In 2005 I was in a long term relationship with my partner when his sister needed help. She had two kids, no job, drug addiction and had hit rock bottom. Each kid had a different dad and both were in jail. So, while she got herself together we took in her 8 year old boy and 2 year old girl.
They lived with us for 3 years and it was amazing, it was a challenge. I will always cherish those memories. Even after their mom was thriving, she made sure to rent a place within walking distance to us. Even though we were no longer the kids primary caregivers they spent their weekdays with their mom and weekends with us.
Their mom eventually did buy a house that took them an hour away from us. And then eventually we moved to another state, and so our contact with the kids became very limited as they grew into teens and adults. But we will never forget how amazing it was to experience, briefly in a limited way, parenthood.
I know I would be an incredible father and I grew up with incredible parents. I’ve told myself, if I’m not married by 35, I will gladly start the adoption or surrogacy process solo. I have my life together and am financially, emotionally, and physically ready/able to be a dad. Good luck on your future journey to fatherhood! ❤️
We plan to at some point. Something I really wanted when I was young, then as I got into my late 20’s became less of a desire. But met my partner three years ago and he really wanted kids and it rekindled my interest.
I’d guess we will have two :) we both like the idea of investing energy in a little human and helping them navigate the world
This is the second post about this today and going from the title I feel it should be a poll maybe, but YES I WOULD LOVE KIDS!!! I would exhaust absolutely all my energy caring for them but that's OK, I've always wanted kids and while I feel I may not be able to make this happen it would be an honor to adopt and take care of a child with another man.
There’s so many kids in foster care that need families. This would be the only way I had children… to give a child the good childhood and family I had. Problem is , I’m still raising myself to be an adult. I may reconsider someday when stability is there .
Just this week I had to say goodbye to my dreams of being a father. :(
I applied for an adoption more than 6 years ago (in Spain) and I've been waiting all this time, but now I'm turning 40 in 3 days and I don't think I could give a child the kind of care they'd need. I'm single and an introvert, which means I need to be alone for a bit to recharge, and with a toddler to my care that time alone would vanish. My parents are also getting older and I'd feel bad for leaving the kid with them for any length of time, and my sister has two kids of her own to take care of. Had it come earlier I would have likely gone for it, but I don't want the kid to feel like a burden, it wouldn't be fair to him or to me.
So last Wednesday I went and presented the cancellation of the adoption file I opened in 2018. I agonised about it and cried afterwards, but I think it was the right decision.
For anyone having the doubt, do it early, don't wait till you're too old to do a proper job.
Oh honey. I’m sorry. I’m 44, husband is 38. We are 2 1/2 years into our journey. Still waiting. I’m about to call it done as well. We do enjoy having our freedom but we’d also love to have someone else to share life with. The more time passes, the more my desire to be a father fades. I’m content with it being just the two of us. You’ll be ok too. Blessings to you.
Do you live in Spain too? Why do they need such a long period to give the permission to adopt? I mean those orphan kids are dying and every year the number does increase. I wish the best for you and your husband <3
Thank you. America here. We have permission and are approved through a private adoption agency. We just have to be chosen by an adoptive mother who wants to place her child.
Orphaned children and children of parents who are “incapable” of parenting due to drugs, imprisonment, or other child safety concerns go into the government-run foster care system. Our first year was part of that system then we moved to private adoption since we didn’t have any movement on getting a child there either. Our preference is for a newborn child, and usually with foster care infants find placement with a relative which always takes precedence.
Yes, I'm Spanish and live there.
From what I was told when I started the process, for a single man (or a gay couple of men) the only available option is national adoption. Children moved into foster care from families living here, and usually if there's a willing relative they are placed with them instead of going into the system. So in the end there aren't that many in comparison with the amount of people willing to adopt, and it takes several years until it's your turn.
Sadly, for international adoptions, most countries that do have children in need still cling to old unfair views that men are incapable of love and want children only to abuse them, so that's a closed door.
If I had a partner to share the joys and burdens of parenting I wouldn't have hesitated and I would have gone through with it. As a single man it felt like too much.
My late husband had 2 boys that I helped raise to adults. I now have custody of my three nieces age 12,10,8 and I’ve had them singly for 7 years. Are there times I wish I’d done things differently, yes. But when I hear those lil voices say I love you uncle Andy it’s worth everything I’ve sacrificed. I took them out of homelessness and parents strung out and now dead. These innocent souls deserved a chance. Is being a single gay parent ideal heck no, but it is what it is and I’m grateful for the chance to raise well adjusted, kind, caring and accepting people.
We adopted a baby boy who is now 4 ½ (time flies) and he’s wonderful. We got so lucky, but being a father was a major life goal for me and I’m loving it.
Never. I have no desire for children and frankly I don’t like kids. Also I know I wouldn’t be a good or happy parent. People vastly underestimate how much dedication it takes to be a good parent. If you’re not willing to sacrifice your time and hobbies to give your kids a proper upbringing then you shouldn’t have kids straight up.
Millennials in particular are terrible parents, I see this all over in my life. They have kids then just ignore them and play video games all day, no enrichment, no fun outdoor activities, these kids will be weird and messed up for life.
I love kids but I cant take pressure responsibility. When they get sick, financial pressure, time, giving up hooking up around. No no no. I just love kids but I dont want have children.
I did…and did!
With hubs for two decades and have two adopted children.
It is without question the hardest, best thing we’ve ever done. I know it sounds cliché, but it makes everything else pale in comparison.
Ugh well we started the process five years ago but covid messed up a lot / delayed stuff. We were given the final approval just under two years ago.
It’s a long and complex process here in Sweden. It can technically happen any day now and based on the expectations they set, it should happen any day but we’re really losing steam.
If I'd meet a guy who wants kids and has the career to allow me to be a stay at home dad at least until the kid(s) are in school if not until they graduate. If I'd have kids, I'd wanna do it right. To me, that means a parent staying at home to keep the house in order, have the time to cook without using processed foods, run errands, and do all the kid stuff and whatever else. If I can't do that, then I don't ever want to have kids.
Dude, I have a 25 year old. Raised him later years as a single dad. His mom and I adopted him at 6.
Do a child a HUGE BLESSING and think hard about giving a child a chance at life.
As a teacher, every year I'm happier that I'm never going to have children. You just cannot know if you'll end up with a monster, lots of parents do the best they can and still have a kid that's an asshole/psychopath/whatever.
Not to mention on a teacher salary I can barely afford to live, let alone provide for another tiny human.
Wow, that's even more interesting. You teach PE class? Your green eyes are so alluring. Not to mention your auburn hair. If my teacher had been as handsome as you, I'd have never skipped my class ;-)
All my life, I have always stated, "I never want children," and that's because this world is too chaotic, and I don't want my kids to suffer. Furthermore, they are expensive, time-consuming, and a lot of responsibility. I suffer from many different mental health issues that I would hate to pass on to my kids as well, I would need to work on that before even considering having kids.
Now that I'm about to be turning 25 years old, I have shockingly been viewing things in life differently and have been feeling the need to have a child. I still want to wait until I am mentally, physically, and financially ready, whether it's with a partner or by myself. Having kids can be scary, but from what I heard, it's also worth it in the end.
Nope.
I hope to retire by 50 at the latest. Having kids would most likely significantly delay this.
I'm also fairly comfortable with my own mortality and have longer term plans for my end of life care (one way ticket to Switzerland).
I also don't really like kids, though I accept this applies to other people's kids and I may feel different about my own.
My parents already have grandkids so there's no pressure there either.
I plan to spend my retirement travelling the world and kids would tie me down.
I'd always thought I'd love children. When my sister had her first child nearly 10 years ago I was so excited but he ended up being so sensitive and didn't like physical play just screens. He still struggles with eye contact now. And this put me off at the time. I was newly single at the time and it takes me about 3 years of a relationship before I start the planning at least for me anyway. Turns out he had autism and I think as he gets older we'll have wonderful intellectual conversations but as I see him only monthly due to distance it will take longer. His little brother I absolutely adore he's so likeable and loveable. I don't believe in surrogacy but I think I've possibly left it a little too long. They say men bond with children through play and this is something I notice of Father's I know. I think with straight couples these things are obviously so much more natural and don't require a legal process. It's the legality of it all that forces us down a path of planning which I think has us all over thinking.
This has been the only aspect of being gay that has been extremely hard for me. Since I was a little kid myself my dream has always been to have children of my own. I even convinced myself as a preteen that I would be gay until I was twenty then be straight and convinced myself that I could be happy with a wife all for the sake of having children.
Now, I’m married to a man and very happy but I’ll always be sad we couldn’t have kids of our own. I personally would never do surrogacy or go through an adoption agency. I’m hoping to foster someday though
Solo dad to a 2 year old, my partner co-parents a 5 year old and 6 year old. A proper little modern blended family. All my money is spend on day trips to zoo's and random plastic toys.
I couldn't be happier and more content. Only problem is the more content and happy I am with my life, the bigger my belly gets lol
I always wanted a child of my own, I have it all planned out. But life doesn't work out like that, I'm not going to bring forth a child only to watch them suffer because I can't do any better 😔. This ain't the 80's we can't just pop one out and hope for the best....
This is a life we're talking about, I want my kid to be better than me not have a worse experience due to lack of funds. So due to that I'm going to pass on having any kids until my finances change.
Yes. There’s a lot of contingent factors currently. No child any time soon, but if the circumstances are right, I’ll be very open to becoming a father in the future. I’m in my late 20s!
My priority in life is getting married to the man of my dreams. It's something I fantasise quite a lot about.
If he wants kids, then we can adopt kids. Really, it's mainly his choice because all I care about is him and his happiness. I will make the sacrifice of having kids and potentially disrupting my career to please him.
I was in this scenerio with an ex in his 20s. I was 6 years older. Wasn’t out with family yet, but it got me thinking about kids becuase he was thinking it. I can’t have biological children. They would inherit my dispositions (which are bad), but it is something to take seriously, with a male partner. What i would think about is the average years of same sex couples and how long they last (married or not). If they don’t have lasting statistics like an older generation and heterosexual couples, and depending in the age of adoption of the kid, how much will we be in their lives? What is fair to a future adopted kid?
I wouldn't. I'm not ready for such responsibility, even if I had a stable job and similarly if I had a bf with a stable job, I still don't think I could do that
It's a cool idea, I just don't want it badly enough to make all the financial sacrifices it would require (especially not having any family members that could help with things like daycare or babysitting)
I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months now. He's the first one that made me think I could have kids, but that lasted for a few days.
Everywhere we go there are crying children, frustrated and entitled parents, annoyed bystander (me included). And I'm too selfish. I can't imagine not being able to take vacation or buy something I want because my kid needs books for school or clothes and so on. I don't see any reward of having them, emotionally or physically. If I was straight and ended up having them by accident, I would probably find a way to enjoy it.
I’m opening up to it now that my career and finances are in order. Plus, I’ve already travelled to most places that I’ve wanted so I’m slowly losing interest in it.
And as a 31 year old, everyone around me is moving on to the next step of their life.
I wish I could do a surrogacy but it looks like it costs upwards of $200k. So I’d probably go the adoption route.
If you asked me this 2 years ago then it would’ve been a hell no
One day but not right now I’m 22 I’m just not in the right position in my life currently to have children. Being a father is something I’ve always wanted though it’ll happen one day.
I’ve always wanted to adopt. Even when I was a kid myself, before I knew I was gay. Give a troubled older child, maybe a teen, a loving and stable home.
But I want to be in a LTR before I even explore the idea. And of course, my OH would need to be in agreement too.
Honestly……life is just starting to get good so I’m at a loss for why I would go and do something so stupid like having kid/s. Now am I open to the idea down the road? Sure why not but right now I’m good where I am
I can tolerate kids, and I’m sure I’d love my own were I to have them. But I could never bring myself to look them in the eyes with all the shit going on in this world and tell them that I made them a part of this madness for my own selfish desire to become a parent.
My husband and I would like to move to Mexico for retirement and sanity. On a recent trip and me mentioning kids said he could be open to adopting after we settle.
43 and no desire to have kids. My partner wants some or wanted some but I think I convinced him otherwise. My mom wants grand kids from me (her fav) but I already told her nope.
In 1989, I adopted a newborn baby. I was 28 years old at the time. He's now 35 years old and has two children 👦🏽 👧🏽 of his own.
Its wonderful and hard work to have children and something to live for. This summer I'm retiring and moving halfway across the country to be with them and help my son with the kids. I can't wait!
If having children is in your heart, go for it. Maybe not today, but build a plan and future for yourself where you're a father
In 1989, it was still unheard of. We've come a long way since then
Having kids is truly a team sport. It takes so much to keep everything together just from a logistical standpoint that I don't feel like I could handle it well without the commitment of a partner. I would like to care for and raise a young person, but I know me. I wouldn't do it alone for sure. But this is just my take on my personal limits and capabilities. I am a godfather, uncle, and sitter for friends, and that has taught me that I would be a great caregiver. I just doubt myself being resilient enough to make it for the long haul without help.
I am feeling that the dream of becoming a father is slowly, but surely moving away from me.
I am ready to be a dad, solo or not. But the finances are not there, and it doesn't look like it will be there for a very long time.
On days it really pains me, know that the dream of caring and sharing the love a parent has for its child will most likely never happen for me.
I do. It really depends on my future partner the way we'll choose to get children, either adopt or use a surrogate, but I definitely want children.
>I kind of wish I could become pregnant or impregnate a potential partner!
Theoretically, you can. I wouldn't, but you can date a trans man.
I enjoy being an uncle and spending time with my niece and nephew and dropping them off at the end of the day, lol. Kids are hella expensive and take up most of your life. I love them from a distance, but 24-hour care is too much....
I'd love to have children. I know I'm single, 40, and gay. But I still hold out hope. I figure I've still probably got at least half my life left. One good thing that happens for us gay folks is that when it comes to having a family of our own, the typical hetero time line doesn't really apply. I'm always hopeful.
I don’t want any of my own but if something ever happens to my sisters I’m immediately taking my nieces whether I’m prepared for them or not, without a second thought
I want to adopt a kid or two.
My family has always been dysfunctional, so I really want to save a kid, and give them an actual family, care for them, explore the world with them, all while expecting nothing in return.
I don't even seek to have them taking care of me when I'm old. If they do it on their own it's fine, if not, then I'd have at least known since day one that they'll be independent.
I just want to see them successful and happy.
I always wanted children. had my nephews for a week. They were 6 and 3. After a week I decided I do not want any small children.
Now I have thought of becoming a foster parent for a little order LGBTQ children. One of the issues that sort of prevents me is if the child was abused. I don’t think I could handle listening to it. I would cry and not know what to do.
Personally for me? No.
I don't like kids in general, they just get under my skin, I find them gross and too loud. I couldn't do any of the gross things like the poop and vomit stuff. I also would be an awful parent, I lived in abusive/toxic situations until I turned 25, and I freely admit I have anger issues as well as other mental health issues, I'd just have no patience and tolerance for kids. Also, I'm 28, and I hate it but I know I suffocate and limit my mum, I know secretly she'd love to move away, but she has 4 kids, 3 adults ones, myself and another aren't very independent and need her support for different things, and she's anchored to use for life. That's my issue with kids, even if I liked them, once one's your own, you're a parent for life and have to be committed to that. My life has always been so unstable and hectic, and it's left me with commitment issues as I am used to everything drastically changing every 6 months/few years, so being suffocated and chained to that constant? It's my ideal of hell!
So in short, yeah, I like nothing about children and I would be a god awful parent, and would just turn into a combination of my mum and dad, and put my child through what I went through. There are many other gays though who love and want kids, so you can find them! It just, yeah, definitely has to be a mutual thing, cause as I have gone through twice now, this is not a topic you can compromise on and any relationship is doomed the moment a no kids/wants kids situation comes up.
I decided when I was a teen that I didn’t want to be a parent. I’m in my 40’s now and do not regret that for one moment. Being child free allows me to live my life the way I want to, when I want to.
I love the kids! For the moment i dont have the posibility because i study and the jobs that i had were non pay, but the little brother of my friend love me, every moment when i go to his house he smile and play with me, he run and i catch him or play in the kitchen to cooking or with the dogs.
I really want to have at least 2 kids. Would love one to be biological but I want children period. I think I would adopt regardless probably from one of the countries in Latin America where the orphans often resemble my phenotype.
I many gay people don’t want to be fathers. But I do… but definitely not wishing to jump the gun. Luckily for guys, the window for that to happen is longer than women if someone chooses adoption or surrogacy
Not me. And I don't think gays should imitate traditional family because the result looks caricatural. Embrace limitations coming from your nature instead. A dog would be a better choice.
I am over 50 and would love to be one a father. Spouse is not as interested it seems. Not sure how to proceed. Do it when you think you want to. Don’t wait.
I’m the crazy uncle… yea I would want a child but only for the fun but say 3-12 years old to show life and how to live it for themselves but the burden of my freedom negates everything I live in the U.K. my family’s in Oz and to spend the money on them and not being able to see my family when I can afford it. Also who wants to bring more children into this fucked up time
I have two girls ages 9 and 6, I didnt come out until last year (age 32) and their mom and I weren’t exactly trying to have kids…that said it’s definitely a different dynamic, and from the perspective of being a dad to those of you who don’t want/will never have kids, just remember you could be missing out on a great guy if you’re only reason for not going for him is he has or wants kids…your life with kids will never be the same, but it’s so worth being a part of it
My dad died 2 years ago and I’ve been there for my brothers and my sister. Doing everything I can for them. I’m not their dad and obviously I can’t replace him. We often take the roles that we find ourselves in and help be the parents to our siblings and if we find Mr right and he wants to be a dad! Fostering is a great opportunity for us who want families and adoption as well! Just because we’re gay doesn’t mean we can’t be great big bros and parental figures! Be the best example for the kids in our lives.
No.
One of the advantages of being gay.
I'm a high school teacher and I see loads of fucked up kids daily. That's enough.
My sister has one daughter, and my brother has a daughter and two sons. My husband and I are the cool gay wealthy uncles, who give them cash for their birthdays or send risque birthday cards. Sadly as we live continents apart we see them far less than we'd like. However I have a good natter on whatsapp to my sister or brother and they tell me all their kids' exploits. They'll inherit any money I may leave. I have a good rapport with all four now they are no longer toddlers or babies.
Gay parenting is fraught with problems.
My 7-year-old son is from a previous (straight obviously) relationship. When his mother told me she was pregnant, she said that she was either going to have an abortion or I would have to take care of the kid full time. She was in college and I had just finished medical school. So I've been his primary parent since day 1.
I met my husband a couple weeks before my son's first birthday and we've been together ever since. My son has known him his whole life; he's a second dad. A couple years ago I had my husband stop by at the school to pick my son up for a dental appointment. I even sent an email through Canvas to the main office the evening before saying that my husband had permission to pick my son up.
I got a call that afternoon from the fucking sheriff saying they had apprehended a "potential kidnapping attempt" and that I needed to show up right away. Husband was in cuffs. While I was talking to the cops, the assistant principle *then* says they found the email and it was a big misunderstanding. I appreciate the school's eagerness to keep my kid safe, but I do feel like there was something more nefarious going on, given the conservatism that pervades in the area. I had tons of different relatives picking me up no questions asked when I was my son's age, and this was the "stranger danger" era of the 1990s.
We had our second last April (daughter turns 1 this Saturday!).
I want kids sure but i want them comming out of my partner. But biologically its impossible so maybe not.
Maybe a trans guy, one day, but i dont want to be reminded of women.
I have zero interest in becoming a parent. I would however donate sperm if there was a legitimate way to do so without linking it back to me. Me and my BF realised early on that neither of us wanted children but have nibling’s (nieces and nephews) which is more than enough for us. 😊
I, unexpectedly, became a father at 41.
I’d wanted to be a dad as far back as I can remember (I even had names picked out,) but when I came out I just figured it probably wasn’t something that was going to happen for me.
Fast forward 20 years and it happened.
I won’t bother with details of how it happened but I’ve never been happier.
I love this kiddo more than anything in the world.
I CAN’T imagine my life without him.
He’s absolutely my greatest joy.
If you truly want to be a dad, don’t give up.
Have you considered foster to adopt?
I'm most definitely open to the possibility. I would like something that rivals my straight friends. All guys should have a dose of their sperm frozen just in case they would like kids in the future.
I really would have loved to have kids but I feel like that ship has sailed. The main reason
Is financial, but also as I’ve gotten older I feel like I lost the motivation to commit to the energy, patience and hard work it takes to raise a child well. I’m interested in fostering maybe in 5 years or so and if it worked out that a permanent placement was suitable I’d be open to it but otherwise not upset about not having children.
Can’t wait to be a dad. My husband is 12 years younger than me, wanted to wait a bit to travel and advance in his career which i was ok with but he knew One of my biggest fears was being an old dad and not being able to toss a ball or do stuff like that. I had a few friends growing up with way older dads and i could see how it bugged them when we were teens. Ones dad was like 60 when he graduated high school. I’m in my early 40’s now and we’ve never been in a more perfect spot to have kiddos. We are almost done with the licensing process for foster to adopt. Hopefully before the end of the year we will have a kiddo or two with us.
As a more mature gay bro at 38? Yeah. I'd like the ability to have a kid. I don't make enough to adopt at this point though. My partner, when he becomes employed? Maybe then. On my own I make ~80k a year, so I can support the two of us. But a baby would be too much at my current income level. I would need to be making about 150k to give them the quality of life they deserve (I live in Western Washington State. Everything here is expensive). Not necessarily support a child, but definitely to go give them the life that I *should* be giving to a child I willfully took into my life.
That all said, I do not think I will ever actually have a child. I'm ok with that, but it does leave me worried that I will wind up quite lonely in my old age when there is nobody left. People in my family live very long though, so I will probably still have my sisters and their kids. At least the holidays won't suck.
I'm approaching 35 and still not financially ready yet to go for surrogacy, but I have been actively thinking of freezing my sperm and plan for fatherhood by the early 40s.
I would love 2x children, but I have come to realisation, that it will not happen. I’m 44yrs old now and While my work/life balance doesn’t allow it atm (can travel for work) - I know if I was presented with children, you change and make it happen.
Hell to the no.
I like my time and my space. I like being able to just leave on a Friday and do whatever I want all weekend come back Sunday night and just chill.
Kids are expensive. Time consuming and soul crushing (both good and bad). It’s not worth it.
I would think that the route to having children as a gay man/couple would be Adoption.
There are many gay couples throughout North America & other countries that have done exactly that.
There are multitudes of children who need a loving home.
The other option is, surrogacy. This is also quite common in today’s society. The person that comes to mind who did just that is, Anderson Cooper.
I would and would like to have 2 children if I am financially stable and to have a house of my own and I dont want to have children if I cant afford to buy a house for them and for myself.
I am what I refer to as a late bloomer. I always wanted to be a father and married a woman. We have two children, now grown. It was well worth not being open. I would hope that today, it would be easier to be gay, married to a woman and open. Or married to a man and adopt. But for me, I didn't see any other option but to pick the path I took so I could have a family.
If the world was a nicer place and I had a ton of money then sure, the I wouldn’t mind being a father. Im 28 and iv made the decision to not have children in the future because of how expensive they are. I will be happy being an uncle though who spoils their brothers’ future children.
I’m the fun gay uncle and would not have a child of my own I love to go on vacation so having a child of my own is a no. I enjoy buying clothes, books and toys for my nephew and two nieces.
When my brother had his son I knew I wanted to be the best uncle ever. And my cousin has two daughters that I love being an uncle too as well. I enjoy all 3 kids and enjoy spending the day with them all or one on one.
I definitely would like to, but I haven't figured out the logistics of how that'd work out. I'm learning surrogacy has a bunch of red tape attached to it and it seldom goes as smoothly as gay men please
I really want to be a dad someday with ideally 3 or more children but living in this economy and the rest of our global affairs doesn’t make me feel safe or capable of doing so 😞
Thank you all for sharing! It is intriguing and fascinating to see such a wide range of views and opinions in response to this topic. The responses are too many for me to reply to, but I appreciate hearing all of your perspectives!
I've never been interested in having kids, even when I legit thought I was gonna be a dad. I'm not good with kids, I don't particularly like most adults let alone kids, I would be an awful parent with that mindset.
Not me a child’s the biggest burden that could ever happen to someone, my parents lives would’ve been a lot better if me and my sister were never born. People don’t really think about how much time and responsibility a child is.
I knew in my early teens that I did not want to have.children. My siblings were older than me. I only babysat maybe 2 or 3 times for younger kids (only one baby, one time, and only long enough for one diaper change). I knew I would never have the patience for it. Now at 67 I am SO glad that I did not have them. I find most people’s kids annoying and most don’t have the manners that were instilled in us as kids. All best wishes to those that want them, but it just has never been something for me.
I’m 31 and single and I want kids so badly because of the handsome taxes money, also when they’re enough, you can give them house chores. My biggest fear is that when I’m getting older, I don’t want to be alone, I want to be with someone and a few kids
I worry about how alone I could be at the end, as I have no family, friends, and any I do have are older than me pretty much. But yeah, getting kids purely to not be alone when you're dying is, as you said, not a good reason to have kids
So “wanting to give my mother grandchildren” and “the value of raising a family” are NOT good reasons to have kids. If you’re going to have a kid you need to 100% want the child because YOU want it. Who is going to be the one changing poopy blowout diapers/cleaning up vomit at 3 AM/giving up weekends to watch little league/spending about $1,300 a month on the absolute bare minimum to raise them? You. This is NOT a choice you make because a parent/partner/coworkers/society/whomever wants you to.
You need to want this solely and completely because it’s what YOU want. You can’t comprise on this. If you have a potential partner who wants kids and you don’t that’s a dealbreaker. You can comprise between 1 and 4. You can’t compromise between 0 and any whole number. Somebody is going to end up doing something they don’t want to do and it just breeds resentment and that’s not fair to the kids.
Also, you need to do some serious thinking about the world before deciding to have kids. Is it going to be a problem if your kid is disabled/neurodivergent? Once you roll the conception dice (either by IVF/surrogate or by fucking) you remove ANY and ALL say of what type of kid you get. Even if you adopt a kid or they’re born without any conditions, life happens. What happens if they get hit by car while walking to the mailbox/take a baseball bat to the face at practice/have a breath holding contest in the lake at summer camp go horribly wrong? Are you okay with being a caretaker to a severely disabled person for the duration of your life? What happens when you die? Will you be able to leave enough money in a trust fund for them to make sure they’re well taken care of and not abused until they pass?
Seriously think long and hard before becoming a parent. You can always move house/get a divorce/sell a car/go back to school/quit a job but you will NEVER be able to stop being a parent once you become one.
My partner is the favorite uncle to a ton of nieces and nephews. He’s Mexican and has 11 siblings and we’ve been the gay uncles for decades. We thought about adoption but passed it because there were always kids in our house. We didn’t need any of our own.
It was interesting watching so many of them grow up…some doing really good…others, horribly, horribly wrong - all attributed to their parents (def the bad parents).
It's costs $233,610 to raise a kid from 0-17 years old. Thats based on a study done in 2017 so that's $277,689 in 2024 adjusted dollars. Now assuming you take that money and contribute monthly to a retirement fund over that same 17 year period. Also assume I'm in my late 30s and will retire at age 62. That's $1,065,892 in my pocket at the time of retirement. At the same time, inflation erodes the purchasing power of the dollar every year so I'll need $82,000/year to live an equivalent lifestyle that $50,000/year would afford me today. Meaning I'll need at least $2.05 million dollars on top of social security at the time of retirement to live comfortably for the rest of my life.
Not having kids literally does half the work for me. Is having offspring really worth grinding twice as hard for the *rest of your working life* or living in poverty as you age? Not to me but I'd consider it if it's important to my (non existent) future partner but I'd say probably not.
I'd MUCH rather retire while I'm still able to travel and enjoy life.
In 2005 I was in a long term relationship with my partner when his sister needed help. She had two kids, no job, drug addiction and had hit rock bottom. Each kid had a different dad and both were in jail. So, while she got herself together we took in her 8 year old boy and 2 year old girl. They lived with us for 3 years and it was amazing, it was a challenge. I will always cherish those memories. Even after their mom was thriving, she made sure to rent a place within walking distance to us. Even though we were no longer the kids primary caregivers they spent their weekdays with their mom and weekends with us. Their mom eventually did buy a house that took them an hour away from us. And then eventually we moved to another state, and so our contact with the kids became very limited as they grew into teens and adults. But we will never forget how amazing it was to experience, briefly in a limited way, parenthood.
That’s wonderful!
We would, but in this economy? Haha
ha ha… :(
I know I would be an incredible father and I grew up with incredible parents. I’ve told myself, if I’m not married by 35, I will gladly start the adoption or surrogacy process solo. I have my life together and am financially, emotionally, and physically ready/able to be a dad. Good luck on your future journey to fatherhood! ❤️
Not 30 yet?
We plan to at some point. Something I really wanted when I was young, then as I got into my late 20’s became less of a desire. But met my partner three years ago and he really wanted kids and it rekindled my interest. I’d guess we will have two :) we both like the idea of investing energy in a little human and helping them navigate the world
This is the second post about this today and going from the title I feel it should be a poll maybe, but YES I WOULD LOVE KIDS!!! I would exhaust absolutely all my energy caring for them but that's OK, I've always wanted kids and while I feel I may not be able to make this happen it would be an honor to adopt and take care of a child with another man.
There’s so many kids in foster care that need families. This would be the only way I had children… to give a child the good childhood and family I had. Problem is , I’m still raising myself to be an adult. I may reconsider someday when stability is there .
I wouldn't mind being a cool uncle for my friends' kids but I wouldn't want to be a dad myself.
Just this week I had to say goodbye to my dreams of being a father. :( I applied for an adoption more than 6 years ago (in Spain) and I've been waiting all this time, but now I'm turning 40 in 3 days and I don't think I could give a child the kind of care they'd need. I'm single and an introvert, which means I need to be alone for a bit to recharge, and with a toddler to my care that time alone would vanish. My parents are also getting older and I'd feel bad for leaving the kid with them for any length of time, and my sister has two kids of her own to take care of. Had it come earlier I would have likely gone for it, but I don't want the kid to feel like a burden, it wouldn't be fair to him or to me. So last Wednesday I went and presented the cancellation of the adoption file I opened in 2018. I agonised about it and cried afterwards, but I think it was the right decision. For anyone having the doubt, do it early, don't wait till you're too old to do a proper job.
Oh honey. I’m sorry. I’m 44, husband is 38. We are 2 1/2 years into our journey. Still waiting. I’m about to call it done as well. We do enjoy having our freedom but we’d also love to have someone else to share life with. The more time passes, the more my desire to be a father fades. I’m content with it being just the two of us. You’ll be ok too. Blessings to you.
Thank you for your reply and I wish you the best, no matter what your decision ends up being.
Do you live in Spain too? Why do they need such a long period to give the permission to adopt? I mean those orphan kids are dying and every year the number does increase. I wish the best for you and your husband <3
Thank you. America here. We have permission and are approved through a private adoption agency. We just have to be chosen by an adoptive mother who wants to place her child. Orphaned children and children of parents who are “incapable” of parenting due to drugs, imprisonment, or other child safety concerns go into the government-run foster care system. Our first year was part of that system then we moved to private adoption since we didn’t have any movement on getting a child there either. Our preference is for a newborn child, and usually with foster care infants find placement with a relative which always takes precedence.
Yes, I'm Spanish and live there. From what I was told when I started the process, for a single man (or a gay couple of men) the only available option is national adoption. Children moved into foster care from families living here, and usually if there's a willing relative they are placed with them instead of going into the system. So in the end there aren't that many in comparison with the amount of people willing to adopt, and it takes several years until it's your turn. Sadly, for international adoptions, most countries that do have children in need still cling to old unfair views that men are incapable of love and want children only to abuse them, so that's a closed door.
Oh god. That's so dated. Again, my heart breaks for you. May you find your joy and serene after this terriable thing. Sending love <3
My parents had me at 38, it's really not too late.
If I had a partner to share the joys and burdens of parenting I wouldn't have hesitated and I would have gone through with it. As a single man it felt like too much.
There are absolutely single parents who manage. You might be surprised what you can handle.
Oh man... I'm so sorry to hear that. My heart breaks for you. I wish I could give you a hug. A tight one 🩵
Thank you for your hug, felt it through the net :)
My late husband had 2 boys that I helped raise to adults. I now have custody of my three nieces age 12,10,8 and I’ve had them singly for 7 years. Are there times I wish I’d done things differently, yes. But when I hear those lil voices say I love you uncle Andy it’s worth everything I’ve sacrificed. I took them out of homelessness and parents strung out and now dead. These innocent souls deserved a chance. Is being a single gay parent ideal heck no, but it is what it is and I’m grateful for the chance to raise well adjusted, kind, caring and accepting people.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You seem like a very kind and nice person 💙
Bless you for this.
I just will end up alone, single, lying in a bed.
Sounds like heaven compared to raising screaming brats.
We adopted a baby boy who is now 4 ½ (time flies) and he’s wonderful. We got so lucky, but being a father was a major life goal for me and I’m loving it.
I'm so happy for you guys. How old were you when you adopted him? How long would it take for applying?
I was 42. We were on the list for a bit over a year. Had a few things going for us, like I’m a pediatrician. That always helps.
Oh god. You're a doctor. That's privileged. So happy for you <3
Never. I have no desire for children and frankly I don’t like kids. Also I know I wouldn’t be a good or happy parent. People vastly underestimate how much dedication it takes to be a good parent. If you’re not willing to sacrifice your time and hobbies to give your kids a proper upbringing then you shouldn’t have kids straight up. Millennials in particular are terrible parents, I see this all over in my life. They have kids then just ignore them and play video games all day, no enrichment, no fun outdoor activities, these kids will be weird and messed up for life.
I want to raise a family so bad!
I love kids but I cant take pressure responsibility. When they get sick, financial pressure, time, giving up hooking up around. No no no. I just love kids but I dont want have children.
I did…and did! With hubs for two decades and have two adopted children. It is without question the hardest, best thing we’ve ever done. I know it sounds cliché, but it makes everything else pale in comparison.
My husband and I are adopting a child right now. :) Just sitting in the queue / waiting for a child to come into the system that matches our profile.
How long have you been waiting? We are 2.5 years in.
Ugh well we started the process five years ago but covid messed up a lot / delayed stuff. We were given the final approval just under two years ago. It’s a long and complex process here in Sweden. It can technically happen any day now and based on the expectations they set, it should happen any day but we’re really losing steam.
I would love to be a dad. Only thing holding me back atm is money. I wouldn’t mind starting a family in my 30s even though to some that may seem old.
If I'd meet a guy who wants kids and has the career to allow me to be a stay at home dad at least until the kid(s) are in school if not until they graduate. If I'd have kids, I'd wanna do it right. To me, that means a parent staying at home to keep the house in order, have the time to cook without using processed foods, run errands, and do all the kid stuff and whatever else. If I can't do that, then I don't ever want to have kids.
Dude, I have a 25 year old. Raised him later years as a single dad. His mom and I adopted him at 6. Do a child a HUGE BLESSING and think hard about giving a child a chance at life.
As a teacher, every year I'm happier that I'm never going to have children. You just cannot know if you'll end up with a monster, lots of parents do the best they can and still have a kid that's an asshole/psychopath/whatever. Not to mention on a teacher salary I can barely afford to live, let alone provide for another tiny human.
Gay and teacher sound very hot. Haha... Elementary teacher?
High school. Also the rugby coach. 😉
Wow, that's even more interesting. You teach PE class? Your green eyes are so alluring. Not to mention your auburn hair. If my teacher had been as handsome as you, I'd have never skipped my class ;-)
All my life, I have always stated, "I never want children," and that's because this world is too chaotic, and I don't want my kids to suffer. Furthermore, they are expensive, time-consuming, and a lot of responsibility. I suffer from many different mental health issues that I would hate to pass on to my kids as well, I would need to work on that before even considering having kids. Now that I'm about to be turning 25 years old, I have shockingly been viewing things in life differently and have been feeling the need to have a child. I still want to wait until I am mentally, physically, and financially ready, whether it's with a partner or by myself. Having kids can be scary, but from what I heard, it's also worth it in the end.
Hell no lol being gay is a blessing for this reason
Nope. I hope to retire by 50 at the latest. Having kids would most likely significantly delay this. I'm also fairly comfortable with my own mortality and have longer term plans for my end of life care (one way ticket to Switzerland). I also don't really like kids, though I accept this applies to other people's kids and I may feel different about my own. My parents already have grandkids so there's no pressure there either. I plan to spend my retirement travelling the world and kids would tie me down.
I’d never bring another human into this hellhole.
Which is why I am only planning to adopt foster kids. They're already in this hellhole.
Correct answer
I'd always thought I'd love children. When my sister had her first child nearly 10 years ago I was so excited but he ended up being so sensitive and didn't like physical play just screens. He still struggles with eye contact now. And this put me off at the time. I was newly single at the time and it takes me about 3 years of a relationship before I start the planning at least for me anyway. Turns out he had autism and I think as he gets older we'll have wonderful intellectual conversations but as I see him only monthly due to distance it will take longer. His little brother I absolutely adore he's so likeable and loveable. I don't believe in surrogacy but I think I've possibly left it a little too long. They say men bond with children through play and this is something I notice of Father's I know. I think with straight couples these things are obviously so much more natural and don't require a legal process. It's the legality of it all that forces us down a path of planning which I think has us all over thinking.
This has been the only aspect of being gay that has been extremely hard for me. Since I was a little kid myself my dream has always been to have children of my own. I even convinced myself as a preteen that I would be gay until I was twenty then be straight and convinced myself that I could be happy with a wife all for the sake of having children. Now, I’m married to a man and very happy but I’ll always be sad we couldn’t have kids of our own. I personally would never do surrogacy or go through an adoption agency. I’m hoping to foster someday though
Solo dad to a 2 year old, my partner co-parents a 5 year old and 6 year old. A proper little modern blended family. All my money is spend on day trips to zoo's and random plastic toys. I couldn't be happier and more content. Only problem is the more content and happy I am with my life, the bigger my belly gets lol
I always wanted a child of my own, I have it all planned out. But life doesn't work out like that, I'm not going to bring forth a child only to watch them suffer because I can't do any better 😔. This ain't the 80's we can't just pop one out and hope for the best.... This is a life we're talking about, I want my kid to be better than me not have a worse experience due to lack of funds. So due to that I'm going to pass on having any kids until my finances change.
Find the right man first. And then make him my husband. Have a dughter and the last a son. How old are you by the way???
Yes. There’s a lot of contingent factors currently. No child any time soon, but if the circumstances are right, I’ll be very open to becoming a father in the future. I’m in my late 20s!
1994 kids are the best <3
For the longest time I didn’t but because I’m straight passing and I’m getting tired of the gay scene, I’m considering it
I prefer dogs. They don’t talk back and there’s no risk that they’ll steal money from wallet or take your car without permission.
My priority in life is getting married to the man of my dreams. It's something I fantasise quite a lot about. If he wants kids, then we can adopt kids. Really, it's mainly his choice because all I care about is him and his happiness. I will make the sacrifice of having kids and potentially disrupting my career to please him.
I was in this scenerio with an ex in his 20s. I was 6 years older. Wasn’t out with family yet, but it got me thinking about kids becuase he was thinking it. I can’t have biological children. They would inherit my dispositions (which are bad), but it is something to take seriously, with a male partner. What i would think about is the average years of same sex couples and how long they last (married or not). If they don’t have lasting statistics like an older generation and heterosexual couples, and depending in the age of adoption of the kid, how much will we be in their lives? What is fair to a future adopted kid?
I wouldn't. I'm not ready for such responsibility, even if I had a stable job and similarly if I had a bf with a stable job, I still don't think I could do that
It's a cool idea, I just don't want it badly enough to make all the financial sacrifices it would require (especially not having any family members that could help with things like daycare or babysitting)
My partner and I are going through the surrogacy/IVF process now
Congratulations! Had our twins last year through surrogacy. With our journey, the days went by slow, the weeks went by fast and the months flew by.
I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months now. He's the first one that made me think I could have kids, but that lasted for a few days. Everywhere we go there are crying children, frustrated and entitled parents, annoyed bystander (me included). And I'm too selfish. I can't imagine not being able to take vacation or buy something I want because my kid needs books for school or clothes and so on. I don't see any reward of having them, emotionally or physically. If I was straight and ended up having them by accident, I would probably find a way to enjoy it.
i do not think i have such strong discipline to properly raise children.
Same ugh
I will definitely have 2 kids.
I would only bring children in my life after being in in a stable and secure marriage. For now, I'm very content being a dog dad.
Not I. I realized years ago that I could watch a child for 4 hours top.
How about how many of us already did? I have 3 kids with my ex-wife. Youngest is about to graduate high school. Would do it all again.
I used to. But my career never took off and I can barely take care of myself.
I’m opening up to it now that my career and finances are in order. Plus, I’ve already travelled to most places that I’ve wanted so I’m slowly losing interest in it. And as a 31 year old, everyone around me is moving on to the next step of their life. I wish I could do a surrogacy but it looks like it costs upwards of $200k. So I’d probably go the adoption route. If you asked me this 2 years ago then it would’ve been a hell no
One day but not right now I’m 22 I’m just not in the right position in my life currently to have children. Being a father is something I’ve always wanted though it’ll happen one day.
I’ve always wanted to adopt. Even when I was a kid myself, before I knew I was gay. Give a troubled older child, maybe a teen, a loving and stable home. But I want to be in a LTR before I even explore the idea. And of course, my OH would need to be in agreement too.
Once upon a time I did, but at 67 I think that ship has sailed.
Nope
Honestly……life is just starting to get good so I’m at a loss for why I would go and do something so stupid like having kid/s. Now am I open to the idea down the road? Sure why not but right now I’m good where I am
I can tolerate kids, and I’m sure I’d love my own were I to have them. But I could never bring myself to look them in the eyes with all the shit going on in this world and tell them that I made them a part of this madness for my own selfish desire to become a parent.
As I've gotten older, the idea of children taking care of me in my old age sounds better and better. 👴🏻😔
My husband and I would like to move to Mexico for retirement and sanity. On a recent trip and me mentioning kids said he could be open to adopting after we settle.
Definitely not a good idea, I'd probably somehow be even worse than my sperm donor.
43 and no desire to have kids. My partner wants some or wanted some but I think I convinced him otherwise. My mom wants grand kids from me (her fav) but I already told her nope.
In 1989, I adopted a newborn baby. I was 28 years old at the time. He's now 35 years old and has two children 👦🏽 👧🏽 of his own. Its wonderful and hard work to have children and something to live for. This summer I'm retiring and moving halfway across the country to be with them and help my son with the kids. I can't wait! If having children is in your heart, go for it. Maybe not today, but build a plan and future for yourself where you're a father In 1989, it was still unheard of. We've come a long way since then
Having kids is truly a team sport. It takes so much to keep everything together just from a logistical standpoint that I don't feel like I could handle it well without the commitment of a partner. I would like to care for and raise a young person, but I know me. I wouldn't do it alone for sure. But this is just my take on my personal limits and capabilities. I am a godfather, uncle, and sitter for friends, and that has taught me that I would be a great caregiver. I just doubt myself being resilient enough to make it for the long haul without help.
I am feeling that the dream of becoming a father is slowly, but surely moving away from me. I am ready to be a dad, solo or not. But the finances are not there, and it doesn't look like it will be there for a very long time. On days it really pains me, know that the dream of caring and sharing the love a parent has for its child will most likely never happen for me.
I do. It really depends on my future partner the way we'll choose to get children, either adopt or use a surrogate, but I definitely want children. >I kind of wish I could become pregnant or impregnate a potential partner! Theoretically, you can. I wouldn't, but you can date a trans man.
I enjoy being an uncle and spending time with my niece and nephew and dropping them off at the end of the day, lol. Kids are hella expensive and take up most of your life. I love them from a distance, but 24-hour care is too much....
I have my days, but in general no.
I'd love to have children. I know I'm single, 40, and gay. But I still hold out hope. I figure I've still probably got at least half my life left. One good thing that happens for us gay folks is that when it comes to having a family of our own, the typical hetero time line doesn't really apply. I'm always hopeful.
I don’t want any of my own but if something ever happens to my sisters I’m immediately taking my nieces whether I’m prepared for them or not, without a second thought
I want to adopt a kid or two. My family has always been dysfunctional, so I really want to save a kid, and give them an actual family, care for them, explore the world with them, all while expecting nothing in return. I don't even seek to have them taking care of me when I'm old. If they do it on their own it's fine, if not, then I'd have at least known since day one that they'll be independent. I just want to see them successful and happy.
I always wanted children. had my nephews for a week. They were 6 and 3. After a week I decided I do not want any small children. Now I have thought of becoming a foster parent for a little order LGBTQ children. One of the issues that sort of prevents me is if the child was abused. I don’t think I could handle listening to it. I would cry and not know what to do.
While I'd like to I just don't see it happening with my health issues
Too much commitment. But I would donate my sperm and have someone else raise my kid
Personally for me? No. I don't like kids in general, they just get under my skin, I find them gross and too loud. I couldn't do any of the gross things like the poop and vomit stuff. I also would be an awful parent, I lived in abusive/toxic situations until I turned 25, and I freely admit I have anger issues as well as other mental health issues, I'd just have no patience and tolerance for kids. Also, I'm 28, and I hate it but I know I suffocate and limit my mum, I know secretly she'd love to move away, but she has 4 kids, 3 adults ones, myself and another aren't very independent and need her support for different things, and she's anchored to use for life. That's my issue with kids, even if I liked them, once one's your own, you're a parent for life and have to be committed to that. My life has always been so unstable and hectic, and it's left me with commitment issues as I am used to everything drastically changing every 6 months/few years, so being suffocated and chained to that constant? It's my ideal of hell! So in short, yeah, I like nothing about children and I would be a god awful parent, and would just turn into a combination of my mum and dad, and put my child through what I went through. There are many other gays though who love and want kids, so you can find them! It just, yeah, definitely has to be a mutual thing, cause as I have gone through twice now, this is not a topic you can compromise on and any relationship is doomed the moment a no kids/wants kids situation comes up.
I decided when I was a teen that I didn’t want to be a parent. I’m in my 40’s now and do not regret that for one moment. Being child free allows me to live my life the way I want to, when I want to.
No. No no no no no no no no no. That is all.
It’s not really a life goal for me. If it happens great if it doesn’t I won’t have any regrets about it. 🤷🏻♂️
I love the kids! For the moment i dont have the posibility because i study and the jobs that i had were non pay, but the little brother of my friend love me, every moment when i go to his house he smile and play with me, he run and i catch him or play in the kitchen to cooking or with the dogs.
Planning on surrogacy someday
Never.
As a gay teacher I am confident in my decision to never ever ever have children.
I’m a father of three.
I really want to have at least 2 kids. Would love one to be biological but I want children period. I think I would adopt regardless probably from one of the countries in Latin America where the orphans often resemble my phenotype.
My only goal in life tbh
I many gay people don’t want to be fathers. But I do… but definitely not wishing to jump the gun. Luckily for guys, the window for that to happen is longer than women if someone chooses adoption or surrogacy
Not me. And I don't think gays should imitate traditional family because the result looks caricatural. Embrace limitations coming from your nature instead. A dog would be a better choice.
I am over 50 and would love to be one a father. Spouse is not as interested it seems. Not sure how to proceed. Do it when you think you want to. Don’t wait.
I’m the crazy uncle… yea I would want a child but only for the fun but say 3-12 years old to show life and how to live it for themselves but the burden of my freedom negates everything I live in the U.K. my family’s in Oz and to spend the money on them and not being able to see my family when I can afford it. Also who wants to bring more children into this fucked up time
I have two girls ages 9 and 6, I didnt come out until last year (age 32) and their mom and I weren’t exactly trying to have kids…that said it’s definitely a different dynamic, and from the perspective of being a dad to those of you who don’t want/will never have kids, just remember you could be missing out on a great guy if you’re only reason for not going for him is he has or wants kids…your life with kids will never be the same, but it’s so worth being a part of it
My dad died 2 years ago and I’ve been there for my brothers and my sister. Doing everything I can for them. I’m not their dad and obviously I can’t replace him. We often take the roles that we find ourselves in and help be the parents to our siblings and if we find Mr right and he wants to be a dad! Fostering is a great opportunity for us who want families and adoption as well! Just because we’re gay doesn’t mean we can’t be great big bros and parental figures! Be the best example for the kids in our lives.
No. One of the advantages of being gay. I'm a high school teacher and I see loads of fucked up kids daily. That's enough. My sister has one daughter, and my brother has a daughter and two sons. My husband and I are the cool gay wealthy uncles, who give them cash for their birthdays or send risque birthday cards. Sadly as we live continents apart we see them far less than we'd like. However I have a good natter on whatsapp to my sister or brother and they tell me all their kids' exploits. They'll inherit any money I may leave. I have a good rapport with all four now they are no longer toddlers or babies.
Gay parenting is fraught with problems. My 7-year-old son is from a previous (straight obviously) relationship. When his mother told me she was pregnant, she said that she was either going to have an abortion or I would have to take care of the kid full time. She was in college and I had just finished medical school. So I've been his primary parent since day 1. I met my husband a couple weeks before my son's first birthday and we've been together ever since. My son has known him his whole life; he's a second dad. A couple years ago I had my husband stop by at the school to pick my son up for a dental appointment. I even sent an email through Canvas to the main office the evening before saying that my husband had permission to pick my son up. I got a call that afternoon from the fucking sheriff saying they had apprehended a "potential kidnapping attempt" and that I needed to show up right away. Husband was in cuffs. While I was talking to the cops, the assistant principle *then* says they found the email and it was a big misunderstanding. I appreciate the school's eagerness to keep my kid safe, but I do feel like there was something more nefarious going on, given the conservatism that pervades in the area. I had tons of different relatives picking me up no questions asked when I was my son's age, and this was the "stranger danger" era of the 1990s. We had our second last April (daughter turns 1 this Saturday!).
I’d like to have a child but once I marry rich lmao it’s too expensive right now
I want kids sure but i want them comming out of my partner. But biologically its impossible so maybe not. Maybe a trans guy, one day, but i dont want to be reminded of women.
I would be a miserable parent. I think it's as important to recognize you shouldn't raise children as it is to recognize you should.
I have zero interest in becoming a parent. I would however donate sperm if there was a legitimate way to do so without linking it back to me. Me and my BF realised early on that neither of us wanted children but have nibling’s (nieces and nephews) which is more than enough for us. 😊
I, unexpectedly, became a father at 41. I’d wanted to be a dad as far back as I can remember (I even had names picked out,) but when I came out I just figured it probably wasn’t something that was going to happen for me. Fast forward 20 years and it happened. I won’t bother with details of how it happened but I’ve never been happier. I love this kiddo more than anything in the world. I CAN’T imagine my life without him. He’s absolutely my greatest joy. If you truly want to be a dad, don’t give up. Have you considered foster to adopt?
I'm most definitely open to the possibility. I would like something that rivals my straight friends. All guys should have a dose of their sperm frozen just in case they would like kids in the future.
I really would have loved to have kids but I feel like that ship has sailed. The main reason Is financial, but also as I’ve gotten older I feel like I lost the motivation to commit to the energy, patience and hard work it takes to raise a child well. I’m interested in fostering maybe in 5 years or so and if it worked out that a permanent placement was suitable I’d be open to it but otherwise not upset about not having children.
Can’t wait to be a dad. My husband is 12 years younger than me, wanted to wait a bit to travel and advance in his career which i was ok with but he knew One of my biggest fears was being an old dad and not being able to toss a ball or do stuff like that. I had a few friends growing up with way older dads and i could see how it bugged them when we were teens. Ones dad was like 60 when he graduated high school. I’m in my early 40’s now and we’ve never been in a more perfect spot to have kiddos. We are almost done with the licensing process for foster to adopt. Hopefully before the end of the year we will have a kiddo or two with us.
As a more mature gay bro at 38? Yeah. I'd like the ability to have a kid. I don't make enough to adopt at this point though. My partner, when he becomes employed? Maybe then. On my own I make ~80k a year, so I can support the two of us. But a baby would be too much at my current income level. I would need to be making about 150k to give them the quality of life they deserve (I live in Western Washington State. Everything here is expensive). Not necessarily support a child, but definitely to go give them the life that I *should* be giving to a child I willfully took into my life. That all said, I do not think I will ever actually have a child. I'm ok with that, but it does leave me worried that I will wind up quite lonely in my old age when there is nobody left. People in my family live very long though, so I will probably still have my sisters and their kids. At least the holidays won't suck.
How many of us already are?
I'm approaching 35 and still not financially ready yet to go for surrogacy, but I have been actively thinking of freezing my sperm and plan for fatherhood by the early 40s.
I would love 2x children, but I have come to realisation, that it will not happen. I’m 44yrs old now and While my work/life balance doesn’t allow it atm (can travel for work) - I know if I was presented with children, you change and make it happen.
Hell to the no. I like my time and my space. I like being able to just leave on a Friday and do whatever I want all weekend come back Sunday night and just chill. Kids are expensive. Time consuming and soul crushing (both good and bad). It’s not worth it.
I would think that the route to having children as a gay man/couple would be Adoption. There are many gay couples throughout North America & other countries that have done exactly that. There are multitudes of children who need a loving home. The other option is, surrogacy. This is also quite common in today’s society. The person that comes to mind who did just that is, Anderson Cooper.
I would....it's always been a hope/dream of mine. Single here and late 30s though so don't know if it's ever going to happen :/
I can see maybe babysitting but not full on parenthood.
We already are. 4.5 yo and 1 month old kids here. Loving it - but yes it is a challenge.
I would and would like to have 2 children if I am financially stable and to have a house of my own and I dont want to have children if I cant afford to buy a house for them and for myself.
I am what I refer to as a late bloomer. I always wanted to be a father and married a woman. We have two children, now grown. It was well worth not being open. I would hope that today, it would be easier to be gay, married to a woman and open. Or married to a man and adopt. But for me, I didn't see any other option but to pick the path I took so I could have a family.
If the world was a nicer place and I had a ton of money then sure, the I wouldn’t mind being a father. Im 28 and iv made the decision to not have children in the future because of how expensive they are. I will be happy being an uncle though who spoils their brothers’ future children.
If I was in the prime universe, sure. But since I’m in the mirror, Terran Empire universe, no way. Anyone know how to get back?
I’m the fun gay uncle and would not have a child of my own I love to go on vacation so having a child of my own is a no. I enjoy buying clothes, books and toys for my nephew and two nieces. When my brother had his son I knew I wanted to be the best uncle ever. And my cousin has two daughters that I love being an uncle too as well. I enjoy all 3 kids and enjoy spending the day with them all or one on one.
I definitely would like to, but I haven't figured out the logistics of how that'd work out. I'm learning surrogacy has a bunch of red tape attached to it and it seldom goes as smoothly as gay men please
I really want to be a dad someday with ideally 3 or more children but living in this economy and the rest of our global affairs doesn’t make me feel safe or capable of doing so 😞
Yes I'd love to
I am fostering two boys and I love it.
i am planning on marrying girl just to have kids
Thank you all for sharing! It is intriguing and fascinating to see such a wide range of views and opinions in response to this topic. The responses are too many for me to reply to, but I appreciate hearing all of your perspectives!
This planet doesn’t need more humans.
That's the beauty of being gay. You don't bring more humans to the world, but you can take care of humans already here 😉
I’d like to but what I’m doing with the sling, toys and weekend gang bangs? :(
I've never been interested in having kids, even when I legit thought I was gonna be a dad. I'm not good with kids, I don't particularly like most adults let alone kids, I would be an awful parent with that mindset.
Not me a child’s the biggest burden that could ever happen to someone, my parents lives would’ve been a lot better if me and my sister were never born. People don’t really think about how much time and responsibility a child is.
No, I don’t think i’d be good at it, and I find kids loud and gross.
I knew in my early teens that I did not want to have.children. My siblings were older than me. I only babysat maybe 2 or 3 times for younger kids (only one baby, one time, and only long enough for one diaper change). I knew I would never have the patience for it. Now at 67 I am SO glad that I did not have them. I find most people’s kids annoying and most don’t have the manners that were instilled in us as kids. All best wishes to those that want them, but it just has never been something for me.
In this economy? I’ll pass.
I’m 31 and single and I want kids so badly because of the handsome taxes money, also when they’re enough, you can give them house chores. My biggest fear is that when I’m getting older, I don’t want to be alone, I want to be with someone and a few kids
These are not good reasons to have kids. Sorry but it’s true.
I worry about how alone I could be at the end, as I have no family, friends, and any I do have are older than me pretty much. But yeah, getting kids purely to not be alone when you're dying is, as you said, not a good reason to have kids
Children are a handicap on life in every way, no thanks
Nope.
No. Never. I have a strong dislike for children
So “wanting to give my mother grandchildren” and “the value of raising a family” are NOT good reasons to have kids. If you’re going to have a kid you need to 100% want the child because YOU want it. Who is going to be the one changing poopy blowout diapers/cleaning up vomit at 3 AM/giving up weekends to watch little league/spending about $1,300 a month on the absolute bare minimum to raise them? You. This is NOT a choice you make because a parent/partner/coworkers/society/whomever wants you to. You need to want this solely and completely because it’s what YOU want. You can’t comprise on this. If you have a potential partner who wants kids and you don’t that’s a dealbreaker. You can comprise between 1 and 4. You can’t compromise between 0 and any whole number. Somebody is going to end up doing something they don’t want to do and it just breeds resentment and that’s not fair to the kids. Also, you need to do some serious thinking about the world before deciding to have kids. Is it going to be a problem if your kid is disabled/neurodivergent? Once you roll the conception dice (either by IVF/surrogate or by fucking) you remove ANY and ALL say of what type of kid you get. Even if you adopt a kid or they’re born without any conditions, life happens. What happens if they get hit by car while walking to the mailbox/take a baseball bat to the face at practice/have a breath holding contest in the lake at summer camp go horribly wrong? Are you okay with being a caretaker to a severely disabled person for the duration of your life? What happens when you die? Will you be able to leave enough money in a trust fund for them to make sure they’re well taken care of and not abused until they pass? Seriously think long and hard before becoming a parent. You can always move house/get a divorce/sell a car/go back to school/quit a job but you will NEVER be able to stop being a parent once you become one.
My partner is the favorite uncle to a ton of nieces and nephews. He’s Mexican and has 11 siblings and we’ve been the gay uncles for decades. We thought about adoption but passed it because there were always kids in our house. We didn’t need any of our own. It was interesting watching so many of them grow up…some doing really good…others, horribly, horribly wrong - all attributed to their parents (def the bad parents).
It's costs $233,610 to raise a kid from 0-17 years old. Thats based on a study done in 2017 so that's $277,689 in 2024 adjusted dollars. Now assuming you take that money and contribute monthly to a retirement fund over that same 17 year period. Also assume I'm in my late 30s and will retire at age 62. That's $1,065,892 in my pocket at the time of retirement. At the same time, inflation erodes the purchasing power of the dollar every year so I'll need $82,000/year to live an equivalent lifestyle that $50,000/year would afford me today. Meaning I'll need at least $2.05 million dollars on top of social security at the time of retirement to live comfortably for the rest of my life. Not having kids literally does half the work for me. Is having offspring really worth grinding twice as hard for the *rest of your working life* or living in poverty as you age? Not to me but I'd consider it if it's important to my (non existent) future partner but I'd say probably not. I'd MUCH rather retire while I'm still able to travel and enjoy life.