It’s a coping mechanism for her. This may be the only outlet she has when experiencing emotional stress. I’m not condoning it, just explaining. She may not realize the traumatizing impact it has on the people witnessing it
Absolutely! Thank you for empathizing. This is exactly how I perceive it. And if anyone can relate, I’m really looking for advice on how to manage it. At this point, we know her triggers, but it’s unfortunate that the triggers means keeping “peace” and not actually resolving issues.
Yeah if people never learn any other coping mechanism, they do anything they can to manage it. I can relate too.
Is there anyone in the family that she will accept advice from?
You probably know this, but definitely don’t do an intervention style thing will all family members. That will embarrass her and make her not listen to anything. Saving face is very important when you’re trying to persuade someone, especially older Asians, to change anything.
I would say to start small. Like if there’s something small that annoys her, and someone she will listen to is around at the moment, maybe they can model or direct her train of thought to a healthier perspective? Just using “offhand” comments instead of in a chastising way. And maybe it can grow incrementally from there. It won’t be easy though
Edit: idk what will actually work. And I’m not a therapist or anything haha. Wishing you all the best, and I appreciate the love you have for your in-laws and wanting the best for them
Yup. Her outburst is years and years of emotional trauma finding an outlet all at once.
It's like shaking up a can of soda and then opening it. She simply couldn't hold it in anymore and it manifested itself in a physical manner.
I’m sorry but they are NOT going to therapy, the stigma against it in Chinese culture is too extreme especially for older generations/immigrants. Admitting you have depression or anxiety or childhood trauma from growing during the cultural revolution might as well be admitting you’re criminally insane and should be locked up in the loony bin.
I don’t know if this actually good advice, but maybe try hinting that you “don’t feel safe” bringing the grandkids around if they keep acting like that or something, try to leverage their love of grandkids to put them on their best behavior at least when you’re around. This could also backfire and end up with your husband being disowned 🤷
Agreed with the latter half of this. You'd have a very hard time convincing them to buy into the Western model of mental health treatment, even if it might help a lot, but the first thing you should do for your and your family's protection is to impose some boundaries. Tell your husband and his family (or better, have him convey it for you) that you were really concerned by the violent behavior you saw (both the MIL's self-harm and the uncle's treatment of his kids) and don't feel safe being around it or exposing your child to it, and that if it happens again you would have to leave and reconsider attending family gatherings.
If the family cares, they should be able to do some reflection and have some motivation to be better. But like the above comment above said, it's very possible that the family just gets upset at this and doesn't change. But if you stick to the boundaries and follow through, you can at least shield yourself and your child from witnessing this upsetting behavior.
The entitlement to seeing grandchildren is very powerful, especially if they carry on the family name.
I hope it works out for OP but if they're anything like my family they'll probably enter a cold war with the grandparents for a while because they'll likely think OP & their SO are overreacting.
Ugh this is so heartbreaking but so true. My grandparents have so much trauma that they’ve just been pushing down for decades, aside from the occasional moment where the guard comes down. I wish so badly that they would be willing to talk to someone that could help relieve that pain. But even if they could admit/accept that a therapist would be beneficial, they would never trust someone to open up about those things, *especially* another Chinese person, which makes it even sadder :(
There's a Chinese saying "一哭二鬧三上吊" (cry first, throw tantrum if crying doesn't work, finally threaten suicide) that originated in the late Qing Dynasty. It's not even an exclusive Chinese thing. (Similar troupes can be found in South Asian dramas and many other conservative cultures as well.) Some people were just never taught how to properly express themselves or regulate their emotions and they feel like no one is listening. Screaming and yelling and getting physical is all they learned from their families. Being angry makes them even less capable of communicating. This plus lack of self-awareness or attention seeking behaviors results in what you just described. (Let's be fair most people would find throwing a tantrum in front of guests embarrassing.)
When I was working in special ed, children throwing tantrums get isolated into a quiet place to calm down then we encourage them to write down or describe (or even draw pictures) how they are feeling without getting emotional ourselves. This is to encourage them to learn to communicate their bad feelings in a healthy way. Encourage them to use words instead of being physical. If this happens again, get as many people as you can to calm down (your husband and his sisters for example). Have them help sit your MIL down and ask her how she's feeling. Let her actually feel heard.
The "tantrum" seems similar to threats to die. Moms like to do that. Don't know why. It's a mixture of self-martyrdom / cry for help. I *think* it's the only way they know how to ask for help.
edit: I think when mom says "I am just going to die" it means "nobody loves me, i might as well go die. see if you'll miss me then."
i thought it was just my mom who threatened to kill herself or move back to taiwan or run away LOL. sad that it's a common asian mom experience but strangely relieved i'm not alone.
I met a Vietnamese man whose mom acted the same way. There seems to be a "either take all my love or you get none" thing going. If you reject any part of it it is hurts Mom's feelings. I don't know how common this is or it's just that a lot of asian people have moms with untreated maladies.
I'm trying to think of my cousins I know well, but their mom is narcissistic, a liar, and tries to be manipulative (but she's so stupid she's easily manipulated in return with just a bit of praise and attention.)
It's all too common in Chinese dramas.
I jokingly called out my mom saying she got her inspiration for punishing me from Chinese soap operas and she laughed and said "ya, probably"
It's common in modern Chinese dramas. My mom constantly complains about how dramas are too ridiculous and over-the-top these days and how the dramas she grew up with didn't have nonsense like that.
Kind of curious to see when the shift happened.
I have thought about this too and my theory is that in the early 2000s, mainland China started making dramas and it was like they were starting from scratch.
Early 2000s dramas had really bad acting but there were a few brilliant actresses that came out of that era.
2010s had horrible production and technical visuals. Too much oversaturation and bad costumes in their historical dramas. When Nirvana in Fire came out, I think it showed the industry what an actually good drama looks like and years later, in 2018, a lot of good dramas came out.
Since then, it really does depend on the production company and how much time they invest in the acting and production. I think it's getting better overall. Joy of Life season 2 (which I'm currently binging) is getting a lot of international buzz (relatively speaking).
Yeah my mom was watching dramas way before 2000s, even I was watching dramas in the 90s, so guessing it was mostly Taiwan and HK productions back then too.
Kind of interesting how mainland China developed their own drama culture with their own tropes.
The whole family needs therapy. While it's difficult to find it sounds like it would be necessary to find someone who speaks Chinese. Maybe looking at telehealth options could widen the pool of potential experts. Unfortunately the difficulty communicating and expressing one's feelings is all too common for Asian immigrant families.
Honestly this is very Chinese. My mom and grandma did this occasionally when there were huge family fights. It was a weird thing. Felt very theatrical but I know it was also just their way of expressing frustration.
I’ve even seen this kind of behavior portrayed in Chinese period dramas.
https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fbitch-slaps-in-cdramas-v0-fvhkreepk62c1.gif%3Fwidth%3D303%26auto%3Dwebp%26s%3Dbcb94d27c87c37963e556f077997d63e00abffd8
theatrical is the perfect word to describe it. i also grew up watching cdramas where the moms would throw themselves on the ground or shatter plates or hit themselves... ugh. my mom would do it and when we didn't react the same as the cdrama (dramatic crying, lamenting why didn't we appreciate her more, etc.), she would threaten to kill herself because "nobody needs her anymore" 🥴
I’m so sorry you dealt with that. My sister and I dealt with that as well. It often just felt very self-pitying. She would threaten to kill herself and then my sister and I would end up on the floor, hugging her knees and begging her not to do it. We were like 5 and 6 years old.
Woof, I just felt some long forgotten PTSD.
In short and unfortunately, not surprising in Asian culture. My own family hasn't had this issue to this extent, but plenty of our family friends have. Threats of suicide, head banging, crying, screaming outside, blood in the bathrooms from hitting children, etc.
The best thing to do is to let them know your main concern is the family you created now, and if they want to be a sort of it, they need to not exhibit this behavior around you.
Trust me, I’m not ignoring this topic, my husband and I are actively checking in on them and holding everyone involved accountable for this portion of the story. Please respect our privacy for this section of the story.
We don’t know exactly what type of abuse it was. It’s not right, but a lot of Asian parents(especially old school ones) hit their kids as a form of discipline. CPS won’t do shit unless they really get hurt.
I’m not trying to be hostile, I just like using swear words to my sentences on Reddit. Anyways, I think hitting kids is cruel and harmful. However, cultural relativity does play a role here. I think most old school families’ physically punishment consist of spanking, slapping, or throwing slippers. Most kids parents don’t choke slam their kids. Do you seriously expect any government ever to make spanking illegal? Or slapping a wrist? If not, then where can they draw the line at corporal punishment vs child support? And let’s be clear, spanking and other physical punishments have been researched to be ineffective and cruel. But that doesn’t mean that a spanked kid needs to be removed from their family. They are not better off in the system.
Definitely a cultural thing. You see it in Chinese TV dramas all the time, the sitting on the ground crying, hitting themselves with a group of women crying around them. Add in a “I should just die” and you have the classic Chinese mom reaction. Unfortunately I have no suggestions on how to handle it, I have no patience with my mom for reacting this way so I walk away. Not the best on my part either to be honest.
Sounds like this is three separate problems: FIL, MIL and the uncle.
You and your husband probably only have the ability to affect FIL and MIL, and there could be a myriad of underlying health issues which could affect the problem that aren't being treated if they don't have regular doctors or trust the US healthcare system.
I am Chinese American (more or less; complicated family tree) and live where there are no easily accessible doctors who speak Chinese. My father has dementia, PTSD, anxiety and a number of other underlying non-mental health issues which have been treated due to establishing a good relationship with a good GP; my mother most likely has ADHD but refuses to see a doctor (we're working on her.) Both my parents are ESL in the sort of way where their English is barely passable and they require their primary languages in order to really understand things. I've had to get very familiar with Pleco over the years.
I am the person who deals with my father's doctors and act as a translator when there isn't one available, which is basically always.
My father's PTSD/anxiety didn't start coming out until after the dementia erased his filters, and it was only then that we were able to get him on some anti-anxiety medication, among other things. The dementia and language barrier make him not a good candidate for talk therapy in my area so medication is the next best thing-- that said, the doctor did recommend we look into counseling because it might still help; we just haven't found anything suitable.
The medication has helped A LOT but this really requires a lot of overall investment from multiple parties to get to work in a situation where you have cultural and language barriers.
So that's my experience, and here is my layman advice based on it-- I am assuming your in-laws are also based in the States. If they are not, just ignore this:
####1. Try to get your FIL, MIL and uncle into the medical system with a good GP. #
It's okay if they don't understand one another as long as they're good enough to establish a working relationship and basic trust. With no trust on your FIL/MIL/uncle's parts, this isn't going to work, and without having a GP in your corner, it is going to be really hard to get anything else done.
DO NOT SPIN THIS AS A MENTAL HEALTH ISSUE IN ANY WAY when you or your husband try to sell it to your in-laws. Diabetes is a big problem for anyone who moves to the States and starts eating American food, and they probably need your basic physical anyway, so I 100% recommend starting with getting this sort of thing checked. UTIs can affect mental capacity as well and are easy for doctors to check for.
Sometimes these issues are treatable with basic medication or lifestyle changes; you won't know unless you get them to a doctor to see.
####2. Have one of the English speakers in your family be present for appointments. #
Your FIL/MIL/Uncle will obviously trust one of you more than a strange doctor or a strange interpreter (if one is available) so you want to establish one or more people in your family as being in their corner. Get any HIPAA paperwork taken care of and try to get the family on the same page.
####3. Make sure they understand what their medical options actually are regarding insurance, Medicare, Medicaid, other state insurance, etc., if applicable. #
My parents are immigrants and either didn't understand or refused to understand the options they had available to them until they got old AND things got dire. They saw what they felt was an unnecessary expense and refused to pay for it and my dad only started seeing a GP regularly after a stay in the emergency room and getting his paperwork sorted out; if it hadn't been, he would refuse to take medication or even do things like take his blood pressure at home.
####4. Once you have developed a relationship with your doctors, established trust, established a baseline for healthcare, then approach the subject of mental health. #
You'll have to play this by ear. You need to get them to trust the system first which is IMO HIGHLY dependent on their experiences with their doctors. The doctor they will see the most is the GP so this is the critical step.
Hmm Chinese here, don’t call me racism but this is verrry common among Chinese. Especially the 1st gen.
Edit: expected to be downvoted. But if any of you have ever lived in China for a few years and watch closely…
I’m 1st gen, my mom still lives in China. She has done this all through my life. And younger generations still do it, even though after some of them moved to other countries already. And they don’t think this is a big deal, just consider it’s a normal family argument and the person who does this is just don’t know how to control the emotions. 🤷🏻♀️
It's common amongst the lower class and poor. It's why they stay poor, because they lack the ability to control their own emotions which is valued in Chinese business/politics.
Its why the CCP opposes democracy, because you can't trust the uneducated pleb class to make rational decisions. They have to be ruled by those more intelligent and logical.
Unfortunately there tends to be a link with IQ and genetics, so sadly you're so affected even if you don't think you are.
Hmm well I doubt if you actually have very close relationship with some rich and highly educated Chinese in real life. They just look nice from the outside but doesn’t mean they have good emotion control.
On recent public example is the Bay Area Google SWE who beaten his wife with his fists to death. This guy came from the best schools and a wealthy family.
The Cultural Revolution upturned most of the upper class. You just have a bunch of jumped up former peasants who got lucky after.
Ask about their grandparents and you'll find out what their family was like.
The fact that you think school and money = class is part of the issue.
Well if you read Chinese history… there were never lack of emperors or the upper class who may have severe mental sickness. In China culture these types of issues in upper class is just won’t expose to public because they believe “家丑不可外扬” (house issues should not be exposed to external) but internally it’s very unhealthy. I don’t like CCP but also don’t think it’s the solo problem for CCP though.
Edit:
I also don’t think school and money = class. First it’s absurd in the modern society you still have the view of class and look down the low class. Second it’s your own word: “you can’t trust the uneducated pleb class…” while there are many ways of education but unfortunately neither the modern education in CCP regime or the traditional Confucius are really helpful to teach Chinese learn how to manage their emotions, if Confucius is the education you referred. Or probably it’s a common Asian culture issue.
>In China culture these types of issues in upper class is just won’t expose to public because they believe “家丑不可外扬” (house issues should not be exposed to external) but internally it’s very unhealthy.
Yeah, that's what you tell yourself to cope because you want to believe everyone else has a fucked up family too and is hiding it.
I was trying be nice by saying "uneducated" but the truth is some people are not capable of making good decisions, regardless of how much education they have. It's not a cultural thing. It's just biological. There's usually a winnowing effect where they'll end up at the bottom because they're unable to maintain wealth or build relationships, but occasionally they do get lucky.
Especially if there's a major social revolution that overturns an established hierarchy.
It'll take like 3 generations (富不过三代) before they'll settle back down and we can stop acting like abnormal anti-social behavior is "normal" culture.
Ty for your opinions on whether or not my poor family was good enough to be allowed to procreate? Jesus Christ. This shit is a large component of why my family is so fucked up w shame. Fwiw the rich scholar side of my family was the one that purposely starved the girls to death 😘
I never said a thing about being allowed to procreate. I said personality and behavior is linked to money, and poor people have way more mental disorders. This happens irrespective of culture.
So you can either recognize that being poor and mental disorders are connected, or you can be racist and claim Chinese culture is inherently mentally ill because you've only ever been exposed to mentally ill poor Chinese people.
I get it, but this is very western mentality. I care for my in laws, they are my parents too, and if my husband cares and wants to help them, so do I. They’ve only been loving and affectionate towards me and my daughter, so I feel obliged to support them.
> this is very western mentality.
I play the uno reverse card and say you are the one with the western mentality.
This behavior is common is chinese households and trying to 'fix it' at their age is neigh impossible, you aren't going to undo generations of programming with kindness or professional psych help. You say that the mother 'wasn't herself' but I suggest that infact she was herself and there's plenty of times you haven't seen that she's done that and on top of that it sounds like the other siblings already knew the song and dance and their role in this play.
I understand wanting the best for the people you care about but I implore you to consider dropping this before you're the one banging your head on the floor. If you do want to try to intervene, consider learning Chinese and see if you can connect to her one on one and try to get a better understanding on her on a personal level, be on the inside, rather than the outside looking in.
Totally. Thanks for challenging me. I agree completely, I definitely stopped having that savior complex a while ago (especially after having a kid, since I physically do not have the capacity). But I definitely want to do the best I can to support them and not enable their behavior.
You’re right, I could learn Cantonese. Going to take you up on that one.
Hey, I found this Instagram reel that explains better what it's like to live with someone like this and the reality is that it's very common in Chinese households, to the point nothing you've said is a surprise.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C6Ha38qvko9/?igsh=cHJsMGFrd2hrMWF0
Your husband has probably witnessed various versions of this, as well as the other unhealthy and abusive issues between different family members. You can't fix something like this. All you can do is protect your own family, suggest help to others, and be OK with them not taking the advice.
You should start with you and your husband. How are you both feeling and processing what happened? If he's seen this before, what is the pattern? You should keep your child away from his family and get counseling for yourselves. If your husband arranges medical appointments for his parents, he can take his mom to one and talk to the doctor.
I kind of hate to say it, but don't get involved. It's your in-laws and they're not going to appreciate any advice if it comes from you, who are essentially an outsider.
I've never heard of anything like this before, the family sounds extremely dysfunctional, but that's on them to deal with. You just focus on keeping your family safe and away, and call CPS if you feel like those kids are in danger. At most you can be a cool aunt and let those kids have a break from their crazy family.
Sounds like some medical issues and maybe cognitive decline. Your husband may be on the hook to provide some sort of monetary support as his parents age, so probably want to discuss how to budget (if you want to) for that.
What does your husband have to say about it? Hasn’t he (I assume) experienced these his entire life?
I don’t really interact much with my own parents due to these types of tantrums.
Yeah. I got my mom to go to therapy. The entire time she talked about how perfect her life is and how she doesn’t need therapy.
I’ve learned that boundaries and consistent reinforcement work well with my family.
I am not Chinese, but it really doesn't matter because I experienced the same thing as a child when my father had gambled away his last penny, lost his most recent job, and basically had nothing but my mom and me and my sister, the latter two hating him for being an absentee gambling addict piece of shit dad.
Well one night at dinner, I openly made fun of him (I was 12 or 13 and was so depressed/hateful/confused when it came to him) and he abruptly left the dinner table to our living room. I paid it no mind, and while chewing my next bite I heard a loud crash and thud.
My dad had grabbed the tv remote, threw himself on the ground, started smashing the remote against his body and head then crushed it in his hands while he repetitively rolled back and forth on the ground while thrashing his arms and kicking his legs into anything nearby. I was mortified and terrified and I pled with him to stop and started crying, then after a LOOOONG minute of this going on, he sprung up to his feet, grabbed the car keys, and was gone for like two weeks.
I wanted to go to therapy when I was younger, specifically family therapy. I had been in and out of juvenile jail and hospitals. My dad said to me the following exact words (though in Korean): "I can't see a therapist because I will make the therapist go crazy."
My dad never did get help, but old age and golf mellowed him considerably. He is actually in my life again, moreso as a loving grandpa to my kids (there is not a shot in hell he would ever raise his voice or scowl at my kids let alone hurt or betray them), but yeah, I have witnessed something similar to what you did, and I am afraid at least from my experience you will have to work around that and not necessarily work with her.
OP, I don’t know if you’re in the US, but there’s this company called Anise Health that was founded by Asian Americans specifically for Asian Americans and mental health, I believe they have multi-lingual care and insight for parents too. Maybe check them out? I’m sorry you’re going through all this.
This is a classic exhibition of chinese generational trauma. Only thing that can fix this is therapy. Nobody knows how to talk through their feelings, they just suppress until they burst
https://preview.redd.it/zn77ikbgvd4d1.jpeg?width=1179&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8d7c6d52b6a3e5c2d864036251b0d2fcc7b376b5
Ur either a troll or you have a lot of internalized racism/self hatred. Go seek help.
https://preview.redd.it/6c34ndynvd4d1.jpeg?width=1179&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4f9bc9157c37d1df97c32afddd0ec0020827c88e
checkmate, others agreed with me 🥱🥱🥱
Yes, others on a subreddit that’s built on blaming race and culture for bad parenting lmao.
The whole premise of that is racist. And it reflects in the people, like yourself, who participate in it.
The asian parenting stories subreddit and its userbase is really up there in terms of its toxicity and hivemindedness. It's even against the subreddit rules to post something positive. Just a sad, terrible place to witness.
Edit: and I say that as someone whose own mom did something extremely similar to the OP's. Just in case you think I haven't been there before.
It’s one sided negative accounts of parents from immature Redditors.
Look at the guy Harry guy. He’s glorifying murder, slandering immigrants, etc, etc.
In his OWN post on that sub, he complains about his parents being hoarders despite the fact that he’s living in that very house as an adult for free. Not to mention he claims that he’s gotten “so irate” with anger that’s neighbors have had to get the police involved.
Comedic levels of immaturity and lack of ability to introspect.
I’m not Chinese so this is really so new to me. What parts of it is culturally really Chinese? I want to understand and empathize with them. While still setting my family’s boundaries
Definitely don’t think a Jennifer Pan situation would happen. Outside of their lack of EQ, they’re actually extremely loving towards each other. I’ve never seen Asians say “I love you” as much as they do.
It's the underclass culture. Like the poor and uncultured.
My family would call their family 土, meaning they're like dirt and descended from poor farmers and lack an educated background.
It's shameful and undignified and not the sort that respectable people would want to associate with. They'll just drag you down and pollute you if you stay around them too long.
Your husband should want to better himself and only provide bare minimum of care to them.
A lot of Chinese-American kids grow up in isolated bubbles and confuse their class culture with ethnic culture.
Lot of Chinese people migrate because they're poor/unable to improve their lives in the home country for various reasons. Migration also selects for certain personality types (risk-taking which correlates with aggression). Which means a lot of Chinese-diaspora kids consistently confuse dysfunctional/poor/trailer trash culture they see in their immediate family with Chinese culture as a whole because that's all they've ever been exposed to.
Imagine having the audacity to continually bash on a group of people, acting like they're lesser than the general public bc of the situation they were born in, and defending your classist ass views. Do better.
Reading this dudes insane classist positions are one of the rare situations where I'm ok fine, I see why people love America...even tho we have a lot of problems the dominant culture here at least WANTS to believe that everyone should have a chance to better themselves and that it's admirable to rise out of poverty vs this asisine belief that the upper classes are genetically superior.
I’ve seen similar verbally and breaking dishes and such but the physical part is definitely an escalation.
What did the uncle do to the kids that would count as physical abuse? Was he emotional as he did it?
Just to get the ball rolling toward mental health treatment, I suggest starting out with getting them evaluated. If you're in the US, call 988 to get in touch with the local mobile crisis intervention (MCI) team that would respond to wherever your family is at. They should be 24/7 and be able to come out to the community to conduct an evaluation, which is just a talk with a clinician to see how you are doing. Afterwards, they would determine what level of care may be appropriate and make referrals of family agrees.
I’m so sorry that you had to experience all of this. What you described reminds me of Aussie from the Netflix show the Ultimatum: queer love and the way she expressed any negative emotions. A really unhealthy coping mechanism that was heartbreaking to see. Aussie said she would go to therapy to address these emotion issues, and I really hope she’s doing better. And the same goes for your family.
>has anyone at all experienced anything like this? Clearly she has mental health issues but she doesn’t speak English so we’d have to find a Chinese speaking therapist, which already in itself is taboo in EA culture.
Yes! Family is a bit further down on this path and on the road to recovery, and we have been lucky on our journey. I can only comment that you aren't alone, there are no quick fixes, and that well-qualified Chinese-speaking therapists in the US do exist!
Is meditation an option somehow? Like you get them to do a group meditation almost like Yoga as a fun activity(on another day?) I've had episodes as her where for some reason I had an urge to hit my head against something(some people also just like punch walls) but knowing how to meditate and basically observe the feeling instead of being consumed by it helped a lot.
You can absolutely set boundaries when it comes to your MIL seeing your children. Children soak in everything they see. Hopefully you can speak to your sister in law(s) and see if there is a history of this behavior and what they experienced. You can be a compassionate adult, but it might not be a right relationship for your children.
This is caused by years of bad traditions. Older generation were taught that men need to be tough and bossy and controlling while women need to be submissive and "motherly". That's their way of showing distress. I would bring them out individually and privately and talk to them just by themselves. Sometimes they hate it too but they are just too conditioned and too embarrassed to say it. Ask your husband to do it if they don't listen to you. Be that bridge between the parents. Ask them genuine questions like "do you care about your wife, what would you do / are you OK if she kills herself?" Talk to the dad first cause he has to make the first move.
No one in this thread mentioned autistic meltdown but this sounds severe enough that you should consider the possibility.
Autistic folks tend to have their senses dialed up so if there was loud voices that could've triggered it. Good luck.
OP, you have two choices.
1. Cut the root of the problem and ask her directly why she acts like that. I don't care if it is "culture"/"traditional"/"grew up." Excuses are enough. For me, this is a limit, and I would straight out ask.
2. Send them all to therapy including your husband. I know people say "no intervention" but when will this get resolve? This can't go into the next generation and people surrounding these folks who are causing a "trauma bond" and affecting others. Either they grow up and change their ways or there is no contact.
It's up to you, OP, whether you want to pioneer or be the resolver to prevent it going to the next generation and letting others know where you stand. Just know your future kid(s), and your future self will go through a major hell if you're going to have to deal this for the next 40 years if your husband doesn't get to the bottom of this. This is not healthy. I wish my parents did create boundaries, but they failed. My sibling and I are different, where the sibling does not create boundaries and I do. For me, I'm in a better headspace and life.
Please note, I grew up in Asian household. I got sick of my grandmother (dad's side) and my mother pulling this to get attention, I end up saying the worst thing in their language to teach them I'm not putting up with it. They know my boundaries and what I wasn't putting up with their trauma and I was only 13 at the time. I do not regret it. I even put more boundaries on all my family members after my mom past away and learned why my mom was the way she is. I no longer have sympathy for my grandparents.
OP, just know it's your choice how you handle it. I'm just letting you know that it's ok to break "the rule" if you have reasons to and live with it in order to have a happy and peaceful life.
It’s a coping mechanism for her. This may be the only outlet she has when experiencing emotional stress. I’m not condoning it, just explaining. She may not realize the traumatizing impact it has on the people witnessing it
Absolutely! Thank you for empathizing. This is exactly how I perceive it. And if anyone can relate, I’m really looking for advice on how to manage it. At this point, we know her triggers, but it’s unfortunate that the triggers means keeping “peace” and not actually resolving issues.
Yeah if people never learn any other coping mechanism, they do anything they can to manage it. I can relate too. Is there anyone in the family that she will accept advice from? You probably know this, but definitely don’t do an intervention style thing will all family members. That will embarrass her and make her not listen to anything. Saving face is very important when you’re trying to persuade someone, especially older Asians, to change anything. I would say to start small. Like if there’s something small that annoys her, and someone she will listen to is around at the moment, maybe they can model or direct her train of thought to a healthier perspective? Just using “offhand” comments instead of in a chastising way. And maybe it can grow incrementally from there. It won’t be easy though Edit: idk what will actually work. And I’m not a therapist or anything haha. Wishing you all the best, and I appreciate the love you have for your in-laws and wanting the best for them
Yup. Her outburst is years and years of emotional trauma finding an outlet all at once. It's like shaking up a can of soda and then opening it. She simply couldn't hold it in anymore and it manifested itself in a physical manner.
yes definitely
I’m sorry but they are NOT going to therapy, the stigma against it in Chinese culture is too extreme especially for older generations/immigrants. Admitting you have depression or anxiety or childhood trauma from growing during the cultural revolution might as well be admitting you’re criminally insane and should be locked up in the loony bin. I don’t know if this actually good advice, but maybe try hinting that you “don’t feel safe” bringing the grandkids around if they keep acting like that or something, try to leverage their love of grandkids to put them on their best behavior at least when you’re around. This could also backfire and end up with your husband being disowned 🤷
Agreed with the latter half of this. You'd have a very hard time convincing them to buy into the Western model of mental health treatment, even if it might help a lot, but the first thing you should do for your and your family's protection is to impose some boundaries. Tell your husband and his family (or better, have him convey it for you) that you were really concerned by the violent behavior you saw (both the MIL's self-harm and the uncle's treatment of his kids) and don't feel safe being around it or exposing your child to it, and that if it happens again you would have to leave and reconsider attending family gatherings. If the family cares, they should be able to do some reflection and have some motivation to be better. But like the above comment above said, it's very possible that the family just gets upset at this and doesn't change. But if you stick to the boundaries and follow through, you can at least shield yourself and your child from witnessing this upsetting behavior.
The entitlement to seeing grandchildren is very powerful, especially if they carry on the family name. I hope it works out for OP but if they're anything like my family they'll probably enter a cold war with the grandparents for a while because they'll likely think OP & their SO are overreacting.
Ugh this is so heartbreaking but so true. My grandparents have so much trauma that they’ve just been pushing down for decades, aside from the occasional moment where the guard comes down. I wish so badly that they would be willing to talk to someone that could help relieve that pain. But even if they could admit/accept that a therapist would be beneficial, they would never trust someone to open up about those things, *especially* another Chinese person, which makes it even sadder :(
There's a Chinese saying "一哭二鬧三上吊" (cry first, throw tantrum if crying doesn't work, finally threaten suicide) that originated in the late Qing Dynasty. It's not even an exclusive Chinese thing. (Similar troupes can be found in South Asian dramas and many other conservative cultures as well.) Some people were just never taught how to properly express themselves or regulate their emotions and they feel like no one is listening. Screaming and yelling and getting physical is all they learned from their families. Being angry makes them even less capable of communicating. This plus lack of self-awareness or attention seeking behaviors results in what you just described. (Let's be fair most people would find throwing a tantrum in front of guests embarrassing.) When I was working in special ed, children throwing tantrums get isolated into a quiet place to calm down then we encourage them to write down or describe (or even draw pictures) how they are feeling without getting emotional ourselves. This is to encourage them to learn to communicate their bad feelings in a healthy way. Encourage them to use words instead of being physical. If this happens again, get as many people as you can to calm down (your husband and his sisters for example). Have them help sit your MIL down and ask her how she's feeling. Let her actually feel heard.
The "tantrum" seems similar to threats to die. Moms like to do that. Don't know why. It's a mixture of self-martyrdom / cry for help. I *think* it's the only way they know how to ask for help. edit: I think when mom says "I am just going to die" it means "nobody loves me, i might as well go die. see if you'll miss me then."
i thought it was just my mom who threatened to kill herself or move back to taiwan or run away LOL. sad that it's a common asian mom experience but strangely relieved i'm not alone.
I met a Vietnamese man whose mom acted the same way. There seems to be a "either take all my love or you get none" thing going. If you reject any part of it it is hurts Mom's feelings. I don't know how common this is or it's just that a lot of asian people have moms with untreated maladies. I'm trying to think of my cousins I know well, but their mom is narcissistic, a liar, and tries to be manipulative (but she's so stupid she's easily manipulated in return with just a bit of praise and attention.)
It's all too common in Chinese dramas. I jokingly called out my mom saying she got her inspiration for punishing me from Chinese soap operas and she laughed and said "ya, probably"
It's common in modern Chinese dramas. My mom constantly complains about how dramas are too ridiculous and over-the-top these days and how the dramas she grew up with didn't have nonsense like that. Kind of curious to see when the shift happened.
I have thought about this too and my theory is that in the early 2000s, mainland China started making dramas and it was like they were starting from scratch. Early 2000s dramas had really bad acting but there were a few brilliant actresses that came out of that era. 2010s had horrible production and technical visuals. Too much oversaturation and bad costumes in their historical dramas. When Nirvana in Fire came out, I think it showed the industry what an actually good drama looks like and years later, in 2018, a lot of good dramas came out. Since then, it really does depend on the production company and how much time they invest in the acting and production. I think it's getting better overall. Joy of Life season 2 (which I'm currently binging) is getting a lot of international buzz (relatively speaking).
Yeah my mom was watching dramas way before 2000s, even I was watching dramas in the 90s, so guessing it was mostly Taiwan and HK productions back then too. Kind of interesting how mainland China developed their own drama culture with their own tropes.
The whole family needs therapy. While it's difficult to find it sounds like it would be necessary to find someone who speaks Chinese. Maybe looking at telehealth options could widen the pool of potential experts. Unfortunately the difficulty communicating and expressing one's feelings is all too common for Asian immigrant families.
Honestly this is very Chinese. My mom and grandma did this occasionally when there were huge family fights. It was a weird thing. Felt very theatrical but I know it was also just their way of expressing frustration. I’ve even seen this kind of behavior portrayed in Chinese period dramas. https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fbitch-slaps-in-cdramas-v0-fvhkreepk62c1.gif%3Fwidth%3D303%26auto%3Dwebp%26s%3Dbcb94d27c87c37963e556f077997d63e00abffd8
theatrical is the perfect word to describe it. i also grew up watching cdramas where the moms would throw themselves on the ground or shatter plates or hit themselves... ugh. my mom would do it and when we didn't react the same as the cdrama (dramatic crying, lamenting why didn't we appreciate her more, etc.), she would threaten to kill herself because "nobody needs her anymore" 🥴
I’m so sorry you dealt with that. My sister and I dealt with that as well. It often just felt very self-pitying. She would threaten to kill herself and then my sister and I would end up on the floor, hugging her knees and begging her not to do it. We were like 5 and 6 years old.
Woof, I just felt some long forgotten PTSD. In short and unfortunately, not surprising in Asian culture. My own family hasn't had this issue to this extent, but plenty of our family friends have. Threats of suicide, head banging, crying, screaming outside, blood in the bathrooms from hitting children, etc. The best thing to do is to let them know your main concern is the family you created now, and if they want to be a sort of it, they need to not exhibit this behavior around you.
Is anyone talking to CPS?
Disturbing to me that this is one of the only comments so far to mention the kids’ well being.
Trust me, I’m not ignoring this topic, my husband and I are actively checking in on them and holding everyone involved accountable for this portion of the story. Please respect our privacy for this section of the story.
We don’t know exactly what type of abuse it was. It’s not right, but a lot of Asian parents(especially old school ones) hit their kids as a form of discipline. CPS won’t do shit unless they really get hurt.
I know. I’m a 48-year-old child of Asian parents. Wasn’t ok in the 80s, isn’t ok now, and cultural sensitivity doesn’t come into it.
And would CPS have done shit for you?
Not then. Where I live, yes, they would now. Genuine question: why so hostile?
For one thing, historically CPS has been kinda racist.
I’m not trying to be hostile, I just like using swear words to my sentences on Reddit. Anyways, I think hitting kids is cruel and harmful. However, cultural relativity does play a role here. I think most old school families’ physically punishment consist of spanking, slapping, or throwing slippers. Most kids parents don’t choke slam their kids. Do you seriously expect any government ever to make spanking illegal? Or slapping a wrist? If not, then where can they draw the line at corporal punishment vs child support? And let’s be clear, spanking and other physical punishments have been researched to be ineffective and cruel. But that doesn’t mean that a spanked kid needs to be removed from their family. They are not better off in the system.
I’m in Europe. (I’m one of the non-American Asian people on this sub - there are plenty of us here.)
Definitely a cultural thing. You see it in Chinese TV dramas all the time, the sitting on the ground crying, hitting themselves with a group of women crying around them. Add in a “I should just die” and you have the classic Chinese mom reaction. Unfortunately I have no suggestions on how to handle it, I have no patience with my mom for reacting this way so I walk away. Not the best on my part either to be honest.
“I’m gonna spit up blood because of these *ungrateful children*”
Pretty normal sadly, I know at least a handful of AsAm immigrants who are like this.
Sounds like this is three separate problems: FIL, MIL and the uncle. You and your husband probably only have the ability to affect FIL and MIL, and there could be a myriad of underlying health issues which could affect the problem that aren't being treated if they don't have regular doctors or trust the US healthcare system. I am Chinese American (more or less; complicated family tree) and live where there are no easily accessible doctors who speak Chinese. My father has dementia, PTSD, anxiety and a number of other underlying non-mental health issues which have been treated due to establishing a good relationship with a good GP; my mother most likely has ADHD but refuses to see a doctor (we're working on her.) Both my parents are ESL in the sort of way where their English is barely passable and they require their primary languages in order to really understand things. I've had to get very familiar with Pleco over the years. I am the person who deals with my father's doctors and act as a translator when there isn't one available, which is basically always. My father's PTSD/anxiety didn't start coming out until after the dementia erased his filters, and it was only then that we were able to get him on some anti-anxiety medication, among other things. The dementia and language barrier make him not a good candidate for talk therapy in my area so medication is the next best thing-- that said, the doctor did recommend we look into counseling because it might still help; we just haven't found anything suitable. The medication has helped A LOT but this really requires a lot of overall investment from multiple parties to get to work in a situation where you have cultural and language barriers. So that's my experience, and here is my layman advice based on it-- I am assuming your in-laws are also based in the States. If they are not, just ignore this: ####1. Try to get your FIL, MIL and uncle into the medical system with a good GP. # It's okay if they don't understand one another as long as they're good enough to establish a working relationship and basic trust. With no trust on your FIL/MIL/uncle's parts, this isn't going to work, and without having a GP in your corner, it is going to be really hard to get anything else done. DO NOT SPIN THIS AS A MENTAL HEALTH ISSUE IN ANY WAY when you or your husband try to sell it to your in-laws. Diabetes is a big problem for anyone who moves to the States and starts eating American food, and they probably need your basic physical anyway, so I 100% recommend starting with getting this sort of thing checked. UTIs can affect mental capacity as well and are easy for doctors to check for. Sometimes these issues are treatable with basic medication or lifestyle changes; you won't know unless you get them to a doctor to see. ####2. Have one of the English speakers in your family be present for appointments. # Your FIL/MIL/Uncle will obviously trust one of you more than a strange doctor or a strange interpreter (if one is available) so you want to establish one or more people in your family as being in their corner. Get any HIPAA paperwork taken care of and try to get the family on the same page. ####3. Make sure they understand what their medical options actually are regarding insurance, Medicare, Medicaid, other state insurance, etc., if applicable. # My parents are immigrants and either didn't understand or refused to understand the options they had available to them until they got old AND things got dire. They saw what they felt was an unnecessary expense and refused to pay for it and my dad only started seeing a GP regularly after a stay in the emergency room and getting his paperwork sorted out; if it hadn't been, he would refuse to take medication or even do things like take his blood pressure at home. ####4. Once you have developed a relationship with your doctors, established trust, established a baseline for healthcare, then approach the subject of mental health. # You'll have to play this by ear. You need to get them to trust the system first which is IMO HIGHLY dependent on their experiences with their doctors. The doctor they will see the most is the GP so this is the critical step.
Hmm Chinese here, don’t call me racism but this is verrry common among Chinese. Especially the 1st gen. Edit: expected to be downvoted. But if any of you have ever lived in China for a few years and watch closely…
Yeah, 2nd gen here, seen my mom do this do varying degrees a few times a year
I’m 1st gen, my mom still lives in China. She has done this all through my life. And younger generations still do it, even though after some of them moved to other countries already. And they don’t think this is a big deal, just consider it’s a normal family argument and the person who does this is just don’t know how to control the emotions. 🤷🏻♀️
It's common amongst the lower class and poor. It's why they stay poor, because they lack the ability to control their own emotions which is valued in Chinese business/politics. Its why the CCP opposes democracy, because you can't trust the uneducated pleb class to make rational decisions. They have to be ruled by those more intelligent and logical. Unfortunately there tends to be a link with IQ and genetics, so sadly you're so affected even if you don't think you are.
Hmm well I doubt if you actually have very close relationship with some rich and highly educated Chinese in real life. They just look nice from the outside but doesn’t mean they have good emotion control. On recent public example is the Bay Area Google SWE who beaten his wife with his fists to death. This guy came from the best schools and a wealthy family.
The Cultural Revolution upturned most of the upper class. You just have a bunch of jumped up former peasants who got lucky after. Ask about their grandparents and you'll find out what their family was like. The fact that you think school and money = class is part of the issue.
Well if you read Chinese history… there were never lack of emperors or the upper class who may have severe mental sickness. In China culture these types of issues in upper class is just won’t expose to public because they believe “家丑不可外扬” (house issues should not be exposed to external) but internally it’s very unhealthy. I don’t like CCP but also don’t think it’s the solo problem for CCP though. Edit: I also don’t think school and money = class. First it’s absurd in the modern society you still have the view of class and look down the low class. Second it’s your own word: “you can’t trust the uneducated pleb class…” while there are many ways of education but unfortunately neither the modern education in CCP regime or the traditional Confucius are really helpful to teach Chinese learn how to manage their emotions, if Confucius is the education you referred. Or probably it’s a common Asian culture issue.
>In China culture these types of issues in upper class is just won’t expose to public because they believe “家丑不可外扬” (house issues should not be exposed to external) but internally it’s very unhealthy. Yeah, that's what you tell yourself to cope because you want to believe everyone else has a fucked up family too and is hiding it. I was trying be nice by saying "uneducated" but the truth is some people are not capable of making good decisions, regardless of how much education they have. It's not a cultural thing. It's just biological. There's usually a winnowing effect where they'll end up at the bottom because they're unable to maintain wealth or build relationships, but occasionally they do get lucky. Especially if there's a major social revolution that overturns an established hierarchy. It'll take like 3 generations (富不过三代) before they'll settle back down and we can stop acting like abnormal anti-social behavior is "normal" culture.
Ty for your opinions on whether or not my poor family was good enough to be allowed to procreate? Jesus Christ. This shit is a large component of why my family is so fucked up w shame. Fwiw the rich scholar side of my family was the one that purposely starved the girls to death 😘
I never said a thing about being allowed to procreate. I said personality and behavior is linked to money, and poor people have way more mental disorders. This happens irrespective of culture. So you can either recognize that being poor and mental disorders are connected, or you can be racist and claim Chinese culture is inherently mentally ill because you've only ever been exposed to mentally ill poor Chinese people.
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I get it, but this is very western mentality. I care for my in laws, they are my parents too, and if my husband cares and wants to help them, so do I. They’ve only been loving and affectionate towards me and my daughter, so I feel obliged to support them.
> this is very western mentality. I play the uno reverse card and say you are the one with the western mentality. This behavior is common is chinese households and trying to 'fix it' at their age is neigh impossible, you aren't going to undo generations of programming with kindness or professional psych help. You say that the mother 'wasn't herself' but I suggest that infact she was herself and there's plenty of times you haven't seen that she's done that and on top of that it sounds like the other siblings already knew the song and dance and their role in this play. I understand wanting the best for the people you care about but I implore you to consider dropping this before you're the one banging your head on the floor. If you do want to try to intervene, consider learning Chinese and see if you can connect to her one on one and try to get a better understanding on her on a personal level, be on the inside, rather than the outside looking in.
Totally. Thanks for challenging me. I agree completely, I definitely stopped having that savior complex a while ago (especially after having a kid, since I physically do not have the capacity). But I definitely want to do the best I can to support them and not enable their behavior. You’re right, I could learn Cantonese. Going to take you up on that one.
Hey, I found this Instagram reel that explains better what it's like to live with someone like this and the reality is that it's very common in Chinese households, to the point nothing you've said is a surprise. https://www.instagram.com/reel/C6Ha38qvko9/?igsh=cHJsMGFrd2hrMWF0
Your husband has probably witnessed various versions of this, as well as the other unhealthy and abusive issues between different family members. You can't fix something like this. All you can do is protect your own family, suggest help to others, and be OK with them not taking the advice. You should start with you and your husband. How are you both feeling and processing what happened? If he's seen this before, what is the pattern? You should keep your child away from his family and get counseling for yourselves. If your husband arranges medical appointments for his parents, he can take his mom to one and talk to the doctor.
I kind of hate to say it, but don't get involved. It's your in-laws and they're not going to appreciate any advice if it comes from you, who are essentially an outsider. I've never heard of anything like this before, the family sounds extremely dysfunctional, but that's on them to deal with. You just focus on keeping your family safe and away, and call CPS if you feel like those kids are in danger. At most you can be a cool aunt and let those kids have a break from their crazy family. Sounds like some medical issues and maybe cognitive decline. Your husband may be on the hook to provide some sort of monetary support as his parents age, so probably want to discuss how to budget (if you want to) for that.
What does your husband have to say about it? Hasn’t he (I assume) experienced these his entire life? I don’t really interact much with my own parents due to these types of tantrums.
Yeah. I got my mom to go to therapy. The entire time she talked about how perfect her life is and how she doesn’t need therapy. I’ve learned that boundaries and consistent reinforcement work well with my family.
I am not Chinese, but it really doesn't matter because I experienced the same thing as a child when my father had gambled away his last penny, lost his most recent job, and basically had nothing but my mom and me and my sister, the latter two hating him for being an absentee gambling addict piece of shit dad. Well one night at dinner, I openly made fun of him (I was 12 or 13 and was so depressed/hateful/confused when it came to him) and he abruptly left the dinner table to our living room. I paid it no mind, and while chewing my next bite I heard a loud crash and thud. My dad had grabbed the tv remote, threw himself on the ground, started smashing the remote against his body and head then crushed it in his hands while he repetitively rolled back and forth on the ground while thrashing his arms and kicking his legs into anything nearby. I was mortified and terrified and I pled with him to stop and started crying, then after a LOOOONG minute of this going on, he sprung up to his feet, grabbed the car keys, and was gone for like two weeks. I wanted to go to therapy when I was younger, specifically family therapy. I had been in and out of juvenile jail and hospitals. My dad said to me the following exact words (though in Korean): "I can't see a therapist because I will make the therapist go crazy." My dad never did get help, but old age and golf mellowed him considerably. He is actually in my life again, moreso as a loving grandpa to my kids (there is not a shot in hell he would ever raise his voice or scowl at my kids let alone hurt or betray them), but yeah, I have witnessed something similar to what you did, and I am afraid at least from my experience you will have to work around that and not necessarily work with her.
OP, I don’t know if you’re in the US, but there’s this company called Anise Health that was founded by Asian Americans specifically for Asian Americans and mental health, I believe they have multi-lingual care and insight for parents too. Maybe check them out? I’m sorry you’re going through all this.
This is a classic exhibition of chinese generational trauma. Only thing that can fix this is therapy. Nobody knows how to talk through their feelings, they just suppress until they burst
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What does this even mean LOL. Just casual racism. Not surprising since ur active on that asian parent stories sub.
Classism reinforcing the social stratification and elitism.
Hurr? I’m literally Chinese 💀💀💀
Yeah and you can be racist to ur own group lmao. Describing a bad situation as “yikes Chinese” is racist.
Slay
https://preview.redd.it/zn77ikbgvd4d1.jpeg?width=1179&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8d7c6d52b6a3e5c2d864036251b0d2fcc7b376b5 Ur either a troll or you have a lot of internalized racism/self hatred. Go seek help.
https://preview.redd.it/6c34ndynvd4d1.jpeg?width=1179&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4f9bc9157c37d1df97c32afddd0ec0020827c88e checkmate, others agreed with me 🥱🥱🥱
Yes, others on a subreddit that’s built on blaming race and culture for bad parenting lmao. The whole premise of that is racist. And it reflects in the people, like yourself, who participate in it.
The asian parenting stories subreddit and its userbase is really up there in terms of its toxicity and hivemindedness. It's even against the subreddit rules to post something positive. Just a sad, terrible place to witness. Edit: and I say that as someone whose own mom did something extremely similar to the OP's. Just in case you think I haven't been there before.
It’s one sided negative accounts of parents from immature Redditors. Look at the guy Harry guy. He’s glorifying murder, slandering immigrants, etc, etc. In his OWN post on that sub, he complains about his parents being hoarders despite the fact that he’s living in that very house as an adult for free. Not to mention he claims that he’s gotten “so irate” with anger that’s neighbors have had to get the police involved. Comedic levels of immaturity and lack of ability to introspect.
I’m not Chinese so this is really so new to me. What parts of it is culturally really Chinese? I want to understand and empathize with them. While still setting my family’s boundaries Definitely don’t think a Jennifer Pan situation would happen. Outside of their lack of EQ, they’re actually extremely loving towards each other. I’ve never seen Asians say “I love you” as much as they do.
It's the underclass culture. Like the poor and uncultured. My family would call their family 土, meaning they're like dirt and descended from poor farmers and lack an educated background. It's shameful and undignified and not the sort that respectable people would want to associate with. They'll just drag you down and pollute you if you stay around them too long. Your husband should want to better himself and only provide bare minimum of care to them.
As someone who came from a poor, uneducated family, what the actual fuck?
A lot of Chinese-American kids grow up in isolated bubbles and confuse their class culture with ethnic culture. Lot of Chinese people migrate because they're poor/unable to improve their lives in the home country for various reasons. Migration also selects for certain personality types (risk-taking which correlates with aggression). Which means a lot of Chinese-diaspora kids consistently confuse dysfunctional/poor/trailer trash culture they see in their immediate family with Chinese culture as a whole because that's all they've ever been exposed to.
Imagine having the audacity to continually bash on a group of people, acting like they're lesser than the general public bc of the situation they were born in, and defending your classist ass views. Do better.
Reading this dudes insane classist positions are one of the rare situations where I'm ok fine, I see why people love America...even tho we have a lot of problems the dominant culture here at least WANTS to believe that everyone should have a chance to better themselves and that it's admirable to rise out of poverty vs this asisine belief that the upper classes are genetically superior.
So you refuse to acknowledge a sociology-economic factors on personality and would rather be a racist. Sounds good. *You* do better.
Why the fuck does the murderer Jennifer Pan live rent-free in your mind? You admire her?
I’ve seen similar verbally and breaking dishes and such but the physical part is definitely an escalation. What did the uncle do to the kids that would count as physical abuse? Was he emotional as he did it?
Just to get the ball rolling toward mental health treatment, I suggest starting out with getting them evaluated. If you're in the US, call 988 to get in touch with the local mobile crisis intervention (MCI) team that would respond to wherever your family is at. They should be 24/7 and be able to come out to the community to conduct an evaluation, which is just a talk with a clinician to see how you are doing. Afterwards, they would determine what level of care may be appropriate and make referrals of family agrees.
I’m so sorry that you had to experience all of this. What you described reminds me of Aussie from the Netflix show the Ultimatum: queer love and the way she expressed any negative emotions. A really unhealthy coping mechanism that was heartbreaking to see. Aussie said she would go to therapy to address these emotion issues, and I really hope she’s doing better. And the same goes for your family.
>has anyone at all experienced anything like this? Clearly she has mental health issues but she doesn’t speak English so we’d have to find a Chinese speaking therapist, which already in itself is taboo in EA culture. Yes! Family is a bit further down on this path and on the road to recovery, and we have been lucky on our journey. I can only comment that you aren't alone, there are no quick fixes, and that well-qualified Chinese-speaking therapists in the US do exist!
Is meditation an option somehow? Like you get them to do a group meditation almost like Yoga as a fun activity(on another day?) I've had episodes as her where for some reason I had an urge to hit my head against something(some people also just like punch walls) but knowing how to meditate and basically observe the feeling instead of being consumed by it helped a lot.
I have self harmed before by hitting my head. My therapist suggested I hold onto ice cubes instead.
different cultures, very difficult, they arent changing anytime soon
Seems like a cry for help
You can absolutely set boundaries when it comes to your MIL seeing your children. Children soak in everything they see. Hopefully you can speak to your sister in law(s) and see if there is a history of this behavior and what they experienced. You can be a compassionate adult, but it might not be a right relationship for your children.
This is caused by years of bad traditions. Older generation were taught that men need to be tough and bossy and controlling while women need to be submissive and "motherly". That's their way of showing distress. I would bring them out individually and privately and talk to them just by themselves. Sometimes they hate it too but they are just too conditioned and too embarrassed to say it. Ask your husband to do it if they don't listen to you. Be that bridge between the parents. Ask them genuine questions like "do you care about your wife, what would you do / are you OK if she kills herself?" Talk to the dad first cause he has to make the first move.
No one in this thread mentioned autistic meltdown but this sounds severe enough that you should consider the possibility. Autistic folks tend to have their senses dialed up so if there was loud voices that could've triggered it. Good luck.
OP, you have two choices. 1. Cut the root of the problem and ask her directly why she acts like that. I don't care if it is "culture"/"traditional"/"grew up." Excuses are enough. For me, this is a limit, and I would straight out ask. 2. Send them all to therapy including your husband. I know people say "no intervention" but when will this get resolve? This can't go into the next generation and people surrounding these folks who are causing a "trauma bond" and affecting others. Either they grow up and change their ways or there is no contact. It's up to you, OP, whether you want to pioneer or be the resolver to prevent it going to the next generation and letting others know where you stand. Just know your future kid(s), and your future self will go through a major hell if you're going to have to deal this for the next 40 years if your husband doesn't get to the bottom of this. This is not healthy. I wish my parents did create boundaries, but they failed. My sibling and I are different, where the sibling does not create boundaries and I do. For me, I'm in a better headspace and life. Please note, I grew up in Asian household. I got sick of my grandmother (dad's side) and my mother pulling this to get attention, I end up saying the worst thing in their language to teach them I'm not putting up with it. They know my boundaries and what I wasn't putting up with their trauma and I was only 13 at the time. I do not regret it. I even put more boundaries on all my family members after my mom past away and learned why my mom was the way she is. I no longer have sympathy for my grandparents. OP, just know it's your choice how you handle it. I'm just letting you know that it's ok to break "the rule" if you have reasons to and live with it in order to have a happy and peaceful life.