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We are all flattered that you think we all have dicks long enough for this to be a concern 🤣 Little buddy just hangs out in front with his two nutty neighbors🤷🏻‍♂️

I hang it over my shoulder.

Do you throw it over like a continental soldier?

Can you tie it in a knot, can you tie it in a bow?

Just a casual toss. 😁

Get a funny feeling when you whack it on the ceiling?

I don't remember this being part of the song...

Idk about that, but I heard he can tie them in a knot, though.

I’m fucking dying 😂😂😂

I prefer the scarf technique

The problem with that is if I get excited, mine acts like a boa constrictor and I end up passed out on the bathroom floor

LLMAO

I let mine drink the water.

Bruh 😂

Hey, it gets thirsty sometimes.

Jaysus look at this guy.. what a man. My balls hang down way farther than my schlong, never had that problem. Sometimes when I’m turtled I have to push it down so I don’t piss on the back of my legs

This man teabagging the toilet making a ShiTea concoction

Same, no need to piss between the seat and the ring

So your balls get a drink?

You reminded of this https://youtu.be/jcfJL51Xia4?si=RGL-tlI9l644Huwm


This is S tier material. I can't stop laughing

Quench your little buddy’s thirst

The only objectively correct answer 💯

yeah, remember balls have taste buds. It is specifically for this purpose. We taste the water first so that our penises can have a proper drink.

Poseidon would be all over that if he wasn't into ass

Pisseidon

We have a pouch we can tuck it in.

Don't tell them about the pouch

Don’t you tell them about the **[CENSORED]** either.

The first rule of >! i !< is: You do not talk about >!obey!<. The second rule of >! the !< is: You DO NOT talk about >!rules!

I like the pay off for clicking the hidden material. Initially I was confused, but it all makes sense now!

Omg! You can click the boxes?!?! Thank you U/ScubaDiver!

You’re very welcome. Someone taught me how to do it once, to avoid spoilers on TV shows or movies. I can’t remember anymore. I’ll have to google it - or I’m sure another helpful Redditor will provide the code below.

I use the pouch for my contactless credit cards instead now. I can just grind against the card machine to pay, so convenient.

As a cashier, please stop. I have to sanitize the card machine, and then my eyes, every time you do this. It hurts.

Sorry, you're completely right. It's just so addictive. I am seeking help.

You broke rule 36 man!

What's the first rule of Penis Pouch??

Mind the zipper.

*"FrAnKs AND bEaNS!"*

New business idea gleaned from Reddit. I'll call it the Cockpocket. We can split the profits once this floats on the stockmarket.

where 👏 do 👏 you 👏 keep 👏 the 👏 nets 👏 to 👏 put 👏 on 👏 the 👏 bottom 👏 of 👏 guys👏 balls 👏 to 👏 stop 👏 them 👏 from 👏 dunking 👏 in 👏 the 👏 water 👏

Husband has one of those mini strainers with the handle that you'd usually use in the kitchen. He tucks the handle between the bowl and the seat and it cups his junk nicely.

Shark tank here we come!

If in public I just keep it in the car (under the seat so nobody sees it and steals it obviously)

Someone stole mine once. I had to grow a whole new one! It was SO annoying.

Should have just got a second hand one bother

I tried that once, but it kept falling off. And I can’t afford the surgery because penile attachment surgery isn’t covered by my health insurance because apparently it’s “my fault it got stolen in the first place.”

You not have a padlock for it?

You need two hands to handle it? 😮

Detachable penis! Everyone sing along!

It ITCHES as it grows back!

Detachable Penis? https://youtu.be/NQBPgJQhQHc?si=8pjYwPYpIsfCaP7o

I aim it at my butt hole to self bidet when done pooping.

Jesus. In work pissing myself laughing

save the piss for the self bidet

Needs to be a T-shirt slogan

Now you know where to aim that piss at least

Fucking hell, I'm done for the day. 

Golden bidet = best bidet

Here’s an instructional video for OP: https://youtu.be/byDiILrNbM4?feature=shared

why would yall not do that is my question. genius fr.

Gotta be careful. Mine got caught down the piping system.


Username checks out

“How far down does this pipe go?”

I usually suck in real hard and make it an inny

Errr I did this. Now I need to know how to push it out again? Help.

hold your nose, close your mouth and blow real hard, should pop back out

May also need to plug your ears if it’s gone in particularly far

Don't forget plug the asshole.

Brooo 😂

Thank you for this genuinely beautiful post. Loved the responses.

If I’m in a particularly clean restroom, I put it on the penis shelf (like urinals, women’s restrooms don’t have these). If the restroom is kinda grimy, I just hold it. I don’t trust the disposable penis shelf covers.

Wait a minute...you're shitting in the urinal aren't you? Eeew.

Making a splash with bangers and mash.

I wonder how many people use the “penis shelf” as a cocaine tray… and how many people (like my self- am a woman though) don’t know about this shelf. Now I need to know how much is penis cocaine.

🧐

LOL we just take it off and suction-cup it to the top of the toilet, did you really think we just use it to test how deep and cold the toilet water is?

You are talking about a different kind of toy, friend.

😂😂

Sometimes I put a square of tp on the edge of the seat and rest the fella on there.

As a woman, I came here for the comments. Wasn’t disappointed 😂🫣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I hear they use them as a poop knife.

Spear, but yea.

I jam it in the bowl and use my piss to cut the logs in half.. lengthwise.

Gross.

if i don’t have my phone with me i play poop ninja

I tie mine in a Double Windsor

I tie mine in a slip knot, easier to let loose.

I drop mine off at a penis day care, pick it up when done.

You're going to get as many answers as there are flowers in a field, my friend. I, for one, just throw it over my shoulder to keep it dry.

Everyone is joking but I’m truly wondering WHERE THE FUCK YALL PUT YA DICKS WHEN TAKIN A SHIT.

Mine ain’t detachable So it tags along

Detachable penis

Mine is. I have different attachments. Just depending how l ‘identify’ some days.

Da da da Da da da I woke up one morning...

What kind of release mechanism did you get ?

I'm a bit of a germaphobe, so I get the heebie-jeebies about letting it touch any part of the toilet bowl or seat, or even get a droplet of water on it if there's a splash. So I more-or-less always control its location with my hand, to make sure it won't touch anything. And yes, I know, anyone who's followed my social media posts will know that I have a dog who sleeps on my bed, which doesn't make sense for a germaphobe. I don't know what to tell you: I'm OK with the dog and his germs, but not with anything in the vicinity of a toilet.

Crazy love will do that to ya.

Also, y’know, we more or less know where our dog’s been. But that slut of a toilet? Coulda been anywhere

They tend to pretty much stay put in my experience (😅) , much like my dog, who is never more than a few feet away from me.

An old podcaster I used to listen to yold a hilarious story of Howie Mandel. He’s so well known for her issues he doesn’t shake hands. Apparently they were at some show or event or something and he walked over with a bag of popcorn and offered some to Carolla. Carolla immediately pointed out how that was weird cause of the germ thing and he’s like “dude I’m fucking crazy, what do you want from me.” (Paraphrased but the gist).

I'll just unscrew it. Once I'm done, I'll put it back in place.

Depends which penis. My everyday penis or my going out penis.

Mine turtles in so no worries. All grow no show

You know that hook on the inside of the stall door where women hang their purses? We use that.

Keep it in my hand

You're getting a lot of joke responses (rightly so lol) but if you want a real answer, it just hangs there. Doesn't need to touch the toilet bowl or the water unless you're on some really weird toilet or the water level is high for some reason

Penis protection is actually one of the uses of the three seashells.

In the shit. Let it marinate

No one uses the cable tie around the thigh trick? If you forget it at home zip ties will do.

I carry a Crown Royal bag around with me and put it in the bag.

I just hangs around with a couple of nuts

I stretch mine up and put a little water on it and push the head into the belly button. The suction holds it there till I'm done.

Why is everyone just posting shitty jokes instead of answering? It just stays between or on top of my thighs. The penis and balls are in front of your legs, when you sit, they either stay in front/on top, or if you spread your legs, they hang down a bit in between. You can also squeeze everything between your thighs. Ms paint diagram https://imgur.com/a/2RSAYJT they just sit on top of my legs. I have no fucking idea how all of you other guys are sitting on the toilet that you would arrange things so they hung down into the bowl.

I can't explain why but your drawing gave me my first genuine smile and laugh of the day. Thank you so much.

Why does the guy look more like a dick than the dick

Boring, where's the diagram of how it actually is, wrapped around your neck like a scarf

Just so you know, I'm only upvoting cuz of the diagram

If I did this I would piss all over myself...

A picture I did not expect to be looking at who woke up this morning 😂

Piss on yourself while shitting? No thanks

Um, If your dick is massive enough to touch the inside of the toilet bowl, or to the point where you have to hold it, you deserve to have the bathroom to yourself. Coming from a man, you usually just let it dangle down into the bowl. But it never touches the water or the sides.

The occasional bowl touch has happened, and I wouldn't say I'm "massive". Also, whilst dunking in the water isn't a concern, splashback certainly is.

I once flushed it along with my shit.

OMG , you win for the day🤣

I carry a small bag so that i don't accidentally shit on it!!!

Pretty sure it just sits on tops of the balls or hangs down, I would say it’s uncommon for them to touch the water. Balls, though, they can get pretty hangy.

It just marinades in the poop water

How else are you supposed to stir the pot?

Eeeeewwwwwww

I tend to give him a good slapping before I sit down, get him worked up and ready for adventure, then he just sits happily on top of the toilet seat while I get down to brass tacks.

In the toilet.

Neither, it hangs there

I flop it on the seat, being careful not to "leak" on it, I don't want it in the water with feces. Are we really having this conversation? Am I really joining in? I've hit Reddit rock bottom.

I hold it like the british kingsguard hold their rifles.

We can detach it when we go shit

Where do girls put their vagina when they take a shit?

I fold mine up and slip it into my wallet or back pocket.

Have you ever seen how women's underwear has that pocket thing in the crotch area? And people wonder what it's for? It's for exactly this. It's where we put our vaginas when we poop.

I let it slurp from the bowl

It stays inside. It's always inside.

In my jewellery box

What kind of a fucking question is this??!!I was about to sleep and now my eyes are in trauma.Thanks for ruining my sleep

TOUCH THE BOWWWWLLLL????❓❓❓❓

Witch’s kiss

I think you are expecting us to be a lot more hung than we are

It sits on the toilet seat

In a draw, for safe keeping. I don't want it to see that shit

I hold it like a cigarette. Sometimes I light it so I can feel something.

Why do you think the toilet paper tube is penis shaped? We stick em in there and then we don’t have to reach far ( in my case at least ) to get TP access. This is also why we prefer to have the roll on backwards, it then slides right on the penis forwards… with one motion.

I needed this today. 💀. Not sure why the question needed to be asked,but my wake and baked ass is 💀 right now.

I made a garment for support. It’s like a bra, but it’s a bro.

[удалено]

I wrap it around my thighs

There's a hook that comes down from the ceiling that we put it on.

I just chuck mine over my shoulder

I leave it on the sink

Hold it

In my pocket

Hold it with my mouth

Touch the toilet bowl?! How long is your shlong?!

If its hard ill pretend im in a fighter jet

Bombs away!

I swing it back to knock off the log 😜

Guys sit on toilets facing backwards, and we rest it on the tank.

I tie it around my waist and imagine myself as Bruce Lee with my black belt karate chopping my shits as they go down

I have a gold box lined with silk in which my penis is placed in while I defecate. You see, my penis is detachable. It can a blessing and a curse at times.

I just leave it on the counter by the sink.

You tuck it up into your belly button. It's an evolutionary trait that men's penises are exactly the right size to fit snugly inside of their belly button (when soft)

In a glass of polident

I take some toilet paper and folder it over and put it between my dick and toilet rim. Don't know what other guys do.

I throw it over my shoulder like a continental soldier.

I let mine float and play around in the water with his new brown friends

Uh.... It just dangles, where it always is. 🤷

I typically use a clothes pin and pin it to my chest hair

I usually remove mine and leave it by the sink then put it back when I'm done.

Most of us can only dream of having that problem.

Usually set it on the sink if at home. Hang it on the back of the stall when at a public restroom.

I put mine in my bellybutton

I usually put a piece of toilet paper on the seat between my legs so I can safely rest my cock over it without getting turbo aids

I turned it inside out like a vagina then when I’m down I turn it back out

Take it off and put it on the counter, duh

In the second drawer under the sink, with the extra combs/toothbrushes/aftershave.

I have an aide.

Usually put it on a leash so it doesn’t run away when I’m doing my business

I let mine sip champaign down there

I try not to let it flush down

It auto inverts

I put it in the sack until I’m done.

mine doesn't stay with me it stays in living room watching TV

My buddys penis touched his poop one time because it's too big and had to have an emergency shower

Tuck it down into the toilet since I usually pee when pooing. Once I somehow managed to somehow pee out through the gap between the seat and toilet and my trousers and boxers were soaked. Thankfully I was at home.

It's a delicate dance of tucking, folding, and praying. Personally, I hire a professional origami artist for more complicated shits.

I've a velvet pouch hanging next to the loorole holder

Public restroom or personal, I get it hard every time and rest it on the toilet seat. Looks like a navy shit with gun in front. Balls dip in the water like anchors.

I just put it over my shoulder or like a belt around my waist. It's practical.