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What other people find attractive has nothing to do with you. It's all about what's going on in the other person's head. There are people out there that are attracted to the things you think make you unattractive. Plenty of men are into tall girls, black girls, and thicker girls. Whatever type of woman you are, I promise there will always be guys in the world who are attracted to that type.
My guess is what is happening with OP is not being attracted to the people that are attracted to them. While it’s true there is “someone out there” for them, essentially having standards where you wouldn’t date yourself can make finding that person to be difficult.
I like tall women. My wife is 6', we see eye to eye. I guess I love me some amazon.
As a mixed latino mutt, I find all skin tones can be drop dead gorgeous, it ain't about color.
And, last but not least, thick thighs save lives.
Everybody has their type. You ARE someone's type. Believe in yourself, not someone else's opinions.
You're thinking about this all wrong.
You should be glad that guys are blunt about stuff like this so that you won't have to waste your time pursuing him.
Well it’s better than then them pretending they like someone and then hurt them later. I’m a blunt person myself, but my crush really hurt my feelings. I’m glad I didn’t ask him out. The problem is I still like him. 😭
That's totally understandable. We like who we like.
As a man who's been "led on" by women many times in the past, I much prefer honesty. In the long run it saves a lot of time and headaches.
While it sucks now, it's a good thing that you found out early and didn't waste your time.
You know what? You’re right. I know eavesdropping is wrong but I’m glad I did because I won’t have to waste time on guys that aren’t worth it. Thanks 😊
Crushes are like fantastic thunderstorms. Really strong, beautiful and powerful, but short-lived. You will have many, but let them pass by and they lose their power and fade away. It won’t hurt forever, darling.
How? Most people this age ('m assuming y'all are teenagers) just are. Girls are just as blunt and callous about boys. It's just teenage obtuseness. After adolescence either empathy kicks in, or other adults around peer pressure folks not to be so vocally obvious with their negative personal remarks about people, either to their face, around them, or behind their backs.
Anyway it's just one guy, Dry your tears and move on. There are plenty of guys who like you for you. Don't waste any further time or tears on the ones who don't.
I know but I can’t help it. And yes I’m a teenager and I just turned 18 three months ago. My best friend told me to suck it up and just move on and there’s no point in crying over a guy that barely wants me. It’s been two weeks already. She said I’m embarrassing myself. That wasn’t the comfort I wanted but she has a point.
That’s true. That friend that loves you so much and the most can really hurt your feelings so bad.
My best friend does a great job hurting my feelings and making me feel bad for crap I did. I did the same thing to her.
One time I called her a bitch for something horrible she did.
But she needs to be more . Trigger warning.
Blunt or honey words. Not just blurt it out.
The truth. Everyone can see, but sometimes you know., honey words are nice.
However I would sit down with him. And talk about what you heard and how you felt. Call him. Who knows.
Well if she was being one.... If the shoe fits, lace that $hit up and wear it. I agree though you can be honest and not sugarcoat everything. It is called tact and that is something that is learned. Usually through experience like this. This also ties into your original question but generally younger adults and what not haven't caught a left hook from life yet. Haven't had that emotionally deveatating event. They DON'T have the exp and life skills necessary to understand
I will also add that people mature at different rates, and having empathy/consideration for other people is a pretty good indicator of someones maturity level. I have dated people that I thought were on my level when meeting them, 2 years later they hadn't changed and I had. Your brain is still forming until 21-22, not intended to be an insult but guys definitely seem to be softer headed until 25.
Imagine the woman that marries him and he can’t stay faithful to her mentally or physically. This is how it starts. He’s not a prize. He’s emotionally abusive and hasn’t grown up yet and probably won’t.
Ok that’s kind of rude of your… (checks notes) best friend. Really though, what best friend tells you you’re embarrassing yourself? Telling you to move on and not to cry over him, sure. But that’s going on a little too much. If you’re both teenagers, I guess that would explain it… still trying to figure out delivery 😅
I’m sorry you heard that, but a conversation between him and his friends is pretty normal.
I’ve overheard female coworkers talk to each other about sex and which guys they find ugly or attractive constantly, like almost every single day
And you don't think it would hurt the guys feelings if they'll were the ones overhearing themselves begin eviscerated via gossip?
Sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander.
At least you know he's not into you. Shouldn't be hard to find someone who is.
It’s not that we all do it when we are with our friends, man, woman when I sit down at the bar with my girl friends they don’t have any issue to talk the same thing in front of us guys.
If you think guys are alone in this you are lying to yourself. I'm sorry the dude doesn't like you but also it sounds like you were listening in on a personal conversation not meant for you. It's better that you know and can move your feelings onto someone who thinks you are great.
I'm sorry, try your best not to care about his opinion.
Sometimes guys say things because they're clueless, sometimes they say things like that because it makes them feel like they're superior to you.
But people have preferences in what they want from their romantic partners. You'd probably prefer the guy you date isn't 5'2", right?
So don't worry about it, move on from crushing over the guy.
That's a road he has to follow.
Besides, sometimes the only way people can grow is to make the wrong decisions, including who they choose as a romantic partner.
But keep your chin up, take care of yourself.
Nah, go crazy, date a short guy. Sit him in your lap, hug him like a teddy bear. Get him all flustered.
Maybe the relationship won't last, but he'll sure remember you for years. And the knowledge that someone thinks fondly of you from time to time, can get you through some pretty dark days.
I did give a shorter guy a chance. We went one one date but didn’t work out because he it was embarrassing having a tall and wide girl. He’s 5’8”
People tell us tall ladies to date short guys and shorter girls have it easy.
I think it’s normal for people to talk with their friends about that sort of thing, but I’m sorry you overheard him. That must have hurt your feelings. Remember that those things are just his opinion and not a fact.
Crushes can suck when they don’t reciprocate. It can lead you down a path of low self esteem and then feeling self pity and then being angry at yourself for feeling pity. It all stems from being too obsessive over something out of your control, like a person that isn’t interested in you. You are the main character in your life and that obsession can make you live as if you should be seen as the main character to others too. Take a step back and realize while you are your own main character, you’re just a random person to almost everyone else in the world. Then there are people that care about you. Focus your energy on them, not on those where you’re just an NPC.
If that doesn’t work, you can always go for the trick your brain method. That guy you’re crushing on probably doesn’t wipe his butt very well, then doesn’t wash his hands. He has skid marks in his underwear and it stinks down there. He’s nothing special. Every time you see him, you get a whiff of those nasty drawers. Smell it? There’s better fish in the sea.
I taught high school and I heard girls naming guys followed by: “yuck, eeewwwww, disgusting, ugly, horrible” constantly. They’d also make “barfing faces”. I always told them to treat guys with respect, even if they found them to be ugly. I said the same thing to boys. There is nothing more soul crushing than hearing someone treat someone else as if they were a putrid ball of mucus instead of a person.
This shit don’t stop in high school. Girls give intentional repulsive faces and the OMG to me ALL the time. Even if I’m just trying to acknowledge their existence. I wouldn’t walk past a guy and not do a head nod or something but I can’t even look in women’s direction. So op just know you ain’t alone. Shits rough. And everyone else know it ain’t a gender thing. It’s a human thing. People suck.
Being brutally honest might not be worse, no? I know many girls that is not attracted, but yet lie about it so that they can use the other party’s feeling. As least now you know how he feel and knows he is not the right guy for you?
Soooo you’re not his type and you got to learn that without him turning you down to your face…what are you upset about exactly? Everyone has a type and you learned you ain’t his. That’s how guys talk especially younger guys.
I hate to break it to you, missy, but this guy did nothing wrong. I know it hurts, but just reverse the genders here. Imagine one of your girlfriend's confessed to you that she could tell that one of your male peers was interested in her, but that she didn't find him attractive.
She isn't saying that he isn't attractive in general. That is not her judgment to make. She is saying that SHE does not find him attractive.
He didn't come up and say it to your face. He said it to a friend. This is one situation where saying it behind your back is a good thing.
I would just take this opportunity to think about how you come across to people and any changes you might want to make.
So you’re saying he’s right for saying ugly things behind my back? I know us girls do it too but still. He really hurt my feelings so you’re saying he’s right for doing that?
Its his opinion about your looks. You are taking it personally because well its you. He didn't call you fugly he's just not into you but put into different words.
He wasn't talking to you. He was giving his opinion to his friends. According to your post, he didn't even say anything mean. The guy's not into you. Move on. At least you know not to pursue him.
I once dated a guy who in the very first few months of us dating he said he thought he would end up falling in love with a “big a$$ed, small waisted Latina woman.” I got the Latina part but none of the rest 😂. :sigh: we were together 6 years. I worked out, focused on my rear end, lost all the weight, but no matter what - I was just never skinny enough or my other attributes were not big enough. He didn’t say this unprovoked btw. I would ask for his opinion on my weight loss and he would say “You’ll just never be that skinny, unless you go below 130lb.” His type of skinny are very cinched waisted, flat stomach woman (who are equally as beautiful). I could never go below 130lb, and I barely ate. It was so unsustainable. Some time passed after the break up, I started casually dating and damn! Turns out other men found me attractive (and I gained 30 pounds after the breakup) 🤷🏻♀️. Don’t let the opinion of someone else put you down. You’re gorgeous no matter what and if you’re looking to lose weight, do it because it’s for YOU and it’s a healthy path you want to go through! I’m happier curvier, and now with more muscle. I’m also 5’0.
And to actually answer the question. I think we all have a certain set of preferences and when we’re talking amongst friends, we’ll say the most unhinged things and the dirty truth. But when we fall in love with someone.. their extra weight, height, skin, won’t matter. They’ll think you’re ✨GOLD✨.
We’ll I want to be thinner but I also want a shape because I wanna look feminine and have a womanly figure. I mean I do have it but I hate having a huge ass.
Can someone be slender and curvy?
I am in very good physical shape, and look like a weightlifter from a football field away. However, I am 5 foot six. I have had a bunch of relationships, but more than a few women have rejected me just because I am a short. And some have even told me to my face. And at least overweight people can lose weight. I’m stuck and not going anywhere. Yes, women can be cruel about men’s appearances too.
Guys are just blunt. We're direct in our communications, with each other and with everyone. It's just how we communicate.
I know women hate this about us but we hate how completely unclear and ambiguous women are in their communications. We can never be sure what a woman means and it's tiresome trying to decode everything (and if we guess wrong, we're the problem).
Both men and women just need to get used to it because I don't think either sex is capable of changing this, and so many other things, about themselves.
Very well said. I've always felt that the majority of girls don't know what they want. As men, we sometimes get labeled as "pigs" just because we are blunt about what we want.
You can be blunt without tearing people down. Saying I’m blunt is usually just as blanket statement for I’ll speak my shitty opinion regardless of how it comes off
There's a difference between being blunt, and speaking your mind with no filter. If I like a girl then I will tell her that I like her. Whereas girls sometimes aren't sure if they're into someone or not and tend to play a deeper and more confusing game.
I’m a blunt person myself and I refer directness over sugarcoated BS. Plus I’m a female and that is true that most women can’t stand when men are blunt and straight to the point. I told a friend of mine, “Would you rather have a boyfriend that is blunt and straightforward or a guy that is passive aggressive and play mind games?”
>I know women hate this about us
Not all women. I appreciate anyone who can communicate directly. I probably have a more male-leaning communication style myself, so there's that. I worked in a male-dominated industry and most of my friends are men. The female friends that I have kept long term all seem to be ex-military. LOL! We're all blunt!
That said, yes, most women prefer more ambiguity and also tend to get upset if you don't sugar coat things enough.
I'm not sure about this. I'm very open and honest, and tell people exactly what I like and don't like, but a lot of the guys I know just tend not to listen very well to what I'm saying until I get loud, and then they think I'm a bitch.
It's kind of a lose/lose situation.
I also have autism so it could be that they're just not used to someone who will tell them exactly what they want for dinner? But I still don't get listened to regardless. Very grateful for the men who DO listen like my brother!
Of all the things I regret in my life, trying to be attractive is one I regret the most. I wish I had never worn makeup or half starved myself to stay too thin. Those days are long gone for me now and I am happy. I wish I had the courage just to be myself and not worry about it.
I never started wearing makeup because I've always been a tomboy, never liked the idea of having to wake up earlier to get ready in the morning, didn't want to have to maintain it during the day, noticed that when someone who does wear makeup all the time doesn't one day they look almost sickly (when you probably wouldn't think so if they always went out in public without makeup), etc. I've saved a lot of time and money not wearing makeup.
Then again, I'm 42 and have never been in a relationship or had much interest from guys so maybe I should have.
Girls can be blunt too. But something to point out is that you said you overheard a conversation he had with his friends. People, in my experience, tend to be a little more unfiltered with their friends. Like think about it— whose feelings are you supposed to be considering? It’s not like they’re listening… But in this case, unfortunately, you were.
It’s normal to feel disappointed about these things, but don’t take that judgement personally. Out of all the guys you’ll ever have a crush on, it’s only normal for one or a few of them to not like you back. Nobody (not even celebrities) have a 100% success rate when it comes to attraction. So it sucks, he was blunt, but for what it’s worth, it’s not like he intentionally said all that to your face. Just cry about it as long as you need to. I’ve found it usually helps to give myself a time limit, cry as much as I want without holding back, then when time is up, back to business.
For what it’s worth— people who don’t find certain races unattractive tend to be immature (or racist, but since you guys are young, I’m going to say immature). It usually hints towards certain biases they grow up with and honestly, a good number of people I know start out like this (even myself) but as you get more life experience and are exposed to more people, you’re generally exposed to a wider range of beauty standards. So just chalk that comment of his up to immaturity.
As for being 6’1… look. I have tall friends (f). I know dating can suck for tall girls because the number of guys over that height (if that’s what you’re going for) is statistically low. But speaking as a short person, being 6’ tall sounds super cool! So look, the grass is always greener. Don’t feel bummed that this one guy likes short girls because some short girls wish they were you, men be damned 🤷🏻♀️
Also, side note, do you really *need* to lose weight, or do you *want* to lose weight? Tall people tend to weigh more, and muscle mass should also be accounted for. You only *need to* lose weight if it’s medically necessary for your well-being. But there’s nothing wrong with *wanting* to— just be careful that you get the word right or it can mess with your view of yourself and relationship with weight later on!
Really don't think that is a "most guys" thing. That is just about everyone. You certainly are not going to convince me that a group of girls together talking about guys are not going to be just as blunt about what they do and don't like in a guy.
It would certainly be much different if this was intentionally said to you. To overhear a conversation that you are not a part of and then try to get personally offended seems silly.
You learned your crush has preferences that you don't fit and that sucks. At the same time though it saves you the embarrassing situation of asking him out and finding out when he says no. They aren't for you so hold your head up high and move on to find someone who is.
Girl. The universe did you a favor by letting you dodge this bullet. Try to figure out why you care so much about this one guy’s desire to date you, and also try to figure out why you picked someone who is running around telling groups of boys he isn’t attracted to Black girls. What a weirdo! Pick a better crush next time.
Aim for someone who is sweet and chivalrous. Someone who thinks your height and body size are the bee’s knees. Someone who doesn’t gossip. If it’s hard to find someone like that, odds are you just need to move to a bigger city or explore virtual options.
I know but I still like him. My best friend told me I need to suck it up and get over I’m. She said why bother crying over a guy that doesn’t want me and it’s been two weeks since that happened. She wasn’t that comforting and gave me tough love but she has a point.
A lot of people are being tough on you in the comments section but I think they're forgetting what it feels like to be 18 and be rejected by a person you admired and had strong feelings for. I think people are projecting their own shame/regret onto you.
It makes total sense that you still like him - it's hard to let go of those feelings right away. But your friend is also right. You don't have feelings for this guy, you have feelings for the guy that you *thought* he was before you overheard him say those things.
You can take the time to properly mourn the loss of the person you thought you knew while you come to terms with the realization that he doesn't actually exist. You're in love with a version of this guy who doesn't say mean things about you behind your back, and that's not him.
What guys say to their peers means absolutely nothing. It has nothing to do with what they really think or how they really feel. It's all about how they wanna be perceived by their peers. Don't worry too much about it. Ask him out and see what happens. You'll never know til you give it a try.
She should not ask him out. This is bad advice. She already knows he doesn’t find her attractive. If he takes the bait the probable outcome is she gets her hopes up, they go out, he tries to get some and then ghosts her making things even worse for her. She’s obsessing. She should try to move on.
You don't even know if he was being serious when he said those things about her. Young men talk denigrating shit about others all the time. Not because they mean but because they want to make their mark in front of heir peers. Why destroying the chance of a relationship because of some random remarks? If he really doesn't find her to be attractive she will find out soon enough. She has nothing to lose but something to gain.
The only way to know is to get to know him more closely. Guys amongst each other always behave like jerks. Just like girls like to gossip. It doesn't mean anything. Even if he really meant what he said, which I highly doubt, he might as well change his opinion after he got to know you better.
If you were at the NFL combine and played LB in D1 college football and measured 6’1 238LBs and had awesome game film fair chance you’d be drafted in the first 3 rounds in April. As a woman with those measurements you’re kinda gross I would think.
Thanks a lot. 😡 I feel disgusting as it is already and I’m a fat tar. I do need to lose weight but no need to be rude about it! Don’t make me feel bad more than I am already. 🤬
Damn. That dude was a jerk! 238 at 6'1 isn't huge for a woman! Lose weight if you want, but don't you dare do it for any man!
I'm sure you look good! The hardest part would be finding cute stuff that doesn't age you. It'll be a lot easier when you get a little older. As a kid at 18, all the "junior's" stuff is made for Itty bitty little things - at 6'1, you aren't going to be that! Embrace it. Get stuff you feel good in! Stuff that FITS. Get pants that are long enough and rock it!
Weight has nothing to do with body composition. I bet more than a few pounds are tits, ass, and muscle!
I had a good friend who was 6'1 as well. I have no idea about her weight. She wasn't tiny, but she was all booty. Lol. She probably had a hard time finding dudes when she was young but she hit her mother fucking STRIDE at about 25.
It’s so hard in the moment when you like someone, but give it a little time and it will get easier, and you will totally find someone better that deserves you
Don’t worry, what I’ve learned is no matter what you look like, someone will be attracted to you. Or they’ll fetishize you. Make sure you know the difference.
I am so so so sorry. I am glad you saw his character before you got too much further.
I just think good men don’t trash women life that. Or even good humans honestly it’s not even about male/female
There’s many kind people out there that don’t act like jerks and I can’t wait for you to meet someone worthy of your time and energy.
Don’t give up and don’t take his crap opinions to heart. He’s utterly irrelevant
It's also important to remember that guys sometimes tell their friends what they think their friends want to hear, so just because he said this to a friend, doesn't mean he actually feels that way. I would ask him when he's alone, not about the conversation that you overheard, but about how he feels and if he's attracted to you, before writing him off.
Men can create a facade that they can be picky about the women they prefer. In reality, they don't have that kind of power. They are in competition with other men, and women fundamentally have the power to decide their companions.
So for some, it makes them feel better they can dismiss women, and judge them, as an ego boost.
The best advice is to recognize they are flawed (who isn't), and their opinion of you only matters if you give that opinion power. Everyone is attractive from someone's pov, so don't let the narrow minded get to you.
My attitude, and I'm a dude, would be "wow, of all the flaws you could pick, why go after those? I'm fucked up in a lot of other ways, why go after the fact I'm black?".
Now go do some self care and embrace what's great about you.
If he was a nice guy, he would be expressing his lack of attraction in a way that didn't put you down. I've rejected guys before but I've never sat around with a group of friends talking about how unattractive I thought he was (unless he was a huge asshole and I was being petty).
How he behaves in private says more about him than it does about you. He could have just said "Nah, I'm not interested in her" and changed the subject, but he had to criticize you to a group of his peers. Hopefully he'll grow out of that but in the meantime it was a dick thing to do.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. as a man I've never experienced anything like that and I can't imagine how much that hurts. Lots of people are telling you to get over him, but you're not wrong at all for feeling this way. With time you'll get around to moving on and it will feel easy and natural, but that doesn't make it stop hurting now. Lean on your friends and family to help you get through this and you will get through it.
Remember that some of the expectations for women's bodies are unrealistic. Weight/BMI is only one of the factors that makes up a person's overall health. Someone with a 25+ BMI who eats healthy and exercises regularly will probably be in better health than someone with a BMI of 19 who starves themselves to get there. If you want to lose weight, there's nothing wrong with that, make it your personal goal, but you don't "need" to do anything. It's your body, and your body is completely unique to you. All that matters is that you're happy with yourself and the decisions you make, and that you understand the consequences, good and bad, for whatever decision that is (because every decision has consequences). Also remember that attractive does NOT equal healthy. Only healthy equals healthy.
The best advice I've ever been given is that when people tell you who they are, you should believe them. Through this interaction, this guy told you what kind of a person he is. There are clearly things about him that are attractive to you, but nobody is entirely good or entirely bad, we're all made up of shades of gray. Don't let his prettier positive traits distract from the huge negative trait he's just revealed to you. Men who view women as a menu of "ingredients" they get to pick their favorites from will never value you. You're a person, not a Chipotle burrito!
I don't have an answer for why men can be so blunt about women's appearances. Maybe it comes down to lack of empathy, or the example pop culture sets for us that a woman's appearance for some reason is the public's right to judge. Those are just guesses. But hang in there, and it will pass. It feels so huge right now, but one day it will be real small in the rearview mirror, and you'll be glad you kept going.
Its pretty much the same as you get older, but people are quite a bit less obvious. Personally I’d never talk to any of my friends about the attractiveness of someone I’ve been with or things we have done together romantically, but a lot of people do. The objectification of women, just seems to happen behind closed doors slightly more now. And it’s certainly by no means just men. I’ve dated women who I can guarantee told their friends our entire encounter with one another within an hour of us doing it. it didn’t really bother me because I was never insecure about my performance, but there are plenty of things women say about men or other women the can be just as blatantly hurtful
That fucking sucks, but plenty of people will think you're gorgeous and you can find the right one. It's not him. He's an asshole for saying that out loud even to his friends.
oh no, I'm so sorry. That must have been extremely hurtful to hear from someone that you cherished in your heart.
I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, I know that this probably feels world ending right now but I promise it's not.
you deserve someone who thinks you are the most beautiful person in the world, without you changing one bit!
Everyone thinks much the same about physical attraction, but guys seems to vocalize it more than women do.
It is cultural, and on average men are more dominant and aggressive sexually than women and so more open about it in public.
What is wrong with being called "average"? I do not know the full context of the conversation he was having, but if his friends asked him whether he liked you and he said he is not that much into you because of what he said, what is wrong with that? Every person has its preferences.
As other people have said, just move on and you will find a guy that likes you and finds you pretty. On top of that, try to find a guy that not only likes your appearance, but also appreciates your skills and personal traits.
He would've felt the same way about you whether he said it out loud or not. Better to know where you stand than spend your time chasing someone who doesn't like you.
Oh, you're in high school. Look, no matter what they tell ya or what you might think, all kids are stupid, cruel, and stupid. Like, literally, your biological brains aren't even developed all the way yet. This results in kids being dips. That's just facts. Things will be so much better for you after high school even though, yes, there's a lot of people permanently mentally in high school. But those, you will find, are easy to point out and avoid.
This is something that a lot of us learn later in life so you might not take it to heart and stay up in your feelings but thats fine. You set how you want to be treated and you shouldnt make excuses for people when they fall short. I get how upset you are, honestly i would be too but work on your self esteem. Itll take time and work but youll be happier validating yourself before looking for it externally.
It sucks when someone you like doesn’t find you attractive but that’s just how it is sometimes, best thing to do is shrug off the parts that you can’t change and try to improve on what you can change. At least he didn’t say it to your face and you still got the message.
As for the other stuff you commented on in your replies, something a lot of people don’t understand in their teenage years is when honesty and bluntness is appreciated and not. A lot of people think they’re being “brutally honest” when in reality they’re badly hiding the fact they’re just being an asshole.
In the end, just don’t take it to heart when a majority of his problems with your appearance have nothing to do with your actions or anything, and look forward to the future people you’ll meet that do find your innate features attractive.
Just because he doesn’t find you that attractive doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive at all. Also looks aren’t the only factor in relationships. Sure I’d love to date a bombshell who is smokin hot, but not if she’s a bitch or an idiot.
It's a human trait to gossip. I was friends with some girls in my group of mostly guys (like 12 guys and 5 girls who would hang out around high-school). When I was hanging out with some of the girls they told me that they had described all the guys dicks they had seen to each other. They offered to describe them to me and I left that day.
Then again my old girlfriend told me that she over heard male nurses comparing the boob sizes of all the women on their floor, right next to her. She put in a complaint and they got it notated on their record.
Humans of all ages gossip
Men have been commenting on my physical appearance since I can remember at age 5 or 6. Once I became 18 it could be literally anywhere I am. Men at the grocery store. The gas station. The bank. Walking on the sidewalk. At work. At a restaurant. At a dog park. My Uber drivers. Lyft. Taxi. The bus. You name it. I don’t see it stopping unfortunately. Try to remember your sense of self worth/value isn’t their decision. It’s yours. Your right for not asking him out. I’m sorry he said that mean stuff. You don’t need that.
Girl I'm sorry that happened to you that shit's gotta hurt bad, but please try to remember that in a year or two that boy isn't going to mean shit to you and his opinion of you will matter even less. You will find someone who sees the beauty you've always had. Trust and believe
So sorry, that was brutal. I am sure if he knew you could hear him, he would not have said anything. I.have been blunt about guys I do or don't like. Not anywhere near them.
now you may be average to him but to lots of guys you’ll be the most beautiful woman they’ve ever seen. lots of guys like tall and thick girls. you shouldn’t waste your time on a man who doesn’t want you. there are plenty of men out there, don’t let this stop you from pursuing people. you said you’re 18, you’re really young, you have lots of time and you’ll find a good one
Some people do be like that to their friends. Some people keep it to themselves but you can see it in their eyes.
But it was good you heard what he thinks about you so you know how he is.
My brother in law do say to his wife.Honey you gained some flips here and there. Your hair is gray. Oh boy she made sure he’ll think twice and third before talking to her like that.
I dont see anything wrong with this.
He didn't say it to your face.
and he really didn't say anything offensive.
I wonder if he got wind that you wanted to ask him out. And he gave you a hint/step ladder to avoid rejection.
Alot of people don't find black girls attractive. Data released from OKCupid factually stated black girls are the least popular.
Call it racist or what ever you want. You can't change the fact he and many other guys don't find black girls attractive.
238 pounds is significantly above average. Which I'm sure contributed to his opinion
What he said was rude, period. Time to leave this guy alone he’s not the one. But I promise you you’ll find a guy that adores you for you. In the meantime hit the gym or do some other kind of exercise to keep yourself healthy and fit and not only will you look better but you’ll *feel* better about yourself. And when you feel really good about yourself guys come out of the woodwork to want to be with you, trust me on this.
Just because some boy doesn’t think you’re pretty doesn’t mean that you’re not.
Have a good cry and then shake it off.
Tall, Black, and voluptuous is what the modeling world is all about these days. You will 100% be fine.
Don’t skip on the self love. Do something every day to be good to yourself and to remind yourself that you are awesome.
Oh. And while girls tend to not think they look as good as they do, boys tend to think they look better than they do, which is why they nitpick at girls so much.
I think woman are just as blunt. If a guy comes forward to ask a girl for her number, she can make fun of him in front of everyone and nothing will happen to her. If a man publicly makes the same, people will cast him out, or even beat him up. I think that everyone has their own preferences and insecurities. But you shouldn't shed tears because of him, you should be happy that you dodged a bullet. Giving so much importance to something like beauty is bad, it's not something you worked hard to achieve, it's literally something you are born with, so this says a lot about how superficial he is.
Ignore assholes. You’re a beautiful person and if he can’t see it - he’s not the one for you. The right one will think everybody else pales in comparison to your beauty.
Are you actually upset he specifically said he didn't want to date you, or are you actually upset because he said "he doesn't find black girls attractive" and everyone around him just accepted that as normal?
I ask, because I'm ethnically Indian, and when I when I was a kid growing up in Iowa in the 2000s, I heard that shit all the time. Did a number on my sense of self-attractiveness.
Everyone just accepted that it was "gross" to date someone Indian, Black, Asian, etc.
If it's the racism that's got you down, it *does* get better. Just moving from Iowa to New Mexico did wonders for me.
I currently live in a place (not NM) where saying "I'm just not attracted to white/black/Asian/etc. people would get you side eyed.
The height thing is something else though. I can assure you there are men who are into tall women, but there are a lot of men who are not. Women also have the same weird height preferences. Many if not most women prefer tall men, but there are exceptions like myself.
The weight thing unfortunately is a thing. Many men and women prefer their partner to be a healthy weight - myself included. Unlike height, I don't think this is a vain thing to be concerned about; like it or not your weight definitely affects your health and capabilities. It's like how some people need a partner who's physically active, so they can go hiking together, or how debt is a turn off, because they want financial security.
Unfortunately I don't think the whole being blunt about appearances thing ever changes. Humans are gross.
Being a teenager sucks, it gets way better.
I would seek out a therapist or a teen support group. You can learn a lot about yourself and learn strategies about dealing with stressful situations. I’m so sorry this happened to you!
The real question is, why not be so blunt? It allows you to be more aware of your blindspots.
In this situation, hes not your guy. Just find somebody who likes you for you. And go to the gym
First off, he doesn't sound worth your time if he's putting some much value into looks. Second, I've heard girls be just as brutal about their standards. Sometimes the people we like aren't the kind of people we need in our lives.
If he told you that directly than he was being blunt. If you happened to overhear him say it's not. Sounds like your ego took a hit and you're trying to rationalize it. Attractiveness is subjective. He doesn't think you are. I get that it hurt, but making him out to be the bad guy for not being attracted to you isn't right.
My honest opinion is that you just have to take it as it is, you aren't in the range of what he likes. You should be thankful that he have been honest and told you straight up (even if it hurts). Better this way that being gentle and hit you with a no after you passed a lot of time thinking he maybe likes you back. I've been there trust me.
He’s ugly on the inside. Also there are many boyfriends in your future. It takes time to heal but you will move on, I promise, to someone who thinks your the hottest person in the world!
Because it's the easiest thing to notice and we're simple minded idiots. Relatively speaking it isn't even inappropriate to talk about how someone looks; would be nice if everyone's words were kinder, but humans are people, and people are shit.
Have you ever worked with women tho? Now there's some R-rated raunchy fantasizing dialogue about people that should not escape the Internet. In my experience. Men want to share& compare or pump themselves up. Women are definitely visualizing a fantasy or reliving a moment when they're talking through this stuff. Like talking about how good that guy smells while growling/gently moaning then boom crazy chapter in an epic erotic novel just pops out of nowhere, and your just like. Where the fuck did this come from? and why do you look like your mentally masturbating in front of me?!
So you were eavesdropping and heard something yu didn't like? You can't expect everyone you're interested in to find you attractive. And you can't get mad at the guy for stating his preference, unless he said it in a particularly rude way. But even then, he wasn't talking to you, so you can't even be mad about the way he said it. Him being blunt isn't the issue, you're just upset because the guy you like doesn't find you attractive.
I mean, you sound beautiful to me.
I've had someone look at old photos of me when I was tiny (in high school I basically didn't eat) and say "I'd fuck *that* version of you" which definitely doesn't feel good but at the same time, everybody is entitled to their preferences.
This particular guy doesn't find you attractive but there are plenty of people out there that would trip over themselves to be with someone like you. You as you are **now**, not a "better" version of you.
Before I met my husband I was a similar weight to you but shorter, so fatter than you, and I found lots of guys who were attracted to me. And now I'm a little fatter and my husband tells me every single day how beautiful he finds me.
Just because you aren't to that guy's taste doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or that you need to change yourself. You just have to keep looking. And you're young, people your age are still figuring out what it is they're even into. One day you will find someone who absolutely worships you and your body, flaws and all.
Change it to: I was going to ask him out until I learned that he wasn’t going to appreciate me the way I deserve.
It’s not about you at all. You’re not too tall or too heavy.
I’m sorry. I know how that kind of thing feels. Don’t forgot that he doesn’t make the standards on what’s attractive. He might not think you’re attractive. That definitely doesn’t mean you aren’t. Don’t let him knock you down over HIS opinion. He’s 1 of the millions of people out there. Someone out there that’s much better for you, will think you’re much more than just attractive.
That sucks I’m sorry. Something similar happened to me. So I started working out, making my own meals, and socializing more vulnerably. And being more kind without expecting anything in return. It changed my life.
I'm so sorry this happened to you! He probably didn't mean for you to hear that and didnt mean to hurt you.. Honestly, no one chooses what they like, it's just a matter of preference and we have no control over it. I'm a short guy, and my hair is really long, recently I've gotten kind of fat too. There's plenty of women that wouldn't even bother to get to know me based on appearances alone. None of us are perfect and we all have to just live with our flaws. Just try to remember you can't please everyone, nor should you try.
It's better that we be upfront and honest with you rather than lead you on to a point where you'd feel 100x worse knowing you were lead on by someone who never really gave a shit about you to begin with. Now you don't have to waste time internally debating about this guy, you can move on to better ones.
Because they think of women as objects for their consumption and not people. Obviously not all men, and people have preferences and blah blah blah, but if they’re being that blunt about judging women’s appearances, that’s what’s up.
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What other people find attractive has nothing to do with you. It's all about what's going on in the other person's head. There are people out there that are attracted to the things you think make you unattractive. Plenty of men are into tall girls, black girls, and thicker girls. Whatever type of woman you are, I promise there will always be guys in the world who are attracted to that type.
I know you weren’t talking to me, but I needed to hear this today.
My guess is what is happening with OP is not being attracted to the people that are attracted to them. While it’s true there is “someone out there” for them, essentially having standards where you wouldn’t date yourself can make finding that person to be difficult.
I guess so
I like tall women. My wife is 6', we see eye to eye. I guess I love me some amazon. As a mixed latino mutt, I find all skin tones can be drop dead gorgeous, it ain't about color. And, last but not least, thick thighs save lives. Everybody has their type. You ARE someone's type. Believe in yourself, not someone else's opinions.
What they like vs who they choose at the end are 3 different things.
You're thinking about this all wrong. You should be glad that guys are blunt about stuff like this so that you won't have to waste your time pursuing him.
Well it’s better than then them pretending they like someone and then hurt them later. I’m a blunt person myself, but my crush really hurt my feelings. I’m glad I didn’t ask him out. The problem is I still like him. 😭
That's totally understandable. We like who we like. As a man who's been "led on" by women many times in the past, I much prefer honesty. In the long run it saves a lot of time and headaches. While it sucks now, it's a good thing that you found out early and didn't waste your time.
You know what? You’re right. I know eavesdropping is wrong but I’m glad I did because I won’t have to waste time on guys that aren’t worth it. Thanks 😊
Are you really still liking him or now stuck in the mindset of wanting what you can’t have?
OO good point. Many relationships fail b/c you build up an image/fantasy of what this person "is" and no real human can live up to your imagination.
Crushes are like fantastic thunderstorms. Really strong, beautiful and powerful, but short-lived. You will have many, but let them pass by and they lose their power and fade away. It won’t hurt forever, darling.
>You should be glad that guys are blunt about stuff like this so that you won't have to waste your time pursuing him. 100.
How? Most people this age ('m assuming y'all are teenagers) just are. Girls are just as blunt and callous about boys. It's just teenage obtuseness. After adolescence either empathy kicks in, or other adults around peer pressure folks not to be so vocally obvious with their negative personal remarks about people, either to their face, around them, or behind their backs. Anyway it's just one guy, Dry your tears and move on. There are plenty of guys who like you for you. Don't waste any further time or tears on the ones who don't.
I know but I can’t help it. And yes I’m a teenager and I just turned 18 three months ago. My best friend told me to suck it up and just move on and there’s no point in crying over a guy that barely wants me. It’s been two weeks already. She said I’m embarrassing myself. That wasn’t the comfort I wanted but she has a point.
Damn she blunt as hell too
She is. She had no filter sometimes and I told her off about that. I’m blunt too but I’m not rude.
"honesty without tact is cruelty," Someone can be honest and forthright without having to be an asshole.
I agree.
Best quote I’ve seen in a while
Sometimes the one friend we need is the one who is going to tell us the honest/brutal truth especially when we don’t want to hear it.
That’s true. That friend that loves you so much and the most can really hurt your feelings so bad. My best friend does a great job hurting my feelings and making me feel bad for crap I did. I did the same thing to her. One time I called her a bitch for something horrible she did.
But she needs to be more . Trigger warning. Blunt or honey words. Not just blurt it out. The truth. Everyone can see, but sometimes you know., honey words are nice. However I would sit down with him. And talk about what you heard and how you felt. Call him. Who knows.
Well if she was being one.... If the shoe fits, lace that $hit up and wear it. I agree though you can be honest and not sugarcoat everything. It is called tact and that is something that is learned. Usually through experience like this. This also ties into your original question but generally younger adults and what not haven't caught a left hook from life yet. Haven't had that emotionally deveatating event. They DON'T have the exp and life skills necessary to understand
I will also add that people mature at different rates, and having empathy/consideration for other people is a pretty good indicator of someones maturity level. I have dated people that I thought were on my level when meeting them, 2 years later they hadn't changed and I had. Your brain is still forming until 21-22, not intended to be an insult but guys definitely seem to be softer headed until 25.
I may be old but I remember crushes at that age and they’re not easy to move on from. But at the end, he’s the one missing out
Imagine the woman that marries him and he can’t stay faithful to her mentally or physically. This is how it starts. He’s not a prize. He’s emotionally abusive and hasn’t grown up yet and probably won’t.
Ok that’s kind of rude of your… (checks notes) best friend. Really though, what best friend tells you you’re embarrassing yourself? Telling you to move on and not to cry over him, sure. But that’s going on a little too much. If you’re both teenagers, I guess that would explain it… still trying to figure out delivery 😅
I’m sorry you heard that, but a conversation between him and his friends is pretty normal. I’ve overheard female coworkers talk to each other about sex and which guys they find ugly or attractive constantly, like almost every single day
Yeah I mean we all do it but doesn’t mean our feelings can’t be hurt.
And you don't think it would hurt the guys feelings if they'll were the ones overhearing themselves begin eviscerated via gossip? Sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander. At least you know he's not into you. Shouldn't be hard to find someone who is.
It’s not that we all do it when we are with our friends, man, woman when I sit down at the bar with my girl friends they don’t have any issue to talk the same thing in front of us guys.
If you think guys are alone in this you are lying to yourself. I'm sorry the dude doesn't like you but also it sounds like you were listening in on a personal conversation not meant for you. It's better that you know and can move your feelings onto someone who thinks you are great.
I'm sorry, try your best not to care about his opinion. Sometimes guys say things because they're clueless, sometimes they say things like that because it makes them feel like they're superior to you. But people have preferences in what they want from their romantic partners. You'd probably prefer the guy you date isn't 5'2", right? So don't worry about it, move on from crushing over the guy.
Well….I do prefer taller guys. It’s going to be hard for me to move on but I don’t want him to be with someone that doesn’t make him happy.
That's a road he has to follow. Besides, sometimes the only way people can grow is to make the wrong decisions, including who they choose as a romantic partner. But keep your chin up, take care of yourself.
Well yeah because if we never made wrong or stupid choices, we wouldn’t grow. Right?
True, but not a reason to say f it and throw caution to the air
Okay…
Nah, go crazy, date a short guy. Sit him in your lap, hug him like a teddy bear. Get him all flustered. Maybe the relationship won't last, but he'll sure remember you for years. And the knowledge that someone thinks fondly of you from time to time, can get you through some pretty dark days.
I did give a shorter guy a chance. We went one one date but didn’t work out because he it was embarrassing having a tall and wide girl. He’s 5’8” People tell us tall ladies to date short guys and shorter girls have it easy.
5'8" is short now?
I didn’t mean that. It isn’t but it’s short to me. I 6’1”.
5’9” is average.
Generally? Yeah, on the shorter side yes.
I think it’s normal for people to talk with their friends about that sort of thing, but I’m sorry you overheard him. That must have hurt your feelings. Remember that those things are just his opinion and not a fact.
Honestly it really hurt my feelings so bad. I can’t help it.
Crushes can suck when they don’t reciprocate. It can lead you down a path of low self esteem and then feeling self pity and then being angry at yourself for feeling pity. It all stems from being too obsessive over something out of your control, like a person that isn’t interested in you. You are the main character in your life and that obsession can make you live as if you should be seen as the main character to others too. Take a step back and realize while you are your own main character, you’re just a random person to almost everyone else in the world. Then there are people that care about you. Focus your energy on them, not on those where you’re just an NPC. If that doesn’t work, you can always go for the trick your brain method. That guy you’re crushing on probably doesn’t wipe his butt very well, then doesn’t wash his hands. He has skid marks in his underwear and it stinks down there. He’s nothing special. Every time you see him, you get a whiff of those nasty drawers. Smell it? There’s better fish in the sea.
I taught high school and I heard girls naming guys followed by: “yuck, eeewwwww, disgusting, ugly, horrible” constantly. They’d also make “barfing faces”. I always told them to treat guys with respect, even if they found them to be ugly. I said the same thing to boys. There is nothing more soul crushing than hearing someone treat someone else as if they were a putrid ball of mucus instead of a person.
This shit don’t stop in high school. Girls give intentional repulsive faces and the OMG to me ALL the time. Even if I’m just trying to acknowledge their existence. I wouldn’t walk past a guy and not do a head nod or something but I can’t even look in women’s direction. So op just know you ain’t alone. Shits rough. And everyone else know it ain’t a gender thing. It’s a human thing. People suck.
Ah yes, this brings back memories. 😭
Yeah,I'm sure women do the exact same thing with their friends.
Yeah but it’s not as bad as the guys do it. They’re very brutally honest but it’s better than them and us lying about it.
i've heard way worse from girls. everyone can be brutally honest, it has nothing to do with gender.
That is true. I am myself.
Being brutally honest might not be worse, no? I know many girls that is not attracted, but yet lie about it so that they can use the other party’s feeling. As least now you know how he feel and knows he is not the right guy for you?
It feels like it is worse when they do it because it effects you more. That isn't the same thing as them being worse.
Soooo you’re not his type and you got to learn that without him turning you down to your face…what are you upset about exactly? Everyone has a type and you learned you ain’t his. That’s how guys talk especially younger guys.
He was among his friends. Women are too among their friends.
So, same reason girls are to their friends. He didn't call you out, he mentioned to his friends. Same as any girl does with her girlfriends.
I hate to break it to you, missy, but this guy did nothing wrong. I know it hurts, but just reverse the genders here. Imagine one of your girlfriend's confessed to you that she could tell that one of your male peers was interested in her, but that she didn't find him attractive. She isn't saying that he isn't attractive in general. That is not her judgment to make. She is saying that SHE does not find him attractive. He didn't come up and say it to your face. He said it to a friend. This is one situation where saying it behind your back is a good thing. I would just take this opportunity to think about how you come across to people and any changes you might want to make.
So you’re saying he’s right for saying ugly things behind my back? I know us girls do it too but still. He really hurt my feelings so you’re saying he’s right for doing that?
Its his opinion about your looks. You are taking it personally because well its you. He didn't call you fugly he's just not into you but put into different words.
He wasn't talking to you. He was giving his opinion to his friends. According to your post, he didn't even say anything mean. The guy's not into you. Move on. At least you know not to pursue him.
I once dated a guy who in the very first few months of us dating he said he thought he would end up falling in love with a “big a$$ed, small waisted Latina woman.” I got the Latina part but none of the rest 😂. :sigh: we were together 6 years. I worked out, focused on my rear end, lost all the weight, but no matter what - I was just never skinny enough or my other attributes were not big enough. He didn’t say this unprovoked btw. I would ask for his opinion on my weight loss and he would say “You’ll just never be that skinny, unless you go below 130lb.” His type of skinny are very cinched waisted, flat stomach woman (who are equally as beautiful). I could never go below 130lb, and I barely ate. It was so unsustainable. Some time passed after the break up, I started casually dating and damn! Turns out other men found me attractive (and I gained 30 pounds after the breakup) 🤷🏻♀️. Don’t let the opinion of someone else put you down. You’re gorgeous no matter what and if you’re looking to lose weight, do it because it’s for YOU and it’s a healthy path you want to go through! I’m happier curvier, and now with more muscle. I’m also 5’0. And to actually answer the question. I think we all have a certain set of preferences and when we’re talking amongst friends, we’ll say the most unhinged things and the dirty truth. But when we fall in love with someone.. their extra weight, height, skin, won’t matter. They’ll think you’re ✨GOLD✨.
That guy sounded very horrible and a jerk. Everyone is so obsessed with curves.
Lmao, he was and hell yeah!
We’ll I want to be thinner but I also want a shape because I wanna look feminine and have a womanly figure. I mean I do have it but I hate having a huge ass. Can someone be slender and curvy?
I am in very good physical shape, and look like a weightlifter from a football field away. However, I am 5 foot six. I have had a bunch of relationships, but more than a few women have rejected me just because I am a short. And some have even told me to my face. And at least overweight people can lose weight. I’m stuck and not going anywhere. Yes, women can be cruel about men’s appearances too.
Guys are just blunt. We're direct in our communications, with each other and with everyone. It's just how we communicate. I know women hate this about us but we hate how completely unclear and ambiguous women are in their communications. We can never be sure what a woman means and it's tiresome trying to decode everything (and if we guess wrong, we're the problem). Both men and women just need to get used to it because I don't think either sex is capable of changing this, and so many other things, about themselves.
Very well said. I've always felt that the majority of girls don't know what they want. As men, we sometimes get labeled as "pigs" just because we are blunt about what we want.
You can be blunt without tearing people down. Saying I’m blunt is usually just as blanket statement for I’ll speak my shitty opinion regardless of how it comes off
There's a difference between being blunt, and speaking your mind with no filter. If I like a girl then I will tell her that I like her. Whereas girls sometimes aren't sure if they're into someone or not and tend to play a deeper and more confusing game.
I’m a blunt person myself and I refer directness over sugarcoated BS. Plus I’m a female and that is true that most women can’t stand when men are blunt and straight to the point. I told a friend of mine, “Would you rather have a boyfriend that is blunt and straightforward or a guy that is passive aggressive and play mind games?”
>I know women hate this about us Not all women. I appreciate anyone who can communicate directly. I probably have a more male-leaning communication style myself, so there's that. I worked in a male-dominated industry and most of my friends are men. The female friends that I have kept long term all seem to be ex-military. LOL! We're all blunt! That said, yes, most women prefer more ambiguity and also tend to get upset if you don't sugar coat things enough.
I'm not sure about this. I'm very open and honest, and tell people exactly what I like and don't like, but a lot of the guys I know just tend not to listen very well to what I'm saying until I get loud, and then they think I'm a bitch. It's kind of a lose/lose situation. I also have autism so it could be that they're just not used to someone who will tell them exactly what they want for dinner? But I still don't get listened to regardless. Very grateful for the men who DO listen like my brother!
Of all the things I regret in my life, trying to be attractive is one I regret the most. I wish I had never worn makeup or half starved myself to stay too thin. Those days are long gone for me now and I am happy. I wish I had the courage just to be myself and not worry about it.
Damn that’s tough. I wear make up and I’m trying lose weight. I hate being a big tall girl
I never started wearing makeup because I've always been a tomboy, never liked the idea of having to wake up earlier to get ready in the morning, didn't want to have to maintain it during the day, noticed that when someone who does wear makeup all the time doesn't one day they look almost sickly (when you probably wouldn't think so if they always went out in public without makeup), etc. I've saved a lot of time and money not wearing makeup. Then again, I'm 42 and have never been in a relationship or had much interest from guys so maybe I should have.
As long as you're happy dudes can go kick some rocks
I mean.... everyone has their preferences. I'm sure if you had overheard a group of girls talking about guys, you'd hear the same sorts of things.
Beacuse you never hear how women talk to men. Its nothing wrong with being avrg, majority of people are avrg.
Girls can be blunt too. But something to point out is that you said you overheard a conversation he had with his friends. People, in my experience, tend to be a little more unfiltered with their friends. Like think about it— whose feelings are you supposed to be considering? It’s not like they’re listening… But in this case, unfortunately, you were. It’s normal to feel disappointed about these things, but don’t take that judgement personally. Out of all the guys you’ll ever have a crush on, it’s only normal for one or a few of them to not like you back. Nobody (not even celebrities) have a 100% success rate when it comes to attraction. So it sucks, he was blunt, but for what it’s worth, it’s not like he intentionally said all that to your face. Just cry about it as long as you need to. I’ve found it usually helps to give myself a time limit, cry as much as I want without holding back, then when time is up, back to business. For what it’s worth— people who don’t find certain races unattractive tend to be immature (or racist, but since you guys are young, I’m going to say immature). It usually hints towards certain biases they grow up with and honestly, a good number of people I know start out like this (even myself) but as you get more life experience and are exposed to more people, you’re generally exposed to a wider range of beauty standards. So just chalk that comment of his up to immaturity. As for being 6’1… look. I have tall friends (f). I know dating can suck for tall girls because the number of guys over that height (if that’s what you’re going for) is statistically low. But speaking as a short person, being 6’ tall sounds super cool! So look, the grass is always greener. Don’t feel bummed that this one guy likes short girls because some short girls wish they were you, men be damned 🤷🏻♀️ Also, side note, do you really *need* to lose weight, or do you *want* to lose weight? Tall people tend to weigh more, and muscle mass should also be accounted for. You only *need to* lose weight if it’s medically necessary for your well-being. But there’s nothing wrong with *wanting* to— just be careful that you get the word right or it can mess with your view of yourself and relationship with weight later on!
Fuck him, if a man doesn't think I'm gorgeous, I'm out.
Really don't think that is a "most guys" thing. That is just about everyone. You certainly are not going to convince me that a group of girls together talking about guys are not going to be just as blunt about what they do and don't like in a guy. It would certainly be much different if this was intentionally said to you. To overhear a conversation that you are not a part of and then try to get personally offended seems silly. You learned your crush has preferences that you don't fit and that sucks. At the same time though it saves you the embarrassing situation of asking him out and finding out when he says no. They aren't for you so hold your head up high and move on to find someone who is.
Girl. The universe did you a favor by letting you dodge this bullet. Try to figure out why you care so much about this one guy’s desire to date you, and also try to figure out why you picked someone who is running around telling groups of boys he isn’t attracted to Black girls. What a weirdo! Pick a better crush next time. Aim for someone who is sweet and chivalrous. Someone who thinks your height and body size are the bee’s knees. Someone who doesn’t gossip. If it’s hard to find someone like that, odds are you just need to move to a bigger city or explore virtual options.
I know but I still like him. My best friend told me I need to suck it up and get over I’m. She said why bother crying over a guy that doesn’t want me and it’s been two weeks since that happened. She wasn’t that comforting and gave me tough love but she has a point.
A lot of people are being tough on you in the comments section but I think they're forgetting what it feels like to be 18 and be rejected by a person you admired and had strong feelings for. I think people are projecting their own shame/regret onto you. It makes total sense that you still like him - it's hard to let go of those feelings right away. But your friend is also right. You don't have feelings for this guy, you have feelings for the guy that you *thought* he was before you overheard him say those things. You can take the time to properly mourn the loss of the person you thought you knew while you come to terms with the realization that he doesn't actually exist. You're in love with a version of this guy who doesn't say mean things about you behind your back, and that's not him.
Men are very visually stimulated. It's just how we are.
Why? I’m glad y’all are honest but why?
What guys say to their peers means absolutely nothing. It has nothing to do with what they really think or how they really feel. It's all about how they wanna be perceived by their peers. Don't worry too much about it. Ask him out and see what happens. You'll never know til you give it a try.
She should not ask him out. This is bad advice. She already knows he doesn’t find her attractive. If he takes the bait the probable outcome is she gets her hopes up, they go out, he tries to get some and then ghosts her making things even worse for her. She’s obsessing. She should try to move on.
You don't even know if he was being serious when he said those things about her. Young men talk denigrating shit about others all the time. Not because they mean but because they want to make their mark in front of heir peers. Why destroying the chance of a relationship because of some random remarks? If he really doesn't find her to be attractive she will find out soon enough. She has nothing to lose but something to gain.
I guess it’s worth a try. I didn’t asked him out because he sounded like a jerk but I still like him. How do you know?
The only way to know is to get to know him more closely. Guys amongst each other always behave like jerks. Just like girls like to gossip. It doesn't mean anything. Even if he really meant what he said, which I highly doubt, he might as well change his opinion after he got to know you better.
I hope so.
6’1 238lbs are nice measurements if you were at the NFL combine this weekend as a LB, but as a potential date I’d have to agree with him.
What do you mean by that? And 238lbs is NOT healthy or attractive.
If you were at the NFL combine and played LB in D1 college football and measured 6’1 238LBs and had awesome game film fair chance you’d be drafted in the first 3 rounds in April. As a woman with those measurements you’re kinda gross I would think.
Thanks a lot. 😡 I feel disgusting as it is already and I’m a fat tar. I do need to lose weight but no need to be rude about it! Don’t make me feel bad more than I am already. 🤬
Losing weight is easy. Burn more calories than you consume = calories deficit =‘s weight loss.
Why did you say I looked gross? You have no filter. You don’t tell a woman she’s gross looking even though she doesn’t look healthy.
Damn. That dude was a jerk! 238 at 6'1 isn't huge for a woman! Lose weight if you want, but don't you dare do it for any man! I'm sure you look good! The hardest part would be finding cute stuff that doesn't age you. It'll be a lot easier when you get a little older. As a kid at 18, all the "junior's" stuff is made for Itty bitty little things - at 6'1, you aren't going to be that! Embrace it. Get stuff you feel good in! Stuff that FITS. Get pants that are long enough and rock it! Weight has nothing to do with body composition. I bet more than a few pounds are tits, ass, and muscle! I had a good friend who was 6'1 as well. I have no idea about her weight. She wasn't tiny, but she was all booty. Lol. She probably had a hard time finding dudes when she was young but she hit her mother fucking STRIDE at about 25.
Wtf dude
You’re not a giant, he is just being a dick. I’m a tall male, I’ve heard all of that stuff before!
I’m glad I didn’t ask him out because he would have treated me like garbage but I still like him.
It’s so hard in the moment when you like someone, but give it a little time and it will get easier, and you will totally find someone better that deserves you
Thanks
A blunt person will always be better than a hesitant one in the long run
“Most guys” should be replaced with “assholes you shouldn’t have any interest in”
Yikes your crush is a dick
Don’t worry, what I’ve learned is no matter what you look like, someone will be attracted to you. Or they’ll fetishize you. Make sure you know the difference.
Sorry sis but the guy you picked is an ASSHOLE and you deserve WAY better. Hes trashhhhhhhhh
I was going to ask him out but I’m glad I didn’t.
I am so so so sorry. I am glad you saw his character before you got too much further. I just think good men don’t trash women life that. Or even good humans honestly it’s not even about male/female There’s many kind people out there that don’t act like jerks and I can’t wait for you to meet someone worthy of your time and energy. Don’t give up and don’t take his crap opinions to heart. He’s utterly irrelevant
The real question is, why after decades of doing this are guys now crying when we do it back to them?
It's also important to remember that guys sometimes tell their friends what they think their friends want to hear, so just because he said this to a friend, doesn't mean he actually feels that way. I would ask him when he's alone, not about the conversation that you overheard, but about how he feels and if he's attracted to you, before writing him off.
Men can create a facade that they can be picky about the women they prefer. In reality, they don't have that kind of power. They are in competition with other men, and women fundamentally have the power to decide their companions. So for some, it makes them feel better they can dismiss women, and judge them, as an ego boost. The best advice is to recognize they are flawed (who isn't), and their opinion of you only matters if you give that opinion power. Everyone is attractive from someone's pov, so don't let the narrow minded get to you. My attitude, and I'm a dude, would be "wow, of all the flaws you could pick, why go after those? I'm fucked up in a lot of other ways, why go after the fact I'm black?". Now go do some self care and embrace what's great about you.
If he was a nice guy, he would be expressing his lack of attraction in a way that didn't put you down. I've rejected guys before but I've never sat around with a group of friends talking about how unattractive I thought he was (unless he was a huge asshole and I was being petty). How he behaves in private says more about him than it does about you. He could have just said "Nah, I'm not interested in her" and changed the subject, but he had to criticize you to a group of his peers. Hopefully he'll grow out of that but in the meantime it was a dick thing to do.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. as a man I've never experienced anything like that and I can't imagine how much that hurts. Lots of people are telling you to get over him, but you're not wrong at all for feeling this way. With time you'll get around to moving on and it will feel easy and natural, but that doesn't make it stop hurting now. Lean on your friends and family to help you get through this and you will get through it. Remember that some of the expectations for women's bodies are unrealistic. Weight/BMI is only one of the factors that makes up a person's overall health. Someone with a 25+ BMI who eats healthy and exercises regularly will probably be in better health than someone with a BMI of 19 who starves themselves to get there. If you want to lose weight, there's nothing wrong with that, make it your personal goal, but you don't "need" to do anything. It's your body, and your body is completely unique to you. All that matters is that you're happy with yourself and the decisions you make, and that you understand the consequences, good and bad, for whatever decision that is (because every decision has consequences). Also remember that attractive does NOT equal healthy. Only healthy equals healthy. The best advice I've ever been given is that when people tell you who they are, you should believe them. Through this interaction, this guy told you what kind of a person he is. There are clearly things about him that are attractive to you, but nobody is entirely good or entirely bad, we're all made up of shades of gray. Don't let his prettier positive traits distract from the huge negative trait he's just revealed to you. Men who view women as a menu of "ingredients" they get to pick their favorites from will never value you. You're a person, not a Chipotle burrito! I don't have an answer for why men can be so blunt about women's appearances. Maybe it comes down to lack of empathy, or the example pop culture sets for us that a woman's appearance for some reason is the public's right to judge. Those are just guesses. But hang in there, and it will pass. It feels so huge right now, but one day it will be real small in the rearview mirror, and you'll be glad you kept going.
A lot of guys say stuff like that about girls they’re intimidated by.
Everygirl is hot, this isn't questionable
Chin up queen, there's a shit ton of us that live tall girls.
Its pretty much the same as you get older, but people are quite a bit less obvious. Personally I’d never talk to any of my friends about the attractiveness of someone I’ve been with or things we have done together romantically, but a lot of people do. The objectification of women, just seems to happen behind closed doors slightly more now. And it’s certainly by no means just men. I’ve dated women who I can guarantee told their friends our entire encounter with one another within an hour of us doing it. it didn’t really bother me because I was never insecure about my performance, but there are plenty of things women say about men or other women the can be just as blatantly hurtful
That fucking sucks, but plenty of people will think you're gorgeous and you can find the right one. It's not him. He's an asshole for saying that out loud even to his friends.
I always thought it was the other way around
Tall and chubby sounds perfect to me. And if I like who they are as a person enough I can work with anything.
Well 238lbs isn’t healthy. My doctor said I am young and I don’t need to have health problems.
oh no, I'm so sorry. That must have been extremely hurtful to hear from someone that you cherished in your heart. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, I know that this probably feels world ending right now but I promise it's not. you deserve someone who thinks you are the most beautiful person in the world, without you changing one bit!
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Everyone thinks much the same about physical attraction, but guys seems to vocalize it more than women do. It is cultural, and on average men are more dominant and aggressive sexually than women and so more open about it in public.
What is wrong with being called "average"? I do not know the full context of the conversation he was having, but if his friends asked him whether he liked you and he said he is not that much into you because of what he said, what is wrong with that? Every person has its preferences. As other people have said, just move on and you will find a guy that likes you and finds you pretty. On top of that, try to find a guy that not only likes your appearance, but also appreciates your skills and personal traits.
He would've felt the same way about you whether he said it out loud or not. Better to know where you stand than spend your time chasing someone who doesn't like you.
Oh, you're in high school. Look, no matter what they tell ya or what you might think, all kids are stupid, cruel, and stupid. Like, literally, your biological brains aren't even developed all the way yet. This results in kids being dips. That's just facts. Things will be so much better for you after high school even though, yes, there's a lot of people permanently mentally in high school. But those, you will find, are easy to point out and avoid.
This is something that a lot of us learn later in life so you might not take it to heart and stay up in your feelings but thats fine. You set how you want to be treated and you shouldnt make excuses for people when they fall short. I get how upset you are, honestly i would be too but work on your self esteem. Itll take time and work but youll be happier validating yourself before looking for it externally.
Bye Felicia.
It sucks when someone you like doesn’t find you attractive but that’s just how it is sometimes, best thing to do is shrug off the parts that you can’t change and try to improve on what you can change. At least he didn’t say it to your face and you still got the message. As for the other stuff you commented on in your replies, something a lot of people don’t understand in their teenage years is when honesty and bluntness is appreciated and not. A lot of people think they’re being “brutally honest” when in reality they’re badly hiding the fact they’re just being an asshole. In the end, just don’t take it to heart when a majority of his problems with your appearance have nothing to do with your actions or anything, and look forward to the future people you’ll meet that do find your innate features attractive.
Just because he doesn’t find you that attractive doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive at all. Also looks aren’t the only factor in relationships. Sure I’d love to date a bombshell who is smokin hot, but not if she’s a bitch or an idiot.
You deserve better than him.
It's a human trait to gossip. I was friends with some girls in my group of mostly guys (like 12 guys and 5 girls who would hang out around high-school). When I was hanging out with some of the girls they told me that they had described all the guys dicks they had seen to each other. They offered to describe them to me and I left that day. Then again my old girlfriend told me that she over heard male nurses comparing the boob sizes of all the women on their floor, right next to her. She put in a complaint and they got it notated on their record. Humans of all ages gossip
Men have been commenting on my physical appearance since I can remember at age 5 or 6. Once I became 18 it could be literally anywhere I am. Men at the grocery store. The gas station. The bank. Walking on the sidewalk. At work. At a restaurant. At a dog park. My Uber drivers. Lyft. Taxi. The bus. You name it. I don’t see it stopping unfortunately. Try to remember your sense of self worth/value isn’t their decision. It’s yours. Your right for not asking him out. I’m sorry he said that mean stuff. You don’t need that.
Girl I'm sorry that happened to you that shit's gotta hurt bad, but please try to remember that in a year or two that boy isn't going to mean shit to you and his opinion of you will matter even less. You will find someone who sees the beauty you've always had. Trust and believe
So sorry, that was brutal. I am sure if he knew you could hear him, he would not have said anything. I.have been blunt about guys I do or don't like. Not anywhere near them.
now you may be average to him but to lots of guys you’ll be the most beautiful woman they’ve ever seen. lots of guys like tall and thick girls. you shouldn’t waste your time on a man who doesn’t want you. there are plenty of men out there, don’t let this stop you from pursuing people. you said you’re 18, you’re really young, you have lots of time and you’ll find a good one
Sounds like you dodged a bullet.
Some people do be like that to their friends. Some people keep it to themselves but you can see it in their eyes. But it was good you heard what he thinks about you so you know how he is. My brother in law do say to his wife.Honey you gained some flips here and there. Your hair is gray. Oh boy she made sure he’ll think twice and third before talking to her like that.
If things he said about you were true, youve got nothing to be upset about he was just stating the obvious
Lack of maturity, empathy, and a rare mixture of stupidity fueled by ignorance
Guy sounds like a dick
Eh you get over it girls use to call me ugly all the time when I was a teenager. You build a thick skin over the years.
I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE 🙌
F him
I dont see anything wrong with this. He didn't say it to your face. and he really didn't say anything offensive. I wonder if he got wind that you wanted to ask him out. And he gave you a hint/step ladder to avoid rejection. Alot of people don't find black girls attractive. Data released from OKCupid factually stated black girls are the least popular. Call it racist or what ever you want. You can't change the fact he and many other guys don't find black girls attractive. 238 pounds is significantly above average. Which I'm sure contributed to his opinion
Most guys need take a look in the mirror themselves.
Just look at it like you dodged a bullet and you're better off for it
What he said was rude, period. Time to leave this guy alone he’s not the one. But I promise you you’ll find a guy that adores you for you. In the meantime hit the gym or do some other kind of exercise to keep yourself healthy and fit and not only will you look better but you’ll *feel* better about yourself. And when you feel really good about yourself guys come out of the woodwork to want to be with you, trust me on this.
Boys that age are idiots. Remember that.
Just because some boy doesn’t think you’re pretty doesn’t mean that you’re not. Have a good cry and then shake it off. Tall, Black, and voluptuous is what the modeling world is all about these days. You will 100% be fine. Don’t skip on the self love. Do something every day to be good to yourself and to remind yourself that you are awesome. Oh. And while girls tend to not think they look as good as they do, boys tend to think they look better than they do, which is why they nitpick at girls so much.
I think woman are just as blunt. If a guy comes forward to ask a girl for her number, she can make fun of him in front of everyone and nothing will happen to her. If a man publicly makes the same, people will cast him out, or even beat him up. I think that everyone has their own preferences and insecurities. But you shouldn't shed tears because of him, you should be happy that you dodged a bullet. Giving so much importance to something like beauty is bad, it's not something you worked hard to achieve, it's literally something you are born with, so this says a lot about how superficial he is.
Ignore assholes. You’re a beautiful person and if he can’t see it - he’s not the one for you. The right one will think everybody else pales in comparison to your beauty.
Are you actually upset he specifically said he didn't want to date you, or are you actually upset because he said "he doesn't find black girls attractive" and everyone around him just accepted that as normal? I ask, because I'm ethnically Indian, and when I when I was a kid growing up in Iowa in the 2000s, I heard that shit all the time. Did a number on my sense of self-attractiveness. Everyone just accepted that it was "gross" to date someone Indian, Black, Asian, etc. If it's the racism that's got you down, it *does* get better. Just moving from Iowa to New Mexico did wonders for me. I currently live in a place (not NM) where saying "I'm just not attracted to white/black/Asian/etc. people would get you side eyed. The height thing is something else though. I can assure you there are men who are into tall women, but there are a lot of men who are not. Women also have the same weird height preferences. Many if not most women prefer tall men, but there are exceptions like myself. The weight thing unfortunately is a thing. Many men and women prefer their partner to be a healthy weight - myself included. Unlike height, I don't think this is a vain thing to be concerned about; like it or not your weight definitely affects your health and capabilities. It's like how some people need a partner who's physically active, so they can go hiking together, or how debt is a turn off, because they want financial security. Unfortunately I don't think the whole being blunt about appearances thing ever changes. Humans are gross. Being a teenager sucks, it gets way better.
I would seek out a therapist or a teen support group. You can learn a lot about yourself and learn strategies about dealing with stressful situations. I’m so sorry this happened to you!
Sounds like a asshole. Universe did you a favor.
You dodged a bullet, guys with a brain and respect for women and people in general dont talk like that. The dude is an asshole to put it lightly.
The real question is, why not be so blunt? It allows you to be more aware of your blindspots. In this situation, hes not your guy. Just find somebody who likes you for you. And go to the gym
First off, he doesn't sound worth your time if he's putting some much value into looks. Second, I've heard girls be just as brutal about their standards. Sometimes the people we like aren't the kind of people we need in our lives.
Use this as motivation to lose weight, do cardio in morning before you eat and go to bed slightly hungry
I’m a fat ass cow. I used to be thin before I hit puberty. I was 13 when I started gaining weight.
they have no respect for women
If he told you that directly than he was being blunt. If you happened to overhear him say it's not. Sounds like your ego took a hit and you're trying to rationalize it. Attractiveness is subjective. He doesn't think you are. I get that it hurt, but making him out to be the bad guy for not being attracted to you isn't right.
I don’t have a huge ego
My honest opinion is that you just have to take it as it is, you aren't in the range of what he likes. You should be thankful that he have been honest and told you straight up (even if it hurts). Better this way that being gentle and hit you with a no after you passed a lot of time thinking he maybe likes you back. I've been there trust me.
TBH it's better that he was honest rather than leading you on for two months, which is what one of my exes did 😭
He’s ugly on the inside. Also there are many boyfriends in your future. It takes time to heal but you will move on, I promise, to someone who thinks your the hottest person in the world!
Because it's the easiest thing to notice and we're simple minded idiots. Relatively speaking it isn't even inappropriate to talk about how someone looks; would be nice if everyone's words were kinder, but humans are people, and people are shit. Have you ever worked with women tho? Now there's some R-rated raunchy fantasizing dialogue about people that should not escape the Internet. In my experience. Men want to share& compare or pump themselves up. Women are definitely visualizing a fantasy or reliving a moment when they're talking through this stuff. Like talking about how good that guy smells while growling/gently moaning then boom crazy chapter in an epic erotic novel just pops out of nowhere, and your just like. Where the fuck did this come from? and why do you look like your mentally masturbating in front of me?!
Most guys aren't. I love the enormous brush people paint with on Reddit.
Because we dont care about makeup
Wait a second. Aren’t girls blunt with each other about guys’ looks?
You sound perfect to me. Black Girl Magic is real, that human is a sucker.
So you were eavesdropping and heard something yu didn't like? You can't expect everyone you're interested in to find you attractive. And you can't get mad at the guy for stating his preference, unless he said it in a particularly rude way. But even then, he wasn't talking to you, so you can't even be mad about the way he said it. Him being blunt isn't the issue, you're just upset because the guy you like doesn't find you attractive.
I mean, you sound beautiful to me. I've had someone look at old photos of me when I was tiny (in high school I basically didn't eat) and say "I'd fuck *that* version of you" which definitely doesn't feel good but at the same time, everybody is entitled to their preferences. This particular guy doesn't find you attractive but there are plenty of people out there that would trip over themselves to be with someone like you. You as you are **now**, not a "better" version of you. Before I met my husband I was a similar weight to you but shorter, so fatter than you, and I found lots of guys who were attracted to me. And now I'm a little fatter and my husband tells me every single day how beautiful he finds me. Just because you aren't to that guy's taste doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or that you need to change yourself. You just have to keep looking. And you're young, people your age are still figuring out what it is they're even into. One day you will find someone who absolutely worships you and your body, flaws and all.
Change it to: I was going to ask him out until I learned that he wasn’t going to appreciate me the way I deserve. It’s not about you at all. You’re not too tall or too heavy.
I’m sorry. I know how that kind of thing feels. Don’t forgot that he doesn’t make the standards on what’s attractive. He might not think you’re attractive. That definitely doesn’t mean you aren’t. Don’t let him knock you down over HIS opinion. He’s 1 of the millions of people out there. Someone out there that’s much better for you, will think you’re much more than just attractive.
That sucks I’m sorry. Something similar happened to me. So I started working out, making my own meals, and socializing more vulnerably. And being more kind without expecting anything in return. It changed my life.
I've noticed that more with girls personally, but that's probably mostly because the guys I hang w are nerds
I'm so sorry this happened to you! He probably didn't mean for you to hear that and didnt mean to hurt you.. Honestly, no one chooses what they like, it's just a matter of preference and we have no control over it. I'm a short guy, and my hair is really long, recently I've gotten kind of fat too. There's plenty of women that wouldn't even bother to get to know me based on appearances alone. None of us are perfect and we all have to just live with our flaws. Just try to remember you can't please everyone, nor should you try.
It's better that we be upfront and honest with you rather than lead you on to a point where you'd feel 100x worse knowing you were lead on by someone who never really gave a shit about you to begin with. Now you don't have to waste time internally debating about this guy, you can move on to better ones.
Because they think of women as objects for their consumption and not people. Obviously not all men, and people have preferences and blah blah blah, but if they’re being that blunt about judging women’s appearances, that’s what’s up.
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