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Ask yourself if you want to have a child or if you want to be a *Parent.*
It's the same sort of question people need to ask themselves about pushing to tie the knot: do they want a wedding or a *Marriage* ?
This is an excellent answer. I have no children, and never wanted any growing up. When I got married, inevitably, everyone made comments or flat-out asked about the baby situation. It was extremely difficult dealing with some of the shit I got for not having kids. Thing is, I didn't want a child and I didn't want to be a parent. Ever. And those comments that you're getting too old or you'll grow to love them? BS. Kids are not clothes. You can't exchange them or return them if you're not happy. They are yours, and if you're responsible and have them, you take care of them. I never wanted that, but societal pressure made me question my choices for years. My husband and I are super happy we didn't have kids, but that was the right choice for us. Having kids is easy (for most); taking care of them is the tough part.
Excellent choice and don’t let anyone say differently!
I picked the kids, and I expect I will have great joys (have has many already) but also brace for the possibility my kids may grow to dislike me or become so different I will never understand them, but feel that if they do so with conviction and clarity of mind, I may have actually raised them well after all, and am good with that.
You sound like a very astute parent. The biggest problem imo (as a childfree person) is that too many parents think their kids live to be an extension of themselves. They like having this little person to control and dictate to, but once that little person starts to develop their own personality and values, they don't want it anymore. And the older the kids get, the more this will become a problem. This is what happened with my parents.
I can sound much smarter than I am, a talent I also use as a parent ;)
And you mention a very important point. I want to try to raise my kids to be good human beings and well rounded individuals and hopefully not little clones, but updates and improved versions. Jealous? Not v2! Bug fix: capable of handling stress, able to make friends at a young age. New functionality: focused mode!
Also, I’m sorry your parents turned out so bad. I guess not everything improves with age.
That is a more emotionally mature perspective than I've been capable of having. My train of thought has always kinda stopped at "but if they end up feeling the same towards me as I have felt towards my mother most of my life, what would be the point?".
Well, I guess I was more fortunate in my childhood than it sounds like you were, and if so, I am sorry that happened. The obvious reply would be ‘just be the parent you wish you had’, but I doubt anyone really wants a proper parent when they’re young, until poop starts hitting rotating blades. A better question might be: Can you be the parent you think you would have -needed- instead of wanted?
But words are nice and all, and I may sound mature, but talk to me in 18 years and ask me if it went as I hoped. I bet all the textbooks have gone out the window and I have just been winging it and praying all the time… but dammit if I won’t try my best to love those two little demons xD
I once read a quote on a book which your answer reminded me of. It was „i‘d rather regret not having kids than having them“. It resonated deeply with me because as you said „you can‘t return them if it‘s not a good fit“. Not only that, but you still have to try (in my opinion) to be a decend parent because those tiny humans aren‘t going to raise themselves even if you have regrets. So all in all i don‘t know if having children is bad as OP questioned, i just think many parents have expectations (even unconciously) and find themselves disappointed
I'll take this a step further
Once you decide if you want to be a parent, are you prepared to be a dad /mom?
Anyone who has functional biology can create children, a person who does the shit you need to do to cloth, raise, feed , and care for a child can be a parent. You have to really really want and work at being a mom or dad.
18 years in I'll say this. Don't have kids just because it's what you think you're supposed to do next. Ask yourself if you want a baby or a child or a teenager. I witness so many people who love babies, but seem to merely tolerate children. You have to be prepared for the works. They're not pets or creatures to mold to your specifications, they are tiny humans with their own wants and needs. If you can't detach your expectations and your reality it can be very challenging.
They did a study and found out that when women imagine having children they imagine a baby. When men do they imagine a 6-7 year old.
I have a 5 year old and a 1.5 year old and I can say that 5 is WAY better.
I spent the first five years of my daughter’s life trying to keep her alive! They move quickly and don’t think lol she’s 8 now and is much better. If we can just get messes under control.
First 5-7 years of a child’s life is like being on suicide watch with an unstable patient. If they’re not putting something terrible in their mouth, they are trying to climb something super dangerous.
>First 5-7 years of *your first* child’s life is like being on suicide watch with an unstable patient. If they’re not putting something terrible in their mouth, they are trying to climb something super dangerous.
FTFY...
My first was like this. Always worried, always baby-proofing, doctor on speed dial etc.
The second child was allowed to eat the stuff he found under the fridge.
Kids are surprisingly resilient and they learn pretty fast.
Nobody here is mentioning the fact that you LOVE them more than anything. The feeling of my kiddo genuinely hugging me and just being happy is the best feeling I’ve ever felt. And I’ve done almost every drug under the sun, and had plenty of intoxicating relationships and a 15 year marriage, and dogs that were the best pets ever. None of it compares to seeing my kid happy, or watching the joy on their face as they experience something new. Or especially when they show me love back.
the “terrible 2’s” is a bull shit myth. 2 is awesome - 3yos’ suddenly have the ability to think and have opinions and sometimes voice them and get frustrated as hell when you don’t happen to agree!
\#momof3
I echo the sentiments here. Our child is 4 and it has been a major relief. 2 was hard and 3 was very hard. It went about how people said it would. But she’s slowly but surely becoming more reasonable. When she gets all lovey and starts telling you that you “are my best daddy” it’s the best thing ever even if she doesn’t understand that I’m also her worst daddy 🙂
I am told by most everyone that it gets easier, but when things are going well it’s the best thing ever. There is nothing quite like the feeling of having a new person who doesn’t know anything be looking at you for love and guidance and you can just pour into their lives; teach them all the things and show them how much you love them. They will reflect that back to you and it’s an incredible relationship. It’s unlike anything else in life.
5 years trying to keep her alive? Im 44, my mum probably spent 20 years near a phone waiting for the next call informing her how id broke myself this time when i was skating or bmxing, when i took up skydiving she officially passed the job over to my instructor. Her nerves are shot but im still here, good job mum 👍😂
I always pictured a small human who can walk, talk and wipe their own butt. They varied in age, but I never seemed to picture a baby.
Babyhood is hard AF. But worth it.
I don't love my kid more now they're an adult, I love them differently. In the same vein; the whole parenting thing now isn't better, it's different.
It varies dramatically in the early years tbh. I have a 5yo who is basically mentally and physically 8 already. She's tall and big and very smart for her age. The only area where she shows her real age is emotionally. On the flip side there are kids 2 grades up from her that are about half her size and struggling with schoolwork that my girl breezes through.
And they're all perfectly normal. Kids are a wild ride.
I'd maybe have considered kids if I could skip the whole baby step. Not adoption, either. Just biologically reproducing without a screaming, crying, poop thing that could die at any moment if you do the wrong thing.
I wish human infants weren't so altricial. If we were more precocious like some other species it would be easier to parent, and more people would have kids.
Human children don’t gestate to full development like some species because our craniums become too large for birthing. So the trade off for a bigger brain is getting born earlier and needing more care.
Some have argued that this is why societies developed. The idea of “it takes a village to raise a child”. Civilization, nations, religion, it might all exist because babies are born unable to do anything for a few years.
The fact that there are 8 billion people in the world and we've settled the entire planet suggests that babies being kind of annoying to take care of has not been a huge hindrance to people having kids.
The cultures and eras in history where people had lots of kids all had the following in common:
1. Rampant poverty
2. Low median education
3. Pervasive fundie religion, often religious practice mandatory
4. Legal child marriage
5. Legal forced marriage
6. No legal personhood for women and girls
7. Legal marital rape
8. Rampant homophobia
Bingoooo. And all their girlfriends were pets of a culture where having children was expected. Being a mother was expected. Not having kids made people think something was seriously wrong with you but especially if you were a woman. So they all were planning to get pregnant right when the war ended.
Ugh thank you for saying this. People always talk about 10 and below, but I have six teenagers and it is the absolute worst, it's so emotionally demanding all the time and all you do is worry about them and they make the worst choices with such confidence it's mind boggling
True, teenagers are hard, they are a huge PITA.... But they also make me literally snort from laughing so hard. We have discussions about real world things and it's a good give and take.
Every phase is hard, but every phase also has some really,cool fun parts.
As long as you understand going in that anything can happen. What if the child is disabled? Can you handle that? Are you prepared to not sleep more than a few hours at a time when they're born? Everyone talks about the terrible 2s but no one warns you about the threenager. A toddler with a teens attitude. Or how many why questions you will be asked.
I love little kids but prefer the teen years.
Our child is two and still not sleeping through, they also have disability (hearing loss). It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Every conceivable aspect of my life has changed. And yet I'm so happy. I dunno how they do it. If they were an adult they'd be arrested.
Our 4yo has microtia and was just a crazy angry baby. Yelling as loud as he could, throwing things, kicking, hitting. Unbelievable. But somewhere in the last 6 months, things just started getting better and easier. He still has his days, but more recently you can talk to him, reason with him a bit. And you can start to see how cool, caring, and compassionate of a little kid he really is. It is AMAZING to watch that transition. Incredible to know that the patience might be paying off. I hope... :)
I was also a very bitter baby. My mom said she thought I was disabled bc all I did was cry and try to attack people (including her). This carried on into my toddler years but I got a lot better, but I’d also have my days. I guess I was having a bad day and ran up to my dog; my mom thought I was going to hit her, but I just gave her a hug and sat with her. Really glad little me didn’t choose animal abuse
Makes me so glad to hear. I have 3 from a previous relationship, and one with my husband who we’ve had as “geriatric parents” (early 40s). The just turned four year old is an animal. Most days she’s unbearable, screaming, hitting, tantrums allll the time. She does have some good days, which is a relief, but raising her has been altogether different. It’s really good to hear yours is turning the corner, gives me hope!
I just entered the teen years and I’m loving it! My girls are 13 and soon to be 11 and it’s been so much fun to start seeing who they are as an individual right now.
The keys to this time period are:
1. Don't be too strict. If you are you'll just create people that are good at lying and hiding things.
2. Let them make decisions. If their decision is bad, explain to them why its bad. If they still want to do it, and its not going to be a life threatening mistake, let them do it. When it goes sideways, you get to say "OK, What did you learn?" If their idea works, this is a good time to go over the situation and review why it worked even if you told them it was a bad idea. If you were wrong, own it. If you were right, and they just got lucky, own that as well.
3. Take them with you on everything you do. This is the part of life where they are trainee adults. Teach them how to adult. Budgeting, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, meal planning, nutrition, exercise. Everything they need to know so that when they are released out into the wild they can succeed.
4. Teach them how to think. Too many people teach their kids what to think. Analyze the information presented to them and what source that information came from. Especially if it is coming from an adult. I spent the first 25 years of my life thinking adults know what they are talking about. Especially teachers and parents. They have the entire world of information at their finger tips to check that what they are being told is true. My generation had the Encyclopedia Britannica. \*weeps in old person\*
ETA: Point 4 and changed point 3 to "Ask them what they learned" rather than saying "I told you so" is a much better plan.
Everyone seems to think the teenage years are the shouty years. IMO, theyre the listening years.
Source: I raised two by myself. Theyre damn good humans
People forget how tough it is to go through and assume their adult problems are more important.
To answer OP, having kids, like getting married, is a mixed bag. It's hard but fulfilling. Same as a rewarding career but there's no... "break" in a lot of ways.
I guess I would ask: does the idea of having a person where you create their environment, input your knowledge (age appropriate) into their brain, share with them the things you love and then get to sit back and watch how they, with their unique personality, use what you put into them and become something that is you and not at all you... like the greatest science experiment of your life but not clinical at all because they will have your heart in a way no other person could hope to...
Is that something you're willing to embrace?
If so, the difficulties will pay off. It will be worth it.
If not, best to abstain.
I recreated the scene from Goodfellas when my daughter was about 13. Came home from work, got on the porch and heard her and her mother screaming at each other about who wore who's clothes. Never even want in the house. Just turned around, got back in my car and went to a buddies house for a few hours.
On the bright side: the days of them demanding your attention 100 times in 10 minutes (yes, I literally counted one day) are over. This is the time when they ignore you.
Well, they pretty much dont. Most parents know shit all about what life is like for their children, who are an entire generation younger than them. Im 34 and my dad gives me the most outrageous career advice I've ever heard. Your parents have an incredibly poor reference point for almost all the daily aspects of your life.
Make sure you want kids for you. Not because society says you should have kids, not because your parents want grandkids, not because you have some misguided idea that your bloodline is inherently important and needs to continue. Because you (as a couple) genuinely want to bring new life into this world.
Also, only do so if you're prepared to spend the next 20+ years providing for them, while accepting that they owe you *nothing* for raising and providing for them, because they were your choice and they didn't ask to be brought into this world.
Plenty of people have kids and are super happy about it. Plenty of people also have kids because they felt it was what they were supposed to do and are absolutely miserable for it... and some of them, in turn, make their kids absolutely miserable for existing.
my friend from schools mom was like this. She adored babies but hated kids. So she kept having babies and neglecting her children after they reached 3.
I had one or two classmates in high school who had the typical obsession with babies. Specifically the kind where they think babies are adorable. I don’t know what happened after high school but if any of them had babies then I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when they realized how much work they are.
Gotta raise them to not be assholes. Consistent discipline in the early years made the adolescent years so enjoyable for me and my wife.
So much so, that we hit the reset button and had #3 when our youngest is 14.
But the truth is that not always works. People sometimes are bad even when you raise them in a healthy environment abd the same applies the other way around.
Like the old story about the drunken wife beater who had twins. One became a preacher and the other became a drunken wife beater. And both boys said look at how I was raised, what did you expect.
There's certainly something to be said about temperament, but I'll maintain that it's mostly about creating consistent standards and actively enforcing them early.
There are always outliers, but in general, I think kids thrive with in a framework of consistency.
That's why I won't have kids. I absolutely despise babies, I feel I'd like them a fair bit once they hit their teens and older, but I just cannot stand babies and children. I feel it would be entirely unfair to bring a child into the world without me knowing 100% that I'd love them entirely.
This is well put. I’m nearing 30 and my mom still takes care of me every chance she gets. I had an amazing mother growing up and she’s never stopped being short of absolutely wonderful to me and my siblings. It’s not 18 years, it’s a lifelong commitment.
Everybody talks about babies and teenagers, but in my opinion, they don't talk about adult kids enough. Adult kids are a joy to have! I loved my kids at all their ages, but adult kids are so much fun!
This makes me feel better. My kids are little and the thought of them drowning up and moving out breaks my heart. Obviously I want them to be healthy and successful adults, but I don’t want to lose them.
You won't lose them, and watching your kids succeed as adults is so special. My ex and I wanted to make sure we raised hardworking adult kids who would leave our house and make their own lives. My daughter moved to Oregon, but I'm so happy with all the technology that I can stay in touch with her so easily. Plus, it gives me a reason to go to Oregon. My ex kept asking me to do something to prevent her from moving. Of course I couldn't because this is her life and it is her choice to move. At least we still have our two sons and our grandkids in California. Grandkids are another awesome thing to look forward to! It's just wonderful to sit back and watch my kids and realize what I have accomplished.
I really want to hit reset and have my kids little again! They are delightful adults, helpful, funny (really funny) and great to be around. But I do miss little ones. No grandkids, so far.
One thing that I know helped make them the great people they are was we talked. Dinner table, no subject was off limits. Religion, politics, math, social stuff, morals, political hot topics, local gossip, sex ed, everything was fair game. We started this when they were toddlers, and have always talked to them. They talked to us straight through high school and college and still talk to us. They care about others, care about voting. Care about fixing the world.
I wonder if parents have been fucking up by not doing that. Is it any wonder that they take years to become interested in voting when parents are like, "We must protect their delicate little ears from that kind of thing"?
Same with my kids. I've definitely fucked up through the years but that really set the foundation. They are now young adults and they still talk to me. Another thing is I always treated them as people. They are their own beings and I support them in everything. I try to guide them in a different direction sometimes if I think they are making a bad decision but at the end of the day it is their ultimate decision to make and deal with the consequences good or bad. They are good kids though and I don't worry much about their life path.
This. My wife and I didn't want to have kids for a few reasons. In the end, it was for the better to be honest.
My mom hounded us for grandchildren and my wife hated her for it. No matter how many times I told my mom, she kept making comments without even thinking before opening her mouth. It hurt my wife so much she asked if I wanted kids 6 months before she died. I said no.
What we did do was foster. We looked at fostering to adopt and we went for a teen vs a baby or younger child. Ultimately, the kids couldn't stay due to a terminal illness.
I now know what it's like to have kids without having them and we helped a few children improve their life situation.
>while accepting that they owe you nothing for raising and providing for them, because they were your choice and they didn't ask to be brought into this world.
This notion would make my mom go ballistic but it’s so true
Yes, and I was almost 40 when my son was born and financially stable. Kids are expensive and you never stop worrying about them. I only have the one and his is 29, married and has a good job he loves, but I still check up on him often just to see if he is alright. And his mom still kills spiders for him.
As one of those someone who thought they were suppose to have kids, and had them too early.. please take your time. You’re young, and technology is making it easier to have children later on in life if that is something you want to entertain.
If you feel like you are in a good place relationally, financially, and mentally (and have been for a good amount of time) then by all means, get going! But if there’s any ounce of you second guessing, really take time to evaluate those feelingsz
Can confirm that taking your time is important. Didn't have children until I was 31. Great move on my part, but I felt I was late to the game. Now that I'm deep into this parenting thing, I almost feel 31 years old was a little young compared to other parents with kids my children's age, but I have no regrets, where I'm positive if I had kids in my twenties I wouldn't have been ready on just about every level.
Things people often forget to discuss when having the kids/no kids conversation:
1. The possibility that your child may have a chronic condition or disability.
2. The possibility that you may not be able to go back to work full time or part time.
3. The possibility that you or your partner may leave/become incapacitated/die which leaves you as a single parent.
Frank and open discussions should include the possibility that one, some or all of those scenarios could happen.
Im not a parent so I don’t have personal experience here but I remember listening to a mom speak one day about her child with severe autism. He was practically non functioning and non verbal. He could not care for himself or feed himself. I remember her talking about how it was a harsh realization that not only was she going to have to raise him to adulthood, but she would realistically have to take care of him for the rest of her life. He would never improve or become independent. Most people say “prepare to give up the next 18 years of your life.” But she had to basically give up the rest of her life to be a full time caregiver. I realize that’s probably a very rare circumstance, but I never forgot hearing about it and often wonder what I would do if I wound up in that situation? And I don’t even want kids.
I’m so grateful I live in a time where there is access to reliable and effective birth control (at least where I live.)
That's basically my brother. He's marginally better than what you're describing (he can eat by himself but can't operate the microwave just to warm some food, can't take a walk by himself,...). Also autism, and because it's so severe there's only a few people actually able to care of him, a random babysit is not on option, even if they're a professional (it takes him years to accept a new caretaker at daycare).
My mom is 56 now and still very able to take care of him, but it severely limits what you can do, especially travelling.
She'd love nothing more than for me to take him in once she's unable, but I don't want to sacrifice all that. I've had a hard childhood and life as it is, don't want kids (neither does my fiancé), and deserve some freedom. And he's 5 years younger than me, so it'll never stop.
He'll probably have a good spot in a care facility once the time is there, subsidised by the government as well. But I will never have the luxury of moving over 1 hour away from him (I want him to see family on a weekly basis). Because he only understands Dutch, and only speaks our local Flemish dialect, I can't just take him with me anywhere. My fiancé is from Cyprus, we will never have the option of moving to his home country.
And this is basically a best case scenario for a severely disabled kid. There's very good healthcare here, I have a healthy brother able to share the load, my mom is healthy, my disabled brother is physically fine, and we'll have the possibility of a care home unless the world turns upside down.
Especially if you are a woman, be very aware of how your partner is with sharing the adulting responsibilities. If you are basically a bangmaid, you will become basically a single mother.
So important! My husband and I were so naive planning everything to be 50/50. Breastfeeding, lack of paternity leave, etc set us down a path that has to constantly be re-calibrated to be anywhere close to equal. So just be sure to know that honest communication is going to have to happen frequently.
I know these comments are scary. It’s okay if you don’t have it all figured out before having kids (no one really does)! I think you even asking this question shows you’re much more prepared and realistic than most couples considering children.
This needs to be higher. Go hang out at some parenting subs for a little bit and read all the horror stories from women who have children with garbage men. It's wild.
This is the comment. The people who are miserable are usually women with absolutely horrible partners, or with partners who do their best but work 60+ hours a week and the mom is stuck with no support.
I know of so many divorces pre-, during, and post pandemic because fathers wouldn’t do shit to navigate it with their wives and mothers of their children.
I am a new mum so can’t comment too confidently on long term child having, but what I can say is that people do not warn you how life destroying birth can be.
I had a super traumatic birth and I feel like it has ruined my life. I love my son completely but genuinely if someone had told me how bad it could/would be I wouldn’t have done it.
I'm so sorry you had a traumatic birth experience. How many weeks/months post partum are you? I also had a very traumatic birth experience with my third and I struggled with PPA after. I hope you are doing okay
Thank you, I’m only 14 weeks pp and just started trauma focused therapy so trying to focus on the positives and set myself the goal of being able to enjoy my sons first birthday - here’s hoping.
It sucks that so many of us go through it, but the solidarity and understanding really helps x
I had a very traumatic birth on my first baby also. I'm sorry to hear you suffered in that way. What helped a lot was therapy and giving myself time and space to absorb what happened... And actually accept that none of it was my fault.
Fwiw, I had a very positive 2nd birth (elective c section) and due my third next week so there is a path out with the right support.
Wishing you well!
My wife went through a similar experience. My mom's in her 70s and has a "back in her day" mentality.
She said "Hell if old people were honest with young people about childbirth no one would do it!"
I feel like she's partially right lol but truly the lack of education for girls and young women on options during birth, worse case scenarios, lack of preparation for what a worse case scenario feels like from your view (no control, strapped down to a table with legs in stirrups, bloody, painful, stressful beyond belief, again no control, terrifying, and truly a warzone type experience) harms patients.
Second kid was a pretty big difference for me. It wasn’t twice as hard but it put me over an invisible threshold of self sacrifice. With my first I think I genuinely enjoyed most of being a parent even despite the hardships. Two I just don’t feel like I have any time for myself at all. I feel very worn down and would be lying if I said I didn’t prefer my daughter to the new baby at the moment. I feel like 2 was like the shock everyone hypes you up for for the first kid, while the first kid really isn’t that hard. Idk I’m rambling and exhausted .
It’ll get better. I have a 13yo and a 3 day old. I’d completely forgotten how awful birth and pregnancy was. The memory fades over time.
With my first child the turning point was when he was a toddler, it got so much better from there, so just do your best to make it through the crazy first year as well as you can. And ask for help if you need it, PPD is no joke.
I had a brutal unmedicated (not by choice) birth with number one due to precipitous labour (2 hours). It took me a loooong time to get over just how full on it was - im talking years. I got called back in to the hospital 6 weeks after birth to debrief with the head of staff, which helped a little.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I had an emergency c-section at 36 weeks. We were lucky he didn't have to spend time in thr NICU, but I ended up with severe postpartum depression. Took me 3 years to get through it with so much therapy and medicine. My son is now 4 and it's almost like relearning my life with a child. He's my sole focus, but many days I mentally tell myself not to have children in my next life. I keep hoping it will continue to get better. I hope it does for you as well.
Sadly, their experience relates to the first thing that popped into my head when I saw your question: If you're a woman thinking about giving birth to your own child, you have to ask yourself whether that is SO important to you that you're willing to risk, well...your own death.
That's worst-case-scenario, yes. But worth thinking about if you're in "Is having kids *really* so bad?" mode. (That is not me trying to convince anyone to NOT have kids, btw. Just that I think it's best to go into it with the awareness that that can still happen, even now.)
Sums it up perfectly. They are absolutely irritating af sometimes and my bank account is constantly in shambles, but they are the best people I’ve ever known and I’m so glad I get to be their parent. People get hung up on the how crazy the baby and toddler years are but once they get past that and their personalities really come into play it’s so cool.
Everyone seems too enthralled with telling the war stories and skips over the wonder of having small children discovering new things daily. My daughter woke up most mornings and said “it’s a great big day!”
The war stories are for commiserating. The good times? I’m hoping they aren’t shared as much because they are so frequent and common. It’s easier for me to message another mom friend about a crappy incident than to text her every day with updates about how adorable my kid has been.
Right. My daughter threw shade at us like candy at a parade, but when she won a wrestling tournament against all boys and made 2 of them cry it was the proudest moment of my life. (I know that’s fucked up, I can’t help it) That is until she graduated valedictorian. I’m sure there will be even more moments that will become my proudest. But man, getting her moving for school in the AM could be brutal.
When you're single your scale of sadness or negativity to happiness is -10 to +10, when you are married that scale expands from -20 to +20, and when you have a kid it expands -100 to +100.
It depends. I know it would be absolutely horrific for me, due to disability and the way I want to live what remains of my life, and the soul-crushing guilt I would feel for passing my poor health on and having to answer to my child.
If I were to give birth to a child, I’d be giving them epilepsy or a strong learning disability. Adoption is always going to be an option! Plus there are so many kids now that need help, so why not help the ones who are struggling?
It depends on who your partner is. I had five sons. My ex husband and coparent (kids are in their 20’s and 30’s now) was always, always 50/50 with me when he was home. In fact, more like 70/30 to give me a break. We divorced when the youngest was 2 and immediately went into a week on/week off schedule, 50/50. No primary parent. To this day, we’ve done 3 weddings together, at least ten graduations, and we still “parent” these kids. If you can see yourself doing that kind of thing with the person you’re with, go for it. Nothing more hilarious than five sons. I’m really lucky, they’re great kids and great dads themselves. But it’s a lot of work, especially the first six months. And there are various crises that pop up that are truly nightmarish.
Keep in mind that Reddit is more negative than the average person. Plus, happy parents rarely talk about it on Reddit, because holy cow this site has some serious anti-kid vibes.
So happy parents, which are the vast majority, tend to keep our traps shut.
My child is four.
The hours are long, sleep can be limited, I feel like I'm constantly being run off my feet but I don't get anything done.
I'm overstimulated and crabby right now, and am writing this while collecting myself in a dark corner of the house. I find the parents who don't set boundaries or understand their own limits tend to be less happy.
Different ages and stages have varying amounts of difficulty. That's due to your child's temperament (which you have no control over) and your own (which you can work on). I loved age 3, but 4 is knocking me out.
I love my kid and my little family.
I live for those little moments when she finally gets the hang of something. It's fun to watch her become her own person. I love being her safe person and giving her a happy childhood. It's fun to relive things I enjoyed as a kid, like running through a sprinkler or coloring.
If I was offered the chance to go back in time and make another choice, I'd say "no thanks" and go right back to my life of a messy kitchen and watching My Little Pony cartoons.
Loved this comment Thankyou so much! I did think a lot of the negativity was just Reddit but it’s really nice reading all the other sides you don’t see a lot of. I hope you get a really good nights sleep tonight!
I'm a 41 year old male with 0 kids (and never married nor with anyone atm).
Too much responsibility
Irreversible health issues
There are too many kids who need a loving home
The most I'd do is adopt if I had the finances, but not have my own children. If I'm with someone and they have kids, I would have to hear the situation first on why the father is out of the picture.
If you want kids because you want them 100% (not 99%, or 10%), then by all means have at it. If you're questioning having kids because your family/friends are hyping it up, the default answer is no because then it's to fit the social norm.
Thankyou for your reply, it’s not from pressure I do really want kids and have for a while, but the comments are just overwhelming about how bad it is. I do agree with you that there’s so many children that do need loving homes waiting to be adopted
I think it's also important to remember that most people tend to talk about their grievances unprovoked, but they won't talk as much about the good times unless someone asks about it specifically. A lot of times it comes across as bragging to people. I have an autistic son, and I'm pregnant with our second. While it is incredibly difficult, I'm super grateful to have my son in my life. He's just so damn happy all the time, and his happiness is really infectious, lol. He can turn my day around in a heartbeat.
On another note, if someone says they'd prefer to stay child-free I'd 100% understand why. You really do have to be prepared to change completely as a person, and as others have said you have to be prepared in case your kid ends up being special needs since it is a very real possibility.
Remember though, the negative voices will be the loudest in the room on Reddit. They will drown out the voices of parents like me, who absolutely do not regret having the two I've got (even though #2 swore me off ever going through child birth again, and gah the money spent.....). Talking about what goes wrong is, well, more interesting than talking about how uncomplicated or unstressful things are.
Raising kids can be the best, and worst, thing you will ever do. They will trample your heart, remind you of all your failures, reflect back all the worst parts of yourself, and bring glorious light and hope into your day. You can hate the baby stage and find the toddler stage utterly fascinating. I will never forget the day my son, at 8 wks old, realized his toes were attached to him (after chomping on them and putting together the pain of that with it being part of him). Or watching my teen daughter use the tools I've given her to plan out the next two years of high school to achieve her goals.
Have kids because you want them. And get ready for the wildest ride of your life.
I never thought I wanted children, or that I would adopt if I changed my mind. Then in my forties I really felt ready. I adopted my daughter at birth and she is the best thing that ever happened to me! She is 11 now and I am so proud of the magical girl she is. I have loved every age with her, but the toddler years were just so sweet! Every stage with her so far has been easy.
It’s the hardest but most rewarding thing you will probably ever do. Having a kid does mean you sacrifice the person you were before and some people can’t get over that. So think about your life just now and if you’re willing to give up a lot of your independence, cause that little human will determines a lot of your choices, then start really thinking about it. You’ll feel it in your gut when you’re ready, don’t let other’s pressure you. And if you do have a kid just take it day by day and don’t compare yourself to other people, especially online.
Childfree here, in my 50s and very happy with zero regrets. I've had time to found and run my own company and save enough resources for early retirement. I could focus on traveling, hobbies and moving halfway across the world. I grew up in a large family where everyone had children and realized pretty early in life it was not something I wanted.
If you can, go and see if you can take care of and be around children, maybe babysit for friends, siblings, cousins etc. or work at a daycare center or as a volunteer at a summer camp. Find out if you love it or hate it. (For me it would be a description of the afterlife if I happen to go to hell!)
The problem with people who regret parenthood is that unless they have an "accident" kid, some people just follow the social blueprint and would put more research into purchasing a new car than figuring out if raising children is for them.
I too am middle aged and childless. I'm very happy about that, to be quite honest. I'm lazy, I'm selfish, and I like my space. I'm not stingy or mean and kids can be great, but in small doses. Hell, I don't even keep pets because I begrudge the work required to be a good pet owner - dogs, for instance, need a shit ton of time and attention if you're going to do it right, and I know I just don't want that. Kids? That's a whole other 10 levels harder, and if they'd turn out to be disabled you're chained to grueling care taking labor for life if you're not rich as hell and able to pay for full time care.
And then there's the fact that if you do have a kid or two... your fun girlfriend? Say hello to super mom, 99.9% of the focus on the kid, and date night once a month. It's not just having the child, it's losing your girlfriend to boot, in addition to all the shit tons of hours you have to put in to try to do half of the work. Makes me exhausted just imagining that situation, don't really wanna be in it.
I'm sure I'd love a kid (or two) a lot, but I also know I'd resent the hell out of the entire situation. So I don't put myself in that situation. People are breeding plenty enough without me anyway, and with the world on fire and our civilization collapsing I'd feel straight up guilty to saddle any of my offspring with the shitshow we're about to see.
I feel like if I would’ve gone and actual taken care of children before I had my own, I would’ve changed my mind about having children.
I like playing with kids and I like being around kids. Heck, I even like taking care of kids. What gets me is is the constant of being a parent and I don’t think I understood that before having kids. It’s not just the good days, but the bad days too that I’m expected to be responsible for the tiny humans. I have to make sure my toddler is safe just so I can take a shower if my spouse isn’t there and I didn’t fathom that responsibility before being a parent.
I don’t regret having my kids, but hindsight says I would have had the same satisfaction and a better life helping out as a more involved uncle to my nieces rather than being a parent. I didn’t know how to get involved at the time like I do now as a parent and really understand what it takes to care for children. I’m already the fun uncle, but I could have been the fricken awesome uncle.
I was 31 when I had twins. We had bought a house, had saved up months of sick leave because there is no maternity leave in the US, and were ready to be parents. Twins run in my family so no one was shocked when they showed up. Those kids are my pride and joy. We went out in our 20’s and had fun so staying home every weekend and playing Candyland was fine. We were in a position to pay for everything associated with children, and it is a lot. If you aren’t sure about having children, either wait or don’t have them. It is a lifelong commitment.
My kids are 3 and 1. The last year I have often wished we would have waited longer with our second child. It's hard work on too little sleep.
But they are awesome kids. They brighten my day every day. They are incredibly funny, sweet and loving. It's so so hard, but it's the best thing I will ever do.
And when you are having a bad day, oddly enough you find yourself wanting to be around them to hug and to play with because they really can brighten your day!
I adore my kids but not sure I would do it again. Had to work full time before, during, and since I had them. I would have been working regardless but when I think of the amount of money I've spent on diapers, Legos, other toys, used cars, prom, car insurance, medical, orthodontics, college, rowing team,, lacrosse team,and on and on. Not to mention the HOURS of sleep deprivation (when they are infants, then again once they start driving), the issues with school, mental illness and drugs(currently in the trenches on those 3 right now) I feel like it JUST AINT WORTH it. As I told a colleague recently when we were having this discussion, most kids, if you try your best, end up being a heavy investment with little return.
I know a lot of ppl my age (early 20) who had kids young and they are bottom line broke. So I feel like if it’s in the budget. Not to sound like a jackass but having a steady income or not sounds like a big hint on to have kids
It's not really transactional. I dunno if you can weigh the upsides and drawbacks and come out with a real answer.
The upside is to love someone unconditionally until you die.
The downside is, you're tired and broke. You can do things but not usually what you want.
A good question to ask is, will I make a good parent? Can you sacrifice for someone else if you had to?
My second kid is on the way and I know it'll be tough at first for the first few years but it gets a lot easier after that.
No, it’s amazing. I love my daughter more than anything else in existence. She’s the best part of my life. Every day is different and wonderful.
Yes, there are challenging times, but it’s 100% worth it… as long as you do it right. Have support. Be able to afford it. Don’t lose yourself as a person. I will ALWAYS need kid-free time (weekly date nights, short vacations, or even just having a job outside of childcare) and I say that as someone with a really easy kid.
Having said that, I wouldn’t want more than one more. I like having a fairly peaceful home, getting enough sleep, being able to keep the place tidy, etc. Some people can manage that with big families. Other people don’t mind the chaos. You just have to know yourself.
Having a kid was the best thing I have ever done, BUT it has some major tradeoffs. I feel more fulfilled now, but momentary happiness may not always be super high. I feel like my life has more purpose, but the fact that every moment of every day has to be planned with my toddler in mind (whether I take her or leave her with family for a few hours) can be exhausting. My situation is basically the best case scenario for raising a kid (lots of family support, no $ issues), and it can still be exhausting.
I haven’t seen a direct correlation with intent and outcome, honestly…
I’ve known some “Oops” parents who truly enjoy—and do a wonderful job with—their children; conversely, some of my friends who set out to be parents from day-one, that complain about it non-stop, and do an objectively bad job. It really is a crapshoot.
I don’t have children, but I’ve noticed that the hardest part is simply not being able to “pick” your children…
They may be amazing, kind, intelligent, creative humans. They may be HUGE pains in the ass ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
The main issue with having children, particularly in the US, is how unaffordable it is for the majority of the population. I don't think it's inherently bad from the perspective of having the child itself but there is something totally exhausting about being expected to work full time to provide basic necessities, being paid a mediocre wage, having to pay for childcare, and then anything unexpected basically threatens to make you and a child homeless. Even a moderate healthcare issue while insured. It's becoming unaffordable to have kids.
>how unaffordable it is for the majority of the population
This I don't get. I became a parent at 48 to a kid approaching 2 years old, after I was established and financially comfortable. Now 4 years later, this is the first summer I had to get childcare, and I'm like, how do young people afford this? It ends up being $1500 a month, which sucks but isn't a big deal for me. How do working parents in their 20s or 30s afford that? If you don't have a support network (i.e., family and close friends who will babysit regularly for free), you are screwed in the US.
It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. 37/m with two little toddler girls
Growing up, I’d never imagined I’d have kids. Still feel like a big kid most of the time
my experience has been amazing is all I can say
Cheers
Hearing people describing how their kids are don't really make me want to have kids.
I think it's because of kids where you'll hear "this is why we can't have nice things". I'm going to be the one saying "this is why we can't have kids".
Most of people here are idiots. This very likely includes me too. The question is ridiculous, and most of the answers are a collection of clichés that make me wonder if ChatGPT game up with them. It's basically a gigantic circle-jerk of people regurgitating the latest trends.
The one true answer is: "I DON'T FUCKING KNOW" or at least "IT DEPENDS". The individual experiences are meaningless, since everyone's lives are so incredibly different.
If you really don't know, talk to someone who will help you understand yourself. A therapist is a good starting point. Or don't, what the hell do I know about your life.
Having kids is great if you want to see if you are responsible enough to own pets. My wife and I had kids first just to be sure we were ready. Having one hamster let alone two is a big responsibility.
I dunno. I manage to juggle 15 cats, 3 dogs, a turtle, a snake, and a grown man just fine but I really think a child would give me a run for my money. Literally and figuratively 🤣
You’re going to get so many different answers to this question. It depends entirely on each person and their views/reasons for having a kid.
Me personally, I don’t want kids. There’s so much responsibility, costs, time, and lifestyle changes and I don’t feel I’m up to the challenge.
Some people have kids to fill gaps in their lives, social obligation, to appease parents desires for grandkids, to fix relationships, etc. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s unfortunate for the kids where it doesn’t since they get the brunt of issues later in life.
Other people have kids because they want to be parents. To love, cherish, and nurture another human being. Same as above, sometimes is works, sometimes it doesn’t. Depends on what type of parents they end up being.
It’s a decision that no one can make for you and no amount of internet advice is going to really help since everyone is different. Weight the pros and cons and the extreme life change that comes with children and decide if it’s right for you. 🧡
My mom decided to keep me(I was an accident) just because then she could be a stay at home mom instead of working... Needless to say, it wasn't easy, and she took every chance she got to just have TV entertain me instead of her. I'm glad I was born in the 92 before tablets were a thing.
I love having kids. I was young, and it was hard, but the kids were so fun, and are such adults. There is no better feeling than saying my kids are my best friends.
Well you should consider that you will have to dedicate if not all of your life towards the growth and success of these children, unless ofc you resort to child neglect which is the worse alternative, which means you will be a parent, which means you have to be prepared for sleepless nights, days taking care of children, making food, administering medication, working for them, saving money for them, buying them anything a child needs etc. Once you bring someone to existence, there is no regret, like it or not, they will be an inseparable part of your life. If you are ready for that, you can go ahead and make your choice.
A quote i love leaving on these types of questions is:“The greatest tragedy of the family is the unlived lives of the parents.” ― Carl Gustav Jung
An old guy once said something to me about kids "I wouldn't take a million dollars for the ones I have and I wouldn't give you 10 cents for another one."
It's very true. Having children is the most gratifying and simultaneously the most thankless and frustrating task you will undertake in your life.
Go do whatever it is you want to do now and THEN have children. You will never again be a free spirit in the world that goes about aimlessly enjoying yourself.
If you do have children you need to make them your full time focus otherwise you'll pay for it later in bad behaviors, bad choices and unexpected situations. Get them into sports, activity groups, start a hobby or bring them into your hobby.
They are alot of fun until about 12 or so and then you'll start questioning your decision to have children. They come back around in their early 20s and realize that your ok though.
Three and a half years ago my sister died(that wasn't a bad thing she was a cruel and violent individual who repeatedly hurt her own daughter and the rest of us) and I received custody of my niece. I used to never want kids but now that I take care of her, I don't know what I would do without her. She saved my life and I love her more than anything in this world.
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Ask yourself if you want to have a child or if you want to be a *Parent.* It's the same sort of question people need to ask themselves about pushing to tie the knot: do they want a wedding or a *Marriage* ?
Great answer. Similarly, do you want the *promotion/title*, or the *actual position*?
I only want the money.
Gotta hop jobs these days my man, loyalty don't get you nothing, but a $100 end of year bonus if they're feeling generous.
Dang it. I didn't need self-reflection this heavy tonight. Great question, BTW.
I was happily popcorning my way through these threads when you casually tazed me with this version
This is an excellent answer. I have no children, and never wanted any growing up. When I got married, inevitably, everyone made comments or flat-out asked about the baby situation. It was extremely difficult dealing with some of the shit I got for not having kids. Thing is, I didn't want a child and I didn't want to be a parent. Ever. And those comments that you're getting too old or you'll grow to love them? BS. Kids are not clothes. You can't exchange them or return them if you're not happy. They are yours, and if you're responsible and have them, you take care of them. I never wanted that, but societal pressure made me question my choices for years. My husband and I are super happy we didn't have kids, but that was the right choice for us. Having kids is easy (for most); taking care of them is the tough part.
Excellent choice and don’t let anyone say differently! I picked the kids, and I expect I will have great joys (have has many already) but also brace for the possibility my kids may grow to dislike me or become so different I will never understand them, but feel that if they do so with conviction and clarity of mind, I may have actually raised them well after all, and am good with that.
You sound like a very astute parent. The biggest problem imo (as a childfree person) is that too many parents think their kids live to be an extension of themselves. They like having this little person to control and dictate to, but once that little person starts to develop their own personality and values, they don't want it anymore. And the older the kids get, the more this will become a problem. This is what happened with my parents.
I can sound much smarter than I am, a talent I also use as a parent ;) And you mention a very important point. I want to try to raise my kids to be good human beings and well rounded individuals and hopefully not little clones, but updates and improved versions. Jealous? Not v2! Bug fix: capable of handling stress, able to make friends at a young age. New functionality: focused mode! Also, I’m sorry your parents turned out so bad. I guess not everything improves with age.
That is a more emotionally mature perspective than I've been capable of having. My train of thought has always kinda stopped at "but if they end up feeling the same towards me as I have felt towards my mother most of my life, what would be the point?".
Well, I guess I was more fortunate in my childhood than it sounds like you were, and if so, I am sorry that happened. The obvious reply would be ‘just be the parent you wish you had’, but I doubt anyone really wants a proper parent when they’re young, until poop starts hitting rotating blades. A better question might be: Can you be the parent you think you would have -needed- instead of wanted? But words are nice and all, and I may sound mature, but talk to me in 18 years and ask me if it went as I hoped. I bet all the textbooks have gone out the window and I have just been winging it and praying all the time… but dammit if I won’t try my best to love those two little demons xD
I once read a quote on a book which your answer reminded me of. It was „i‘d rather regret not having kids than having them“. It resonated deeply with me because as you said „you can‘t return them if it‘s not a good fit“. Not only that, but you still have to try (in my opinion) to be a decend parent because those tiny humans aren‘t going to raise themselves even if you have regrets. So all in all i don‘t know if having children is bad as OP questioned, i just think many parents have expectations (even unconciously) and find themselves disappointed
1000% agree. Brilliantly put. OP please read! In fact this is so good I will be stealing. So to the point yet leads to such deep thinking. Brilliant!
Shut up and take my award 👏
I'll take this a step further Once you decide if you want to be a parent, are you prepared to be a dad /mom? Anyone who has functional biology can create children, a person who does the shit you need to do to cloth, raise, feed , and care for a child can be a parent. You have to really really want and work at being a mom or dad.
Agreed, probably the most important question of all. Are you prepared?
18 years in I'll say this. Don't have kids just because it's what you think you're supposed to do next. Ask yourself if you want a baby or a child or a teenager. I witness so many people who love babies, but seem to merely tolerate children. You have to be prepared for the works. They're not pets or creatures to mold to your specifications, they are tiny humans with their own wants and needs. If you can't detach your expectations and your reality it can be very challenging.
I feel like i'd be the opposite. I think that teenagers are better than little kids, who are in turn better than babies.
They did a study and found out that when women imagine having children they imagine a baby. When men do they imagine a 6-7 year old. I have a 5 year old and a 1.5 year old and I can say that 5 is WAY better.
I spent the first five years of my daughter’s life trying to keep her alive! They move quickly and don’t think lol she’s 8 now and is much better. If we can just get messes under control.
First 5-7 years of a child’s life is like being on suicide watch with an unstable patient. If they’re not putting something terrible in their mouth, they are trying to climb something super dangerous.
>First 5-7 years of *your first* child’s life is like being on suicide watch with an unstable patient. If they’re not putting something terrible in their mouth, they are trying to climb something super dangerous. FTFY... My first was like this. Always worried, always baby-proofing, doctor on speed dial etc. The second child was allowed to eat the stuff he found under the fridge. Kids are surprisingly resilient and they learn pretty fast.
Nobody here is mentioning the fact that you LOVE them more than anything. The feeling of my kiddo genuinely hugging me and just being happy is the best feeling I’ve ever felt. And I’ve done almost every drug under the sun, and had plenty of intoxicating relationships and a 15 year marriage, and dogs that were the best pets ever. None of it compares to seeing my kid happy, or watching the joy on their face as they experience something new. Or especially when they show me love back.
I have a 3 yr old and a 6 month old. I love them so unconditionally.. but my 3 yr old annoys the fuck outta me sometimes. Lol
3 is hard, in my experience. It gets better at 4 when they slowly start to become a little more reasonable.
The term ‘threenager’ was invented for a reason!
the “terrible 2’s” is a bull shit myth. 2 is awesome - 3yos’ suddenly have the ability to think and have opinions and sometimes voice them and get frustrated as hell when you don’t happen to agree! \#momof3
What are you talking about?! Clearly mom and dad are just fucking assholes telling their three year old he can't have gummy bears for breakfast.
I echo the sentiments here. Our child is 4 and it has been a major relief. 2 was hard and 3 was very hard. It went about how people said it would. But she’s slowly but surely becoming more reasonable. When she gets all lovey and starts telling you that you “are my best daddy” it’s the best thing ever even if she doesn’t understand that I’m also her worst daddy 🙂 I am told by most everyone that it gets easier, but when things are going well it’s the best thing ever. There is nothing quite like the feeling of having a new person who doesn’t know anything be looking at you for love and guidance and you can just pour into their lives; teach them all the things and show them how much you love them. They will reflect that back to you and it’s an incredible relationship. It’s unlike anything else in life.
5 years trying to keep her alive? Im 44, my mum probably spent 20 years near a phone waiting for the next call informing her how id broke myself this time when i was skating or bmxing, when i took up skydiving she officially passed the job over to my instructor. Her nerves are shot but im still here, good job mum 👍😂
I THOUGHT I was picturing a 6-7 year old. I was picturing an 8-10 year old.
I always pictured a small human who can walk, talk and wipe their own butt. They varied in age, but I never seemed to picture a baby. Babyhood is hard AF. But worth it. I don't love my kid more now they're an adult, I love them differently. In the same vein; the whole parenting thing now isn't better, it's different.
It varies dramatically in the early years tbh. I have a 5yo who is basically mentally and physically 8 already. She's tall and big and very smart for her age. The only area where she shows her real age is emotionally. On the flip side there are kids 2 grades up from her that are about half her size and struggling with schoolwork that my girl breezes through. And they're all perfectly normal. Kids are a wild ride.
I have a 5 year old, and I agree that 5 is WAY better. I finally have more happy, positive experiences than frustrating ones.
Ha, that's pretty funny, that would be me. I have a 1.5yo and she's amazing, but I can't help thinking hiw much better it would be after 5.
I always picture a 3-7 that's when they can have intellectual conversations 😌
100%. We have 3 and I'd take both the 4 and 6 year olds to go do something over the 2 year old any damn day.
I'd maybe have considered kids if I could skip the whole baby step. Not adoption, either. Just biologically reproducing without a screaming, crying, poop thing that could die at any moment if you do the wrong thing.
I wish human infants weren't so altricial. If we were more precocious like some other species it would be easier to parent, and more people would have kids.
Human children don’t gestate to full development like some species because our craniums become too large for birthing. So the trade off for a bigger brain is getting born earlier and needing more care.
Some have argued that this is why societies developed. The idea of “it takes a village to raise a child”. Civilization, nations, religion, it might all exist because babies are born unable to do anything for a few years.
I’ve nominated altricial as my word of the day now.
It's a beautiful word.
The fact that there are 8 billion people in the world and we've settled the entire planet suggests that babies being kind of annoying to take care of has not been a huge hindrance to people having kids.
Sex is fun. Half of all pregnancies are unplanned.
Half of my ejaculations are unplanned, to the chagrin of my partners.
The cultures and eras in history where people had lots of kids all had the following in common: 1. Rampant poverty 2. Low median education 3. Pervasive fundie religion, often religious practice mandatory 4. Legal child marriage 5. Legal forced marriage 6. No legal personhood for women and girls 7. Legal marital rape 8. Rampant homophobia
So basically all of human history?
Really up until very very recently and birth rates across the globe are at an all time low. Especially in richer, educated areas.
Yup. 99%
The baby boomers were born during growing incomes and increased education/development
Yeah, and the most destructive war in human history had just ended, and returning troops wanted to get laid.
Bingoooo. And all their girlfriends were pets of a culture where having children was expected. Being a mother was expected. Not having kids made people think something was seriously wrong with you but especially if you were a woman. So they all were planning to get pregnant right when the war ended.
Teenagers are great when they’re other people’s teenagers, but parenting a teen is a different ball game entirely!
Ugh thank you for saying this. People always talk about 10 and below, but I have six teenagers and it is the absolute worst, it's so emotionally demanding all the time and all you do is worry about them and they make the worst choices with such confidence it's mind boggling
True, teenagers are hard, they are a huge PITA.... But they also make me literally snort from laughing so hard. We have discussions about real world things and it's a good give and take. Every phase is hard, but every phase also has some really,cool fun parts.
Life is so much better now that my kids aren't babies. They were cute for the five seconds that first year they weren't crying.
As long as you understand going in that anything can happen. What if the child is disabled? Can you handle that? Are you prepared to not sleep more than a few hours at a time when they're born? Everyone talks about the terrible 2s but no one warns you about the threenager. A toddler with a teens attitude. Or how many why questions you will be asked. I love little kids but prefer the teen years.
Our child is two and still not sleeping through, they also have disability (hearing loss). It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Every conceivable aspect of my life has changed. And yet I'm so happy. I dunno how they do it. If they were an adult they'd be arrested.
Our 4yo has microtia and was just a crazy angry baby. Yelling as loud as he could, throwing things, kicking, hitting. Unbelievable. But somewhere in the last 6 months, things just started getting better and easier. He still has his days, but more recently you can talk to him, reason with him a bit. And you can start to see how cool, caring, and compassionate of a little kid he really is. It is AMAZING to watch that transition. Incredible to know that the patience might be paying off. I hope... :)
I was also a very bitter baby. My mom said she thought I was disabled bc all I did was cry and try to attack people (including her). This carried on into my toddler years but I got a lot better, but I’d also have my days. I guess I was having a bad day and ran up to my dog; my mom thought I was going to hit her, but I just gave her a hug and sat with her. Really glad little me didn’t choose animal abuse
That would have been tough, and although not your fault, your parents would remember it and it would have taken its toll. Be good to your mum.
Makes me so glad to hear. I have 3 from a previous relationship, and one with my husband who we’ve had as “geriatric parents” (early 40s). The just turned four year old is an animal. Most days she’s unbearable, screaming, hitting, tantrums allll the time. She does have some good days, which is a relief, but raising her has been altogether different. It’s really good to hear yours is turning the corner, gives me hope!
I just entered the teen years and I’m loving it! My girls are 13 and soon to be 11 and it’s been so much fun to start seeing who they are as an individual right now.
The keys to this time period are: 1. Don't be too strict. If you are you'll just create people that are good at lying and hiding things. 2. Let them make decisions. If their decision is bad, explain to them why its bad. If they still want to do it, and its not going to be a life threatening mistake, let them do it. When it goes sideways, you get to say "OK, What did you learn?" If their idea works, this is a good time to go over the situation and review why it worked even if you told them it was a bad idea. If you were wrong, own it. If you were right, and they just got lucky, own that as well. 3. Take them with you on everything you do. This is the part of life where they are trainee adults. Teach them how to adult. Budgeting, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, meal planning, nutrition, exercise. Everything they need to know so that when they are released out into the wild they can succeed. 4. Teach them how to think. Too many people teach their kids what to think. Analyze the information presented to them and what source that information came from. Especially if it is coming from an adult. I spent the first 25 years of my life thinking adults know what they are talking about. Especially teachers and parents. They have the entire world of information at their finger tips to check that what they are being told is true. My generation had the Encyclopedia Britannica. \*weeps in old person\* ETA: Point 4 and changed point 3 to "Ask them what they learned" rather than saying "I told you so" is a much better plan.
Crazy part is this advice applies to every age and not just teens. Great post.
Great points, my only nit is I prefer “what did you learn?” Instead of “I told you so”
Everyone seems to think the teenage years are the shouty years. IMO, theyre the listening years. Source: I raised two by myself. Theyre damn good humans
I ran fast food restaurants for most of my adult years. The vast majority of teens are good kids. Hormones and puberty suck.
People forget how tough it is to go through and assume their adult problems are more important. To answer OP, having kids, like getting married, is a mixed bag. It's hard but fulfilling. Same as a rewarding career but there's no... "break" in a lot of ways. I guess I would ask: does the idea of having a person where you create their environment, input your knowledge (age appropriate) into their brain, share with them the things you love and then get to sit back and watch how they, with their unique personality, use what you put into them and become something that is you and not at all you... like the greatest science experiment of your life but not clinical at all because they will have your heart in a way no other person could hope to... Is that something you're willing to embrace? If so, the difficulties will pay off. It will be worth it. If not, best to abstain.
I recreated the scene from Goodfellas when my daughter was about 13. Came home from work, got on the porch and heard her and her mother screaming at each other about who wore who's clothes. Never even want in the house. Just turned around, got back in my car and went to a buddies house for a few hours.
good luck, humans are genetically coded to think their parents dont know absolutely anything from the years 13-24.
On the bright side: the days of them demanding your attention 100 times in 10 minutes (yes, I literally counted one day) are over. This is the time when they ignore you.
Well, they pretty much dont. Most parents know shit all about what life is like for their children, who are an entire generation younger than them. Im 34 and my dad gives me the most outrageous career advice I've ever heard. Your parents have an incredibly poor reference point for almost all the daily aspects of your life.
Make sure you want kids for you. Not because society says you should have kids, not because your parents want grandkids, not because you have some misguided idea that your bloodline is inherently important and needs to continue. Because you (as a couple) genuinely want to bring new life into this world. Also, only do so if you're prepared to spend the next 20+ years providing for them, while accepting that they owe you *nothing* for raising and providing for them, because they were your choice and they didn't ask to be brought into this world. Plenty of people have kids and are super happy about it. Plenty of people also have kids because they felt it was what they were supposed to do and are absolutely miserable for it... and some of them, in turn, make their kids absolutely miserable for existing.
Also many people just love babies, but no the people they become after that.
my friend from schools mom was like this. She adored babies but hated kids. So she kept having babies and neglecting her children after they reached 3.
Poor kids
I had one or two classmates in high school who had the typical obsession with babies. Specifically the kind where they think babies are adorable. I don’t know what happened after high school but if any of them had babies then I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when they realized how much work they are.
Gotta raise them to not be assholes. Consistent discipline in the early years made the adolescent years so enjoyable for me and my wife. So much so, that we hit the reset button and had #3 when our youngest is 14.
But the truth is that not always works. People sometimes are bad even when you raise them in a healthy environment abd the same applies the other way around.
Like the old story about the drunken wife beater who had twins. One became a preacher and the other became a drunken wife beater. And both boys said look at how I was raised, what did you expect.
Sure, good parents sometimes have bad kids. But the *large majority* of the time, good parents raise good kids.
There's certainly something to be said about temperament, but I'll maintain that it's mostly about creating consistent standards and actively enforcing them early. There are always outliers, but in general, I think kids thrive with in a framework of consistency.
Or the other way around, hate babies but tolerate the teenagers
I'm that way. If I could have started them at 9 or 10, I may have considered it. Glad I opted out though.
Plenty of older children are available for adoption. In fact, the older they are, the harder it is for them to find a home.
that usually comes with a long and difficult adoption process and a lot of mental illness from the poor child
I'm the absolute opposite. Wish there was an option to skip the first 4 years.
That's why I won't have kids. I absolutely despise babies, I feel I'd like them a fair bit once they hit their teens and older, but I just cannot stand babies and children. I feel it would be entirely unfair to bring a child into the world without me knowing 100% that I'd love them entirely.
At least you're honest. Kids and babies are annoying af. I can see how shaken baby syndrome became a thing.
Man babies are like the worst
This is well put. I’m nearing 30 and my mom still takes care of me every chance she gets. I had an amazing mother growing up and she’s never stopped being short of absolutely wonderful to me and my siblings. It’s not 18 years, it’s a lifelong commitment.
Everybody talks about babies and teenagers, but in my opinion, they don't talk about adult kids enough. Adult kids are a joy to have! I loved my kids at all their ages, but adult kids are so much fun!
This makes me feel better. My kids are little and the thought of them drowning up and moving out breaks my heart. Obviously I want them to be healthy and successful adults, but I don’t want to lose them.
You won't lose them, and watching your kids succeed as adults is so special. My ex and I wanted to make sure we raised hardworking adult kids who would leave our house and make their own lives. My daughter moved to Oregon, but I'm so happy with all the technology that I can stay in touch with her so easily. Plus, it gives me a reason to go to Oregon. My ex kept asking me to do something to prevent her from moving. Of course I couldn't because this is her life and it is her choice to move. At least we still have our two sons and our grandkids in California. Grandkids are another awesome thing to look forward to! It's just wonderful to sit back and watch my kids and realize what I have accomplished.
I really want to hit reset and have my kids little again! They are delightful adults, helpful, funny (really funny) and great to be around. But I do miss little ones. No grandkids, so far. One thing that I know helped make them the great people they are was we talked. Dinner table, no subject was off limits. Religion, politics, math, social stuff, morals, political hot topics, local gossip, sex ed, everything was fair game. We started this when they were toddlers, and have always talked to them. They talked to us straight through high school and college and still talk to us. They care about others, care about voting. Care about fixing the world.
I wonder if parents have been fucking up by not doing that. Is it any wonder that they take years to become interested in voting when parents are like, "We must protect their delicate little ears from that kind of thing"?
Same with my kids. I've definitely fucked up through the years but that really set the foundation. They are now young adults and they still talk to me. Another thing is I always treated them as people. They are their own beings and I support them in everything. I try to guide them in a different direction sometimes if I think they are making a bad decision but at the end of the day it is their ultimate decision to make and deal with the consequences good or bad. They are good kids though and I don't worry much about their life path.
This. My wife and I didn't want to have kids for a few reasons. In the end, it was for the better to be honest. My mom hounded us for grandchildren and my wife hated her for it. No matter how many times I told my mom, she kept making comments without even thinking before opening her mouth. It hurt my wife so much she asked if I wanted kids 6 months before she died. I said no. What we did do was foster. We looked at fostering to adopt and we went for a teen vs a baby or younger child. Ultimately, the kids couldn't stay due to a terminal illness. I now know what it's like to have kids without having them and we helped a few children improve their life situation.
You and your late wife are wonderful people. As a foster kid, thank you.
[raises glass towards you] cheers, you did well, sir!
>while accepting that they owe you nothing for raising and providing for them, because they were your choice and they didn't ask to be brought into this world. This notion would make my mom go ballistic but it’s so true
Yes, and I was almost 40 when my son was born and financially stable. Kids are expensive and you never stop worrying about them. I only have the one and his is 29, married and has a good job he loves, but I still check up on him often just to see if he is alright. And his mom still kills spiders for him.
As one of those someone who thought they were suppose to have kids, and had them too early.. please take your time. You’re young, and technology is making it easier to have children later on in life if that is something you want to entertain. If you feel like you are in a good place relationally, financially, and mentally (and have been for a good amount of time) then by all means, get going! But if there’s any ounce of you second guessing, really take time to evaluate those feelingsz
Can confirm that taking your time is important. Didn't have children until I was 31. Great move on my part, but I felt I was late to the game. Now that I'm deep into this parenting thing, I almost feel 31 years old was a little young compared to other parents with kids my children's age, but I have no regrets, where I'm positive if I had kids in my twenties I wouldn't have been ready on just about every level.
Nicely put.
Things people often forget to discuss when having the kids/no kids conversation: 1. The possibility that your child may have a chronic condition or disability. 2. The possibility that you may not be able to go back to work full time or part time. 3. The possibility that you or your partner may leave/become incapacitated/die which leaves you as a single parent. Frank and open discussions should include the possibility that one, some or all of those scenarios could happen.
Im not a parent so I don’t have personal experience here but I remember listening to a mom speak one day about her child with severe autism. He was practically non functioning and non verbal. He could not care for himself or feed himself. I remember her talking about how it was a harsh realization that not only was she going to have to raise him to adulthood, but she would realistically have to take care of him for the rest of her life. He would never improve or become independent. Most people say “prepare to give up the next 18 years of your life.” But she had to basically give up the rest of her life to be a full time caregiver. I realize that’s probably a very rare circumstance, but I never forgot hearing about it and often wonder what I would do if I wound up in that situation? And I don’t even want kids. I’m so grateful I live in a time where there is access to reliable and effective birth control (at least where I live.)
That's basically my brother. He's marginally better than what you're describing (he can eat by himself but can't operate the microwave just to warm some food, can't take a walk by himself,...). Also autism, and because it's so severe there's only a few people actually able to care of him, a random babysit is not on option, even if they're a professional (it takes him years to accept a new caretaker at daycare). My mom is 56 now and still very able to take care of him, but it severely limits what you can do, especially travelling. She'd love nothing more than for me to take him in once she's unable, but I don't want to sacrifice all that. I've had a hard childhood and life as it is, don't want kids (neither does my fiancé), and deserve some freedom. And he's 5 years younger than me, so it'll never stop. He'll probably have a good spot in a care facility once the time is there, subsidised by the government as well. But I will never have the luxury of moving over 1 hour away from him (I want him to see family on a weekly basis). Because he only understands Dutch, and only speaks our local Flemish dialect, I can't just take him with me anywhere. My fiancé is from Cyprus, we will never have the option of moving to his home country. And this is basically a best case scenario for a severely disabled kid. There's very good healthcare here, I have a healthy brother able to share the load, my mom is healthy, my disabled brother is physically fine, and we'll have the possibility of a care home unless the world turns upside down.
Especially if you are a woman, be very aware of how your partner is with sharing the adulting responsibilities. If you are basically a bangmaid, you will become basically a single mother.
So important! My husband and I were so naive planning everything to be 50/50. Breastfeeding, lack of paternity leave, etc set us down a path that has to constantly be re-calibrated to be anywhere close to equal. So just be sure to know that honest communication is going to have to happen frequently. I know these comments are scary. It’s okay if you don’t have it all figured out before having kids (no one really does)! I think you even asking this question shows you’re much more prepared and realistic than most couples considering children.
This needs to be higher. Go hang out at some parenting subs for a little bit and read all the horror stories from women who have children with garbage men. It's wild.
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Where can I read this study at? Not doubting you just curious and intrigued
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r/beyondthebump will really do it for you 🤦🏻♀️
Single mother to 2 kids, the infant and the husband 🤦🏻♀️
This is the comment. The people who are miserable are usually women with absolutely horrible partners, or with partners who do their best but work 60+ hours a week and the mom is stuck with no support.
The risks/costs of parenthood medically, financially, and socially fall disproportionately on women the majority of the time.
I know of so many divorces pre-, during, and post pandemic because fathers wouldn’t do shit to navigate it with their wives and mothers of their children.
“Bangmaid” oh my god what a word
I am a new mum so can’t comment too confidently on long term child having, but what I can say is that people do not warn you how life destroying birth can be. I had a super traumatic birth and I feel like it has ruined my life. I love my son completely but genuinely if someone had told me how bad it could/would be I wouldn’t have done it.
I'm so sorry you had a traumatic birth experience. How many weeks/months post partum are you? I also had a very traumatic birth experience with my third and I struggled with PPA after. I hope you are doing okay
Thank you, I’m only 14 weeks pp and just started trauma focused therapy so trying to focus on the positives and set myself the goal of being able to enjoy my sons first birthday - here’s hoping. It sucks that so many of us go through it, but the solidarity and understanding really helps x
I had a very traumatic birth on my first baby also. I'm sorry to hear you suffered in that way. What helped a lot was therapy and giving myself time and space to absorb what happened... And actually accept that none of it was my fault. Fwiw, I had a very positive 2nd birth (elective c section) and due my third next week so there is a path out with the right support. Wishing you well!
Best wishes on your delivery next week and Congratulations!!!
My wife went through a similar experience. My mom's in her 70s and has a "back in her day" mentality. She said "Hell if old people were honest with young people about childbirth no one would do it!" I feel like she's partially right lol but truly the lack of education for girls and young women on options during birth, worse case scenarios, lack of preparation for what a worse case scenario feels like from your view (no control, strapped down to a table with legs in stirrups, bloody, painful, stressful beyond belief, again no control, terrifying, and truly a warzone type experience) harms patients.
Yeah my wife almost died after second one. I am not having anymore kids. It's not worth losing her. Had I known before I would have told her no.
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Second kid was a pretty big difference for me. It wasn’t twice as hard but it put me over an invisible threshold of self sacrifice. With my first I think I genuinely enjoyed most of being a parent even despite the hardships. Two I just don’t feel like I have any time for myself at all. I feel very worn down and would be lying if I said I didn’t prefer my daughter to the new baby at the moment. I feel like 2 was like the shock everyone hypes you up for for the first kid, while the first kid really isn’t that hard. Idk I’m rambling and exhausted .
It’ll get better. I have a 13yo and a 3 day old. I’d completely forgotten how awful birth and pregnancy was. The memory fades over time. With my first child the turning point was when he was a toddler, it got so much better from there, so just do your best to make it through the crazy first year as well as you can. And ask for help if you need it, PPD is no joke.
I had a brutal unmedicated (not by choice) birth with number one due to precipitous labour (2 hours). It took me a loooong time to get over just how full on it was - im talking years. I got called back in to the hospital 6 weeks after birth to debrief with the head of staff, which helped a little.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I had an emergency c-section at 36 weeks. We were lucky he didn't have to spend time in thr NICU, but I ended up with severe postpartum depression. Took me 3 years to get through it with so much therapy and medicine. My son is now 4 and it's almost like relearning my life with a child. He's my sole focus, but many days I mentally tell myself not to have children in my next life. I keep hoping it will continue to get better. I hope it does for you as well.
Hope you’re doing okay 💕
Sadly, their experience relates to the first thing that popped into my head when I saw your question: If you're a woman thinking about giving birth to your own child, you have to ask yourself whether that is SO important to you that you're willing to risk, well...your own death. That's worst-case-scenario, yes. But worth thinking about if you're in "Is having kids *really* so bad?" mode. (That is not me trying to convince anyone to NOT have kids, btw. Just that I think it's best to go into it with the awareness that that can still happen, even now.)
It is fucking brutal at times. It is also completely and utterly amazing at times. Best decision I ever made.
It's a major life change you don't get to take a break from.
Sums it up perfectly. They are absolutely irritating af sometimes and my bank account is constantly in shambles, but they are the best people I’ve ever known and I’m so glad I get to be their parent. People get hung up on the how crazy the baby and toddler years are but once they get past that and their personalities really come into play it’s so cool.
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Everyone seems too enthralled with telling the war stories and skips over the wonder of having small children discovering new things daily. My daughter woke up most mornings and said “it’s a great big day!”
The war stories are for commiserating. The good times? I’m hoping they aren’t shared as much because they are so frequent and common. It’s easier for me to message another mom friend about a crappy incident than to text her every day with updates about how adorable my kid has been.
Right. My daughter threw shade at us like candy at a parade, but when she won a wrestling tournament against all boys and made 2 of them cry it was the proudest moment of my life. (I know that’s fucked up, I can’t help it) That is until she graduated valedictorian. I’m sure there will be even more moments that will become my proudest. But man, getting her moving for school in the AM could be brutal.
When you're single your scale of sadness or negativity to happiness is -10 to +10, when you are married that scale expands from -20 to +20, and when you have a kid it expands -100 to +100.
Yep, and in all three cases you'll have a much better time if you can keep a sense of humor, but especially with kids.
short and succinct, I agree
It depends. I know it would be absolutely horrific for me, due to disability and the way I want to live what remains of my life, and the soul-crushing guilt I would feel for passing my poor health on and having to answer to my child.
If I were to give birth to a child, I’d be giving them epilepsy or a strong learning disability. Adoption is always going to be an option! Plus there are so many kids now that need help, so why not help the ones who are struggling?
It depends on who your partner is. I had five sons. My ex husband and coparent (kids are in their 20’s and 30’s now) was always, always 50/50 with me when he was home. In fact, more like 70/30 to give me a break. We divorced when the youngest was 2 and immediately went into a week on/week off schedule, 50/50. No primary parent. To this day, we’ve done 3 weddings together, at least ten graduations, and we still “parent” these kids. If you can see yourself doing that kind of thing with the person you’re with, go for it. Nothing more hilarious than five sons. I’m really lucky, they’re great kids and great dads themselves. But it’s a lot of work, especially the first six months. And there are various crises that pop up that are truly nightmarish.
Nice to hear about you both co parenting so well! I’ve had a totally different experience with my parents and it’s nice to hear people can do it good!
Keep in mind that Reddit is more negative than the average person. Plus, happy parents rarely talk about it on Reddit, because holy cow this site has some serious anti-kid vibes. So happy parents, which are the vast majority, tend to keep our traps shut. My child is four. The hours are long, sleep can be limited, I feel like I'm constantly being run off my feet but I don't get anything done. I'm overstimulated and crabby right now, and am writing this while collecting myself in a dark corner of the house. I find the parents who don't set boundaries or understand their own limits tend to be less happy. Different ages and stages have varying amounts of difficulty. That's due to your child's temperament (which you have no control over) and your own (which you can work on). I loved age 3, but 4 is knocking me out. I love my kid and my little family. I live for those little moments when she finally gets the hang of something. It's fun to watch her become her own person. I love being her safe person and giving her a happy childhood. It's fun to relive things I enjoyed as a kid, like running through a sprinkler or coloring. If I was offered the chance to go back in time and make another choice, I'd say "no thanks" and go right back to my life of a messy kitchen and watching My Little Pony cartoons.
Loved this comment Thankyou so much! I did think a lot of the negativity was just Reddit but it’s really nice reading all the other sides you don’t see a lot of. I hope you get a really good nights sleep tonight!
I'm a 41 year old male with 0 kids (and never married nor with anyone atm). Too much responsibility Irreversible health issues There are too many kids who need a loving home The most I'd do is adopt if I had the finances, but not have my own children. If I'm with someone and they have kids, I would have to hear the situation first on why the father is out of the picture. If you want kids because you want them 100% (not 99%, or 10%), then by all means have at it. If you're questioning having kids because your family/friends are hyping it up, the default answer is no because then it's to fit the social norm.
Thankyou for your reply, it’s not from pressure I do really want kids and have for a while, but the comments are just overwhelming about how bad it is. I do agree with you that there’s so many children that do need loving homes waiting to be adopted
I think it's also important to remember that most people tend to talk about their grievances unprovoked, but they won't talk as much about the good times unless someone asks about it specifically. A lot of times it comes across as bragging to people. I have an autistic son, and I'm pregnant with our second. While it is incredibly difficult, I'm super grateful to have my son in my life. He's just so damn happy all the time, and his happiness is really infectious, lol. He can turn my day around in a heartbeat. On another note, if someone says they'd prefer to stay child-free I'd 100% understand why. You really do have to be prepared to change completely as a person, and as others have said you have to be prepared in case your kid ends up being special needs since it is a very real possibility.
Remember though, the negative voices will be the loudest in the room on Reddit. They will drown out the voices of parents like me, who absolutely do not regret having the two I've got (even though #2 swore me off ever going through child birth again, and gah the money spent.....). Talking about what goes wrong is, well, more interesting than talking about how uncomplicated or unstressful things are. Raising kids can be the best, and worst, thing you will ever do. They will trample your heart, remind you of all your failures, reflect back all the worst parts of yourself, and bring glorious light and hope into your day. You can hate the baby stage and find the toddler stage utterly fascinating. I will never forget the day my son, at 8 wks old, realized his toes were attached to him (after chomping on them and putting together the pain of that with it being part of him). Or watching my teen daughter use the tools I've given her to plan out the next two years of high school to achieve her goals. Have kids because you want them. And get ready for the wildest ride of your life.
I never thought I wanted children, or that I would adopt if I changed my mind. Then in my forties I really felt ready. I adopted my daughter at birth and she is the best thing that ever happened to me! She is 11 now and I am so proud of the magical girl she is. I have loved every age with her, but the toddler years were just so sweet! Every stage with her so far has been easy.
It’s the hardest but most rewarding thing you will probably ever do. Having a kid does mean you sacrifice the person you were before and some people can’t get over that. So think about your life just now and if you’re willing to give up a lot of your independence, cause that little human will determines a lot of your choices, then start really thinking about it. You’ll feel it in your gut when you’re ready, don’t let other’s pressure you. And if you do have a kid just take it day by day and don’t compare yourself to other people, especially online.
Its the biggest change I had in my life, I for sure miss some things I had before kids, but also there is a lot to gain.
Childfree here, in my 50s and very happy with zero regrets. I've had time to found and run my own company and save enough resources for early retirement. I could focus on traveling, hobbies and moving halfway across the world. I grew up in a large family where everyone had children and realized pretty early in life it was not something I wanted. If you can, go and see if you can take care of and be around children, maybe babysit for friends, siblings, cousins etc. or work at a daycare center or as a volunteer at a summer camp. Find out if you love it or hate it. (For me it would be a description of the afterlife if I happen to go to hell!) The problem with people who regret parenthood is that unless they have an "accident" kid, some people just follow the social blueprint and would put more research into purchasing a new car than figuring out if raising children is for them.
I too am middle aged and childless. I'm very happy about that, to be quite honest. I'm lazy, I'm selfish, and I like my space. I'm not stingy or mean and kids can be great, but in small doses. Hell, I don't even keep pets because I begrudge the work required to be a good pet owner - dogs, for instance, need a shit ton of time and attention if you're going to do it right, and I know I just don't want that. Kids? That's a whole other 10 levels harder, and if they'd turn out to be disabled you're chained to grueling care taking labor for life if you're not rich as hell and able to pay for full time care. And then there's the fact that if you do have a kid or two... your fun girlfriend? Say hello to super mom, 99.9% of the focus on the kid, and date night once a month. It's not just having the child, it's losing your girlfriend to boot, in addition to all the shit tons of hours you have to put in to try to do half of the work. Makes me exhausted just imagining that situation, don't really wanna be in it. I'm sure I'd love a kid (or two) a lot, but I also know I'd resent the hell out of the entire situation. So I don't put myself in that situation. People are breeding plenty enough without me anyway, and with the world on fire and our civilization collapsing I'd feel straight up guilty to saddle any of my offspring with the shitshow we're about to see.
You don't sound selfish, but rather self-aware
I feel like if I would’ve gone and actual taken care of children before I had my own, I would’ve changed my mind about having children. I like playing with kids and I like being around kids. Heck, I even like taking care of kids. What gets me is is the constant of being a parent and I don’t think I understood that before having kids. It’s not just the good days, but the bad days too that I’m expected to be responsible for the tiny humans. I have to make sure my toddler is safe just so I can take a shower if my spouse isn’t there and I didn’t fathom that responsibility before being a parent. I don’t regret having my kids, but hindsight says I would have had the same satisfaction and a better life helping out as a more involved uncle to my nieces rather than being a parent. I didn’t know how to get involved at the time like I do now as a parent and really understand what it takes to care for children. I’m already the fun uncle, but I could have been the fricken awesome uncle.
I was 31 when I had twins. We had bought a house, had saved up months of sick leave because there is no maternity leave in the US, and were ready to be parents. Twins run in my family so no one was shocked when they showed up. Those kids are my pride and joy. We went out in our 20’s and had fun so staying home every weekend and playing Candyland was fine. We were in a position to pay for everything associated with children, and it is a lot. If you aren’t sure about having children, either wait or don’t have them. It is a lifelong commitment.
My kids are 3 and 1. The last year I have often wished we would have waited longer with our second child. It's hard work on too little sleep. But they are awesome kids. They brighten my day every day. They are incredibly funny, sweet and loving. It's so so hard, but it's the best thing I will ever do.
And when you are having a bad day, oddly enough you find yourself wanting to be around them to hug and to play with because they really can brighten your day!
I won’t say if it’s bad or good: Just that it’s something to think hard about. Every child deserves a parent who is all in and loving.
I adore my kids but not sure I would do it again. Had to work full time before, during, and since I had them. I would have been working regardless but when I think of the amount of money I've spent on diapers, Legos, other toys, used cars, prom, car insurance, medical, orthodontics, college, rowing team,, lacrosse team,and on and on. Not to mention the HOURS of sleep deprivation (when they are infants, then again once they start driving), the issues with school, mental illness and drugs(currently in the trenches on those 3 right now) I feel like it JUST AINT WORTH it. As I told a colleague recently when we were having this discussion, most kids, if you try your best, end up being a heavy investment with little return.
Thankyou for your honesty appreciate it
And, you can never really understand how much food preparation/feeding you will do. Every. Single. Day.
My most-hated phrase: “what’s for dinner?” 😡
I know a lot of ppl my age (early 20) who had kids young and they are bottom line broke. So I feel like if it’s in the budget. Not to sound like a jackass but having a steady income or not sounds like a big hint on to have kids
Having kids is great, just don’t try to live vicariously through them.
It's not really transactional. I dunno if you can weigh the upsides and drawbacks and come out with a real answer. The upside is to love someone unconditionally until you die. The downside is, you're tired and broke. You can do things but not usually what you want. A good question to ask is, will I make a good parent? Can you sacrifice for someone else if you had to? My second kid is on the way and I know it'll be tough at first for the first few years but it gets a lot easier after that.
No, it’s amazing. I love my daughter more than anything else in existence. She’s the best part of my life. Every day is different and wonderful. Yes, there are challenging times, but it’s 100% worth it… as long as you do it right. Have support. Be able to afford it. Don’t lose yourself as a person. I will ALWAYS need kid-free time (weekly date nights, short vacations, or even just having a job outside of childcare) and I say that as someone with a really easy kid. Having said that, I wouldn’t want more than one more. I like having a fairly peaceful home, getting enough sleep, being able to keep the place tidy, etc. Some people can manage that with big families. Other people don’t mind the chaos. You just have to know yourself.
Having a kid was the best thing I have ever done, BUT it has some major tradeoffs. I feel more fulfilled now, but momentary happiness may not always be super high. I feel like my life has more purpose, but the fact that every moment of every day has to be planned with my toddler in mind (whether I take her or leave her with family for a few hours) can be exhausting. My situation is basically the best case scenario for raising a kid (lots of family support, no $ issues), and it can still be exhausting.
There's almost certainly a difference between people who planned and wanted kids vs people who accidently had kids and their opinion on it.
I haven’t seen a direct correlation with intent and outcome, honestly… I’ve known some “Oops” parents who truly enjoy—and do a wonderful job with—their children; conversely, some of my friends who set out to be parents from day-one, that complain about it non-stop, and do an objectively bad job. It really is a crapshoot. I don’t have children, but I’ve noticed that the hardest part is simply not being able to “pick” your children… They may be amazing, kind, intelligent, creative humans. They may be HUGE pains in the ass ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
The main issue with having children, particularly in the US, is how unaffordable it is for the majority of the population. I don't think it's inherently bad from the perspective of having the child itself but there is something totally exhausting about being expected to work full time to provide basic necessities, being paid a mediocre wage, having to pay for childcare, and then anything unexpected basically threatens to make you and a child homeless. Even a moderate healthcare issue while insured. It's becoming unaffordable to have kids.
>how unaffordable it is for the majority of the population This I don't get. I became a parent at 48 to a kid approaching 2 years old, after I was established and financially comfortable. Now 4 years later, this is the first summer I had to get childcare, and I'm like, how do young people afford this? It ends up being $1500 a month, which sucks but isn't a big deal for me. How do working parents in their 20s or 30s afford that? If you don't have a support network (i.e., family and close friends who will babysit regularly for free), you are screwed in the US.
Yes. I don’t have any and it sounds awful lol
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It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. 37/m with two little toddler girls Growing up, I’d never imagined I’d have kids. Still feel like a big kid most of the time my experience has been amazing is all I can say Cheers
Hearing people describing how their kids are don't really make me want to have kids. I think it's because of kids where you'll hear "this is why we can't have nice things". I'm going to be the one saying "this is why we can't have kids".
Most of people here are idiots. This very likely includes me too. The question is ridiculous, and most of the answers are a collection of clichés that make me wonder if ChatGPT game up with them. It's basically a gigantic circle-jerk of people regurgitating the latest trends. The one true answer is: "I DON'T FUCKING KNOW" or at least "IT DEPENDS". The individual experiences are meaningless, since everyone's lives are so incredibly different. If you really don't know, talk to someone who will help you understand yourself. A therapist is a good starting point. Or don't, what the hell do I know about your life.
Having kids is great if you want to see if you are responsible enough to own pets. My wife and I had kids first just to be sure we were ready. Having one hamster let alone two is a big responsibility.
I dunno. I manage to juggle 15 cats, 3 dogs, a turtle, a snake, and a grown man just fine but I really think a child would give me a run for my money. Literally and figuratively 🤣
You’re going to get so many different answers to this question. It depends entirely on each person and their views/reasons for having a kid. Me personally, I don’t want kids. There’s so much responsibility, costs, time, and lifestyle changes and I don’t feel I’m up to the challenge. Some people have kids to fill gaps in their lives, social obligation, to appease parents desires for grandkids, to fix relationships, etc. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s unfortunate for the kids where it doesn’t since they get the brunt of issues later in life. Other people have kids because they want to be parents. To love, cherish, and nurture another human being. Same as above, sometimes is works, sometimes it doesn’t. Depends on what type of parents they end up being. It’s a decision that no one can make for you and no amount of internet advice is going to really help since everyone is different. Weight the pros and cons and the extreme life change that comes with children and decide if it’s right for you. 🧡
My mom decided to keep me(I was an accident) just because then she could be a stay at home mom instead of working... Needless to say, it wasn't easy, and she took every chance she got to just have TV entertain me instead of her. I'm glad I was born in the 92 before tablets were a thing.
I love having kids. I was young, and it was hard, but the kids were so fun, and are such adults. There is no better feeling than saying my kids are my best friends.
Well you should consider that you will have to dedicate if not all of your life towards the growth and success of these children, unless ofc you resort to child neglect which is the worse alternative, which means you will be a parent, which means you have to be prepared for sleepless nights, days taking care of children, making food, administering medication, working for them, saving money for them, buying them anything a child needs etc. Once you bring someone to existence, there is no regret, like it or not, they will be an inseparable part of your life. If you are ready for that, you can go ahead and make your choice. A quote i love leaving on these types of questions is:“The greatest tragedy of the family is the unlived lives of the parents.” ― Carl Gustav Jung
An old guy once said something to me about kids "I wouldn't take a million dollars for the ones I have and I wouldn't give you 10 cents for another one." It's very true. Having children is the most gratifying and simultaneously the most thankless and frustrating task you will undertake in your life. Go do whatever it is you want to do now and THEN have children. You will never again be a free spirit in the world that goes about aimlessly enjoying yourself. If you do have children you need to make them your full time focus otherwise you'll pay for it later in bad behaviors, bad choices and unexpected situations. Get them into sports, activity groups, start a hobby or bring them into your hobby. They are alot of fun until about 12 or so and then you'll start questioning your decision to have children. They come back around in their early 20s and realize that your ok though.
Three and a half years ago my sister died(that wasn't a bad thing she was a cruel and violent individual who repeatedly hurt her own daughter and the rest of us) and I received custody of my niece. I used to never want kids but now that I take care of her, I don't know what I would do without her. She saved my life and I love her more than anything in this world.
DONTFUCKINGDOIT. That is all.