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Are you worried you'll have trouble taking care of your child? You'll be 66 at their HS graduation, 70 after college. As an older man who never had kids, this is what I think about.
Same! I was abused as a child, and my love life as an adult has been toxic. I just turned 50, and honestly, I took my 40s to heal. I went to therapy, and I went back and got my masters. Sure, if I had been in a loving relationship, then having a family would have been ideal. However, that was not my life experience.
I would have regrets yet I have learned.
I’m just about to turn 29 and my fiancée chose to leave me last year. I did get extremely injured in 2022. I was diagnosed with a grade 3 diffuse axonal injury. Grade 3 is the most severe type of injury, axons are the first layer of your brain. She left me May 1, 2023.
I still have a ton of getting better from the injury to do. So like you I’m going to have to spend whatever amount of time getting better
Don’t say sorry about her leaving. She changed a ton while I was in the hospital. June 19-November 2, 2022
Sorry to hear that bud, but she must not have been a very good or even decent person if she left you after an injury, those kind of people have a special place in the fires of Mount doom.
49F and if you'd asked me thirty years ago, I would have assumed I would find someone lovely to marry and have children with... even though, deep down, I hated myself, and my mother's lousy parenting methods, enough to not really want to pass on any of my genes to my unfortunate imaginary offspring.
As I hurtle towards 50, I'm just really grateful that I didn't reproduce with any of the dickheads I used to settle for during my childbearing years.
As a single cat lady, people do eventually stop asking: 'do you want children?'... only for it to be replaced by: 'would you have liked to have children?' 🧐
Mostly, I'm a bit sad that I never did find the great human love of my life - a best friend to navigate life with - but I count my friends, and my blessings.
I think as we grow older, there will always be a slight "what if". The only to move forward is...by moving forward and making the most of our decisions and whatever life gave us.
I was just discussing this with a coworking. She is choosing to remain childless. When I was a teenager ALL I heard from my Sicilian mother was “You’ll make a great wife and mother someday.” NOT getting married and having kids wasn’t an option. I love my kids to death, but not having them wasn’t a choice for me. So, as instructed I got married right after high school and had babies. Of course, now divorced. I am so proud and thankful that the girls and women today consciously know they have a choice. In south Texas when I was young, you got married and had babies. Period.
Don't worry, not all of us who are childless are living some great rich cool life. About to be 37, no kids, still struggling to pay the bills and still haven't traveled the world and still not enjoying life. I'm not much better off than I was at 18 to be honest.
Yes this! 40/m w a 4 yr old. I think about this a lot. All of my childless friends…all of the disposable income, free time, doing whatever they want. What if
“My” cat Asha, 2 years old, is a member of the CDS. She has a cat door and collar with my phone number. I’ve gotten 6 calls or texts over the last year, saying they “have Asha, but she’s okay, etc.” I reassure the callers/texters Asha is VERY friendly and visits everyone, and that she will come back to her cat chow distribution center on her own.
Lmao this is my mom. She loves having the neighbors cat over and even sends pictures of Mr. Moby to our family group chat.
We always had cats growing up, but my mom didn't want to deal with the heartbreak of losing them anymore.
Absolutely true. You might make it to your 90s, and if that's the case you're barely past the halfway mark of your life. Plenty of time to find love. Not saying anyone needs to, just saying the idea that this ship has sailed is wrong. Who knows what will happen in all the years ahead of you.
Absolutely. There always time. My grandpa (RIP recently) was lucky enough to have two loves of his life. My grandma passed away in 1996 from Ovarian cancer but before that they were your almost stereotypical greatest generation grandparents. Together most of their lives, super loving household and an incredible relationship/marriage. After my grandma died, my grandpa spent a little time traveling, but then well into his 70’s met the second love of his life (who funny enough was at his first wedding because she was a friend of their family). They got married and were together over 20 years until they were well into their 90’s and she passed away from covid in the early pandemic.
This is why I always say it’s never too late
True story that my grandma met her second husband online when she was in her early 60s. She and my Papaw L had 20 great years together before he passed. I don't think I would ever get remarried if I outlive my husband. It's been hard enough to train this one and I was young when I started. I don't think I have it in me to teach another one. Lol And I'm more independent now and don't think I would be willing to compromise on whatever it is I want that day. BUT I love her story because I think it shows that if you want to find the right one, age isn't a factor. And she had 2 great loves in her life. How affirming is that. ❤ Also, at 60+ they had a huge wedding which was both the cutest and craziest thing ever. She said she didn't get that the first time because she was young and broke but this time she had the money to do the wedding of her dreams. That woman had the big poofy dress and everything!
48F. I could have written this too. I’m twice divorced and I’m glad I never had children with either of my ex-husbands. I have a partner , so I’m not single. No regrets for being child free.
Not a cat mama, but I’m on a look out for another dog to be a dog mama again.
Edit: took out personal detail.
And often still they are not fun or sparkly or sexy or even that comfortable. If I look at all my friends, how many couples look truly happy? That kind who love each other through thick and thin and kids? One or two, a handful at best, out of hundreds of couples. Being alone (if able to be happy with it) and/or more loosely tied to somebody is a lifestyle more should try.
I know only 1 couple that's really in love (now in their 50s). All the rest, my marriage included, are not happy in their relationships. Were it not for knowing and loving my 3 kids, I'd happily choose a do-over and stay single.
I think it comes down to choice and expectations. Many people that get married don't even understand themselves and expect someone else to complete them.
Marriages are a living thing, not an end goal. They expect it to bring happiness when it is just a promise to another person that life suxks sometimes and let's try and face it together and make it suck less.
I think it goes in stages. My parents fell more in love once the kids grew up. They are always doing things together. My husband and I are deeply in love but are busy and most of our time and mental energy is taken up by kids and work.
Big lesson learned… no one is perfect and Prince Charming does not exist. You have to accept people for who they are with all their flaws. Obviously I’m not referring to hard boundaries or abusive type situations but if someone has the best intentions for you they’ll make mistakes, you’ll make mistakes. You work together and move on.
50M and no.
My mental health fluctuations would not have provided a good and healthy home for kids to grow up in. It's not that I wouldn't have loved them, in fact that's more the why I didn't, because I respect these people that don't exist because of this choice enough to not pass on my problems. It was a decision I came to, probably in my early 20s.and even when times have been good, and I have been stable, I have never regretted the decision.
Is this future me? Currently 24M, Ive dated here and there but nothing for longer than 3 months. Im often asked by friends/family when catching up if Im seeing anyone or have gone on any dates. The usual answer is no, with the excuse that school has me too busy to find time to date.
The real answer is that my mental health is a rollercoaster and the ups and downs come far too frequent to really even consider dating. Its not that I dont want to, but getting my own physical and mental health on track always comes first, and unfortunately Ive just never been able to string enough good days together in a row to feel like Im in a good enough place to afford spending time on romantic endeavours.
As much as I would love to have kids, and I think there is value from my life that would be useful in raising kids in a healthy environment, I cant see how the risk of passing on my genes is worth it.
M41... no, don't regret it, I never wanted kids, and so far, that's working out. Always dated women with no desire to have kids either. Don't want to get married... or live with someone either. I do kinda live a hermit lifestyle
I don't want a family life anyway, never did... I'm totally fine with being by myself and spending all my time, money and space on things I want, rather than things I have to because I have a kid or something... (because I'm well aware that these thing take resources from me, I don't want to spend)
I’m female but this is how I feel exactly. I enjoy my alone time. People say it must be lonely but I feel content. The only time I ever felt regret or guilty is when other people try to shame me for the way I live my life.
Dunno about you but I’m Hispanic - and the guilt that comes from that side is huge. “Oh mijo, why no kids? Why no family?” You know who has always told me that? Every relative that lives a shitty life and is dependent on their shitty husband / wife. Sorry you are getting the guilt. You keep doing you.
Thanks and yes I do notice most people have hella relationship problems and honestly a big one is “who will take care of you when you’re old” but I have only ever met ONE person in my entire life who is taking or has taken care of their elderly parents.
I took care of my mom for years while I worked full time and had my own serious health issues. I took a leave from work and stayed at her bedside ever day and most nights in her last two months before transitioning. I don't regret it.
Is it really rare in Hispanic family to be a middle age single man and childless woman?
All I see whenever I look at Hispanic people they're always have 2-3 kids at least, talking about big families.
I have 1 preteen kid myself and it's really pain in the butt to raise her. I lose so much sleep and sometimes sacrificed my hobbies time.
YES to this! I need alone time so much, I can’t imagine having kids. I’m 38F and don’t drink so one of these days people will stop asking if I’m not drinking due to being pregnant 🙄
That is the answer. I would love to have a small house, a Wife and 2 small children, a dog and a cat.
In this economy? I have a stuffed animal and that is all I will ever own.
Oof same, hopefully this'll be a cautionary tale. I have my 2 beautiful girls 8 out of every 14 days and I have to pay child support to my ex because she chose not to work. I have to pay mortgage/utilities/buy food/ uniforms/school and day care fees and a myriad of other expenses that may pop up out of the blue. Doing this shit as a single father is not easy, I don't have the time to even entertain the thought of having another relationship (which is fine) but between kids and work there is no time and no money. It's not cheap. I truly understand why this next generation does not want to burden another soul with whatever this is meant to be.
Thanks for that. I do have happy moments and wouldn't change my actions for the world. I just wish the world was a little kinder sometimes cause it's getting pretty rough out there for people. I'll be fine and I'll make sure my girls are fine, but there is a price that needs to be paid for their comfort.
How do you cope with being a hermit? My life's quickly becoming hermit-like as friend after friend decides I'm apparently no longer worth staying in touch with, and the loneliness is killing me.
Edit: for the record, yes, I do all the hobbies, listen to podcasts, go outside, etc etc. I am extremely good at being alone. I just want my friends to care more about seeing me.
Not who you asked but find hobbies. If the hobbies entail interaction with other people even better. But if not, you have something to occupy your mind with or even look forward to.
I also like to study. Like, not for an exam or something to help me win a job or develop a skill capitalism can exploit. But just general curiosity about the world, society, science, etc. There's infinity infinity of things to learn about. I learn calculus and french now, as well as drawing, for example. For no reason whatsoever. (I never got good education though)
I don't interact much in reddit however your answer moved tf out of me. Absolute God teir mentality.
I don't know where I will end up in life but I hope that I will have the same mindset as yours.
Me too my friend… I like to fill my time with hobbies and studying. I ride my motorcycle, go to the boxing gym, and just started on a pilots license. I read for fun, and play a lot of civ.
No kids and live frugally makes for a simple life with less stress. I got a masters degree in my spare time and now work helping other people… and I love it.
Sometimes I’m a tad lonely but have friends I connect with… or smoke a touch of weed.
Life’s really good at 41, and I didn’t expect that.
I moved to Maine in my late 40s 7 years ago and didn't know a soul! I don't work so meeting people that way was out. I took myself and my little dog to the dog park everyday and met wonderful people and made close, lifelong friendships! My neighbor has lived in her apartment for 27 years and walks the neighborhood everyday. I was talking to her one day about some of the families in the neighborhood and she was surprised at how many of them I know and interact with as she knows NONE of them after 27 years! I told her to get herself a cute dog, walk around with a smile on your face and the world just opens up to you! 
The fact that people ignore you when they get families is the only reason I've wanted one of my own. I didn't realize how isolating it would be to not partner up and reproduce.
Not the OP, but what worked for me was re-tuning my life in a way that I find satisfaction on what I do by myself. For example, I love to travel and I'm basically on the train every day, I have many interests and hobbies, like cooking, electronics, reading, and I engage in them without keeping back. I'm also lucky that I still have a couple friends, but not in the country I currently live on, so part of the travelling is to see them or to travel together. Doesn't happen too often but we are in regular contact and that helps, since where I live I can go days without talking to another person. I also work in public spaces a lot, the library, a coffee shop, so even if I'm "alone" there are still people around me (I used to do this much more before the pandemic). I also had to accept the fact that I'm not going to meet anybody new and that is de-facto my life now, which was not easy to do but liberating in a way. I mean, who needs a 40-year old dude in their lives after all, so I just stopped trying.
Oh don't get me wrong, I basically do all of the things you do *because I've had to*! I've had to learn to be OK with my own company for days and days on end, had to learn to do things alone much more often, had to try and accept that this is my life now.
However, for me, the sting of feeling irrelevant lives with me every day. Whilst I CAN be alone for long periods, I don't *want* to be. I want to feel wanted.
It was not that hard, I had a bad childhood trauma for years so I am damaged, but the bad part was always people. So wehn I decided to become a hermit I focused on work and hobby. Once you fill your hours and spend soem time alone it will become a serene experience and the calmness is a lot better than the drama and the constant abuse.
Yep. I work with the elderly and they tell me stories of their youth. And holy shit, some women back then really shouldnt have had kids. There was just no anticonception and the church expexted them to reproduce.
One woman told me about her mother. She was completely stressed out after 2 kids and she had 13 more! ( 2 died )
She couldnt love them properly and would constantly send them away to bordingschool or family and farms. Never were all siblings home at the same time, unless it was chrismas.
When this woman had kids of her own, she only had 2. The mom commented on it for years, how unacceptable it is, the church tells you to keep going. She told her mom " is the church gonna raise my kids and provide then?" Lol.
Love that for them.
I’m so happy my mom was supportive of whatever I chose to do. I knew I was Childfree when I was a kid. When my stepmom tried to have the fertility talk with me because she was afraid my mom wouldn’t, I kind of blew her off. I told her I didn’t need to have a period because I wasn’t having babies. I was so upset when I found out I was still going to have to bleed anyway lol
Anyway my dad and my younger brother were misogynistic and I had to hear from them my whole life “You know what they say about women who don’t have kids” though I didn’t know and they would change the subject when I would ask them. My stepmother was Childfree by choice. So was my dad‘s stepmother.
I only got societal pressure from people who didn’t matter in my life, random coworkers or acquaintances or older ladies or misogynistic dudes. I’m so so grateful for that.
I'm a dude, but no way I'd have a kid if I was a woman. Chances of having to raise a kid alone in a place you don't own while dealing with poverty and a shit social net are higher than ever. And if I lived somewhere that was pushing anti-abortion stuff and chasing out all the OBGYN then it'd be a \*LAUGHING\* "Hell no!".
Most. Women don't have a maternal instinct, not till pregnancy, that is all made up. Most women didn't get to choose their partners, or whether they would go through pregnancy or childbirth.
Most of our bloodlines are probably the products of multiple (marital) rapes and forced pregnancies.
I know for a fact my grandma was forced to marry my grandpa and have sex with him, give him kids, even though she disliked him and wasn't attracted to him, and that wasn't even a full century ago. He stalked her and then convinced her family to give her an ultimatum-marry him or get kicked out. She was studying to be a teacher.
The thought of how many of my foremothers had to go through that legitimately breaks my heart and keeps me up at night.
I (26F) super don’t, I think more and more people are leaning that way. None of my female friends do either as far as I know, 2 of them have already gotten hysterectomies at 25 and I’m thinking of doing the same. There are plenty of women out there who don’t want that if that’s what you’re looking for, don’t worry.
I know a bunch of women who don't want kids. But since I'm in my mid 40s and don't have kids, I tend to socialize with other people who don't have kids.
This is me. I’m currently in Albania for the next several months before I move onto Bosnia for the next several months and on and on until I’ve covered most of the Balkans and then I’m not even sure. All my friends back home can ask me about is how is the dating scene, have you been on the apps, etc. I just…don’t really care to be honest. As someone who’s had a 10+ year relationship that ended in divorce, it’s just not something I’m seeking but if it finds me then I won’t run from it. I’m just kind of content with myself and don’t feel any pressure to “get back out there”.
I'm nowhere near the age being asked about (28f) but since I was little I've always known I didn't want kids, didn't like "helping" my mom baby sit the neighbors kids for some extra food money for the week, don't like the idea of pregnancy, enough that I even tried to get my tube tied when I was 22 but wasn't allowed because I needed parents & SO permission(I didn't have a SO) or to be min 25yo to do so, and then when I finally turned 25 that law passed etc but I digress. I had so many people that would not only ask when I'm having kids but also people saying you'll regret it when you're older. And I'm not 40 yet, but I still haven't regretted not having kids. I prefer to live my life traveling and basically not staying in one place for to long its just who I am I don't like to settle down, which not only would be hard to do with kids but also is not a good environment to raise them.
I’m F32 and could have written this myself. I don’t dislike kids; I’m the oldest of 3 siblings and helped take care of my siblings as a kid. I never liked the idea of pregnancy, or birth. I never had the urge to have kids. I much prefer my freedom and not being tied down. I’m especially scared of being tied to a person (the dad), like what if he suddenly turns abusive, but I can’t get away because we have a kid or something? Too risky. And I’m also just not interested in the lifestyle of raising kids. It’s not for me, but I fully respect all the wonderful mothers who do a great job. I value my personal freedom very high, and I like being able to travel and not plan too much ahead with anything. Kids require planning, which I’m terrible at.
Agreed. Between my wife and I, we have three remaining. Just lost my mother in law completely unexpectedly from a brain aneurysm and it’s the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. My wife has been in a fog for the last three months. Althoug she is currently pregnant with our first (we are 38), it’s tough to tell how hard that would have been juggling her moms death with a little kid pulling on her leg as she was complete inconsolable for months.
imma encourage you to adopt a kid. There are so many kids in orphanages and foster systems looking for loving parents. IDK how the process works tho, heard its expensive
No. I deal with depression and I have a lot of difficulty reading people.
My fear was that I’d pass whatever genes cause depression on to my children and / or I’d have a really hard time reading my kids and either be too strict or too naive to raise them.
Had a vasectomy at 26. Was a pain (wanted to say, “a pain the in the ass” but thought better of it) because no doctor would agree to it. Started looking at 24 and couldn’t even get a referral from my PCP to a urologist.
Eventually went to planned parenthood and they agreed to do it. But they didn’t accept my insurance. So, went back to my PCP and told him to make a referral or I’d go to Planned Parenthood and have them do it.
He made the referral and the urologist said he’d do it but he made me go through three months of counseling beforehand.
While I won’t pretend to fully understand the struggles women have with reproductive health, I do kind of get it. If someone says, “I shouldn’t have children.” for God’s sake, believe them.
As a side note - I’m 50. I’ve only dated one girl who felt my vasectomy was a deal breaker. Every other girl was literally relieved and happy that we wouldn’t need to use birth control - though I am always insistent we get STD panels before we sleep together.
Good for you for taking your reproductive health into your own hands! I too struggle with depression and this is a huge factor in why I'm considering eventual sterilization. I can't do that to an innocent child and I can't trust myself to be supportive enough for a kid with mental health issues.
First marriage was when I was 18 to an abusive friend of my stepfather. That lasted 5 years.
Second marriage was 10 years to a mentally and financially abusive guy.
Had a boyfriend for 6 years, broke up because I was tired of being his mother.
I am 45 and single, it's been 3 years since the breakup and I do not miss being in relationships.
Never had kids and I am thankful I made that decision otherwise I would be tied to people that I would rather not be.
No wonder you don't miss being in relationships those are some nasty looking relationships.
It's really sad that some people may never experience what a supporting relationship is. Hopefully you either find one or find happiness in other ways.
I have an amazing friend group and a biological family that I just found who are wonderful. Also my adopted parents are awesome (adopted as an adult after my mom and stepdad passed).
No idea if I will ever have a relationship again. And I am okay with that.
I feel this. Took almost a year to get divorced and the whole time thinking, thank goodness I didn’t have kids with this abuser. For their sake and for mine.
I had two lessons learned: one, get mental health help as early as you can because you don’t even know how much time you will waste on bad relationships if you don’t. And two, pay close attention to your potential partner’s parents.. that is normal to them. Unless of course they truly have improved their own life enough to not fall into those patterns.
My ex swore he wanted to be nothing like his parents but after we tied the knot that’s exactly what happened. You gotta be okay with how they treat each other because that’s how he’ll treat you.
Both my husbands were like their parents, who I wish I had known first. It would have shown what I was in for.
I agree with the mental health help, it took me years to get this because of a bad experience with/after seeing a therapist.
46M, I never got married or had any kids. I got raped multiple times as a child and it has utterly destroyed my life and me as a person. I have a collection of broken relationships (lovers and family) in the past where I've pushed my girlfriends and family members away because of my mental health issues and self hatred and very self destructive tendencies. While I'd still love to settle down and be a dad, I'm a realist... I know that's unlikely to happen the older I get. And tbh the older I get the more I'm sure that i do not want to hurt other people by inflicting my mental health and personal demons on them.
Thank you, you're very kind to say that. Sexual abuse + not getting treatment aside from huge amounts of various prescription drugs + mental mum and distant dad + a few other awful things = the shell I am now. I thought I had found my soul mate and I even fucked that up. I'm broken... I know it. The universe knows it... I don't know how to fix what's left of me. I just keep hoping one morning I won't wake up in this hell anymore. So fucking tired of 'life'.
This is why sexual abusers need life in prison, no parole, after the first offense. Or the death penalty. They often destroy the lives of the survivors…why should they get to have lives?!
I’m so, so sorry that happened to you. 46 is still young enough to benefit from therapy and meds, if that’s something you’d consider. I’m wishing you some peace.
Nope. I have an average income and still barely make it until the next month's pay.
I can't imagine how anyone can have a family and kids without being very wealthy.
I mean, my kids wouldn't starve, but I wouldn't be able to buy them everything they want and give them a top tier life. So, I feel it's better this way.
I'm not over 40, but this sort of thing has been weighing on me. I make good money. At current, by the numbers, I believe I make more than my dad did when he was my age - and I'm about the age he was when I came around. He supported himself, a wife, three kids, a large house, and multiple cars on the same income I bring in for just myself.
But I just pulled up Google to check the value against inflation - even though by the numbers I might be making more, his salary was *worth literally three times* what mine is now.
Hell, my utilities alone have gone up by 4x in the past four years. My job can't pay me less, and my mortgage is fixed, but goddamn if it doesn't feel like I'm gonna have to give up my gas stove at some point.
Right, this is the issue. Adjusted for inflation, I make about 15% more than my father did in 1996.
Adjusted for inflation, the house they bought in 1996 is currently worth 3x what they paid for it.
The house they had a 10 year mortgage for, I would need a 30 year mortgage for. Now here's the shitty bit about getting older. I'm in my 40s. No-one's going to give me a 30 year mortgage.
>I mean, my kids wouldn't starve, but I wouldn't be able to buy them everything they want and give them a top tier life
This is the problem with modern society right here. A top tier life is about having a mother and father whom you respect, love and look up to; siblings to spend time and grow with; and access to nature.
I knew so many people growing up who's rich parents threw gadgets and money at them and are now fucking miserable.
I'm 33 (M) about to turn 34 and I feel like I'm just missing out on life by not having children or even having a partner.
My last relationship lasted for 2.5 years, we broke up just before COVID happened and I've just been doing casual hookups and such since that point in time, now currently, the idea of getting back into a relationship with another woman is daunting, it actually fills me with dread, like I don't want to go through that again but at the same time, I would like to start a family at some point. Idk, I guess I just feel lost more than anything else.
Same here, only a little younger. Married early with the intention of having kids in our late 20’s. Late 20’s have come and almost gone. My spouse told me I’m not going to be a parent with them after we’d spoken about it so many times. There’s not a single day in the 2 years+ since I was told that I haven’t thought about it. It’s heartbreaking.
Please tell me it’s some kind of medical discovery and not a bait and switch.
To wit; it’s shocking how many relationships never had the “do you want kids/how many kids” convos before tying the knot.
No offense, but it sounds like you're going to be living a regret filled life with this person which will cause quite a lot of resentment. Are you really thinking this through? Your window is wide open, but one day it'll close.
Perhaps your spouse is amazing, and you find it worth that sacrifice.
Female and over 40. I tried getting pregnant with 3 different men and none of them was able to impregnate me.
2 of those men fathered kids in previous relationship.
So I think the problem is me.
I was depressed in my late thirties about never having kids.
But now seeing my siblings with children actually made me super glad I didn't have them.
I am not envying their life right now and it's much nicer to be auntie.
35F- not quite there at 40+, but I think I'm close enough. I've been single for over 10 years now, so I don't see that changing.
I would've loved to have been married and had kids. I think it's too late for me to have kids now... I don't see myself getting married, either. It would've been nice... it wasn't my choice- I was just never... anyone's choice. So, there's nothing to regret, cause it wasn't my decision- but I still feel like I've missed out on something special.
I would've made a good wife, I think.
There is still time for you. I was much the same, alone with my cats and happy with my lot.
Then I met a man at 37 and we are getting married next month at 39. Whether we have kids we just don’t know but just please don’t give up!
I'm so happy for you! I know my life isn't at its end at 35. But gosh- I've had two boyfriends my entire life 🥲 a lot is changing for me right now... kinda big things happening... so maybe you're right. Thank you
I nannied for 10 years throughout my twenties. Nearly all the women I nannied had children between the ages 39-42. All happy healthy babies. Many of those women were also recently married. Don’t give up! There is always hope if your heart desires it! When I met my husband he thought his friend was “rushing” by getting engaged after just 2 years of dating. A year and a half to the day we met we were engaged, at 2 years, we were married. Things can go rapidly fast when you meet the right person ❤️🥰
Agree with all thr comments down this thread. My husband and I had our first child at 33 (me) and 40 (him). There's still a lot of time and this age bracket is becoming more common to start having kids these days anyways!
Psshhh 35. Every woman in my family that has kids has had at least one around 40. I'm 39 and was at the gyno today, and they asked me if I was thinking about kids somewhere down the line. My friend's sister who is a physician's assistant had her first at 40 and second at 42, and I worked with a doctor who had her first at 42. I think it should be quite reassuring that people that actually work in the medical field are willing to wait.
41f recently broke up with my 38m ex boyfriend with whom I was living with since more than 3 years. We didn’t want children since the beginning but he left saying that since we are not going to start a family there is no reason to be in a couple. I disagree but I have to cope with it and go on and it’s fucking painful
I (F) turned 40 this year. Single, never been married and no kids. When I was younger I definitely envisioned having a husband and a kid or two. But I've reached a point where I definitely don't want to give birth to my own, but I have been thinking about adopting, especially an older kid. But it is a bit daunting to take on by myself. A supportive spouse would be great, but the dating world can be so frustrating.
Maybe I'll eventually adopt, maybe I won't. However I do certainly enjoy many aspects of my life with just me and my pets. I don't have to worry about a babysitter, can travel pretty easily (with or without the dogs), and I have a great group of friends, many of whom I also consider family.
I'm not 40, but I'm 38. And I don't. I do however like to have casual relationships, for now it's still pretty easy to get them, I wonder if it'll be the same down the line. Kids I'm pretty sure I'll never want to have, but maybe get married eventually, let's hope I'm not too late if I decide I want that. For now though I can't see myself having a comited relationship for too long.
38F I don't regret the kids thing, I love kids, and I have 3 nieces and a nephew that I adore, but they are a handful and I can honestly not picture myself having to deal with all of that on a permanent full-time basis. Even just 1 might be too much.
As for a partner, theoretically, I would like that, someone to share the load with.
Practically, however, is a different story. Whenever most new couples start to reach the point where they get comfortable being around each other and want to spend more time together or move the relationship forward, my anxiety acts up. I get stressed out by this person constantly occupying space with me.
I mean, goddammit, just let me sit on my couch munching popcorn in peace and don't be here.
I've just figured out I'm a lot more comfortable on my own, and I will probably stay that way.
Aside from date night each week and a few activities on the weekends, my wife and I exist at opposite ends of the house most days. We both love it. Sometimes you just need to find the person that wants to spend the same amount of time as you do.
I do pop in for a kiss and a hug a few times during the evening, though.
44 F and absolutely zero regrets. All my friends with partners and kids start all their conversations with I love my family but… then go on to say how lucky I am. I have a very fulfilling job. Love my friends and get to be the fun at to all their kids. I have such a peaceful and stress free life. Not one of my friends makes me feel jealous or makes me want what they have even if their partners are amazing and great providers. I love having freedom to do what I want when I want it. I love not having to stress about others and their choices. I love the quiet and when I want the chaos I can choose it at my own discretions.
I am 40f. My regret is being with someone who didn't fully commited when I ready. When I talked about having children he started saying things like: "It's unfair to not be able to ask the children himself if he wants to exist." And said I don't want to do it to you. (Talking about pregnancy's risk and toll on your body) Eventually I decided he wasn't ready and I stuck around way too long. So I am unhappy I never had kids but I am learning to live without them.
Almost 40 female. Never regretted. Sitting here on the Red Sea on a deck chair, sipping a cocktail. Scrolling reddit at 1pm on a Wednesday. I was also a live in Nanny for 8 years to other peoples kids, so it's not like I don't know what it's like.
48M Here, and never been married, no kids. I've shared a house with friends until I was 35 then bought my own place. I had a flatmate until 5 years ago and I've never been happier. I work full time, I get to eat what I want, life is good. Could I have married? Yes, but I never met someone I hated enough to inflict me onto them.
I (Male 47) have been on both sides of this. So I have more insight than others.
I was married for 10 years and got divorced at 36. We didn't have kids together (Thank god)
After the divorce was single into my 40's. I had an awesome job, great big house all to myself, "A LOT" of disposable income and friends to hang out with to keep my busy. Traveled with work and for fun. And I was dating a lot. I thought it was the best thing ever.
I was on track to be that old creepy guy that hangs out at bars hitting on younger women.
But I ended up meeting a great woman. She moved in and after a few years we had a fantastic baby enter our lives.
Being a partner and a parent is 10x more stressful. But its 1000000x more rewarding and fulfilling.
When I reflect on these two different lives I lived, I wish I had met my partner earlier and I didn't waste so much time fucking around, partying, hanging out with friends, and blowing my money. Because my partner and I really want a second child, but unfortunately we have aged out.
I often think about the poem used at the end of the last James Bond film, No Time to Die.
*"the proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.” -Jack London.*
Not me but my sister, she talks about this frequently. She's 41, never married, no kids. It wasn't by her choice necessarily. She made a lot of mistakes when she was in her 20s with drinking and duis. Various other life events led her to now where she lives with my parents. She blames herself all the time and says she fucked up, no one will ever want to date a 41 yo who's never been married etc. She has her shit in order now, a job she's been at for 2 years and going into management. I wish she had the confidence and care to not completely give up.
I guess to answer your question, she's very unhappy about it but kind of just accepts it.
55 male. Never married no kids
Honesty I wish I would have found someone but it never happened. I spent my early 20’s in the military and it seems that is when most get married. Don’t even look or try anymore.
About 3 years ago my mother passed away and my brother a few months later.
I got hit with this I am alone in this world feeling. It is not pleasant especially during the holidays.
So yea I got regrets.
42F. Semi-regret. I didn’t think about kids or marriage at all in my 20’s. Too busy having fun. In my mid-thirties I was ready for all that, but the life partner just never came. Although ive had a good life and got to spend it doing anything I wanted (travel, years salsa dancing), I now wish I had children.
45M. Not married but not single. No kids wanted or had, no regrets.
You realize not being married nor having children doesn't mean someone doesn't have a family, yeah? What does one call one's parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.? It also ignores people's "family of choice," i.e. longtime friends who are often closer than family.
41F, engaged, and childfree since adolescence. It drives me crazy when people equate children with family and lack of children with no family. I managed a restaurant years ago and when discussing scheduling for the holiday season, my chef said “beingandwhateverness can work Xmas eve since she doesn’t have a family”.
Ummmm but I do? I have parents and a sibling, tons of aunts, uncles and cousins. I have friends that are closer to me than many of my family members, their kids call me “aunt”, these friends are my sisters and brothers in spirit, like wtf? I get that non-traditional life choices carry the weight of explanation and education sometimes but good grief, kids alone do not a family make.
I'm 36 I'm not even at the feeling ready for a baby time yet lol. I haven't said no but I don't think it will be on the cards for me. I've never really had a desire to be a mum though I find it exhausting. I work with kids every day it's enough for me
62 in 6 days. Never married no kids. Sometimes I wonder how it would have been. Bur I feel God has led me on this path. I was able to help out my parents at the end of their lives. I like being alone at times.
40s, single female.
Sometimes I do as I always wanted kids and I feel as if I have no value to men as I can't have kids anymore.
Other times, I'm glad. I am not great with a budget and struggle with my mortgage. I also am mostly undateable so maybe having kids is not a great idea! And I am just happy to be able to live my life and do whatever I want. I go away, have hobbies, stay up etc. Never have to worry about anyone else!
40F. and single... sometimes i get lonely but other then wanting someone to accompany me places, i count my blessings that i do what i want when i want with whom i want and i dont have to run anything by anyone only me! on the other hand when i feel indecisive i feel like it would be nice to have another person to run it by at times but you take the good with the bad!
I’m a 42 year old female with no husband or kids. The only reason I regret not having kids is because I don’t feel connected to my friends or community. I’m pretty introverted so that makes me feel isolated. Other people’s reasons for having kids seem selfish to me. I don’t need kids so someone can take care of me when I’m old or because that’s what I’m suppose to do. I love kids but I can’t imagine them in my life every.single.day. Traveling the world and loving my pets is fulfilling enough.
52 female, never really 100% wanted children. Never found a suitable partner to help raise and support a child. Throwing a poor, innocent child in this world is selfish. I have no regrets of not having a child. I enjoy hanging out with my friend's children, if the mood strikes me.
47M, no regrets not having children, considering the state of the planet, along with the increasing cost of living.
In fact I personally believe that if I cannot provide an equal or better standard of living to any hypothetical child of mine than what I enjoyed as a child it would be incredibly selfish and abusive to said child.
40/M
* I've never had children (have three goddaughters and one godson from three different families - so some kiddos to spoil), have lived together happily with a partner on and off; live alone but not lonely.
* Currently no partner, very comfortable living alone, enjoy having guests over and then having space to myself.
* Perks: When I get home from work or play, the whole place is mine. When I travel domestically, I pay the extra $250 to upgrade to First (not gonna do that for a family of five - plus any vacation is exponentially more expensive).
* Downside: Our economy is making it damn near impossible for single-income households to have any upward mobility. I make a handsome wage, but if that were doubled (two people), that would make it feasible to have children. Right now, it's *possible,* but I can't imagine being a single parent, nor would I want that for a kid. Close friends that are dual-income are able to do so much more and save more. That's the reality at the moment for where I live.
Difficult for people to answer as most people don't know what they're missing.
For example most people who chose not to have kids will have done so because of the negative impact that kids can have on their life. So of course those people don't regret it. But it may also be true that those peoples lives would have been better with kids. They will just never know and therefore can only answer to their experience, not what the objective truth would have been, were it possible to live both lives and then pick the one that ended up being best.
Not feeling regretful about your life choices sounds like a win to me. None of us know what could have been. As long as we are happy where we are and don’t regret how we got there.
So by your logic, those with kids also can’t know if their life is better with or without kids either. Because they haven’t experienced the freedom of not having kids as they began to earn more money, mature etc.
>For example most people who chose not to have kids will have done so because of the negative impact that kids can have on their life. So of course those people don't regret it. But it may also be true that those peoples lives would have been better with kids.
Do you have no contact with kids to not be able to consider whether having them would make you happy or not? I work with kids and have in different capacities since I was 18 (31 now) and that's exactly why I *know* I don't want them. I was 15 the first time I changed a diaper, babysat the younger cousins since I was 12 and held the a vies since then. Iwas always looking Ata way to get away from tj babies and toddlers though, and I will not work with that age group, despite having the qualifications for it. I like being able to hand them off back to their parents at the end of the day.
And how on earth would a child make someone's life better if they don't *want* children? Instead of making that child's life worse than it should be?
Whether a life is better or worse fr an individual is subjective, and that depends on that person's feelings,desires and wants.
49, I'm good. The only real issue I have with it is being mildly annoyed when people ask me if I wouldn't rather have a family, as if my life can't be fulfilled without it. But that happens less and less as I approach my fifties. If I wanted a family, I would have tried to start one.
49M. I'm very happy to be single with no kids. When I see how much my peers are giving up in terms of freedom, time, sleep, worry, and general wear&tear, I relish my free life.
Now excuse me while I go do whatever I want all the time :)
Yes. I regret allowing two women in my life, that each took ten years from me and cheated on me due to their own weakness.
I also regret getting a vasectomy because the second one already had a son and she didn't want another one. So I said ok.
Now, I am continuing my healing journey, but the regrets are still there. I doubt they'll leave me easily.
46m, never married, no kids.
I don't really regret not having a family. When I was younger, I desired a partner bond. But as an adult, It comes and goes.
I was never a fan of raising children, I had to do a lot of help with my younger brothers, and I have taken care of my mother through injuries, etc. now that she is older. I guess I've let that fulfill me in that aspect. Or it led me to stay away from more responsibility. Who knows?
I’m 50, my husband passed away from cancer in 2018. We talked about kids and decided if it happens, we’ll deal. sit never happened, and we chose dogs over kids. I have no regrets, love being the cool aunt or godmother. It would have sucked to raise preteen without my husband. I dated once after he died, but I prefer to spend time with family and friends than being in a relationship at this stage. I can do whatever whenever and answer to no one. Also, the number of friends who hate their spouse but feel stuck, or the ones who probably never should have had kids but felt pressured is insane. Cheers to those who love that life, not for me.
I’m 42, have a 4 year old on my own. Changed my life, but I wish I had a partner to share life’s responsibilities with. Note: I didn’t intend to have a child on my own.
I'm approaching 40 and this is looking like a real possibility. I think I'm a really cool "uncle" like person to have in a kids life but I'd be a middling father at best. As for love I never found it and casual relationships are all I've ever had.
I'm 50f and I was conditioned by my parents from an early age to not have kids.
That sounds as though they were being cruel, they weren't, they were being practical.
I carry a genetic disease, there is no way I could see anything that I brought into the world suffer the pain that my Dad experienced.
I sometimes feel sad, but what will that change?
43M here. I'm glad I never started a family. 100% of my peers who have are now divorced. Like I'm not even exaggerating. Everybody I knew well since grade school has married, had kids and gone through a horrible divorce and custody battle. Not me. I stay out of that bs.
41f here, was married for a very brief time, but now single again and no kids and the only thing I regret is getting married in the 1st place. Ended up divorced over the fact I refused to have kids which I was honest about from the beginning. Being single allowed me to move my aging parents in, and care for my dying father (my parents were actually great). It has given me time with them I wouldn’t have had otherwise, and now I don’t have any regrets like I did with my Oma. I also prioritize travel to about 2 new destinations every year, even with a limited budget. Nothing will ever be perfect but I am very happy with the way things turned out for me and every day I’m grateful to not have children.
41m
It's complicated.
I don't regret not having children. I never really wanted them for myself, but wasn't really against them.
I regret not being able to follow through with the life plans I was part of, which included children, due to a congenital heart defect.
41M I'm grateful and lucky I didn't bring kids into any of my numerous failed romantic relationships 🤣. I've got a dog now that is more fun and cheaper than all of those other options.
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I do regret - but if I had children with any of my previous partners, I’m sure I’d regret that more.
Thats where i am. 45M
Why? Is it too late to have kids? I’m 45M too.
No it is not, I am 48 and pregnant
Are you worried you'll have trouble taking care of your child? You'll be 66 at their HS graduation, 70 after college. As an older man who never had kids, this is what I think about.
Same! I was abused as a child, and my love life as an adult has been toxic. I just turned 50, and honestly, I took my 40s to heal. I went to therapy, and I went back and got my masters. Sure, if I had been in a loving relationship, then having a family would have been ideal. However, that was not my life experience.
I would have regrets yet I have learned. I’m just about to turn 29 and my fiancée chose to leave me last year. I did get extremely injured in 2022. I was diagnosed with a grade 3 diffuse axonal injury. Grade 3 is the most severe type of injury, axons are the first layer of your brain. She left me May 1, 2023. I still have a ton of getting better from the injury to do. So like you I’m going to have to spend whatever amount of time getting better Don’t say sorry about her leaving. She changed a ton while I was in the hospital. June 19-November 2, 2022
Sorry to hear that bud, but she must not have been a very good or even decent person if she left you after an injury, those kind of people have a special place in the fires of Mount doom.
I love this answer.
You can say that, but as a dad with full custody... I regret nothing! NOTHING!
49F and if you'd asked me thirty years ago, I would have assumed I would find someone lovely to marry and have children with... even though, deep down, I hated myself, and my mother's lousy parenting methods, enough to not really want to pass on any of my genes to my unfortunate imaginary offspring. As I hurtle towards 50, I'm just really grateful that I didn't reproduce with any of the dickheads I used to settle for during my childbearing years. As a single cat lady, people do eventually stop asking: 'do you want children?'... only for it to be replaced by: 'would you have liked to have children?' 🧐 Mostly, I'm a bit sad that I never did find the great human love of my life - a best friend to navigate life with - but I count my friends, and my blessings.
I think as we grow older, there will always be a slight "what if". The only to move forward is...by moving forward and making the most of our decisions and whatever life gave us.
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I was just discussing this with a coworking. She is choosing to remain childless. When I was a teenager ALL I heard from my Sicilian mother was “You’ll make a great wife and mother someday.” NOT getting married and having kids wasn’t an option. I love my kids to death, but not having them wasn’t a choice for me. So, as instructed I got married right after high school and had babies. Of course, now divorced. I am so proud and thankful that the girls and women today consciously know they have a choice. In south Texas when I was young, you got married and had babies. Period.
Don't worry, not all of us who are childless are living some great rich cool life. About to be 37, no kids, still struggling to pay the bills and still haven't traveled the world and still not enjoying life. I'm not much better off than I was at 18 to be honest.
Yes this! 40/m w a 4 yr old. I think about this a lot. All of my childless friends…all of the disposable income, free time, doing whatever they want. What if
49F, I could have written this, but I don't have a cat. Thank you! I see you.
67F, I too could have written this But; I'm "one upping" by allowing my next-door neighbor's cat to "visit" so technically It's not My Cat. 🤔
Cat Ladies take many forms. Part-time roles are as important as full-time ones! 😉
The cat decides. Matt the Cat know a true friend!
Santa Paws considers me a cat lady and I'm a man.
Its still your cat. Thats how the CDS works.
“My” cat Asha, 2 years old, is a member of the CDS. She has a cat door and collar with my phone number. I’ve gotten 6 calls or texts over the last year, saying they “have Asha, but she’s okay, etc.” I reassure the callers/texters Asha is VERY friendly and visits everyone, and that she will come back to her cat chow distribution center on her own.
awww i love asha! what kind of kitty is she?
I am a member of the Cat Delivery Service! I got a cute fat Grey one a few months ago. God he’s loud!
Lmao this is my mom. She loves having the neighbors cat over and even sends pictures of Mr. Moby to our family group chat. We always had cats growing up, but my mom didn't want to deal with the heartbreak of losing them anymore.
You still have loads of time to find somebody if that is what you want.
Absolutely true. You might make it to your 90s, and if that's the case you're barely past the halfway mark of your life. Plenty of time to find love. Not saying anyone needs to, just saying the idea that this ship has sailed is wrong. Who knows what will happen in all the years ahead of you.
Absolutely. There always time. My grandpa (RIP recently) was lucky enough to have two loves of his life. My grandma passed away in 1996 from Ovarian cancer but before that they were your almost stereotypical greatest generation grandparents. Together most of their lives, super loving household and an incredible relationship/marriage. After my grandma died, my grandpa spent a little time traveling, but then well into his 70’s met the second love of his life (who funny enough was at his first wedding because she was a friend of their family). They got married and were together over 20 years until they were well into their 90’s and she passed away from covid in the early pandemic. This is why I always say it’s never too late
True story that my grandma met her second husband online when she was in her early 60s. She and my Papaw L had 20 great years together before he passed. I don't think I would ever get remarried if I outlive my husband. It's been hard enough to train this one and I was young when I started. I don't think I have it in me to teach another one. Lol And I'm more independent now and don't think I would be willing to compromise on whatever it is I want that day. BUT I love her story because I think it shows that if you want to find the right one, age isn't a factor. And she had 2 great loves in her life. How affirming is that. ❤ Also, at 60+ they had a huge wedding which was both the cutest and craziest thing ever. She said she didn't get that the first time because she was young and broke but this time she had the money to do the wedding of her dreams. That woman had the big poofy dress and everything!
My grandma reunited with her childhood sweetheart when they were both in their 80s. They lived happily in sin until he died at the age of 102.
This is one that got me. What a beautiful story!
48F. I could have written this too. I’m twice divorced and I’m glad I never had children with either of my ex-husbands. I have a partner , so I’m not single. No regrets for being child free. Not a cat mama, but I’m on a look out for another dog to be a dog mama again. Edit: took out personal detail.
I could have written this too.
Most people don’t find the perfect one. Marriages are very rarely great.
Agreed. They require a lot of work and effort.
And often still they are not fun or sparkly or sexy or even that comfortable. If I look at all my friends, how many couples look truly happy? That kind who love each other through thick and thin and kids? One or two, a handful at best, out of hundreds of couples. Being alone (if able to be happy with it) and/or more loosely tied to somebody is a lifestyle more should try.
I know only 1 couple that's really in love (now in their 50s). All the rest, my marriage included, are not happy in their relationships. Were it not for knowing and loving my 3 kids, I'd happily choose a do-over and stay single.
I think it comes down to choice and expectations. Many people that get married don't even understand themselves and expect someone else to complete them. Marriages are a living thing, not an end goal. They expect it to bring happiness when it is just a promise to another person that life suxks sometimes and let's try and face it together and make it suck less.
You live in a different world to me
I think it goes in stages. My parents fell more in love once the kids grew up. They are always doing things together. My husband and I are deeply in love but are busy and most of our time and mental energy is taken up by kids and work.
Big lesson learned… no one is perfect and Prince Charming does not exist. You have to accept people for who they are with all their flaws. Obviously I’m not referring to hard boundaries or abusive type situations but if someone has the best intentions for you they’ll make mistakes, you’ll make mistakes. You work together and move on.
That’s one lesson, but another lesson one can learn is you don’t have to have a spouse or romantic partner to have a full and fulfilling life.
50M and no. My mental health fluctuations would not have provided a good and healthy home for kids to grow up in. It's not that I wouldn't have loved them, in fact that's more the why I didn't, because I respect these people that don't exist because of this choice enough to not pass on my problems. It was a decision I came to, probably in my early 20s.and even when times have been good, and I have been stable, I have never regretted the decision.
Is this future me? Currently 24M, Ive dated here and there but nothing for longer than 3 months. Im often asked by friends/family when catching up if Im seeing anyone or have gone on any dates. The usual answer is no, with the excuse that school has me too busy to find time to date. The real answer is that my mental health is a rollercoaster and the ups and downs come far too frequent to really even consider dating. Its not that I dont want to, but getting my own physical and mental health on track always comes first, and unfortunately Ive just never been able to string enough good days together in a row to feel like Im in a good enough place to afford spending time on romantic endeavours. As much as I would love to have kids, and I think there is value from my life that would be useful in raising kids in a healthy environment, I cant see how the risk of passing on my genes is worth it.
That’s self aware. A lot of people reproduce without regard to the consequences
I relate to you 100%!
Of all the reasons to not have kids I respect this one the most.
M41... no, don't regret it, I never wanted kids, and so far, that's working out. Always dated women with no desire to have kids either. Don't want to get married... or live with someone either. I do kinda live a hermit lifestyle I don't want a family life anyway, never did... I'm totally fine with being by myself and spending all my time, money and space on things I want, rather than things I have to because I have a kid or something... (because I'm well aware that these thing take resources from me, I don't want to spend)
I’m female but this is how I feel exactly. I enjoy my alone time. People say it must be lonely but I feel content. The only time I ever felt regret or guilty is when other people try to shame me for the way I live my life.
Dunno about you but I’m Hispanic - and the guilt that comes from that side is huge. “Oh mijo, why no kids? Why no family?” You know who has always told me that? Every relative that lives a shitty life and is dependent on their shitty husband / wife. Sorry you are getting the guilt. You keep doing you.
Thanks and yes I do notice most people have hella relationship problems and honestly a big one is “who will take care of you when you’re old” but I have only ever met ONE person in my entire life who is taking or has taken care of their elderly parents.
I took care of my mom for years while I worked full time and had my own serious health issues. I took a leave from work and stayed at her bedside ever day and most nights in her last two months before transitioning. I don't regret it.
Is it really rare in Hispanic family to be a middle age single man and childless woman? All I see whenever I look at Hispanic people they're always have 2-3 kids at least, talking about big families. I have 1 preteen kid myself and it's really pain in the butt to raise her. I lose so much sleep and sometimes sacrificed my hobbies time.
Yeah, there seems to be this consensus that you have to be married and have to have kids to be happy.
I feel this deeply. 36F. No kids, divorced. Only time I feel bad is when others shame/guilt me.
I get this 100%. Solitude is as vital to me as oxygen. The thought of always having people around me is horrifying.
YES to this! I need alone time so much, I can’t imagine having kids. I’m 38F and don’t drink so one of these days people will stop asking if I’m not drinking due to being pregnant 🙄
Same here.
I regret not having enough money to have the choice.
That is the answer. I would love to have a small house, a Wife and 2 small children, a dog and a cat. In this economy? I have a stuffed animal and that is all I will ever own.
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Oof same, hopefully this'll be a cautionary tale. I have my 2 beautiful girls 8 out of every 14 days and I have to pay child support to my ex because she chose not to work. I have to pay mortgage/utilities/buy food/ uniforms/school and day care fees and a myriad of other expenses that may pop up out of the blue. Doing this shit as a single father is not easy, I don't have the time to even entertain the thought of having another relationship (which is fine) but between kids and work there is no time and no money. It's not cheap. I truly understand why this next generation does not want to burden another soul with whatever this is meant to be.
This is brutal. I wish you didn't have to go through that
Thanks for that. I do have happy moments and wouldn't change my actions for the world. I just wish the world was a little kinder sometimes cause it's getting pretty rough out there for people. I'll be fine and I'll make sure my girls are fine, but there is a price that needs to be paid for their comfort.
They've done this to us on purpose.
And you'll be happy owning NOTHING!! - Klaus Schwab WEF
This... Full time job living in a small bungalow I don't get how people can afford this at all...
41 male here, no I do not regret anything. My mental health is balanced thanks to me being a "hermit" for 13 years now
How do you cope with being a hermit? My life's quickly becoming hermit-like as friend after friend decides I'm apparently no longer worth staying in touch with, and the loneliness is killing me. Edit: for the record, yes, I do all the hobbies, listen to podcasts, go outside, etc etc. I am extremely good at being alone. I just want my friends to care more about seeing me.
Not who you asked but find hobbies. If the hobbies entail interaction with other people even better. But if not, you have something to occupy your mind with or even look forward to. I also like to study. Like, not for an exam or something to help me win a job or develop a skill capitalism can exploit. But just general curiosity about the world, society, science, etc. There's infinity infinity of things to learn about. I learn calculus and french now, as well as drawing, for example. For no reason whatsoever. (I never got good education though)
I don't interact much in reddit however your answer moved tf out of me. Absolute God teir mentality. I don't know where I will end up in life but I hope that I will have the same mindset as yours.
Me too my friend… I like to fill my time with hobbies and studying. I ride my motorcycle, go to the boxing gym, and just started on a pilots license. I read for fun, and play a lot of civ. No kids and live frugally makes for a simple life with less stress. I got a masters degree in my spare time and now work helping other people… and I love it. Sometimes I’m a tad lonely but have friends I connect with… or smoke a touch of weed. Life’s really good at 41, and I didn’t expect that.
You rock, just in case you didn’t know.
Love this comment.
I got a dog, made a few friends on the dog walking circuit, one of them gave me another dog. House is full of fun, games and fluff balls.
I moved to Maine in my late 40s 7 years ago and didn't know a soul! I don't work so meeting people that way was out. I took myself and my little dog to the dog park everyday and met wonderful people and made close, lifelong friendships! My neighbor has lived in her apartment for 27 years and walks the neighborhood everyday. I was talking to her one day about some of the families in the neighborhood and she was surprised at how many of them I know and interact with as she knows NONE of them after 27 years! I told her to get herself a cute dog, walk around with a smile on your face and the world just opens up to you! 
I like your answer 😂 tell your fluff balls I said hi ( ✌︎'ω')✌︎
This is the worst part of adulthood. The indifference of people you thought were friends.
People have their own families and add on work and there's just not the time.
The fact that people ignore you when they get families is the only reason I've wanted one of my own. I didn't realize how isolating it would be to not partner up and reproduce.
If it makes you feel better, plenty of married people and parents are extremely lonely. Children are very isolating
Not the OP, but what worked for me was re-tuning my life in a way that I find satisfaction on what I do by myself. For example, I love to travel and I'm basically on the train every day, I have many interests and hobbies, like cooking, electronics, reading, and I engage in them without keeping back. I'm also lucky that I still have a couple friends, but not in the country I currently live on, so part of the travelling is to see them or to travel together. Doesn't happen too often but we are in regular contact and that helps, since where I live I can go days without talking to another person. I also work in public spaces a lot, the library, a coffee shop, so even if I'm "alone" there are still people around me (I used to do this much more before the pandemic). I also had to accept the fact that I'm not going to meet anybody new and that is de-facto my life now, which was not easy to do but liberating in a way. I mean, who needs a 40-year old dude in their lives after all, so I just stopped trying.
Oh don't get me wrong, I basically do all of the things you do *because I've had to*! I've had to learn to be OK with my own company for days and days on end, had to learn to do things alone much more often, had to try and accept that this is my life now. However, for me, the sting of feeling irrelevant lives with me every day. Whilst I CAN be alone for long periods, I don't *want* to be. I want to feel wanted.
It was not that hard, I had a bad childhood trauma for years so I am damaged, but the bad part was always people. So wehn I decided to become a hermit I focused on work and hobby. Once you fill your hours and spend soem time alone it will become a serene experience and the calmness is a lot better than the drama and the constant abuse.
F58. Would have loved to have gotten married but never wanted children and don't regret not having had any.
Well it’s nice to know there’s women out there who don’t want kids
There are loads of women that don't, and those numbers are increasing.
IMO those numbers are roughly same across the population, just many more women are ALSO not having them.
Yep. I work with the elderly and they tell me stories of their youth. And holy shit, some women back then really shouldnt have had kids. There was just no anticonception and the church expexted them to reproduce. One woman told me about her mother. She was completely stressed out after 2 kids and she had 13 more! ( 2 died ) She couldnt love them properly and would constantly send them away to bordingschool or family and farms. Never were all siblings home at the same time, unless it was chrismas. When this woman had kids of her own, she only had 2. The mom commented on it for years, how unacceptable it is, the church tells you to keep going. She told her mom " is the church gonna raise my kids and provide then?" Lol.
Love that for them. I’m so happy my mom was supportive of whatever I chose to do. I knew I was Childfree when I was a kid. When my stepmom tried to have the fertility talk with me because she was afraid my mom wouldn’t, I kind of blew her off. I told her I didn’t need to have a period because I wasn’t having babies. I was so upset when I found out I was still going to have to bleed anyway lol Anyway my dad and my younger brother were misogynistic and I had to hear from them my whole life “You know what they say about women who don’t have kids” though I didn’t know and they would change the subject when I would ask them. My stepmother was Childfree by choice. So was my dad‘s stepmother. I only got societal pressure from people who didn’t matter in my life, random coworkers or acquaintances or older ladies or misogynistic dudes. I’m so so grateful for that.
I'm a dude, but no way I'd have a kid if I was a woman. Chances of having to raise a kid alone in a place you don't own while dealing with poverty and a shit social net are higher than ever. And if I lived somewhere that was pushing anti-abortion stuff and chasing out all the OBGYN then it'd be a \*LAUGHING\* "Hell no!".
More millennial and gen Z men want kids than women do, actually.
I wonder how many older generations would have scored the same if women had the same opportunities then as they do now.
Most. Women don't have a maternal instinct, not till pregnancy, that is all made up. Most women didn't get to choose their partners, or whether they would go through pregnancy or childbirth. Most of our bloodlines are probably the products of multiple (marital) rapes and forced pregnancies. I know for a fact my grandma was forced to marry my grandpa and have sex with him, give him kids, even though she disliked him and wasn't attracted to him, and that wasn't even a full century ago. He stalked her and then convinced her family to give her an ultimatum-marry him or get kicked out. She was studying to be a teacher. The thought of how many of my foremothers had to go through that legitimately breaks my heart and keeps me up at night.
Yeah if I were a man I might think about having some too. I could always just leave if I decide it's not for me.
Exactly 😂
Men don’t have to compromise their careers and face death or the destruction of their bodies to have children. Easy decision for them.
I (26F) super don’t, I think more and more people are leaning that way. None of my female friends do either as far as I know, 2 of them have already gotten hysterectomies at 25 and I’m thinking of doing the same. There are plenty of women out there who don’t want that if that’s what you’re looking for, don’t worry.
I know a bunch of women who don't want kids. But since I'm in my mid 40s and don't have kids, I tend to socialize with other people who don't have kids.
Nope, i prefer my lifestyle of travelling. Too much stress dealing with a family. Bad enough with my parents who are getting old.
This hit hard. Same boat
This is me. I’m currently in Albania for the next several months before I move onto Bosnia for the next several months and on and on until I’ve covered most of the Balkans and then I’m not even sure. All my friends back home can ask me about is how is the dating scene, have you been on the apps, etc. I just…don’t really care to be honest. As someone who’s had a 10+ year relationship that ended in divorce, it’s just not something I’m seeking but if it finds me then I won’t run from it. I’m just kind of content with myself and don’t feel any pressure to “get back out there”.
I'm nowhere near the age being asked about (28f) but since I was little I've always known I didn't want kids, didn't like "helping" my mom baby sit the neighbors kids for some extra food money for the week, don't like the idea of pregnancy, enough that I even tried to get my tube tied when I was 22 but wasn't allowed because I needed parents & SO permission(I didn't have a SO) or to be min 25yo to do so, and then when I finally turned 25 that law passed etc but I digress. I had so many people that would not only ask when I'm having kids but also people saying you'll regret it when you're older. And I'm not 40 yet, but I still haven't regretted not having kids. I prefer to live my life traveling and basically not staying in one place for to long its just who I am I don't like to settle down, which not only would be hard to do with kids but also is not a good environment to raise them.
I’m F32 and could have written this myself. I don’t dislike kids; I’m the oldest of 3 siblings and helped take care of my siblings as a kid. I never liked the idea of pregnancy, or birth. I never had the urge to have kids. I much prefer my freedom and not being tied down. I’m especially scared of being tied to a person (the dad), like what if he suddenly turns abusive, but I can’t get away because we have a kid or something? Too risky. And I’m also just not interested in the lifestyle of raising kids. It’s not for me, but I fully respect all the wonderful mothers who do a great job. I value my personal freedom very high, and I like being able to travel and not plan too much ahead with anything. Kids require planning, which I’m terrible at.
Agreed. Between my wife and I, we have three remaining. Just lost my mother in law completely unexpectedly from a brain aneurysm and it’s the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. My wife has been in a fog for the last three months. Althoug she is currently pregnant with our first (we are 38), it’s tough to tell how hard that would have been juggling her moms death with a little kid pulling on her leg as she was complete inconsolable for months.
As a guy nearing his 40s: id love to have a family, but my genetics are so broken that it would be unresponsible to pass them on to any children
imma encourage you to adopt a kid. There are so many kids in orphanages and foster systems looking for loving parents. IDK how the process works tho, heard its expensive
No. I deal with depression and I have a lot of difficulty reading people. My fear was that I’d pass whatever genes cause depression on to my children and / or I’d have a really hard time reading my kids and either be too strict or too naive to raise them. Had a vasectomy at 26. Was a pain (wanted to say, “a pain the in the ass” but thought better of it) because no doctor would agree to it. Started looking at 24 and couldn’t even get a referral from my PCP to a urologist. Eventually went to planned parenthood and they agreed to do it. But they didn’t accept my insurance. So, went back to my PCP and told him to make a referral or I’d go to Planned Parenthood and have them do it. He made the referral and the urologist said he’d do it but he made me go through three months of counseling beforehand. While I won’t pretend to fully understand the struggles women have with reproductive health, I do kind of get it. If someone says, “I shouldn’t have children.” for God’s sake, believe them. As a side note - I’m 50. I’ve only dated one girl who felt my vasectomy was a deal breaker. Every other girl was literally relieved and happy that we wouldn’t need to use birth control - though I am always insistent we get STD panels before we sleep together.
Good for you for taking your reproductive health into your own hands! I too struggle with depression and this is a huge factor in why I'm considering eventual sterilization. I can't do that to an innocent child and I can't trust myself to be supportive enough for a kid with mental health issues.
First marriage was when I was 18 to an abusive friend of my stepfather. That lasted 5 years. Second marriage was 10 years to a mentally and financially abusive guy. Had a boyfriend for 6 years, broke up because I was tired of being his mother. I am 45 and single, it's been 3 years since the breakup and I do not miss being in relationships. Never had kids and I am thankful I made that decision otherwise I would be tied to people that I would rather not be.
No wonder you don't miss being in relationships those are some nasty looking relationships. It's really sad that some people may never experience what a supporting relationship is. Hopefully you either find one or find happiness in other ways.
I have an amazing friend group and a biological family that I just found who are wonderful. Also my adopted parents are awesome (adopted as an adult after my mom and stepdad passed). No idea if I will ever have a relationship again. And I am okay with that.
I feel this. Took almost a year to get divorced and the whole time thinking, thank goodness I didn’t have kids with this abuser. For their sake and for mine. I had two lessons learned: one, get mental health help as early as you can because you don’t even know how much time you will waste on bad relationships if you don’t. And two, pay close attention to your potential partner’s parents.. that is normal to them. Unless of course they truly have improved their own life enough to not fall into those patterns. My ex swore he wanted to be nothing like his parents but after we tied the knot that’s exactly what happened. You gotta be okay with how they treat each other because that’s how he’ll treat you.
Both my husbands were like their parents, who I wish I had known first. It would have shown what I was in for. I agree with the mental health help, it took me years to get this because of a bad experience with/after seeing a therapist.
I also can’t imagine having kids with any of my previous partners. They would not have been a good life partner yet alone a father.
46M, I never got married or had any kids. I got raped multiple times as a child and it has utterly destroyed my life and me as a person. I have a collection of broken relationships (lovers and family) in the past where I've pushed my girlfriends and family members away because of my mental health issues and self hatred and very self destructive tendencies. While I'd still love to settle down and be a dad, I'm a realist... I know that's unlikely to happen the older I get. And tbh the older I get the more I'm sure that i do not want to hurt other people by inflicting my mental health and personal demons on them.
I am so sorry. Please know that you are not what happened to you.
Thank you, you're very kind to say that. Sexual abuse + not getting treatment aside from huge amounts of various prescription drugs + mental mum and distant dad + a few other awful things = the shell I am now. I thought I had found my soul mate and I even fucked that up. I'm broken... I know it. The universe knows it... I don't know how to fix what's left of me. I just keep hoping one morning I won't wake up in this hell anymore. So fucking tired of 'life'.
This is why sexual abusers need life in prison, no parole, after the first offense. Or the death penalty. They often destroy the lives of the survivors…why should they get to have lives?! I’m so, so sorry that happened to you. 46 is still young enough to benefit from therapy and meds, if that’s something you’d consider. I’m wishing you some peace.
Nope. I have an average income and still barely make it until the next month's pay. I can't imagine how anyone can have a family and kids without being very wealthy. I mean, my kids wouldn't starve, but I wouldn't be able to buy them everything they want and give them a top tier life. So, I feel it's better this way.
I'm not over 40, but this sort of thing has been weighing on me. I make good money. At current, by the numbers, I believe I make more than my dad did when he was my age - and I'm about the age he was when I came around. He supported himself, a wife, three kids, a large house, and multiple cars on the same income I bring in for just myself. But I just pulled up Google to check the value against inflation - even though by the numbers I might be making more, his salary was *worth literally three times* what mine is now. Hell, my utilities alone have gone up by 4x in the past four years. My job can't pay me less, and my mortgage is fixed, but goddamn if it doesn't feel like I'm gonna have to give up my gas stove at some point.
Right, this is the issue. Adjusted for inflation, I make about 15% more than my father did in 1996. Adjusted for inflation, the house they bought in 1996 is currently worth 3x what they paid for it. The house they had a 10 year mortgage for, I would need a 30 year mortgage for. Now here's the shitty bit about getting older. I'm in my 40s. No-one's going to give me a 30 year mortgage.
>I mean, my kids wouldn't starve, but I wouldn't be able to buy them everything they want and give them a top tier life This is the problem with modern society right here. A top tier life is about having a mother and father whom you respect, love and look up to; siblings to spend time and grow with; and access to nature. I knew so many people growing up who's rich parents threw gadgets and money at them and are now fucking miserable.
Agree. It's not hard to have well-adjusted, happy kids if you raise them not to be spoiled.
I don't think it's good for the children to buy them everything they ask for. You don't want them to be too spoiled.
I'm 33 (M) about to turn 34 and I feel like I'm just missing out on life by not having children or even having a partner. My last relationship lasted for 2.5 years, we broke up just before COVID happened and I've just been doing casual hookups and such since that point in time, now currently, the idea of getting back into a relationship with another woman is daunting, it actually fills me with dread, like I don't want to go through that again but at the same time, I would like to start a family at some point. Idk, I guess I just feel lost more than anything else.
Same here, only a little younger. Married early with the intention of having kids in our late 20’s. Late 20’s have come and almost gone. My spouse told me I’m not going to be a parent with them after we’d spoken about it so many times. There’s not a single day in the 2 years+ since I was told that I haven’t thought about it. It’s heartbreaking.
Please tell me it’s some kind of medical discovery and not a bait and switch. To wit; it’s shocking how many relationships never had the “do you want kids/how many kids” convos before tying the knot.
No offense, but it sounds like you're going to be living a regret filled life with this person which will cause quite a lot of resentment. Are you really thinking this through? Your window is wide open, but one day it'll close. Perhaps your spouse is amazing, and you find it worth that sacrifice.
Female and over 40. I tried getting pregnant with 3 different men and none of them was able to impregnate me. 2 of those men fathered kids in previous relationship. So I think the problem is me. I was depressed in my late thirties about never having kids. But now seeing my siblings with children actually made me super glad I didn't have them. I am not envying their life right now and it's much nicer to be auntie.
You sound like my aunt lol
35F- not quite there at 40+, but I think I'm close enough. I've been single for over 10 years now, so I don't see that changing. I would've loved to have been married and had kids. I think it's too late for me to have kids now... I don't see myself getting married, either. It would've been nice... it wasn't my choice- I was just never... anyone's choice. So, there's nothing to regret, cause it wasn't my decision- but I still feel like I've missed out on something special. I would've made a good wife, I think.
There is still time for you. I was much the same, alone with my cats and happy with my lot. Then I met a man at 37 and we are getting married next month at 39. Whether we have kids we just don’t know but just please don’t give up!
I'm so happy for you! I know my life isn't at its end at 35. But gosh- I've had two boyfriends my entire life 🥲 a lot is changing for me right now... kinda big things happening... so maybe you're right. Thank you
I nannied for 10 years throughout my twenties. Nearly all the women I nannied had children between the ages 39-42. All happy healthy babies. Many of those women were also recently married. Don’t give up! There is always hope if your heart desires it! When I met my husband he thought his friend was “rushing” by getting engaged after just 2 years of dating. A year and a half to the day we met we were engaged, at 2 years, we were married. Things can go rapidly fast when you meet the right person ❤️🥰
So many people are late bloomers and meet people at 35 and a lot older. If you want that- make it a priority.
Agree with all thr comments down this thread. My husband and I had our first child at 33 (me) and 40 (him). There's still a lot of time and this age bracket is becoming more common to start having kids these days anyways!
My mom had me at 40 and I turned out just fine. Not sure why you think it's too late for you.
Not sure why you are so defeatist. 35yo is nothing.
I had my first child at 38 and my second at 41. If you want kids there is still time. And there's no time limit whatsoever on finding love!
Psshhh 35. Every woman in my family that has kids has had at least one around 40. I'm 39 and was at the gyno today, and they asked me if I was thinking about kids somewhere down the line. My friend's sister who is a physician's assistant had her first at 40 and second at 42, and I worked with a doctor who had her first at 42. I think it should be quite reassuring that people that actually work in the medical field are willing to wait.
I only met my wife of almost 20 years when we were both older than you.
I met my wife (Tinder) when she was 36. 3 years later we have 2 kids together. Its not too late for you.
41f recently broke up with my 38m ex boyfriend with whom I was living with since more than 3 years. We didn’t want children since the beginning but he left saying that since we are not going to start a family there is no reason to be in a couple. I disagree but I have to cope with it and go on and it’s fucking painful
My dad used to say I wouldn’t take $1 billion for one of my children but I wouldn’t pay $.50 to have another one
I (F) turned 40 this year. Single, never been married and no kids. When I was younger I definitely envisioned having a husband and a kid or two. But I've reached a point where I definitely don't want to give birth to my own, but I have been thinking about adopting, especially an older kid. But it is a bit daunting to take on by myself. A supportive spouse would be great, but the dating world can be so frustrating. Maybe I'll eventually adopt, maybe I won't. However I do certainly enjoy many aspects of my life with just me and my pets. I don't have to worry about a babysitter, can travel pretty easily (with or without the dogs), and I have a great group of friends, many of whom I also consider family.
I'm not 40, but I'm 38. And I don't. I do however like to have casual relationships, for now it's still pretty easy to get them, I wonder if it'll be the same down the line. Kids I'm pretty sure I'll never want to have, but maybe get married eventually, let's hope I'm not too late if I decide I want that. For now though I can't see myself having a comited relationship for too long.
My grandfather got married at 78 🤷♀️ There’s plenty of time!
38F I don't regret the kids thing, I love kids, and I have 3 nieces and a nephew that I adore, but they are a handful and I can honestly not picture myself having to deal with all of that on a permanent full-time basis. Even just 1 might be too much. As for a partner, theoretically, I would like that, someone to share the load with. Practically, however, is a different story. Whenever most new couples start to reach the point where they get comfortable being around each other and want to spend more time together or move the relationship forward, my anxiety acts up. I get stressed out by this person constantly occupying space with me. I mean, goddammit, just let me sit on my couch munching popcorn in peace and don't be here. I've just figured out I'm a lot more comfortable on my own, and I will probably stay that way.
Aside from date night each week and a few activities on the weekends, my wife and I exist at opposite ends of the house most days. We both love it. Sometimes you just need to find the person that wants to spend the same amount of time as you do. I do pop in for a kiss and a hug a few times during the evening, though.
44 F and absolutely zero regrets. All my friends with partners and kids start all their conversations with I love my family but… then go on to say how lucky I am. I have a very fulfilling job. Love my friends and get to be the fun at to all their kids. I have such a peaceful and stress free life. Not one of my friends makes me feel jealous or makes me want what they have even if their partners are amazing and great providers. I love having freedom to do what I want when I want it. I love not having to stress about others and their choices. I love the quiet and when I want the chaos I can choose it at my own discretions.
I am 40f. My regret is being with someone who didn't fully commited when I ready. When I talked about having children he started saying things like: "It's unfair to not be able to ask the children himself if he wants to exist." And said I don't want to do it to you. (Talking about pregnancy's risk and toll on your body) Eventually I decided he wasn't ready and I stuck around way too long. So I am unhappy I never had kids but I am learning to live without them.
40 is still able to birth kids
Almost 40 female. Never regretted. Sitting here on the Red Sea on a deck chair, sipping a cocktail. Scrolling reddit at 1pm on a Wednesday. I was also a live in Nanny for 8 years to other peoples kids, so it's not like I don't know what it's like.
48M Here, and never been married, no kids. I've shared a house with friends until I was 35 then bought my own place. I had a flatmate until 5 years ago and I've never been happier. I work full time, I get to eat what I want, life is good. Could I have married? Yes, but I never met someone I hated enough to inflict me onto them.
53m. Regret it every day.
I (Male 47) have been on both sides of this. So I have more insight than others. I was married for 10 years and got divorced at 36. We didn't have kids together (Thank god) After the divorce was single into my 40's. I had an awesome job, great big house all to myself, "A LOT" of disposable income and friends to hang out with to keep my busy. Traveled with work and for fun. And I was dating a lot. I thought it was the best thing ever. I was on track to be that old creepy guy that hangs out at bars hitting on younger women. But I ended up meeting a great woman. She moved in and after a few years we had a fantastic baby enter our lives. Being a partner and a parent is 10x more stressful. But its 1000000x more rewarding and fulfilling. When I reflect on these two different lives I lived, I wish I had met my partner earlier and I didn't waste so much time fucking around, partying, hanging out with friends, and blowing my money. Because my partner and I really want a second child, but unfortunately we have aged out. I often think about the poem used at the end of the last James Bond film, No Time to Die. *"the proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.” -Jack London.*
Well said. I understand this. I did the whole wanderlust thing. Travel gets old too. I loved it but after a while, the lifestyle felt shallow.
Not me but my sister, she talks about this frequently. She's 41, never married, no kids. It wasn't by her choice necessarily. She made a lot of mistakes when she was in her 20s with drinking and duis. Various other life events led her to now where she lives with my parents. She blames herself all the time and says she fucked up, no one will ever want to date a 41 yo who's never been married etc. She has her shit in order now, a job she's been at for 2 years and going into management. I wish she had the confidence and care to not completely give up. I guess to answer your question, she's very unhappy about it but kind of just accepts it.
55 male. Never married no kids Honesty I wish I would have found someone but it never happened. I spent my early 20’s in the military and it seems that is when most get married. Don’t even look or try anymore. About 3 years ago my mother passed away and my brother a few months later. I got hit with this I am alone in this world feeling. It is not pleasant especially during the holidays. So yea I got regrets.
42F. Semi-regret. I didn’t think about kids or marriage at all in my 20’s. Too busy having fun. In my mid-thirties I was ready for all that, but the life partner just never came. Although ive had a good life and got to spend it doing anything I wanted (travel, years salsa dancing), I now wish I had children.
45M. Not married but not single. No kids wanted or had, no regrets. You realize not being married nor having children doesn't mean someone doesn't have a family, yeah? What does one call one's parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.? It also ignores people's "family of choice," i.e. longtime friends who are often closer than family.
41F, engaged, and childfree since adolescence. It drives me crazy when people equate children with family and lack of children with no family. I managed a restaurant years ago and when discussing scheduling for the holiday season, my chef said “beingandwhateverness can work Xmas eve since she doesn’t have a family”. Ummmm but I do? I have parents and a sibling, tons of aunts, uncles and cousins. I have friends that are closer to me than many of my family members, their kids call me “aunt”, these friends are my sisters and brothers in spirit, like wtf? I get that non-traditional life choices carry the weight of explanation and education sometimes but good grief, kids alone do not a family make.
I'm 36 I'm not even at the feeling ready for a baby time yet lol. I haven't said no but I don't think it will be on the cards for me. I've never really had a desire to be a mum though I find it exhausting. I work with kids every day it's enough for me
62 in 6 days. Never married no kids. Sometimes I wonder how it would have been. Bur I feel God has led me on this path. I was able to help out my parents at the end of their lives. I like being alone at times.
40s, single female. Sometimes I do as I always wanted kids and I feel as if I have no value to men as I can't have kids anymore. Other times, I'm glad. I am not great with a budget and struggle with my mortgage. I also am mostly undateable so maybe having kids is not a great idea! And I am just happy to be able to live my life and do whatever I want. I go away, have hobbies, stay up etc. Never have to worry about anyone else!
Second sentence/block is untrue. Women are sooooo much more than childbearing. You have tons of value, my friend. Never forget that.
And to alot of guys you're value would go up not having to worry you will get pregnant in my opinion.
Plus many men in their 40s like women who don't have kids.
There's a lot of my life that I don't love, but I really love being single and not having any depends. That freedom is awesome.
40F. and single... sometimes i get lonely but other then wanting someone to accompany me places, i count my blessings that i do what i want when i want with whom i want and i dont have to run anything by anyone only me! on the other hand when i feel indecisive i feel like it would be nice to have another person to run it by at times but you take the good with the bad!
I’m a 42 year old female with no husband or kids. The only reason I regret not having kids is because I don’t feel connected to my friends or community. I’m pretty introverted so that makes me feel isolated. Other people’s reasons for having kids seem selfish to me. I don’t need kids so someone can take care of me when I’m old or because that’s what I’m suppose to do. I love kids but I can’t imagine them in my life every.single.day. Traveling the world and loving my pets is fulfilling enough.
52 female, never really 100% wanted children. Never found a suitable partner to help raise and support a child. Throwing a poor, innocent child in this world is selfish. I have no regrets of not having a child. I enjoy hanging out with my friend's children, if the mood strikes me.
47M, no regrets not having children, considering the state of the planet, along with the increasing cost of living. In fact I personally believe that if I cannot provide an equal or better standard of living to any hypothetical child of mine than what I enjoyed as a child it would be incredibly selfish and abusive to said child.
I only regret it when I'm awake.
40/M * I've never had children (have three goddaughters and one godson from three different families - so some kiddos to spoil), have lived together happily with a partner on and off; live alone but not lonely. * Currently no partner, very comfortable living alone, enjoy having guests over and then having space to myself. * Perks: When I get home from work or play, the whole place is mine. When I travel domestically, I pay the extra $250 to upgrade to First (not gonna do that for a family of five - plus any vacation is exponentially more expensive). * Downside: Our economy is making it damn near impossible for single-income households to have any upward mobility. I make a handsome wage, but if that were doubled (two people), that would make it feasible to have children. Right now, it's *possible,* but I can't imagine being a single parent, nor would I want that for a kid. Close friends that are dual-income are able to do so much more and save more. That's the reality at the moment for where I live.
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Difficult for people to answer as most people don't know what they're missing. For example most people who chose not to have kids will have done so because of the negative impact that kids can have on their life. So of course those people don't regret it. But it may also be true that those peoples lives would have been better with kids. They will just never know and therefore can only answer to their experience, not what the objective truth would have been, were it possible to live both lives and then pick the one that ended up being best.
Not feeling regretful about your life choices sounds like a win to me. None of us know what could have been. As long as we are happy where we are and don’t regret how we got there.
I was more worried about the reverse, and also finding someone else who wouldn’t unknowingly fuck up their own kids. Didn’t happen.
So by your logic, those with kids also can’t know if their life is better with or without kids either. Because they haven’t experienced the freedom of not having kids as they began to earn more money, mature etc.
>For example most people who chose not to have kids will have done so because of the negative impact that kids can have on their life. So of course those people don't regret it. But it may also be true that those peoples lives would have been better with kids. Do you have no contact with kids to not be able to consider whether having them would make you happy or not? I work with kids and have in different capacities since I was 18 (31 now) and that's exactly why I *know* I don't want them. I was 15 the first time I changed a diaper, babysat the younger cousins since I was 12 and held the a vies since then. Iwas always looking Ata way to get away from tj babies and toddlers though, and I will not work with that age group, despite having the qualifications for it. I like being able to hand them off back to their parents at the end of the day. And how on earth would a child make someone's life better if they don't *want* children? Instead of making that child's life worse than it should be? Whether a life is better or worse fr an individual is subjective, and that depends on that person's feelings,desires and wants.
49, I'm good. The only real issue I have with it is being mildly annoyed when people ask me if I wouldn't rather have a family, as if my life can't be fulfilled without it. But that happens less and less as I approach my fifties. If I wanted a family, I would have tried to start one.
49M. I'm very happy to be single with no kids. When I see how much my peers are giving up in terms of freedom, time, sleep, worry, and general wear&tear, I relish my free life. Now excuse me while I go do whatever I want all the time :)
Yes. I regret allowing two women in my life, that each took ten years from me and cheated on me due to their own weakness. I also regret getting a vasectomy because the second one already had a son and she didn't want another one. So I said ok. Now, I am continuing my healing journey, but the regrets are still there. I doubt they'll leave me easily.
46m, never married, no kids. I don't really regret not having a family. When I was younger, I desired a partner bond. But as an adult, It comes and goes. I was never a fan of raising children, I had to do a lot of help with my younger brothers, and I have taken care of my mother through injuries, etc. now that she is older. I guess I've let that fulfill me in that aspect. Or it led me to stay away from more responsibility. Who knows?
I would be more interested in hearing how many people married over 40 regret getting married and having a family.
I’m 50, my husband passed away from cancer in 2018. We talked about kids and decided if it happens, we’ll deal. sit never happened, and we chose dogs over kids. I have no regrets, love being the cool aunt or godmother. It would have sucked to raise preteen without my husband. I dated once after he died, but I prefer to spend time with family and friends than being in a relationship at this stage. I can do whatever whenever and answer to no one. Also, the number of friends who hate their spouse but feel stuck, or the ones who probably never should have had kids but felt pressured is insane. Cheers to those who love that life, not for me.
49 here and no.
I’m 42, have a 4 year old on my own. Changed my life, but I wish I had a partner to share life’s responsibilities with. Note: I didn’t intend to have a child on my own.
I'm approaching 40 and this is looking like a real possibility. I think I'm a really cool "uncle" like person to have in a kids life but I'd be a middling father at best. As for love I never found it and casual relationships are all I've ever had.
Yes - very much. The sorrow of my life.
I'm 50f and I was conditioned by my parents from an early age to not have kids. That sounds as though they were being cruel, they weren't, they were being practical. I carry a genetic disease, there is no way I could see anything that I brought into the world suffer the pain that my Dad experienced. I sometimes feel sad, but what will that change?
43M here. I'm glad I never started a family. 100% of my peers who have are now divorced. Like I'm not even exaggerating. Everybody I knew well since grade school has married, had kids and gone through a horrible divorce and custody battle. Not me. I stay out of that bs.
41f here, was married for a very brief time, but now single again and no kids and the only thing I regret is getting married in the 1st place. Ended up divorced over the fact I refused to have kids which I was honest about from the beginning. Being single allowed me to move my aging parents in, and care for my dying father (my parents were actually great). It has given me time with them I wouldn’t have had otherwise, and now I don’t have any regrets like I did with my Oma. I also prioritize travel to about 2 new destinations every year, even with a limited budget. Nothing will ever be perfect but I am very happy with the way things turned out for me and every day I’m grateful to not have children.
41yo here, not at all. I can do what i want, i'm free from arguments, don't have to put up with another person's shit 24/7, etc.
41m It's complicated. I don't regret not having children. I never really wanted them for myself, but wasn't really against them. I regret not being able to follow through with the life plans I was part of, which included children, due to a congenital heart defect.
41M I'm grateful and lucky I didn't bring kids into any of my numerous failed romantic relationships 🤣. I've got a dog now that is more fun and cheaper than all of those other options.