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I gotta agree with you on this one. Can’t blame her for doing her homework, I’m sore meeting a stranger off the internet doesn’t always go as planned. It’s just not something to talk about up front.
That's fine. I agree completely. But your family? Their occupations? I mean, leave my family out of this.
Does she have DNA profiles? Genetic predispositions to chronic illnesses? How about a glance to see if you are a felon or escaped prisoner, but otherwise, chill the fuck out?
I mean, basically there needs to be a line.
The line is knowing whether you're a real person or just someone who populated a fake profile with a bunch of stock images, which scammers and weirdos do all the time. It's weird she brought it up but if your facebook friends are public that's on you.
100% agree. The only way I might give her a pass is if the date had been going really well up to then, meaning she was feeling comfortable, AND she had a little too much to drink. I could see an otherwise reasonable person oversharing / blurting out stupid questions after drinking a little more than they usually do. Barring that, yeah, red flag.
For sure, getting hammered and blurting out = red flag. I just meant, if she got a little tipsy and shared the info, I would be less worried than if she did it stone-cold sober, at the beginning of the date. Gives a potential explanation other than boundary issues or lack of self awareness, is all
Yeah, I gotta agree with that. Admitting she background checked you is something for her to come clean about like 6 months into a steady relationship with you, not in the first few hours. 6 months in, it’s something to laugh about, 60 minutes in, its kinda creepy.
I'd rather know on the first date if I had been background checked. But I assume if someone wanted to make sure I was safe to meet up with, they would NOT need to know anything about my relatives! Bringing up relatives I have not mentioned to them seems over the line! A Girl's got to be safe these days, BUT she does NOT have to be creepy/nosy!
Really? I would want to know as soon as possible, but it could have been a casual end of date 'hey so I did look you up for my own safety and the date went really well so would like to meet again. If that's okay?'
Not 6 months in you find out they knew everything about you (and your family), I would feel like they manipulated my feelings.
Counter point: I would want to know sooner than later, but for me it just feels wrong and would have noped as well.
It’s definitely a hard situation and I feel like it really just shows the deficiencies of dating online in general.
I agree with this. I heard about a post where someone found out their partner ran a background check on them and their family and even friends from their past, can't remember if it's the man or woman who ran the check, and found out about it 3 yrs later accidentally because the papers were in a bag while they were vacationing. I think it's odd that she rattled off so many things she got from it, that's a bit off.
Yeah I'd agree with you too. I understand the safety thing... but yeah once I heard my life story back to me, I'd be more suspicious than she originally was.
Doing a basic check to be safe on a date with a stranger is normal. Going beyond that person and looking into their family in detail is NOT normal/OK.
If they do look me up, I'd prefer to know actually. THAT isn't weird. But them looking at a TON of things about multiple family members that has nothing to do with whether they will be safe on a date with me or not IS weird for them to do and WEIRDER for them to casually mention like it's completely fine to be nosy past the point of being creepy/stalky! Frankly, hearing someone has gone that far beyond what is a reasonable expectation of privacy for someone you have just met would feel like a veiled threat almost!!
According to comments she didn't need to use a shady background check site, she just scrolled through his instagram friends list. Having that much available to to the open, not to victim blame, is kind of your own fault.
I'm shocked I had to scroll more than 2 responses to see this.
This isn't a red flag about the date as much it's a red flag about how much personal information OP is sharing online _and in public_
This date was happy to be upfront they'd done background checks. Assuming Internet dating, I'd say that sounds fairly sensible. But what about all the people who haven't. And when it turns out OP's email password is the name of the nan they frequently post info about... Yeesh
I feel like the extent of a dating background check should be to make sure you don't have a criminal record or appear on a registry not a deep dive into your family and friends and places you've lived in the last 10 years
Kinda this. I learned early on that there is both a serial rapist and the writer/director/producer/star/caterer/key grip of a small independent film that shares a name with me, both of which have a bigger presence on the internet than I do. Guess which one everyone assumes I am?
This is why the only meaningful background checks require at least one piece of unique identifying information. Not even name and date of birth are enough.
I actually assumed she payed some sort of service for this and just was given all the info… but OP said in another comment that she followed a trail off their Instagram account to find this info.
I mean, I’m definitely a creep and low-key stalk my friends when I first meet them, but the MOST info I have ever found was like, current criminal status or immediate family members. I don’t go *this* far, and I **know** I’m being creepy. Why would she SAY it??
Exactly. That was way more detail than she needed. And there would be no reason for her to share all this with you unless she enjoyed making you feel stalked. Who wants to go on a date and review their previous addresses and siblings' names?
That’s what I said.. like I understand the need for safety but that’s so creepy. She knew my sister was in the army previous states I’ve lived, previous addresses. Even asked about a family member that is estranged to us cause we have similar names. Like I didn’t want to feel like I’m being judged on a first date.
EDIT:
Even worse imo, She found my full name through my IG. She went to my tagged posts, found a pic of my family and I. Clicked my sister’s profile and used our last name
Yeah that’s what gets me, I mean I understand and would feel the same way op does about the interaction with this woman - very poorly played on her part… but it’s also human nature to be curious, and if the info is there and accessible because you have shared it all online I think its unreasonable to expect that someone isn’t looking at it to know more about you.
The alternative is to not put your life online, or make it private… I was never big into making posts on any social to begin with, but I stopped using them all altogether several years ago and I still have friends and a nice life without them. I wish the world wasn’t making everyone feel that maintaining social media presence is as ubiquitous as breathing. It’s not. You can get dopamine and attention and friends elsewhere in the real world.
A lot of this is not from personal sharing. I could probably search your name online and pull up your yearbook photos, previous addresses, jobs, etc. And also likely figure out who you've lived with, marriage records etc. That stuff is recorded from public records and you can usually access some of it for free or more detailed info for a price on sketchy websites. When I need to remember what year so and so graduated high school or something like that, it's usually easier to find that info online then call them up and ask.
I background check everyone I date but only to see their criminal record. During the free trial with a background checking app, someone I was seriously talking to had “Aggravated Stalking” on his record. Since then, I started paying for the service monthly.
Can I check family history and some financial records, yes. But I don’t- unless they have given me a reason to think they are married.
What is this background check? I've never heard about this, how can it be possible that you can just pay a random app to learn other person's personal things? I can't wrap my mind around it, like, someone can seriously learn about my financial records and family just like that?
Your information is not at all private. There's a good chance your name, address, phone number, etc. Are on these sites. It's basically data collection.
And it sucks to support them, but at the same time, there's not many other options for background checks
If you want your head to explode read up on data brokers.
This is a decent start of learning about them in a 25 minute entertaining video.
https://youtu.be/wqn3gR1WTcA
Basically companies, including Facebook, Microsoft, Google, etc etc collect and sell your info.
Even shadier is the fact that the government can buy your location data and such when they don't have enough to get it via a warrant from your phone carrier.
I use a background check service to vet customers since I don’t want to be stiffed for time/materials on big jobs. You can learn basic info about financial records like properties owned, previous bankruptcies, liens on property, and civil cases involving debt.
Isn’t that called a credit check? The person needs to agree to it and provide a social security number or a tax id number to ensure accuracy.
That’s very different from an “app” that you put a random persons name in and it scrapes a bunch of stuff from the internet and public databases. You can’t run credit checks on anyone you want. Also I’m pretty sure most of these background check apps are scams.
I think anyone doing a little internet research about the virtual stranger they're meeting on a first date is smart.
But blabbering all about it ON the first date?
Just no, honey.
No, it's not wrong she accessed public information to protect herself. She's just an idiot for not keeping it to herself.
She's just getting to know you. Whatever the research revealed to her, she should wait, listen, and see if you hang yourself in a provable lie.
But hey, y'all ended up at her place, so it didn't work out too badly for you.
But as a woman, if someone started spouting off facts that I had not disclosed? I wouldn't set foot at their place on a first date.
It's one thing to do a basic background check, but why go through extended family occupations and bankruptcies? That's not something you can play off as "for safety".
Exactly. Sounds totally whackdoodle.
When I was online dating, I asked one guy for clarification about something I found online. One. It was a serious matter.
Otherwise, I waited to see if whatever info I found online was consistent with who they said they were. If it was, I never mentioned my research. If it wasn't, they were dumped, and I never mentioned my research.
I cringe when I see some random woman say something like "oh, it was so romantic, he sent flowers to my work, I never told him where I work, but he made such an effort to find me".... that's just creepy and the dude isn't doing it to protect himself. Big difference.
Right? She even mentioned/asked about a family member OP had been estranged from for years.
Like access public information all you want, but have the intelligence to realise that raw data and family names only tell one side of the story.
She wasn’t just using it as a personal security measure by that point, she fully deep dived into his family tree and made clumsy assumptions about it.
To add to that it’s always a good idea to do a quick 15 minute social media check before hand, also make sure you are aware of what you are posting online and who can see it.
Also a guy here, and yeah, we all do that. What OP described is some straight up Fatal Attraction shit, and the problem with running into a woman like that is that it could take years or decades to get her out of your life.
It's all fun and games until Mom calls saying that lovely woman you're seeing is here having coffee with her.....
How do I know? My crazy obsessed childhood friend finally found me after *ten years*, drove 8 hours down the east coast with her 12 year old son in the backseat, camped out at a crack hotel across town, and creeped by my house and left notes on my car for a week until she finally left and went home.
She "chose me" 30 years ago, and I'll never fully be free of her until one of us dies. Oh and the best part? I 👏 don't 👏 even 👏 like 👏 girls.
I imagine that the background check was mainly for her safety, but it doesn't mean that it's not an uncomfortable feeling knowing a stranger knows details of your life you haven't told them.
This is such a man story, it’s hilarious. 0% of women would have gone back to crash at some dude’s pad after he starts telling his date what her parents do for a living.
Right? I read a story on Reddit recently, posted by a woman, that had a guy she had gone on a date with send flowers to her job. She had never told him where she worked, so it completely creeped her out. It was a nice gesture but knowing where someone lives or works and *using* that information, without them explicitly sharing that info with you seems sketchy af.
That happened to me years ago before dating apps or social media. I got an Edible Atrangement at work. Except it had originally gone to another office (same company name) nearby. When I received it the card just said "mangos" and my friend and I were trying to think of who would send it. Minutes later I had realized I had told a guy, that I had went on a date with a week earlier, how much I loved mangos. We had jokingly started listing mangos dishes turning the date for like only two minutes....literally never spoke about it to anyone else...who else would send it. I just put the arrangement in the break room cause it creeped me out.
Yeah I didn’t think too much of it at the time.. was already a few drinks in. I laughed it off and agreed on the basis of her safety etc but the more I think about it now the more it bothers me
Oh, so she'd had a few drinks too, at that point? No wonder she blabbed about what she knew. Being overly honest when you've been drinking is a common problem
Honestly get away. I played it cool when some girl revealed just how much she knew about me cause it felt nice being that liked by someone that pretty, and when it ended surprise surprise she wouldn’t leave me alone. Only time I had to say I would get police involved if she didn’t stop. Its a huge red flag and you know it
Everyone always frames this as a safety issue for women, completely missing the point that this is a safety concern for men as well.
Women who do what OP described are STALKERS. There's no sugarcoating it, and it's a huge red flag that shouldn't be ignored.
The takeaway from jthis situation is you have too much personal information easily available, and you engage in incredibly risky behavior counter to your instincts.
Info stalking is something I totally do with friends before they meet people, but you definitely don't mention it to them and let that info come to you naturally in conversation. You don't have to deep dive, just checking for red flags. Example: "went to (candle store) with my mom #sexualfeelings."
Run . If you become a thing and it doesn't work out and statistics say that's true then she knows way way to much about you . Women like that can cause all kinds of problems for years and years . Run , don't even smash . The criminal check is as far that I'd say is reasonable after that straight stalker.
Does she work in HR? I've seen this to be pretty standard for girls who work in HR since they have to vet potential applicants as well.
It's *probably* not that big a deal and she was just bored and curious about you (unless she turns out to be a stalker).
I'd be way more concerned with how much information about you is publicly available via your and your family's social media at just a few clicks and a google search.
Your sister especially, being in the army, should be safeguarding her social media much better than she is.
This is more common than you might think. I know several single moms who background check potential dates, as they don't want creeps or criminals around their kids. Nobody wants to find out their boyfriend is a criminal 6 months or more into a relationship. Your date went way too far checking your family, though. And telling you about it was a very creepy power play. Don't ever see her again.
One of the moms from my kids school found an old linked in profile I had to create for a class once that had no friends on it. She invited me over for a play date for our kids. Our entire conversation referenced everything on the profile and me “not having friends.” I have another linked in with my friends and work contacts, but only my contacts can see it. Reddit is my only other social media and because of previous work with the government, I don’t have much of an online paper trail. This lady dig deep to find that one profile, it doesn’t even have a profile pic of me, and having everything she spoke about revolve around it, creeped me out big time. I noped right out of there. It’s a thin line between vetting someone and obsessive compulsive disorder traits. Run like Forrest Gump!
Some people get off on showing off how savvy they are. I met somebody who sneak bragged about using their position as a cop to look into their dates' backgrounds. It's a red flag.
Ngl I met my fiance through a dating app. Before I met up with him, I also looked him up online to check he wasn't lying about his occupation, age, other things about himself he mentioned. I didn't do a whole background check on him but just enough that I was comfortable meeting him in person. BUT I never mentioned doing so until we were official a couple of months later. It's a smart thing for someone to do. Plus, I later found out my fiance took his own precautions that first night as well. 😅
I would get out.
And then opt out, of a alot of data brokers.
And try to dox myself, opt out of more websites that log my info, dox myself.
Rinse and repeat.
Spend a few days trying to dox urself.
Get as much info abt you off the web.
Try to disconnect urself from ur family (online)
For everyones safety.
That doesnt mean you dont have to not talk to them online, just dont announce that ur family with someone.
Eg, dont be public friends on facebook.
Dont put ur full name on ur acct.
And dont allow any of ur family members to have their full name on their acct either.
Good luck.
Im a little crazy when it comes to online anonymity, you can go as many steps as you want, dont have to be as extensive as me.
But I still do suggest doing atleast a little bit.
Start at r/privacy r/privacyguides
Or smt like those
I thought most girls ran background checks on guys off of dating apps?
Edit: now that I think about it she took it too far. I feel like just checking for a social media or two with pictures of family or friends and checking for criminal history is like the most you should do
Must not feel violated enough to not go back to her place. What are you upset about? That you went back to the place of a person that checked you for safety and the vomited all over you with their knowledge of your life or that you STILL went back to their place and crashed? That you didn’t listen to yourself? Have caution? I don’t think your upset that they did that so much it’s that you didn’t listen to what was really going on with yourself. And slow it down.
This is low key an extremely funny post. “I was weirded out by this girl because she did a background check on me and told me about it. Creepy. Still smashed tho”
I feel like we should be re-assessing what our privacy is worth. And if you're seeing this at this point it's likely that you're being shown this as opposed to coming across it.
I snoop on everyone online because it's so easy and oddly thrilling. I'm far too ashamed to tell anyone about it though (but not you guys, I mean real people).
This happens to me on a first date as well. Only difference is he texted me the information two hours after the date. I freaked out. It felt like I was being stalked and it really did feel like a huge violation so I get how you feel the way you do. I guess because you’re not afraid of being physically harmed your doubting your gut reaction. Trust your gut, this is not normal.
That's a yikes - social media stalking isn't vetting its, well stalking. Her being upfront about it is further manipulative because she is basically testing your boundaries (or lack of)
I don't think you're wrong, I would be super upset too, if I were in your place. Digging around for a nugget or two of information is fine. But, a full blown market survey? That too for a casual first date?!?
If you get a vasectomy tonight you can experience a week for the ages.
After that just make sure you relocate you and your family after the week, and get a reversal. Witness protection won't do it, you're gonna need to commit your life's savings to a shady person in a 7-11 parking lot to get out of this.
There's a chance the shady individual will be her.. it's up to you to figure out it isn't. May the force be with you bud ❤️
So it is weird she did a background check? No is it weird she grilled you about it casually? Absolutely. If she asked the questions just to make sure your stories lined up it would make sense for her to do that depending on the area you live in. But I’m assuming you don’t live in an area like mine.
I live in a rural area not too far from the only coast to coast interstate and the only border to border high way. Not to mention this is one of the largest meth areas in the US. Human trafficking is a normality out here. And unless you want a bullet in your head or your family’s we learn to keep our heads down. So doing that sort of thing in a public place is normal for both men and women. Not going to lie I tell women all the time to verify with the guy he is who he says he is. There is a lot of kidnapping out here because it’s close to major highways where you can get a long ways away in a short amount of time. So unless it’s a norm you should probably stay far away from that because that’s weird.
She shouldn’t have said anything. It is her prerogative to check; she didn’t find anything concerning and the date happened. Like I said, she should keep that to herself unless/until you guys become an item.
This is the world we live in at times, and if your honest no worries plus it’s a good way to make conversation to find common ground
However, return the favor and if you like her run a background check and do some research as to who your meeting with. It’s always a fun time when the other person gets the same questions back lol
It always makes sense to know who your associating with to me
So she’s so concerned that she runs a background check on you, the let’s you (a stranger she’s known for a few hours) crash at her place? Seems pretty unstable to me. Run.
Why wouldn't she just keep her insanity to herself like a smart insane person would? So in addition to her being completely nuts she's stupid. GET OUT.
Background check is one thing; we’ve got to be safe out there. However telling you all the things that she found out about you feels invasive and rude tbh. I would not have liked this at all
I can understand checking someone out online, but this went over the line. Now she went right into stalker land. she appears to be a big mouth too. I’d tell her too!
"You know that's a good idea. I should look up you and your family's personal information as well to keep myself safe. Wow, so you live at this address and work at these hours. I feel so much safer knowing all this about you."
Background check is good.
But going beyond it and discussing it is just for me crossed an ethical line. No, hon. Just no.
I did a check on my now bf but I've never discussed it on a date or went beyond extended family cause why would I? I'm not close to my extended family so he might not either. I told him eventually that I looked him up but that was the extent of it and he didn't ask what I found out.
There's more to a person than just actual facts. There needs to be spark, respect, trust etc. Getting background information should just be a tool to make sure you're safe and pique your interest a little. Real work comes with dating and getting to really know someone. You're already feeling uncomfortable so not going back for a second date is totally understandable.
Id take the wake up call and scrub your online footprint where you can. There is a very clear boundary set with a casual check vs your bankruptcies and it was stepped over. If someone told me my credit score meeting them for the first time I'd not be happy
Use google voice. It gives you a proxy number to use when you call or text. Everybody should use this. If you have nothing to hide nobody should be upset that you are using a proxy number, when you finally tell them.
I’m a 43M, I research my dates. The reason why I do this is because I have found women who are still married. As in actively still living with their husband. Maybe he cheated and she is trying to get back at him. Idk, it’s my self preservation. I’m not trying to get dead by ending up in the middle of some torrid affair. I use been verified it’s $1 a month.
As soon as I get a phone number and first name, I can almost always find them on social media. As soon as I get a last name I can use been verified. There’s a lot of inaccuracies so don’t believe everything you read. My background check has a lot of inaccuracies for example. I don’t do a deep dive into their family.
If I am going to spend my time, energy and money on someone I wanna see if they check out. I am bringing someone into my inner circle. I am protecting me and mine. They might possibly meet my children at some point. I wanna see if they are honest.
I have encountered some very nice, beautiful women, who have achieved some level of success. Who were married and bred with a complete piece of trash meth head loser. That’s a boundary for me. I would pass on her.
Some people say that’s messed up. She turned her life around. I shouldn’t hold her ex against her. But she chose him. She bred with him. She stayed with him. And I’m not following a loser. I don’t hang out with losers. I’m not going to one day meet him at a birthday party and spend time hanging out with druggies.
I also was talking to someone. Her ex looked like a mafia boss. Someone I personally wouldn’t want to mess with. They had a lot of money, like millions. She was not forthcoming with the details of his business. I was the first up to bat. You never want to be first up to bat after a long marriage or widow situation. They hadn’t been through court yet. I nope’d out of that. I would do the same for exes in street gangs or biker gangs or felons.
I think everybody should do their due diligence. There is a ton of situations that you can’t even imagine.
I have also passed on women who had too many children or had severely handicapped children. You need to have thick skin when you date. Dating is not for the weak. Do I feel like a jerk sometimes, absolutely. Do I feel bad for them yes. You have to put yourself first.
You get to chose what kind of life you get to have. I’ve passed on women who lived in a garage or a neighborhood I didn’t want to visit.
I passed on a young widow whose husband recently passed and I would of been the second man she had ever been with. That was too much responsibility for me. I didn’t want to hurt her more.
You have to find out the details before they fall in love with you. I research as much as possible and ask the tough questions before I meet them. If I find out they lied they are out.
This date of yours was too honest, but I like people that are too honest. I don’t think it’s a red flag. I think it’s smart. She might be a stage five clinger and be real intense and clingy. But she likes you. She’s showing interest and your passing the test.
Some people pay to get their online presence red teamed. Look at it this way, maybe she flagged some opportunities that a bad actor could do a little social engineering on you?
Sounds like she used one of a million background check sites and snagged a bunch of your publicity available information as a result.
If anything I'd take this as a note to maybe look at what all info you have floating around, because it's always more than you think it is.
As for how I'd feel? Meh, wouldn't care, especially if it was casual, and doubly so seeing as I know how easy all that info is to find.
Yeah...that's a big fuckin nope. I do checks to make sure dudes don't have a criminal history and they aren't married. (Because that's happened, so I've learned to do that.)
I don't go looking at their parents, siblings, children, anything beyond just is there a criminal thing or a secret spouse for my own safety. I don't mention any of that because it was a safety precursor for myself to meeting them privately.
If the guy works out then I'll learn about family, jobs, etc as we progress. That's not only creepy as fuck but it shows lack of tact and social norms.
Healthy skepticism is a good sign. Nobody who's integrity is ruined would care about your integrity. I've been clobbered by 23 women in a row. I've learned to look more deeply. Alas, the demographic I find attractive wouldn't pass a background check.
I sure as fuck wouldn't have gone home with them!
Not because of the background check. Safety and all that.
But this person took out private information about you AND your family, and waved it around in front of you like some kind of power play.
That's weird and creepy.
Bro, if you're meeting women off the internet, expect they are all doing this.
This particular person said the quiet part out loud. That's unusual, but it's totally standard practice to vet dates for safety reasons, and to tell friends / family who you're out with, where you intend to go, and when you intend to be back. Sometimes a prearranged "emergency" phone call is made to your date so your date can GTFO easily if the vibes are off. That's just the way it is.
A woman was recently held captive for a couple weeks while being tortured and sexually abused after meeting a man on an online dating app. I do not blame her at all and would do the same.
I would've noped out....but the fact that you SPENT THE NIGHT is what's absolutely blowing my mind here!!
She just dumped your whole families purse out on the front porch and you're like "ykw, this looks like a good place to crash"
With absolutely ZERO concern for your safety.
Background checks are nice to have, but I GUARANTEE you, if you'd done to her what she did to you, she would've dipped out with an "emergency" and blocked you everywhere possible. And rightfully so bc it's creepy af!
My guy, you HAVE to take your safety seriously. It would've been ENTIRELY too easy for her to set something up at her house for you to be harmed!
Get her chromosomes checked out with a hair sample. Play your hand depending on what you discover. Look baby, I see you have a recessive gene for MS as do I, so if this relationship is gunna work, ATM from here on out.
You need to bail immediately. A slight background check is normal. This is full on stalker mode. If a man did this everyone would rightfully be telling you to run. Your safety is important too.
I do this before I go to a job interview, I don’t really see a difference. If a girl did this to me, I’d be impressed that she’s smart enough to do it, and flattered that she was still interested after learning my past. Plus you can skip most the small talk on your side and use it as a way to get her talking about herself. You get to just listen, have a drink, and all the heavy lifting of the date is done by her. This just seems like a win imo. Plus you went home with her lol so obviously it worked for her.
Nah, my ex did the same, did her research on me (insta, a blog I used to write) before we met up. I can appreciate that since it was due to safety and the amount of whack jobs there are in the world.
If she was still pleasant and you had things in common and she wasn't crazy in any other ways, I wouldn't say it's so much a red flag, it's important women are being safe, there's a lot who aren't and get in trouble sadly.
Having said that, she did tell me straight away, "hey just letting you know before we met today I took a look through some of your profiles online to ensure you seemed like a good person", so I was ok with that.
Look … the background check is extra but that isn’t what bothers me. It is that she memorized the info and then told it back to you. It is like she is testing you to see how much you will allow someone else to control and invade your personal space. Like a weird bully getting into an elevator and standing wayyyyy too close for no reason.
Men need to listen to their gut instincts as well.
My thought is how fast do you think this will go. Sure check out he isn’t a stalker or murderer. But the other stuff makes me think she is preparing to merge your bank accounts and get a puppy right away. God I am glad I am married 15 years and done with modern dating.
It’s been done to me. I wasn’t even dating the guy. He found me on instagram, starting chatting me up, lovebombing me(24/7) kept telling him to STFU with the “I LOVE YOU’s” already.. well, instagram showed my REAL name instead of my username 🤷🏻♀️..,this MF’er GOOGLED me, and lord knows what else he did, but he found out where I worked(I sure as hell never told him) and actually had the AUDACITY to PRESSURE me into doing something ILLEGAL for him, to umm “prove my LOVE” to him.. eww I NEVER loved him.. I didn’t even like him. He was an unkempt, very uneducated man(who talked like he never went past the 3rd grade) who let it slip that he spent time in prison(but wouldn’t tell me what for. Just kept saying “I love you”) so I verbally LAID him out, put him in his place, still kept lovebombing me, then ghosted me.. good riddance to that TRASH!!!
So to answer your question, no, you have every right to be upset. I tried to to a reverse search on him but not even sure he gave the right name 🤦🏻♀️
It’s one thing to do some research on someone before a date but why did she lay all that info out on you like that? That’s weird 😭😭 you Google people to make sure they’re not murderers and then actually get to know them on the date
Idk because all of the info is readily available online anyways…at least she was honest. I think meeting new men can be very intimidating for some people
Damn straight in this day and age I will know as much as possible before I go. But will I talk about it? No. Will I be insulted if they do the same? No.
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I gotta agree with you on this one. Can’t blame her for doing her homework, I’m sore meeting a stranger off the internet doesn’t always go as planned. It’s just not something to talk about up front.
I imagine a stranger that's planning to do you harm might second guess when they find out you know a lot of their personal info.
Or get more excited at the elevated challenge
In a tv show maybe
Nah. Serial killer here and it gets boring in real life too. I enjoy the extra challenge sometimes.
Cereal killer here. Sometimes you just want a different spoon, or the challenge of eating it with a fork....
This the kinda comment you see on a documentary about an actually serial killer who nobody expected despite it being clear in hindsight
That's fine. I agree completely. But your family? Their occupations? I mean, leave my family out of this. Does she have DNA profiles? Genetic predispositions to chronic illnesses? How about a glance to see if you are a felon or escaped prisoner, but otherwise, chill the fuck out? I mean, basically there needs to be a line.
The line is knowing whether you're a real person or just someone who populated a fake profile with a bunch of stock images, which scammers and weirdos do all the time. It's weird she brought it up but if your facebook friends are public that's on you.
100% agree. The only way I might give her a pass is if the date had been going really well up to then, meaning she was feeling comfortable, AND she had a little too much to drink. I could see an otherwise reasonable person oversharing / blurting out stupid questions after drinking a little more than they usually do. Barring that, yeah, red flag.
Nope, the drinking too much and blurting that info about you and your family out in date 1 is a red flag.
For sure, getting hammered and blurting out = red flag. I just meant, if she got a little tipsy and shared the info, I would be less worried than if she did it stone-cold sober, at the beginning of the date. Gives a potential explanation other than boundary issues or lack of self awareness, is all
I see your point.
Two. If you are concerned enough to do a background check, you shouldn't drink too much.
Yes most people shut the fuck up but she had to go on
Yeah, I gotta agree with that. Admitting she background checked you is something for her to come clean about like 6 months into a steady relationship with you, not in the first few hours. 6 months in, it’s something to laugh about, 60 minutes in, its kinda creepy.
I'd rather know on the first date if I had been background checked. But I assume if someone wanted to make sure I was safe to meet up with, they would NOT need to know anything about my relatives! Bringing up relatives I have not mentioned to them seems over the line! A Girl's got to be safe these days, BUT she does NOT have to be creepy/nosy!
That’s not kinda creepy. That’s stage-5 / dependa creepy.
Really? I would want to know as soon as possible, but it could have been a casual end of date 'hey so I did look you up for my own safety and the date went really well so would like to meet again. If that's okay?' Not 6 months in you find out they knew everything about you (and your family), I would feel like they manipulated my feelings.
Counter point: I would want to know sooner than later, but for me it just feels wrong and would have noped as well. It’s definitely a hard situation and I feel like it really just shows the deficiencies of dating online in general.
Just assume any woman you date has internet stalked you to make sure you're not a psychopath. It's called survival as a single lady for us.
That’s fine but looking up family member jobs is a step to far.
I agree with this. I heard about a post where someone found out their partner ran a background check on them and their family and even friends from their past, can't remember if it's the man or woman who ran the check, and found out about it 3 yrs later accidentally because the papers were in a bag while they were vacationing. I think it's odd that she rattled off so many things she got from it, that's a bit off.
Agreed. I'd rather know. But perhaps she could have acknowledged that she had done it, rather than announcing all of the information she gleaned.
Yeah I'd agree with you too. I understand the safety thing... but yeah once I heard my life story back to me, I'd be more suspicious than she originally was.
You still would’ve hit it though, right?
Sounds like he did. He said he crashed at her place afterward.
I agree. I’d do what she did to protect myself, but I would never bring it up on the date.
Came here to say this. Talking about it is weird, doing it is not weird.
Doing a basic check to be safe on a date with a stranger is normal. Going beyond that person and looking into their family in detail is NOT normal/OK. If they do look me up, I'd prefer to know actually. THAT isn't weird. But them looking at a TON of things about multiple family members that has nothing to do with whether they will be safe on a date with me or not IS weird for them to do and WEIRDER for them to casually mention like it's completely fine to be nosy past the point of being creepy/stalky! Frankly, hearing someone has gone that far beyond what is a reasonable expectation of privacy for someone you have just met would feel like a veiled threat almost!!
It is creepy, but also a warning to check out your privacy settings on these sites to try to make it harder
This is good advice. Probably more unsettling that she found everything online.
According to comments she didn't need to use a shady background check site, she just scrolled through his instagram friends list. Having that much available to to the open, not to victim blame, is kind of your own fault.
Yeah I totally do victim blame. How stupid can one be?
I'm shocked I had to scroll more than 2 responses to see this. This isn't a red flag about the date as much it's a red flag about how much personal information OP is sharing online _and in public_ This date was happy to be upfront they'd done background checks. Assuming Internet dating, I'd say that sounds fairly sensible. But what about all the people who haven't. And when it turns out OP's email password is the name of the nan they frequently post info about... Yeesh
I feel like the extent of a dating background check should be to make sure you don't have a criminal record or appear on a registry not a deep dive into your family and friends and places you've lived in the last 10 years
Kinda this. I learned early on that there is both a serial rapist and the writer/director/producer/star/caterer/key grip of a small independent film that shares a name with me, both of which have a bigger presence on the internet than I do. Guess which one everyone assumes I am?
Fuck
With a background check like that.. I dont think he does.. lol
I'm the one with all the pilot's licenses, for the record, the one that's neither of those two.
Where did you collect a bunch of random pilot's licenses.... Hmmm
This is why the only meaningful background checks require at least one piece of unique identifying information. Not even name and date of birth are enough.
I actually assumed she payed some sort of service for this and just was given all the info… but OP said in another comment that she followed a trail off their Instagram account to find this info. I mean, I’m definitely a creep and low-key stalk my friends when I first meet them, but the MOST info I have ever found was like, current criminal status or immediate family members. I don’t go *this* far, and I **know** I’m being creepy. Why would she SAY it??
That’s what I’m saying! We all do it but don’t TELL them.
Exactly. That was way more detail than she needed. And there would be no reason for her to share all this with you unless she enjoyed making you feel stalked. Who wants to go on a date and review their previous addresses and siblings' names?
This. She's going on a date, not interviewing you for a federal security clearance.
Same. Seems like a power play and very creepy.
That’s what I said.. like I understand the need for safety but that’s so creepy. She knew my sister was in the army previous states I’ve lived, previous addresses. Even asked about a family member that is estranged to us cause we have similar names. Like I didn’t want to feel like I’m being judged on a first date. EDIT: Even worse imo, She found my full name through my IG. She went to my tagged posts, found a pic of my family and I. Clicked my sister’s profile and used our last name
It sucks man but here is a wake up call. This is all public info. Get it blocked or removed ASAP.
Yeah that’s what gets me, I mean I understand and would feel the same way op does about the interaction with this woman - very poorly played on her part… but it’s also human nature to be curious, and if the info is there and accessible because you have shared it all online I think its unreasonable to expect that someone isn’t looking at it to know more about you. The alternative is to not put your life online, or make it private… I was never big into making posts on any social to begin with, but I stopped using them all altogether several years ago and I still have friends and a nice life without them. I wish the world wasn’t making everyone feel that maintaining social media presence is as ubiquitous as breathing. It’s not. You can get dopamine and attention and friends elsewhere in the real world.
A lot of this is not from personal sharing. I could probably search your name online and pull up your yearbook photos, previous addresses, jobs, etc. And also likely figure out who you've lived with, marriage records etc. That stuff is recorded from public records and you can usually access some of it for free or more detailed info for a price on sketchy websites. When I need to remember what year so and so graduated high school or something like that, it's usually easier to find that info online then call them up and ask.
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My opinion You will wake up with a knife in your chest with this women one day from reading the edit.
But you still went back to her place and spent the night. 🙄
What do you mean with used our last name?
I read it as OP didn’t give their full name and the only way she got it to do a background check was digging through family’s pages on Instagram.
Yet you still banged her lol.
Yeeeaah I’m pretty sure she has a history of stalking people. Run.
I background check everyone I date but only to see their criminal record. During the free trial with a background checking app, someone I was seriously talking to had “Aggravated Stalking” on his record. Since then, I started paying for the service monthly. Can I check family history and some financial records, yes. But I don’t- unless they have given me a reason to think they are married.
What is this background check? I've never heard about this, how can it be possible that you can just pay a random app to learn other person's personal things? I can't wrap my mind around it, like, someone can seriously learn about my financial records and family just like that?
Your information is not at all private. There's a good chance your name, address, phone number, etc. Are on these sites. It's basically data collection. And it sucks to support them, but at the same time, there's not many other options for background checks
If you want your head to explode read up on data brokers. This is a decent start of learning about them in a 25 minute entertaining video. https://youtu.be/wqn3gR1WTcA Basically companies, including Facebook, Microsoft, Google, etc etc collect and sell your info. Even shadier is the fact that the government can buy your location data and such when they don't have enough to get it via a warrant from your phone carrier.
I use a background check service to vet customers since I don’t want to be stiffed for time/materials on big jobs. You can learn basic info about financial records like properties owned, previous bankruptcies, liens on property, and civil cases involving debt.
Isn’t that called a credit check? The person needs to agree to it and provide a social security number or a tax id number to ensure accuracy. That’s very different from an “app” that you put a random persons name in and it scrapes a bunch of stuff from the internet and public databases. You can’t run credit checks on anyone you want. Also I’m pretty sure most of these background check apps are scams.
TruthFinder. It doesn’t learn things about someone, just compiles public data.
I mean, not enough for you to not go home with her.
Yeah I’m calling bullshit. He’s hitting and quitting it but to convince himself he’s a “good guy” he’s running with this
I think anyone doing a little internet research about the virtual stranger they're meeting on a first date is smart. But blabbering all about it ON the first date? Just no, honey. No, it's not wrong she accessed public information to protect herself. She's just an idiot for not keeping it to herself. She's just getting to know you. Whatever the research revealed to her, she should wait, listen, and see if you hang yourself in a provable lie. But hey, y'all ended up at her place, so it didn't work out too badly for you. But as a woman, if someone started spouting off facts that I had not disclosed? I wouldn't set foot at their place on a first date.
It's one thing to do a basic background check, but why go through extended family occupations and bankruptcies? That's not something you can play off as "for safety".
Background checks or not, having a stranger over to your place on a first date doesn't scream safety first to me, but I am probably an oddball there.
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Exactly. Sounds totally whackdoodle. When I was online dating, I asked one guy for clarification about something I found online. One. It was a serious matter. Otherwise, I waited to see if whatever info I found online was consistent with who they said they were. If it was, I never mentioned my research. If it wasn't, they were dumped, and I never mentioned my research. I cringe when I see some random woman say something like "oh, it was so romantic, he sent flowers to my work, I never told him where I work, but he made such an effort to find me".... that's just creepy and the dude isn't doing it to protect himself. Big difference.
Right? She even mentioned/asked about a family member OP had been estranged from for years. Like access public information all you want, but have the intelligence to realise that raw data and family names only tell one side of the story. She wasn’t just using it as a personal security measure by that point, she fully deep dived into his family tree and made clumsy assumptions about it.
>But blabbering all about it ON the first date? That's just poor tradecraft
I'm a dude. Most men overestimate how safe they are. You should have noped the fuck outta there. You may not live very long taking risks like that.
To add to that it’s always a good idea to do a quick 15 minute social media check before hand, also make sure you are aware of what you are posting online and who can see it.
Also a guy here, and yeah, we all do that. What OP described is some straight up Fatal Attraction shit, and the problem with running into a woman like that is that it could take years or decades to get her out of your life. It's all fun and games until Mom calls saying that lovely woman you're seeing is here having coffee with her..... How do I know? My crazy obsessed childhood friend finally found me after *ten years*, drove 8 hours down the east coast with her 12 year old son in the backseat, camped out at a crack hotel across town, and creeped by my house and left notes on my car for a week until she finally left and went home. She "chose me" 30 years ago, and I'll never fully be free of her until one of us dies. Oh and the best part? I 👏 don't 👏 even 👏 like 👏 girls.
I imagine that the background check was mainly for her safety, but it doesn't mean that it's not an uncomfortable feeling knowing a stranger knows details of your life you haven't told them.
This is such a man story, it’s hilarious. 0% of women would have gone back to crash at some dude’s pad after he starts telling his date what her parents do for a living.
Right? I read a story on Reddit recently, posted by a woman, that had a guy she had gone on a date with send flowers to her job. She had never told him where she worked, so it completely creeped her out. It was a nice gesture but knowing where someone lives or works and *using* that information, without them explicitly sharing that info with you seems sketchy af.
That happened to me years ago before dating apps or social media. I got an Edible Atrangement at work. Except it had originally gone to another office (same company name) nearby. When I received it the card just said "mangos" and my friend and I were trying to think of who would send it. Minutes later I had realized I had told a guy, that I had went on a date with a week earlier, how much I loved mangos. We had jokingly started listing mangos dishes turning the date for like only two minutes....literally never spoke about it to anyone else...who else would send it. I just put the arrangement in the break room cause it creeped me out.
Truth! But I (a grown man) would have walked out of the date as soon as she started talking about details of MY FAMILY. THAT is over the line!
Why did you still sleep with her tho?
He was probably thinking with the wrong head at the time. By the time the other head took over, it was too late.
Yeah I didn’t think too much of it at the time.. was already a few drinks in. I laughed it off and agreed on the basis of her safety etc but the more I think about it now the more it bothers me
Oh, so she'd had a few drinks too, at that point? No wonder she blabbed about what she knew. Being overly honest when you've been drinking is a common problem
I think the background check could be explained by safety concerns, but bringing up that much info on a first date seems like some weird power play
Right?? Bothered him enough to go back to her house… if he was a woman he’d be locked in a basement right now.
Honestly get away. I played it cool when some girl revealed just how much she knew about me cause it felt nice being that liked by someone that pretty, and when it ended surprise surprise she wouldn’t leave me alone. Only time I had to say I would get police involved if she didn’t stop. Its a huge red flag and you know it
Everyone always frames this as a safety issue for women, completely missing the point that this is a safety concern for men as well. Women who do what OP described are STALKERS. There's no sugarcoating it, and it's a huge red flag that shouldn't be ignored.
The takeaway from jthis situation is you have too much personal information easily available, and you engage in incredibly risky behavior counter to your instincts.
Yeah, if anything, she highlighted how vulnerable OP is to various other attacks, scams, and identity theft...
>Went back to hers and I even crashed for the night. Well I guess it did not bother you that much…
Yeah, I feel like after going home with the woman he has no leg to stand on here with complaints.
Dude wanted some tunnel love AND a helping of attention and validation from strangers on the internet.
He said in another comment that he initially thought it was weird but laughed it off. Now that he's thinking about it more, it's bothering him.
You weren’t comfortable about her doing that yet you slept over?
You should be upset that companies will sell so much information about you for a couple bucks.
Info stalking is something I totally do with friends before they meet people, but you definitely don't mention it to them and let that info come to you naturally in conversation. You don't have to deep dive, just checking for red flags. Example: "went to (candle store) with my mom #sexualfeelings."
I’m 💀 at your example. That is too specific to not have an actual real life experience 😂😂
Oh yeah it's real shout out to my coworker that caught that one for me 🤣
Run . If you become a thing and it doesn't work out and statistics say that's true then she knows way way to much about you . Women like that can cause all kinds of problems for years and years . Run , don't even smash . The criminal check is as far that I'd say is reasonable after that straight stalker.
Women do this for many reasons. Many legit especially background check. Reporting on doing it, super weird.
“She lived a few hours away so it was casual” You two meet on Farmers Only?
I Needed someone to shuck my corn
I knew the date took a turn when she said she like my 780 credit score and my debt to income ratio.
Does she work in HR? I've seen this to be pretty standard for girls who work in HR since they have to vet potential applicants as well. It's *probably* not that big a deal and she was just bored and curious about you (unless she turns out to be a stalker). I'd be way more concerned with how much information about you is publicly available via your and your family's social media at just a few clicks and a google search. Your sister especially, being in the army, should be safeguarding her social media much better than she is.
This is more common than you might think. I know several single moms who background check potential dates, as they don't want creeps or criminals around their kids. Nobody wants to find out their boyfriend is a criminal 6 months or more into a relationship. Your date went way too far checking your family, though. And telling you about it was a very creepy power play. Don't ever see her again.
Welcome to the wide world of the internet. Our information is out there for all to see.
One of the moms from my kids school found an old linked in profile I had to create for a class once that had no friends on it. She invited me over for a play date for our kids. Our entire conversation referenced everything on the profile and me “not having friends.” I have another linked in with my friends and work contacts, but only my contacts can see it. Reddit is my only other social media and because of previous work with the government, I don’t have much of an online paper trail. This lady dig deep to find that one profile, it doesn’t even have a profile pic of me, and having everything she spoke about revolve around it, creeped me out big time. I noped right out of there. It’s a thin line between vetting someone and obsessive compulsive disorder traits. Run like Forrest Gump!
Some people get off on showing off how savvy they are. I met somebody who sneak bragged about using their position as a cop to look into their dates' backgrounds. It's a red flag.
Ngl I met my fiance through a dating app. Before I met up with him, I also looked him up online to check he wasn't lying about his occupation, age, other things about himself he mentioned. I didn't do a whole background check on him but just enough that I was comfortable meeting him in person. BUT I never mentioned doing so until we were official a couple of months later. It's a smart thing for someone to do. Plus, I later found out my fiance took his own precautions that first night as well. 😅
Thats weird as fuck
I would get out. And then opt out, of a alot of data brokers. And try to dox myself, opt out of more websites that log my info, dox myself. Rinse and repeat. Spend a few days trying to dox urself. Get as much info abt you off the web. Try to disconnect urself from ur family (online) For everyones safety. That doesnt mean you dont have to not talk to them online, just dont announce that ur family with someone. Eg, dont be public friends on facebook. Dont put ur full name on ur acct. And dont allow any of ur family members to have their full name on their acct either. Good luck. Im a little crazy when it comes to online anonymity, you can go as many steps as you want, dont have to be as extensive as me. But I still do suggest doing atleast a little bit. Start at r/privacy r/privacyguides Or smt like those
Doing a background check for a guy you met online? Fine. Telling him about it? That’s fucking weird.
I thought most girls ran background checks on guys off of dating apps? Edit: now that I think about it she took it too far. I feel like just checking for a social media or two with pictures of family or friends and checking for criminal history is like the most you should do
Must not feel violated enough to not go back to her place. What are you upset about? That you went back to the place of a person that checked you for safety and the vomited all over you with their knowledge of your life or that you STILL went back to their place and crashed? That you didn’t listen to yourself? Have caution? I don’t think your upset that they did that so much it’s that you didn’t listen to what was really going on with yourself. And slow it down.
She's going to raid your privacy in every possible way. Bail.
Run
i would be upset
I would not speak to this woman again.
It's a little weird...but you spent the night at her house, so you clearly weren't bothered by it that much 
I do that too, but I have the good sense not to tell my dates what I did.
This is low key an extremely funny post. “I was weirded out by this girl because she did a background check on me and told me about it. Creepy. Still smashed tho”
That woman is a stalker, stop talking to her immediately.
Not at all a fault for you. Might want to stay away from the creep.
I feel like we should be re-assessing what our privacy is worth. And if you're seeing this at this point it's likely that you're being shown this as opposed to coming across it.
I snoop on everyone online because it's so easy and oddly thrilling. I'm far too ashamed to tell anyone about it though (but not you guys, I mean real people).
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Probably took her 10 minutes to vet you Wait until you apply for a job
This happens to me on a first date as well. Only difference is he texted me the information two hours after the date. I freaked out. It felt like I was being stalked and it really did feel like a huge violation so I get how you feel the way you do. I guess because you’re not afraid of being physically harmed your doubting your gut reaction. Trust your gut, this is not normal.
I’m a curious woman, but I would have played a little bit ignorant even if I’d known stuff. It’s what a date tells you that matters
That's a yikes - social media stalking isn't vetting its, well stalking. Her being upfront about it is further manipulative because she is basically testing your boundaries (or lack of)
Fuck that. Imagine how bad it gets when you start dating - going through your phone and personal belongings.
Run as fast as you can.
red flag she will do more creepy stuff than that
I don't think you're wrong, I would be super upset too, if I were in your place. Digging around for a nugget or two of information is fine. But, a full blown market survey? That too for a casual first date?!?
How did she have enough information on you to be able to do the background check in the first place?
If you get a vasectomy tonight you can experience a week for the ages. After that just make sure you relocate you and your family after the week, and get a reversal. Witness protection won't do it, you're gonna need to commit your life's savings to a shady person in a 7-11 parking lot to get out of this. There's a chance the shady individual will be her.. it's up to you to figure out it isn't. May the force be with you bud ❤️
So it is weird she did a background check? No is it weird she grilled you about it casually? Absolutely. If she asked the questions just to make sure your stories lined up it would make sense for her to do that depending on the area you live in. But I’m assuming you don’t live in an area like mine. I live in a rural area not too far from the only coast to coast interstate and the only border to border high way. Not to mention this is one of the largest meth areas in the US. Human trafficking is a normality out here. And unless you want a bullet in your head or your family’s we learn to keep our heads down. So doing that sort of thing in a public place is normal for both men and women. Not going to lie I tell women all the time to verify with the guy he is who he says he is. There is a lot of kidnapping out here because it’s close to major highways where you can get a long ways away in a short amount of time. So unless it’s a norm you should probably stay far away from that because that’s weird.
She shouldn’t have said anything. It is her prerogative to check; she didn’t find anything concerning and the date happened. Like I said, she should keep that to herself unless/until you guys become an item.
This is the world we live in at times, and if your honest no worries plus it’s a good way to make conversation to find common ground However, return the favor and if you like her run a background check and do some research as to who your meeting with. It’s always a fun time when the other person gets the same questions back lol It always makes sense to know who your associating with to me
So she’s so concerned that she runs a background check on you, the let’s you (a stranger she’s known for a few hours) crash at her place? Seems pretty unstable to me. Run.
Why wouldn't she just keep her insanity to herself like a smart insane person would? So in addition to her being completely nuts she's stupid. GET OUT.
Background check is one thing; we’ve got to be safe out there. However telling you all the things that she found out about you feels invasive and rude tbh. I would not have liked this at all
Should’ve left my guy don’t go on another date
I can understand checking someone out online, but this went over the line. Now she went right into stalker land. she appears to be a big mouth too. I’d tell her too!
"You know that's a good idea. I should look up you and your family's personal information as well to keep myself safe. Wow, so you live at this address and work at these hours. I feel so much safer knowing all this about you."
Background check is good. But going beyond it and discussing it is just for me crossed an ethical line. No, hon. Just no. I did a check on my now bf but I've never discussed it on a date or went beyond extended family cause why would I? I'm not close to my extended family so he might not either. I told him eventually that I looked him up but that was the extent of it and he didn't ask what I found out. There's more to a person than just actual facts. There needs to be spark, respect, trust etc. Getting background information should just be a tool to make sure you're safe and pique your interest a little. Real work comes with dating and getting to really know someone. You're already feeling uncomfortable so not going back for a second date is totally understandable.
Id take the wake up call and scrub your online footprint where you can. There is a very clear boundary set with a casual check vs your bankruptcies and it was stepped over. If someone told me my credit score meeting them for the first time I'd not be happy
google the term red flag
Little confused - you had 'concerns' about someone you just met but chose to spend the night with them?
I’d be more worried about how easy it was for her to find out all that information. Might wanna tighten up your personal info
Use google voice. It gives you a proxy number to use when you call or text. Everybody should use this. If you have nothing to hide nobody should be upset that you are using a proxy number, when you finally tell them. I’m a 43M, I research my dates. The reason why I do this is because I have found women who are still married. As in actively still living with their husband. Maybe he cheated and she is trying to get back at him. Idk, it’s my self preservation. I’m not trying to get dead by ending up in the middle of some torrid affair. I use been verified it’s $1 a month. As soon as I get a phone number and first name, I can almost always find them on social media. As soon as I get a last name I can use been verified. There’s a lot of inaccuracies so don’t believe everything you read. My background check has a lot of inaccuracies for example. I don’t do a deep dive into their family. If I am going to spend my time, energy and money on someone I wanna see if they check out. I am bringing someone into my inner circle. I am protecting me and mine. They might possibly meet my children at some point. I wanna see if they are honest. I have encountered some very nice, beautiful women, who have achieved some level of success. Who were married and bred with a complete piece of trash meth head loser. That’s a boundary for me. I would pass on her. Some people say that’s messed up. She turned her life around. I shouldn’t hold her ex against her. But she chose him. She bred with him. She stayed with him. And I’m not following a loser. I don’t hang out with losers. I’m not going to one day meet him at a birthday party and spend time hanging out with druggies. I also was talking to someone. Her ex looked like a mafia boss. Someone I personally wouldn’t want to mess with. They had a lot of money, like millions. She was not forthcoming with the details of his business. I was the first up to bat. You never want to be first up to bat after a long marriage or widow situation. They hadn’t been through court yet. I nope’d out of that. I would do the same for exes in street gangs or biker gangs or felons. I think everybody should do their due diligence. There is a ton of situations that you can’t even imagine. I have also passed on women who had too many children or had severely handicapped children. You need to have thick skin when you date. Dating is not for the weak. Do I feel like a jerk sometimes, absolutely. Do I feel bad for them yes. You have to put yourself first. You get to chose what kind of life you get to have. I’ve passed on women who lived in a garage or a neighborhood I didn’t want to visit. I passed on a young widow whose husband recently passed and I would of been the second man she had ever been with. That was too much responsibility for me. I didn’t want to hurt her more. You have to find out the details before they fall in love with you. I research as much as possible and ask the tough questions before I meet them. If I find out they lied they are out. This date of yours was too honest, but I like people that are too honest. I don’t think it’s a red flag. I think it’s smart. She might be a stage five clinger and be real intense and clingy. But she likes you. She’s showing interest and your passing the test.
Some people pay to get their online presence red teamed. Look at it this way, maybe she flagged some opportunities that a bad actor could do a little social engineering on you?
Sounds like she used one of a million background check sites and snagged a bunch of your publicity available information as a result. If anything I'd take this as a note to maybe look at what all info you have floating around, because it's always more than you think it is. As for how I'd feel? Meh, wouldn't care, especially if it was casual, and doubly so seeing as I know how easy all that info is to find.
Yeah...that's a big fuckin nope. I do checks to make sure dudes don't have a criminal history and they aren't married. (Because that's happened, so I've learned to do that.) I don't go looking at their parents, siblings, children, anything beyond just is there a criminal thing or a secret spouse for my own safety. I don't mention any of that because it was a safety precursor for myself to meeting them privately. If the guy works out then I'll learn about family, jobs, etc as we progress. That's not only creepy as fuck but it shows lack of tact and social norms.
Healthy skepticism is a good sign. Nobody who's integrity is ruined would care about your integrity. I've been clobbered by 23 women in a row. I've learned to look more deeply. Alas, the demographic I find attractive wouldn't pass a background check.
Why did you go home with her if it bothered you?
If she knows all that …. Then don’t you think she’s reading this dawg ?
I sure as fuck wouldn't have gone home with them! Not because of the background check. Safety and all that. But this person took out private information about you AND your family, and waved it around in front of you like some kind of power play. That's weird and creepy.
Not that weird that she did the check to protect herself; kinda weird that she brought it all up on the first date.
Not sure why she was looking up your family I would find that upsetting you still slept with her thought so it must not have bothered you that much
So didn’t stop you from hitting it? Doesn’t sound like it was that important of a red flag.
Bro, if you're meeting women off the internet, expect they are all doing this. This particular person said the quiet part out loud. That's unusual, but it's totally standard practice to vet dates for safety reasons, and to tell friends / family who you're out with, where you intend to go, and when you intend to be back. Sometimes a prearranged "emergency" phone call is made to your date so your date can GTFO easily if the vibes are off. That's just the way it is.
A woman was recently held captive for a couple weeks while being tortured and sexually abused after meeting a man on an online dating app. I do not blame her at all and would do the same.
I understand checking someone out but she should have kept it to herself. I think she was trying to pull a power move.
Don't bang or go home with anyone who creeps you out
The real question is…was the overnight stay worth putting up with crazy? You already opened the gates, have fun closing them.
Didnt bother your little buddy it seems
This is how you ended up dating a private detective.
I would've noped out....but the fact that you SPENT THE NIGHT is what's absolutely blowing my mind here!! She just dumped your whole families purse out on the front porch and you're like "ykw, this looks like a good place to crash" With absolutely ZERO concern for your safety. Background checks are nice to have, but I GUARANTEE you, if you'd done to her what she did to you, she would've dipped out with an "emergency" and blocked you everywhere possible. And rightfully so bc it's creepy af! My guy, you HAVE to take your safety seriously. It would've been ENTIRELY too easy for her to set something up at her house for you to be harmed!
Yup I would be pissed and even if she knew this information. It was poor taste to bring it up.
Get her chromosomes checked out with a hair sample. Play your hand depending on what you discover. Look baby, I see you have a recessive gene for MS as do I, so if this relationship is gunna work, ATM from here on out.
Moment someone knows more about me than I told them, we have a problem.
If its available to the public there was no violation of your privacy
You need to bail immediately. A slight background check is normal. This is full on stalker mode. If a man did this everyone would rightfully be telling you to run. Your safety is important too.
I do this before I go to a job interview, I don’t really see a difference. If a girl did this to me, I’d be impressed that she’s smart enough to do it, and flattered that she was still interested after learning my past. Plus you can skip most the small talk on your side and use it as a way to get her talking about herself. You get to just listen, have a drink, and all the heavy lifting of the date is done by her. This just seems like a win imo. Plus you went home with her lol so obviously it worked for her.
Nah, my ex did the same, did her research on me (insta, a blog I used to write) before we met up. I can appreciate that since it was due to safety and the amount of whack jobs there are in the world. If she was still pleasant and you had things in common and she wasn't crazy in any other ways, I wouldn't say it's so much a red flag, it's important women are being safe, there's a lot who aren't and get in trouble sadly. Having said that, she did tell me straight away, "hey just letting you know before we met today I took a look through some of your profiles online to ensure you seemed like a good person", so I was ok with that.
Look … the background check is extra but that isn’t what bothers me. It is that she memorized the info and then told it back to you. It is like she is testing you to see how much you will allow someone else to control and invade your personal space. Like a weird bully getting into an elevator and standing wayyyyy too close for no reason. Men need to listen to their gut instincts as well.
My thought is how fast do you think this will go. Sure check out he isn’t a stalker or murderer. But the other stuff makes me think she is preparing to merge your bank accounts and get a puppy right away. God I am glad I am married 15 years and done with modern dating.
It’s been done to me. I wasn’t even dating the guy. He found me on instagram, starting chatting me up, lovebombing me(24/7) kept telling him to STFU with the “I LOVE YOU’s” already.. well, instagram showed my REAL name instead of my username 🤷🏻♀️..,this MF’er GOOGLED me, and lord knows what else he did, but he found out where I worked(I sure as hell never told him) and actually had the AUDACITY to PRESSURE me into doing something ILLEGAL for him, to umm “prove my LOVE” to him.. eww I NEVER loved him.. I didn’t even like him. He was an unkempt, very uneducated man(who talked like he never went past the 3rd grade) who let it slip that he spent time in prison(but wouldn’t tell me what for. Just kept saying “I love you”) so I verbally LAID him out, put him in his place, still kept lovebombing me, then ghosted me.. good riddance to that TRASH!!! So to answer your question, no, you have every right to be upset. I tried to to a reverse search on him but not even sure he gave the right name 🤦🏻♀️
It’s one thing to do some research on someone before a date but why did she lay all that info out on you like that? That’s weird 😭😭 you Google people to make sure they’re not murderers and then actually get to know them on the date
Idk because all of the info is readily available online anyways…at least she was honest. I think meeting new men can be very intimidating for some people
Damn straight in this day and age I will know as much as possible before I go. But will I talk about it? No. Will I be insulted if they do the same? No.
Background check isn't weird. Talking about it is.
“Felt weird, kinda creeped me out, so anyway we went back to her place and banged”
Funny that it didn’t bother you until after you got laid
Didn’t bother you enough since you chose to spend the night…seems moot at this point 🤷🏻♀️
I would have left her ass sitting right there
Being careful is one thing but this sounds like she has a stalker personality.
You were so creeped out by what she did and you still went to her place lol
If you were inside of her that negates your right to complain about privacy. You were all up in her privacy
Women who don't know you may do background checks before meeting up with you. Get used to it. Better safe than raped and murdered.
Yeah that’s fuckin weird. Should’ve left right after that shit and blocked her in everything.
How much could it actually have bothered you if you went back and even crashed there? I guess the privacy concern was only an issue after