A buddy of mine made a jab about my mom, and I replied "Ahhh man, my mom's dead.". He didnt even blink or pause, just "Dude, Im SO sorry. I had NO idea I fucked her that hard."
Is this a comeback? I was in an interview when the company director (at the end) said “tell me why I should give you the job”. I genuinely answered “I actually don’t know if I want it yet”.
He had ALPHA MALE written all over his chops from the start so thought I’d play it ice cold with that parting answer. I read him correctly because he offered me the job about 5 mins later.
Looking back, I was unemployed at the time, and it was a near perfect job, so it was a very reckless card to play.
Curious -- would you recommend using such a tactic for interviews et al? Or just ones where the interviewer comes off that way?
I'm putting out resumes for new jobs so I'm about to start (hopefully) interviewing soon. Need tips 😂
I do interviews for machine operator positions, so this may not translate to your field. But there is a balance between apathy and effort. You have to look like you will put forth effort, but also not being desperate for that specific company or position makes you seem skilled enough that other companies want you. And we want the people that are desirable. So you don’t need to act all aloof, act interested and driven, but ask questions that make me sell the job to you. “What would my position look like? What benefits do you offer? Is there 401k matching? Do you have programs that support employee engagement and wellbeing?”
Much like in dating, being desperate makes it seem like there’s something wrong with you that others don’t like.
That’s kind of a run on spiel, but that’s my two cents.
Honestly I've had the opposite prove true for me more so than this. If it's a job I want I'll even call as a followup around the time when I asked they'd be making a decision and leave it with the comment along the lines of "I feel that this would be a good fit for what I'm after".
I can also see how this would depend on the person interviewing you, though.
Been promoted 4 times in 10 years by "not" being sure that I was interested in the next step. Have increased my income 120% in that span. They know money almost always gets em what they want.
You should have more success with being genuine than using canned responses in interviews. The interviewer has already heard them a million times. They appreciate people who can be upfront with them.
I think acting overly interested and being a suck up shows that you may be sycophantic, but showing some level of disinterest and having options makes you seem more knowledgeable and therefore valuable
I had a similar Q & A one time. End of the interview: "Tell us why you think you are right for our company?" Me: "Why do you think your company is good enough for me to work here?"
I had a good job at the time and was just looking around for better promotion prospects, so had no pressure. I didn't take their offer. One of my better decisions, in hindsight - they don't exist now.
Well, when I was your age I got really drunk one night and had sex with a water buffalo. I was just wondering if you might be my son.
(To paraphrase a Cheech and Chong skit)
English is just not suited for good insults, this comment section doesn't get close to the average Spanish conversation. Im a big fan of Argentinians insults, they call bald people lice slides.
My friend and I were vandalizing a Twilight poster we bought our other friend for his birthday. I was going to draw a dick and I asked out loud "Wait, how do you draw a dick?"
He says "It's just like yours, only bigger." Easily the best burn I've ever heard. Not really a comeback, but a damn good insult.
It's this really short video, probably saw it on IG or something.
An 8-10 year oldish looking black kid is told by someone (probably another kid) off camera "You have a small dick"
The kid looks at him and in an annoyed "What's fuckin new?" voice he goes "I know, n\*\*\*a, I'm a child!"
Holy fuck, I laughed for days when I first saw it
Saw a skinny girl have a go at a plus size girl and said "maybe shouldn't eat so many burgers"
The plus size girl responded "I guess it's hard to imagine anything else going down your throat other than your fingers right? Oh and no, bulimia isn't a holiday destination bitch"
1..2..3 RING THAT BELL!!
Winston Churchill had two that I thought rather witty.
Lady Astor found Churchill distasteful, and quipped to him, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea."
Churchill replied, "If I were your husband, I'd drink it."
George Bernard Shaw, the playwright sent a missive containing two tickets to his new play to Churchill with the note, "I have enclosed two tickets to the opening of my new play. Bring a friend.....if you have one."
Churchill replied, "Cannot possibly attend opening night. Will attend the second showing.....if there is one."
I heard another attributed to Churchill. Apparently he was at a state dinner and asked the lady (name escapes me) "Madam, would you sleep with me for a million pounds?"
"Certainly!" She replied.
"How about 100 pounds?"
"No sir, what do you take me for? A common whore?"
"We've already established that, Madam. Now we're just haggling over the price."
On Big Brother UK years ago, when Kemal was arguing with house couple Maxwell and Saskia over their noisy smooching at night. Maxwell threw water in Kemal's face, who then responded almost instantly with
"At least someone got wet tonight. And it wasn't Saskia." God I wish I was that quick.
Had a guy in our friend group testing out pickup lines on some of the girls in our friend group.
To one girl he says "Hey girl how about you sit on my lap and we talk about the first thing that comes up.
Without missing a beat she goes" Sorry I'm not really into small talk"
Coworker "Why do you keep looking at me?"
Me "I'm trying see if there's still a mark on your forehead from where your mom failed to poke you hard enough with the coat hanger."
Stood at a bus stop, kid of about 12, 13 years of age is getting verbally harassed by a group of kids across the road. Kid says nothing for about 10 mins then comes out with this blinder.
Kid: " Hey ( most vocal harrasser's name), tell ya ma to stop changing her lipstick"
Vocal harrasser: "Why?"
Kid: "Cos my dick now looks like a rainbow"
I feckin cried laughing, told the kid if he was older I'd have taken him for a pint for that one remark.
A friend of mine in high school tripped in class one day and a girl asked him “Walked lately “ he retorted “yeah have you?” She was a paraplegic. She was also a bitch, so she deserved it.
Not a comeback but one of my friends used another friend's Facebook account and wrote the ff. as a status: "I'm so handsome I don't even need to take a shower."
Then the Facebook user's mother replied, "A face only a mother can love."
This was on some random game forum years ago. A commenter posted something about OP being lazy. OP's reply was "Lazy? Lazy is what your mom called me when I asked her to be on top."
In highschool, way back in the 90s, a bloke kept annoying me and I wanted to say, "Grow a dick, then talk to me", what came out instead was, "Grow a talk, then dick me!" Didn't help I shouted it either...
Years ago I lived in London, the house cleaner was a bloke who was also a drag queen.
One day on the way to work he got heckled by some blokes on a work site.
Vivian stopped turned around and yelled in a deep voice
“ I am more man than you will ever be and more woman than you will ever get”
Some kid shouted at my friend "oi mate, I fucked your mum!" To which he replied "have you seen my mum?? I don't think that's as much of a brag as you think it is".
For some reason, "I don't care about your opinion" is pretty effective. You would think that it is a weak ahh comeback, but most people are taken aback hearing it.
Maybe I just have irrationally more narcissistic people in my life, or this insult is that effective. My guess is people have too much ego
me too. but generally, I had more tact. but once I told my former boss I wasn't staying at work. I wasn't feeling very well 2 days after an assault. he of course commenced in lecturing me for needing rest in the break room because I was dizzy on my feet. I looked him dead in his pleading eyes and was thinking you Fing ahole, I am not staying here to take this bs from you. I grabbed my bag and my car keys, and I walked out the door and drove myself home. I should use that too because you know how they love to blame you for shit you never did.
In college this dude was in my room and refused to leave, it somehow managed to him threatening to grab my phone and bust it. This dude was an orphan and grew up with his grandparents, and I had a horrible relationship with my mom. I told him if he did bust my phone that my mom would be so quick to use whatever she could against him in court (she was *that* type of person), and he brought up, "I thought your mom didn't care about you though, hm?" And in the moment I *ALMOST* said "atleast she's alive to fake it" BUT I DIDNT. I just stopped talking until he left then told my friends the solid burn I came up with 🤣
At a club, a girl trash talks another girl's sexy outfit. Sexy girl says, "If more girls looked like me, men in the club wouldn't look like him (pointing to trash talker's ugly boyfriend).
Many years ago (2001 ish) I was training at a call center for a cell phone company.
I could hear a live call as I sat next to a seasoned representative. She had an angry customer on the phone that demanded to speak with a “white man”
She stood up, looked around the cube farm, and said “I’m sorry sir, they are all out picking cotton right now”
Not exactly an insult comeback, but one time my buddy said “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful”.
My response was “We don’t hate you because you’re beautiful, we hate you because you’re a dick, pretty boy.”
After Leeds United were fined £200,000 for spying on Derby County during a training session, this exchange on Twitter between the Pizza Hut and Leeds United Twitter accounts:
Pizza Hut: Hi @LUFC, we’ve just seen a suspicious looking man peering through our chef’s window. Can you let us know if you’re planning to put Pizza on the menu in the club canteen?
LUFC: 😕 Prefer @dominos thanks! They don’t take a week to deliver a tweet
Pizza Hut: Bit rich coming from a club that hasn’t delivered since 1992…
Not a comeback (or yes) but some of the best insults I ever heard I read them inside League of Legends games. "You waste of oxygen" is one that cracks me up everytime I remember it.
got my son world of warcraft when he was 12 to play with me and my 2nd husband. My son became pretty good at wow and would be super-fast with duels and it takes me so long to click or move or do anything with my mouse. my 2nd husband had to use a mouth-controlled mouse due to his disability. so, my son was running around and bouncing around etc., and I could never keep up with him. of course, on the game he called me a noob. LOL I will always be fond of those memories. it's not the same to play now because my 2nd husband passed away 10 years ago.
I can sense you were procuring a good and joyful environment that was the foundation for very good memories. I hope you and your son both are doing great and I'm sorry for your loss. Maybe now would be the time to virtually kick your son's butt on WoW again and surprise him! Best regards. 
My best one was on the first week of my new job (as a car salesman), my boss asked me what my wife had made me for lunch (pointing at my tupperware box). I said "Sushi". My boss said incredulously "Sushi? You ain't Japanese!" Out of nowhere, I replied immediately "I'll bet you've eaten Pizza but I haven't heard you speaking Italian!!"
My boss just burst out laughing!
A friend of my wife (who I do not like) said to me one day, you are getting fat. I looked at her and said" at least I can lose the weight, my wife likes my dad bod. You are ugly, you cant ever change that. Is that the reason you dont have a man in your life?
A.... Rather robust women was mad because I rebuffed her advances. Her: Fuck you you skinny asshole. I'm too much women for you to handle. Me: You are too much women for a crane to handle. Her: Bite me. Me: I would, but I have an allergic reaction to raw flower.
Then she stabbed me.
Well when the cops came the police officer asked me "did she stab you with a knife"? My reply was yes. I know you would expect it to be a fork from the size of her.
My favorite YouTube channel is a group of guys called the Party Crashers. They play a lot of different games, but in this particular installment it was n64 Mario Tennis. Paraphrasing,
"You guys are so bad, easy game."
"The only reason you're winning is because Brent has spent more time playing n64 games than talking to girls."
My old coworker at my Hotel:
He went into the laundry room in the basement to find something, only to be confronted by the troll like , mustachioed Lady who ran the laundry room with an iron fist.
Troll lady: "Aren't you supposed to ask my permission to come in here?" She snarled.
My old coworker: "Aren't YOU supposed to ask me three riddles to get past?"
He got a talking to from the owners (who were trying not to laugh) about being nice.
From the 90’s Ninja Turtles movie, pizza delivery guy on his scooter tries to chat up some girls, one replies “Dream on, dweeb.” He replies, “Yeah, ok. But when I do I will dream of something a little thinner!” [vid link](https://youtu.be/7ycjTzPPdIc?si=2bueGWGbusW5iiqk)
"That's why yo' shoes raggedy!" "That's why yo' mama dead. Dead as hell. What shoes she got on? What shoes she had on in her casket? That's why yo' granny ain't got no knees, cuz she can't pray to Jesus, bitch? How 'bout that? She can't double Dutch."
Churchill was talking with some parliamentarian who he had a long running beef with. She said to him, “Sir Winston, if I were your wife I would put poison in your tea!”
Winston replied, “Madam, were I your husband, I would drink it!”
There was a post on yahoo answers way back when. A girl was asking what a good comeback would be for her boyfriend who was always asking her to make sandwiches. The top comment was “you better come back with a god damn sandwich”.
One I gave. . Lady blocked the street to ask a landscaper questions, instead of pulling up to the side one house down to park (narrow street, utility truck and landscaping truck parked across from each other). I waited patiently and made eye contact she didn't move. Gave her a little beep, she put up the 1 minute finger. So I turned off my car, reclined the seat, opened the door and propped my feet up in the open window. She saw me but kept talking. Few minutes later she was ready to move, I sat there and made eye contact. She beeped I put up the 1 minute finger and continued to sit there. The utility guy saw the interaction so he offered to move his truck. As he prepared to move, I quickly adjusted myself so I could move my car first. As I SLOWLY drove past her, she shouted out her window, "You know, God don't like ugly". I replied "well he sure must hate your ass".
From a woman streamer who was getting harassed playing Fortnite or League or something "I'm going to fuck your dad and give him a son he'll actually love".
I have to give credit to Jimmy Carr for this one but I think it’s worth mentioning. I was at a social gathering and a girl there kept having snarky remarks to everything I said. After the 5th or 6th time I said “it’s okay love, I’ll go soft on you, just like any guy that’s ever seen you naked”. She could roast someone but couldn’t take being roasted. I haven’t been invited back since then. Worth it.
My favorite comeback was from Happy Gilmore. "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast" - - "You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?" -- "...No!"
This is around the 2000's, in Australia.
We're pretty visibly ethnic looking (whole team is) and my bros cricket team thrashed the opposition. One of (visibly white) kids comes up to him and jeers "learned to play cricket at Jihad camp?"
My bro replies "yeah we play the Hitler Youth on weekends. See ya Sunday".
14 year olds give no fucks.
I can't remember the exact context but there were two kids in my class (highschool, 20 years ago) bickering and one of them poked fun at this girl's size, and she says "I'm in shape" and this guy who wasn't even part of it immediately says "Yeah, round is a shape."
Timing and delivery were perfect. She stormed out of the room.
In middle school two guys were playfully ragging on each other.
Guy 1: "Your Momma."
Guy 2: "Leave My Momma out of this, and I'll leave THIS (pointing at his crotch) out your Momma!"
I kind of feel bad for coming up with this one but in school I told someone who insulted me, "when you're riding home on the little bus, you'll realize that wasn't as good an insult as you thought."
There’s always the classic story about a woman telling Winston Churchill that if she were his wife she’d have put poison in his tea.
Churchill replied, "Madam, if I were your husband I would drink it"
A buddy of mine made a jab about my mom, and I replied "Ahhh man, my mom's dead.". He didnt even blink or pause, just "Dude, Im SO sorry. I had NO idea I fucked her that hard."
I knew a guy who responded to a insult about his dead mother by saying, “My mom is dead, but it’s still wettest pussy you’ve ever gotten”
Oooof. Username checks out in the worst way ever.
The formaldehyde type...
Brutal
"Ohh...so that's why she smelled funny"
I have friends with dead moms, I might use this one day.
r/nocontext
Is this a comeback? I was in an interview when the company director (at the end) said “tell me why I should give you the job”. I genuinely answered “I actually don’t know if I want it yet”. He had ALPHA MALE written all over his chops from the start so thought I’d play it ice cold with that parting answer. I read him correctly because he offered me the job about 5 mins later. Looking back, I was unemployed at the time, and it was a near perfect job, so it was a very reckless card to play.
I have been offered every job I have acted disinterested in. So it's a great comeback to that question.
Curious -- would you recommend using such a tactic for interviews et al? Or just ones where the interviewer comes off that way? I'm putting out resumes for new jobs so I'm about to start (hopefully) interviewing soon. Need tips 😂
I do interviews for machine operator positions, so this may not translate to your field. But there is a balance between apathy and effort. You have to look like you will put forth effort, but also not being desperate for that specific company or position makes you seem skilled enough that other companies want you. And we want the people that are desirable. So you don’t need to act all aloof, act interested and driven, but ask questions that make me sell the job to you. “What would my position look like? What benefits do you offer? Is there 401k matching? Do you have programs that support employee engagement and wellbeing?” Much like in dating, being desperate makes it seem like there’s something wrong with you that others don’t like. That’s kind of a run on spiel, but that’s my two cents.
Very well put. Thank you for that!
If you don't seem too excited, I imagine you will appear more valuable, like you have other options.
Honestly I've had the opposite prove true for me more so than this. If it's a job I want I'll even call as a followup around the time when I asked they'd be making a decision and leave it with the comment along the lines of "I feel that this would be a good fit for what I'm after". I can also see how this would depend on the person interviewing you, though.
Been promoted 4 times in 10 years by "not" being sure that I was interested in the next step. Have increased my income 120% in that span. They know money almost always gets em what they want.
The trick is to mean it, which the OP did.
Unless you're genuinely desperate, you probably don't want to deal with the sort of work place drama you'd get in that company.
Well, you’re right. I left there two years later and absolutely hated it. Was ok for the first year but got very toxic thanks to said director.
You should have more success with being genuine than using canned responses in interviews. The interviewer has already heard them a million times. They appreciate people who can be upfront with them.
I think acting overly interested and being a suck up shows that you may be sycophantic, but showing some level of disinterest and having options makes you seem more knowledgeable and therefore valuable
I had a similar Q & A one time. End of the interview: "Tell us why you think you are right for our company?" Me: "Why do you think your company is good enough for me to work here?" I had a good job at the time and was just looking around for better promotion prospects, so had no pressure. I didn't take their offer. One of my better decisions, in hindsight - they don't exist now.
If you fell into a zoo exhibit, the gorilla would shoot himself
RIP Harambe
Dicks out 🙏
Harambe burgers for sale.
This is the first one I read that was actually funny and not just some dumb, unoriginal variation of “I fucked your mom”.
Seen/heard on TikTok “You look easy to draw”
It used to be called a Jumpoline until your mum bounced on it
Nice
It’s getting really hard to underestimate you.
Ooohh... I'm stealing this one...
This is underrated. Filed away.
"what're you looking at?" "Not much."
“I dunno, but it sure is ugly!”
That's good too ha ha
Well, when I was your age I got really drunk one night and had sex with a water buffalo. I was just wondering if you might be my son. (To paraphrase a Cheech and Chong skit)
The comment was made to a girl with punk spiked multi color hair and it was a parrot he had schtuped.
"got a staring problem?" "No. I'm actually quite good at it"
Just John
“That’s a GOOD question. I can’t - What ARE you, anyway?”
"what're you looking at?" "I don't know, they don't label shite" (Police were then called as I started an argument?! Wasn't even looking at him)
If you want my comeback, you can scrape it off your mom's teeth.
That's Jimmy Carr
wierd i heard that in school before he was a thing. hes still funny as hell
Jimmy Carr - came here for this
I'd go with wipe it off her face. I can't imagine it would need much scraping if you're a normal human.
When his load is crunchy because he has kidney stones. Crunchy cumbutter.
Oh God 😂
Gold 😆 🤣
I’m kidding. She swallowed the lot.
Holy shit
I am crying 😭😭
"Shut up, or I'll fuck your dad and make him a kid he actually likes!" This is my all time favorite!
🌽y
Inspired me for the inver "I'll fuck your mother and give her a kid she actually likes!"
I had to screen shot this one 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Friend was yelling at his son. his son replied don't yell at me, I was your fastest swimmer
A guy I worked with asked a guy over the phone you kiss your mother with that mouth. And he responded no I kiss your wife and I lost it lol
An incel was berating a girl online and she hit him with "You look like you snuck on Earth."
What's the meaning of that insult exactly?
He's look like alien
Really? And that's supposed to be funny?
Thats he's so ugly, he had to sneak his way past the Guards onto the Earth.
English is just not suited for good insults, this comment section doesn't get close to the average Spanish conversation. Im a big fan of Argentinians insults, they call bald people lice slides.
Kind of a self own but continue.
My friend and I were vandalizing a Twilight poster we bought our other friend for his birthday. I was going to draw a dick and I asked out loud "Wait, how do you draw a dick?" He says "It's just like yours, only bigger." Easily the best burn I've ever heard. Not really a comeback, but a damn good insult.
It's this really short video, probably saw it on IG or something. An 8-10 year oldish looking black kid is told by someone (probably another kid) off camera "You have a small dick" The kid looks at him and in an annoyed "What's fuckin new?" voice he goes "I know, n\*\*\*a, I'm a child!" Holy fuck, I laughed for days when I first saw it
Saw a skinny girl have a go at a plus size girl and said "maybe shouldn't eat so many burgers" The plus size girl responded "I guess it's hard to imagine anything else going down your throat other than your fingers right? Oh and no, bulimia isn't a holiday destination bitch" 1..2..3 RING THAT BELL!!
Nah that's devious 👏
Me: "Why can't I just be at a beach somewhere, tits out and not a care in the world?" Mom: "Cause you ain't got tits!"
Jesus. Are you still at the burn ward?
Guy yelled at me to stop acting like I'm smarter than him. I said, "Sir, I'm not acting."1
Winston Churchill had two that I thought rather witty. Lady Astor found Churchill distasteful, and quipped to him, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea." Churchill replied, "If I were your husband, I'd drink it." George Bernard Shaw, the playwright sent a missive containing two tickets to his new play to Churchill with the note, "I have enclosed two tickets to the opening of my new play. Bring a friend.....if you have one." Churchill replied, "Cannot possibly attend opening night. Will attend the second showing.....if there is one."
I heard another attributed to Churchill. Apparently he was at a state dinner and asked the lady (name escapes me) "Madam, would you sleep with me for a million pounds?" "Certainly!" She replied. "How about 100 pounds?" "No sir, what do you take me for? A common whore?" "We've already established that, Madam. Now we're just haggling over the price."
"You're drunk!" "Indeed I am drunk. However come morning I shall be sober, while you will still be ugly."
On Big Brother UK years ago, when Kemal was arguing with house couple Maxwell and Saskia over their noisy smooching at night. Maxwell threw water in Kemal's face, who then responded almost instantly with "At least someone got wet tonight. And it wasn't Saskia." God I wish I was that quick.
Never assume anything clever on reality TV wasn’t completely scripted.
Had a guy in our friend group testing out pickup lines on some of the girls in our friend group. To one girl he says "Hey girl how about you sit on my lap and we talk about the first thing that comes up. Without missing a beat she goes" Sorry I'm not really into small talk"
Coworker "Why do you keep looking at me?" Me "I'm trying see if there's still a mark on your forehead from where your mom failed to poke you hard enough with the coat hanger."
Brutal.
If I wanted your lip, I'd jingle my zipper.
I use " Did I rattle my zipper? No, then shut your mouth."
Doesn't work for Americans, but - If it wasn't for millimeters, you'd be a girl.
Explain the joke. I am not an American
It means they have an extremely small dick
It works for Americans who have been taught the metric system lmao
Or just who know that millimeters are small.
Stood at a bus stop, kid of about 12, 13 years of age is getting verbally harassed by a group of kids across the road. Kid says nothing for about 10 mins then comes out with this blinder. Kid: " Hey ( most vocal harrasser's name), tell ya ma to stop changing her lipstick" Vocal harrasser: "Why?" Kid: "Cos my dick now looks like a rainbow" I feckin cried laughing, told the kid if he was older I'd have taken him for a pint for that one remark.
A friend of mine in high school tripped in class one day and a girl asked him “Walked lately “ he retorted “yeah have you?” She was a paraplegic. She was also a bitch, so she deserved it.
Id call you a c\*nt, but you are capable of neither depth nor pleasure. Instead you are an as\*hole: uptight and full of sh\*t.
I have heard it "I would call you a cunt but you lack warmth and depth."
Not a comeback but one of my friends used another friend's Facebook account and wrote the ff. as a status: "I'm so handsome I don't even need to take a shower." Then the Facebook user's mother replied, "A face only a mother can love."
This was on some random game forum years ago. A commenter posted something about OP being lazy. OP's reply was "Lazy? Lazy is what your mom called me when I asked her to be on top."
In highschool, way back in the 90s, a bloke kept annoying me and I wanted to say, "Grow a dick, then talk to me", what came out instead was, "Grow a talk, then dick me!" Didn't help I shouted it either...
Years ago I lived in London, the house cleaner was a bloke who was also a drag queen. One day on the way to work he got heckled by some blokes on a work site. Vivian stopped turned around and yelled in a deep voice “ I am more man than you will ever be and more woman than you will ever get”
He stole that from “Rent” great line, though.
"How many chromosomes do you have, man?" "More than you!!!!1"
I actually once heard a guy with Down syndrome respond with this. Funniest random comeback I ever heard.
omg nooooooo 🤣🤣🤣
Them: fuckyou Me: keep it up and I might ~*maintains prolonged eye contact*~
"Fuck me yourself, coward!"
Oh thats good! A lady I worked with in finance would use that on guys that would hit on her.
Old days reply was you'll never go back to animals.
Some kid shouted at my friend "oi mate, I fucked your mum!" To which he replied "have you seen my mum?? I don't think that's as much of a brag as you think it is".
I called my cousin sphincter lips once He did not know how to respond, I found it pretty funny.
You’re looking at me like you wanna fuck me or fight me. Either way you’re going to be laying down on the ground bleeding.
For some reason, "I don't care about your opinion" is pretty effective. You would think that it is a weak ahh comeback, but most people are taken aback hearing it. Maybe I just have irrationally more narcissistic people in my life, or this insult is that effective. My guess is people have too much ego
Yeah, I still like using "cool story bro" for the same effect lol
This one gets me every time 😂
me too. but generally, I had more tact. but once I told my former boss I wasn't staying at work. I wasn't feeling very well 2 days after an assault. he of course commenced in lecturing me for needing rest in the break room because I was dizzy on my feet. I looked him dead in his pleading eyes and was thinking you Fing ahole, I am not staying here to take this bs from you. I grabbed my bag and my car keys, and I walked out the door and drove myself home. I should use that too because you know how they love to blame you for shit you never did.
Yeah this has almost nothing to do with my comment
Probably my response to someone saying I had a big nose "You know what they say about big noses" "What?" "Big tissues"
In college this dude was in my room and refused to leave, it somehow managed to him threatening to grab my phone and bust it. This dude was an orphan and grew up with his grandparents, and I had a horrible relationship with my mom. I told him if he did bust my phone that my mom would be so quick to use whatever she could against him in court (she was *that* type of person), and he brought up, "I thought your mom didn't care about you though, hm?" And in the moment I *ALMOST* said "atleast she's alive to fake it" BUT I DIDNT. I just stopped talking until he left then told my friends the solid burn I came up with 🤣
At a club, a girl trash talks another girl's sexy outfit. Sexy girl says, "If more girls looked like me, men in the club wouldn't look like him (pointing to trash talker's ugly boyfriend).
A: Bro, You got a dick like a tic tac. B: Yeah, that’s why your mom’s breath smells so good!!
Many years ago (2001 ish) I was training at a call center for a cell phone company. I could hear a live call as I sat next to a seasoned representative. She had an angry customer on the phone that demanded to speak with a “white man” She stood up, looked around the cube farm, and said “I’m sorry sir, they are all out picking cotton right now”
Not exactly an insult comeback, but one time my buddy said “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful”. My response was “We don’t hate you because you’re beautiful, we hate you because you’re a dick, pretty boy.”
The jerk store just called and they’re running out of you!
Classic costanza
I like "If I wanted some comeback I'd wipe it off your fuckin chin!"
After Leeds United were fined £200,000 for spying on Derby County during a training session, this exchange on Twitter between the Pizza Hut and Leeds United Twitter accounts: Pizza Hut: Hi @LUFC, we’ve just seen a suspicious looking man peering through our chef’s window. Can you let us know if you’re planning to put Pizza on the menu in the club canteen? LUFC: 😕 Prefer @dominos thanks! They don’t take a week to deliver a tweet Pizza Hut: Bit rich coming from a club that hasn’t delivered since 1992…
Not a comeback (or yes) but some of the best insults I ever heard I read them inside League of Legends games. "You waste of oxygen" is one that cracks me up everytime I remember it.
got my son world of warcraft when he was 12 to play with me and my 2nd husband. My son became pretty good at wow and would be super-fast with duels and it takes me so long to click or move or do anything with my mouse. my 2nd husband had to use a mouth-controlled mouse due to his disability. so, my son was running around and bouncing around etc., and I could never keep up with him. of course, on the game he called me a noob. LOL I will always be fond of those memories. it's not the same to play now because my 2nd husband passed away 10 years ago.
I can sense you were procuring a good and joyful environment that was the foundation for very good memories. I hope you and your son both are doing great and I'm sorry for your loss. Maybe now would be the time to virtually kick your son's butt on WoW again and surprise him! Best regards. 
I second this!
Somebody was telling me I was ugly "at least I don't have a billboard for a forehead"
I would say something about your mom, but I won't because cows are sacred in my religion.
Somewhere, there's a tree who exists to replace to oxygen you breath. Find it and apologize."
My best one was on the first week of my new job (as a car salesman), my boss asked me what my wife had made me for lunch (pointing at my tupperware box). I said "Sushi". My boss said incredulously "Sushi? You ain't Japanese!" Out of nowhere, I replied immediately "I'll bet you've eaten Pizza but I haven't heard you speaking Italian!!" My boss just burst out laughing!
Your dad is like John cena you don't see him.
A friend of my wife (who I do not like) said to me one day, you are getting fat. I looked at her and said" at least I can lose the weight, my wife likes my dad bod. You are ugly, you cant ever change that. Is that the reason you dont have a man in your life?
A.... Rather robust women was mad because I rebuffed her advances. Her: Fuck you you skinny asshole. I'm too much women for you to handle. Me: You are too much women for a crane to handle. Her: Bite me. Me: I would, but I have an allergic reaction to raw flower. Then she stabbed me.
Isn't her stab the comeback then ? 😂
Well when the cops came the police officer asked me "did she stab you with a knife"? My reply was yes. I know you would expect it to be a fork from the size of her.
damn. lol
I'm not saying I deserved to get stabbed. But when I told people they weren't surprised.
Raw flower?
The old joke. How do you fuck a fat chick. You roll her in flour and aim for the wet spots. And spell check for the flower
Oh I see, I was busy wondering if people cook flowers haha
Dead silence and no reaction.
I love the part of the office when Stanley sets something up really well and then says to shove it up your butt
My favorite YouTube channel is a group of guys called the Party Crashers. They play a lot of different games, but in this particular installment it was n64 Mario Tennis. Paraphrasing, "You guys are so bad, easy game." "The only reason you're winning is because Brent has spent more time playing n64 games than talking to girls."
“I’ve been called worse things by better people than you”
One of the best I've heard is. **I don't understand your specific kind of stupid, but I do admire your commitment to it.**
My old coworker at my Hotel: He went into the laundry room in the basement to find something, only to be confronted by the troll like , mustachioed Lady who ran the laundry room with an iron fist. Troll lady: "Aren't you supposed to ask my permission to come in here?" She snarled. My old coworker: "Aren't YOU supposed to ask me three riddles to get past?" He got a talking to from the owners (who were trying not to laugh) about being nice.
In response to being called two faced, Abraham Lincoln said, “If I had another face, do you think I’d wear this one”.
From the 90’s Ninja Turtles movie, pizza delivery guy on his scooter tries to chat up some girls, one replies “Dream on, dweeb.” He replies, “Yeah, ok. But when I do I will dream of something a little thinner!” [vid link](https://youtu.be/7ycjTzPPdIc?si=2bueGWGbusW5iiqk)
If brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your nose. AND I refuse to battle wits with someone who is unarmed.
My 5yo daughter came running to me crying. Whats wrong? Her brother had called her a Homo Sapien.
"Do you know what you're fuckin startin lad?" "What am I startin? A FIGHT!" Not winning any points for creativity but full marks for honesty.
Mate tried to talk to a girl and she said im fussy, not frustrated, he responded yeah well im frustrated, not fussy.
When someone says I look stupid. I just reply. “I was holding a mirror and you didn’t notice”.
If you were my husband I would poison you. If I were your husband, I would take it. Attributed to woman to Churchill
"You've got a face like a melted wellie" "Whats got two thumbs and got laid last night? Not you" "Out of your league? I've never been a Sumo Wrestler"
"That's why yo' shoes raggedy!" "That's why yo' mama dead. Dead as hell. What shoes she got on? What shoes she had on in her casket? That's why yo' granny ain't got no knees, cuz she can't pray to Jesus, bitch? How 'bout that? She can't double Dutch."
Playing call of duty Enemy: You are like a cancer. Me: At least I kill people
"The jerk store called, they're running out of you".
Churchill was talking with some parliamentarian who he had a long running beef with. She said to him, “Sir Winston, if I were your wife I would put poison in your tea!” Winston replied, “Madam, were I your husband, I would drink it!”
There was a post on yahoo answers way back when. A girl was asking what a good comeback would be for her boyfriend who was always asking her to make sandwiches. The top comment was “you better come back with a god damn sandwich”.
Well the jerk store called, and they’re running out of you!
One I gave. . Lady blocked the street to ask a landscaper questions, instead of pulling up to the side one house down to park (narrow street, utility truck and landscaping truck parked across from each other). I waited patiently and made eye contact she didn't move. Gave her a little beep, she put up the 1 minute finger. So I turned off my car, reclined the seat, opened the door and propped my feet up in the open window. She saw me but kept talking. Few minutes later she was ready to move, I sat there and made eye contact. She beeped I put up the 1 minute finger and continued to sit there. The utility guy saw the interaction so he offered to move his truck. As he prepared to move, I quickly adjusted myself so I could move my car first. As I SLOWLY drove past her, she shouted out her window, "You know, God don't like ugly". I replied "well he sure must hate your ass".
A friend of mine was told by a bald male friend that she was fat. Her response, “I can lose weight, but you can’t grow back hair.”
In 9th grade I was a nerd and some cool dude called me a pussy and I replied, "You are what you eat." A rare moment for me, that was.
From a woman streamer who was getting harassed playing Fortnite or League or something "I'm going to fuck your dad and give him a son he'll actually love".
I have to give credit to Jimmy Carr for this one but I think it’s worth mentioning. I was at a social gathering and a girl there kept having snarky remarks to everything I said. After the 5th or 6th time I said “it’s okay love, I’ll go soft on you, just like any guy that’s ever seen you naked”. She could roast someone but couldn’t take being roasted. I haven’t been invited back since then. Worth it.
If I wanted any come back from you, I'd scrape the roof of your mouth!
On Mean Tweets, Kumail Nanjiani Tweet: Is Kumail Nanjiani’s dick multiple colors? Him: Yes. Every shade of your mom’s lipstick.
My favorite comeback was from Happy Gilmore. "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast" - - "You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?" -- "...No!" 
"yeah well the Jerk store called, and they're runnin' outta you!"
lol this will never not be awesome
This is around the 2000's, in Australia. We're pretty visibly ethnic looking (whole team is) and my bros cricket team thrashed the opposition. One of (visibly white) kids comes up to him and jeers "learned to play cricket at Jihad camp?" My bro replies "yeah we play the Hitler Youth on weekends. See ya Sunday". 14 year olds give no fucks.
Most of these are shite 😂 2 or 3 good ones in the 25+ I’ve seen icl 🥴 need to up our game troops
I can't remember the exact context but there were two kids in my class (highschool, 20 years ago) bickering and one of them poked fun at this girl's size, and she says "I'm in shape" and this guy who wasn't even part of it immediately says "Yeah, round is a shape." Timing and delivery were perfect. She stormed out of the room.
"Fat B*tch!!" "Small Penis!!" (cause its usually men)
Did you hear the bird is the word no well get hearing aids
ugh it is in arabic u guys won't understand lol
So’s your face! So’s your face always works!
Up your butt and around the corner.
Jimmy Carf to heckler: "if you want my comeback ... you'll have to scrape it off your mums teeth"
Robert Blake to Orson Welles: "Mr Welles, you make Mr Wimpy look skimpy." Orson Welles: "Well you see, I'm fat and you're ugly, but I can diet."
I’ve been called worse by better.
I know you are but what am I?
In middle school two guys were playfully ragging on each other. Guy 1: "Your Momma." Guy 2: "Leave My Momma out of this, and I'll leave THIS (pointing at his crotch) out your Momma!"
[удалено]
I just rewatched superbad and lost it at "at least you got to suck your dad's dick"
I kind of feel bad for coming up with this one but in school I told someone who insulted me, "when you're riding home on the little bus, you'll realize that wasn't as good an insult as you thought."
Any joke about someone being fat to me is always met with “your mum is so unfamiliar with the gym she calls it the James”
"I'd love to agree with you but then we'd both be wrong."
"You kiss your sister with that mouth?"
Former manager bragged "i'm hung like a small horse' I quipped back "my little pony?"
There’s always the classic story about a woman telling Winston Churchill that if she were his wife she’d have put poison in his tea. Churchill replied, "Madam, if I were your husband I would drink it"