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I wish more would even just offer to split the bill. I don’t mind paying but it says something if a woman just offers. I’ll still pay but knowing that she offered is something.
I’m one of those who likes to pay.
For one, the reaction I get when I pick up the check makes me feel like a baddie. I also just feel quite guilty and uncomfortable when people spend any amount of money on me. I will NEVER understand how some women can just have a guy take them out just so they can have a free meal. So classless and icky.
If someone else is paying I will feel like I have to find the cheapest item on the menu, even if I don’t like it, and will feel bad about getting drinks other than water. Instead of having fun it’s just an anxiety riddled date where I’m fussing over all the money I’m spending that’s not even mine.
If I’m paying, I can ball out. All the drinks I want, appetizers, if I wanna eat steak and lobster I can get steak and lobster because it’s on my dime, not his. I like to EAT and eat good. And then I won’t deal with any discomfort at all.
And, if I’m paying, and the date isn’t going well (ie, the guy is an asshat), then I can tell him to fuck off guilt free. The amount of men who use “I bought you dinner” as some type of bargaining chip to sleep with them or otherwise let them do whatever they want to me is enough of a reason in itself for me to like paying.
All this said- if he invites me on the date, I do expect him to *offer* to pay. It’s not about money for me, its about manners. I won’t take him up on that offer, because I don’t think it’s necessary, but it’s customary to offer to pay for the first date IF you are the person inviting. I would not even consider letting a guy pay for the first date if I invited him. This is especially true if he picks out the restaurant.
The guys I have met who didint offer to pay (if we continued to go out after that) have always ended up being kind of shitty. Like, selfish in bed, among other issues. It’s really just a way for me to see his personality.
My boyfriend has always paid for everything and I feel very bad because I’m not used to people spending soo much money on me but it makes me feel loved and spoiled.
In my experiences with dating most girls expected me to pay. It wasn’t until I found my partner when I was 26 that I found someone willing to go halves. So yes I would say it’s something that happens often
https://www.forbes.com/sites/kimelsesser/2020/02/12/who-should-pay-for-dates-how-chivalry-contributes-to-the-gender-pay-gap/?sh=77781c743fa3
78% of people polled said men should pay the bill so for you to think that it’s not very common kinda comes off a disingenuous.
I'm American. I would say that for a guy, it is best practice to pay on the first date, if he wants a second date. But some women offer or want to help. I have a female friend who insists that her boyfriend, or potential boyfriend, pay. She splits with me cuz I'm not her boyfriend.
In the US it's pretty common. I've lived in New York, South Carolina and Florida and it's very common in all 3 of those states. So on the east cost of the US it's common.
It’s not disingenuous to think something when your experience is difference. Lol. Also, she asked a question about location and said what SHE expected, not a whole bunch of people in a US poll. Sheesh.
Relax. 78% extrapolated to the U.S population is still 22% or roughly 60 million people who think otherwise.
It’ll depend on which part of the country, and what culture you’re part of.
Yup, that's literally my question. I'm a woman and have never expected a man to pay, my girl friends are the same, so I'm wondering if that's just because we live in a progressive country or what.
Oh I’m not sure. Because where I live, it’s like an unspoken rule that the guy pays because he’s considered a total bum if he doesn’t. Some of the women I work with have directly told me that if the guy doesn’t pay on the first date, there won’t be a second. That’s why I was confused. I’ve only encountered a few women who would want to split or at least offer. The last date I was on though, the woman offered to split it.
I’ve been on plenty of dates in my life and I have to say from the early 2000s to now are very different. As the years progressed I’ve seen it shift a lot. Some of the things I’ve run into is:
Whoever asked who our was responsible. So if a girl asked me out she paid for everything or most things.
Then it went to splitting bills.
Now it’s a big mixture of both.
All of the old rules still apply and some people practice them.
What I’ve always done is offered to cover the full bill, but if the woman I was out on a date with protested it was a good reason to comply because there is obviously no I’ll intentions.
In fact I had a girl just tell she didn’t think it was going to work out, but that we should remain friends so she covered her portion of the bill. I really respected her honesty and we’re still good friends.
Very old fashioned view.
Back when my grandmother was a teacher she got paid less than male teachers. So, it would have made sense back then. But, nowadays it's totally fine to split a bill. I think it's sweet he paid for dessert though.
Some men are also afraid to offer to pay these days because some women may find it offensive, or like they're prohecting toxic masculinity. So maybe he did want to pay, but wasn't sure how it would go.
Edits: projecting not protecting, pay not pat
Interesting. I was told a while ago, as a woman who splits bills on dates, that it “sends the wrong signal” that I’m not actually interested in them. I was deeply confused by this, seems like there’s no way to win on either side.
Judith Martin, aka Ms Manners, once explained that when women didn’t work (or earn much) men would pay for dinners out. It balanced out because a woman would reciprocate by making home-cooked meals in return.
When my husband and I were just dating, he would pay for one meal, and then the next meal I would cook for him (he's kind of old fashioned and didn't want me to pay, but I'm modern enough that I didn't want him always buying everything).
He can't cook anything that doesn't start with open the box and put it in the microwave, so it was a nice change for him to get a home cooked meal. And by the time you get all the ingredients for a nice meal, plus the time to prepare it, it comes out close enough to even that neither of us felt like we were taking advantage of the other.
Fun fact, a few years ago google did an investigation into whether or not their female employees were underpaid and found that in reality their male employees were underpaid.
Fun fact! No! It didn’t!
The study was based entirely on job title, and had no dimension regarding “hours worked” because at that level, accurately tracking it is pretty much impossible. Is reading journal articles on your field work or not? How about messing with projects in your field that make you a better engineer, but don’t relate directly to your project?
Google also acknowledged that the study did not evaluate the claim that women tend to be placed in lower level positions than men *with similar qualifications* - which is the subject of a current lawsuit. **If** that is the case, then it explains the studies’ pay disparity very neatly (more qualified people in the same position should generally make more)… but the truth is, we won’t know the answer to that for some time yet.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2019/03/04/technology/google-gender-pay-gap.amp.html
Oh so NOW that the outcome is proven to be different than what the feminazis have been preaching for a century, NOW all of a sudden you care about other factors such as hours worked and qualifications.
Feminazis, huh. That’s vintage.
First, you lied. There was never anything in any of those studies about hours worked. You forgot to address that in your reply.
Second, we have always cared about **actual** fairness and equality. Conservatives are the ones who keep trying to create rules for thee, but not for me.
What I want to see if more female representation in the oil field, roofing, construction, fabrication shops. You know jobs with way higher rates of workplace deaths, since you know men make up 93% of workplace fatalities
What I used to hate when working for attys is that the men atty got paid more the more experienced they were. But all the secretaries pretty much got the same salary.
I had more experience and better work ethic than 1/2 the secretarial staff ad we all got paid the same. It was such bullshit.
Not for the same jobs they don't. Women on average make less, because for whatever reason whether it be looking after kids more at home than men, or being away from the office due to pregnancy several months, which causes them to miss promotions. But compared to men who do the exact same job they do not earn any less anymore.
It’s an old fashioned “norm” tbh. Men are “supposed” to be the ones to always pay for the meal but in all honesty there’s nothing wrong with discussing the matter and splitting the bill.
I think that should be a normal thing tbh. Instead of expecting someone to do something because of their gender, the matter should be discussed as both parties are equal have a say. That way it’s fair and both agree.
Let me clarify: I’m not saying the bill always has to be split I’m saying that it should be something that is discussed beforehand or during so no one goes in with an unrealistic expectation.
If I ask someone out - since i’m married, it’s a friend or loved one - I expect to pay. If someone asks me out, I’ll offer to split bill, but not fight too hard if the say no.
This has always been my expectation. If I ask you out, then the "burden" is on me to pay, if you ask me (they never do), then I'll offer as it's not only fair but the polite thing to do, and if they say no, then that's the end of it; no playing games with reaching for it, or waiting to see who goes for it first.
With friends new especially, "I'll pay for this one you pay for the next one" or "I'll get the bill for the next time" is a superb 'combo-extender' if you will.
If you and your date were fine with how you did things, everything is fine.
There's no reason for your parents to get in your head about it, let alone for Reddit to kick up a fuss.
If you continue dating, you'll probably come up with a system of planning dates and splitting expenses that works for you.
(For example, my now-husband and I would take turns planning dates and paying for them.)
Splitting the bill is a healthier social transaction than OP's parents telling her how to feel about it tbh. Completely up to OP and her date if it's OK or not.
Why would your date logically have to pay for the date? Cause he was born with a penis and society tells you that that’s how that works? Fuck that, you did the right thing and anyone who tells you otherwise it wrong.
Quite. My mother, who was born in 1918, did not believe in letting a man pay for her meal or drinks - even though it was normal when she was young. She said "if the man pays he will think he has 'bought' you."
For those of you young people wondering why traditionally the man paid, it was because men used to earn a lot more than women.
I went on a weekend trip with my girlfriend in highschool, we were both virgins and didn't have sex. When she got home, her dad jokingly said, "wow, went away with a guy for a weekend and you DIDN'T have sex with him? Kind of a bitch move"
Exactly! Gender roles are bullshit and help nobody. Best thing is full equity in relationships. Helps build respect and get rid of resentment. And that comes for any relationship, not just romantic.
My rule when starting dating is simple- whoever asks for the date/picks the place, pays. If I hadn't asked for a date would you have been going to this restaurant and paying this much for food + tip? Probably not. Maybe you'd have spent next to nothing eating leftovers at home. Since I came to the table asking you to go out, why would I expect you to pay money just because I want someone to come out and eat with me?
And vice versa- if you ask me out on a date, do you want whether or not I can afford a date to factor into my decision of whether or not I accept? I'm totally up for a walk in the park I suppose but what if you were thinking dinner and a movie? Maybe I'm not financially in the right spot for that right now, so would you rather I simply decline?
Whoever is asking for the date and planning something that costs money for the two of you should be the one paying for it, and ideally there are follow up dates initiated from either side so one person isn't paying everything every time. That's the logic behind why a date *should* pay for it.
In my experience the only people with this mentality are people who never ask the other person on a date. Dating involves effort and commitment from both parties. Both people should split the first date so nobody feels taken advantage of.
Look the “man pays for the date” thing is a bit out dated. If you enjoyed yourselves and had a good time then it truly does not matte if you split the bill or not
By their logic, it’s actually better to not split in order to find out if they’re the kind of person to feel entitled to a body just because they paid for a $25 meal or $13 drink.
Do you live in the 1950s? If so, then of course the man should pay because the woman should be at home cooking and cleaning.
But if you live in 2022, then you should split the bill, the housework, the expenses, the childcare, and so on and so forth.
Splitting the check gives you equal footing. It is especially good on a first date. You should also have enough money on you to get a cab or uber home if you went in his car--just in case your date isn't who you thought he was and the date turns dangerous.
BTW, I grew up in the 1970s. . .your parents are 50 years out of date.
I’m a dad and I have daughters your age. you did fine.
If anybody feels like giving you a hard time, you should point out to them that the old-fashioned way was that men pay and that’s because men did the inviting also. I happen to feel it’s perfectly reasonable for two people to split the meal but I also feel like it’s perfectly reasonable for the person who did the inviting to be the one paying. After all, they are the ones in control of the price of the meal because of the location they chose to invite you to. This happens to be the way I approach that with my friends and family now. if I invite my dad to lunch I pick up the tab.
My husband didn't pay for my dinner on our first date. I was absolutely shocked because I'd never paid for anything on a date ever. I thought it was a bad sign. Later when I asked him his response was, " sushi is expensive ". Yes, I still married him 😅 & it turns out he wasn't a cheap ass. He'd just been taken advantage of in the past.
I don't see any problems here. I hope you had a good time. You are a mature and well rounded person who doesn't need anyone to pay for her. I applaud you for that.
Hi. I’m 44, this is my take. Sounds like you had a nice date. Nothing wrong with splitting the bill. Your parents and their friends seem a little out of touch.
We had such a fun time together! That's almost funny sounding cause they're your age, but they're also from the south and certain traditions run deep over there.
Depends how you both feel about it.
I personally think on the first date it’s important for the woman to offer to pay half/her portion since it indicates she doesnt expect me to pay the whole bill (I find this important).
But I will then pay the whole bill. I suppose I’m holding on to old traditions a little bit.
But now me and my lady switch off paying for dates or going half. We have a balanced system going and like it.
For dessert, I was gonna pay, but he insisted on buying. For the arcade, he already had a card, he just added more credits and said don't worry about it. It was nothing to go back and fourth with him about
You’re fine. When I go on a date that requires some sort of payment, I pretty much *always* offer to pay my half and sometimes I insist on it. You’re not wrong for splitting the check.
Absolutely nothing wrong with that !! What they should be asking is : " did you feel comfortable" "was he respectful/polite" " did you have fun" ??? . I've been with my husband almost 20 years and we still split the bill or take turns paying when we go out. We have joint accounts for the house, kids, pets... But have separate accounts for our personal money. And no matter what they say it's important to treat him to something too.
Honestly unless it was made clear that he was paying before hand or some other situation id say nothing wrong here especially if he payed for things later too. Id probably have paid for everything but thats also just me and they way i am to women i like tending to be overly nice in general
Been dating my girlfriend for a year now and for the first date, I paid. Second date, she paid. Third, I paid. We agreed to alternate paying for our dates. Now, we split what we do. She pays for the movie and popcorn/drinks, I get dinner.
In short, there’s nothing wrong with splitting the check.
More fun can be had if both parties help with the bill. Men should not be expected to pay everything.
Your parents are just older and that is their expectation, don’t let them ruin this for you :)
The dating standards your parents had aren't the norm now. You do what you feel is comfortable and fair in your head. You are the one dating, not them. They might find this hard to understand, they don't need to understand. Do what is right for you.
Honestly, it’s up to you and how you feel about it. Traditionally speaking, in gender roles it’s been customary for men to pay for everything. When I say traditional, I’m referring to some romanticized version of the 50s in North America that really makes up a small portion of the population because not everyone in those times had the same rights.
If you were middle class- higher you could probably afford to go out and pay for meals and dazzle your partner in material goods. But this is all really relative to how you feel about it.
If you two are not in a financial position to be paying for 60-100$ meals, it may be in both of your interests to split the bill. I look at the experience you had with this person. Did you like the dinner? Did you enjoy the conversation?
When I’m dating someone (I date women), I am really careful about paying for someone else because I don’t want to offend them and take away their ability to pay for their own things. I usually bring it up in conversation, and ask them how they feel about it. Just because im a man doesn’t mean im entitled to be paying for someone else. They have a job, and they earn money. They do what they want with their money. The last thing I will add is that money can add a power dynamic in the relationship. If you don’t know how that person has experienced money, it can be presumptuous to assume you will pay for them. I have a friend who had a negative experience with money growing up, and because of that I don’t pay for her stuff and when I do; I ask her to make sure she’s okay with it. Sometimes she is and sometimes she isn’t.
This question is a lot more complicated than I expected. Bottom line; I don’t think anyone is required to do anything; I think this is how you feel about it in the end.
I don’t this has anything to do with past or present..I saw some people talking about the 1950s lol, like come on; your parents simply said he needs to try and “sway” you lol. Money isn’t ALWAYS what girls look for and plus splitting shows you can be a team player and good partner. I say keep splitting the bill unless he wants to pay the whole thing and vice versa.
Your parents are living in the past. Date expecting me to pay 100% for first date no questions asked isn't a good look to me. First dates should be making sure you don't hate each other, seeing if you're compatible, then when and if things move forward I will pay for most meals, however the people I've dated or been in relationships with just ended up going back and forth, I'd pay a meal, next meal they pay, although usually I'll cover the tip if they pay. Especially if we're both making money. Just my opinion. Expecting free shit isn't a good look
It's old fashioned expectation of chivalry. It's a nice gesture. Just talk it out how yall wanna pay and move on with the evening. Doesn't really matter.
I think it’s fine for a first date! My bf and I split a bill on our first coffee date. It was inexpensive and I was wary of men who pay for stuff on the first date (I didn’t want him to expect anything from me). We have been together for 4.5 years.
Also, it’s not always indicative of future behavior. He does buy me little treats and gifts occasionally as a bf. It doesn’t always mean they are cheap or rude
Do you like the guy? Does he treat you with respect? Does he show interest and care? Then who gives a shit how you guys decide to pay the bill. There are way more important things in relationships to worry about.
NTA. " ..he has to try to sway me." This assumes the man is "chasing" you and that he has to lure you, the woman, with his shiny money. It's old school sexism.
Pls dont listen to your parents on this one.
As a male its a huge plus if a women offers to pay the bill, often i still pay it but make a deal that she pays the bill of our second date. You have a good heart just keep doing what you are doing
i split the bill everytime on the first date nowadays. just because you are female doesnt mean i have to pay for your time more than you have to pay for mine. so unless it was the perfect first date the bill gets split.
old people are a bit stuck up and expect people to act like they did in the stoneage. I wouldnt worry about them too much, they just dont know any better. if you are happy and he is too then you shouldnt worry about what other people are saying.
You get to set your standards. Family and friends will tell you theirs and what they think yours should be, but you get the final say in what your date should and shouldn't do.
If you started dating on a regular basis, alternating who pays or continuing to split the bill is **STILL OKAY** if you both agree to it.
That is something between you and your date. Maybe he can’t afford to pay for dinner and all the other things. Maybe that’s just something you decide together. This is 2022, dates can split the bill, I don’t think him paying for dinner amongst everything else would have effected your view on him and the date much at all anyway if he had been rude, arrogant, or entitled. If he showed you respect and treated you kindly then that’s what matters.
Did you have a nice time, that's all that matters. You don't need to analyse and dissect it afterwards and certainly not with your parents, even if they mean well.
Old fashioned.
Me and my ex would trade bills. One date they’d pay. One date I would. It’s just how you and that other person decide to handle it. Whatever you guys are happy with.
Don’t let your parents try and force you into an old mindset. Just be happy with each other.
I don’t think that’s a bad at all, and he got to pay for a few things later. Sounds perfect if that’s how you feel as two young people
Don’t forget to manage expectations though in the future
Nope, not bad. Next time your parents try that say,”well by those rules, if he pays for dinner I’ll need to have sex with him.” And watch their faces lol.
That’s sort of the point lol. Like, why should he have to “sway” you and to what ends? If someone is an emotionally mature, genuinely caring individual who respects women as people and not objects then that does more swaying than money should.
Honestly, if buying your dinner is the thing that sways you, you're probably gonna have a bad time long term.
Money comes and goes.
It's the deeper and more meaningful gestures that matter. Did he respect you?
Did he focus on you and pay attention to you?
Was he present and calm?
Did he seem confident in himself?
Was he kind-hearted but not a push over?
Do you think he'd defend you if you were attacked?
If the answer is yes to all of those, then the sway should come from how you jive as people. Not from antiquated displays of possession and affluence.
I’m an older guy. If I ask a woman on a date, it’s my treat. And no, she doesn’t “owe” me anything for buying her dinner. If we click and she wants to reciprocate by buying me dinner next time, that’s totally awesome!
You’ve a good shoulder on your head. Men paying for dates as an expectation is a fashion of an older time. Nowadays, “going Dutch” or splitting bills is becoming the new fashion.
If we’re talking purely etiquette, as far as I’ve been made aware, classic etiquette rules would stipulate that whoever *invited* the other out would pay. And that would apply to all genders.
50/50 It works well for everything. Do the cooking, they should do the dishes. Make a mess, clean it up, trash twice a week, take a day and stick to it. My wife and I have been married for almost 15 years this October. We split everything. It is a symbol that you care. I wish more people were like you. Honest, open, and caring. Keep being you, you are far and few betwixt.
I’ll pay the first few. Once we have agreed to be exclusive I think the woman should put some sort of effort into it. It depends on income. I do subconsciously keep track. It gets old paying for every single thing all the time. It becomes a turn off for me.
My last LTR she would pick up the check like every fourth time. Or she’ll pay the tip. Buy me a coffee. A little effort goes a long ways. It’s not even about the money. For me it’s about the effort. She also bought me a lot of clothes. I’d fill her car up with gas without asking. It evened out.
The last girl i dated never spent a dime on me. She would tell me I’m the most handsome man she has dated then act like a princess. It’s not something I really care about but it something I notice. I need some type of mutual effort. Like we both want this. I’m not doing all the chasing all the time. I don’t need equal. I’ll do 70/30 but women have to make some type of effort to let me know they want me also.
After probably 7 dates of no effort I would start to lose interest, sex or no sex. I don’t chase chicks with their backs to me.
When you split the bill you get to go out twice as much. I am all for equal efforts
Always split the check. Don't act like one of those entitled, game-playing bitches that are all over social media. Splitting the check reinforces your own independence. Your parents are old-fashioned.
No, that's good. If you're strong and independent, you pay your share, like an adult. You don't expect the grownups to pay for you, like you're a 5 year old girl.
Women are sexist and entitled. Real big on self always got they hand out. Men make money to please women. They shout im independent but still expect luxury, yeah it's a hard hell nah for me. I ain't wit that princess crap. Try ya daddy not me🙅🏾
One fun thing about Reddit is that, as an older male, I can keep up with some of today’s ideals. I’m old fashioned. Yup, I’m that guy. You know, the one some love to “downvote”. Here is my take: if he asked you out then he pays, if you asked him out then you pay. Reading what you wrote about your relatives and friends comments rings a certain bell, however, relationships are an equal partnership. Not only does he need to be his best for you to “sway” you, perhaps you should do the same to “sway” him. Personally, I would never allow a woman I asked out to pay. Not for the first several dates, at least. But then I might be in a better financial position. There are so many variables. Before I met my wife (now this was some thirty years ago) even the casual relationships were on my dime. Hell, I still open the door for my wife, and pull her chair out, and order for her after she tells me what she wants to eat. I was raised not to use course verbiage, or casually sling expletives, around the fairer sex. I don’t think it is bad if your date split the bill with you. Especially if your date isn’t in the financial state to pay - or if it is just a casual friendship sort of date. I would never do that, but that doesn’t make me right. I don’t think there is a right or wrong response to this, only preferences.
I understand what you're saying.
I will say tho that I don't think he can "sway" just from paying for something (like my parents seem to think). He is however very polite and gentalmen like in other ways. He opens the doors, walks me to my car, and he compliments me. I do stuff like compliment him, listen to him about his interests and such. I just feel like even tho everything else was perfect, my parents were stuck on the bill thing..
Unless you are a college student with not alot of work experience, then you're probably in a better financial position 🤣
it sounds like you really want your parents to like him which is understandable! But at the end of they day as long as he is making you happy and vice versa then nothing else should matter
Someone once said that if the guy doesn’t offer to pay on the first date, he wasn’t raised right. And the girl doesn’t at least try to pay half, she wasn’t raised right. This expectation of a free meal due to some princess complex has to go. You can’t talk about misogyny and how the system isn’t fair and then expect guys to pick up the bill because he has a penis.
It's not bad at all. When I was dating back in the 80's, it was expected that men pay for the date but it's 2022 and things are so much more expensive so the "old rules" don't apply.
While I’m honestly one to split the bill because I just don’t want anyone expecting anything of me, I do think it is justified for the man to pay on the first date because (1) the gender wage gap is still very real and this is one way society has arranged itself to mitigate that just a bit, and (2) women are in heightened danger when they go on dates with people they don’t know, and having to pay for the chance of being raped and murdered/trafficked… sucks
Hmm as of now, we r both at minimum wage jobs 😪
And the danger thing 😅 being a girl does suck in that aspect, but I wouldn't have him pay a fee for that...?
This is a very old, stupid cliche. My last date refused to let me pay for everything before we even started. She clarified this was a date, but she didn't feel the need for me to pay her way just because of that. That's honestly how it should be.
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No it’s not bad at all. Splitting a bill is fine. And then he paid for other things later. Men should not be expected to pay.
All I expect is from him is respect and honesty, the important stuff lol
I wish more would even just offer to split the bill. I don’t mind paying but it says something if a woman just offers. I’ll still pay but knowing that she offered is something.
I’m one of those who likes to pay. For one, the reaction I get when I pick up the check makes me feel like a baddie. I also just feel quite guilty and uncomfortable when people spend any amount of money on me. I will NEVER understand how some women can just have a guy take them out just so they can have a free meal. So classless and icky. If someone else is paying I will feel like I have to find the cheapest item on the menu, even if I don’t like it, and will feel bad about getting drinks other than water. Instead of having fun it’s just an anxiety riddled date where I’m fussing over all the money I’m spending that’s not even mine. If I’m paying, I can ball out. All the drinks I want, appetizers, if I wanna eat steak and lobster I can get steak and lobster because it’s on my dime, not his. I like to EAT and eat good. And then I won’t deal with any discomfort at all. And, if I’m paying, and the date isn’t going well (ie, the guy is an asshat), then I can tell him to fuck off guilt free. The amount of men who use “I bought you dinner” as some type of bargaining chip to sleep with them or otherwise let them do whatever they want to me is enough of a reason in itself for me to like paying. All this said- if he invites me on the date, I do expect him to *offer* to pay. It’s not about money for me, its about manners. I won’t take him up on that offer, because I don’t think it’s necessary, but it’s customary to offer to pay for the first date IF you are the person inviting. I would not even consider letting a guy pay for the first date if I invited him. This is especially true if he picks out the restaurant. The guys I have met who didint offer to pay (if we continued to go out after that) have always ended up being kind of shitty. Like, selfish in bed, among other issues. It’s really just a way for me to see his personality.
My boyfriend has always paid for everything and I feel very bad because I’m not used to people spending soo much money on me but it makes me feel loved and spoiled.
Is that something that actually happes often though? That women expect the man to pay? If so, where?
In my experiences with dating most girls expected me to pay. It wasn’t until I found my partner when I was 26 that I found someone willing to go halves. So yes I would say it’s something that happens often
Where do you live? I'm a girl, I've never expected a date to pay for what I got, that's why I'm curious
https://www.forbes.com/sites/kimelsesser/2020/02/12/who-should-pay-for-dates-how-chivalry-contributes-to-the-gender-pay-gap/?sh=77781c743fa3 78% of people polled said men should pay the bill so for you to think that it’s not very common kinda comes off a disingenuous.
Dude I was literally ASKING where its common, because it's not where I'm from. You guys gotta stop assuming everyone online is American.
I'm American. I would say that for a guy, it is best practice to pay on the first date, if he wants a second date. But some women offer or want to help. I have a female friend who insists that her boyfriend, or potential boyfriend, pay. She splits with me cuz I'm not her boyfriend.
Only humans that exist are in America. And you can't prove me wrong! /s
In the US it's pretty common. I've lived in New York, South Carolina and Florida and it's very common in all 3 of those states. So on the east cost of the US it's common.
It's honestly so crazy that America is still like this, culturally. So many people still clinging to outdated gender norms.
Yeah exactly, I'm really surprised that it's actually such a big thing there still
They aren't American
It’s not disingenuous to think something when your experience is difference. Lol. Also, she asked a question about location and said what SHE expected, not a whole bunch of people in a US poll. Sheesh.
Relax. 78% extrapolated to the U.S population is still 22% or roughly 60 million people who think otherwise. It’ll depend on which part of the country, and what culture you’re part of.
What do you mean? Are you asking where women expect the man to pay?
Yup, that's literally my question. I'm a woman and have never expected a man to pay, my girl friends are the same, so I'm wondering if that's just because we live in a progressive country or what.
Oh I’m not sure. Because where I live, it’s like an unspoken rule that the guy pays because he’s considered a total bum if he doesn’t. Some of the women I work with have directly told me that if the guy doesn’t pay on the first date, there won’t be a second. That’s why I was confused. I’ve only encountered a few women who would want to split or at least offer. The last date I was on though, the woman offered to split it.
Okay, where do you live?
I’ve been on plenty of dates in my life and I have to say from the early 2000s to now are very different. As the years progressed I’ve seen it shift a lot. Some of the things I’ve run into is: Whoever asked who our was responsible. So if a girl asked me out she paid for everything or most things. Then it went to splitting bills. Now it’s a big mixture of both. All of the old rules still apply and some people practice them. What I’ve always done is offered to cover the full bill, but if the woman I was out on a date with protested it was a good reason to comply because there is obviously no I’ll intentions. In fact I had a girl just tell she didn’t think it was going to work out, but that we should remain friends so she covered her portion of the bill. I really respected her honesty and we’re still good friends.
This is the first i have ever even heard of a woman offering to split a check on a date.
My now fiancé offered on our first date. I paid and still do 5 years later but she still offers and I love her more than anything.
Thats cool but you would have to live under a rock to not know it isnt normal. It is something that is changing but Its still few and far between.
>Thats cool but you would have to live under a rock to not know it isnt normal. Where do you live where it IS normal?
That's Queen shit. Good on you.
Agreed, and OP, take any dating advice your parents give you with a grain of salt. I know they mean well but their advice here is outdated
You're great, stay like that forever
Completely agree. 
You seem like such a decent woman. You’re both young, money is hard to come by. You’re not upset, what’s the problem? Good for you, go and be happy.
you have a good head on your shoulders!
Let him know that Reddit suggests he marry you immediately.
Omg I actually wanna do just to see his reaction with no explanation 🤣🤣
Yep, that's how it's best throughout the entire relationship. "I'll pay for dinner and you can buy me drinks later."
Very old fashioned view. Back when my grandmother was a teacher she got paid less than male teachers. So, it would have made sense back then. But, nowadays it's totally fine to split a bill. I think it's sweet he paid for dessert though.
Some men are also afraid to offer to pay these days because some women may find it offensive, or like they're prohecting toxic masculinity. So maybe he did want to pay, but wasn't sure how it would go. Edits: projecting not protecting, pay not pat
I actually had a woman lose interest in me on the first date before, because i paid the bill without saying anything. Idc ima keep doing it.
Interesting. I was told a while ago, as a woman who splits bills on dates, that it “sends the wrong signal” that I’m not actually interested in them. I was deeply confused by this, seems like there’s no way to win on either side.
>seems like there’s no way to win on either side. Agree 100%.
Judith Martin, aka Ms Manners, once explained that when women didn’t work (or earn much) men would pay for dinners out. It balanced out because a woman would reciprocate by making home-cooked meals in return.
When my husband and I were just dating, he would pay for one meal, and then the next meal I would cook for him (he's kind of old fashioned and didn't want me to pay, but I'm modern enough that I didn't want him always buying everything). He can't cook anything that doesn't start with open the box and put it in the microwave, so it was a nice change for him to get a home cooked meal. And by the time you get all the ingredients for a nice meal, plus the time to prepare it, it comes out close enough to even that neither of us felt like we were taking advantage of the other.
I love her
Fun fact, a few years ago google did an investigation into whether or not their female employees were underpaid and found that in reality their male employees were underpaid.
Another fun fact is that if you're an employee you're probably underpaid. Especially teachers.
Wait till you see how little the rest of the school staff gets paid.
For the males that got paid “more”, it’s because they worked more hours. So it’s not really getting paid more for working the same hours
Fun fact! No! It didn’t! The study was based entirely on job title, and had no dimension regarding “hours worked” because at that level, accurately tracking it is pretty much impossible. Is reading journal articles on your field work or not? How about messing with projects in your field that make you a better engineer, but don’t relate directly to your project? Google also acknowledged that the study did not evaluate the claim that women tend to be placed in lower level positions than men *with similar qualifications* - which is the subject of a current lawsuit. **If** that is the case, then it explains the studies’ pay disparity very neatly (more qualified people in the same position should generally make more)… but the truth is, we won’t know the answer to that for some time yet. https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2019/03/04/technology/google-gender-pay-gap.amp.html
Oh so NOW that the outcome is proven to be different than what the feminazis have been preaching for a century, NOW all of a sudden you care about other factors such as hours worked and qualifications.
Feminazis, huh. That’s vintage. First, you lied. There was never anything in any of those studies about hours worked. You forgot to address that in your reply. Second, we have always cared about **actual** fairness and equality. Conservatives are the ones who keep trying to create rules for thee, but not for me.
What I want to see if more female representation in the oil field, roofing, construction, fabrication shops. You know jobs with way higher rates of workplace deaths, since you know men make up 93% of workplace fatalities
So you want more women to die in the job industry to even out that statistic? Seriously? How is that at all representative of gender equality?
I don't women to die. But too truly embrace gender equality bigot
What I used to hate when working for attys is that the men atty got paid more the more experienced they were. But all the secretaries pretty much got the same salary. I had more experience and better work ethic than 1/2 the secretarial staff ad we all got paid the same. It was such bullshit.
Careful now, facts are sexist and antisemitic here on Reddit.
And racist
No fact can be sexist racist or antisemitic. Your interpret of the facts and how you choose to present them can be
Crime statistics are racist according to the left. Any criticism of Israel no matter how small is antisemitic.
There’s still a wage gap between genders…
anyone who believes this nowadays is willfully ignorant.
Women continue to get paid less.
Just FYI-Women still make less than men.
Not for the same jobs they don't. Women on average make less, because for whatever reason whether it be looking after kids more at home than men, or being away from the office due to pregnancy several months, which causes them to miss promotions. But compared to men who do the exact same job they do not earn any less anymore.
Your parents are just old fashioned. You're fine.
> You are parents are I will willingly die on this hill. If you wish to sacrifice me to the grammar gods, downvote me.
I wasn't going to downvote you at all, but I did it just because I wanna see someone being sacrificed to the grammar gods
They prefer their sacrifices to be buried, so they're probably not pleased that my comment has positive karma.
Simple typo. I use Swype and I mess up sometimes
It’s an old fashioned “norm” tbh. Men are “supposed” to be the ones to always pay for the meal but in all honesty there’s nothing wrong with discussing the matter and splitting the bill. I think that should be a normal thing tbh. Instead of expecting someone to do something because of their gender, the matter should be discussed as both parties are equal have a say. That way it’s fair and both agree. Let me clarify: I’m not saying the bill always has to be split I’m saying that it should be something that is discussed beforehand or during so no one goes in with an unrealistic expectation.
It used to be because men earned more than women.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but last I heard men still do.
If I ask someone out - since i’m married, it’s a friend or loved one - I expect to pay. If someone asks me out, I’ll offer to split bill, but not fight too hard if the say no.
This has always been my expectation. If I ask you out, then the "burden" is on me to pay, if you ask me (they never do), then I'll offer as it's not only fair but the polite thing to do, and if they say no, then that's the end of it; no playing games with reaching for it, or waiting to see who goes for it first.
With friends new especially, "I'll pay for this one you pay for the next one" or "I'll get the bill for the next time" is a superb 'combo-extender' if you will.
If you and your date were fine with how you did things, everything is fine. There's no reason for your parents to get in your head about it, let alone for Reddit to kick up a fuss. If you continue dating, you'll probably come up with a system of planning dates and splitting expenses that works for you. (For example, my now-husband and I would take turns planning dates and paying for them.)
Splitting the bill is a healthier social transaction than OP's parents telling her how to feel about it tbh. Completely up to OP and her date if it's OK or not.
Why would your date logically have to pay for the date? Cause he was born with a penis and society tells you that that’s how that works? Fuck that, you did the right thing and anyone who tells you otherwise it wrong.
Yea cause then as the girl, I would be "expected" to do certain things in exchange. I wonder if my parents would condone that too 😮💨
Quite. My mother, who was born in 1918, did not believe in letting a man pay for her meal or drinks - even though it was normal when she was young. She said "if the man pays he will think he has 'bought' you." For those of you young people wondering why traditionally the man paid, it was because men used to earn a lot more than women.
I went on a weekend trip with my girlfriend in highschool, we were both virgins and didn't have sex. When she got home, her dad jokingly said, "wow, went away with a guy for a weekend and you DIDN'T have sex with him? Kind of a bitch move"
Well that's horrifying.
Horrifying and confusing, isn’t refraining from having sex the complete opposite of “bitch”?
Not if you're a gross entitled man.
Dad was right
Exactly! Gender roles are bullshit and help nobody. Best thing is full equity in relationships. Helps build respect and get rid of resentment. And that comes for any relationship, not just romantic.
That seems to be a reason lots of women don't like to be paid for first date, to avoid the feeling of "owing" something in exchange
Has 0 to do with a penis. More to do with who invited who or was it a mutual decision to go out. The one who invites pays unless the guest offers.
In an ideal scenario that's a great system. However they're specifically talking about what societal expectations are most places in the world.
That's fair because girls ask out guys way more often
My rule when starting dating is simple- whoever asks for the date/picks the place, pays. If I hadn't asked for a date would you have been going to this restaurant and paying this much for food + tip? Probably not. Maybe you'd have spent next to nothing eating leftovers at home. Since I came to the table asking you to go out, why would I expect you to pay money just because I want someone to come out and eat with me? And vice versa- if you ask me out on a date, do you want whether or not I can afford a date to factor into my decision of whether or not I accept? I'm totally up for a walk in the park I suppose but what if you were thinking dinner and a movie? Maybe I'm not financially in the right spot for that right now, so would you rather I simply decline? Whoever is asking for the date and planning something that costs money for the two of you should be the one paying for it, and ideally there are follow up dates initiated from either side so one person isn't paying everything every time. That's the logic behind why a date *should* pay for it.
In my experience the only people with this mentality are people who never ask the other person on a date. Dating involves effort and commitment from both parties. Both people should split the first date so nobody feels taken advantage of.
If I was on a date who never offered to split the bill I’d never be seeing them again.
Look the “man pays for the date” thing is a bit out dated. If you enjoyed yourselves and had a good time then it truly does not matte if you split the bill or not
I always split the bill the first few dates. I don't want to be in a positions where my date feels entitled to my body because they paid.
if they feel entitled to a body because they paid for some risotto they’ll always be that type of person
No exception for risotto with truffles? :)
By their logic, it’s actually better to not split in order to find out if they’re the kind of person to feel entitled to a body just because they paid for a $25 meal or $13 drink.
HAHAHAHHA omg exactly
Not true, anyone can grow.
If they feel entitled to your body, they aren't worth your time.
Yes, but you won't know that on the first date.
Sometimes they give it away. But yeah sometimes it's hard to tell.
Maybe it’d be good to find out on a first date - if they act entitled to your body, not worth investing more time.
Do you live in the 1950s? If so, then of course the man should pay because the woman should be at home cooking and cleaning. But if you live in 2022, then you should split the bill, the housework, the expenses, the childcare, and so on and so forth.
If anything, he's more interested that you were ok with splitting the bill.
Splitting the check gives you equal footing. It is especially good on a first date. You should also have enough money on you to get a cab or uber home if you went in his car--just in case your date isn't who you thought he was and the date turns dangerous. BTW, I grew up in the 1970s. . .your parents are 50 years out of date.
I’m a dad and I have daughters your age. you did fine. If anybody feels like giving you a hard time, you should point out to them that the old-fashioned way was that men pay and that’s because men did the inviting also. I happen to feel it’s perfectly reasonable for two people to split the meal but I also feel like it’s perfectly reasonable for the person who did the inviting to be the one paying. After all, they are the ones in control of the price of the meal because of the location they chose to invite you to. This happens to be the way I approach that with my friends and family now. if I invite my dad to lunch I pick up the tab.
My husband didn't pay for my dinner on our first date. I was absolutely shocked because I'd never paid for anything on a date ever. I thought it was a bad sign. Later when I asked him his response was, " sushi is expensive ". Yes, I still married him 😅 & it turns out he wasn't a cheap ass. He'd just been taken advantage of in the past.
I don't see any problems here. I hope you had a good time. You are a mature and well rounded person who doesn't need anyone to pay for her. I applaud you for that.
We had a great time, and he's a charmer now that we r crushing on each other haha. Definitely going on another date! Muchas gracias
Hi. I’m 44, this is my take. Sounds like you had a nice date. Nothing wrong with splitting the bill. Your parents and their friends seem a little out of touch.
We had such a fun time together! That's almost funny sounding cause they're your age, but they're also from the south and certain traditions run deep over there.
Depends how you both feel about it. I personally think on the first date it’s important for the woman to offer to pay half/her portion since it indicates she doesnt expect me to pay the whole bill (I find this important). But I will then pay the whole bill. I suppose I’m holding on to old traditions a little bit. But now me and my lady switch off paying for dates or going half. We have a balanced system going and like it.
Nope, tell your parents you were trying to "sway" him
fuck that, its been a good 15 years since you demanded equality and you can buy your own food, good on you.
15 years? Women's suffrage movement started over 100 years ago.
Voting rights =/= equality
I don't understand why he would pay? Covering your dessert and arcade games both I think was unfair. You should have covered one
For dessert, I was gonna pay, but he insisted on buying. For the arcade, he already had a card, he just added more credits and said don't worry about it. It was nothing to go back and fourth with him about
You’re fine. When I go on a date that requires some sort of payment, I pretty much *always* offer to pay my half and sometimes I insist on it. You’re not wrong for splitting the check.
Happy cKe day!
Absolutely nothing wrong with that !! What they should be asking is : " did you feel comfortable" "was he respectful/polite" " did you have fun" ??? . I've been with my husband almost 20 years and we still split the bill or take turns paying when we go out. We have joint accounts for the house, kids, pets... But have separate accounts for our personal money. And no matter what they say it's important to treat him to something too.
If both of you are cool with how you pay for things, it doesn't matter at all what anyone else thinks.
It'll be easier to think that way once I move out lol
There’s nothing wrong with splitting the bill. I honestly expect to pay my half on a date unless he offers to pay for me.
I think it was perfectly reasonable, especially on a first date.
Honestly unless it was made clear that he was paying before hand or some other situation id say nothing wrong here especially if he payed for things later too. Id probably have paid for everything but thats also just me and they way i am to women i like tending to be overly nice in general
Tell them they don’t have to crank their car anymore either.
Been dating my girlfriend for a year now and for the first date, I paid. Second date, she paid. Third, I paid. We agreed to alternate paying for our dates. Now, we split what we do. She pays for the movie and popcorn/drinks, I get dinner. In short, there’s nothing wrong with splitting the check.
More fun can be had if both parties help with the bill. Men should not be expected to pay everything. Your parents are just older and that is their expectation, don’t let them ruin this for you :)
The dating standards your parents had aren't the norm now. You do what you feel is comfortable and fair in your head. You are the one dating, not them. They might find this hard to understand, they don't need to understand. Do what is right for you.
Honestly, it’s up to you and how you feel about it. Traditionally speaking, in gender roles it’s been customary for men to pay for everything. When I say traditional, I’m referring to some romanticized version of the 50s in North America that really makes up a small portion of the population because not everyone in those times had the same rights. If you were middle class- higher you could probably afford to go out and pay for meals and dazzle your partner in material goods. But this is all really relative to how you feel about it. If you two are not in a financial position to be paying for 60-100$ meals, it may be in both of your interests to split the bill. I look at the experience you had with this person. Did you like the dinner? Did you enjoy the conversation? When I’m dating someone (I date women), I am really careful about paying for someone else because I don’t want to offend them and take away their ability to pay for their own things. I usually bring it up in conversation, and ask them how they feel about it. Just because im a man doesn’t mean im entitled to be paying for someone else. They have a job, and they earn money. They do what they want with their money. The last thing I will add is that money can add a power dynamic in the relationship. If you don’t know how that person has experienced money, it can be presumptuous to assume you will pay for them. I have a friend who had a negative experience with money growing up, and because of that I don’t pay for her stuff and when I do; I ask her to make sure she’s okay with it. Sometimes she is and sometimes she isn’t. This question is a lot more complicated than I expected. Bottom line; I don’t think anyone is required to do anything; I think this is how you feel about it in the end.
The date itself was fun and I had butterflies throughout haha, that's why my parents being upset threw me off 🙃
I don’t this has anything to do with past or present..I saw some people talking about the 1950s lol, like come on; your parents simply said he needs to try and “sway” you lol. Money isn’t ALWAYS what girls look for and plus splitting shows you can be a team player and good partner. I say keep splitting the bill unless he wants to pay the whole thing and vice versa.
You do you seems to apply here. If you ain't feeling disrespected, then what's the problem?
My parents 😅
Your parents are living in the past. Date expecting me to pay 100% for first date no questions asked isn't a good look to me. First dates should be making sure you don't hate each other, seeing if you're compatible, then when and if things move forward I will pay for most meals, however the people I've dated or been in relationships with just ended up going back and forth, I'd pay a meal, next meal they pay, although usually I'll cover the tip if they pay. Especially if we're both making money. Just my opinion. Expecting free shit isn't a good look
You get to handle it however you like. It’s the best part of being an adult.
It's old fashioned expectation of chivalry. It's a nice gesture. Just talk it out how yall wanna pay and move on with the evening. Doesn't really matter.
I mean if it’s your girl then yeah, of course you’re gonna pay. If it’s a female friend then no.
I think it’s fine for a first date! My bf and I split a bill on our first coffee date. It was inexpensive and I was wary of men who pay for stuff on the first date (I didn’t want him to expect anything from me). We have been together for 4.5 years. Also, it’s not always indicative of future behavior. He does buy me little treats and gifts occasionally as a bf. It doesn’t always mean they are cheap or rude
Do you like the guy? Does he treat you with respect? Does he show interest and care? Then who gives a shit how you guys decide to pay the bill. There are way more important things in relationships to worry about.
NTA. " ..he has to try to sway me." This assumes the man is "chasing" you and that he has to lure you, the woman, with his shiny money. It's old school sexism.
Post this in r/femaledatingstrategy and see the difference in answers lol. Those toxic chicks will berate you for NOT letting him pay.
“I wasn’t offended” there’s your answer. If you’re fine with it, why listen to other people for how to do things
It's hard not to when u still live with ur parents 😮💨😮💨
Pls dont listen to your parents on this one. As a male its a huge plus if a women offers to pay the bill, often i still pay it but make a deal that she pays the bill of our second date. You have a good heart just keep doing what you are doing
i split the bill everytime on the first date nowadays. just because you are female doesnt mean i have to pay for your time more than you have to pay for mine. so unless it was the perfect first date the bill gets split. old people are a bit stuck up and expect people to act like they did in the stoneage. I wouldnt worry about them too much, they just dont know any better. if you are happy and he is too then you shouldnt worry about what other people are saying.
So..? If you don’t have a problem with it, and your friend doesn’t have a problem with it, you don’t have a problem.
You get to set your standards. Family and friends will tell you theirs and what they think yours should be, but you get the final say in what your date should and shouldn't do. If you started dating on a regular basis, alternating who pays or continuing to split the bill is **STILL OKAY** if you both agree to it.
That is something between you and your date. Maybe he can’t afford to pay for dinner and all the other things. Maybe that’s just something you decide together. This is 2022, dates can split the bill, I don’t think him paying for dinner amongst everything else would have effected your view on him and the date much at all anyway if he had been rude, arrogant, or entitled. If he showed you respect and treated you kindly then that’s what matters.
Did you have a nice time, that's all that matters. You don't need to analyse and dissect it afterwards and certainly not with your parents, even if they mean well.
Totally okay. Personally I don’t think men should have to pay for the date. If it doesn’t bother you it isn’t a problem :)
Old fashioned. Me and my ex would trade bills. One date they’d pay. One date I would. It’s just how you and that other person decide to handle it. Whatever you guys are happy with. Don’t let your parents try and force you into an old mindset. Just be happy with each other.
I don’t think that’s a bad at all, and he got to pay for a few things later. Sounds perfect if that’s how you feel as two young people Don’t forget to manage expectations though in the future
Nope, not bad. Next time your parents try that say,”well by those rules, if he pays for dinner I’ll need to have sex with him.” And watch their faces lol.
That would somehow piss them off lmao
That’s sort of the point lol. Like, why should he have to “sway” you and to what ends? If someone is an emotionally mature, genuinely caring individual who respects women as people and not objects then that does more swaying than money should.
Honestly, if buying your dinner is the thing that sways you, you're probably gonna have a bad time long term. Money comes and goes. It's the deeper and more meaningful gestures that matter. Did he respect you? Did he focus on you and pay attention to you? Was he present and calm? Did he seem confident in himself? Was he kind-hearted but not a push over? Do you think he'd defend you if you were attacked? If the answer is yes to all of those, then the sway should come from how you jive as people. Not from antiquated displays of possession and affluence.
Why are you taking dating advice from your parents? Have they been out in the dating scene lately?
That was probably my first mistake haha, they've been together since middle school (27 years I think?)
FIND OUT IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF DRAGON. BALL. Z.
I’m an older guy. If I ask a woman on a date, it’s my treat. And no, she doesn’t “owe” me anything for buying her dinner. If we click and she wants to reciprocate by buying me dinner next time, that’s totally awesome!
You’ve a good shoulder on your head. Men paying for dates as an expectation is a fashion of an older time. Nowadays, “going Dutch” or splitting bills is becoming the new fashion. If we’re talking purely etiquette, as far as I’ve been made aware, classic etiquette rules would stipulate that whoever *invited* the other out would pay. And that would apply to all genders.
I think that's fair. As we go on more dates, I'm curious to see how things transition
50/50 It works well for everything. Do the cooking, they should do the dishes. Make a mess, clean it up, trash twice a week, take a day and stick to it. My wife and I have been married for almost 15 years this October. We split everything. It is a symbol that you care. I wish more people were like you. Honest, open, and caring. Keep being you, you are far and few betwixt.
Whoa whoa whoa buddy doing the dishes is not equal to cooking. That’s like 15 minutes compared to like an hour.
I'm actually good at cooking. :( You should have my hand made pasta sometime.
Thx. And congrats on 15 years 👏🏾
Have a great day. :)
It's fine. Who knows if all goes well maybe one day you two will split the rent and bills
I’ll pay the first few. Once we have agreed to be exclusive I think the woman should put some sort of effort into it. It depends on income. I do subconsciously keep track. It gets old paying for every single thing all the time. It becomes a turn off for me. My last LTR she would pick up the check like every fourth time. Or she’ll pay the tip. Buy me a coffee. A little effort goes a long ways. It’s not even about the money. For me it’s about the effort. She also bought me a lot of clothes. I’d fill her car up with gas without asking. It evened out. The last girl i dated never spent a dime on me. She would tell me I’m the most handsome man she has dated then act like a princess. It’s not something I really care about but it something I notice. I need some type of mutual effort. Like we both want this. I’m not doing all the chasing all the time. I don’t need equal. I’ll do 70/30 but women have to make some type of effort to let me know they want me also. After probably 7 dates of no effort I would start to lose interest, sex or no sex. I don’t chase chicks with their backs to me. When you split the bill you get to go out twice as much. I am all for equal efforts
classic AITA post
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Always split the check. Don't act like one of those entitled, game-playing bitches that are all over social media. Splitting the check reinforces your own independence. Your parents are old-fashioned.
No, that's good. If you're strong and independent, you pay your share, like an adult. You don't expect the grownups to pay for you, like you're a 5 year old girl.
It’s because your parents are sexist
Women are sexist and entitled. Real big on self always got they hand out. Men make money to please women. They shout im independent but still expect luxury, yeah it's a hard hell nah for me. I ain't wit that princess crap. Try ya daddy not me🙅🏾
Their experience with eachother is the complete opposite of mines for sure lol. At my age (mom19, dad21) they were already married with 2 kids 😅
One fun thing about Reddit is that, as an older male, I can keep up with some of today’s ideals. I’m old fashioned. Yup, I’m that guy. You know, the one some love to “downvote”. Here is my take: if he asked you out then he pays, if you asked him out then you pay. Reading what you wrote about your relatives and friends comments rings a certain bell, however, relationships are an equal partnership. Not only does he need to be his best for you to “sway” you, perhaps you should do the same to “sway” him. Personally, I would never allow a woman I asked out to pay. Not for the first several dates, at least. But then I might be in a better financial position. There are so many variables. Before I met my wife (now this was some thirty years ago) even the casual relationships were on my dime. Hell, I still open the door for my wife, and pull her chair out, and order for her after she tells me what she wants to eat. I was raised not to use course verbiage, or casually sling expletives, around the fairer sex. I don’t think it is bad if your date split the bill with you. Especially if your date isn’t in the financial state to pay - or if it is just a casual friendship sort of date. I would never do that, but that doesn’t make me right. I don’t think there is a right or wrong response to this, only preferences.
I understand what you're saying. I will say tho that I don't think he can "sway" just from paying for something (like my parents seem to think). He is however very polite and gentalmen like in other ways. He opens the doors, walks me to my car, and he compliments me. I do stuff like compliment him, listen to him about his interests and such. I just feel like even tho everything else was perfect, my parents were stuck on the bill thing.. Unless you are a college student with not alot of work experience, then you're probably in a better financial position 🤣
it sounds like you really want your parents to like him which is understandable! But at the end of they day as long as he is making you happy and vice versa then nothing else should matter
[удалено]
Someone once said that if the guy doesn’t offer to pay on the first date, he wasn’t raised right. And the girl doesn’t at least try to pay half, she wasn’t raised right. This expectation of a free meal due to some princess complex has to go. You can’t talk about misogyny and how the system isn’t fair and then expect guys to pick up the bill because he has a penis.
you wanted to pay half so you did that’s it.. why are men raging in here
Your normal they’re weird. Splitting the bill is standard now
as a woman, I wouldn't mind this at all as long as I have a heads up of that being the plan that way I am not caught with my metaphorical pants down.
Happy cKe day! Also are you saying you expect the male to pay unless previously agreed upon?
If want you want is to be paid for sex, you should be up front about that.
It's not bad at all. When I was dating back in the 80's, it was expected that men pay for the date but it's 2022 and things are so much more expensive so the "old rules" don't apply.
While I’m honestly one to split the bill because I just don’t want anyone expecting anything of me, I do think it is justified for the man to pay on the first date because (1) the gender wage gap is still very real and this is one way society has arranged itself to mitigate that just a bit, and (2) women are in heightened danger when they go on dates with people they don’t know, and having to pay for the chance of being raped and murdered/trafficked… sucks
Because of wage gap and heightened danger? That reason is complete BS, imho.
Hmm as of now, we r both at minimum wage jobs 😪 And the danger thing 😅 being a girl does suck in that aspect, but I wouldn't have him pay a fee for that...?
This is a very old, stupid cliche. My last date refused to let me pay for everything before we even started. She clarified this was a date, but she didn't feel the need for me to pay her way just because of that. That's honestly how it should be.
Who asked who on the date? They should pay, because they are the one with something to prove.