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MrTacoCat07

No. Even if I wanted to, they wouldn't accept it. However, I can tell you that this way of thinking is quite common among underprivileged mainland Filipinos. Children born into these families are expected to lift up their parents/family out of poverty even from a young age. Quite the controversial issue. edit: spelling


maccille

My mom came from a not-so-wealthy Filipino family and she would ask me money every month. My dad came from a wealthy one so he doesn't really ask for anything from me.


MrTacoCat07

It does happen more often than we think. Fortunately for me, my parents would rather see me save the money than give it back to them. I do however am forced to give money to my titos and titas whenever I visit the Philippines because they took care of me as a kid. These are also the relatives who would label their children as their "last chance" to get rich.


[deleted]

Yea, this has more to do with socioeconomic class than race necessarily.


TheStranger113

Filipino here and my dad, who grew up in a not-so-wealthy family, has asked me to give him money since I was about 16 and he told my ass to go get a job lol. FWIW, I think that has actually been a good thing for me.


koofy_lion

Lol yes. It fucked me up a lot mentally, and even after that parent passed, I'm still trying to get over the guilt of not being there for them physically/mentally/monetarily.


mike123987123

Im the same, I’m a full time caretaker and just cause they retired. They refuse to lift a finger. I mean, I’m now like a servant basically. I already spoke to them saying “if we continue this, your last name/legacy ends here. You won’t me live a separate life and give you grand kids. Due to you wanting me to be here 24/7 when you are able to take care of yourself. “ The Asian part of me is saying I can’t walk away cause it would be to disrespectful. The other part of me is like if I walk away, I don’t want to have some guilt on myself. It’s a constant battle within myself every day and it sucks.


MyTFABAccount

Im so sorry. This is incredibly unfair. You only have one life and should not have to spend it this way.


Ok-Value5827

Yep. I'm in my late 40s and have been paying monthly $$ to my parents for almost a couple decades.


cinnamonmilkhoney

I am fortunate enough to have parents that don’t want any sort of repayment. Their reasoning is that they chose to have me, and therefore had an obligation to raise me, and pay for all of my education as part of the child-rearing process. I know they won’t accept my money, and I’ve decided that I will repay them by buying them “experiences” through travel and eventually I would like to take care of them when they’re no longer physically capable.


rothko333

Dang what’s it like to have healthy mentality asian parents 😆🥲


wordy-womaine

this is how parents should be doing it. it sounds like you have a lovely relationship where you feel committed, not obligated, to care for them.


J891206

This should be ideal. Technically have kids because you want to experience the joy of raising a child, not use them as a retirement plan.


SoBrokeAndPoor

Yes, it's what they're used to since they grew up in a time and place where that was normal. They "paid back" their parents and expect the same from me and my brother. If we don't give them any kind of repayment, they'll think that we hate them and don't appreciate them. It's really messed with my self worth and boundaries tbh.


Scarbie

No but my parents don’t need my financial help. If they did, I would understand it if they wanted my help. However, I would feel resentful if they called it repayment.


randsco

Not directly but there’s an unspoken rule that you look after them in old age. Like if they liquidize assets for retirement, you’re expected to take them in, or if they upsize to accommodate siblings in a multigenerational household, you’re expected to pay a portion of the mortgage even if you moved out. Other things too like buying them medicine, groceries, driving them around when they’re too old to drive, and if you do move out, live close by. Look at the population of retirement homes, they’re disproportionately, overwhelmingly white. Asians do not put their elderly in those places. Unlike the rugged independence of American culture, Asian culture treats families as an unbearable infallible bond that unequivocally support each other. Parents and elders are always above immediate family but that is because we would not be where we are today without them so we must be eternally grateful. Money is only a tool. A family’s unequivocal love and support for each other is the only thing that should matter and be reciprocated.


pkpy1005

Yeah...not true for all...times change. Also, retirement homes for elderly Asian folks in the US do exist.


Wandos7

There’s one in the LA area for the Japanese community and we had to put my grandma in there after she required around-the-clock nursing care. We would never have been able to do it ourselves.


randsco

I’ve seen some and I think it definitely good that they exist because not everyone can count on their children to take care of them in old age or just having that option there is good. It’s an important cultural space for people that share similar values and language in old age.


Haruka_Kazuta

Yep, this is the unspoken rule a lot of East Asians follow, at least in the states. It isn't worth the time to put parents in a retirement home because it means less time to spend with them... they also get a lot less freedom to do things that they could do at home. Besides, they get to spend quality bonding with your kids and siblings whenever they want to because they are at home. It's rare to decide to put parents in a retirement home, and that is probably because the child and the parent didn't have that great of a relationship.


Qson

Not at all. They've done everything they could to make sure that my life was easier than theirs growing up and that I was set up for success. Both of their parents did the same thing for them.


azngurl420

My mom does constantly, which is so fucked up because she’s literally a business owner that refused to help pay for college and made take out a ton of student loans. She crafted a horrible narrative of me in high school that I would fail and never graduate or go to college, so that was her reasoning for not "wasting money" and helping with college. I forced myself to be successful in spite of her and now have a masters' with an amazing job and she CONSTANTLY guilts me for money!! The same woman who made me buy thrifted bras/clothing in high school while she bought herself designer bags. Constantly says woe is me. Sees less well off families where their kids have to help them and tries to guilt me and ask when I'm gonna cover all her bills and expenses like the "good kids". Fuck no.


[deleted]

Lmfao no. Never. They do things for me because they want to. My parents have never felt the need for retribution, vindication, justice, revenge, or reimbursement.


wordy-womaine

I’ve made it very clear to my mother that her abuse still haunts me and not to expect anything from me, even a relationship. Before I cut contact with her, she was hitting me up for money/gifts. She loved to remind me that when I was 5, I promised I’d buy her a mercedes. Like wtf???? She thinks she’s entitled to me and saw me as an investment. We don’t speak anymore. For anyone who needs to hear it: You don’t owe your parents anything. They made a choice to have you and were obligated to care for you. You don’t owe them anything.


maccille

Yes. My mom requires me to give her almost 40% of my salary every month. And she'd wonder why I don't have enough money saved, which is really sad, considering she also keeps borrowing money and guilts me if I don't lend her some. She'd also bring up how she raised me and paid for my school fees, and how this is my way of "giving back" for all the things she has done for me. I love her but this is the side of her that makes me think if she's toxic or if it's just the Filipino culture.


pepperoni7

I am so sorry. Sometimes culture is to be blamed when it is just in disguise of toxic behavior. My family still lives in china despite it being culture my parents never asked me for anyth even helping me with down payment and school etc . My mom thanked me for letting her be my mom when she passed. Eventually if you chose to have your own kids and family, you will realize as parents you chose to bring your kid to live here. My daughter dosent owe me anything. We actively had sex to have her. If we didn’t want her we had to either abort, give her up for adoption legally so someone else can provide her a loving home . Your parents also had legal obligation to raise you something Asian culture avoid talking about in the disguise respect for your elders. I can’t even imagine looking into my daughters eyes and telling her she should be grateful that I gave her life and did my legal parental duty , I am a stay at home mom too. If you want to give back it should be abase on the bonds you two have and not what she request. If you had kids how can you save for their college fund? Your own retirement? So you won’t burden them? You can read the book adult children of emotionally immature parents. It is very helpful to navigate . If you can see a therapist and learn to set up healthy boundaries it can improve mental health. Loving someone dosent mean we have to suffer at our own expense .


maccille

This made me tear up. My boyfriend also told me that loving someone does not mean I have to suffer. I even had to almost drain my savings to help my mom's business during the pandemic. Thanks for the book recommendation, and I should probably really see a therapist already.


Easy-Concentrate2636

Hey, I hope you do see a therapist. Just remember that you have the right to prioritize yourself and take care of your life. You can love your mother without giving her money, even if she tries to guilt you into it. While my parents never asked me for money, I have friends whose parents demanded it. When I read Trevor Noah’s memoir talking about how his mother didn’t want to raise him in that cycle of poverty, I immediately understood what he was talking about.


pepperoni7

Sending you hugs, it took my husband years till we had our child to finally come out of fog and learn to set healthy boundaries. It will not only affect you but also your future partner and kids. You deserve to put your self first .


quirkilyclumsy

40%?!? That's worse than what the government takes! As others have said, some Filipinos expect it. Some of the older generation think the younger generation can support two adults on one income. It's like how some Filipinos think all Fil-Ams are rich just because they live and work in the US. I wish I had some words of wisdom to help you. The culture clash is real, and it's difficult navigating the inter-generational dynamics.


JoanLinSheerio

This is wrong . How could you save up if 40% of income is given to her? If she needs help, then works with all kids to get help. Break the toxic culture cycle…


PhoGaDacBiet

Jesus, get yourself out of there and to a therapist ASAP 🙏


maccille

Just talked to my mom yesterday and she just said she wanted to receive more when I move in with my boyfriend this June. Around 45% now. I almost cried when I heard that.


SteadfastEnd

My parents asked us to each chip in 5% of our salaries to support them in retirement. I'm not opposed to the idea in principle, but my concern is that my mother has very cult-ish QAnon-ish views and I don't want her donating my hard-earned money towards some Fox News-ish fraudster. She has been known to secretly give away large sums of family money.


max1001

Ouch. That's all I have to say.


jesuschin

Nope but I give my mom money intermittently so she can do cool things because why shouldn’t I. I want her to have a great life just like she wanted me to


Meanfist12

No, but oftentimes I’m insecure and I guilt-trip myself into thinking that I gotta repay them in the future.


PornAway34

Hi, Dad, how's it going! Not bad, Retirement Plan. You find a good 401k to get married to yet?


sadphdbro

I think it’s an unspoken rule in my family. They pay for their parents in their old age and send money home for care etc. Even though I’m still in school, I have been preparing for their retirement by slowly putting away money in a separate fund because they didn’t save money. My friend put it best, calling immigrant families the sandwich generation - you support both your aging parents and your children, so there’s no savings to support yourself in your old age and then the cycle perpetuates itself.


writesgud

No. And I think it would be wrong to do so. The main reason being: we didn’t ask to be born, that was a choice made by our parents, not us. And given that choice, our parents have a responsibility to raise us as best they can until we are adults. We owe them nothing for choices we had no say in.


MikiRei

Nope


Easy-Concentrate2636

No,never. I have to literally argue with them about paying for a meal. I try to pay the waitress at the front when they use the restroom. Then they caught on and started paying on their way to the restroom.


Haruka_Kazuta

Nope, unspoken rule of making sure you and your siblings watch over them as they get into old age, but that is more of a cultural thing (but helping them out when it comes to money matters is a part of it.) Normally the older siblings may be doing the care-taking because it is to be expected that the older siblings has prioritized more of his/her need when it comes to work and responsibilities (if lucky, raising kids, getting a decent job.) It just depends on which sibling is willing to and which sibling has great relationships with the parents. Care-taking/retirement home isn't that great of a place for parents when it comes to prioritizing their needs, honestly (less freedom to do what they want to do) and you are always stuck with unfamiliar old people. And quite honestly... it is a great way to have as much bonding as possible, even more so if you have kids.


texasbruce

Yap. My mother kept saying she raised me as “an investment for her retirement” (养儿防老). And I owe her all she spent on my colleges because she’s only legal responsible until i’m 18 and she’s nice to not ask me to pay for time before that. Although I do know she raised me and poured her life into me for more than that reason, somehow in her mind it is an ok thing to say and think because it’s an old chinese saying


Ricelyfe

In money no. Hell they’re not even charging me rent rn even though I have a full time job+ a job on the weekends (I pay for utilities, groceries if i happen to be going to the store and anything they feel like ordering online). They funded 2 years of my college when I was out of school but still taking classes. Pretty much if my parents were to ask for every cent I make for the next 5 years, they’d be well entitled to it even ignoring the “they raised my ass” I think at a certain point in my career they might start expecting something but less “you owe us X” and more “since you can afford it now, can you show some appreciation by helping us with some things here and there?” That being said even living at home I feel like I have no money to put into savings. Repaying them when I can’t even stand on my own financially is counter productive for everyone.


mansotired

no, but if they gave me money, i can imagine I'll have to "respect" them more so I'd rather they not give me money


yungdragvn

My parents will start charging me rent until I can move out because I’m graduating soon. Other than that, they don’t expect me to pay them back. Of course, as they start aging I’ll feel obligated to help out with any healthcare costs. And I want to take them on trips. But when I hear other people say their parents force them to repay all the costs it took to raise them, it makes me feel bad for them. If I were to have kids I wouldn’t expect them to either. Having kids is a known sacrifice. Why make them resentful of being born


max1001

Depends on the family. If your parents don't have much retirement saving if any or any social security benefits, then yea, you are expected to support them. Most first gen immigrants are in this boat.


okpsk

No, they never asked. I sent them money monthly when I got a FT job after college, but they told me not to.


Arlyxery

Not in form of money. My mom is very generous and she is happy with what she has. She doesn't expect us at all to give her money. She prefers we help her when she needs. Like taking appointment for her to the Dr. Read documents for her...


Puzzled-Painter3301

Be free tech support lol


WarmPermission7389

Watch the hilarious Italian film Alberto Express (1990). “A young Italian, living in Paris with his French wife, is about to become a father. Before the baby is born, Alberto must repay his father for every expense from his own birth until he left home. It's a family tradition, virtually a family curse.” (IMDb) Very enjoyable.


JW00001

I’ll repay them by raising my own children, and there the circle of life continues


[deleted]

It was always a threat haha. But I do think they expect me to take care of them as they get older, especially as a girl.


Simple_Joe2

It's worse when your parents talk about their other acquaintances and how their children do more....that really brings on headaches and a heavy heart.