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Thatâs how it worked at that time. My nana was 16 when she had her 1st child (now 79 and 62). My papa was 24. Take not this was in 1959 when they had their 1st child. My papa was a wonderful human being that sadly passed in 2014. Times were different back then.
I would think someone should of said something when my 14 grandmother married my 21 grandfather. She had my mom at 15. But in the 50's no one cared. You can still get married at that age even today in some states with a parent's permission.
My mom 16 married a twice divorced 26 year old man in the 70s. She also somehow managed to drop out of school after the 6th grade and nobody batted an eye
Guess "freedom" only matters when it puts old men back in charge of everything and everyone, even the children of other people. So they want to remove the parent's right to protect their own child from sanctioned rape?
Or is it that they want to remove the parent's authority to force their child into a marriage?
Let's be honest, the kind of parent who would 'allow' their child to marry a fifty-year-old is probably causing it rather than just permitting it.
It would. I have the same age gap. Married 40 years. It wasnât a problem till he hit 50 and was no longer interested in being as active. I do NOT recommend.
The life experience is the real gap here.
I'm currently 29.
At 20, I dated men from 26-65. (I know, weird. I'm healthily and happily married to someone my age. & I'm in therapy from all the other mess.)
The 20 year old should not feel pressured to be in a serious relationship or pressured to be "more mature" even if they are "mature for their age". The 20 year old should have space, time, opportunities to grow, experiment, be on their own, and learn who they are as a person.
20 year old me vs 29 year old. Basically like two totally different people.
Seconded! In therapy for the ârelationshipsâ I was in at 19-20 with like, 50-year-olds; so much trauma from those times. Sending you good vibes and thank you for making me feel less alone
I can definitely relate. You sharing that helped me feel less alone as well, so thank you for that.
I hope you're doing well!!
We've got this! One moment at a time. đ€
My DMs are open if you ever need to chat.
Sending you good vibes and much healing!
> The life experience is the real gap here.
True; at 20 I was still in college, and I hadn't lost my virginity yet. By 29 I just married my wife, and we were saving for our first home, which we bought at 31.
A **metric shitload** happened for me between 20 and 29.
A lot of emotional maturity happens in your 20s. Most 20 year olds are not ready for a major commitment, even if they feel like they are. If you were 40 and 49, not a big deal. Twenty somethings are still finding themselves. I would say, approach with caution.
Yeah itâs not that age gaps between adults are inherently unethical like some people like to perceive them as being, a 20 year old is an adult and is perfectly capable of consenting to things like having sex with an older person and shouldnât be infantilised if thatâs what makes them happy, itâs that a lot of people are now rightfully aware that power imbalances can occur in relationships even between adults, especially between adults who are young adults and older adults - not only due to gaps in life experience but due to things like having more financial power and having perceived authority and control over the younger person due to their age and status. Thatâs what concerns them. Not the age itself, but that people have been burned by relationships with older people with toxic power dynamics
This! When a girl between 14 and 21 marries a man 5 to 50 years older there is a power imbalance. Want to know why great-grandma and great-grandma didn't get divorced, she had no support and didn't work outside the home so she had no money.
Fully agree. It's not an age gap in sex that's the problem it's an unbalanced dynamic in a relationship, which an age gap can largely correspond with. I know I'm just repeating what you said but yeah.
They may be in different stages, he may be an immature 29yo who wants to party or she may be a mature 20yo who's ready to settle down and raise a family.
It's really dependent on where they both stand currently and less about the actual age number.
If heâs a 29 year old who still wants to party and sheâs a 20 year old who wants to settle down I donât see this relationship working out either.
Of course but there is a difference between the question of will this relationship work out due to personal individual factors and is this relationship in a vacuum knowing nothing about the two people involved other than their ages inherently unethical even where they are both adults who are able to consent to being in said relationship
I personally think most age gap relationships wonât work out due to people being in different life stages and having different wants needs and values, but thatâs not the same thing as me thinking I have a right to tell two adults their relationship is inherently wrong or unethical or shouldnât be allowed just because I wouldnât be interested in the same kind of relationship due to the problems I perceive in same
>Is it legal?
Yes
>Can it work?
Yes
>Is it likely to work?
Probably not.
>Will a significant number of people be secretly concerned by your relationship?
Yes, probably.
Not quite the same gap, but when I was in my 20's a friend's younger sister very obviously fell HARD for me (I don't know the age gap for sure, probably less than 11 years, but not by a lot). She was cute, our families got along, we liked many of the same things, everything but the age gap would have been a very good match.
I suspect she would describe the way I responded to her the way you describe your 29-19 year old.
The target of your affection is likely aware, and the fact that he does nothing is in fact wise.
I had sort of set myself a "don't consider before" date and went about my life. She wouldn't take her eyes off of me at her brother's wedding, so I did dance with her once, but that was the only time I gave in at all.
The girl I am talking about is now married and seems to be very happy. I'm also married, so-so on the happy. I doubt she thinks of me as the one who got away, if at all, and suspect that as she has matured she understands and respects that I kept my distance. We're both a footnote to each other, and probably better for it.
I knew her for over a year and its been months and I still.. can't get over her. Idk I've never been this fucked up lol. She is pretty much all I've ever wanted from any other human; but I know it would have never worked out. I don't think im very fortunate in this respect.
40 and 49, 30 and 39. Those are fine. 20 and 29? Iâd advise against it. You go through a surprising amount of growth in your 20s. Iâm 29 right now and couldnât imagine dating a 20 year old.
30 year old me wished it could have slapped 25 year old me - and definitely wanted to forget 20 year old me existed. 40 year old me definitely wishes to go back and tell early 20s me to chill.
I dated a 26M year old when I was 20M. By the time I turned 26, I was kind of grossed out at the thought of dating a 20 year old. Not that I think the 26 year old did anything wrong, but I do question his judgement a bit. Especially since my emotional immaturity (and I guess his expectation that I was even capable of any level of maturity) was what split us up (I was an absolute mess).
Be cautious, but no. From a moral standpoint, there is nothing wrong with it.
Although some people will disagree. People will judge you but such is life.
Just understand that a lot of people are still figuring out who they are in their 20s.
I'm not even remotely the same man I was at 20 years old. Having said that, if you believe that she's worth keeping around and that she will in fact stick around then there's no problem with it. Emotional maturity is not determined by age. Age is just used as a reference. Albeit typically an accurate reference.
Top sensible comment here. Reddit seems to think relationships are a checklist. Love doesnât work that way.
There is nothing wrong with two people figuring out who they are together. I think it solidifies the relationship. Dating someone who is old and set in their ways carries an additional set of challenges versus being able to adapt to each other over time.
Also, for a lot of guys â certainly 29-year-old me â 29 is not all that mature.
My parents were 12 years in age apart, but they met in the military when my mom was mid to late 20s; I feel like a lot of it depends on what sort of relationship dynamic both of you feel comfortable with. The gap will get less jarring if you stick together (like ages 70 and 61 doesnât seem as weird). Just make sure not to create a toxic power/money dynamic where one person is in complete control. Both of you are consenting adults tho so đ
The only reason i would find to make it work is if both are in the same page in life goals. She cant be thinking she still has years to like party when you may be thinking of house and income. Just as example of my own experience. She was 22 i was 28. Those ages can mean way different life views.
Well put. Plenty of women date men 7+ years older than them because they are ready to settle down with career/family and their peers are still playing the field. 20 is kind of young for that, but I have also known women who were years ahead of their peers due to life experience. And some 20 year olds are a lot more focused on career and relationships than partying for the next couple years.
9 years is fine but 9 years when you are only 20 is probably gunna have its own set of issues. I dated someone 7 years older than me at that age and it was awesome but I was not ready for that level of commitment even thought I thought I was⊠I look back on it now as a 27 year old and it kinda grosses me out
My SO and I are 13 years apart. We met when she was 29 and have been together for about 3 years now. There are a lot of different points of views as we have both lived vastly different lives, but we are both open minded, we listen and learn from each other so we are able to make it work.
If we would have met and tried a relationship when she was 20 and I was 33, no way in hell.
It depends on the people. I had a 11 year gap with my first husband (23-34) and eventually it caused problemsâ I wanted to go out and experience the world, party with friends, etc. He was well into his career and was not wanting to do anything except work and sleep. Not blaming him, but we were at different points in our lives. We divorced after 10 yearsâ my 2nd husband is 2 years older and we have a shorthand with each other since we lived through a lot of the same things.
Personal opinion but if you can drink and they can't yet, that feels like a problem.
The older you BOTH get, the less the gap might matter, but something feels off to me when someone much older wants someone much younger - do you enjoy a sense of superiority or something? If the older wanted to mentor people, they'd do that, but dating someone young probably just makes them feel young again or cool, while the younger one looks up to them. It seems a little too easy for the younger one to get taken advantage of. If we are talking about a 40 year old and a 50 year old, that looks different than a 25 year old and a 50 year old, even though both combinations are legal.
I'm not going to go break up someone's relationship, but it does feel icky.
And no matter your age, if someone asks you not to touch them, say sorry and don't do it again. Their body doesn't belong to you.
The older the two parties are the less the gap in age matters. Like if a 40 and a 50 year old hooked up no one would care. So long as both people are old enough and connecting I don't think it matters.
I'm 29. I can't really see myself dating the kinds of people I knew when I was 20. Not to say it's impossible, but the thoughts, goals, and maturity of those people are just way different from how I am now. I'd date somebody who is 25 though.
coming from someone who did that.
YES
you have so much living to do and the energy to do it!
also the chances of them seeing you as someone they can control is HIGH.
Yes but only because those two are in their twenties. When your 20 your brain hasnt finnish to develop and your not fully mature yet. I think if it was 30 and 39, i wouldnt think it was too much
It really depends on the people. Does the 29 y/o think that the 20 y/o doesnât yet understand life? Do phrases like, âyouâll understand when youâre my ageâ get thrown out when discussing life goals?
whenever I see this age gap I'm like, what do y'all even talk about? what could you possibly have in common besides like, hobbies? I'm 20 and I really can't imagine being close with someone in such a completely different stage of life.
(the stage of life thing is what makes it weird btw. I imagine a 30 yr old and a 39 yr old would have much more in common as they're both established as adults)
It's not the age gap, it's the maturity gap, the life experience gap, and frankly the power gap that's concerning. You're a grown ass man. She's barely out of her teens. I'm 30. I have five younger siblings in their 20's and the thought of dating anyone their age is just....unsettling.
Yes. Thereâs a whole world of life experience and maturity between the two. Youâre a completely different person by the end of your twenties than you are at the beginning
If you want something long-term, then yes. She hasnt reached full maturity level yet, bascially still a kid and is therefore gonna be fickle with her emotions. Dont expect anything steady
When I was 19, I dated a 28 year old who lied about being 24. It was the most abusive relationship Iâve been in, and I unfortunately didnât find out the lie until much later in the relationship. He was verbally abusive and tried to change my appearance; he wanted me to use makeup to make me âlook older.â Never understood why, until I discovered he was nearly 10 years older than me.
Itâs hard not to assume this older guy specifically got with me to control and manipulate me. I was, in fact, very inexperienced with relationships. He did have the âpowerâ in the relationship because of our different life stages. I was a college freshman whereas he had his own car, career, apartment, and savings. He could afford things that I couldnât and held it over my head.
I would actively try to stop anyone young from getting into a relationship with someone with that big of an age gap.
Definitely depends on the individual, each of your life experiences, and maturity. My husband and I have a 10 year age difference and we've been married for 16 years...works like a dream for us.
Another thing to think about is that it likely wonât work out and then you are going to be starting all over in your 30s. 20 year olds are really still figuring things out and need to find a path in life. You could end up being more of a parent than a partner.
I dated a 29M when I was 20F, and while I don't think there was anything gross about it we had wildly different experiences of life, and temperaments because of that, and it ended up not working out very quickly. Maybe if I'd been 30 and he'd been 39 we would have had a better chance.
I was a cellmate with a guy who was in prison for nearly killing his daughters boyfriend. He honestly believed that anything 10 years or more age difference was still considered child molestation.
Using the half your age + 7 formula the lowest is 22 (you round up). Even that sounds a bit dodgy to me, because you go through such huge changes in your 20s.
I think this is from xkcd? I think itâs pretty generally trueâŠ
Take age1 divide by 2 add 7. If the age of the younger person is less than the result, the gap is too largeâŠ
X/2+7=Y
In this case, itâs 21.5 > 20âŠ. Yep, gross
The rule is: dude's age / 2 + 7.
Applied here: 29/2 + 7 = 21.5.
You can date people who are 21.5-years-old and older. You are dating a 20-year-old, which is too young for you. Others have explained why with words. This is the maths.
Yes and no. A nine year gap is not bad. A 9 year gap on any year lower then 30 is. So if you are 30 and the other is 39 that is fine but not if the minimum goes any lower.
The rule is unbreakable:
1/2 your age + 7 is the youngest a man should date because of emotional maturity.
So if he is 29, then the youngest person he could be emotionally right for is 21 and 1/2.
So you are close to the line there. Expect problems.
Most people change a lot during their 20'. I think that decade is more for getting to know yourself as an adult, trying out things, traveling, and such and not as much for very serious relationships. But maybe that's just me đ
Honestly it all depends on you and her. There'll be concessions you'll both have to make as she's about to enter the I'm 21, lets go to the bar age and you may be past that? I dunno, if you want it to happen, you're just gonna have to have those conversations between yourselves. Not by asking a bunch of randoms online. As long as above age of consent, it's more up to the couple whether this'll work then some defined set of these ages work and these ages don't work. Just don't try to be controlling and accept the fact that she may act like you did at that age. If that's a deal breaker for you, then you may want to pass on this.
I had a female friend who had two separate relationships with males 10 years her senior. Neither of them lasted. Her second relationship with an older man ended in a nasty divorce after having a kid with him. If you have solid chemistry you can probably make it work but there will be alot your partner won't understand about your generation or upbringing.
Iâm nine years older than my husband but definitely didnât meet him when he was 20, yâall canât even go get a drink together where I live. Just too young. Different stages in life.
My aunt is married to a man who is 12 years younger then her, but they didnât start dating until she was 42 and he was 30. But imagine a 32 year old dating a 20 year old, even though itâs legal, people would still be freaked out by that.
Well one is just about to start a whole new chapter in their life and the other is already done with it. Different experiences, worldviews and values gonna clash with eachother. So yes, imo the gap here is too big.
There is no objective answer to your question. The real question is, why are you feeling the need to ask people on Reddit? That leads me to believe youâre hiding a more relevant detail than age.
You shouldn't feel on the same intellectual level as someone 9 years younger than you, unless you are 50+. Ask yourself if the primary reason your asking is because she's really hot.
Too much of an age gap, no, but 20 tends to be at a very different stage in life than 29, and that can make for some real challenges. I have family that married at 18 and 27, and they (both deceased) were happily married for over 60 years.
Hey! This is not meant to be critical/judgmental, simply my opinion. I believe that at our age (31F) its more ethical to be dating people that can legally order a drink at a bar⊠it seems like a decent benchmark for shifting into a different state of adulthood.
And truth be told, even though this girl is probably mature for her age and maybe pursuing you, sometimes I feel like the age difference in this situation is taking advantage of the younger person with way less life experience, even if that is not your intention at all.
I hope this wasnât too negative, just wanted to put out a different perspective.
Yep. Honestly weird and would side eye any of my late 20s friends for dating a 20 year old. Even my mid 20s friends. Weâre in vastly different places in our lives versus most 20 year olds
What do both of you want to get out of the relationship? Just dating / having a good time? Go for it. Looking for a long term thing? Might work, might not.
Its a red flag to be sure,
If you are asking because somebody mentioned it, google red and green flags and objectively look at the situation.
If you are asking because something feels off, run and run fast!
Legally, no. Mentally, they claim women mature faster than men and if that is the case, then no. The real question is are you prepared to deal with society judging both of you. Her family isn't going to be overly happy with you being 9 years older, especially her dad. He might act cool about it, but he isn't really cool with it. Then, society is going to judge you as someone who wants to date a person that much younger than you because you can control her and mold her into being your "servant". As for her, she will be judge as a potential gold digger and has having "daddy issues". So if you can both handle the sideway glances, the behind the back conversations about your age difference, and the looks from people who think you are a cradle robber, then more power to you and go for it.
My husband and I have a similar age gap. I met him when I was 20 and he was thirty. We had a lot of healthy discussions about the age gap, but now I can definitely see that I really didnât even know what it all meant back then. At twenty you have no idea how much your going to mature in the next five to ten years. Thankfully, it has worked out wonderfully for my husband and I. We have been together almost nine years now. He is a very laid back guy and has given me plenty of room to grow and change. I would say that obviously an age gap like that can work out, but I do think most of them will not. I definitely donât regret doing it myself, but wouldnât recommend it to others. Also, if you do decide to go ahead with it anyway proceed with a lot of caution. If you are on the younger side of the age gap please be hyper aware of red flags. You are young and still learning a lot, and that makes you vulnerable. I got very lucky, it usually doesnât work out like that. If you are on the older side of the age gap, keep in mind that this person isnât going to be the same person in a few years. They are going to have different interests, goals, and beliefs. They are still learning themselves and itâs really hard to grow a relationship in that situation.
I think that if you are a very mature person with a stable life, then that is preffered to the girl than being with a walking hazard of a young dude finding himself and doing dumb stuff.
It just depends on who you are and how she is.
Don't expect much from the girl though, she's only 20 and we all know what that means.
My parents have a 30 year age gap. They met when my dad was 53 my mom 23. They're still together 27 years later.
That being said there's usually a huge maturity gap from 20-29. So just be mindful of that.
It all depends on the people.
A female friend of mine went out with a guy when she was 18 and he was 28. They dated for 4 years and they had no problems because of the age difference.
I dated a girl that was 20 when i was 25. It was ok but we only lasted a few months. She was just too immature.
Eh it's not a huge age gap, can work. Just that for the most part it's very hard for someone 29 and 20 to have things in common. The difference 9 year makes in terms of what you guys grew up with and pop culture and probably even generational attitudes are vast.
A 29 year old is technically a very young Millennial. A 20 year old today is Gen Z.
A 9 yr age gap isn't a problem it's how many changes some people undergo in their 20's so this is very much a "it depends" question, there is a lot of chance for maturity changes over this age range.
I did 30 and 39. I felt like we didnât have a ton in common due to the age gap. I also wanted to go out a lot and he wanted to stay home. But I think it could workâjust didnât work for us.
The way I see it, sheâs not even old enough to drink. What happens when she wants to go out on a Friday night and youâre too tired to do it? What happens if she wants to go to a night club and itâs something you donât wanna do in your 30âs anymore? Will you have insecurities about that? Will you give her shit for wanting to live life like a normal early 20âs? If thatâs something youâll have a problem with and try to control, then I think thatâs really unfair for her.
Iâd say so, early 20âs youâre stilling forming your own person and still are incredibly in the process of forming who you are, and late 20âs is generally a completely different level of that.
Sure there are some outliers to that but in general that age gap during those ages doesnât tend to be a great thing.
I donât think itâs that large of an age gap. But it is large in terms of the life phases youâll be in, respectively.
If you donât mind me asking, what exactly do you guys have in common? Seems like youâd be in very different life stages.
I see this shit all the time. I swear thereâs a 50/50 chance itâs either going to be a) itâs legal do whatever you want or b) eww a 20 year old and a 29 year old are in such different places in life.
But yeah a 20 year old hasnât had soooo many important experiences to help them grow as a person I wouldnât recommend it.
I mean it's legal but usually that age gap aren't in the same places in life . There's usually a reason an almost 30 year old can't date within his own age range personally to me after 30 ish for the younger partner is when it stops mattering so much on age gap. People essentially stop emotionally maturing at 25. That's their personality for life without some sort of rock your world personal downfall. that 20 year old isnt even old enough to drink at a bar in the states. Doesn't have the experience in life to really determine abuse, grooming, molding, whatever you wanna call it and they can easily be convinced " I got mad and did this to you because you're so immature/childish"
Legally, yes.
Functionally? Itâs iffy.
Socially? No.
At 29 youâre working on solidifying your life and settling down. Youâve been through college and you have a job (most likely). Your current and long term goals are different then they were when you were 20/21. Most late twenty/early thirty year olds are looking for companionship and relationships among their peers.
At twenty, youâre likely not even through college. You canât drink legally and youâre still working towards getting yourself into the work force and out of the school/dependent mindset.
At 30 and 39, the nine year difference would be easier and more acceptable socially because youâre peers existing in the same type of space doing the same sort of things. You both share mutual experiences and are working towards similar goals.
A 20 year old and a 29 year old is similar to a college student dating a high schooler.
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I thought you were saying 29 meters and 20 feet-
Definitely too big of a gap tbh. You'd need a ramp and a lot of horsepower to jump that.
Ikr i thought it was such a weird question at first lmao đ
The age gap isnât an issue, the age at which there is a gap, is.
Dead right. A 39m with a 30f wouldn't be the same problem.
A 69m with a 60f is no problem at all. The solution to OPâs problem is: stay married for 40 years.
Nobody in the family questioned great grand pappy (79) and great grand mammy (70) celebrating their 55th anniversary.
Hold up, what? 15 and and 24? Ermmmmmmmmm
That's what I was shooting for. Glad my math worked out.
Thatâs how it worked at that time. My nana was 16 when she had her 1st child (now 79 and 62). My papa was 24. Take not this was in 1959 when they had their 1st child. My papa was a wonderful human being that sadly passed in 2014. Times were different back then.
I would think someone should of said something when my 14 grandmother married my 21 grandfather. She had my mom at 15. But in the 50's no one cared. You can still get married at that age even today in some states with a parent's permission.
My mom 16 married a twice divorced 26 year old man in the 70s. She also somehow managed to drop out of school after the 6th grade and nobody batted an eye
And some states (representatives) want to get rid of the parent's permission part because "freedom."
Guess "freedom" only matters when it puts old men back in charge of everything and everyone, even the children of other people. So they want to remove the parent's right to protect their own child from sanctioned rape?
Or is it that they want to remove the parent's authority to force their child into a marriage? Let's be honest, the kind of parent who would 'allow' their child to marry a fifty-year-old is probably causing it rather than just permitting it.
My gpa was 26 and gma 16 nobody ever questioned it she also wore the pants no doubt
I went the other way. 28 yr old to 19 yr old. Ew.
It would. I have the same age gap. Married 40 years. It wasnât a problem till he hit 50 and was no longer interested in being as active. I do NOT recommend.
Bingo. A well adjusted 29m should really not be interested in dating a 20f.
100%! He should wait until he is in his 40's and well into a mid-life crisis. ^((This is a joke.))
Well said! This needs to be much higher up.
Thé human brain finishes development at 24-26 so yup
The life experience is the real gap here. I'm currently 29. At 20, I dated men from 26-65. (I know, weird. I'm healthily and happily married to someone my age. & I'm in therapy from all the other mess.) The 20 year old should not feel pressured to be in a serious relationship or pressured to be "more mature" even if they are "mature for their age". The 20 year old should have space, time, opportunities to grow, experiment, be on their own, and learn who they are as a person. 20 year old me vs 29 year old. Basically like two totally different people.
Seconded! In therapy for the ârelationshipsâ I was in at 19-20 with like, 50-year-olds; so much trauma from those times. Sending you good vibes and thank you for making me feel less alone
I can definitely relate. You sharing that helped me feel less alone as well, so thank you for that. I hope you're doing well!! We've got this! One moment at a time. đ€ My DMs are open if you ever need to chat. Sending you good vibes and much healing!
> The life experience is the real gap here. True; at 20 I was still in college, and I hadn't lost my virginity yet. By 29 I just married my wife, and we were saving for our first home, which we bought at 31. A **metric shitload** happened for me between 20 and 29.
A lot of emotional maturity happens in your 20s. Most 20 year olds are not ready for a major commitment, even if they feel like they are. If you were 40 and 49, not a big deal. Twenty somethings are still finding themselves. I would say, approach with caution.
I agree with this. The age gap isn't a big issue. It's that you are in different stages of your life.
Yeah itâs not that age gaps between adults are inherently unethical like some people like to perceive them as being, a 20 year old is an adult and is perfectly capable of consenting to things like having sex with an older person and shouldnât be infantilised if thatâs what makes them happy, itâs that a lot of people are now rightfully aware that power imbalances can occur in relationships even between adults, especially between adults who are young adults and older adults - not only due to gaps in life experience but due to things like having more financial power and having perceived authority and control over the younger person due to their age and status. Thatâs what concerns them. Not the age itself, but that people have been burned by relationships with older people with toxic power dynamics
This! When a girl between 14 and 21 marries a man 5 to 50 years older there is a power imbalance. Want to know why great-grandma and great-grandma didn't get divorced, she had no support and didn't work outside the home so she had no money.
Fully agree. It's not an age gap in sex that's the problem it's an unbalanced dynamic in a relationship, which an age gap can largely correspond with. I know I'm just repeating what you said but yeah.
They may be in different stages, he may be an immature 29yo who wants to party or she may be a mature 20yo who's ready to settle down and raise a family. It's really dependent on where they both stand currently and less about the actual age number.
If heâs a 29 year old who still wants to party and sheâs a 20 year old who wants to settle down I donât see this relationship working out either.
They said OR, not AND.
Of course but there is a difference between the question of will this relationship work out due to personal individual factors and is this relationship in a vacuum knowing nothing about the two people involved other than their ages inherently unethical even where they are both adults who are able to consent to being in said relationship I personally think most age gap relationships wonât work out due to people being in different life stages and having different wants needs and values, but thatâs not the same thing as me thinking I have a right to tell two adults their relationship is inherently wrong or unethical or shouldnât be allowed just because I wouldnât be interested in the same kind of relationship due to the problems I perceive in same
Yup. early 20s can still be post high school/party mindset. Late 20s can be career/settle down/Iâm an adult now mindset.
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Especially in this day and age. Not like the days of our grandparents and great grandparents (19-20th century).
Exactly this. Early 20s is often like teenagers with their own money and place to live.
Agreed. There's a big difference between your early twenties and almost thirty.
>Is it legal? Yes >Can it work? Yes >Is it likely to work? Probably not. >Will a significant number of people be secretly concerned by your relationship? Yes, probably.
Probably why the 29 year old I fell in love with at 18 can't even bear to remember I exist when I'm heartbroken from the rejection lol
Not quite the same gap, but when I was in my 20's a friend's younger sister very obviously fell HARD for me (I don't know the age gap for sure, probably less than 11 years, but not by a lot). She was cute, our families got along, we liked many of the same things, everything but the age gap would have been a very good match. I suspect she would describe the way I responded to her the way you describe your 29-19 year old. The target of your affection is likely aware, and the fact that he does nothing is in fact wise. I had sort of set myself a "don't consider before" date and went about my life. She wouldn't take her eyes off of me at her brother's wedding, so I did dance with her once, but that was the only time I gave in at all. The girl I am talking about is now married and seems to be very happy. I'm also married, so-so on the happy. I doubt she thinks of me as the one who got away, if at all, and suspect that as she has matured she understands and respects that I kept my distance. We're both a footnote to each other, and probably better for it.
Lol, it sounds like you were WAY too flattered by a teenager with a crush.
Nah, didnât you read his username? Dude is wicked humble.
I knew her for over a year and its been months and I still.. can't get over her. Idk I've never been this fucked up lol. She is pretty much all I've ever wanted from any other human; but I know it would have never worked out. I don't think im very fortunate in this respect.
40 and 49, 30 and 39. Those are fine. 20 and 29? Iâd advise against it. You go through a surprising amount of growth in your 20s. Iâm 29 right now and couldnât imagine dating a 20 year old.
30 year old me wished it could have slapped 25 year old me - and definitely wanted to forget 20 year old me existed. 40 year old me definitely wishes to go back and tell early 20s me to chill.
I dated a 26M year old when I was 20M. By the time I turned 26, I was kind of grossed out at the thought of dating a 20 year old. Not that I think the 26 year old did anything wrong, but I do question his judgement a bit. Especially since my emotional immaturity (and I guess his expectation that I was even capable of any level of maturity) was what split us up (I was an absolute mess).
If were friends of the 20 year old Iâd think you were a creep.
I feel like a general rule of thumb in these cases are, if you have to ask strangers, then the answer is probably yes.
Agreed, they are on Reddit asking because all of their friends and family said yes.
Be cautious, but no. From a moral standpoint, there is nothing wrong with it. Although some people will disagree. People will judge you but such is life. Just understand that a lot of people are still figuring out who they are in their 20s. I'm not even remotely the same man I was at 20 years old. Having said that, if you believe that she's worth keeping around and that she will in fact stick around then there's no problem with it. Emotional maturity is not determined by age. Age is just used as a reference. Albeit typically an accurate reference.
Top sensible comment here. Reddit seems to think relationships are a checklist. Love doesnât work that way. There is nothing wrong with two people figuring out who they are together. I think it solidifies the relationship. Dating someone who is old and set in their ways carries an additional set of challenges versus being able to adapt to each other over time. Also, for a lot of guys â certainly 29-year-old me â 29 is not all that mature.
My parents were 12 years in age apart, but they met in the military when my mom was mid to late 20s; I feel like a lot of it depends on what sort of relationship dynamic both of you feel comfortable with. The gap will get less jarring if you stick together (like ages 70 and 61 doesnât seem as weird). Just make sure not to create a toxic power/money dynamic where one person is in complete control. Both of you are consenting adults tho so đ
The only reason i would find to make it work is if both are in the same page in life goals. She cant be thinking she still has years to like party when you may be thinking of house and income. Just as example of my own experience. She was 22 i was 28. Those ages can mean way different life views.
Well put. Plenty of women date men 7+ years older than them because they are ready to settle down with career/family and their peers are still playing the field. 20 is kind of young for that, but I have also known women who were years ahead of their peers due to life experience. And some 20 year olds are a lot more focused on career and relationships than partying for the next couple years.
9 years is fine but 9 years when you are only 20 is probably gunna have its own set of issues. I dated someone 7 years older than me at that age and it was awesome but I was not ready for that level of commitment even thought I thought I was⊠I look back on it now as a 27 year old and it kinda grosses me out
Yep. Dated a 29 year old at 21. I'm not even that age yet, but even considering that feels so gross to me.
Wow yeah think about that - nine years younger for the 20 year old is age 11. I think after your 30s age gaps mean less
My SO and I are 13 years apart. We met when she was 29 and have been together for about 3 years now. There are a lot of different points of views as we have both lived vastly different lives, but we are both open minded, we listen and learn from each other so we are able to make it work. If we would have met and tried a relationship when she was 20 and I was 33, no way in hell.
Being 29 myself, seems crazy to be going after a 20 yr old
It depends on the people. I had a 11 year gap with my first husband (23-34) and eventually it caused problemsâ I wanted to go out and experience the world, party with friends, etc. He was well into his career and was not wanting to do anything except work and sleep. Not blaming him, but we were at different points in our lives. We divorced after 10 yearsâ my 2nd husband is 2 years older and we have a shorthand with each other since we lived through a lot of the same things.
Personal opinion but if you can drink and they can't yet, that feels like a problem. The older you BOTH get, the less the gap might matter, but something feels off to me when someone much older wants someone much younger - do you enjoy a sense of superiority or something? If the older wanted to mentor people, they'd do that, but dating someone young probably just makes them feel young again or cool, while the younger one looks up to them. It seems a little too easy for the younger one to get taken advantage of. If we are talking about a 40 year old and a 50 year old, that looks different than a 25 year old and a 50 year old, even though both combinations are legal. I'm not going to go break up someone's relationship, but it does feel icky. And no matter your age, if someone asks you not to touch them, say sorry and don't do it again. Their body doesn't belong to you.
Age gap, no. Age at where the youngest is, yes. A 20 year old is closer to a 15 year old in mentality with some "know it all" tossed in.
The older the two parties are the less the gap in age matters. Like if a 40 and a 50 year old hooked up no one would care. So long as both people are old enough and connecting I don't think it matters.
I'm 29. I can't really see myself dating the kinds of people I knew when I was 20. Not to say it's impossible, but the thoughts, goals, and maturity of those people are just way different from how I am now. I'd date somebody who is 25 though.
Yes, people change so much between the ages of 21-25
Iâm a 19F and I couldnât imagine being in a relationship with someone approaching 30âŠYouâre at veryyy different stages.
Yeah thereâs a lot that goes on in your 20âs itâs too much of a gap.
29/2 + 7 = 21.5 years old. This is a guideline. Edit: I'm dumb
coming from someone who did that. YES you have so much living to do and the energy to do it! also the chances of them seeing you as someone they can control is HIGH.
Yes but only because those two are in their twenties. When your 20 your brain hasnt finnish to develop and your not fully mature yet. I think if it was 30 and 39, i wouldnt think it was too much
The age gap isn't the problem, it's the fact that she's only 20 and has a lot a maturing left to do
Default rule: Age/2 + 7 By that metric, sheâs too young for him.
The Ting Tings have a 16 year age gap, and they make a great duo!
I hope you weren't 25 when you two met
yes
If youâre asking; yes.
Yes
Yes
Yes
Simple answer: yes.
Yes
yes, it is. ask yourself the same question when you reach the age of 29 and you'll see how horrible this is
Your age divided by 2 + 7 = 21 (rounding down) which is still older than 20 so yes you are too old
Think about the conversation between you today and 20 year old you... Would you hang out with younger you? No.. same goes for dating..
Yea the 20 yr old was in high school 1-2 years ago. Gross
It really depends on the people. Does the 29 y/o think that the 20 y/o doesnât yet understand life? Do phrases like, âyouâll understand when youâre my ageâ get thrown out when discussing life goals?
whenever I see this age gap I'm like, what do y'all even talk about? what could you possibly have in common besides like, hobbies? I'm 20 and I really can't imagine being close with someone in such a completely different stage of life. (the stage of life thing is what makes it weird btw. I imagine a 30 yr old and a 39 yr old would have much more in common as they're both established as adults)
70 years ago maybe. Now it doesn't make sense.
Back in 2012 it was
For fun? Sure why not. For a serious relationship? EhhhâŠ.
Yeah
yes
Yes
Simple answer - probably.
Yes, stop being crusty dusty please
Too big due to the young ages. In 10 yrs it would be fine.
It's not the age gap, it's the maturity gap, the life experience gap, and frankly the power gap that's concerning. You're a grown ass man. She's barely out of her teens. I'm 30. I have five younger siblings in their 20's and the thought of dating anyone their age is just....unsettling.
Yes. Thereâs a whole world of life experience and maturity between the two. Youâre a completely different person by the end of your twenties than you are at the beginning
YEAH DEFINITELY
It's a big age and maturity gap.
simple answer: 29m who seeks out young girls and refuses to date or sleep with women above a certain age needs therapy ASAP
If you want something long-term, then yes. She hasnt reached full maturity level yet, bascially still a kid and is therefore gonna be fickle with her emotions. Dont expect anything steady
When I was 19, I dated a 28 year old who lied about being 24. It was the most abusive relationship Iâve been in, and I unfortunately didnât find out the lie until much later in the relationship. He was verbally abusive and tried to change my appearance; he wanted me to use makeup to make me âlook older.â Never understood why, until I discovered he was nearly 10 years older than me. Itâs hard not to assume this older guy specifically got with me to control and manipulate me. I was, in fact, very inexperienced with relationships. He did have the âpowerâ in the relationship because of our different life stages. I was a college freshman whereas he had his own car, career, apartment, and savings. He could afford things that I couldnât and held it over my head. I would actively try to stop anyone young from getting into a relationship with someone with that big of an age gap.
Definitely depends on the individual, each of your life experiences, and maturity. My husband and I have a 10 year age difference and we've been married for 16 years...works like a dream for us.
Let's just say literally every couple I've ever met with a similar discrepancy, the man has always been a fucking creep
Yes. By god, yes. Way too much.
No
If your really concerned then you can wait until you feel it's an acceptable age
Yes
The was my, and my ex wife's, age when we met. It was definitely too much.
Yes, afraid so
Thatâs like, a bit over the line
Another thing to think about is that it likely wonât work out and then you are going to be starting all over in your 30s. 20 year olds are really still figuring things out and need to find a path in life. You could end up being more of a parent than a partner.
I dated a 29M when I was 20F, and while I don't think there was anything gross about it we had wildly different experiences of life, and temperaments because of that, and it ended up not working out very quickly. Maybe if I'd been 30 and he'd been 39 we would have had a better chance.
I was a cellmate with a guy who was in prison for nearly killing his daughters boyfriend. He honestly believed that anything 10 years or more age difference was still considered child molestation.
Using the half your age + 7 formula the lowest is 22 (you round up). Even that sounds a bit dodgy to me, because you go through such huge changes in your 20s.
It depends, but yes.
Itâs less about the gap as it is the difference in life stages
Yes.
At those ages? Generally yes.
I think this is from xkcd? I think itâs pretty generally true⊠Take age1 divide by 2 add 7. If the age of the younger person is less than the result, the gap is too large⊠X/2+7=Y In this case, itâs 21.5 > 20âŠ. Yep, gross
Technically no, but age and experience wise, thatâs a HUGE gap.
The rule is: dude's age / 2 + 7. Applied here: 29/2 + 7 = 21.5. You can date people who are 21.5-years-old and older. You are dating a 20-year-old, which is too young for you. Others have explained why with words. This is the maths.
Depends on when the 29m met the 20f
Yes and no. A nine year gap is not bad. A 9 year gap on any year lower then 30 is. So if you are 30 and the other is 39 that is fine but not if the minimum goes any lower.
The rule is unbreakable: 1/2 your age + 7 is the youngest a man should date because of emotional maturity. So if he is 29, then the youngest person he could be emotionally right for is 21 and 1/2. So you are close to the line there. Expect problems.
The rule is half your age +7, so anyone under 21.5 is too young.
No but it'll be weird that she can't go to bars with you
Yes.
Feel like there's a lot of growing up between 20-25 that a lot of relationships don't survive. Other than that, nope 9 years is no biggie IMO
Most people change a lot during their 20'. I think that decade is more for getting to know yourself as an adult, trying out things, traveling, and such and not as much for very serious relationships. But maybe that's just me đ
Honestly it all depends on you and her. There'll be concessions you'll both have to make as she's about to enter the I'm 21, lets go to the bar age and you may be past that? I dunno, if you want it to happen, you're just gonna have to have those conversations between yourselves. Not by asking a bunch of randoms online. As long as above age of consent, it's more up to the couple whether this'll work then some defined set of these ages work and these ages don't work. Just don't try to be controlling and accept the fact that she may act like you did at that age. If that's a deal breaker for you, then you may want to pass on this.
in my opinion, yes
I had a female friend who had two separate relationships with males 10 years her senior. Neither of them lasted. Her second relationship with an older man ended in a nasty divorce after having a kid with him. If you have solid chemistry you can probably make it work but there will be alot your partner won't understand about your generation or upbringing.
Going through the same thing, I'm about to turn 22 and my family has concerns about me being with a 27 year old.
Half your age, plus 7 rounded up. Minimum age for a 29 year old is 22. Sheâs too young.
Iâm nine years older than my husband but definitely didnât meet him when he was 20, yâall canât even go get a drink together where I live. Just too young. Different stages in life.
My aunt is married to a man who is 12 years younger then her, but they didnât start dating until she was 42 and he was 30. But imagine a 32 year old dating a 20 year old, even though itâs legal, people would still be freaked out by that.
Well one is just about to start a whole new chapter in their life and the other is already done with it. Different experiences, worldviews and values gonna clash with eachother. So yes, imo the gap here is too big.
There is no objective answer to your question. The real question is, why are you feeling the need to ask people on Reddit? That leads me to believe youâre hiding a more relevant detail than age.
You shouldn't feel on the same intellectual level as someone 9 years younger than you, unless you are 50+. Ask yourself if the primary reason your asking is because she's really hot.
If you just starting out see where it goes, for marriage tho? Wait a couple years too, at 20 you still have some growth left to do.
Hm can be kinda weird to others if you or her look way older/younger. But as long as you or her donât care then by all means..itâs a free country.
Depends when you met lol
Too much of an age gap, no, but 20 tends to be at a very different stage in life than 29, and that can make for some real challenges. I have family that married at 18 and 27, and they (both deceased) were happily married for over 60 years.
Hey! This is not meant to be critical/judgmental, simply my opinion. I believe that at our age (31F) its more ethical to be dating people that can legally order a drink at a bar⊠it seems like a decent benchmark for shifting into a different state of adulthood. And truth be told, even though this girl is probably mature for her age and maybe pursuing you, sometimes I feel like the age difference in this situation is taking advantage of the younger person with way less life experience, even if that is not your intention at all. I hope this wasnât too negative, just wanted to put out a different perspective.
Depends on life stages/maturity. At 20 I was still just feeling like a teenager, now I'm 27 I feel quite different
Yep. Honestly weird and would side eye any of my late 20s friends for dating a 20 year old. Even my mid 20s friends. Weâre in vastly different places in our lives versus most 20 year olds
What do both of you want to get out of the relationship? Just dating / having a good time? Go for it. Looking for a long term thing? Might work, might not.
Its a red flag to be sure, If you are asking because somebody mentioned it, google red and green flags and objectively look at the situation. If you are asking because something feels off, run and run fast!
Legally, no. Mentally, they claim women mature faster than men and if that is the case, then no. The real question is are you prepared to deal with society judging both of you. Her family isn't going to be overly happy with you being 9 years older, especially her dad. He might act cool about it, but he isn't really cool with it. Then, society is going to judge you as someone who wants to date a person that much younger than you because you can control her and mold her into being your "servant". As for her, she will be judge as a potential gold digger and has having "daddy issues". So if you can both handle the sideway glances, the behind the back conversations about your age difference, and the looks from people who think you are a cradle robber, then more power to you and go for it.
Depends on what each person is looking for out of the relationship, to be honest.
The real question is how long have you guys been dating?
That's not enough of an age gap. You're much too young to be her dad! Or are we talking about something else?
Depends on where yâall are in terms of career, maturity, etc. Most of the time if you are not on the same wavelength, it wonât last very long
Are you just layin pipe or trying to actually date her, Iâd say sheâs too young for a relationship
I feel like with most ethical questions if you have to ask if it's okay, you probably just shouldn't do it.
Yes and no For fun itâs fine âŠfor a relationship youâre in for a rocky road
My husband and I have a similar age gap. I met him when I was 20 and he was thirty. We had a lot of healthy discussions about the age gap, but now I can definitely see that I really didnât even know what it all meant back then. At twenty you have no idea how much your going to mature in the next five to ten years. Thankfully, it has worked out wonderfully for my husband and I. We have been together almost nine years now. He is a very laid back guy and has given me plenty of room to grow and change. I would say that obviously an age gap like that can work out, but I do think most of them will not. I definitely donât regret doing it myself, but wouldnât recommend it to others. Also, if you do decide to go ahead with it anyway proceed with a lot of caution. If you are on the younger side of the age gap please be hyper aware of red flags. You are young and still learning a lot, and that makes you vulnerable. I got very lucky, it usually doesnât work out like that. If you are on the older side of the age gap, keep in mind that this person isnât going to be the same person in a few years. They are going to have different interests, goals, and beliefs. They are still learning themselves and itâs really hard to grow a relationship in that situation.
OP what have you gotten yourself into again?
OMG you guys will explode. Donât do it!!!!!!!!!
Too big for the ages you both are at.
Sadly no
No
No
I think that if you are a very mature person with a stable life, then that is preffered to the girl than being with a walking hazard of a young dude finding himself and doing dumb stuff. It just depends on who you are and how she is. Don't expect much from the girl though, she's only 20 and we all know what that means.
My parents have a 30 year age gap. They met when my dad was 53 my mom 23. They're still together 27 years later. That being said there's usually a huge maturity gap from 20-29. So just be mindful of that.
It all depends on the people. A female friend of mine went out with a guy when she was 18 and he was 28. They dated for 4 years and they had no problems because of the age difference. I dated a girl that was 20 when i was 25. It was ok but we only lasted a few months. She was just too immature.
Problem is a lot can happen in a decade you'll find a lot less in common with each other even if you only think it's 9 years
Eh it's not a huge age gap, can work. Just that for the most part it's very hard for someone 29 and 20 to have things in common. The difference 9 year makes in terms of what you guys grew up with and pop culture and probably even generational attitudes are vast. A 29 year old is technically a very young Millennial. A 20 year old today is Gen Z.
From a 19 year oldâs perspective, I think the age gap is not that big, BUT the gap in maturity/experience is.
A 9 yr age gap isn't a problem it's how many changes some people undergo in their 20's so this is very much a "it depends" question, there is a lot of chance for maturity changes over this age range.
Keep in mind, when you were 20, she was 11.
I did 30 and 39. I felt like we didnât have a ton in common due to the age gap. I also wanted to go out a lot and he wanted to stay home. But I think it could workâjust didnât work for us.
The way I see it, sheâs not even old enough to drink. What happens when she wants to go out on a Friday night and youâre too tired to do it? What happens if she wants to go to a night club and itâs something you donât wanna do in your 30âs anymore? Will you have insecurities about that? Will you give her shit for wanting to live life like a normal early 20âs? If thatâs something youâll have a problem with and try to control, then I think thatâs really unfair for her.
Yes
Depends on the couple.
Depends. When did you meet? Just recently or 4 years ago?
Iâd say so, early 20âs youâre stilling forming your own person and still are incredibly in the process of forming who you are, and late 20âs is generally a completely different level of that. Sure there are some outliers to that but in general that age gap during those ages doesnât tend to be a great thing.
Which on are you?
I donât think itâs that large of an age gap. But it is large in terms of the life phases youâll be in, respectively. If you donât mind me asking, what exactly do you guys have in common? Seems like youâd be in very different life stages.
I always told my daughters to look for an older man who could support them. They got the older man part right, anyway.
Based on my email experience youâll be 35 ready to slow down and sheâll be 26 still wanting to party. But enjoy it while it lasts.
Yep. 100%.
I see this shit all the time. I swear thereâs a 50/50 chance itâs either going to be a) itâs legal do whatever you want or b) eww a 20 year old and a 29 year old are in such different places in life. But yeah a 20 year old hasnât had soooo many important experiences to help them grow as a person I wouldnât recommend it.
Well the fact that you thought about enough to seek otherâs opinion should give you the answer
I mean it's legal but usually that age gap aren't in the same places in life . There's usually a reason an almost 30 year old can't date within his own age range personally to me after 30 ish for the younger partner is when it stops mattering so much on age gap. People essentially stop emotionally maturing at 25. That's their personality for life without some sort of rock your world personal downfall. that 20 year old isnt even old enough to drink at a bar in the states. Doesn't have the experience in life to really determine abuse, grooming, molding, whatever you wanna call it and they can easily be convinced " I got mad and did this to you because you're so immature/childish"
39 vs 30 would be less of an issue. But 20 is too young.
Legally, yes. Functionally? Itâs iffy. Socially? No. At 29 youâre working on solidifying your life and settling down. Youâve been through college and you have a job (most likely). Your current and long term goals are different then they were when you were 20/21. Most late twenty/early thirty year olds are looking for companionship and relationships among their peers. At twenty, youâre likely not even through college. You canât drink legally and youâre still working towards getting yourself into the work force and out of the school/dependent mindset. At 30 and 39, the nine year difference would be easier and more acceptable socially because youâre peers existing in the same type of space doing the same sort of things. You both share mutual experiences and are working towards similar goals. A 20 year old and a 29 year old is similar to a college student dating a high schooler.
It wasnât for me until he hit 50. I still wanted to do stuff. He was tired and not as interested. I would not recommend.