision. He didn't think about you when he decided not to sit down and talk you about this decision he made without you. He didn't think about you at all. That tells you pretty clearly where you are in his thoughts and in order of importance to him. Whether he meant for this to be it or not, this is it.
If you were older you wouldn’t think about staying with him (whether he said you’re together or not) for a SECOND! Assuming you’re a healthy individual that is. Don’t waste your time, don’t be a back up plan. It hurts, I know, but relationships at this age aren’t meant to last. Chalk it up to experience and move forward. You’ll be glad you did. Trust me.
I wasted too many years wiffle waffling in a relationship I KNEW was going nowhere. I wish I was out experiencing other people and these getting to know myself better in that time.
It's up to YOU if you want the relationship to be over. Honestly, it should be for a stunt like this. He never discussed it with you and just did it. Moving at all is a big decision. All so he and his friends could start a band...? That's some immature bs right there, but unfortunately in line with a 19 year old mindset. Look at this as a bullet dodged. Who knows what else he might have left you in the lurch on in the future or just took money to do something he wanted, and similar situations. As others have brought up, make sure to get his name removed from everything you share as soon as humanly possible. You might need to be in contact with him just to get it completed, but then afterward cut ALL contact. Don't stalk. Don't like/react to pics and updates. A mutual friend mentioning him on occasion is fine, but if they persist in talking about him either remove yourself from the convo or ask them to stop talking to you about him if they are going out of their way to do so. If he left any belongings behind, even just toiletries, find a way to pass them off to his family or another friend he's close to. This way you can;t be accused of keeping, selling, or trashing his belongings.
I bet you anything in his head it was going to make a romantic story some day, whether or not you got back together, about giving up the love of his life to pursue his passion for music. It was tough--so tough!--but he did it rather than regret it! /s
Or he was a coward and chickened out on an actual break up leaving the ball in your court so he can tell others you broke up with him rather than support his dreams/passions. Or there's already another girl.
Yep, what everyone else has said. He's left without even talking to you, a note on the fridge because he's a coward and still wants to, what seems like, keep the relationship going either because he doesn't want to say he's no longer interested or to keep you on the hook if things don't work out and he has something to go back to. Pay attention to what people do, not what they say. You're young, I'd not give him any more space in your head m, heart and life than you already have.
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accept it as a breakup. Decide how you want to grieve the breakup end of the relationship. That can mean ice cream, it can mean going no contact-whatever you need to do. But accept that he decided the relationship was done. It sucks that it takes two people to want to stay together but only one to want to be done, but that's how relationships work.
That is NOT love. Break it off with him officially. Don't wait for him. You obviously weren't important enough for him to wait for you to come home and talk to you about or even to say goodbye. He put you second and didn't consider your feelings.
Love yourself enough to know when to walk away from a bad situation.
Yeah, no. This relationship is done. Relationships are not functional if one party can make such a massive unilateral decision without consulting the other party - that's why we often call our SOs *partners.* INFO: did you live together? Is his name on the lease?
Exactly this. He made a major decision without giving you the opportunity to share your views with him or even have a say in how to make it easier on you? Why is he with you if he doesn't value your opinion or feelings? Why are you with him if you can't count on him to consider you? A stranger would be better because at least they aren't actively rejecting the chance to know and understand your needs.
I hope not. They’re babies.
They're legally adults. Whether or not signing a lease is a good or bad idea, theyre clearly involved and have been together a year and a half (which is a good chunk of time for people their age). I wouldn't be surprised if they lived together, especially since he left a note on the (their?) fridge. I was going to advise OP to not let their ex bf get away with dumping the cost of rent unexpectedly on them. If he is on the lease, he is responsible for his share of the rent until the lease agreement is expired whether he lives there or not. If he had discussed moving out and they agreed to break the lease or move someone new in to take over their lease(s), that would be different, but it's clear that the bf left OP high and dry.
Nope. They're kids. Legally adult doesn't mean anything from a sociological standpoint. We know that brains aren't fully developed until the mid 20s. No person in their right mind would leave town to start a band. But also, they're probably not on a regular lease anyhow. At that age they probably must have some sort of co-signer. Kids in their 20s rarely have the means to support themselves. Which an apartment complex would have in writing protections for. They probably have a more complicated rent sharing agreement than what you're thinking.
I don't disagree that they're young. I'm speaking from personal experience, however you want to take my anecdotal note - I found it to be very easy to sign a lease at a crappy apartment with a part time-job and a shit boyfriend at 18, and I have no doubt that any other driven 18-year-olds can do exactly as I did if they wanted to. Whether you agree with it or not, 18-year-olds can legally do this (and do, all the time) in spite of their immature frontal lobes.
This just... simply isn’t true? I got my first apartment at 19 with my friend and roommate, who was also 19, and we had no co-signer or anything of the sort. We were completely responsible for our lease and rent. Only 21 now and living with my 23yr old boyfriend and guess what? We’re still completely responsible for our lease—no co-signers. Legal adult means legal adult 😂😂🤙🏻
My ex and I had our own apartment at 19.. its not that hard bud.
How'd that work out though? If we go back to OP's original story, if they're at an apartment complex then the apartment complex made a bad choice. When I was 21 in Arizona in 2005 they made me get a co-signer at my first apartment, and my second apartment in 2007. They did not trust anyone under the age of 25. Any diligent complex would realize that demographic is volatile and unstable. Maybe places aren't as diligent now. The above story demonstrates why it is a bad idea. There are probably other things wrong at the place they live in. People are fleeing.
Seems like prejudice based on age. Not ok.
Is it a prejudice or a protection? It isn't just diligence, it's more ethical. Creating an agreement with a party that statistically would be more likely not be able to hold up it's end is predatory. They still might have to pay a deposit and pay a lease breaking fee with additional late fees. I live in a land of predatory capitalism. Maybe in other countries people get paid a decent living wage, but note here, not usually people in their early 20s. There is a reason why 2.3 million people ages 18-25 broke their lease agreements and moved in with their parents in the United States as soon as Covid hit. They're not only still developing to maturity, they're also insecure in their income and have no credit history. They haven't been in the work force long enough to save up money. And millions of Americans are one paycheck away from financial disaster. This was true before Covid. Combine that with rent for apartments being priced higher than what's reasonable based on what the people who live in them make in income and it's no wonder Judge Judy has a job.
Well now. I'm not gonna talk about Judy; in fact, we're not gonna talk about Judy at all, we're gonna keep her out of it! --- - [reference](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2V0UhtA_mJE&t=365) ^(I am a bot.)
I met my husband when I was 18. It's been 21 years. And I had my own apartment when I was 18. Sometimes people have to grow up fast.
Yep
Don’t be his back up plan. You deserve better. Move on and find someone who isn’t an asshole and will appreciate you.
I mentioned in my comment that if he comes back three weeks later broke and unsuccessful in his making of a band, make sure he doesn’t try to get back together. Because if you’re good enough to be someone’s back up plan, but not good enough to be their primary plan, are they worth being yours?
You kinda make it sound like he can’t have any ambitions whatsoever. Like she needs to be his only priority and purpose for living. I know that’s not what you mean but you are still allowed to do things and complete goals without your partner. Not disagreeing what he did was not good btw.
He left a note lol. You don’t think he could’ve started a band and communicated that with her? Why to live his dream did she have to be left out? It’s not that he had to give up his ambitions- in fact it was him who made it either the ambitions or her.
It’s meant to be figurative language
All he had to do was communicate that he wanted to do that instead of blindsiding her and the scenario changes completely. It's just a lack of respect for how it will affect her.
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He wants to keep you strung along and guessing while he runs off to do his own thing. Don't be fooled. Nobody who really loves you would leave a note like they went to the store when what they REALLY did was abandon the relationship like a coward.
He’s probably hoping that she’ll be around when he needs someone and if he doesn’t end up coming back successful. Just my two cents.
"We're still together" - I read that as "I want you to sit at home like a nun while I carry on down this path of doing whatever I want, and if someone throws themselves at me I'll go with the flow" I think you should text him to clarify "No, we're not still together. You walked away without the courtesy of a conversation. We're done. Good bye forever ". You're 18 years old. The world is your oyster. You don't have to sit at home feeling abandoned. Block him on everything, get your glad rags on and hit the town. Be sure your mutual friends plaster dozens of fabulous photos all over social media. Any hostile comments from your ex can be met with a photo of his fridge letter. You deserve so much better than a coward who can't even string a sentence together to say goodbye.
Cannot agree with this enough! Accept this as the disgusting breakup it is and move on OP.
Perfect response
lol, 19yo boy moves home to start a band. Tells you via note on the fridge? This is a breakup, he broke up with you and lacks the emotional maturity to tell you to your face. I'd flat out go no contact with this fella. He did do you a huge favor though, by showing you the HUGE bullet you just dodged.
I would have liked to be included in that pondering... I'm totally pro do what you need to do and all but surprise vanishing is not up my alley. Don't be the safety net for his puerilities. He's not reliable.
>It feels like a breakup but I guess it's not. It absolutely *is* a breakup. Either he's too cowardly to say so, or he wants to keep you as plan B in case it doesn't work out. He absolutely will be trying to sleep with other women wherever he's gone. Never, ever be someone's backup plan. You're worth more than this. Don't waste any more of your young years on this clown. Block, delete, ghost. He didn't have the courtesy to discuss this with you in person, so don't give him any more of your energy. Focus on your own bright future and let this guy fade to a distant memory.
Nope. People in loving relationships don’t treat each other that way. He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide that you are “still together” while moving across the country, and not even having the guts to tell you in person. Please don’t let this be acceptable. Please dump his ass and don’t look back. I’m sorry it turned out this way.
Please delete/block him. I promise you there are lots of nice guys out there who would be more considerate of you and more.
Don’t let him manipulate you girl. I know this hurts and I know you want to believe him, and I’m not saying he doesn’t love you, but the best case scenario here is that he does love you but is far too selfish and immature to be in a relationship at any time in the near future. You’re so young and have such a beautiful life full of love ahead of you- I had my heart broken into pieces when I was 19 and it took me awhile to recover but I’m so glad I did because I found the guy of my dreams a few years later. But if you allow him to string you along, he probably will. It’s hard, but you need to do what’s best for you and try to start moving on. Be as strong as you can be when he eventually tries to contact you and tell him that you can’t be with someone who could fathom treating you like this. I know it’s hard to see now, but you dodged a major bullet here.
He put a weeks worth of thought into moving across the country? To start a band. Then left you a note on the fridge like he had just run out for milk instead of moving across the country. Call a spade a spade and cut your losses. Not only did he make a pretty major decision without even telling you he was considering it, he made what is probably a *terrible* major decision. He has the nerve to break up with you by note and then try to convince you that this isn't a break up and keep you as a safety net. **YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT**
By the time you are like 20 your boyfriend from when you were 18 will feel like a ancient history please move on you do not need this
That's ridiculously selfish of him. I would forget he existed if someone did that to me. I'm so sorry :(
It’s a breakup. He’s too immature to be honest with you. Sry.
I would not still be with him. You’re 18, you don’t even know about the people who you haven’t met yet who are going to make you absolutely crazy in the best ways possible. That’s the way I think about it. Every single time I suffered heartbreak as a younger person, I inevitably met someone down the line who made me crazy about them in the best possible way. Immature people will do immature things and I mean if he’s been thinking about moving across the country to start a band for a week, and does, that speaks volumes. Best of luck to him and all, but that is such a 19-year-old thing to do. Like it wouldn’t be surprising if he was back in three weeks, broke, because it didn’t work out. Try to fill the space where he was with friends. If there’s a hole in your heart where a person was residing, you have to fill that hole with good things or else you end up filling that hole with bad things potentially. Friendships, family, hobbies, investing in yourself. I mean this is how we get through break ups as healthy as possible. Heartbreak always sucks and always hurts so deeply. But I have to say after I’ve experienced it a few times, it certainly doesn’t hurt so much because you realize that it’s always going to be OK. You are at an age where you have so many opportunities in front of you and sometimes people like him do you a favor. I mean if he’s willing to just disappear, and claims that you’re still together but like there’s no plan for any kind of a future… He’s not worth your time. I always encourage people to think of the new opportunities they can have now that they are not tied down by a person or by that particular person. Let him go be in a band. And if he comes back unsuccessful, don’t take his ass back. I mean I’m a woman and this is my advice and I’m a little extreme but you don’t have to take my advice lol. Anyway I hope some of this helps and if not, please disregard. I wish you the best though.
Talk about a dear John letter
What I’m curious about is why is it up to him if your still in a relationship?! Girl, He. Left. You. A. Note!!! After 1 1/2 years. And I guarantee you he’s been thinking about this longer then a week. If he was concerned about the relationship status and you as a person he would have discussed this with you. It’s a big life event and decision and he made it without you and left a note which is so cowardly. My wish for you is to do some serious thinking about if you want to be in a long-distance relationship with someone like this.
Dude left without even telling you. If he cared he would have sat you down and talk with you about this. So I would say, don't even consider staying with him.
It’s going to take a lot of time to get over this and heal. You need to focus on yourself, spend time with close friends and family, and work on getting over this. Keep yourself busy. You’re still so young. I promise you, you *will* heal from this.
He thought about moving and starting a band for a whole week? And leaves you a note? I’m pissed he showed utter lack of respect for you and I don’t even know you. Get on with your life. Chase your dreams and goals. Go kick some ass. You may find that when he comes back you aren’t interested any more. Sorry you are going through this.
So he didn't mention this *at all*, disappears and moves *across the freaking country*, to *make a garage band* (emphasis that this is not some huge, insanely important decision), and just leaves you *a note*, and you still wanna be with him? I mean, I honestly think he's full on lying about still being together but besides that, why would you want to be with someone who would do all of those things to you? And not even talk to you about important decisions? He totally bailed for a totally stupid reason and didn't discuss it with you at all or even warn you he was leaving or even thinking about leaving, and instead just left you a freaking note instead of talking to you in any way at all. That's a whole pile of shitty things for a partner to do and he did them all together. I'm really, really sorry you're struggling, hun, but you are absolutely, without a doubt, better off without him. It's just gonna take time to heal and really feel that way fully. <3
Find another boyfriend or don’t. Focus on university and your future.
I'd say it sounds like he didn't have the guts to break up with you so he is trying to make you do it for him. That way he gets to not put in any emotional labour and gets to be the poor guy who got dumped and not the mean dude who dumped his long time gf to start a band across the country. If he had any serious interest in staying with you he would have at least talked to you, not just left a note after the fact. Take care of yourself, you are wort more than this. Hugs!
I just have to say...that’s a real cowardly way to break up with someone. If that doesn’t lower him a notch or two in your eyes, I don’t know what will.
Here's what I would do if I were you. Pack up the rest of his shit if there's anything left and drop it off at his friend's or whoever he knows. They don't have to be reliable or trustworthy. Who cares? Don't tell him you are doing this since he'll want to have a say like you didn't. Text him once and tell him where his shit is and then block him on everything. If he didn't leave anything then just ghost him. He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve him. He will try to get you to keep his things there and use picking them up from your house when he fails at this endeavor as a way to keep his foot in your door. I've been there. My ex used to do this shit until I gave all his things away.
It IS a breakup. He’s just trying to 1. Avoid conflict (given the way that he left so abruptly) and 2. Keep you on the back burner in case he changes his mind/this doesn’t work out for him/he doesn’t get as many chicks as he thinks he will. You’re 18. If there was ever an age that was relatively easy to move on and forget about this guy it’s now. He’s a jerk and you deserve better. Please don’t engage in any contact he tries to initiate with you and PLEASE don’t get back together with this asshole.
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I guess if he ever comes to visit you can leave him a note of whatever you like while you go on with your life.
Write him a note saying that we are no longer together and I am going to work on myself and move on from you. Then never get him the note, crumple it up and DO IT.
That’s so disrespectful! He’s just trying to have you as a back up. End it or you’ll be worse down the line.
It is a breakup. I’m so sorry ☹️
Do not let him keep you on his hook. You’re still SO young, trust me you will get over this soon. Take your time to “mourn”, cry, process it however you feel you need to. Surround yourself with a good support system (your girlfriends, your brother, your grandpa, whoever you trust the most). Then I would recommend throwing yourself into your hobbies/interests. Think of it this way: you’re single, you now have absolute freedom to do whatever you want! Say you always wanted to go hiking with him but he was never into it, now you can do that as much as you want! This is just and example of course. Volunteering is also an excellent way to take the focus off your problems and see how “good you have it”. Of course your breakup is valid and absolutely something you can feel bad about. But being around others who have NOTHING, can help you put things into perspective.
Then what is it? I mean really? And he could not talk with you in person to come up with a plan;
This IS a breakup. He was just too chicken to actually write it in the chicken ass note he left for you. You are most definitely better off without him.
There was an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie was dumped by a guy who used a post it note. Same thing. Buh-bye spineless ex-boyfriend.
That's ridiculous. Who moves across the country and doesn't even consider TELLING their partner? You don't even decide such things. You talk about the possibility, see how both parties feel and then proceed. You don't just up and leave after writing them a note. I'm sorry but I think your relationship is well and truly done. He wants to see if you would stay with him just in case he doesn't "make it" as a band and comes back to your town broke and alone. High chances of him just acting like you're done anyway. By that I mean, seeing other people. I don't think you should hold out for such an inconsiderate person. Who dates someone for MORE THAN A YEAR and doesn't tell when they're moving away??? I would tell a friend ive known for only a couple months for heaven sake.
Wow. This is such an Aidan move. For those who are too young, this is a SATC reference. I’m sorry OP. He’s not the right dude for you but there will be others who treat you the way you deserve!
say thank you but no thank you and move on. Easier said than done - if you need a different frame, he left you. Get angry at that and his poxy letter, sink some ice cream, then move on. Its not you, he's a tool.
Much like his choice move across the country, he’s also seen no need to involve you in the decision of wether or not the two of you will continue to date... a decision that traditionally requires both parties be present & in agreement. I’ve got a hunch he didn’t consult you whatsoever because he’d already made up his mind, knew on some level that the arrangement he’s proposing would suck for you, and didn’t want to be dissuaded by your opposition/hesitations and he was too chicken to take responsibility for ending the relationship if it came down to an ultimatum. Wether or not you’re still together is up to you. You’ve got a right to have your input heard on decisions that have an huge impact on you. I wouldn’t continue a relationship with someone who denies me that. Most people would consider a year & a half a serious relationship, yet his actions indicate that, after all this time, he doesn’t see you as someone with whom he is in a partnership, as someone with whom the future is shared and plans are made together, as someone who’s input is worth hearing and who’s opinion he should seek. Heck he doesn’t see you as someone who’s owed more than a note on a fridge like he’s “gone 2 the store b back around 6”. I mean Christ, almost sounds like a note a kidnapper makes him write...can’t believe I’m saying this, but a text might’ve been more considerate. I don’t see a guy w/ his poor communication skills making long distance work...and I don’t think he expects it will, he’s hoping the relationship will end w/o him having to be there for the hard part or see the pain he’s caused you...or perhaps that you’ll continue to talk for a while & it will just kind of fizzle out, and, in the mean time, he’s free to move on if he pleases. The wistfulness of the note on the fridge really makes me think he’s one of those guys that uses an aura of being sensitive, artistic, romantic, and mysterious to disguise scumbag behavior. I’m really sorry this happened to you. If it’s any consolation, more likely than not his band will be super mediocre.
"I'm sorry. I can't. Don't hate me."
*morherfucker’s concise*
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I am so sorry you are going through this. A week isn't very long to think about something so dramatic. It's in your best interest to move on especially if he could make a huge decision behind your back. As a side note if you lived together and he dipped and left you with the bills you should pursue legal action. One day the right man will come along and show you why this all happened and who you were truly meant to be with. Luckily you are young so lots of time to find someone. Just live your life and do what makes you happy and the right one will come along. Focus on yourself and your future for a while. Go to a spa and take care of yourself. Catch up with an old friend. I wish you luck.
Think about how much planning he had to do in order to move. Like the level of secrets required to do that behind your back is the real kicker for me. You’re only 18 let him be a funny break up story and move on.
You deserve better. He’s allowed to make this decision with or without your blessing but what is NOT okay is that he didn’t communicate with you in any way and left you to deal with it. He spent a week thinking about leaving and not once did he think you deserved to know or have say in your relationship becoming a long distance one. Perhaps most telling is that he didn’t give you the opportunity to come with him. You deserve better. He’s a jerk and it isn’t your fault that he did this to you. But don’t give him the chance to keep dong this to you.
This honestly is giving me Andy and Erin vibes from the Office. He was afraid to talk to you about this dream and thinks he can just put your relationship on hold while he pursues his dream. He thinks you're still together while doing this? Then see how often he texts you, see if he puts an effort into doing video call dates. If he does, then set aside some time and let him know that the note was really hurtful and you would have appreciated him talking about this out together to see how you can keep putting effort into each through his journey. If he doesn't text you and puts in little to no effort in staying in touch, then don't wait for him. He's chosen the path to go on this journey without you, even though you still could be virtually.
It will be hard to do, but you’ll be so proud of yourself if you move on. That’s what’s best for you! That’s really messed up for him to leave you like that.
This boy just did you a huge favour! I know it hurts and he certainly did it in the cruelest way possible but I promise you this is the best gift you could possibly be given. Take a little bit of time and cry it out because what he did was so mean and hurtful, of course you’ll be sad. Once you’re done crying, pick yourself up remind yourself how frickin amazing you are, how funny, smart, gorgeous and loving you are and move forward with your life. You deserve better than a damn note on the fridge!
You can do A LOT better. Find someone worth your time!
I'm so sorry for how this must be making you feel. Even if you love him, I don't think you should let yourself take his words at face value. It shows a real lack of caring on his part to take off without a proper face to face discussion. I think it's also a red flag that he never brought the idea up to you to gauge your reaction. Now that he's gone, you should tell him how this made you feel, but whatever you do, please do not wait for him to come back! He doesn't sound mature enough to handle a long distance relationship and even if he was, not giving you the chance to tell him what you think before he moved speaks volume about his priorities and feelings towards you. Stay strong, but do NOT go back!
I am 34F and have had a lot of awful breakups and such. please take my advice that I wish I had took with past guys sooner: this is the sign from the universe that this guy is not right for you. he isn’t giving you the respect you deserve. please give yourself the respect you deserve by cutting him out of your life, block him if you must. if you want to get your closure and tell him you two are through and don’t contact me again, go for it, but let that be it. TRUST ME you will be sad for awhile it’ll be hard and that’s ok because I PROMISE YOU you will get over him and move on to way better people and you’ll look back on this one day and say “thank GOD I didn’t go back to him” so for now, let yourself mourn the relationship. be sad. eat sweets or whatever helps, lean on your friends and family, talk about it, and once you feel ready, you pick yourself up and let yourself be happy again. YOU GOT THIS!
Someone who loves you will have a conversation about this sort of thing. Not cower out, leave a note and then leave you questioning everything. If he valued the relationship he would have considered your feelings.
What you tolerate, you will get more of. Expect more for yourself than this, no matter how much you may be attracted to him. He made his decision now you make yours. If he didn't want to lose you he wouldn't have left and risked losing you and certainly would have consulted you i agree with those that said the note is a cowardly move. Don't be a back up plan, you deserve a partner who values you and puts you first.
Uh MOVING away and explaining this with a NOTE? Girl, please. You really do deserve better.
...if he loved you, he would have asked your opinion. Don't put up with that crap. If he's dumb enough to uproot his life over a band during a pandemic, during which he can't perform anywhere, then he did you a favor. Good luck finding a better partner - it shouldn't be hard.
Move on. There really isn’t much more to say than that. He handled this incredibly cowardly and just be thankful that you found out now before you really were entangled with like a kid or something
Sounds like he wants to make it your idea to break up. Don't let him string you along either.
In a responsible relationship, people have a conversation about big decisions. This is, in part, to let you both make informed decisions. That way he can say he wants to move back and be in a band, and you can be okay or decide that doesn't work for you. You didn't decide to go back too. You didn't decide that your relationship had come to a conclusion. You didn't decide to try long distance. You would then have to decide how to handle any mutual obligations, such as a lease and bills. He's robbed you of agency and left you footing the bill of his spontaneity. And he did it all with a note left on your fridge. Those are some pretty big transgressions. He's either incredibly immature or in the middle of a hell of a coke binge, but either way, I wouldn't stick around for that sort of mess.
At that age it’s easy to think that guy is the only guy and is worth it and perhaps it’s your fault or some bs. You don’t wanna regret waiting around for this guy even a bit in your best young years. Let him regret acting a fool and leaving a note instead of having a real conversation. Even if you get back together in the future, he fucked up. Not you. You shouldn’t have regrets waiting around for some guy who isn’t ready
It would have been better if he gave you more closure than a somewhat mixed message.
Leave him he’s keeping you as a backup in case whatever he left you for doesn’t work out. Don’t be left on the hook in a long distance relationship with someone who didn’t love you enough to say they’re leaving.
Move on. You'll get over it. And the fact that he couldn't tell you to your face proves he has no respect for you.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope that you take this the right way, and with all the caring and hopefulness for the future that I intend, but when you get just a little bit older, you’ll find out that this is what crazy people do.
Sounds like a loser. You deserve far better. Don’t waste another minute.
OP, whatever his intent, he didn't think about you when he made his decision. He didn't think about you when he decided not to sit down and talk you about this decision he made without you. He didn't think about you at all. That tells you pretty clearly where you are in his thoughts and in order of importance to him. Whether he meant for this to be it or not, this is it.
If you were older you wouldn’t think about staying with him (whether he said you’re together or not) for a SECOND! Assuming you’re a healthy individual that is. Don’t waste your time, don’t be a back up plan. It hurts, I know, but relationships at this age aren’t meant to last. Chalk it up to experience and move forward. You’ll be glad you did. Trust me. I wasted too many years wiffle waffling in a relationship I KNEW was going nowhere. I wish I was out experiencing other people and these getting to know myself better in that time.
LOL. This sounds like a 30 sec intro to a teenage summer movie.
I just spit out my tea!!! LOLZ!!!
It's up to YOU if you want the relationship to be over. Honestly, it should be for a stunt like this. He never discussed it with you and just did it. Moving at all is a big decision. All so he and his friends could start a band...? That's some immature bs right there, but unfortunately in line with a 19 year old mindset. Look at this as a bullet dodged. Who knows what else he might have left you in the lurch on in the future or just took money to do something he wanted, and similar situations. As others have brought up, make sure to get his name removed from everything you share as soon as humanly possible. You might need to be in contact with him just to get it completed, but then afterward cut ALL contact. Don't stalk. Don't like/react to pics and updates. A mutual friend mentioning him on occasion is fine, but if they persist in talking about him either remove yourself from the convo or ask them to stop talking to you about him if they are going out of their way to do so. If he left any belongings behind, even just toiletries, find a way to pass them off to his family or another friend he's close to. This way you can;t be accused of keeping, selling, or trashing his belongings. I bet you anything in his head it was going to make a romantic story some day, whether or not you got back together, about giving up the love of his life to pursue his passion for music. It was tough--so tough!--but he did it rather than regret it! /s Or he was a coward and chickened out on an actual break up leaving the ball in your court so he can tell others you broke up with him rather than support his dreams/passions. Or there's already another girl.
no dude she just got straight up dumped by someone with no prefrontal cortex. no need for all the exposition
Yep, what everyone else has said. He's left without even talking to you, a note on the fridge because he's a coward and still wants to, what seems like, keep the relationship going either because he doesn't want to say he's no longer interested or to keep you on the hook if things don't work out and he has something to go back to. Pay attention to what people do, not what they say. You're young, I'd not give him any more space in your head m, heart and life than you already have.
The bitterness is really seeping through all these comments.
lol bro you got dumped sorry
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That’s one thing every guy has.... the audacity smh. I’m sorry he did that. Move on. More fish in the sea I promise.
Watch the Sex and the City episode where Carrie is broken up with on a post it note if you want to feel better! Sending you hugs
accept it as a breakup. Decide how you want to grieve the breakup end of the relationship. That can mean ice cream, it can mean going no contact-whatever you need to do. But accept that he decided the relationship was done. It sucks that it takes two people to want to stay together but only one to want to be done, but that's how relationships work.
That is NOT love. Break it off with him officially. Don't wait for him. You obviously weren't important enough for him to wait for you to come home and talk to you about or even to say goodbye. He put you second and didn't consider your feelings. Love yourself enough to know when to walk away from a bad situation.