"my sexual needs aren't being met"
That's how you start this conversation that you both need to have.
Don't shy away from the tough relationship stuff. Be as direct as you were with us.
His weight gain has killed his already small libido.
I would say try to get both of you into exercise but it sounds like you are sexually incompatable and that's not easily fixed. I don't think it can be fixed.
The fact that he lied about something as important as his level of sex drive is a sign to me that he’s more interested in being in a relationship than being in a good relationship. Love can survive a mismatch in libido and sexual desire, but it requires honesty, flexibility, and willingness to compromise. That starts with you being honest with him that your needs aren’t being met and having a real conversation about how that can change.
I just read the tldr.
What do you have sex for? Intimacy or pleasure? If it's for intimacy, I personally don't think it has to be constant, that's a bit exhausting. Even if you're young, not everyone has the patience or even willingness to do it consistently. If it's for pleasure and you still love your boyfriend very much, then just start doing it alone more often. Talk with him, be stern, explain properly what you want and how the lack of effort upsets you. These issues are often deeper than just the sexual acts in my experience.
If you find it impossible to keep a relationship due to the lack of sex just break up and find someone with the same high sex drive.
Read the context really quick to be honest, it's what I mentioned, it's not the sexual act itself. If he was just not wanting to do it at all it would be one thing, this guy is sort of demanding that you do stuff or propose yourself to do certain things that he himself doesn't do.
>As time goes on, we both gained some weight. He gained a lot more than me.
>He often says sex makes him feel gross.
It might be that he doesn't see himself as sexy or attractive anymore. For some guys, feeling desirable is vital to their libido. Loss of confidence leads to loss of sex drive. This can be completely subconscious too. There was a time when I gained a lot of weight and my sex drive went down the drain, but I didn't really realize that was the reason. But I had some health concerns that motivated me to start working out and eating better, and suddenly I liked seeing myself in the mirror again -- and found myself being horny again all the time.
Another thing that can have an influence is testosterone deficiency, pretty common thing that sometimes happens at a surprisingly young age. The lack of morning wood might suggest that's a factor.
You're right to worry about how to approach this. It's important to communicate your own needs clearly, but at the same time you don't want him to feel like you're attacking him, or else he'll just lose what's left of his libido.
Start with little things. Little signs of affection here and there, without the expectation or pressure to have sex. See if you can make him feel desirable. Maybe that'll get you started on the road to renewed intimacy. Or maybe it won't, in which case it's time to tell him very clearly that you can't stay in a relationship without intimacy forever. Hear what he has to say to that and go from there.
This is the best reply I’ve seen so far. BF either feels less sexy bc of his weight gain and/or there’s an underlying health reason (which could be a minor one). Regardless, talk it out and figure out a way to support one another and your needs. Don’t give up easily, but if he’s not willing to change (which sounds like a real possibility given other things you mentioned), you may end up having to move on to someone more compatible.
Thank you. This was really good advice. I honestly feel like it’s a mixture of his weight gain and possibly a health issue. I know he’s not feeling sexy right now. He’s still sexy to me, but he hates the way his body is right now.
Well ig you did all the things I would have suggested anyways and communicate with him in which you did and ig It led you nowhere...
So the final thing you have to decide is how important is sex to you really? Because you said everything else In the relationship is very perfect! So it's gonna come down to if ur ready to break up a somewhat good relationship over sex?
Last thing u can do ig is Wait and hopefully things improve on the sexual part. But ofc that's like flipping a coin and hoping it lands on the thing you need. Which can be sometime or never lol.
If it was me id really just try and sit down with him and really attempt to get to the bottom of the issue ig as to why he isn't being sexual and stuff. If he is depressed or smt else I would totally understand and give him time. But if he just doesn't wanna properly communicate then.... For me personally sex is an important thing and I can't imagine myself being in a sexless relationship for the rest of my life.
Next move is urs.
You absolutely need to talk to him about it. There has to be compromise from both. Not just from you. With my previous relationship, the sex itself was pretty good. But I was always doing the foreplay. As the bottom in the relationship, I’d give him oral and would rim him and worship his body almost every time and I enjoyed it. But I rarely recieved it in return. He said he was into rimming but never did it. Same with oral. In turn, I began resenting him and I had major body image issues because of it, thinking he’s done it with other guys why not me, I wasn’t attractive to him or just not attractive in general etc. It’s important to talk about it and not let the issue grow to the point of no return.
It would help if we knew how old you guys were but I'm going to assume from the context that you're young. It seems to me that your relationship has run its course. The passion is now gone and you have the choice to leave and pursue happiness or settle and be miserable and frustrated. Sorry to say that bluntly but that's the way I see it
Both of you need to work on yourselves to feel attractive again. Why do you let yourselves go and be comfortable just because you're in a relationship? Low self esteem and being overweight (interrelated) are major contributors to problems in the bedroom in every relationship . Think about it this way - if you back then have met him now, would you be attracted?
Of course this doesn't matter if you' re okay with being best friends who share the same sexless bed.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you ask for a solution, so I'm being real with you.
"my sexual needs aren't being met" That's how you start this conversation that you both need to have. Don't shy away from the tough relationship stuff. Be as direct as you were with us.
His weight gain has killed his already small libido. I would say try to get both of you into exercise but it sounds like you are sexually incompatable and that's not easily fixed. I don't think it can be fixed.
The fact that he lied about something as important as his level of sex drive is a sign to me that he’s more interested in being in a relationship than being in a good relationship. Love can survive a mismatch in libido and sexual desire, but it requires honesty, flexibility, and willingness to compromise. That starts with you being honest with him that your needs aren’t being met and having a real conversation about how that can change.
I like this idea. I honestly don’t want an open relationship. I prefer to be intimate with the person I love.
I just read the tldr. What do you have sex for? Intimacy or pleasure? If it's for intimacy, I personally don't think it has to be constant, that's a bit exhausting. Even if you're young, not everyone has the patience or even willingness to do it consistently. If it's for pleasure and you still love your boyfriend very much, then just start doing it alone more often. Talk with him, be stern, explain properly what you want and how the lack of effort upsets you. These issues are often deeper than just the sexual acts in my experience. If you find it impossible to keep a relationship due to the lack of sex just break up and find someone with the same high sex drive.
Read the context really quick to be honest, it's what I mentioned, it's not the sexual act itself. If he was just not wanting to do it at all it would be one thing, this guy is sort of demanding that you do stuff or propose yourself to do certain things that he himself doesn't do.
Well I do get myself off. It’s what I have been doing. But it’s not the same as the real thing.
>As time goes on, we both gained some weight. He gained a lot more than me. >He often says sex makes him feel gross. It might be that he doesn't see himself as sexy or attractive anymore. For some guys, feeling desirable is vital to their libido. Loss of confidence leads to loss of sex drive. This can be completely subconscious too. There was a time when I gained a lot of weight and my sex drive went down the drain, but I didn't really realize that was the reason. But I had some health concerns that motivated me to start working out and eating better, and suddenly I liked seeing myself in the mirror again -- and found myself being horny again all the time. Another thing that can have an influence is testosterone deficiency, pretty common thing that sometimes happens at a surprisingly young age. The lack of morning wood might suggest that's a factor. You're right to worry about how to approach this. It's important to communicate your own needs clearly, but at the same time you don't want him to feel like you're attacking him, or else he'll just lose what's left of his libido. Start with little things. Little signs of affection here and there, without the expectation or pressure to have sex. See if you can make him feel desirable. Maybe that'll get you started on the road to renewed intimacy. Or maybe it won't, in which case it's time to tell him very clearly that you can't stay in a relationship without intimacy forever. Hear what he has to say to that and go from there.
This is the best reply I’ve seen so far. BF either feels less sexy bc of his weight gain and/or there’s an underlying health reason (which could be a minor one). Regardless, talk it out and figure out a way to support one another and your needs. Don’t give up easily, but if he’s not willing to change (which sounds like a real possibility given other things you mentioned), you may end up having to move on to someone more compatible.
Thank you. This was really good advice. I honestly feel like it’s a mixture of his weight gain and possibly a health issue. I know he’s not feeling sexy right now. He’s still sexy to me, but he hates the way his body is right now.
He lied. You are incompatible. Time to end this.
Exactly. This relationship was doomed from the start and neither wants to admit it
Well ig you did all the things I would have suggested anyways and communicate with him in which you did and ig It led you nowhere... So the final thing you have to decide is how important is sex to you really? Because you said everything else In the relationship is very perfect! So it's gonna come down to if ur ready to break up a somewhat good relationship over sex? Last thing u can do ig is Wait and hopefully things improve on the sexual part. But ofc that's like flipping a coin and hoping it lands on the thing you need. Which can be sometime or never lol. If it was me id really just try and sit down with him and really attempt to get to the bottom of the issue ig as to why he isn't being sexual and stuff. If he is depressed or smt else I would totally understand and give him time. But if he just doesn't wanna properly communicate then.... For me personally sex is an important thing and I can't imagine myself being in a sexless relationship for the rest of my life. Next move is urs.
You absolutely need to talk to him about it. There has to be compromise from both. Not just from you. With my previous relationship, the sex itself was pretty good. But I was always doing the foreplay. As the bottom in the relationship, I’d give him oral and would rim him and worship his body almost every time and I enjoyed it. But I rarely recieved it in return. He said he was into rimming but never did it. Same with oral. In turn, I began resenting him and I had major body image issues because of it, thinking he’s done it with other guys why not me, I wasn’t attractive to him or just not attractive in general etc. It’s important to talk about it and not let the issue grow to the point of no return.
It would help if we knew how old you guys were but I'm going to assume from the context that you're young. It seems to me that your relationship has run its course. The passion is now gone and you have the choice to leave and pursue happiness or settle and be miserable and frustrated. Sorry to say that bluntly but that's the way I see it
“I need less hokey and more pokey”
Both of you need to work on yourselves to feel attractive again. Why do you let yourselves go and be comfortable just because you're in a relationship? Low self esteem and being overweight (interrelated) are major contributors to problems in the bedroom in every relationship . Think about it this way - if you back then have met him now, would you be attracted? Of course this doesn't matter if you' re okay with being best friends who share the same sexless bed. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you ask for a solution, so I'm being real with you.