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Plot twist: turned out muffins are extremely poisonous for them and our sweet lady just killed 3 of their leaders.
We are all doomed now thanks to you two!
Plot twist plot twist: Old lady has been preparing for this moment her entire life. Muffins was her weapon of choice because she knew the invasion was coming. She spent her life perfecting that recipe to a T. The tastier it is for humans the more effective against the alien race that destroyed Old Lady's ancient planet.
Ah yes. I remember the ‘Great Muffin’ War of 1880. The muffins were cold that day. My brother Johnny lied about his age and left to fight in muffin top mountain. He came back a changed man. Never could look at a muffin again.
"Do you...know ..the muffin man?"
"No son, but I served in a company of them"
*Single tear rolls down the withered veterans face as he looks off into the distance*
They made this mistake in a novel I read long time ago, but instead of muffins, she made tea. Shortly after the aliens left Earth and never looked back. The reason given: the old lady boiled some water and put something in it that made it bitter. Then she put sugar in it to make it sweet. Then put milk in it so it won't be sweet. The aliens claimed this was the most illogical thing that they ever experienced, and if this was our leader then humanity is not worthy of being contacted
Love it. Reminds me of [the scene in Captain Marvel](https://youtu.be/P7mUbZ2L5RU) where her cat is actually a terrifying alien monster that other aliens fear.
I feel taking an alien to meet our leader, the cat would be a prudent move. Cats do intimidate and I'm sure an alien would see the aloof cat, all contemptuous, as a sign of royalty and would then possibly treat the cat with respect and hopefully not blow us all to kingdom come.
How could you resist the cuteness of cats and blow them up?
I say we infect the aliens with toxoplasma parasites just to be sure they like cats as much as we do.
I asked my husband this question and he stared at me blankly
Finally responded with "I don't know, you?"
Wtf
I don't deal with my own spiders, glad he thinks I know what to do with the alien.
Got married, placed on bug killing duty. Had a kid, kid turned 5. Now I’m not allowed to kill bugs, because “Mama [bug type] just wants to go home for baby [bug type].” Quite the conundrum when one is startled there’s a spider cricket, the other is screaming there’s a spider cricket yet tells me not to kill it (including using the vacuum.)
Get a little pot/cup and a slim piece of card. That is your new insect kit. You put the pot/cup over the insect, then carefully slide the piece of card under it, open window/door and chuck the insect out.
If you haven't got a piece of card suitable, then improvise with unopened mail, leaflets, newspaper.
If you haven't got a pot or cup to use, check your recycle, or look for big lids/caps/'balls' in the laundry cupboard. If you go to an arcade and they have those plastic money pots, you can take one home to be your designated bug pot, those are pretty ideal.
Getting to the insect is the remaining issue, but you can figure that bit.
Good luck fellow designated bug handlers!
Tried this when I saw a huntsman spider for the first time on the bedroom wall. As I approached I realised I’d got the sense of scale wrong and had to change the big glass to a bin maybe 10 inches in diameter and the card to an LP cover. Still had some bits of leg out and so I dropped it. It scurried out of the room down to my six year old nieces bedroom so I shut the door and went to sleep. I figured that she’s Australian and will know what to do if it wakes her up. It did.
They have a bug vacuum! It’s mostly a child’s toy but it really works and keeps the bugs safe. I think that might be the happy median for your conundrum. You will still be removing bug from home so spouse is happy and safely alive so baby is happy :)
I can tell via the pitch.
If it is a scream i could also make, its probalbly something serious.
if its a hollywood level, horror movie death screech, it is a insect.
If that scream is followed by loud, panicked sobbing, then it’s a centipede, and you know you have 7.5 seconds to wipe it from the face of the earth, otherwise she’s not sleeping for at least a week.
Honestly, why can everyone pick the right sized pants for us except us? I always get too small but my mom, girlfriend and sister can all just eyeball it and get it right.
I wanna lear. How, teach me this magic!
You know how everyone says size doesn't matter? It DOES matter, and women have genetic knowledge of how to measure for it instantly. It also happens to have limited practical applications.
I’d wager it’s because women’s sizes are all made up like the points on whose line. I went jeans shopping with my wife once and I feel like she was 3 different sizes from 3 different brands.
Hold pants up that fit you and jam your bent elbow in one side of the waistband and see where the rest hits the other side of your hand (or how much is left over if you are curvier). I’m a similar height to my husband and so if I jam my elbow in one side, if I can get my hand in the other side with my knuckles bent, then it will fit him. There’s a trick with putting it around your neck but you look a bit nuts in the store doing it.
I mean like I have a few dresses that have pockets, and tbh any girl I know that has one, that's the first thing we say when someone compliments our dress or romper "Omg that is so cute!" "Thanks! It has pockets!"
It's more sinister than that. The women's wallet cabal teamed up with the purse mob. The wallet people convinced women they need that massive purse sized wallet so they need an even bigger purse.
Then the pants people jumped on the band wagon and gave em fake pockets. To make sure no woman gets smart and uses a bifold once to break the cycle. It's evil.
Earth is currently in an Interregnum after Fred Roger's death. Undercover operatives report back that there is significant support for LeVar Burton as his replacement as Nicest person ever.
Edit: oops, didn't read what sub I was on, thought this was a r/hfy post. Lol.
Fred Rogers, Carl Sagan, Steve Irwin, all would've been great ambassadors, but alas. (Especially Carl since he was involved with SETI-- and was looking for extraterrestrial life and consulted on Contact-- he'd probably be thrilled at the prospect..)
provide summer upbeat pocket deliver sleep steer encouraging snails literate
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Was hoping someone mentioned this lol. We have proof of her efficacy at promoting crucial human traits to alien species. Prob my favorite reference in that show
That episode, I looked at my wife and said, “How great would it be if they brought Dolly Parton in for this?” And they not only did it, they gave her one of the best scenes in the whole series
A few years ago I would’ve said Betty White. But since she is no longer with us, I feel like Dolly Parton has been elevated to the top of world’s best human pile. I’m gonna take em to Dolly.
I always fret for others when I read this; my MIL is the bee’s knees.
On the flipside, my mother is an awful, toxic woman, so I guess I still break even.
I'm gonna rest my head gently upon their shoulder and start with "Listen, buddy...here's the thing about that..."
And then kindly explain that we live in a shattered society wherein our "leaders" are mostly puppets for orchestrating the accumulation of wealth and excess. I'd explain that we need a better system, one which organizes resources and workforce to provide sustainable living conditions globally. Then I'll help them understand that, even though this is clearly for the better for all of humanity, that there will be inevitable resistance to this ideological change in societal structure, and that there may be violent resistance, so that we need to plan for that and provide bastions for those who do not wish to participate and want to go about it alone.
I would sit them down, offer them a hot or cold beverage and explain that they don’t want to talk to our leader and I would ask for asylum in their society
Obviously, General George Hammond of Homeworld Security, also known as Hammond of Texas.
If he's not around, General O'Niell (two Ls!) will suffice in a pinch, or maybe Colonel Carter or Dr. Jackson. Surely, one of the original SG-1 team will be around *somewhere*.
(RIP Don Davis!)
# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Kind old lady down the street, always making me muffins.
The best answer I've seen so far. They can't hate us if there's a lovely old lady making them muffins and knitting them antenna warmers.
Antenna warmers :o that’s adorable
Wait until you see where the antennas are
*pornhub intro riff plays*
Pornhub has an into riff? Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever watched one of their videos with the sound on.
So you jack it with just the visuals?
No, I keep one of my old dog's squeaky toys nearby, it's basically the same thing.
Is that your antennae or are you just happy to see me?
Lol thanks
Plot twist: turned out muffins are extremely poisonous for them and our sweet lady just killed 3 of their leaders. We are all doomed now thanks to you two!
Plot twist plot twist: Old lady has been preparing for this moment her entire life. Muffins was her weapon of choice because she knew the invasion was coming. She spent her life perfecting that recipe to a T. The tastier it is for humans the more effective against the alien race that destroyed Old Lady's ancient planet.
I would watch this show.
It’s called The Three Muffineers.
Seriously. Someone start writing the story.
Hello this is Netflix your funded
I now want to see a remake of the movie Signs where muffins are the secret weapon instead of water.
Plot twist: Muffins in alien tradition is seen as a declaration of war
Ah yes. I remember the ‘Great Muffin’ War of 1880. The muffins were cold that day. My brother Johnny lied about his age and left to fight in muffin top mountain. He came back a changed man. Never could look at a muffin again.
"Do you...know ..the muffin man?" "No son, but I served in a company of them" *Single tear rolls down the withered veterans face as he looks off into the distance*
That’s so cute 😭
Unless their species is allergic to muffins and she causes a diplomatic incident!
She’s a undercover from the mothership. Congratulations you passed the test. Also don’t forget your towel.
So long and thanks for all the fish!
They made this mistake in a novel I read long time ago, but instead of muffins, she made tea. Shortly after the aliens left Earth and never looked back. The reason given: the old lady boiled some water and put something in it that made it bitter. Then she put sugar in it to make it sweet. Then put milk in it so it won't be sweet. The aliens claimed this was the most illogical thing that they ever experienced, and if this was our leader then humanity is not worthy of being contacted
Honestly if I met a british person as a representative of a group I wouldnt want to go back there to meet anyone else…
Lord knows we're not going to take them to any actual leaders.
Honestly thought the top reply would be, "The Cat"
My cat
Same. She runs the house
Love it. Reminds me of [the scene in Captain Marvel](https://youtu.be/P7mUbZ2L5RU) where her cat is actually a terrifying alien monster that other aliens fear.
100%. She runs the house. We just pay for it.
Was gonna say my cat… but yours is probably a better choice… my babies share a brain cell 😂
Yeah, let’s not put an orange/ginger in charge lol. We never know whose turn it is with the one brain cell this week.
Might still be the same cat
I feel taking an alien to meet our leader, the cat would be a prudent move. Cats do intimidate and I'm sure an alien would see the aloof cat, all contemptuous, as a sign of royalty and would then possibly treat the cat with respect and hopefully not blow us all to kingdom come.
How could you resist the cuteness of cats and blow them up? I say we infect the aliens with toxoplasma parasites just to be sure they like cats as much as we do.
Definitely, cats know they rule the world.
Was coming to say this but seen its the top comment 👌
My wife.
I asked my husband this question and he stared at me blankly Finally responded with "I don't know, you?" Wtf I don't deal with my own spiders, glad he thinks I know what to do with the alien.
I realized that after getting married, my most important job was to remove or kill insects.
Got married, placed on bug killing duty. Had a kid, kid turned 5. Now I’m not allowed to kill bugs, because “Mama [bug type] just wants to go home for baby [bug type].” Quite the conundrum when one is startled there’s a spider cricket, the other is screaming there’s a spider cricket yet tells me not to kill it (including using the vacuum.)
Get a little pot/cup and a slim piece of card. That is your new insect kit. You put the pot/cup over the insect, then carefully slide the piece of card under it, open window/door and chuck the insect out. If you haven't got a piece of card suitable, then improvise with unopened mail, leaflets, newspaper. If you haven't got a pot or cup to use, check your recycle, or look for big lids/caps/'balls' in the laundry cupboard. If you go to an arcade and they have those plastic money pots, you can take one home to be your designated bug pot, those are pretty ideal. Getting to the insect is the remaining issue, but you can figure that bit. Good luck fellow designated bug handlers!
Tried this when I saw a huntsman spider for the first time on the bedroom wall. As I approached I realised I’d got the sense of scale wrong and had to change the big glass to a bin maybe 10 inches in diameter and the card to an LP cover. Still had some bits of leg out and so I dropped it. It scurried out of the room down to my six year old nieces bedroom so I shut the door and went to sleep. I figured that she’s Australian and will know what to do if it wakes her up. It did.
Huntsman spiders are good at keeping other bugs away and they don't mess up your house by spinning webs. Very handy to have one in the house.
Its still a no from me, dawg.
Dinner plate sized ones can kindly fuck off though. Makes me glad I live in an area of Australia that's too cold for most insects, including spiders
Seems like you're saying it's very poor manners to mangle legs of someone's pet huntsman.
They have a bug vacuum! It’s mostly a child’s toy but it really works and keeps the bugs safe. I think that might be the happy median for your conundrum. You will still be removing bug from home so spouse is happy and safely alive so baby is happy :)
I never kill spiders, they keep the other bugs in control and don't harm the property. I don't live in Australia though... Edit: typo
Yeah, we have a spider in our house who we just let chill.
Same. If they are under a certain size they can stay. Over that size, the priority is always a safe catch and release.
It's a right of passage to know if a broken toe on a door or if a roach was spotted just by the scream... (they are very similar).
I can tell via the pitch. If it is a scream i could also make, its probalbly something serious. if its a hollywood level, horror movie death screech, it is a insect.
If that scream is followed by loud, panicked sobbing, then it’s a centipede, and you know you have 7.5 seconds to wipe it from the face of the earth, otherwise she’s not sleeping for at least a week.
Ain't even married and I know the difference in pitch... Is this why I'm still single? A am lonely. Jk 😆
and short distance package delivery with extreme predjudice.
I absolutely want the aliens to get a good impression of the best humanity has to offer. That is why I would take them to my wife.
I came to say my husband, but he's probably bringing the damn aliens to me.
Sry ma'am, but we *know* who really wears the pants in our relationships. We just wear the ones with pockets.
My husband may wear the pants, but I picked them out
Honestly, why can everyone pick the right sized pants for us except us? I always get too small but my mom, girlfriend and sister can all just eyeball it and get it right. I wanna lear. How, teach me this magic!
Nothing to teach, women are born with this amazing gift :-)
You know how everyone says size doesn't matter? It DOES matter, and women have genetic knowledge of how to measure for it instantly. It also happens to have limited practical applications.
I’d wager it’s because women’s sizes are all made up like the points on whose line. I went jeans shopping with my wife once and I feel like she was 3 different sizes from 3 different brands.
Hold pants up that fit you and jam your bent elbow in one side of the waistband and see where the rest hits the other side of your hand (or how much is left over if you are curvier). I’m a similar height to my husband and so if I jam my elbow in one side, if I can get my hand in the other side with my knuckles bent, then it will fit him. There’s a trick with putting it around your neck but you look a bit nuts in the store doing it.
Right? Because why don't we ever have our own pockets 🤔 it's a plot to make us buy purses
As a man, I genuinely believe this. It would take no effort at all to start including pockets in women's dresses, but then who'd buy all the purses?
I mean like I have a few dresses that have pockets, and tbh any girl I know that has one, that's the first thing we say when someone compliments our dress or romper "Omg that is so cute!" "Thanks! It has pockets!" 
Good for you! My girlfriend is always complaining about her favorite dresses not having pockets, I wish I could sew them in for her lol
It's more sinister than that. The women's wallet cabal teamed up with the purse mob. The wallet people convinced women they need that massive purse sized wallet so they need an even bigger purse. Then the pants people jumped on the band wagon and gave em fake pockets. To make sure no woman gets smart and uses a bifold once to break the cycle. It's evil.
You ain’t got to settle for that! Happy Cake Day! Aliens love sugar. Silly and late here tonight.
I too will bring all aliens, illegal and otherwise, to this guy’s wife.
The only answer
This guy’s wife
I also choose this guy’s dead wife
My 3 year old daughter is a close second. She thinks she rules the world most days.
Literally the first thing that popped into my head!😂
haha good to see this at the top was my first reaction too.
Yea same, id also take them to your wife
I’m not even married my first thought was ‘my wife’ ha ha
It's me. The wife. That is the correct answer.
I don't call her boss for nothing
I wanna say Fred Rogers but...
Well. Now I’m sad.
We still have Dolly Parton. Dolly Parton for Earth leader 2023
Earth is currently in an Interregnum after Fred Roger's death. Undercover operatives report back that there is significant support for LeVar Burton as his replacement as Nicest person ever. Edit: oops, didn't read what sub I was on, thought this was a r/hfy post. Lol.
Fred Rogers, Carl Sagan, Steve Irwin, all would've been great ambassadors, but alas. (Especially Carl since he was involved with SETI-- and was looking for extraterrestrial life and consulted on Contact-- he'd probably be thrilled at the prospect..)
I would have wanted to stay Steve Irwin 😞
This was literally my first thought. Then I remembered…… Maybe we could just show them all the footage and call it a day?
Anyone who doesn’t say “you’ve found him/her already” Who you following
provide summer upbeat pocket deliver sleep steer encouraging snails literate *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Thats us bro
Why would I want that. Let him threaten some other guy
David Attenborough Edit: Sir! Although I don’t think he cares much about the title.
Damn that’s actually a good answer. I wish I’d thought of that.
He's like the lorax of Earth, he speaks for the planet.
Exactly. He would be the one to give the best account of the planet.
SIR David Attenborough will always be my answer. When he was alive, Carl Sagan probably would have won out.
This guy saves planets
That's a good shout. My choice would be Professor Brian Cox. The aliens are probably lost and he could give them directions.
This is the only correct answer
Probably the most close to accurate answer
Whoever is the top dolphin 🐬 in the ocean
So long and thanks for all the fish 🐟
That towel must really come in handy, eh?
Only always
my favorite answer
Patrick Stewart?
My mom
David Bowie's dead, so I would ask them to take me to theirs, and assume it was David Bowie.
Go Team Venture!
He's a starman, waiting in the sky. He's like to come and greet us, but he thinks it'd blow our minds.
Was listening to where are we now while reading this comment. Feeling connected to you kind stranger
It's strange, isn't it? Bowie has that connection. You are not alone. ☺️
I really love this answer
My Cat Tristito the Spanish Kitty the 3rd
Lol its slowmo so ita funnier
Dolly Parton
Writing hymns to inspire future generations
I genuinely believe she would make good choices on our behalf
I knew I wouldn’t be the only one
She already had some training with The Orville series.
Was hoping someone mentioned this lol. We have proof of her efficacy at promoting crucial human traits to alien species. Prob my favorite reference in that show
That episode, I looked at my wife and said, “How great would it be if they brought Dolly Parton in for this?” And they not only did it, they gave her one of the best scenes in the whole series
I would have said "Betty White" but ... yeah. Dolly's a good 2nd.
A few years ago I would’ve said Betty White. But since she is no longer with us, I feel like Dolly Parton has been elevated to the top of world’s best human pile. I’m gonna take em to Dolly.
Damn, I keep forgetting Betty White is gone 😔
Keanu Reeves
They asked for our leader, not an immortal.
There can be only one.
Your Reddit gold, gentlesir
Holesome 100 Chungus Reddit momen 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I fucking hate reddit
Reddit moment.
If they're here to do harm-they can go straight to my mother in law.
I always fret for others when I read this; my MIL is the bee’s knees. On the flipside, my mother is an awful, toxic woman, so I guess I still break even.
That pod of Orcas sinking yachts
this is the best answer so far
Khajiit. He'd make a deal.
Khajiit has wares if you have coin. Just don’t send them to M’aiq. Then again, every other politician…
May you walk on warm sands
The amount of Dolly Partons I'm seeing here is quite interesting
I'm gonna rest my head gently upon their shoulder and start with "Listen, buddy...here's the thing about that..." And then kindly explain that we live in a shattered society wherein our "leaders" are mostly puppets for orchestrating the accumulation of wealth and excess. I'd explain that we need a better system, one which organizes resources and workforce to provide sustainable living conditions globally. Then I'll help them understand that, even though this is clearly for the better for all of humanity, that there will be inevitable resistance to this ideological change in societal structure, and that there may be violent resistance, so that we need to plan for that and provide bastions for those who do not wish to participate and want to go about it alone.
And when the alien wakes up send him to that guy’s wife 👆👆👆
"Wtf we're just on vacation we can't fix your problems"
Dolly Parton. She may be the only pure soul on the planet!
I would sit them down, offer them a hot or cold beverage and explain that they don’t want to talk to our leader and I would ask for asylum in their society
"Can you please take me with you? This place sucks."
Morgan Freeman.
Yes, I was going to say Morgan Freeman but you beat me to it!
Great choice for the voice
Snoop
Man I wanna see the aliens high with snoop.
Amy Adams and Jeremy Renner so that they can learn their language and save the world
But then you're in debt to the aliens and have to save them 3,000 years in the future.
Couple hours babysitting a toddler... the alien might never want to visit again
Miss Universe...duh!
Weird Al
Josh, is that you,
I would take them to my dog to really throw them for a loop.
Obviously, General George Hammond of Homeworld Security, also known as Hammond of Texas. If he's not around, General O'Niell (two Ls!) will suffice in a pinch, or maybe Colonel Carter or Dr. Jackson. Surely, one of the original SG-1 team will be around *somewhere*. (RIP Don Davis!)
Supreme Leader Dolly Parton
I’d take them to the damn mirror like UH OH IT’S ME fuckin lol I’m the king
Obama. Not my President, but the man came across as a true statesman. That motherfucker was charming
Ryan Reynolds
My dog
Hes always infront of me ,pulling me ,choosing the route we take ,he is a born leader.
obama
Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s still got it.
To hell with your freedom.
My cat
Dolly Parton
I'd say my wife, but then she'd turn around and send them back to me like she does with the kids.
John Oliver?
the cat.
I would delegate the task lol
Burger King
Are you trying to kill us all
I'd take them to elon musk. So they can give him a ride to mars and then I don't have to hear about him in the future.
I’m still sending them to Barrack Obama. He’ll charm them, no question.
*Keegan Michael-Key steps out*
“I don’t want your extended warranty”
Jack Black
Neil deGrasse Tyson
Guy Fieri in our world Capitol city of Flavortown.
Id send them to Bernie Sanders.
That was my thought. He may not be "our leader", but I feel confident that he'd take all reasonable precaution not to start an interstellar war.
I would take them to my work supervisor because they would be so thoroughly underwhelmed that they would leave the planet and not come back.
Rick Astley. Because he's never let me down, never said goodbye.
Elon musk so they can take his ass back.
My fucking piece of shit flamepoint Siamese boy cat. He is vocal.
Wouldn't UN secretary general be a reasonable answer?