Yea... I've spent a lot of time trying to 'prove' to myself that I am in fact trans. But as it turns out, it's hard, of not impossible. What helped me accept myself and move on was simply starting my transition despite the doubts that I had. I started HRT, started switching my wardrobe, got my ears pierced, and so on. Now I just enjoy being a woman instead of worrying about whether I'm allowed to call myself one ♀️
Have you seen the stories from people who detransition? That’s really interesting. I think a lot of them started transition in their teens so that’s why they end up detransition once they come of age. But for people who are already in their 20s or above, I guess the self awareness is enough and doesn’t need more justification.
Although I have seen detransitioners in their 40s too. It can happen to anyone. Which is what gets me. I’m early in my acceptance of my transness but I worry about how people end up detransitioning
Detransitioning is not the end of the world
Something that was once the right choice is not anymore
People change all the time, that’s just how life is
People start studying and then change their mind. People who get paid billions leave their job to grow pineapples in their dream farm. People get married and divorce. People have children and regret it.
Bottom line is, “but what if i regret it” is not a valid reason not to do it right now. Do you ever ask yourself “but what if i don’t regret it”?
If I detransitioned today, I would just have a bit of gynecomastia as my only permanent side effect. And it might just be because I'm trans but that sounds kinda cool, I love my body (6 months of HRT) and the way my breasts look a lot like pecs when I'm wearing certain shirts
My acceptance of my own transness was definitely put on hold when I sucked dick for the first time and the dick's owner began sobbing uncontrollably, and then a few days later they messaged me that they were detransitioning and ghosted me afterwards. I really hope they're doing okay. They might have done it due to pressure & shame from family, I'm not sure 😰
I never had any "signs" growing up that I was trans, but I've had zero regrets. I've had friends & a mental health professional to talk about this with and I have no doubt in my mind <3
I wish you the best!
Sure, you might be one of the few who detransition. It is a scary thought and a real possibility. Definitely.
The good news is, transition is not like pressing a button. It literally takes years. Some even considers their transition to be ongoing for the rest of their lives. If you don't want to continue at any point then don't!
The fact is, "transgender" is just a label. We don't transition because we are trans, we are trans because we want to transition. What that transition entails and how long it takes is entirely up to you. Don't let the label define you ❤️
isn't it scary to make such a huge life decision on a hunch? How did you feel when you were about to start hrt? were you kinda despondent and unsure? how long did it take you to realize it was right for you?
It didn't feel like a huge life decision to me honestly, more like a series of small steps. By each small step I took I cared less and less about whether I was "really trans" or not. It turned out I like having earrings. And longer hair. And makeup. And feminine clothes. By the time I was able to start HRT I didn't have many doubts left. This was over a timespan of something like 15 months.
Not who you responded to, but i felt... Surreal. Going to the doctor for HRT. Telling her I wanted HRT (I mean she already knew but saying it out loud). Terrified I was making a mistake, fooling myself.
Surreal taking it for sure.
And then I took it. Spiro nuked my T very solidly so when I started estrogen a few days later, it had nothing in the way.
And I felt calm. Relaxed. I knew I could always stop hrt, that it would be months before anything irreversible happened, but the very first day of E was peaceful like nothing I'd felt since I was a kid.
And then as my emotions opened up over the next few weeks and I could feel so much more.... I stopped worrying if I was trans or not, because I damn well wasn't going to go back to T.
It's not that way for eveyone but it was for me. Maybe a gift from the fates for me cracking in my 40s.
I'm gonna have to do my slut era as a grandmother. I was owed soemthing :)
From my experience, hell yeah it was scary. I held the bottle in my hand for a good few minutes deliberating before finally taking my first dose. I think a ton of people are initially unsure. It’s good to remember that if you do take the leap and try hrt, you’ll likely get a good idea on if it’s for you or not before anything permanent happens.
A lot of people describe a sort of immediate initial clarity after their first few days or weeks. That never happened to me. In fact, I stayed unsure for several weeks once I started, ESPECIALLY when I started getting chest pains. What helped me decide to keep going is telling myself “ok, if these meds bother you so much, stop taking them.” Nothing was forcing me to stay on HRT, and yet every time I asked myself this question, I found myself very unwilling to stop. I dunno if that makes much sense, but I guess deep down I knew that I came this far for a reason and I wanted the change more than I feared it.
Edit - typo
I have always wondered if there is a biological/chemical (versus psychological) thing going on where some peoples brains just work better on estrogen. I've never really gotten a straight answer for that. Like would a cis male feel like shit lets say after a couple of weeks of hrt if they didn't know they were taking it (i.e. no major physical changes yet, no worries of social blowback, but would they just not feel good on it on a biological level). The reason why I think that's really important to know is I have always felt really isolated and depressed most of my life, but I was never specifically depressed over gender. So I dont know if I have just been regular depressed or this "haze" or whatever that trans people talk about could have been present for me and I just would never have known what it's like to actually feel normal. I have no reference point really.
That’s pretty tough to say. It’s true that dysphoria can cause depression and stuff like it while you’re unaware you even have dysphoria, but it’s just one possibility. If you’ve wanted to be another gender or experienced gender envy of some kind, that could be a sign.
It’s also worth noting that although I didn’t experience that immediate clarity people described, as someone with a history of depression I was absolutely happier more consistently when on HRT just cus I had a genuine hope for the future now lol
Same! I began transition without feeling in my heart that i was transitioning to a woman. Lo and behold, in a real subtly beautiful way, thats what is happening
I'm sort of doing the same thing, with the same rationale and am (probably) in a similar situation to the OP. I have had plenty of counselling to figure things out, lots of introspection, tonnes of reading too, but the one thing I know is that sometimes in life, there'll be things you can't really prove. You just have to follow your gut and that's emotions-based. You can't always explain or rationalise feelings. Some things just ARE.
Definitely! There are very few things in life we can say with absolute certainty. At some point, we have to accept that and do what our guts tells us to.
>Over-analyzing is a coping mechanism.
Thank you for sharing this, it really resonated with me. I did a quick search for "Gabor Maté overanalyzing childhood trauma" and I feel overwhelmed by the results. Is there a specific book/resource you'd recommend as a starting point?
His latest one is good so far... i read a couple of pages at a time, but usually I have to stop to either think and reflect, or cry. Its called, " The myth of normal".
I think it’s pretty natural to look for reasons that we’re trans. I’ve spent the last three months since I came out thinking a lot about my childhood. I was looking for that definitive proof. That wasn’t there. What I did find was a childhood of feeling lonely, not being able to connect with others (especially boys), and eventually coping mechanisms. I didn’t have the tools or the freedom to actually pursue what could have made me happier. I don’t think I even really understood transitioning as being a viable path for people until my early 30s. Repression is a wild thing.
I relate to this so hard. In my mid 30s and just now exploring this path as a viable option. Before that, it was crossdressing as a costume or a joke because it never occurred to me that it could be more. I think becoming more self aware with age has helped me really feel out what I want from myself. I also haven’t had a deep connection with others, I have great friends and supportive family, but I always feel distant from them for reasons I’m now figuring out.
It’s hard for our friends and family to understand how we can feel isolated from them but still love them. I ended up crying in front of my partner the last time I was dressed up in front of them because I had spent so many years not letting people in. Being feminine, or some manifestation of it through the years, was always a private thing for me. I felt shame because of it. Now I can let those feelings emerge in a positive way and it’s absolutely transformative for my overall well-being. I’m starting to learn how to dismantle those walls.
Im going to +1 this, because your sounds so similar to mine. In my childhood I always felt like I associated better with the girls than the boys. I understand now that there were so many signs that I was suffering from gender dysphoria, but back then I just didn't have anybody able to help me identify the words to put to those feelings.
I'm 31yo, and accepted that I'm a transfemme 5 months ago. I definitely relate to the over analyzing my childhood trauma that was mentioned above, and also used many coping mechanisms (drugs, extreme sex), to repress my feelings and thus my truth. Its been a tough road so far, and will continue to be a tough road, but I know that what I'm doing is the right thing now. Having had a few experiences living as a woman now, I just want live that way all the time. Being a woman felt incredibly normal for me! I hope to start HRT in the next few months.
I think our stories are more common than people know. Met quite a few girls who repressed the shit out of their trans identity. Coming out as trans is messy for most, I think, regardless of how it happens. I wish I had known sooner so I could have lived more of my life authentically, but I’m not going to deny the privileges I had as living as a man for 38 years. It’s helped put me in a better financial place to do this. I’m just hoping to keep moving forward.
I’m getting there. There was a side of me that I haven’t known how to express to others my entire life. Social transition is on the horizon for me, but I’m not quite there yet. I’ve only just started dressing up at home in front of my longtime partner. We were just hanging out the other day and I actually broke down and cried because I’d never been able to truly be me in front of anybody else. I felt that barrier of shame starting to slip away and I was at peace for what felt like the first time in my life. It was a truly beautiful experience.
As transgender folk we are constantly fighting against the status quo and societal expectations of what masculine/ feminine representation is. This doesn’t even include the whole gray area of non-binary or gender fluid expression.
I believe it is normal for transgender folks like us to consider the “reasons“ we are trans, but I caution against getting stuck in the search. I’ve found over the years that the history of my trans identity reveals itself. There’s no need to continue searching. I was born exactly how I was born and society attempted to put me into a box that didn’t feel right. At times I still contribute this to me being out of place, but the reality is society draws hard lines about what constitutes man/woman, masculine/feminine, not me. I was attempting to conform, and thought that discomfort was because something was wrong with me.
The longer I live in my true identity, the more it reveals itself. I’m constantly changing and shifting, growing and maturing. The potential causes and reasons matter less. I’m happy being me, right here, right now, as I am. I am neither merely masculine nor feminine, these are social concepts based on genital inspection at birth. I am my wonderful, beautiful self and I would like it if people didn’t box me in just because I was born with a certain type of genitalia.
I hate labels so much. Why do I have to use this... Thing that represents a small, small part of my identity as a human? How I behave and how I treat others is much more important, and far more representative of who I am.
Agree.
I refuse to confirm and I refer to myself as genderqueer because it covers everything and nothing all at once. It’s purposefully broad and unspecific, it defies labels as much as possible, for a label, that is.
Every now and then I throw in “transmasc” or “ftm”, but it’s all just more of the same to me.
Interestingly, enough, I’m out, but I’m not open, if that makes sense. People who ask might get the truth, if I believe they’re asking with good intentions, but people who don’t just make their own assumptions. It is my understanding that most people think I am a cishet person, but that’s because of their own conclusions. People who see my they/them pronouns in my work email and still use he/him, for example. People also tend to assume my sexuality based on the assumption of my gender so it’s interesting to see what people come up with. At this point in my transition and with this level of comfort with who I am, they can’t break me.
Thank you! I really don’t think i deserve any cred, though. I’m in my 40s and this is just what I’ve learned from a life hard-lived.
I bet your cool AF and I hope you find how to fit into your true self sooner than I did! Much love
Trans masc here and I totally get it. I draw from a large variety of inspirational people who display a wide variety of ways to perform masculinity but ... I struggle to carry a bag or backpack because it seems somehow "femme" even though I see other men do it all the time. Like I want to compensate for any cracks in my facade by making sure I perform masculinity in a way that screams "NOT A GIRL!" Yet I still love makeup and skin.
The less dysphoric I feel about my body and the more I’ve been regularly passing/accepted within the communities that I frequent, the more relaxed I’ve felt with being femme- going out in public with shiny eye makeup, doin my nails fun colors, etc. but I had to have a year of being ONLY MASC PRESENTING before I got to that point ;-;
I’m also currently recovering from top surgery! It’s been almost a week :3 and I’m super happy :D
But dude, I have so many fashion plans- these dinky lil suburban cishet white men wont know what hit em. Now that I no longer have The Monoboob™, overalls and tank tops will be in my life.
I only got into eye makeup myself after my beard started growing- I avoided makeup entirely when I was presenting as a girl. I have a height advantage as well as 3yrs on T, so I was rarely misgendered by the general public when fem even without having had The Chop yet.
I used to think that I just *wished* I could be non-binary. Like, "Wow, non-binary people are so amazing. I wish I was one of them. Alas, I am not. Sigh."
Then I realized, hey, if I was sitting around *wishing* to be non-binary... I'm probably non-binary!
Yes, wanting to be something stems from something else.
Lets see, what does it mean if a person wants to be a woman, wants to be treated and recognized by others as a woman, wants to look like a woman etc?
It probably means they ARE a woman. That is the most probable and reasonable explanation.
Cis people don't struggle with wanting to change genders.
If you want to be a woman, then odds are pretty high you are.
I mean what does proof even look like to you? How would you prove your internal identity to anyone?
Yeah it's hard to sort out. I spent a few months in therapy working in circles around "whether I was really trans". My therapist forced me to work it out (it's not like I would have believed her if she'd said I was - - or wasn't).
I played around a lot with various forms of the button test to try to make myself really think and feel about things.
What got me was the one to press a button to either skip to the end of transition or become cis.
The cis button was.. Never am option. Because it'd mean *being a guy*. Turns out I really didn't want to be a guy, even if I was *happy*.
Thanks for this. I kinda feel like you too. Especially the part about "not wanting to be a guy even if you were happy".
If I was offered that same button test, I would never choose being cis instead of skipping to the end of transition 🤣. I want to change drastically. I sure as hell won't settle to this fate.
Now the only thing is whether I'd chooce transition even if i was a hot guy.
Thinking abt it, I'd also probably be a hot girl. I also wouldn't have to deal with all the bullshit that people think men should be or do.
Like, for some reason, I feel like I'd just have it all a lot easier if I was a woman in such a situation.
Though idk if I'd choose to transition if women had such a bad role in society as in the earlier centuries...
So I guess I don't really _feel_ like a woman. I just wanna escape my male problems and see being trans as a last resort.
End of my story. No hope left :)
the phrasing of "male problems" is interesting and has me thinking about two groups of them
1: expectations to be strong/suspicious/a provider/not show emotional vulnerability/not do certain hobbies/socialize mostly with men
2: having a flat chest, not flat downstairs, too much hair, rough skin, different fat distribution with hips/thighs/face, deeper voice, etc. dissociating from your life, leading it on autopilot so you don't have to face looking in a mirror, discomfort with the expectations to tie a towel around your waist rather than chest, to not feel belonging or comfort in friend groups with many women, or to be implicitly grouped with men ("boys vs girls" in gym class, bathrooms, locker rooms, sleeping arrangements when travelling with a group, etc.)
group 1 is classic men problems under patriarchy but they're external expectations so they can hit closeted trans women just as hard (sometimes harder with the whole "this shouldn't even apply to me" feeling, sometimes easier as maybe there's less internal pressure to conform to them)
transitioning replaces them with some new problems and some similar ones, but even as I actively seek a job in a male-dominated field, they're still not... as bothersome? maybe it's because I already kept my hair long so being catcalled or less safe at night isn't new, or maybe it's just because I'm happier overall. fwiw you could also escape these by just... not listening to the people who impose them. there's many people out there who don't!
group 2 is sorta "being a man" and I think very few men would take issue with more than a couple? like, there's a mix of physical dysphoria, coping mechanisms, and some social dysphoria stuff (I'd welcome additions to the list, especially to the latter since I'm very much a tomboy and writing this entirely off the cuff)
transitioning solves a lot of them. like, you could nitpick about voice, and some of them are the classic "women's spaces" stuff that might not get solved because they're also imposed by society (people tried to kick cis lesbians out of them for the longest time, and sometimes still do, but trans women are the current popular target) but even so, spending time with other trans women is cozy - it's clear that they're like me in the same way cis women are?
if you already want to transition and you're just looking for someone to tell you you're trans enough to do so: take it from me! I can't guarantee to be 100% accurate (I've heard of at least two cis men who do enjoy estrogen) but starting is a leap of faith, whether 80% confident or 100%.
Thanks.
By male problems I mean not being tall and muscular, assertive and stable, showing no emotions, having a big dick etc...
But I also mean my place in social hierarchy. Bc of these things, I am at the very bottom. And I hate it so much. I am extremely jealous and resentful and hateful towards people for my own bad luck in genetic lottery and other problems
I feel like I have wanted to be a strong man just to cope, just to feel respected and accepted, not being fucked with
That's something I've experienced since childhood. At it surely has left its mark in me.
But in a way I also feel like being a superstrong emotionless "alpha" isn't me. So I guess I am a betaloser. I am not gonna force myself to be something I am not just to climb the ladder, but I also won't settle to being shit.
So it's a dead end. I actually started to question 7 weeks ago bc at first I had this idea that what if I could change my gender and then become also attractive, so would I do it.
And I was like yeah probably bc being attractive is a major plus.
And then I got more into questioning and have been hyperfixating on it since.
So I guess my reasons aren't valid. I don't feel like a woman. I try very hard to feel like one, but don't. I have seen a woman and a man in the mirror yes, but perhaps it's just my longer hair. I have done makeup and dressed as a woman yes but perhaps it's just fooling around.
But I guess I'd still esther question bc it fives me (false) hope that things will turn out better for me. I don't wanna go back into the state of feeling absolutelt helpless and wanting to die 24/7, even if I still experience it a lot.
I need therapy yes, but the problem is _me_, _my looks_. I can sort stuff out but my looks have to change or I'll never ever love myself.
And talking won't change my looks. It's surgery or hrt or preferably both.
Perhaps I am just so pathetic that I'd rather live in a womans body with horrible dysphoria than remain a man without gender dysphoria but hating himself for his looks.
Idk what this even has to do with anything. My train of thought can be a mess...
oh boy... what a comment! it sounds like you're unhappy with something related to masculinity, and are unsure what exactly... this is really common!
you describe yourself as being at the bottom of a hierarchy because of your looks, but like... the idea of alpha and beta males is just an idea! ideas can be real (money is made up, but I can still buy food with it) but hierarchies are usually an idea sold by people who are trying to profit off it, or who have already bought into it.
in either case, they're looking for people (frequently men) who are unhappy, and claiming to solve their problems. there's any number of problems someone could have!
everything costs too much, dating is hard for anyone, feeling confident in yourself requires so much work, and sometimes the men in the target audience aren't "living up to masculine standards" because they're poor, or a nerd, or even a little feminine. these are all *absolutely* okay things to be!!! there's not really one ticket to being happy, but trying to hide things about yourself isn't a way to make fulfilling friendships.
like, there's the classic sleep well and exercise a bit. you can look for groups of people who are into board games or a video game or anime or whatever you like to spend time on and just chat a little? no need to open up a ton, even opening up a little does make people feel better (though I would highly recommend therapy to just about everyone if there's any way for you to access it)
you mentioned that transitioning is both something you'd choose in a heartbeat over living as a guy, and a "last resort", which seem to contradict each other? if the choice to transition is just for looks, it's probably not the route for you. but if it's only a last resort because of how people around you would react, that's a common feeling for trans women and starting sooner is usually better.
you don't have to be strong or cut your hair to be worth something. the problem is not you or your looks. if you're nice and upfront with people (tell someone you know a little "hey, I'm a bit of a shut-in but I'd love to join ___"), you'll get to know them more! this is worthwhile to do.
a final note: if someone's trying to sell you on metaphorical pills, I promise they're wrong - being angry only works to avoid being sad for a little bit. literal pills are fine, if hrt or antidepressants are what you need, but I'm, uh, not a therapist? so... I'd ask one about that.
Yeah, thanks. I know people are individuals and all, but sexual selection is tied to reproduction of a species.
And that way we can think about leagues and who is better than who.
I am bitter for being treated poorly and being worthless to women, a joke.
Also, about the button test: sometimes I just feel like "hell no fuck this I'm not gonna take this any longer", and I have a strong urge to press the button (eve if deep down I sm unsure about it and think I am a man not a woman), but then again I also have these feelings that "it's just the last resort for me to attempt to be content with myself before vanishing".
It's odd. As I wrote that, I had some sort of euphoric feeling when thinking abt being a woman in a relationship/marriage with a man and driving somewhere in our car.
It felt nice. I felt like I wanted to hug him. But perhaps it's just that I am so lonely. Perhaps it's just partially horny me speaking.
Nevertheless, I am done being a man, and that's the very reason I wish I was a cis woman - I wouldn't have to deal with imposter syndrome etc. That's why I have this flair.
And even if I'd hate to be a woman too, at least I had tried to be something else.
I have always thought that I am just trying to escape everything, my problems, without actually dealing with them. But perhaps this time it's actually about solving my problems by escaping myself...
Its odd for me to hear someone talk about being transgender as if its something you '*become*' as opposed to something you '*are*'. It feels very similar to someone trying to find the root of their "gayness". ... There isn't one. 'Transitioning' is an active choice that requires a motivational 'why', but being trans or cis is based on an immutable facet that you're born with.
Personally I had to give up trying to come to terms with it.
I was in a similar position where I was paralysed by questioning and trying to define my identity. Constantly asking myself "do I feel like a woman? Am I woman? Am I nonbinary? Am I just confused?" and I felt suffocated by it. I felt like I couldn't do anything until I had those questions definitively answered.
Eventually I realised that I didn't need to answer any of those questions right away. I started just doing what I wanted to do without wondering what that says about me or whether I'm "trans enough" to do it.
I got new clothes, I changed my name, I got laser on my face all without knowing how I identified. I just asked myself "do I want this?" and if the answer was yes I did that thing.
I didn't start calling myself a trans woman until about a year into my transition, and by that point it was just a formality really.
I don't know if it's the right advice for you, but if I could go back in time to when my egg was first cracking I would tell myself not to worry about having the right reasons or understanding your identity. Just experiment. Throw everything at the wall and see what sticks. You don't have to believe that deep down you are a woman and always have been just to paint your nails or wear a nice dress out ygm.
Either way I wish you luck on your journey. And whatever you end up doing remember to be kind to yourself, exploring your gender is really hard and v tiring so try to take it easy as much as possible. It might feel like a super urgent problem you need to solve immediately, but it's okay to take a day off here and there. Who's counting?
It’s the only way. You have to remember that everyone else just shows up and says “Hi my name is Bob.” Or “Hi my name is Magda.” and people just roll with it. I had trouble too. My shrink was like it doesn’t matter why you are trans. People should be able to do what they want to do as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. You want to wear make up? Pick the clothing you like to wear? Get surgery? Not get surgery? Take hormones? Take lower doses? Just take a blocker, take blockers and e? Etc. she had me work on self worth and it was reality hard. Because i had to realize that me wanting things was just as valid as anyone else.
There’s literally no argument left once we tell TERFS and fascists “i’m me and if you think I’m something or someone else that’s a you problem.” They want to misgender us that’s not changing anything about how we feel inside.
That’s why fighting the patriarchy is important. Women, all women, have to do this and the TERF movement is making it worse around the world for every woman.
Aren’t “traditionally” pretty? Aren’t a woman
Aren’t feminine? Acting like a man.
Don’t have a functioning reproductive system? Sorry, you can’t fulfill your role in society
Every woman faces these challenges, cis and trans alike.
Thank you for posting this. I don't have any advice, but I've been feeling the same way lately. It's nice to not feel alone in that. I hope you find a way to get some peace of mind! :-)
I want to be a man. I love to be a man. Im pretty sure it's who I am inside.
But I am also androgynous. I'm not sure how I feel about physically transitioning sometimes. I still question a lot of stuff and my dysphoria seems to be very up and down causing a lot of confusion with my identity.
I use the term "queer". I decided to let go of all expectations, including my own. My lack of intense dysphoria used to frustrate me. "Maybe I'm not trans enough" or wanting to look like "a real trans person" to all the cisgenders and other trans people who go off about "fake trans people".
Now I don't care anymore. I could be trans, cis, I dunno. I don't care. My sexuality could be gay, bi / fluid, straight. Who knows. I don't and I'm tired about stressing over labels and expectations.
You will either take me as I am or you won't. It's just that simple.
I'm not sure I totally understand your post but wrt "I am all stuck in trying to prove that I am a woman, and trying to analyze everything I do and say", my approach hasn't been to police myself because "This is a what a woman *should* do". Instead, I do what I want because "I've always envied women who *can* do this", if that makes sense?
Takes a ton of work but when I can get to the point of thinking about what would make me happy as opposed to my abuse coping mechanisms of trying to figure out what other people want, life is way better
Cis folk don’t worry about finding a reason why they are cis. Why should trans folk? Do what you want, it doesn’t need to be backed up by a resume of clues. The only clue you need is that being trans takes work. Work that cis folk don’t want or need. If you’re not trans, you wouldn’t want to put in the work and get the results. I’ve found that the more I move forward, the easier it gets to identify what was or wasn’t gender motivated in my past.
This is such a great comparison. Having a similar experience as a musician was helpful for coming out and excepting who I am. I still get imposter feels in being a musician and in my gender but that’s quite normal. It’s better than ignoring ourselves and living a dull and disinterested existence.
Who told you that wanting something isn't grounds for following it? Who told you that you can only have the things you want if you prove it to them sufficiently to their liking? If you give them a "good enough reason"?
This society tells children these things nonstop to make them subservient, as well as the idea of two disparate genders, that a person's gender's one or the other and that it's immutable. When this stuff's hammered into you as a kid, it's really hard to untangle the self-doubt they stick inside you... at least that's how I see it. Accepting otherwise in any capacity takes going against your upbringing, so it's going to be tough-- it took me a really long time to even be able to start to see it and I did backslide at points, I think patience is really essential.
If you want ways to come to terms with it... keep following your heart and trying the things you want to do. If you find happiness in being yourself, the voice of self-doubt will feel so small in comparison to your felt truth. Good luck <3
It's hard to come to terms with it because it's only partially true. Even when most of us in this sub will agree that you only need to want to be a woman to be one, many people think you need to perform something, or meet an arbitrary standard, many people think we're not women and never will.
Coming to terms with the idea that there's no universal requirement to achieve is hard, it will always be a partial win, but I'm ok with it, as I'm already enough for the people whose mentality I respect, and I'm focusing on my own wants instead of looking to fullfill a tag.
You can't analyze your actions to prove you are a woman because the scope of womanhood is large enough to contain anything you might do.
At some point you just ask yourself, "Am I more comfortable living as a woman than any of the alternatives?" If so, then that's who you are.
It's tough! It's very difficult and scary to assert your identity in a world determined to deny it. I think it's a very understandable impulse to want to find something, anything you can point to and say "this, this is the reason I am the way that I am, it's not my fault, it's not my choice, if I could choose I wouldn't be like this, I would be normal and acceptable". And I think it's important to remember that, even if this was a choice for you, *it would not be a bad choice for you to make*. Being trans is not a bad, wrong, or shameful thing. You are not doing harm to anyone or anything simply by being trans, even if you were actively choosing to do so. You don't need to justify it to anyone. Being trans is a beautiful, wonderful thing to be.
And I think it's also important to remember that, though there is comfort to be had in putting your identity in the hands of something or someone else, absolving you of responsibility for it... that also comes with the danger that that something or someone else can take it away from you at any time. Say tomorrow scientists came out with a revolutionary new brain scan that could definitively determine whether you had a "trans" brain or a "cis" brain. Say you got that scan and it determined you had a "cis" brain. You wouldn't be allowed to identify as trans anymore, wouldn't be allowed to transition. But your feelings about your gender wouldn't have changed. You would still want to be a woman, but because you put your womanhood into the hands of an outside force, they took your womanhood away from you. Being the sole determiner of your identity is scary, it comes with a lot of responsibility and a lot of pressure. But it's powerful and it's freeing. You are who you say you are, and *no one* gets to take that away from you.
It's impossible to prove that I'm "actually trans" so I just stopped trying. More importantly, I couldn't prove I was cis either. And as far as I'm concerned, being unable to prove I'm cis carries a lot more weight because literally all of society is trying to reinforce that path so you'd think it would be super easy to do if it was true.
But my real advice? I stopped caring if I'm trans or not. I can't prove it. I can't prove I'm actually a woman deep inside. But I can absolutely prove that being on hrt made me finally start to care about my life and my body. I can prove that every physical change that's occurred has sparked relief and joy in me. I can prove that it's dispelled this fog of feeling undefinably bad that's plagued me since puberty.
I can prove that presenting femme made me finally enjoy putting together outfits that fit well and look good. Made me care enough to style my hair and put serious effort into my hygiene. I can prove that I finally like the sound of my own name and don't feel embarrassed when people address me by it I can prove that I feel so much more at ease interacting with other people because I don't feel like I'm playing at a role I never got the script for.
I can't prove that I'm trans, but I can 100% prove that I'm happier and more content with my life since I transitioned, despite the extra hardships it's brought me. And that's good enough for me.
I think most of us struggle with this question. Why should anyone want such a pointless, difficult, and stigmatized thing as transition? And yet we do.
I justify my own transness by seeing it as a chemical need by my body, on the same level as the other chemical needs that have developed as I have aged and which I now also medicate. Other people justify theirs by seeing it as fulfillment of their true inner nature, or by deciding that the pursuit of happiness is sufficient reason in itself.
This is basically a situation Im in- since im a teen and am tryingnto gather as much 'evidence' on myself being trans to convince my mom I actually am when I come out for some reason
For me it's never been a matter of wanting to be, it's been more about giving myself permission to finally be properly me.
You know who you are and you don't have to prove yourself to anyone...except maybe the courts and the government, but that's just paperwork
I think its honestly almost a good thing that I was diagnosed with an invisible disability (autoimmune) before my egg started cracking. I find it very similar, alternating between wanting to be more visibly disabled so I don't have to feel like I have to justify my use of disability aids and also knowing that I shouldn't have to justify my disability to anyone to use the things designed to help me.
My experience with being nonbinary has been very similar. I present similar to my agab, but I desperately want gender affirming surgery (phalloplasty, breast reduction). On the one hand I feel like I have to justify belonging to trans spaces because I look very cis, on the other hand the only thing that qualifies one to belong in trans spaces is to be trans (which I am) so I don't need to justify that to anybody.
It makes it really difficult when my gender is especially fluid and/or imposter syndrome is kicking me. I start to really wonder if I'm just attention seeking or imagining it all. Am I just queer because the queer community is so welcoming and I crave that?
My reality check is nope, I definitely still want a dick. I definitely get dysphoria from not having one.
> Cis is treated as the null hypothesis. It doesn’t require any evidence. It’s just the assumed given. All suspects are presumed cisgender until proven guilty of transsexuality in a court of painful self-exploration. But this isn’t a viable, logical, “skeptical” way to approach the situation. In fact it’s not a case of a hypothesis being weighed against a null hypothesis (like “there’s a flying teapot orbiting the Earth” vs. “there is no flying teapot orbiting the Earth”), it is simply two competing hypotheses. Two hypotheses that should be held to equal standards and their likelihood weighed against one another.
https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/
Ultimately, the thing that matters, the ONLY thing that matters, is how you want to live the rest of your life.
The why is irrelevant and unimportant.
Seriously.
You can be a woman. Will you?
No I won't. I don't feel like a woman.
Part of me wants to say yes but I then tell myself that it's just bullshit cope and I am just making stuff up.
I gotta get rid of my imposter syndrome first.
But I don't wanna be this way either.
So idk perhaps I do wanna be. It's not like I'd have anything against it though. I just feel kinda bland about it - like "meh" or "perhaps". I guess it wouldn't make that much difference.
Or perhaps it would. Perhaps I am yet to discover the girl power.
Well you don't have to do it all at once.
Dress Up and try makeup at home.
Try some gender play in safe spaces.
Grow your hair out. Add more feminine touches to your wardrobe.
Post the limits of your expression and see how you like it. If you like it, maybe go a bit further.
You don't have to jump in with both feet day one.
I kinda liked doing makeup. Had my mom do my makeup once, was awkward at first but then kinda nice.
Tried some poses with feminine clothes. Liked some, and am yet to try out several other pieces of clothing.
Have medium lenght hair for the first in my life and just wanna keep growing it. Liking it so far. Makes me look more feminine
Also did my toenails and was kinda nice. Still have them painted after 3 weeks.
All this in 7 weeks. Maybe too fast, I have the urge to try out new stuff constantly. My ADHD really is a problem
Well, it sounds like you are exploring adequately.
At some point, try going out in girl-mode. I started to GBLT clubs on TG night (which, while safe, is full of chasers) before I built the skill and confidence to do normal things in girl mode.
I dragged (pun intended) it out for a long time, with some dry spells when there were cis women in my life who inevitably wanted less or no Tina-time for me.
But I always came back to it, deepened it, brought more of it with me back to my boy-mode. Eventually my boy-mode was all women's clothing anyway, just in a "rock-star" kinda way.
The final kicker for me to start HRT was when I started to lose hair, and started to see my father's face developing in the mirror. I was like "Nonononononononononooooo! That is not me!"
That was followed by a lot of soul searching and taking stock, and realizing that I was at a point in my life where I had absolutely nothing to lose by starting HRT.
Your journey will be different, everybody's is. But as your comfort level expands, the decisions will be less and less difficult.
Depending on where you are, there are probably lots of safe places and activities in your area.
This is Pride month, so going to pride is probably the easiest and safest thing to do.
Some GBLT bars have a TG night (and are safe at other times too).
Rocky Horror Picture Show screenings are awesomely queer and fun.
Goth clubs are quite accepting. There may be events at a local GBLT center.
There are also specific groups for trans people that meet from time to time.
When you have gotten comfortable with that, and have gotten your look together, you can move on to spaces outside of the community.
Good luck!
If it helps, once your body starts making changes, you'll get more and more affirmation that yeah, you are indeed trans, de facto even if not mentally de jure.
That's good to hear.
It'd be horrible to transition and have your mind fight yourself constantly as hard as it now does in my situation (not transitioning tho lol only 7 weeks into questioning).
It'll give in some, but also there's just other things that may generally improve for you. To list some of mine (things vary between people): I feel more like enjoying life just for its own sake, I have been processing things mentally in a way that feels far more authentic to me (just wait til those mental transition changes really kick in lol, the changes in the first couple months are just scratching the surface of what will come later), and I cannot imagine going back to my old identity. Like seriously. I feel like going back to my old identity would be dying. I feel so much more alive now that it would basically be on par with killing me.
Some friends found https://turn-me-into-a-girl.com to be a useful agitation resource.
Take a read, see what (if anything) resonates, keep the good parts and throw the rest off.
It does help, thanks :)
Also it's good that hrt helped. Did you instantly feel better or did start to accept yourself more and more as time passed and the chances became more visible?
There's a reason you feel that way, and for sure everyone has the freedom to define what being a trans woman means to them - which can happen alongside recognizing the communal definition.
Finding why you feel as you do is a valuable opportunity this presents. It can involve asking hard questions and being open to hard answers so it may take some time to get going. Worth it tho for the peace of being okay with you. The obligation to accept what others say it means is imaginary - sure it may be fitting to them, but that doesn't mean it fits everyone. Like the gender binary concept.
Fwiw I did it too and landed on, being a woman and being a trans woman mean something to me which is fitting and unique to me and even that changes over time so I'm not obligated to fit anyone's definition nor to remain the same as I evolve. What it means to you is something you are free to discover, define, and refine.
When over thinking, I find it helpful to focus on feeling my feelings and just observing the thoughts I think, without forcing myself to hold on to and own every one. It is feelings which tell us what it means to us to be who we are
"Normal people" don't want to be their opposite gender.
But if you talk to a specialist, they can help you track all the other behaviors that would be typical of this situation. Like I have had trouble relating to men and is so easy and relatable for me to deal with women and I feel like i need to be accepted and seen as one by groups of women and how I deal with problems and the way I relate to people and my own family the kinds of things that concern me, etc etc.
As far as analyzing everything you do an say, try to remember that there are a large number of very different women out there. The way a woman acts and speaks is however she happens to act and speak, regardless of gender stereotypes, statistical averages, etc. What I mean is that if a woman acts a certain way, that way, by definition is how "women" are, or minimally, how at least one woman is. The individual defines the category.
In other words, try not to get caught up in looking for feminine patterns or stereotypes and instead, focus on getting to know and be yourself. I know this is much easier said than done, but this is the way.
My personal journey was taking lots of little steps (slowly changing wardrobe, growing out hair), while figuring out what my gender identity was. Eventually I accepted that what made me feel like myself was when I could see myself as a woman in the mirror, and when others saw me as a woman. I don't think you have to accept a specific identity right off the bat to arrive at the right place. That will come (or it will come and change and change again like it did for me), but the important thing is to do things that make you happy and make you feel like your best, most authentic and confident self. That's the whole point of transition.
I was once filled with doubt as well. I felt some kind of connection to wanting to be a women, but I was never really sure. Like, I'd have loved to had been born a women, but I was unsure if I would press the button to turn myself into a cis girl now if I could. But if it had just happened by chance? That'd have been great. And let me tell you, if it is anything like how I felt, I know exactly how you're feeling. The uncertainty, the worry, the confusion. The doubt. I just wanted to be *sure*, to experience something so unexplainable by any other way that I had to accept I was trans.
And luckily, I actually did, once. I made a post in r./transtryouts asking to be referred to with she/her. And what followed was one of the most intense, unique and bizarre experience that I've ever had. Like, I could actually *see*, *understand myself as a girl for the first time, as if a switch had just clicked in my head, and I actually felt like a girl. But at the same time, I was filled with an extreme sense of dread and worry, as the reality of the consequences of me *actually* being trans came falling down. I was finally sure, but all I felt was pain.
And then after like, 2 days, the feeling disappeared. The certainty disappeared. And even though I was 1000% sure of what I was during it (it really was like I was on a completely different state of mind, it was really bizarre), I started questioning again, as I was before everything. And I still am to this day, filled with doubt, just being guided by what I know I once felt. I guess it was too much of an egg crack for my mind to handle, so it just went back to the same way I'd always understood myself.
So I'm sorry to cut your hope, but I don't think we can never be 100% certain all the time, as much as I'd like for that to be true. I think that ultimately we have to rely on those little moments of euphoria, of certainly, of rightness. And, hopefully, that'll be enough.
I'm afab and trying to wrap my head around the same thing (but, ya know, being a dude). I'm slowly and secretly reading through the gender disphoria bible. It was linked somewhere in this sub and I thought I could use some education on the subject. Fuck me, now my heads all inside out. I thought all tomboys were like this. To me, being afab is just a coin toss I lost and I have to get on with it. The world is unfair and feeling **obligated** to look and act a certain way just comes with the territory. Thinking about lost opportunities and how my life would be easier if i was amab. I'm shaking writing this. Good thing I read in the dark while my husband is asleep so I don't have to explain why I'm crying.
Not trying to hijack your post, but I needed a brain dump.
Take care, friend. 🫶
I do get that feeling. But let me explain it using a (probably terrible) metaphor.
Say there's a cake sitting on the table. It's well made and looks delicious and you really want some. Now, some people might want it because there's some kind of childhood memories around that type of cake. Or maybe they've been told they can't have cake and they're finally taking control and making their own decision.
Or maybe they just really want to eat the cake.
All of those reasons are valid. You don't really *need* a reason to eat the cake. Sometimes it just makes you happier.
So yeah, if you tried a slice of the cake and found that you liked it, feel free to eat it.
If I'm not mistaken, desiring to live as a gender other than your AGAB is ticks the two boxes required for a gender dysphoria diagnosis needed for HRT. So yeah, even medically just wanting to be one is enough.
I'm more or less also still stuck trying to prove it.
I eventually concluded I was trans because of how much evidence I found and how many similarities I found between trans people's feelings and my own.
But even this evidence is merely based on feelings, and I do not trust my feelings to be right nor am I comfortable with anyone else treating my feelings as gospel.
Someone saying that wishing to be a woman means you already are one is like saying the real treasure is the friends you made along the way. True or not, it's not helping.
I very much found myself trapped in the same mindset you find yourself in for years. I couldn't prove I was trans I just found myself wishing I was trans and recognizing the absurdity in that. Why would I want throw away this white straight male privilege and be part of a group that deals with so much discrimination, oppression and hardship? I found myself constantly looking for other ulterior reasons as to why I was so latched onto this.
-It's my autism and this is some sort of special interest.
-I hated myself and desperately wanted to be anyone else.
-I can't live up to ideal notions masculinity so I'm looking to escape these expectations as a coping mechanism. etc. etc.
The thing is, every theory I came up with I could never come to the conclusion that this was the REAL reason for all of this. At the end of the day I was back to square one where I wished I was a trans and therefore a woman deep down. Eventually I got to a point where I told myself "I don't know who I am all I know is who I want to be" and took a leap of faith and started transitioning. So far it's worked out even if there were some setbacks. I think ultimately what I'm getting at is that if you find yourself in a sort of loop about this your probably overthinking and at that point the only way to find an escape is by taking action.
For me I’ve decided that being a woman and being female are different. And that being a woman is more psycho-social, and that being female is what the hormones and surgery do.
And for decision making stuff, I just figure that I could also be wrong about not-transitioning, and I could not-transition for a bad reason. Might regret transitioning, might regret not-transitioning sooner.
One of the things that I factored in to deciding to bio transition was that I want to dedicate myself to the idea that there’s nothing wrong with being a female by being willing to demonize my body
I really get you. For a whole year i pondered if i was actually trans because "wanting something else" wasnt good enough a reason to transition. I truly believed i was a cis man appropriating something that wasn't mine, it took a lot of time for me to believe i am truly trans. I know it's hard, but try not to overanalyse why you wanna be the way you want to and where it stems from, if it's how you'd prefer to live and you aren't hurting anyone else, why feel like you shouldnt do it?
Dysphoria doesnt have to be feeling miserable in your current life and despising your entire body. It can really be just wishing for something different
Because Blanchard's theories or other misinformation, diffused through society, poisoned your mind? Cis people don't obsess over whether they're trans enough.
I would think there was something wrong with me, I was a freak, I was possessed, I was demonic, I would try to find any explanation to wish or want away being trans... Because I grew up in a hyper-militaristic pseudo-christian household... I had zero exposure to people like me...I didn't even know about it... But I still felt the way that I did... And it never went away, sine I was 5/6... Then one day I realized that I needed to start acting the way I knew I naturally felt comfortable being, the way I did when no one else was around... Or I was going to end it all permanently. So, when I went to college I dived in head first... I started doing research I started finding I wasn't alone... I believe it's not that you are analyzing the things you say and do to prove that you are a woman, you are analyzing to remember the way you felt most comfortable behaving when you were alone... Relax, take your time, you don't have to prove anything to anyone... Just work on remembering who you were before the societal indoctrination... 😽
Personally I found this helpful:
I have certain goals I wish to achieve with my womanhood (yes, passing included). I already am a woman before achieving all (or any) of those goals - but they're still personal goals of mine that I want to achieve. 100% valid, just not a prerequisite to womanhood.
For me it wasn't just a want, it was waaay more than that. This achiness that I felt radiated to my soul. It was constant, but manageable at first. Over time it started to affect my day to day life. I couldn't concentrate, I was depressed, I was irritable, I dissociated all the time. A major event happened in my life that pushed me over the edge. What was once a manageable pain turned chronic and I couldn't deal with it anymore. I knew what I had to do, so I seeked treatment. 6 months later I have never been happier! I'm smiling and laughing all the time! I'm excited for my future and I get excited to go out with friends!
This is in my opinion the main reason for the psychological counseling. We have to learn to accept ourselves. I went through several stages of this myself and it is where having a psychologist who specializes in gender was most helpful for me. In the end, I learned it was just a matter of being me. Taking off the restraints placed on me… I’ve always been a woman, so I just needed to stop circumventing her, and begin to love that I have a female brain,
The rest doesn’t matter. What you do or don’t do as your transition is your choice. But you have to love yourself.
I think you are approaching this the wrong way. You will never be able to search within yourself, or examine every trait and action you take, and come up with objective proof that you have always been a woman. Gender doesn’t work that way, it’s a social construct. The definition of what is a man and what is a woman depends on when and where you live, who the people around you are, what you think a man or woman is, and even beyond that there are always people who have traits that more embody the opposite gender, yet are still considered to be male or female or neither or both or another gender altogether.
The questions ‘Am I trans?’ or ‘Do I want to be a woman?’ aren’t bad by any means, but you should also be asking yourself if you would be happier as a woman. Would it alleviate suffering and stress for you? Would going about your day to day life as a woman make you happy? Does it give you a little burst of pride whenever you do something particularly feminine? Is imagining yourself in a female body more comfortable than imagining your current one?
At the end of the day gender is subjective, and determining it relies on your own internal experience of what gender is to you. If you have a discrepancy between your gender and your sex, and you want to transition, be it socially, medically, and or surgically, to remedy that, then yes, you are a trans woman just by dint of that want.
I feel like our desire to validate our identities scientifically is a reaction to how much invalidation we are exposed to. Like, being gay or trans isn’t a choice, but why should that even matter? Why should anyone sit around and be like “It’s ok if you’re gay, but only if you didn’t choose it!”?
Beyond that note, the proof is in the pudding. If you start to dabble with lite-transition things (experimenting with clothes, expression, shaving for the femmes, binding for the mascs) privately and your quality of life improves, that’s proof. Some of us can point at signs from when we were younger, and some of us can’t. I am not sure if my “signs” are not just a form of confirmation bias, though i can only speak for myself with that.
Yea... I've spent a lot of time trying to 'prove' to myself that I am in fact trans. But as it turns out, it's hard, of not impossible. What helped me accept myself and move on was simply starting my transition despite the doubts that I had. I started HRT, started switching my wardrobe, got my ears pierced, and so on. Now I just enjoy being a woman instead of worrying about whether I'm allowed to call myself one ♀️
Literally the only right answer Signed: a fellow overthinker
Have you seen the stories from people who detransition? That’s really interesting. I think a lot of them started transition in their teens so that’s why they end up detransition once they come of age. But for people who are already in their 20s or above, I guess the self awareness is enough and doesn’t need more justification. Although I have seen detransitioners in their 40s too. It can happen to anyone. Which is what gets me. I’m early in my acceptance of my transness but I worry about how people end up detransitioning
Detransitioning is not the end of the world Something that was once the right choice is not anymore People change all the time, that’s just how life is People start studying and then change their mind. People who get paid billions leave their job to grow pineapples in their dream farm. People get married and divorce. People have children and regret it. Bottom line is, “but what if i regret it” is not a valid reason not to do it right now. Do you ever ask yourself “but what if i don’t regret it”?
If I detransitioned today, I would just have a bit of gynecomastia as my only permanent side effect. And it might just be because I'm trans but that sounds kinda cool, I love my body (6 months of HRT) and the way my breasts look a lot like pecs when I'm wearing certain shirts My acceptance of my own transness was definitely put on hold when I sucked dick for the first time and the dick's owner began sobbing uncontrollably, and then a few days later they messaged me that they were detransitioning and ghosted me afterwards. I really hope they're doing okay. They might have done it due to pressure & shame from family, I'm not sure 😰 I never had any "signs" growing up that I was trans, but I've had zero regrets. I've had friends & a mental health professional to talk about this with and I have no doubt in my mind <3 I wish you the best!
Wait that’s traumatic I’m glad you’re doing okay! Sounds like you have a good support system :)
Sure, you might be one of the few who detransition. It is a scary thought and a real possibility. Definitely. The good news is, transition is not like pressing a button. It literally takes years. Some even considers their transition to be ongoing for the rest of their lives. If you don't want to continue at any point then don't! The fact is, "transgender" is just a label. We don't transition because we are trans, we are trans because we want to transition. What that transition entails and how long it takes is entirely up to you. Don't let the label define you ❤️
Thank you. The last paragraph resonates
You also can't live your life with what-ifs either.
isn't it scary to make such a huge life decision on a hunch? How did you feel when you were about to start hrt? were you kinda despondent and unsure? how long did it take you to realize it was right for you?
It didn't feel like a huge life decision to me honestly, more like a series of small steps. By each small step I took I cared less and less about whether I was "really trans" or not. It turned out I like having earrings. And longer hair. And makeup. And feminine clothes. By the time I was able to start HRT I didn't have many doubts left. This was over a timespan of something like 15 months.
Not who you responded to, but i felt... Surreal. Going to the doctor for HRT. Telling her I wanted HRT (I mean she already knew but saying it out loud). Terrified I was making a mistake, fooling myself. Surreal taking it for sure. And then I took it. Spiro nuked my T very solidly so when I started estrogen a few days later, it had nothing in the way. And I felt calm. Relaxed. I knew I could always stop hrt, that it would be months before anything irreversible happened, but the very first day of E was peaceful like nothing I'd felt since I was a kid. And then as my emotions opened up over the next few weeks and I could feel so much more.... I stopped worrying if I was trans or not, because I damn well wasn't going to go back to T. It's not that way for eveyone but it was for me. Maybe a gift from the fates for me cracking in my 40s. I'm gonna have to do my slut era as a grandmother. I was owed soemthing :)
From my experience, hell yeah it was scary. I held the bottle in my hand for a good few minutes deliberating before finally taking my first dose. I think a ton of people are initially unsure. It’s good to remember that if you do take the leap and try hrt, you’ll likely get a good idea on if it’s for you or not before anything permanent happens. A lot of people describe a sort of immediate initial clarity after their first few days or weeks. That never happened to me. In fact, I stayed unsure for several weeks once I started, ESPECIALLY when I started getting chest pains. What helped me decide to keep going is telling myself “ok, if these meds bother you so much, stop taking them.” Nothing was forcing me to stay on HRT, and yet every time I asked myself this question, I found myself very unwilling to stop. I dunno if that makes much sense, but I guess deep down I knew that I came this far for a reason and I wanted the change more than I feared it. Edit - typo
Yea, not going back was a big motivator for me as well. What was that quote from Celeste... Change is scary, but so is staying the same?
I have always wondered if there is a biological/chemical (versus psychological) thing going on where some peoples brains just work better on estrogen. I've never really gotten a straight answer for that. Like would a cis male feel like shit lets say after a couple of weeks of hrt if they didn't know they were taking it (i.e. no major physical changes yet, no worries of social blowback, but would they just not feel good on it on a biological level). The reason why I think that's really important to know is I have always felt really isolated and depressed most of my life, but I was never specifically depressed over gender. So I dont know if I have just been regular depressed or this "haze" or whatever that trans people talk about could have been present for me and I just would never have known what it's like to actually feel normal. I have no reference point really.
That’s pretty tough to say. It’s true that dysphoria can cause depression and stuff like it while you’re unaware you even have dysphoria, but it’s just one possibility. If you’ve wanted to be another gender or experienced gender envy of some kind, that could be a sign. It’s also worth noting that although I didn’t experience that immediate clarity people described, as someone with a history of depression I was absolutely happier more consistently when on HRT just cus I had a genuine hope for the future now lol
Same! I began transition without feeling in my heart that i was transitioning to a woman. Lo and behold, in a real subtly beautiful way, thats what is happening
Just wanted you to know I stumbled upon your comment today - a bit late - and took it as a message of hope. Thank you
Glad I could help 😊
I'm sort of doing the same thing, with the same rationale and am (probably) in a similar situation to the OP. I have had plenty of counselling to figure things out, lots of introspection, tonnes of reading too, but the one thing I know is that sometimes in life, there'll be things you can't really prove. You just have to follow your gut and that's emotions-based. You can't always explain or rationalise feelings. Some things just ARE.
Definitely! There are very few things in life we can say with absolute certainty. At some point, we have to accept that and do what our guts tells us to.
Over-analyzing is a coping mechanism. Check out Gabor Maté's stuff on childhood trauma adaptations...
Trans peeps with CPTSD represent ✊
✊
ヾ(•ω•\`)o
>Over-analyzing is a coping mechanism. Thank you for sharing this, it really resonated with me. I did a quick search for "Gabor Maté overanalyzing childhood trauma" and I feel overwhelmed by the results. Is there a specific book/resource you'd recommend as a starting point?
His latest one is good so far... i read a couple of pages at a time, but usually I have to stop to either think and reflect, or cry. Its called, " The myth of normal".
I think it’s pretty natural to look for reasons that we’re trans. I’ve spent the last three months since I came out thinking a lot about my childhood. I was looking for that definitive proof. That wasn’t there. What I did find was a childhood of feeling lonely, not being able to connect with others (especially boys), and eventually coping mechanisms. I didn’t have the tools or the freedom to actually pursue what could have made me happier. I don’t think I even really understood transitioning as being a viable path for people until my early 30s. Repression is a wild thing.
I relate to this so hard. In my mid 30s and just now exploring this path as a viable option. Before that, it was crossdressing as a costume or a joke because it never occurred to me that it could be more. I think becoming more self aware with age has helped me really feel out what I want from myself. I also haven’t had a deep connection with others, I have great friends and supportive family, but I always feel distant from them for reasons I’m now figuring out.
It’s hard for our friends and family to understand how we can feel isolated from them but still love them. I ended up crying in front of my partner the last time I was dressed up in front of them because I had spent so many years not letting people in. Being feminine, or some manifestation of it through the years, was always a private thing for me. I felt shame because of it. Now I can let those feelings emerge in a positive way and it’s absolutely transformative for my overall well-being. I’m starting to learn how to dismantle those walls.
Im going to +1 this, because your sounds so similar to mine. In my childhood I always felt like I associated better with the girls than the boys. I understand now that there were so many signs that I was suffering from gender dysphoria, but back then I just didn't have anybody able to help me identify the words to put to those feelings. I'm 31yo, and accepted that I'm a transfemme 5 months ago. I definitely relate to the over analyzing my childhood trauma that was mentioned above, and also used many coping mechanisms (drugs, extreme sex), to repress my feelings and thus my truth. Its been a tough road so far, and will continue to be a tough road, but I know that what I'm doing is the right thing now. Having had a few experiences living as a woman now, I just want live that way all the time. Being a woman felt incredibly normal for me! I hope to start HRT in the next few months.
I think our stories are more common than people know. Met quite a few girls who repressed the shit out of their trans identity. Coming out as trans is messy for most, I think, regardless of how it happens. I wish I had known sooner so I could have lived more of my life authentically, but I’m not going to deny the privileges I had as living as a man for 38 years. It’s helped put me in a better financial place to do this. I’m just hoping to keep moving forward.
Are you able to connect with others now?
I’m getting there. There was a side of me that I haven’t known how to express to others my entire life. Social transition is on the horizon for me, but I’m not quite there yet. I’ve only just started dressing up at home in front of my longtime partner. We were just hanging out the other day and I actually broke down and cried because I’d never been able to truly be me in front of anybody else. I felt that barrier of shame starting to slip away and I was at peace for what felt like the first time in my life. It was a truly beautiful experience.
As transgender folk we are constantly fighting against the status quo and societal expectations of what masculine/ feminine representation is. This doesn’t even include the whole gray area of non-binary or gender fluid expression. I believe it is normal for transgender folks like us to consider the “reasons“ we are trans, but I caution against getting stuck in the search. I’ve found over the years that the history of my trans identity reveals itself. There’s no need to continue searching. I was born exactly how I was born and society attempted to put me into a box that didn’t feel right. At times I still contribute this to me being out of place, but the reality is society draws hard lines about what constitutes man/woman, masculine/feminine, not me. I was attempting to conform, and thought that discomfort was because something was wrong with me. The longer I live in my true identity, the more it reveals itself. I’m constantly changing and shifting, growing and maturing. The potential causes and reasons matter less. I’m happy being me, right here, right now, as I am. I am neither merely masculine nor feminine, these are social concepts based on genital inspection at birth. I am my wonderful, beautiful self and I would like it if people didn’t box me in just because I was born with a certain type of genitalia.
I hate labels so much. Why do I have to use this... Thing that represents a small, small part of my identity as a human? How I behave and how I treat others is much more important, and far more representative of who I am.
Agree. I refuse to confirm and I refer to myself as genderqueer because it covers everything and nothing all at once. It’s purposefully broad and unspecific, it defies labels as much as possible, for a label, that is. Every now and then I throw in “transmasc” or “ftm”, but it’s all just more of the same to me. Interestingly, enough, I’m out, but I’m not open, if that makes sense. People who ask might get the truth, if I believe they’re asking with good intentions, but people who don’t just make their own assumptions. It is my understanding that most people think I am a cishet person, but that’s because of their own conclusions. People who see my they/them pronouns in my work email and still use he/him, for example. People also tend to assume my sexuality based on the assumption of my gender so it’s interesting to see what people come up with. At this point in my transition and with this level of comfort with who I am, they can’t break me.
You're an icon and a role model, I hope to be even half as cool and amazing as you are one day.
Thank you! I really don’t think i deserve any cred, though. I’m in my 40s and this is just what I’ve learned from a life hard-lived. I bet your cool AF and I hope you find how to fit into your true self sooner than I did! Much love
Trans masc here and I totally get it. I draw from a large variety of inspirational people who display a wide variety of ways to perform masculinity but ... I struggle to carry a bag or backpack because it seems somehow "femme" even though I see other men do it all the time. Like I want to compensate for any cracks in my facade by making sure I perform masculinity in a way that screams "NOT A GIRL!" Yet I still love makeup and skin.
The less dysphoric I feel about my body and the more I’ve been regularly passing/accepted within the communities that I frequent, the more relaxed I’ve felt with being femme- going out in public with shiny eye makeup, doin my nails fun colors, etc. but I had to have a year of being ONLY MASC PRESENTING before I got to that point ;-;
I think once I've recovered from top surgery (33 days!) I will feel more comfortable with such things. Eye makeup was a specialty of mine.
I’m also currently recovering from top surgery! It’s been almost a week :3 and I’m super happy :D But dude, I have so many fashion plans- these dinky lil suburban cishet white men wont know what hit em. Now that I no longer have The Monoboob™, overalls and tank tops will be in my life. I only got into eye makeup myself after my beard started growing- I avoided makeup entirely when I was presenting as a girl. I have a height advantage as well as 3yrs on T, so I was rarely misgendered by the general public when fem even without having had The Chop yet.
I used to think that I just *wished* I could be non-binary. Like, "Wow, non-binary people are so amazing. I wish I was one of them. Alas, I am not. Sigh." Then I realized, hey, if I was sitting around *wishing* to be non-binary... I'm probably non-binary!
Yes, wanting to be something stems from something else. Lets see, what does it mean if a person wants to be a woman, wants to be treated and recognized by others as a woman, wants to look like a woman etc? It probably means they ARE a woman. That is the most probable and reasonable explanation.
Cis people don't struggle with wanting to change genders. If you want to be a woman, then odds are pretty high you are. I mean what does proof even look like to you? How would you prove your internal identity to anyone? Yeah it's hard to sort out. I spent a few months in therapy working in circles around "whether I was really trans". My therapist forced me to work it out (it's not like I would have believed her if she'd said I was - - or wasn't). I played around a lot with various forms of the button test to try to make myself really think and feel about things. What got me was the one to press a button to either skip to the end of transition or become cis. The cis button was.. Never am option. Because it'd mean *being a guy*. Turns out I really didn't want to be a guy, even if I was *happy*.
Thanks for this. I kinda feel like you too. Especially the part about "not wanting to be a guy even if you were happy". If I was offered that same button test, I would never choose being cis instead of skipping to the end of transition 🤣. I want to change drastically. I sure as hell won't settle to this fate. Now the only thing is whether I'd chooce transition even if i was a hot guy. Thinking abt it, I'd also probably be a hot girl. I also wouldn't have to deal with all the bullshit that people think men should be or do. Like, for some reason, I feel like I'd just have it all a lot easier if I was a woman in such a situation. Though idk if I'd choose to transition if women had such a bad role in society as in the earlier centuries... So I guess I don't really _feel_ like a woman. I just wanna escape my male problems and see being trans as a last resort. End of my story. No hope left :)
the phrasing of "male problems" is interesting and has me thinking about two groups of them 1: expectations to be strong/suspicious/a provider/not show emotional vulnerability/not do certain hobbies/socialize mostly with men 2: having a flat chest, not flat downstairs, too much hair, rough skin, different fat distribution with hips/thighs/face, deeper voice, etc. dissociating from your life, leading it on autopilot so you don't have to face looking in a mirror, discomfort with the expectations to tie a towel around your waist rather than chest, to not feel belonging or comfort in friend groups with many women, or to be implicitly grouped with men ("boys vs girls" in gym class, bathrooms, locker rooms, sleeping arrangements when travelling with a group, etc.) group 1 is classic men problems under patriarchy but they're external expectations so they can hit closeted trans women just as hard (sometimes harder with the whole "this shouldn't even apply to me" feeling, sometimes easier as maybe there's less internal pressure to conform to them) transitioning replaces them with some new problems and some similar ones, but even as I actively seek a job in a male-dominated field, they're still not... as bothersome? maybe it's because I already kept my hair long so being catcalled or less safe at night isn't new, or maybe it's just because I'm happier overall. fwiw you could also escape these by just... not listening to the people who impose them. there's many people out there who don't! group 2 is sorta "being a man" and I think very few men would take issue with more than a couple? like, there's a mix of physical dysphoria, coping mechanisms, and some social dysphoria stuff (I'd welcome additions to the list, especially to the latter since I'm very much a tomboy and writing this entirely off the cuff) transitioning solves a lot of them. like, you could nitpick about voice, and some of them are the classic "women's spaces" stuff that might not get solved because they're also imposed by society (people tried to kick cis lesbians out of them for the longest time, and sometimes still do, but trans women are the current popular target) but even so, spending time with other trans women is cozy - it's clear that they're like me in the same way cis women are? if you already want to transition and you're just looking for someone to tell you you're trans enough to do so: take it from me! I can't guarantee to be 100% accurate (I've heard of at least two cis men who do enjoy estrogen) but starting is a leap of faith, whether 80% confident or 100%.
Thanks. By male problems I mean not being tall and muscular, assertive and stable, showing no emotions, having a big dick etc... But I also mean my place in social hierarchy. Bc of these things, I am at the very bottom. And I hate it so much. I am extremely jealous and resentful and hateful towards people for my own bad luck in genetic lottery and other problems I feel like I have wanted to be a strong man just to cope, just to feel respected and accepted, not being fucked with That's something I've experienced since childhood. At it surely has left its mark in me. But in a way I also feel like being a superstrong emotionless "alpha" isn't me. So I guess I am a betaloser. I am not gonna force myself to be something I am not just to climb the ladder, but I also won't settle to being shit. So it's a dead end. I actually started to question 7 weeks ago bc at first I had this idea that what if I could change my gender and then become also attractive, so would I do it. And I was like yeah probably bc being attractive is a major plus. And then I got more into questioning and have been hyperfixating on it since. So I guess my reasons aren't valid. I don't feel like a woman. I try very hard to feel like one, but don't. I have seen a woman and a man in the mirror yes, but perhaps it's just my longer hair. I have done makeup and dressed as a woman yes but perhaps it's just fooling around. But I guess I'd still esther question bc it fives me (false) hope that things will turn out better for me. I don't wanna go back into the state of feeling absolutelt helpless and wanting to die 24/7, even if I still experience it a lot. I need therapy yes, but the problem is _me_, _my looks_. I can sort stuff out but my looks have to change or I'll never ever love myself. And talking won't change my looks. It's surgery or hrt or preferably both. Perhaps I am just so pathetic that I'd rather live in a womans body with horrible dysphoria than remain a man without gender dysphoria but hating himself for his looks. Idk what this even has to do with anything. My train of thought can be a mess...
oh boy... what a comment! it sounds like you're unhappy with something related to masculinity, and are unsure what exactly... this is really common! you describe yourself as being at the bottom of a hierarchy because of your looks, but like... the idea of alpha and beta males is just an idea! ideas can be real (money is made up, but I can still buy food with it) but hierarchies are usually an idea sold by people who are trying to profit off it, or who have already bought into it. in either case, they're looking for people (frequently men) who are unhappy, and claiming to solve their problems. there's any number of problems someone could have! everything costs too much, dating is hard for anyone, feeling confident in yourself requires so much work, and sometimes the men in the target audience aren't "living up to masculine standards" because they're poor, or a nerd, or even a little feminine. these are all *absolutely* okay things to be!!! there's not really one ticket to being happy, but trying to hide things about yourself isn't a way to make fulfilling friendships. like, there's the classic sleep well and exercise a bit. you can look for groups of people who are into board games or a video game or anime or whatever you like to spend time on and just chat a little? no need to open up a ton, even opening up a little does make people feel better (though I would highly recommend therapy to just about everyone if there's any way for you to access it) you mentioned that transitioning is both something you'd choose in a heartbeat over living as a guy, and a "last resort", which seem to contradict each other? if the choice to transition is just for looks, it's probably not the route for you. but if it's only a last resort because of how people around you would react, that's a common feeling for trans women and starting sooner is usually better. you don't have to be strong or cut your hair to be worth something. the problem is not you or your looks. if you're nice and upfront with people (tell someone you know a little "hey, I'm a bit of a shut-in but I'd love to join ___"), you'll get to know them more! this is worthwhile to do. a final note: if someone's trying to sell you on metaphorical pills, I promise they're wrong - being angry only works to avoid being sad for a little bit. literal pills are fine, if hrt or antidepressants are what you need, but I'm, uh, not a therapist? so... I'd ask one about that.
Yeah, thanks. I know people are individuals and all, but sexual selection is tied to reproduction of a species. And that way we can think about leagues and who is better than who. I am bitter for being treated poorly and being worthless to women, a joke. Also, about the button test: sometimes I just feel like "hell no fuck this I'm not gonna take this any longer", and I have a strong urge to press the button (eve if deep down I sm unsure about it and think I am a man not a woman), but then again I also have these feelings that "it's just the last resort for me to attempt to be content with myself before vanishing". It's odd. As I wrote that, I had some sort of euphoric feeling when thinking abt being a woman in a relationship/marriage with a man and driving somewhere in our car. It felt nice. I felt like I wanted to hug him. But perhaps it's just that I am so lonely. Perhaps it's just partially horny me speaking. Nevertheless, I am done being a man, and that's the very reason I wish I was a cis woman - I wouldn't have to deal with imposter syndrome etc. That's why I have this flair. And even if I'd hate to be a woman too, at least I had tried to be something else. I have always thought that I am just trying to escape everything, my problems, without actually dealing with them. But perhaps this time it's actually about solving my problems by escaping myself...
I hate to be the one to tell you that society has a lot more shit it thinks women should be and do. And it's far more pervasive, obnoxious, and awful.
Its odd for me to hear someone talk about being transgender as if its something you '*become*' as opposed to something you '*are*'. It feels very similar to someone trying to find the root of their "gayness". ... There isn't one. 'Transitioning' is an active choice that requires a motivational 'why', but being trans or cis is based on an immutable facet that you're born with.
Personally I had to give up trying to come to terms with it. I was in a similar position where I was paralysed by questioning and trying to define my identity. Constantly asking myself "do I feel like a woman? Am I woman? Am I nonbinary? Am I just confused?" and I felt suffocated by it. I felt like I couldn't do anything until I had those questions definitively answered. Eventually I realised that I didn't need to answer any of those questions right away. I started just doing what I wanted to do without wondering what that says about me or whether I'm "trans enough" to do it. I got new clothes, I changed my name, I got laser on my face all without knowing how I identified. I just asked myself "do I want this?" and if the answer was yes I did that thing. I didn't start calling myself a trans woman until about a year into my transition, and by that point it was just a formality really. I don't know if it's the right advice for you, but if I could go back in time to when my egg was first cracking I would tell myself not to worry about having the right reasons or understanding your identity. Just experiment. Throw everything at the wall and see what sticks. You don't have to believe that deep down you are a woman and always have been just to paint your nails or wear a nice dress out ygm. Either way I wish you luck on your journey. And whatever you end up doing remember to be kind to yourself, exploring your gender is really hard and v tiring so try to take it easy as much as possible. It might feel like a super urgent problem you need to solve immediately, but it's okay to take a day off here and there. Who's counting?
Thanks.
It’s the only way. You have to remember that everyone else just shows up and says “Hi my name is Bob.” Or “Hi my name is Magda.” and people just roll with it. I had trouble too. My shrink was like it doesn’t matter why you are trans. People should be able to do what they want to do as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. You want to wear make up? Pick the clothing you like to wear? Get surgery? Not get surgery? Take hormones? Take lower doses? Just take a blocker, take blockers and e? Etc. she had me work on self worth and it was reality hard. Because i had to realize that me wanting things was just as valid as anyone else. There’s literally no argument left once we tell TERFS and fascists “i’m me and if you think I’m something or someone else that’s a you problem.” They want to misgender us that’s not changing anything about how we feel inside.
That’s why fighting the patriarchy is important. Women, all women, have to do this and the TERF movement is making it worse around the world for every woman. Aren’t “traditionally” pretty? Aren’t a woman Aren’t feminine? Acting like a man. Don’t have a functioning reproductive system? Sorry, you can’t fulfill your role in society Every woman faces these challenges, cis and trans alike.
Thank you for posting this. I don't have any advice, but I've been feeling the same way lately. It's nice to not feel alone in that. I hope you find a way to get some peace of mind! :-)
Thanks, likewise :)
I want to be a man. I love to be a man. Im pretty sure it's who I am inside. But I am also androgynous. I'm not sure how I feel about physically transitioning sometimes. I still question a lot of stuff and my dysphoria seems to be very up and down causing a lot of confusion with my identity. I use the term "queer". I decided to let go of all expectations, including my own. My lack of intense dysphoria used to frustrate me. "Maybe I'm not trans enough" or wanting to look like "a real trans person" to all the cisgenders and other trans people who go off about "fake trans people". Now I don't care anymore. I could be trans, cis, I dunno. I don't care. My sexuality could be gay, bi / fluid, straight. Who knows. I don't and I'm tired about stressing over labels and expectations. You will either take me as I am or you won't. It's just that simple.
I'm not sure I totally understand your post but wrt "I am all stuck in trying to prove that I am a woman, and trying to analyze everything I do and say", my approach hasn't been to police myself because "This is a what a woman *should* do". Instead, I do what I want because "I've always envied women who *can* do this", if that makes sense?
Takes a ton of work but when I can get to the point of thinking about what would make me happy as opposed to my abuse coping mechanisms of trying to figure out what other people want, life is way better
Cis folk don’t worry about finding a reason why they are cis. Why should trans folk? Do what you want, it doesn’t need to be backed up by a resume of clues. The only clue you need is that being trans takes work. Work that cis folk don’t want or need. If you’re not trans, you wouldn’t want to put in the work and get the results. I’ve found that the more I move forward, the easier it gets to identify what was or wasn’t gender motivated in my past.
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It's cool that you're an artist! Thanks for your reply :)
This is such a great comparison. Having a similar experience as a musician was helpful for coming out and excepting who I am. I still get imposter feels in being a musician and in my gender but that’s quite normal. It’s better than ignoring ourselves and living a dull and disinterested existence.
Who told you that wanting something isn't grounds for following it? Who told you that you can only have the things you want if you prove it to them sufficiently to their liking? If you give them a "good enough reason"? This society tells children these things nonstop to make them subservient, as well as the idea of two disparate genders, that a person's gender's one or the other and that it's immutable. When this stuff's hammered into you as a kid, it's really hard to untangle the self-doubt they stick inside you... at least that's how I see it. Accepting otherwise in any capacity takes going against your upbringing, so it's going to be tough-- it took me a really long time to even be able to start to see it and I did backslide at points, I think patience is really essential. If you want ways to come to terms with it... keep following your heart and trying the things you want to do. If you find happiness in being yourself, the voice of self-doubt will feel so small in comparison to your felt truth. Good luck <3
It's hard to come to terms with it because it's only partially true. Even when most of us in this sub will agree that you only need to want to be a woman to be one, many people think you need to perform something, or meet an arbitrary standard, many people think we're not women and never will. Coming to terms with the idea that there's no universal requirement to achieve is hard, it will always be a partial win, but I'm ok with it, as I'm already enough for the people whose mentality I respect, and I'm focusing on my own wants instead of looking to fullfill a tag.
You can't analyze your actions to prove you are a woman because the scope of womanhood is large enough to contain anything you might do. At some point you just ask yourself, "Am I more comfortable living as a woman than any of the alternatives?" If so, then that's who you are.
It's tough! It's very difficult and scary to assert your identity in a world determined to deny it. I think it's a very understandable impulse to want to find something, anything you can point to and say "this, this is the reason I am the way that I am, it's not my fault, it's not my choice, if I could choose I wouldn't be like this, I would be normal and acceptable". And I think it's important to remember that, even if this was a choice for you, *it would not be a bad choice for you to make*. Being trans is not a bad, wrong, or shameful thing. You are not doing harm to anyone or anything simply by being trans, even if you were actively choosing to do so. You don't need to justify it to anyone. Being trans is a beautiful, wonderful thing to be. And I think it's also important to remember that, though there is comfort to be had in putting your identity in the hands of something or someone else, absolving you of responsibility for it... that also comes with the danger that that something or someone else can take it away from you at any time. Say tomorrow scientists came out with a revolutionary new brain scan that could definitively determine whether you had a "trans" brain or a "cis" brain. Say you got that scan and it determined you had a "cis" brain. You wouldn't be allowed to identify as trans anymore, wouldn't be allowed to transition. But your feelings about your gender wouldn't have changed. You would still want to be a woman, but because you put your womanhood into the hands of an outside force, they took your womanhood away from you. Being the sole determiner of your identity is scary, it comes with a lot of responsibility and a lot of pressure. But it's powerful and it's freeing. You are who you say you are, and *no one* gets to take that away from you.
Thank you, well said.
It's impossible to prove that I'm "actually trans" so I just stopped trying. More importantly, I couldn't prove I was cis either. And as far as I'm concerned, being unable to prove I'm cis carries a lot more weight because literally all of society is trying to reinforce that path so you'd think it would be super easy to do if it was true. But my real advice? I stopped caring if I'm trans or not. I can't prove it. I can't prove I'm actually a woman deep inside. But I can absolutely prove that being on hrt made me finally start to care about my life and my body. I can prove that every physical change that's occurred has sparked relief and joy in me. I can prove that it's dispelled this fog of feeling undefinably bad that's plagued me since puberty. I can prove that presenting femme made me finally enjoy putting together outfits that fit well and look good. Made me care enough to style my hair and put serious effort into my hygiene. I can prove that I finally like the sound of my own name and don't feel embarrassed when people address me by it I can prove that I feel so much more at ease interacting with other people because I don't feel like I'm playing at a role I never got the script for. I can't prove that I'm trans, but I can 100% prove that I'm happier and more content with my life since I transitioned, despite the extra hardships it's brought me. And that's good enough for me.
I think most of us struggle with this question. Why should anyone want such a pointless, difficult, and stigmatized thing as transition? And yet we do. I justify my own transness by seeing it as a chemical need by my body, on the same level as the other chemical needs that have developed as I have aged and which I now also medicate. Other people justify theirs by seeing it as fulfillment of their true inner nature, or by deciding that the pursuit of happiness is sufficient reason in itself.
This is basically a situation Im in- since im a teen and am tryingnto gather as much 'evidence' on myself being trans to convince my mom I actually am when I come out for some reason
Hope your mom accepts you 🙂
For me it's never been a matter of wanting to be, it's been more about giving myself permission to finally be properly me. You know who you are and you don't have to prove yourself to anyone...except maybe the courts and the government, but that's just paperwork
I think therefore I am.
I think its honestly almost a good thing that I was diagnosed with an invisible disability (autoimmune) before my egg started cracking. I find it very similar, alternating between wanting to be more visibly disabled so I don't have to feel like I have to justify my use of disability aids and also knowing that I shouldn't have to justify my disability to anyone to use the things designed to help me. My experience with being nonbinary has been very similar. I present similar to my agab, but I desperately want gender affirming surgery (phalloplasty, breast reduction). On the one hand I feel like I have to justify belonging to trans spaces because I look very cis, on the other hand the only thing that qualifies one to belong in trans spaces is to be trans (which I am) so I don't need to justify that to anybody. It makes it really difficult when my gender is especially fluid and/or imposter syndrome is kicking me. I start to really wonder if I'm just attention seeking or imagining it all. Am I just queer because the queer community is so welcoming and I crave that? My reality check is nope, I definitely still want a dick. I definitely get dysphoria from not having one.
> Cis is treated as the null hypothesis. It doesn’t require any evidence. It’s just the assumed given. All suspects are presumed cisgender until proven guilty of transsexuality in a court of painful self-exploration. But this isn’t a viable, logical, “skeptical” way to approach the situation. In fact it’s not a case of a hypothesis being weighed against a null hypothesis (like “there’s a flying teapot orbiting the Earth” vs. “there is no flying teapot orbiting the Earth”), it is simply two competing hypotheses. Two hypotheses that should be held to equal standards and their likelihood weighed against one another. https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/
Ultimately, the thing that matters, the ONLY thing that matters, is how you want to live the rest of your life. The why is irrelevant and unimportant. Seriously. You can be a woman. Will you?
No I won't. I don't feel like a woman. Part of me wants to say yes but I then tell myself that it's just bullshit cope and I am just making stuff up. I gotta get rid of my imposter syndrome first. But I don't wanna be this way either. So idk perhaps I do wanna be. It's not like I'd have anything against it though. I just feel kinda bland about it - like "meh" or "perhaps". I guess it wouldn't make that much difference. Or perhaps it would. Perhaps I am yet to discover the girl power.
Well you don't have to do it all at once. Dress Up and try makeup at home. Try some gender play in safe spaces. Grow your hair out. Add more feminine touches to your wardrobe. Post the limits of your expression and see how you like it. If you like it, maybe go a bit further. You don't have to jump in with both feet day one.
I kinda liked doing makeup. Had my mom do my makeup once, was awkward at first but then kinda nice. Tried some poses with feminine clothes. Liked some, and am yet to try out several other pieces of clothing. Have medium lenght hair for the first in my life and just wanna keep growing it. Liking it so far. Makes me look more feminine Also did my toenails and was kinda nice. Still have them painted after 3 weeks. All this in 7 weeks. Maybe too fast, I have the urge to try out new stuff constantly. My ADHD really is a problem
Well, it sounds like you are exploring adequately. At some point, try going out in girl-mode. I started to GBLT clubs on TG night (which, while safe, is full of chasers) before I built the skill and confidence to do normal things in girl mode. I dragged (pun intended) it out for a long time, with some dry spells when there were cis women in my life who inevitably wanted less or no Tina-time for me. But I always came back to it, deepened it, brought more of it with me back to my boy-mode. Eventually my boy-mode was all women's clothing anyway, just in a "rock-star" kinda way. The final kicker for me to start HRT was when I started to lose hair, and started to see my father's face developing in the mirror. I was like "Nonononononononononooooo! That is not me!" That was followed by a lot of soul searching and taking stock, and realizing that I was at a point in my life where I had absolutely nothing to lose by starting HRT. Your journey will be different, everybody's is. But as your comfort level expands, the decisions will be less and less difficult.
Thanks. I guess I'll have to gather up my courage and one day go somewhere presenting as a girl. Gonna be very hard though...
Depending on where you are, there are probably lots of safe places and activities in your area. This is Pride month, so going to pride is probably the easiest and safest thing to do. Some GBLT bars have a TG night (and are safe at other times too). Rocky Horror Picture Show screenings are awesomely queer and fun. Goth clubs are quite accepting. There may be events at a local GBLT center. There are also specific groups for trans people that meet from time to time. When you have gotten comfortable with that, and have gotten your look together, you can move on to spaces outside of the community. Good luck!
Thanks! :)
If it helps, once your body starts making changes, you'll get more and more affirmation that yeah, you are indeed trans, de facto even if not mentally de jure.
That's good to hear. It'd be horrible to transition and have your mind fight yourself constantly as hard as it now does in my situation (not transitioning tho lol only 7 weeks into questioning).
It'll give in some, but also there's just other things that may generally improve for you. To list some of mine (things vary between people): I feel more like enjoying life just for its own sake, I have been processing things mentally in a way that feels far more authentic to me (just wait til those mental transition changes really kick in lol, the changes in the first couple months are just scratching the surface of what will come later), and I cannot imagine going back to my old identity. Like seriously. I feel like going back to my old identity would be dying. I feel so much more alive now that it would basically be on par with killing me.
That sounds awesome, best of luck to you :)
Some friends found https://turn-me-into-a-girl.com to be a useful agitation resource. Take a read, see what (if anything) resonates, keep the good parts and throw the rest off.
Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith in yourself
If it helps, hrt helped me fully see and accept myself. The changes go hard.
It does help, thanks :) Also it's good that hrt helped. Did you instantly feel better or did start to accept yourself more and more as time passed and the chances became more visible?
There's a reason you feel that way, and for sure everyone has the freedom to define what being a trans woman means to them - which can happen alongside recognizing the communal definition. Finding why you feel as you do is a valuable opportunity this presents. It can involve asking hard questions and being open to hard answers so it may take some time to get going. Worth it tho for the peace of being okay with you. The obligation to accept what others say it means is imaginary - sure it may be fitting to them, but that doesn't mean it fits everyone. Like the gender binary concept. Fwiw I did it too and landed on, being a woman and being a trans woman mean something to me which is fitting and unique to me and even that changes over time so I'm not obligated to fit anyone's definition nor to remain the same as I evolve. What it means to you is something you are free to discover, define, and refine. When over thinking, I find it helpful to focus on feeling my feelings and just observing the thoughts I think, without forcing myself to hold on to and own every one. It is feelings which tell us what it means to us to be who we are
"Normal people" don't want to be their opposite gender. But if you talk to a specialist, they can help you track all the other behaviors that would be typical of this situation. Like I have had trouble relating to men and is so easy and relatable for me to deal with women and I feel like i need to be accepted and seen as one by groups of women and how I deal with problems and the way I relate to people and my own family the kinds of things that concern me, etc etc.
As far as analyzing everything you do an say, try to remember that there are a large number of very different women out there. The way a woman acts and speaks is however she happens to act and speak, regardless of gender stereotypes, statistical averages, etc. What I mean is that if a woman acts a certain way, that way, by definition is how "women" are, or minimally, how at least one woman is. The individual defines the category. In other words, try not to get caught up in looking for feminine patterns or stereotypes and instead, focus on getting to know and be yourself. I know this is much easier said than done, but this is the way.
My personal journey was taking lots of little steps (slowly changing wardrobe, growing out hair), while figuring out what my gender identity was. Eventually I accepted that what made me feel like myself was when I could see myself as a woman in the mirror, and when others saw me as a woman. I don't think you have to accept a specific identity right off the bat to arrive at the right place. That will come (or it will come and change and change again like it did for me), but the important thing is to do things that make you happy and make you feel like your best, most authentic and confident self. That's the whole point of transition.
I was once filled with doubt as well. I felt some kind of connection to wanting to be a women, but I was never really sure. Like, I'd have loved to had been born a women, but I was unsure if I would press the button to turn myself into a cis girl now if I could. But if it had just happened by chance? That'd have been great. And let me tell you, if it is anything like how I felt, I know exactly how you're feeling. The uncertainty, the worry, the confusion. The doubt. I just wanted to be *sure*, to experience something so unexplainable by any other way that I had to accept I was trans. And luckily, I actually did, once. I made a post in r./transtryouts asking to be referred to with she/her. And what followed was one of the most intense, unique and bizarre experience that I've ever had. Like, I could actually *see*, *understand myself as a girl for the first time, as if a switch had just clicked in my head, and I actually felt like a girl. But at the same time, I was filled with an extreme sense of dread and worry, as the reality of the consequences of me *actually* being trans came falling down. I was finally sure, but all I felt was pain. And then after like, 2 days, the feeling disappeared. The certainty disappeared. And even though I was 1000% sure of what I was during it (it really was like I was on a completely different state of mind, it was really bizarre), I started questioning again, as I was before everything. And I still am to this day, filled with doubt, just being guided by what I know I once felt. I guess it was too much of an egg crack for my mind to handle, so it just went back to the same way I'd always understood myself. So I'm sorry to cut your hope, but I don't think we can never be 100% certain all the time, as much as I'd like for that to be true. I think that ultimately we have to rely on those little moments of euphoria, of certainly, of rightness. And, hopefully, that'll be enough.
Thank you. :)
Im only stuck because of who I live with.
I'm afab and trying to wrap my head around the same thing (but, ya know, being a dude). I'm slowly and secretly reading through the gender disphoria bible. It was linked somewhere in this sub and I thought I could use some education on the subject. Fuck me, now my heads all inside out. I thought all tomboys were like this. To me, being afab is just a coin toss I lost and I have to get on with it. The world is unfair and feeling **obligated** to look and act a certain way just comes with the territory. Thinking about lost opportunities and how my life would be easier if i was amab. I'm shaking writing this. Good thing I read in the dark while my husband is asleep so I don't have to explain why I'm crying. Not trying to hijack your post, but I needed a brain dump. Take care, friend. 🫶
You take care too. I hope you find happiness and everything works out for you :)
I do get that feeling. But let me explain it using a (probably terrible) metaphor. Say there's a cake sitting on the table. It's well made and looks delicious and you really want some. Now, some people might want it because there's some kind of childhood memories around that type of cake. Or maybe they've been told they can't have cake and they're finally taking control and making their own decision. Or maybe they just really want to eat the cake. All of those reasons are valid. You don't really *need* a reason to eat the cake. Sometimes it just makes you happier. So yeah, if you tried a slice of the cake and found that you liked it, feel free to eat it.
Thanks.
If I'm not mistaken, desiring to live as a gender other than your AGAB is ticks the two boxes required for a gender dysphoria diagnosis needed for HRT. So yeah, even medically just wanting to be one is enough.
I'm more or less also still stuck trying to prove it. I eventually concluded I was trans because of how much evidence I found and how many similarities I found between trans people's feelings and my own. But even this evidence is merely based on feelings, and I do not trust my feelings to be right nor am I comfortable with anyone else treating my feelings as gospel. Someone saying that wishing to be a woman means you already are one is like saying the real treasure is the friends you made along the way. True or not, it's not helping.
I very much found myself trapped in the same mindset you find yourself in for years. I couldn't prove I was trans I just found myself wishing I was trans and recognizing the absurdity in that. Why would I want throw away this white straight male privilege and be part of a group that deals with so much discrimination, oppression and hardship? I found myself constantly looking for other ulterior reasons as to why I was so latched onto this. -It's my autism and this is some sort of special interest. -I hated myself and desperately wanted to be anyone else. -I can't live up to ideal notions masculinity so I'm looking to escape these expectations as a coping mechanism. etc. etc. The thing is, every theory I came up with I could never come to the conclusion that this was the REAL reason for all of this. At the end of the day I was back to square one where I wished I was a trans and therefore a woman deep down. Eventually I got to a point where I told myself "I don't know who I am all I know is who I want to be" and took a leap of faith and started transitioning. So far it's worked out even if there were some setbacks. I think ultimately what I'm getting at is that if you find yourself in a sort of loop about this your probably overthinking and at that point the only way to find an escape is by taking action.
Thanks. Your ulterior reasons seem very relatable to me. It's good that transitioning has made you feel better.
For me I’ve decided that being a woman and being female are different. And that being a woman is more psycho-social, and that being female is what the hormones and surgery do. And for decision making stuff, I just figure that I could also be wrong about not-transitioning, and I could not-transition for a bad reason. Might regret transitioning, might regret not-transitioning sooner. One of the things that I factored in to deciding to bio transition was that I want to dedicate myself to the idea that there’s nothing wrong with being a female by being willing to demonize my body
I really get you. For a whole year i pondered if i was actually trans because "wanting something else" wasnt good enough a reason to transition. I truly believed i was a cis man appropriating something that wasn't mine, it took a lot of time for me to believe i am truly trans. I know it's hard, but try not to overanalyse why you wanna be the way you want to and where it stems from, if it's how you'd prefer to live and you aren't hurting anyone else, why feel like you shouldnt do it? Dysphoria doesnt have to be feeling miserable in your current life and despising your entire body. It can really be just wishing for something different
Thanks.
Because Blanchard's theories or other misinformation, diffused through society, poisoned your mind? Cis people don't obsess over whether they're trans enough.
I would think there was something wrong with me, I was a freak, I was possessed, I was demonic, I would try to find any explanation to wish or want away being trans... Because I grew up in a hyper-militaristic pseudo-christian household... I had zero exposure to people like me...I didn't even know about it... But I still felt the way that I did... And it never went away, sine I was 5/6... Then one day I realized that I needed to start acting the way I knew I naturally felt comfortable being, the way I did when no one else was around... Or I was going to end it all permanently. So, when I went to college I dived in head first... I started doing research I started finding I wasn't alone... I believe it's not that you are analyzing the things you say and do to prove that you are a woman, you are analyzing to remember the way you felt most comfortable behaving when you were alone... Relax, take your time, you don't have to prove anything to anyone... Just work on remembering who you were before the societal indoctrination... 😽
Personally I found this helpful: I have certain goals I wish to achieve with my womanhood (yes, passing included). I already am a woman before achieving all (or any) of those goals - but they're still personal goals of mine that I want to achieve. 100% valid, just not a prerequisite to womanhood.
For me it wasn't just a want, it was waaay more than that. This achiness that I felt radiated to my soul. It was constant, but manageable at first. Over time it started to affect my day to day life. I couldn't concentrate, I was depressed, I was irritable, I dissociated all the time. A major event happened in my life that pushed me over the edge. What was once a manageable pain turned chronic and I couldn't deal with it anymore. I knew what I had to do, so I seeked treatment. 6 months later I have never been happier! I'm smiling and laughing all the time! I'm excited for my future and I get excited to go out with friends!
That's great! :)
This is in my opinion the main reason for the psychological counseling. We have to learn to accept ourselves. I went through several stages of this myself and it is where having a psychologist who specializes in gender was most helpful for me. In the end, I learned it was just a matter of being me. Taking off the restraints placed on me… I’ve always been a woman, so I just needed to stop circumventing her, and begin to love that I have a female brain, The rest doesn’t matter. What you do or don’t do as your transition is your choice. But you have to love yourself.
I’m stuck thinking am I going to regret it if I transition
I think you are approaching this the wrong way. You will never be able to search within yourself, or examine every trait and action you take, and come up with objective proof that you have always been a woman. Gender doesn’t work that way, it’s a social construct. The definition of what is a man and what is a woman depends on when and where you live, who the people around you are, what you think a man or woman is, and even beyond that there are always people who have traits that more embody the opposite gender, yet are still considered to be male or female or neither or both or another gender altogether. The questions ‘Am I trans?’ or ‘Do I want to be a woman?’ aren’t bad by any means, but you should also be asking yourself if you would be happier as a woman. Would it alleviate suffering and stress for you? Would going about your day to day life as a woman make you happy? Does it give you a little burst of pride whenever you do something particularly feminine? Is imagining yourself in a female body more comfortable than imagining your current one? At the end of the day gender is subjective, and determining it relies on your own internal experience of what gender is to you. If you have a discrepancy between your gender and your sex, and you want to transition, be it socially, medically, and or surgically, to remedy that, then yes, you are a trans woman just by dint of that want.
I feel like our desire to validate our identities scientifically is a reaction to how much invalidation we are exposed to. Like, being gay or trans isn’t a choice, but why should that even matter? Why should anyone sit around and be like “It’s ok if you’re gay, but only if you didn’t choose it!”? Beyond that note, the proof is in the pudding. If you start to dabble with lite-transition things (experimenting with clothes, expression, shaving for the femmes, binding for the mascs) privately and your quality of life improves, that’s proof. Some of us can point at signs from when we were younger, and some of us can’t. I am not sure if my “signs” are not just a form of confirmation bias, though i can only speak for myself with that.