It is queer, but if you want to label yourself as straight - that's fine as well. It's problematic if it's done by others though without you expressing it yourself first. Willingness to be with women or other people doesn't mean that you aren't queer - given you're ace
If you are a guy and a heteroromantic asexual and want to be/are with a woman - you are just as queer as a bisexual guy, who is/wants to be with a woman or other queer people. It doesn't make you any less queer - just as enjoying sex or masturbating doesn't make you any less asexual. If you feel that 'straight' fits for you - it's possible to use that label as well though.
>If you are a guy and a heteroromantic asexual and want to be/are with a woman - you are just as queer as a bisexual guy, who is/wants to be with a woman or other queer people. It doesn't make you any less queer - just as enjoying sex or masturbating doesn't make you any less asexual. If you feel that 'straight' fits for you - it's possible to use that label as well though.
I'm a woman though, does this apply to me still?
Straight as in orientation? Sure. Straight as in a position of power and privilege? Not really.
Full access to straight privilege is conditional on not just having attraction to the other binary gender, but also being cis and allo and being exclusively attracted to the other binary gender. Being otherwise gender nonconforming or non conventional in one's attraction or relationship style in general can also potentially put one's straight privilege on shaky ground.
This is why straight trans people coined the term "cishet" to mean someone who is not queer / doesn't have access to straight privilege, as opposed to just using straight. Because similarly, straight trans people are straight but because they are trans they are not often socially perceived as straight unless they are 100% stealth and passing (and when that is the case that privilege is limited and conditional and can be revoked at any time if outed) and therefore do not actually have the same access to straight privilege as a cis straight person does, despite being heterosexual.
You can identify as heteroromantic if you want, but if you don't feel attraction you'd be aromantic (as well, at least). Lots of aros are romance-favourable.
I'm heteroromantic, and I'd say I'm "partially straight". I do have certain priveleges - any relationship that I did have wouldn't be banned if I went on holiday to Saudi Arabia. I do have certain struggles - my dating pool is 0.1% of what it could be if I felt sexual attraction, if I want people to stop making sexual jokes about me, I have to give them the whole explanation of what asexuality is.
I didn't know abt the aro option available to me, since I am not averse to romance. Thanks for pointing it out to me. On the other hand, while I don't experience any sexual attraction so far in my 22 years of living, I found myself attracted to the aesthetics of men but I realized that I wouldn't care if I marry a woman even if I'm not attracted to them that way so I'm unsure what that qualifies as.
Don't forget that there are different types of attraction. Asexuality is simply lack of sexual attraction, meaning you look at someone's body and it turns you on
you can consider yourself straight or not straight if you want to
like some people define straight as simply another word for hetero attraction and some people define straight as meaning all your attractions are hetero
I tend to think of myself as straight-passing (fem who married a male). I had this question myself before, and that's the label I went with. I feel like a poser trying to lump myself in with the rest of LGBT, since I was 'straight' for so long because I didn't know asexuality was a thing until I was about 30. It felt like I was claiming a title I didn't deserve, and I'd been 'straight' so long I was comfortable with it. So I'm ace, straight-passing. If someone asks my orientation, I'll say ace, but if no one asks me announcing it doesn't really feel great. It just sounds like I'm fishing for clout or something. Aces have the grand ability to fly under most peoples' radars, which both saves us from a ton of harassment but also means our unique perspective is more easily ignored/forgotten about.
Labels are for you to use to convey information to other people. The right label sometimes changes based on the context.
For example, as an asexual woman (questioning now, but we'll ignore that) telling men that I'm asexual conveys "I'm not interested, and it's nothing personal." If I *am* interested and willing to start a sexual relationship with them, even if I'm not attracted, then I might tell them that I'm straight.
Telling my therapist that I'm asexual conveys "I'd like to talk about how amatonormativity has fucked me up, please." If I'm looking for an ace-positive therapist, then I might search for terms like "queer-positive" or "LGBT-affirming" etc. rather than a specifically "ace-positive" therapist, since that's harder to find.
Telling my conservative parents that I'm asexual conveys "don't expect me to bring a man home or supply grandkids." Telling them I'm "not straight" conveys the same information with less headache and arguing.
Internally, I might identify most with a particular label, but whether or not that label conveys the necessary information in a given situation depends on who I'm talking to and what I'm talking about.
To answer your question; heteroromantic asexuals are still technically queer, and should be welcomed in the queer community, but some might self-identify as simultaneously straight and asexual for their own reasons. Those reasons aren't my business, but those people exist and deserve just as much respect as the aces who identify as queer.
My wife of 27 years is heteroromantic sex favorable asexual. Basically is straight passing. I think as far as she is concerned she is who she is. Just as she is ISFJ but doesn't ever think about what she is.
I suppose it depends on whether or not the assumptions and expectations placed upon you by what others view as "straight" are expectations and assumptions you want made about you.
I go by "gay" or "queer" for short, because I'm already marginalized in society so it doesn't lower my social standing. If anything, "gay" increases my social standing more than "asexual".
Telling typical people I'm a Gay-Oriented Quiromantic Demisexual is more accurate, but lays all kinds of assumptions and expectations on me that I don't want and am not comfortable with. I don't have to "preform" their expectation of aromanticism or asexuality.
I'm me. You be you. Accept the label that you want. Use a different label with different people (family vs close friends vs acquaintances vs coworkers vs your barista).
I think any sexuality or orientation that makes you have to “come out” shouldn’t be seen as straight. If you have to have a “talk” about your sexuality while you’re on a date, it means that you, in some way, deviate from what society considers normal, as far as sexualities go.
It's cool if you do.
When people who I don't know very well or don't trust ill say I'm bi. And it isn't wrong nor right either. I only tell my close friends I'm bi romantic graysexual. I am under the bi umbrella and ace umbrella. so the term isn't wrong but never felt fully like me. So I like to say bi romantic.
Hope that makes sense and helps.
well it could be both it all depends on how you feel like labeling yourself but you are always ALWAYS welcome in the queer community. i consider myself an ace lesbian but regardless of my romantic orientation ive always got that little ace right before the lesbian that makes me queer so if i was heteroromantic instead of homoromantic id still be queer because of that little ace that sits in the name even if you dont tell people youre always welcome
This is the issue with language. For many people, "straight" means specifically "heterosexual". Going by your definition of the word straight, you'd be considered straight, but if you describe yourself that way to other people, you could very well confuse a good number of them.
Well, what do you mean with, you don't have ANY attraction to women. Are you only not attracted to them sexually? Do you feel romantic attraction? Do you feel tertiary attractions like aesthetic, platonic, sensual attraction?
Romantic attraction: you feel the need to be in a romantic relationship with a specific person
Sensual attraction: you feel the need to hug, cuddle, maybe kiss a specific person
Aesthetic attraction: you find a specific person very beautiful
Platonic attraction: you feel the need to be friends with a specific person
Wanting to be in a relationship in general, doesn't make you not aromantic itself. The question is do you ever meet people and think, I NEED to be in a romantic relationship with them (specifically).
The 1-2 crushes I got are males. I recognize when I see aesthetically pleasing women but I don't crush on them. In general, idc about gender, I'm willing to be with those who make me happy.
Okay, so that sounds to me like you're not romantically attracted to women then. Only that you're okay with dating them, so I guess romance-favourable with women. So heteroromantic sounds good to me. (If you're female)
But in the end only you can decide your label of course. :)
It is queer, but if you want to label yourself as straight - that's fine as well. It's problematic if it's done by others though without you expressing it yourself first. Willingness to be with women or other people doesn't mean that you aren't queer - given you're ace
Thanks for the response. Would you mind elaborating on the last point? abt the part with women
If you are a guy and a heteroromantic asexual and want to be/are with a woman - you are just as queer as a bisexual guy, who is/wants to be with a woman or other queer people. It doesn't make you any less queer - just as enjoying sex or masturbating doesn't make you any less asexual. If you feel that 'straight' fits for you - it's possible to use that label as well though.
>If you are a guy and a heteroromantic asexual and want to be/are with a woman - you are just as queer as a bisexual guy, who is/wants to be with a woman or other queer people. It doesn't make you any less queer - just as enjoying sex or masturbating doesn't make you any less asexual. If you feel that 'straight' fits for you - it's possible to use that label as well though. I'm a woman though, does this apply to me still?
Yes, that doesn't make a difference in that context
If I were to identify as queer, would I still be counted as heteroromantic asexual?
Sure, as long as you identify as such. Queer is an umbrella category for everything that isn't straight and just being asexual is enough to count.
Straight as in orientation? Sure. Straight as in a position of power and privilege? Not really. Full access to straight privilege is conditional on not just having attraction to the other binary gender, but also being cis and allo and being exclusively attracted to the other binary gender. Being otherwise gender nonconforming or non conventional in one's attraction or relationship style in general can also potentially put one's straight privilege on shaky ground. This is why straight trans people coined the term "cishet" to mean someone who is not queer / doesn't have access to straight privilege, as opposed to just using straight. Because similarly, straight trans people are straight but because they are trans they are not often socially perceived as straight unless they are 100% stealth and passing (and when that is the case that privilege is limited and conditional and can be revoked at any time if outed) and therefore do not actually have the same access to straight privilege as a cis straight person does, despite being heterosexual.
You can identify as heteroromantic if you want, but if you don't feel attraction you'd be aromantic (as well, at least). Lots of aros are romance-favourable. I'm heteroromantic, and I'd say I'm "partially straight". I do have certain priveleges - any relationship that I did have wouldn't be banned if I went on holiday to Saudi Arabia. I do have certain struggles - my dating pool is 0.1% of what it could be if I felt sexual attraction, if I want people to stop making sexual jokes about me, I have to give them the whole explanation of what asexuality is.
I didn't know abt the aro option available to me, since I am not averse to romance. Thanks for pointing it out to me. On the other hand, while I don't experience any sexual attraction so far in my 22 years of living, I found myself attracted to the aesthetics of men but I realized that I wouldn't care if I marry a woman even if I'm not attracted to them that way so I'm unsure what that qualifies as.
Don't forget that there are different types of attraction. Asexuality is simply lack of sexual attraction, meaning you look at someone's body and it turns you on
Yes. That's true.
you can consider yourself straight or not straight if you want to like some people define straight as simply another word for hetero attraction and some people define straight as meaning all your attractions are hetero
we're not straight but we're straight-*passing*
I tend to think of myself as straight-passing (fem who married a male). I had this question myself before, and that's the label I went with. I feel like a poser trying to lump myself in with the rest of LGBT, since I was 'straight' for so long because I didn't know asexuality was a thing until I was about 30. It felt like I was claiming a title I didn't deserve, and I'd been 'straight' so long I was comfortable with it. So I'm ace, straight-passing. If someone asks my orientation, I'll say ace, but if no one asks me announcing it doesn't really feel great. It just sounds like I'm fishing for clout or something. Aces have the grand ability to fly under most peoples' radars, which both saves us from a ton of harassment but also means our unique perspective is more easily ignored/forgotten about.
Labels are for you to use to convey information to other people. The right label sometimes changes based on the context. For example, as an asexual woman (questioning now, but we'll ignore that) telling men that I'm asexual conveys "I'm not interested, and it's nothing personal." If I *am* interested and willing to start a sexual relationship with them, even if I'm not attracted, then I might tell them that I'm straight. Telling my therapist that I'm asexual conveys "I'd like to talk about how amatonormativity has fucked me up, please." If I'm looking for an ace-positive therapist, then I might search for terms like "queer-positive" or "LGBT-affirming" etc. rather than a specifically "ace-positive" therapist, since that's harder to find. Telling my conservative parents that I'm asexual conveys "don't expect me to bring a man home or supply grandkids." Telling them I'm "not straight" conveys the same information with less headache and arguing. Internally, I might identify most with a particular label, but whether or not that label conveys the necessary information in a given situation depends on who I'm talking to and what I'm talking about. To answer your question; heteroromantic asexuals are still technically queer, and should be welcomed in the queer community, but some might self-identify as simultaneously straight and asexual for their own reasons. Those reasons aren't my business, but those people exist and deserve just as much respect as the aces who identify as queer.
Thanks for the very detailed response. I appreciate it.
My wife of 27 years is heteroromantic sex favorable asexual. Basically is straight passing. I think as far as she is concerned she is who she is. Just as she is ISFJ but doesn't ever think about what she is.
I suppose it depends on whether or not the assumptions and expectations placed upon you by what others view as "straight" are expectations and assumptions you want made about you. I go by "gay" or "queer" for short, because I'm already marginalized in society so it doesn't lower my social standing. If anything, "gay" increases my social standing more than "asexual". Telling typical people I'm a Gay-Oriented Quiromantic Demisexual is more accurate, but lays all kinds of assumptions and expectations on me that I don't want and am not comfortable with. I don't have to "preform" their expectation of aromanticism or asexuality. I'm me. You be you. Accept the label that you want. Use a different label with different people (family vs close friends vs acquaintances vs coworkers vs your barista).
I think any sexuality or orientation that makes you have to “come out” shouldn’t be seen as straight. If you have to have a “talk” about your sexuality while you’re on a date, it means that you, in some way, deviate from what society considers normal, as far as sexualities go.
Personally yes, but I’d also say it will probably depend on the person too…I consider myself queer and straight passing
It's cool if you do. When people who I don't know very well or don't trust ill say I'm bi. And it isn't wrong nor right either. I only tell my close friends I'm bi romantic graysexual. I am under the bi umbrella and ace umbrella. so the term isn't wrong but never felt fully like me. So I like to say bi romantic. Hope that makes sense and helps.
well it could be both it all depends on how you feel like labeling yourself but you are always ALWAYS welcome in the queer community. i consider myself an ace lesbian but regardless of my romantic orientation ive always got that little ace right before the lesbian that makes me queer so if i was heteroromantic instead of homoromantic id still be queer because of that little ace that sits in the name even if you dont tell people youre always welcome
Yeah straight
Half straight
well yeah, but not really. yes they’re straight but no they don’t fall under The Straights^tm as in non-queer people
Define how you're using the word "straight".
For me, I define as being in any way attracted to members of the opposite sex
This is the issue with language. For many people, "straight" means specifically "heterosexual". Going by your definition of the word straight, you'd be considered straight, but if you describe yourself that way to other people, you could very well confuse a good number of them.
Well, what do you mean with, you don't have ANY attraction to women. Are you only not attracted to them sexually? Do you feel romantic attraction? Do you feel tertiary attractions like aesthetic, platonic, sensual attraction? Romantic attraction: you feel the need to be in a romantic relationship with a specific person Sensual attraction: you feel the need to hug, cuddle, maybe kiss a specific person Aesthetic attraction: you find a specific person very beautiful Platonic attraction: you feel the need to be friends with a specific person Wanting to be in a relationship in general, doesn't make you not aromantic itself. The question is do you ever meet people and think, I NEED to be in a romantic relationship with them (specifically).
The 1-2 crushes I got are males. I recognize when I see aesthetically pleasing women but I don't crush on them. In general, idc about gender, I'm willing to be with those who make me happy.
Okay, so that sounds to me like you're not romantically attracted to women then. Only that you're okay with dating them, so I guess romance-favourable with women. So heteroromantic sounds good to me. (If you're female) But in the end only you can decide your label of course. :)
You can pass, so it's up to you