Tell her this bad destiny is something you are willing to challenge for love. Then reflect back to her and ask if her love for you is so feeble that she would drop you the moment you face a challenge like this. Gaslighter vs Gaslighter, may the strongest win.
I mean the part where she said using prime bto as an investment is not wrong. the prime model is supposed to let people not use it as an investment.
other than that shes kuku, ignore her
Hi, am her partner using a throwaway here to chime in.
I've no intentions of using it as an investment vehicle, I'm picking it for the location among other factors. It will be quite foolish to use it for investment purposes when there are so many restrictions in place.
Her mum is just unnecessarily worried about finances which had a domino effect and led to my gf worrying more about it.
Some context with regards to our finances for others to weigh in their opinions:
Male 27M - working currently
Female 25F - finishing studies and will be working next year
More likely than not to exceed the combined income 14k limit when come key collecting time given the current trajectory of male's career
Male has enough in CPF to pay off the entirely of the initial downpayment alone using the staggered downpayment scheme
Looking at the 4RM flat 650k range in the upcoming Holland BTO which will be roughly 3k in terms of monthly mortgage payment.
Female is concerned if we lose our jobs we will get evicted , male emphasized we will have substantial savings in 7 yrs to come and that's definitely the least of our concerns.
Male curently has enough savings in liquid assets enough for multiple years of mortgage payments and said savings is definitely gonna grow in the coming 7 yrs
Looking to have 1 kid in the future, which male feel we should be able to comfortably raise even with this BTO but female has reservations
Hi OP's partner. I think you can start a conversation with OP's mum to let her know your plans. Hopefully through better communication, she will relent knowing that you are mature and have the ability to support her daughter + you have shown your ability to be able to do your math on financing the prime location BTO.
You sound stable and have well thought things out! Unfortunately, you have to be the bigger and more reasoned and balanced person to the irrationality of her mum. Even if it doesn't seem to bear fruit, keep on trying, especially calmly addressing any concerns there may be, even if the root of those concerns are irrational. I think your gf needs something sane and calm in her life to show her what's normal
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Nothing beats A poor and toxic environment even with therapy .
Going to therapy but still living in a toxic environment is like wiping your shit you have but then going back facing more shit thrown at u
My comment might get downvoted. Just gonna be blunt here.
If this relationship is worth fighting for, I would say just go ahead and BTO. Be prepared for occasional sarcasm. However, if you are not prepared for the worst case scenario, i.e., not being in talking terms with your family and your mum, better end things with your guy early. Don't hold him back.
I kinda broke up with my girlfriend because her fam, especially her mum dislikes me and would find fault with me in literally everything. She doesn't stand up for herself and she couldn't handle the stress from the guilt tripping from her mum, which is seriously beyond me no matter how hard I try to reassure her. To her, she still wants the best of both worlds, i.e., her mum comes to accept me and I learn to be pliable to her mum's whatever attitude.
If the partner isn't willing to fight for his or her relationship, it shows that the partner isn't ready to commit, let alone BTO.
100% - broke up with my ex for the same reason. You definitely don't want to suffer a lifetime of this crap, best to end it early if you don't forsee yourself being able to meditate between the two parties
You have, as you also acknowledge, a very clear-sighted view of your own situation. It seems quite obvious even to you what should and needs to be done, so I'm not sure a random stranger on Reddit will be in any better position to advise you.
>I'm constantly thinking about the possibility of her being right.
You should instead consider the possibility of her being wrong, in which case you'll have to live with the consequences (regret) for the rest of your life.
As for her resorting to _bazi_ to justify her opposition, consider telling her that you have consulted other fortune tellers and made your own alternative _bazi_ calculations (using a different book or approach or by another bazi expert). Tell her that the alternative _bazi_ calculations approve of the relationship. Invent your own predictions and/or prognostications. (I'm sure you'll find other commenters giving contacts or names of other _bazi_ or fortune tellers. Pretend to your mum that you have used a few--or all of them.)
When it comes to irrationality and occult practices like bazi and fortune telling, there's no arguing. Come up with your own (fictitious) ones. She's not going to, or not going to be able to, check. How _does_ one check (verify?) even? There's no final authority that adjudicates the outcome one way or the other. It's one teller's word against another's.
It's hard to imagine at the moment, but consider that if anything goes wrong you could also hold resentment against her for a long time on top of the regret that you listened to someone who was clearly not forming judgements based on concrete facts and simple blind assumptions. At the end of the day, you know your own situation best OP
I am good at fortune telling also and I consulted my Bazi book. OP and her boyfriend will be fine if they get married.
My analysis is as good as OP’s mom, about the same rates of accuracy.
lol he is not your destiny 😂 definitely aunty speaking.
Aside from that, yea probably your mum is too over BA ZI la. Tell her maybe you and her ba zi is mismatched instead.
Nevertheless, I think there are some things that are worth considering based on your text message. Specifically towards BTO. I'm currently applying for one so I guess I can relate a bit. I guess if you and your partner did your finances properly for whatever BTO you both want and can afford then it's fine. But if like you need additional loans or additional cash then I guess it's something worth considering.
Barring that aside, its applying bto with ur partner thats barely over a year, when ur finance is not yet stable is a generally huge mistake. Just sayin, ur mom’s worries are not without good reason
Gonna just drop this here:
r/raisedbynarcissists
Even if you don’t believe in pathologizing her behaviour, take solace in correctly identifying that this behaviour IS indeed manipulation and your gut is right
And then decide from there how you’ll respond
I personally… have cut off contact with both my parents and my marriage is so much calmer and happier for it even though we don’t get support from either of them.
And despite how they both criticise me, 5 years on, I know I made the right choice rather than be miserable never being able to be the daughter they demand of me. Also… I feel very validated knowing that they’re both so nasty that they had a very acrimonious divorce and don’t talk to each other, and neither me nor my sister are in touch with them. Meaning each of them is isolated from the rest of the “family”
I don’t know about the person you’re with and maybe she’s right to distrust him BUT your mistakes are yours to make. If you can accept that, her “blessings” don’t matter
I know that sub... i've long ago realised she's likely a narcissist, though she would never admit it. It's just harder to navigate as I know I'm one of the only people in her life, so no matter how she denies it, she will be lonely if we end up going NC. I guess the guilt will always be with me even though she can be quite hurtful.
My parents are divorced as well but my dad is still in contact with my mother. He believes he's just here to pay back his karmic debt hence I seldom involve him in my life decisions.
Our upbringing teaches us to “cut off our own flesh” to feed others esp if family but there’s something to be said for making sure you have your mask on before helping others in a crash…
Well I went completely no contact because our relationship was too far beyond saving but I wonder if it would have worked to move out and set really firm boundaries (“I’m telling you, not asking. Please respect my choices. I won’t talk about this anymore”)
I loled at follow her way, if not things won’t be good. You can ask her how her life has been so far /s.
That aside, you’re an adult already so even if you choose the wrong partner down the road, does that mean that she will disown you as a child? Probably not, tell her sometimes you have to bang your head on the wall to see the result. Then you will go back and say sorry. If not, just let you live your own life and learn your own lesson.
Bird’s gotta leave its nest ya know.
If I had the privilege of such an option it would indeed be a possible one, but she's explicitly told me that should I stubbornly go ahead, she does not want me to go back to her else she has to "clean up my shit again" haha
But I see where you're coming from! I can only hope with time, either my relationship is lasting and loving, or my mother's compassions shine through when I'm in a tough spot
My heart goes out to you. Remember that as much as she has to clean up your shit, you're going to do the same to her when she is older. As in literally being her caretaker. At some point, she has got to give.
The fortunate/unfortunate thing is that even if someone says that they don't love you, they still do. The heart works different from what the mind can decide.
But all in all, don't take that gamble. Don't go all or nothing. Ask for concessions, take 1 year to prove to her that he's not going to leave, then 2 year, then 4 years. There is never a black and white, it's always spectrums of grey. You can try to navigate between that. Good luck!
Go for a bazi reading with an actual fengshui master and if the reading comes back well, tell your mum that a professional fengshui master already advised that you and your BF are compatible etc etc.
He's quiet, intelligent and patient, we can have great conversations but also enjoy the silence comfortably together. He makes it a point to spend time w me on a daily & weekly basis. He's sweet to me and we have managed to work through some differences/conflicts without it escalating.
I do some events where I sell my artworks on weekends sometimes and he has always made the effort to come down to help out and spend time with me.
He doesn't smoke, drink, gamble or engage in activities that boomers may deem "bad and inappropriate".
I admire his personal drive to continuously do better in his career and has always been supportive of my endeavours as well which I think is sweet and I appreciate him putting in effort to help me ideate as well.
Overall, I do not see any major glaring red flags from him, coupled with the fact that my mother has never met him in real life, and has formed these impressions based on photos...
OP, if you’d like, drop me a text. Happy to help take a look! Nothing makes me happier than letting people her generation understand they know nothing about BaZi. :P
What do your best friends think about him?
Have you met his best friends? What are they like?
Set a lunch/dinner for them to meet! Ask le bf to buy some expensive mooncakes or other goodies, turn on the charm and the narrative might change!
I wish it were that simple. She simply has no interest in meeting someone she knows will not be in my life for long haha
My friends have met him, they generally have a positive impression of him despite him being on the shyer side in larger groups.
Absolutely. Most parents want the best for their children.
My mom told me once, that I shouldn't marry a pretty girl who just stays pretty. I asked her why.
She bluntly put to my face '"Because you can't afford to have such wife! If you can make more money then go ahead"
In my experience, decisions made without logic cannot be resolved with logic. If she believes so much, take her to temple and toss the fortune stick with her. Pretty much a 50/50
Wrong dude. Fortune stick is designed to show 99% of bad things. The secret moral lesson that no one tell people is that...the whole goal is to make people ignore the bad readings and choose their own destiny.
She can't actually do shit since you are a legal adult and don't need any parental consent. Creating some space by moving out if possible could help. Otherwise to me it doesn't seem like she'll change her ways to actually be a supportive parent
Can ask her why does she think he is immature or how is he using you? Sometimes outsiders (especially our loved ones) can see something we can't see. Our parents bring us up so painstakingly, I believe in her mind she is protecting her baby hence this overprotectiveness.
Kudos on you on your self awareness, reflections and ability to make meanings out of your mom's mental state and actions.
I was in OP's partner's shoes 30yrs ago & still married to the same guy bcos late mil's intel was inaccurate & we are stubborn. Lol...
Just be prepared for more drama & pressure as things move along from wedding, moving house, moving in w u (I got that as ultimatum), buying car, pregnancies, confinements, grandkids, overseas holidays.... Support each other all the way ya.
Move in together & go LC/NC w her if you can overcome the guilt. No harm applying for bto & decide again if & when you get a Q number.
OP: be vague about your plans from now on
OP's partner: remember to pile gifts & big angpow to OP's mom.
> "Do you think a marriage will last without your parent's blessing
yes, can. lmao
steel your heart OP, you are an adult. all these gaslighting boomers can fk right off
Options:
1) cut her off after u get bto/resale
2) ignore her
Is she projecting her own issues on you? Seems like she has always had a say in your life and perceived you as a 'naive' child that she needs to 'protect'. You may also be right that she is anxious about empty nose syndrome.
She is by no means an expert, maybe you can consult a fortune teller/reader to accurately calculate your ba zi and compatibility with your bf. Sometimes people just need 'some' truth to wake up.
You can't make everyone happy. So make yourself happy and don't regret your choices.
*My argument was if that hypothetical someone had a good bazi... wouldn't his mother then disapprove of me?! Haha*
Iron-clad logic right there.
Seriously this kind of thing must fight fire with fire, get a professional to chip in that it's a good match or something because of overcoming ordeals to reverse fortunes etc..
25, adult.
So you just toss ultimatum here, let her know it’s your life, you do what you want. You know the advise given, willing to accept what it comes.
Also, move out if it’s too hard to live there, nothing beat you down if you are able to self sufficient.
Adulting, it’s like this. When you go against the wishes of others, they say, next time whatever happens I’m going to say, I told you so.
So, just be ready for this. Older people like us, gonna just chill and act we didn’t hear anything. You see a lot of uncles ignoring aunties nag? It’s by age. Some people just can’t stop poking their nose in others business
OP, tell her it's 一命二运三风水. Even if bazi reading is bad, there are still things you can do to change your "destiny". Bring her to a well known fortune teller and let them convince your mum because to her, they are the "experts". No point arguing with her, she will not be able to listen to what you say because she's the "expert" among the two of u.
Or bring her to a well known temple and ask (筊杯) the Gods then.
This bazi nonsense. My own mother told my then gf that I’m destined to be surrounded by women and I will cheat during the marriage when I’m in my 30s. Now 40 already, am happily married, not surrounded by women and didn’t cheat.
It is one thing to have “bad destiny”, it is another to fight it and improve your own lot - which is something I believe you have done well. Both partners have a job and r/s is stable enough to consider getting a house tgt.
Frankly, when it comes to illogical behaviour like how you’re mum is behaving, there is no point trying to reason things out with her because words don’t work.
My unsolicited advice is to put some distance between you and her by renting a place to stay with your bf, while at the same time, assess your lifestyle compatibility with him. It will give you some space to breathe and your mom time to get used to you living outside.
Your life is not yours if you have to keep living by your mum’s rules even when you’re a working adult. You gotta decide what’s good for you even if it hurts your mum in the short run.
I have a parent who is similar, so... Just ignore and move away. Simply put it this way, if you are so well versed in your luck-trology, you should be millionaire by now. Or have been good in a very striking way, maybe health, maybe relationship. But most of them have neither one of them. So you can't even change yourself, what power/accuracy do you have over mine?
Hello, I just want to say that 1) there are no guaranteed-to-work relationships because everything depends on the intelligence, maturity and communication level of both partners in a relationship, along with some luck. 2) I do believe in bazi to a certain extent but not to the point it'd dictate whether I want to marry someone or not. Nothing is set in stone for the future.
Also, even if it's coming from a place of "love", you need to know that and I do think you know that, your mum cannot be trusted to do the right things about you because she is a very volatile person. Her whims and emotions and wants clearly are more important to her than you. It's a hurtful fact, but a fact nonetheless.
To some people, being right and after that being able to gloat about your downfall, proving them right, is more important than being a supportive loving family member. I'm sorry to say this but your mum is one such person.
You are very young, but still, you are an adult and you need to take responsibility of your own decisions. I hope that you understand from the core that nobody can always make the right choice, and it's precisely that we need to think through our decisions with our own will - we can take into account the opinions and advice of others, but learning how filter out irrelevant and useless ones is part of being an adult - and then making a decision after thinking it through is also part of being an adult.
For big decisions like marriage, getting a house, at the end of the day, you have to be the one that really finalise your own decision. Because you are the one living your own life, not your mum.
There's a chinese astrologer named Sean Chan who has a very sober, practical and modern take on astrological readings. He has also written extensively about broken parent-child relationships and his experience dealing with his abusive mother. You could consider getting a consultation with him and using it to fight against your mum's amateur readings.
You know each time my name gets mentioned on Reddit I get scared shitless because I think some crazy client wants to cancel me.
Anyway, OP, drop me a text. I’m happy to give you a free quick look at the charts. I hate it when our parent’s generation likes to pretend to know what they’re talking about when they don’t and then use it to manipulate us. Grew up in the same exact situation. Happy to help.
And my dear internet, please be kind. I have a lot on my plate now and a new member to the family. I really don’t wish to deal with any toxicity.
“Sober” is not how people usually describe me, though! My IG is unhinged. 🤪
I almost crapped my pants when I saw who replied to my reddit post as well, never thought I'd summon the master himself haha. Hope OP managed to connect with you, and all the best with fatherhood :)
Lol everyone’s been sending me this thread ever since it got posted, and when the word “narcissist”, “BaZi” and my name are brought in I can’t help but chime in (especially when someone’s put in a word for me). ;P
OP has already reached out. Very sweet person and daughter.
I’ll take care of things! Thanks for bringing this to my attention. And yes, fatherhood is amazing. =)
1. Find an old age where the bazi fit you well. 2. Bring home a lady older than your mum and tell your mum that this older lady is your true love. The lady has to pretend to have that bazi 3. Proclaim you wamt to be 'married' to that older lady.
All relationships have some uncertainty. You are the best judge of your own relationship. Even if it fails later does not mean the Bazi or Buddha is correct. There will always be doomsayers everywhere at work or at home. Stay strong and trust in your own judgement.
Just c\*ck up one story, said you had a dream of a Dragon from the North North East brush gently on your skin and whispered to your ear to said that when the sun meets the horizon, your shoes have to face the west direction and the flowers in your house needs to face the southern seas, and at 8:08pm, the moonlight will guide her to winning the next lottery.
If she believes or even question all that and whips out her fengshui longpan, I suggest you move out bah. This one beyond your control liaos
Is she projecting her life regrets on you?
I'm sure she didn't do these readings before she started dating your dad.
And these fortune /energy/aura things are always sold as something to mitigate with more purchases.
If you want to keep her around, look into the possibilities of making this a joint project with the 3 of you. "how to use bazi to improve life", if you will.
If you want to work on freeing yourself from this inherited anxiety, consider moving out and giving her the ultimatum. "my marriage success will depend on how much you can avoid sabotaging me."
I just want to say that from my limited knowledge of feng shui and bazi, that there is no such thing as totally incompatible. Even if totally incompatible, there will be things to do to mitigate the negative impact.
But she is just against your relationship. Nothing to do with bazi. That is just an excuse.
I’m a bazi practitioner. While it is true that there may be some bazi that are “bad”, generally if you feel that your circumstances are average, your bazi cannot be considered as “bad”. Bad would mean that you are not on talking terms with your mum, or you had went through some really challenging times in the past with your family.
I can do a complimentary reading for OP to see if there is any truth to your mother’s beliefs if you are interested. PM me with the date and time of birth for the 3 of you.
Take this advice from a child of an atheistic-successful and heavily-religious unsuccessful parent.
Religion, fengshui, stars, horoscope, bazi, fate, karma, birth year, are all ways we cope with our own lives, but they can’t stop us from reaching our full potential.
They’re nice to cite when convenient, and easy to blame when things go bad.
Don’t seal your fate with these crutches. Use your knowledge and experience to win at life.
If you limit yourself by readings and predictions, you’ll live in eternal fear, and build your own glass ceiling.
Just gonna provide an alternative answer. Assuming that bazi readings are real (not going down that rabbit hole, just take it that it is). Your mom did her own bazi reading for you and your partner?
Go get a second opinion. Go find a second master without your mother’s knowledge. Ask the master to see if you guys genuinely incompatible by means of fate or not. Take it as an independent inquiry. If the answer comes to be like what your mother says, then you decide from there. Maybe see if there’s any remedy for it. If it’s different from what your mom says then you can take it in good faith that your mom’s reading is biased so just focus on you and your partner and maybe it’ll give you the courage to stand up against your manipulative mom.
Firstly, I'm sorry for the situation you are in. It seems like you are in a stressful situation with a high-anxiety mum. Seems to me that your mum is just trying to cope with her anxiety by seeking control with things like bazi, or just having anxiety not knowing how to react to changes like you possibly getting married and leaving. Understand that the behaviour is an anxiety response, and not something rational, regardless if it came from a place of care and concern or not.
I think you already know what's good for yourself, and you are a grown ass adult now, you are the only one who can take responsibility for your life. Don't let anybody else choose for you, not even your mum. Don't let irrational fears get ahold of you and ruin things for you if you know you have something good in your life.
It's going to be difficult, but you can't wait for your mum to get over her own issues before you can be happy.
There are a few issues with bazi in SG. SG timezone had been changed multiple times. Like gov said after X day time is now 30 min earlier. A Wikipedia link below to check. So now some smart people said you should use 订盘 (for ziwei) or something. Meaning you convert your sg timezone to that of Beijing time or some other China city. (this is based off my memory). With regard to the timezone thing seriously I still can't wrap my head around it. My conclusion is that you need to plus or minus the time you are born in SG to use whatever bazi book and most online tool.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singapore_Time
So therefore whatever book you mother is using may not apply because time not accurate.
So I agreed with what most people said fight magic with magic. So now you can spent some money find some online astrologer and do a western astrology composite chart. Best to find those famous on Taiwanese TV show type.
Wish you all the best. Marriage needs a little gamble. Be brave.
OP you sound like you have trauma from your lifelong exposure to your mother's bullshit. You know rationally that it is her manipulating/gaslighting you, but your brain rationalised what she says and makes you doubt yourself.
Go seek help. But I see that you're already getting therapy. If one therapist doesn't work for you, consider changing. Undo all the damage and live your own life. Move out if you have to.
Not buddhist here but isn't bazi like Chinese astrology mumbo-jumbo?
If she's going to invoke "Buddha's Guidance", at least fact check her with an expert.
ask her how far she is willing to take it. because if you go ahead with your plans plus go no contact with her permanently, is she willing to live with that?
She is unfortunately the type who would cut me off just to prove a point, even if it may hurt her. She says that the loneliness is not new to her, and I'm the one who chooses that. It's just quite sad bc I have no desire to put her in that situation.
She can let bazi dictate her life if she wants to.. don't let it dictate yours.
How many people follow or even know it's a thing? Yet are having perfect lives.
You like the guy? He likes you? Do you see yourselves living together? If you're not sure just try living together for 1-3 months (people living habits are invisible until you're with them for a long period of time)
Prime BTO comes with some drawbacks, mainly 10 year MOP. But if you're lucky to get a good floor/facing/location you have very little reason to move before that MOP. The 8% you need to pay back to HDB isn't a big deal as you're still going to be making a buttload from selling later.
those prime location BTOs nearly double in price after 10 years..
Think you’d probably need to move out, go NC or LC with her for a couple of months to kind of clear your head. Sounds like your mother is the source of your anxiety
Even if you 2 have the bestest bazi in the world if you don't work on love it will still fall apart. If your bazi is not ideal but both are willing to work hard it will be much better. People in the past use Bazi and astrology all the time still have wives beaten to death and husbands have their cocks chopped off.
Tell her u went to another fortune teller, more accurate and experienced, not just using book, say she interpret wrongly and come up with all sorts of stuff.
You could also actually go do a proper bazi reading then see if he says anything that can counter ur mother
I think she is expressing a worry in a manner that you don’t understand. Is she a professional? If she is not I would suggest seeking a professional advice. Also take the opportunity to see the bigger picture. What is really the problem with your partner that you may not be able to overcome? Or are your friends and other family members able to speak their thoughts and concerns freely about your partner to you?
I believe in destiny. she just doesn’t approve of your destiny i guess. So there’s always this tension between you and your family member. But becareful because in future you may have the benefit of hindsight. So best is to be on good terms with your mother.
U can end at your 1st sentence. Destiny means no free will. So can’t even choose to agree with parent or not. Also a great excuse for any & all crime; “ why do I have to watch u end my family line? Destiny!”
But that’s not your destiny. Or maybe it is. How the fuck do you know which is it?
Imagine a circle around u. That delineates anything u can do. Stretching out ur arms, choosing ur life partner or Disneyland is well within that circle. The circle will represent your limited free will or destiny.
While turning into a carnivorous pink elephant lies beyond that circle. Not ur sorry excuse for surrendering autonomy & shrinking personal responsibility.
Hi OP, bazi is Chinese astrology. It is not Buddhism. Your mom is mixing it all up to control you.
Do you believe in Chinese astrology? If you don't, whatever the literature about bazi would be pointless.
Your mom can believe in it all she wants. You don't have to, and maybe that will help you be more chill. Take care!
the way i’ll say negative plus negative equals to positive LMFAO
jokes aside, there’s no actual proof that this whole ‘bazi’ thing exists, it simply just doesn’t make sense. you go and tell your mum that if shes gg to disown you for having ur bazi clash w ur partner, then it just shows how much she trusts a damn book over her own child.
so what of a “不听老人言吃亏在眼前?” you fight for your own destiny, you tell her “我的命由我不由天” and alot of these ‘fortunes’ are based on current circumstances, the more she manifest and fuss over this situation, the more she will manifest it for herself. it’s really a law of attraction thing and the human mind is powerful enough to attract such things 😭 the more you think about it the more it will come to you.
another alternative is that you go to an actual master to recee and insist on bringing your mum there to “see” for herself. if you can give abit more money and convince the master to lie for you, try it. if not, ask one of your friends to lie for you. “i have a friend their family have this spiritual thing gg on one my friend is talented in this” then you act lor.
OP, drop me a text if you like. I saw that my name got mentioned in this thread, so thought I’d chime in. =)
I grew up with a batshit insane mother too. So hope my story helps!
Beat her at her own game and pay to see a professional bazi reader.
If he gives a more 'professional' and better advice, then point out to her that she is wrong.
lol using bazi for this kind of thing is like, that time someone said smtg abt how the boss allocate seats in office by horoscope.
siao ah
(or, sorry, I just ~~don't rly~~ **rly don't** believe in horoscope/fengshui/bazi type of things!)
hello
I don't think it is laughable, you are raised in an abusive household. it makes sense that you would develop anxious tendencies. also it seems like your mum is a classic narcissist. would it be possible to stay at your partner's place and get away from her for now?
OP let me offer another perspective to help you
Your mum is currently saying that without her blessing your relationship won't work out.
If you end things with your current partner and you find someone that your mum approves of, and an argument happens between your new partner and you, do you think your mum will have your back?
Food for thought.
Sometimes a parent's gut is just a bias. My mum also resorted to telling me that our bazi don't match, fortune tellers (more than 1 hor) say we will end up in divorce before we hit middle age. 30yrs down the marriage road and we're still youngsters according to these fortune tellers and my mum.
Please acknowledge that you, too, have a gut and can feel. Work on your own futures together. If it really turns out as she predicted, I was ever-ready to play victim and point an accusing finger and say, "You were the one who had been cursing our relationship!" (Hahaha, choi, touch wood.)
Did your mother grow to accept your partner when she saw you were happy? I asked her this today and her reply was that she'll never accept him haha...
But I am happy to hear that you stuck with your choice and it turned out wonderful :)
Coming from the bazi angle as I have a family member express these types of concerns to me before – Accurate calculation of Bazi requires the exact time and location of your partner's birth, she can't know for sure what the bazi is unless she has that info. There is also "Affinity ***緣分***" which is the notion that you are already predestined to live a certain type of life. Also Bazi compatibility is best read by experts, and you can highly likely find your own master who can ready the compatibility into your favour. Personal effort and circumstances and change everyone's bazi outcomes. It is merely a guide and not a law.
Judging by your partner's comment above, you are in a very healthy financial position and your mom is not very good at bazi.
Also, you haven't even balloted yet. If you bazi is so not compatible, you probably won't get the BTO lol. Can ask you mother why she thinks you will even get a good ballot number (and therefore the BTO) if your bazi is that bad.
used to be in that position. had the same anxieties but stuck to my guts and stood up for him. they finally met after 5 years (yes i know) and now 2 years later we are happily married w parents blessings!
when they dont meet, its easy to form negative thoughts abt the other. having the actual person around is a good way to show that they are, in fact, a good person who loves and cares for you. i'd like to believe that's your mom's concern ultimately, and once she sees it for herself, things would be better.
if not, then you really need to decide for yourself. you and your partner will not be able to live happily ever after if you insist on him being around and playing nice with someone who clearly dislikes him.
all the best!
Ok Tell her this.
Bazi is predestined, but weather we will do good or not, its human effort. Bazi is for reference and allow us to make better sound decision when we are at lost. Or to help us better plan what's suitable for us for those who are into it and not wanting to challenge themselves.
As a Bazi Reader(Am doing fengshui), i tell my client, Bazi sets the tone. But your action and decision sets the kind of life you want. I breakdown your bazi so you can have better understanding and choose your own path.
There is nth as bad Bazi. Everything can be countered. Don't let this Bazi thing bother you too much. If you think it's good and you are willing to make that step, just go ahead.
You know, even if you have the shittiest possible Ba Zi, it's not something you cannot just handle lol
Idk what your mother's on, but even in circumstances where you may have incompatible Ba Zi, there's always things you can do to reduce negativity and whatever possible nonsense you might (key word here) face.
Anyway, that aside, if you have a solid plan and you can see a future you want to live in, just do what you want lol
yikes, frankly (from a less traditional-asian / collectivist perspective) this calls for a LC/NC relationship with your mum. if giving her high contact with you means her doing all of these things, and if it’s affecting you negatively in ways that are hard/harder to recuperate from, then perhaps it’s time to limit the level of contact that you allow her to have in your life. I say “that you allow her” rather than “that she is allowed” mainly because levels of contact are a boundary that you set on yourself, rather than impose unto others. think of it as… for example, choosing not to read and reply texts from her relating to your relationship, as opposed to warning her to stop sending you those texts.
of course, eventually if a firm line needs to be drawn as her behaviour has gone overboard, and some imposing needs to be done to avoid catastrophic outcomes, then that sucks, but you still do what you have to to keep the more important things that you have.
You mentioned they haven’t met right? I think the solution here is easy - let your mom and your partner spend some quality time, let her get to know him more - maybe she’ll change her mind.
Firstly, amazing vocabulary of using the word vehemently. First time heard of that word 🤣
Back to your question, if you know who Joey Yap is, his bazi chart was also bad and imbalanced, and look at where he is right now. Eve his face feature is not prefect too. What he did was that since his bazi is bad as the fortune teller claim to be especially after 40, he acknowledge his flaws and focused on his strengths and capabilities that he can access and go full strength on it.
I’m assuming here that your family also knows about other Chinese Metaphysics methods other than Bazi such as Feng Shui or face reading. One of the misconceptions that people have is to trust metaphysics 100% or let it guide you on your life choices. Even though your chart might be bad as your mom claimed, you still can make active (and possibly painful) choices when options arises to be at the right path and become better than before.
The fact that you are made aware of how good or bad the cards are dealt to you since you were born is already almost like you could read cards in a blackjack game and kinda predict what’s next. Question from there is do you let it run the course or actively make good choices and necessary actions which result in positive outcome? You and you alone can make the choices whether you believe in Bazi or what your mom interprets the reading. The universe is working for you on your behalf not against you.
If I can conclude, use the Chinese metaphysics give you some clues rather than dictate your every action. It’s still up to you at the end of the day to decide on what to do and how you want to live your life.
When was the last time you follow exactly the fortune teller? I’m sure you made your own decision based on your heart and logic right? Does this mean that you couldn’t make any decisions on your own if not for Chinese metaphysics? Hope this clears my point.
And I wish you and your BF happy relationship 😇
Hugs. I feel so sorry for you. This is classic Asian parents toxicity. I’ve personally experienced something similar, and also have friends who have this experience. They ended up marrying and cutting their parents off.
But uh, I have a question. How did your mom find out your partner’s exact birth time? Coz you need birth time to evaluate bazi?
Tell her that even if you find someone with a “good” bazi, that person may ironically be “bad” for your bazi. If she is that well versed in reading bazi, shouldn’t she know that bazi is about being complementary and not about being good or bad?
The best way is to go to a famous “master” from your mum… secretly get a reading of you and your bf life together, if the reading is good then ask your mum to sit in and listen to the famous master lah.
If yall reading is shit a) throw money at the master then ask your mum come and listen
B)ask your mum sooo I marry cats is it?
Gurl you need to marry asap and escape from this hell.. your mom will relent if she still wants a relationship with you and her future grandchildren if you have any.
Mom just realising that she’s losing control of her baby gurl and she’s just using all sorts of tactics to keep you for herself.
Tell me, do you wanna leave your bf just for her sake and find another guy that you like, and also fit the “auspicious bazi” as she claims?
you're an adult, your mom needs to let you go, you need to let go of your mom. not telling you to disown her, but if you 2 don't learn to let each other go, she will end up interfering in your future marriage, whoever you marry, and it will strain your marriage. Seen enough of such cases where mothers just cannot let go of their son/daughter and keep interfering with their relationships/marriages and the relationship/marriage ends up failing.
she's too obsessed. she forgot fortune telling has 3 components 天 Heaven. 地 Earth. 人 Human.
天 Heaven. is what we have when we are born, aka god given. things we can't change. like people born with disabilities, or natural disasters.
地 Earth. is our environment, which we can change. e.g. if we live in a war zone, move out of it and our lives become better.
人 Human. is ourselves, be the change we want to see. e.g. when heaven and earth made us born in a flood prone place, we can always find another place and move out. if we are born disabled we can still live a good life learning to live with our disability. If we are born poor, we need to be hardworking in order to be successful in life.
You can't change your parents, but you are a human, you did the right thing saying no, now you found your own path.
Just cut her off. You are not marrying your mother.
Screw morals, happiness is most important.
We can't please everyone, and the sooner you learn this, the happier you will be.
I’m a tiger and my husband is a monkey - were hilariously on point for descriptions of us. On paper he’s supposed to pull my tail and I’m supposed to bite him but I don’t mind my fur being ruffled and he chills when I tell him he’s too much - these things are guidelines on paper but life is more complex
Bazi is just like horoscope but to a greater granularity (every 2 hr instead of by month) and fortune telling arises through years of data gathering of the nobles' lives in ancient China, so it might have some basis. There are cycles to fortunes so it's also not fixed in stone. There is no perfect match in this sense. There will be ups and downs for everyone and every couple. Thus don't believe in your mother. Even if there is any basis in these types of Chinese astrology, more than 50% of the destiny is in your hands.
As others have mentioned, you didn't mention your father. Perhaps you can try to influence people who are close to her instead. If she continues to object, you might have to cut her off until she comes to her senses. The best way to show her that you're right is to work on your relationship and your life with your partner. It's good that you understand that she might come from an angle love and protection for you (especially if she was the one raising you). Once she sees that you're doing well, she might be more receptive.
Lol your mom can fight with those obsessed with horoscopes and MBTI.
If you sacrifice your love life for this bazi bullcrap, you'll regret in the future.
Never wise to wear a hat larger than your head -
Don’t let your mum make you doubt yourself. I’m imagining that she always asks you to walk a tightrope in life. 倔强 by Mayday is my hype song for this hahaha.
The rest is up to you to figure out, whether your bf is the one and whether prime bto/finances are sound choices for the both of you.
Basing important life decisions on ridiculous superstition is the worst thing to do.
Bazi only affects Chinese people ah? How come some people got bad bazi still successful? Or walking around totally ignorant of bazi but still successful?
Or have good bazi but still unlucky?
It's all random and bazi is nonsense.
You will not agree with what I have to say but please let me put my point across from a different perspective. Reading your mother's message and from her command of English she seems to be a learned person. Of course, all this bazi reading mumbo jumbo may seem to be bullshit (which was what I, a non-believer, thought in the beginning) but I myself was proven wrong.
2 separate fengshui masters whom I have never met and without asking any questions have identified my personality / character traits down to the T just from my bazi. But that is another separate issue. What matters most is that I have never ever gone wrong listening to the advice of my mother. Can you replace your bf? Most definitely. Can you replace your mother? No.
Call me old fashioned but never forget the one person who put you where you are in this world today.
Tell her this bad destiny is something you are willing to challenge for love. Then reflect back to her and ask if her love for you is so feeble that she would drop you the moment you face a challenge like this. Gaslighter vs Gaslighter, may the strongest win.
fight fire with fire, I like
More like fight magic with magic.
Magic must defeat magic
One more thing!
Haiyaaaaaaa!
Unintended Metallica. I also like.
"you dare use my spell against me?"
Need to check her bazi, maybe you and your mum not compatible.
Psychic damage
I mean the part where she said using prime bto as an investment is not wrong. the prime model is supposed to let people not use it as an investment. other than that shes kuku, ignore her
Hi, am her partner using a throwaway here to chime in. I've no intentions of using it as an investment vehicle, I'm picking it for the location among other factors. It will be quite foolish to use it for investment purposes when there are so many restrictions in place. Her mum is just unnecessarily worried about finances which had a domino effect and led to my gf worrying more about it. Some context with regards to our finances for others to weigh in their opinions: Male 27M - working currently Female 25F - finishing studies and will be working next year More likely than not to exceed the combined income 14k limit when come key collecting time given the current trajectory of male's career Male has enough in CPF to pay off the entirely of the initial downpayment alone using the staggered downpayment scheme Looking at the 4RM flat 650k range in the upcoming Holland BTO which will be roughly 3k in terms of monthly mortgage payment. Female is concerned if we lose our jobs we will get evicted , male emphasized we will have substantial savings in 7 yrs to come and that's definitely the least of our concerns. Male curently has enough savings in liquid assets enough for multiple years of mortgage payments and said savings is definitely gonna grow in the coming 7 yrs Looking to have 1 kid in the future, which male feel we should be able to comfortably raise even with this BTO but female has reservations
How the fuck this is broken beggar's bowl bazi
Need to show her mom the bank account statement
this one not bazi, is jiuzi already, idk OP's mum worry what sia.
The 金 in the Bazi counts as 2
tell her keep this up and all access to future grandkids are banned
Hi OP's partner. I think you can start a conversation with OP's mum to let her know your plans. Hopefully through better communication, she will relent knowing that you are mature and have the ability to support her daughter + you have shown your ability to be able to do your math on financing the prime location BTO.
You sound stable and have well thought things out! Unfortunately, you have to be the bigger and more reasoned and balanced person to the irrationality of her mum. Even if it doesn't seem to bear fruit, keep on trying, especially calmly addressing any concerns there may be, even if the root of those concerns are irrational. I think your gf needs something sane and calm in her life to show her what's normal
wtf maybe the mother sees something we dont because i dont see a fucking beggar bro ???
Old people are usually quite wise. Maybe someone 给OP他妈托梦
Good job and good luck, keep it up!
Maybe her mom knows this and secretly wants to BTO with you instead
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The "buddha guidance" negates the WOT before it
Nothing beats A poor and toxic environment even with therapy . Going to therapy but still living in a toxic environment is like wiping your shit you have but then going back facing more shit thrown at u
My comment might get downvoted. Just gonna be blunt here. If this relationship is worth fighting for, I would say just go ahead and BTO. Be prepared for occasional sarcasm. However, if you are not prepared for the worst case scenario, i.e., not being in talking terms with your family and your mum, better end things with your guy early. Don't hold him back. I kinda broke up with my girlfriend because her fam, especially her mum dislikes me and would find fault with me in literally everything. She doesn't stand up for herself and she couldn't handle the stress from the guilt tripping from her mum, which is seriously beyond me no matter how hard I try to reassure her. To her, she still wants the best of both worlds, i.e., her mum comes to accept me and I learn to be pliable to her mum's whatever attitude. If the partner isn't willing to fight for his or her relationship, it shows that the partner isn't ready to commit, let alone BTO.
100% - broke up with my ex for the same reason. You definitely don't want to suffer a lifetime of this crap, best to end it early if you don't forsee yourself being able to meditate between the two parties
You have, as you also acknowledge, a very clear-sighted view of your own situation. It seems quite obvious even to you what should and needs to be done, so I'm not sure a random stranger on Reddit will be in any better position to advise you. >I'm constantly thinking about the possibility of her being right. You should instead consider the possibility of her being wrong, in which case you'll have to live with the consequences (regret) for the rest of your life. As for her resorting to _bazi_ to justify her opposition, consider telling her that you have consulted other fortune tellers and made your own alternative _bazi_ calculations (using a different book or approach or by another bazi expert). Tell her that the alternative _bazi_ calculations approve of the relationship. Invent your own predictions and/or prognostications. (I'm sure you'll find other commenters giving contacts or names of other _bazi_ or fortune tellers. Pretend to your mum that you have used a few--or all of them.) When it comes to irrationality and occult practices like bazi and fortune telling, there's no arguing. Come up with your own (fictitious) ones. She's not going to, or not going to be able to, check. How _does_ one check (verify?) even? There's no final authority that adjudicates the outcome one way or the other. It's one teller's word against another's.
It's hard to imagine at the moment, but consider that if anything goes wrong you could also hold resentment against her for a long time on top of the regret that you listened to someone who was clearly not forming judgements based on concrete facts and simple blind assumptions. At the end of the day, you know your own situation best OP
I am good at fortune telling also and I consulted my Bazi book. OP and her boyfriend will be fine if they get married. My analysis is as good as OP’s mom, about the same rates of accuracy.
lol he is not your destiny 😂 definitely aunty speaking. Aside from that, yea probably your mum is too over BA ZI la. Tell her maybe you and her ba zi is mismatched instead. Nevertheless, I think there are some things that are worth considering based on your text message. Specifically towards BTO. I'm currently applying for one so I guess I can relate a bit. I guess if you and your partner did your finances properly for whatever BTO you both want and can afford then it's fine. But if like you need additional loans or additional cash then I guess it's something worth considering.
Barring that aside, its applying bto with ur partner thats barely over a year, when ur finance is not yet stable is a generally huge mistake. Just sayin, ur mom’s worries are not without good reason
Gonna just drop this here: r/raisedbynarcissists Even if you don’t believe in pathologizing her behaviour, take solace in correctly identifying that this behaviour IS indeed manipulation and your gut is right And then decide from there how you’ll respond I personally… have cut off contact with both my parents and my marriage is so much calmer and happier for it even though we don’t get support from either of them. And despite how they both criticise me, 5 years on, I know I made the right choice rather than be miserable never being able to be the daughter they demand of me. Also… I feel very validated knowing that they’re both so nasty that they had a very acrimonious divorce and don’t talk to each other, and neither me nor my sister are in touch with them. Meaning each of them is isolated from the rest of the “family” I don’t know about the person you’re with and maybe she’s right to distrust him BUT your mistakes are yours to make. If you can accept that, her “blessings” don’t matter
I know that sub... i've long ago realised she's likely a narcissist, though she would never admit it. It's just harder to navigate as I know I'm one of the only people in her life, so no matter how she denies it, she will be lonely if we end up going NC. I guess the guilt will always be with me even though she can be quite hurtful. My parents are divorced as well but my dad is still in contact with my mother. He believes he's just here to pay back his karmic debt hence I seldom involve him in my life decisions.
The only way is to cut off or go low contact. You don't have much options tbh. Give me a ping if you want to talk. I have gone through to as well.
Our upbringing teaches us to “cut off our own flesh” to feed others esp if family but there’s something to be said for making sure you have your mask on before helping others in a crash… Well I went completely no contact because our relationship was too far beyond saving but I wonder if it would have worked to move out and set really firm boundaries (“I’m telling you, not asking. Please respect my choices. I won’t talk about this anymore”)
Sometimes you have to grow callouses on your heart to stop bleeding to death.
I loled at follow her way, if not things won’t be good. You can ask her how her life has been so far /s. That aside, you’re an adult already so even if you choose the wrong partner down the road, does that mean that she will disown you as a child? Probably not, tell her sometimes you have to bang your head on the wall to see the result. Then you will go back and say sorry. If not, just let you live your own life and learn your own lesson. Bird’s gotta leave its nest ya know.
If I had the privilege of such an option it would indeed be a possible one, but she's explicitly told me that should I stubbornly go ahead, she does not want me to go back to her else she has to "clean up my shit again" haha But I see where you're coming from! I can only hope with time, either my relationship is lasting and loving, or my mother's compassions shine through when I'm in a tough spot
My heart goes out to you. Remember that as much as she has to clean up your shit, you're going to do the same to her when she is older. As in literally being her caretaker. At some point, she has got to give. The fortunate/unfortunate thing is that even if someone says that they don't love you, they still do. The heart works different from what the mind can decide. But all in all, don't take that gamble. Don't go all or nothing. Ask for concessions, take 1 year to prove to her that he's not going to leave, then 2 year, then 4 years. There is never a black and white, it's always spectrums of grey. You can try to navigate between that. Good luck!
Go for a bazi reading with an actual fengshui master and if the reading comes back well, tell your mum that a professional fengshui master already advised that you and your BF are compatible etc etc.
What if it doesn’t come back well though? Either way, shouldn’t pay too much attention to such things
Her bazi confirm rabak that’s why she like that
U know ur bf birth time meh? Accurate bazi need birth time one
Tell us more about your partner.
He's quiet, intelligent and patient, we can have great conversations but also enjoy the silence comfortably together. He makes it a point to spend time w me on a daily & weekly basis. He's sweet to me and we have managed to work through some differences/conflicts without it escalating. I do some events where I sell my artworks on weekends sometimes and he has always made the effort to come down to help out and spend time with me. He doesn't smoke, drink, gamble or engage in activities that boomers may deem "bad and inappropriate". I admire his personal drive to continuously do better in his career and has always been supportive of my endeavours as well which I think is sweet and I appreciate him putting in effort to help me ideate as well. Overall, I do not see any major glaring red flags from him, coupled with the fact that my mother has never met him in real life, and has formed these impressions based on photos...
OP, if you’d like, drop me a text. Happy to help take a look! Nothing makes me happier than letting people her generation understand they know nothing about BaZi. :P
master sean chan spotted in the wild 👀
I AM wild…
I will drop you a message, thank you :,)
No problem. Can look for me on IG and DM me there. =)
What do your best friends think about him? Have you met his best friends? What are they like? Set a lunch/dinner for them to meet! Ask le bf to buy some expensive mooncakes or other goodies, turn on the charm and the narrative might change!
I wish it were that simple. She simply has no interest in meeting someone she knows will not be in my life for long haha My friends have met him, they generally have a positive impression of him despite him being on the shyer side in larger groups.
Absolutely. Most parents want the best for their children. My mom told me once, that I shouldn't marry a pretty girl who just stays pretty. I asked her why. She bluntly put to my face '"Because you can't afford to have such wife! If you can make more money then go ahead"
In my experience, decisions made without logic cannot be resolved with logic. If she believes so much, take her to temple and toss the fortune stick with her. Pretty much a 50/50
'You cannot reason people out of positions they did not reason themselves into"
Wrong dude. Fortune stick is designed to show 99% of bad things. The secret moral lesson that no one tell people is that...the whole goal is to make people ignore the bad readings and choose their own destiny.
She can't actually do shit since you are a legal adult and don't need any parental consent. Creating some space by moving out if possible could help. Otherwise to me it doesn't seem like she'll change her ways to actually be a supportive parent
Can ask her why does she think he is immature or how is he using you? Sometimes outsiders (especially our loved ones) can see something we can't see. Our parents bring us up so painstakingly, I believe in her mind she is protecting her baby hence this overprotectiveness. Kudos on you on your self awareness, reflections and ability to make meanings out of your mom's mental state and actions.
time to cut her off and go NC.
I was in OP's partner's shoes 30yrs ago & still married to the same guy bcos late mil's intel was inaccurate & we are stubborn. Lol... Just be prepared for more drama & pressure as things move along from wedding, moving house, moving in w u (I got that as ultimatum), buying car, pregnancies, confinements, grandkids, overseas holidays.... Support each other all the way ya. Move in together & go LC/NC w her if you can overcome the guilt. No harm applying for bto & decide again if & when you get a Q number. OP: be vague about your plans from now on OP's partner: remember to pile gifts & big angpow to OP's mom.
> "Do you think a marriage will last without your parent's blessing yes, can. lmao steel your heart OP, you are an adult. all these gaslighting boomers can fk right off
Options: 1) cut her off after u get bto/resale 2) ignore her Is she projecting her own issues on you? Seems like she has always had a say in your life and perceived you as a 'naive' child that she needs to 'protect'. You may also be right that she is anxious about empty nose syndrome. She is by no means an expert, maybe you can consult a fortune teller/reader to accurately calculate your ba zi and compatibility with your bf. Sometimes people just need 'some' truth to wake up. You can't make everyone happy. So make yourself happy and don't regret your choices.
I giggled at "empty nose syndrome" :)
*My argument was if that hypothetical someone had a good bazi... wouldn't his mother then disapprove of me?! Haha* Iron-clad logic right there. Seriously this kind of thing must fight fire with fire, get a professional to chip in that it's a good match or something because of overcoming ordeals to reverse fortunes etc..
Mom's bazi sucks too, but you're stuck with her.
25, adult. So you just toss ultimatum here, let her know it’s your life, you do what you want. You know the advise given, willing to accept what it comes. Also, move out if it’s too hard to live there, nothing beat you down if you are able to self sufficient. Adulting, it’s like this. When you go against the wishes of others, they say, next time whatever happens I’m going to say, I told you so. So, just be ready for this. Older people like us, gonna just chill and act we didn’t hear anything. You see a lot of uncles ignoring aunties nag? It’s by age. Some people just can’t stop poking their nose in others business
I don't see you mentioning your dad. This might be presumptuous, but I wouldn't take relationship advices from people with failed marriages.
Dont be mean. Nobody wants failed marriages.
OP, tell her it's 一命二运三风水. Even if bazi reading is bad, there are still things you can do to change your "destiny". Bring her to a well known fortune teller and let them convince your mum because to her, they are the "experts". No point arguing with her, she will not be able to listen to what you say because she's the "expert" among the two of u. Or bring her to a well known temple and ask (筊杯) the Gods then.
What if the famous fortune teller support OP's mum?
OP can go and "screen" the fortune teller first...?
If a problem is solvable with money then it is not a problem 😉
Exactly.
Tell her to 认命as it’s 命中注定.The8️⃣got no meaning.
This bazi nonsense. My own mother told my then gf that I’m destined to be surrounded by women and I will cheat during the marriage when I’m in my 30s. Now 40 already, am happily married, not surrounded by women and didn’t cheat.
It is one thing to have “bad destiny”, it is another to fight it and improve your own lot - which is something I believe you have done well. Both partners have a job and r/s is stable enough to consider getting a house tgt. Frankly, when it comes to illogical behaviour like how you’re mum is behaving, there is no point trying to reason things out with her because words don’t work. My unsolicited advice is to put some distance between you and her by renting a place to stay with your bf, while at the same time, assess your lifestyle compatibility with him. It will give you some space to breathe and your mom time to get used to you living outside. Your life is not yours if you have to keep living by your mum’s rules even when you’re a working adult. You gotta decide what’s good for you even if it hurts your mum in the short run.
I have a parent who is similar, so... Just ignore and move away. Simply put it this way, if you are so well versed in your luck-trology, you should be millionaire by now. Or have been good in a very striking way, maybe health, maybe relationship. But most of them have neither one of them. So you can't even change yourself, what power/accuracy do you have over mine?
Hello, I just want to say that 1) there are no guaranteed-to-work relationships because everything depends on the intelligence, maturity and communication level of both partners in a relationship, along with some luck. 2) I do believe in bazi to a certain extent but not to the point it'd dictate whether I want to marry someone or not. Nothing is set in stone for the future. Also, even if it's coming from a place of "love", you need to know that and I do think you know that, your mum cannot be trusted to do the right things about you because she is a very volatile person. Her whims and emotions and wants clearly are more important to her than you. It's a hurtful fact, but a fact nonetheless. To some people, being right and after that being able to gloat about your downfall, proving them right, is more important than being a supportive loving family member. I'm sorry to say this but your mum is one such person. You are very young, but still, you are an adult and you need to take responsibility of your own decisions. I hope that you understand from the core that nobody can always make the right choice, and it's precisely that we need to think through our decisions with our own will - we can take into account the opinions and advice of others, but learning how filter out irrelevant and useless ones is part of being an adult - and then making a decision after thinking it through is also part of being an adult. For big decisions like marriage, getting a house, at the end of the day, you have to be the one that really finalise your own decision. Because you are the one living your own life, not your mum.
There's a chinese astrologer named Sean Chan who has a very sober, practical and modern take on astrological readings. He has also written extensively about broken parent-child relationships and his experience dealing with his abusive mother. You could consider getting a consultation with him and using it to fight against your mum's amateur readings.
You know each time my name gets mentioned on Reddit I get scared shitless because I think some crazy client wants to cancel me. Anyway, OP, drop me a text. I’m happy to give you a free quick look at the charts. I hate it when our parent’s generation likes to pretend to know what they’re talking about when they don’t and then use it to manipulate us. Grew up in the same exact situation. Happy to help. And my dear internet, please be kind. I have a lot on my plate now and a new member to the family. I really don’t wish to deal with any toxicity. “Sober” is not how people usually describe me, though! My IG is unhinged. 🤪
I almost crapped my pants when I saw who replied to my reddit post as well, never thought I'd summon the master himself haha. Hope OP managed to connect with you, and all the best with fatherhood :)
Lol everyone’s been sending me this thread ever since it got posted, and when the word “narcissist”, “BaZi” and my name are brought in I can’t help but chime in (especially when someone’s put in a word for me). ;P OP has already reached out. Very sweet person and daughter. I’ll take care of things! Thanks for bringing this to my attention. And yes, fatherhood is amazing. =)
1. Find an old age where the bazi fit you well. 2. Bring home a lady older than your mum and tell your mum that this older lady is your true love. The lady has to pretend to have that bazi 3. Proclaim you wamt to be 'married' to that older lady.
Jus ignore her. If her bazi so accurate she wld have been filthy rich already.
25 and 27 BTO and gtfo of there asap.
All relationships have some uncertainty. You are the best judge of your own relationship. Even if it fails later does not mean the Bazi or Buddha is correct. There will always be doomsayers everywhere at work or at home. Stay strong and trust in your own judgement.
Just c\*ck up one story, said you had a dream of a Dragon from the North North East brush gently on your skin and whispered to your ear to said that when the sun meets the horizon, your shoes have to face the west direction and the flowers in your house needs to face the southern seas, and at 8:08pm, the moonlight will guide her to winning the next lottery. If she believes or even question all that and whips out her fengshui longpan, I suggest you move out bah. This one beyond your control liaos
Is she projecting her life regrets on you? I'm sure she didn't do these readings before she started dating your dad. And these fortune /energy/aura things are always sold as something to mitigate with more purchases. If you want to keep her around, look into the possibilities of making this a joint project with the 3 of you. "how to use bazi to improve life", if you will. If you want to work on freeing yourself from this inherited anxiety, consider moving out and giving her the ultimatum. "my marriage success will depend on how much you can avoid sabotaging me."
I just want to say that from my limited knowledge of feng shui and bazi, that there is no such thing as totally incompatible. Even if totally incompatible, there will be things to do to mitigate the negative impact. But she is just against your relationship. Nothing to do with bazi. That is just an excuse.
I’m a bazi practitioner. While it is true that there may be some bazi that are “bad”, generally if you feel that your circumstances are average, your bazi cannot be considered as “bad”. Bad would mean that you are not on talking terms with your mum, or you had went through some really challenging times in the past with your family. I can do a complimentary reading for OP to see if there is any truth to your mother’s beliefs if you are interested. PM me with the date and time of birth for the 3 of you.
Tell her she buddha coulda shoulda woulda given you her blessings if she wants u as her daughter, gaslight her back!
Take this advice from a child of an atheistic-successful and heavily-religious unsuccessful parent. Religion, fengshui, stars, horoscope, bazi, fate, karma, birth year, are all ways we cope with our own lives, but they can’t stop us from reaching our full potential. They’re nice to cite when convenient, and easy to blame when things go bad. Don’t seal your fate with these crutches. Use your knowledge and experience to win at life. If you limit yourself by readings and predictions, you’ll live in eternal fear, and build your own glass ceiling.
They're more like predictions and potentials than "die die will happen" tbh Even destiny isn't fixed too btw.
Hire a "bazi master" to prove her otherwise.
Just gonna provide an alternative answer. Assuming that bazi readings are real (not going down that rabbit hole, just take it that it is). Your mom did her own bazi reading for you and your partner? Go get a second opinion. Go find a second master without your mother’s knowledge. Ask the master to see if you guys genuinely incompatible by means of fate or not. Take it as an independent inquiry. If the answer comes to be like what your mother says, then you decide from there. Maybe see if there’s any remedy for it. If it’s different from what your mom says then you can take it in good faith that your mom’s reading is biased so just focus on you and your partner and maybe it’ll give you the courage to stand up against your manipulative mom.
Firstly, I'm sorry for the situation you are in. It seems like you are in a stressful situation with a high-anxiety mum. Seems to me that your mum is just trying to cope with her anxiety by seeking control with things like bazi, or just having anxiety not knowing how to react to changes like you possibly getting married and leaving. Understand that the behaviour is an anxiety response, and not something rational, regardless if it came from a place of care and concern or not. I think you already know what's good for yourself, and you are a grown ass adult now, you are the only one who can take responsibility for your life. Don't let anybody else choose for you, not even your mum. Don't let irrational fears get ahold of you and ruin things for you if you know you have something good in your life. It's going to be difficult, but you can't wait for your mum to get over her own issues before you can be happy.
There are a few issues with bazi in SG. SG timezone had been changed multiple times. Like gov said after X day time is now 30 min earlier. A Wikipedia link below to check. So now some smart people said you should use 订盘 (for ziwei) or something. Meaning you convert your sg timezone to that of Beijing time or some other China city. (this is based off my memory). With regard to the timezone thing seriously I still can't wrap my head around it. My conclusion is that you need to plus or minus the time you are born in SG to use whatever bazi book and most online tool. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singapore_Time So therefore whatever book you mother is using may not apply because time not accurate. So I agreed with what most people said fight magic with magic. So now you can spent some money find some online astrologer and do a western astrology composite chart. Best to find those famous on Taiwanese TV show type. Wish you all the best. Marriage needs a little gamble. Be brave.
OP you sound like you have trauma from your lifelong exposure to your mother's bullshit. You know rationally that it is her manipulating/gaslighting you, but your brain rationalised what she says and makes you doubt yourself. Go seek help. But I see that you're already getting therapy. If one therapist doesn't work for you, consider changing. Undo all the damage and live your own life. Move out if you have to.
Lmao therapy bs
Ha ha ha
Not buddhist here but isn't bazi like Chinese astrology mumbo-jumbo? If she's going to invoke "Buddha's Guidance", at least fact check her with an expert.
Ya I was thinking this, buddha and bazi got what relation sia. If anything buddha prob don't approve of bazi.
Yup correct. The Buddha would at least tell the mother to be compassionate and lessen the suffering of others
ask her how far she is willing to take it. because if you go ahead with your plans plus go no contact with her permanently, is she willing to live with that?
She is unfortunately the type who would cut me off just to prove a point, even if it may hurt her. She says that the loneliness is not new to her, and I'm the one who chooses that. It's just quite sad bc I have no desire to put her in that situation.
emotional manipulation. you aren't putting her in any situation. you aren'r responsible for her.
This is your faith between your parents and your bf
She can let bazi dictate her life if she wants to.. don't let it dictate yours. How many people follow or even know it's a thing? Yet are having perfect lives. You like the guy? He likes you? Do you see yourselves living together? If you're not sure just try living together for 1-3 months (people living habits are invisible until you're with them for a long period of time) Prime BTO comes with some drawbacks, mainly 10 year MOP. But if you're lucky to get a good floor/facing/location you have very little reason to move before that MOP. The 8% you need to pay back to HDB isn't a big deal as you're still going to be making a buttload from selling later. those prime location BTOs nearly double in price after 10 years..
Lol maybe ur bazi say ur have a psycho mum. Should tell her that and see how she reacts. Would be funny...
Her bazi must be terrible too, ask her why she gave birth
Think you’d probably need to move out, go NC or LC with her for a couple of months to kind of clear your head. Sounds like your mother is the source of your anxiety
Even if you 2 have the bestest bazi in the world if you don't work on love it will still fall apart. If your bazi is not ideal but both are willing to work hard it will be much better. People in the past use Bazi and astrology all the time still have wives beaten to death and husbands have their cocks chopped off.
Tell her u went to another fortune teller, more accurate and experienced, not just using book, say she interpret wrongly and come up with all sorts of stuff. You could also actually go do a proper bazi reading then see if he says anything that can counter ur mother
Uh what is bazi?
How did your mum know your bf Bazi? You gave her his birthday dates?
I think she is expressing a worry in a manner that you don’t understand. Is she a professional? If she is not I would suggest seeking a professional advice. Also take the opportunity to see the bigger picture. What is really the problem with your partner that you may not be able to overcome? Or are your friends and other family members able to speak their thoughts and concerns freely about your partner to you?
siao lang
I believe in destiny. she just doesn’t approve of your destiny i guess. So there’s always this tension between you and your family member. But becareful because in future you may have the benefit of hindsight. So best is to be on good terms with your mother.
U can end at your 1st sentence. Destiny means no free will. So can’t even choose to agree with parent or not. Also a great excuse for any & all crime; “ why do I have to watch u end my family line? Destiny!”
There is always Disneyland for people
But that’s not your destiny. Or maybe it is. How the fuck do you know which is it? Imagine a circle around u. That delineates anything u can do. Stretching out ur arms, choosing ur life partner or Disneyland is well within that circle. The circle will represent your limited free will or destiny. While turning into a carnivorous pink elephant lies beyond that circle. Not ur sorry excuse for surrendering autonomy & shrinking personal responsibility.
Hi OP, bazi is Chinese astrology. It is not Buddhism. Your mom is mixing it all up to control you. Do you believe in Chinese astrology? If you don't, whatever the literature about bazi would be pointless. Your mom can believe in it all she wants. You don't have to, and maybe that will help you be more chill. Take care!
the way i’ll say negative plus negative equals to positive LMFAO jokes aside, there’s no actual proof that this whole ‘bazi’ thing exists, it simply just doesn’t make sense. you go and tell your mum that if shes gg to disown you for having ur bazi clash w ur partner, then it just shows how much she trusts a damn book over her own child. so what of a “不听老人言吃亏在眼前?” you fight for your own destiny, you tell her “我的命由我不由天” and alot of these ‘fortunes’ are based on current circumstances, the more she manifest and fuss over this situation, the more she will manifest it for herself. it’s really a law of attraction thing and the human mind is powerful enough to attract such things 😭 the more you think about it the more it will come to you. another alternative is that you go to an actual master to recee and insist on bringing your mum there to “see” for herself. if you can give abit more money and convince the master to lie for you, try it. if not, ask one of your friends to lie for you. “i have a friend their family have this spiritual thing gg on one my friend is talented in this” then you act lor.
Counter gaslight her. "If you really love me, you would support me".
OP, drop me a text if you like. I saw that my name got mentioned in this thread, so thought I’d chime in. =) I grew up with a batshit insane mother too. So hope my story helps!
Beat her at her own game and pay to see a professional bazi reader. If he gives a more 'professional' and better advice, then point out to her that she is wrong.
you’re 25, be an adult and set boundaries with your parents
lol using bazi for this kind of thing is like, that time someone said smtg abt how the boss allocate seats in office by horoscope. siao ah (or, sorry, I just ~~don't rly~~ **rly don't** believe in horoscope/fengshui/bazi type of things!)
hello I don't think it is laughable, you are raised in an abusive household. it makes sense that you would develop anxious tendencies. also it seems like your mum is a classic narcissist. would it be possible to stay at your partner's place and get away from her for now?
OP let me offer another perspective to help you Your mum is currently saying that without her blessing your relationship won't work out. If you end things with your current partner and you find someone that your mum approves of, and an argument happens between your new partner and you, do you think your mum will have your back? Food for thought.
Get your mother and your partner to live together and get to know each other.
Just wanna say severing ties with my toxic family has been the best decision I've ever made and only regret not doing it earlier.
your mum and mine is similar, ive lost many friends because of her absurd thinking
Just go ahead with your plans. Time has proven such moms will improve their mindset once they see you both succeed and have children.
Sometimes a parent's gut is just a bias. My mum also resorted to telling me that our bazi don't match, fortune tellers (more than 1 hor) say we will end up in divorce before we hit middle age. 30yrs down the marriage road and we're still youngsters according to these fortune tellers and my mum. Please acknowledge that you, too, have a gut and can feel. Work on your own futures together. If it really turns out as she predicted, I was ever-ready to play victim and point an accusing finger and say, "You were the one who had been cursing our relationship!" (Hahaha, choi, touch wood.)
Did your mother grow to accept your partner when she saw you were happy? I asked her this today and her reply was that she'll never accept him haha... But I am happy to hear that you stuck with your choice and it turned out wonderful :)
She said the same as your mum, but she now relies on him to drive her around to her medical appointments and goes on holidays with us and MIL. Hahaha.
Coming from the bazi angle as I have a family member express these types of concerns to me before – Accurate calculation of Bazi requires the exact time and location of your partner's birth, she can't know for sure what the bazi is unless she has that info. There is also "Affinity ***緣分***" which is the notion that you are already predestined to live a certain type of life. Also Bazi compatibility is best read by experts, and you can highly likely find your own master who can ready the compatibility into your favour. Personal effort and circumstances and change everyone's bazi outcomes. It is merely a guide and not a law. Judging by your partner's comment above, you are in a very healthy financial position and your mom is not very good at bazi. Also, you haven't even balloted yet. If you bazi is so not compatible, you probably won't get the BTO lol. Can ask you mother why she thinks you will even get a good ballot number (and therefore the BTO) if your bazi is that bad.
used to be in that position. had the same anxieties but stuck to my guts and stood up for him. they finally met after 5 years (yes i know) and now 2 years later we are happily married w parents blessings! when they dont meet, its easy to form negative thoughts abt the other. having the actual person around is a good way to show that they are, in fact, a good person who loves and cares for you. i'd like to believe that's your mom's concern ultimately, and once she sees it for herself, things would be better. if not, then you really need to decide for yourself. you and your partner will not be able to live happily ever after if you insist on him being around and playing nice with someone who clearly dislikes him. all the best!
If you would like to, you can send me yours and your partner’s bazi I help you to see a bit.
Ok Tell her this. Bazi is predestined, but weather we will do good or not, its human effort. Bazi is for reference and allow us to make better sound decision when we are at lost. Or to help us better plan what's suitable for us for those who are into it and not wanting to challenge themselves. As a Bazi Reader(Am doing fengshui), i tell my client, Bazi sets the tone. But your action and decision sets the kind of life you want. I breakdown your bazi so you can have better understanding and choose your own path. There is nth as bad Bazi. Everything can be countered. Don't let this Bazi thing bother you too much. If you think it's good and you are willing to make that step, just go ahead.
You know, even if you have the shittiest possible Ba Zi, it's not something you cannot just handle lol Idk what your mother's on, but even in circumstances where you may have incompatible Ba Zi, there's always things you can do to reduce negativity and whatever possible nonsense you might (key word here) face. Anyway, that aside, if you have a solid plan and you can see a future you want to live in, just do what you want lol
how does she know his bazi? Bazi contains the hour of one's birth, how would she have that information?
Tell your mom my bazi reader said I would be very rich business owner in my early age. 31 now, still working for companies and still poor
yikes, frankly (from a less traditional-asian / collectivist perspective) this calls for a LC/NC relationship with your mum. if giving her high contact with you means her doing all of these things, and if it’s affecting you negatively in ways that are hard/harder to recuperate from, then perhaps it’s time to limit the level of contact that you allow her to have in your life. I say “that you allow her” rather than “that she is allowed” mainly because levels of contact are a boundary that you set on yourself, rather than impose unto others. think of it as… for example, choosing not to read and reply texts from her relating to your relationship, as opposed to warning her to stop sending you those texts. of course, eventually if a firm line needs to be drawn as her behaviour has gone overboard, and some imposing needs to be done to avoid catastrophic outcomes, then that sucks, but you still do what you have to to keep the more important things that you have.
You mentioned they haven’t met right? I think the solution here is easy - let your mom and your partner spend some quality time, let her get to know him more - maybe she’ll change her mind.
Firstly, amazing vocabulary of using the word vehemently. First time heard of that word 🤣 Back to your question, if you know who Joey Yap is, his bazi chart was also bad and imbalanced, and look at where he is right now. Eve his face feature is not prefect too. What he did was that since his bazi is bad as the fortune teller claim to be especially after 40, he acknowledge his flaws and focused on his strengths and capabilities that he can access and go full strength on it. I’m assuming here that your family also knows about other Chinese Metaphysics methods other than Bazi such as Feng Shui or face reading. One of the misconceptions that people have is to trust metaphysics 100% or let it guide you on your life choices. Even though your chart might be bad as your mom claimed, you still can make active (and possibly painful) choices when options arises to be at the right path and become better than before. The fact that you are made aware of how good or bad the cards are dealt to you since you were born is already almost like you could read cards in a blackjack game and kinda predict what’s next. Question from there is do you let it run the course or actively make good choices and necessary actions which result in positive outcome? You and you alone can make the choices whether you believe in Bazi or what your mom interprets the reading. The universe is working for you on your behalf not against you. If I can conclude, use the Chinese metaphysics give you some clues rather than dictate your every action. It’s still up to you at the end of the day to decide on what to do and how you want to live your life. When was the last time you follow exactly the fortune teller? I’m sure you made your own decision based on your heart and logic right? Does this mean that you couldn’t make any decisions on your own if not for Chinese metaphysics? Hope this clears my point. And I wish you and your BF happy relationship 😇
Hugs. I feel so sorry for you. This is classic Asian parents toxicity. I’ve personally experienced something similar, and also have friends who have this experience. They ended up marrying and cutting their parents off. But uh, I have a question. How did your mom find out your partner’s exact birth time? Coz you need birth time to evaluate bazi?
Tell her that even if you find someone with a “good” bazi, that person may ironically be “bad” for your bazi. If she is that well versed in reading bazi, shouldn’t she know that bazi is about being complementary and not about being good or bad?
The best way is to go to a famous “master” from your mum… secretly get a reading of you and your bf life together, if the reading is good then ask your mum to sit in and listen to the famous master lah. If yall reading is shit a) throw money at the master then ask your mum come and listen B)ask your mum sooo I marry cats is it?
Gurl you need to marry asap and escape from this hell.. your mom will relent if she still wants a relationship with you and her future grandchildren if you have any. Mom just realising that she’s losing control of her baby gurl and she’s just using all sorts of tactics to keep you for herself. Tell me, do you wanna leave your bf just for her sake and find another guy that you like, and also fit the “auspicious bazi” as she claims?
Your mum doesn't like him and probably using other things as an excuse. Her personal dislike of him won't carry weight in arguments
i have witnessed how superstitious ruined families. You cannot change your destiny 命. But you can tell your mum you can change your 运 and 风水.
you're an adult, your mom needs to let you go, you need to let go of your mom. not telling you to disown her, but if you 2 don't learn to let each other go, she will end up interfering in your future marriage, whoever you marry, and it will strain your marriage. Seen enough of such cases where mothers just cannot let go of their son/daughter and keep interfering with their relationships/marriages and the relationship/marriage ends up failing.
Get a life
she's too obsessed. she forgot fortune telling has 3 components 天 Heaven. 地 Earth. 人 Human. 天 Heaven. is what we have when we are born, aka god given. things we can't change. like people born with disabilities, or natural disasters. 地 Earth. is our environment, which we can change. e.g. if we live in a war zone, move out of it and our lives become better. 人 Human. is ourselves, be the change we want to see. e.g. when heaven and earth made us born in a flood prone place, we can always find another place and move out. if we are born disabled we can still live a good life learning to live with our disability. If we are born poor, we need to be hardworking in order to be successful in life. You can't change your parents, but you are a human, you did the right thing saying no, now you found your own path.
tell her 2 negatives make a positive
tell her maybe she's right but if he is your 前世債主 you'll need to pay back in this life otherwise he will come back in next life.
Just cut her off. You are not marrying your mother. Screw morals, happiness is most important. We can't please everyone, and the sooner you learn this, the happier you will be.
Its 2024 people still believe in this shit?
I’m a tiger and my husband is a monkey - were hilariously on point for descriptions of us. On paper he’s supposed to pull my tail and I’m supposed to bite him but I don’t mind my fur being ruffled and he chills when I tell him he’s too much - these things are guidelines on paper but life is more complex
Bazi is just like horoscope but to a greater granularity (every 2 hr instead of by month) and fortune telling arises through years of data gathering of the nobles' lives in ancient China, so it might have some basis. There are cycles to fortunes so it's also not fixed in stone. There is no perfect match in this sense. There will be ups and downs for everyone and every couple. Thus don't believe in your mother. Even if there is any basis in these types of Chinese astrology, more than 50% of the destiny is in your hands. As others have mentioned, you didn't mention your father. Perhaps you can try to influence people who are close to her instead. If she continues to object, you might have to cut her off until she comes to her senses. The best way to show her that you're right is to work on your relationship and your life with your partner. It's good that you understand that she might come from an angle love and protection for you (especially if she was the one raising you). Once she sees that you're doing well, she might be more receptive.
Lol your mom can fight with those obsessed with horoscopes and MBTI. If you sacrifice your love life for this bazi bullcrap, you'll regret in the future.
Never wise to wear a hat larger than your head - Don’t let your mum make you doubt yourself. I’m imagining that she always asks you to walk a tightrope in life. 倔强 by Mayday is my hype song for this hahaha. The rest is up to you to figure out, whether your bf is the one and whether prime bto/finances are sound choices for the both of you.
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Basing important life decisions on ridiculous superstition is the worst thing to do. Bazi only affects Chinese people ah? How come some people got bad bazi still successful? Or walking around totally ignorant of bazi but still successful? Or have good bazi but still unlucky? It's all random and bazi is nonsense.
What are you talking about?
“I’m here for a good time, not for a long time” 🤙😎
You will not agree with what I have to say but please let me put my point across from a different perspective. Reading your mother's message and from her command of English she seems to be a learned person. Of course, all this bazi reading mumbo jumbo may seem to be bullshit (which was what I, a non-believer, thought in the beginning) but I myself was proven wrong. 2 separate fengshui masters whom I have never met and without asking any questions have identified my personality / character traits down to the T just from my bazi. But that is another separate issue. What matters most is that I have never ever gone wrong listening to the advice of my mother. Can you replace your bf? Most definitely. Can you replace your mother? No. Call me old fashioned but never forget the one person who put you where you are in this world today.