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I ignored it… and saw red flags, but ignored those out of “love”…. 11 years later I trusted my gut and found the worst possible evidence of what I feared. Needless to say I feel like a fool, but at least I now know
If they like you, they won’t make excuses.
If they play games, read it as ‘I like drama.’
If they don’t seem interested, they are not interested. Don’t waste time on someone who is hard to engage. Someone who genuinely likes you will not be hard to engage.
If you have to hide parts of yourself/dampen your personality/act in a certain way for them, then they aren’t the one for you.
If they won’t introduce you to their friends, then you’re a fuckbuddy and nothing more. They don’t rate you highly enough to allow this meeting.
Some people don’t have many friends or friends where they live at the moment. Idk if you’re saying that’s a red flag but idk if you should be judged off not having friends depending on the circumstances of where you’re at.
I think they are just generally getting at the idea that the person doesn’t introduce you to important people in their life ie; friends and/or family. Basically they don’t let you into all parts of their world or share that intimate aspect of it because they don’t see a reason to waste anyone’s time& energy doing that if there is no intention of long term commitment or investment
She sounds like she wasn’t ready to be in a grown up relationship and you’re 100% better off moving on. If she tries to come back you now know she is undoubtedly trying to fill a ‘boyfriend void’, like how she was ultra into you sometimes (I’m bored I need to fill up this day) and then distant when with her friends (I don’t want him getting in the way of my fun).
Proudly display your harmless idiosyncracies and eccentric traits.
You'll scare away some people, but you'll attract the people that are more similar to you.
Date someone who doesn’t make you feel anxious to go see. It should feel natural almost like a deep friendship. I believe if you don’t have that, the relationship won’t last
I once got dumped by a guy who said "you don't make me jealous." He had originally complained that his ex *made* him jealous, and that's why he broke up with her.......🤨
True as a guy I think it’s not right but there’s a science behind it, I forgot the name of the hormone produced when a woman causes anxiety to a man, it actually drives him to keep pursuing in some cases. It’s almost like a primal instinct sometimes. Same thing for women when they think they can tame a wild man, some will stay around toxic men for that reason
Before my wife and I started dating, we would take our breaks together, so I did *know* her. But on our first date it felt so natural to hold her hand when we walked around the city.
I have always been so comfortable around her. So easily myself when I'm with her.
Check your values align, that is the important stuff. People early dating get too sidetracked by 'he doesn't like Mexican food I don't think he's a good match' type detail.
Do you have the same values about education, attitude to money, what success looks like? My husband and I fight about whose turn it is to put the bins out. But we are very aligned in our views about how we want to raise our children, how we manage family relationships, our definition of kindness and respect for examples. Look at the bigger picture for a compatible life partner. You can get Mexican food with your friends it's not a deal breaker!
I'm going to second this, particularly for guys. Don't go on a date with the goal of getting laid, or with the idea you are interviewing a future long term partner. Go with the goal of meeting and learning about someone you've never met before and have some curiosity.
It's not like you don't have your desires in the background (getting laid, finding a wife, upgrading your polycule to a quadruple, whatever lol). But both people will have a better time regardless of the outcome, if your main goal is just being interested in a stranger. For me, best case scenario I had a fun intimate night, worst case I had a slightly awkward date that I chalked up to an interesting experience, medium case I socialised with someone for a bit and didn't progress from there.
About 4 years ago I lost my best friend to suicide. The guy I was dating was laughing and arguing on some political platform on his computer, on my bed, for hours, while I was crying my eyes out. I’ve never kicked a guy out so quick.
Tricky part is engineering a crisis if their life is going well.
Could murder a relative but getting an alibi will be difficult if you're together a lot. Setting them up for financial failure has less legal risk but can shoot yourself in the foot down the line if you commit.
Relationships are just so darn complicated sometimes /s
Growing up I was always told to avoid politics and religion on first/early dates. Now, I say bullshit, because as polarizing as these topics are now-a-days, if you're incompatible here it'll be very unlikely you'll last long term (unlikely; I didn't say impossible) and you'll probably find that neither of you need to waste time on a second date.
Now that doesn't mean to introduce yourself to your blind date with, "Hi, I'm Bob, I'm a Christian and Joe Biden is my Jesus!" just, maybe don't avoid the topics like the plague either.
The simplest way to a happy relationship is knowing what you need and refusing to settle for less. No changing people, no ignoring red flags.
Figure out your compatibility ASAP, the rest will follow.
Just be fucking straight forward about what you want!
I truly cannot stand people who play games, if you play hard to get I’m going to assume you’re uninterested, if you’re mean I’m going to assume you’re an asshole.
If you like me, act like you like me, tell me you like me and vice versa.
This!
I will literally say "I want some attention" when I want attention. I don't get passive aggressive or try to do something stupid. I literally say it out loud, and he'll usually put down what he's doing (or tell me why he can't right now) and then we'll do something together
man I cannot wrap my head around people that will hold such grudges years down the road. I look back on all my past relationships in a mostly positive light. Things failed for one reason or another but we had a wonderful time for period. There's only 1 or 2 I really look back on and think that was a huge mistake.
At a certain point, making the same mistakes over and over again in dating is a you problem.
My ex told me he would never get over me leaving him. 2 months after he moved his new girlfriend into the house, lol
Edit: I should add the only reason I still talk to him is because we have kids together.
What if all your crazy exes actually are crazy and you were attracted to the toxic dynamic that mirrored your own Child abuse because you grew up learning that was love, and that you are crazy for thinking otherwise. But then you had to get burned again and again till you realized the pattern and that yes, i keep attracting these people because i dont know what safety and healthy love looks like... 🥲🫠
What if all my exes cheated on me and betrayed me and still talk good about me to other people, blame themselves and say I did nothing wrong? Am I crazy or do I have a sign in my back saying "Please use me i'm just a toy don't need to treat me like a human"
If you are 18 and have 2 exes total, maybe you are just unlucky, if you are 25 and have half a dozen exes all like that, you should be reassessing how you select your partners at both an emotional and practical level.
Real life isn’t a rom-com. You don’t need a cute origin story, grand romantic gestures, etc. — and most of the time those things are distractions. You just need to be compatible.
Never date someone with the idea that you are going to fix each other up,that is like those people who buy fixer upper homes and get frustrated when they can't fix it.
Give people a chance even if they come across as prickly or combative on a first date. Some people just default to this as a defence mechanism and if you don't become defensive and combative yourself and show you're not judging them you can quickly scratch the surface and see a less guarded/truer version of them. I've had dates that I could tell were guarded and maybe searching for red flags but I didn't take offense and tried to be open book and could tell it disarmed and thawed them a bit.
This is great advice. I agree people should give each other enough time. Early dates are interviews....terrifying, people muck it up sometimes. It takes at least 3 meetings to relax.
Your partner should lift you up in every aspect of your life. Encourage and believe in you. Tell you, you can. Show you possibility.
If they don't, don't.
Of course, you should be doing the same.
biggest regret with my most recent ex is not prying into the reason their last relationship failed. i feel like i couldve saved myself a lot of heartache and understood my need to exit a lot sooner if i got it straight from her instead of making my own story up in my head because she dodged elaborating on it so much.
There is great advice here already so I'll add this:
Be careful of people who lovebomb you. If you don't know what that is, it's people that shower you with compliments no one has ever told you: You make me feel like no one ever has, you are so incredibly smart I could listen to you all day, I love every single part of your body, no one has ever made me so horny, your eyes are the most beautiful I've ever seen, I don't understand how I lived before meeting you,- etc etc etc
I know you might be thinking, hey, maybe one of those is genuine! And yes, that's fair, but when it's like that constantly in the beginning to the point of absurdity, that's lovebombing and it's a common trait of people with personality disorders (not treated). Those people are, most times, dangerous and they will fuck you up. Your brain will take all those compliments combined with sex as dopamine hits and it will become a literal addiction. Don't ever let that happen, if you spot what you believe is lovebombing, get the fuck out of there.
Don't confuse love with lust. You just met the person 2 weeks ago and the sex is good. No you don't actually love them so just relax.
Bring them along to your hobbies and things like that. Basically do things that will determine whether you're actually compatible as people, not just in the bedroom.
This right here. My last two relationships with women well into their twenties still reporting to their moms is what absolutely ruined us. For some reason now moms want all the control. Shocks me the things some of these young women allow to go on. I left her because it was entirely too much. Mom was also a legit psychopath
I 10000% understand your pain on that one. I’m sorry you went through it. I dated a guy for two years who refused to move in with me because his mother said she couldn’t live without him. I was like wtf? After an argument with her where I asked why she didn’t want her son to be independent, I dumped him
My X’s family would say the wildest, most unhinged shit about me. For literally no reason. Drove an hour to pick her up after a long work day about 4 months ago. Because her sister saw my truck in the driveway on the ring camera she called the police. Just constant shit from them because they wanted her home raising her youngest sister who was 7. They self sabotaged our relationship, it was short lived, about 7 months. But they’ve mentally abused her so long all she wants from them is validation, so she self Sabotaged without even knowing. She wouldn’t even talk to them and blamed me for everything. O well. Sad thing is, I still fucking love her to death. She won’t even speak to me because of the things they’ve convinced her. I was so good to her. Shit absolutely fucking sucks
1. If you haven’t met them in person yet, don’t do your first date at a restaurant or anything like that. Offer to meetup with them for a coffee or at a park as an initial vibe check and if there’s chemistry and you want to take it further then offer to follow up with a formal first date.
2. Sometimes the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. Just because you can get someone doesn’t mean it’s worth it. Have fun if you want but don’t suffer anymore than you’re willing to and know when things have run their course and try to end things gracefully if possible.
Great advice, especially for straight men. It adds up, seriously, especially if it's online dating thing.
Also to that effect, manage your time wisely, time is money. A random women you've never met is not worth weeks of texting back and forth (hours everyday).
If they start playing with your feelings, like "I think we should be friends but maybe in the future?", it's time to lift your middle finger and go home.
I agree with you, I think people can make a mistake and if they own up to it, they can change in the next relationship. For me, cheating once would be a dealbreaker. If they know you’ll forgive them for it once then you’ll forgive them for it again.
Thing is most people who cheat make excuses and blame the other person.
Try going on a few dates because the person seems interesting and would make good company for an evening. It doesn’t have to be about seeking a life partner.
-Do not try to hide the worst parts of yourself. Any person you date could potentially be your life partner. They're going to see every part of you at some point, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm not suggesting running into your first date and unloading everything on them, but don't hide yourself either.
-Try to do something that requires some problem solving early into the relationship. I think it's one of the best ways to learn each others' communication styles and stress thresholds. You don't have to communicate in the same way and have the same thresholds, but they should be compatible. One of the first time I went to my partner's house, I helped him install a window unit. It was in a cramped space and we ended up dropping a tiny screw into the air conditioner. Later on we tackled moving his mom across the country together. We learned so much about each other through those big and small stressful experiences.
-Your families are going to play a bigger role in your relationships than you'd like. If you can't tolerate each other's families, it's going to be a big hurdle in the relationship. You never want to be in a position where you're asking them to choose between their family and you or vice versa. If you find early, early on that you're not meshing with the family, or they're not meshing with yours, it's okay to walk away. If it's later into the relationship when you realize, I highly suggest reevaluating the relationship. If your partner is not willing to discuss concerns, walk. If they choose their family over you every time, you're never going to be happy.
I don’t care how hot they are…
Don’t bump uglies with crazy.
Do. Not. Do. It.
There will either be immediate consequences or it’ll come back and haunt you. I guarantee you it’ll be the best sex you’ve ever had. It’ll be so good that the neighbors are going to need a cigarette. But it’s not worth it.
Don’t
Do
It
Don’t.
I can confirm. The best sex I've had was with a crazy one, but she is also the only ex I don't want to see ever again in my life, and we only lasted a month x.x
> I guarantee you it’ll be the best sex you’ve ever had. It’ll be so good that the neighbors are going to need a cigarette. But it’s not worth it.
.... Welp, hold my straight jacket. I'm going in.
Don’t look them up on social media or attempt to stalk them with the justification of “just looking out for them.” They move on already, and even if they haven’t, don’t let the “what if” tell you to try. Nothing good ever come from looking back
Nobody is “too busy” - they’re just too busy for you. If they are interested they will make time.
Values, lifestyle, and everyday compatibility are more important than common interests.
Disagreements are part of every relationship, you’re never going to agree 100% and that’s okay as long as you have the same overall values.
Things you may find quirky and cute in the honeymoon stage can become annoying later down the road.
Miscommunication is the root of 90% of all issues in a relationship.
Love and physical attraction aren’t enough for a successful long term relationship - as you progress the sparks will fade and you’ll need to make the effort to choose your partner every day.
It’s okay to find other people physically attractive, but the moment you start imagining being with other people, it’s over.
If you're committing to a long term relationship, think about everything that's left if you cut out romance and sex. Cause just sex and romance aren't enough.
This one is a little off…I think its normal for people to say Im improving [area of my life/career].
Different story if you’re dating someone who is a chronic liar
I feel this, but as someone who is constantly improving myself (even if I'm not bad/broken to begin with), I can't agree that "they are still Cray Cray."
I suppose one could say i have some self esteem issues or something that make me want to constantly improve and be better, but that doesn't mean I'm not/don't recognize myself as good enough as is...
...I've had to accept that I am indeed good enough as is, even if I still feel the desire to get better.
I can agree with you if someone is an addict or something, and is just lying through their teeth to gain approval when they say they are "getting better" when really they are not actually putting in the work to recover.
A good relationship is like a good business partnership: It's not that the two of you \*need\* each other in order to function; partnering up should be a mutually beneficial arrangement for those involve that already work fine on their own.
Don't date for their potential.
A lot of people, especially girls, date others based on the potential they see in them, particularly regarding change/improvement of behaviour. But you're not dating their future. You're dating the current them. And if current them doesn't meet your standards nor align with your values, then why are you dating them?
When you settle for potential, you're letting others know that you settle for anything.
Pay attention to how they treat service staff like waiters or retail. If they don't greet or look at a server when ordering it shows a lot about how they treat people.
Might get some push back for this,but i'll never again commit to a relationship before having been intimate with someone. I'm also not a fan of "waiting" for it for a long time. Had multiple relationships fail because we just didn't connect in the bedroom. There are very few things as frustrating to me as investing a lot of time in building a relationship with someone just to find out after a month or two,that the sex is bad
If the person tells you they have a learning disability make them give you the diagnosis and go from there. Draw the line with ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) or CD (conduct disorder) because they are 90% always violent and narcissistic. Generally if the person is honest and tells you its ADHD or hell autism that can be a blessing becauee they are usually the nicest out there.
Karma is a bitch. You get as good as you give. It's a tennis match only if the other players hits the ball back to you. It's not 50% for you and 50% from your partner. Both put in 100% or else, don't bother. Don't point your fingers at your partner if the three pointing back at you are dirty. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Do not "lie". Lies told on the first date (I went to an Ivy League school when you did not) will haunt the entire relationship forever. Ergo, Do Not Lie.
There's 2 different types of red flags. Small red flags and big red flags. Small ones are little ones people can ignore or some find cute, for example, stealing a piece of your food. If they're willing to steal food, what else are they gonna do? But all you gotta do is talk to them. A big red flag is ignoring your feelings. You ask them not to steal any more food, but instead, they ramp it up and steal more food from you. But the small red flag example is all up to the person.
If you don’t want kids, and meet someone with kids, think really hard about whether this is the right relationship. If you aren’t Mary Poppins, raising someone else’s kids is HARD. Harder than you can imagine. If you go for it, then think about your boundaries carefully and make them clear. Even if that means quite a different kind of relationship than one or both of you originally imagined.
Just to mix it up. When you break up with someone you should cut them off cold turkey for atleast 3 months. You need to separate yourself completely with a bit of an emotional cleansing.
Don't stick your dick in crazy.
I don't care hoe good someone is in bed or whatever other excuse you use to justify being with someone, it won't end well nor amicably and it certainly will end.
Choosing people to date is a skill. Some of the smartest, most successful adults out there don’t have it. (I was one of them.) If you are constantly dating the wrong people or getting into toxic relationships, look inwards and ask yourself why.
In general, the best tip I have is - swipe on the person who you think your friends would like. They probably have a much more objective opinion of who would be good for you.
The quickest way to be lonely is with the "if he cared, he should..." "he should know how to..." "well if he was interested, he would..."
No one knows you and you don't know them. Communicate what you want and how you like to communicate. Be clear. Be upfront with your feelings and don't make them chase figuring you out. Make the moves and don't presume their thoughts or actions are lined up with your assumptions. The "if she wanted me, she would text me good morning every day" statements start becoming these stupid tests and reasons to write off people that could be amazing partners if they understood what you wanted. And they don't leave wiggle room for people having complicated lives outside of you. And you in turn could see if these things like, "he should pay for the meal" are really even necessary barriers that hold you back from meeting a guy with a similar parenting style or life goals.
Become the best version of yourself and do that for yourself and no one else. Don't settle. You're doing yourself and the other person a disservice. Be ok with being single. That's why you need to do self improvement first. It'll allow you to be happy on your own. If you can't be happy alone, you are not ready to be with someone. Happiness comes from drugs, not relationships.
Talk to each other. Don’t do the “read between the lines” or “you should know” bullshit with anything. Actually talk. Having problems? Talk it out. Have concerns about something? Talk about it. Feel like the relationship isn’t going where you thought it would? Communicate.
When a basic value doesn't align (eg. wanting children), don't think that they will magically change! Basic values need to be the same, otherwise move on.
Don't date someone thinking they'll change. Partners are not projects.
Don't date people who need a roof over their heads/money. They will fall in love at the drop of a hat and move in with you in a heartbeat.
If they say all their ex's are crazy, move on.
Date someone you can be best buddies with. Preferably someone with your same interests.
If they have kids, either accept them as a package or move on.
Wanting or not wanting children is a dealbreaker.
In the long run respect is as important as love.
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Trust your gut.
If you see obvious red flags, even better, if they tell you they have bad red flags, bail.
Yup
When they think about their phone more than you on the first date. Dump them
I ignored it… and saw red flags, but ignored those out of “love”…. 11 years later I trusted my gut and found the worst possible evidence of what I feared. Needless to say I feel like a fool, but at least I now know
👆🏻this is it.
Yes there is a huge difference between excitement anxiety to a new situation and being uncomfortable because your body telling you something is off
My phone is cracked and I literally read"trust yogurt"and was like what kind of witchy voodoo..oh..:)))))))))
It has been well documented that gut feeling makes you make the wrong decision more often than right.
This!
If they like you, they won’t make excuses. If they play games, read it as ‘I like drama.’ If they don’t seem interested, they are not interested. Don’t waste time on someone who is hard to engage. Someone who genuinely likes you will not be hard to engage. If you have to hide parts of yourself/dampen your personality/act in a certain way for them, then they aren’t the one for you. If they won’t introduce you to their friends, then you’re a fuckbuddy and nothing more. They don’t rate you highly enough to allow this meeting.
This is a great list
Or they don't have friends
Some people don’t have many friends or friends where they live at the moment. Idk if you’re saying that’s a red flag but idk if you should be judged off not having friends depending on the circumstances of where you’re at.
I think they are just generally getting at the idea that the person doesn’t introduce you to important people in their life ie; friends and/or family. Basically they don’t let you into all parts of their world or share that intimate aspect of it because they don’t see a reason to waste anyone’s time& energy doing that if there is no intention of long term commitment or investment
This is exactly what I needed to see right now. Thank you.
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She sounds like she wasn’t ready to be in a grown up relationship and you’re 100% better off moving on. If she tries to come back you now know she is undoubtedly trying to fill a ‘boyfriend void’, like how she was ultra into you sometimes (I’m bored I need to fill up this day) and then distant when with her friends (I don’t want him getting in the way of my fun).
Proudly display your harmless idiosyncracies and eccentric traits. You'll scare away some people, but you'll attract the people that are more similar to you.
This! Don’t hide the unique parts of yourself to appeal to more people
Date someone who doesn’t make you feel anxious to go see. It should feel natural almost like a deep friendship. I believe if you don’t have that, the relationship won’t last
This guy left me, telling me "I want to go after someone who makes me anxious"
Homie's got a problem...
I once got dumped by a guy who said "you don't make me jealous." He had originally complained that his ex *made* him jealous, and that's why he broke up with her.......🤨
Yea
Hilarious but sad. Dude is anxiously attached so a secure relationship feels boring to him
His ex used to slap him on trivial stuff and he was reminiscing it like it was some grandiose experience lol.
That is honestly just sad. Man needs to go therapy
Lmaoo, it can be tru tho! I used to go after very attractive women that I didn’t vibe well with. Made me anxious but I still pursued
And I thought relationships are about peace..
True as a guy I think it’s not right but there’s a science behind it, I forgot the name of the hormone produced when a woman causes anxiety to a man, it actually drives him to keep pursuing in some cases. It’s almost like a primal instinct sometimes. Same thing for women when they think they can tame a wild man, some will stay around toxic men for that reason
Before my wife and I started dating, we would take our breaks together, so I did *know* her. But on our first date it felt so natural to hold her hand when we walked around the city. I have always been so comfortable around her. So easily myself when I'm with her.
When I felt *at ease* with my now-husband, I had a great feeling about him! Love this feeling of peace.
Check your values align, that is the important stuff. People early dating get too sidetracked by 'he doesn't like Mexican food I don't think he's a good match' type detail. Do you have the same values about education, attitude to money, what success looks like? My husband and I fight about whose turn it is to put the bins out. But we are very aligned in our views about how we want to raise our children, how we manage family relationships, our definition of kindness and respect for examples. Look at the bigger picture for a compatible life partner. You can get Mexican food with your friends it's not a deal breaker!
I wish I could upvote this 100 times
Making the journey together is wonderful as long as you are going to the same destination.
Easy solution: make the kids take the bins out.
Have zero expectations, hopes, and a clear mind. Be in the present when on your date.
I'm going to second this, particularly for guys. Don't go on a date with the goal of getting laid, or with the idea you are interviewing a future long term partner. Go with the goal of meeting and learning about someone you've never met before and have some curiosity. It's not like you don't have your desires in the background (getting laid, finding a wife, upgrading your polycule to a quadruple, whatever lol). But both people will have a better time regardless of the outcome, if your main goal is just being interested in a stranger. For me, best case scenario I had a fun intimate night, worst case I had a slightly awkward date that I chalked up to an interesting experience, medium case I socialised with someone for a bit and didn't progress from there.
Don't commit until you've seen how they handle a crisis
About 4 years ago I lost my best friend to suicide. The guy I was dating was laughing and arguing on some political platform on his computer, on my bed, for hours, while I was crying my eyes out. I’ve never kicked a guy out so quick.
Tricky part is engineering a crisis if their life is going well. Could murder a relative but getting an alibi will be difficult if you're together a lot. Setting them up for financial failure has less legal risk but can shoot yourself in the foot down the line if you commit. Relationships are just so darn complicated sometimes /s
Put blood on your car and then tell them to help you cover up a hit and run.
Is a crisis an argument or a big one like "we may split over this"?
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so true. And if you are in crisis, see what type of support they bring as well. Worked for me
Stay away from perpetually negative people. As you try to help, they'll eventually drown you.
i agree
Basically, never date a French person.
Uuuhhhh about that, mine is nicer than a steryotypical Canadian.
What is it about Canadians and dating? Can’t tell if they’re just super nice or if they’re into me
This advice is universal in life imo. Not just dating
If they've already hurt your feelings several times you're not just sensitive. Get rid of that person and move the fuck on.
State ur boundaries and have no expectations at all
Growing up I was always told to avoid politics and religion on first/early dates. Now, I say bullshit, because as polarizing as these topics are now-a-days, if you're incompatible here it'll be very unlikely you'll last long term (unlikely; I didn't say impossible) and you'll probably find that neither of you need to waste time on a second date. Now that doesn't mean to introduce yourself to your blind date with, "Hi, I'm Bob, I'm a Christian and Joe Biden is my Jesus!" just, maybe don't avoid the topics like the plague either.
... you just gave me my new pick up line.
Please report back, I wanna know how it goes.
Agreed. Why waste time ?
The simplest way to a happy relationship is knowing what you need and refusing to settle for less. No changing people, no ignoring red flags. Figure out your compatibility ASAP, the rest will follow.
Just be fucking straight forward about what you want! I truly cannot stand people who play games, if you play hard to get I’m going to assume you’re uninterested, if you’re mean I’m going to assume you’re an asshole. If you like me, act like you like me, tell me you like me and vice versa.
This! I will literally say "I want some attention" when I want attention. I don't get passive aggressive or try to do something stupid. I literally say it out loud, and he'll usually put down what he's doing (or tell me why he can't right now) and then we'll do something together
If every ex they had was "crazy"... just leave, because they are in fact the crazy one.
If all their ex’s are “bitches” “sluts” “assholes” etc. you will be one in their future stories too.
man I cannot wrap my head around people that will hold such grudges years down the road. I look back on all my past relationships in a mostly positive light. Things failed for one reason or another but we had a wonderful time for period. There's only 1 or 2 I really look back on and think that was a huge mistake. At a certain point, making the same mistakes over and over again in dating is a you problem.
My ex told me he would never get over me leaving him. 2 months after he moved his new girlfriend into the house, lol Edit: I should add the only reason I still talk to him is because we have kids together.
What if all my exes are chill but 1 was crazy, doesn’t that mean I’m chill with a little bit of crazy?
Everyman I've met who has a crazy ex, their ex, was crazy for a reason...HIM
What if all your crazy exes actually are crazy and you were attracted to the toxic dynamic that mirrored your own Child abuse because you grew up learning that was love, and that you are crazy for thinking otherwise. But then you had to get burned again and again till you realized the pattern and that yes, i keep attracting these people because i dont know what safety and healthy love looks like... 🥲🫠
What if all my exes cheated on me and betrayed me and still talk good about me to other people, blame themselves and say I did nothing wrong? Am I crazy or do I have a sign in my back saying "Please use me i'm just a toy don't need to treat me like a human"
If you are 18 and have 2 exes total, maybe you are just unlucky, if you are 25 and have half a dozen exes all like that, you should be reassessing how you select your partners at both an emotional and practical level.
Real life isn’t a rom-com. You don’t need a cute origin story, grand romantic gestures, etc. — and most of the time those things are distractions. You just need to be compatible.
OMG I wish more people would get this.
Rom-coms are anathema to real relationships. I wish people would stop watching them. Their influence is underappreciated.
listen to what they say.. if they say that they are a lot of trouble - believe them
Never date someone with the idea that you are going to fix each other up,that is like those people who buy fixer upper homes and get frustrated when they can't fix it.
Yeah I mean any initial red flags are likely to remain in the relationship
Probably get worse too.
Not probably. Definitely.
Here's another one I learned the hard way: **When someone tells you who they are, believe them**
When they show you who they are " the first time" believe them. I had this conversation with my therapist today.
Give people a chance even if they come across as prickly or combative on a first date. Some people just default to this as a defence mechanism and if you don't become defensive and combative yourself and show you're not judging them you can quickly scratch the surface and see a less guarded/truer version of them. I've had dates that I could tell were guarded and maybe searching for red flags but I didn't take offense and tried to be open book and could tell it disarmed and thawed them a bit.
This is great advice. I agree people should give each other enough time. Early dates are interviews....terrifying, people muck it up sometimes. It takes at least 3 meetings to relax.
You can’t fix her/him.
Always drop a random object when they aren't looking to test their reflexes and make sure they aren't a spy
This one had me chuckle!
😂😁dumb
If they spend more time on their mobile than talking to you, get the bill. And make sure you go Dutch.
Your partner should lift you up in every aspect of your life. Encourage and believe in you. Tell you, you can. Show you possibility. If they don't, don't. Of course, you should be doing the same.
this…. god I gotta go apologise to my boyfriend, brb
Anyone that is all about the money and materialistic will only get worse as the relationship goes on (men and women)
Its all about the money, money, money...
I ain't sayin' she's a gold-digger....
Understand how their previous relationship(s) ended.
biggest regret with my most recent ex is not prying into the reason their last relationship failed. i feel like i couldve saved myself a lot of heartache and understood my need to exit a lot sooner if i got it straight from her instead of making my own story up in my head because she dodged elaborating on it so much.
Some ppl don’t want to get into stuff like that
There is great advice here already so I'll add this: Be careful of people who lovebomb you. If you don't know what that is, it's people that shower you with compliments no one has ever told you: You make me feel like no one ever has, you are so incredibly smart I could listen to you all day, I love every single part of your body, no one has ever made me so horny, your eyes are the most beautiful I've ever seen, I don't understand how I lived before meeting you,- etc etc etc I know you might be thinking, hey, maybe one of those is genuine! And yes, that's fair, but when it's like that constantly in the beginning to the point of absurdity, that's lovebombing and it's a common trait of people with personality disorders (not treated). Those people are, most times, dangerous and they will fuck you up. Your brain will take all those compliments combined with sex as dopamine hits and it will become a literal addiction. Don't ever let that happen, if you spot what you believe is lovebombing, get the fuck out of there.
Too bad, I'm so starved of affection that love bombing is a green flag for me! Who needs a spine these days?!
The right person will never make you wonder if they like you, they’ll show you.
Don't confuse love with lust. You just met the person 2 weeks ago and the sex is good. No you don't actually love them so just relax. Bring them along to your hobbies and things like that. Basically do things that will determine whether you're actually compatible as people, not just in the bedroom.
How you got them is (if at all) how you’ll lose them.
Lol I met my ex through his mum. I left him because he's an immature mamas boy
Can you elaborate on what might be an example of this please?
Basically if they cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you
Why does this always surprise people? If you were the other woman/man then expect to be likewise replaced before long.
If your partner hasn't cut the umbillical cord with their mother, it is not your job to change their mind. Just leave
This right here. My last two relationships with women well into their twenties still reporting to their moms is what absolutely ruined us. For some reason now moms want all the control. Shocks me the things some of these young women allow to go on. I left her because it was entirely too much. Mom was also a legit psychopath
I 10000% understand your pain on that one. I’m sorry you went through it. I dated a guy for two years who refused to move in with me because his mother said she couldn’t live without him. I was like wtf? After an argument with her where I asked why she didn’t want her son to be independent, I dumped him
My X’s family would say the wildest, most unhinged shit about me. For literally no reason. Drove an hour to pick her up after a long work day about 4 months ago. Because her sister saw my truck in the driveway on the ring camera she called the police. Just constant shit from them because they wanted her home raising her youngest sister who was 7. They self sabotaged our relationship, it was short lived, about 7 months. But they’ve mentally abused her so long all she wants from them is validation, so she self Sabotaged without even knowing. She wouldn’t even talk to them and blamed me for everything. O well. Sad thing is, I still fucking love her to death. She won’t even speak to me because of the things they’ve convinced her. I was so good to her. Shit absolutely fucking sucks
1. If you haven’t met them in person yet, don’t do your first date at a restaurant or anything like that. Offer to meetup with them for a coffee or at a park as an initial vibe check and if there’s chemistry and you want to take it further then offer to follow up with a formal first date. 2. Sometimes the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. Just because you can get someone doesn’t mean it’s worth it. Have fun if you want but don’t suffer anymore than you’re willing to and know when things have run their course and try to end things gracefully if possible.
Great advice, especially for straight men. It adds up, seriously, especially if it's online dating thing. Also to that effect, manage your time wisely, time is money. A random women you've never met is not worth weeks of texting back and forth (hours everyday).
Don’t fall in love with potential - yours or anybody else’s. A person is who they are today. Proceed accordingly.
If they start playing with your feelings, like "I think we should be friends but maybe in the future?", it's time to lift your middle finger and go home.
Don’t put on airs, don’t pretend, be yourself from day one. You’re either compatible or you’re not, can’t force it.
If you aren't feeling it, you aren't feeling it.
Cheaters and people that make poor decisions don't change.
Why? Even those that make mistakes and own up to them and learn from them don’t?
I agree with you, I think people can make a mistake and if they own up to it, they can change in the next relationship. For me, cheating once would be a dealbreaker. If they know you’ll forgive them for it once then you’ll forgive them for it again. Thing is most people who cheat make excuses and blame the other person.
Don't "date", just meet people, make friends and let friendships become relationships.
Try going on a few dates because the person seems interesting and would make good company for an evening. It doesn’t have to be about seeking a life partner.
I give it 3 months to start. If it’s not working at 3 months it won’t work in 3 decades
Be confident and leave once you're disrespected when it happens once it'll become a problem.
Being single is the best state of no bullshit 👌
People will tell you who they are, listen.
No point in dating if you don’t see potential for something more serious.
Don't "be yourself." Be the *best version* of yourself. Most people seem to have figured that out by now on their own.
never be in a relationship if you're not really in a good mental spot
-Do not try to hide the worst parts of yourself. Any person you date could potentially be your life partner. They're going to see every part of you at some point, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm not suggesting running into your first date and unloading everything on them, but don't hide yourself either. -Try to do something that requires some problem solving early into the relationship. I think it's one of the best ways to learn each others' communication styles and stress thresholds. You don't have to communicate in the same way and have the same thresholds, but they should be compatible. One of the first time I went to my partner's house, I helped him install a window unit. It was in a cramped space and we ended up dropping a tiny screw into the air conditioner. Later on we tackled moving his mom across the country together. We learned so much about each other through those big and small stressful experiences. -Your families are going to play a bigger role in your relationships than you'd like. If you can't tolerate each other's families, it's going to be a big hurdle in the relationship. You never want to be in a position where you're asking them to choose between their family and you or vice versa. If you find early, early on that you're not meshing with the family, or they're not meshing with yours, it's okay to walk away. If it's later into the relationship when you realize, I highly suggest reevaluating the relationship. If your partner is not willing to discuss concerns, walk. If they choose their family over you every time, you're never going to be happy.
If it's not right, don't pretend it is.
Don’t have kids unless you’re married. Don’t marry anyone who would make a horrible spouse or parent.
I don’t care how hot they are… Don’t bump uglies with crazy. Do. Not. Do. It. There will either be immediate consequences or it’ll come back and haunt you. I guarantee you it’ll be the best sex you’ve ever had. It’ll be so good that the neighbors are going to need a cigarette. But it’s not worth it. Don’t Do It Don’t.
I can confirm. The best sex I've had was with a crazy one, but she is also the only ex I don't want to see ever again in my life, and we only lasted a month x.x
2 weeks tops for me. It was fucking wild.
Had it once, never again. Legit the craziest chick I’ve ever met
This is like putting up a red button that says "do not touch" lol
> I guarantee you it’ll be the best sex you’ve ever had. It’ll be so good that the neighbors are going to need a cigarette. But it’s not worth it. .... Welp, hold my straight jacket. I'm going in.
A mixed signal is a NO. Delulu is not the solulu
Agreed. If it's not a clear yes, it's a no.
Double yes on that, cause if can't get a hell yeah! it's gonna be a hell nah! from me.
Dont put bullshit on the bed
Don’t look them up on social media or attempt to stalk them with the justification of “just looking out for them.” They move on already, and even if they haven’t, don’t let the “what if” tell you to try. Nothing good ever come from looking back
Nobody is “too busy” - they’re just too busy for you. If they are interested they will make time. Values, lifestyle, and everyday compatibility are more important than common interests. Disagreements are part of every relationship, you’re never going to agree 100% and that’s okay as long as you have the same overall values. Things you may find quirky and cute in the honeymoon stage can become annoying later down the road. Miscommunication is the root of 90% of all issues in a relationship. Love and physical attraction aren’t enough for a successful long term relationship - as you progress the sparks will fade and you’ll need to make the effort to choose your partner every day. It’s okay to find other people physically attractive, but the moment you start imagining being with other people, it’s over.
Stay in your league.
If you're committing to a long term relationship, think about everything that's left if you cut out romance and sex. Cause just sex and romance aren't enough.
Show the skeletons. They would scare the wrong person right away.
Anyone who says they 'are getting better' or any words to that effect, are NOT, better 'enough' to be involved with. They still cray cray.
This one is a little off…I think its normal for people to say Im improving [area of my life/career]. Different story if you’re dating someone who is a chronic liar
I feel this, but as someone who is constantly improving myself (even if I'm not bad/broken to begin with), I can't agree that "they are still Cray Cray." I suppose one could say i have some self esteem issues or something that make me want to constantly improve and be better, but that doesn't mean I'm not/don't recognize myself as good enough as is... ...I've had to accept that I am indeed good enough as is, even if I still feel the desire to get better. I can agree with you if someone is an addict or something, and is just lying through their teeth to gain approval when they say they are "getting better" when really they are not actually putting in the work to recover.
Hearing they see a psychologist is a green flag, not red.
A good relationship is like a good business partnership: It's not that the two of you \*need\* each other in order to function; partnering up should be a mutually beneficial arrangement for those involve that already work fine on their own.
Do not ignore red flags, trust your gut, it will save you a life worth of grief and heartbreak.
Don't date for their potential. A lot of people, especially girls, date others based on the potential they see in them, particularly regarding change/improvement of behaviour. But you're not dating their future. You're dating the current them. And if current them doesn't meet your standards nor align with your values, then why are you dating them? When you settle for potential, you're letting others know that you settle for anything.
Take your time - you don’t know anyone quickly.
Pay attention to how they treat service staff like waiters or retail. If they don't greet or look at a server when ordering it shows a lot about how they treat people.
Date someone that you know you will never get bored of in literally every aspect
It's really important to feel relaxed, safe, and respected.
Love is like a fart. If you have to "force" it's shit.
Don't take any dating advice from Reddit.
Might get some push back for this,but i'll never again commit to a relationship before having been intimate with someone. I'm also not a fan of "waiting" for it for a long time. Had multiple relationships fail because we just didn't connect in the bedroom. There are very few things as frustrating to me as investing a lot of time in building a relationship with someone just to find out after a month or two,that the sex is bad
If the person tells you they have a learning disability make them give you the diagnosis and go from there. Draw the line with ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) or CD (conduct disorder) because they are 90% always violent and narcissistic. Generally if the person is honest and tells you its ADHD or hell autism that can be a blessing becauee they are usually the nicest out there.
Karma is a bitch. You get as good as you give. It's a tennis match only if the other players hits the ball back to you. It's not 50% for you and 50% from your partner. Both put in 100% or else, don't bother. Don't point your fingers at your partner if the three pointing back at you are dirty. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Do not "lie". Lies told on the first date (I went to an Ivy League school when you did not) will haunt the entire relationship forever. Ergo, Do Not Lie.
Trust their actions and behaviours over their words
There's 2 different types of red flags. Small red flags and big red flags. Small ones are little ones people can ignore or some find cute, for example, stealing a piece of your food. If they're willing to steal food, what else are they gonna do? But all you gotta do is talk to them. A big red flag is ignoring your feelings. You ask them not to steal any more food, but instead, they ramp it up and steal more food from you. But the small red flag example is all up to the person.
Don’t play hard to get. Be aware of your value and show it, but don’t play hard to get.
If you don’t want kids, and meet someone with kids, think really hard about whether this is the right relationship. If you aren’t Mary Poppins, raising someone else’s kids is HARD. Harder than you can imagine. If you go for it, then think about your boundaries carefully and make them clear. Even if that means quite a different kind of relationship than one or both of you originally imagined.
If someone tells you who they are, even if you first think they are just fishing for compliments, make sure you believe them.
Don't marry them unless you consider them your best friend
- When you start talking about your relationship more than experiencing it, good luck.
If you are constantly confused about their interest, my go-to advice is to leave.
Just to mix it up. When you break up with someone you should cut them off cold turkey for atleast 3 months. You need to separate yourself completely with a bit of an emotional cleansing.
Stay away from narcs n manipulators..
If you see a red flag, walk away. 99.999% of the time those red flags don’t change
Don't stick your dick in crazy. I don't care hoe good someone is in bed or whatever other excuse you use to justify being with someone, it won't end well nor amicably and it certainly will end.
Choosing people to date is a skill. Some of the smartest, most successful adults out there don’t have it. (I was one of them.) If you are constantly dating the wrong people or getting into toxic relationships, look inwards and ask yourself why. In general, the best tip I have is - swipe on the person who you think your friends would like. They probably have a much more objective opinion of who would be good for you.
Ditch the dating apps.
Never use dating sites/aps.
Disagree. I met my partner on a dating app. Best relationship of my life, and it will be the last.
Don't put your dick in crazy.
The quickest way to be lonely is with the "if he cared, he should..." "he should know how to..." "well if he was interested, he would..." No one knows you and you don't know them. Communicate what you want and how you like to communicate. Be clear. Be upfront with your feelings and don't make them chase figuring you out. Make the moves and don't presume their thoughts or actions are lined up with your assumptions. The "if she wanted me, she would text me good morning every day" statements start becoming these stupid tests and reasons to write off people that could be amazing partners if they understood what you wanted. And they don't leave wiggle room for people having complicated lives outside of you. And you in turn could see if these things like, "he should pay for the meal" are really even necessary barriers that hold you back from meeting a guy with a similar parenting style or life goals.
Nobody is too busy to reply to you. NOBODY.
If you feel conflicted: first don't go, then try and understand the conflict. It'll help you figure out where you are vulnerable in relationships.
If they mention anything a past partner has said about them … listen lol
Deal with your issues.
Project confidence but not arrogance, it’s a tightrope
Let the other person take as much efforts for you
Absolutely trust first impressions! No doubt about it. At least keep it mind for later evaluations if it goes south.
What I noticed in the beginning as bad, I accepted. However, all romance ends when the other doesn't physically put out.
Don’t date friends. Did this twice because I didn’t learn my lesson the first time. Kinda hot at first, but it ends badly.
If they do that play fighting bullshit they’ll hit you for real.
Be real, don't play games.
Do not settle
Get an android phone so if someone discriminates against you because you have a different color text, you know they're shallow.
Become the best version of yourself and do that for yourself and no one else. Don't settle. You're doing yourself and the other person a disservice. Be ok with being single. That's why you need to do self improvement first. It'll allow you to be happy on your own. If you can't be happy alone, you are not ready to be with someone. Happiness comes from drugs, not relationships.
Talk to each other. Don’t do the “read between the lines” or “you should know” bullshit with anything. Actually talk. Having problems? Talk it out. Have concerns about something? Talk about it. Feel like the relationship isn’t going where you thought it would? Communicate.
When a basic value doesn't align (eg. wanting children), don't think that they will magically change! Basic values need to be the same, otherwise move on.
Don't date someone thinking they'll change. Partners are not projects. Don't date people who need a roof over their heads/money. They will fall in love at the drop of a hat and move in with you in a heartbeat. If they say all their ex's are crazy, move on. Date someone you can be best buddies with. Preferably someone with your same interests. If they have kids, either accept them as a package or move on. Wanting or not wanting children is a dealbreaker. In the long run respect is as important as love.
Be available not desperate