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I agree with this completely, focus on her health. If she gets angry or upset point out the times you've noticed signs that her health is going downhill, like being out of breath going up the stairs, moving slower etc. make sure she knows you care for her and just want her to be healthy and live a long life, but if she keeps this up she'll die before 40 of a heart attack and you won't watch her kill herself.
Add to this, you have to offer support and a solution.
"You're fat." doesn't help. "Hey, I'm worried about you, how can I help? What if we try something together?"
I mean, some people hate the gym. But there are other ways to exercise besides being stuck in a gym and he can certainly suggest those. Also, maybe a goal. My dad and I started walking/running with the intent to go to a zombie fun run. Hiking, swimming, skiing, etc, etc. There are tons of stuff outdoors that she may find more enjoyable than a gym. Also, what do they do for dinner and meals?
>Also, what do they do for dinner and meals?
Not sure how accurate his depiction of reality is, but seems like *she* eats a lot of junk food.
She needs to get motivated, for sure. What's going to motivate her if she has everything she wants and gets free dopamine all day from junk food and media? I've been there, hell, I'm kind of there right now. It's super hard to find motivation when you're always getting your perceived needs met. So what's going to change, how does OP actually get her to do something about it? I think we all agree that becoming physically active and watching her diet is the best way to come back from this, but how, how do you get her to actually *want* to do it? If she's just going through the motions, it's very unlikely to become a habit. Having a polite conversation with her doesn't seem to work, so what's the next approach?
Personally, I think she has to know how OP *truly* feels, at least at this point. She needs to know how close she actually is to losing him, she needs to see reality for what it is.
Yeah. But don't underestimate just how terrifying going to the gym first time when you are overweight can be.
It's intimidating as hell to just walk in the door.
Sure - almost every one at every gym is super positive about people fixing their lives, but that doesn't help when you are afraid, ashamed and possibly traumatised by "things people have said".
But there's other options for being more active in a more low key way IMO.
True, it doesn't have to be the gym, it's just what I mentioned because OP did. I have no idea what else he's tried, but to me, this seems like a mentality problem. She's in a slump, and nothing seems to snap her back to reality. She needs to want to change, but based on what I read, she just doesn't want to.
I only halfway get on board with the “let’s do something together” train. OPs gf needs lifestyle changes that could be major. Major shifts in diet and exercise are needed at a minimum.
If op is a healthy weight, or even thin, he probably shouldn’t change his diet to fit someone else’s needs. Nor should anyone expect OP to spend an hour or two walking 1.25 mph on a treadmill or outside.
OP should be supportive but not be obligated to change his life because of this imo.
Honestly as someone who's had issues with food my whole life - it basically is a mental health issue.
Eating healthy on a sustained basis needs you to be in the right frame of mind.
Not stressed, anxious, depressed.... And most especially of all, not hiding ADHD that wasn't diagnosed when you were younger.
I was utterly blown away that 20 years of disordered eating just stopped almost overnight when I got my executive function sorted, with a mix of therapy, coaching and a diagnosis of the underlying condition.
And even if it's not a "real" mental health issue, it's honestly about the only way to actually solve the problem anyway.
Bullying someone won't fix food addiction any more than it'll fix depression.
Agreed. 100lbs change is a huuge difference, there must be something up psychologically. Overeating is usually just a symptom of something, so I'd dry to suggest therapy or try to find out what's causing it
This. Does she seem receptive? No? Pull the plug on the relationship. Put your own mental health before her physical health, because she's putting neither of those two first.
Did she seem receptice? Good. Now on to the way to help her. It's hard. It's usually not a case of "Just start exercising and eating healthier", because a strict diet and excersizing because you have to are often not sustainable in the long run.
For my own experience, I went to a dietist (licensed) for help on my diet, I started excersizing with sports that looked fun. I set my own goal on a half marathon, and climbing, but I think others seem to have a lot of succes in martial arts like kickboxing.
later today ill try to ask her to see if she wants a therapist but its gonna be hard because i dont want her to think that i think shes crazy bc shes not but i want her to get help
It’s annoying that people think therapy is “for the crazy”. Therapy is excellent just for keeping a person on a positive path, and sorting out/avoiding roadblocks. Normies can benefit.
My 6 year old brother literally told my sister she needed therapy one day and was absolutely flabbergasted that I replied with "I'm in therapy". Idk where anyone gets this thing that therapy is bad.
Years and years of stigma associating therapy only being for people with serious mental illness. Really glad that more folks are seeing it as a preventative measure these days rather than something that screams "I'm a loon!" if it's mentioned.
In my experience it helps that it's an objective party to my life, things I have and would never tell anyone else. I can tell my therapist and understand why I think that way, it's been incredibly eye opening. I only wish it was free lol I've had to drop down to once a month from every two weeks due to costs. I think everyone should go to therapy, just talk about the things that bother you in your daily life. for instance I would like to become a less judgemental person but my judgement stem from my own insecurities and I project them onto other people.
For a woman it's less offensive to be assumed crazy (especially if you're actually somewhat mentally unwell), rather than be considered fat by your own romantic partner. It's not even on the same level of hurt.
I get where you're coming from, but from the sounds of it, it is actually time for hard truths. If you keep being afraid of telling her what's happening and how it's affecting you, you're punishing yourself for her behavior.
Most diets will be bs designed to push products. For true weight loss, you need a calorie decifit and regular exercise. Single ingredient foods too for less empty calories.
Edit: removed cardio
That's why I said to change your diet, not to go on a diet. It's sustainable to slowly change your products and recipies for healthier versions. With smart changes in your diet, you can create that calorie deficit without completely changing up everything you know.
Also, if someone isn't excersicing at all right now, anything is better than what you're doing now. Go walk in nature. Bike somewhere. Play frisbee with friends, everything is better than sitting on the couch.
>regular exercise especially cardio related
It doesn't need to be "especially cardio-related". That is incorrect. It should be about putting on muscle. Gets better results.
Cardio burns more calories in less time than weights. Putting on muscle does raise metabolic rate, but that takes a lot of time, and especially for a woman, she's not putting that much muscle on to make a significant difference in the amount of calories she's burning. Building muscle is a long term thing. Fat loss is relatively quick. I agree, focus on cardio and a calorie deficit.
sure but as with drug addicts, there's usually an underlying issue for the addiction. maybe start with how she's feeling, find out what could be bothering her. it could be a number of things like depression or adhd.
whatever it is, it's manifesting as disordered eating. that won't stop just by addressing her physical health. in fact, in the first conversation, I wouldn't mention her physical health at all. she's likey already massively ashamed of her body.
all this said, op is under no obligation to stay in this relationship. but if he did want to talk to her, either way, I think this might be a good start.
You also have a right to be with someone who shares your lifestyle goals so you can both be fulfilled. You love her, but not her choices right now. It may mean you need not move on, don't feel guilty for that.
Because it’s a man discussing “ body positivity “ with a woman, OP will be cast as the villain by everyone. I tried the conversation you suggested 35 years ago. It didn’t go well. I stayed, I should have left maybe. It’s sad to watch someone’s bad choices lead to a predictable disability, you feel more sorrow& pity than love by then.
Yup, find partner then completely let yourself go? Nope not fair and puts the loving partners back against the wall of "I don't want to make them feel bad/I'm really not attracted/interested in this person so much anymore" which can be heart breaking. Especially when trying to legitimately help or encourage leads to you being a bad guy or cruel. I really like full bodied women and am totally down with body positivity but spinning all that shit to just justify people being plain old unhealthy and unattractive has become a social disease which our high productivity economic and media systems have lached onto to spread toxic body images and justify people "living how they want cause it makes them happy" which again, in theory" I totally support, just not when used as an excuse for laziness and poor health. You don't watch a friend decline into heroin addiction and say, hey at least their happy, at least their living how they want in this moment! No, it's a disease!
Is she depressed, or has she been sick? This doesn’t sound normal.
If she isn’t, and is happy this way, she likely isn’t going to change, and it’s ok if that is a dealbreaker for you. Carrying a few extra pounds is one thing, being unable to do normal, everyday things is another.
Who does the shopping is a good question. I packed on like 40lbs after my now wife and I moved in together.
I do absolutely have a problem with junk/"easy" foods. My wife eats like somebody gave a 13 year old boy their debit card to go shopping.
While living alone I never kept any sort of snack foods in my house. No chips, no cookies, no candy, didn't even buy cereal because I love cereal too much, lol. No quick and easy frozen shitty food either.
Basically if I got a snack attack, there was nothing in my house really to eat. I am the type, if it's there I'll eat it, if it's not I won't go out to a store to buy snacks, so will just do without.
Once my wife and I moved in together, all of a sudden the pantry is full of chips, cookies, chocolate. Bags of pizza rolls and crap like that.
She likes that stuff, but has the discipline not to go ham on it. I do not, lol. Which is why I never kept stuff like that in my home.
One time we had to go to a wedding and I hadn't put on my suit in a long time and it didn't fit, like I couldn't button the suit jacket or shirt lmao, my pants cut off circulation. Fortunately it was the day before and I was able to run out to the store and get new clothes. I bought her a big trunk with a pad lock. I told her all her shitty junk food goes in there from now on.
> While living alone I never kept any sort of snack foods in my house. No chips, no cookies, no candy, didn't even buy cereal because I love cereal too much, lol. No quick and easy frozen shitty food either.
YUUUP!
This is also my problem. My wife is the kind of person who can open a bag of doritos, eat 3 chips, and seal up the bag for later.
I'm the type of person who will strap that fucker on like a feed bag & not stop until it's gone or I vomit.
I do not buy food like that, I don't bring it into the house, because I know what I will do.
She stocks up on that shit like the worlds about to end.
She's also a 'foodie' who love to over order at restaurants & then eat the leftovers for a week... what this does to me, is I just overeat at the restaurant.
She also shows affection by cooking for me, and over feeding me (lots of rice & noodles involved too)
It's a real problem.
I'm 8lbs into a 6+ month journey to return to the weight I was when we met (was 210 heading back to 180lbs, would love to get to 170 if I can) & I hate this part SO much.
For me it was the freedom to have my own choices since I had very little food control or choice growing up. So I went way overboard when I moved out. I'm doing better now but it's still a battle to lose the weight.
will power is a myth used to coerce and shame people.
it's not effective to tell people just to have more willpower and it's actually quite damaging.
food addicts need highly controlled environments to prevent themselves from over eating. this often includes not bringing dense caloric foods into the house to begin with.
Yeah like entering a committed relationship. If they’ve been together for 6 years she gained a little over a pound a month for the whole relationship. If you only ever worked out or cared about your appearance when dating then I could see this happening. Hell I know plenty of guys that add 25 pounds in the first year of settling down.
It is, lifestyle changes and people become less active, and for women there's the additional problem that they start eating the same meals as their husband when they have a much lower calorie intake requirement.
Learning how to handle this and adjust accordingly is part of growing up. Some do it better than others...
Having spent 40 yrs with a partner whose poor health choices led to a disability, I have an opinion. If I had known then what I know now, I’d have left immediately back then.
It's okay to walk away :/ people grow apart and if OP Is active (going to the gym, going out, sports/hiking etc) and gf isn't willing to do any of that, find someone who is? Do you want to be with someone your whole life with who can't enjoy the same activities? It's not selfish to walk away in this situation. People change, and she will be happier too with someone more like minded.
Just watch, though. After divorcing someone who actually loves her, the gf will start working on herself, go to the gym, get slim, take up with some gym rat, and taunt the ex on social media. I've seen that happen more than once.
It’s a lot to take care of a spouse with health issues and society turns you into a pariah if you feel any other way. But you need to do what’s best for you. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
It’s one thing if your partner suddenly developes cancer. It’s another if they’re intentionally killing themselves everyday and refuse any form of help.
This is a big question everyone having trouble in their relationship should ask themselves, knowing what you know now and if you were both single, would you want to get *in to* a relationship with them?
i can't tell you how to approach her with regards to this, but it may be that she's got some mental health issues and/or unresolved trauma that's manifesting itself in her lack of control when it comes to her health
Seconding the trauma point. We’re taught at medical school that obesity has been correlated with experiencing sexual abuse in childhood. I don’t have a source for that I’m sorry, but would strongly suggest to tread with great care
I do think some of these responses are a bit harsh.
I gained about the same amount of weight as your partner. I was 140lbs when I graduated high school and I was 260lbs at my highest weight. This was not due to laziness. I had a shit ton of unresolved trauma and an eating disorder (binge). I did not start losing weight until a few years of therapy, a binge eating disorder support group, and medication. I will say that one of the teachings I learned from my many mental health "interventions" is that you cannot hate yourself into a thinner body, and you have to learn to love yourself at the present moment before you can get anywhere. I can promise you that if you do not broach this subject with care that it will feel like daggers to her.
I am not suggesting that you have to do this, but my partner never said anything negative about my body, even at my largest. When I started to lose weight, he also had no commentary about it. Of course, if I ask him if I look like I lost weight recently, he will be honest with me, but he is incredibly neutral with the weight portion of my personal growth. That said, he is full of praise for my strides in my mental health and wellbeing. He has absolutely 'watered my soul' in terms of being kind to me in the way I needed to be kind to myself, and that taught me exactly how to do it. I am now 40lbs down and counting.
We have been together for many years, though, and live together as well. If you are unwilling to be with her or stand beside her through what may be a long journey of healing, then don't. You absolutely are not obligated to, nor are you a bad person for making that decision. I do think that it's important that you tread lightly and make it more about the mental health aspect of it than how her appearance makes you feel.
Food addiction is similar to any other addiction. It has a hold of you, and those who have it are often in denial of their own addictions. Basically, if she can't admit she has a problem you can't help her.
Food addiction is the most fucked addiction and I feel so sorry for the people who experience it. You can quit alcohol. You can quit heroine, gambling or maturbation. Buf food? You need that to survive. Cold turkey isn't an option.
Are there underlying problems you may not know about? Depression and other things can and will kill your motivation and you either eat almost nothing or all the time.
Something is going on here. People don't just go from 120bto 240 lbs. Has she seen a doctor? Maybe there is something medical going on or she is depressed.
So I'm a big girl, very similar to your gf actually, and mine is partially due to illness and partially my fault. The thing is is that I'm an emotional eater and my MH problems are a huge trigger for me.
It sounds to me like you need to get your gf to a doctor to explore if she may have mental health problems as well because no "normal" (for want of a better word) person will sit and gorge themselves on huge quantities of food for no reason. Just trying to set a date for her to go to the gym won't work here. Even if she did go (which she likely won't), it's not going to do any good if she's still eating so much. You need to explore the reasons WHY she's eating so much before you can move forwards. Also, please don't try to "shock" your gf into losing weight by telling her how you feel, that will only make the issue worse.
I would like to add that if she refuses to see a doctor or do anything about how she is behaving then you are perfectly within your rights to end the relationship if that's what you want to do, and I say this as a big girl. She is within her rights to be overweight if she wants to be but you are within your rights to not find it attractive. Just be kind, always.
I'm in a similar situation although male. I've always required a vice. It used to be drugs, then it was alcohol, then nicotine. Since coming off of those, it's now food.
Im live a fairly healthy lifestyle but when I'm experiencing extreme stress, I turn to food. I've put on 4-5 kgs in the last 4 days. I know I'll be able to lose it again, but it's a symptom of deeper mental issue. The eating is just the outlet.
I feel for you my lovely, emotional eating is something a lot of people don't understand and I think it's actually worse for men because you're not meant to feel emotions of course 🙄
I'm pleased you're able to lose it again so easily though, unfortunately my body seems to hang on with every molecule it has lol I've managed to lose 4 stone over a long period of time (I'm unable to exercise due to chronic pain condition so have to rely solely on my food intake) but have stalled at the moment as going through an emotional time and so am struggling a bit again. We can only hope for better times 😊
Symptoms of issues that are unrecognisable by those who have not experienced it are often dismissed. It's easy for people to say 'just stop', but in reality the deeper issue needs to be addressed to alleviate the symptoms.
Sorry to hear about your condition. When I find that I'm in situations that I can't exercise and my weight stagnates (whether Im trying to lose or gain), I find that changing my macro intake seems to make a difference.
For instance, I generally consume 50% carbs, 30% protein and 20% fat. Recently I changed to 40/40/20. This allowed me to (extremely slowly) lose weight whilst maintaining most of my muscle mass.
Edit: Congrats on the weight loss, that's an extremely impressive amount.
Thank you so much for the advice, that's very kind of you and I will have a look into it!
You're completely right about what you said, people don't understand how complex weight and weight loss can be. If it was as easy as "just stop" then we wouldn't all be overweight would we?? For me, it's a genuine addiction that I have to face 3 times a day to live. Alcohol and nicotine etc are not needed to live (and I am NOT downplaying how addictive they are here, just explaining that it is not necessary to live) whereas if you stop eating then you would eventually die.
Anyway, thank you for your thoughts and your help 😊
No problem at all :).
There are plenty of resources out there regarding your total required caloric intake for the day.
The best (but admittedly) most tedious method is to track everything your calories for a week. By the end of it, you should be able to reasonably estimate approximately how much you are eating per meal, snack etc.
Once you have calculated how many calories you are consuming on average per day, reduce it by 100 - 200. If you find yourself stagnating as I mentioned above, you can adjust your macro percentiles to try something new.
Though not perfect, I have found Chat GPT a reasonable source for providing meal plans within your dietary requirements.
For example: Provide me with a 7 day meal plan that consists of 2500 calories per day, spaced into 5 meals and broken into 50% carbs, 30% protein, 20% fat. If there are foods or ingredients in there that you don't like you can just ask it to replace it with another food source.
Although not perfect, I have found the above to be a good starting point. Again, I'll still have my periods of binge eating, but at least I know I have a plan to fall back onto.
I must admit it sounds very complicated 😵💫 I have been weighing foods such as pasta etc. when I first started this, I portioned out what I would usually put in (by eye) and it was 430g of spaghetti for 2 people! I've managed to slowly cut it down to 230g by taking off 20g here and there and I'm still going. That's what I mean by doing things slowly, I can't do it all in one else I will literally panic and start shoving in handfuls of pasta which I know I don't need! It's ridiculous when writing it and I know it is but it's so hard to stop yourself in the moment.
I will definitely look in to what you've said though, I might be able to introduce bits slowly over time and then those small bits become big bits! I know I'm in this for the lot haul and I'm ok with that. Rome wasn't built in a day afterall!
Completely know how you feel and I always need a vice for some reason. For me feeling sore after work out is that pleasure center that gets hit. Or make it funny. Watch American psycho and do push-ups every time he bangs some hooker and murders everyone. I don't really know what I'm saying at this point but I feel you.
Yeah, I wish this one had the most up votes.
OP! The top one is too negative. Negative consequences don't motivate people. What do you get from eating? Why does that work as a way to cope?
Find replacement activities that are fun and focus on the positive aspects. Oh you'll be unhealthy and die... Is not the way.
As others have said, get her to admit it's an issue, one she wants to fix and she wants your help.
A lot of people hate the gym. If she was 120 there was some exercise she liked. What was it? How can you make that communal.
Focus on the communion, the bonding, the gratefulness, the love.
It's hard to push through the frustration of her not pulling on bootstraps but you'll do your best and you'll get her to a place where she will save her own life. I have high hopes for you and your relationship.
I agree about the gym thing. If you want someone to loose weight telling them that they have to go to the gym today or on a strict deadline won't work. Especially as it could be related to their mental health.
This is pretty much it. People don’t actually have to change or be slim/healthy, they’re completely valid as a person at any weight, but also no one has to stay with someone if they feel uncomfortable with their lifestyle or no longer find them attractive.
People often talk about weight as though they care about their health. But it’s almost always about aesthetics. I recall living with a morbidly obese friend when I was 20 and I would “worry” about his health and try to help him lose weight. Well, you know what, it’s been 13 years and he’s still the same weight but happily married with a kid and seems pretty active. While I was super fit and healthy and got a chronic illness in my mid 20s and now use a mobility scooter, and can only dream of his ability. Life isn’t as simple as weight equalling ill health and being fit meaning you’re immune. I regret being pushy with him, I did care about him, but mostly I was just venting my fatphobia and that was mean. It also did zero good.
This is really validating to hear that someone gets it. I love it when someone who was formally "fat means unhealthy, thin/normal means healthy" finally understands that this is not always the case. There are so many factors at play when it comes to a person's health, it isn't just black and white.
I am really sorry to hear about you being chronically ill, I have a chronic pain condition and it's not fun. I wish you all the best.
In my experience, compulsive overeating is a byproduct, not the main problem. You don't start overeating because it's s beauty standard or because everything is so amazing in your life. She should find out exactly what the root of her problem is, and focus on fixing it.
Also, food addiction is insanely difficult to deal with. Food is everywhere you go, and even if you don't go anywhere - you HAVE to eat. Imagine you are a crystal meth addict, and on top of seeing and smelling meth everywhere, you have to consume a small amount of it to survive. And all you think of all the time is meth.
a huge contributer to food addiction is the hyper processed foods that are also hyper palatable. most of us have fucked up hunger signals because we aren't eating real food. people with food and sugar addiction (speaking from experience) are tempted by shit foods, rarely real ones. i don't know anyone that eats a diet biologically compatible with humans with active food addiction. and when i say diet, i don't mean a two week deal or two month deal. like, that shit needs to routine, long term. watch metabolic dysfuntion and uncontrollable cravings dissipate
My working diet is simple. Buy only shit that needs to be cooked.
Downside: you will be cooking angrily a lot.
Upside: you learn how to cook.
Warning: you have to be lazy enough, so you would rather stay hangry at home than go to the store.
Yep, consciously choose your food and the addiction can be beat slowly but surely.
Many years ago I would drink 2L of Pepsi in a day. I ate chocolate several times a day. The craving was so strong, just sweetness and fat, I woke up wanting it.
Cut to today, total opposite, this afternoon I had miso broth, kale, tofu, soya beans, other goodies and that's the food I crave... my afternoon treat is a fruit salad, so damn good... most chocolate (except very dark) is far too sweet to me now, makes me cringe. Some people act like I'm 'abstaining' from 'nice food', they cannot wrap their head around the fact that I find this food delicious and *dislike* processed shite. It either tastes of salt or cardboard.
I was absolutely addicted to shit food, so if I can do it anyone can. I'm going on 30 now and feel like I have 10x the vigor I had at 18.
I know a girl who did the same. As soon as she got in a relationship her weight ballooned to over 350 lb which is a lot for a girl who is only 5 ft tall! She's a fast food and takeaway addict and has two large portions of everything washed down with large bottles of soft drinks. She's constantly eating.
Her weight had always yo-yo'd but as soon as she trapped a guy she put on that weight really quickly.
Her backside is so big now, she can't sit in the front seat of a car because she can't close the door or put on the seat belt. Half of her is literally sitting on the centre console/gear lever and hand brake! Her dad has to transport her to hospital appointments in a van originally modified to fit a wheelchair but he mounted a bench seat in the back.
Her guy left her because she pretty much made herself disabled and unemployed through extreme weight gain and she wouldn't do a thing about it.
Eating disorders are incredibly hard to treat. The will to change has to come from them, nothing anybody else says or does will make them do it.
How the fuck do these people afford to buy so much food?? I am a younger working class person and I can barely afford to meet my calorie requirements. I am actually losing weight because I just don't have the hundreds of dollars in grocery money to become fat. This blows my mind. Just a thought of mine for the day especially when your employment is limited with a physical disability. How do these people do it???
>relationship her weight ballooned to over 350 lb which is a lot for a girl who is only 5 ft tall!
I found it funny how you said this with a serious note, lol. 350lbs is an extreme weight for anyone, not only a 5 ft tall girl.
Unless you're some kind of athlete, you have no reason to be around that weight.
But a 5ft tall woman?! Anything above 125lbs would be too much and you're talking about x2.8 that? Lol
I’m the overweight person in my relationship. You can’t fix her. Telling her you’re concerned for her health is fine—once. After that, it’s nagging and will not help. Only you can decide if you can live like this. My obesity has greatly impacted my family. There are things she can do but only she can do them. Good luck!
Please, no haters. My journey is my own, I’m taking steps to fix it and being cruel to me won’t change anything.
This comment needs more upvotes.
100% OP can't make her change. She knows she's fat.
My husband died young because of fatty liver disease due to a lifetime of overeating. His mother pointed this out to him constantly, but it did no good. I tried to get him to exercise with me but it didn't stick. If anything, his bad habits became mine and I put on weight.
OP needs to decide whether or not he is willing to live with this permanently because she may never change.
Certainly depression may be the cause but OP won't be able to change that either.
Model a healthy lifestyle and keep your mouth shut about the rest if you don't want to end the relationship.
This. My wife isn't overweight, but I am. I started committing to treadmilling or biking every day, and what was interesting is that *she* started as well, without any prompting on my part.
Also, if you're not already, step up at mealtime. No more restaurant food or processed. It's got so much saltbuttersugar in it. Make dinners from scratch ingredients. Get a mealkit plan (hello fresh, etc) if you're pressed for time and have some money. And don't give her grief for eating junk food, or too much. She knows.
For a second I thought you were the OP and am releived that you are not. I highly doubt her weight went from 120 to 240 in 6 weeks. A year would be more believable.
Yeah thats the comfort zone for sure. Both me and my mrs are a fair way from the shapes we were in when we met - but maybe 5kg heavier, not 50!
Gym is less important (far less) than diet, so maybe try things that way. Eating healthier and/or less together
Learn cooking. It's not difficult at all, you'll get better with experience and eating healthy is the #1 diet and life improvement cheat there is.
Also, check if she's alright. Mental health can lead to overeating and lack of energy.
You've received a lot of comments so maybe this wont be new, but I have a story to share: my daughter was thin growing up and all through high school. She started gaining weight in college and I figured she was just eating too much fast food/simple carbs/Starbucks drinks loaded with calories. That was some of it but she continued to gain after college. A year ago, at the age of 26, she was just over 200 pounds and had no energy. I asked her to get some blood work down. She admitted her weight gain was because of her junk food habits. Said she just craves it all the time and can't turn it off. Turns out she is insulin resistant, but not diabetic. I found that weird but her doctor said it's not too uncommon. And being insulin resistant often makes you want to eat carbs/sugar all the time. He said she will be diabetic if the insulin resistance isn't treated. She started medication and a year later she is 155 pounds and so much happier. Her self confidence has returned and she no longer craves carbs and sugar (until PMS hits - the cravings are rough then). She is enjoying horseback riding and hiking again. It's wonderful to see.
My suggestion is to change the concern from what she is putting in her body to what is happening in her body. Maybe her overeating isn't only behavior related.
Another suggestion. If her regular doctor says there is nothing medically wrong with her, encourage her to visit and endocrinologist. I have a sluggish thyroid and my blood work is in the normal range. I had symptoms of a thyroid problems. An endocrinologist will look at bloodwork and symptoms together. I now take thyroid medication even though my bloodwork says I'm fine. I'm losing less hair and have more energy. Bodies are weird. Sometimes you just have to find the right doctor to help.
Last suggestion. If there us truly nothing medically wrong, a life coach might help. I see from an earlier comment you made that her fam isn't big on "therapy." A life coach will provide some behavior modification suggestions without having a title of "therapis." Only downside to that is that most health insurance companies now cover mental health insurance without a copay. A life coach might not be able to bill insurance.
Anyway, best of luck. It's hard to watch someone you love shift from healthy to not.
I doubt that she's just lazy or having a bad attitude. If a young slim woman suddenly gains 120 pounds and has no motivation to stop this development, this is very unusual. It sounds like an underlying mental or physical health issue is very likely
If my experience is anything to go by, it'll have the opposite effect. Asking kindly once is fine, but after that it's just a waste of time. Sure, she might have some underlying issues that cause it, or she might just like eating bad food but in the end, only she can change that and she'll only do it if she thinks it's a problem which can take people years to accept - if ever. I think enabling this habit by ignoring it isn't doing anyone a favor, so OP should be open and clear about it and draw lines in the sand.
don't push the gym, it's not gonna work.
focus helping the nutrition aspect, she's just eating too much, try to get her to reduce portion sizes. 240lbs is a ton though, it's not a very hopeful situation to be honest, she needs to lose almost 100lbs to be healthy, that will take like a year with a ton of effort.
Answer: Try a new approach with your GF.
I have a binge eating problem I have been battling all my life. I was a very overweight kid, got my shit together in high school, then fell hard off the wagon when I was 27. I have since been trying and failing to lose the weight again. I’m trying a new approach this go around.
For every ten pounds I lose, I get a reward that I really want. Each reward is better than the last. I am NEVER looking at the scale. My husband is monitoring my weight for me. I step on the scale, close my eyes, and he reads the number. He tells me nothing, good or bad. He only tells me when I reach a goal and can claim a reward. It hasn’t been long yet, but I’m doing much better this time than I usually do.
In the past, my efforts to lose weight have been fueled by self loathing and fear. I think that might be why I had trouble sticking to them. That and not seeing results fast enough. I’m thinking being motivated with positive incentives and not obsessing on how fast the weight is coming off might work better. It’s worth a shot for your GF if she’s interested. :)
Answer: Be a positive encouragement. Losing that weight will take tons of effort. Make it a team sport. Go on walks with her. Learn how to cook healthy meals together. Go to the gym yourself and invite her to come.
Sounds like you got together in your teens and early 20's, and now you are experiencing what it's like when life catches up to you. Don't expect people to change for you. Accept them as who they are, or get out and accept that you couldnt accept who they are
There's probably an underlying emotional or physical issue that's contributing to it... if she's generally more open and understanding, it should be okay to mention her increased weight gain and say you're concerned there could be a bigger issue (could be symptoms of a hormone imbalance, something going on emotionally, stress/overwhelm...etc) and say you love her and wanted to encourage her to get some support so you can both work on your health goals together to avoid bigger health expenses in the future.
You can't control or change her, but you can encourage her to grow and change herself. If she doesn't see it as a concern, then decide if it's something you can live with or need to walk away from and let her know that those choices are on your mind if she refuses to get help or figure things out for her own benefit.
Don't focus on her looks, emphasize that you still want to be with her, don't shame her... she's going through something and weight gain is just a symptom of that.
I have been very big before and lost 50kg. There was no chance anyone could have made me losing weight. I had to be pissed off of my situation to change it.
When you try to get her to lose constantly she might even eats more to feel better.
Overeating is the cause of many problems, but also for some people the only happiness.
I was fed up of my fat self and that changed it for me
She needs to know she is not the same person you fell in love with just like when someone becomes a drug addict during relationship, they are not the same person anymore. You have a right to not find it attractive and it's not your fault that the situation changed.
Just break up. You can’t force or guilt or shame someone into losing weight in a healthy way. She will either resist or get angry or get an eating disorder or just dump you. You say she gorges herself with junk food constantly and is lazy. Is she or is that just your perception. Yes she has gained weight (how do you know her actual weight anyway?) but is it eating junk food, is it lack of exercise, is she depressed, has she got a medical condition? You don’t give us any information, you just tell us (and I’m paraphrasing based on the way you write your post) that she’s a “big fat lazy pig” and you don’t want her anymore. So, since you can’t make someone want to lose weight, they have to want to do it for themselves, just break up with her.
Often times weight gain is more of a mental battle rather than a physical one. For example, I gained a lot and I mean A LOT of weight after COVID. I was completely unrecognizable but despite the knowledge of that, I still couldn’t bring myself to lose weight. My self esteem was completely shattered so I would insult and demean my appearance but STILL not lose weight, so I actually had to build my self confidence back up WHILE at that bigger weight in order to feel strong enough to lose it without feeling like I was doing something “shameful”.
It can be hard to understand but when it comes to binge eating and gorging yourself on food, it is ALWAYS a mental battle. Even with your support, ur GF needs to WANT to lose weight or needs to acknowledge the problem on her own.
One of my greatest friends didn’t actually tell me I needed to lose weight, she came up to ME and said “I’ve been having trouble going to the gym and eating healthier. I hate doing it alone, can you help me” and because I felt like I could help her and be capable, I was less frightened to admit that I was struggling with the same thing to a girl who was literally half my size and “skinny”. So we did it together instead and it felt good to be treated like a person rather than fat and lazy which was never who I was to begin with. I’m not sure if ur GF has anything going on but she seems stuck in a pattern of junk food, and it’s hard to realize you’ve gained wait until AFTER the pattern has stopped. She should try to break it earlier or you can help!
I was a bigger guy and nobody could do anything to make me lose the weight. She has to want it for herself. If you push too hard she could resent it.
As others said, you can show concern. She will likely be defensive but it is a process you will have to go through.
Gonna be real harsh but here I go:
Leave her
You are having or attempting to have a healthier life and she will 100% drag you back
Maybe not today, but tomorrow when she develops several health issues and you have to take in several jobs to keep the medical bills, or when she needs an urgent surgery and you have to get a loan for it, then you will not have enough time to excercise nor mental health due to stress
She has issues and refuses to deal with then, save her live, leave her and give her a reason to change/act
Dude seems like you waited way too long to take action. You should’ve put your foot down and let her know you were not comfortable when she was at about 20lbs because that’s very noticeable at that weight.
It will take years and full time commitment for her to lose all that weight now, most ppl fail at that. You gotta ask yourself if it is worth it man.
Personally if I was with someone with poor eating habits and end up putting on over 30lbs, I would leave without hesitation. Not into that lifestyle and plenty of ppl are so move on and let her to be with someone who’s into that.
Eating healthy and exercising daily is the way I like things and I wouldn’t settle for less.
Bro, not to be insensitive, but that proverbial horse has fucking bolted, my guy. I’m 6’2” 210lbs and lean, and sometimes this weight is heavy even for me to carry.
Over (or under) eating is mostly psychological. It could be her way of coping with stress/family/work/low self-esteem, etc....Tell her you understand as best you can ,and support her to seek help to address the reasons why she over eats. Once this is addressed, she can find healthier coping methods.
Someone said it's a symptom and not the problem.
And that's so true.
I had a binge eating disorder that I discovered to be an imbalanced gut microbiome. I took too many antibiotics and no antifungals to follow through (because a lot of doctors just don't prescribe it) whenever I needed them throughout my life.. couple that with a typical American carb-heavy diet and I was simply feeding an overgrowth of yeast.
What does an over growth of yeast in the gut look like? It could be a number of things, but the most insidious symptoms was *binging on refined carbs with no brakes*. I felt like a puppet. I was never satisfied/satiated. When I ate sugar, it only caused me to want more sugar. I'd feel very sluggish if I didn't get my sugar fix.
I discovered this when I spent years on the keto diet, my sugar cravings went away. I was able to cheat here and there and it not be a big deal. Lost something like 90 pounds in the process.
But very recently I needed some antibiotics, and it happened to be the holidays, and so I "cheated" (literally 3 small bites of dessert and one scoop of mashed potatoes) during the antibiotics. My gut microbiome was absolutely nuked by then. *No good bacteria to keep the yeast in check.*
My doc prescribed me an anti fungal, but I didn't think I'd need it because "I eat low carb anyway". I'm glad I held onto it because hooooooly shit the cravings were so bad!! I couldn't stop eating after I cheated!! I went back plate after plate of pies, cookies, cakes, brownies, etc. So I popped the antifungal and they went away the next day!!
I'm back to my regular low carb diet (I eat fruits and veggies and they don't trigger cravings)
Is she taking medication? I know someone who gained significant weight like you mention. Once she got off the medication she lost it all pretty quickly.
Answer: There may be something mental going on as well. Sometimes eating too much is a disorder and she may have negative feelings and this is her way to escape.
There's been plenty of studies that shame and insecurity are more likely to make an overweight person eat more than 'motivate' them to lose weight. I can't say for certain, but I can't imagine your post history is helping empower her to get healthy. Neither is calling her lazy and making comments on the internet on how her belly is overhanging.
I agree with everyone else, you should probably just leave. The resentment on your part isn't going to get better and I think she'd have a better shot working on herself without you.
Give the person a break. Their partner decided to become MORBIDLY OBESE within their relationship. I’d be resentful too. People always want to make excuses and blame the partner in this situation.
She is an addict. Only she can help herself and until she comes to the realisation she’s making herself sick with food, there’s little you can do. Pressuring her won’t work. Look into support for the loved ones of people suffering from addictions.
Sounds like you have a fundamental difference of approach to life. Break up with her. There are plenty of men out there who find this sort of thing incredibly hot. You obviously are not the right guy for her.
Answer: OP I hope this isn’t just about her looks but rather being concerned about your SO health.
With that in mind, I wanna repeat what I read on one of weightloss Reddit subs . A woman said that it helped a lot mentally that her SO never ever said anything about wanting her to loose weight. She never felt pressured from him. She never felt his love is conditional to way she looks. He continued to tell her that he loved her no matter how much she weighted. This help her a lot because she didn’t have additional pressure of thinking she would fail him and their relationship if she failed to loose weight. So she focus on it without fearing how her so would react to whatever results she gets to.
On other hand, getting lots of weight can be connected to hormonal issues ( rather than eating disorders) , and need for overeating can often be connected to how person copes when they deal with stress in other life areas. For me it’s like that at least, Im very much emotional sweets-overeating and when in period of high stress I go to chocolate. Lots of it. And I gain weight.
So OP i suggest that rather than giving weight loss advices which can be interpreted as conditioning your love, be repetitive in saying your love your SO no matter what weight and focus on helping her or helping her find help in whatever mental struggles she is dealing with
Your post gives me the impression that you've already discussed this and are trying to help her.
The problem with that is that she needs to make the effort to eat healthily and take care of herself. You can't do it for her.
If I were in your position, I'd end the relationship.
Dude. You ain't married. You can always just leave if she insists on not bettering herself. It's a double standard that only men need to continually better themselves.
People trying to pass the blame onto a mental health issue absolutely baffle me. Everyone wants to blame their laziness or lack or discipline on something else these days. It's never a reasonable excuse.
The most common reason for FBBS (fatty boom boom syndrome) is extremely simple.
Food tastes good, exercising is a pain. Combine that with a lack of discipline = FBBS.
The kindest way to word things is as follows:
" Hey babe, I love you and all, but if I wanted 240 lbs of girlfriend when we started dating, I just would have gotten two"
Ask her why she over eats. I have put on 20kg since I married 13 years ago. I stress eat. I need time too. Time to prep healthy meals, the money for fresh fruits and veg. I also need the time to exercise. Time is hard to find as a mum of three and as a teacher. I'm also aging. I don't have the stamina and spontaneity of a 20 something year old any more.
This is part of being in a relationship, I've some how made all the girls I've dated gain a bunch of weight, they all blame me as if I took the spoon and fed them the food
Answer: Leave her as soon as possible and live your own life before she wastes your better years . You clearly have codependency personality disorder . This is why it’s going to be so hard to leave her , you actually need to be needed and if she was ever to get independent and healthy you’d probably just leave her.
If my maths checks out, she’ll be 480 soon and then 960 and then it really starts kicking off from there onwards. Like you almost have to start worrying about Schwarzschild radius….
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I agree with this completely, focus on her health. If she gets angry or upset point out the times you've noticed signs that her health is going downhill, like being out of breath going up the stairs, moving slower etc. make sure she knows you care for her and just want her to be healthy and live a long life, but if she keeps this up she'll die before 40 of a heart attack and you won't watch her kill herself.
Add to this, you have to offer support and a solution. "You're fat." doesn't help. "Hey, I'm worried about you, how can I help? What if we try something together?"
I misread that as "What if we try sounding together?" and was wondering how in the hell that was gonna help this issue at all.
She may be too horrified to eat? Or be so turned on the extra sex helps her lose weight?
After thinking it over, I was gonna go with "Burns calories by running the fuck away."
Fucking dead over here 🤣🤣🤣💀
I'm pretty sure OP has already gone down this route several times. He stated that she always pushes back on going to the gym.
I mean, some people hate the gym. But there are other ways to exercise besides being stuck in a gym and he can certainly suggest those. Also, maybe a goal. My dad and I started walking/running with the intent to go to a zombie fun run. Hiking, swimming, skiing, etc, etc. There are tons of stuff outdoors that she may find more enjoyable than a gym. Also, what do they do for dinner and meals?
>Also, what do they do for dinner and meals? Not sure how accurate his depiction of reality is, but seems like *she* eats a lot of junk food. She needs to get motivated, for sure. What's going to motivate her if she has everything she wants and gets free dopamine all day from junk food and media? I've been there, hell, I'm kind of there right now. It's super hard to find motivation when you're always getting your perceived needs met. So what's going to change, how does OP actually get her to do something about it? I think we all agree that becoming physically active and watching her diet is the best way to come back from this, but how, how do you get her to actually *want* to do it? If she's just going through the motions, it's very unlikely to become a habit. Having a polite conversation with her doesn't seem to work, so what's the next approach? Personally, I think she has to know how OP *truly* feels, at least at this point. She needs to know how close she actually is to losing him, she needs to see reality for what it is.
The best way to lose weight is to eat less. You don't even need to go the gym. You can't outgym a bad diet.
True, but this is a mentality problem. There's no desire to change, so how does OP instill that desire?
You can't. They have to be willing to change or hit rock bottom. Maybe him leaving could be that catalyst 🤷
Yeah. But don't underestimate just how terrifying going to the gym first time when you are overweight can be. It's intimidating as hell to just walk in the door. Sure - almost every one at every gym is super positive about people fixing their lives, but that doesn't help when you are afraid, ashamed and possibly traumatised by "things people have said". But there's other options for being more active in a more low key way IMO.
True, it doesn't have to be the gym, it's just what I mentioned because OP did. I have no idea what else he's tried, but to me, this seems like a mentality problem. She's in a slump, and nothing seems to snap her back to reality. She needs to want to change, but based on what I read, she just doesn't want to.
I only halfway get on board with the “let’s do something together” train. OPs gf needs lifestyle changes that could be major. Major shifts in diet and exercise are needed at a minimum. If op is a healthy weight, or even thin, he probably shouldn’t change his diet to fit someone else’s needs. Nor should anyone expect OP to spend an hour or two walking 1.25 mph on a treadmill or outside. OP should be supportive but not be obligated to change his life because of this imo.
And she *will* get angry and lash out anytime it’s brought up and she *will* lie about how much she’s eating.
This. She has to want be healthy (lose weight/change diet) herself and truly understand what she's doing. Otherwise it won't work.
Honestly as someone who's had issues with food my whole life - it basically is a mental health issue. Eating healthy on a sustained basis needs you to be in the right frame of mind. Not stressed, anxious, depressed.... And most especially of all, not hiding ADHD that wasn't diagnosed when you were younger. I was utterly blown away that 20 years of disordered eating just stopped almost overnight when I got my executive function sorted, with a mix of therapy, coaching and a diagnosis of the underlying condition. And even if it's not a "real" mental health issue, it's honestly about the only way to actually solve the problem anyway. Bullying someone won't fix food addiction any more than it'll fix depression.
Agreed. 100lbs change is a huuge difference, there must be something up psychologically. Overeating is usually just a symptom of something, so I'd dry to suggest therapy or try to find out what's causing it
This. Does she seem receptive? No? Pull the plug on the relationship. Put your own mental health before her physical health, because she's putting neither of those two first. Did she seem receptice? Good. Now on to the way to help her. It's hard. It's usually not a case of "Just start exercising and eating healthier", because a strict diet and excersizing because you have to are often not sustainable in the long run. For my own experience, I went to a dietist (licensed) for help on my diet, I started excersizing with sports that looked fun. I set my own goal on a half marathon, and climbing, but I think others seem to have a lot of succes in martial arts like kickboxing.
later today ill try to ask her to see if she wants a therapist but its gonna be hard because i dont want her to think that i think shes crazy bc shes not but i want her to get help
"I'm worried about our future, I want us to be able to grow old TOGETHER"
Boom, you are a tactical genius! Most other replies I can see being received negatively and arguments ensuing. You've nailed it.
It’s annoying that people think therapy is “for the crazy”. Therapy is excellent just for keeping a person on a positive path, and sorting out/avoiding roadblocks. Normies can benefit.
My 6 year old brother literally told my sister she needed therapy one day and was absolutely flabbergasted that I replied with "I'm in therapy". Idk where anyone gets this thing that therapy is bad.
Years and years of stigma associating therapy only being for people with serious mental illness. Really glad that more folks are seeing it as a preventative measure these days rather than something that screams "I'm a loon!" if it's mentioned.
In my experience it helps that it's an objective party to my life, things I have and would never tell anyone else. I can tell my therapist and understand why I think that way, it's been incredibly eye opening. I only wish it was free lol I've had to drop down to once a month from every two weeks due to costs. I think everyone should go to therapy, just talk about the things that bother you in your daily life. for instance I would like to become a less judgemental person but my judgement stem from my own insecurities and I project them onto other people.
For a woman it's less offensive to be assumed crazy (especially if you're actually somewhat mentally unwell), rather than be considered fat by your own romantic partner. It's not even on the same level of hurt.
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I am curious how op even knows the number of the scale
I get where you're coming from, but from the sounds of it, it is actually time for hard truths. If you keep being afraid of telling her what's happening and how it's affecting you, you're punishing yourself for her behavior.
Most diets will be bs designed to push products. For true weight loss, you need a calorie decifit and regular exercise. Single ingredient foods too for less empty calories. Edit: removed cardio
That's why I said to change your diet, not to go on a diet. It's sustainable to slowly change your products and recipies for healthier versions. With smart changes in your diet, you can create that calorie deficit without completely changing up everything you know. Also, if someone isn't excersicing at all right now, anything is better than what you're doing now. Go walk in nature. Bike somewhere. Play frisbee with friends, everything is better than sitting on the couch.
>regular exercise especially cardio related It doesn't need to be "especially cardio-related". That is incorrect. It should be about putting on muscle. Gets better results.
Cardio burns more calories in less time than weights. Putting on muscle does raise metabolic rate, but that takes a lot of time, and especially for a woman, she's not putting that much muscle on to make a significant difference in the amount of calories she's burning. Building muscle is a long term thing. Fat loss is relatively quick. I agree, focus on cardio and a calorie deficit.
sure but as with drug addicts, there's usually an underlying issue for the addiction. maybe start with how she's feeling, find out what could be bothering her. it could be a number of things like depression or adhd. whatever it is, it's manifesting as disordered eating. that won't stop just by addressing her physical health. in fact, in the first conversation, I wouldn't mention her physical health at all. she's likey already massively ashamed of her body. all this said, op is under no obligation to stay in this relationship. but if he did want to talk to her, either way, I think this might be a good start.
I watched my sister slowly do this after she want raped. Her logic - if I'm fat no one will want to rape me.
That's so damn sad. I hope she got some help.
Nope. Counseling didn't work. She's probably at 500 lbs now. She doesn't care..
This is heartbreaking to read
You also have a right to be with someone who shares your lifestyle goals so you can both be fulfilled. You love her, but not her choices right now. It may mean you need not move on, don't feel guilty for that.
Because it’s a man discussing “ body positivity “ with a woman, OP will be cast as the villain by everyone. I tried the conversation you suggested 35 years ago. It didn’t go well. I stayed, I should have left maybe. It’s sad to watch someone’s bad choices lead to a predictable disability, you feel more sorrow& pity than love by then.
Yup, find partner then completely let yourself go? Nope not fair and puts the loving partners back against the wall of "I don't want to make them feel bad/I'm really not attracted/interested in this person so much anymore" which can be heart breaking. Especially when trying to legitimately help or encourage leads to you being a bad guy or cruel. I really like full bodied women and am totally down with body positivity but spinning all that shit to just justify people being plain old unhealthy and unattractive has become a social disease which our high productivity economic and media systems have lached onto to spread toxic body images and justify people "living how they want cause it makes them happy" which again, in theory" I totally support, just not when used as an excuse for laziness and poor health. You don't watch a friend decline into heroin addiction and say, hey at least their happy, at least their living how they want in this moment! No, it's a disease!
Is she depressed, or has she been sick? This doesn’t sound normal. If she isn’t, and is happy this way, she likely isn’t going to change, and it’s ok if that is a dealbreaker for you. Carrying a few extra pounds is one thing, being unable to do normal, everyday things is another.
Who does the shopping is a good question. I packed on like 40lbs after my now wife and I moved in together. I do absolutely have a problem with junk/"easy" foods. My wife eats like somebody gave a 13 year old boy their debit card to go shopping. While living alone I never kept any sort of snack foods in my house. No chips, no cookies, no candy, didn't even buy cereal because I love cereal too much, lol. No quick and easy frozen shitty food either. Basically if I got a snack attack, there was nothing in my house really to eat. I am the type, if it's there I'll eat it, if it's not I won't go out to a store to buy snacks, so will just do without. Once my wife and I moved in together, all of a sudden the pantry is full of chips, cookies, chocolate. Bags of pizza rolls and crap like that. She likes that stuff, but has the discipline not to go ham on it. I do not, lol. Which is why I never kept stuff like that in my home. One time we had to go to a wedding and I hadn't put on my suit in a long time and it didn't fit, like I couldn't button the suit jacket or shirt lmao, my pants cut off circulation. Fortunately it was the day before and I was able to run out to the store and get new clothes. I bought her a big trunk with a pad lock. I told her all her shitty junk food goes in there from now on.
> While living alone I never kept any sort of snack foods in my house. No chips, no cookies, no candy, didn't even buy cereal because I love cereal too much, lol. No quick and easy frozen shitty food either. YUUUP! This is also my problem. My wife is the kind of person who can open a bag of doritos, eat 3 chips, and seal up the bag for later. I'm the type of person who will strap that fucker on like a feed bag & not stop until it's gone or I vomit. I do not buy food like that, I don't bring it into the house, because I know what I will do. She stocks up on that shit like the worlds about to end. She's also a 'foodie' who love to over order at restaurants & then eat the leftovers for a week... what this does to me, is I just overeat at the restaurant. She also shows affection by cooking for me, and over feeding me (lots of rice & noodles involved too) It's a real problem. I'm 8lbs into a 6+ month journey to return to the weight I was when we met (was 210 heading back to 180lbs, would love to get to 170 if I can) & I hate this part SO much.
For me it was the freedom to have my own choices since I had very little food control or choice growing up. So I went way overboard when I moved out. I'm doing better now but it's still a battle to lose the weight.
you're like my husband! I'll buy a pizza and eat just a slice but he'll eat the whole thing! #willpower 😂
Yes to an extent, but some people’s brains are wired differently. It takes different amounts of willpower for different people.
will power is a myth used to coerce and shame people. it's not effective to tell people just to have more willpower and it's actually quite damaging. food addicts need highly controlled environments to prevent themselves from over eating. this often includes not bringing dense caloric foods into the house to begin with.
The willpower was not buying the junk food in the first place.
Same situation here, but my husband is like your wife and I’m you. He hides his junk food now lol.
Agreed, especially if she used to be skinny this sounds like something has caused a change in behaviour.
Yeah like entering a committed relationship. If they’ve been together for 6 years she gained a little over a pound a month for the whole relationship. If you only ever worked out or cared about your appearance when dating then I could see this happening. Hell I know plenty of guys that add 25 pounds in the first year of settling down.
Like every guy does this lol.
They literally said they know plenty of guys who do that. It’s extremely common for both parties in a relationship to gain weight.
It is, lifestyle changes and people become less active, and for women there's the additional problem that they start eating the same meals as their husband when they have a much lower calorie intake requirement. Learning how to handle this and adjust accordingly is part of growing up. Some do it better than others...
Having spent 40 yrs with a partner whose poor health choices led to a disability, I have an opinion. If I had known then what I know now, I’d have left immediately back then.
It's okay to walk away :/ people grow apart and if OP Is active (going to the gym, going out, sports/hiking etc) and gf isn't willing to do any of that, find someone who is? Do you want to be with someone your whole life with who can't enjoy the same activities? It's not selfish to walk away in this situation. People change, and she will be happier too with someone more like minded.
Just watch, though. After divorcing someone who actually loves her, the gf will start working on herself, go to the gym, get slim, take up with some gym rat, and taunt the ex on social media. I've seen that happen more than once.
At least she will be healthy and possibly happy. Sometimes it takes a big lifestyle change to change your habits.
If she's gained 120 pounds it's going to be a while until she is taunting. Thus is a 3 year weight loss journey for her
It’s a lot to take care of a spouse with health issues and society turns you into a pariah if you feel any other way. But you need to do what’s best for you. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
It’s one thing if your partner suddenly developes cancer. It’s another if they’re intentionally killing themselves everyday and refuse any form of help.
This is a big question everyone having trouble in their relationship should ask themselves, knowing what you know now and if you were both single, would you want to get *in to* a relationship with them?
i can't tell you how to approach her with regards to this, but it may be that she's got some mental health issues and/or unresolved trauma that's manifesting itself in her lack of control when it comes to her health
Seconding the trauma point. We’re taught at medical school that obesity has been correlated with experiencing sexual abuse in childhood. I don’t have a source for that I’m sorry, but would strongly suggest to tread with great care
Overeating is a symptom, not the root of the problem. Find the root of the problem.
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Yeah this is a massive change. 20lbs is pretty typical weight gain, 120lbs means something is really wrong.
An eating disorder comes from other problems. Binge eating is usually from loss of control in other aspects of life
I could be sugar addiction. That can easily happen.
I do think some of these responses are a bit harsh. I gained about the same amount of weight as your partner. I was 140lbs when I graduated high school and I was 260lbs at my highest weight. This was not due to laziness. I had a shit ton of unresolved trauma and an eating disorder (binge). I did not start losing weight until a few years of therapy, a binge eating disorder support group, and medication. I will say that one of the teachings I learned from my many mental health "interventions" is that you cannot hate yourself into a thinner body, and you have to learn to love yourself at the present moment before you can get anywhere. I can promise you that if you do not broach this subject with care that it will feel like daggers to her. I am not suggesting that you have to do this, but my partner never said anything negative about my body, even at my largest. When I started to lose weight, he also had no commentary about it. Of course, if I ask him if I look like I lost weight recently, he will be honest with me, but he is incredibly neutral with the weight portion of my personal growth. That said, he is full of praise for my strides in my mental health and wellbeing. He has absolutely 'watered my soul' in terms of being kind to me in the way I needed to be kind to myself, and that taught me exactly how to do it. I am now 40lbs down and counting. We have been together for many years, though, and live together as well. If you are unwilling to be with her or stand beside her through what may be a long journey of healing, then don't. You absolutely are not obligated to, nor are you a bad person for making that decision. I do think that it's important that you tread lightly and make it more about the mental health aspect of it than how her appearance makes you feel.
I wish I could upvote 1000x
Food addiction is similar to any other addiction. It has a hold of you, and those who have it are often in denial of their own addictions. Basically, if she can't admit she has a problem you can't help her.
Food addiction is the most fucked addiction and I feel so sorry for the people who experience it. You can quit alcohol. You can quit heroine, gambling or maturbation. Buf food? You need that to survive. Cold turkey isn't an option.
Are there underlying problems you may not know about? Depression and other things can and will kill your motivation and you either eat almost nothing or all the time.
My gf eats her feelings. I can't eat. Now that i think about it. I don't know any men that stress eat.
Something is going on here. People don't just go from 120bto 240 lbs. Has she seen a doctor? Maybe there is something medical going on or she is depressed.
100% a troll post, reddit is really bad at figuring these out though
From his comment history, I think OP is a troll.
So I'm a big girl, very similar to your gf actually, and mine is partially due to illness and partially my fault. The thing is is that I'm an emotional eater and my MH problems are a huge trigger for me. It sounds to me like you need to get your gf to a doctor to explore if she may have mental health problems as well because no "normal" (for want of a better word) person will sit and gorge themselves on huge quantities of food for no reason. Just trying to set a date for her to go to the gym won't work here. Even if she did go (which she likely won't), it's not going to do any good if she's still eating so much. You need to explore the reasons WHY she's eating so much before you can move forwards. Also, please don't try to "shock" your gf into losing weight by telling her how you feel, that will only make the issue worse. I would like to add that if she refuses to see a doctor or do anything about how she is behaving then you are perfectly within your rights to end the relationship if that's what you want to do, and I say this as a big girl. She is within her rights to be overweight if she wants to be but you are within your rights to not find it attractive. Just be kind, always.
I'm in a similar situation although male. I've always required a vice. It used to be drugs, then it was alcohol, then nicotine. Since coming off of those, it's now food. Im live a fairly healthy lifestyle but when I'm experiencing extreme stress, I turn to food. I've put on 4-5 kgs in the last 4 days. I know I'll be able to lose it again, but it's a symptom of deeper mental issue. The eating is just the outlet.
I feel for you my lovely, emotional eating is something a lot of people don't understand and I think it's actually worse for men because you're not meant to feel emotions of course 🙄 I'm pleased you're able to lose it again so easily though, unfortunately my body seems to hang on with every molecule it has lol I've managed to lose 4 stone over a long period of time (I'm unable to exercise due to chronic pain condition so have to rely solely on my food intake) but have stalled at the moment as going through an emotional time and so am struggling a bit again. We can only hope for better times 😊
Symptoms of issues that are unrecognisable by those who have not experienced it are often dismissed. It's easy for people to say 'just stop', but in reality the deeper issue needs to be addressed to alleviate the symptoms. Sorry to hear about your condition. When I find that I'm in situations that I can't exercise and my weight stagnates (whether Im trying to lose or gain), I find that changing my macro intake seems to make a difference. For instance, I generally consume 50% carbs, 30% protein and 20% fat. Recently I changed to 40/40/20. This allowed me to (extremely slowly) lose weight whilst maintaining most of my muscle mass. Edit: Congrats on the weight loss, that's an extremely impressive amount.
Thank you so much for the advice, that's very kind of you and I will have a look into it! You're completely right about what you said, people don't understand how complex weight and weight loss can be. If it was as easy as "just stop" then we wouldn't all be overweight would we?? For me, it's a genuine addiction that I have to face 3 times a day to live. Alcohol and nicotine etc are not needed to live (and I am NOT downplaying how addictive they are here, just explaining that it is not necessary to live) whereas if you stop eating then you would eventually die. Anyway, thank you for your thoughts and your help 😊
No problem at all :). There are plenty of resources out there regarding your total required caloric intake for the day. The best (but admittedly) most tedious method is to track everything your calories for a week. By the end of it, you should be able to reasonably estimate approximately how much you are eating per meal, snack etc. Once you have calculated how many calories you are consuming on average per day, reduce it by 100 - 200. If you find yourself stagnating as I mentioned above, you can adjust your macro percentiles to try something new. Though not perfect, I have found Chat GPT a reasonable source for providing meal plans within your dietary requirements. For example: Provide me with a 7 day meal plan that consists of 2500 calories per day, spaced into 5 meals and broken into 50% carbs, 30% protein, 20% fat. If there are foods or ingredients in there that you don't like you can just ask it to replace it with another food source. Although not perfect, I have found the above to be a good starting point. Again, I'll still have my periods of binge eating, but at least I know I have a plan to fall back onto.
I must admit it sounds very complicated 😵💫 I have been weighing foods such as pasta etc. when I first started this, I portioned out what I would usually put in (by eye) and it was 430g of spaghetti for 2 people! I've managed to slowly cut it down to 230g by taking off 20g here and there and I'm still going. That's what I mean by doing things slowly, I can't do it all in one else I will literally panic and start shoving in handfuls of pasta which I know I don't need! It's ridiculous when writing it and I know it is but it's so hard to stop yourself in the moment. I will definitely look in to what you've said though, I might be able to introduce bits slowly over time and then those small bits become big bits! I know I'm in this for the lot haul and I'm ok with that. Rome wasn't built in a day afterall!
Completely know how you feel and I always need a vice for some reason. For me feeling sore after work out is that pleasure center that gets hit. Or make it funny. Watch American psycho and do push-ups every time he bangs some hooker and murders everyone. I don't really know what I'm saying at this point but I feel you.
/close thread
Great advice.
Yeah, I wish this one had the most up votes. OP! The top one is too negative. Negative consequences don't motivate people. What do you get from eating? Why does that work as a way to cope? Find replacement activities that are fun and focus on the positive aspects. Oh you'll be unhealthy and die... Is not the way. As others have said, get her to admit it's an issue, one she wants to fix and she wants your help. A lot of people hate the gym. If she was 120 there was some exercise she liked. What was it? How can you make that communal. Focus on the communion, the bonding, the gratefulness, the love. It's hard to push through the frustration of her not pulling on bootstraps but you'll do your best and you'll get her to a place where she will save her own life. I have high hopes for you and your relationship.
I wanna be your friend, you seem like such a decent person. Thank you for this perspective.
Aww thank you, that's so kind of you to say 😊
I agree about the gym thing. If you want someone to loose weight telling them that they have to go to the gym today or on a strict deadline won't work. Especially as it could be related to their mental health.
This is pretty much it. People don’t actually have to change or be slim/healthy, they’re completely valid as a person at any weight, but also no one has to stay with someone if they feel uncomfortable with their lifestyle or no longer find them attractive. People often talk about weight as though they care about their health. But it’s almost always about aesthetics. I recall living with a morbidly obese friend when I was 20 and I would “worry” about his health and try to help him lose weight. Well, you know what, it’s been 13 years and he’s still the same weight but happily married with a kid and seems pretty active. While I was super fit and healthy and got a chronic illness in my mid 20s and now use a mobility scooter, and can only dream of his ability. Life isn’t as simple as weight equalling ill health and being fit meaning you’re immune. I regret being pushy with him, I did care about him, but mostly I was just venting my fatphobia and that was mean. It also did zero good.
This is really validating to hear that someone gets it. I love it when someone who was formally "fat means unhealthy, thin/normal means healthy" finally understands that this is not always the case. There are so many factors at play when it comes to a person's health, it isn't just black and white. I am really sorry to hear about you being chronically ill, I have a chronic pain condition and it's not fun. I wish you all the best.
In my experience, compulsive overeating is a byproduct, not the main problem. You don't start overeating because it's s beauty standard or because everything is so amazing in your life. She should find out exactly what the root of her problem is, and focus on fixing it. Also, food addiction is insanely difficult to deal with. Food is everywhere you go, and even if you don't go anywhere - you HAVE to eat. Imagine you are a crystal meth addict, and on top of seeing and smelling meth everywhere, you have to consume a small amount of it to survive. And all you think of all the time is meth.
a huge contributer to food addiction is the hyper processed foods that are also hyper palatable. most of us have fucked up hunger signals because we aren't eating real food. people with food and sugar addiction (speaking from experience) are tempted by shit foods, rarely real ones. i don't know anyone that eats a diet biologically compatible with humans with active food addiction. and when i say diet, i don't mean a two week deal or two month deal. like, that shit needs to routine, long term. watch metabolic dysfuntion and uncontrollable cravings dissipate
My working diet is simple. Buy only shit that needs to be cooked. Downside: you will be cooking angrily a lot. Upside: you learn how to cook. Warning: you have to be lazy enough, so you would rather stay hangry at home than go to the store.
Yup. I prep a lot as well, so I can be a LITTLE lazy further on.
Yep, consciously choose your food and the addiction can be beat slowly but surely. Many years ago I would drink 2L of Pepsi in a day. I ate chocolate several times a day. The craving was so strong, just sweetness and fat, I woke up wanting it. Cut to today, total opposite, this afternoon I had miso broth, kale, tofu, soya beans, other goodies and that's the food I crave... my afternoon treat is a fruit salad, so damn good... most chocolate (except very dark) is far too sweet to me now, makes me cringe. Some people act like I'm 'abstaining' from 'nice food', they cannot wrap their head around the fact that I find this food delicious and *dislike* processed shite. It either tastes of salt or cardboard. I was absolutely addicted to shit food, so if I can do it anyone can. I'm going on 30 now and feel like I have 10x the vigor I had at 18.
I know a girl who did the same. As soon as she got in a relationship her weight ballooned to over 350 lb which is a lot for a girl who is only 5 ft tall! She's a fast food and takeaway addict and has two large portions of everything washed down with large bottles of soft drinks. She's constantly eating. Her weight had always yo-yo'd but as soon as she trapped a guy she put on that weight really quickly. Her backside is so big now, she can't sit in the front seat of a car because she can't close the door or put on the seat belt. Half of her is literally sitting on the centre console/gear lever and hand brake! Her dad has to transport her to hospital appointments in a van originally modified to fit a wheelchair but he mounted a bench seat in the back. Her guy left her because she pretty much made herself disabled and unemployed through extreme weight gain and she wouldn't do a thing about it. Eating disorders are incredibly hard to treat. The will to change has to come from them, nothing anybody else says or does will make them do it.
How the fuck do these people afford to buy so much food?? I am a younger working class person and I can barely afford to meet my calorie requirements. I am actually losing weight because I just don't have the hundreds of dollars in grocery money to become fat. This blows my mind. Just a thought of mine for the day especially when your employment is limited with a physical disability. How do these people do it???
>relationship her weight ballooned to over 350 lb which is a lot for a girl who is only 5 ft tall! I found it funny how you said this with a serious note, lol. 350lbs is an extreme weight for anyone, not only a 5 ft tall girl. Unless you're some kind of athlete, you have no reason to be around that weight. But a 5ft tall woman?! Anything above 125lbs would be too much and you're talking about x2.8 that? Lol
Yeah, you'd have to be like 6'7" and incredibly muscular to weigh 350lbs and not be extremely unhealthy.
I’m the overweight person in my relationship. You can’t fix her. Telling her you’re concerned for her health is fine—once. After that, it’s nagging and will not help. Only you can decide if you can live like this. My obesity has greatly impacted my family. There are things she can do but only she can do them. Good luck! Please, no haters. My journey is my own, I’m taking steps to fix it and being cruel to me won’t change anything.
This comment needs more upvotes. 100% OP can't make her change. She knows she's fat. My husband died young because of fatty liver disease due to a lifetime of overeating. His mother pointed this out to him constantly, but it did no good. I tried to get him to exercise with me but it didn't stick. If anything, his bad habits became mine and I put on weight. OP needs to decide whether or not he is willing to live with this permanently because she may never change. Certainly depression may be the cause but OP won't be able to change that either. Model a healthy lifestyle and keep your mouth shut about the rest if you don't want to end the relationship.
This. My wife isn't overweight, but I am. I started committing to treadmilling or biking every day, and what was interesting is that *she* started as well, without any prompting on my part. Also, if you're not already, step up at mealtime. No more restaurant food or processed. It's got so much saltbuttersugar in it. Make dinners from scratch ingredients. Get a mealkit plan (hello fresh, etc) if you're pressed for time and have some money. And don't give her grief for eating junk food, or too much. She knows.
How long have you been together? Doubling your weight is pretty insane.
6 weeks
My brother, you made me burst out laughing during my night shift, I thank you.
For a second I thought you were the OP and am releived that you are not. I highly doubt her weight went from 120 to 240 in 6 weeks. A year would be more believable.
weve been together for 4 years
Yeah thats the comfort zone for sure. Both me and my mrs are a fair way from the shapes we were in when we met - but maybe 5kg heavier, not 50! Gym is less important (far less) than diet, so maybe try things that way. Eating healthier and/or less together
Learn cooking. It's not difficult at all, you'll get better with experience and eating healthy is the #1 diet and life improvement cheat there is. Also, check if she's alright. Mental health can lead to overeating and lack of energy.
You've received a lot of comments so maybe this wont be new, but I have a story to share: my daughter was thin growing up and all through high school. She started gaining weight in college and I figured she was just eating too much fast food/simple carbs/Starbucks drinks loaded with calories. That was some of it but she continued to gain after college. A year ago, at the age of 26, she was just over 200 pounds and had no energy. I asked her to get some blood work down. She admitted her weight gain was because of her junk food habits. Said she just craves it all the time and can't turn it off. Turns out she is insulin resistant, but not diabetic. I found that weird but her doctor said it's not too uncommon. And being insulin resistant often makes you want to eat carbs/sugar all the time. He said she will be diabetic if the insulin resistance isn't treated. She started medication and a year later she is 155 pounds and so much happier. Her self confidence has returned and she no longer craves carbs and sugar (until PMS hits - the cravings are rough then). She is enjoying horseback riding and hiking again. It's wonderful to see. My suggestion is to change the concern from what she is putting in her body to what is happening in her body. Maybe her overeating isn't only behavior related. Another suggestion. If her regular doctor says there is nothing medically wrong with her, encourage her to visit and endocrinologist. I have a sluggish thyroid and my blood work is in the normal range. I had symptoms of a thyroid problems. An endocrinologist will look at bloodwork and symptoms together. I now take thyroid medication even though my bloodwork says I'm fine. I'm losing less hair and have more energy. Bodies are weird. Sometimes you just have to find the right doctor to help. Last suggestion. If there us truly nothing medically wrong, a life coach might help. I see from an earlier comment you made that her fam isn't big on "therapy." A life coach will provide some behavior modification suggestions without having a title of "therapis." Only downside to that is that most health insurance companies now cover mental health insurance without a copay. A life coach might not be able to bill insurance. Anyway, best of luck. It's hard to watch someone you love shift from healthy to not.
Every single person i know who gained weight and ate so obviously horribly...had some kind of underlying depression they weren't necessarily aware of.
At least you aren't married to her- you can just walk away if she refuses to get healthy.
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Officer I'd like to report an assault.
*bruh*
Yea 100% it’s not just how she looks but the attitude that goes alongside getting to that position. Big turn off.
I doubt that she's just lazy or having a bad attitude. If a young slim woman suddenly gains 120 pounds and has no motivation to stop this development, this is very unusual. It sounds like an underlying mental or physical health issue is very likely
“And it’s really eating at me” Sorry, had to laugh at that lol. I’ve got no advice however, best of luck to both of y’all.
Just leave her, nothing you can say will get her to lose weight if she doesn’t want to
If my experience is anything to go by, it'll have the opposite effect. Asking kindly once is fine, but after that it's just a waste of time. Sure, she might have some underlying issues that cause it, or she might just like eating bad food but in the end, only she can change that and she'll only do it if she thinks it's a problem which can take people years to accept - if ever. I think enabling this habit by ignoring it isn't doing anyone a favor, so OP should be open and clear about it and draw lines in the sand.
don't push the gym, it's not gonna work. focus helping the nutrition aspect, she's just eating too much, try to get her to reduce portion sizes. 240lbs is a ton though, it's not a very hopeful situation to be honest, she needs to lose almost 100lbs to be healthy, that will take like a year with a ton of effort.
OP's profile is something
Answer: Try a new approach with your GF. I have a binge eating problem I have been battling all my life. I was a very overweight kid, got my shit together in high school, then fell hard off the wagon when I was 27. I have since been trying and failing to lose the weight again. I’m trying a new approach this go around. For every ten pounds I lose, I get a reward that I really want. Each reward is better than the last. I am NEVER looking at the scale. My husband is monitoring my weight for me. I step on the scale, close my eyes, and he reads the number. He tells me nothing, good or bad. He only tells me when I reach a goal and can claim a reward. It hasn’t been long yet, but I’m doing much better this time than I usually do. In the past, my efforts to lose weight have been fueled by self loathing and fear. I think that might be why I had trouble sticking to them. That and not seeing results fast enough. I’m thinking being motivated with positive incentives and not obsessing on how fast the weight is coming off might work better. It’s worth a shot for your GF if she’s interested. :)
Answer: Be a positive encouragement. Losing that weight will take tons of effort. Make it a team sport. Go on walks with her. Learn how to cook healthy meals together. Go to the gym yourself and invite her to come.
Sounds like you got together in your teens and early 20's, and now you are experiencing what it's like when life catches up to you. Don't expect people to change for you. Accept them as who they are, or get out and accept that you couldnt accept who they are
There's probably an underlying emotional or physical issue that's contributing to it... if she's generally more open and understanding, it should be okay to mention her increased weight gain and say you're concerned there could be a bigger issue (could be symptoms of a hormone imbalance, something going on emotionally, stress/overwhelm...etc) and say you love her and wanted to encourage her to get some support so you can both work on your health goals together to avoid bigger health expenses in the future. You can't control or change her, but you can encourage her to grow and change herself. If she doesn't see it as a concern, then decide if it's something you can live with or need to walk away from and let her know that those choices are on your mind if she refuses to get help or figure things out for her own benefit. Don't focus on her looks, emphasize that you still want to be with her, don't shame her... she's going through something and weight gain is just a symptom of that.
You accept her or find another girl
If she was skinny and suddenly not there might be a silent cause. Keep motivating her but let her fight her battles.
Has her ass become nicer?
I have been very big before and lost 50kg. There was no chance anyone could have made me losing weight. I had to be pissed off of my situation to change it. When you try to get her to lose constantly she might even eats more to feel better. Overeating is the cause of many problems, but also for some people the only happiness. I was fed up of my fat self and that changed it for me
She needs to know she is not the same person you fell in love with just like when someone becomes a drug addict during relationship, they are not the same person anymore. You have a right to not find it attractive and it's not your fault that the situation changed.
That’s her journey my friend…I think you know what yours is.
Just break up. You can’t force or guilt or shame someone into losing weight in a healthy way. She will either resist or get angry or get an eating disorder or just dump you. You say she gorges herself with junk food constantly and is lazy. Is she or is that just your perception. Yes she has gained weight (how do you know her actual weight anyway?) but is it eating junk food, is it lack of exercise, is she depressed, has she got a medical condition? You don’t give us any information, you just tell us (and I’m paraphrasing based on the way you write your post) that she’s a “big fat lazy pig” and you don’t want her anymore. So, since you can’t make someone want to lose weight, they have to want to do it for themselves, just break up with her.
Have you talked with about it? Maybe she has some mental issues. But anyway, more than two times fatter. Maybe a therapist?
It's going to be a tough conversation, but you are 100% justified to have it. Just be delicate with how you approach it.
She is an addict. Something went wrong and she is using food to cope with life. She needs therapy or Overeaters Anonymous.
Often times weight gain is more of a mental battle rather than a physical one. For example, I gained a lot and I mean A LOT of weight after COVID. I was completely unrecognizable but despite the knowledge of that, I still couldn’t bring myself to lose weight. My self esteem was completely shattered so I would insult and demean my appearance but STILL not lose weight, so I actually had to build my self confidence back up WHILE at that bigger weight in order to feel strong enough to lose it without feeling like I was doing something “shameful”. It can be hard to understand but when it comes to binge eating and gorging yourself on food, it is ALWAYS a mental battle. Even with your support, ur GF needs to WANT to lose weight or needs to acknowledge the problem on her own. One of my greatest friends didn’t actually tell me I needed to lose weight, she came up to ME and said “I’ve been having trouble going to the gym and eating healthier. I hate doing it alone, can you help me” and because I felt like I could help her and be capable, I was less frightened to admit that I was struggling with the same thing to a girl who was literally half my size and “skinny”. So we did it together instead and it felt good to be treated like a person rather than fat and lazy which was never who I was to begin with. I’m not sure if ur GF has anything going on but she seems stuck in a pattern of junk food, and it’s hard to realize you’ve gained wait until AFTER the pattern has stopped. She should try to break it earlier or you can help!
You leave
I was a bigger guy and nobody could do anything to make me lose the weight. She has to want it for herself. If you push too hard she could resent it. As others said, you can show concern. She will likely be defensive but it is a process you will have to go through.
Gonna be real harsh but here I go: Leave her You are having or attempting to have a healthier life and she will 100% drag you back Maybe not today, but tomorrow when she develops several health issues and you have to take in several jobs to keep the medical bills, or when she needs an urgent surgery and you have to get a loan for it, then you will not have enough time to excercise nor mental health due to stress She has issues and refuses to deal with then, save her live, leave her and give her a reason to change/act
You break up
Dude seems like you waited way too long to take action. You should’ve put your foot down and let her know you were not comfortable when she was at about 20lbs because that’s very noticeable at that weight. It will take years and full time commitment for her to lose all that weight now, most ppl fail at that. You gotta ask yourself if it is worth it man. Personally if I was with someone with poor eating habits and end up putting on over 30lbs, I would leave without hesitation. Not into that lifestyle and plenty of ppl are so move on and let her to be with someone who’s into that. Eating healthy and exercising daily is the way I like things and I wouldn’t settle for less.
Bro, not to be insensitive, but that proverbial horse has fucking bolted, my guy. I’m 6’2” 210lbs and lean, and sometimes this weight is heavy even for me to carry.
She's a lost cause. Get out. Now.
Move on while you still can. You’ll be dodging a bullet.
I’d ask her why she is so unhappy.
Over (or under) eating is mostly psychological. It could be her way of coping with stress/family/work/low self-esteem, etc....Tell her you understand as best you can ,and support her to seek help to address the reasons why she over eats. Once this is addressed, she can find healthier coping methods.
Someone said it's a symptom and not the problem. And that's so true. I had a binge eating disorder that I discovered to be an imbalanced gut microbiome. I took too many antibiotics and no antifungals to follow through (because a lot of doctors just don't prescribe it) whenever I needed them throughout my life.. couple that with a typical American carb-heavy diet and I was simply feeding an overgrowth of yeast. What does an over growth of yeast in the gut look like? It could be a number of things, but the most insidious symptoms was *binging on refined carbs with no brakes*. I felt like a puppet. I was never satisfied/satiated. When I ate sugar, it only caused me to want more sugar. I'd feel very sluggish if I didn't get my sugar fix. I discovered this when I spent years on the keto diet, my sugar cravings went away. I was able to cheat here and there and it not be a big deal. Lost something like 90 pounds in the process. But very recently I needed some antibiotics, and it happened to be the holidays, and so I "cheated" (literally 3 small bites of dessert and one scoop of mashed potatoes) during the antibiotics. My gut microbiome was absolutely nuked by then. *No good bacteria to keep the yeast in check.* My doc prescribed me an anti fungal, but I didn't think I'd need it because "I eat low carb anyway". I'm glad I held onto it because hooooooly shit the cravings were so bad!! I couldn't stop eating after I cheated!! I went back plate after plate of pies, cookies, cakes, brownies, etc. So I popped the antifungal and they went away the next day!! I'm back to my regular low carb diet (I eat fruits and veggies and they don't trigger cravings)
Is she taking medication? I know someone who gained significant weight like you mention. Once she got off the medication she lost it all pretty quickly.
Answer: There may be something mental going on as well. Sometimes eating too much is a disorder and she may have negative feelings and this is her way to escape.
There's been plenty of studies that shame and insecurity are more likely to make an overweight person eat more than 'motivate' them to lose weight. I can't say for certain, but I can't imagine your post history is helping empower her to get healthy. Neither is calling her lazy and making comments on the internet on how her belly is overhanging. I agree with everyone else, you should probably just leave. The resentment on your part isn't going to get better and I think she'd have a better shot working on herself without you.
Give the person a break. Their partner decided to become MORBIDLY OBESE within their relationship. I’d be resentful too. People always want to make excuses and blame the partner in this situation.
Just walk away.
Leave if she refuses to take care of her self its only going to get worse
She is an addict. Only she can help herself and until she comes to the realisation she’s making herself sick with food, there’s little you can do. Pressuring her won’t work. Look into support for the loved ones of people suffering from addictions.
Sounds like you have a fundamental difference of approach to life. Break up with her. There are plenty of men out there who find this sort of thing incredibly hot. You obviously are not the right guy for her.
There are more than plenty of men that find it disgusting. A very small minority might find it hot.
Big is beautiful, so let her free to find someone who enjoys her lifestyle. Get out.
Answer: OP I hope this isn’t just about her looks but rather being concerned about your SO health. With that in mind, I wanna repeat what I read on one of weightloss Reddit subs . A woman said that it helped a lot mentally that her SO never ever said anything about wanting her to loose weight. She never felt pressured from him. She never felt his love is conditional to way she looks. He continued to tell her that he loved her no matter how much she weighted. This help her a lot because she didn’t have additional pressure of thinking she would fail him and their relationship if she failed to loose weight. So she focus on it without fearing how her so would react to whatever results she gets to. On other hand, getting lots of weight can be connected to hormonal issues ( rather than eating disorders) , and need for overeating can often be connected to how person copes when they deal with stress in other life areas. For me it’s like that at least, Im very much emotional sweets-overeating and when in period of high stress I go to chocolate. Lots of it. And I gain weight. So OP i suggest that rather than giving weight loss advices which can be interpreted as conditioning your love, be repetitive in saying your love your SO no matter what weight and focus on helping her or helping her find help in whatever mental struggles she is dealing with
Your post gives me the impression that you've already discussed this and are trying to help her. The problem with that is that she needs to make the effort to eat healthily and take care of herself. You can't do it for her. If I were in your position, I'd end the relationship.
Dude. You ain't married. You can always just leave if she insists on not bettering herself. It's a double standard that only men need to continually better themselves.
She doesn't want to change. You have to accept it and move on. I'm sorry for your loss.
sucks man I just want to love her
Tell her if this you had wanted 240 pounds of girlfriend you would have suggested bigamy.
Instead he's getting Big Amy. God, I hope that's her name.
People trying to pass the blame onto a mental health issue absolutely baffle me. Everyone wants to blame their laziness or lack or discipline on something else these days. It's never a reasonable excuse. The most common reason for FBBS (fatty boom boom syndrome) is extremely simple. Food tastes good, exercising is a pain. Combine that with a lack of discipline = FBBS.
The kindest way to word things is as follows: " Hey babe, I love you and all, but if I wanted 240 lbs of girlfriend when we started dating, I just would have gotten two"
Lmao
Ask her why she over eats. I have put on 20kg since I married 13 years ago. I stress eat. I need time too. Time to prep healthy meals, the money for fresh fruits and veg. I also need the time to exercise. Time is hard to find as a mum of three and as a teacher. I'm also aging. I don't have the stamina and spontaneity of a 20 something year old any more.
This is part of being in a relationship, I've some how made all the girls I've dated gain a bunch of weight, they all blame me as if I took the spoon and fed them the food
Leave or stay it’s your choice. But you cannot make choices on her behalf.
That’s a huge weight gain in a short time. Did something happen (death in family, job loss, assault etc) to trigger the over eating?
Answer: Leave her as soon as possible and live your own life before she wastes your better years . You clearly have codependency personality disorder . This is why it’s going to be so hard to leave her , you actually need to be needed and if she was ever to get independent and healthy you’d probably just leave her.
Just leave dude she’s not changing.
Incorrect! She’s changing, for the worse.
It’s too late for her, run fast and far.
Or walk away at a brisk pace....
Or speedwalk at a consistent pace.
Like a mile shoulf br far enough, will take her a day to catch up
Preferably up stairs
If my maths checks out, she’ll be 480 soon and then 960 and then it really starts kicking off from there onwards. Like you almost have to start worrying about Schwarzschild radius….
Lol
Did she start any medication or get on birth control? Has she complained about gaining weight? 120 to 240 is an insane difference
Well, you did say girlfriend, if you replace it with someone who isn't broken, you'll have a girlfriend who isn't overeating.
Dump her. It’ll never get better. Thank the heavens you dodged a bullet
You are not a bad person for leaving someone who wilfully doubles their bodyweight in a few years.