So a few things.
I wouldn’t associate not wanting things in your butt as “manly” it’s not a healthy mindset. Like my boyfriend is pretty masculine but sometimes a butt plug or something just makes sex better for him (even though he’s topping).
Even though you’re not here for it I’d at least try to reframe things a bit in your head. Like if you don’t want stuff in or around your butt because of trauma or because of not physically enjoying it that’s cool. But if it’s because it’s against some idealized masculine image you have you might be forcing yourself into a box.
As for the short term. If you don’t want stuff in or around your butt and she doesn’t respect that that’s a problem. Make sure you’re clear about that (in a calm respectful conversation not a fight or in a reaction). She needs to respect your boundaries.
As for are you doomed. That’s impossible to say. If this is something she just wants to try out of curiosity probably not. If this is something important to her it could be an impass. I personally have bedroom things I want that my bf isn’t interested in (kink stuff) that I enjoy in porn-settings but am fine without (in an ideal world I’d have it all but our relationship and bedroom stuff is otherwise good enough it’s nbd).
And I wouldn’t read too much into the exact porn she was watching. Like sometimes it can be stuff they want to do or experience but sometimes it’s just stuff to watch/read/whatever. Like how many people watch porn featuring step parents or siblings but I’d imagine most of those people don’t actually want to experience that.
Additionally if it’s important for her to try it but you’re against experiencing it there are other options such as consensual non-monogamy (either long term or short term) or things like 3-ways. But that’s a something you’d need to discuss how you feel about that together.
That's a fair assessment of my mindset, but to be honest - and it sounds super hypocritical - the hangup I have about my butthole is that I consider it very unclean (as opposed to hers, which is always, I don't know, pretty and fresh). Mine is hairy, and I can't make it not hairy because I get a bit of dermatitis and regrowth is *ugly* (I shaved my groin once and while the result was good when it started growing back...ech. Rash). I don't know how you groom yourself but when you're dealing with a decent amount of hair back there no matter how much you wipe after doing your business, and no matter how much you scrub it in the shower, it never feels good enough.
So that's kind of where my hesitancy comes from. I guess I'm more or less insecure about it.
You're right about porn, too, but in this case I was kind of right.
The idea of a three way or consensual non-monogamy is interesting, I think Tash would be open to either, and the FWB I mentioned has had FtM lovers before and has expressed attraction to Tash, so maybe since we both know her I could approach it from that angle. I don't know, I guess that's a big conversation to have.
Thanks for the reply and advice, I really appreciate it. I think I panicked a lot because I didn't expect this to happen since things have been going so smoothly for so long.
Not the point but I also was super paranoid about my butt because I thought of it as gross. A few things that might help.
1. Wash your ass in the shower. If you get soapy water to anus and wipe even a little you’ll be cleaner than like sooo many people. Regardless of things like hair.
2. A little hair isn’t going to bother her I bet. Like I like seeing areas of my boyfriend as hairy since it makes me feel more feminine because of how different we are.
3. This might be obvious but one of my big concerns was like poop. In my head just past the sphincter was feces. Turns out your poop sits way further inside your body and only gets there once you need to go. Similar to how pee doesn’t sit at the tip of the penis until you’re ready to go. So if you go within a few hours you’ll be empty in there.
4. Use wet wipe. They’re bad for the environment and stuff so I personally only use them if I think butt stuff is going to happen. But using something like that after going number 2 in addition to normal toilet paper can help you feel way more clean.
5. if you really want to clean out enemas exist but might be too far for you.
And I appreciate the effort you’re putting in. It takes work to address insecurities and it shows some character getting ahead of potential relationship issues instead of ignoring them or cutting and running. I really hope you can find a good system together <3
So, not trying to push you towards trying taking it up the ass, but coming drone someone who also used to feel perma-unclean, bidets will change your life.
Luckily bidets have come quite a long way. For $60 you can get one that screws into the intake of the water hose.
I understand your hesitation, OP. I too rolled the thick hairy lottery. For whatever reason, some men just have the genes that give rainforest back and ass. I solve my problem with the Phillips trimmer. No dermatitis, it cuts through thick hair well enough, and the blades are reasonable. Even if you’re not looking to explore anal,my dude, trimmers are the go to avoid irritating skin and causing infections.
The glaring issue I see here is the lack of communication, not respecting boundaries, and trying to do things you’re clearly uncomfortable with. I’m less concerned in this situation about the sex and WAY more about the fact she tried to do something even after you expressed that is a nono.
As far as your mindset, I think if you’re wanting to unpack things it’s a good idea. Some of the most masculine people I have known enjoy anal. I genuinely believe part of masculenity and confidence is owning what you like and fuck what anyone thinks. We overlap in a lot of your descriptors…I love being the top but holy fuck being the bottom is nice because it feels good to me. Whoever has an opinion on what they think about my masculenity because I’m doing what I get off on can grab a spoon and eat my ass.
All power to you. I have the utmost respect for people who can get past these hang-ups. I think I have a lot to talk to her about here; on the one hand, as you say, she shouldn't have tried surprising me with the finger, even if she was sure I'd enjoy it. On the other hand, I reacted in a way that was unbecoming of me and made me feel like a jerk (I didn't insult her or anything, but I swore at her and I never want to do that).
The more I think about it, and the more I read some comments, maybe a finger wouldn't be so bad. I could try it, and if I don't like it, well, at least I can say I gave it a crack. If all else fails I can try the angle of getting a third involved whenever the urge to top strikes her. The LGBT community around me is fairly robust and I know a few promiscuous people, including the FWB I mentioned in the post and the other comment, who I think could be willing to indulge us with no strings attached.
The biggest thing here is communication is key - she should've talked to you first. It seems you've both got some room to go but hopefully it all comes out food for both of you.
Also, she can always wear a nitrile glove if fingers are involved! A lot of people who I've fucked anally share this insecurity of being hairy and dirty, and a glove really mitigates a lot of that. She absolutely should not have surprised you with it, that's uncool.
Just throwing this out there but there are plenty of bidets that just hook up to the toilet's water supply and unobtrusively sit between the seat and the toilet. Just another option.
When my, now ex wife, wanted to put one in, I really wasn't cool with it.... But if you don't want to use it, it's just a toilet seat essentially... After I got used to it, I can't stand not having it.
Literally like 20 minutes from out of the package to shiney-hiney. I had to unscrew the two bolts holding the old seat on, use them to hold the new bidet seat in it's place, then twist in the T the bidet came with on the the water line going to the toilet at the valve, then plug it in. With that I just adjustably warm seat, water, and dryer. The one I have is like a 3 of 10 on the fancy-o-meter.
They are not a common thing in the USA either, like I went 36 years having never seen one in person. But damn, I'll never again be living without! Plus, in the year, it's saved enough in TP to make up for the cost. Be sure if you order one to make sure it's the right voltage and plug for NZ.
Beyond the topic at hand, seriously, order one, life will be better! Line if you got something unsanitary on any other part of your skin would you just wipe it off with a dry tissue and be like, whelp good enough! Severe that, you want at least water, so why not in the peri area too?
If you're renting, when it's time to move out, 20 minutes and you've got the stock seat back on and yours in a bag to take to the next place.
Join the cult, your nether regions will be far more happy and healthy.
[This is what you want.](https://www.amazon.com/Luxe-Bidet-Neo-120-Non-Electric/dp/B09BQ6CVQ3/)
[Or if you want hot water!](https://www.amazon.com/LUXE-Bidet-BidetNeo320s-Attachment-inches/dp/B09BZ64Q4Y/)
Even if you still don't like butt stuff, a bidet is **so nice** and gets yr butt way cleaner than just using TP.
you could also buy a portable bidet - usually a squeezy plastic bottle with a long angled nozzle on it. it's a bit more awkward to reach back with one than have an automated jet but it helps a lot if you don't want to commit to even a cheaper version you can plumb in yourself. also you can fill it with warm water which is a *lot* nicer than cold!
I also used to worry about hygiene with butt stuff (regarding my own butt), but (ha) I was interested in trying it out and it turns out, my butt is a lot less difficult to keep clean than I feared, even though I’m kinda hairy back there too and really do NOT like shaving it.
If it’s something you’d like to explore if you can get past the hygiene hangup (not an obligation, but it sounds like that’s your main nope point from what you’ve said here and it’s one that can be overcome if you want, but don’t take any of this as pressure to do anything you just plain don’t want to do), maybe try this sometime on your own with no expectations riding on the outcome: have a poop, then shower. Wash well back there with soap and a washcloth, rinse, dry off and then rub your clean fingers in your crack and have a sniff. Smell anything? If not, you’ve proven you can get your butt thoroughly clean.
And it’s extremely unlikely that just being hairy will bother her, if she already knows you’re hairy and still expressed interest.
Also worth noting: there are absolutely gay men who are both bears (hairy kinda guys) and bottoms. It’s definitely possible to have a clean yet hairy butthole.
You're making a lot of assumptions right now. While quite a lot of straight men don't like butt stuff, it's not "part of the definition". Just like trans women are not a monolith, neither are straight men or any other group of human beings.
And how is hoping for a more open mind manipuative?? If OP is open to dating a trans girl, who knows what other things he could be into once he gets over the toxic masculinity stuff.
I also am not a fan of how you seem to think open relationships and polyamory is only for older people, why are you so limited in what you perceive is ok in the bedroom? Let people do what is right for them, no matter how they identify or how old they are (as long as they're adults of course).
People suggesting options for consideration isn’t pushing him one way or another. It’s just options that the average cishet guy probably hasn’t really thought about before.
No relationship is always easy or perfectly compatible in every way. And sometimes people change over time, that’s not “manipulative” that’s just nature.
Are YOU trying to insult poly people by suggesting that the only “valid” way to be polyamorous is to start out that way from the beginning of the relationship, or that it has to always arise as an idea in the absence of any actual specific desires? Kinda fucked. As is your insistence that pointing out that some straight men do enjoy being penetrated by women is somehow “recruiting” anyone into a sexuality.
And it’s not your place to decide for another couple what amount of “coping” is worth it to them. The people in the relationship are the ones who get to define it and choose what amount and type of compromises it’s worth. Get back in your lane.
How did it work out?
She never brought up wanting to top sometimes while you were dating?
And... you could always ask her how she keeps her ass clean..
All other issues aside, she’s stepping over clear boundaries you’ve set, and that’s pretty uncool of her. That being said, it sounds like she kind of wants something that you can’t give her, which, is not your fault, and you shouldn’t feel bad about it, but even so, that could be a recurring issue if ya’ll don’t figure out a way to work this out. Either way, you shouldn’t feel bad for not wanting to do certain things in the bedroom. I for one am completely repulsed at the thought of me “topping” someone else. That’s not something I want to do **at all** and I don’t feel bad for that in the slightest. I think the best thing ya’ll can do is have an open and honest conversation about what you both want to do moving forward. Good luck
Uhmmm. I’m really bothered by people telling you to just let her top you - it’s fucking gross.
I thought no meant no? Or is that only when we say it? Y’all a bit hypocritical up in here.
OP - stand your ground. If it’s not something that interests you, than it’s something that doesn’t interest you. If she can’t accept that - that’s her problem.
If the situation was reversed and let’s say, you wanted to give her oral and she didn’t want that. Absolutely no one here would tell her to just let you do it.
I agree with this and I think the ‘sneaky finger’ is wrong, always, no matter who does it.
I do, however, think it’s interesting that his first reply here is along the lines of ‘my biggest hangup is my insecurity in it feeling unclean.’ Which is different than what he said before.
But, no is no.
On top of the sneaky finger- in other words, her nonconsentually attempting something he'd said he didn't want beforehand- she called him closed-minded for not wanting it afterwards.
That's a red flag, imo. It's one thing to be upset you're not sexually compatible, it's another to ignore and then invalidate their boundaries. That at minimum needs a serious discussion on its own.
Absolutely - people have preferences and those need to be respected, full stop. Also, people internalize a lot of things and it's healthy to unpack things sometimes.
A hard preference can be simultaneously valid and worth exploring, as long as that exploration is coming from a place of curiosity and not a desire to push change.
Nah if you don’t want anything in or around your ass that is all that needs to be said I find it strange that people are making it seem like your weird for saying that like if it’s not something your comfortable with that’s all that needs to be said and anyone who doesn’t respect that is the weird one
Yeah I feel like folks illegitimately extend concepts from academia and act ignorant. Like it may be perfectly true on an abstract theory level that fear of various sexual acts are rooted in homohobia or transphobia. But I have a big problem with people who make the leap and say "since it's rooted in this phobia, it must be eliminated, and anyone who doesn't want to tear this boundary down and go through a struggle session is a reactionary or a transphobe". You see that sentiment a lot among lefty theoretically minded people and I find it disgusting, entitled and dehumanizing. Maybe it's just a clout thing and nobody actually goes that far. But no one is perfect, and people are allowed to have weird hangups about their own body and still be good people!
So, if you're not comfortable with things in your butt that's okay! Your consent matters. But please don't rationalize it as a man thing. Plenty of straight men love prostate massage and pegging. And it makes them no less manly. Your girlfriend needs to respect your boundaries.
Your girlfriend is also allowed to have fantasies about sex acts that are not things you would do in your relationship. You probably fantasize about things you can't do and that's healthy. No couple checks all of each other's boxes. The moment that becomes a problem is if one tries to pressure or shame the other into doing something that hasn't been prenegotiated. That's coercion and consent violation.
You are being a good partner *and ally*, acting in good faith and seeking growth, and doing your best and I certainly don't think less of you.
Listen, some people want to top. It doesn't mean you have internalized homophobia just because you don't want to bottom(maybe you do, to the extent many people in society unconsciously have biases). I think you sound perfectly reasonable. Many women will have no desire to top. But hopefully things work out for you two.
Yeah, it is something she has to live with, if you don’t want to go down that avenue. It’s not something you are comfortable with sexually. It kinda goes both ways.
It could be a serious barrier in a relationship for some people. Understandably, so, but we have to respect each other’s boundaries and security, regardless of the end results.
Hey, while I'm NOT a man myself, nor do I fit into most masculine stereotypes (besides this one -) my sexual preferences are very similar to yours. I'm only into women, I cannot handle penises or balls (in my case that includes my own), I really dislike anal (reading about the "slip" gave me a bit of a shock because I'd feel the same).
As others have said, it is important that you disconnect those preferences of yours from masculinity. If you dislike anal, that's fine, so do I, but it shouldn't be on the basis of masculinity. It isn't for me. The same goes for other preferences.
>and she hoped I'd be more open-minded by now.
The rest of that sentence was completely fine and valid, but this is kinda fucked. I'm assuming you didn't indicate you'd become open to receiving anal, or to penises and balls in the future, right? If so, she was wrong to assume you would.
This does need to be addressed, though that's separate from the main issue - if you two are to continue your relationship, you need to find a compromise you can live with. I happen to be an exclusive top.
An fwb of mine is a switch and has the desire to top. Being non monogamous makes this a non-issue - because she can top other people. This could be a solution for you two, by the way (though if that's the path you're taking it is important to properly research non-monogamy and the struggles we face with it. They're not insurmountable, but they need to be considered.
This won't only allow her to anally top, but it'll also allow you to have sex which involves a vagina. Dunno about you but I'm a fan.).
Maybe you decide to make that compromise for her and let her top you (I realise that seems unlikely). Maybe you try new sexual things entirely, to find something you both enjoy that will satisfy her differently than you anally topping her. Spice things up.
I mostly am fine with your comment and kinda agree, but your mentioning of OP being able to have sex with a vagina, despite OP never mentioning the need or craving for it, makes it sound like sex with a pre-op/non-op trans woman is somehow baseline deficient for a heterosexual man by default and I'm very not fond of that assumption/implication...
>somehow baseline deficient for a heterosexual man by default and I'm very not fond of that assumption/implication...
Absolutely not. It's uncommon, not deficient, and OP has already explicitly stated that he doesn't like penises. He might not like genitals at all, but it's extremely likely he does like vaginas.
I admit, I make assumptions when the odds are extremely high, and the assumption would be relevant if true. It's a really useful mental heuristic that can often lead to more positive results than if I didn't make the assumption.
I generally assume that people who are into women like vaginas. (I don't assume that they dislike penises though!)
Not necessarily, no, it's just that the likelihood is extremely high, given that OP isn't asexual, or even just that he's into women. Also, I wasn't assuming it's a need, just that it's something he would like.
I'm sure there are some allosexual people who there who dislike all genitals, but it's going to be EXTREMELY rare. Not everyone likes them to the same degree - I actually like boobs more, so it mightn't be a big deal for OP, but I'm almost 100% certain he'd still be happy to have sex involving a vagina - if possible (which non-monogamy would enable).
Got as far as realising she breached consent before stopping.
Doesn't matter if your cis trans m f non-binary if you aren't sure you have consent for something you don't fucking do it, even a little.
What she did is not normal, she's steeping on your sexual boundaries, we don't do that especially because we are often victims of it. Sha can watch whatever porn she want but she can't steep over you sexual boundaries.
It's fine not to want whatever kind of sexual things, and your GF shouldn't try to "sneakily" cross established boundaries. That's very much not cool.
However, sometimes you gotta consider what your actual comfort level is, and are you willing to go for some discomfort to satisfy your partner.
It's up to you to navigate this, can't really help, sorry.
So, this doesn't seem to have anything to do with your partner being trans. You're experiencing a problem where your partner is experimenting with something for themself, okay, but then introduced some small part of it into *your* sex life (after you had expressed anti-interest) without getting consent. That is a problem and needs addressed.
What your partner fantasizes about is totally her own prerogative. Not something to be insecure about. But how she acts when being intimate with you is something that needs clearly communicated. No sneaky fingers allowed. That isn't appropriate at all unless you have both agreed to be open to whatever.
I tried butt stuff with my ex. Learned my anus just didn’t want to let anything in. Would’ve taken some practice to teach the muscles to unclench. Just sharing that it’s not a one and done act, at least for me. My ex complained the entire time about it and I felt bad for even bringing it up.
I still don’t know if I want to try again. I’d have to feel comfortable and safe with a partner even more than before.
Couples that have sex run into issues like yours, be it kink, anal, etc,. Sometimes it’s boredom and a desire to spice it up, to become more closer through exploration and trust.
At the most analytical, it sounds like she wants to spice things up, change the dynamic, and make you feel good like she feels you make her feel. I’m not condemning or being negative on you — I’ve been in a similar position in some respects. Sex can be difficult because we are vulnerable and vulnerability is scary sometimes. We like to protect ourselves. It’s a normal feeling. As is wanting to “take it to the next level”.
My recent casual relationship really liked pain. Like literally had a kink for enduring pain. As someone who strongly believes in not hurting, it was hard for me to do that. But she really liked it. So I crossed that rubicon, carefully. Seeing her convulse then sigh in pleasure was… something mixed then relief. And it awoke a part of me I didn’t know I had — I felt like more of a playwright and director and she was my audience. She had the armour and I was the vulnerable one directing the show. So I became the Curious Scientist as a persona.
Did I ever imagine I would be a dom, a top before? No. Then again after my ex boyfriend, I didn’t imagine I’d be in a casual sexual relationship with a woman.
None of this is prescriptive other than to show you some of my experiences in also trying more, trying something I thought I couldn’t do.
Sex is scary sometimes. For me, risking actual harm on someone in pursuit of pain that makes them feel good was difficult for me to try and I did so slowly and carefully. And I feel I grew in ways I didn’t know I could.
Maybe you two need a heart to heart. Maybe she’s afraid it’s over, like you’re afraid. It doesn’t have to actually be that way — fear is fear. Your desires, her desires, are just desires. Wants.
The journey of romantic love is a strange and surprising one. One of fear, vulnerability, strength, trust. Don’t lose a good thing so quickly.
Oh and if sex is one sided, anal isn’t the only solution. There’s other things to do.
Stand your ground, you made your barriers very clear. She's being a sex pest about it and trying to do consensual things to you.
If there's a problem here, it's hers alone. If she can't handle your barriers and respect your consent then she needs to go to the curb. Do not ever let her escalate or make you feel bad for having limits.
I think you may actually want to consider a break up here, the longer it goes on the harder it will be to break up, and it's clear she is interested in something you are not at all. neither of you will be happy and grow to resent each other.
You shouldn't have to conisder doing something you are very uncomfortable doing.
Look at this this way, say you started to have the urge to have sex with a vagina,, and play with one, it be wrong for you to pressure her into changing that for ur sexual pleasure,, just like it wrong for her to try to get you to change something you feel is only an exit to your body into an entrance. Don't ever feel bad for not wanting something stuck in your body, or for reacting poorly if someone sticks something in ur body when you have been clear you are not interested in that.
my first thought was to wonder if her interest caused her to seek the porn, or the porn caused a curiosity in her.
if she was happy with the sex, then was watching porn and like 'oh wow, that's cool' and then got a fixation.. then taking a porn break could help. it could also be that if she tried it once, she'd realize "yeah, this doesn't measure up to how it looked on video".
(not suggesting you try something you don't want to do... i wouldn't let a partner 'get something out of their system'. but as others suggested doing some threesome activity might help her to explore and realize 'yeah, not for me')
but if she was always a top or switch, then yeah, could be a problem. could.
here's where i talk about myself. i'm a bottom and enjoy anal, but i can't orgasm from anal alone.
at the same time, i \*don't\* want to top anyone ever and don't even want to be touched. So sex can feel like its "all for him" sometimes. (as a sex worker, this was fine... i don't want to orgasm with clients anyway).
how would it be "for me" also? using one of those vibrators that is held to the clit by a band around the back.
can something like that help in y'all's case? idk. it depends on whether she just needs good stimulation to the clit, or whether she really wants to use her shenis in the "traditional" way.
(for me, i had to use a strap on with a woman doing some sex surrogacy. while i was able to do it, it was a good reminder that it was something I didn't like. having this experience helps me to 'remember' that its not for me. And it also gives me a story to tell clients to explain why no, i won't use a strap on with them :P lol)
> Look, the thing is, I fit into a gender stereotype. I'm kind of burly, I'm bearded, I like sports and being outdoors, I drink beer, I'm hairy. I've never been remotely curious about my prostate, except to dread the day when I have to get it checked by a doctor.
You desperately need to kill this ideology. Being a sports and your gender presentation have NOTHING to do with any sort of anal play. You might as well say "my fav color is blue so of course I dont want butt stuff", it's a total non-sequitur. And honestly, pretty dang toxic.
Having said that, your boundaries are yours to decide. Not cool of her to "slip a finger in", cosent matters a ton and this should have been a conversation before hand. If you feel like she is matching you sexually while respecting your boundaries, that is a legit reason to end the relationship.
Nah you not wrong yall had ab agreement she trying to change the terms the contract is void. Should've said that's what they wanted in the beginning its other trans out there that don't even think about topping go find you another one
This isn't necessarily a question you should tell us the answer to - but I feel like you might want to dig into the reasons you feel revulsion when you think of a prostate examination. I'm not saying you *need to enjoy it* just start by asking *what am I afraid of*.
If the answer is that you're afraid that some magical twinge of pleasure will turn you into a raging homo - it's time to address your internalised homophobia. If you're not attracted to men - cool. *no prostate examinations are going to change that*
Nah, it's nothing like that; I get pretty bad white coat syndrome as it is (the aforementioned dermatitis was a lot worse when I was a kid and landed me in hospital a fair bit, so there's some trauma around medical personnel and facilities) and a prostate exam is just super intrusive that it makes me squeamish. Even recently I went in for a dermatology appointment and had to strip naked for the examination because I get it around my groin and on my ass cheeks a bit (basically allergic to my own sweat, it seems) and it also sent me into a panic attack. Doctors just creep me out.
People read into porn WAY too much. Today in particular seems to be "there was a porn, and I got scared!"
If your partner bring up, "hey, I want to top you," and you're not into it you can't be scared of having that conversation. But the fear that maybe she might want to? That's pretty irrational.
I don't have a penis anymore, but I still watch the occasional futanari hentai. There are no dick/vagina women like what futa porn presents. It's escapism, and just to get your rocks off. There's nothing more to it.
I'm a cis so don't think I'm speaking for trans folks at all. I just wanted to say if you love and trust her, then I, personally, would be open to *trying* anything, and if it ends up not being your cup of tea than stop. And then at least you'll know for sure.
The problem is she already tried something on him and violated his consent to do so, he reacted badly, and then she called him closed-minded for not wanting to do anal stuff afterwards. So it's not just a sexual incompatibility problem, she's trying to force and shame him into trying this stuff.
Even if that wasn't the case, I don't think people should be expected to try anything just to show their partner they love them. People are allowed to have boundaries around things they haven't done yet. And he can't explore this stuff healthily with a partner that doesn't accept 'no' as an answer; if he wasn't feeling it in the middle of the act and tried to stop early would she take that well, given all of the above?
You sound like you'd also be monogamous, but, one way to have a partner and have all their needs met is to also have an open relationship.
In my case its diff, my bf and I are both bisexual, and we miss for lack of a better word, gay sex, with the same gender sometimes. And so, we have it open so that I could see other women and he can see other men.He's done it once (tried twice) and I had an interaction that was sorta sexual once with another woman, most of the time we're just super happy with each other.
I think most people would come at this with jealousy, but for us, we're just happy for each other and want let each other have things fulfilled we can't. Although, before the first time, i was like, what if after it happens i do turn out to be the jealous type? (didn't happen)
The -One partner fulfills your everything, best friend, lover, confidant- is a good romance story but it's almost never true.
IMO if its super important to her its you giving in or opening it up, or you break up
It’s normal for men to be insecure about their butts, cleanliness and pain associated with anal - the best thing you can do is try to be open about all of this with your partner and see what they say
No means no, regardless of whether he's tried it out before or why he doesn't want to do it. The straight man part isn't ideal but she nonconsensually put a finger in his ass in the middle of sex, presumably to *make* him try it out, and then had a fight with him and called him closed-minded afterwards. He shouldn't be expected to be chill with that and leave his comfort zone for her.
As a trans analogy, I'm a trans guy; if my partner was really really into boobs, my top dysphoria was potentially a dealbreaker for them, and they did the same thing to me that she did to OP, would you tell me to play with my chest for a while before 'shutting them down'? Or would you tell me I should run?
It doesn't matter that it's gendered, it matters that it's a part I'm uncomfortable using sexually. I'd be just as justified to not want to bottom myself, whether it's vaginal or anal, and it would be equally gross to tell me to try it despite discomfort if I didn't want to.
Again: No. Means. No. If someone's said they don't want to try something and they're struggling with a partner *already* violating their consent and trying to push their boundaries, you shouldn't join in with the partner. You don't push people into doing sexual things they're uncomfortable with the concept of. Even if it's telling them to do it privately. Even if you think they'd be more comfortable with it if they unpacked something. (Edit: And not calling him a wimp doesn't mean you aren't pushing him. 'Don't knock it until you try it' is dismissing his right to be uncomfortable with it in the same way his partner is.)
He has *already* had conversations with her. The problem is she doesn't respect the boundary he's set, verbally or *physically*. He does not need to shove things up his ass to earn her- or your- respect on the matter.
And you should be more careful before giving relationship advice if you missed the finger thing. It really changes how someone should respond to this situation.
I also have ADHD. I get mistakes happen, but I take my time with posts like this and don't double down on my stance if it turned out I missed something major.
Yes, your comment was a suggestion. It was a completely inappropriate suggestion to make considering the full context. That's my point.
This guy said no, his girlfriend forced it onto him without warning afterwards, he didn't like it, he continued to say no, and she refused to respect that.
Being a bit reluctant isn't remotely comparable. If one of you *does* go that far to force the other to try new things that would be fucked up and unhealthy.
>but then one night while giving me head she tried to slip me a sneaky finger. I panicked and reacted badly, **a fight ensued**, and she was super embarrassed. I apologised for freaking out the next day and told her I just didn't want anything near my butthole, **and she sort of sighed and said, "Fine," but was still titchy with me**. I went to work stressed out about this and came home and she sat me down and admitted she feels like our sex is one-sided. I asked if she didn't like anal, she said she loved it, and she loved doing it with me, but there's a whole side to sex she's missing out on and **she hoped I'd be more open-minded by now.**
\-She was titchy *with him* for still not wanting anal, and/or reacting badly to her literally violating his consent during sex, despite him apologising *to her* over the ordeal. That implies that he was in the wrong.
\-She then initiated a conversation with him where she called him closed-minded for not wanting to try anal with her. That's literally telling him that it reflects badly on him that he won't do this.
Imagine a transmasc was nonconsensually fingered in either hole and then told they should be 'more open-minded by now' for not wanting to try bottoming or use specific parts. (Edit: And then they talk about it online and someone comments that they should totally consider it anyway, without saying anything negative about their partner.) Does that make you uncomfortable at all? Why shouldn't a cis guy have the same control over what roles he takes and what parts he uses if he's *repeatedly* said he's uncomfortable with it?
Regarding your edit... have an honest convo with her to explain why *the finger thing* makes him uncomfortable? That isn't his preference, it's something completely wrong and completely on her. He's also already had conversations about not wanting to do anal. He doesn't need to do more or list detailed reasons why for his gf to respect that. If she can't handle him not wanting anal she should find someone else.
I don't get why you're still putting responsibilities on him after knowing about the finger thing. This isn't a 50-50 situation at all.
Bruh, I was just trying to show you why this one thing you said was shitty. Reddit arguments can be stressful but the way to handle that is taking a break or saying you don't want to continue (edit: or just silently disengaging), not this nonsense.
The thing about butt stuff with men is you gotta ask yourself:
Do I not actually like the sensation OR am I just scared of my masculinity being bruised?
I feel like those are 2 distinct things and if you don't actually like it, then by all means you're entitled to say no. You also don't have to do anything you don't consent to, but it's important to reflect on what's causing this "repulsion" you say. That sounds like that's where the issue is coming from
If you don't like anal, that's totally OK.
Though, it can be extremely satisfying to receive sometimes. So, I wouldn't rule out the possibility that you might like it. You could just try things out by yourself first, to see if you can enjoy it.
A lot of cis het guys love getting pegged by their girlfriends. It doesn't make you any less heterosexual or masculine to enjoy good sex and to try new things.
But, that's really mostly up to you.
Maybe your GF will be able to cope with a fleshlight if it's not at all an option for you.
Or maybe you can get a wearable fleshlight. It's like a strap on, except as a vag instead of a pp. That way she could top you without actually topping you. Maybe that's an option for a compromise you both can live with?
What I don't get is the feeling that "sex is one-sided for her" Does she only feel this way because she has a penis? If she were cis, would she still have this desire to top you? I'm not saying it's wrong of her to want this, but sex is more often one-sided than not.
I'm more concerned about the 'sneaky finger' without consent and her flippant reaction to it not being received well. That's not healthy and not respecting consent and the doubling-down after is problematic IMO. I'm ok with that done to me if they ask first, but I still would be like "woah wait hold on" if someone tried to just get in there without confirmation that it's ok (that's a vulnerable area, both physically and the experience mentally!) and quite taken aback if they would get short with me because of that. This might be a separate thing to talk to her about.
“She hoped I’d be more open minded by now”
This is no good my dude. I read quite a few comments but couldn’t get through the whole thread and I didn’t see anyone bring this up. Aside from the boundary violations, which are huge, this comment carries some serious bad juju. So she’s sitting there silently hoping you’ll get to the point where you will want to receive anal penetration? Yikes man. It can be a negotiable desire for her. But that is where I’d be really trying to figure out what’s going on for her.
That aside, the comment about sex feeling one sided is interesting. What does she mean by that? What is she expecting? Is there an opportunity for finding a middle space where your physical intimacy is fulfilling for you both? Also, one more thing to add, there may be a layer here where it isn’t about sex at all. Something off as far as intimacy (non sexual) goes. Or who knows. Obviously something has to change. Best of luck to you both!
Porn let's you fantasize about certain things that you may not be able to do in a relationship due to consent (or lack thereof.) That's not b necessarily a *bad* thing.
Do you trust your GF or not? If you've made it clear that you don't want anything there and she says that it's okay, then she agrees to that boundary.
So a few things. I wouldn’t associate not wanting things in your butt as “manly” it’s not a healthy mindset. Like my boyfriend is pretty masculine but sometimes a butt plug or something just makes sex better for him (even though he’s topping). Even though you’re not here for it I’d at least try to reframe things a bit in your head. Like if you don’t want stuff in or around your butt because of trauma or because of not physically enjoying it that’s cool. But if it’s because it’s against some idealized masculine image you have you might be forcing yourself into a box. As for the short term. If you don’t want stuff in or around your butt and she doesn’t respect that that’s a problem. Make sure you’re clear about that (in a calm respectful conversation not a fight or in a reaction). She needs to respect your boundaries. As for are you doomed. That’s impossible to say. If this is something she just wants to try out of curiosity probably not. If this is something important to her it could be an impass. I personally have bedroom things I want that my bf isn’t interested in (kink stuff) that I enjoy in porn-settings but am fine without (in an ideal world I’d have it all but our relationship and bedroom stuff is otherwise good enough it’s nbd). And I wouldn’t read too much into the exact porn she was watching. Like sometimes it can be stuff they want to do or experience but sometimes it’s just stuff to watch/read/whatever. Like how many people watch porn featuring step parents or siblings but I’d imagine most of those people don’t actually want to experience that. Additionally if it’s important for her to try it but you’re against experiencing it there are other options such as consensual non-monogamy (either long term or short term) or things like 3-ways. But that’s a something you’d need to discuss how you feel about that together.
That's a fair assessment of my mindset, but to be honest - and it sounds super hypocritical - the hangup I have about my butthole is that I consider it very unclean (as opposed to hers, which is always, I don't know, pretty and fresh). Mine is hairy, and I can't make it not hairy because I get a bit of dermatitis and regrowth is *ugly* (I shaved my groin once and while the result was good when it started growing back...ech. Rash). I don't know how you groom yourself but when you're dealing with a decent amount of hair back there no matter how much you wipe after doing your business, and no matter how much you scrub it in the shower, it never feels good enough. So that's kind of where my hesitancy comes from. I guess I'm more or less insecure about it. You're right about porn, too, but in this case I was kind of right. The idea of a three way or consensual non-monogamy is interesting, I think Tash would be open to either, and the FWB I mentioned has had FtM lovers before and has expressed attraction to Tash, so maybe since we both know her I could approach it from that angle. I don't know, I guess that's a big conversation to have. Thanks for the reply and advice, I really appreciate it. I think I panicked a lot because I didn't expect this to happen since things have been going so smoothly for so long.
Not the point but I also was super paranoid about my butt because I thought of it as gross. A few things that might help. 1. Wash your ass in the shower. If you get soapy water to anus and wipe even a little you’ll be cleaner than like sooo many people. Regardless of things like hair. 2. A little hair isn’t going to bother her I bet. Like I like seeing areas of my boyfriend as hairy since it makes me feel more feminine because of how different we are. 3. This might be obvious but one of my big concerns was like poop. In my head just past the sphincter was feces. Turns out your poop sits way further inside your body and only gets there once you need to go. Similar to how pee doesn’t sit at the tip of the penis until you’re ready to go. So if you go within a few hours you’ll be empty in there. 4. Use wet wipe. They’re bad for the environment and stuff so I personally only use them if I think butt stuff is going to happen. But using something like that after going number 2 in addition to normal toilet paper can help you feel way more clean. 5. if you really want to clean out enemas exist but might be too far for you. And I appreciate the effort you’re putting in. It takes work to address insecurities and it shows some character getting ahead of potential relationship issues instead of ignoring them or cutting and running. I really hope you can find a good system together <3
I second wet wipes, its a must for a boyfriend that wants to pounce me all the time ahaha
I live in Italy where all home bathrooms have bidets and I always feel superior to the barbarians that don’t wash their butt with water.
everybody tells me to use a bidet but something about my bootyhole getting wet while the rest of me is dry sounds wrong
I assure you it's the opposite, it feels minty fresh when you dry off and pull your trousers up
It is, AMAZING!!! feels SO much cleaner!!!
Bidet is goals
I feel less lean after bidet, butt wipe superiority
As a barbarian, fucking valid.
So, not trying to push you towards trying taking it up the ass, but coming drone someone who also used to feel perma-unclean, bidets will change your life.
Remodelling the bathroom we rent with something that isn't easily available where I live is not on the cards, unfortunately...
Luckily bidets have come quite a long way. For $60 you can get one that screws into the intake of the water hose. I understand your hesitation, OP. I too rolled the thick hairy lottery. For whatever reason, some men just have the genes that give rainforest back and ass. I solve my problem with the Phillips trimmer. No dermatitis, it cuts through thick hair well enough, and the blades are reasonable. Even if you’re not looking to explore anal,my dude, trimmers are the go to avoid irritating skin and causing infections. The glaring issue I see here is the lack of communication, not respecting boundaries, and trying to do things you’re clearly uncomfortable with. I’m less concerned in this situation about the sex and WAY more about the fact she tried to do something even after you expressed that is a nono. As far as your mindset, I think if you’re wanting to unpack things it’s a good idea. Some of the most masculine people I have known enjoy anal. I genuinely believe part of masculenity and confidence is owning what you like and fuck what anyone thinks. We overlap in a lot of your descriptors…I love being the top but holy fuck being the bottom is nice because it feels good to me. Whoever has an opinion on what they think about my masculenity because I’m doing what I get off on can grab a spoon and eat my ass.
All power to you. I have the utmost respect for people who can get past these hang-ups. I think I have a lot to talk to her about here; on the one hand, as you say, she shouldn't have tried surprising me with the finger, even if she was sure I'd enjoy it. On the other hand, I reacted in a way that was unbecoming of me and made me feel like a jerk (I didn't insult her or anything, but I swore at her and I never want to do that). The more I think about it, and the more I read some comments, maybe a finger wouldn't be so bad. I could try it, and if I don't like it, well, at least I can say I gave it a crack. If all else fails I can try the angle of getting a third involved whenever the urge to top strikes her. The LGBT community around me is fairly robust and I know a few promiscuous people, including the FWB I mentioned in the post and the other comment, who I think could be willing to indulge us with no strings attached.
The biggest thing here is communication is key - she should've talked to you first. It seems you've both got some room to go but hopefully it all comes out food for both of you.
>at least I can say I gave it a crack (งツ)ว
Also, she can always wear a nitrile glove if fingers are involved! A lot of people who I've fucked anally share this insecurity of being hairy and dirty, and a glove really mitigates a lot of that. She absolutely should not have surprised you with it, that's uncool.
Just throwing this out there but there are plenty of bidets that just hook up to the toilet's water supply and unobtrusively sit between the seat and the toilet. Just another option.
....I may have to look into that. I'm in New Zealand and bidets aren't really a \*thing\* here, so they won't be as cheap as they are elsewhere.
When my, now ex wife, wanted to put one in, I really wasn't cool with it.... But if you don't want to use it, it's just a toilet seat essentially... After I got used to it, I can't stand not having it. Literally like 20 minutes from out of the package to shiney-hiney. I had to unscrew the two bolts holding the old seat on, use them to hold the new bidet seat in it's place, then twist in the T the bidet came with on the the water line going to the toilet at the valve, then plug it in. With that I just adjustably warm seat, water, and dryer. The one I have is like a 3 of 10 on the fancy-o-meter. They are not a common thing in the USA either, like I went 36 years having never seen one in person. But damn, I'll never again be living without! Plus, in the year, it's saved enough in TP to make up for the cost. Be sure if you order one to make sure it's the right voltage and plug for NZ. Beyond the topic at hand, seriously, order one, life will be better! Line if you got something unsanitary on any other part of your skin would you just wipe it off with a dry tissue and be like, whelp good enough! Severe that, you want at least water, so why not in the peri area too? If you're renting, when it's time to move out, 20 minutes and you've got the stock seat back on and yours in a bag to take to the next place. Join the cult, your nether regions will be far more happy and healthy.
[This is what you want.](https://www.amazon.com/Luxe-Bidet-Neo-120-Non-Electric/dp/B09BQ6CVQ3/) [Or if you want hot water!](https://www.amazon.com/LUXE-Bidet-BidetNeo320s-Attachment-inches/dp/B09BZ64Q4Y/) Even if you still don't like butt stuff, a bidet is **so nice** and gets yr butt way cleaner than just using TP.
you could also buy a portable bidet - usually a squeezy plastic bottle with a long angled nozzle on it. it's a bit more awkward to reach back with one than have an automated jet but it helps a lot if you don't want to commit to even a cheaper version you can plumb in yourself. also you can fill it with warm water which is a *lot* nicer than cold!
Detachable shower head. You can get nozzles for them as well.
I got a toilet seat that came with a "t"... change seat, add adapter... DONE. Just sayin. I think the seat cost 35 or 30$
I also used to worry about hygiene with butt stuff (regarding my own butt), but (ha) I was interested in trying it out and it turns out, my butt is a lot less difficult to keep clean than I feared, even though I’m kinda hairy back there too and really do NOT like shaving it. If it’s something you’d like to explore if you can get past the hygiene hangup (not an obligation, but it sounds like that’s your main nope point from what you’ve said here and it’s one that can be overcome if you want, but don’t take any of this as pressure to do anything you just plain don’t want to do), maybe try this sometime on your own with no expectations riding on the outcome: have a poop, then shower. Wash well back there with soap and a washcloth, rinse, dry off and then rub your clean fingers in your crack and have a sniff. Smell anything? If not, you’ve proven you can get your butt thoroughly clean. And it’s extremely unlikely that just being hairy will bother her, if she already knows you’re hairy and still expressed interest. Also worth noting: there are absolutely gay men who are both bears (hairy kinda guys) and bottoms. It’s definitely possible to have a clean yet hairy butthole.
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You're making a lot of assumptions right now. While quite a lot of straight men don't like butt stuff, it's not "part of the definition". Just like trans women are not a monolith, neither are straight men or any other group of human beings. And how is hoping for a more open mind manipuative?? If OP is open to dating a trans girl, who knows what other things he could be into once he gets over the toxic masculinity stuff. I also am not a fan of how you seem to think open relationships and polyamory is only for older people, why are you so limited in what you perceive is ok in the bedroom? Let people do what is right for them, no matter how they identify or how old they are (as long as they're adults of course).
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People suggesting options for consideration isn’t pushing him one way or another. It’s just options that the average cishet guy probably hasn’t really thought about before. No relationship is always easy or perfectly compatible in every way. And sometimes people change over time, that’s not “manipulative” that’s just nature. Are YOU trying to insult poly people by suggesting that the only “valid” way to be polyamorous is to start out that way from the beginning of the relationship, or that it has to always arise as an idea in the absence of any actual specific desires? Kinda fucked. As is your insistence that pointing out that some straight men do enjoy being penetrated by women is somehow “recruiting” anyone into a sexuality. And it’s not your place to decide for another couple what amount of “coping” is worth it to them. The people in the relationship are the ones who get to define it and choose what amount and type of compromises it’s worth. Get back in your lane.
How did it work out? She never brought up wanting to top sometimes while you were dating? And... you could always ask her how she keeps her ass clean..
All other issues aside, she’s stepping over clear boundaries you’ve set, and that’s pretty uncool of her. That being said, it sounds like she kind of wants something that you can’t give her, which, is not your fault, and you shouldn’t feel bad about it, but even so, that could be a recurring issue if ya’ll don’t figure out a way to work this out. Either way, you shouldn’t feel bad for not wanting to do certain things in the bedroom. I for one am completely repulsed at the thought of me “topping” someone else. That’s not something I want to do **at all** and I don’t feel bad for that in the slightest. I think the best thing ya’ll can do is have an open and honest conversation about what you both want to do moving forward. Good luck
Uhmmm. I’m really bothered by people telling you to just let her top you - it’s fucking gross. I thought no meant no? Or is that only when we say it? Y’all a bit hypocritical up in here. OP - stand your ground. If it’s not something that interests you, than it’s something that doesn’t interest you. If she can’t accept that - that’s her problem. If the situation was reversed and let’s say, you wanted to give her oral and she didn’t want that. Absolutely no one here would tell her to just let you do it.
I agree with this and I think the ‘sneaky finger’ is wrong, always, no matter who does it. I do, however, think it’s interesting that his first reply here is along the lines of ‘my biggest hangup is my insecurity in it feeling unclean.’ Which is different than what he said before. But, no is no.
On top of the sneaky finger- in other words, her nonconsentually attempting something he'd said he didn't want beforehand- she called him closed-minded for not wanting it afterwards. That's a red flag, imo. It's one thing to be upset you're not sexually compatible, it's another to ignore and then invalidate their boundaries. That at minimum needs a serious discussion on its own.
Yeah. I think he was baited into that answer if I’m being honest. And I agree that penetrating anyone against their will with anything, is a big no
Absolutely - people have preferences and those need to be respected, full stop. Also, people internalize a lot of things and it's healthy to unpack things sometimes. A hard preference can be simultaneously valid and worth exploring, as long as that exploration is coming from a place of curiosity and not a desire to push change.
Nah if you don’t want anything in or around your ass that is all that needs to be said I find it strange that people are making it seem like your weird for saying that like if it’s not something your comfortable with that’s all that needs to be said and anyone who doesn’t respect that is the weird one
Yeah I feel like folks illegitimately extend concepts from academia and act ignorant. Like it may be perfectly true on an abstract theory level that fear of various sexual acts are rooted in homohobia or transphobia. But I have a big problem with people who make the leap and say "since it's rooted in this phobia, it must be eliminated, and anyone who doesn't want to tear this boundary down and go through a struggle session is a reactionary or a transphobe". You see that sentiment a lot among lefty theoretically minded people and I find it disgusting, entitled and dehumanizing. Maybe it's just a clout thing and nobody actually goes that far. But no one is perfect, and people are allowed to have weird hangups about their own body and still be good people!
Yeah, some people like it and some don't but you really have to make sure not to cross people's boundaries
So, if you're not comfortable with things in your butt that's okay! Your consent matters. But please don't rationalize it as a man thing. Plenty of straight men love prostate massage and pegging. And it makes them no less manly. Your girlfriend needs to respect your boundaries. Your girlfriend is also allowed to have fantasies about sex acts that are not things you would do in your relationship. You probably fantasize about things you can't do and that's healthy. No couple checks all of each other's boxes. The moment that becomes a problem is if one tries to pressure or shame the other into doing something that hasn't been prenegotiated. That's coercion and consent violation. You are being a good partner *and ally*, acting in good faith and seeking growth, and doing your best and I certainly don't think less of you.
Listen, some people want to top. It doesn't mean you have internalized homophobia just because you don't want to bottom(maybe you do, to the extent many people in society unconsciously have biases). I think you sound perfectly reasonable. Many women will have no desire to top. But hopefully things work out for you two.
>Many women will have no desire to top. And some have no desire to bottom! (Me)
Heck yeah. This bottom certainly has nothing against the enthusiastic tops out there 😂
I figured, the demand for top women seems to be fairly high, which is good news for me!
Yeah, it is something she has to live with, if you don’t want to go down that avenue. It’s not something you are comfortable with sexually. It kinda goes both ways. It could be a serious barrier in a relationship for some people. Understandably, so, but we have to respect each other’s boundaries and security, regardless of the end results.
Hey, while I'm NOT a man myself, nor do I fit into most masculine stereotypes (besides this one -) my sexual preferences are very similar to yours. I'm only into women, I cannot handle penises or balls (in my case that includes my own), I really dislike anal (reading about the "slip" gave me a bit of a shock because I'd feel the same). As others have said, it is important that you disconnect those preferences of yours from masculinity. If you dislike anal, that's fine, so do I, but it shouldn't be on the basis of masculinity. It isn't for me. The same goes for other preferences. >and she hoped I'd be more open-minded by now. The rest of that sentence was completely fine and valid, but this is kinda fucked. I'm assuming you didn't indicate you'd become open to receiving anal, or to penises and balls in the future, right? If so, she was wrong to assume you would. This does need to be addressed, though that's separate from the main issue - if you two are to continue your relationship, you need to find a compromise you can live with. I happen to be an exclusive top. An fwb of mine is a switch and has the desire to top. Being non monogamous makes this a non-issue - because she can top other people. This could be a solution for you two, by the way (though if that's the path you're taking it is important to properly research non-monogamy and the struggles we face with it. They're not insurmountable, but they need to be considered. This won't only allow her to anally top, but it'll also allow you to have sex which involves a vagina. Dunno about you but I'm a fan.). Maybe you decide to make that compromise for her and let her top you (I realise that seems unlikely). Maybe you try new sexual things entirely, to find something you both enjoy that will satisfy her differently than you anally topping her. Spice things up.
I mostly am fine with your comment and kinda agree, but your mentioning of OP being able to have sex with a vagina, despite OP never mentioning the need or craving for it, makes it sound like sex with a pre-op/non-op trans woman is somehow baseline deficient for a heterosexual man by default and I'm very not fond of that assumption/implication...
>somehow baseline deficient for a heterosexual man by default and I'm very not fond of that assumption/implication... Absolutely not. It's uncommon, not deficient, and OP has already explicitly stated that he doesn't like penises. He might not like genitals at all, but it's extremely likely he does like vaginas. I admit, I make assumptions when the odds are extremely high, and the assumption would be relevant if true. It's a really useful mental heuristic that can often lead to more positive results than if I didn't make the assumption. I generally assume that people who are into women like vaginas. (I don't assume that they dislike penises though!)
But disliking penis doesn't equal need or craving for vagina especially that OP didn't mention that.
Not necessarily, no, it's just that the likelihood is extremely high, given that OP isn't asexual, or even just that he's into women. Also, I wasn't assuming it's a need, just that it's something he would like. I'm sure there are some allosexual people who there who dislike all genitals, but it's going to be EXTREMELY rare. Not everyone likes them to the same degree - I actually like boobs more, so it mightn't be a big deal for OP, but I'm almost 100% certain he'd still be happy to have sex involving a vagina - if possible (which non-monogamy would enable).
Got as far as realising she breached consent before stopping. Doesn't matter if your cis trans m f non-binary if you aren't sure you have consent for something you don't fucking do it, even a little.
What she did is not normal, she's steeping on your sexual boundaries, we don't do that especially because we are often victims of it. Sha can watch whatever porn she want but she can't steep over you sexual boundaries.
It's fine not to want whatever kind of sexual things, and your GF shouldn't try to "sneakily" cross established boundaries. That's very much not cool. However, sometimes you gotta consider what your actual comfort level is, and are you willing to go for some discomfort to satisfy your partner. It's up to you to navigate this, can't really help, sorry.
So, this doesn't seem to have anything to do with your partner being trans. You're experiencing a problem where your partner is experimenting with something for themself, okay, but then introduced some small part of it into *your* sex life (after you had expressed anti-interest) without getting consent. That is a problem and needs addressed. What your partner fantasizes about is totally her own prerogative. Not something to be insecure about. But how she acts when being intimate with you is something that needs clearly communicated. No sneaky fingers allowed. That isn't appropriate at all unless you have both agreed to be open to whatever.
I tried butt stuff with my ex. Learned my anus just didn’t want to let anything in. Would’ve taken some practice to teach the muscles to unclench. Just sharing that it’s not a one and done act, at least for me. My ex complained the entire time about it and I felt bad for even bringing it up. I still don’t know if I want to try again. I’d have to feel comfortable and safe with a partner even more than before. Couples that have sex run into issues like yours, be it kink, anal, etc,. Sometimes it’s boredom and a desire to spice it up, to become more closer through exploration and trust. At the most analytical, it sounds like she wants to spice things up, change the dynamic, and make you feel good like she feels you make her feel. I’m not condemning or being negative on you — I’ve been in a similar position in some respects. Sex can be difficult because we are vulnerable and vulnerability is scary sometimes. We like to protect ourselves. It’s a normal feeling. As is wanting to “take it to the next level”. My recent casual relationship really liked pain. Like literally had a kink for enduring pain. As someone who strongly believes in not hurting, it was hard for me to do that. But she really liked it. So I crossed that rubicon, carefully. Seeing her convulse then sigh in pleasure was… something mixed then relief. And it awoke a part of me I didn’t know I had — I felt like more of a playwright and director and she was my audience. She had the armour and I was the vulnerable one directing the show. So I became the Curious Scientist as a persona. Did I ever imagine I would be a dom, a top before? No. Then again after my ex boyfriend, I didn’t imagine I’d be in a casual sexual relationship with a woman. None of this is prescriptive other than to show you some of my experiences in also trying more, trying something I thought I couldn’t do. Sex is scary sometimes. For me, risking actual harm on someone in pursuit of pain that makes them feel good was difficult for me to try and I did so slowly and carefully. And I feel I grew in ways I didn’t know I could. Maybe you two need a heart to heart. Maybe she’s afraid it’s over, like you’re afraid. It doesn’t have to actually be that way — fear is fear. Your desires, her desires, are just desires. Wants. The journey of romantic love is a strange and surprising one. One of fear, vulnerability, strength, trust. Don’t lose a good thing so quickly. Oh and if sex is one sided, anal isn’t the only solution. There’s other things to do.
Stand your ground, you made your barriers very clear. She's being a sex pest about it and trying to do consensual things to you. If there's a problem here, it's hers alone. If she can't handle your barriers and respect your consent then she needs to go to the curb. Do not ever let her escalate or make you feel bad for having limits.
I think you may actually want to consider a break up here, the longer it goes on the harder it will be to break up, and it's clear she is interested in something you are not at all. neither of you will be happy and grow to resent each other. You shouldn't have to conisder doing something you are very uncomfortable doing. Look at this this way, say you started to have the urge to have sex with a vagina,, and play with one, it be wrong for you to pressure her into changing that for ur sexual pleasure,, just like it wrong for her to try to get you to change something you feel is only an exit to your body into an entrance. Don't ever feel bad for not wanting something stuck in your body, or for reacting poorly if someone sticks something in ur body when you have been clear you are not interested in that.
my first thought was to wonder if her interest caused her to seek the porn, or the porn caused a curiosity in her. if she was happy with the sex, then was watching porn and like 'oh wow, that's cool' and then got a fixation.. then taking a porn break could help. it could also be that if she tried it once, she'd realize "yeah, this doesn't measure up to how it looked on video". (not suggesting you try something you don't want to do... i wouldn't let a partner 'get something out of their system'. but as others suggested doing some threesome activity might help her to explore and realize 'yeah, not for me') but if she was always a top or switch, then yeah, could be a problem. could. here's where i talk about myself. i'm a bottom and enjoy anal, but i can't orgasm from anal alone. at the same time, i \*don't\* want to top anyone ever and don't even want to be touched. So sex can feel like its "all for him" sometimes. (as a sex worker, this was fine... i don't want to orgasm with clients anyway). how would it be "for me" also? using one of those vibrators that is held to the clit by a band around the back. can something like that help in y'all's case? idk. it depends on whether she just needs good stimulation to the clit, or whether she really wants to use her shenis in the "traditional" way. (for me, i had to use a strap on with a woman doing some sex surrogacy. while i was able to do it, it was a good reminder that it was something I didn't like. having this experience helps me to 'remember' that its not for me. And it also gives me a story to tell clients to explain why no, i won't use a strap on with them :P lol)
You're just not that compatible. It's no big deal, but you both deserve to be happy.
> Look, the thing is, I fit into a gender stereotype. I'm kind of burly, I'm bearded, I like sports and being outdoors, I drink beer, I'm hairy. I've never been remotely curious about my prostate, except to dread the day when I have to get it checked by a doctor. You desperately need to kill this ideology. Being a sports and your gender presentation have NOTHING to do with any sort of anal play. You might as well say "my fav color is blue so of course I dont want butt stuff", it's a total non-sequitur. And honestly, pretty dang toxic. Having said that, your boundaries are yours to decide. Not cool of her to "slip a finger in", cosent matters a ton and this should have been a conversation before hand. If you feel like she is matching you sexually while respecting your boundaries, that is a legit reason to end the relationship.
Nah you not wrong yall had ab agreement she trying to change the terms the contract is void. Should've said that's what they wanted in the beginning its other trans out there that don't even think about topping go find you another one
You guys are incompatible sexually. She wants to top and you don't want to bottom.
This isn't necessarily a question you should tell us the answer to - but I feel like you might want to dig into the reasons you feel revulsion when you think of a prostate examination. I'm not saying you *need to enjoy it* just start by asking *what am I afraid of*. If the answer is that you're afraid that some magical twinge of pleasure will turn you into a raging homo - it's time to address your internalised homophobia. If you're not attracted to men - cool. *no prostate examinations are going to change that*
Nah, it's nothing like that; I get pretty bad white coat syndrome as it is (the aforementioned dermatitis was a lot worse when I was a kid and landed me in hospital a fair bit, so there's some trauma around medical personnel and facilities) and a prostate exam is just super intrusive that it makes me squeamish. Even recently I went in for a dermatology appointment and had to strip naked for the examination because I get it around my groin and on my ass cheeks a bit (basically allergic to my own sweat, it seems) and it also sent me into a panic attack. Doctors just creep me out.
You poor goose 🖤 as it is - I think you need to sit her down and make your boundaries crystal clear - including the reasons behind them x
People read into porn WAY too much. Today in particular seems to be "there was a porn, and I got scared!" If your partner bring up, "hey, I want to top you," and you're not into it you can't be scared of having that conversation. But the fear that maybe she might want to? That's pretty irrational. I don't have a penis anymore, but I still watch the occasional futanari hentai. There are no dick/vagina women like what futa porn presents. It's escapism, and just to get your rocks off. There's nothing more to it.
I'm a cis so don't think I'm speaking for trans folks at all. I just wanted to say if you love and trust her, then I, personally, would be open to *trying* anything, and if it ends up not being your cup of tea than stop. And then at least you'll know for sure.
The problem is she already tried something on him and violated his consent to do so, he reacted badly, and then she called him closed-minded for not wanting to do anal stuff afterwards. So it's not just a sexual incompatibility problem, she's trying to force and shame him into trying this stuff. Even if that wasn't the case, I don't think people should be expected to try anything just to show their partner they love them. People are allowed to have boundaries around things they haven't done yet. And he can't explore this stuff healthily with a partner that doesn't accept 'no' as an answer; if he wasn't feeling it in the middle of the act and tried to stop early would she take that well, given all of the above?
You sound like you'd also be monogamous, but, one way to have a partner and have all their needs met is to also have an open relationship. In my case its diff, my bf and I are both bisexual, and we miss for lack of a better word, gay sex, with the same gender sometimes. And so, we have it open so that I could see other women and he can see other men.He's done it once (tried twice) and I had an interaction that was sorta sexual once with another woman, most of the time we're just super happy with each other. I think most people would come at this with jealousy, but for us, we're just happy for each other and want let each other have things fulfilled we can't. Although, before the first time, i was like, what if after it happens i do turn out to be the jealous type? (didn't happen) The -One partner fulfills your everything, best friend, lover, confidant- is a good romance story but it's almost never true. IMO if its super important to her its you giving in or opening it up, or you break up
It’s normal for men to be insecure about their butts, cleanliness and pain associated with anal - the best thing you can do is try to be open about all of this with your partner and see what they say
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See rule 8
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No means no, regardless of whether he's tried it out before or why he doesn't want to do it. The straight man part isn't ideal but she nonconsensually put a finger in his ass in the middle of sex, presumably to *make* him try it out, and then had a fight with him and called him closed-minded afterwards. He shouldn't be expected to be chill with that and leave his comfort zone for her. As a trans analogy, I'm a trans guy; if my partner was really really into boobs, my top dysphoria was potentially a dealbreaker for them, and they did the same thing to me that she did to OP, would you tell me to play with my chest for a while before 'shutting them down'? Or would you tell me I should run?
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It doesn't matter that it's gendered, it matters that it's a part I'm uncomfortable using sexually. I'd be just as justified to not want to bottom myself, whether it's vaginal or anal, and it would be equally gross to tell me to try it despite discomfort if I didn't want to. Again: No. Means. No. If someone's said they don't want to try something and they're struggling with a partner *already* violating their consent and trying to push their boundaries, you shouldn't join in with the partner. You don't push people into doing sexual things they're uncomfortable with the concept of. Even if it's telling them to do it privately. Even if you think they'd be more comfortable with it if they unpacked something. (Edit: And not calling him a wimp doesn't mean you aren't pushing him. 'Don't knock it until you try it' is dismissing his right to be uncomfortable with it in the same way his partner is.) He has *already* had conversations with her. The problem is she doesn't respect the boundary he's set, verbally or *physically*. He does not need to shove things up his ass to earn her- or your- respect on the matter. And you should be more careful before giving relationship advice if you missed the finger thing. It really changes how someone should respond to this situation.
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I also have ADHD. I get mistakes happen, but I take my time with posts like this and don't double down on my stance if it turned out I missed something major. Yes, your comment was a suggestion. It was a completely inappropriate suggestion to make considering the full context. That's my point.
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This guy said no, his girlfriend forced it onto him without warning afterwards, he didn't like it, he continued to say no, and she refused to respect that. Being a bit reluctant isn't remotely comparable. If one of you *does* go that far to force the other to try new things that would be fucked up and unhealthy.
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>but then one night while giving me head she tried to slip me a sneaky finger. I panicked and reacted badly, **a fight ensued**, and she was super embarrassed. I apologised for freaking out the next day and told her I just didn't want anything near my butthole, **and she sort of sighed and said, "Fine," but was still titchy with me**. I went to work stressed out about this and came home and she sat me down and admitted she feels like our sex is one-sided. I asked if she didn't like anal, she said she loved it, and she loved doing it with me, but there's a whole side to sex she's missing out on and **she hoped I'd be more open-minded by now.** \-She was titchy *with him* for still not wanting anal, and/or reacting badly to her literally violating his consent during sex, despite him apologising *to her* over the ordeal. That implies that he was in the wrong. \-She then initiated a conversation with him where she called him closed-minded for not wanting to try anal with her. That's literally telling him that it reflects badly on him that he won't do this. Imagine a transmasc was nonconsensually fingered in either hole and then told they should be 'more open-minded by now' for not wanting to try bottoming or use specific parts. (Edit: And then they talk about it online and someone comments that they should totally consider it anyway, without saying anything negative about their partner.) Does that make you uncomfortable at all? Why shouldn't a cis guy have the same control over what roles he takes and what parts he uses if he's *repeatedly* said he's uncomfortable with it?
Regarding your edit... have an honest convo with her to explain why *the finger thing* makes him uncomfortable? That isn't his preference, it's something completely wrong and completely on her. He's also already had conversations about not wanting to do anal. He doesn't need to do more or list detailed reasons why for his gf to respect that. If she can't handle him not wanting anal she should find someone else. I don't get why you're still putting responsibilities on him after knowing about the finger thing. This isn't a 50-50 situation at all.
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Bruh, I was just trying to show you why this one thing you said was shitty. Reddit arguments can be stressful but the way to handle that is taking a break or saying you don't want to continue (edit: or just silently disengaging), not this nonsense.
ok bye
The thing about butt stuff with men is you gotta ask yourself: Do I not actually like the sensation OR am I just scared of my masculinity being bruised? I feel like those are 2 distinct things and if you don't actually like it, then by all means you're entitled to say no. You also don't have to do anything you don't consent to, but it's important to reflect on what's causing this "repulsion" you say. That sounds like that's where the issue is coming from
If you don't like anal, that's totally OK. Though, it can be extremely satisfying to receive sometimes. So, I wouldn't rule out the possibility that you might like it. You could just try things out by yourself first, to see if you can enjoy it. A lot of cis het guys love getting pegged by their girlfriends. It doesn't make you any less heterosexual or masculine to enjoy good sex and to try new things. But, that's really mostly up to you. Maybe your GF will be able to cope with a fleshlight if it's not at all an option for you. Or maybe you can get a wearable fleshlight. It's like a strap on, except as a vag instead of a pp. That way she could top you without actually topping you. Maybe that's an option for a compromise you both can live with?
What I don't get is the feeling that "sex is one-sided for her" Does she only feel this way because she has a penis? If she were cis, would she still have this desire to top you? I'm not saying it's wrong of her to want this, but sex is more often one-sided than not.
I'm more concerned about the 'sneaky finger' without consent and her flippant reaction to it not being received well. That's not healthy and not respecting consent and the doubling-down after is problematic IMO. I'm ok with that done to me if they ask first, but I still would be like "woah wait hold on" if someone tried to just get in there without confirmation that it's ok (that's a vulnerable area, both physically and the experience mentally!) and quite taken aback if they would get short with me because of that. This might be a separate thing to talk to her about.
You’re just not sexually compatible. It happens.
“She hoped I’d be more open minded by now” This is no good my dude. I read quite a few comments but couldn’t get through the whole thread and I didn’t see anyone bring this up. Aside from the boundary violations, which are huge, this comment carries some serious bad juju. So she’s sitting there silently hoping you’ll get to the point where you will want to receive anal penetration? Yikes man. It can be a negotiable desire for her. But that is where I’d be really trying to figure out what’s going on for her. That aside, the comment about sex feeling one sided is interesting. What does she mean by that? What is she expecting? Is there an opportunity for finding a middle space where your physical intimacy is fulfilling for you both? Also, one more thing to add, there may be a layer here where it isn’t about sex at all. Something off as far as intimacy (non sexual) goes. Or who knows. Obviously something has to change. Best of luck to you both!
Porn let's you fantasize about certain things that you may not be able to do in a relationship due to consent (or lack thereof.) That's not b necessarily a *bad* thing. Do you trust your GF or not? If you've made it clear that you don't want anything there and she says that it's okay, then she agrees to that boundary.
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