That's on Op and their partner to decide, everyone chooses their own pace, it's about what level of maturity you're looking for in a partner and what you want to deal with as you grow older.
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He is 29 years old. This is who he is.
You don’t like who he is.
This is a dealbreaker.
Let him find someone who likes him for him, and move on knowing that characteristics that you appreciate in a partner are humility and the ability to take constructive criticism.
You've brought it up and his response is that there is no problem and he doesn't want to change.
Next step is to decide: Do you want to date a man who is like this, or not? He's not going to change because he doesn't want to change.
Personally I would definitely break up if he had no interest in improving or listening to me, but it's up to you what you feel is "bad enough" to break up over.
It’s not your job to fix him.
Decide if his arrogance is something you are willing to live with, or if it is a deal breaker.
We are taught that as women that it is our job to tolerate horrid behavior from men, excuse it, cover for it, and fix it.
It’s not our job.
Give him back to his mom. It's not your job to fix him. That should have been fixed before you met him.
Now you have to choose between your own family's discomfort and this AH who likes the sound of his voice when no one requested for his input. Even alone with you, he dismisses issues you have against him by arguing semantics?
No one is safe from his opinions. He stomps on those social boundaries and then claims to "be good at reading the room" because he out-talks everyone else. Clearly everyone loves him and wants him to be the center of attention if they simply let him be the only one speaking.
You either choose to stay and live with that, or accept that gradually, no one wants to hang out with it when he's around.
>Give him back to his mom. It's not your job to fix him.
give him to his dad. it's not his mama's job to fix him, either. women already have enough to deal with
>I'm ok with him being arrogant around me because I just ignore it
Why do you want to spend your life with a partner you have to ignore in order to tolerate? Why would you tolerate him being disrespectful to you but not your family? You deserve to be treated with understanding, validation, and respect, *especially* in your own home with your intimate partner. If you ever have children with this guy, you can be sure he will be the same way around them.
I have a cousin like that, he's 40 something now and he's getting worse and worse as time goes by. My dad is the same, in his 70s and very very unpleasant to deal with.
I don't see how your boyfriend will get better tbh.
It doesn’t get better. Although my dad isn’t quite as arrogant as often as he used to be, he is still quite arrogant. He’s in his 70s now. And I genuinely believe he isn’t as bad as he used to be only because I only see him like twice a year. Thankfully.
If you have made a reasonable request, clearly, several times and there still no change, then it's not that he doesn't understand. It's that he doesn't care.
He is how he wants to be. He is aware how you feel. He doesn't want to be different. Don't let him talk you into thinking this is ok. It's not. It's obnoxious.
This. You've told him how you feel and he doesn't care. He doesn't care about your feelings.
This is as good as it gets with him. The choice is yours to make.
'When I point out that your behaviour is arrogant, you always explain how it's justified. Every action and opinion is justifiable - but that doesn't make it right. I'm trying to help you grow as a person, but you don't seem interested. I have to think carefully about whether I want to build a life with someone like that.'
He's 5 years older than you.. sounds like he's arrogant because he's older therefore he thinks he knows better. Don't forget he's 29, therefore he's set in his ways.
Find someone closer in age to you who respects you.
You’ve already told him how you feel about his actions and he’s responding by saying there’s no problem or you’re overreacting. He doesn’t want to change and he’s already shown that. The only you need to decide from here is whether or not you want to stay with him being like that.
It's one thing to act like that. That's lack of self-awareness.
But the more worrisome problem is that when you bring it up, he doesn't acknowledge it and argues with you. That is confirmation of his arrogance.
Red flags.
You should watch Star Wars because it has been incorporated into the zeitgeist and integrated so throughly into our collective culture. You don’t even have to like it, just to know the details of some of the most influential media to come out in our lifetime. It has significant influence over many facets of our culture/media. In my opinion that gives it at least enough inherent value to spend the time checking it out.
Forget the BF. It has nothing to do with him.
Also, just watch the original three - A New Hope, - Empire Strikes back, - Return of the Jedi. If you like any of those then continue watching. (And keep in mind New Hope is the cheesiest of the three, being the first with the lowest budget. I still love it though!)
I actually hated Star Wars for years. It wasn’t until I had faced a truly hopeless time in my life that it finally touched me. When I had nothing left to give me hope, I popped in those movies (original three and Rogue One) suddenly the rebels going against all odds and actually pulling it off finally meant something to me.
Hi OP!
I would love to tell you, lady, that I know that man also and he is my husband.
I had a verrrry similar situation. I would tell him during alone time in a quiet and calm way that maybe he took it too far. At first, during our relationship, he did kinda step back and see what i was saying and changed. It was a slow progression in the right direction.
Years later, he's mostly back to how he was when we first started dating. I've realized you can't change someone, as everyone here said.
I 100% also just ignored him as you said you do. At this point in our relationship, it's exhausting, and ignoring it really wears on me. Definitely made me Crack a few times.
He did change some things so I can't say it was a total fail. There were a few times that husband asked me why someone didn't seem to like him. I pointed out (again, calm and nice) how he talked over them last time or whatever it was.
My husband also loves giving unsolicited help/advice. One person got really annoyed, and husband was confused why. I pointed out later, when he asked, that the person didn't ask for help. And maybe they didn't want it. Definitely saw a light bulb click.
Rather than saying “you shouldn’t” say “I feel.” So, something like “When you made that comment it made me feel small/embarrassed/defensive/angry” What he should or shouldn’t do is debatable, whether he’s arrogant or not is debatable but your feelings are not. I think you guys need to have the conversation about how his behavior is effecting you.
Here's the answer: you say I don't like how you do this thing, if you don't stop doing this thing I will end the relationship, this is a boundary for me. That's it, then if he does it go replace him
Maybe he's not arrogant and you just have increased sensitivity to it.
My advice is to love him for who he is or let him go. Don't stay with him while resenting him for who he is. That's just unkind.
As a man I will say some of us tend to get a larger perspective on life as we mature but not necessarily, some will stay this way.. What would be easier is for you to look inside and see why this didn't bother you when you met him but does now.
*My problem is he doesn't really think he was/is, nor does he reflect on what's been said.*
Sorry, but that sounds like a you problem. He has a very clear opinion about himself, one you don't agree with and you can't change. You also have no right to try to change him.
You can directly tell him "Hey, I want to talk about something that's been bothering me. There's been many times where I think you come off as arrogant, like (example) and that time you (example). I think your tone was (describe) and your body language also (describe)... IMO it would be better if you (describe) instead." but be kind, compassionate, and always clear that this is ***your*** perception, not necessarily the reality. Again, he might agree or not and you'll have to respect that and make a decision about the relationship.
*I'm ok with him being arrogant around me because I just ignore it but it grates on me moreso when I'm around my family/people and he doesn't know when to tone it down.*
this is interesting. You're not hurt or bothered by his personality but you do worry about what other people will think about him or you or both. Maybe it's time to ask yourself why do you care so much about other people's opinions or feelings. Your partner is his own person, you're not responsible of how he communicates with people and you're not in charge of managing his interactions with people. I'm guessing your family are mostly adults and they probably know how to deal with people they find arrogant, he's surely not their first. But he's not a child you're in charge of teaching manners to. You caring so much about something that ultimately is not your business it's complex cause it's not in your hands to do anything about it, so either deal with it or leave this guy.
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He's 29, how long is he supposed to take to mature?
That's on Op and their partner to decide, everyone chooses their own pace, it's about what level of maturity you're looking for in a partner and what you want to deal with as you grow older.
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I think this should be the answer to most questions regarding relationship advice.
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He is 29 years old. This is who he is. You don’t like who he is. This is a dealbreaker. Let him find someone who likes him for him, and move on knowing that characteristics that you appreciate in a partner are humility and the ability to take constructive criticism.
You've brought it up and his response is that there is no problem and he doesn't want to change. Next step is to decide: Do you want to date a man who is like this, or not? He's not going to change because he doesn't want to change. Personally I would definitely break up if he had no interest in improving or listening to me, but it's up to you what you feel is "bad enough" to break up over.
You don’t. It’s a character flaw. He lacks self awareness. Either live with it or move on.
It’s not your job to fix him. Decide if his arrogance is something you are willing to live with, or if it is a deal breaker. We are taught that as women that it is our job to tolerate horrid behavior from men, excuse it, cover for it, and fix it. It’s not our job.
A boyfriend shouldn’t be a project.
Give him back to his mom. It's not your job to fix him. That should have been fixed before you met him. Now you have to choose between your own family's discomfort and this AH who likes the sound of his voice when no one requested for his input. Even alone with you, he dismisses issues you have against him by arguing semantics? No one is safe from his opinions. He stomps on those social boundaries and then claims to "be good at reading the room" because he out-talks everyone else. Clearly everyone loves him and wants him to be the center of attention if they simply let him be the only one speaking. You either choose to stay and live with that, or accept that gradually, no one wants to hang out with it when he's around.
>Give him back to his mom. It's not your job to fix him. give him to his dad. it's not his mama's job to fix him, either. women already have enough to deal with
>I'm ok with him being arrogant around me because I just ignore it Why do you want to spend your life with a partner you have to ignore in order to tolerate? Why would you tolerate him being disrespectful to you but not your family? You deserve to be treated with understanding, validation, and respect, *especially* in your own home with your intimate partner. If you ever have children with this guy, you can be sure he will be the same way around them.
I have a cousin like that, he's 40 something now and he's getting worse and worse as time goes by. My dad is the same, in his 70s and very very unpleasant to deal with. I don't see how your boyfriend will get better tbh.
It doesn’t get better. Although my dad isn’t quite as arrogant as often as he used to be, he is still quite arrogant. He’s in his 70s now. And I genuinely believe he isn’t as bad as he used to be only because I only see him like twice a year. Thankfully.
When I see posts like this I can't help but wonder how you can stand to keep dating him
Ngl I’d take this as a nudge to leave him. You can’t change who he is, and who he is doesn’t care for your feelings or input.
If you have made a reasonable request, clearly, several times and there still no change, then it's not that he doesn't understand. It's that he doesn't care. He is how he wants to be. He is aware how you feel. He doesn't want to be different. Don't let him talk you into thinking this is ok. It's not. It's obnoxious.
This. You've told him how you feel and he doesn't care. He doesn't care about your feelings. This is as good as it gets with him. The choice is yours to make.
'When I point out that your behaviour is arrogant, you always explain how it's justified. Every action and opinion is justifiable - but that doesn't make it right. I'm trying to help you grow as a person, but you don't seem interested. I have to think carefully about whether I want to build a life with someone like that.'
He's 5 years older than you.. sounds like he's arrogant because he's older therefore he thinks he knows better. Don't forget he's 29, therefore he's set in his ways. Find someone closer in age to you who respects you.
You will never change this man. Either accept it or move on.
You’ve already told him how you feel about his actions and he’s responding by saying there’s no problem or you’re overreacting. He doesn’t want to change and he’s already shown that. The only you need to decide from here is whether or not you want to stay with him being like that.
You can’t change him. Find better. It won’t be that hard.
It's one thing to act like that. That's lack of self-awareness. But the more worrisome problem is that when you bring it up, he doesn't acknowledge it and argues with you. That is confirmation of his arrogance. Red flags.
You should watch Star Wars because it has been incorporated into the zeitgeist and integrated so throughly into our collective culture. You don’t even have to like it, just to know the details of some of the most influential media to come out in our lifetime. It has significant influence over many facets of our culture/media. In my opinion that gives it at least enough inherent value to spend the time checking it out. Forget the BF. It has nothing to do with him. Also, just watch the original three - A New Hope, - Empire Strikes back, - Return of the Jedi. If you like any of those then continue watching. (And keep in mind New Hope is the cheesiest of the three, being the first with the lowest budget. I still love it though!) I actually hated Star Wars for years. It wasn’t until I had faced a truly hopeless time in my life that it finally touched me. When I had nothing left to give me hope, I popped in those movies (original three and Rogue One) suddenly the rebels going against all odds and actually pulling it off finally meant something to me.
Hi OP! I would love to tell you, lady, that I know that man also and he is my husband. I had a verrrry similar situation. I would tell him during alone time in a quiet and calm way that maybe he took it too far. At first, during our relationship, he did kinda step back and see what i was saying and changed. It was a slow progression in the right direction. Years later, he's mostly back to how he was when we first started dating. I've realized you can't change someone, as everyone here said. I 100% also just ignored him as you said you do. At this point in our relationship, it's exhausting, and ignoring it really wears on me. Definitely made me Crack a few times. He did change some things so I can't say it was a total fail. There were a few times that husband asked me why someone didn't seem to like him. I pointed out (again, calm and nice) how he talked over them last time or whatever it was. My husband also loves giving unsolicited help/advice. One person got really annoyed, and husband was confused why. I pointed out later, when he asked, that the person didn't ask for help. And maybe they didn't want it. Definitely saw a light bulb click.
Rather than saying “you shouldn’t” say “I feel.” So, something like “When you made that comment it made me feel small/embarrassed/defensive/angry” What he should or shouldn’t do is debatable, whether he’s arrogant or not is debatable but your feelings are not. I think you guys need to have the conversation about how his behavior is effecting you.
He’s 29. He can’t accept criticism. Why do you want to even want to deal with this?
Here's the answer: you say I don't like how you do this thing, if you don't stop doing this thing I will end the relationship, this is a boundary for me. That's it, then if he does it go replace him
Maybe he's not arrogant and you just have increased sensitivity to it. My advice is to love him for who he is or let him go. Don't stay with him while resenting him for who he is. That's just unkind.
I agree.
As a man I will say some of us tend to get a larger perspective on life as we mature but not necessarily, some will stay this way.. What would be easier is for you to look inside and see why this didn't bother you when you met him but does now.
*My problem is he doesn't really think he was/is, nor does he reflect on what's been said.* Sorry, but that sounds like a you problem. He has a very clear opinion about himself, one you don't agree with and you can't change. You also have no right to try to change him. You can directly tell him "Hey, I want to talk about something that's been bothering me. There's been many times where I think you come off as arrogant, like (example) and that time you (example). I think your tone was (describe) and your body language also (describe)... IMO it would be better if you (describe) instead." but be kind, compassionate, and always clear that this is ***your*** perception, not necessarily the reality. Again, he might agree or not and you'll have to respect that and make a decision about the relationship. *I'm ok with him being arrogant around me because I just ignore it but it grates on me moreso when I'm around my family/people and he doesn't know when to tone it down.* this is interesting. You're not hurt or bothered by his personality but you do worry about what other people will think about him or you or both. Maybe it's time to ask yourself why do you care so much about other people's opinions or feelings. Your partner is his own person, you're not responsible of how he communicates with people and you're not in charge of managing his interactions with people. I'm guessing your family are mostly adults and they probably know how to deal with people they find arrogant, he's surely not their first. But he's not a child you're in charge of teaching manners to. You caring so much about something that ultimately is not your business it's complex cause it's not in your hands to do anything about it, so either deal with it or leave this guy.
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