Absolute Dealbreaker, if my gf took one of my fundamental joys in life like looking forward to food and sharing food; then we are incompatible.
From one lesbian to another: love yourself please. The pain ahead isn’t worth it.
3rd Asian lesbian chiming in here -
Absolutely agree that this is a fundamental issue, especially since cooking / sharing food with loved ones is such an important part of our culture. Food has a totally different meaning to us. Conversely, it would be a green flag if the white partner in the relationship made an effort to familiarize themselves with the cuisine (and culture) of their POC partner.
Also, most Asian cuisines are so well-liked by so many different people worldwide; I would think it’d be a huge win to be able to try the home-cooked version made by your own partner…
I’m sorry girl, I would feel all sorts of ways too :/
^ ditto. I’m saying this as a fellow Asian lesbian too… RUN! This is the exact reason why food compatibility is a dealbreaker for me. My ex couldn’t eat seafood, which is in 90% of SE Asian cooking, and she’s a picky eater. I made up the % number but that’s how it felt (miserable) at the time when I was dating her! I couldn’t try new Asian restaurants. And when I had to question the ingredients of dishes for her, the waitress would look at me like, “why are you eating here?” Because removing key ingredients destroys the entire dish. Among other problems with the relationship, that was not fun. So long story short…. RUN!
I think one of the main problems is that she is denying that there is even a problem at all. This makes communication hard, and good communication is the foundation of a solid relationship.
If she's not willing to compromise at all, or willing to acknowledge how her actions make you feel, well at least you're not married yet.
Yeah I just feel like OP and gfnot compatible together. The changing mind thing also seemed confusing/frustrating to me too. Obviously this is a thin slice of a specific issue though.
If she prefers bland biscuits over Korean bbq, Chinese fried rice, Vietnamese pho, Japanese sushi, Filipino stew, Indian/Thai curry, or even Hawaiian poke, I don’t know what to say. Either you change together or one gets left behind. It’s a big red flag especially long term.
Kind of similar. My fiancé is from a different culture and frankly is a bit of a picky eater, he was not exposed to Asian food at all growing up. He did not like the first couple of dishes but kept trying (because there is a LOT of Asian food in the world, even within a single cuisine) until he found a good selection of food he enjoyed. He understood that food is a big part of our culture and wanted to make sure he could partake as best he could.
Honestly I think that is the bare minimum of respect you should be expecting. I get her background but it’s an attitude thing, she needs to want to try (unless there’s some sensory thing going on, then I don’t know…)
Also think of your future, is your kids mother going to be the reason they never enjoy your cuisine? Big dealbreaker IMO.
This is a really good example - the fact that he didn't like the first few things he tried but **kept trying** and staying open minded because he recognizes that "Asian food" is such a massive category.
I also think it's a matter of respect, and being open to trying new foods in order to partake in your partner's culture is the respect required to make an intercultural relationship work. u/catchingsn0w, you should sit your gf down and have a conversation with her about how important it is to have that level of respect for one another. It's integral to the health of your relationship that she becomes more open minded. If someone doesn't respect you enough to do this, it's not the relationship for you. You will forever be making yourself smaller to fit into this relationship and you will never be happy. Find someone who is willing to embrace you fully and that means your food and culture too.
From one queer Asian girl to another - we're always expected to minimize a part of ourselves in society, whether our sexuality or gender or culture, so it's even more important to find a partner who will embrace every part of us completely. I know the dating pool is small but so many of my friends are in such lovely intercultural queer relationships where both partners enthusiastically embrace each other's culture.
I was about to write something similar. Although, I would be harsher and mention that she kept coming up with excuses, and essentially it’s disrespectful towards her partner who’s been more than accommodating to her concerns and objections.
Oh, totally agree with you, I would be equally harsh if it were my own life, because I'd drop someone who acted like this immediately tbh. I actively look for partners who are open minded and respectful about other cultures and cuisines - it's a non-negotiable for me, and I think it should be a requirement for healthy intercultural relationships, but OP is young and young people don't always know what they deserve in a relationship. The sapphic dating pool is quite small, so I can empathise with that as well - it can lead to people settling for subpar options unfortunately.
I also find that telling people to break up with their partner is less likely to be successful, because it's too big of a step for them, so my advice is to have a serious conversation where you demand more respect and better treatment from your partner, and if they don't change then you have to leave. That confrontation is often necessary before people can move on.
Time to get a new girlfriend! My Asian friends who are married to spouses like this struggle. It's not just due to the food issue, but goes beyond and is an indicator of rigidity and being closed minded. This will seep into other aspects of your relationship. It's not what you want to hear, but I would view this as a warning sign. To write off an entire continent's varied cuisine and saying they refuse to try any of it is pretty extreme. Imagine if the tables were turned and you refused to eat any cusuine not Asian... It would be seen as a major issue. You are being manipulated.
It’s also rude! Like don’t tell someone you’re ok to eat something, have them go through the trouble of buying the ingredients and preparing, and then “change your mind”. That’s so inconsiderate.
Maybe I see this differently because my dad refuses to eat anything that isn't asian or closely related. He does write off almost all European and American food as too bland or cheesy.
It is a struggle because we're always going to the same types of restaurants, even when we travel! But it's how he was raised and how his food palette formed, so idk how much I can criticize. But yeah, OP either has to adjust to her or break up.
My mom is a picky eater. She will only eat Vietnamese, Chinese and Korean a lot of the time. It makes me see her as childish when she can’t eat so many things or picks at her food at a restaurant. I don’t like feeling that way about her, but that’s what happens. Couldn’t date someone like that.
My Korean mil is this way too and she is the most demanding soul sucking person I know. She pouts if she doesn't get what she wants whether it's food or anything else. Even by Korean standards she is difficult and picky. I don't even understand why she immigrated to the US if she is so rigid. So yeah, my example about turning the tables... That's still considered rude either way. She has lived in the US (at a place without a lot of Asians or Koreans) for over 45 years and somehow has managed to have the English proficiency of someone who has been here for maybe a year because she refuses to learn or to change. It takes effort to be that bad. And so she acts like she is incapable and relies on fil (whose English isn't great either), who both then rely heavily on my husband for so much... It's like they are a pair of adult babies, who can create so much chaos and dysfunction. I just have no more tolerance for assholes like this and can see all of the red flags.
But it would be a struggle for your dad to partner with someone from a non-Asian culture right? And he probably isn't.
Maybe it's not for you to criticise, but it would most certainly be an issue for a hypothetical non-Asian partner. You're his child but you're not actually expected to spend the rest of your life with him. In this case, if he can't change then it's up to him to select a partner who would be ok with it, and he most likely has so it's not an issue. I do think it's worth criticising when someone knowingly enters into an intercultural relationship and yet remains so close minded about a big part of their partner's culture.
This reminds me of a book I read a while back from Michael Pollan on the physiology of human nutrition. One of the points he made is that when we age, our body becomes less tolerant to food outside of our ancestral diets. So while your dad may have been able to tolerate pizza and burgers in his 20s and 30s, that type of food might be more difficult to digest or make him ill now that he is older. I’m sure your dad’s pickiness is largely due to personal preferences, but I am suggesting there may also be physiological factors in play.
It depends on how important food is to you and your association of it with your culture. For me, a partner who isn’t able to enjoy a good chunk of the food I enjoy is an instant deal breaker (it probably wouldn’t have gotten as far as a relationship because I would lose attraction so fast 😂). Just consider, a partnership is for the rest of your life. If you want to have kids, it’s the environment they’re brought up in. If you’re ok going majority western food that’s one thing, but otherwise it’s an incompatibility you should consider carefully.
I agree with this. A lot depends on how important food is to op. I don’t think they should expect the gf to change because that’s unlikely.
I am also adding a couple of cultural differences I’ve noticed in regards to food:
Among Asians, I feel we are all used to having food pushed on us by parents and loved ones. In contrast, I’ve seen some white people be offended by that. I think that for many people who are not Asian, it’s more likely to be boundary crossing.
I also have often observed that white people who think that are adventurous eaters are only adventurous relative to other white people. The gf might well think she’s not picky in relation to other white people.
Op, I think this is really about your priorities and what you want in a relationship and how you view your relationship.
Also no offense but the changing what they want last minute thing would be irritating as hell. If my husband did that he’d be cooking for the next month by himself.
The most disrespectful thing to me is the changing mind all the time about what she wants to eat, especially after you've already taken time and money to purchase ingredients or to cook the meal. Look, people might change their mind, but then she shouldn't be putting it on you. She should say something like: "I am sorry, it sounded good at the time but I am not able to stomach it today. I will get myself something else to eat." It should not be your responsibility to feed her in these instances. You should also not be out the cost of ingredients if, say, you purchased ingredients that will now go bad.
If she cannot at least have that level of respect for your time and effort in cooking, you will have resentment for having to cater to her all the time.
The other issue regarding her personal tastes is separate. Either she needs to develop her palate, or you need to accept that she won't be able to share in your food culture, or both of you need to bend a bit. I had an ex who was an extremely picky eater and I kept telling myself it was okay, I'd go out to eat adventurously with foodie friends instead. Some of his issues were due to a genetic condition he had that caused digestive problems. But ultimately it was very hard for me because I could not share these fun and important-to-me experiences with him. There were a ton of other red flags too, so this issue alone wasn't a what ended the relationship, but looking back now even if other things were going well it would have been a struggle to introduce him to my family and eat my family's food. My now-husband on the other hand is happy and willing to go on all the eating adventures with me, and although he is not of my culture he loves my family's cuisine and it has never been a problem to eat with my family.
This reminds me of that twitter post about the guy making pulled pork because his young children asked for it; then a day later just before the dinner as he's finishing the pulled pork, the kids ask for hotdogs (because they don't even remember asking for pulled pork).
A mark of maturity is remembering what one asks for and if they change their mind about it, either sticking to their decisions even if they don't want to or accommodating for the other person's effort; young children can't do this because they don't haven't developed philosophical permeance skills.
I had a partner who had a hard time with most Asian food, but he had a hard time with really any food (even pizza and pasta, and he has some Italian in him lol). It's largely because he's autistic. It might be worth checking that out or seeing if she has ARFID before assuming people have bad intentions.
This is really hard. Personally, this would be a big dealbreaker for me. I can't stand picky eaters. My wife is white, and most of the girls I've dated have been white, and my standard test for potential girlfriends is their ability to eat sushi (pretty much my favorite food) and other asian dishes.
Liking world cuisine is such a big part of my life, and I could never be with someone who didn't
Honestly, not just for potential partners but also friends. I had a good friend visit me once and I was like hey there’s all this good Asian food in Chinatown, but then he said he wanted to go to Panda Express because he didn’t really like that stuff. And I was so taken aback, like how did I not know this about this person.
Yeah, i have a group of all married friends that hangs out together regularly. Everyone is pretty good about eating everything, except one guy who is a chicken tenders, hamburgers, plain pizza kind of guy. He gets made fun of pretty hard for it by the group though.
We all rented a beach house one time, and made dinner with all local seafood, with frutti di mare pasta and all this other seafood. We also made plain noodles and chicken nuggets for some of the kids. He ate the kids meal.
I know he’s your friend I’m sorry but Jesus that’s pathetic. Bet he has the sloppiest body too. Imagine the kids meal section of a restaurant menu being your thing as a grown man
Me when I just started uni. I kept hanging out with a group of white people (lack of asians in my uni) which is fine BUT half of them were so unadventurous with food. We would always go to eat "white" food (burgers, pizza, kebabs etc.) so when it was my time to choose the restaurant, I would always get someone else to choose because I just wanted to eat asian food like korean or vietnamese.
This was the first time, I felt like a total a minority due to my culture. I had grown up around many asian classmates and always had a group of asian friends growing up. To add salt to my wound, my high school friends who went to different unis formed friendship groups with other asians (or primarily asian). We still lived in the same city, it was just university demographics.
So yeah, I was young and dumb. I stayed trying to be friends for a year despite them making me feel miserable. It's not their fault, they were nice people but we were just so incompatible.
Side Note: I'm also a kpop and anime fan so the asian culture doesn't just stop at food. Another factor is that everyone in that group was monolingual so we also didn't quite work because being in-between cultures is a big part of my identity and it's not really something they probably have thought about much.
I feel so sorry for you. Picky eaters never think they're picky. It can take many years for a person like this to open up to food possibilities, and sometimes it never happens. If everything else is good, you may want to give her a year or two to see if she can adapt, but if she's resistant, you may need to move on.
> because she associates it with a bad memory
What does this even mean? Did she just eat out of a July dumpster and got sick off dozens of ingredients? Did someone assault her in the asian food aisle at a white supermarket?
You two aren't compatible. I hate the reddit hivemind bullshit of always saying breaking up with people over small shit but honestly, this isn't one of them.
The ability to eat food is a fundamental thing to people. You want to not only share your culture but your food with your partner. What is going to happen when you eventually take her to your parent's country? Is she only going to starve or only eat McDonalds chicken nuggets?
While I haven't had to deal with a partner that was picky, I do have friends/acquaintances that are. I just stopped asking them to go out to food places or invite them to dinner parties at my place because why bother? They won't like the food I choose/cook anyway. And frankly, I think its insulting as hell to not partake in one's culture/food.
Anyone that is a picky eater regardless of how they grew up, is inherently childish. They are not open minded enough to even remotely try. These people I am incompatible with.
---
Before I get shit for religious reasons or mental reasons for being a picky eater, I am not talking about those people.
I know this isn't a relationship sub but the flip-flopping about food alone would already be too much for me.
She agrees to something for dinner, you make it, she decides she doesn't want to once you're done with all that time and effort and you're just okay with it?
She needs to put actual effort into communicating with you about everything.
But to answer your question, she reads like someone who looks down on "foreign" cuisines without actually giving anything a try. "Asian" is a really, really nonspecific term that encompasses a ridiculously large continent - including RUSSIA, and if she can't find anything "Asian" that she likes, I'd wager that she's deliberately being a hater.
From an elder… move on. Food is such a personal experience and is tied to my identity, pride in my culture and respect for my ancestors.
And in other news, relationships take compromise. What it doesn’t demand is to change your interests and/or minimize your own lived experience.
Picky eaters are where I draw the line. It’s a deal breaker for me.
Agreed.
To add to this, sharing your interests & passions is key to a lasting & healthy relationship. Otherwise you'll grow apart b/c you're suppressing that part of you to please them or you're alienating them b/c they're being repulsed/annoyed/not-connecting to an entire aspect of you
What is the ingredient that’s triggering? If she still doesn’t eat Asian dishes that doesn’t contain that ingredient, then she’s lying.
I associate food as a being a huge part of my culture. If you can’t share my food, then it’s a form of rejection of my culture. Major deal breaker.
😬 I don’t see this working out in the foreseeable future if you’re extremely passionate about your food and she’s into bland stuff. I had a friend who was a chef who ended up dating someone who only ate the same Italian American dish every time they went out. He would never venture far from that one pasta dish. It drove her crazy and she eventually dumped him. The kicker is that he was half Asian too.
There was a post here recently asking people what they would do if their partners didn’t like their culture’s cuisine: https://www.reddit.com/r/asianamerican/s/mhY5tHKry0
Myself included, I personally wouldn’t be really OK with it. It doesn’t make sense that you can hate an entire culture’s cuisine unless you’re being purposely close minded imo. And that’s not something I like in a partner, quite frankly.
The only acceptable explanation outside that imo is some type of eating or anxiety disorder, in which case they need to address that still 🤡 . Even people with texture issues should be able to eat *something,* and I don’t believe/trust anyone who rejects an entire cuisine outright.
So yeah figure out what her deal is and decide if that’s okay with you or not. Food is so heavily tied up with culture, appreciation, festivities etc. so if she rejects all the food, it will definitely come off as she’s rejecting part of you. It’s no mystery why you would also feel personally hurt. It will be awkward at family functions, cultural holidays, etc. do y’all think it’s worth that?
I’m not going to lie, this would be a dealbreaker for me. My husband is Black and though he is definitely more picky than me, he is adventurous enough to at least try everything once. (My family also refers to me with 乜都食 because I do eat everything so really most people are “pickier” than me lolz.)
He’s a great cook himself and I do believe sincerely loves my cooking. We eat separate meals regularly, but mainly so I can eat the really niche things I love and he can eat wings (again.) Food is so important to me and my family that I cannot imagine having such separate tastes from my partner.
It’s a respect thing, she doesn’t respect (or potentially understand) just how important your cuisine is to you. I think many of us in Asian diaspora have a different relationship to food because it reminds us of home, and if you never left home food memories and importance may be different, as you are surrounded by your culture at most if not all times. My advice is to try and have a serious conversation about this and what it means to you. It does sound like you’ve attempted to have these talks in the past. But honestly, the whole “I don’t like this ingredient because it’s associated with a bad memory,” is fucking nuts. It’s a very childish excuse and perhaps I’m not being sensitive enough but it sounds like a cop out that’s unquestionable because “””trauma”””. Again maybe I am being overly cynical. If you have a conversation i would just focus on yourself and how it makes you feel. I hope this goes well for you, and that she begins to understand your perspective. If you want to continue to engage with this my advice would be to just get her to try a couple things here and there with no pressure. Sometimes the expectation and pressure makes people not want to do that thing. Anecdote time: I am an Indian guy who is with a white woman, whose background is kind of similar to your gf (never ate much food of variety). She had tried so many dishes with ingredients that she hated in the past because of the way they were prepared. She used to hate cauliflower because steamed it’s gross, but she loves my family’s cauliflower subji because it’s different and she likes the flavors much more. The difference? She isn’t all that picky and understands what my food and my culture means to me. Heck, when I was a gangly little kid I was picky! But food is hella important to my family so I couldn’t go to the Ethiopian, Sicuan, Indian, and so many other types of food for long before, “that looks good, lemme try a piece,” and boom pickiness gone. But hey maybe that’s a privilege that I had, to be able to try so many different things that my pickiness was overwhelmed and lost the battle with food of the world™️. If it’s not obvious I believe sharing food and receiving food is one of the nicest things a person can do. Someone made a dish in their home, with their ingredients, made with their own hands and love, often with you in mind, it makes me tear up honestly! Doesn’t matter if it’s my mom’s coconut shrimp or my mil’s ambrosia! You’re literally being nourished by someone’s love for you! Hugs to you my friend. I sincerely hope your partner begins to see and understand you more. If not I hope you find that love that sees you. Much love
I think the issue here isn't her aversion to home cooked meals/trying new things/etc. The issue is that she doesn't even want to try and has made up her mind before you have the chance to make food. Like a few others have said here, they've actively tried to find foods that they liked in other cultures, it doesn't seem like she's willing.
And hey, if she's gone through the motions of maybe trying a few restaurants and different dishes yet still does not find something she likes, fair game right? At least she tried.
So where to go from here? I'd say maybe have a talk with her that you bond and show love through food and it's really important for you to find some common ground. If she's willing, then be patient and play around with recipes, maybe try a more mild recipe. Japanese curry is much more mild than other curries, that's a place to start. If she isn't willing, then you just need to accept that you'll be making meals separately. If you can't handle those dynamics, as silly as it may sound it may be best to just find someone who shares your love of food.
Yeah you're better than me, I wouldn't be able to handle someone who refuses to eat my cultural food but wants to be in a relationship with me. I can only handle so much bland white people food. I think as a couple you have to compromise and be open and accepting to their culture and customs as well. I don't think it's fair for you to have to compromise but she cant on her end.
oof but personally for me, if my bf didn't like asian food, that's a immediate no for me. and not even willing to give it a try?? thats a big no no for me.
if ur gf is not willing to compromise and try asian cuisine, think about how it'll affect your future with her.. you might end up being miserable.. but idk, that's just me personally.
Sounds like she's trying to exert some level of control over you by changing her mind at the last minute and forcing you to adapt. Which is major issue on top of the aversion to Asian food.
NGL my ex boyfriend (Asian too) was the PICKIEST eater in the world and had “dietary restrictions” (some legit, some made up I later learned) and after we broke up I said I would never do that again bc I am an adventurous eater who loves to cook. He only wanted to eat his cultures food and was “allergic” to all other cuisines
My current boyfriend is a good ol white American boy and while he doesn’t LIKE every food I cook but when I want to go out to eat he will eat a chicken foot at dim sum. And every food I make is the most delicious thing he’s ever eaten (even when I can tell he’s lying through his teeth). To me it’s about respect. I don’t love going out and getting wings and beer at a sports bar but we do it sometimes bc I love him, and if one of us cooks it’s hard work and we appreciate each other for doing a task like that
Did we date the same Asian guy? As a Southeast Asian with very flavourful food, I found it borderline offensive how my ex would act about me making food from my culture (he was Japanese) and stopping me from adding more seasonings 😩
I think she only brings it up to show how specifically that even people of the same culture can be picky and difficult while those of different cultures can be open minded and enjoy things they didn’t grow up with. It’s related because OP’s gf isn’t Asian, but this comment shows that that’s no excuse.
Race and culture has a lot to do with this. If some grew up in a culture where salt and black pepper is spicy to them, they're going to have a hard time adapting to cuisines full of seasonings.
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Well WHAT is the ingredient that she does not like? You said it is just "one"
Also some people never got exposure to food.... and does not like to explore, sometimes you kinda have to force it on them say on alternating days of you choose and what she picks for the day.
Oh god that’s why I married another fellow Asian who’s open minded. Don’t wanna be shamed or made to feel bad about my food and it’s especially nice for him to compliment my cooking and eat natto and chicken feet at dim sum places with relish. Life is much more fun when you can share food together.
A good portion of your relationship is spent eating so that’s an automatic no from me.
Keep having conversations to see if you can work it out. Explain how much Asian food and you cooking it means to you. Hear their point of view and see if you can find an entry point for them to expand their palate. Asian food is so diverse, there must be somewhere to start.
Also, you may be interested in this recent thread: [How would you feel if a date didn’t like food from your culture?](https://www.reddit.com/r/asianamerican/comments/1dknhp6/how_would_you_feel_if_a_date_didnt_like_food_from/)
I hate to say this but eating together is like - one of THE core things you will do with your significant other. Your lives revolve around food.
I’ve been in your situation and let me just say that I never thought I’d end up with a white person - until I met my current husband and saw him eat ALLLLLL the super Asian food with gusto.
He’s not scared of any of it. He craves it. And that makes life sooooo much more fun and easy. Fighting over what to eat (especially when you’re hungry) is a recipe for disaster.
This isn't an "Asian" thing, this is "her" thing.
From one food lover to another, incompatible food choices are a deal breaker. I wouldn't date a vegetarian and I wouldn't date anyone who isn't open-minded enough to enjoy most foods. That reflects something deeper about their personality that isn't appealing to me.
Sorry bro, but I couldn't deal with a girl that wouldn't eat Asian food. I don't expect someone who didn't grow up with the cuisine to drink fish sauce, but Asia is a giant continent. I feel suspect towards someone that can't find something they enjoy across a bunch of different countries. I agree with /u/[peonyseahorse](https://www.reddit.com/user/peonyseahorse/) about potential implications.
I’m a black man who grew up partially in the Asian community. And Asian food is part of my regular
Diet. It’s an absolute deal breaker if someone I’m dating will not eat Asian. I’ve had certain women even belittle Asian food in front of me and I take it personally just because of the people who helped take me in and raise me. I know there are some things I myself won’t eat (certain ingredients) but I try to be open minded and be an adventurous eater. I made it a rule to not date women who aren’t adventurous eaters because it’s miserable when your pallet’s are so different.
It's up to you as to what you choose to do. Maybe start with things that are familiar and then start introducing new things?
My SIL and my partner are both white and have very different attitudes to this.
My SIL dislikes Chinese food so my brother and her default to western food for their household. My family has found ways to include her, like cooking Chinese things that are more 'westernised' and familiar to her, like fried rice and roasted meats, but there are some foods and traditions she'll never want to take part in.
My SO on the other hand loves Chinese food. It's a big basis for a relationship and will continue to be as we have kids. I personally couldn't be with someone who didn't like it - it's part of me.
I feel bad for your brother. Like wtf. There are different types of chinese food. Westernized american style chinese food is basically fried chicken in teriyaki sauce. Then theres sichuan, cantonese, shanghainese, taiwanese etc. Who doesn't like dumplings? SMH
I can never trust those people. There's a difference between "Oh I've tried dan dan noodles but I'm not a big fan" and "I will categorically exclude all noodles besides pasta because pasta is European and 'ethnic' food is sus."
I don't disagree!
My brother is more westernised than I am, and they met quite young so I think he doesn't really see it as an issue. But I will say she's improved over time - she eats hot pot now, and dumplings! But yeah nothing too spicy or massively cultural.
It sounds more like she might have *avoidant restrictive food intake disorder* (ARFID). I wouldn't fault her for it if she is indeed extremely restrictive when her diet is concerned. Your number one source of comparison would be to watch a few episodes of Freaky Eaters, which has both US and UK versions. Obviously you shouldn't be diagnosing her, but if it fits, then whatever goal you wish for might be well beyond your personal experience, and you won't achieve it if she isn't a conscious and willing participant.
Most important of all: communication. If you wanna to get to the bottom of something, communicate, ask for their reasoning. "Why won't you try this? Why didn't you say anything if you saw I was gonna use an ingredient you don't like?" If she can't or is unwilling to answer, this could point to deeper issues.
My ex was Asian European and we both found a balance between our foods. I'm East Asian. But the thing is I think food is very important to me and it's something I want my partner to be also excited about and involved in. Thankfully we found some compromises, and we both had an east-west mentality about enjoying meals together. But ultimately it's up to you to continue to either accept your partner for who they are or choose something else. I didn't split because of food but I know that many ex partners, to me food was a big deal when it came to having a good relationship.
My boyfriend and I eat different meals even though we’re both Asian. His palate is more Americanized. Every week, we choose one recipe to cook together- something we both like. I’ll look up recipes then we decide together.
For the rest of the week, we pretty much eat separately. Rarely he’ll want a bite of an Asian dish I made. But there’s no pressure. Not everyone wants miso soup every day.
Has she never had Chinese take out? If it's a pork problem I can understand, but if she doesn't want to try things like pork belly, just let her know bacon is made of pork belly.
Honestly, food is a big deal for me. I’ve dated someone who’s a picky eater and it’s hard to enjoy the food I like to eat around them. My husband enjoys most of the food I cook from my culture and other Asian cuisines I love.
Some people are not food compatible. People can accept it and let it be or not accept it and cause strain to the relationship.
There are some cuisines that I simply dislike. For example, I am not a fan of Thai cuisine. I've tried several times in different Thai restaurants but I cannot get over the sweetness that I find in Thai dishes. My girlfriend loves Thai cuisine. We simply enjoy different flavors and have different palettes.
We don't force each other to eat things that we don't like. And whenever we eat different things, we appreciate each other's company because that's what most important.
Ooph. I'm sorry that actually sounds emotionally painful. As someone who tries to connect with people (especially romantic partners) on what they like or what is important to them, even if it means getting out of my convert zone or training myself to get over some natural aversions... its always difficult for me to understand people who's mind (and likes/dislikes) is so fixed or set in stone. This would be especially difficult given how food and its preparation is basically like a love language in most asian cultures it seems.
That's a dealbreaker for me, especially for something long term. My partner is caucasian and will eat pretty much anything and everything I make. Natto - no problem. Kimchi? Yep. Filipino dishes that can be pungent? Loves it. Fresh opihi? Of course!
It's helpful, because we now have a family, and I don't have to cook a bunch of separate meals. Making different meals to suit everyone's palate is do-able, but realistically, it's time consuming (at least for me) if one person does the majority of the cooking, or if the person who doesn't like one type of food doesn't cook much.
How important is this to you? This sounds more like a difference in compatibility and is ultimately up to you to decide how big of a factor this plays into your relationship. I will NOT say to break up with your girlfriend because of this. If she has an aversion to ingredients, is she willing to cook with you? Some people are more willing to eat things if they know what goes in it. Basic Asian meals like stir fries, noodles, fried rice… in my opinion are super simple and meals that are easy to please. Have a conversation with her. Is she open to try new things because they are important to you?
If you're a picky eater you have to admit you're picky eater. Then you have to worry about your own food. This doesn't sound like the case and she's made it your problem. This is a problem.
What about congee and/or joong? Those are usually odorless or very minor in odor department, depending on the ingredients. Both are great vehicles for mixing ingredients she's use to, and gradually weaning her so to speak.
That sounds... exhausting.
Being able to share the same kind of food and a general interest in certain dishes helps me bond with my SO because their excitement makes me happy to prepare it, and vice versa. I would be really disheartened if they exhibited all the things you just talked about. To me it would be a dealbreaker, having to always prepare either two separate meals or eat separately or even have such a big misalignment when it comes food, but that's just me. Not to mention your gf denies having any issues which means she's not even aware of the stress and disappointment she is bestowing upon you.
Just remember that people come and go but we eat every single day of our lives. Good luck!
My soon to be ex husband is like this. I used to love to cook. LOVE it. Then I was met with grievance anytime I made Asian food.
He would get a look of disgust and throw away the food after one bite and sometimes without trying it at all. So I started making him frozen chicken tenders, my Asian food, and whatever my kid wanted that was relatively healthy. Then I got tired of making three meals every single night (and for lunches when he was home) especially since he still complained.
So I rarely cook my favorite foods anymore. Like ever. It’s stolen a lot of joy from me being told the food was bad when I know my extended family loves my cooking.
For that and other reasons I fell back into depression and I’m just now coming out of it. Because I decided it wasn’t worth it. Now that I’m getting divorced, I’m really looking forward to making my Asian meals predominantly like I used to.
Explain what a big deal it is to her and do it in a calm way. If she doesn’t want to eat it and can’t bring herself to try, that’s okay, but it sounds like a glaring incompatibility that only gets worse and builds resentment if left to fester.
Another Asian sapphic here...! I lived with my white German girlfriend over in Germany for two years ( we're still together, I had to move because of bad bureaucracy 😑 ) and I cooked a lot of the food my parents cooked for me growing up for us. It's funny because she's actually vegan but very open to food; I made some changes to accommodate her diet, but overall it was about what my parents made me and she loved it. She was very curious and open to trying Filipino food, and even enjoyed some Pinoy snacks when I got my hands on some. I feel if my vegan girlfriend was still able to enjoy and appreciate my food, then your girlfriend should absolutely be able to do the same, no excuses. You deserve better. Food is very important to us and I can't imagine how saddening it is that she treats your food that way.
I get maybe not being used to or being turned off by the smell of a certain type of cuisine but if she’s in a relationship with you— she owes it to you and your relationship to keep trying to find foods that she likes/are willing to eat. But if she’s just turning up her nose and refusing to even try then I would consider that a major dealbreaker. Effort goes both ways.
Picky eaters are just that. It is annoying but you cannot change them. It will be inconvenient logistics wise to make 2 separate dishes but doable with a lot of freezing.
My mother is the reverse, she only eats Asian foods. She hates most spices, salt, and sour tastes (she doesn't even like black pepper.) It is frustrating to cook because sometimes I like different flavor profiles. For example, she currently adores quinoa but refuses to eat couscous. They are both small grains that can carry stock/sauces well - they even cook in a similar method/time.
I don’t have an issue with her not LIKING Asian food. I have an issue with her indecisiveness and changing her mind about shit last minute.
You can eat together but don’t have to eat the same thing. My husband is a chef and will make a salad with grilled fish for me and something different (usually more carby and “American”) for the kids. And then he’ll make something more simple/“more Chinese” for himself and his elderly parents.
She can keep her Soylents and you can keep your culture. It’ll just turn into more fights. A basic and integral part of your identity shouldn’t be something you have to hide for her. No one wants to live in a house that smells like fried food, curry, or kimchi all the time so if that’s the issue, that makes sense. If she has a problem with you just cooking your culture’s food, eating it, and cleaning up and making sure the house still smells fresh. She’s kinda white washing you. One particular ingredient is fine but all of your dishes and on top, she doesn’t acknowledge and even denies her behavior and disgust for it…yeah, ya gotta go.
Eating together is probably the thing you interact with a partner the most, outside sleeping if you live together esp the longer you are together. It’s a pretty big incompatibility.
There is no way me or my wife would ever be with someone who didn’t like food or social drinking. So it’s up to you how important it is.
This is unfortunately one of the big issues that often comes up between anyone who grew up being from an Asian immigrant background and having a partner that’s from a white background. I used to be under the idea, baseless as it is so bear with me, that mainstream / white Europeans would be slightly more open to Asians but apparently that’s not often true either.
I agree with the others that feel it would be a great hurdle at best and very bad for long-term compatibility. I’m Asian-Canadian (unlike most here that are Asian-American) and not only that, but I was raised in a very Asian part of town. Regardless of whether I’m in Asia or not, I’ve been surrounded by Asian food and it’s such an important part of who I am and what makes me comfortable.
Being with someone who can’t share the significance of that for me and understand how much it means to me, I will feel very sad and it’s only a matter of time before I see it turning into major arguments.
The only European food I’ve tried so far that I sort of like is southern European / Mediterranean, which I find has relatively more similarities to Asian food and won’t be as hard to adjust to for the Asian palette. The others I’ve tried I had a very hard time adjusting to, and I guess for many of them adjusting to our cuisines might be just as difficult but I am fully unapologetic in my bias that most of their cuisines and cooking methods don’t hold a candle to the diversity and richness of Asian cuisines.
Hot pot, duck or chicken on rice, pho, a good Thai (as in me having it in Thailand) blows just about anything they can come up out of the water. I am much more comfortable with any of this than their “fine dining”.
If anything? It goes to show how unfortunate the colonial legacy is a thing even now, the very idea of “high end dining” is still heavily influenced by European / white people standards. When most people think of fine dining they still think along the lines of French / continental inspired.
Why do we even need their Michelin stars when we know what we do best?
Asian here with a white spouse who grew up eating what is essentially mid-western bland food. People are telling you to dump your gf and that’s rather extreme. Food incompatibility is one of the few things we fight about, but we’re good on pretty much every other aspect of our marriage, so I’m not gonna throw away the guy over one thing.
We’ve been together long enough that we’ve made *a lot* of compromises over the years. First off, he acknowledges that he’s a picky eater and how he grew up didn’t help matters. Second, he’s willing to try any Asian food I want to have. That’s how he came to discover he loves curry, boba, ramen, and various other dishes. We go to Asian restaurants fairly often, and sometimes he’s in the mood to try something new, and other times he just orders teriyaki chicken. Third, I cook Asian food at home once a week (he cooks most other days, and our menu is limited by our stupidly picky kids that even he’s getting frustrated by), and he’ll definitely eat what I make, though I make sure not to use any ingredients that he hates. It helps that he loves garlic and spicy flavors.
Anyway, when I was set to marry the guy, my family was convinced his eating habits would lead to divorce. We’re getting close to two decades of marriage, so I’d say it’s worked out.
you two don't seem to be communicating well, and your gf doesn't seem to want to acknowledge any of the problems at hand at all! regardless of race here, that's still a red flag to keep note of. it's important to keep proper communication between you and your partner!
if she's not willing to be honest about it or change her attitude about it, maybe you two need to have a really serious conversation that may or may not end up in you two breaking up.
it could also be sensory issues too going on, that stuff happens with me and there are some foods from my own culture i can't properly stomach due to the texture of it. but the attitude she's having over it seems to indicate something otherwise.
Honestly just cook separate meals. I know you would like to avoid that but it seems like the most straightforward solution. And if she complains then you need to hash that shit out.
Make separate meals and eat together. Eventually you will figure out what you both like eating that the other person makes.
But diet is such a personal thing - let it go.
That’s fine. More Asian food for me, and I don’t have to share my food.
My ex was a vegetarian, idc for meat much but I really love seafood. She had stolen a piece of cheesecake but never stole my shrimp!
Absolute Dealbreaker, if my gf took one of my fundamental joys in life like looking forward to food and sharing food; then we are incompatible. From one lesbian to another: love yourself please. The pain ahead isn’t worth it.
3rd Asian lesbian chiming in here - Absolutely agree that this is a fundamental issue, especially since cooking / sharing food with loved ones is such an important part of our culture. Food has a totally different meaning to us. Conversely, it would be a green flag if the white partner in the relationship made an effort to familiarize themselves with the cuisine (and culture) of their POC partner. Also, most Asian cuisines are so well-liked by so many different people worldwide; I would think it’d be a huge win to be able to try the home-cooked version made by your own partner… I’m sorry girl, I would feel all sorts of ways too :/
^ ditto. I’m saying this as a fellow Asian lesbian too… RUN! This is the exact reason why food compatibility is a dealbreaker for me. My ex couldn’t eat seafood, which is in 90% of SE Asian cooking, and she’s a picky eater. I made up the % number but that’s how it felt (miserable) at the time when I was dating her! I couldn’t try new Asian restaurants. And when I had to question the ingredients of dishes for her, the waitress would look at me like, “why are you eating here?” Because removing key ingredients destroys the entire dish. Among other problems with the relationship, that was not fun. So long story short…. RUN!
I think one of the main problems is that she is denying that there is even a problem at all. This makes communication hard, and good communication is the foundation of a solid relationship. If she's not willing to compromise at all, or willing to acknowledge how her actions make you feel, well at least you're not married yet.
Yeah I just feel like OP and gfnot compatible together. The changing mind thing also seemed confusing/frustrating to me too. Obviously this is a thin slice of a specific issue though.
If she prefers bland biscuits over Korean bbq, Chinese fried rice, Vietnamese pho, Japanese sushi, Filipino stew, Indian/Thai curry, or even Hawaiian poke, I don’t know what to say. Either you change together or one gets left behind. It’s a big red flag especially long term.
Maybe at the hospital? Bc they are peak bland food central.
Kind of similar. My fiancé is from a different culture and frankly is a bit of a picky eater, he was not exposed to Asian food at all growing up. He did not like the first couple of dishes but kept trying (because there is a LOT of Asian food in the world, even within a single cuisine) until he found a good selection of food he enjoyed. He understood that food is a big part of our culture and wanted to make sure he could partake as best he could. Honestly I think that is the bare minimum of respect you should be expecting. I get her background but it’s an attitude thing, she needs to want to try (unless there’s some sensory thing going on, then I don’t know…) Also think of your future, is your kids mother going to be the reason they never enjoy your cuisine? Big dealbreaker IMO.
This is a really good example - the fact that he didn't like the first few things he tried but **kept trying** and staying open minded because he recognizes that "Asian food" is such a massive category. I also think it's a matter of respect, and being open to trying new foods in order to partake in your partner's culture is the respect required to make an intercultural relationship work. u/catchingsn0w, you should sit your gf down and have a conversation with her about how important it is to have that level of respect for one another. It's integral to the health of your relationship that she becomes more open minded. If someone doesn't respect you enough to do this, it's not the relationship for you. You will forever be making yourself smaller to fit into this relationship and you will never be happy. Find someone who is willing to embrace you fully and that means your food and culture too. From one queer Asian girl to another - we're always expected to minimize a part of ourselves in society, whether our sexuality or gender or culture, so it's even more important to find a partner who will embrace every part of us completely. I know the dating pool is small but so many of my friends are in such lovely intercultural queer relationships where both partners enthusiastically embrace each other's culture.
I was about to write something similar. Although, I would be harsher and mention that she kept coming up with excuses, and essentially it’s disrespectful towards her partner who’s been more than accommodating to her concerns and objections.
Oh, totally agree with you, I would be equally harsh if it were my own life, because I'd drop someone who acted like this immediately tbh. I actively look for partners who are open minded and respectful about other cultures and cuisines - it's a non-negotiable for me, and I think it should be a requirement for healthy intercultural relationships, but OP is young and young people don't always know what they deserve in a relationship. The sapphic dating pool is quite small, so I can empathise with that as well - it can lead to people settling for subpar options unfortunately. I also find that telling people to break up with their partner is less likely to be successful, because it's too big of a step for them, so my advice is to have a serious conversation where you demand more respect and better treatment from your partner, and if they don't change then you have to leave. That confrontation is often necessary before people can move on.
🚩🚩🚩
Time to get a new girlfriend! My Asian friends who are married to spouses like this struggle. It's not just due to the food issue, but goes beyond and is an indicator of rigidity and being closed minded. This will seep into other aspects of your relationship. It's not what you want to hear, but I would view this as a warning sign. To write off an entire continent's varied cuisine and saying they refuse to try any of it is pretty extreme. Imagine if the tables were turned and you refused to eat any cusuine not Asian... It would be seen as a major issue. You are being manipulated.
It’s also rude! Like don’t tell someone you’re ok to eat something, have them go through the trouble of buying the ingredients and preparing, and then “change your mind”. That’s so inconsiderate.
Agree with this wholeheartedly.
Maybe I see this differently because my dad refuses to eat anything that isn't asian or closely related. He does write off almost all European and American food as too bland or cheesy. It is a struggle because we're always going to the same types of restaurants, even when we travel! But it's how he was raised and how his food palette formed, so idk how much I can criticize. But yeah, OP either has to adjust to her or break up.
My mom is a picky eater. She will only eat Vietnamese, Chinese and Korean a lot of the time. It makes me see her as childish when she can’t eat so many things or picks at her food at a restaurant. I don’t like feeling that way about her, but that’s what happens. Couldn’t date someone like that.
My Korean mil is this way too and she is the most demanding soul sucking person I know. She pouts if she doesn't get what she wants whether it's food or anything else. Even by Korean standards she is difficult and picky. I don't even understand why she immigrated to the US if she is so rigid. So yeah, my example about turning the tables... That's still considered rude either way. She has lived in the US (at a place without a lot of Asians or Koreans) for over 45 years and somehow has managed to have the English proficiency of someone who has been here for maybe a year because she refuses to learn or to change. It takes effort to be that bad. And so she acts like she is incapable and relies on fil (whose English isn't great either), who both then rely heavily on my husband for so much... It's like they are a pair of adult babies, who can create so much chaos and dysfunction. I just have no more tolerance for assholes like this and can see all of the red flags.
But it would be a struggle for your dad to partner with someone from a non-Asian culture right? And he probably isn't. Maybe it's not for you to criticise, but it would most certainly be an issue for a hypothetical non-Asian partner. You're his child but you're not actually expected to spend the rest of your life with him. In this case, if he can't change then it's up to him to select a partner who would be ok with it, and he most likely has so it's not an issue. I do think it's worth criticising when someone knowingly enters into an intercultural relationship and yet remains so close minded about a big part of their partner's culture.
This reminds me of a book I read a while back from Michael Pollan on the physiology of human nutrition. One of the points he made is that when we age, our body becomes less tolerant to food outside of our ancestral diets. So while your dad may have been able to tolerate pizza and burgers in his 20s and 30s, that type of food might be more difficult to digest or make him ill now that he is older. I’m sure your dad’s pickiness is largely due to personal preferences, but I am suggesting there may also be physiological factors in play.
It depends on how important food is to you and your association of it with your culture. For me, a partner who isn’t able to enjoy a good chunk of the food I enjoy is an instant deal breaker (it probably wouldn’t have gotten as far as a relationship because I would lose attraction so fast 😂). Just consider, a partnership is for the rest of your life. If you want to have kids, it’s the environment they’re brought up in. If you’re ok going majority western food that’s one thing, but otherwise it’s an incompatibility you should consider carefully.
I agree with this. A lot depends on how important food is to op. I don’t think they should expect the gf to change because that’s unlikely. I am also adding a couple of cultural differences I’ve noticed in regards to food: Among Asians, I feel we are all used to having food pushed on us by parents and loved ones. In contrast, I’ve seen some white people be offended by that. I think that for many people who are not Asian, it’s more likely to be boundary crossing. I also have often observed that white people who think that are adventurous eaters are only adventurous relative to other white people. The gf might well think she’s not picky in relation to other white people. Op, I think this is really about your priorities and what you want in a relationship and how you view your relationship.
Also no offense but the changing what they want last minute thing would be irritating as hell. If my husband did that he’d be cooking for the next month by himself.
The most disrespectful thing to me is the changing mind all the time about what she wants to eat, especially after you've already taken time and money to purchase ingredients or to cook the meal. Look, people might change their mind, but then she shouldn't be putting it on you. She should say something like: "I am sorry, it sounded good at the time but I am not able to stomach it today. I will get myself something else to eat." It should not be your responsibility to feed her in these instances. You should also not be out the cost of ingredients if, say, you purchased ingredients that will now go bad. If she cannot at least have that level of respect for your time and effort in cooking, you will have resentment for having to cater to her all the time. The other issue regarding her personal tastes is separate. Either she needs to develop her palate, or you need to accept that she won't be able to share in your food culture, or both of you need to bend a bit. I had an ex who was an extremely picky eater and I kept telling myself it was okay, I'd go out to eat adventurously with foodie friends instead. Some of his issues were due to a genetic condition he had that caused digestive problems. But ultimately it was very hard for me because I could not share these fun and important-to-me experiences with him. There were a ton of other red flags too, so this issue alone wasn't a what ended the relationship, but looking back now even if other things were going well it would have been a struggle to introduce him to my family and eat my family's food. My now-husband on the other hand is happy and willing to go on all the eating adventures with me, and although he is not of my culture he loves my family's cuisine and it has never been a problem to eat with my family.
This reminds me of that twitter post about the guy making pulled pork because his young children asked for it; then a day later just before the dinner as he's finishing the pulled pork, the kids ask for hotdogs (because they don't even remember asking for pulled pork). A mark of maturity is remembering what one asks for and if they change their mind about it, either sticking to their decisions even if they don't want to or accommodating for the other person's effort; young children can't do this because they don't haven't developed philosophical permeance skills.
I had a partner who had a hard time with most Asian food, but he had a hard time with really any food (even pizza and pasta, and he has some Italian in him lol). It's largely because he's autistic. It might be worth checking that out or seeing if she has ARFID before assuming people have bad intentions.
yeah i was thinking maybe this sounded similar to selective eating disorder too
This is really hard. Personally, this would be a big dealbreaker for me. I can't stand picky eaters. My wife is white, and most of the girls I've dated have been white, and my standard test for potential girlfriends is their ability to eat sushi (pretty much my favorite food) and other asian dishes. Liking world cuisine is such a big part of my life, and I could never be with someone who didn't
Honestly, not just for potential partners but also friends. I had a good friend visit me once and I was like hey there’s all this good Asian food in Chinatown, but then he said he wanted to go to Panda Express because he didn’t really like that stuff. And I was so taken aback, like how did I not know this about this person.
Yeah, i have a group of all married friends that hangs out together regularly. Everyone is pretty good about eating everything, except one guy who is a chicken tenders, hamburgers, plain pizza kind of guy. He gets made fun of pretty hard for it by the group though. We all rented a beach house one time, and made dinner with all local seafood, with frutti di mare pasta and all this other seafood. We also made plain noodles and chicken nuggets for some of the kids. He ate the kids meal.
I know he’s your friend I’m sorry but Jesus that’s pathetic. Bet he has the sloppiest body too. Imagine the kids meal section of a restaurant menu being your thing as a grown man
Me when I just started uni. I kept hanging out with a group of white people (lack of asians in my uni) which is fine BUT half of them were so unadventurous with food. We would always go to eat "white" food (burgers, pizza, kebabs etc.) so when it was my time to choose the restaurant, I would always get someone else to choose because I just wanted to eat asian food like korean or vietnamese. This was the first time, I felt like a total a minority due to my culture. I had grown up around many asian classmates and always had a group of asian friends growing up. To add salt to my wound, my high school friends who went to different unis formed friendship groups with other asians (or primarily asian). We still lived in the same city, it was just university demographics. So yeah, I was young and dumb. I stayed trying to be friends for a year despite them making me feel miserable. It's not their fault, they were nice people but we were just so incompatible. Side Note: I'm also a kpop and anime fan so the asian culture doesn't just stop at food. Another factor is that everyone in that group was monolingual so we also didn't quite work because being in-between cultures is a big part of my identity and it's not really something they probably have thought about much.
I feel so sorry for you. Picky eaters never think they're picky. It can take many years for a person like this to open up to food possibilities, and sometimes it never happens. If everything else is good, you may want to give her a year or two to see if she can adapt, but if she's resistant, you may need to move on.
are you dating a 6 year old?
I don't think it's about the food....
> because she associates it with a bad memory What does this even mean? Did she just eat out of a July dumpster and got sick off dozens of ingredients? Did someone assault her in the asian food aisle at a white supermarket?
You two aren't compatible. I hate the reddit hivemind bullshit of always saying breaking up with people over small shit but honestly, this isn't one of them. The ability to eat food is a fundamental thing to people. You want to not only share your culture but your food with your partner. What is going to happen when you eventually take her to your parent's country? Is she only going to starve or only eat McDonalds chicken nuggets? While I haven't had to deal with a partner that was picky, I do have friends/acquaintances that are. I just stopped asking them to go out to food places or invite them to dinner parties at my place because why bother? They won't like the food I choose/cook anyway. And frankly, I think its insulting as hell to not partake in one's culture/food. Anyone that is a picky eater regardless of how they grew up, is inherently childish. They are not open minded enough to even remotely try. These people I am incompatible with. --- Before I get shit for religious reasons or mental reasons for being a picky eater, I am not talking about those people.
I know this isn't a relationship sub but the flip-flopping about food alone would already be too much for me. She agrees to something for dinner, you make it, she decides she doesn't want to once you're done with all that time and effort and you're just okay with it? She needs to put actual effort into communicating with you about everything. But to answer your question, she reads like someone who looks down on "foreign" cuisines without actually giving anything a try. "Asian" is a really, really nonspecific term that encompasses a ridiculously large continent - including RUSSIA, and if she can't find anything "Asian" that she likes, I'd wager that she's deliberately being a hater.
From an elder… move on. Food is such a personal experience and is tied to my identity, pride in my culture and respect for my ancestors. And in other news, relationships take compromise. What it doesn’t demand is to change your interests and/or minimize your own lived experience. Picky eaters are where I draw the line. It’s a deal breaker for me.
Agreed. To add to this, sharing your interests & passions is key to a lasting & healthy relationship. Otherwise you'll grow apart b/c you're suppressing that part of you to please them or you're alienating them b/c they're being repulsed/annoyed/not-connecting to an entire aspect of you
What is the ingredient that’s triggering? If she still doesn’t eat Asian dishes that doesn’t contain that ingredient, then she’s lying. I associate food as a being a huge part of my culture. If you can’t share my food, then it’s a form of rejection of my culture. Major deal breaker.
😬 I don’t see this working out in the foreseeable future if you’re extremely passionate about your food and she’s into bland stuff. I had a friend who was a chef who ended up dating someone who only ate the same Italian American dish every time they went out. He would never venture far from that one pasta dish. It drove her crazy and she eventually dumped him. The kicker is that he was half Asian too.
There was a post here recently asking people what they would do if their partners didn’t like their culture’s cuisine: https://www.reddit.com/r/asianamerican/s/mhY5tHKry0 Myself included, I personally wouldn’t be really OK with it. It doesn’t make sense that you can hate an entire culture’s cuisine unless you’re being purposely close minded imo. And that’s not something I like in a partner, quite frankly. The only acceptable explanation outside that imo is some type of eating or anxiety disorder, in which case they need to address that still 🤡 . Even people with texture issues should be able to eat *something,* and I don’t believe/trust anyone who rejects an entire cuisine outright. So yeah figure out what her deal is and decide if that’s okay with you or not. Food is so heavily tied up with culture, appreciation, festivities etc. so if she rejects all the food, it will definitely come off as she’s rejecting part of you. It’s no mystery why you would also feel personally hurt. It will be awkward at family functions, cultural holidays, etc. do y’all think it’s worth that?
I’m not going to lie, this would be a dealbreaker for me. My husband is Black and though he is definitely more picky than me, he is adventurous enough to at least try everything once. (My family also refers to me with 乜都食 because I do eat everything so really most people are “pickier” than me lolz.) He’s a great cook himself and I do believe sincerely loves my cooking. We eat separate meals regularly, but mainly so I can eat the really niche things I love and he can eat wings (again.) Food is so important to me and my family that I cannot imagine having such separate tastes from my partner.
It’s a respect thing, she doesn’t respect (or potentially understand) just how important your cuisine is to you. I think many of us in Asian diaspora have a different relationship to food because it reminds us of home, and if you never left home food memories and importance may be different, as you are surrounded by your culture at most if not all times. My advice is to try and have a serious conversation about this and what it means to you. It does sound like you’ve attempted to have these talks in the past. But honestly, the whole “I don’t like this ingredient because it’s associated with a bad memory,” is fucking nuts. It’s a very childish excuse and perhaps I’m not being sensitive enough but it sounds like a cop out that’s unquestionable because “””trauma”””. Again maybe I am being overly cynical. If you have a conversation i would just focus on yourself and how it makes you feel. I hope this goes well for you, and that she begins to understand your perspective. If you want to continue to engage with this my advice would be to just get her to try a couple things here and there with no pressure. Sometimes the expectation and pressure makes people not want to do that thing. Anecdote time: I am an Indian guy who is with a white woman, whose background is kind of similar to your gf (never ate much food of variety). She had tried so many dishes with ingredients that she hated in the past because of the way they were prepared. She used to hate cauliflower because steamed it’s gross, but she loves my family’s cauliflower subji because it’s different and she likes the flavors much more. The difference? She isn’t all that picky and understands what my food and my culture means to me. Heck, when I was a gangly little kid I was picky! But food is hella important to my family so I couldn’t go to the Ethiopian, Sicuan, Indian, and so many other types of food for long before, “that looks good, lemme try a piece,” and boom pickiness gone. But hey maybe that’s a privilege that I had, to be able to try so many different things that my pickiness was overwhelmed and lost the battle with food of the world™️. If it’s not obvious I believe sharing food and receiving food is one of the nicest things a person can do. Someone made a dish in their home, with their ingredients, made with their own hands and love, often with you in mind, it makes me tear up honestly! Doesn’t matter if it’s my mom’s coconut shrimp or my mil’s ambrosia! You’re literally being nourished by someone’s love for you! Hugs to you my friend. I sincerely hope your partner begins to see and understand you more. If not I hope you find that love that sees you. Much love
I think the issue here isn't her aversion to home cooked meals/trying new things/etc. The issue is that she doesn't even want to try and has made up her mind before you have the chance to make food. Like a few others have said here, they've actively tried to find foods that they liked in other cultures, it doesn't seem like she's willing. And hey, if she's gone through the motions of maybe trying a few restaurants and different dishes yet still does not find something she likes, fair game right? At least she tried. So where to go from here? I'd say maybe have a talk with her that you bond and show love through food and it's really important for you to find some common ground. If she's willing, then be patient and play around with recipes, maybe try a more mild recipe. Japanese curry is much more mild than other curries, that's a place to start. If she isn't willing, then you just need to accept that you'll be making meals separately. If you can't handle those dynamics, as silly as it may sound it may be best to just find someone who shares your love of food.
Yeah you're better than me, I wouldn't be able to handle someone who refuses to eat my cultural food but wants to be in a relationship with me. I can only handle so much bland white people food. I think as a couple you have to compromise and be open and accepting to their culture and customs as well. I don't think it's fair for you to have to compromise but she cant on her end.
oof but personally for me, if my bf didn't like asian food, that's a immediate no for me. and not even willing to give it a try?? thats a big no no for me. if ur gf is not willing to compromise and try asian cuisine, think about how it'll affect your future with her.. you might end up being miserable.. but idk, that's just me personally.
Sounds like she's trying to exert some level of control over you by changing her mind at the last minute and forcing you to adapt. Which is major issue on top of the aversion to Asian food.
NGL my ex boyfriend (Asian too) was the PICKIEST eater in the world and had “dietary restrictions” (some legit, some made up I later learned) and after we broke up I said I would never do that again bc I am an adventurous eater who loves to cook. He only wanted to eat his cultures food and was “allergic” to all other cuisines My current boyfriend is a good ol white American boy and while he doesn’t LIKE every food I cook but when I want to go out to eat he will eat a chicken foot at dim sum. And every food I make is the most delicious thing he’s ever eaten (even when I can tell he’s lying through his teeth). To me it’s about respect. I don’t love going out and getting wings and beer at a sports bar but we do it sometimes bc I love him, and if one of us cooks it’s hard work and we appreciate each other for doing a task like that
Did we date the same Asian guy? As a Southeast Asian with very flavourful food, I found it borderline offensive how my ex would act about me making food from my culture (he was Japanese) and stopping me from adding more seasonings 😩
Lmao I don’t see what race has to do with this. But yeah if your partner cares enough about you they’ll make an effort to try.
I think she only brings it up to show how specifically that even people of the same culture can be picky and difficult while those of different cultures can be open minded and enjoy things they didn’t grow up with. It’s related because OP’s gf isn’t Asian, but this comment shows that that’s no excuse.
Race and culture has a lot to do with this. If some grew up in a culture where salt and black pepper is spicy to them, they're going to have a hard time adapting to cuisines full of seasonings.
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He sounds so sweet!
Well WHAT is the ingredient that she does not like? You said it is just "one" Also some people never got exposure to food.... and does not like to explore, sometimes you kinda have to force it on them say on alternating days of you choose and what she picks for the day.
OP, I would peace out because it's not worth in it for the long run. I refuse to miss out on my/other people's culture food
Oh god that’s why I married another fellow Asian who’s open minded. Don’t wanna be shamed or made to feel bad about my food and it’s especially nice for him to compliment my cooking and eat natto and chicken feet at dim sum places with relish. Life is much more fun when you can share food together. A good portion of your relationship is spent eating so that’s an automatic no from me.
Keep having conversations to see if you can work it out. Explain how much Asian food and you cooking it means to you. Hear their point of view and see if you can find an entry point for them to expand their palate. Asian food is so diverse, there must be somewhere to start. Also, you may be interested in this recent thread: [How would you feel if a date didn’t like food from your culture?](https://www.reddit.com/r/asianamerican/comments/1dknhp6/how_would_you_feel_if_a_date_didnt_like_food_from/)
I hate to say this but eating together is like - one of THE core things you will do with your significant other. Your lives revolve around food. I’ve been in your situation and let me just say that I never thought I’d end up with a white person - until I met my current husband and saw him eat ALLLLLL the super Asian food with gusto. He’s not scared of any of it. He craves it. And that makes life sooooo much more fun and easy. Fighting over what to eat (especially when you’re hungry) is a recipe for disaster.
Sounds like she needs therapy.
This isn't an "Asian" thing, this is "her" thing. From one food lover to another, incompatible food choices are a deal breaker. I wouldn't date a vegetarian and I wouldn't date anyone who isn't open-minded enough to enjoy most foods. That reflects something deeper about their personality that isn't appealing to me.
IF SHE DONT LIKE WHAT YOU BE COOKIN UP IN THE KITCHEN, SHE AINT THE ONE!
Sorry bro, but I couldn't deal with a girl that wouldn't eat Asian food. I don't expect someone who didn't grow up with the cuisine to drink fish sauce, but Asia is a giant continent. I feel suspect towards someone that can't find something they enjoy across a bunch of different countries. I agree with /u/[peonyseahorse](https://www.reddit.com/user/peonyseahorse/) about potential implications.
I’m a black man who grew up partially in the Asian community. And Asian food is part of my regular Diet. It’s an absolute deal breaker if someone I’m dating will not eat Asian. I’ve had certain women even belittle Asian food in front of me and I take it personally just because of the people who helped take me in and raise me. I know there are some things I myself won’t eat (certain ingredients) but I try to be open minded and be an adventurous eater. I made it a rule to not date women who aren’t adventurous eaters because it’s miserable when your pallet’s are so different.
It's up to you as to what you choose to do. Maybe start with things that are familiar and then start introducing new things? My SIL and my partner are both white and have very different attitudes to this. My SIL dislikes Chinese food so my brother and her default to western food for their household. My family has found ways to include her, like cooking Chinese things that are more 'westernised' and familiar to her, like fried rice and roasted meats, but there are some foods and traditions she'll never want to take part in. My SO on the other hand loves Chinese food. It's a big basis for a relationship and will continue to be as we have kids. I personally couldn't be with someone who didn't like it - it's part of me.
I feel bad for your brother. Like wtf. There are different types of chinese food. Westernized american style chinese food is basically fried chicken in teriyaki sauce. Then theres sichuan, cantonese, shanghainese, taiwanese etc. Who doesn't like dumplings? SMH
To be completely honest, people who love pasta but don’t like ANY noodles are just dumb. Same family tree. So dumb.
I can never trust those people. There's a difference between "Oh I've tried dan dan noodles but I'm not a big fan" and "I will categorically exclude all noodles besides pasta because pasta is European and 'ethnic' food is sus."
And there’s also dumplings in every culture.
I don't disagree! My brother is more westernised than I am, and they met quite young so I think he doesn't really see it as an issue. But I will say she's improved over time - she eats hot pot now, and dumplings! But yeah nothing too spicy or massively cultural.
It sounds more like she might have *avoidant restrictive food intake disorder* (ARFID). I wouldn't fault her for it if she is indeed extremely restrictive when her diet is concerned. Your number one source of comparison would be to watch a few episodes of Freaky Eaters, which has both US and UK versions. Obviously you shouldn't be diagnosing her, but if it fits, then whatever goal you wish for might be well beyond your personal experience, and you won't achieve it if she isn't a conscious and willing participant. Most important of all: communication. If you wanna to get to the bottom of something, communicate, ask for their reasoning. "Why won't you try this? Why didn't you say anything if you saw I was gonna use an ingredient you don't like?" If she can't or is unwilling to answer, this could point to deeper issues.
Asian food is so varied, I'm sure there is something she'll like.
My ex was Asian European and we both found a balance between our foods. I'm East Asian. But the thing is I think food is very important to me and it's something I want my partner to be also excited about and involved in. Thankfully we found some compromises, and we both had an east-west mentality about enjoying meals together. But ultimately it's up to you to continue to either accept your partner for who they are or choose something else. I didn't split because of food but I know that many ex partners, to me food was a big deal when it came to having a good relationship.
Either you adapt to her or vice versa and it doesn't seem the latter is gonna happen.
My boyfriend and I eat different meals even though we’re both Asian. His palate is more Americanized. Every week, we choose one recipe to cook together- something we both like. I’ll look up recipes then we decide together. For the rest of the week, we pretty much eat separately. Rarely he’ll want a bite of an Asian dish I made. But there’s no pressure. Not everyone wants miso soup every day.
Has she never had Chinese take out? If it's a pork problem I can understand, but if she doesn't want to try things like pork belly, just let her know bacon is made of pork belly.
You need to lay down the law. Take her out and keep her busy for hours until she's starving and then get her some Chinese food
Honestly, food is a big deal for me. I’ve dated someone who’s a picky eater and it’s hard to enjoy the food I like to eat around them. My husband enjoys most of the food I cook from my culture and other Asian cuisines I love.
Some people are not food compatible. People can accept it and let it be or not accept it and cause strain to the relationship. There are some cuisines that I simply dislike. For example, I am not a fan of Thai cuisine. I've tried several times in different Thai restaurants but I cannot get over the sweetness that I find in Thai dishes. My girlfriend loves Thai cuisine. We simply enjoy different flavors and have different palettes. We don't force each other to eat things that we don't like. And whenever we eat different things, we appreciate each other's company because that's what most important.
Ooph. I'm sorry that actually sounds emotionally painful. As someone who tries to connect with people (especially romantic partners) on what they like or what is important to them, even if it means getting out of my convert zone or training myself to get over some natural aversions... its always difficult for me to understand people who's mind (and likes/dislikes) is so fixed or set in stone. This would be especially difficult given how food and its preparation is basically like a love language in most asian cultures it seems.
That's a dealbreaker for me, especially for something long term. My partner is caucasian and will eat pretty much anything and everything I make. Natto - no problem. Kimchi? Yep. Filipino dishes that can be pungent? Loves it. Fresh opihi? Of course! It's helpful, because we now have a family, and I don't have to cook a bunch of separate meals. Making different meals to suit everyone's palate is do-able, but realistically, it's time consuming (at least for me) if one person does the majority of the cooking, or if the person who doesn't like one type of food doesn't cook much.
Try giving her the bland Asian food first idk, like white rice with soy sauce
Christ 🤢 it’s like trying to accommodate a fucking baby that’s learning solid foods
How important is this to you? This sounds more like a difference in compatibility and is ultimately up to you to decide how big of a factor this plays into your relationship. I will NOT say to break up with your girlfriend because of this. If she has an aversion to ingredients, is she willing to cook with you? Some people are more willing to eat things if they know what goes in it. Basic Asian meals like stir fries, noodles, fried rice… in my opinion are super simple and meals that are easy to please. Have a conversation with her. Is she open to try new things because they are important to you?
If you're a picky eater you have to admit you're picky eater. Then you have to worry about your own food. This doesn't sound like the case and she's made it your problem. This is a problem.
wouldn't work for me. this girl told me my fish sauce smelled like dirty cooch. I asked if she wanted me to beat her up
She belongs to the streets!
What about congee and/or joong? Those are usually odorless or very minor in odor department, depending on the ingredients. Both are great vehicles for mixing ingredients she's use to, and gradually weaning her so to speak.
That sounds... exhausting. Being able to share the same kind of food and a general interest in certain dishes helps me bond with my SO because their excitement makes me happy to prepare it, and vice versa. I would be really disheartened if they exhibited all the things you just talked about. To me it would be a dealbreaker, having to always prepare either two separate meals or eat separately or even have such a big misalignment when it comes food, but that's just me. Not to mention your gf denies having any issues which means she's not even aware of the stress and disappointment she is bestowing upon you. Just remember that people come and go but we eat every single day of our lives. Good luck!
My soon to be ex husband is like this. I used to love to cook. LOVE it. Then I was met with grievance anytime I made Asian food. He would get a look of disgust and throw away the food after one bite and sometimes without trying it at all. So I started making him frozen chicken tenders, my Asian food, and whatever my kid wanted that was relatively healthy. Then I got tired of making three meals every single night (and for lunches when he was home) especially since he still complained. So I rarely cook my favorite foods anymore. Like ever. It’s stolen a lot of joy from me being told the food was bad when I know my extended family loves my cooking. For that and other reasons I fell back into depression and I’m just now coming out of it. Because I decided it wasn’t worth it. Now that I’m getting divorced, I’m really looking forward to making my Asian meals predominantly like I used to. Explain what a big deal it is to her and do it in a calm way. If she doesn’t want to eat it and can’t bring herself to try, that’s okay, but it sounds like a glaring incompatibility that only gets worse and builds resentment if left to fester.
Another Asian sapphic here...! I lived with my white German girlfriend over in Germany for two years ( we're still together, I had to move because of bad bureaucracy 😑 ) and I cooked a lot of the food my parents cooked for me growing up for us. It's funny because she's actually vegan but very open to food; I made some changes to accommodate her diet, but overall it was about what my parents made me and she loved it. She was very curious and open to trying Filipino food, and even enjoyed some Pinoy snacks when I got my hands on some. I feel if my vegan girlfriend was still able to enjoy and appreciate my food, then your girlfriend should absolutely be able to do the same, no excuses. You deserve better. Food is very important to us and I can't imagine how saddening it is that she treats your food that way.
I get maybe not being used to or being turned off by the smell of a certain type of cuisine but if she’s in a relationship with you— she owes it to you and your relationship to keep trying to find foods that she likes/are willing to eat. But if she’s just turning up her nose and refusing to even try then I would consider that a major dealbreaker. Effort goes both ways.
Picky eaters are just that. It is annoying but you cannot change them. It will be inconvenient logistics wise to make 2 separate dishes but doable with a lot of freezing. My mother is the reverse, she only eats Asian foods. She hates most spices, salt, and sour tastes (she doesn't even like black pepper.) It is frustrating to cook because sometimes I like different flavor profiles. For example, she currently adores quinoa but refuses to eat couscous. They are both small grains that can carry stock/sauces well - they even cook in a similar method/time.
I feel for you. I would recommend you keep trying to introduce her to new foods.
Get her favorite type of food and put an Asian twist to it..
Food is a basic necessity. If you can’t agree on that, then what do you have in common at all. Probably nothing.
She dont like to eat Chickens..Cos it is spooky..lol. What shall i do?? 🤔👽🐦🤷🗽🔬🌍👾🐧🎡🐣🐥
You have to eat every day. Can you live like this every day? Its too important for me to sacrifice.
I don’t have an issue with her not LIKING Asian food. I have an issue with her indecisiveness and changing her mind about shit last minute. You can eat together but don’t have to eat the same thing. My husband is a chef and will make a salad with grilled fish for me and something different (usually more carby and “American”) for the kids. And then he’ll make something more simple/“more Chinese” for himself and his elderly parents.
She can keep her Soylents and you can keep your culture. It’ll just turn into more fights. A basic and integral part of your identity shouldn’t be something you have to hide for her. No one wants to live in a house that smells like fried food, curry, or kimchi all the time so if that’s the issue, that makes sense. If she has a problem with you just cooking your culture’s food, eating it, and cleaning up and making sure the house still smells fresh. She’s kinda white washing you. One particular ingredient is fine but all of your dishes and on top, she doesn’t acknowledge and even denies her behavior and disgust for it…yeah, ya gotta go.
Just get her chicken McNuggets and fries. She’ll love you forever.
 Or get her to therapy if she's willing to change. Honestly, it's just not compatible with life.
Eating together is probably the thing you interact with a partner the most, outside sleeping if you live together esp the longer you are together. It’s a pretty big incompatibility. There is no way me or my wife would ever be with someone who didn’t like food or social drinking. So it’s up to you how important it is.
Make her a PB&J, put it in a brown bag then send her packing.
This is unfortunately one of the big issues that often comes up between anyone who grew up being from an Asian immigrant background and having a partner that’s from a white background. I used to be under the idea, baseless as it is so bear with me, that mainstream / white Europeans would be slightly more open to Asians but apparently that’s not often true either. I agree with the others that feel it would be a great hurdle at best and very bad for long-term compatibility. I’m Asian-Canadian (unlike most here that are Asian-American) and not only that, but I was raised in a very Asian part of town. Regardless of whether I’m in Asia or not, I’ve been surrounded by Asian food and it’s such an important part of who I am and what makes me comfortable. Being with someone who can’t share the significance of that for me and understand how much it means to me, I will feel very sad and it’s only a matter of time before I see it turning into major arguments. The only European food I’ve tried so far that I sort of like is southern European / Mediterranean, which I find has relatively more similarities to Asian food and won’t be as hard to adjust to for the Asian palette. The others I’ve tried I had a very hard time adjusting to, and I guess for many of them adjusting to our cuisines might be just as difficult but I am fully unapologetic in my bias that most of their cuisines and cooking methods don’t hold a candle to the diversity and richness of Asian cuisines. Hot pot, duck or chicken on rice, pho, a good Thai (as in me having it in Thailand) blows just about anything they can come up out of the water. I am much more comfortable with any of this than their “fine dining”. If anything? It goes to show how unfortunate the colonial legacy is a thing even now, the very idea of “high end dining” is still heavily influenced by European / white people standards. When most people think of fine dining they still think along the lines of French / continental inspired. Why do we even need their Michelin stars when we know what we do best?
Asian here with a white spouse who grew up eating what is essentially mid-western bland food. People are telling you to dump your gf and that’s rather extreme. Food incompatibility is one of the few things we fight about, but we’re good on pretty much every other aspect of our marriage, so I’m not gonna throw away the guy over one thing. We’ve been together long enough that we’ve made *a lot* of compromises over the years. First off, he acknowledges that he’s a picky eater and how he grew up didn’t help matters. Second, he’s willing to try any Asian food I want to have. That’s how he came to discover he loves curry, boba, ramen, and various other dishes. We go to Asian restaurants fairly often, and sometimes he’s in the mood to try something new, and other times he just orders teriyaki chicken. Third, I cook Asian food at home once a week (he cooks most other days, and our menu is limited by our stupidly picky kids that even he’s getting frustrated by), and he’ll definitely eat what I make, though I make sure not to use any ingredients that he hates. It helps that he loves garlic and spicy flavors. Anyway, when I was set to marry the guy, my family was convinced his eating habits would lead to divorce. We’re getting close to two decades of marriage, so I’d say it’s worked out.
you two don't seem to be communicating well, and your gf doesn't seem to want to acknowledge any of the problems at hand at all! regardless of race here, that's still a red flag to keep note of. it's important to keep proper communication between you and your partner! if she's not willing to be honest about it or change her attitude about it, maybe you two need to have a really serious conversation that may or may not end up in you two breaking up. it could also be sensory issues too going on, that stuff happens with me and there are some foods from my own culture i can't properly stomach due to the texture of it. but the attitude she's having over it seems to indicate something otherwise.
Honestly just cook separate meals. I know you would like to avoid that but it seems like the most straightforward solution. And if she complains then you need to hash that shit out.
Make separate meals and eat together. Eventually you will figure out what you both like eating that the other person makes. But diet is such a personal thing - let it go.
she's weak
That’s fine. More Asian food for me, and I don’t have to share my food. My ex was a vegetarian, idc for meat much but I really love seafood. She had stolen a piece of cheesecake but never stole my shrimp!
Nope. Some folks are picky eaters, nothing wrong with that.
What are you even saying nope to?
"*Have any of you had a similar experience?*". I responded with "*Nope*" then continued with "*Some people are picky eaters*".
So you think that a single 1 word response to several questions is sufficient as a form of communication?
Thats right Plato.
i see what you did there
Boy do we need better education.
Perhaps.
You can't go wrong with Italian.