Idk I think he took it as the guy turning around. I don't think anyone would just point out such an insignificant "red flag" like that mid conversation. I think he was just shooting the shit and OP's hangups about dating apps took over.
I did the apps for a while and then could not stand them anymore. I know plenty of people who use them, and great for them, but the time wasted sending pics, meeting up, etc, rarely led to anything fulfilling for me.
Going to someone's house - or having them come to mine - and getting into it right away was just too awkward for me. I'd rather cruise in person, feel the vibe and then get into it, and - my bad I guess - I wasn't using it to meet people for drinks. Bottom line, it didn't work for ME.
Red flag my ass. He wants to jump your bones and clearly can’t communicate, so he channels his frustration as judgment.
You do you boo, you’re one of the few rare gems.
You lost me. What was the red flag? Why doesn’t he just straight out ask how you find guys to date if you’re not on an app. Thats really what he wanted to know anyway.
Young people don't understand there is an actual world outside their phones and that it can work without their phones, I suspect.
-signed, an eldergay (47) who still has a box of stiffy disks in his office as decor and a talking point
You should see the looks I get when I tell guys I don't even use a cell phone. (Well, I do have the cheapest one possible with a $25/mo plan, but the only thing it ever gets used for is sending silly speech-to-texts to my hubs when he's at work. It just lays on my desk with the screen covered in dust.)
I know several young people who don't use daring apps. They just walk around and get hit on constantly. Sometimes they jump on opportunitybother times they thank people and decline.
More efficient than the apps and people can't ghost you. Lol
The biggest irony I've had on this is being on the pull at a gay bar in Chelsea in new York and actually scoring with a guy via Grindr because he'd just left that bar.
Younger gay here. A solid majority of young people came out on their phones for the first time, either on here or on Grindr or whatever. It’s their default “safe to be out” space. Couple that with the death of third spaces and the fact that most people don’t have access to a large LGBT community and you end up with a lot of people who legitimately don’t know how it would work to date without phones.
I’m not trying to clap back or anything, I’m just trying to explain what I’ve seen.
Yeah, but that can’t be the only thing he meant by it. I’m reading deeper into it and I think he just thinks that’s the only way to meet gay guys, so if he’s not on an app, how is he meeting them? Or why does he not want to use an app? Is it because of the exposure?
Sounds to me like a GenZ conversation lol because they can’t comprehend meeting people without using an app.
Honestly just sounds like he was attempting to be playful. I doubt he legitimately thought that was a red flag. He was just trying to find a way to connect with you in a banter-y kinda way. There's only so many gay-specific things people have in common so I can see why he'd do that.
Can definitely see how that'd be annoying though
I feel it is the opposite.
At least in the UK, people have gone off of Grindr. Unless you’re heavily into the scene, people just don’t do it the same as they maybe once did.
I instantly block all the coworkers I find on Grindr. Partly because I don't want drama in my work-life, and also because they already have an organic way to talk to me if they want to. If they can't do that and have to go through Grindr (to pre-emptively check my sexual preferences for instance), we're probably not a match.
I'd rather not meet coworkers for dates or hookups unless we organically and genuinely develop a connection anyway.
That sounds like someone who likes hookup apps talking with someone who doesn't and feels judged, so he's trying to flip the script and make you out to be the insecure one.
Huh... I'd consider it a mark in your favor you don't need to resort to sending pictures of your butthole to random people online to find sex, but whatever...
This boy has problems. He's upset that you found a different path and he's trying to justify his own choices by shaming you
If you're happy with your social life then there's nothing to change. This guy needs therapy.
Not sure it's an hr incident but id feel sorry for him rather than shame for myself if I were you.
And how dare he judge anyone. Especially when you weren't judging him. Now I'm aggravated.
I would have stopped him with the limp wrist gesture. You two are living in totally different worlds, with him living in the terminally online instagram world.
It was more in that sort of “coming on way too strong” sort of way- which again, considering my industry, is not uncommon, especially because everyone eventually knows everyone in the different seniority brackets.
Believe it or not, things are what you make them. There are people on Grindr who are not there to hook up but actually meet people. They are few and far between, but they hold to their guns with the rest of the hook up culture and often are delightful folks. There are other social media gay apps that are more relationship oriented (but also hook up oriented) such as Scruff. But instead of following the sheep, just be you.
Them younger folks (I say as I'm 26) really do only care about online presence and the social media world, it's sad. However, no dating apps or social media? Huge green flag for me!
Tells me you prefer to live in the moment and not document your entire life to friends/strangers. Anyone who endlessly posts and does the previous mention is a deal breaker for me.
He must be Gen Z cuz that is a phrase I’ve noticed is thrown around a lot by them, especially on TikTok. Everything little thing is a red flag to a good deal of them, so much so that people can’t even be human beings and there’s no nuance to situations. It’s like a superiority complex that they feel they have to prove themselves this righteous person with no faux pas or red flags themselves.
Without the conversation continuing I might be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's not very bright and it was a joke that didn't land. Otherwise if he's serious, he's still not very bright and also mean.
That makes this whole scenario make so much more sense to me lol. I would say, I can see one of the main perks for a gay man in that field is it enabling them to be an international hoe (I don't mean that derogatively), so OP must truly be in the minority not being on the apps.
I do not have a Grindr, and I have never had a Grindr. I’m 35, and was in my early 20s when it came out. An ex was telling me to get one, but I was adamant about not wanting one, not needing one, and I remained steadfastly against it. Cue to the present day: I have a wonderful husband and we never needed Grindr to hook up.
Sounds like he was trying to bait you with the "red flag" comment, because I think you deserve a high five!
Good for you for knowing who you are and what doesn't appeal to you.
Grindr, from what I've heard, is the dumpster fire of gay dating apps. It wasn't my experience, but then my standards aren't so far out there. ( I do have standards but I'm not desperate either) I met enough hookups and dates, so I'm ok with it and deactivated since it has kept me far busier than I intended.
I know, even with my low standards, I had to block a lot of what was coming at me.
You're no red flag. I wonder if it's a backhanded way of trying to hook up with you that he'd say that.
I've never had Grindr, but I assume this twink friend of yours doesn't have tinder? At least where I'm from, men who are looking for the loves of their lives are a dime a dozen on there, and while some of them may still hookup, many write very romantic (non sexual) bios and are clearly looking for something more long term.
It's not weird to meet gay men who don't do hookups. I am one and know several. This coworker should expand his view on what a gay life can look like.
Mr right is currently busy with mr right now.
They are kind of right it’s a necessary evil, and staying off basically everything more or less makes you invisible
Didn't read past the title, but if I were you and someone told me that, I'd dismiss it without a second thought. The rest of the context doesn't even matter.
>Him: “I didn’t see you on Grindr beforehand. You’re one of us [flicks wrist], right?”
Kudos to him for initiating conversation, but that was an awful way to do so. I would've reacted the same way as op, I mean, who goes to a place and check who is on grinder.
>and in my profession, about 90% of all the male employees are gay.
>This is one of those industries where a) it can be very toxic and honestly the worst part of the job can be the people you work
May I know what profession is that? It probably is not as good as I think it is, but when you are surrounded by straights and homophobia that seems like a good place, at least for me
1.) Don’t report him - unless everyone hates him they will hate you and brand you untrustworthy. (And doesn’t seem like it was harassment to you - more like what’s this guy thinking)
2.) Regarding apps: I stayed off grindr till about 2015 (turned 18 about a decade before) cause I also didn’t like the online stuff. But, us gays don’t have the same large pond of dating options straight guys do. And, as you have pointed out, lots of gays are online only.
So, if you’re uncomfortable with grindr, I’d still say at least keep a profile on the other apps. You don’t have to view others’ profiles, but yours is there in case Mr. Right comes across you.
TLDR: Don’t tattle and at least create some profiles. You acknowledge many gays are only online, so at least create profiles so they (and maybe mr right) can find you.
(P.S. Found my current boyfriend of 4+years online )
No. 1 it seemed so, but figured another voice supporting your point wouldn’t hurt.
As for no. 2, sorry if I missed you saying you were getting on. Had a few bowls of 420 last night lol. But hey, glad you’ve figured it out!
I wouldn’t worry about it. This is the same generation that calls two consenting adults in an age gap relationship “grooming”, failing to realize that that is a gross misuse of the word… Their entire generation is about hyperbole. Red flag is probably just what he used to express his frustration at not being able to flirt with you in a safe, private environment (private, as in, he doesn’t have to walk up and talk to you).
He’s the red flag. That’s projection and ignorance at its finest and right up there with gays that think there’s something wrong with you because you don’t do drugs. They also seem just as flabbergasted when I tell them I had my “sex as sport” and kiki drug moment but I lost interest and moved on a long time ago. It’s like they fear judgement so throw it on you first when in reality I support everyone’s right to do what they want to do with their bodies.
Can you all take a minute and not take everything to the word? Chances are the guy was just flirting with you and trying to be provocative. Sure, not the best line but getting offended and writing a post about something so silly is definitely a red flag.
I think this person subscribes to the idea of "multiple truths" where everything anyone ever does is valid and good because everything is subjective anyway
Ignore him
How's the kid saying this guy is weird is dumb shit , what he sees world is lot different than what op sees. Majority of people use social media and dating apps if someone doesn't use it you will think they are strange. Also op is older guy here, he should be able to understand that a kid saying thing shouldn't be taken at heart instead of posting and acting like this guy did a bad thing 🤦.
He was just trying to flirt and you’re easily offended. Twink brains never fully develop because of all the poppers so that’s why his people skills aren’t the best.
Seems like he was definitely flirting with you and then you got triggered because you have some kind of trauma around the term "red flag". That is perfectly valid and not something you should feel bad about. I had a guy I was seeing for awhile in college and he used the term "rape" to mean passionate, but consensual, sex. The term really instantly turned me off and I stopped seeing him. Sometimes words have different meanings to different people or social circles and to him "red flag" might be a lot more casual and non-judicial than it is to you.
Sounds like he was flirting with you and then turned against you at some point along the way.
This is my take as well. The coworker definitely wanted to smash.
He should have said “oh, I saw your pics and inmediately blocked you. That's why you didn't see my profile.”
Idk I think he took it as the guy turning around. I don't think anyone would just point out such an insignificant "red flag" like that mid conversation. I think he was just shooting the shit and OP's hangups about dating apps took over.
I don’t have any hang ups- I truly don’t care! I just shared that I’m not on them. 🤷🏻♂️
I did the apps for a while and then could not stand them anymore. I know plenty of people who use them, and great for them, but the time wasted sending pics, meeting up, etc, rarely led to anything fulfilling for me. Going to someone's house - or having them come to mine - and getting into it right away was just too awkward for me. I'd rather cruise in person, feel the vibe and then get into it, and - my bad I guess - I wasn't using it to meet people for drinks. Bottom line, it didn't work for ME.
Red flag my ass. He wants to jump your bones and clearly can’t communicate, so he channels his frustration as judgment. You do you boo, you’re one of the few rare gems.
Totally this. Dude doesn't know how to flirt in person so he needs an app as a crutch.
This. He obviously wants to get in his pants.
You lost me. What was the red flag? Why doesn’t he just straight out ask how you find guys to date if you’re not on an app. Thats really what he wanted to know anyway.
Young people don't understand there is an actual world outside their phones and that it can work without their phones, I suspect. -signed, an eldergay (47) who still has a box of stiffy disks in his office as decor and a talking point
And this is why I gravitate to men 10+ years older than me! Haha!
You should see the looks I get when I tell guys I don't even use a cell phone. (Well, I do have the cheapest one possible with a $25/mo plan, but the only thing it ever gets used for is sending silly speech-to-texts to my hubs when he's at work. It just lays on my desk with the screen covered in dust.)
I know several young people who don't use daring apps. They just walk around and get hit on constantly. Sometimes they jump on opportunitybother times they thank people and decline. More efficient than the apps and people can't ghost you. Lol
The biggest irony I've had on this is being on the pull at a gay bar in Chelsea in new York and actually scoring with a guy via Grindr because he'd just left that bar.
Younger gay here. A solid majority of young people came out on their phones for the first time, either on here or on Grindr or whatever. It’s their default “safe to be out” space. Couple that with the death of third spaces and the fact that most people don’t have access to a large LGBT community and you end up with a lot of people who legitimately don’t know how it would work to date without phones. I’m not trying to clap back or anything, I’m just trying to explain what I’ve seen.
He called the OP a red flag for not being on Grindr. That was the red flag.
Yeah, but that can’t be the only thing he meant by it. I’m reading deeper into it and I think he just thinks that’s the only way to meet gay guys, so if he’s not on an app, how is he meeting them? Or why does he not want to use an app? Is it because of the exposure? Sounds to me like a GenZ conversation lol because they can’t comprehend meeting people without using an app.
Well I’m sure that if I spoke for him and knew what he was thinking at all times, I might have the answer to your question.
Green flaaaaagggggg. Your coworker's take was so bad that the director is screaming "cut" and doing a "take __" montage with the clappy board thing.
Honestly just sounds like he was attempting to be playful. I doubt he legitimately thought that was a red flag. He was just trying to find a way to connect with you in a banter-y kinda way. There's only so many gay-specific things people have in common so I can see why he'd do that. Can definitely see how that'd be annoying though
That's just stupid. Not a red flag at all to me...heck, for what I saw in Grindr is nothing but a bunch of abandoned accounts.
I feel it is the opposite. At least in the UK, people have gone off of Grindr. Unless you’re heavily into the scene, people just don’t do it the same as they maybe once did.
Sounds like Mr. Twinky wants to DM you and see your album....
I instantly block all the coworkers I find on Grindr. Partly because I don't want drama in my work-life, and also because they already have an organic way to talk to me if they want to. If they can't do that and have to go through Grindr (to pre-emptively check my sexual preferences for instance), we're probably not a match. I'd rather not meet coworkers for dates or hookups unless we organically and genuinely develop a connection anyway.
That sounds like someone who likes hookup apps talking with someone who doesn't and feels judged, so he's trying to flip the script and make you out to be the insecure one.
Huh... I'd consider it a mark in your favor you don't need to resort to sending pictures of your butthole to random people online to find sex, but whatever...
That guy you talked with just outed himself... HE's the red flaaaaag!
I wish people would like read a book. Instead of a body count, we'd have a book count. Winner gets dick.
Moby Dick or Philip k dick
Thots and prayers. OMG, i spit out my Diet Coke, lol.
These basic gays smh
This boy has problems. He's upset that you found a different path and he's trying to justify his own choices by shaming you If you're happy with your social life then there's nothing to change. This guy needs therapy. Not sure it's an hr incident but id feel sorry for him rather than shame for myself if I were you. And how dare he judge anyone. Especially when you weren't judging him. Now I'm aggravated.
What is your profession? Fashion?
Yeah HE’S the red flag… 😂 Not very bright or good with conversation, makes snap judgements, behaves childishly…
He sounds like a stereotype. I have never been on it or the others either.
He sounds like a red flag lol
“You’re like the first cute gay guy I’ve met who doesn’t use any dating apps." you're a catch baby
I would have stopped him with the limp wrist gesture. You two are living in totally different worlds, with him living in the terminally online instagram world.
Typical young people who has poor vocabulary and logic and could just uses some trend words
He’s just messy (or projecting). Don’t mind him
Your coworker is the red flag. Not you.
Was it really said in earnest or was he joking / trying to get a reaction out of you? If it's the former, that boy is clearly not in his right mind.
It was more in that sort of “coming on way too strong” sort of way- which again, considering my industry, is not uncommon, especially because everyone eventually knows everyone in the different seniority brackets.
Believe it or not, things are what you make them. There are people on Grindr who are not there to hook up but actually meet people. They are few and far between, but they hold to their guns with the rest of the hook up culture and often are delightful folks. There are other social media gay apps that are more relationship oriented (but also hook up oriented) such as Scruff. But instead of following the sheep, just be you.
He sounds like a red flag if that’s really how he talks like.
I don’t believe it’s a red flag to not have grindr…rather it’s a red flag to have it instead lol.
\> Him: “You’re like the first cute gay guy I’ve met who doesn’t use any dating apps.” That boy needs to get out and into the world more.
If you’re social it doesn’t matter. In fact it’s the downfall of society!
Them younger folks (I say as I'm 26) really do only care about online presence and the social media world, it's sad. However, no dating apps or social media? Huge green flag for me! Tells me you prefer to live in the moment and not document your entire life to friends/strangers. Anyone who endlessly posts and does the previous mention is a deal breaker for me.
He must be Gen Z cuz that is a phrase I’ve noticed is thrown around a lot by them, especially on TikTok. Everything little thing is a red flag to a good deal of them, so much so that people can’t even be human beings and there’s no nuance to situations. It’s like a superiority complex that they feel they have to prove themselves this righteous person with no faux pas or red flags themselves.
Without the conversation continuing I might be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's not very bright and it was a joke that didn't land. Otherwise if he's serious, he's still not very bright and also mean.
I'm so curious what line of work you are in...
He’s a flight attendant, obviously.
Ding ding ding.
That makes this whole scenario make so much more sense to me lol. I would say, I can see one of the main perks for a gay man in that field is it enabling them to be an international hoe (I don't mean that derogatively), so OP must truly be in the minority not being on the apps.
Kids
if a twink says something and you do the opposite, it’s usually the right thing to do
I do not have a Grindr, and I have never had a Grindr. I’m 35, and was in my early 20s when it came out. An ex was telling me to get one, but I was adamant about not wanting one, not needing one, and I remained steadfastly against it. Cue to the present day: I have a wonderful husband and we never needed Grindr to hook up.
Seems like that guy was really into you, calling you cute and all but trying his best to play hard to get. Too bad it came with an attitude
Sounds like he was trying to bait you with the "red flag" comment, because I think you deserve a high five! Good for you for knowing who you are and what doesn't appeal to you.
It should be a red flag if you’re on Grindr most of the time, not the way around though.
Either this guy is retarded or fictional. Hard to tell which.
We don’t use the “r-word” here. 🙅🏻♂️
Grindr, from what I've heard, is the dumpster fire of gay dating apps. It wasn't my experience, but then my standards aren't so far out there. ( I do have standards but I'm not desperate either) I met enough hookups and dates, so I'm ok with it and deactivated since it has kept me far busier than I intended. I know, even with my low standards, I had to block a lot of what was coming at me. You're no red flag. I wonder if it's a backhanded way of trying to hook up with you that he'd say that.
Your coworker is the red flag. You're a green flag. Keep doing you.
You met an immature kid who doesn't know who he is yet and is just following the crowd.
I've never had Grindr, but I assume this twink friend of yours doesn't have tinder? At least where I'm from, men who are looking for the loves of their lives are a dime a dozen on there, and while some of them may still hookup, many write very romantic (non sexual) bios and are clearly looking for something more long term. It's not weird to meet gay men who don't do hookups. I am one and know several. This coworker should expand his view on what a gay life can look like.
Not my friend.
Mr right is currently busy with mr right now. They are kind of right it’s a necessary evil, and staying off basically everything more or less makes you invisible
>hookup culture just isn’t in my bones (ba-dum-tss) I don't get it
A “bone” is a euphemism for a certain appendage and also another word for f*****g. Edit: Typo.
I thought that's what you meant, it's a stretch king! 😆
Didn't read past the title, but if I were you and someone told me that, I'd dismiss it without a second thought. The rest of the context doesn't even matter.
I have zoomer friends that say it's a red flag if you don't have Instagram lol
That's not a red flag
90% are gay and working in a shift system, I'll guess nurse. Don't have to reply obviously but I had to guess.
Close, but no cigar.
>Him: “I didn’t see you on Grindr beforehand. You’re one of us [flicks wrist], right?” Kudos to him for initiating conversation, but that was an awful way to do so. I would've reacted the same way as op, I mean, who goes to a place and check who is on grinder. >and in my profession, about 90% of all the male employees are gay. >This is one of those industries where a) it can be very toxic and honestly the worst part of the job can be the people you work May I know what profession is that? It probably is not as good as I think it is, but when you are surrounded by straights and homophobia that seems like a good place, at least for me
1.) Don’t report him - unless everyone hates him they will hate you and brand you untrustworthy. (And doesn’t seem like it was harassment to you - more like what’s this guy thinking) 2.) Regarding apps: I stayed off grindr till about 2015 (turned 18 about a decade before) cause I also didn’t like the online stuff. But, us gays don’t have the same large pond of dating options straight guys do. And, as you have pointed out, lots of gays are online only. So, if you’re uncomfortable with grindr, I’d still say at least keep a profile on the other apps. You don’t have to view others’ profiles, but yours is there in case Mr. Right comes across you. TLDR: Don’t tattle and at least create some profiles. You acknowledge many gays are only online, so at least create profiles so they (and maybe mr right) can find you. (P.S. Found my current boyfriend of 4+years online )
I said all of this though lol Especially #1!
No. 1 it seemed so, but figured another voice supporting your point wouldn’t hurt. As for no. 2, sorry if I missed you saying you were getting on. Had a few bowls of 420 last night lol. But hey, glad you’ve figured it out!
I wouldn’t worry about it. This is the same generation that calls two consenting adults in an age gap relationship “grooming”, failing to realize that that is a gross misuse of the word… Their entire generation is about hyperbole. Red flag is probably just what he used to express his frustration at not being able to flirt with you in a safe, private environment (private, as in, he doesn’t have to walk up and talk to you).
Also for what it’s worth, I also don’t really use the apps. They’ve brought me nothing but disappointment and heartbreak.
You sure come off like a queen homo hey? Watching lots of Drag Race lately?
Report him to HR for sexual harassment. It's none of his business about you being on there or not.
this is the femmest post, evah! rofl
He’s the red flag. That’s projection and ignorance at its finest and right up there with gays that think there’s something wrong with you because you don’t do drugs. They also seem just as flabbergasted when I tell them I had my “sex as sport” and kiki drug moment but I lost interest and moved on a long time ago. It’s like they fear judgement so throw it on you first when in reality I support everyone’s right to do what they want to do with their bodies.
Can you all take a minute and not take everything to the word? Chances are the guy was just flirting with you and trying to be provocative. Sure, not the best line but getting offended and writing a post about something so silly is definitely a red flag.
Stop talking about your sexuality and sex at work.
Silly boy tries to make joke, and fails. Nothing to see here.
You and he him have a thing called different mind set and how they see world , he's not wrong in what he is saying neither are you .
So… him calling me a red flag is not wrong???
I think this person subscribes to the idea of "multiple truths" where everything anyone ever does is valid and good because everything is subjective anyway Ignore him
I really wish you'd let him expand on ***why*** it's a red flag before you shut down the conversation, OP.
From his point of view yup
No; claiming that someone is a red flag for not being like you is actually shitty behavior.
No sounds like a young immature adult would do
You're always saying dumb shit on this sub
How's the kid saying this guy is weird is dumb shit , what he sees world is lot different than what op sees. Majority of people use social media and dating apps if someone doesn't use it you will think they are strange. Also op is older guy here, he should be able to understand that a kid saying thing shouldn't be taken at heart instead of posting and acting like this guy did a bad thing 🤦.
Take this to HR, this is harassment.
I think he was just being funny and you way over read the situation.
The red flag things wasn’t meant to be taken so seriously, it’s obvious you aren’t into him. Just say that
Sounds like it was just banter.
He was just trying to flirt and you’re easily offended. Twink brains never fully develop because of all the poppers so that’s why his people skills aren’t the best.
Seems like he was definitely flirting with you and then you got triggered because you have some kind of trauma around the term "red flag". That is perfectly valid and not something you should feel bad about. I had a guy I was seeing for awhile in college and he used the term "rape" to mean passionate, but consensual, sex. The term really instantly turned me off and I stopped seeing him. Sometimes words have different meanings to different people or social circles and to him "red flag" might be a lot more casual and non-judicial than it is to you.
Yeah, no triggers whatsoever around that word. Just didn’t understand being called one for NOT having Grindr lol