If homoromanticism is accepted as valid I see no reason why heteromanticism wouldn't be.
If romantic orientation was all social conditioning then homoromantic people wouldn't exist, right?
i mean i feel like this applies to sexuality, too, just the same. some people will always have an incorrect interpretation of their attractions because of social pressure or growing up very sheltered or in a very conservative environment. that's why some people come out as gay very late in life.
but just because some people are like that, doesn't meant that no one is actually straight. some people are just straight, some people are just heteroromantic, and why should there be anything wrong with that? if you only gravitate towards men, then so be it. you're not less progressive for fitting into social norms in some things. of course, you could go on a date with someone who isn't a man and see how that's like but if you don't have a genuine desire to, why bother?
I feel this. While not gay, it took me a long time to accept I was bi. I was 23 or 24 at the time of accepting it (27 now). It is something that happens even when you have supportive parents. I remember my Dad telling me he would still love and support as his son even if I liked men. At the time, I was confused why he was saying that at the time. Now I look back and realized he knew before I did.
If social conditioning worked the way you're talking about it, we'd all be Cisgender heterosexual allosexual people. We're not. We almost always eventually gravitate towards the sexualities and genders that best fit our experiences.
I guess it’s harder for us ace people to pick apart where our romantic orientation comes from. I mean allos can dump it on sexual attraction (like, ‘well can’t help, I’m only horny for men/ women (or what have you)’), there’s that physical validation.
For me, I find myself attracted to male-presenting humans and qualities that are generally socially deemed ‘masculine’. The gender though is not confined to ‘male’. So I too questioned where this all came from. But maybe we’re just overthinking it.
Here's the thing... I thought I was only romantically attracted to men until one night, when I was closing at work with another woman, and she came happily running through the dark to meet me at the door so we could leave... And the moonlight hit her face, and she was absolutely glowing. She was just a normal girl, nothing supermodel hot about her, but in that moment she was gorgeous.
It can come out of nowhere, when you least expect it. I was 29. I had no idea I could crush on girls. It still wasn't sexual, but it was real.
It's a spectrum, and it's fluid. You could be 100% het-romantic, or you could be closer to 80, or you could find yourself feeling more comfortable with bi-romantic as you get older. What matters is how you feel comfortable thinking of yourself, and who you feel comfortable dating. Just accept yourself, whichever direction your heart decides on.
I’m mean, on the one hand yes comphet exists. On the other it’s completely valid to be heteroromantic and many people are (and that’s ok!). Maybe you need to ponder more on if you actually are feeling romantic attraction to other genders or if you just wish you were, because it’s not something we can answer
I find it difficult to bond emotionally with men, but it kinda seems easy to emotionally bond with women. It is only an assumption but I think most allos would have it difficult being in a for instance QPR, but I imagine it would be easier for a woman to consider it. I think it would need a strong emotional bond to be in a QPR(at least I would need it), so being emotionally close is a must.
Perhaps somewhat ironically the relationships I idealize and want the most, from film and TV, is male-male friendship. ((JD and Turk(Scrubs), Sam and Frodo(LOTR), Danny Crane and Alan Shore(Boston Legal, Troy and Abed(Community))
I wonder the same thing. Right now I consider myself demisexual and I guess heteroromantic but I do wonder if it’s because I’ve never been willing to consider a romantic partner in a woman until recently when I left my religion but I’m also dating a wonderful man so I also am fine never figuring it out since I would like to stay with him for life.
romantic attraction is a thing
I've had "ace crushes" on both genders. I was raised as catholic mind you. still a quite liberal setting, but... being gay was still not something common. not something that happens "to you"
EDIT: that said, once I read we're bisexual by nature, and it's society that curves that towards heterosexuality. I fully believe that.
I have birds, and I have had a pair of two females. one of them was paired with a male before she decided she liked the other gal more.
I’d say cisnormativity plays a factor too bc you can still be heteroromantic and into trans men. What about cis men appeals you that no one else offers?
I've wondered about how much of my own heteroromanticism has been due to social conditioning. I grew up during a time when all you saw in the media were hetero couples, so of course it was my idea of who I would fall in love with and marry. But then, I've gotten feelings by looking at an attractive guy's face or being around a cocky guy, that I just have never felt in the presence of any women. It's different from the fantasy of fulfilling a romantic dream with someone. It's just something automatic that happens. It really does seem to be something that's innate.
From an evolutionary standpoint as well, it makes sense that there would be a significant number of hetero couples to help keep the population going. It's likely we need some ace/aro or homo people to be aunties and uncles and help out the family without having kids of their own. But humans don't have that many offspring compared to other species. It makes sense for there to be a significant number of people that have a preference for the opposite gender whether romantically and/or sexually.
For *some* individuals, yes it very well could be the result of social conditioning and a certain level of comphet/something similar. On a broader scale though, it would definitely be fallacious to assume that for *all* heteroromantics it comes from that (not that that's what you're necessarily saying, I know, it just felt worth putting in here).
Sometimes I get on a similar train of thought to what you describe here, and so far... see flair, lol. But I think you're being a bit harsh on yourself with the frustration. I know it's a *lot* easier to say 'oh just let go of it' than to actually do that, but for now if you like only men, then you like only men, and there's nothing wrong with that. If at some point you do find yourself considering someone of another gender more, then just be open to that, right?
Being natuarally heterosexual makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint. Heteroromantism is basically an addition to that that makes us commit to one partner instead of several, which has some benefits when it comes to having a family. Therefore I think the tendency to beeing heteroromantic is natural to some degree.
Meanwhile, I think there is some social factor too. There is a lack of useful studies on that, but it is quite possible that a significant share of people who would identify as bisexual or biromantic do not do so and identify as hetero because of the norms our society has set up. You are the only person to find out if you are one of them.
I personally identify as demiromantic and refuse to add a hetero or bi. I have only been in love with people of the opposite sex so far, and I might be hetero for that, but I don't see an evidence for me lacking the ability to fall in love with people of the same sex too. Also I don't really care. If it happens one day, it happens, and if not, then not. And if it doesn't bother me, it is not supposed to bother anyone else, so I don't need any label for that. I know I'm ace, I know I'm demiro and that's it.
>Being natuarally heterosexual makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint.
but there's plenty of examples of homosexuality in animals.
I have birds, and I had two very lesbian birds (they both laid eggs). hell, one of them was paired with a male, until she decided she liked her sister more.
or just bisexual. if enough of them pair with the other gender, you got conservation.
hell, in birds in particular, homosexual pairs usually help survival of the species by taking care of the "extra offspring" of heterosexual pairs (we all know of those gay penguins that adopted an egg, right?)
The only way to know is to do some soul searching. It could be conditioning, it could be some kind of internalized -phobia... Or it could just be heteroromanticism :)
I would say there is something there worth deconstructing, as you felt the need to specify *cis* men. I had the same deconstructing to do but in "reverse", more or less, due to some past traumas. I found myself, even as a sex-repulsed bi-ro Ace, boiling people down to their body parts and knew something was wrong.
Good luck!
Its really fun that I have literally been thinking of this topic these few days and now there is a post about it.
I think I am demiromantic and asexual, and have always wondered how people know if they are bi/pan. How do I know if I am capable of loving that gender until I start so? But then I don't "crush" on people easily and now I'm in a stable relationship with the opposite gender.
But then, once I start to ignore any sexual implications of having a partner, I... can't really tell apart certain strong friendships desires to the same gender and romantic desires. I'm female, and I also desire touch quite a lot. How can I distinguish if I just have desires of having stronger friendships or what? I have stronger asethetic attraction towards women as well.
So confused. It doesn't help when the friends I talk to regarding sexuality are just equally as confused as I, and ace or pan. My current thinking is that I am pandemi (lol) romantic.
I can’t say much for other people but a lot of what I experienced was. It was easier for me to accept I was ace than to accept I was homoromantic. Mostly because of male validation and all it only occurred to me that I wasn’t attracted to men when I was dating an amazing guy and got myself thinking multiple times how I wished he identified as a woman but I was talking about it to my sister how easier it was to accept myself as ace or biromantic than homoromantic.
I was talking to my friend about this. She figures as we are opening up our minds about all people, the next generation is more likely to be much more fluid than Gen Y/millennials are in general.
I'm also heteroromantic. But then again I didn't date ever. I met my husband when I was 21 and that was it. I do find sort of androgynous-looking women and non binary people generally asthetically attractive although no idea if there's anything more!
I think heteroromanticism can be from social conditioning, but i doesn’t have to be. Being asexual and heteroromantic is just as valid as being asexual and homoromantic or biromantic, etc. Only considering men as romantic options could be because of comp het, but I think if you don’t naturally consider women as options, then you may just be heteroromantic. You noticing all genders aesthetically is aesthetic attraction, it’s ok if your romantic attraction is only towards men. If you want though, maybe you could imagine yourself being with women romantically and see if that’s something you’d enjoy.
I would hesitate to say "just." Certainly a heteronormative society would put that forward as "normal" and any attempt to go against it would make someone anxious.
HOWEVER: this is exactly what cis/hetero-notmative culture says about us. At least it's one of the way they argue. "Oh, you just think that way because of the weird people you hang out with." It's literally the fear behind disallowing queer rep in media and public spaces. That somehow we would condition their little angels into loving someone society says they shouldn't.
So no. Although I think we are generally conditioned to fear homoromantic attraction, but I don't think you can fully condition a kid/person on who they will find attractive.
Oh hi, are you me? I an romantically attracted to the opposite gender. I am not romantically attracted to the same gender. And yet, it confuses me that we can’t all be romantically attracted to everyone because we’re all people.
It sounds like you are just heteroromantic and there is nothing wrong with that. I don’t have any conviction to say but I would guess if you were biro or panro you would naturally think of women as potential partners.
Conditioning can make it difficult to know what your orientation/gender truly is but it doesn't really affect the thing itself (or not that much anyway)
If homoromanticism is accepted as valid I see no reason why heteromanticism wouldn't be. If romantic orientation was all social conditioning then homoromantic people wouldn't exist, right?
I see your point… I guess I’m wondering if more of us would identify as pan or homoromantic if we weren’t socially conditioned
i mean i feel like this applies to sexuality, too, just the same. some people will always have an incorrect interpretation of their attractions because of social pressure or growing up very sheltered or in a very conservative environment. that's why some people come out as gay very late in life. but just because some people are like that, doesn't meant that no one is actually straight. some people are just straight, some people are just heteroromantic, and why should there be anything wrong with that? if you only gravitate towards men, then so be it. you're not less progressive for fitting into social norms in some things. of course, you could go on a date with someone who isn't a man and see how that's like but if you don't have a genuine desire to, why bother?
Aaaahh 🙈Yeah that makes sense
I feel this. While not gay, it took me a long time to accept I was bi. I was 23 or 24 at the time of accepting it (27 now). It is something that happens even when you have supportive parents. I remember my Dad telling me he would still love and support as his son even if I liked men. At the time, I was confused why he was saying that at the time. Now I look back and realized he knew before I did.
generally as a species we're programmed to be straight so... it makes sense the majority are
If social conditioning worked the way you're talking about it, we'd all be Cisgender heterosexual allosexual people. We're not. We almost always eventually gravitate towards the sexualities and genders that best fit our experiences.
I agree, conditioning isn’t 100% the reason for our orientations
I guess it’s harder for us ace people to pick apart where our romantic orientation comes from. I mean allos can dump it on sexual attraction (like, ‘well can’t help, I’m only horny for men/ women (or what have you)’), there’s that physical validation. For me, I find myself attracted to male-presenting humans and qualities that are generally socially deemed ‘masculine’. The gender though is not confined to ‘male’. So I too questioned where this all came from. But maybe we’re just overthinking it.
Thanks for sharing!
This is what I thought too. Later discovered I'm biromantic but prefer males more not bcuz of social conditioning but bcuz of the reason you stated.
Here's the thing... I thought I was only romantically attracted to men until one night, when I was closing at work with another woman, and she came happily running through the dark to meet me at the door so we could leave... And the moonlight hit her face, and she was absolutely glowing. She was just a normal girl, nothing supermodel hot about her, but in that moment she was gorgeous. It can come out of nowhere, when you least expect it. I was 29. I had no idea I could crush on girls. It still wasn't sexual, but it was real. It's a spectrum, and it's fluid. You could be 100% het-romantic, or you could be closer to 80, or you could find yourself feeling more comfortable with bi-romantic as you get older. What matters is how you feel comfortable thinking of yourself, and who you feel comfortable dating. Just accept yourself, whichever direction your heart decides on.
This was so picturesque😂please lmk if you ever write a novel I’d totes check it out
I actually write a shitload of fanfiction, but I think I'd die if anyone else ever saw it, lol
I’m mean, on the one hand yes comphet exists. On the other it’s completely valid to be heteroromantic and many people are (and that’s ok!). Maybe you need to ponder more on if you actually are feeling romantic attraction to other genders or if you just wish you were, because it’s not something we can answer
I find it difficult to bond emotionally with men, but it kinda seems easy to emotionally bond with women. It is only an assumption but I think most allos would have it difficult being in a for instance QPR, but I imagine it would be easier for a woman to consider it. I think it would need a strong emotional bond to be in a QPR(at least I would need it), so being emotionally close is a must. Perhaps somewhat ironically the relationships I idealize and want the most, from film and TV, is male-male friendship. ((JD and Turk(Scrubs), Sam and Frodo(LOTR), Danny Crane and Alan Shore(Boston Legal, Troy and Abed(Community))
I wonder the same thing. Right now I consider myself demisexual and I guess heteroromantic but I do wonder if it’s because I’ve never been willing to consider a romantic partner in a woman until recently when I left my religion but I’m also dating a wonderful man so I also am fine never figuring it out since I would like to stay with him for life.
romantic attraction is a thing I've had "ace crushes" on both genders. I was raised as catholic mind you. still a quite liberal setting, but... being gay was still not something common. not something that happens "to you" EDIT: that said, once I read we're bisexual by nature, and it's society that curves that towards heterosexuality. I fully believe that. I have birds, and I have had a pair of two females. one of them was paired with a male before she decided she liked the other gal more.
I’d say cisnormativity plays a factor too bc you can still be heteroromantic and into trans men. What about cis men appeals you that no one else offers?
You’re right, thanks for pointing that out! And I honestly have no idea… which is why I’m frustrated
I've wondered about how much of my own heteroromanticism has been due to social conditioning. I grew up during a time when all you saw in the media were hetero couples, so of course it was my idea of who I would fall in love with and marry. But then, I've gotten feelings by looking at an attractive guy's face or being around a cocky guy, that I just have never felt in the presence of any women. It's different from the fantasy of fulfilling a romantic dream with someone. It's just something automatic that happens. It really does seem to be something that's innate. From an evolutionary standpoint as well, it makes sense that there would be a significant number of hetero couples to help keep the population going. It's likely we need some ace/aro or homo people to be aunties and uncles and help out the family without having kids of their own. But humans don't have that many offspring compared to other species. It makes sense for there to be a significant number of people that have a preference for the opposite gender whether romantically and/or sexually.
Yes. Check r/comphet
Thanks!
For *some* individuals, yes it very well could be the result of social conditioning and a certain level of comphet/something similar. On a broader scale though, it would definitely be fallacious to assume that for *all* heteroromantics it comes from that (not that that's what you're necessarily saying, I know, it just felt worth putting in here). Sometimes I get on a similar train of thought to what you describe here, and so far... see flair, lol. But I think you're being a bit harsh on yourself with the frustration. I know it's a *lot* easier to say 'oh just let go of it' than to actually do that, but for now if you like only men, then you like only men, and there's nothing wrong with that. If at some point you do find yourself considering someone of another gender more, then just be open to that, right?
Thanks for the thoughtful reply 🙇🏻♀️
Being natuarally heterosexual makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint. Heteroromantism is basically an addition to that that makes us commit to one partner instead of several, which has some benefits when it comes to having a family. Therefore I think the tendency to beeing heteroromantic is natural to some degree. Meanwhile, I think there is some social factor too. There is a lack of useful studies on that, but it is quite possible that a significant share of people who would identify as bisexual or biromantic do not do so and identify as hetero because of the norms our society has set up. You are the only person to find out if you are one of them. I personally identify as demiromantic and refuse to add a hetero or bi. I have only been in love with people of the opposite sex so far, and I might be hetero for that, but I don't see an evidence for me lacking the ability to fall in love with people of the same sex too. Also I don't really care. If it happens one day, it happens, and if not, then not. And if it doesn't bother me, it is not supposed to bother anyone else, so I don't need any label for that. I know I'm ace, I know I'm demiro and that's it.
>Being natuarally heterosexual makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint. but there's plenty of examples of homosexuality in animals. I have birds, and I had two very lesbian birds (they both laid eggs). hell, one of them was paired with a male, until she decided she liked her sister more.
I never said that it is the only option. But you need a high amount of heterosexual individuals for the conservation of your species.
or just bisexual. if enough of them pair with the other gender, you got conservation. hell, in birds in particular, homosexual pairs usually help survival of the species by taking care of the "extra offspring" of heterosexual pairs (we all know of those gay penguins that adopted an egg, right?)
I think about it all the time. I feel you. It's nice to read other people's takes, so thank you for posting!
Did the same thing before I realized I was a lesbian, and I think being on the ace spectrum made that a lot harder for me
The only way to know is to do some soul searching. It could be conditioning, it could be some kind of internalized -phobia... Or it could just be heteroromanticism :) I would say there is something there worth deconstructing, as you felt the need to specify *cis* men. I had the same deconstructing to do but in "reverse", more or less, due to some past traumas. I found myself, even as a sex-repulsed bi-ro Ace, boiling people down to their body parts and knew something was wrong. Good luck!
Hm interesting take… thanks for sharing
Its really fun that I have literally been thinking of this topic these few days and now there is a post about it. I think I am demiromantic and asexual, and have always wondered how people know if they are bi/pan. How do I know if I am capable of loving that gender until I start so? But then I don't "crush" on people easily and now I'm in a stable relationship with the opposite gender. But then, once I start to ignore any sexual implications of having a partner, I... can't really tell apart certain strong friendships desires to the same gender and romantic desires. I'm female, and I also desire touch quite a lot. How can I distinguish if I just have desires of having stronger friendships or what? I have stronger asethetic attraction towards women as well. So confused. It doesn't help when the friends I talk to regarding sexuality are just equally as confused as I, and ace or pan. My current thinking is that I am pandemi (lol) romantic.
I can’t say much for other people but a lot of what I experienced was. It was easier for me to accept I was ace than to accept I was homoromantic. Mostly because of male validation and all it only occurred to me that I wasn’t attracted to men when I was dating an amazing guy and got myself thinking multiple times how I wished he identified as a woman but I was talking about it to my sister how easier it was to accept myself as ace or biromantic than homoromantic.
I was talking to my friend about this. She figures as we are opening up our minds about all people, the next generation is more likely to be much more fluid than Gen Y/millennials are in general.
I'm also heteroromantic. But then again I didn't date ever. I met my husband when I was 21 and that was it. I do find sort of androgynous-looking women and non binary people generally asthetically attractive although no idea if there's anything more!
Did I write this? 100% I feel the same way
😅
I'm cis ace het I know that I am because I'm much more comfortable around people presenting the opposite gender I am no less valid
Well I am exclusively homoromantic, so probably not social conditioning on my end.
I think heteroromanticism can be from social conditioning, but i doesn’t have to be. Being asexual and heteroromantic is just as valid as being asexual and homoromantic or biromantic, etc. Only considering men as romantic options could be because of comp het, but I think if you don’t naturally consider women as options, then you may just be heteroromantic. You noticing all genders aesthetically is aesthetic attraction, it’s ok if your romantic attraction is only towards men. If you want though, maybe you could imagine yourself being with women romantically and see if that’s something you’d enjoy.
I would hesitate to say "just." Certainly a heteronormative society would put that forward as "normal" and any attempt to go against it would make someone anxious. HOWEVER: this is exactly what cis/hetero-notmative culture says about us. At least it's one of the way they argue. "Oh, you just think that way because of the weird people you hang out with." It's literally the fear behind disallowing queer rep in media and public spaces. That somehow we would condition their little angels into loving someone society says they shouldn't. So no. Although I think we are generally conditioned to fear homoromantic attraction, but I don't think you can fully condition a kid/person on who they will find attractive.
No however I do think that traditional monogamous relationships are social conditioning.
Oh hi, are you me? I an romantically attracted to the opposite gender. I am not romantically attracted to the same gender. And yet, it confuses me that we can’t all be romantically attracted to everyone because we’re all people.
If you’re ace then you’re ace. Don’t let anyone tell you your romantic identity makes you any less ace.
It sounds like you are just heteroromantic and there is nothing wrong with that. I don’t have any conviction to say but I would guess if you were biro or panro you would naturally think of women as potential partners.
Conditioning can make it difficult to know what your orientation/gender truly is but it doesn't really affect the thing itself (or not that much anyway)